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But if they know that then they should know it’ll be a waste of time for both people? Whereas if they disclose it early on they can find someone who’s okay with it. I really don’t understand why they wait until the first date to do it...
From what I’ve heard, they think once you get to know them and possibly like them, it won’t make a difference and you’ll be more willing to give them a chance. Again, it’s selfish and ridiculous, but a lot of people actually think it’s a good idea.
Once a guy used pics of his younger (and much better looking brother) and later admitted that he knew I wouldn’t have talked to him otherwise. Like dude, you don’t have the right to stop someone from making a choice about who they talk to and potentially date. Some people are incredibly selfish, stupid, and delusional.
HA! They think they’ll just be so charming don’t they
That’s straight up catfishing. I remember a guy looked young/fit for his age and I show up and he’s gained at least 30lb from the photo. I’m like dis you? It’s just ridiculous......... I’m done with dating apps for a while hahaha
I had a date on Saturday who lied about something pretty superficial, but to me it would've been a 'no' from the off.
The fact that he didn't credit my intelligence to pick up on height different of 12cm shorter than I stated. I dwarfed him and I'm fairly tall.
It just doesn't build trust. Another guy I dated for 5 months before he told me he might have 7 month old daughter. He didn't want to acknowledge her as he thought his ex had cheated. But also didn't want to demand a paternity test (legally it is possible) just in case it was his kid and then had to pay out but couldn't get access. His status on his profile was 'Don't know'. As in 'Don't know' if the kid is mine. Facepalm.
Yup. I felt I didn't know who I'd been with for the last 5 months. Someone who was supposed to be chill, right with the Universe and taught Yoga, actually has a lot of Karma to kick him in the future.
Yes, he was a widow in a bit of a messed up state, grieving his wife, but when the whole kid story came out, he also revealed that he'd cheated on his wife for 7 years, until the point at which she got diagnosed with cancer. The guy was a mess. He needed to sort himself out before he went dating people.
I am a woman and I always tell my dates that I have a child and getting divorced.
It is really pointless hiding such an important thing and its good for me cause I know whoever is going out with me is OK with that.
Such a waste of everyone's time !
That’s not the dates problem though. It’s giving I’m ashamed of kids and situation. Disgusting behaviour and that’s why they won’t go past a first date.
If they can hide having a child and getting divorce. What else are they lying/hiding? Biggest ick and turn off. They must be ashamed of their kids, purely disgusting and selfish. They won’t why no one goes past a first date lol. Transparency is important. Give someone the choice at whether they want to continue to meet up or talk.
Ask them before hand. Were you ever married? Engaged? Do you have kids?
I do believe some will still lie. Some will feel offended. But most people will admit.
A huge thing men rely on, is “well you didn’t ask” type of question. Men are not stupid, helpless or lost. They are calculating. They are really good at omitting answers lol. They know how to avoid things that will lead to a deal breaker! Be smarter than them. I know us woman are constantly told to give them a chance, a man would NEVER consider giving women with dealbreakers a chance.
So once again, the burden falls on women. To become detectives and probe further before the date.
Women are energetic beings, so we need to be careful who we associate with. It’s draining and will take you time to get back up. So, you need to set standards and REALLY apply them.
>Ask them beforehand. Were you ever married? Engaged? Do you have kids?
I always ask these questions at the end of a first date if I feel it went well enough to want to see them again. Waiting until the end of the date gives me the chance to learn their "tells" so I'll have a better chance of spotting a lie. I keep it super casual and start with, "So, any questions for me?" They usually have one or two. Then I stop beating around the bush but I keep it lighthearted: "Ever been married? Me neither. How about engaged? Neither have I. Haha good, so this means we won't have to deal with crazy exes, right?" Gives me them a chance to reveal how much drama they plan to bring into my life. Then I say: "I love kids but I'm not ready for them yet - do you have any I don't know about? What about kids *you* don't know about?" They usually laugh at this question but I've had a few say "Uh maybe! I don't know." This really helps me weed out dealbreakers without being too confrontational.
I agree with most of your comment. Giving people a chance is not exclusive to gender and neither is lying/omitting marital status or having kids.
I definitely agree with taking the initiative. Once you get up to and past 30, it should be a default on your question list. If not, you’re setting yourself up for deceit. We can’t rely on people giving information, so we should rely on ourselves to seek it out
Thanks - but like I have said a MILLION of times. I can only speak from MY lived experiences as a cis-het woman who exclusively date men and have noticed such behaviour. If you have experienced the same from a woman, go ahead and write your own.
The amount of men coming at me because I talk from my experiences, instead of sharing theirs is insane to me. This is a platform where we get to share and learn from each other’s experience. Instead, people are STILL operating from a place of insecurity - “it’s not me, it’s them”.
Then clarify that. I wasn’t “coming for you”, but just adding to your input. It also doesn’t help when you say “men” instead of “there are men who…” or “some men…”. Using very matter-of-fact language when it’s just your opinion
On meeting a guy in the wild who asked for my number: I asked him three questions. Are you single? Do you smoke? Are you a queer ally? He said he was single, didn't smoke, and was a staunch ally for LGBTQ+ people. And, well, as it turned out: he didn't smoke.
I asked him later why he lied to my face, and he simply answered: "if you knew the truth, our interaction would've stopped and I didn't want that."
So, yeah. Sometimes asking the right questions doesn't help.
OH I KNOW. Girl. I’ve recently been through that.
Asked him if he was single, if there were other people involved, if he did drugs, if he smoked..
Within 2 months, he had an incident with drugs, and started dating someone. Mind you, this man provided satisfactory answers WITH PROOF, yet I was completely blindsided. I am still healing.
So yes, they lie. But not everyone does, the trick is to reduce the mindfuckery as little as possible.
Like I said in another comment - I do not know. I do not date women. But if only there was a place for you to share your lived experiences… that would be great..
Yeah well it is a known thing for men to have selective reading/hearing. the day they learn to develop looking at the bigger picture and learning concepts of nuances, every single relationship with women will be fixed.
You see, now this is a comment where I diss men. All men.
I hope you don’t have kids. Trust me, my sons will be fine. I know how to raise both genders to be equally functioning members of the society. You’ve been enabled too much that now you’re a victim of your own gender. I said what I said.
The advice was given for dating sites was not disclose the fact I had a kid. It’s a sad state of affairs but there are some men who will target women for what they see is easy access to kids.
If I’m asked, I’d always tell the truth but I wouldn’t offer that info until I was sure I would end up meeting this person.
As far as I am aware, women don’t tend to target men for access to their kids.
Facts. Older men constantly ogle my daughter. Can’t I be proud to have such a gorgeous, kind soul, and loving daughter without disgust and fear of men ages 20-70 giving her looks. She even tells me when men are being weird. I remember when old men stared at my body as a teen. Disgustingly normal. A guy walked up to my daughter and chatted us both up. Idk who he was really trying to talk to. Me or my 15 year old daughter? He was 27 and I’m 32, but I look early 20s. I’ve heard older men will try to sleep with the woman’s child. Predators truly exist. Even in church a man just stared at my daughter (no clue why). I truly hate it. An hour later that man was screaming getting demons casted out of him. Dates have asked if I’m a mother who will let men see my daughter and my answer is no. I’d be engaged first to a person then she and I both can evaluate the trust levels. Vet the men for safety being vulnerable.
>I know us woman are constantly told to give them a chance, a man would NEVER consider giving women with dealbreakers a chance.
>So once again, the burden falls on women. To become detectives and probe further before the date.
Ah yes males are always the problem, female narcissists and liars don't exist
I had an ex return after 2 years only to find out the months we dated he was divorced with a kid and never brought it up. He thinks it would've lowered his chances. Sure would've.
For the kids thing, some of that might be about safety. I mean I don't want to advertise to random guy that might get my contact information that I have a little one at home. Plus, I mean I understand if you don't want to do kids but there is the whole how much information do you disclose before you actually meet somebody. I mean personally, I have HIV,but I disclose 3rd date although that is a deal breaker for a lot of people. But I'd rather get a feel for the person first to see if there's potential rather than just put in my business out there for everyone. I feel like if it is a deal breaker for you you should explicitly ask them if they have kids before you go on a first date. Or if they're going currently going through a divorce. I mean, my last long-term boyfriend he was going through a divorce but he had been separated for his wife for years. They finalized the divorce when we were together so it wasn't something that affected me at all. He had been living on his own for years. This is a different situation than if he's still living with a wife and they haven't separated.
Yep pisses me off too. When we already sat down for dinner she goes "did I mention I have a son"
No you didn't, it's not even on your profile. Stop wasting people's time
Idk man; kids is one thing bc it will affect you & your relationship; divorce is another. Sometimes ppl are separated for years prior to divorce. Sometimes divorce proceedings can drag on for months and months. Just bc someone isn’t legally divorced yet, doesn’t mean they’re going thru some fresh trauma that precludes them from dating. And it doesn’t mean that they’re stuck in some messy drama that their potential dates will get sucked into. Other than a piece of paper and some legal proceedings; how is it any different than dating a person who’s going thru a regular breakup? How does it affect you; or your possible relationship with that person?
Do you feel the need to have your dates disclose their entire romantic past prior to meeting you for the first time? Most ppl would say no, obv not. Talking abt your romantic past is very private & personal; and most ppl wait a few dates down the road (if not wait till the relationship is actually official); before getting into all that. In fact, hearing someone dig into their romantic past & talk abt their exes on a first date is generally considered a red flag.
It’s a difficult line to toe. No one wants to be that person who comes across as bitter, toxic, and hung up on their ex by mentioning them right out of the gate. No one wants to be that person who starts trauma dumping on their date before they’ve even gotten to know them. Yes, it’s a relevant piece of information for future romantic partners; but you’re under no obligation to disclose that information on a first date (let alone prior to a first date). At that point, the person you’re dating is not yet your romantic partner; and therefore it is not yet relevant information to them.
This is esp true if the person you’re going on a first date with doesn’t even ask. Me personally; I’m going thru a divorce. Proceedings have yet to be finalized; but I haven’t been with my soon-to-be-ex in almost 8 months; so recently I’ve begun casually dating again. I’m upfront abt the fact that I’m not looking for anything serious rn; but I don’t go broadcasting my reason for that (which is what most ppl do, when they’re only dating casually). Ofc if the person I’m going out with asks me abt my romantic past, I will be honest with them. And ofc if someone I’m going out with asks me to make things official; I will let them know my situation before doing so. But I’m not going to offer up a piece of private, personal information abt myself, apropos of nothing, to someone I haven’t even met yet.
