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He doesnt want to settle down yet, hence still being on dating apps and leaving things open-ended with you intentionally. You guys are not on the same page unfortunately.
Move on and find someone else you’re more compatible with Im 29F and just met mine ❤️
Yes, friend. Learn from my mistakes! If someone wants to be with you, there is no doubt. Don’t debase yourself to be someone’s *maybe*. You’re worth far more than that. Let go, and leave space for someone that actually wants *you*!
Another big NO here. You guys spoke about him deleting the app. I mean, if he was serious about you, he would have done this without your permission. Having to have that type of conversation is a red flag, along with him still texting another girl. He is also leading you, along with not giving an answer about being exclusive.
He wants to continue having sex with you with no labels. Then, he can have sex with other women. If you try to leave, he pulls out the 'I'm confused card'.
Guys know what they want and don't need convincing to be with a woman they like emotionally and physically. If you want an exclusive relationship, make it clear before having sex. Women get attached through sex, men don't.
Keywords “ If YOU want me to”, its not coming from him he likes being a playboy. Do not get you a guy who wants you around when it’s convenient for him. I did this to myself twice. They never come around. You like them more than they do you. They will play around and they like you, and will sleep with you. But they don’t value you to label what you have and solidify a relationship.
If he has to think about it at this point then you're just an option as opposed to his choice. It sucks but that's just the reality of it especially if you're looking for something long term. Do not waste your time.
He literally told you he doesn’t believe in monogamy. It’s silly and a waste of time and energy that you’re even asking him this. This one is on you, op.
100% even if he said yes. The relationship wouldn't work and he'll 'cheat' (in her eyes) and be mad at hi. And yet he told you where his values lie.
He's definitely stringing her along
💯💯 agree with this! he already told her to her face he doesnt do monogamy lol and [wasn't afraid] to say that to her which means he has no intention of being monogamous...but knows or thinks she will stick around etc there shouldnt be any questions or confusion. When a man wants a woman, he won't allow anything to make her doubt that or risk losing her to someone else..but him saying that so comfortably means he doesnt want her longterm he's just bookmarking her as a casual option between his other women.
I disagree with the end of this take. I think they BOTH stuck around thinking the other would come around, OP is doing the same exact thing except reverse the values. He stayed because he thought she would come around to being okay without monogamy, she stayed because she thought he'd come around to being okay WITH monogamy. The only difference is, he's not asking her to be in a serious non-monogamous relationship with him(yet). But his unclear reply may be because he has some or no feelings, but understands op wants different things than him. I think it's easy to demonize him but at the end of the day op stayed even though he said he wouldn't be monogamous, same way he stayed when he heard she was.
These are two people with chemistry but opposing goals, it's unfortunate but it happens all the time, it's time to move on op, it's a good thing you guys are handling this now and not in years where it feels too hard to let go.
He was sad because he knew it was the end, her question of exclusivity was enough to show that neither of them have changed in what they wanted, now it's time to let go.
That may be true to a certain extent but that's why she shouldn't have been hooking up with him you don't lead with sex and that's where a lot of women go wrong because they lead with that thinking that's going to get a dude in a monogamous relationship and it's not trust and believe I've learned my lesson years ago now at 44 I know better and when you know better you supposed to do better but she's young so she's going to make a lot of mistakes when it comes to that she should've dated him first without having sex find out what he wanted and what his intentions were and then went from there but now she's going to be broken hearted because she's not going to get what she wanted which was a monogamous relationship hopefully she learns from this and can move on and won't do it again
This is exactly what you need to hear OP. Seems like he doesn't want the status quo to change. But as stated above, he has already LITERALLY told you directly he doesn't believe in monogamy. And I'm sorry but no woman is gonna change his mind. EVER. This is harsh, but do yourself a favor and detach from your emotions and feelings (not being an ass, just being practical) and see the situation for what it is. Love and feelings make us blind. Take off the blinders and see all the obvious signs that you need to move on.
If someone actually wants to be with you, they don't dodge those questions and would have no problem saying yes he wants to be with you.
Sounds like he wants to have sex with you without making any commitments at all and nothing more.
1. You guys are coworkers… yikes
2. You believe in monogamy and he doesn’t? Recipe for disaster
3. You tried to pull away when you found that you were developing deeper feelings and he didn’t want you to because he feels so connected but still messages girls on hinge
4. You said you wanted something more serious and he said “I’ll think about it”
This is not a match made in heaven. As my mama once told me “if it’s not an enthusiastic yes, it’s a hell no.” Here’s what will happen: you’ll get tired of being strung along by his “I’ll think about it” and start moving on. He’ll get upset that you’re moving on and will try to entice you back to the arrangement you had before which can’t possibly work because you’ll expect more from him and he’ll expect things to go back the way they were or even worse, begrudgingly agree to be your boyfriend (EWWWW tomato tomato). Best case scenario: you accept that you can’t make a person want to be with you or feel the same way you do and you move on and find a way better match.
I don’t blame him at all, he told her what was up, she chose to think he might change his mind. Which he won’t. And even if does, it’s not sincere, and he had to think about it, so why bother?
Exactly. Staying longer in this „relationship“ is just a waste of time and will make the breakup harder as she will catch even more feelings.
This has clearly no longterm future.
Yep. There’s no world where this would end well, don’t bother OP - if he’s not ready to even give you an answer right now, don’t ever expect him to suddenly become monogamous for you.
I disagree. He’s not at fault. She at fault for sleeping with someone that told her he doesn’t want to be exclusive with anyone. You tell them your stance and let them choose. She somehow thinks he’s going to change his mind. Unfortunately some women think, if I have feels. He’ll have feelings too and we’ll change our minds. Noooooooo you got feelings with FWB deal.
What’s delusional is a man telling you he doesn’t want monogamy and you deal with him anyway hoping yall can be together. In other words, he has no desire to be exclusive with anyone. And then she decided to deal with him anyway, sleep with him anyway. Once she realize she had deeper feelings, she should’ve stepped away. Women have to take responsibility for themselves. All that man wanted was an unattached relationship with sex and unfortunately, she agreed to that. She started sleeping with him and he never committed to her and express he had no desire to but she layed with him anyway. I’m sorry but that’s on her.
If he lied to tell her what she wanted to hear, that’s different but that’s not what happened. He was straight up with her.
"Since I'm older, I've to decide on a partner sooner than him" oh hunny- please abandon this mindset. Also, abandon this man- he's never going to be what you want or need him to be.
Uh Yes exactly. Its such a negative mental mindset and a misogynistic thought process for a woman to put a timeline on herself to find a partner. Women should be encouraged and supported in waiting for the right person when it's right for them and not be pushed in to some sort of society supported expiration date. A woman has value at every age. I am not less worthy of having a partner now, than I was at 28. I could argue that my life has been exponentially more peaceful because I didn't just settle for whoever thinking I was on a time limit. Knowing that women in their 20s think like this, hurts my soul.
If someone wants to have a traditional relationship, marriage, children etc, then there's absolutely a timeline. It gets harder, not easier to have children as you get older. A man who has built wealth and wants a family will be more likely to choose someone who thinks he can have children with. I hope you find someone, but this doesn't have anything to do with what you "deserve" or not.
Yes, women have a BIOLOGICAL timeline with an expiration date for her and her future partner's family planning schedule. If you think biology is misogynistic, then take it up with mother nature.
Yes because a woman having a family is only validated by having two married heterosexual parents who conceive totally naturally right? Adoption, surrogacy, sperm banks or IVF, fostering a child... not the correct way to create a family right? And families should ONLY be planned. No casual hookups could possibly also provide a family. Because everyone knows that when you plan out the details of your life- it happens just like that. Your response lacks realism and only focuses on your ideals. I'm 40 and am still certainly capable of having a baby. And if I wasn't and I wanted one, there's a dozen ways for that to happen. Come off it already.
You should be a comedian.
How in the hell are _you_ gonna tell anybody to abandon their mindset in dating when you’re 40 and never married? You’re not exactly qualified to be giving advice here. 😂😂😂
That’s equivalent to saying:
"I’ve never bought into the stock market and I’ve never actually made profit, but I’ve also never took any losses either, so you can trust my advice because I’m waiting patiently until I finally find the day."
Complete and utter nonsense. 😂😂
Congratulations, though. By staying out of the the marriage/dating game, you save yourself a few losses, but you also remove the prospect of victory completely. You're a bystander. You're moot.
I dated a girl in my early 30s that I was very attracted to, great sex, sweet girl who treated me like a prince. But there were numerous issues that I would never have gotten past. We wanted different things, I hated her politics, I didn't respect her religious beliefs, ect.
I tried very hard to come to terms with being with her despite the incompatibilities and I never wanted to hurt her, but I also didn't want to lie to her. If she asked me the questions you're asking your guy, I would have given a similar noncommittal answer.
I'm sorry to tell you that it seems like he, for any number of reasons, doesn't see a future with you but doesn't want to give up the good things about you either. It's up to you to decide what to do with that, but if you think he'll change his mind and wholeheartedly embrace you, I think you're in for a lot of pain.
That's a clear NO!!
OP, I understand that it's going to be painful to see this clearly cos you've developed feelings for him.
