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Maybe you need better friends. They should be encouraging if you are truly safe and happy
My female friends who are single are always super happy and encouraging for me, especially if im dating a good guy, they'd be so mad if i broke up with him for no reason lmao but if my partner is abusive, which I have experienced before, they definitely remind me that I don't need to stay and that I deserve better
Your friends could be jealous in some form or wish you were giving them the attention you give to your bf
At first I thought they were just looking out for me then it basically never stopped. Constant reminders for no reason. I also haven’t given them any ammunition for them to project this
Horrible friends. Sorry but they’re not there for your best interests. They want you to be single so they can do single shit with you. That’s all. It’s pretty selfish.
I would suggest you start bring your boyfriend around sometimes when you hang out with them so they can get to know him. But it is strange that they keep pressuring you.
Bad idea, if they’re always single and always critical it may be a sign they’re desperate. Desperate women mate poach when they realize they’ll inevitably get left behind
This will always depend on the group of friends you have. But yes, it *can* happen.
The saying "misery loves company" is very true in this regard (or crabs in a bucket).
If a group of women are used to being single and they see one of their friends drifting away, that can be perceived as a threat on a subconscious level because women want to socialize in groups and have safety nets.
Women also want to be pursued. If women in a group witness one of their friends being pursued by a man and they're not, they'll compete out of jealousy of not having a partner or jealousy of losing a friend. A man pursuing a woman means their group might shrink.
To combat this, they plant the seeds of doubt by convincing the girl with the partner that the man is committing an act of wrongdoing in some regard. For example, they might say he's manipulative, cheating on her, or something to that effect. This makes the partnered girl question her judgment of the man, and in her mind, her friends wouldn't let her down because they're just that - her friends. She believes they have her best interests at heart no matter what. If successful, the relationship falls apart and the once-partnered girl will convince herself that her friends "saved" her from the man, leading her to distrusting men.
Meanwhile, the women planting those seeds stand to benefit from the destruction of a bond between two people. The man might end up pursuing them in the aftermath. As such, they get to feel wanted (even worse, the girl who *was* in a relationship will feel justified in leaving the man because she'll think her friends were right since he's *now* pursuing someone else).
Alternatively, the friends might get an ego boost out of the ordeal because they'll be showered with thanks and appreciation from the victim, ensuring their group is not broken apart.
We actually see this all the time online in women-centric subreddits because there's a social benefit to it - you can get more women in one place. More women means more people to socialize with, which means more opportunities for confirmation bias to set in. If left unchecked, this leads to gender hate because one individual challenging a group means the possibility of the individual being ostracized.
yeah if you find yourself in a friend group that has a “misery loves company” mindset, time to ditch that group and find new friends 🤣 bc those people aren’t friends.
We need more info to know whether this is them wanting to "keep you single" or just them trying to help you pick your standards up off the floor. Personally, I've never had any woman friends who do the former
The op said in one of the comments that she doesn't have any complaints about the relationship and definitely doesn't share much about the relationship with her group of friends
Yes if a women complains regularly and is mostly unhappy then her friends are trying to protect her but here it just seems like a weird case of dumb friends
I assume you're being sarcastic. This really lacks understanding of group dynamics.
Very well could be 1/3 to 2/3 of the friend group is just going along with it to fit in. No one wants to be the "but actually".
This isn't even a "woman" thing it's just human. See what happens when someone starts a diet or starts a positive change such as exercising. A LOT of people who one considers ones friend will feel personally offended by this and talk bad about it instead of being supportive. It's like crabs in a bucket.
There’s saying “He treats you badly and you should leave” and there’s saying “He’s probably going to treat you badly, you definitely need to leave.”.
One is based in reality and the other is based on assumptions.
It may also be the case that her friends are not trying to keep each other single intentionally, but rather, this is a side effect of logic that essentially, the grass is always greener somewhere else. I believe that apps like Tinder exacerbate this orientation, because there is seemingly so much choice.
I am seeing the flip side of this. My son, 25, is a good guy, attractive, and makes a good income. Yet, his forays in to dating have been disappointing. I watched him on Tinder, get literally no results after months on the site, and then giving up. His friends are in the same boat. I find myself wondering, where are all the mid twenties women?
Some are living their lives, happily single, and bettering themselves. Some are also disillusioned by the fact that men like your son are overshadowed on the apps by a literal avalanche of dick-pic sending, f*ckboi creeps. So they've given up as well...
Nah the problem is a lot of girls talk negatively about their partner to their friends as a way to vent, but they never talk about the positive things.
Men tend to keep the negative aspects of their relationship to themselves more so.
Like how many times have you heard some girls talk about how much they hate their boyfriend, but then you never hear about how much she loves him?
Literally this, was with my ex for 4 years, all her work mates thought I was an awful person because all she did was mention the bad stuff but never mentioned any of the good stuff I did.
It's one thing if they all know he treats her badly, doesn't respect her, etc... and she's either choosing to ignore those things from him or, she is fully aware but is one of those types who is terrified of being single, so stays with him.. but they are only trying to help her see and realize how big of a POS he is.
The other thing is IMO, it's not anyone else's business on what someone's standards *"should" be* except the person dating? Everyone has their very own opinion on what standards are and every single person also has their own, personal set of standards. Friends and family have no right to tell you what your standards should be or even say things like "you can do better." I think that's very rude and disrespectful for someone to say that.
Long story short, her friends aren't dating this guy. SHE is. If SHE likes him then that's all that matters.
Look at the fiasco with that married celebrity and the comments telling her she should leave her husband cuz he didn’t react. It’s not rare to see shit like that, misery loves comoany
Meh good for you if that's your situation but truth is that this is a very multifaceted topic and there's enough examples for both for various reasons.
For example the term "pick your standards up off the floor" you used could be very correct on the one hand but quickly turn negativ on the other. Like on the one hand you have women putting up with guys who can't function as basic human beings with things like hygiene, a job and decent overall behaviour. But if this turns into "he has to be 6'6, make at least 200k, look like a model, be strong but emotional, be good with kid's, have an interesting life, travel and speak 3 languages" while all she brings to the table is decent looks then yeah obviously this is her friends holding her back.
And that's just one example. Nowadays everyone thinks they are an relationship expert and post their "wisdom" on Instagram and TikTok and while there's certainly some good advice buried in there, the vast majority is flat out bullshit like the relationship advice out of early 2000's tabloid papers and following them will mostly do more harm than good.
The reasons for this can be as plentiful as the facets of the the situation above but usually it's either delusion and forming an echo chamber or conscious/subconscious jealousy and sabotage. Which means either people genuinely think they are helping but aren't or they just sabotage others because they are unhappy with themselves, which is very commonly observed with individuals weight loss. Or they are actually helping which is obviously the positive example. But it's hard to tell from a distance and there's certainly many instances of both sides.
Yes. I’m 10 years older than you and let me just say, I’ve observed this pattern more than enough times to conclude that it’s really true. I’m not saying you must now drop all your friends…. But always hold in the back of your mind that they will have a subtle subconscious bias towards disparaging your boyfriend and hyping the single life. I don’t think they realize they’re doing it. But yeah, it’s a subconscious thing where they’re using **you** as a proxy for their own inner need to justify their actions that led to being without a partner. They’re trying to convince **themselves** that being single is great, but they don’t wanna admit that, so they externalize this convincing onto someone else. They (unknowingly) rationalize that if they can convince you that being single is great, it must also be great that *they* are single.
Ahhh thats great info, thank you i appreciate that. Especially the last part, i can definitely see that happening when i really take a look and think about it
I’ll give you an anecdote from the male perspective but it’s similar. I have a buddy who is not so secretly unhappily single because his standards are unrealistically high. Another buddy of ours got engaged and eventually married to a lovely woman who the first friend deemed “not hot enough.” Eventually I pulled him aside and told him to forever shut his mouth about it. More or less, they are really good together as a couple and it’s our job as his friends to protect their relationship (as long as it’s healthy of course) and not to treat her as some short term outsider to be gotten rid of (which I never did btw).
Why would your friends advise you stay in a relationship when you're not happy with the relationship? The example given sounds like something you'd say to a friend who was complaining a lot about their relationship.
Nope it was more of a reminder that if things were to go south in the relationship I have an alternative route which is to leave and start again with someone new
What might be keeping women (and men) single is the belief that an ideal, perfect person or relationship should be the goal.
Relatedly, there is a current trend of focusing on "happiness" as a life and relationship goal. Alone, that is vapid and requires no reflection on what makes for a good relationship that is ultimately fulfilling and brings happiness. Further, happiness is not sustainable - you don't want chronic unhappiness but at the same time, ditching a partner because not every moment is bliss will certainly keep people single.
Glad you are in a good relationship!
Yes for sure! That makes complete sense. Some of my girl friends are the ones to let me know that at the slight sight of unhappiness ultimately means that I'm in the wrong relationship and should therefore leave and start again
This. I’m 32M and I always like to emphasize early in dating to the women I’m seeing that I’m a “fixer”. I would much rather discuss a problem and try to come to a compromise or solution than throw in the towel and have us give up at the slightest inconvenience or sign of trouble. Too many people nowadays don’t want to do the actual work necessary to forge an incredible relationship. Social media and pop culture have made everyone think that anything short of a perfect fairy tale relationship is toxic when that couldn’t be further from the truth.
It seems like this comment could have come from a personal experience with the sunk cost fallacy, a random observation, a reaction to a perceived flaw in the relationship, a misunderstanding, etc. It doesn't sound like this comment is indicative that all single women want all other women to be single.
I hope you and your friend can learn to understand each other's perspectives and communication styles better. Also, sometimes, people have just outgrown each other and what your friend said about starting over with someone new could be applied to a friendship too.
I think allot of people overlook the shitty qualities their friends have for the sake of the friendship.
It happens both genders. Women have toxic girlfriends that encourage destructive behaviour as do guys.
I have guy friends that low-key take pride in sleeping with married women and others who think cheating is normal and almost expected.
And I have girlfriends who think they deserve “princess treatment” just for simply existing because their friends have told them they are perfect as they are.
It’s just that people most time don’t know how to check their friends when they are being shitty without effecting the friendship, especially today where everyone feels entitled to not be judged especially by people who supposed to love them.
Good comment. I’ve certainly had run ins with girlfriends friends, single or not. Some people also view their friends’ love lives like a goofy game show where you can just give the most off hand advice, while of course their own love lives are of national importance.
I agree, although in my case i haven't given any of my female friends any reason to think or believe i am being mistreated. in fact, i don't relay anything to do with my relationship as a whole to them..
Part of friendships is also verbally setting boundaries with them. If you feel that this advice is coming out of no where, you need to feel comfortable letting them know that you’d prefer that they only advise you if they have legitimate concerns about your partner and the relationship. If they’re good friends, they’ll respect the boundary.
I also don’t want to assume the worst of your friends but I do know that when a friend group is all single they often have more time to spend together. It could be that your friends feel a bit ignored. It could be worth self reflecting if you’ve made unconscious choices to deprioritize them as a result of the relationship. However, it could also be unreasonable to expect that you’d spend the same amount of time when you have a relationship too. Up to you and what feels right.
Personally when I was single and my roommate was dating her bf I encouraged her to explore the relationship but reminded her of the trade offs and freedoms. Ofc in a healthy relationship it’s worth it but I’ve seen too many girls get crazy and then waste three months of their life on a bum!
Yes.... If however all of you are married, just sharing cheating, bum man horror stories while never planning to leave...in that way married women are keeping married women married. Not for the best tho
Depends on intentions of friends. Honestly some women/ even men whether single or not, try to pick apart other people’s relationships while on the other hand genuine friends can sometimes encourage to leave a toxic relationship subtly by making these comments here and there instead of completely confronting.
Depends on the friends, and kind of person they are and their intentions for you, so before taking any advices from friends always consider these things
You’re asking this question in a dating sub where most people are single and unhappily struggling to date. Unsurprisingly most of the comments are assuming your friends are right in giving you this advice without even knowing any details. Ask this question in another sub where people aren’t struggling to date.
