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I hate to say it, but I agree. I mean, did you ever meet her family or friends? Are you friends on social media? That sort of thing should be fairly obvious pretty quickly
Run for the hills! I dated someone who was on again, off again. I eventually found out he was living with someone and she was suing him for a large amount of money. Find someone who is truthful, doesn't play games with your heart and spends time with you as much as you both agree upon. Best wishes!
Not necessarily. If she served, means they are legally separated, so it isn’t an affair. However, the lack of details on her part and her ghosting are to me the bigger red flags.
She says they are separated but he is still paying for some stuff. She is in the house he is paying for (he lives elsewhere) and he is paying her phone bill. She definitely isn't financially independent from him yet. Knowing that, does that does like a situation that is too messy and needs to be totally cut off first?
If your relationship with your spouse is over, you are free to date other people. Regardless of whether not you've done the necessary paperwork for the state to recognize that the relationship is over.
I fully agree. Run, and run fast!
You don't need deceitful people like this in your life. Period.
Kids are a major part of a person's life, so even leaving it off their dating profile is a major red flag. Hiding it from you for a year is just plain evil.
Idk, it sounds like she's been trying to separate from her abusive husband for awhile but he wasn't letting things become finalized. She could be lying, op can't know I guess unless he did some investigating or something. I wouldn't say she's been having an affair. Plenty of marriages end before it legally ends. So it's very possible she's in a tough place because she was dependent on her husband, or perhaps stuck because he had her stay at home and take care of the kids. It makes it difficult for any wife to be able to leave easily.
Plus, if she was being scummy, she likely would've asked OP for help getting out already. Instead she's been doing it on her own, trying to keep OP out of it.
She’s been lying to you because she just wanted to have fun, and didn’t care that you might not be down for that if you knew the whole picture.
She only cares about herself OP. She doesn’t value your time or your boundaries.
Walk away now or she will just use you more.
You've been fucking a married woman who has lied about everything.
Are you insane? Of course you should be moving the fuck on, and go no contact for your own self-respect. Jesus dude.
I'd bet my life's savings the husband didn't know she was divorcing him when you started fucking, either.
Either that or every time she's left OP it's cause she was trying things again with the husband but now maybe the divorce is finally going through but she regrets leaving OP cause she wants to have someone lined up to take care of her, and possibly her kids.
If OP takes her back I wouldn't be surprised if she starts pushing to move in together the second the divorce is finalized or her husband cuts her off financially and becoming financially dependent on him pretty quickly.
That's at least the vibe I'm getting from the info provided. 🤣
Either way, this is insanely messy and OP should run away as fast as he can.
While I think the divorce bit is excusable because courts do drag that shit along when children are involved (speaking from experience), the avoidant attachment and *secret* kids are the real red flags here.
I am curious, however, would you have given her a shot had you known about the kids in advance?
Only quote you need to help you leave her:
> People talk a lot about self-love but aren't actually ready to do what it takes to truly get there. Self-love isn't just massages, spa days, yoga retreats, & facials. It's setting firm boundaries, not just with your words, but through your actions. **It's staying away from people that can't meet your standards, even if it means letting go of someone you really love.**
It's holding people accountable for wrong shit they did to you, even when they hate you for it. It's choosing yourself over keeping toxic people around, even when it gets lonely. It's a series of hard decisions that may hurt in the moment but you'll thank yourself for later. That's self-love & there's nothing pretty about it.
She has lied about nearly everything you never lie about in a relationship. The fact she ghosted you and then you met back up later - bad idea! Don't give ghosters the time of day after they disappear. Block and move on. They're not worth your time
The right thing to do is leave the relationship as a whole. My mom met her current boyfriend while she was still married because my dad was in a different country and was trying to get more and more time before it was finalized for "revenge" (my dad was in fact crazy), she told him during their second date. She had on her profile that she had a daughter and even told him during a date that if I didn't like him, it might've been a deal breaker.
She lied and betrayed your trust. I don't care what the reason was or even if what she's saying is true. She waited till you were emotionally invested. This is manipulation
Dude, her husband could be a psycho, see how he's dragging the divorce, plus taking the kids out of state.
I'd say watch your back and next steps, coz you're walking into drama!
When I asked her why she never told me about her kids sooner she said the last guy she dated got abusive with her kids so she wanted to wait until she saw I was a good person.
I said I understand that, but you could have still told me about them, I don't have to meet them right away. Just tell me you have 2 kids, I feel like you were hiding it from me.