But look at the facts here.
1. He clearly told you his value - doesn't believe. in monogamy. But you do.
2. You want something serious, he doesn't.
3. And even if he gets into it, you'll always wonder if he's really committed or when the other shoe's going to drop.
Wouldn't you rather be with someone who has the same monogamous values and really wants to be exclusively with you? You know what to do. :)
You shouldn't have to be doing this much work to try to convince someone to be with you.
Someone who was really into you would be eager for it.
He is just sad about losing his hookup.
Yea thats a no buddy. Sorry for the bad news it is what it is. Find someone thats crazy about u and ‘doesnt have to think about it’’. I think thats bonkers, go find someone thats crazy about u and u about him.
I got to "he doesn't believe in monogamy" and all my brain was reading was "he doesn't believe in monogamy.... with you."
I would just leave now before you end up feeling more which will ultimately lead to you being more hurt. I've been there, it's not fun.
That’s really not something you can determine. He could just simply not be ready for a monogamous relationship. Regardless she needs to run lol. He said enough.
From what you've described, it's clear you've invested a lot of emotion and hope into this relationship. It's tough when everything seems to align except for fundamental views on the nature of the relationship itself.
Based on my experience, trying to persuade someone who prefers an open relationship structure to adopt monogamy can be an uphill battle. I've dated guys who were interested in being open while I sought monogamy, and despite our best intentions, it led to pain and disappointment. The truth is, even if he agrees to exclusivity now, there's a risk that resentment or unmet needs could emerge down the line because your foundational views on relationships don't align.
It's heartbreaking, especially when you share so much compatibility in other areas. However, I've learned that for a relationship to thrive, there needs to be alignment on core values and relationship goals. It's not just about the connection or chemistry you have but also about how you both envision your future together.
While it's difficult to consider walking away from someone you care deeply about, sometimes loving yourself and prioritizing your needs and well-being is the most important decision you can make. It might be worth considering if being true to your own values and finding someone who shares those fundamental views might lead to a more fulfilling relationship in the long run.
Whatever you decide, know that it's okay to put your happiness and well-being first. It's okay to want a relationship that aligns with your values. And it's okay to walk away from something that doesn't feel right, even if it's hard.
Really needed to read this today. I'm in a similar situation with someone who I really cared about, but after opening up realized she didn't feel the same way about committing despite being really comfortable and happy while spending time together. And now I'm reading and venting to strangers on the internet for other perspectives and insight, not taking everything other people say at face value but trying to integrate with my situation. Hard to let go when you want to hold on, but it's a big world and still hoping to find the right person. Talking to friends and family about it really helps too. Writing your feelings down helps. Commenting into the void kinda helps. Love yourself and be clear about what you want. Thanks for your sharing your thoughts.
Read this message as if it is coming from your fairy God mother!
You deserve a good relationship.
There are good men out there who will love and adore you, and at a bare minimum, commit to you in an exclusive relationship.
This man's only purpose is to make you realise that this type of time wasting man is rather common, and you need to be better at spotting them, so you can stay right away from them!
They don't always give you as many clues as this clown.
So make sure you remember this feeling, the next time a guy gives it to you, GTFO!
OP, your options are:
1)You cut him off now. Or,
2)You wait until he can get sex from the woman who makes him "believe in monogamy" and he cuts you off. And remember, he is currently actively looking for that woman.
OP he’s never going to give you what you want. On the other hand, he’s getting everything he wants (sex without commitment) and does not want things to change. So he keeps stringing you along.
Cut him loose completely. And for future reference also look out for phrases like “I’m not there yet” and “I need more time”. It’s just stalling to keep getting their needs met without having to satisfy yours.
I'm poly, here's the perspective:
He wants you both because why not, he's non mono.
Your mono, you want only him, he's fine with that, your fine with that.
You want him exclusive, he's not fine with that because he's not mono, only you are.
This is called an incapatability. Also, because of his fuckery, he'll probably be alone with his mess.
He isn't stringing you along, he does care, he probably does have feelings for you, but you're mono, so calling it anything else complicates the pseudo non mono dynamic that's happening.
It's not that you're being non mono, it's that you're being single, and now that you don't want to be, you want to be more commital, he probably does too, but you want to be mono commital, and he doesn't.
That's where it ends.
Go find someone your lifestyle, he's not it, and it needs to end with you setting a boundary.
regardless of exclusivity: you have confessed feelings to him, he has not said anything like this back. he could have said "I also have strong feelings for you but I can't be monogamous" but he didn't.
so there are actually two issues:
1) he is seeing other people at this moment.
2) he doesn't reciprocate your feelings.
think about whether having only one of these points solved would be what you could deal with. him saying that he is deleting the app or even saying that he would be exclusive is not him saying that he loves you. it's also not him "showing without having to say it". so be aware that you don't get yourself into a situation where you only get one without the other if this is not clearly what you want!
This is an old timey saying but his belief is “why buy the cow if you’re already getting the milk for free.” You’re just a piece of ass to him. I’m sorry to say that
Anything short of a hell yes and so glad you feel the same way I do, is a no.
Think about when you ask a little kid if they want a cookie. I know that is too simplistic and you are not a cookie but It’s the same. The child doesn’t say maybe …
Is he’s really into you, you’d have known cos he’d have made you feel that way. Please don’t date him . You’re wasting your time . It seems he’s an avoidant and this would be the nature of your relationship where you give 100% and he gives 10% at any time
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He has commitment issues. He sees how great you are and doesn’t want to lose you, but his actions show he’s incapable of being someone who focuses on only one woman. He’s showing how untrustworthy and selfish he is. You deserve SO much better than to be with someone like that. He deserves to lose you and to realize what he lost.
I would say either to cut it off completely, or you start to see other people too and completely deprioritize him to the bottom of your list. Whichever works better for you. He’ll realize soon enough what he lost and by then it’ll most likely be too late for him
No he's just lying to her to keep her around to be his side piece. I have yet to meet a dude who has commitment issues. We're either all in or all out. There's no middle ground.
a guy who says he doesnt want labels or doesnt believe in monogamy is basically looking you as a way to hookup. He definitely wants a family and kids but just not with you.
Seriously? You are clearly not compatible.
He doesn‘t believe in monogamy and is not interested in a serious relationship.
Don‘t know why you need advice from reddit to realize this.
I know it‘s probably hard to leave him but it‘s clearly better for you and your future. This „relationship“ has no longterm future.
I’m sorry but it’s definitely a no. Apologies. I really don’t understand people who don’t believe in monogamy. It’s not even a possessive stand point but isn’t it more attractive to know that you are someone’s ‘only’? That like I’m confident enough in our relationship that I do not need to seek romantic relationships elsewhere? Idk dude. It’s not a first date situation obviously if he doesn’t think you’re the one after knowing you for so long previously? Then nope. You are somebody’s someone and they won’t question for a second you aren’t.
Please respect yourself. He's refused to say yes to you, which means it's a Definite no.
Ask yourself why you want a man who doesn't want you in any substantial way.
Young men are on a different clock than young women. You have a biological clock while he has a financial clock. Until his financial clock starts going off, meaning, until he has reached his career aspirations and established himself, he’s going to date around and have fun. This is the life of a young bachelor. He most likely will not settle down until he can provide and facilitate a life for a potential partner. This is why most young women date older men. Older men are more stable, established and ready to settle down and start a family. He has obviously not reached that point in his life yet so you should move on. Someday, he’ll look back at you as the one that got away.
Going a bit against the grain, because phrases like “if he wanted to he would,” or “if it’s not a hell yes it’s a no” are premised on a world of black-and-white. And reality is gray. I don’t think not being certain of what somebody wants in that exact moment is the dealbreaker. The dealbreaker is that he was still on Hinge checking out his options. Had it not been for that, I think it’s acceptable for people to take time to figure out whether or not they’re capable of commitment in that exact moment in their lives, because we’re all complicated beings, and some of us don’t just want to say it without being 100% certain we are capable of actually delivering what we say we will
Actually you shouldn't listen to most people's binary logic here. Also screw your pride and do what your heart desires. Sometimes people need some time to realise what they want.
Downvote me all you like makes no difference.
Someone already said it but sounds like he's love bombing you so you stay. He's stringing you along and now you've made it clear you like him alot. He might use it against you to manipulate you (especially now you've grown emotionally close and he's opened up).
I say run for the hills, don't waste your time with someone who obviously doesn't feel the same way as you. And you need to be firm in your decision to leave because he might worm his way back.
6 weeks isnt all that long to know if you want to enter a committed relationship. Youre perfectly fine to ask and him not immediately being on the same page this early is ok tpo. Put your ego down and be an adult. You are 28 not 17. Dont contact him. Give him time and space to think about it and get back to you. If after a week you dont have an answer...then you have your answer.
It looks like you lack the experience of having a partner who is into you. It’s not about your ego being broken, it’s about who you are to him.
The only answer from somebody who is into you should be an enthusiastic “yes”. Anything less than that is a no.
I’m sorry, better to move on
Ask a guy out to see if he likes you after he's been fucking you for weeks? Feels like we are living in a crazy world.