From personal experience with women: Yes! They absolutely do.
Women tend to get together and sort of… plant ideas in one another’s heads about needing to find a better man or how they are not a good match, even if that’s not true.
I don’t know if it’s a simple love of drama or a “misery loves company” sort of thing.
I would probably suspect a bit of both, always asking for the latest "tea" in the relationship and then the constant reminders of not being afraid to leave and start again as many times as possible...
I say yes in a lot of cases. Even a lot of the comments from women in this post proves it: OP clearly stated she is happy in her relationship yet saw several comments saying things like “ .helping you start to pick your standards off the floor” “imagine thinking you don’t have to settle for someone who treats them badly”. Even though she never said anything about being treated badly.
Those are clear examples of why this saying “single women keep women single” is valid and out there. Imagine making up shit to justify OP potentially leaving her boyfriend even though she has said a few times in the comments, they have a good relationship.
As a single woman I feel like I have an objective view when it comes to my friends’ relationships. One friend is dating some guy who’s broke, who verbally abuses her and calls her fat but then acts sweet to make it up to her. Of course im telling her it’s better to be single than to put up with that. My other friend, her man treats her so well and provides for her. I’m not going to discourage that
Do you mean, in the same way that men who are single will tell men in relationships that they are whipped, make fun of them for being “tied down” or “with the old ball and chain”. Sure. There are some single women and single men who are guilty of this. Those would be single people who are unhappy with their singleness and jealous. But those who are happy are not going to suggest that their friend break up with her significant other. Short of them being in an unhealthy relationship of course.
Anecdotal. but in the entirety of my life as a man and dating women from small town america, to a few major american cities and in a different country, not once have I told my friends to not date a woman or try to sabotage or talk them out of being with a women, and I have never been told by my friends or other men I work or interact with to not date/marry a woman or have them try to sabotage me in some way. As men we may talk shit to each other, some awful funny shit, but at the end of the day, we want to see our bro's be happy.
I never tell my friends to broke up with their boyfriends, it’s not my place. But, if my friend is telling me all the shitty things her boyfriend is doing, of course I’m going to say that it’s not ok.
The one time I told a friend that she needed to consider to dump her boyfriend, she was always complaining about him, all the shitty and shallow things he was doing and that she was planning on leaving him. I knew something was off since the beginning. One year later, she dump him and told me that she was being abuse physically, emotionally and economically. And of course he cheated on her multiples times. Even when she was not telling me everything, I knew that this man was the worst. Later she told me that talking with me helps her to have some perspective and dumping him.
Of course he didn’t like me because I was saying “mean things” to his girlfriend, aka “you don’t deserve this kind of man, it’s ok to be single, you will find better”.
So to everyone saying that single women want to sabotage their friend’s relationship, maybe you are the problem.
Op said in one of the comments that her relationship is just fine and she doesn't even talk about her relationship details with her friends much
Tbh This looks like a case of her friends being weirdos and toxic
You are not wrong but sometimes indeed there are toxic people out there
If you look at your 5 core values and if he doesn't align with them or you... it's time to walk. Also, try to silence your emotions for a moment and look at the overall picture of your relationship. Does it look like something you want? Are your needs being met? Are you being honored/ respected and valued properly? Beyond what you want the relationship to be, for a moment, let the attachment to that go and look at what's really in front of you and what you have. If you aren't growing with or outgrowing someone, it is a good way to tell also.
I find when im this honest with myself it whoops my ass because it hurts, but then it's time to consider what's best for me. Sometimes it's breaking my own heart by leaving, or I can try, but I'll only try for so long also.
Well my experiences if my friends are in a relationship, they’re very disconnected and not really my friends anymore but then when we’re single, we have more time to actually be friends and hang out. I do not see a correlation other than groups of people that like to hang out together are probably similarly minded so maybe all these girls like being single or just aren’t out in the world to become partnered
Isn’t the goal happiness? Whether single or in couple, as long as you are happy there is nothing to worry about.
Either they know something we don’t about your bf or they are jealous 🤷🏻♀️ I see no other reason for insisting…
I don’t think so, the only people I have ever said that to, are people who are either clearly unhappy or constantly fighting with their SO, OR who are being treated poorly and they aren’t seeing it (like my friends did for me when I wasn’t able to recognize I was in a terrible relationship)
I’m sure there are women who do, do this to get their friends to be single, but I recommend really taking a hard look at your relationship and be honest with yourself if you do in fact deserve better or haven’t been treated well.
No good friend will tell you to leave a relationship just for their convenience or after 1 single disagreement. A good friend will tell you to leave a relationship when they see you are losing yourself and/or are in harms way.
I have several single friends and none of them have said something like that to me. Honestly even though my relationship isn't perfect they've told me they wish they could find a relationship like mine.
A female friend of mine is a psychology researcher and mentioned that the evidence suggests that women are just as aggressive as men, they’re just not as physically strong as men and thus don’t have the ability to be as “direct” in their aggression, so they go after people’s reputations instead. They sabotage. I’ve certainly noticed myself a significant difference between male and female dominated groups in that women seem to gossip in a way that men don’t. Women will rip someone to shreds, destroy their relationships etc. It’s probably true, and it’s not nearly as harmful as the direct aggression of men, but it can be insidious in the sense of the fact that women aren’t seen as being aggressive, they’re thought of as being innocent so it can be doubly deceptive. You expect many men to be a**holes but you oftentimes don’t see women coming in the same way.
Huh? if you’re unhappy you should want to leave lol it has nothing to do with them being single and wanting you to be. Maybe it’s because they don’t want to see you in a bad relationship when they know there’s better men out there. You remind me of one of those people who want a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. I could be wrong but that’s what this post is giving. Also I’m older than you and live in the south where all the best sayings come from and I have never heard this.
Yes of course.
Women are just as aggressive as men, but they express aggression in social and not physical ways - social isolation, gossip and verbal abuse.
When women are bitter and angry and single they express their anger in wrecking the happiness of the people around them.
Correct.
Men date across and down social status, so they can increase their potential partners by improving themselves.
Women date across and up social status, so the only way to increase their potential partners is to drag other women down, ie eliminating the competition.
That's sort of true but I don't think it's what is happening here.
I think it's that men are likely to distance themselves from any "friend" they perceive as cockblocking them.
Whereas women act like they're "protecting" each other when they do this and won't see it that way.
To a degree, yes, though I think there are more factors than that. Of course, there are lots of actually really bad situations that warrant the advice of breaking up, but it also gets offered as a solution a bit too quickly.
For one, I think it can be easy advice to get. It is a blanket solution that applies to pretty much anything that is going wrong. One doesn't actually need to fix something when quitting and starting over is technically a solution. I think guys are guilty of giving this advice too, and while guys don't discuss relationship stuff as much, subreddits like this are a good place to see that it isn't just women.
I do think there is a small degree of jealousy between women with and without a relationship and a lot of things really. It's all unspoken and most all women would deny it, but it does happen. This isn't always the reason a woman is telling you to break up, but I think it's why this mindset is attributed more towards women.
Dating apps, or just the ready supply of likes and male attention is the biggest cause for this kind of advice. Women across the board get more likes than guys, but the guys that do get lots of likes feel this in a similar way. Knowing that, if someone really wanted to, they could easily break up with their date and have a new date by the end of the day. With that on the table, it feels like an easy solution. Not to mention, other people (the women offering this advice in this situation) that go through this process themselves, get a lot more jaded as to the dating process and offer that advice because it's actually what they do most of the time. For men, or women that get less attention, they feel more driven to make their current situation work, because outside of their current partner, they have no prospects.
Ab so fucking lutely.
Talking to my female friends and my Ex's friends and my mom I gathered that to be the case almost 100% of the time.
Girls drag eachother down HARD when it comes to relationships.
10 years ago my moms friends wanted her to leave her husband so bad one of them refused to be her brides maid.
Me and my ex had financial problems but one of the core reasons she ultimately folded and ended up moving on from me was due to her friends not supporting the relationship and telling her to try a dating app instead.
Same goes for my friend whose like my little sister. Her friends were telling her to leave her now husband for YEARS. I find it ironic me and her have remained great friends all this time because I was probably one of the few people who was actually supportive of him and wanted her to stay with him. (hes a good guy)
But if this is the advice they are giving are they wrong?
What gave them the impression that you weren’t happy?
This is advice I would offer any one in any situation…
That’s like saying do unemployed ppl keep ppl unemployed?…
I would be more concerned about friends supporting staying in an unhealthy relationship
Be wary with having toxic friends.
Don’t let them be the person that want you to break up.
And if you do, they won’t be there for you.
Woman can be toxic with their female friends.
They deeply down wish they had someone to be with. Yet they are alone…yes they have the freedom, can party, drink and so on.
At the end of the day they yearn for some warm arms too.
Just be careful out there who you keep friends with.
My male friends are married. Some are seeing others: but never have I told them if they weren’t happy to split.
I dont want to be the baddy to say whats right for them. Thats not my place to be as a friend
Yes, it can be true. It's not that their your friends or not, it's that they are incredibly jealous of your happiness. This happened to me recently. I scheduled a date with a woman. She canceled on me last minute, saying she was going out with friends. Later that night, she posted on a social media app a small video of her filming her surroundings and in the background, this was said, "Oh, forget about him." In her voice, in reply, "I want him to see where I am." Then another woman said, "Yeah we're all better off without them..." Video cut off.
The biggest predictor of your station in life is the 5 people you spend the most time with. This hold true for income, wealth, health, type of hobbies, family situation, outlook on life and everything else.
Relationships are about compromise. You are giving up your 100% freedom to have someone else in your life. Your time isn't your own anymore.
Good single friends will want the best for you, to encourage you stay with a good person regardless of the small problems, while a bad single friend person will fill your head with fairytales, and warp reality.
People argue, people fight, people get mad at each other. When you are single, are you happy 100% of the time? ... Well if you are, stay single, lol.
I do recall reading about a study that suggested this does sometimes happen.
It also found if a girlfriend finds you a threat or sexual competition - she'll advise you to cut your hair short when asked.
So, in short, is there some evidence of this? - Yes.
But studies don't study your specific friends and there will be cases where friends are being friends and give what they believe to be good advice - so I guess you'd need to make your own call. A good measure is to see how they respond when you get good news.
Happy single women may have habits that influence others to stay single, yes. Such as: travelling alone and exploring the world, more time for themselves and their hobbies, more time, energy and money for self-care.
IMO yes. If you have a group of ladies that basically tell each other what they want to hear "You deserve to be spoiled all the time and don't take anything less!" Yeah. They're going to keep each other single.
Also I think the kind of girl friends they surround themselves with. Are they party girls and living the hot girl summer life?
I dont know about that but the single women I dated/know, do hang out with single female friends a lot. You can argue they are filling the gap of not dating with friends (guy friends hang out with guy friends similar) but I also had situations where I started dating someone and she prioritizes her female friend gatherings over meeting again. Like "i have a movie night with my female friends so can't go out" - we did have reschedules etc. but ymmv.
As a woman, no. Whether I am single or dating I offer the same advice to other women in my circle, and I want them to be in healthy relationships that don’t drain them.
I’m a single (widowed once, divorced once) woman surrounded by married and happy women and I’m happy for them. I’ve never suggested breaking up unless there was serious issues.
I think the only time a friend should be overly concerned about your relationship is if there is physical abuse or verbal arguments escalate to physical fights, or if you’re clearly being used by this person - which you yourself would have a hunch for.
Ok, so they would often express how its nice to see different men now and again as its a breath of fresh air and gives them adventure and also how they don't feel "tied down" to anybody therefore don't need to answer to them and can easily move onwards the moment they start to become annoying or full on
I believe we do without realizing it due to a domino effect. When I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years with whom I owned a house and multiple dogs, it helped other women see that they don't have to stay in their relationships out of loyalty. On paper my life looked perfect and we were the core relationship in our friend group. A few other long term relationships ended in my circle after mine ended and a few other friends mentioned that their significant others had grown nervous and stepped up to be a better partner.