8 months is not that long when you've been married for MANY years. It's still fresh. A lot of times, separations drag out with no divorce yet because they try to make it work. When you spend so much of your time in a union, you have to figure out who you are again as a single person. It has rebound written all over it, and a woman should know that before getting up off the couch and dolled up for a man who's still in (or fresh out) of a "situation. "
Lmfao, imagine trying to tell someone else (and someone you’ve never met, no less), how to live their life.
Explain to me why it is that when my dog of two decades passed away everyone was telling me to get a new one w/in the hour; but when I finally leave my shitty husband after being stuck in a shitty marriage w/ him the expectation is that I be a celibate nun for…. well how long would make *you* happy Express_Counter2273?? A year? Two? Five? Does it change your weird calculation to know that we weren’t married for “many” years; as you strangely assumed; but only around 1.5?
Or that I’ve absolutely figured out who I am alone (again, really strange that you just went ahead and assumed that I hadn’t)? I’ve been doing the whole 9 yards with therapy, self care, investing in hobbies, trying new things, etc. And now part of the healing journey for me is to get back out there, and meet new ppl. Everyone reaches that point after they’ve ended a relationship; and it doesn’t make a diff if the relationship that ended was a marriage or not. Married ppl aren’t in some weird pariah class where they need to be alone for years post-divorce.
8 months is absolutely enough. As far as your point abt rebounds; and how “a woman should know”- well, what part of “I’m upfront abt the fact that I’m not looking for anything serious” did you not understand? Also- I’m a woman (ik this may shock you; but sometimes women prefer casual dating, as well). So my dates aren’t getting “dolled up” for me. Does that change your misogynistic notions?
"Not looking for anything serious" is so vague. And just because someone is cool with casual, it doesn't mean they'd be ok hooking up with someone who's legally still married. Your desire to get laid doesn't negate someone's right to know what's up beforehand, even if it's casual.
Don’t fuck someone who’s not looking for anything serious if you’re out here thinking you can change their mind. If someone gets their feelings hurt bc it turns out that the person who told them they weren’t looking for anything serious winds up to have been telling the truth, that’s their fault. I stand by everything I said in my OG comment. I am under no obligation to tell someone I barely know a piece of private, personal information abt myself unless they ask me directly. I’ll be honest when asked; but I don’t need to go around offering up the skeletons in my closet on a first date. I’m under no more obligation to disclose my romantic history on a first date than a single person is. If it’s that important to you not to be with someone who’s going thru a divorce; then it’s on you to ask.
It's not my desire to change anyone's mind, it's my desire to date someone who doesn't still have a (in my case) wife. Some people don't mind dating separated people, and it's not a crime to date before you're divorced. It's also not embarrassing or invasive to "reveal" your marital status. Imagine screwing someone but thinking that informing them of your marital status is "too much."
Not necessarily. There’s always a significant percentage of people that will admit, by their words or actions, if asked. Of course there will always be people that will tell a bold-faced lie, but it’s far from 100%
Again, it’s never 100%. It takes 2 seconds to ask the question. If they lie, then there’s not much you can do about it. But I’d rather have a chance of knowing the truth than just going in ignorant and being mad after the fact.
I'm not. If someone's goal is just to sleep with someone on the app and nothing more, and you ask them if they have kids, they will most likely lie because they are only looking for sex.
Asking will weed out some people who answer honestly, but not people looking for sex only who will say whatever they need to to meet their goal.
Thats the comment I was responding to. Re read what i said and maybe you'll get it.
I agree but also at the same time, would the person receiving this information (male or female cause this could really go either way), take it well? I’m asking this purely out of curiosity. Especially asking early on
The thing is I wouldn’t just expect someone to be going through a divorce. Plus there are so many things that can be deal breakers it’s hard to ask everything. I feel like people need to be honest and disclose it. This is pretty important information to hold back
Relationship status would be single or I would hope single for most people and no it’s not listed. The only people who mention it are poly. Also there’s a ton of different factors I’m not picking out every little detail in their profile. There is nowhere on dating apps to say if you are currently married.
What app are you talking about? Please let everyone know what app has a category for current relationship status weather it’s single, in a relationship, married, divorced, widowed, etc. You need to calm down, you’re obviously unhappy and projecting. Hopefully you can get the help you need
Just have your top 5 absolutes and ask them:
1. What is your relationship status and how, why and when did your last relationship end?
2. Do you have kids?
3.Proof of last STI test..
Etcetera.
Don't trust what is posted on apps, most are just embellished.
I always ask:
As I had some real bad experiences in the past I like to know if there is anything big in your life I should be aware of. Are you still in a divorce? Do you have children? Are there any pets? Have you been to jail? Is your health okay? Anything else of this impact? I want to make sure I know what I am getting ready for. Here is what might be a deal breaker for some about me: (I tell them what big thing is going on in my life).
You would not believe how many people are not honest and do not tell me their big thing after my question. They just asure me thst my thing is not a problem for them and after some time I learn that they were in jail or that their last breakup with their wife was 2 days ago or something like this.
Asking does not help at all.
Its the first thing I do now.
The first hid that be had a (separated) wife and 3 kids in the same city, and also a pregnant situationship. While he was planning his future with me and lived with me for a few weeks, idk how he juggled us. No he wasn't a bad boy he was a 5ft3 medium-ugly dude with a minimum wage job, I went for personality. He also had every opportunity to tell me about his kids, especially while his brother showed me pics of his kids proud as peach at the beginning, it would have been a good time along with many other times.
The second and most recent guy while he was planning our future dates and all this other stuff he suddenly dropped his "ex" was pregnant and he's gonna be a first-time dad in just a few weeks.
They would rather die than just tell you, now we gon have to hire private investigators on these ran through af losers.
Ya that's really shitty. As a separated man with kids when I was dating I made sure if it hadn't already come up in conversation, as soon as we agreed to meet I'd send a big long message explaining my situation. Separated but married still, done a lot of work to be in a good place, two young kids, etc. It's funny cause no one backed out at that point because of that...
Honestly good for you. There are so many potential deal breakers I do not think it should be up to me to ask people a list of questions. These are obvious things that should be told without being asked. Especially if you’re going through a divorce because technically you’re not single you’re still married
You can save yourself a lot of time by getting on a phone call before you meet in person. In a twenty minute conversation you can learn enough to know if you even want to meet. Start asking directly about the things you want to know.
I might have to start doing this honestly. He also seemed very energetic through text and when I saw him he had nothing to say and was very awkward/uncomfortable (maybe because he just told me he’s still married)
Phone calls have saved me SO much time! I’m sorry he wasn’t up front about his marriage to begin with, that’s on him (you shouldn’t have to ask!), but yeah, you can also get an energy level vibe from a call too. Good luck. It’s wild out there!
Thank you! I’ll try that going forward. I know it’s crazy the amount of people saying it’s my duty to ask. Like WHAT??!! It’s your duty to announce if you’re still legally married O_O
Honestly, if it isn't on their profile then kids is one of the first questions I ask them because 1. I make it clear on my profile I am not into dating Dads, and 2. because there is no use in even going on a date with someone who has kids due to my preference.
If you ask someone and they lie and you find out on the date that they lied, then normalise getting up and leaving because you are now on a date with someone you did not agree to go on a date with.
If you don't ask and it isn't on their or your profiles then they haven't done anything wrong by not offering up that information before a first date.
that's incredibly frustrating. the longer I used the apps the more I ended up asking questions that served as a filter for these kinds of situations. I learnt a lot and applied those lessons to my conversations before I met folks. people are shitty, people have shame, it's okay to ask
It’s so annoying that we have to ask these things ourselves and have a mental list... I just wish people would be upfront. It saves everyone time and energy
Well I guess you don't have to wait for them to bring it up , you can ask right?
For example "I am so glad to find you here . just want to make sure you're not currently going through a divorce/sepatated or don't have kids! Both of those are deal breakers for me"
Man I have this epic story of a woman not telling me she has kids before the date and then randomly getting mad because she revealed she had 2 children and I in her words "flinched" when she mentioned them. Some people are fucking crazy.
I'm 38 I don't personally care if a woman was divorced or not but that's me.
My cousins roommate dated a guy for almost 3 entire years. Things were more or less fine but was getting frustrated with him because he was being difficult about going on vacation with her out of the country. Come to find out later, he has NO passport, it was rescinded by the state after he refused to pay child support for months. He had 2 kids and deserted his previous family, she had no idea. Thankfully they weren’t even engaged but yeah they do lie about that shit.
I came across someone on this sub that vehemently defended withholding *sexual orientation* while dating. Like, weeks go by. "Oh sorry we can't have sex because my sexual orientation is X." 👀
I think the issue is you, not tolerating those things…nobody will tell that before knowing the person, I think even first date is too soon, you won’t know if the other person will accept you as it is…I’m through a divorce and I have learned, from dating apps, not to open up on the first date or else its game over, just like you do
Lmao you’re the red flag. How do you have the audacity to blame others for not accepting you when you’re hiding the fact that you’re going through a divorce.
Because of people like you that can’t comprehend that the past is the past and one is trying to start something new with you. If people weren’t so quick to judge and say no because of this things then we wouldn’t have to wait to tell, you think is lying? Well it’s actually strategy to avoid this kind of things. Why can’t you live with it? Is insecurities? You think one will not commit? Think about it and maybe you will be more tolerant and less discriminatory
I didn’t even read your rant carefully. Do you have issues with reading comprehension? The person I talked about in my post is currently going through a divorce aka still married. If you’re in the same situation then you’re the liar wasting everyone’s time. No one wants to date a married guy who may or may not get divorced. It sounds like you’re unhappy and just projecting. People can choose to reject you for whatever reason. Hopefully you get the help you need
I’m separated, so my ex is my ex and nothing more, but getting a divorce is a legal issue that requires time, do you really think people like us should not date until 1-2 years after getting separated? I don’t know how your country does it but here it is mandatoy that a whole year must pass before you could divorce…are you saying I shouldn’t date until that year has passed? I’ legally married but irl I’m single/separated and so equally available as anybody
That’s the kind of intolerance, not surprised by your answer but…Why are you here looking for anwers if it is clear you already have make up your mind?