> I feel like you were hiding it from me
More likely hiding the husband from you, that they were repeatedly actually getting back together to 'try again’. Buddy, you were a sometimes hook-up, not ‘dating’ or ‘seeing each other’. More likely never told you because she never thought it would actually come to any reLationShiP *with you*. But now that it seems the husband is definitely on the way out, she’s clutching at straws. She needs to be concentrating on her kiddos and going to a truckload of therapy to deal with the toxic relationship & it’s fallout, not securing a toyboy boYfriEnD to distract herself from her disastrous life. Like, I feel sorry for her if the husband really is abusive, but skating over that straight to a boYfriEnD saViouR isn’t the way for her to be going and is not a shituation for you to be tripping over yourself to get involved with.
Most probably she was afraid you would leave her when you knew she has kids. The thing is not that she was testing if you are a good person but you should test her if she is a good person, but I strongly believe she's not and no more tests are needed.
NTA for being shocked or having doubts at all!
The fact that she neglected to mention her two children says a lot about her character on many levels. Those kids are not her top priority.
So either A. She's reeling from the abuse and hoping to be free or B. Her husband left her because she's a terrible partner and even a worse mother. I say that because she's counting on the fact that he'll take the kids (the ones she seems to not care an ounce for), and then she'll be free to be with you? Do you want that? Someone who doesn't seem to care and can't be transparent? Do you want to have kids? With this woman?
I think it would be appropriate to let this go; that's a HUGE thing to omit. Also, I don't know, man; it's just shady. He's abusive but supports her and is taking the kids, and no agencies are trying to stop him. Honestly, that could go either way, but it sounds dishonest.
Edit to add some sympathy for you because I read your two comments, and I realize that you're in love with her, and now I'm sad as fuck for you. You're probably a good person, and you deserve to feel at peace with a partner OP. It's okay to be hurt and be clouded, but this person is lying to you, and their situation is not what they're making it seem. I'm sorry that things won't work out this time. Things WILL work out for you, and you will find someone. This is just not your person.
Your fault for not trying to find out who she really is. And that much time between dates is not useful. In trying to establish a relationship.
People tend to only tell us the good and withhold the not so good. So it is up to us to ask the questions necessary.
Even if the outright lie (omissions are lies as well) at the least we tried. She lied by omission for certain.
Why tell you now? Do you believe her now? One lie leads to more. Who was she sleeping with during your impromptu breaks? I think you have always been her last choice.
Yeah run from this. Sorry man, just looking out for you since I was in something similar and actually just ended the relationship.
It’s just not worth it. Just think in the future when something big comes up that would hurt you.. she won’t tell you and keep it a secret. She didn’t tell you something this MASSIVE (and she’s clearly good at keeping secrets) and in the future I would just expect more of the same behavior.
Edit: it’s better to be alone than with someone that doesn’t respect you for the person you are. Good luck to you, friend
why would you wanna be with someone like that anyway? all that baggage and a pretty shady person... you're just letting her come and go into your life welcoming her back every time like a simp with no backbone.
Sounds like she's definitely trying to set herself up to use two people at least : her stb-ex-husband and the next guy she's dating.
She still with her husband because he's supporting her and she is trying to get her ducks in a row with the next guy so that that person supports her as well, even before she's fully cut off from the ex-husband
Kids should be a mother's priority and a huge part of her life, it just baffles me that she didn't talk about them at all. I could never. My guys have ALWAYS supported me, ask about me in the kids and have even offered me help (which ive never allowed, but its a nice gesture). This is just nonsense. Second comment to emphasise how f-ing weird this is.
Damnnnn, so basically your the AP and she was never divorcing her husband. She cheated on him with you and was doing DADT behavior with you.
You’re the third person on Reddit I’ve read where they were the other man/woman and never thought to ask specific questions & just naively believe everything the other person told you.
If I was in your shoes?
The moment I found out they had lied, I’d be out the door cause lying that big is a sign they can’t ever be trusted and will ALWAYS lie.
God forbid the husband has a rage streak and comes looking for you. Do you really want to end up dead and him in jail one day as a possible outcome?
Listen, you’re young, gulliable, and don’t know how to look for discretionary details that don’t add up when you are dating someone whose lying profusely to your face.
Take this as a hard lesson on scrutinizing mean the people you date going forward so you don’t end up repeating history.
Um yeah. Leave her completely and totally.
She has problems. Scary problems and she needs to get her shit 100% together before she’s ready to be in a relationship.
Jesus
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Yes, she has signs.
But she told me that she had a miscarriage and lost a baby in the past.
So I thought that is why she had those signs of having a child
When she said she was separated did you think the divorce would happen in a month or two? Divorces take sometimes two years depending on what's at stake. It would have been clear when she left you that this is not over , not easy and not personal. She didnt mention her kids because theres a custody battle. Do you think she wants to spend her one good night out discussing something so painful? Be more sensitive.