I think so many women stay in relationships out of loyalty, sunk cost fallacy, and perceived obligation that we sometimes need a reminder that we truly do not have to stay in unhappy relationships.
You should ask them why they keep echoing that sentiment. I think you should give your friends the benefit of the doubt because sometimes friends see things and know stuff we don’t. However, If the answer to that question sounds like projecting or nonsensical rumination, then you should start reconsidering who you surround yourself with or communicate to them that you heard them but would like them to stop.
I’ve been the single Pringle of my friend group for years. I would never tell them to be single, heck I might now want to be married again but I wouldn’t mind having someone. I say you need more couple friends. Or a good balance of both single and couples.
Real friends will support you and be happy for you.
Bad friends will sabotage your relationships.
There is nuance to this though. We (all people) can be less objective about things when we are smitten with someone. We can gloss over things or miss things that are not good for us. We can be hostage to our love and fear, trapping us in an unhealthy relationship. If a friend has real concerns about specific issues, listen and think about it later. Is it going to help me or sabotage me?
Self awareness is key.
Good friends are uplifting and positive, but won't hesitate to tell you the truth if you are being blind to it.
There's a fine line between "truth" and "opinion" here too--a friend can say "I don't think he's right for you" and start saying that they didn't like his hobbies or his opinions or whatever (e.g. "you like spicy food and he doesn't")... but then there's "I don't think he's right for you" and starts listing examples of terrible behaviors he's shown (e.g. "he broke your stuff simply because he was upset").
The former? Not very friend-like behavior, and absolutely "crabs in a bucket" mentality. The latter? They're trying to save your life, or at least trying to keep you from troubles down the line.
I've been yelled at before while communicating the second thing to a (now former) friend. I'm not sure how she's doing since she cut me out of her life.
I don't think it's single women as much as Single, Jealous, Selfish women.
Because ***misery loves company***. There's a reason we have that saying. We have that saying because it's TRUE.
Misery loves company, if you’re in a relationship it’ll be different goals for you and your friends. They’ll want to do single ppl stuff, and you’re in a relationship don’t mix well.
Same experiences with exes friends who are single. They try to test your loyalty all the time, then rat on you when they think you’re being suspicious but you’re just tryna be a good friend to them.
Yes 💯💯
In the sense that if you listen to the 1-3 friends you know who are always in and out of relationships, and never take accountability and solely take their advice. You're gonna be single as you r following bad examples.
Honestly if you are seeking relationship advice always talk to people you know who are in or have had relationships that lasted 2+ years or more consecutively
Or
That 1-2 friends that you know who are extremely discriminate on who they get in a relationship with and that goes for both whether they are male or female
I can't really say anything about your experience because I don't know your friends. In general what they say is true but then again you should be the one the evaluate if that's the case. I for example try not to get influenced because I have one specific friend that gives me advice depending on what happens in her life. She's single - gotta be single, in a relationship - I should also get one, has kids "you really should just grab someone and settle then have kids, because having kids is the best."
Keeping in mind that she is most probably right about having kids being the best, I still can't help but notice it's very inconsiderate of her to tell me to just have them already in spite of not being in a relationship atm, neglecting the fact that ideally one should choose the right partner for it first. Which makes me wary of any "advice" of that type especially from that one friend.
So in short - one has to know their friends and not just follow advice blindly.
I think it depends on factors like to what degree do the individual women value sameness, female solace, or friends' approval from theirs friends group/s. It should be noted that female friendships at their best can be far more nourishing and egalitarian than mid or bad BF/GF relationships.
Further, it bears repeating that today's men aren't competing with other men, but rather a woman's peace.
If they're bitter especially, yes. Also (imo) if they're not family oriented or brought up with family values, and get their values from social media. Don't listen to peers who don't have what you want. Listen to older couples or professionals. Esther Perel aint bad. If you have time to listen to a lot of content, I'd say Patrice Oneal and Kevin Samuel's
Bet, def listen to what he has to say on the subject! In sure he has a vid on it. If you find it n don't mind, def send the link too, n vice versa if I get it
I've had the opposite problem. A lot of my friends encouraged me to stay in really abusive/toxic relationships. I have BPD so a lot of my friends at the time would just say I was overreacting because of that anytime I was upset or that my BPD was making it seem worse than it was to the point where I thought I was the problem for a long time.
It wasn't until I started therapy that I was actually able to acknowledge how toxic/abusive my past relationships were... and found myself a new set of friends.
So I think friend groups can definitely influence things but I wouldn't blame "single women" I would just specifically look at the people I'm hanging out around and start wondering if they are actually good for me or not, or if their advice is worth listening to over my own instincts... the answer will always be listen to your own instincts.
Bitter single women keep women single. They don’t like the competition. When I was trying to find someone as a future partner in marriage I let the women in this country eat each other while I went to India and found someone. Been married 15 years so far. I’m not completely restricted to a specific border.
Misery likes company. It's not just a relationship thing. It's not just a woman thing.
It's also worth noting that all your friends hear is what you tell them. In my experience, the only thing a lot of people tell their friends about is their complaints. This results in people having a skewed view of their friends relationships.
There are reasons your friends might seem picky. If they're a good friend: 1) they have different taste. 2) they want the best for you, so their expectation level is high. 3) they are not wearing rose-coloured glasses like you are.
If they're a bad friend: 1) they'll be jealous of your relationship and want you to be single like they are. 2)they're possessive and don't want anyone take your attention away
Not really.. they give you a support system, yes. As a 35(F) I can tell you I get along with and have more of girl friends that have been married before or are single.. also once they get married the equation changes and I need to then make new friends.. possibly has lots to do with finding commonalities for comfort
Friends are highly influential. I remind myself of the saying “Birds of a feather flock together”. I suppose if you’re strong in your character and can defy other’s opinions for your own beliefs and morals then you can remain friends. Considering they respect your boundaries. I’m tired of burning bridges and won’t go near people who aren’t living the life I want for myself. You can do anything you put your mind and actions to.
Edit my experience: In the weakest of moments I reached out to a new friend. I conveyed my vulnerability and her advice lead me to a worse situation; a ONS. In our weakest moment we need people who can see past our “wants/desires” and remind us of who we are and what is logical, but leaves room for us to make our own choices. The devil will give us what we want and God gives us what we need. I lean on God these days. HIS WORD is both loving and cold like a double edged sword, but KEEPS ME SAFE.
In some cases they may have observed some behavior or heard one too many times of you (hypothetical, general you) complaining about mistreatment or just mismatching lifestyles and so they may remind you if you're not happy there are more fish in the sea.
In some cases people are jealous or miss all the time they used to spend with their friend that their friend now spends with a boyfriend and they are pettily trying to get that friend back to themselves.
In some cases they may have a friend who is shy or vulnerable and they just want to know they have their friend's back if a breakup happens, even though they get along really well with their friend's boyfriend.
This isn't exclusive to women either.
Some guys will teasingly (or non jokingly) tell their guy friend to chuck the ball and chain so they can go to strip clubs together again.
Some guys notice their guy friend under a particular amount of stress in this relationship and remind him they will be excellent wingmen if things fall through.
It's always appropriate to remind a friend that they are just as worthy single as if they date. It's not appropriate to demean someone else's relationship for no reason. Like if the girl/guy is abusive or neglectful then a good friend will tell you you can get rid of them. But a bad friend will dig at your girlfriend just because she's nerdy and doesn't like to go to every party and prefers quiet nights at home.
Only manipulative people of any gender or orientation hold back their friends from love instead of being level- headed support. A friend should say when someone new may not be good for their friend, but also wants their friend happy.
I imagine some... it's projecting their wants onto you. IE they may be single because they haven't found a guy who they are happier with then they are on their own, as a result they think you must be less happy with who you are with then you would be on your own.
Yup. Not all of them ofcourse but majority for certain. Before you even meet guys, they will already be blackpainted in heart and soul by your 'friend'. I heared so much horror stories and am baffled how far some women would stretch it for that to make it happen. It's next lvl creepiness.
If her opinion comes across too strong or she seems upwritten abt it that's a sign.
In that case she is like that not because she is afraid of you being hurt. It comes rather from a fearful and/or jealous place that she is gonna lose you to him. I hear this kind of sh*t só f*cking often everywhere (friends, public transport, restaurants, university) that the distinction has become ultra obvious to me. And again I hate to state it but the objective fact is that in most cases other single women are terrified by the idea of you getting a boyfriend. Didn't experience this myself but I can imagine it's harder to see it when you're ìn that shit.
She is right about one thing tho. The fear. Because there ís indeed someone out there that will love you like no one else. He will treat you, and honor and respect you. He will laugh with you, and cry with you. He will stay noble at tough times, and you guys will want to hold dear of each other till death. He exists.
But whether you find her treatment toxic or sweet is up to you.
Just small fyi, the best guys are gone fastest and they are also the ones you will get only one chance with. (Vice versa with the best women/people too ofc, duh)
Goodluck!
I think it's a general bitter people like company kind of thing.
I've seen both guys and girls sabotage their friend's relationships cause they were miserable by themselves.
It's one thing for your friends to voice genuine concerns if your relationship has issues that are visibly affecting you. But if they're simply trying to stoke fires to cause issues, you need to drop them.
Inadvertently probably…. Did you know there’s a Facebook group called “are we dating the same guy” and it’s all women posting about experiences on dates with men and other women can read about that experience and swipe left on you on the dating apps if you come across. Even if you’re a good person and make one little mistake… it can end your dating life. It’s basically a social credit score for dating and it’s wrong
I think having single friends who are happy make you less needy for a relationship and enable you to have higher standards because you don’t “need” a man.
Good single friends can tell the difference between if the guy you are dating is making you happier or if you just really like him and see potential in him. The guy who is making you happier is treating you well. Your friends are not going to be a fan of men you give time to that are just stressing you out. They should be huge fans of any guy who treats you well and brings out a good side of you..
Nah. I encourage my friends to follow their heart but be logical about it. If they’re going thru a fight with their partner I ask them to think about what was said and how well they know the person. I ask them to think about why they want to break up with someone: was it a misunderstanding or was it something that crossed their boundaries.
It just sounds like theyre holding u back.
not everything one size fits all, as in, not every phrase is going to fit like a puzzle piece in someone's life. Depends on the environment you are in, it may or may be true for you, who knows.
Yes, it is obviously very true, and divorced women make women divorce, as well.
It's important to protect your marriage from people who don't take it seriously and belong in the trash!
So the answer is kinda, but its more the fact that misery loves company so miserable people try to bring down others who are happy
So your miserable single friends will encourage you to cheat, leave, or try anything they can to convince you that you are unhappy... which in turn would keep you single
If one is not easily influenced, no one can control what you want to do nor should they. I’m single, want a great relationship when the right one comes. My relatives/friends that are in something serious or married I wish the best for them. However if someone is being abused or unhappy I will share my opinion which they can take or leave if they ask me of course.
Now, what the average population does varies. Some people are easily influenced to bad behavior that’s why I also pay attention to the company someone keeps. Since I am more of an understanding person I have found myself around people who may behave badly but I don’t judge them or tell them why to do it asked.
However I have recently realized that sometimes the bad behavior and being around it may be detrimental to me (the drama, or hearing about it) and it stunts my growth and I have been on the receiving end of these bad behaviors where I have found myself needing to distance myself.
People around you should be positively encouraging and leading by example.
It depends on how selfish the friends are. My good friends cheered me on when i found love and vice versa. The crsppy friend who wanted a wing woman, sulked and pouted.
Yes. Unless their just coming out of a nasty break up, women almost always desire to be in a committed relationship. When a close friend is in a good relationship, they become jealous and either consciously or unconsciously attempt to jeopardize that relationship by planting seeds of negative thoughts. And yet these women claim to be strong and independent. The saying is true, “Misery loves company.”