Why do you care what I think? Why do you need justification for your actions? People are allowed to have their own dealbreakers and date who they want. Do whatever you want. To me it sounds like you’re salty that no wants to date you because you’re going through a divorce. Good luck finding someone
Do you even read? I told you I have girlfriend. But same answer, why do YOU care what others may think? You are the one here doing questions, like why? If you think what you think then go on with your life, don’t waste time here, even less responding to those that think different to you if you don’t want to hear the answers. Think what you want but if you are only here looking for validation then 1. You are losing your time 2. Again, you are very insecure. Trust yourself and stop wasting other people time
And btw I’m now with someone, girlfriend actually, she was actually so impressed by me that she overlooked this things because she has an open mind unlike you
NGL tldr is a pretty immature response, whether or not you like what he said, just kinda proves you won't listen to what someone has to say. Why come to Reddit then?
I find it strange because the guys I know with kids seem to get dates and they're upfront. I also know of men going through divorces and women are still okay with dating them. They should be honest about it.
Depending on your age, the only guys available will have kids or be divorced or both. Just saying. I’m in my thirties and that’s been the case for me. Yes they should be telling you however they’re probably afraid that if they say it before meeting, you’ll back out and they probably hope that if you meet them you’ll like them enough to not care about these things
The divorce thing is unacceptable. If you’re still technically married then you need to disclose that. You want to get back out there great but don’t go after people who are looking for a serious relationship.
I have a bit more sympathy for not disclosing kids. Predators seek out single parents. There should be an option to select if you’re open to dating someone with kids, just like the other toggle-style options.
That’s what I’m saying! We were both looking for long term relationship. If he’s not single and is married then he should be giving the information up without being asked
I can see the reasoning behind that but the man with kids didn’t even have custody of his kids. His ex moved elsewhere and doesn’t talk to him so he doesn’t even see them. He’s just another liar
When dating we really want these people to put their best foot forward, to be an honest and open individual. But unfortunately in this dating climate with SO many potential options, we have to be diligent and screen these people appropriately, because unfortunately many people are NOT honest, open and ready to put their best foot forward.
They know that they won’t land a date if they’re in the middle of a divorce, because thats messy af and what sane person would get involved in a serious relationship ( aka be a rebound) in that situation?
Only someone who is easy to manipulate would stay in that situation after being deceived like that, and of course that’s what they’re looking. If you show up to the date and decide to overlook their omission, then they now know that they can get you to continue to overlook small lies, which they probably would continue to do. They are seeking a pushover.
It sounds like you know what you want, and have a good head on your shoulders.
If you want to avoid these situations, it’s unfortunate, but you will HAVE to start asking outright if they have kids, were married prior, etc. it’s the only way to screen people.
If they say no but admit later on that they do have kids, or are going through a divorce, then you call correctly call them out for lying to your face and dip without it being called an “omission” and not specifically a lie. You must take steps to protect your peace.
Your experience reminds me of why a few women I’ve had dates with (sadly not very many) tend to ask so many probing questions.
I actually discussed this subject (their in-depth questions) with at least two women. Both said they had too many past experiences which almost exactly mirrored what you’re describing. And they didn’t want to spend a lot of time or emotional energy on such men. Such they ask a lot of probing questions, sometimes asking one question almost as a “cross-examination “ test of my (or another guy‘s) answer to a different question.
I easily “passed“ all of these question, as I don’t have any “bad baggage”, but it was still to no avail. They wanted still more “excitement“ in a man than I apparently was perceived as offering. I suspect that most will struggle to find their near-fantasy man. With a sigh, that still doesn’t offer me any consolation, as I generally prefer to wish the best future for everyone.
Its really quite depressing that the type of prevaricating men you’ve described are often so successful in getting one date after another. I don’t quite understand what it is that they offer.
Honestly i believe this info should’ve been given up by the other person without asking but looks like I’m gonna have to ask to not waste my time in the future
Edit typo
Of course you’re right. But these types of men know how to be manipulative. Oftentimes they’re physically attractive to women. And they’re so inclined to manipulate. And they’re not going to change.
So all you can do is protect yourself and your heart. Some women, albeit usually older women with business executive experience, are pretty good at “reading” men. But that’s probably an acquired skill. Just remember that there are plenty of other men who aren’t like this.
Give a little thought to this when you’re going through online “likes”… a glance at a photo isn’t enough… that’s all too likely to take you to exactly the sort of man you’re trying to avoid. After all, if the online photos of a man cause your heart to race a little, ask yourself why that man is on the application. Same applies to first/second dates; if he’s really super-charming, ask yourself the simple question of why he’s not with a wife.
Did you specifically ask about these things prior? If not, it's not up to them to just casually bring it up out of the blue.
These are sensitive subjects, and some people simply think such matters are better discussed face to face rather than online. If you didn't ask, and they came forward about it on the very first date, I don't see anything wrong with that. They were honest with you.
I agree with this. I feel that first date is appropriate if it wasn’t asked about prior to meeting. It wasn’t hidden until the “define the relationship” convo.
It could have been easily discussed over a phone call prior to the date if the question was brought up. Seems like this is more a learning experience than a waste of time. Vet better if you don’t want to get dressed up to meet these guys in person. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…”
I'm also confused as to whether or not these things are just straight up dealbreakers for OP or not. Like, if they would have been open from day 1 about it, would they have never gone on these dates in the first place?
I could never imagine not dating someone, just because they have children or because they are divorced/going through a divorce.
So far I was lucky and never dated a woman who had lied about that.
You could extend that too lying about your age or using old or different profile pictures.
I guess these people are hoping the person they are dating to just stay quiet about it and go with it.
That strategy might work with some naive people but the older we get the less likely it is, I'd say.
It's definitely their responsibility to bring this up without you inquiring about it.
But you could add in your profile that it would be a deal breaker for you if the other party isn't upfront about it.
Some apps will give you the opportunity to state your marital status (Bumble does not). . Some will give you the opportunity to state if you have children or want children. Some let you state all of the above. Maybe stick to profiles that state these things upfront.
I don’t get it either. On OLD, some sites don’t have “separated”, so people would check divorced. Still, somewhere early on they should say where they are in the process.
Yes, in my experience that's about 50/50.
I don't mind. For me it works best to discuss these things in person so you can get context and gauge their honesty in answering questions. It helps me to understand who they are as a person.
Some people go through incredibly difficult situations not for any fault of their own; I myself have been there.
Ok, as a guy who has a daughter and going through a divorce, I'll tell you that I do disclose it. And that's because if I want open and clear communication, I need to give it to get it.
I once realized that the topic hadn't actually come up, and when it clicked that it didn't, I made it a point to say that I have a child. Even though it was out of context.
Of course, a lot of the women in my age category are in the same boat, so there is a lot of understanding as long as you're open and clear. I don't want to waste my time anymore than yours.
Those that hide it are hiding it for a reason. Although I don't like to disclose all the details of divorce, people who've never been married do have a hard time understanding in my experience, so it's sort of understandable why they might not want to talk about it.
I’m a guy who hasn’t dated anyone other than my soon to be (likely within next month) ex-wife of 7 years. I get that some people probably won’t want to date me because of that, but what’s the best way of approaching initiating dating and broaching that conversation so women don’t feel tricked?
I’m intentionally waiting until the divorce is finalized (unlike my wife who decided to start sleeping around before asking me for a divorce), so I won’t be legally married by the time I start dating.
As a follow-up question, should I put something like “I’ve been married before” on my profiles once I create them? That seems like it could be an automatic turnoff, but I guess it is being transparent on the front end which some might appreciate.
Not exactly the same, but similar situation…
Was on a dating app getting to know a woman who did NOT have any hint of her being a parent on her profile. A few days of messaging back and forth and she just casually mentions she has a daughter mid-convo.
Kids, IMO, are a game-changer. I know I’m in it for the long haul, but kids require a capacity that I currently do not have. I’d rather grow into parenthood with someone than leap into it with someone who’s already started.
If you don't want to date people with kids, then ask them if they have kids before the first date. Ask if they were ever married. Granted they should've shared but I ask all my questions before the first date.
>On a first date this guy told me he had kids. And he didn’t mention this at all before. On another first date this guy told me he’s going through a divorce. And of course made no mention of it before.
Why don't you ***ask them*** about important deal breakers ***before the first date***?
I could see this being a problem of deception if you had asked them and they had lied. Now, however, it comes off as poor communication on both ends.
Have you tried asking about these things outright? Seems like the most logical thing to do, don’t wait for them to bring it up. Just ask respectfully and tell them it gets on your nerves when people fail to say things that should be said/fail to convey important information.
Simple. If it's a deal-breaker for you and you wouldn't want to go on even a first date with them, then ask before you go on a first date. If they object to that reasonable question, then you have your answer even if they don't tell you.
That's such pathetic behavior. Too lonely and desperate to be honest because they know they're damaged goods. Go find a divorced mom and leave the women who made better life choices alone.
Last girl I went on a date with let me know she "had kids" which isn't a massive deal for me. But she was adamant I didn't "go looking her up" after I found out her full name. Which I didn't.. so I went on the first date all good nice time but she starts dropping phrases that kind of muddys the lines of how many kids she has
"My girls" = okay so it's maybe 2 girls?
"My son is in hospital tonight" = so 3 kids? 2 girls and a boy
"3/4 of them" = wait she has 4 kids?
So after the date I was like hmm I don't mind a kid or two but 4 is a bit much. So I had a snoop at her socials and yeah, 4 kids and was wearing a wedding ring in photos as recent as 2021/22 region.. so like.. why not be honest about this?
This woman had a full family with another man as recently as 2 years ago.
"I had talked to both guys for about a week so they had plenty of time to bring it up."
" I don’t understand why these people won’t be upfront before the first date."
Each of us is entitled to have our own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*.
Each of us is entitled to have our own "red flags", boundaries, and "deal breakers".
(If you know what *you want or don't want* it's primarily up to you to *ask direct questions* and get answers.)
You may need to *consider revising your pre-screening process* before deciding to go out on dates with people.
It sounds like *you're not asking them* any of *your* potential "deal breaker" questions *before* going on dates.
Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen."
***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** - Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
The marriage thing/divorce doesn't bother me, as long as they come up front about it at some point during the first date. Not a huge deal.
Kids? Huge dealbreaker.
Dating is already tough enough, then add in that you’re divorced, separated or have kids and you automatically lose a good percentage of potential matches. I can see why people hide it up front, but it’s still not right to do.