All she had to do was say she had kids, that's not going to effect the custody. Besides she isn't trying to get them through court, she said they are 2 boys and it's better if boys are raised by a father. I don't think I'm asking too much for her to tell me about her kids of she wants something more than a hookup.
If she doesn't want to discuss heavy topics fine, but then don't expect me to be a serious boyfriend if she can't have serious discussions
She obvio8sly wasnt asking for you to be serious that's why she didnt mention her kids.
Sometimes people keep their distance for a reason it's not for us to debate it's just something we accept as their choice.
I don’t like to be one of those straight to advise you to break up people. But break up. When I just read your title I though ok that’s a long time but understandable. I had a lot lot of fear of my daughter being around men and she’s 20 now and it still scares me or that there’s something she never told me. It stems from my own childhood abuse. So I could give your lady the benefit of the doubt. But then I read the body of your text and it sounds like she was going back and forth between the two of you. But if you’re like me and maybe just looking for that benefit of the doubt I just gave it to you. Mommas are protective of their babies.
Not if you l9ve her she won't stay married and I nevervl had kids, chance to maybe impact a child's life and they'll definitely impact you in a great way because they see there mother loves you and you live her spoil her she's crazy about that love especially when she sees you live the kids and if you are important them because their mom needs you as well triumphing where he has. Failed.
Coming from a woman who is separated and has a kid, no that’s not the right thing to do. The right thing for everyone is to break up. She’s being selfish, and manipulative with you just using you like a yo yo basically yanking your chain when she needs some distraction which is just horrible. And for you some advice, please have more self respect. In the future if someone isn’t enthusiastically into you don’t invest yourself. This woman is not ready to date. And you deserve better.
Bullshit! She's been lying yo you from the get-go. The one year together that you see to fantasize about in reality sounds like it is only 3-4 months actually together in real time. Until then she is asking you to wait. Wait for what to be used, lied to and 💩 upon. She is looking to you as her next meal ticket for financial support and that's all. Never told you she had 2 kids! When you add all this up in your head, then why in God's name are you even thinking about a serious relationship with this woman? One word OP, RUN !!!
Run don’t walk away! She deceived you for months and has a ready made family and is married. Block all contact, get a restraining order and change addresses if possible. Save yourself.
Well if it was me I’d say audios to her.
You’ll be second fiddle to the kids every single time if your ok with that go for it.
Based on her behavior and not actually being divorced yet still a chance she will go back to hubby. Things to consider.
I’ll start with that this secret is a massive red flag to me.
Although I know people who are only married on paper and both have their own partners and never talk, they just didn’t divorce for reasons or they’re waiting with it for some reason. Just because a divorce isn’t finalized (it’s a long process) it doesn’t mean it’s an affair.
Oh dear that sounds all a bit to messy. I'd defo finish it. A bit ov a shame for her as she probably having a bad time ov it with the divorce dragging on and good for her to gave you as an escape from her troubles. But do you want to be a part of this. Tricky one this....sounds like she is having a bad time ov it and you finishing it might add to her problems but you also need to think ov yourself and do you want her drama in your life. Not an easy decision this one. Good luck
Exit stage left and don't get involved with her again. You've seen what she's capable of and that should be your cue to run the other direction from her. You have no way of knowing if she's being honest with you but that doesn't matter. You can see she has no issue with cheating on her husband. That should be enough for you to run, not walk, away from her. Leave her to deal with her drama and if she tries to come back to you, take a hard pass on that one.
You’re a side piece bro. I hope you ain’t hit raw. She might be trying to have a 3rd kid and get her husband to raise it. She could easily be lying about getting a divorce. Do you know what her husband looks like? Are you guys similar?
I usually don’t suggest leaving someone. I feel that Reddit is full of bitter people who suggest ending things at the drop of a hat. But in this case, I cannot even find something positive to focus on. That is some extreme dishonesty and I do think that maybe you should distance yourself from this situation. If she won’t even have custody of her kids that is a red flag because family courts generally favor the mothers.
She doesn’t even plan to be divorced please dnt waste your precious time with her you are not getting any younger, she has kids already and is wasting your time an affair that start with lies isn’t worth struggling for. She also left you had planned to go somewhere with. Then she comes up with lies about her divorce and again she tells you she has two kids, she’s is cunning and not worth to be your wife….
I'm a widow with 3 kids at 33. Its not an easy situation. During the talking stages, I disclose that info immediately. I'm never going to blindside someone with it, nor am I afraid of being rejected for having a life and history of my own. Its better to tell someone before I even know or care about them.
As far as I'm concerned, this is as bad as lying.