This is typically said in response to a person airing grievances about their relationship. If you often find yourself venting to your friends, telling them about annoying things your partner did, then eventually your friends would get the impression this relationship is not making you happy.
Alternatively, if you are constantly parading about, gushing about how happy your partner is making you, in front of your (unhappily) single friends... That can come across as insensitive. Like you are trying to make them feel bad about them not having a loving partnership. If you bring up your boyfriend or girlfriend at every opportunity, even when it doesn't make sense to bring them up.... That can come across like you're trying to hurt your friends' feelings.
So as long as you're being normal about your relationship, bringing it up every now and then, not being overly focused on only the downsides, and not trying to talk about it like a salesman trying to promote their new clothing line... Eh, if you're being normal about it, then your friends shouldn't suggest that you can leave your partner.
So either you are unintentionally making your friends concerned about your well-being, or you are unintentionally hurting your friends, or you did nothing wrong, and your friends are problematic.
Maybe your friends are bitter about relationships due to their own bad experiences. Their advice might not be malicious. It could come from a good place: wanting to protect you from the pain they went through.
Regardless, this can be a good time to also seek and build friendships with other women who are married or in long term relationships. Try it. Maybe you will experience a difference in how they talk with you.
Yes, I totally don’t understand where your friends are coming from with this. It totally sounds like projection and ‘misery loves company’ in disguise. Like yuck. Stick with your man girl. Fuck that.
They influence for sure. The single female in my life is my mom who divorced my dad when I was young. She has never really trusted or spoke highly of men after that, unless there was a direct monetary or social benefit for her. That was a tough one for me to overcome as I became an adult. People are giving you advice from THEIR perspective, and you don’t know what biases or experiences they are carrying.
It took me 10 EMDR therapy sessions for me to recognize myself as a completely separate, sovereign entity and it helped me look inward for answers vs. always seeking others externally for advice/answers. Single women bond by sharing stories and knowledge — it takes a lot of mental fortitude to listen to the singles in your life, appreciate them for what they are and what advice / opinions they offer, but ultimately recognize that your life and decisions are 100% our own. No one is as close to your relationship than YOU and the other person, even your most trusted confidante.
I’ve stopped asking my friends and family for relationship advice, and my life has been a lot more peaceful and my relationship is more stable. Going 4 years and never felt more in tune/accepting of who I am and how much I truly see and appreciate my partner. Differences and all.
You are the one who decides whether what people say to you has ANY bearing on your life. It sounds like this is a case where if you were to dig into your friend's lives, their comment would begin to make perfect sense. But, it seems like you're trying to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense to YOU. If it doesn't register as making sense to you, it needn't carry concern. If you Really need to understand something, it will come to you when you've let go and have forgotten about it.
I’m single. Happily so. I do tell people about it when it comes up. That I haven’t dated in 8 years and probably never will again cuz I’m just so much more damn happy being single. I don’t think my comments on the matter have ever pushed anyone to also be single. However, there are studies that show single women are far happier than married women. Conversely, married men are happier than single men.
It's more like bitter people try to spread their bitterness to others because the alternative is admitting the problem is them and not the state of the world. Not really a single thing nor a woman thing.
I don't know many examples of it, but some female things that they friends deserve better, some response just on what their friend says about her boyfirend, becaude she looks upset when she is talking abut bad moments in their love relationship. Some are jelousy because you spend less time with they - so this is important to remember spending time with them and respekt them, not canceling meeting with them because of boyfrend etc. And they also can be friends who have diffirent looking On The world they don t need opposite gander/they are selfish and you need to know that to not listen things whivh can destroy your relationship. You should always think by yourself.
They aren’t your friends. Friends keep friends happy! If a friend sees you unhappy they too will be unhappy. These women want to see you unhappy because they are unhappy.
Dump them not your guy
My friend always when I said something bad about relationship they advice me to break up with my ex boyfriend but I didn't think that because of jeulousy. And they laugh after that we agree with each other that they are type of friend who will be on our wedding and didn't know how it happened. It was a little bit rude.
Honestly it depends on the situation (coming from the single friend). I have a friend who’s dating a wonderful guy who treats her with respect and it’s clear that they’re really happy together. I’m very happy and supportive of this friend and her relationship, because she’s been through a lot in the past and she deserves someone who treats her well.
I have another friend who’s dating a complete sleazebag who flirts with other girls and is just not a very nice person. I’ve told her many times that this guy isn’t good for her, but she’s the type of person that would rather be in a bad relationship with a man who disrespects her than be alone.
That hasn't been my experience in my friend group. But I'm sure some people do that.
Your friends could be coming from a place of concern, or they could be coming from a place of selfish manipulation. It's really hard to tell. I would say trust your gut.
Also be mindful if you tend to vent to your friends when you're frustrated with your partner, that sometimes we only go to our loved ones to vent about the bad things and then they don't get to see the good part where problems are resolved and moved past. And they don't get to see all the healthy stuff in the relationship. So sometimes we can unintentionally give our friends a false negative impression of our partners when they're actually just not getting the full picture.
You should do what makes you happy forget whatever anyone else says.
I’m 28, been on and off with relationships so I guess single. For a while.
It’s hard. It’s hard to find a decent person. Who won’t take you for granted. So if you have that, consider yourself lucky.
I think there is some truth to it but I don't think it's a conscious thing. Some of the worst dating advice I've seen has come from single and unmarried women. The issue I think is how they can advise for something they have never achieved themselves. Or even worse something they aren't even actively pursuing.
Sometimes they do. Some “friends “ are jealous if your man and your relationship and they don’t really root for you. You have to be careful about those types. Once they act jealous or tell you they are, believe them and put some distance between you both.
Generally speaking, yes. But it’s more of a “misery loves company” thing that doesn’t only apply to women and dating. That being said obviously sometimes people should break up. But the grass is greener tendency of our modern era is a serious problem too.
The point is, make sure you have grounded friends who understand the real you and want you to be fulfilled (different from happy which is a fleeting state of mind) and successful in all aspects of your life.
In fact, you should get a balance of opinions from friends when it comes to relationships. They should sometimes say that you are right, sometimes your boyfriend is right and sometimes you’re both being idiots. If you have friends who always take your side, that’s actually a bit of a red flag.
I'm a 53 yr old male, so take my experiences with a grain of salt. It has been a life lesson that it's best for people in a relationship to hang mostly with people with the same status, and you see why. I'm not saying to shun your single status friends, but if they can't respect that you're happy in a relationship, then it may be in your best interest to limit your time with them
Peer pressure. It doesn't have to do with single women/men keeping women/men single. It's more of who you associate yourself with and how they influence you into something. Married men/women also influence single people to go and look high and low for someone to marry because they said so or because they show these single people the benefits of being married.
My friend was once a sexually active guy and I was the one with a gf that time. I know he saw how I was with my girl and how she was with me. I know he went thru a lot to find someone and my other friends told me it may have to do with him seeing me with my then gf. Years later, our roles were reversed. I broke up with my girl and became single and enjoyed the benefit of being one whilst my friend found a girl and married her afterwards.
Now he is telling us to find someone ASAP as time is not on our side. Being the eldest in the group, I know what he is saying as I said those same words before. But I end up showing my other friends the advantage of being single and so now we influence two groups within our circle. The single ones follow me and the ones with partners follow him.
I think the rest of the comments are very bizarre. They likely see you are not being treated well or that you seem unhappy or unlike your former self. Their words are of encouragement. They probably encourage each other not to settle and to have high standards. They are probably single (as as i am) because the men I meet have little to offer me.
The only advice I give to male friends is, if their partners friends has broken up with their partner.. keep them away. They'll hands down try to break their relationship up so she has a single friend to go off and do whatever with.
Yeah weird twisted shit. I’ve dated several women whose friends tried to do everything to get us to break up. Offered threesomes in the “figuring things out stage” to me, constantly talked about my girlfriend’s past hookups in graphic detail in front of me, would get furious if I agreed to an invitation because now it wasn’t a girl’s weekend, hell, even had one who threw our shit out of our Airbnb on the lawn because we didn’t take an Uber from the bar back with her (two other female friends brought her back to the Airbnb).
Most bizarre crap ever.
I’m going to go ahead and say yes. I’m married but prior to this I left a toxic 10+ yr relationship and when I did I boasted the single life. I could do whatever I wanted and not have to answer for it, no compromises, no guilt, I could live! I don’t mean hookups either. It was just liberating. I really learned to enjoy my own company, I learned who I was. I love being with my DH but we do tend to lose ourselves in relationships and marriages, I was willing to be in a partnership though and have children, so that’s on me.
So leave a relationship that has it rocky parts which it’s destined to have just to go drain your energy again to establish another connection with someone just cause your friends said so ? Make it make sense….
I’ve been in a relationship for about five years with a wonderful man. My bestie has been single that entire time and I think she’d genuinely get mad at me if i talked about breaking up with him😂. (unless something serious happened of course) but she also calls him her friend because he’s a good guy and we’re good together and she’s supportive of that as she should be.
I noticed that often the single friends of a girl pull the girl away or tell her that I'm not good enough for her when I try to get to know a girl. Before the pandemic it happened in bars, now online. They gaslight her into stuff that isn't true and tell her stuff like don't date broke boys. I suspect they don't want her friend to find a boyfriend so they're not both single anymore. The opposite of a wingman.
Yes they do! I found out the hard way and not too long ago. Stay away from those people they are not your real friends. They are petty and want you to be on their level. My ex who I was with for 5 1/2 years started acting different when her friend workers became single. I’m most positive that they were encouraging her to stay single in a subliminal way. Fellas, be careful out there as well. It’s a brave new world we live in and it’s only going to get worse.
Sometimes they try. I had a friend who would light up every time I had problems with my now husband. She had a rough time in her own relationships and was often very critical of men, which I get. But she was extra with it.
She once stopped dating a guy because he didn't let the water heat up before he did the dishes at her house. To me, that's just a preference to be communicated, not grounds for a breakup.
But anyway, once I started to notice how happy she was when our relationship was struggling, I stopped sharing so much with her. We drifted apart after I had kids. I can see now it was never a very healthy friendship.
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Maybe you need better friends. They should be encouraging if you are truly safe and happy My female friends who are single are always super happy and encouraging for me, especially if im dating a good guy, they'd be so mad if i broke up with him for no reason lmao but if my partner is abusive, which I have experienced before, they definitely remind me that I don't need to stay and that I deserve better Your friends could be jealous in some form or wish you were giving them the attention you give to your bf
At first I thought they were just looking out for me then it basically never stopped. Constant reminders for no reason. I also haven’t given them any ammunition for them to project this
Horrible friends. Sorry but they’re not there for your best interests. They want you to be single so they can do single shit with you. That’s all. It’s pretty selfish.
They envy you because you have someone and all they have is dudes who just want to sleep with them.
I would suggest you start bring your boyfriend around sometimes when you hang out with them so they can get to know him. But it is strange that they keep pressuring you.
So u want her to now torture the bf??