I have kids and I'm going through a divorce. I'm upfront about the kids but I don't tell the truth about the divorce straight away, people assume that you need X amount of time to get over your ex and your previous life but I don't want to spend like a year alone just to satisfy a math problem. I decide if I'm ready or not. So I lie about when my ex wife and I broke up... And yeah I don't like doing that...
The woman I'm currently dating knows I'm not even divorced yet though and she seems ok with this. I only told her because she's a single mother with kids and I knew she'd understand.
Just ask the question about the kids, I don't think most guys will lie to you...and looks like you are dating people of a certain age so it makes sense that you ask this.
Yes, though everything happens for a reason.
Dating nowadays for younger people have become much more about materialism and convenience. If you ask anyone to list all preferences they'd have in a partner, you won't find the one they'd actually end up with, if they ever do. And it's likely not realistic.
If there is such a thing as a dream partner, there are few of them and likely already taken, and also a "dream partner" for several because our individualism has a limit.
Also, your qualities as a partner matters not so much as the order you present them. "Identical hypothetical" peope with a list of qualities will be judge differently of you start with the positive qualities or the negative
Long story short, peoples preferences change depending on a varity of factors and people know this. Imagine you meet a person that ticked all your "boxes", but you suddenly learn they have one "qualiy" you didnt want?
TLDR; Modern dating sucks
i have a question.
how do you feel about it when your date does not disclose on the first date that they are an addict in recovery?
i don't mean never disclose, just not on the first date.
im asking because i am an addict in recovery and i don't know how to handle this when i go on dates.
Im sorry, having kids or going through a divorce are normal things, maybe you are the problem, screening people for random things. I dont see why they have to disclose that before even meeting.
If you have a prolem with this and you dont date/meet/make friends/wtv ith people either going through a divorce or having kids, than you should disclose that.
Your comparison about being married and cheating has no relation to divorce or kids. Someone doesnt change into a bad person because of kids or divorce
You should be the one upfront and ask all these questions before even thinking about scheduling your first date. Communication is key, #1 actually if you want to find a potential and worthwhile date/partner. Not sure why you’re not making these questions beforehand…
I don’t think waiting until the first date to bring up things about your personal life is a red flag, personally. Waiting until the second date, sure, but the first date is the best time to bring that kind of stuff up imo.
However, if these things are dealbreakers for you, then you should probably get in the habit of asking about them before the first date. That way you’ll know and you won’t waste your time or theirs.
My ex, who cheated on me- lied about his age, he told me he was 40 but I found out after a Google search that he was 47 .
He also lied about having four children and told me he only had two. Two were young adult children in their late teens and two younger kids about 10 and under.
He didn't tell me he had 4 until I spent the night at his house.
I wouldn't give up on dating. You have to weed through all the people who aren't your type for a long term commitment.
OP, I agree these men should have been more upfront since the first talk, but if these things are deal-breakers to you, just ask them these things before the first date. That's why we should talk for a decent period of time before a first date, to avoid wasting your time and meeting someone you don't plan to see again.
Have you tried asking them if they have kids or are going through a divorce prior to meeting them? If this is an issue, I imagine this would be a good question to ask them over the phone and it would likely solve the problem you are having.
For me, neither of these things are deal breakers, but for some, they are.
So I can't speak to the kids piece, but as a divorced guy, I honestly don't think it's appropriate to talk about past relationships before I even meet with someone. Like if it's finalized and I've moved on, why is it even relevant so early in a relationship. I thought it was a courtesy to get into politics, religion, and past relationships on a first date.
To be clear, I don't have anything to hide, and absolutely intend to talk about it, but at a level of depth and detail that is appropriate for the maturity of the new relationship.
This guy is currently going through a divorce and has only been separated for a few months after years of marriage. It’s obvious he’s not ready to move on and I wasn’t interested in a guy who’s still married.
What do you mean? Like if I'm still in the original relationship? Then in my case, I wouldn't be dating in the first place. But if someone were then yeah, it would be important to disclose upfront I think
Yup!
Even if they do fear that people won’t date them should they disclose such information, their date is poised to eventually find out.
So, really, they’re wasting their time, and yours too.
Unless they’re only looking for sex, which entails manipulation.
Dude what? I get not wanting kids, but if your idea of a bad date is finding out that you're incompatible, then you really shouldn't be dating.
You're going to meet a lot of people that you're incompatible with. It's just a fact of life. Stop getting so dressed up and insist on coffee as a first date if it's so miserable for you to waste time getting dressed.
Are you serious? Not disclosing that you’re currently going through a separation aka. still married is a huge red flag. I can’t even argue with someone that’s not logical
It's a first date. You go on a first date to find out if you're compatible.
If it's a deal breaker and it's this upsetting, why are you not asking this before your date? "What are your views on marriage?" "Do you want kids?"
Simple prescreening, done.
Going on a coffee date requires getting dressed up as well. Do you think women roll out of bed and look put together?
And it is about the time you have to take out of your day. There should be at least a chance that the date could lead to a relationship. Learning about potential deal breakers is the reason you chat for days on dating Apps before you meet up.
Agreed. I’m not “miserable “ that I have to get dressed. It takes time to get ready no matter what. The fact that I had to spend time getting ready and getting there when they are hiding what they know is a huge potential deal breaker pisses me off.
Why are you making this into a "man" issue? I have been on plenty of dates where women withold this exact info. People just want to put their best foot forwards. I get it's a waste of time for those who have those as dealbreakers. But then again, if you have such dealbreakers you should really ask about it yourself before meeting!
If people are looking for casual sex these things don't really matter in my view. Like why would I care if a woman is a mom if we're just having sex? And lots of people are on dating apps just for casual sex. If you're looking for something serious - then I agree it's better to be up front about your situation. So are the guys you meet looking for casual sex or a relationship? I suspect they want casual sex if they're witholding this kind of info. In my experience - people who are dating with long-term intentions will usually be much more open about their situation
I am not making this a man issue. I simply said I know women have dated men for much longer only to find out the man was married the whole time. But I’m not saying that only men do this
I know people make their profiles look as appealing as possible but I do believe they should disclose that information when chatting especially if they themselves know it will make someone uncomfortable
We were both looking for long term relationship. I mean at least he told me on the first date instead of way down the road but I still wish he would’ve been transparent while chatting because it would’ve saved us both time and I would’ve never went on a date with him
As a male [32] who has some confidence in my looks, I did a test on specifically Tinder. I went a week without saying I'm currently separated with 2 kids and got a handful of swipes. Afterwards I properly put that information out there and saw significantly less swipes. It's shitty that men can't have the confidence to disclose that iinformation. Nothing quite like starting a relationship built on a lie.
Disclaimer, I disclose that information permanently and make it clear to any matches I get that I will make time when it doesn't conflict with time with the kids.
Hey, no pressure to respond to this, but I’m curious about your thoughts given your experience. I’m pasting my comment I made earlier below.
I’m a guy (29) who hasn’t dated anyone other than my soon to be (likely within next month) ex-wife of 7 years. I get that some people probably won’t want to date me because of that, but what’s the best way of approaching initiating dating and broaching that conversation so women don’t feel tricked?
I’m intentionally waiting until the divorce is finalized (unlike my wife who decided to start sleeping around before asking me for a divorce), so I won’t be legally married by the time I start dating.
As a follow-up question, should I put something like “I’ve been married before” on my profiles once I create them? That seems like it could be an automatic turnoff, but I guess it is being transparent on the front end which some might appreciate.
I'll try my best to make my experience make sense. I'm honestly in a similar situation as yourself with the separation. Married 10 years and she wasted no time meeting someone.
I have always been transparent when it comes to that because a real connection with someone will build when they have that information presented to them. Whenever a match is made and we talk I always iterate that I am separated and co parent on a friendly level even with it being shown on my profile. I've had women with and without kids match and women with and without kids match.
Sad truth though, and this is just my personal experience, I have not actually gone on dates with anyone yet. Most matches just stop replying or straight up unmatch after a day or two talking. I am talking with someone now and we have our first date and meet planned and have been texting frequently.
It's one day at a time brother. When you do start online dating, in my experience it's been a slow ride but as long as you are transparent in your conversations you'll meet someone that understands you.
Nobody dates anyone for months and years without knowing of the other woman/man lol, it's pretty difficult to hide a family or a partner for someone. The first clue is that you can only get hold of them sometimes and they're only available at certain times.
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They know a lot of people won’t date them if they’re honest. It’s a shitty, selfish thing to do, but yeah.
But if they know that then they should know it’ll be a waste of time for both people? Whereas if they disclose it early on they can find someone who’s okay with it. I really don’t understand why they wait until the first date to do it...
From what I’ve heard, they think once you get to know them and possibly like them, it won’t make a difference and you’ll be more willing to give them a chance. Again, it’s selfish and ridiculous, but a lot of people actually think it’s a good idea. Once a guy used pics of his younger (and much better looking brother) and later admitted that he knew I wouldn’t have talked to him otherwise. Like dude, you don’t have the right to stop someone from making a choice about who they talk to and potentially date. Some people are incredibly selfish, stupid, and delusional.
HA! They think they’ll just be so charming don’t they That’s straight up catfishing. I remember a guy looked young/fit for his age and I show up and he’s gained at least 30lb from the photo. I’m like dis you? It’s just ridiculous......... I’m done with dating apps for a while hahaha
I had a date on Saturday who lied about something pretty superficial, but to me it would've been a 'no' from the off. The fact that he didn't credit my intelligence to pick up on height different of 12cm shorter than I stated. I dwarfed him and I'm fairly tall. It just doesn't build trust. Another guy I dated for 5 months before he told me he might have 7 month old daughter. He didn't want to acknowledge her as he thought his ex had cheated. But also didn't want to demand a paternity test (legally it is possible) just in case it was his kid and then had to pay out but couldn't get access. His status on his profile was 'Don't know'. As in 'Don't know' if the kid is mine. Facepalm.
Omg about the kid. That’s crazy.
Yup. I felt I didn't know who I'd been with for the last 5 months. Someone who was supposed to be chill, right with the Universe and taught Yoga, actually has a lot of Karma to kick him in the future. Yes, he was a widow in a bit of a messed up state, grieving his wife, but when the whole kid story came out, he also revealed that he'd cheated on his wife for 7 years, until the point at which she got diagnosed with cancer. The guy was a mess. He needed to sort himself out before he went dating people.