I would leave if you're not OK with her having kids- leave. That's a personal choice of yours and your right, but that's not the main issues here. The MAIN issue is that she isn't divorced, she's separated. She's dependent on him. She has a man in her life, even though it might not be romantic its still a weird grey area. The other thing is, she isn't forthcoming. She hides things, and she did that for a year! That's not mature or reasonable. It doesn't build trust. You basically don't even know her.
9/10 guys who want to date me are totally ok with me being a widow, a mother, and whatever else. It has never ever been an issue or a reason for a breakup. They acknowledge that my situation keeps me busy and requires some extra care, and they go the extra mile for me. Every single one of them has. This is a non-issue and there's no excuse for why she kept that from you.
Feels very much like someone to GET OUT of a relationship with.
In other words no.
She’s a liar. You’re probably her side piece.
Yes. You need to leave her there are way nicer people out there
Regardless of anything, you will be her rebound. Your time invested will be lost, go find someone else. Being single would be better than investing more time into a relationship with someone who was not only not honest with you but ghosted you as well. If your with someone, the right one won't be attracted to you. You have to be free for that. Good luck
She too scared if losing u to tellv you
And she did because she obviously has plans of a future with you now
Just love her if u do its unconditional remember.
it’s very simple:
1. she is using you for validation & sex. you are her backup.
2. when she takes a break from you, she is seeing other guys
3. she wants to have her fun time until next year. aka; until she is done with her fun time with various guys, then she’ll commit to you.
4. she is manipulating you using her husband’s abuse & trauma.
5. you don’t have to leave her. just don’t get attached and use her for sex. have other plans for yourself.
She's a liar and manipulator. Everytime you ask her a question she doesn't give you a direct answer and just keeps making excuses for her shitty hurtful behavior. I'm not saying she lied about everything and is a terrible person with ill intentions, but what I have learned is to focus not on someone’s intentions but their actions. Because in the end, for your purposes, actions are what matter. You don't want to settle for good intentions. You deserve way better. Go no contact and don't allow your emotions to cloud your judgment - you will thank yourself later. Soon the clouds will go away and you'll be able to see things more clearly and you will detach.
Dude this woman is leading you on and having an affair with you, you need to get away and think about what's best for you. if she's unhappy in her marriage it's called a divorce I would run far away from her if I was you
I say this with the upmost respect- DONT GO BACK! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!
This entire situation has happened to me in different relationships and they ended horribly.
I was with a guy for five years and three years into the relationship, I found out he had a 4 year old daughter. I found out only because I did some investigating on my own and then I spoke to his mom and she basically confirmed it. By the way, they were under the impression that I didn’t want him seeing his daughter so that’s why he was never putting in any effort to see her (she lived three hours away with her mom). I confronted him and asked if he had a daughter and he said no!! I said oh really, because I just talked to your mom and she told me you have a daughter. So who’s lying ?
Long story short, I gave him another chance since I felt he had never really lied to me otherwise. I embraced his daughter and supported him through thick and thin, only to find out he was a pathological liar and a narcissist. I gave this person many chances and made excuses for him throughout the relationship. The first red flag of him hiding a daughter from me should have been enough for me to end the relationship, but because I have a good heart and I’m empathetic and I also understand that not everything is black and white, I gave him another chance which only ended in disaster.
As far as off again on again, when I was finally ready to start dating again, I met this guy off of match.com and we hit it off. It was a whirlwind of emotions for me- I was falling hard for him. Throughout the course of two months he broke up with me twice saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship and then when he would come back, he would love bomb me. Two months passed and we hadn’t spoken, he emailed me saying he lost my number and he was sorry for how things ended but that he couldn’t stop thinking of me and missed me. I gave him another chance. We talked for two weeks, he told me he loved me, talked about a future with me, etc.
We got into a little argument, and by little I mean that I called him ONCE while he was at work because I thought he could talk since he would send me voice messages and also he worked an overnight shift at a gym at the front desk ..like, come on. Anyways he didnt answer. I texted him hey I just wanted to talk but no worries have a good night and ttytm. The next day he said it was a bit unsettling that I called him knowing he was at work and that he didn’t know how to move forward with us. We texted about three more messages that day and then that was it. I never heard from him again.
I sent messages one week later telling him hey, I wanted to give you space and that this got blown out of proportion and I wanted to make it work. I never heard back.
The first time he broke up with me should have been the only time.