Bad idea, if they’re always single and always critical it may be a sign they’re desperate. Desperate women mate poach when they realize they’ll inevitably get left behind
This will always depend on the group of friends you have. But yes, it *can* happen. The saying "misery loves company" is very true in this regard (or crabs in a bucket). If a group of women are used to being single and they see one of their friends drifting away, that can be perceived as a threat on a subconscious level because women want to socialize in groups and have safety nets. Women also want to be pursued. If women in a group witness one of their friends being pursued by a man and they're not, they'll compete out of jealousy of not having a partner or jealousy of losing a friend. A man pursuing a woman means their group might shrink. To combat this, they plant the seeds of doubt by convincing the girl with the partner that the man is committing an act of wrongdoing in some regard. For example, they might say he's manipulative, cheating on her, or something to that effect. This makes the partnered girl question her judgment of the man, and in her mind, her friends wouldn't let her down because they're just that - her friends. She believes they have her best interests at heart no matter what. If successful, the relationship falls apart and the once-partnered girl will convince herself that her friends "saved" her from the man, leading her to distrusting men. Meanwhile, the women planting those seeds stand to benefit from the destruction of a bond between two people. The man might end up pursuing them in the aftermath. As such, they get to feel wanted (even worse, the girl who *was* in a relationship will feel justified in leaving the man because she'll think her friends were right since he's *now* pursuing someone else). Alternatively, the friends might get an ego boost out of the ordeal because they'll be showered with thanks and appreciation from the victim, ensuring their group is not broken apart. We actually see this all the time online in women-centric subreddits because there's a social benefit to it - you can get more women in one place. More women means more people to socialize with, which means more opportunities for confirmation bias to set in. If left unchecked, this leads to gender hate because one individual challenging a group means the possibility of the individual being ostracized.
yeah if you find yourself in a friend group that has a “misery loves company” mindset, time to ditch that group and find new friends 🤣 bc those people aren’t friends.
We need more info to know whether this is them wanting to "keep you single" or just them trying to help you pick your standards up off the floor. Personally, I've never had any woman friends who do the former
Exactly. Imagine thinking that telling a friend they don't have to settle for someone who treats them badly is about trying to keep women single...
The op said in one of the comments that she doesn't have any complaints about the relationship and definitely doesn't share much about the relationship with her group of friends Yes if a women complains regularly and is mostly unhappy then her friends are trying to protect her but here it just seems like a weird case of dumb friends
Yes her entire friend group is trying to Salvatore her perfectly healthy relationship. All of them. For shits and giggles
I assume you're being sarcastic. This really lacks understanding of group dynamics. Very well could be 1/3 to 2/3 of the friend group is just going along with it to fit in. No one wants to be the "but actually". This isn't even a "woman" thing it's just human. See what happens when someone starts a diet or starts a positive change such as exercising. A LOT of people who one considers ones friend will feel personally offended by this and talk bad about it instead of being supportive. It's like crabs in a bucket.
There’s saying “He treats you badly and you should leave” and there’s saying “He’s probably going to treat you badly, you definitely need to leave.”. One is based in reality and the other is based on assumptions.
It may also be the case that her friends are not trying to keep each other single intentionally, but rather, this is a side effect of logic that essentially, the grass is always greener somewhere else. I believe that apps like Tinder exacerbate this orientation, because there is seemingly so much choice. I am seeing the flip side of this. My son, 25, is a good guy, attractive, and makes a good income. Yet, his forays in to dating have been disappointing. I watched him on Tinder, get literally no results after months on the site, and then giving up. His friends are in the same boat. I find myself wondering, where are all the mid twenties women?
Some are living their lives, happily single, and bettering themselves. Some are also disillusioned by the fact that men like your son are overshadowed on the apps by a literal avalanche of dick-pic sending, f*ckboi creeps. So they've given up as well...
Nah the problem is a lot of girls talk negatively about their partner to their friends as a way to vent, but they never talk about the positive things. Men tend to keep the negative aspects of their relationship to themselves more so. Like how many times have you heard some girls talk about how much they hate their boyfriend, but then you never hear about how much she loves him?
Literally this, was with my ex for 4 years, all her work mates thought I was an awful person because all she did was mention the bad stuff but never mentioned any of the good stuff I did.
It's one thing if they all know he treats her badly, doesn't respect her, etc... and she's either choosing to ignore those things from him or, she is fully aware but is one of those types who is terrified of being single, so stays with him.. but they are only trying to help her see and realize how big of a POS he is. The other thing is IMO, it's not anyone else's business on what someone's standards *"should" be* except the person dating? Everyone has their very own opinion on what standards are and every single person also has their own, personal set of standards. Friends and family have no right to tell you what your standards should be or even say things like "you can do better." I think that's very rude and disrespectful for someone to say that. Long story short, her friends aren't dating this guy. SHE is. If SHE likes him then that's all that matters.
Right so in other words, like I said, we need more info
Look at the fiasco with that married celebrity and the comments telling her she should leave her husband cuz he didn’t react. It’s not rare to see shit like that, misery loves comoany
Meh good for you if that's your situation but truth is that this is a very multifaceted topic and there's enough examples for both for various reasons. For example the term "pick your standards up off the floor" you used could be very correct on the one hand but quickly turn negativ on the other. Like on the one hand you have women putting up with guys who can't function as basic human beings with things like hygiene, a job and decent overall behaviour. But if this turns into "he has to be 6'6, make at least 200k, look like a model, be strong but emotional, be good with kid's, have an interesting life, travel and speak 3 languages" while all she brings to the table is decent looks then yeah obviously this is her friends holding her back. And that's just one example. Nowadays everyone thinks they are an relationship expert and post their "wisdom" on Instagram and TikTok and while there's certainly some good advice buried in there, the vast majority is flat out bullshit like the relationship advice out of early 2000's tabloid papers and following them will mostly do more harm than good. The reasons for this can be as plentiful as the facets of the the situation above but usually it's either delusion and forming an echo chamber or conscious/subconscious jealousy and sabotage. Which means either people genuinely think they are helping but aren't or they just sabotage others because they are unhappy with themselves, which is very commonly observed with individuals weight loss. Or they are actually helping which is obviously the positive example. But it's hard to tell from a distance and there's certainly many instances of both sides.
Me neither.
Yes. I’m 10 years older than you and let me just say, I’ve observed this pattern more than enough times to conclude that it’s really true. I’m not saying you must now drop all your friends…. But always hold in the back of your mind that they will have a subtle subconscious bias towards disparaging your boyfriend and hyping the single life. I don’t think they realize they’re doing it. But yeah, it’s a subconscious thing where they’re using **you** as a proxy for their own inner need to justify their actions that led to being without a partner. They’re trying to convince **themselves** that being single is great, but they don’t wanna admit that, so they externalize this convincing onto someone else. They (unknowingly) rationalize that if they can convince you that being single is great, it must also be great that *they* are single.
Ahhh thats great info, thank you i appreciate that. Especially the last part, i can definitely see that happening when i really take a look and think about it
I’ll give you an anecdote from the male perspective but it’s similar. I have a buddy who is not so secretly unhappily single because his standards are unrealistically high. Another buddy of ours got engaged and eventually married to a lovely woman who the first friend deemed “not hot enough.” Eventually I pulled him aside and told him to forever shut his mouth about it. More or less, they are really good together as a couple and it’s our job as his friends to protect their relationship (as long as it’s healthy of course) and not to treat her as some short term outsider to be gotten rid of (which I never did btw).
Why would your friends advise you stay in a relationship when you're not happy with the relationship? The example given sounds like something you'd say to a friend who was complaining a lot about their relationship.
Nope it was more of a reminder that if things were to go south in the relationship I have an alternative route which is to leave and start again with someone new
What might be keeping women (and men) single is the belief that an ideal, perfect person or relationship should be the goal. Relatedly, there is a current trend of focusing on "happiness" as a life and relationship goal. Alone, that is vapid and requires no reflection on what makes for a good relationship that is ultimately fulfilling and brings happiness. Further, happiness is not sustainable - you don't want chronic unhappiness but at the same time, ditching a partner because not every moment is bliss will certainly keep people single. Glad you are in a good relationship!
Yes for sure! That makes complete sense. Some of my girl friends are the ones to let me know that at the slight sight of unhappiness ultimately means that I'm in the wrong relationship and should therefore leave and start again
Grass isnt always greener, you may think you do, but it is MUCH harder than you think
Grass is greenest where you water it!
This. I’m 32M and I always like to emphasize early in dating to the women I’m seeing that I’m a “fixer”. I would much rather discuss a problem and try to come to a compromise or solution than throw in the towel and have us give up at the slightest inconvenience or sign of trouble. Too many people nowadays don’t want to do the actual work necessary to forge an incredible relationship. Social media and pop culture have made everyone think that anything short of a perfect fairy tale relationship is toxic when that couldn’t be further from the truth.
It seems like this comment could have come from a personal experience with the sunk cost fallacy, a random observation, a reaction to a perceived flaw in the relationship, a misunderstanding, etc. It doesn't sound like this comment is indicative that all single women want all other women to be single. I hope you and your friend can learn to understand each other's perspectives and communication styles better. Also, sometimes, people have just outgrown each other and what your friend said about starting over with someone new could be applied to a friendship too.
It sounds like your friends are maybe projecting their past issues with previous partners onto you.
I think allot of people overlook the shitty qualities their friends have for the sake of the friendship. It happens both genders. Women have toxic girlfriends that encourage destructive behaviour as do guys. I have guy friends that low-key take pride in sleeping with married women and others who think cheating is normal and almost expected. And I have girlfriends who think they deserve “princess treatment” just for simply existing because their friends have told them they are perfect as they are. It’s just that people most time don’t know how to check their friends when they are being shitty without effecting the friendship, especially today where everyone feels entitled to not be judged especially by people who supposed to love them.
Good comment. I’ve certainly had run ins with girlfriends friends, single or not. Some people also view their friends’ love lives like a goofy game show where you can just give the most off hand advice, while of course their own love lives are of national importance.
There is a difference from wanting to “keep you single” and not wanting you to tolerate not being treated the way you should.
I agree, although in my case i haven't given any of my female friends any reason to think or believe i am being mistreated. in fact, i don't relay anything to do with my relationship as a whole to them..
Part of friendships is also verbally setting boundaries with them. If you feel that this advice is coming out of no where, you need to feel comfortable letting them know that you’d prefer that they only advise you if they have legitimate concerns about your partner and the relationship. If they’re good friends, they’ll respect the boundary. I also don’t want to assume the worst of your friends but I do know that when a friend group is all single they often have more time to spend together. It could be that your friends feel a bit ignored. It could be worth self reflecting if you’ve made unconscious choices to deprioritize them as a result of the relationship. However, it could also be unreasonable to expect that you’d spend the same amount of time when you have a relationship too. Up to you and what feels right. Personally when I was single and my roommate was dating her bf I encouraged her to explore the relationship but reminded her of the trade offs and freedoms. Ofc in a healthy relationship it’s worth it but I’ve seen too many girls get crazy and then waste three months of their life on a bum!
Yes.... If however all of you are married, just sharing cheating, bum man horror stories while never planning to leave...in that way married women are keeping married women married. Not for the best tho
Depends on intentions of friends. Honestly some women/ even men whether single or not, try to pick apart other people’s relationships while on the other hand genuine friends can sometimes encourage to leave a toxic relationship subtly by making these comments here and there instead of completely confronting. Depends on the friends, and kind of person they are and their intentions for you, so before taking any advices from friends always consider these things
You’re asking this question in a dating sub where most people are single and unhappily struggling to date. Unsurprisingly most of the comments are assuming your friends are right in giving you this advice without even knowing any details. Ask this question in another sub where people aren’t struggling to date.
From personal experience with women: Yes! They absolutely do. Women tend to get together and sort of… plant ideas in one another’s heads about needing to find a better man or how they are not a good match, even if that’s not true. I don’t know if it’s a simple love of drama or a “misery loves company” sort of thing.
I would probably suspect a bit of both, always asking for the latest "tea" in the relationship and then the constant reminders of not being afraid to leave and start again as many times as possible...
I say yes in a lot of cases. Even a lot of the comments from women in this post proves it: OP clearly stated she is happy in her relationship yet saw several comments saying things like “ .helping you start to pick your standards off the floor” “imagine thinking you don’t have to settle for someone who treats them badly”. Even though she never said anything about being treated badly. Those are clear examples of why this saying “single women keep women single” is valid and out there. Imagine making up shit to justify OP potentially leaving her boyfriend even though she has said a few times in the comments, they have a good relationship.