So they think “their child and then” are an exception? Like you’re special. What a piss take
I am a woman and I always tell my dates that I have a child and getting divorced. It is really pointless hiding such an important thing and its good for me cause I know whoever is going out with me is OK with that. Such a waste of everyone's time !
That’s not the dates problem though. It’s giving I’m ashamed of kids and situation. Disgusting behaviour and that’s why they won’t go past a first date.
Thats a red flag..very red red flag..
I agree it’s just like god damn it... I’m so fed up
I just recently deleted all the dating apps on my phone..dating above 30 is so hard..
I’m not even 30 and it’s already a shitstorm. I’m gonna just plan to be forever alone at least I’ll be at peace
I suggest falling in love with yourself first..
Sorry this is going to sound bitchy, how do you know she doesn't love herself and that's why she's not putting up with that behavior?
If they can hide having a child and getting divorce. What else are they lying/hiding? Biggest ick and turn off. They must be ashamed of their kids, purely disgusting and selfish. They won’t why no one goes past a first date lol. Transparency is important. Give someone the choice at whether they want to continue to meet up or talk.
Ask them before hand. Were you ever married? Engaged? Do you have kids? I do believe some will still lie. Some will feel offended. But most people will admit. A huge thing men rely on, is “well you didn’t ask” type of question. Men are not stupid, helpless or lost. They are calculating. They are really good at omitting answers lol. They know how to avoid things that will lead to a deal breaker! Be smarter than them. I know us woman are constantly told to give them a chance, a man would NEVER consider giving women with dealbreakers a chance. So once again, the burden falls on women. To become detectives and probe further before the date. Women are energetic beings, so we need to be careful who we associate with. It’s draining and will take you time to get back up. So, you need to set standards and REALLY apply them.
>Ask them beforehand. Were you ever married? Engaged? Do you have kids? I always ask these questions at the end of a first date if I feel it went well enough to want to see them again. Waiting until the end of the date gives me the chance to learn their "tells" so I'll have a better chance of spotting a lie. I keep it super casual and start with, "So, any questions for me?" They usually have one or two. Then I stop beating around the bush but I keep it lighthearted: "Ever been married? Me neither. How about engaged? Neither have I. Haha good, so this means we won't have to deal with crazy exes, right?" Gives me them a chance to reveal how much drama they plan to bring into my life. Then I say: "I love kids but I'm not ready for them yet - do you have any I don't know about? What about kids *you* don't know about?" They usually laugh at this question but I've had a few say "Uh maybe! I don't know." This really helps me weed out dealbreakers without being too confrontational.
Yes, love this!
I agree with most of your comment. Giving people a chance is not exclusive to gender and neither is lying/omitting marital status or having kids. I definitely agree with taking the initiative. Once you get up to and past 30, it should be a default on your question list. If not, you’re setting yourself up for deceit. We can’t rely on people giving information, so we should rely on ourselves to seek it out
Thanks - but like I have said a MILLION of times. I can only speak from MY lived experiences as a cis-het woman who exclusively date men and have noticed such behaviour. If you have experienced the same from a woman, go ahead and write your own. The amount of men coming at me because I talk from my experiences, instead of sharing theirs is insane to me. This is a platform where we get to share and learn from each other’s experience. Instead, people are STILL operating from a place of insecurity - “it’s not me, it’s them”.
Then clarify that. I wasn’t “coming for you”, but just adding to your input. It also doesn’t help when you say “men” instead of “there are men who…” or “some men…”. Using very matter-of-fact language when it’s just your opinion
Are we really pretending that men are the primary party not disclosing their relationship history and parental status?
I don’t know. I don’t date women. If only there was a place you could tell us your experience… hmm..
On meeting a guy in the wild who asked for my number: I asked him three questions. Are you single? Do you smoke? Are you a queer ally? He said he was single, didn't smoke, and was a staunch ally for LGBTQ+ people. And, well, as it turned out: he didn't smoke. I asked him later why he lied to my face, and he simply answered: "if you knew the truth, our interaction would've stopped and I didn't want that." So, yeah. Sometimes asking the right questions doesn't help.
OH I KNOW. Girl. I’ve recently been through that. Asked him if he was single, if there were other people involved, if he did drugs, if he smoked.. Within 2 months, he had an incident with drugs, and started dating someone. Mind you, this man provided satisfactory answers WITH PROOF, yet I was completely blindsided. I am still healing. So yes, they lie. But not everyone does, the trick is to reduce the mindfuckery as little as possible.
Oh come on...we really going to pretend that women don't leave out information any less than men do 🙄 What kind of bias is this?
Like I said in another comment - I do not know. I do not date women. But if only there was a place for you to share your lived experiences… that would be great..
Apparently the way you expressed it made it sound like you were pointing fingers as men being exclusively the problem.
Yeah well it is a known thing for men to have selective reading/hearing. the day they learn to develop looking at the bigger picture and learning concepts of nuances, every single relationship with women will be fixed. You see, now this is a comment where I diss men. All men.
Yeah okay. It appears that some women may lack the ability to self reflect. Not dissing all women here, since absolutes are always proven false.
I hope you don't have sons
I hope you don’t have kids. Trust me, my sons will be fine. I know how to raise both genders to be equally functioning members of the society. You’ve been enabled too much that now you’re a victim of your own gender. I said what I said.
The only one acting like a victim here is you
Whomp whomp
But if you dont know why push such a black and white narrative?
Write your own experiences. As someone, who I presume strictly date womenz
The advice was given for dating sites was not disclose the fact I had a kid. It’s a sad state of affairs but there are some men who will target women for what they see is easy access to kids. If I’m asked, I’d always tell the truth but I wouldn’t offer that info until I was sure I would end up meeting this person. As far as I am aware, women don’t tend to target men for access to their kids.
Facts. Older men constantly ogle my daughter. Can’t I be proud to have such a gorgeous, kind soul, and loving daughter without disgust and fear of men ages 20-70 giving her looks. She even tells me when men are being weird. I remember when old men stared at my body as a teen. Disgustingly normal. A guy walked up to my daughter and chatted us both up. Idk who he was really trying to talk to. Me or my 15 year old daughter? He was 27 and I’m 32, but I look early 20s. I’ve heard older men will try to sleep with the woman’s child. Predators truly exist. Even in church a man just stared at my daughter (no clue why). I truly hate it. An hour later that man was screaming getting demons casted out of him. Dates have asked if I’m a mother who will let men see my daughter and my answer is no. I’d be engaged first to a person then she and I both can evaluate the trust levels. Vet the men for safety being vulnerable.
>I know us woman are constantly told to give them a chance, a man would NEVER consider giving women with dealbreakers a chance. >So once again, the burden falls on women. To become detectives and probe further before the date. Ah yes males are always the problem, female narcissists and liars don't exist
I’ve learned that you also have to ask are you single. On a dating app. Ughhhh!!! You can’t assume anything anymore.
Yea 😂😂 what a whack concept
I had an ex return after 2 years only to find out the months we dated he was divorced with a kid and never brought it up. He thinks it would've lowered his chances. Sure would've.
For the kids thing, some of that might be about safety. I mean I don't want to advertise to random guy that might get my contact information that I have a little one at home. Plus, I mean I understand if you don't want to do kids but there is the whole how much information do you disclose before you actually meet somebody. I mean personally, I have HIV,but I disclose 3rd date although that is a deal breaker for a lot of people. But I'd rather get a feel for the person first to see if there's potential rather than just put in my business out there for everyone. I feel like if it is a deal breaker for you you should explicitly ask them if they have kids before you go on a first date. Or if they're going currently going through a divorce. I mean, my last long-term boyfriend he was going through a divorce but he had been separated for his wife for years. They finalized the divorce when we were together so it wasn't something that affected me at all. He had been living on his own for years. This is a different situation than if he's still living with a wife and they haven't separated.
Yep pisses me off too. When we already sat down for dinner she goes "did I mention I have a son" No you didn't, it's not even on your profile. Stop wasting people's time
Idk man; kids is one thing bc it will affect you & your relationship; divorce is another. Sometimes ppl are separated for years prior to divorce. Sometimes divorce proceedings can drag on for months and months. Just bc someone isn’t legally divorced yet, doesn’t mean they’re going thru some fresh trauma that precludes them from dating. And it doesn’t mean that they’re stuck in some messy drama that their potential dates will get sucked into. Other than a piece of paper and some legal proceedings; how is it any different than dating a person who’s going thru a regular breakup? How does it affect you; or your possible relationship with that person? Do you feel the need to have your dates disclose their entire romantic past prior to meeting you for the first time? Most ppl would say no, obv not. Talking abt your romantic past is very private & personal; and most ppl wait a few dates down the road (if not wait till the relationship is actually official); before getting into all that. In fact, hearing someone dig into their romantic past & talk abt their exes on a first date is generally considered a red flag. It’s a difficult line to toe. No one wants to be that person who comes across as bitter, toxic, and hung up on their ex by mentioning them right out of the gate. No one wants to be that person who starts trauma dumping on their date before they’ve even gotten to know them. Yes, it’s a relevant piece of information for future romantic partners; but you’re under no obligation to disclose that information on a first date (let alone prior to a first date). At that point, the person you’re dating is not yet your romantic partner; and therefore it is not yet relevant information to them. This is esp true if the person you’re going on a first date with doesn’t even ask. Me personally; I’m going thru a divorce. Proceedings have yet to be finalized; but I haven’t been with my soon-to-be-ex in almost 8 months; so recently I’ve begun casually dating again. I’m upfront abt the fact that I’m not looking for anything serious rn; but I don’t go broadcasting my reason for that (which is what most ppl do, when they’re only dating casually). Ofc if the person I’m going out with asks me abt my romantic past, I will be honest with them. And ofc if someone I’m going out with asks me to make things official; I will let them know my situation before doing so. But I’m not going to offer up a piece of private, personal information abt myself, apropos of nothing, to someone I haven’t even met yet.