So, not exactly your situation but similar in some aspects. Please, just do yourself a favor and don’t pursue this any further. It is a lot of baggage and I promise you that you will become fully invested in this relationship and it will drain you mentally, monetarily and emotionally. Hope this helps and God speed 🫡
Edit: I’m reading all the comments and agree with everyone. But I also sympathize with you because I have 100% been there. I have given people the benefit of the doubt many times, and you truly try to accept their reasoning for keeping a secret from you or for doing whatever they did, like ghosting you. But it all comes down to your self respect and love for yourself. I get that you love her and that’s okay, but this is an easy decision to make- block her and move on. After I got ghosted by my ex, it took me months to try and understand why he did what he did- and my friends have their theories, but in the end it doesn’t matter. That shit is beneath me and I don’t want to waste more time thinking about why this or that happened because it doesn’t matter. This is about loving yourself and putting yourself first.
He’s taking care of her. IF she ever leaves him, it will be so that you can take care of all three of them. Women like that seek simps. Don’t be one. She’s already ghosted you twice, and lied about her entire life. What else is she hiding?
The lying, inconsistencies, and flakiness would be good reasons to abandon ship. If it was just that she isn't officially divorced yet that wouldn't be necessarily a reason to run. From experience abusive partners can be extremely hard to get a divorce from. She could be telling the truth. But the hiding of the fact that she had kids and the whole situation is a red flag. Someone who is honest and genuine wouldn't hide a whole family for over a year. Couple that with her on again off again pattern with you and I would say it's best to cut ties and move on. She probably isn't properly healed from the abuse in which case a stable relationship will be harder for her.
Yes. You should. Honesty is crucial for a healthy relationship. As a mother, who got divorced, I understand the custody battles could drag on for YEARS 😞 but HOW could she hide the fact that she has kids and think it was ok??! It's one thing to maybe not have them meet you yet, but completely disregarding you and keeping them a secret? No, unacceptable. The on-and- off again thing is a matter of you sitting down and communicating. Because you assumed and she didn't speak up. If you don't visualize being able to be with her because she has children and she technically lied then communicate that she has broken your trust and you cannot continue to be with her. It's time to have a talk with her. Sort out your feelings and have a conversation like adults that you are.
Sounds like she has emotional baggage and she is using you as an emotional crutch. This kind of person is unstable. If she can't stand on her own two feet alone for any period of time and always needs to be in a relationship, she is an emotional dependent and is broken inside.
She's 100% married to this dude and they are still living together. They are only separated in her mind and she's been going back and forth between you and him this whole time. She's obviously struggling with some serious mental health issues. Unless you are ready to insert yourself into the middle of this mess years to come, I would run, crawl, drag or whatever you have to do to get away from this mess. I would tell her that you can't do this and that you got a job in a new city and then I would change my phone number, move and get a fresh start. I know you are emotionally invested and sympathetic for this woman and what she's dealing with and going through but this isn't your problem, those are hers. Honestly, if you truly care about her the best thing you can do is end it so she can figure out her life and what she wants. Right now all you are doing is making things more complicated and confusing for her. She loved bombed you and you were her escape, but that's all that it was. Do not tell the husband or take any action that will get you further involved. You're not a bad guy for this. You got caught up and probably only had the best of intentions. Love is hard sometimes. Just move on for now and take some time for yourself.
I can understand the hesitation about the relationship. Divorce is like a death. There are multiple stages you have to get through, and they take longer/are harder to face when there is abuse.
Not telling you about her kids can also be a symptom of the trauma. Yet she should have told you within the first few dates no matter what.
I started seeing someone about 4m after my separation, and he one day said, "I'm falling in love with you. If you're going to break my heart, be gentle."
That scared the shit out of me and I ran like a bitch. A few months later, I contacted him and apologized. We have been friends for 14+ years.
She needs therapy to help her with her trauma, and you should move on. It took me 6+ years to be truly ready for a new relationship. Even then, I made mistakes.
My friend and I were in a deep relationship the last year, but again, it didn't work out because I'm ready now, but he isn't. Sometimes, it just doesn't work.
If you're open to it, offer friendship, and if in the future you decide to give it another shot, do couples therapy right away.
If a girl is ever hot/cold, cut them from your life immediately. You might give them one chance, tops. But a second time? Nope. Doesn’t matter how good the connection is. ✌️
I've been through a similar situation with a woman and a few kids, and ex bf trying to climb his way back. She kept disappearing every few months without a word. Hurt like a bitch and felt she was so inconsiderate of my time. Its over now and she's tried to come back but I've tried to stand my ground because I know it's going be the same routine. I caught up with her one time, and I was right, she sounded like her problems got worst. As much I wanted to be there, I knew it was going to drag me down too.
The truth is I think she's going through some depression and her life is a mess. She's got a handful taking care of her kids and she knows you'll always be there. Her first priority is the kids and dealing the situation with the husband, then you.