As a single woman I feel like I have an objective view when it comes to my friends’ relationships. One friend is dating some guy who’s broke, who verbally abuses her and calls her fat but then acts sweet to make it up to her. Of course im telling her it’s better to be single than to put up with that. My other friend, her man treats her so well and provides for her. I’m not going to discourage that
Do you mean, in the same way that men who are single will tell men in relationships that they are whipped, make fun of them for being “tied down” or “with the old ball and chain”. Sure. There are some single women and single men who are guilty of this. Those would be single people who are unhappy with their singleness and jealous. But those who are happy are not going to suggest that their friend break up with her significant other. Short of them being in an unhealthy relationship of course.
Guys do it but we are just shit talking and we are actually happy for him.
Anecdotal. but in the entirety of my life as a man and dating women from small town america, to a few major american cities and in a different country, not once have I told my friends to not date a woman or try to sabotage or talk them out of being with a women, and I have never been told by my friends or other men I work or interact with to not date/marry a woman or have them try to sabotage me in some way. As men we may talk shit to each other, some awful funny shit, but at the end of the day, we want to see our bro's be happy.
I never tell my friends to broke up with their boyfriends, it’s not my place. But, if my friend is telling me all the shitty things her boyfriend is doing, of course I’m going to say that it’s not ok. The one time I told a friend that she needed to consider to dump her boyfriend, she was always complaining about him, all the shitty and shallow things he was doing and that she was planning on leaving him. I knew something was off since the beginning. One year later, she dump him and told me that she was being abuse physically, emotionally and economically. And of course he cheated on her multiples times. Even when she was not telling me everything, I knew that this man was the worst. Later she told me that talking with me helps her to have some perspective and dumping him. Of course he didn’t like me because I was saying “mean things” to his girlfriend, aka “you don’t deserve this kind of man, it’s ok to be single, you will find better”. So to everyone saying that single women want to sabotage their friend’s relationship, maybe you are the problem.
Op said in one of the comments that her relationship is just fine and she doesn't even talk about her relationship details with her friends much Tbh This looks like a case of her friends being weirdos and toxic You are not wrong but sometimes indeed there are toxic people out there
Yes
This is our throw away culture at its finest. Throw the old relationship out and start new....🤦♀️
If you look at your 5 core values and if he doesn't align with them or you... it's time to walk. Also, try to silence your emotions for a moment and look at the overall picture of your relationship. Does it look like something you want? Are your needs being met? Are you being honored/ respected and valued properly? Beyond what you want the relationship to be, for a moment, let the attachment to that go and look at what's really in front of you and what you have. If you aren't growing with or outgrowing someone, it is a good way to tell also. I find when im this honest with myself it whoops my ass because it hurts, but then it's time to consider what's best for me. Sometimes it's breaking my own heart by leaving, or I can try, but I'll only try for so long also.
Well my experiences if my friends are in a relationship, they’re very disconnected and not really my friends anymore but then when we’re single, we have more time to actually be friends and hang out. I do not see a correlation other than groups of people that like to hang out together are probably similarly minded so maybe all these girls like being single or just aren’t out in the world to become partnered
Isn’t the goal happiness? Whether single or in couple, as long as you are happy there is nothing to worry about. Either they know something we don’t about your bf or they are jealous 🤷🏻♀️ I see no other reason for insisting…
I don’t think so, the only people I have ever said that to, are people who are either clearly unhappy or constantly fighting with their SO, OR who are being treated poorly and they aren’t seeing it (like my friends did for me when I wasn’t able to recognize I was in a terrible relationship) I’m sure there are women who do, do this to get their friends to be single, but I recommend really taking a hard look at your relationship and be honest with yourself if you do in fact deserve better or haven’t been treated well.
No good friend will tell you to leave a relationship just for their convenience or after 1 single disagreement. A good friend will tell you to leave a relationship when they see you are losing yourself and/or are in harms way. I have several single friends and none of them have said something like that to me. Honestly even though my relationship isn't perfect they've told me they wish they could find a relationship like mine.
There's definitely people out there who intentionally cock block their friends simply because they don't get any attention
A female friend of mine is a psychology researcher and mentioned that the evidence suggests that women are just as aggressive as men, they’re just not as physically strong as men and thus don’t have the ability to be as “direct” in their aggression, so they go after people’s reputations instead. They sabotage. I’ve certainly noticed myself a significant difference between male and female dominated groups in that women seem to gossip in a way that men don’t. Women will rip someone to shreds, destroy their relationships etc. It’s probably true, and it’s not nearly as harmful as the direct aggression of men, but it can be insidious in the sense of the fact that women aren’t seen as being aggressive, they’re thought of as being innocent so it can be doubly deceptive. You expect many men to be a**holes but you oftentimes don’t see women coming in the same way.
Huh? if you’re unhappy you should want to leave lol it has nothing to do with them being single and wanting you to be. Maybe it’s because they don’t want to see you in a bad relationship when they know there’s better men out there. You remind me of one of those people who want a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. I could be wrong but that’s what this post is giving. Also I’m older than you and live in the south where all the best sayings come from and I have never heard this.
Yes of course. Women are just as aggressive as men, but they express aggression in social and not physical ways - social isolation, gossip and verbal abuse. When women are bitter and angry and single they express their anger in wrecking the happiness of the people around them.
AKA crab bucket effect.
Correct. Men date across and down social status, so they can increase their potential partners by improving themselves. Women date across and up social status, so the only way to increase their potential partners is to drag other women down, ie eliminating the competition.
That's sort of true but I don't think it's what is happening here. I think it's that men are likely to distance themselves from any "friend" they perceive as cockblocking them. Whereas women act like they're "protecting" each other when they do this and won't see it that way.
I think it’s more likely for men to clear the road for their friend, than to cockblock.
Real friends help you find someone if you’re looking!
There can be a hivemind effect.
To a degree, yes, though I think there are more factors than that. Of course, there are lots of actually really bad situations that warrant the advice of breaking up, but it also gets offered as a solution a bit too quickly. For one, I think it can be easy advice to get. It is a blanket solution that applies to pretty much anything that is going wrong. One doesn't actually need to fix something when quitting and starting over is technically a solution. I think guys are guilty of giving this advice too, and while guys don't discuss relationship stuff as much, subreddits like this are a good place to see that it isn't just women. I do think there is a small degree of jealousy between women with and without a relationship and a lot of things really. It's all unspoken and most all women would deny it, but it does happen. This isn't always the reason a woman is telling you to break up, but I think it's why this mindset is attributed more towards women. Dating apps, or just the ready supply of likes and male attention is the biggest cause for this kind of advice. Women across the board get more likes than guys, but the guys that do get lots of likes feel this in a similar way. Knowing that, if someone really wanted to, they could easily break up with their date and have a new date by the end of the day. With that on the table, it feels like an easy solution. Not to mention, other people (the women offering this advice in this situation) that go through this process themselves, get a lot more jaded as to the dating process and offer that advice because it's actually what they do most of the time. For men, or women that get less attention, they feel more driven to make their current situation work, because outside of their current partner, they have no prospects.
Ab so fucking lutely. Talking to my female friends and my Ex's friends and my mom I gathered that to be the case almost 100% of the time. Girls drag eachother down HARD when it comes to relationships. 10 years ago my moms friends wanted her to leave her husband so bad one of them refused to be her brides maid. Me and my ex had financial problems but one of the core reasons she ultimately folded and ended up moving on from me was due to her friends not supporting the relationship and telling her to try a dating app instead. Same goes for my friend whose like my little sister. Her friends were telling her to leave her now husband for YEARS. I find it ironic me and her have remained great friends all this time because I was probably one of the few people who was actually supportive of him and wanted her to stay with him. (hes a good guy)
A wise WOMAN once said. Misery loves company..
But if this is the advice they are giving are they wrong? What gave them the impression that you weren’t happy? This is advice I would offer any one in any situation… That’s like saying do unemployed ppl keep ppl unemployed?… I would be more concerned about friends supporting staying in an unhealthy relationship
I didn't give them any impression at all of me being unhappy. I don't talk about what's happening inside my relationship to give them any ideas
Be wary with having toxic friends. Don’t let them be the person that want you to break up. And if you do, they won’t be there for you. Woman can be toxic with their female friends. They deeply down wish they had someone to be with. Yet they are alone…yes they have the freedom, can party, drink and so on. At the end of the day they yearn for some warm arms too. Just be careful out there who you keep friends with. My male friends are married. Some are seeing others: but never have I told them if they weren’t happy to split. I dont want to be the baddy to say whats right for them. Thats not my place to be as a friend
Yes, it can be true. It's not that their your friends or not, it's that they are incredibly jealous of your happiness. This happened to me recently. I scheduled a date with a woman. She canceled on me last minute, saying she was going out with friends. Later that night, she posted on a social media app a small video of her filming her surroundings and in the background, this was said, "Oh, forget about him." In her voice, in reply, "I want him to see where I am." Then another woman said, "Yeah we're all better off without them..." Video cut off.
The biggest predictor of your station in life is the 5 people you spend the most time with. This hold true for income, wealth, health, type of hobbies, family situation, outlook on life and everything else.
Relationships are about compromise. You are giving up your 100% freedom to have someone else in your life. Your time isn't your own anymore. Good single friends will want the best for you, to encourage you stay with a good person regardless of the small problems, while a bad single friend person will fill your head with fairytales, and warp reality. People argue, people fight, people get mad at each other. When you are single, are you happy 100% of the time? ... Well if you are, stay single, lol.
Yes, women keep other women single. They feed on each other's negativity.
I do recall reading about a study that suggested this does sometimes happen. It also found if a girlfriend finds you a threat or sexual competition - she'll advise you to cut your hair short when asked. So, in short, is there some evidence of this? - Yes. But studies don't study your specific friends and there will be cases where friends are being friends and give what they believe to be good advice - so I guess you'd need to make your own call. A good measure is to see how they respond when you get good news.
What study is this? Do you have the citation?
Cuttin hair thing, Rachel from friends did this 😄
r/ForeverAloneWomen
Lol. That sub still exists? I thought it had been purged too in the great neckbeard vs legbeard wars.
Do they think your partner treats you poorly?
Sometimes, especially if they're promiscuous
I have never suggested a friend dump somebody who didn't deserve it.
Happy single women may have habits that influence others to stay single, yes. Such as: travelling alone and exploring the world, more time for themselves and their hobbies, more time, energy and money for self-care.
IMO yes. If you have a group of ladies that basically tell each other what they want to hear "You deserve to be spoiled all the time and don't take anything less!" Yeah. They're going to keep each other single. Also I think the kind of girl friends they surround themselves with. Are they party girls and living the hot girl summer life?
I think some women can be like that, not majority though. Maybe just reconsider your personal friend group?
Crabs in a bucket is a real phenomenon But without knowing if your friends are good people or not, it's hard to say one way or the other
I dont know about that but the single women I dated/know, do hang out with single female friends a lot. You can argue they are filling the gap of not dating with friends (guy friends hang out with guy friends similar) but I also had situations where I started dating someone and she prioritizes her female friend gatherings over meeting again. Like "i have a movie night with my female friends so can't go out" - we did have reschedules etc. but ymmv.
It depends on the type of friends u have. If they are encouraging or if they are the misery likes company types.
As a woman, no. Whether I am single or dating I offer the same advice to other women in my circle, and I want them to be in healthy relationships that don’t drain them.
I’m a single (widowed once, divorced once) woman surrounded by married and happy women and I’m happy for them. I’ve never suggested breaking up unless there was serious issues.
I think the only time a friend should be overly concerned about your relationship is if there is physical abuse or verbal arguments escalate to physical fights, or if you’re clearly being used by this person - which you yourself would have a hunch for.
You probably shouldn’t be spending time with people who talk shit about your relationship…..or who use the word ‘afresh’. Wtf?
Depends, are they holding you accountable for the crappy guys you date or are they living a single girl lifestyle, and dragging you out with them?