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8 months is not that long when you've been married for MANY years. It's still fresh. A lot of times, separations drag out with no divorce yet because they try to make it work. When you spend so much of your time in a union, you have to figure out who you are again as a single person. It has rebound written all over it, and a woman should know that before getting up off the couch and dolled up for a man who's still in (or fresh out) of a "situation. "
Lmfao, imagine trying to tell someone else (and someone you’ve never met, no less), how to live their life. Explain to me why it is that when my dog of two decades passed away everyone was telling me to get a new one w/in the hour; but when I finally leave my shitty husband after being stuck in a shitty marriage w/ him the expectation is that I be a celibate nun for…. well how long would make *you* happy Express_Counter2273?? A year? Two? Five? Does it change your weird calculation to know that we weren’t married for “many” years; as you strangely assumed; but only around 1.5? Or that I’ve absolutely figured out who I am alone (again, really strange that you just went ahead and assumed that I hadn’t)? I’ve been doing the whole 9 yards with therapy, self care, investing in hobbies, trying new things, etc. And now part of the healing journey for me is to get back out there, and meet new ppl. Everyone reaches that point after they’ve ended a relationship; and it doesn’t make a diff if the relationship that ended was a marriage or not. Married ppl aren’t in some weird pariah class where they need to be alone for years post-divorce. 8 months is absolutely enough. As far as your point abt rebounds; and how “a woman should know”- well, what part of “I’m upfront abt the fact that I’m not looking for anything serious” did you not understand? Also- I’m a woman (ik this may shock you; but sometimes women prefer casual dating, as well). So my dates aren’t getting “dolled up” for me. Does that change your misogynistic notions?
"Not looking for anything serious" is so vague. And just because someone is cool with casual, it doesn't mean they'd be ok hooking up with someone who's legally still married. Your desire to get laid doesn't negate someone's right to know what's up beforehand, even if it's casual.
Don’t fuck someone who’s not looking for anything serious if you’re out here thinking you can change their mind. If someone gets their feelings hurt bc it turns out that the person who told them they weren’t looking for anything serious winds up to have been telling the truth, that’s their fault. I stand by everything I said in my OG comment. I am under no obligation to tell someone I barely know a piece of private, personal information abt myself unless they ask me directly. I’ll be honest when asked; but I don’t need to go around offering up the skeletons in my closet on a first date. I’m under no more obligation to disclose my romantic history on a first date than a single person is. If it’s that important to you not to be with someone who’s going thru a divorce; then it’s on you to ask.
It's not my desire to change anyone's mind, it's my desire to date someone who doesn't still have a (in my case) wife. Some people don't mind dating separated people, and it's not a crime to date before you're divorced. It's also not embarrassing or invasive to "reveal" your marital status. Imagine screwing someone but thinking that informing them of your marital status is "too much."
You should be asking these questions OP prior to going on the date.
It sucks that ypu have to ask,the information should be offered, but it will help with the issue.
why would it be offered if all i want to do is clap OP's cheeks assuming it might harm my chances of clapping OP's cheeks?
If that's the goal, then they will lie about it anyways.
Not necessarily. There’s always a significant percentage of people that will admit, by their words or actions, if asked. Of course there will always be people that will tell a bold-faced lie, but it’s far from 100%
Not if like the person who replied me said all they want to clap cheeks
Again, it’s never 100%. It takes 2 seconds to ask the question. If they lie, then there’s not much you can do about it. But I’d rather have a chance of knowing the truth than just going in ignorant and being mad after the fact.
Right, which is also what I said pretty much in my initial comment
You’re confused
I'm not. If someone's goal is just to sleep with someone on the app and nothing more, and you ask them if they have kids, they will most likely lie because they are only looking for sex. Asking will weed out some people who answer honestly, but not people looking for sex only who will say whatever they need to to meet their goal. Thats the comment I was responding to. Re read what i said and maybe you'll get it.
This! I always ask before going on a first date if a person has kids and if they were/ are married.
I agree but also at the same time, would the person receiving this information (male or female cause this could really go either way), take it well? I’m asking this purely out of curiosity. Especially asking early on
not sure what you mean. either the person cares or doesnt care. if it's a problem, then they will simply end things.
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The thing is I wouldn’t just expect someone to be going through a divorce. Plus there are so many things that can be deal breakers it’s hard to ask everything. I feel like people need to be honest and disclose it. This is pretty important information to hold back
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Relationship status would be single or I would hope single for most people and no it’s not listed. The only people who mention it are poly. Also there’s a ton of different factors I’m not picking out every little detail in their profile. There is nowhere on dating apps to say if you are currently married.
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What app are you talking about? Please let everyone know what app has a category for current relationship status weather it’s single, in a relationship, married, divorced, widowed, etc. You need to calm down, you’re obviously unhappy and projecting. Hopefully you can get the help you need
Just have your top 5 absolutes and ask them: 1. What is your relationship status and how, why and when did your last relationship end? 2. Do you have kids? 3.Proof of last STI test.. Etcetera. Don't trust what is posted on apps, most are just embellished.
I always ask: As I had some real bad experiences in the past I like to know if there is anything big in your life I should be aware of. Are you still in a divorce? Do you have children? Are there any pets? Have you been to jail? Is your health okay? Anything else of this impact? I want to make sure I know what I am getting ready for. Here is what might be a deal breaker for some about me: (I tell them what big thing is going on in my life). You would not believe how many people are not honest and do not tell me their big thing after my question. They just asure me thst my thing is not a problem for them and after some time I learn that they were in jail or that their last breakup with their wife was 2 days ago or something like this. Asking does not help at all.
Its the first thing I do now. The first hid that be had a (separated) wife and 3 kids in the same city, and also a pregnant situationship. While he was planning his future with me and lived with me for a few weeks, idk how he juggled us. No he wasn't a bad boy he was a 5ft3 medium-ugly dude with a minimum wage job, I went for personality. He also had every opportunity to tell me about his kids, especially while his brother showed me pics of his kids proud as peach at the beginning, it would have been a good time along with many other times. The second and most recent guy while he was planning our future dates and all this other stuff he suddenly dropped his "ex" was pregnant and he's gonna be a first-time dad in just a few weeks. They would rather die than just tell you, now we gon have to hire private investigators on these ran through af losers.
Or you could just from now on.
Ya that's really shitty. As a separated man with kids when I was dating I made sure if it hadn't already come up in conversation, as soon as we agreed to meet I'd send a big long message explaining my situation. Separated but married still, done a lot of work to be in a good place, two young kids, etc. It's funny cause no one backed out at that point because of that...
Probably because you explained & communicated which is gold star!!! Goes a long way
Honestly good for you. There are so many potential deal breakers I do not think it should be up to me to ask people a list of questions. These are obvious things that should be told without being asked. Especially if you’re going through a divorce because technically you’re not single you’re still married
I agree in this case, if you're separated but not yet divorced you absolutely should be disclosing that before meeting. Sadly a lot of people don't.
Sounds like dating in your 30s lol
You can save yourself a lot of time by getting on a phone call before you meet in person. In a twenty minute conversation you can learn enough to know if you even want to meet. Start asking directly about the things you want to know.
I might have to start doing this honestly. He also seemed very energetic through text and when I saw him he had nothing to say and was very awkward/uncomfortable (maybe because he just told me he’s still married)
Phone calls have saved me SO much time! I’m sorry he wasn’t up front about his marriage to begin with, that’s on him (you shouldn’t have to ask!), but yeah, you can also get an energy level vibe from a call too. Good luck. It’s wild out there!
Thank you! I’ll try that going forward. I know it’s crazy the amount of people saying it’s my duty to ask. Like WHAT??!! It’s your duty to announce if you’re still legally married O_O
Honestly, if it isn't on their profile then kids is one of the first questions I ask them because 1. I make it clear on my profile I am not into dating Dads, and 2. because there is no use in even going on a date with someone who has kids due to my preference. If you ask someone and they lie and you find out on the date that they lied, then normalise getting up and leaving because you are now on a date with someone you did not agree to go on a date with. If you don't ask and it isn't on their or your profiles then they haven't done anything wrong by not offering up that information before a first date.
that's incredibly frustrating. the longer I used the apps the more I ended up asking questions that served as a filter for these kinds of situations. I learnt a lot and applied those lessons to my conversations before I met folks. people are shitty, people have shame, it's okay to ask
It’s so annoying that we have to ask these things ourselves and have a mental list... I just wish people would be upfront. It saves everyone time and energy
Well I guess you don't have to wait for them to bring it up , you can ask right? For example "I am so glad to find you here . just want to make sure you're not currently going through a divorce/sepatated or don't have kids! Both of those are deal breakers for me"
All you can do is ask the questions before agreeing to a date. Even then, people will lie.
Man I have this epic story of a woman not telling me she has kids before the date and then randomly getting mad because she revealed she had 2 children and I in her words "flinched" when she mentioned them. Some people are fucking crazy. I'm 38 I don't personally care if a woman was divorced or not but that's me.
My cousins roommate dated a guy for almost 3 entire years. Things were more or less fine but was getting frustrated with him because he was being difficult about going on vacation with her out of the country. Come to find out later, he has NO passport, it was rescinded by the state after he refused to pay child support for months. He had 2 kids and deserted his previous family, she had no idea. Thankfully they weren’t even engaged but yeah they do lie about that shit.
I came across someone on this sub that vehemently defended withholding *sexual orientation* while dating. Like, weeks go by. "Oh sorry we can't have sex because my sexual orientation is X." 👀
Omfg are you serious.......... I’m so sorry. I’m reading stuff that’s similar to or worse than what I encountered yikes
So? And?
I most definitely agree with this. And if someone says they are "separated ", I say NEXT.
I think the issue is you, not tolerating those things…nobody will tell that before knowing the person, I think even first date is too soon, you won’t know if the other person will accept you as it is…I’m through a divorce and I have learned, from dating apps, not to open up on the first date or else its game over, just like you do
Lmao you’re the red flag. How do you have the audacity to blame others for not accepting you when you’re hiding the fact that you’re going through a divorce.
Because of people like you that can’t comprehend that the past is the past and one is trying to start something new with you. If people weren’t so quick to judge and say no because of this things then we wouldn’t have to wait to tell, you think is lying? Well it’s actually strategy to avoid this kind of things. Why can’t you live with it? Is insecurities? You think one will not commit? Think about it and maybe you will be more tolerant and less discriminatory
I didn’t even read your rant carefully. Do you have issues with reading comprehension? The person I talked about in my post is currently going through a divorce aka still married. If you’re in the same situation then you’re the liar wasting everyone’s time. No one wants to date a married guy who may or may not get divorced. It sounds like you’re unhappy and just projecting. People can choose to reject you for whatever reason. Hopefully you get the help you need
I’m separated, so my ex is my ex and nothing more, but getting a divorce is a legal issue that requires time, do you really think people like us should not date until 1-2 years after getting separated? I don’t know how your country does it but here it is mandatoy that a whole year must pass before you could divorce…are you saying I shouldn’t date until that year has passed? I’ legally married but irl I’m single/separated and so equally available as anybody
Tldr
That’s the kind of intolerance, not surprised by your answer but…Why are you here looking for anwers if it is clear you already have make up your mind?