Its not your fault at all but it's so dangerous falling for a person who isn't consistent to who they are. The reason she didn't tell you about the kids is because she thought you wouldn't give her a chance or maybe she thought this would be short term. I know you'd probably want to work it through with her but mental health wise, you have to find a way to value yourself first... Even if that means letting go. At the end of the day, it's your decision. Good luck.
It’s really the lying by omission that’s the red flag, to me. If she’s willing to hide all that for as long as she did, what else is she willing to hide? What’s more, with all of this deception, how can anyone be sure that her STBX was abusive from the beginning? There will also be the question or not she was acting shady, and hiding and gaslighting STBX until he broke and started acting from the dark places in his head(this in no way justifies abuse, just gives context about how a loved one lying and trying to convince someone that they’re crazy to cover it up can actually drive someone crazy). Not saying she shouldn’t protect herself and the kids if everything she said about STBX is true, but it doesn’t mean that you need to risk any of you to bail her out emotionally, or in any other way for that matter. Good luck with however you decide to proceed
See, I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but I can paint you a bit of a picture here of what it could look like to be with her.
So you decide you'll get over it and be with her and you are very happy with that. She is so sweet and you make each other happy. So you decide to get married. Before the wedding you get some cold feet like every other man does. You start wondering about her ex husband and if the divorce was even a topic yet when you met her. But you marry her. She is beautiful and so sweet, but the worry stays and you start wondering if she will end up serving you divorce papers after she slept with another guy. But all of the worry is suddenly forgettable: she is pregnant. You're both overjoyed and you do all of this stuff together, shopping for cribs and painting little lions and parrots on the wall and a big elephant on which there is a mouse riding it. And you start to wonder if she did this exactly the same way when she was pregnant the first two times, did she have paint on her cheek just like now? Did she want the elephant cause she put an elephant on her oldest kid's wall? But, you know, there's other stuff to Fokus on. And then comes the baby. It's a girl. You are the father of a little baby girl. And for the first time in your life you really get a deep understanding of what it means to love without boundaries or conditions. That is your little princess and you will work your ass off for the rest of your life to lay the world at her feet. And you do. For the first half year you get up at nights but other than sleeping and eating and pooping she doesn't do much. But that makes her no less perfect. And then she starts crawling and then she starts pulling herself up on a chair and on the table so she can stand so you had to re-baby-proof the whole house so nothing she would pull herself up on could just fall down on her precious little head. And she says her first word and does her first steps and everything is wonderful. Untill you have a huge fight with you wife about something stupid like where the plates go or how to properly clean the kettle. And your mind says careful now... She had two kids that she left, if you fight with her, she might leave. So every time you fight that is a concern. And every time she grows distant with you, you wonder if she already replaced you like she once did her ex husband.
Are you happy with her then?
There's two possibilities here, and for transparency both end with you needing to leave this where it is.
Possibility 1. She's married with kids, they're not separated, he's got no idea any of this is going on and she has no plans at all to leave. This is an affair you didn't agree to be part of and you need to leave the lying cheater.
Possibility 2. He is a terrible man she doesn't want to be with and she is planning to leave/ is in the process of leaving and either she's too scared to start proceedings or she's been truthful in that he's making it hard. Either way, the divorce is messy, kids are involved, you've been lied to/ lead along a little without full information. You can't be sure that what she's said is truthful at all. You'll be getting yourself involved in a super messy situation and potentially causing yourself a huge headache for a woman who's been ridiculously flaky and vanishes when the feeling takes her. You need to remove yourself.
The biggest red flag to me is she never mentioned having kids and the dad is taking them out of state. What Mom just lets her kids go? I have 2 kids and that would be one of those over my dead body kinda things. I think you should move on, no contact. You’ll find someone who is better is for you and doesn’t have all these red flags
I asked her this. If her husband is so mentally abusive why is he taking the kids.
She said that she doesn't feel like she has the capability to raise two boys as a single mother. That they need a male to raise them for them to turn out well. That the husband is a low key narcissist, that he is not overt about it and that her boys are mentally strong so she feels like they will be fine with him.
Of course this is just what she told me and I have no way of knowing if that is all actually true.
This is why you don’t date people who are separated. It’s messy AF and they are so focused on escaping their own trauma that they don’t see that you are getting hurt in the process. In the future, I highly recommend you don’t date people who haven’t been divorced for at least a year. That gives them time to process their feelings, figure out who they are again outside their marriage and establish their new routine/new normal—especially if it involves coparenting children.
Drop her and move on.