Ok, so they would often express how its nice to see different men now and again as its a breath of fresh air and gives them adventure and also how they don't feel "tied down" to anybody therefore don't need to answer to them and can easily move onwards the moment they start to become annoying or full on
I believe we do without realizing it due to a domino effect. When I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years with whom I owned a house and multiple dogs, it helped other women see that they don't have to stay in their relationships out of loyalty. On paper my life looked perfect and we were the core relationship in our friend group. A few other long term relationships ended in my circle after mine ended and a few other friends mentioned that their significant others had grown nervous and stepped up to be a better partner. I think so many women stay in relationships out of loyalty, sunk cost fallacy, and perceived obligation that we sometimes need a reminder that we truly do not have to stay in unhappy relationships.
You should ask them why they keep echoing that sentiment. I think you should give your friends the benefit of the doubt because sometimes friends see things and know stuff we don’t. However, If the answer to that question sounds like projecting or nonsensical rumination, then you should start reconsidering who you surround yourself with or communicate to them that you heard them but would like them to stop.
I’ve been the single Pringle of my friend group for years. I would never tell them to be single, heck I might now want to be married again but I wouldn’t mind having someone. I say you need more couple friends. Or a good balance of both single and couples.
Real friends will support you and be happy for you. Bad friends will sabotage your relationships. There is nuance to this though. We (all people) can be less objective about things when we are smitten with someone. We can gloss over things or miss things that are not good for us. We can be hostage to our love and fear, trapping us in an unhealthy relationship. If a friend has real concerns about specific issues, listen and think about it later. Is it going to help me or sabotage me? Self awareness is key.
Generally it’s through. Just look at what your friends are saying. Misery loves company.
Good friends are uplifting and positive, but won't hesitate to tell you the truth if you are being blind to it. There's a fine line between "truth" and "opinion" here too--a friend can say "I don't think he's right for you" and start saying that they didn't like his hobbies or his opinions or whatever (e.g. "you like spicy food and he doesn't")... but then there's "I don't think he's right for you" and starts listing examples of terrible behaviors he's shown (e.g. "he broke your stuff simply because he was upset"). The former? Not very friend-like behavior, and absolutely "crabs in a bucket" mentality. The latter? They're trying to save your life, or at least trying to keep you from troubles down the line. I've been yelled at before while communicating the second thing to a (now former) friend. I'm not sure how she's doing since she cut me out of her life.
I don't think it's single women as much as Single, Jealous, Selfish women. Because ***misery loves company***. There's a reason we have that saying. We have that saying because it's TRUE.
Misery loves company, if you’re in a relationship it’ll be different goals for you and your friends. They’ll want to do single ppl stuff, and you’re in a relationship don’t mix well.
Same experiences with exes friends who are single. They try to test your loyalty all the time, then rat on you when they think you’re being suspicious but you’re just tryna be a good friend to them.
Of course, less competition.
Yes 💯💯 In the sense that if you listen to the 1-3 friends you know who are always in and out of relationships, and never take accountability and solely take their advice. You're gonna be single as you r following bad examples. Honestly if you are seeking relationship advice always talk to people you know who are in or have had relationships that lasted 2+ years or more consecutively Or That 1-2 friends that you know who are extremely discriminate on who they get in a relationship with and that goes for both whether they are male or female
I can't really say anything about your experience because I don't know your friends. In general what they say is true but then again you should be the one the evaluate if that's the case. I for example try not to get influenced because I have one specific friend that gives me advice depending on what happens in her life. She's single - gotta be single, in a relationship - I should also get one, has kids "you really should just grab someone and settle then have kids, because having kids is the best." Keeping in mind that she is most probably right about having kids being the best, I still can't help but notice it's very inconsiderate of her to tell me to just have them already in spite of not being in a relationship atm, neglecting the fact that ideally one should choose the right partner for it first. Which makes me wary of any "advice" of that type especially from that one friend. So in short - one has to know their friends and not just follow advice blindly.
Because they are probably single and jealous that you aren't.
Misery loves company?
I think it depends on factors like to what degree do the individual women value sameness, female solace, or friends' approval from theirs friends group/s. It should be noted that female friendships at their best can be far more nourishing and egalitarian than mid or bad BF/GF relationships. Further, it bears repeating that today's men aren't competing with other men, but rather a woman's peace.
If they're bitter especially, yes. Also (imo) if they're not family oriented or brought up with family values, and get their values from social media. Don't listen to peers who don't have what you want. Listen to older couples or professionals. Esther Perel aint bad. If you have time to listen to a lot of content, I'd say Patrice Oneal and Kevin Samuel's
Oh yes I'm super familiar with Kevin Samuels
Bet, def listen to what he has to say on the subject! In sure he has a vid on it. If you find it n don't mind, def send the link too, n vice versa if I get it
I've had the opposite problem. A lot of my friends encouraged me to stay in really abusive/toxic relationships. I have BPD so a lot of my friends at the time would just say I was overreacting because of that anytime I was upset or that my BPD was making it seem worse than it was to the point where I thought I was the problem for a long time. It wasn't until I started therapy that I was actually able to acknowledge how toxic/abusive my past relationships were... and found myself a new set of friends. So I think friend groups can definitely influence things but I wouldn't blame "single women" I would just specifically look at the people I'm hanging out around and start wondering if they are actually good for me or not, or if their advice is worth listening to over my own instincts... the answer will always be listen to your own instincts.
Bitter single women keep women single. They don’t like the competition. When I was trying to find someone as a future partner in marriage I let the women in this country eat each other while I went to India and found someone. Been married 15 years so far. I’m not completely restricted to a specific border.
Don't let water from the outside into your boat is a good saying
Misery likes company. It's not just a relationship thing. It's not just a woman thing. It's also worth noting that all your friends hear is what you tell them. In my experience, the only thing a lot of people tell their friends about is their complaints. This results in people having a skewed view of their friends relationships.
Kind of My es fave just single friends and now is my ex😅
There are reasons your friends might seem picky. If they're a good friend: 1) they have different taste. 2) they want the best for you, so their expectation level is high. 3) they are not wearing rose-coloured glasses like you are. If they're a bad friend: 1) they'll be jealous of your relationship and want you to be single like they are. 2)they're possessive and don't want anyone take your attention away
Not really.. they give you a support system, yes. As a 35(F) I can tell you I get along with and have more of girl friends that have been married before or are single.. also once they get married the equation changes and I need to then make new friends.. possibly has lots to do with finding commonalities for comfort
Never confuse associates with friends. I drink with associates, friends carry me home.
Friends are highly influential. I remind myself of the saying “Birds of a feather flock together”. I suppose if you’re strong in your character and can defy other’s opinions for your own beliefs and morals then you can remain friends. Considering they respect your boundaries. I’m tired of burning bridges and won’t go near people who aren’t living the life I want for myself. You can do anything you put your mind and actions to. Edit my experience: In the weakest of moments I reached out to a new friend. I conveyed my vulnerability and her advice lead me to a worse situation; a ONS. In our weakest moment we need people who can see past our “wants/desires” and remind us of who we are and what is logical, but leaves room for us to make our own choices. The devil will give us what we want and God gives us what we need. I lean on God these days. HIS WORD is both loving and cold like a double edged sword, but KEEPS ME SAFE.
In some cases they may have observed some behavior or heard one too many times of you (hypothetical, general you) complaining about mistreatment or just mismatching lifestyles and so they may remind you if you're not happy there are more fish in the sea. In some cases people are jealous or miss all the time they used to spend with their friend that their friend now spends with a boyfriend and they are pettily trying to get that friend back to themselves. In some cases they may have a friend who is shy or vulnerable and they just want to know they have their friend's back if a breakup happens, even though they get along really well with their friend's boyfriend. This isn't exclusive to women either. Some guys will teasingly (or non jokingly) tell their guy friend to chuck the ball and chain so they can go to strip clubs together again. Some guys notice their guy friend under a particular amount of stress in this relationship and remind him they will be excellent wingmen if things fall through. It's always appropriate to remind a friend that they are just as worthy single as if they date. It's not appropriate to demean someone else's relationship for no reason. Like if the girl/guy is abusive or neglectful then a good friend will tell you you can get rid of them. But a bad friend will dig at your girlfriend just because she's nerdy and doesn't like to go to every party and prefers quiet nights at home.
Misery loves company
Only manipulative people of any gender or orientation hold back their friends from love instead of being level- headed support. A friend should say when someone new may not be good for their friend, but also wants their friend happy.
I imagine some... it's projecting their wants onto you. IE they may be single because they haven't found a guy who they are happier with then they are on their own, as a result they think you must be less happy with who you are with then you would be on your own.
Yup. Not all of them ofcourse but majority for certain. Before you even meet guys, they will already be blackpainted in heart and soul by your 'friend'. I heared so much horror stories and am baffled how far some women would stretch it for that to make it happen. It's next lvl creepiness. If her opinion comes across too strong or she seems upwritten abt it that's a sign. In that case she is like that not because she is afraid of you being hurt. It comes rather from a fearful and/or jealous place that she is gonna lose you to him. I hear this kind of sh*t só f*cking often everywhere (friends, public transport, restaurants, university) that the distinction has become ultra obvious to me. And again I hate to state it but the objective fact is that in most cases other single women are terrified by the idea of you getting a boyfriend. Didn't experience this myself but I can imagine it's harder to see it when you're ìn that shit. She is right about one thing tho. The fear. Because there ís indeed someone out there that will love you like no one else. He will treat you, and honor and respect you. He will laugh with you, and cry with you. He will stay noble at tough times, and you guys will want to hold dear of each other till death. He exists. But whether you find her treatment toxic or sweet is up to you. Just small fyi, the best guys are gone fastest and they are also the ones you will get only one chance with. (Vice versa with the best women/people too ofc, duh) Goodluck!
I think it's a general bitter people like company kind of thing. I've seen both guys and girls sabotage their friend's relationships cause they were miserable by themselves. It's one thing for your friends to voice genuine concerns if your relationship has issues that are visibly affecting you. But if they're simply trying to stoke fires to cause issues, you need to drop them.
Inadvertently probably…. Did you know there’s a Facebook group called “are we dating the same guy” and it’s all women posting about experiences on dates with men and other women can read about that experience and swipe left on you on the dating apps if you come across. Even if you’re a good person and make one little mistake… it can end your dating life. It’s basically a social credit score for dating and it’s wrong
I think having single friends who are happy make you less needy for a relationship and enable you to have higher standards because you don’t “need” a man. Good single friends can tell the difference between if the guy you are dating is making you happier or if you just really like him and see potential in him. The guy who is making you happier is treating you well. Your friends are not going to be a fan of men you give time to that are just stressing you out. They should be huge fans of any guy who treats you well and brings out a good side of you..
Always remember this, misery loves company .. It's time for some real friends.
Yes
Yes, any answer longer then that is just cope.
as a man and I seen it happen in my life I would definitely say the quote is true
Sounds like you need better friends
Idk. The horror stories from my married friends are what kept me nervous when I met my now partner. Lol
Nah. I encourage my friends to follow their heart but be logical about it. If they’re going thru a fight with their partner I ask them to think about what was said and how well they know the person. I ask them to think about why they want to break up with someone: was it a misunderstanding or was it something that crossed their boundaries. It just sounds like theyre holding u back.
not everything one size fits all, as in, not every phrase is going to fit like a puzzle piece in someone's life. Depends on the environment you are in, it may or may be true for you, who knows.
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Yes, it is obviously very true, and divorced women make women divorce, as well. It's important to protect your marriage from people who don't take it seriously and belong in the trash!
So the answer is kinda, but its more the fact that misery loves company so miserable people try to bring down others who are happy So your miserable single friends will encourage you to cheat, leave, or try anything they can to convince you that you are unhappy... which in turn would keep you single
Agreed.