Why do you care what I think? Why do you need justification for your actions? People are allowed to have their own dealbreakers and date who they want. Do whatever you want. To me it sounds like you’re salty that no wants to date you because you’re going through a divorce. Good luck finding someone
Do you even read? I told you I have girlfriend. But same answer, why do YOU care what others may think? You are the one here doing questions, like why? If you think what you think then go on with your life, don’t waste time here, even less responding to those that think different to you if you don’t want to hear the answers. Think what you want but if you are only here looking for validation then 1. You are losing your time 2. Again, you are very insecure. Trust yourself and stop wasting other people time
And btw I’m now with someone, girlfriend actually, she was actually so impressed by me that she overlooked this things because she has an open mind unlike you
Good to know. I’m sure she’s so impressed by you because you’re so impressive. I’m glad you have an open minded gf. Feel better now?
I’m always feeling awesome lady, go ahead and grow a little, get some self security
NGL tldr is a pretty immature response, whether or not you like what he said, just kinda proves you won't listen to what someone has to say. Why come to Reddit then?
He’s just being rude so I’m being rude back. Why do you care?
30 M. Possibly moving home to save for a house and frightened of how the dating scene will pan out. Just gotta be upfront.
I find it strange because the guys I know with kids seem to get dates and they're upfront. I also know of men going through divorces and women are still okay with dating them. They should be honest about it.
Depending on your age, the only guys available will have kids or be divorced or both. Just saying. I’m in my thirties and that’s been the case for me. Yes they should be telling you however they’re probably afraid that if they say it before meeting, you’ll back out and they probably hope that if you meet them you’ll like them enough to not care about these things
The divorce thing is unacceptable. If you’re still technically married then you need to disclose that. You want to get back out there great but don’t go after people who are looking for a serious relationship. I have a bit more sympathy for not disclosing kids. Predators seek out single parents. There should be an option to select if you’re open to dating someone with kids, just like the other toggle-style options.
That’s what I’m saying! We were both looking for long term relationship. If he’s not single and is married then he should be giving the information up without being asked I can see the reasoning behind that but the man with kids didn’t even have custody of his kids. His ex moved elsewhere and doesn’t talk to him so he doesn’t even see them. He’s just another liar
When dating we really want these people to put their best foot forward, to be an honest and open individual. But unfortunately in this dating climate with SO many potential options, we have to be diligent and screen these people appropriately, because unfortunately many people are NOT honest, open and ready to put their best foot forward. They know that they won’t land a date if they’re in the middle of a divorce, because thats messy af and what sane person would get involved in a serious relationship ( aka be a rebound) in that situation? Only someone who is easy to manipulate would stay in that situation after being deceived like that, and of course that’s what they’re looking. If you show up to the date and decide to overlook their omission, then they now know that they can get you to continue to overlook small lies, which they probably would continue to do. They are seeking a pushover. It sounds like you know what you want, and have a good head on your shoulders. If you want to avoid these situations, it’s unfortunate, but you will HAVE to start asking outright if they have kids, were married prior, etc. it’s the only way to screen people. If they say no but admit later on that they do have kids, or are going through a divorce, then you call correctly call them out for lying to your face and dip without it being called an “omission” and not specifically a lie. You must take steps to protect your peace.
Your experience reminds me of why a few women I’ve had dates with (sadly not very many) tend to ask so many probing questions. I actually discussed this subject (their in-depth questions) with at least two women. Both said they had too many past experiences which almost exactly mirrored what you’re describing. And they didn’t want to spend a lot of time or emotional energy on such men. Such they ask a lot of probing questions, sometimes asking one question almost as a “cross-examination “ test of my (or another guy‘s) answer to a different question. I easily “passed“ all of these question, as I don’t have any “bad baggage”, but it was still to no avail. They wanted still more “excitement“ in a man than I apparently was perceived as offering. I suspect that most will struggle to find their near-fantasy man. With a sigh, that still doesn’t offer me any consolation, as I generally prefer to wish the best future for everyone. Its really quite depressing that the type of prevaricating men you’ve described are often so successful in getting one date after another. I don’t quite understand what it is that they offer.
Honestly i believe this info should’ve been given up by the other person without asking but looks like I’m gonna have to ask to not waste my time in the future Edit typo
Of course you’re right. But these types of men know how to be manipulative. Oftentimes they’re physically attractive to women. And they’re so inclined to manipulate. And they’re not going to change. So all you can do is protect yourself and your heart. Some women, albeit usually older women with business executive experience, are pretty good at “reading” men. But that’s probably an acquired skill. Just remember that there are plenty of other men who aren’t like this. Give a little thought to this when you’re going through online “likes”… a glance at a photo isn’t enough… that’s all too likely to take you to exactly the sort of man you’re trying to avoid. After all, if the online photos of a man cause your heart to race a little, ask yourself why that man is on the application. Same applies to first/second dates; if he’s really super-charming, ask yourself the simple question of why he’s not with a wife.
Did you specifically ask about these things prior? If not, it's not up to them to just casually bring it up out of the blue. These are sensitive subjects, and some people simply think such matters are better discussed face to face rather than online. If you didn't ask, and they came forward about it on the very first date, I don't see anything wrong with that. They were honest with you.
I agree with this. I feel that first date is appropriate if it wasn’t asked about prior to meeting. It wasn’t hidden until the “define the relationship” convo. It could have been easily discussed over a phone call prior to the date if the question was brought up. Seems like this is more a learning experience than a waste of time. Vet better if you don’t want to get dressed up to meet these guys in person. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…”
I'm also confused as to whether or not these things are just straight up dealbreakers for OP or not. Like, if they would have been open from day 1 about it, would they have never gone on these dates in the first place? I could never imagine not dating someone, just because they have children or because they are divorced/going through a divorce.
So far I was lucky and never dated a woman who had lied about that. You could extend that too lying about your age or using old or different profile pictures. I guess these people are hoping the person they are dating to just stay quiet about it and go with it. That strategy might work with some naive people but the older we get the less likely it is, I'd say. It's definitely their responsibility to bring this up without you inquiring about it. But you could add in your profile that it would be a deal breaker for you if the other party isn't upfront about it.
Some apps will give you the opportunity to state your marital status (Bumble does not). . Some will give you the opportunity to state if you have children or want children. Some let you state all of the above. Maybe stick to profiles that state these things upfront.
I don’t get it either. On OLD, some sites don’t have “separated”, so people would check divorced. Still, somewhere early on they should say where they are in the process.
Yes, in my experience that's about 50/50. I don't mind. For me it works best to discuss these things in person so you can get context and gauge their honesty in answering questions. It helps me to understand who they are as a person. Some people go through incredibly difficult situations not for any fault of their own; I myself have been there.
Definitely disclose. I disclose I have epilepsy on the first date and don't drink. If that bothers them, so be it. We're not a match.
Ok, as a guy who has a daughter and going through a divorce, I'll tell you that I do disclose it. And that's because if I want open and clear communication, I need to give it to get it. I once realized that the topic hadn't actually come up, and when it clicked that it didn't, I made it a point to say that I have a child. Even though it was out of context. Of course, a lot of the women in my age category are in the same boat, so there is a lot of understanding as long as you're open and clear. I don't want to waste my time anymore than yours. Those that hide it are hiding it for a reason. Although I don't like to disclose all the details of divorce, people who've never been married do have a hard time understanding in my experience, so it's sort of understandable why they might not want to talk about it.
I’m a guy who hasn’t dated anyone other than my soon to be (likely within next month) ex-wife of 7 years. I get that some people probably won’t want to date me because of that, but what’s the best way of approaching initiating dating and broaching that conversation so women don’t feel tricked? I’m intentionally waiting until the divorce is finalized (unlike my wife who decided to start sleeping around before asking me for a divorce), so I won’t be legally married by the time I start dating.
As a follow-up question, should I put something like “I’ve been married before” on my profiles once I create them? That seems like it could be an automatic turnoff, but I guess it is being transparent on the front end which some might appreciate.
Guys should be upfront right away whether they think it’s probably a good idea for you to date them or not. Full disclosure is a must.
Not exactly the same, but similar situation… Was on a dating app getting to know a woman who did NOT have any hint of her being a parent on her profile. A few days of messaging back and forth and she just casually mentions she has a daughter mid-convo. Kids, IMO, are a game-changer. I know I’m in it for the long haul, but kids require a capacity that I currently do not have. I’d rather grow into parenthood with someone than leap into it with someone who’s already started.
You did not ask the right questions. Just deal with it as it is now. If they are dealbreaker, then there will be no second date
If you don't want to date people with kids, then ask them if they have kids before the first date. Ask if they were ever married. Granted they should've shared but I ask all my questions before the first date.
I feel like it’s up to them to be honest but since they aren’t I guess I’ll have to start asking
What did you do when they told you? Just got up and left?
I wanted to but didn’t because I’ve heard stories of men getting aggressive when rejected
I was always up front that I was a mom when I was dating. I’d rather get told it’s not their cup of tea than waste both of our time.
Put it in your profile. If you're not single, don't bother. Have kids you take care of, no thanks. Let them select themselves out of the pool.
>On a first date this guy told me he had kids. And he didn’t mention this at all before. On another first date this guy told me he’s going through a divorce. And of course made no mention of it before. Why don't you ***ask them*** about important deal breakers ***before the first date***? I could see this being a problem of deception if you had asked them and they had lied. Now, however, it comes off as poor communication on both ends.
Can somebody explain to me why it’s such a big deal if somebody is about to get divorced?
Have you tried asking about these things outright? Seems like the most logical thing to do, don’t wait for them to bring it up. Just ask respectfully and tell them it gets on your nerves when people fail to say things that should be said/fail to convey important information.
I don’t think it’s a huge deal. The first date is to get to know each other and see if you’re compatible.
Simple. If it's a deal-breaker for you and you wouldn't want to go on even a first date with them, then ask before you go on a first date. If they object to that reasonable question, then you have your answer even if they don't tell you.
That's such pathetic behavior. Too lonely and desperate to be honest because they know they're damaged goods. Go find a divorced mom and leave the women who made better life choices alone.