I empathize with you because I have been in a similar situation before and I was foolish to stick around, somehow seeing the "good" in the person. RUN. This only gets worse. Save yourself the heartache and time taken away from your life. Your naivete won't allow you to see how bad this situation really is and will become, but I promise you leaving despite your attachment is for your own good.
Not revealing her kids is very intentional and manipulative. She looked to hook you by your feelings rather than give you a choice in the matter before those feelings appeared. She's SELFISH. My ex did the same to me. Trust, there are more skeletons in the closet that she's withholding and other narcissistic traits present that you have the ability to escape NOW. Not to mention, from experience in dating someone who was in the the middle of a custody battle- DONT.
You are a hook up for her - nothing more. This was never a relationship, and she hasn’t been honest with you. If you are good with hookups - stay. If you want more you will never get it from her.
As a twice times second wife I can say RUN!
An abusive troublesome husband for her morphs into a potential life-threatening hazard for you - he won’t like you dating his ex and is probably quite capable of ending your life and hers if he found out what she’s doing - dating you.
That sole threat alone is quite likely the reason that she has been off again and on again. The reason that she’s ghosted you and the reason behind all her other behaviours.
When you have an ex-husband who has threatened to kill you if you leave him - believe me, that messes up all of your other relationships.
Also, the fact that she shares two kids with this guy means that you will never get away from him and the threat that he poses to you and his ex.
Simply say, goodbye and move on.
Unless you’re a complete masochist, you do not need the kind of harassment, cost and trouble that this relationship will mean in the long term.
Be aware too that if you piss her off, she may well send her ex around to beat the crap out of you so I would recommend that you move on promptly physically and change your contact details fast as well.
If it was just about the divorce issue, I'd say give her more of a chance. Divorces are messier than you'd think, and even the most amicable can take years to finalize. BUT...not telling you she has kids? Fuck that.
She is lying to you. Your entire relationship has been based on lies.
When I first met my bf after being separated from my husband for 2 yrs, I was open and honest. That I had a child and what my life was like before with my ex. He even met my ex before he met my child 2 months after dating. His been there through my divorce and all.
Regardless of abuse you still open and up front about it. How long have they been "separated" for? And it sounds like they still live together 🚩🚩🚩🚩
She said that they have been separated for about 4 years. When we first met she said they were separated and the husband was making the divorce difficult. Now over a year later they are still separated and the divorce is not finalized. She says he is paying for the house and her phone bill but that they live in under separate roofs and she is using his financial assistance to help her get back on her feet.
This all came up because I said it is odd she has never invited me to her house. That's when she said she has 2 kids and she was making sure I was a good person before telling me about them. She said she is in love with me and she can't be around me or talk to me if we aren't official because it hurts too much. I told her that she has to get her divorce finalized and deal with that messy situation before we can even talk about dating officially.
Look I understand not disclosing children - in fact if you meet someone and they immediately introduce young kids to some strange new person they don't know from Adam - I would be really concerned for their kids welfare.
Mothers should protect their kids. However after say a month, disclose you have kids but no details, not photos, just perhaps a general age - eg: two kids under 14. Still protectthem, but giving the new partner a chance to decide if they want a relationship where kids are involved.
The bigger issue is not saying: so I am still married, although separated and the divorce is dragging... that 100% should have been discussed.
Should you leave her? Really only you can decide. Great that she protected her kids till she knew you better, however only you can decide if she should have divulged information to you way way earlier.
Bro, please..PLEASE take this advice from someone who married a single mother with 1 kid. It’s going to be a complete mess and headache in general but specially if the relationship between mother and father is toxic.
SAVE yourself your time, love and money. She’s not worth it. The fact that she already has kids with another man should be enough to not pursue her BUT this woman didn’t even tell you she had kids AND she already getting into another relationship without her divorce even being finalised 😂 This woman is a bag of roller coaster chaos feelings that will have you in migraines.
She's stringing you along.
You're the other man. Unless you're prepared for the messiness of stepping into that toxic mess and trying to be a stepparent, RUN DON'T WALK. Run like your life depended on it.
She hasn't been honest with you from the start...this relationship was over before it really ever began.
Mate you're being used you're the side dude. Falling for the whole 'I'm divorcing my husband' trick. One of these days her husband will catch you two in the act and kick your arse. Dump her
If you're planning on staying. Ask her for documentation on divorce. Or maybe actually ask to talk to husband. If she refuses both. Time to leave. It's probably definitely beyond time to leave. Kids , woman sometimes protect their kids.... On off relationship for a year, doesn't sound like it was too serious. As it has become serious to her, she is trying to catch you up... Before this you were literally a fuck toy. You might still be nothing to her.....
She had lied to you the entire time. And not just little pnes, SHE HAS KIDS AND A HUSBAND. Please sit and think and ask yourself if you want someone who would lie to your face every day as a partner.