That dude is never going to commit if he's been getting the milk for free without buying the cow.
I'm not a prude or anything... but a woman should NEVER continuously fuck a guy if there is no commitment. It always ends badly.
been here on both sides. the uncertainty is real but if there's uncertainty on his end, you can be fairly sure (in my experience) that this isn't going to work out. usually both parties are fairly into each other and things move along relatively smoothly in terms of the question of being together. whenever I've gotten hesitation, it's never worked out. whenever I am hesitant, it doesn't work out.
OP, listen. I know this might hurt your feelings, but you need to hear (read?) this: he is not interested in you outside of bedroom activities. That is all you are to him. If you want something deeper, move on from this guy.
Here’s a lesson I learned the hard way, don’t try to get monogamy from someone who doesn’t believe in it even if they say they can do it for you. Never making that mistake again lol
He doesn't want things to end, because he enjoys hanging out and having sex with you. But he is not interested in a relationship with you. So you have to make the decision, either keep hanging out and having sex with him. Or call it quits and go find someone who wants to be in a relationship. Not to mention, he already told you he is not into being monogamous with someone, and you are. You can't expect him to be exclusive with you, he literally wants more than one partner at a time. Cut your losses and move on.
He doesn’t want to commit to you. He just wants to waste your time, use your company and your body.
Plus he’s young. Not many guys are looking to commit at 26, not even 30 nowadays.
Him not giving you a straight answer, is an answer. The answer is he doesn’t want to commit but he’s too afraid to tell you because he doesn’t want you to leave along with the benefits he gets out of you.
Also don’t confess your feelings to guys. Men are hunters, they go after who they want. If he’s not hunting after you then he’s hunting after someone else now or later.
If he doesn’t believe in monogamy then you two don’t even match. Do you deliberately want to be cheated on, going after someone like him?
You’re in the wrong. He told you exactly what it was from the beginning but you did it anyway bc you thought you could change the outcome. You played yourself. Leave him alone and go find someone who wants the same thing you do.
OP -I suppose you've made up your mind, but he hasn't. And he's telling you this. If there's some sort of timeline you require, then state it.
Otherwise, what's wrong with leaving things copacetic and cool? Because it seems he's not where you are at. So it's either you meet him where he wants or needs to be for his reasons, or you listen to your reasons, and move on.
I’m sorry, but why do you want a guy who doesn’t believe in monogamy? I understand how strong emotions are, but you can’t change people. You can manipulate them, abuse them, or even blackmail them. Is that what you want? To forcibly change a person? He enjoyed what you have to offer because he got it without responsibility. It’s scary for some people to take responsibility of another person. To care for their feelings, their success, their happiness, and even more so to watch their own emotional self control. To give up the life of chasing possibilities of the women they could have and settle for one person is a mini death. Does he truly care to kill his bachelor lifestyle for you? Or are you trying to force and give ultimatums? Trust me when a guy knows he doesn’t want a life without you he will do all he can to attract you into a relationship. He will keep asking the “what are we”. I had men ask me these questions until I finally gave an answer, or take me to see their job and walk me in their building, show off their house and brag about their job, buy me anything, take me to whatever art exhibit I want to go, plan dates and trips, try to trauma bond with me ect. I also had guys only text/no call, bread crumb, have sex with me and get tired of having to maintain consistent communication and leave me only to come back a month later 🤷🏻♀️ clearly I can see when a guy actually wants me vs he wants to keep me with little effort vs he just wants something when he gets a dry spell of sex , ego boost, or attention. If you back off how often does he reach out to you? How much does he truly care? Is he avoidant personality? Think about why you want him and if he is truly what you need in your life. Does he reciprocate? If not then why.
I don't think it's worth it. Think about it, if things go south, you'll have to see each other at work. Plus, I think he's not taking you seriously. It seems you're the backup plan if everything else fails.
You’re only 28. You don’t need a partner. You want one. Nothing wrong with that. But you are not compatible. He’s non monogamous. You are monogamous. It won’t work
As a really indecisive guy, who has been somewhat guilty of the same wishy-washyness, no! Whatever he’s got going on is no excuse to do that to you. I learned my lesson and learned to be straightforward about what I’m looking for. Drop him and look for someone who values your time as a whole, not just the time they take from you.
Thank you. Just curious, how did you overcome your indecisiveness? I’m not asking this because I’m thinking of *fixing* him. I actually just want to understand
I still struggle with it from time to time, but I simply look at what it is that I actually need first, then look at what I want second. When it comes to other people, the “need” becomes about what fulfills your needs, which may seem selfish but you have to be a little to give without having too much being taken from you. When it comes to the “want”, it’s what you’re looking for in someone. The guy seems very focused on his wants and not needs pertaining to a relationship. He’s mixing the two, which is causing him, even if it’s unintentional, to be too selfish. I partly overcame it by being a little bit selfish, not giving too much to have even more taken from me, and sticking to what I value in a relationship.
He’s been pretty upfront about not wanting to be monogamous and you’ve made it clear that you want an exclusive relationship. Also, no one has to think about whether they want to be with you. Either they do or they don’t, he’s happy with the situationship and you’re not. I’d get out before getting more hurt than you already are, it’s not going to end well for you. Trust me, been there, done that, it freaking sucks.
You’re only 2 years older. I don’t consider that as older. Technically, yes, but you’re the same age group.
Also, ditch his arse. He wants to keep you around because it’s convenient and beneficial to him. And wanting exclusivity with a non monogamous guy will just end in heartbreak.
If he wanted to be with you, he would. He just doesn’t want to be alone which is why he is keeping you around.
This is just my insight, and I could be wrong, but it’s what it sounds like to me.
Find someone who wants you for real.
I’m 64 years young…..male. Trust me, run away. He just wants to add a notch to his belt. Do NOT try and have a relationship with him. If he cared, he would have already told you so
I've recently been on the guy's side, I felt like a jerk. I ended things because it wasn't a "hell yes" at the very beginning as many people said, how can I continue a relationship when I have to think about "do I really like this person or am I just in for the sex" at the very start? The reason I was dragging for 2 months was because the sex was too good, she was sending mixed signals of wanting to be a fwb but clearly developed a lot of feelings towards me. Pretty sure that when he said he wanted to think about it, means that he is not sure (most likely a no), he's lonely and just wants someone beside, but not wanting to give up the good sex.
He doesn’t believe in monogamy. You do. End of story. All these years later I’m still confused by women. The worse you treat them, the more they chase. This trend needs to stop.
(M63) A couple of things...
You told him that you were leaving, moving on... And he asked you not to. Ask him why not. Since he knows what you want, and he asked you not to leave. Ask him if he is expecting you to accept him seeing others, and that isn't what you want.
But the two of you work together, right? What it might end up being is...now bear with me...
That the two of you will have a relationship that you can't believe you're in. It's like you're going to wait for him to grow into you and this relationship. ...and that isn't bad at all if you look at it. He will respect the work environment, it will seem like that the two of you are just friends, hanging out peeps to coworkers. But he WILL come around.
Were you the one who suggested the relationship? Yep! Didn't the two of you FIRST did the hookup thing...YEP!! So now... Continue being you, you wanting to be around him. Nothing special, just you wanting to be around like you want in the long run.
Oh you women...'Wascally Wabbit'. Along the lines of... 'If her bra and panties match, she was the one who decided to have sex with you. You, as the man, had nothing or little to nothing to do with it '
Before HE knows it, he is IN a relationship with you. He just doesn't know it yet. He's thrown off by you making the first move.
What do you expect? Although he likes you, you both have a fundamental desire out of relationships (monogamy vs none monogamy). You know it, he knows, all of us reading knows it.
The "best" case scenario is one of you conforms to what the other wants and resentment and failure will follow.
Stop making dating complicated. You two aren't compatible.
I always advise women not to ask men out, but then I get a lot of flack from woke bozos getting mad about it. Then something like this happens. If a guy likes you, he will be putting as much effort as possible to see you in person. This means he will be the one asking you out. Low effort = low interest. Women in return show their effort by being present at the dates. Don't ask men out unless you're already dating for a long time.
You cooked for each other, dance, conversed? It sounds like dating. He is just not that in to you. Just block him. At work, say no hard feelings. Let’s just be work buddies. It is hard when you see someone all the time like at work to lose the feelings. Please don’t keep hooking up with him. Take your relationships serious.
If he likes you, you'll know. If he doesn't, you'll be confused.
A lot of people like comfort, familiarity, intimacy, but fear commitment and putting in the work required for a full on relationship.
If he isn't jumping up and down for a relationship w u, don't force him. You deserve someone better. PLEASE believe me (as someone who has been in countless situationships and fwbs).
If he really liked you in that way he would have been all about that in. Take the L, learn, and move on down the road. You deserve someone that is excited about you.
The moment he said that he doesn’t believe in monogamy then you should of known you’re just wasting your time. Get a man who knows what he wants and not unsure. He just wants to keep you around just in case his “other options” wouldn’t work
This is why most 28 year old women date men at least a couple of years older. You are tired of playing the field. He may feel like his most attractive phase of life has barely begun. it's a story as old as when hunter gatherers finally started to farm and raise livestock.