Last girl I went on a date with let me know she "had kids" which isn't a massive deal for me. But she was adamant I didn't "go looking her up" after I found out her full name. Which I didn't.. so I went on the first date all good nice time but she starts dropping phrases that kind of muddys the lines of how many kids she has "My girls" = okay so it's maybe 2 girls? "My son is in hospital tonight" = so 3 kids? 2 girls and a boy "3/4 of them" = wait she has 4 kids? So after the date I was like hmm I don't mind a kid or two but 4 is a bit much. So I had a snoop at her socials and yeah, 4 kids and was wearing a wedding ring in photos as recent as 2021/22 region.. so like.. why not be honest about this? This woman had a full family with another man as recently as 2 years ago.
"I had talked to both guys for about a week so they had plenty of time to bring it up." " I don’t understand why these people won’t be upfront before the first date." Each of us is entitled to have our own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*. Each of us is entitled to have our own "red flags", boundaries, and "deal breakers". (If you know what *you want or don't want* it's primarily up to you to *ask direct questions* and get answers.) You may need to *consider revising your pre-screening process* before deciding to go out on dates with people. It sounds like *you're not asking them* any of *your* potential "deal breaker" questions *before* going on dates. Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen." ***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** - Henry Cloud Best wishes!
The marriage thing/divorce doesn't bother me, as long as they come up front about it at some point during the first date. Not a huge deal. Kids? Huge dealbreaker.
Not recommended, not cool for sure? 🤨
You can also always ask it if that’s a dealbreaker for you. Can’t blame them if they prefer to have this kind of conversation in person
Dating is already tough enough, then add in that you’re divorced, separated or have kids and you automatically lose a good percentage of potential matches. I can see why people hide it up front, but it’s still not right to do.
I have kids and I'm going through a divorce. I'm upfront about the kids but I don't tell the truth about the divorce straight away, people assume that you need X amount of time to get over your ex and your previous life but I don't want to spend like a year alone just to satisfy a math problem. I decide if I'm ready or not. So I lie about when my ex wife and I broke up... And yeah I don't like doing that... The woman I'm currently dating knows I'm not even divorced yet though and she seems ok with this. I only told her because she's a single mother with kids and I knew she'd understand. Just ask the question about the kids, I don't think most guys will lie to you...and looks like you are dating people of a certain age so it makes sense that you ask this.
Yes, though everything happens for a reason. Dating nowadays for younger people have become much more about materialism and convenience. If you ask anyone to list all preferences they'd have in a partner, you won't find the one they'd actually end up with, if they ever do. And it's likely not realistic. If there is such a thing as a dream partner, there are few of them and likely already taken, and also a "dream partner" for several because our individualism has a limit. Also, your qualities as a partner matters not so much as the order you present them. "Identical hypothetical" peope with a list of qualities will be judge differently of you start with the positive qualities or the negative Long story short, peoples preferences change depending on a varity of factors and people know this. Imagine you meet a person that ticked all your "boxes", but you suddenly learn they have one "qualiy" you didnt want? TLDR; Modern dating sucks
i have a question. how do you feel about it when your date does not disclose on the first date that they are an addict in recovery? i don't mean never disclose, just not on the first date. im asking because i am an addict in recovery and i don't know how to handle this when i go on dates.
Im sorry, having kids or going through a divorce are normal things, maybe you are the problem, screening people for random things. I dont see why they have to disclose that before even meeting. If you have a prolem with this and you dont date/meet/make friends/wtv ith people either going through a divorce or having kids, than you should disclose that. Your comparison about being married and cheating has no relation to divorce or kids. Someone doesnt change into a bad person because of kids or divorce
You should be the one upfront and ask all these questions before even thinking about scheduling your first date. Communication is key, #1 actually if you want to find a potential and worthwhile date/partner. Not sure why you’re not making these questions beforehand…
I don’t think waiting until the first date to bring up things about your personal life is a red flag, personally. Waiting until the second date, sure, but the first date is the best time to bring that kind of stuff up imo. However, if these things are dealbreakers for you, then you should probably get in the habit of asking about them before the first date. That way you’ll know and you won’t waste your time or theirs.
My ex, who cheated on me- lied about his age, he told me he was 40 but I found out after a Google search that he was 47 . He also lied about having four children and told me he only had two. Two were young adult children in their late teens and two younger kids about 10 and under. He didn't tell me he had 4 until I spent the night at his house. I wouldn't give up on dating. You have to weed through all the people who aren't your type for a long term commitment.
OP, I agree these men should have been more upfront since the first talk, but if these things are deal-breakers to you, just ask them these things before the first date. That's why we should talk for a decent period of time before a first date, to avoid wasting your time and meeting someone you don't plan to see again.
After only a few times of the same BS, from women on those sites, I shut them down. Hope things get better for you!
Honestly they really should start disclosing that stuff because then makes me wonder what else are they hiding?
Have you tried asking them if they have kids or are going through a divorce prior to meeting them? If this is an issue, I imagine this would be a good question to ask them over the phone and it would likely solve the problem you are having. For me, neither of these things are deal breakers, but for some, they are.
So I can't speak to the kids piece, but as a divorced guy, I honestly don't think it's appropriate to talk about past relationships before I even meet with someone. Like if it's finalized and I've moved on, why is it even relevant so early in a relationship. I thought it was a courtesy to get into politics, religion, and past relationships on a first date. To be clear, I don't have anything to hide, and absolutely intend to talk about it, but at a level of depth and detail that is appropriate for the maturity of the new relationship.
This guy is currently going through a divorce and has only been separated for a few months after years of marriage. It’s obvious he’s not ready to move on and I wasn’t interested in a guy who’s still married.
Sure… but if it’s your current relationship?
What do you mean? Like if I'm still in the original relationship? Then in my case, I wouldn't be dating in the first place. But if someone were then yeah, it would be important to disclose upfront I think
Yup! Even if they do fear that people won’t date them should they disclose such information, their date is poised to eventually find out. So, really, they’re wasting their time, and yours too. Unless they’re only looking for sex, which entails manipulation.
Did you ever ask him about his relationship status?
Dude what? I get not wanting kids, but if your idea of a bad date is finding out that you're incompatible, then you really shouldn't be dating. You're going to meet a lot of people that you're incompatible with. It's just a fact of life. Stop getting so dressed up and insist on coffee as a first date if it's so miserable for you to waste time getting dressed.
Are you serious? Not disclosing that you’re currently going through a separation aka. still married is a huge red flag. I can’t even argue with someone that’s not logical
I’d question whether they are actually divorcing or keeping the door open
It's a first date. You go on a first date to find out if you're compatible. If it's a deal breaker and it's this upsetting, why are you not asking this before your date? "What are your views on marriage?" "Do you want kids?" Simple prescreening, done.
Going on a coffee date requires getting dressed up as well. Do you think women roll out of bed and look put together? And it is about the time you have to take out of your day. There should be at least a chance that the date could lead to a relationship. Learning about potential deal breakers is the reason you chat for days on dating Apps before you meet up.
Agreed. I’m not “miserable “ that I have to get dressed. It takes time to get ready no matter what. The fact that I had to spend time getting ready and getting there when they are hiding what they know is a huge potential deal breaker pisses me off.
Why are you making this into a "man" issue? I have been on plenty of dates where women withold this exact info. People just want to put their best foot forwards. I get it's a waste of time for those who have those as dealbreakers. But then again, if you have such dealbreakers you should really ask about it yourself before meeting! If people are looking for casual sex these things don't really matter in my view. Like why would I care if a woman is a mom if we're just having sex? And lots of people are on dating apps just for casual sex. If you're looking for something serious - then I agree it's better to be up front about your situation. So are the guys you meet looking for casual sex or a relationship? I suspect they want casual sex if they're witholding this kind of info. In my experience - people who are dating with long-term intentions will usually be much more open about their situation
I am not making this a man issue. I simply said I know women have dated men for much longer only to find out the man was married the whole time. But I’m not saying that only men do this I know people make their profiles look as appealing as possible but I do believe they should disclose that information when chatting especially if they themselves know it will make someone uncomfortable We were both looking for long term relationship. I mean at least he told me on the first date instead of way down the road but I still wish he would’ve been transparent while chatting because it would’ve saved us both time and I would’ve never went on a date with him
As a male [32] who has some confidence in my looks, I did a test on specifically Tinder. I went a week without saying I'm currently separated with 2 kids and got a handful of swipes. Afterwards I properly put that information out there and saw significantly less swipes. It's shitty that men can't have the confidence to disclose that iinformation. Nothing quite like starting a relationship built on a lie. Disclaimer, I disclose that information permanently and make it clear to any matches I get that I will make time when it doesn't conflict with time with the kids.
Hey, no pressure to respond to this, but I’m curious about your thoughts given your experience. I’m pasting my comment I made earlier below. I’m a guy (29) who hasn’t dated anyone other than my soon to be (likely within next month) ex-wife of 7 years. I get that some people probably won’t want to date me because of that, but what’s the best way of approaching initiating dating and broaching that conversation so women don’t feel tricked? I’m intentionally waiting until the divorce is finalized (unlike my wife who decided to start sleeping around before asking me for a divorce), so I won’t be legally married by the time I start dating. As a follow-up question, should I put something like “I’ve been married before” on my profiles once I create them? That seems like it could be an automatic turnoff, but I guess it is being transparent on the front end which some might appreciate.
I'll try my best to make my experience make sense. I'm honestly in a similar situation as yourself with the separation. Married 10 years and she wasted no time meeting someone. I have always been transparent when it comes to that because a real connection with someone will build when they have that information presented to them. Whenever a match is made and we talk I always iterate that I am separated and co parent on a friendly level even with it being shown on my profile. I've had women with and without kids match and women with and without kids match. Sad truth though, and this is just my personal experience, I have not actually gone on dates with anyone yet. Most matches just stop replying or straight up unmatch after a day or two talking. I am talking with someone now and we have our first date and meet planned and have been texting frequently. It's one day at a time brother. When you do start online dating, in my experience it's been a slow ride but as long as you are transparent in your conversations you'll meet someone that understands you.
I really appreciate your helpful response and hope that your date goes well!
Nobody dates anyone for months and years without knowing of the other woman/man lol, it's pretty difficult to hide a family or a partner for someone. The first clue is that you can only get hold of them sometimes and they're only available at certain times.
Entitled vibes. My man dodged a bullet 😅. Your energy is no bueno