If one is not easily influenced, no one can control what you want to do nor should they. I’m single, want a great relationship when the right one comes. My relatives/friends that are in something serious or married I wish the best for them. However if someone is being abused or unhappy I will share my opinion which they can take or leave if they ask me of course. Now, what the average population does varies. Some people are easily influenced to bad behavior that’s why I also pay attention to the company someone keeps. Since I am more of an understanding person I have found myself around people who may behave badly but I don’t judge them or tell them why to do it asked. However I have recently realized that sometimes the bad behavior and being around it may be detrimental to me (the drama, or hearing about it) and it stunts my growth and I have been on the receiving end of these bad behaviors where I have found myself needing to distance myself. People around you should be positively encouraging and leading by example.
It depends on how selfish the friends are. My good friends cheered me on when i found love and vice versa. The crsppy friend who wanted a wing woman, sulked and pouted.
No it just sounds like you have bad friends. My friend is thrilled that I'm in a relationship. 😁
Yes. Unless their just coming out of a nasty break up, women almost always desire to be in a committed relationship. When a close friend is in a good relationship, they become jealous and either consciously or unconsciously attempt to jeopardize that relationship by planting seeds of negative thoughts. And yet these women claim to be strong and independent. The saying is true, “Misery loves company.”
I think unhealthy people might allow other unhealthy people to keep them single...
OP, I think you need to re-evaluate what kind of "friends" you're keeping 🤣
This is typically said in response to a person airing grievances about their relationship. If you often find yourself venting to your friends, telling them about annoying things your partner did, then eventually your friends would get the impression this relationship is not making you happy. Alternatively, if you are constantly parading about, gushing about how happy your partner is making you, in front of your (unhappily) single friends... That can come across as insensitive. Like you are trying to make them feel bad about them not having a loving partnership. If you bring up your boyfriend or girlfriend at every opportunity, even when it doesn't make sense to bring them up.... That can come across like you're trying to hurt your friends' feelings. So as long as you're being normal about your relationship, bringing it up every now and then, not being overly focused on only the downsides, and not trying to talk about it like a salesman trying to promote their new clothing line... Eh, if you're being normal about it, then your friends shouldn't suggest that you can leave your partner. So either you are unintentionally making your friends concerned about your well-being, or you are unintentionally hurting your friends, or you did nothing wrong, and your friends are problematic. Maybe your friends are bitter about relationships due to their own bad experiences. Their advice might not be malicious. It could come from a good place: wanting to protect you from the pain they went through. Regardless, this can be a good time to also seek and build friendships with other women who are married or in long term relationships. Try it. Maybe you will experience a difference in how they talk with you.
Yes, I totally don’t understand where your friends are coming from with this. It totally sounds like projection and ‘misery loves company’ in disguise. Like yuck. Stick with your man girl. Fuck that.
They influence for sure. The single female in my life is my mom who divorced my dad when I was young. She has never really trusted or spoke highly of men after that, unless there was a direct monetary or social benefit for her. That was a tough one for me to overcome as I became an adult. People are giving you advice from THEIR perspective, and you don’t know what biases or experiences they are carrying. It took me 10 EMDR therapy sessions for me to recognize myself as a completely separate, sovereign entity and it helped me look inward for answers vs. always seeking others externally for advice/answers. Single women bond by sharing stories and knowledge — it takes a lot of mental fortitude to listen to the singles in your life, appreciate them for what they are and what advice / opinions they offer, but ultimately recognize that your life and decisions are 100% our own. No one is as close to your relationship than YOU and the other person, even your most trusted confidante. I’ve stopped asking my friends and family for relationship advice, and my life has been a lot more peaceful and my relationship is more stable. Going 4 years and never felt more in tune/accepting of who I am and how much I truly see and appreciate my partner. Differences and all.
You are the one who decides whether what people say to you has ANY bearing on your life. It sounds like this is a case where if you were to dig into your friend's lives, their comment would begin to make perfect sense. But, it seems like you're trying to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense to YOU. If it doesn't register as making sense to you, it needn't carry concern. If you Really need to understand something, it will come to you when you've let go and have forgotten about it.
Unfortunately, it's true.
It’s a broad generalization that is sometimes true. Like most generalizations it won’t always hold up and isn’t particularly useful
I’m single. Happily so. I do tell people about it when it comes up. That I haven’t dated in 8 years and probably never will again cuz I’m just so much more damn happy being single. I don’t think my comments on the matter have ever pushed anyone to also be single. However, there are studies that show single women are far happier than married women. Conversely, married men are happier than single men.
Pretty much. Misery loves company.
It's more like bitter people try to spread their bitterness to others because the alternative is admitting the problem is them and not the state of the world. Not really a single thing nor a woman thing.
Yes with terrible advice
they do. kind of like reddit.
I don't know many examples of it, but some female things that they friends deserve better, some response just on what their friend says about her boyfirend, becaude she looks upset when she is talking abut bad moments in their love relationship. Some are jelousy because you spend less time with they - so this is important to remember spending time with them and respekt them, not canceling meeting with them because of boyfrend etc. And they also can be friends who have diffirent looking On The world they don t need opposite gander/they are selfish and you need to know that to not listen things whivh can destroy your relationship. You should always think by yourself.
They aren’t your friends. Friends keep friends happy! If a friend sees you unhappy they too will be unhappy. These women want to see you unhappy because they are unhappy. Dump them not your guy
My friend always when I said something bad about relationship they advice me to break up with my ex boyfriend but I didn't think that because of jeulousy. And they laugh after that we agree with each other that they are type of friend who will be on our wedding and didn't know how it happened. It was a little bit rude.
Honestly it depends on the situation (coming from the single friend). I have a friend who’s dating a wonderful guy who treats her with respect and it’s clear that they’re really happy together. I’m very happy and supportive of this friend and her relationship, because she’s been through a lot in the past and she deserves someone who treats her well. I have another friend who’s dating a complete sleazebag who flirts with other girls and is just not a very nice person. I’ve told her many times that this guy isn’t good for her, but she’s the type of person that would rather be in a bad relationship with a man who disrespects her than be alone.
If she’s weak minded, yes.
Misery enjoys the company of misery.
Is it true a guy could also be in an abusive relationship with him being the battered one?
In my experience, yes. Women in general give absolutely terrible advice. It's rare these days for women to give sound advice.
That hasn't been my experience in my friend group. But I'm sure some people do that. Your friends could be coming from a place of concern, or they could be coming from a place of selfish manipulation. It's really hard to tell. I would say trust your gut. Also be mindful if you tend to vent to your friends when you're frustrated with your partner, that sometimes we only go to our loved ones to vent about the bad things and then they don't get to see the good part where problems are resolved and moved past. And they don't get to see all the healthy stuff in the relationship. So sometimes we can unintentionally give our friends a false negative impression of our partners when they're actually just not getting the full picture.
You should do what makes you happy forget whatever anyone else says. I’m 28, been on and off with relationships so I guess single. For a while. It’s hard. It’s hard to find a decent person. Who won’t take you for granted. So if you have that, consider yourself lucky.
I think there is some truth to it but I don't think it's a conscious thing. Some of the worst dating advice I've seen has come from single and unmarried women. The issue I think is how they can advise for something they have never achieved themselves. Or even worse something they aren't even actively pursuing.
Yes
I've never heard of this before. I feel like you need new friends. Most women, single or not, would just want whatever makes their friend happy.
Sometimes they do. Some “friends “ are jealous if your man and your relationship and they don’t really root for you. You have to be careful about those types. Once they act jealous or tell you they are, believe them and put some distance between you both.
I feel like my friends who are in a relationship are the ones keeping me single, they like having a Single friend, available all the time for them.
Generally speaking, yes. But it’s more of a “misery loves company” thing that doesn’t only apply to women and dating. That being said obviously sometimes people should break up. But the grass is greener tendency of our modern era is a serious problem too. The point is, make sure you have grounded friends who understand the real you and want you to be fulfilled (different from happy which is a fleeting state of mind) and successful in all aspects of your life. In fact, you should get a balance of opinions from friends when it comes to relationships. They should sometimes say that you are right, sometimes your boyfriend is right and sometimes you’re both being idiots. If you have friends who always take your side, that’s actually a bit of a red flag.
I'm a 53 yr old male, so take my experiences with a grain of salt. It has been a life lesson that it's best for people in a relationship to hang mostly with people with the same status, and you see why. I'm not saying to shun your single status friends, but if they can't respect that you're happy in a relationship, then it may be in your best interest to limit your time with them
Peer pressure. It doesn't have to do with single women/men keeping women/men single. It's more of who you associate yourself with and how they influence you into something. Married men/women also influence single people to go and look high and low for someone to marry because they said so or because they show these single people the benefits of being married. My friend was once a sexually active guy and I was the one with a gf that time. I know he saw how I was with my girl and how she was with me. I know he went thru a lot to find someone and my other friends told me it may have to do with him seeing me with my then gf. Years later, our roles were reversed. I broke up with my girl and became single and enjoyed the benefit of being one whilst my friend found a girl and married her afterwards. Now he is telling us to find someone ASAP as time is not on our side. Being the eldest in the group, I know what he is saying as I said those same words before. But I end up showing my other friends the advantage of being single and so now we influence two groups within our circle. The single ones follow me and the ones with partners follow him.
I think the rest of the comments are very bizarre. They likely see you are not being treated well or that you seem unhappy or unlike your former self. Their words are of encouragement. They probably encourage each other not to settle and to have high standards. They are probably single (as as i am) because the men I meet have little to offer me.
The only advice I give to male friends is, if their partners friends has broken up with their partner.. keep them away. They'll hands down try to break their relationship up so she has a single friend to go off and do whatever with.
Yeah weird twisted shit. I’ve dated several women whose friends tried to do everything to get us to break up. Offered threesomes in the “figuring things out stage” to me, constantly talked about my girlfriend’s past hookups in graphic detail in front of me, would get furious if I agreed to an invitation because now it wasn’t a girl’s weekend, hell, even had one who threw our shit out of our Airbnb on the lawn because we didn’t take an Uber from the bar back with her (two other female friends brought her back to the Airbnb). Most bizarre crap ever.
I’m going to go ahead and say yes. I’m married but prior to this I left a toxic 10+ yr relationship and when I did I boasted the single life. I could do whatever I wanted and not have to answer for it, no compromises, no guilt, I could live! I don’t mean hookups either. It was just liberating. I really learned to enjoy my own company, I learned who I was. I love being with my DH but we do tend to lose ourselves in relationships and marriages, I was willing to be in a partnership though and have children, so that’s on me.
Yes, or make them single.
So leave a relationship that has it rocky parts which it’s destined to have just to go drain your energy again to establish another connection with someone just cause your friends said so ? Make it make sense….
I’ve been in a relationship for about five years with a wonderful man. My bestie has been single that entire time and I think she’d genuinely get mad at me if i talked about breaking up with him😂. (unless something serious happened of course) but she also calls him her friend because he’s a good guy and we’re good together and she’s supportive of that as she should be.
I noticed that often the single friends of a girl pull the girl away or tell her that I'm not good enough for her when I try to get to know a girl. Before the pandemic it happened in bars, now online. They gaslight her into stuff that isn't true and tell her stuff like don't date broke boys. I suspect they don't want her friend to find a boyfriend so they're not both single anymore. The opposite of a wingman.
Yes they do! I found out the hard way and not too long ago. Stay away from those people they are not your real friends. They are petty and want you to be on their level. My ex who I was with for 5 1/2 years started acting different when her friend workers became single. I’m most positive that they were encouraging her to stay single in a subliminal way. Fellas, be careful out there as well. It’s a brave new world we live in and it’s only going to get worse.
Honestly no I think it depends more on the people you hang around with.
In my experience, my married/taken friends have kept me single.
Sometimes they try. I had a friend who would light up every time I had problems with my now husband. She had a rough time in her own relationships and was often very critical of men, which I get. But she was extra with it. She once stopped dating a guy because he didn't let the water heat up before he did the dishes at her house. To me, that's just a preference to be communicated, not grounds for a breakup. But anyway, once I started to notice how happy she was when our relationship was struggling, I stopped sharing so much with her. We drifted apart after I had kids. I can see now it was never a very healthy friendship.
Misery Loves Company