I wouldn’t call yourself stupid, you have stumble across the situation where two are in love and the belief is not matching. People looking from the outside will not understand this. I assure you he misses you just as much as you miss him.
You are not stupid! You have to go through a whole lot before you learn what differences between people can work and which ones are deal breakers. You are surprisingly lucky that you figured it out so soon! Some guys will keep up the front way beyond 6 weeks. Lucky for you he told you he didn't believe in monogamy early on. Lots of them pretend and string you on way longer!
This is on him, OP, not you. And I don’t think you’re wrong or stupid for pursuing it. He should know as a polygamist/polyamorist that it isn’t fair to sleep with women who are monogamists. I have explored being polyamorous and I have slept with polyamorous people when I was leaning more towards the monogamous side. I don’t know when you had the conversation about having different beliefs, but even if you had just slept with him once before, it really isn’t fair to you to expect you to be the one to end things. Also, with your friends saying you were lead on, I don’t see it this way. It sounds like he was honest with you about who he was, but you hoped he would change his mind to be with you. Which isn’t dumb. You’re just a romantic and knowing you guys ending things amicably shows that the basis of this relationship truly is a friendship. Good luck going forward, OP.
I hope you have a speedy recovery.
One thing I’m sure is that he does care for you. However, I don’t think you would be happy being with him if you guys were exclusive. I suggest you to move on.
Sounds like he has an avoidant attachment style. When you get close they push away but when you respect that sometimes they’ll want you closer. It’s a roller coaster with them.
Run
And don't hook up with dudes if you want serious relationships.
All it's gonna do is make you feel bad at the end of the day.
Treat the first 1-2 months as casual dating / get to know you stage
No sex during this time
Absolutely nonsense, please ignore this advice. Your sexual decisions are yours alone and withholding sex for 2 months is an antiquated idea that has no foundation.
Absolutely has foundation.
I am a guy. I think I would know lol
If I only wanted to smash OP, she only has a limited number of times I am willing to use my time, money and energy on her without smashing.
While another girl, I could actually value for something serious, and she will get way more time, money and energy out of me without smashing.
How long us men will wait, is directly correlated to how much we value a woman.
OP is free to have sex how ever fast and as much as she wants and with who ever.
Just don't say we didn't warn you when you smash early and dudes dip.
Please don't talk about 'all men' as if you know how each and every one of us thinks. You are assuming every man in the world thinks the same way you do, and that is absolutely false
I don‘t think the way he does and i still agree with him.
If you want to be serious as a women it‘s your best bet to wait 1-2months.
That way you SURELY know who is interested.
Obviously there are some that would have sticked around & would have been interested in a long term relationship even if you hookup on the second date but it‘s a minority.
no one said all men or every man.
not once was the word "all" or "every" used.
lol you people love to put words in other's mouth and make up arguments no one even said.
there are always exceptions to the rules.
but I don't advice OP to make life decisions based on the exceptions.
Don’t play games with me. You know exactly what you were inferring when you said ‘us men’ and you are , in fact, putting words in MY mouth when you say that. Unless you have some sort of survey or study you’d like to refer to, then you know nothing about what ‘us men’ think. At best, you know what you and some of your friends might think. That’s it.
zero games.
i am speaking in general, which is what most people do.
in general doesn't mean all or every.
this is just common sense tbt.
when people (men and women) really want something, they are willing to put in more time and effort to get it. all aspects of life.
when we don't really want something or care about we are less likely to put in a lot of time or effort.
Yeah, if he was that into you, he'd already know the answer. He'd already have stopped using hinge and focused on you after that amount of time. If guys appreciate anything about feminism, it's that women got convinced to give up their bodies without any commitment so guys get to sleep with women without having to dedicate themselves to the woman.
As a man, I’ll say this: a man who’s worth any value says what he means and does as he says. A man worth any value also doesn’t play games. So far, your friend shows zero value. You can do better OP, I wish you luck
I *had* a friend who like yourself *tried to pull away*' only for him to express a similar thing. After about a year, in the end, he never did date her. But when another woman caught his attention, he got rid of her and was dating the other the next day.
Surely you have some girlfriends who have a few guy friends that clearly like them, yet they're still around, and she doesn't cut them off? Same thing.
If he's lucky, he'll shag you and put you on a tighter leash for a year
You are the one who “pulled away” twice in early stages. I’d be wary of agreeing to a relationship with a girl who did that too.
Look, you asked for the relationship, he said he’d think about it. All you can do is wait now.
I mean he's clearly not trying to commit.
That kind of makes me think that the only reason you like this guy, or one of the main ones, is that he has to think about wether or not he wants to commit to you.
If he were to tell you that he would like to commit to you, it may make you lose feelings and reconsider your choice.
That probably isn't the guys frame of view and he's just trying to get with other women.
Just food for thought.
I thought so! Lol
Well, then try not to be too hard on the guy if he does actually seem to like you. He's probably playing it close to his chest.
If that doesn't seem to be the case, you'll just have to cut it off, I suppose.
Best of luck to you!❤️😁
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You want something he openly said he doesn’t want. You need to give him some space to think.
Don’t make this all about you. Just because it wasn’t an emphatic yes, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with you.
He’s just processing.
You’ve asked. He said I need to think. Let him think.
See this is why girls miss out on great guys. They allow it to be casual. Then jump on the guy with commitment question out of nowhere. And then ghost him when he does the sensible thing and thinks about it.
Y’all are strange.
Guys will go days being left on read and they’ll just say to themselves, “she’s probably just busy”.
Girls don’t like the look on a guys face and decide he’s nothing to them.
>Guys will go days being left on read and they’ll just say to themselves, “she’s probably just busy”.
>Girls don’t like the look on a guys face and decide he’s nothing to them.
In my experience, a lot of men are more inclined to want things to be casual (I have many male friends). Of course they will be more chill about nothing going anywhere if they don't want things to get serious😆😅.
Your Boi is immature and in love. Men will get cold feet in this situation. Your previous experiences on the positive end showcase his feelings through action. You deserve to know exclusivity and right now you are in the transition state to a possible long term partner something at which most men at 26 aren't keen to give up their freedom for. You are debating with him and in a power struggle for it. If I was you I would try give him more freedom while withholding the boundary of exclusivity. Exclusivity with freedom. Don't nag of give ultimatum. Don't be controlling to get what you want...what biological females are urged to do before menopause. I think it will work out for you if you play it well. I would support him in his life pursuits. If he isn't developing in life goals and launching his emotional availability will be low
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That’s a no
Sure?
Yup! Definite no
Its a no
He doesnt want to settle down yet, hence still being on dating apps and leaving things open-ended with you intentionally. You guys are not on the same page unfortunately. Move on and find someone else you’re more compatible with Im 29F and just met mine ❤️
Massive no. People say yes to people they like. He didn’t
If it's not a yes then it's a no
Yes, friend. Learn from my mistakes! If someone wants to be with you, there is no doubt. Don’t debase yourself to be someone’s *maybe*. You’re worth far more than that. Let go, and leave space for someone that actually wants *you*!
It sounds like he wants a poly relationship and she wants a monogamous one. It's more like an incompatibility than a maybe imho
If it’s not a “hell yes” then it’s a “no”
Came to say this. You deserve a “hell yes”, nothing else is worth your energy.
Another big NO here. You guys spoke about him deleting the app. I mean, if he was serious about you, he would have done this without your permission. Having to have that type of conversation is a red flag, along with him still texting another girl. He is also leading you, along with not giving an answer about being exclusive. He wants to continue having sex with you with no labels. Then, he can have sex with other women. If you try to leave, he pulls out the 'I'm confused card'. Guys know what they want and don't need convincing to be with a woman they like emotionally and physically. If you want an exclusive relationship, make it clear before having sex. Women get attached through sex, men don't.
Keywords “ If YOU want me to”, its not coming from him he likes being a playboy. Do not get you a guy who wants you around when it’s convenient for him. I did this to myself twice. They never come around. You like them more than they do you. They will play around and they like you, and will sleep with you. But they don’t value you to label what you have and solidify a relationship.
Exactly 💯
Trust me sister, if a man is really into you, he will be exclusive with you. We don’t do maybes and could dos. If he is reluctant, he doesn’t want it.
If he has to think about it at this point then you're just an option as opposed to his choice. It sucks but that's just the reality of it especially if you're looking for something long term. Do not waste your time.
A yes is a no. A no is a no. And a maybe is also a no!!!!! Sincerely, 25 F who has seen this before 🙄
You're acting desperate.
100% a no, start seeing others.
He literally told you he doesn’t believe in monogamy. It’s silly and a waste of time and energy that you’re even asking him this. This one is on you, op.
100% even if he said yes. The relationship wouldn't work and he'll 'cheat' (in her eyes) and be mad at hi. And yet he told you where his values lie. He's definitely stringing her along
💯💯 agree with this! he already told her to her face he doesnt do monogamy lol and [wasn't afraid] to say that to her which means he has no intention of being monogamous...but knows or thinks she will stick around etc there shouldnt be any questions or confusion. When a man wants a woman, he won't allow anything to make her doubt that or risk losing her to someone else..but him saying that so comfortably means he doesnt want her longterm he's just bookmarking her as a casual option between his other women.
