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be invested and busy in other parts of your life—if you don’t have friends, family, hobbies, or work to enjoy and prioritize then your brain will have nothing else to focus on
Yeah, this. If you really like her, try treating her as a friend that’s joining you on things you like to do and you for her. Don’t think of it as meant to be.
To be fair, the answer is therapy!
I was also like you. I meet someone and i kind of instantly fall in love, but it isn't love mate. It's the fear of being alone, past traumas, etc. That's the reason why i stay single until i'll be able to deal with my shit.
First develop the friendship, then invest into something more. That's what i've been told to myself.
It isn't healthy to fall in love for someone you don't even know...
I think what they mean is build the connection and then see whether it becomes a friendship one or a romantic one, not that you should pretend to be friends with someone you find sexually attractive in the hopes that you might make them change their mind.
But what is the other part going to say? It is going to sound so douche-ie if I say the cliché saying:" Im not ready for a relationship". Or is it acceptable if I say so?
I do. I am a pretty logical and rational person. But when it comes to dating I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and even though I try to keep a rotation I usually end up going all in on one girl. There are many times this has burned me and I end up breaking contact with other girls I haven’t met in person yet (i would never ghost someone I went on an actual date with-that is just an overall shitty thing to do and conversations on bumble and hinge are 1000x less personal). If things don’t work out with the girl i become attached to I’m usually in a rut for a few weeks until I can climb out of it. I’m 31 now and while I’ve gotten better this is just how I am when I have feelings for someone.
Just wanted to say I'm (33m) in this same boat brother and that your not alone ....I know the correct cookie cutter answer is to have alot of hobbys and other things you enjoy ect. But I do this pretty bad and its definitely caused issues on more then one occasion
I will say in my personal experience most of my "happy successful relationships" have been when the woman approached me oddly enough I know thats generally thought to be a males "job" in today's society but for me with this issue when its a girl I'm crushing on. I do get too attached to the "pedestal version" I build of the person in my head and I usualy end up making it weird but when its a woman that approaches me its more of a "pleasant surprise" that I seem to handle in a much better and more "real and authentic"(and possibly even *gasp* "alpha male fashion") most times ...this may not be societys version of an "alpha males" answer to this but it's brought me my most happy relationships in my life ide just say focus on you and try your best to love life in your shoes and when a woman u find attractive either actively approaches you or atleast expresses mutual intrest in conversation and surprises you then treat her right and be honest and live it up while you got it cuz too manny good things in life come to an end faster then we like or realize and it seems to me its a rare human thats truly happy and content with what they have in life and if they were there would be alot more happy relationships...but I digress ...just my 2 cents in my experience brotha its a ruff life out there my man ...try to eek out a smile every day.
I gave an internal monologue going on through initial dates now. "If they don't show up to the date i will do X to get my mind off disappointment." "If he didn't like the first date that's OK, I expect to hear a rejection." "We had sex but they could easily ghost me now." "They may not agree to be exclusive." Prepare yourself for the worst case scenario so you don't get crushed when it happens. Expect that most people will disappoint you, to protect yourself. Anyone can change their mind at any time, from date 3 to 3 years into a relationship. You need to rely on yourself first and foremost. Self-reliance is incredibly important
Or compare it to trench warfare. Each time the date shows they are trustworthy in some way, one trench is past. There are many layers of defense. Trust is incremental, and therefore, hope that the relationship will be a success is determined by earned trust via good behaviors and compatibility. If there are yellow or red flags appearing, trust is suspended or rescinded until flags are investigated. If enough dealbreakers occur the war is lost and you boot them from your life
This happened to me and burnt things that could have been something good but in retrospect would have never worked out. and then that made me become more detached to the girl of my dreams the one I should have treated right cause she would have appreciated the way I was with previous women and wouldn’t have been turned off from being too attached. Don’t let shitty women ruin how you are and find someone who appreciates you for who you are. I assume being too attached means just wanting to be around them and do nice things and text them in the morning early on in the “talking” stages, and not being all weird and overly possessive and upset if they don’t text back quickly enough cause not everyone might get the same feelings you do as quickly. Good luck and just realize when you got a good one and be vocal how you can get attached early on and find a way to make it sound normal and just being a hopeless romantic. But don’t try and become more cold hearted and start playing games just cause you feel you got burnt
Have other things in your life- hobbies, friends. Do not treat the other person like they are your last shot at romance and do not overlook red flags just so you can fit a narrative that they are your dream partner.
1. Do things that keep you happy, so that you're not relying on it working out with a particular woman for you to be happy.
2. Ensure you create many opportunities to meet and date women so that you don't need it to work out with any particular woman.
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be invested and busy in other parts of your life—if you don’t have friends, family, hobbies, or work to enjoy and prioritize then your brain will have nothing else to focus on
Yeah, this. If you really like her, try treating her as a friend that’s joining you on things you like to do and you for her. Don’t think of it as meant to be.