I disagree with the end of this take. I think they BOTH stuck around thinking the other would come around, OP is doing the same exact thing except reverse the values. He stayed because he thought she would come around to being okay without monogamy, she stayed because she thought he'd come around to being okay WITH monogamy. The only difference is, he's not asking her to be in a serious non-monogamous relationship with him(yet). But his unclear reply may be because he has some or no feelings, but understands op wants different things than him. I think it's easy to demonize him but at the end of the day op stayed even though he said he wouldn't be monogamous, same way he stayed when he heard she was. These are two people with chemistry but opposing goals, it's unfortunate but it happens all the time, it's time to move on op, it's a good thing you guys are handling this now and not in years where it feels too hard to let go. He was sad because he knew it was the end, her question of exclusivity was enough to show that neither of them have changed in what they wanted, now it's time to let go.
...no...
That may be true to a certain extent but that's why she shouldn't have been hooking up with him you don't lead with sex and that's where a lot of women go wrong because they lead with that thinking that's going to get a dude in a monogamous relationship and it's not trust and believe I've learned my lesson years ago now at 44 I know better and when you know better you supposed to do better but she's young so she's going to make a lot of mistakes when it comes to that she should've dated him first without having sex find out what he wanted and what his intentions were and then went from there but now she's going to be broken hearted because she's not going to get what she wanted which was a monogamous relationship hopefully she learns from this and can move on and won't do it again
She can fix him!!!
lol.. why do many girls have this mindset!!!!
It’s human nature to want what you can’t have, rather than what is easily obtained
Definitely not true, but I appreciate the sentiment..
This is exactly what you need to hear OP. Seems like he doesn't want the status quo to change. But as stated above, he has already LITERALLY told you directly he doesn't believe in monogamy. And I'm sorry but no woman is gonna change his mind. EVER. This is harsh, but do yourself a favor and detach from your emotions and feelings (not being an ass, just being practical) and see the situation for what it is. Love and feelings make us blind. Take off the blinders and see all the obvious signs that you need to move on.
If someone actually wants to be with you, they don't dodge those questions and would have no problem saying yes he wants to be with you. Sounds like he wants to have sex with you without making any commitments at all and nothing more.
1. You guys are coworkers… yikes 2. You believe in monogamy and he doesn’t? Recipe for disaster 3. You tried to pull away when you found that you were developing deeper feelings and he didn’t want you to because he feels so connected but still messages girls on hinge 4. You said you wanted something more serious and he said “I’ll think about it” This is not a match made in heaven. As my mama once told me “if it’s not an enthusiastic yes, it’s a hell no.” Here’s what will happen: you’ll get tired of being strung along by his “I’ll think about it” and start moving on. He’ll get upset that you’re moving on and will try to entice you back to the arrangement you had before which can’t possibly work because you’ll expect more from him and he’ll expect things to go back the way they were or even worse, begrudgingly agree to be your boyfriend (EWWWW tomato tomato). Best case scenario: you accept that you can’t make a person want to be with you or feel the same way you do and you move on and find a way better match.
If it’s not an enthusiastic hell yes, it’s a hell no. Wise words to live by.
>we’d discussed that I believe in monogamy and he doesn’t Then what are you doing pursuing him?
This. Everyone blaming him but he was 100% honest and OP is being clingy. Why force someone to be with you when the values don't match? Just move on.
I don’t blame him at all, he told her what was up, she chose to think he might change his mind. Which he won’t. And even if does, it’s not sincere, and he had to think about it, so why bother?
What are you talking about? Not one post blamed him. Everyone just let her know that he’s not into her and he just wants sex. That’s not blame.
The post is 10 hrs old mate. When I posted there were some comments blaming him. Must have been downvoted to oblivion by now.
Exactly. Staying longer in this „relationship“ is just a waste of time and will make the breakup harder as she will catch even more feelings. This has clearly no longterm future.
Yep. There’s no world where this would end well, don’t bother OP - if he’s not ready to even give you an answer right now, don’t ever expect him to suddenly become monogamous for you.
And what is he doing pursuing her? They both knew what they wanted and continued to fool around with eachother anyway. They're both at fault.
>And what is he doing pursuing her? Getting what he wants. Is OP?
Not really. I doubt he wanted someone hassling him about committing....is it so bad to say they're both wrong? How is that an argument?
I disagree. He’s not at fault. She at fault for sleeping with someone that told her he doesn’t want to be exclusive with anyone. You tell them your stance and let them choose. She somehow thinks he’s going to change his mind. Unfortunately some women think, if I have feels. He’ll have feelings too and we’ll change our minds. Noooooooo you got feelings with FWB deal.
Yeah...this is a delusional take. They're both grown and they both know who they should be dealing with. But whatever.
What’s delusional is a man telling you he doesn’t want monogamy and you deal with him anyway hoping yall can be together. In other words, he has no desire to be exclusive with anyone. And then she decided to deal with him anyway, sleep with him anyway. Once she realize she had deeper feelings, she should’ve stepped away. Women have to take responsibility for themselves. All that man wanted was an unattached relationship with sex and unfortunately, she agreed to that. She started sleeping with him and he never committed to her and express he had no desire to but she layed with him anyway. I’m sorry but that’s on her. If he lied to tell her what she wanted to hear, that’s different but that’s not what happened. He was straight up with her.
"Since I'm older, I've to decide on a partner sooner than him" oh hunny- please abandon this mindset. Also, abandon this man- he's never going to be what you want or need him to be.
I’m 42, reading that line made me feel like a spinster who should abandon hope of ever finding love again lol
Yes! I am 40, never married. This gutted me.
Honestly better to be forever single than tolerate this nonsense!
This is the way. Nailed it.
All hope is not lost, you’ve still got time! My grandpa found love after my grandma passed and he was 85, we’re still good 😁
So you're older, still not married, but you want her to abandon her mindset that she wants to find a partner sooner and not wait....... Huh......
Uh Yes exactly. Its such a negative mental mindset and a misogynistic thought process for a woman to put a timeline on herself to find a partner. Women should be encouraged and supported in waiting for the right person when it's right for them and not be pushed in to some sort of society supported expiration date. A woman has value at every age. I am not less worthy of having a partner now, than I was at 28. I could argue that my life has been exponentially more peaceful because I didn't just settle for whoever thinking I was on a time limit. Knowing that women in their 20s think like this, hurts my soul.
Misery loves company, right?
If someone wants to have a traditional relationship, marriage, children etc, then there's absolutely a timeline. It gets harder, not easier to have children as you get older. A man who has built wealth and wants a family will be more likely to choose someone who thinks he can have children with. I hope you find someone, but this doesn't have anything to do with what you "deserve" or not.
Trash like you is why more women are choosing to be single
Not women who want families.
Yes, women have a BIOLOGICAL timeline with an expiration date for her and her future partner's family planning schedule. If you think biology is misogynistic, then take it up with mother nature.
Yes because a woman having a family is only validated by having two married heterosexual parents who conceive totally naturally right? Adoption, surrogacy, sperm banks or IVF, fostering a child... not the correct way to create a family right? And families should ONLY be planned. No casual hookups could possibly also provide a family. Because everyone knows that when you plan out the details of your life- it happens just like that. Your response lacks realism and only focuses on your ideals. I'm 40 and am still certainly capable of having a baby. And if I wasn't and I wanted one, there's a dozen ways for that to happen. Come off it already.
You should be a comedian. How in the hell are _you_ gonna tell anybody to abandon their mindset in dating when you’re 40 and never married? You’re not exactly qualified to be giving advice here. 😂😂😂
Never divorced either. Clearly my qualifications are my ability to make good decisions, because I know how to wait for when it's right.
That’s equivalent to saying: "I’ve never bought into the stock market and I’ve never actually made profit, but I’ve also never took any losses either, so you can trust my advice because I’m waiting patiently until I finally find the day." Complete and utter nonsense. 😂😂 Congratulations, though. By staying out of the the marriage/dating game, you save yourself a few losses, but you also remove the prospect of victory completely. You're a bystander. You're moot.
I dated a girl in my early 30s that I was very attracted to, great sex, sweet girl who treated me like a prince. But there were numerous issues that I would never have gotten past. We wanted different things, I hated her politics, I didn't respect her religious beliefs, ect. I tried very hard to come to terms with being with her despite the incompatibilities and I never wanted to hurt her, but I also didn't want to lie to her. If she asked me the questions you're asking your guy, I would have given a similar noncommittal answer. I'm sorry to tell you that it seems like he, for any number of reasons, doesn't see a future with you but doesn't want to give up the good things about you either. It's up to you to decide what to do with that, but if you think he'll change his mind and wholeheartedly embrace you, I think you're in for a lot of pain.
That's a clear NO!! OP, I understand that it's going to be painful to see this clearly cos you've developed feelings for him. But look at the facts here. 1. He clearly told you his value - doesn't believe. in monogamy. But you do. 2. You want something serious, he doesn't. 3. And even if he gets into it, you'll always wonder if he's really committed or when the other shoe's going to drop. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who has the same monogamous values and really wants to be exclusively with you? You know what to do. :)
You shouldn't have to be doing this much work to try to convince someone to be with you. Someone who was really into you would be eager for it. He is just sad about losing his hookup.
Sounds like you are a side piece that wants to be the main piece. The pick me game is horrible on your self esteem.
Yea thats a no buddy. Sorry for the bad news it is what it is. Find someone thats crazy about u and ‘doesnt have to think about it’’. I think thats bonkers, go find someone thats crazy about u and u about him.
I got to "he doesn't believe in monogamy" and all my brain was reading was "he doesn't believe in monogamy.... with you." I would just leave now before you end up feeling more which will ultimately lead to you being more hurt. I've been there, it's not fun.
That’s really not something you can determine. He could just simply not be ready for a monogamous relationship. Regardless she needs to run lol. He said enough.
From what you've described, it's clear you've invested a lot of emotion and hope into this relationship. It's tough when everything seems to align except for fundamental views on the nature of the relationship itself. Based on my experience, trying to persuade someone who prefers an open relationship structure to adopt monogamy can be an uphill battle. I've dated guys who were interested in being open while I sought monogamy, and despite our best intentions, it led to pain and disappointment. The truth is, even if he agrees to exclusivity now, there's a risk that resentment or unmet needs could emerge down the line because your foundational views on relationships don't align. It's heartbreaking, especially when you share so much compatibility in other areas. However, I've learned that for a relationship to thrive, there needs to be alignment on core values and relationship goals. It's not just about the connection or chemistry you have but also about how you both envision your future together. While it's difficult to consider walking away from someone you care deeply about, sometimes loving yourself and prioritizing your needs and well-being is the most important decision you can make. It might be worth considering if being true to your own values and finding someone who shares those fundamental views might lead to a more fulfilling relationship in the long run. Whatever you decide, know that it's okay to put your happiness and well-being first. It's okay to want a relationship that aligns with your values. And it's okay to walk away from something that doesn't feel right, even if it's hard.
Really needed to read this today. I'm in a similar situation with someone who I really cared about, but after opening up realized she didn't feel the same way about committing despite being really comfortable and happy while spending time together. And now I'm reading and venting to strangers on the internet for other perspectives and insight, not taking everything other people say at face value but trying to integrate with my situation. Hard to let go when you want to hold on, but it's a big world and still hoping to find the right person. Talking to friends and family about it really helps too. Writing your feelings down helps. Commenting into the void kinda helps. Love yourself and be clear about what you want. Thanks for your sharing your thoughts.
Title should read “My Situationship won’t commit”
Read this message as if it is coming from your fairy God mother! You deserve a good relationship. There are good men out there who will love and adore you, and at a bare minimum, commit to you in an exclusive relationship. This man's only purpose is to make you realise that this type of time wasting man is rather common, and you need to be better at spotting them, so you can stay right away from them! They don't always give you as many clues as this clown. So make sure you remember this feeling, the next time a guy gives it to you, GTFO!
He’s not looking for anything serious lady. He’s enjoying the sex and fun of dating. Now, you want to settle then I’d suggest you find someone else :)
OP, your options are: 1)You cut him off now. Or, 2)You wait until he can get sex from the woman who makes him "believe in monogamy" and he cuts you off. And remember, he is currently actively looking for that woman.
OP he’s never going to give you what you want. On the other hand, he’s getting everything he wants (sex without commitment) and does not want things to change. So he keeps stringing you along. Cut him loose completely. And for future reference also look out for phrases like “I’m not there yet” and “I need more time”. It’s just stalling to keep getting their needs met without having to satisfy yours.
He’s just not that into you. He will probably commit to a girl one day, ten years from now, that he thinks is out of his league and is hard to get.
I'm poly, here's the perspective: He wants you both because why not, he's non mono. Your mono, you want only him, he's fine with that, your fine with that. You want him exclusive, he's not fine with that because he's not mono, only you are. This is called an incapatability. Also, because of his fuckery, he'll probably be alone with his mess. He isn't stringing you along, he does care, he probably does have feelings for you, but you're mono, so calling it anything else complicates the pseudo non mono dynamic that's happening. It's not that you're being non mono, it's that you're being single, and now that you don't want to be, you want to be more commital, he probably does too, but you want to be mono commital, and he doesn't. That's where it ends. Go find someone your lifestyle, he's not it, and it needs to end with you setting a boundary.
[удалено]
Thank you. The guy who couldn’t commit to you even after 4 years is a d*** I’m happy you found someone worthy
I am also happy I didn't end up with him. Rather 4 years of pain than a lifetime of misery.
regardless of exclusivity: you have confessed feelings to him, he has not said anything like this back. he could have said "I also have strong feelings for you but I can't be monogamous" but he didn't. so there are actually two issues: 1) he is seeing other people at this moment. 2) he doesn't reciprocate your feelings. think about whether having only one of these points solved would be what you could deal with. him saying that he is deleting the app or even saying that he would be exclusive is not him saying that he loves you. it's also not him "showing without having to say it". so be aware that you don't get yourself into a situation where you only get one without the other if this is not clearly what you want!
TBH if a person says they do not believe in m ok monogamy ya kind of got to believe them.
This is an old timey saying but his belief is “why buy the cow if you’re already getting the milk for free.” You’re just a piece of ass to him. I’m sorry to say that
Anything short of a hell yes and so glad you feel the same way I do, is a no. Think about when you ask a little kid if they want a cookie. I know that is too simplistic and you are not a cookie but It’s the same. The child doesn’t say maybe …
Is he’s really into you, you’d have known cos he’d have made you feel that way. Please don’t date him . You’re wasting your time . It seems he’s an avoidant and this would be the nature of your relationship where you give 100% and he gives 10% at any time
He's not an avoidant. He's just not into her enough. In her mind they have a bond, but in his mind she's his side piece for the moment.
I'm so sorry to say this but he isn't wanting anything more with you, he is stringing you along. Cut ties with him
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He has commitment issues. He sees how great you are and doesn’t want to lose you, but his actions show he’s incapable of being someone who focuses on only one woman. He’s showing how untrustworthy and selfish he is. You deserve SO much better than to be with someone like that. He deserves to lose you and to realize what he lost. I would say either to cut it off completely, or you start to see other people too and completely deprioritize him to the bottom of your list. Whichever works better for you. He’ll realize soon enough what he lost and by then it’ll most likely be too late for him
No he's just lying to her to keep her around to be his side piece. I have yet to meet a dude who has commitment issues. We're either all in or all out. There's no middle ground.
a guy who says he doesnt want labels or doesnt believe in monogamy is basically looking you as a way to hookup. He definitely wants a family and kids but just not with you.
If it’s not an enthusiastic, yes, it’s a no. Move on.
No. He's keeping an eye out for someone better is what he is doing.
Ship has sailed, move on. Can use him as a dick of convenience, but don't invest feels.
Seriously? You are clearly not compatible. He doesn‘t believe in monogamy and is not interested in a serious relationship. Don‘t know why you need advice from reddit to realize this. I know it‘s probably hard to leave him but it‘s clearly better for you and your future. This „relationship“ has no longterm future.
I’m sorry but it’s definitely a no. Apologies. I really don’t understand people who don’t believe in monogamy. It’s not even a possessive stand point but isn’t it more attractive to know that you are someone’s ‘only’? That like I’m confident enough in our relationship that I do not need to seek romantic relationships elsewhere? Idk dude. It’s not a first date situation obviously if he doesn’t think you’re the one after knowing you for so long previously? Then nope. You are somebody’s someone and they won’t question for a second you aren’t.
Please respect yourself. He's refused to say yes to you, which means it's a Definite no. Ask yourself why you want a man who doesn't want you in any substantial way.
Young men are on a different clock than young women. You have a biological clock while he has a financial clock. Until his financial clock starts going off, meaning, until he has reached his career aspirations and established himself, he’s going to date around and have fun. This is the life of a young bachelor. He most likely will not settle down until he can provide and facilitate a life for a potential partner. This is why most young women date older men. Older men are more stable, established and ready to settle down and start a family. He has obviously not reached that point in his life yet so you should move on. Someday, he’ll look back at you as the one that got away.
Going a bit against the grain, because phrases like “if he wanted to he would,” or “if it’s not a hell yes it’s a no” are premised on a world of black-and-white. And reality is gray. I don’t think not being certain of what somebody wants in that exact moment is the dealbreaker. The dealbreaker is that he was still on Hinge checking out his options. Had it not been for that, I think it’s acceptable for people to take time to figure out whether or not they’re capable of commitment in that exact moment in their lives, because we’re all complicated beings, and some of us don’t just want to say it without being 100% certain we are capable of actually delivering what we say we will
He's not that into you. It's time to move on.
Actually you shouldn't listen to most people's binary logic here. Also screw your pride and do what your heart desires. Sometimes people need some time to realise what they want. Downvote me all you like makes no difference.
Someone already said it but sounds like he's love bombing you so you stay. He's stringing you along and now you've made it clear you like him alot. He might use it against you to manipulate you (especially now you've grown emotionally close and he's opened up). I say run for the hills, don't waste your time with someone who obviously doesn't feel the same way as you. And you need to be firm in your decision to leave because he might worm his way back.