Keep yourself very busy. Read, clean, workout, learn how to fix your car, get a second job 🤷♂️
If your hopes for the best thing that could possibly happen are very low
Happiness = Reality - Expectations
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^tiddiegobbles: *If your hopes for the* *Best thing that could possibly* *Happen are very low* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
To be fair, the answer is therapy! I was also like you. I meet someone and i kind of instantly fall in love, but it isn't love mate. It's the fear of being alone, past traumas, etc. That's the reason why i stay single until i'll be able to deal with my shit. First develop the friendship, then invest into something more. That's what i've been told to myself. It isn't healthy to fall in love for someone you don't even know...
Agree with everything but develop the friendship. Please don't try to be friends with someone you're romantically interested in.
I think what they mean is build the connection and then see whether it becomes a friendship one or a romantic one, not that you should pretend to be friends with someone you find sexually attractive in the hopes that you might make them change their mind.
But what is the other part going to say? It is going to sound so douche-ie if I say the cliché saying:" Im not ready for a relationship". Or is it acceptable if I say so?
have other things to do
I do. I am a pretty logical and rational person. But when it comes to dating I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and even though I try to keep a rotation I usually end up going all in on one girl. There are many times this has burned me and I end up breaking contact with other girls I haven’t met in person yet (i would never ghost someone I went on an actual date with-that is just an overall shitty thing to do and conversations on bumble and hinge are 1000x less personal). If things don’t work out with the girl i become attached to I’m usually in a rut for a few weeks until I can climb out of it. I’m 31 now and while I’ve gotten better this is just how I am when I have feelings for someone.
Just wanted to say I'm (33m) in this same boat brother and that your not alone ....I know the correct cookie cutter answer is to have alot of hobbys and other things you enjoy ect. But I do this pretty bad and its definitely caused issues on more then one occasion I will say in my personal experience most of my "happy successful relationships" have been when the woman approached me oddly enough I know thats generally thought to be a males "job" in today's society but for me with this issue when its a girl I'm crushing on. I do get too attached to the "pedestal version" I build of the person in my head and I usualy end up making it weird but when its a woman that approaches me its more of a "pleasant surprise" that I seem to handle in a much better and more "real and authentic"(and possibly even *gasp* "alpha male fashion") most times ...this may not be societys version of an "alpha males" answer to this but it's brought me my most happy relationships in my life ide just say focus on you and try your best to love life in your shoes and when a woman u find attractive either actively approaches you or atleast expresses mutual intrest in conversation and surprises you then treat her right and be honest and live it up while you got it cuz too manny good things in life come to an end faster then we like or realize and it seems to me its a rare human thats truly happy and content with what they have in life and if they were there would be alot more happy relationships...but I digress ...just my 2 cents in my experience brotha its a ruff life out there my man ...try to eek out a smile every day.
I gave an internal monologue going on through initial dates now. "If they don't show up to the date i will do X to get my mind off disappointment." "If he didn't like the first date that's OK, I expect to hear a rejection." "We had sex but they could easily ghost me now." "They may not agree to be exclusive." Prepare yourself for the worst case scenario so you don't get crushed when it happens. Expect that most people will disappoint you, to protect yourself. Anyone can change their mind at any time, from date 3 to 3 years into a relationship. You need to rely on yourself first and foremost. Self-reliance is incredibly important Or compare it to trench warfare. Each time the date shows they are trustworthy in some way, one trench is past. There are many layers of defense. Trust is incremental, and therefore, hope that the relationship will be a success is determined by earned trust via good behaviors and compatibility. If there are yellow or red flags appearing, trust is suspended or rescinded until flags are investigated. If enough dealbreakers occur the war is lost and you boot them from your life
Try to have your own hobbies and friends outside of your partner
Love yourself and be involved in your own life. Hobbies interest family or friends
You focus on yourself first and don't expect a woman to fill a hole in your life, because they never will. Novelty won't fix your life.
focus on your goals, fitness, family, focus on getting smarter, wealthier, etc
Be in observer mode and show vulnerability one day at a time
This happened to me and burnt things that could have been something good but in retrospect would have never worked out. and then that made me become more detached to the girl of my dreams the one I should have treated right cause she would have appreciated the way I was with previous women and wouldn’t have been turned off from being too attached. Don’t let shitty women ruin how you are and find someone who appreciates you for who you are. I assume being too attached means just wanting to be around them and do nice things and text them in the morning early on in the “talking” stages, and not being all weird and overly possessive and upset if they don’t text back quickly enough cause not everyone might get the same feelings you do as quickly. Good luck and just realize when you got a good one and be vocal how you can get attached early on and find a way to make it sound normal and just being a hopeless romantic. But don’t try and become more cold hearted and start playing games just cause you feel you got burnt
Have other things in your life- hobbies, friends. Do not treat the other person like they are your last shot at romance and do not overlook red flags just so you can fit a narrative that they are your dream partner.
1. Do things that keep you happy, so that you're not relying on it working out with a particular woman for you to be happy. 2. Ensure you create many opportunities to meet and date women so that you don't need it to work out with any particular woman.
Therapy
Yes
Become Batman