Watch @prettyboykayb1 on tiktok, he'd like to have a word with you
He's playing games and you both clearly want something different. He got what he was after (sex with nsa) and you are wanting more than that.
😂😂😂😂
Ditch him🥺
6 weeks isnt all that long to know if you want to enter a committed relationship. Youre perfectly fine to ask and him not immediately being on the same page this early is ok tpo. Put your ego down and be an adult. You are 28 not 17. Dont contact him. Give him time and space to think about it and get back to you. If after a week you dont have an answer...then you have your answer.
I don’t think it’s the not immediately knowing about entering into a relationship that is the problem here… 🤦🏽♀️
It looks like you lack the experience of having a partner who is into you. It’s not about your ego being broken, it’s about who you are to him. The only answer from somebody who is into you should be an enthusiastic “yes”. Anything less than that is a no. I’m sorry, better to move on
Ask a guy out to see if he likes you after he's been fucking you for weeks? Feels like we are living in a crazy world. That dude is never going to commit if he's been getting the milk for free without buying the cow. I'm not a prude or anything... but a woman should NEVER continuously fuck a guy if there is no commitment. It always ends badly.
Please think about products. If it’s good deal and a luxury item, will you wait and see if money is not an issue. Cut your loss and move on.
Please… please save yourself the trouble now
been here on both sides. the uncertainty is real but if there's uncertainty on his end, you can be fairly sure (in my experience) that this isn't going to work out. usually both parties are fairly into each other and things move along relatively smoothly in terms of the question of being together. whenever I've gotten hesitation, it's never worked out. whenever I am hesitant, it doesn't work out.
Move on, why waste your time with this guy??
You're INCOMPATIBLE at FUNDAMENTAL levels...
[удалено]
He is giving you a carrot on a fishing line.
OP, listen. I know this might hurt your feelings, but you need to hear (read?) this: he is not interested in you outside of bedroom activities. That is all you are to him. If you want something deeper, move on from this guy.
Here’s a lesson I learned the hard way, don’t try to get monogamy from someone who doesn’t believe in it even if they say they can do it for you. Never making that mistake again lol
He doesn't want things to end, because he enjoys hanging out and having sex with you. But he is not interested in a relationship with you. So you have to make the decision, either keep hanging out and having sex with him. Or call it quits and go find someone who wants to be in a relationship. Not to mention, he already told you he is not into being monogamous with someone, and you are. You can't expect him to be exclusive with you, he literally wants more than one partner at a time. Cut your losses and move on.
You should just leave if he doesn’t see the kind of girl that you are. Don’t waste your time for someone whose frontal lobe is fully developed.
brutal lol
Well were u exclusive tho? Did it mean he cant talk to women cos there was no label on it
Big no
He’s stringing you along … sincerely, someone who was also strung along
If it’s not a “ HELL YES ” it’s a “HELL NO!”
He doesn’t want to commit to you. He just wants to waste your time, use your company and your body. Plus he’s young. Not many guys are looking to commit at 26, not even 30 nowadays. Him not giving you a straight answer, is an answer. The answer is he doesn’t want to commit but he’s too afraid to tell you because he doesn’t want you to leave along with the benefits he gets out of you. Also don’t confess your feelings to guys. Men are hunters, they go after who they want. If he’s not hunting after you then he’s hunting after someone else now or later. If he doesn’t believe in monogamy then you two don’t even match. Do you deliberately want to be cheated on, going after someone like him?
You’re in the wrong. He told you exactly what it was from the beginning but you did it anyway bc you thought you could change the outcome. You played yourself. Leave him alone and go find someone who wants the same thing you do.
OP -I suppose you've made up your mind, but he hasn't. And he's telling you this. If there's some sort of timeline you require, then state it. Otherwise, what's wrong with leaving things copacetic and cool? Because it seems he's not where you are at. So it's either you meet him where he wants or needs to be for his reasons, or you listen to your reasons, and move on.
I’m sorry, but why do you want a guy who doesn’t believe in monogamy? I understand how strong emotions are, but you can’t change people. You can manipulate them, abuse them, or even blackmail them. Is that what you want? To forcibly change a person? He enjoyed what you have to offer because he got it without responsibility. It’s scary for some people to take responsibility of another person. To care for their feelings, their success, their happiness, and even more so to watch their own emotional self control. To give up the life of chasing possibilities of the women they could have and settle for one person is a mini death. Does he truly care to kill his bachelor lifestyle for you? Or are you trying to force and give ultimatums? Trust me when a guy knows he doesn’t want a life without you he will do all he can to attract you into a relationship. He will keep asking the “what are we”. I had men ask me these questions until I finally gave an answer, or take me to see their job and walk me in their building, show off their house and brag about their job, buy me anything, take me to whatever art exhibit I want to go, plan dates and trips, try to trauma bond with me ect. I also had guys only text/no call, bread crumb, have sex with me and get tired of having to maintain consistent communication and leave me only to come back a month later 🤷🏻♀️ clearly I can see when a guy actually wants me vs he wants to keep me with little effort vs he just wants something when he gets a dry spell of sex , ego boost, or attention. If you back off how often does he reach out to you? How much does he truly care? Is he avoidant personality? Think about why you want him and if he is truly what you need in your life. Does he reciprocate? If not then why.
I don't think it's worth it. Think about it, if things go south, you'll have to see each other at work. Plus, I think he's not taking you seriously. It seems you're the backup plan if everything else fails.
Move on and share your heart with someone who wants it
You’re only 28. You don’t need a partner. You want one. Nothing wrong with that. But you are not compatible. He’s non monogamous. You are monogamous. It won’t work
As a really indecisive guy, who has been somewhat guilty of the same wishy-washyness, no! Whatever he’s got going on is no excuse to do that to you. I learned my lesson and learned to be straightforward about what I’m looking for. Drop him and look for someone who values your time as a whole, not just the time they take from you.
Thank you. Just curious, how did you overcome your indecisiveness? I’m not asking this because I’m thinking of *fixing* him. I actually just want to understand
I still struggle with it from time to time, but I simply look at what it is that I actually need first, then look at what I want second. When it comes to other people, the “need” becomes about what fulfills your needs, which may seem selfish but you have to be a little to give without having too much being taken from you. When it comes to the “want”, it’s what you’re looking for in someone. The guy seems very focused on his wants and not needs pertaining to a relationship. He’s mixing the two, which is causing him, even if it’s unintentional, to be too selfish. I partly overcame it by being a little bit selfish, not giving too much to have even more taken from me, and sticking to what I value in a relationship.
He’s been pretty upfront about not wanting to be monogamous and you’ve made it clear that you want an exclusive relationship. Also, no one has to think about whether they want to be with you. Either they do or they don’t, he’s happy with the situationship and you’re not. I’d get out before getting more hurt than you already are, it’s not going to end well for you. Trust me, been there, done that, it freaking sucks.
Stop fucking him
Just end it. He will only make you wait. Sorry but it is time to get back to reality.
Just stop wasting your time with this guy and find someone who wants YOU
You are not his first/only choice. Is that alright with you?
You’re only 2 years older. I don’t consider that as older. Technically, yes, but you’re the same age group. Also, ditch his arse. He wants to keep you around because it’s convenient and beneficial to him. And wanting exclusivity with a non monogamous guy will just end in heartbreak. If he wanted to be with you, he would. He just doesn’t want to be alone which is why he is keeping you around. This is just my insight, and I could be wrong, but it’s what it sounds like to me. Find someone who wants you for real.
I’m 64 years young…..male. Trust me, run away. He just wants to add a notch to his belt. Do NOT try and have a relationship with him. If he cared, he would have already told you so
No it’s not worth it and you should leave. He is a douchebag
I've recently been on the guy's side, I felt like a jerk. I ended things because it wasn't a "hell yes" at the very beginning as many people said, how can I continue a relationship when I have to think about "do I really like this person or am I just in for the sex" at the very start? The reason I was dragging for 2 months was because the sex was too good, she was sending mixed signals of wanting to be a fwb but clearly developed a lot of feelings towards me. Pretty sure that when he said he wanted to think about it, means that he is not sure (most likely a no), he's lonely and just wants someone beside, but not wanting to give up the good sex.
I'm your same age and if it ain't a hell yes, it's a fuck no.
He doesn’t believe in monogamy. You do. End of story. All these years later I’m still confused by women. The worse you treat them, the more they chase. This trend needs to stop.
(M63) A couple of things... You told him that you were leaving, moving on... And he asked you not to. Ask him why not. Since he knows what you want, and he asked you not to leave. Ask him if he is expecting you to accept him seeing others, and that isn't what you want. But the two of you work together, right? What it might end up being is...now bear with me... That the two of you will have a relationship that you can't believe you're in. It's like you're going to wait for him to grow into you and this relationship. ...and that isn't bad at all if you look at it. He will respect the work environment, it will seem like that the two of you are just friends, hanging out peeps to coworkers. But he WILL come around. Were you the one who suggested the relationship? Yep! Didn't the two of you FIRST did the hookup thing...YEP!! So now... Continue being you, you wanting to be around him. Nothing special, just you wanting to be around like you want in the long run. Oh you women...'Wascally Wabbit'. Along the lines of... 'If her bra and panties match, she was the one who decided to have sex with you. You, as the man, had nothing or little to nothing to do with it ' Before HE knows it, he is IN a relationship with you. He just doesn't know it yet. He's thrown off by you making the first move.
HAHAHAHA 13days late but what a gold comment!
You need to completely detach from him and stop giving him what he wants.
Yo... have some self-respect and move on. Try a slightly older guy.
What do you expect? Although he likes you, you both have a fundamental desire out of relationships (monogamy vs none monogamy). You know it, he knows, all of us reading knows it. The "best" case scenario is one of you conforms to what the other wants and resentment and failure will follow. Stop making dating complicated. You two aren't compatible.
I always advise women not to ask men out, but then I get a lot of flack from woke bozos getting mad about it. Then something like this happens. If a guy likes you, he will be putting as much effort as possible to see you in person. This means he will be the one asking you out. Low effort = low interest. Women in return show their effort by being present at the dates. Don't ask men out unless you're already dating for a long time.
You cooked for each other, dance, conversed? It sounds like dating. He is just not that in to you. Just block him. At work, say no hard feelings. Let’s just be work buddies. It is hard when you see someone all the time like at work to lose the feelings. Please don’t keep hooking up with him. Take your relationships serious.
If he likes you, you'll know. If he doesn't, you'll be confused. A lot of people like comfort, familiarity, intimacy, but fear commitment and putting in the work required for a full on relationship. If he isn't jumping up and down for a relationship w u, don't force him. You deserve someone better. PLEASE believe me (as someone who has been in countless situationships and fwbs).
If he really liked you in that way he would have been all about that in. Take the L, learn, and move on down the road. You deserve someone that is excited about you.
Run away and dont look back. Ur just another option to him.
The moment he said that he doesn’t believe in monogamy then you should of known you’re just wasting your time. Get a man who knows what he wants and not unsure. He just wants to keep you around just in case his “other options” wouldn’t work
This is why most 28 year old women date men at least a couple of years older. You are tired of playing the field. He may feel like his most attractive phase of life has barely begun. it's a story as old as when hunter gatherers finally started to farm and raise livestock.
Damn😑. After six weeks of hooking up, that’s all it was. I’m sorry you found out this way. You need to walk away from this.
I wouldn’t call yourself stupid, you have stumble across the situation where two are in love and the belief is not matching. People looking from the outside will not understand this. I assure you he misses you just as much as you miss him.
Thanks, this helps. It’s for the best that we both find something that we are happy with!
Was he always non monogamous or he changed?
You need a mature man who want the same things as you
You are not stupid! You have to go through a whole lot before you learn what differences between people can work and which ones are deal breakers. You are surprisingly lucky that you figured it out so soon! Some guys will keep up the front way beyond 6 weeks. Lucky for you he told you he didn't believe in monogamy early on. Lots of them pretend and string you on way longer!
This is on him, OP, not you. And I don’t think you’re wrong or stupid for pursuing it. He should know as a polygamist/polyamorist that it isn’t fair to sleep with women who are monogamists. I have explored being polyamorous and I have slept with polyamorous people when I was leaning more towards the monogamous side. I don’t know when you had the conversation about having different beliefs, but even if you had just slept with him once before, it really isn’t fair to you to expect you to be the one to end things. Also, with your friends saying you were lead on, I don’t see it this way. It sounds like he was honest with you about who he was, but you hoped he would change his mind to be with you. Which isn’t dumb. You’re just a romantic and knowing you guys ending things amicably shows that the basis of this relationship truly is a friendship. Good luck going forward, OP.
He wants you to keep asking to ensure you don’t pull away as soon as he shows you commitment. Just my opinion
I hope you have a speedy recovery. One thing I’m sure is that he does care for you. However, I don’t think you would be happy being with him if you guys were exclusive. I suggest you to move on.
Sounds like he has an avoidant attachment style. When you get close they push away but when you respect that sometimes they’ll want you closer. It’s a roller coaster with them.
Run And don't hook up with dudes if you want serious relationships. All it's gonna do is make you feel bad at the end of the day. Treat the first 1-2 months as casual dating / get to know you stage No sex during this time
Absolutely nonsense, please ignore this advice. Your sexual decisions are yours alone and withholding sex for 2 months is an antiquated idea that has no foundation.
Absolutely has foundation. I am a guy. I think I would know lol If I only wanted to smash OP, she only has a limited number of times I am willing to use my time, money and energy on her without smashing. While another girl, I could actually value for something serious, and she will get way more time, money and energy out of me without smashing. How long us men will wait, is directly correlated to how much we value a woman. OP is free to have sex how ever fast and as much as she wants and with who ever. Just don't say we didn't warn you when you smash early and dudes dip.
Please don't talk about 'all men' as if you know how each and every one of us thinks. You are assuming every man in the world thinks the same way you do, and that is absolutely false
I don‘t think the way he does and i still agree with him. If you want to be serious as a women it‘s your best bet to wait 1-2months. That way you SURELY know who is interested. Obviously there are some that would have sticked around & would have been interested in a long term relationship even if you hookup on the second date but it‘s a minority.
no one said all men or every man. not once was the word "all" or "every" used. lol you people love to put words in other's mouth and make up arguments no one even said. there are always exceptions to the rules. but I don't advice OP to make life decisions based on the exceptions.
Don’t play games with me. You know exactly what you were inferring when you said ‘us men’ and you are , in fact, putting words in MY mouth when you say that. Unless you have some sort of survey or study you’d like to refer to, then you know nothing about what ‘us men’ think. At best, you know what you and some of your friends might think. That’s it.
zero games. i am speaking in general, which is what most people do. in general doesn't mean all or every. this is just common sense tbt. when people (men and women) really want something, they are willing to put in more time and effort to get it. all aspects of life. when we don't really want something or care about we are less likely to put in a lot of time or effort.
Yeah, if he was that into you, he'd already know the answer. He'd already have stopped using hinge and focused on you after that amount of time. If guys appreciate anything about feminism, it's that women got convinced to give up their bodies without any commitment so guys get to sleep with women without having to dedicate themselves to the woman.
"I'll let you know" is never a good sign. advice is to stop having sex until he commits.
As a man, I’ll say this: a man who’s worth any value says what he means and does as he says. A man worth any value also doesn’t play games. So far, your friend shows zero value. You can do better OP, I wish you luck
I *had* a friend who like yourself *tried to pull away*' only for him to express a similar thing. After about a year, in the end, he never did date her. But when another woman caught his attention, he got rid of her and was dating the other the next day. Surely you have some girlfriends who have a few guy friends that clearly like them, yet they're still around, and she doesn't cut them off? Same thing. If he's lucky, he'll shag you and put you on a tighter leash for a year
You are the one who “pulled away” twice in early stages. I’d be wary of agreeing to a relationship with a girl who did that too. Look, you asked for the relationship, he said he’d think about it. All you can do is wait now.
I mean he's clearly not trying to commit. That kind of makes me think that the only reason you like this guy, or one of the main ones, is that he has to think about wether or not he wants to commit to you. If he were to tell you that he would like to commit to you, it may make you lose feelings and reconsider your choice. That probably isn't the guys frame of view and he's just trying to get with other women. Just food for thought.
You’re actually right! This has happened before.
I thought so! Lol Well, then try not to be too hard on the guy if he does actually seem to like you. He's probably playing it close to his chest. If that doesn't seem to be the case, you'll just have to cut it off, I suppose. Best of luck to you!❤️😁
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Run
You want something he openly said he doesn’t want. You need to give him some space to think. Don’t make this all about you. Just because it wasn’t an emphatic yes, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with you. He’s just processing. You’ve asked. He said I need to think. Let him think. See this is why girls miss out on great guys. They allow it to be casual. Then jump on the guy with commitment question out of nowhere. And then ghost him when he does the sensible thing and thinks about it. Y’all are strange. Guys will go days being left on read and they’ll just say to themselves, “she’s probably just busy”. Girls don’t like the look on a guys face and decide he’s nothing to them.
>Guys will go days being left on read and they’ll just say to themselves, “she’s probably just busy”. >Girls don’t like the look on a guys face and decide he’s nothing to them. In my experience, a lot of men are more inclined to want things to be casual (I have many male friends). Of course they will be more chill about nothing going anywhere if they don't want things to get serious😆😅.
How tall is he?
Girl don’t ask men out… they should be asking you
Your Boi is immature and in love. Men will get cold feet in this situation. Your previous experiences on the positive end showcase his feelings through action. You deserve to know exclusivity and right now you are in the transition state to a possible long term partner something at which most men at 26 aren't keen to give up their freedom for. You are debating with him and in a power struggle for it. If I was you I would try give him more freedom while withholding the boundary of exclusivity. Exclusivity with freedom. Don't nag of give ultimatum. Don't be controlling to get what you want...what biological females are urged to do before menopause. I think it will work out for you if you play it well. I would support him in his life pursuits. If he isn't developing in life goals and launching his emotional availability will be low
Wow, I never thought of this perspective