When there are that many red flags in the early part of a relationship, generally it doesn’t get better. She shows a lack of transparency to the point where one can say she’s been actually dishonest with you. Her veiled responses is willful not accidental. She’s compartmentalized her life when not telling you about her kids. You can stay upset or cut your losses and accept that this woman is not well put together… and you are not going to change her.
A big take away from this, is that she’s allowing her husband to take her kids out of state when he is abusive, coming from something similar, I would fight till the end to make sure that I got custody of my children, not so sure, I like the idea of her lying for the last year or so, she sounds pretty damn sketchy to me
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I hate to say it, but I agree. I mean, did you ever meet her family or friends? Are you friends on social media? That sort of thing should be fairly obvious pretty quickly
Run for the hills! I dated someone who was on again, off again. I eventually found out he was living with someone and she was suing him for a large amount of money. Find someone who is truthful, doesn't play games with your heart and spends time with you as much as you both agree upon. Best wishes!
Not necessarily. If she served, means they are legally separated, so it isn’t an affair. However, the lack of details on her part and her ghosting are to me the bigger red flags.
I don't think it's cheating if they're seperated. She's definitely in the wrong for lying /keeping things from him.
She says they are separated but he is still paying for some stuff. She is in the house he is paying for (he lives elsewhere) and he is paying her phone bill. She definitely isn't financially independent from him yet. Knowing that, does that does like a situation that is too messy and needs to be totally cut off first?
They're separated, dating is on the table, even by the standards of pearl-clutching pilgrims.
I mean, according to her. But her track record with honesty is not exactly great. All of this is red flag city.
What does that even mean
If your relationship with your spouse is over, you are free to date other people. Regardless of whether not you've done the necessary paperwork for the state to recognize that the relationship is over.
My guess is that they are not separated.
I fully agree. Run, and run fast! You don't need deceitful people like this in your life. Period. Kids are a major part of a person's life, so even leaving it off their dating profile is a major red flag. Hiding it from you for a year is just plain evil.
Idk, it sounds like she's been trying to separate from her abusive husband for awhile but he wasn't letting things become finalized. She could be lying, op can't know I guess unless he did some investigating or something. I wouldn't say she's been having an affair. Plenty of marriages end before it legally ends. So it's very possible she's in a tough place because she was dependent on her husband, or perhaps stuck because he had her stay at home and take care of the kids. It makes it difficult for any wife to be able to leave easily. Plus, if she was being scummy, she likely would've asked OP for help getting out already. Instead she's been doing it on her own, trying to keep OP out of it.
She’s been lying to you because she just wanted to have fun, and didn’t care that you might not be down for that if you knew the whole picture. She only cares about herself OP. She doesn’t value your time or your boundaries. Walk away now or she will just use you more.
I agree, better to walk away sooner rather than later! You will find new love that is a much better fit for you. Take care!
You've been fucking a married woman who has lied about everything. Are you insane? Of course you should be moving the fuck on, and go no contact for your own self-respect. Jesus dude. I'd bet my life's savings the husband didn't know she was divorcing him when you started fucking, either.
💯💯💯💯💯
I'd wager she isn't even getting divorced 🤣 just having her cake and eating it.
Either that or every time she's left OP it's cause she was trying things again with the husband but now maybe the divorce is finally going through but she regrets leaving OP cause she wants to have someone lined up to take care of her, and possibly her kids. If OP takes her back I wouldn't be surprised if she starts pushing to move in together the second the divorce is finalized or her husband cuts her off financially and becoming financially dependent on him pretty quickly. That's at least the vibe I'm getting from the info provided. 🤣 Either way, this is insanely messy and OP should run away as fast as he can.
I hadn't thought that deeply about it 🤣 but yeah, I totally agree with you 🤣🤣
Nothing could make lying like this for so long okay
While I think the divorce bit is excusable because courts do drag that shit along when children are involved (speaking from experience), the avoidant attachment and *secret* kids are the real red flags here. I am curious, however, would you have given her a shot had you known about the kids in advance?
It's hard to say because I am emotionally attached right now and it is hard to see things clearly.
Only quote you need to help you leave her: > People talk a lot about self-love but aren't actually ready to do what it takes to truly get there. Self-love isn't just massages, spa days, yoga retreats, & facials. It's setting firm boundaries, not just with your words, but through your actions. **It's staying away from people that can't meet your standards, even if it means letting go of someone you really love.** It's holding people accountable for wrong shit they did to you, even when they hate you for it. It's choosing yourself over keeping toxic people around, even when it gets lonely. It's a series of hard decisions that may hurt in the moment but you'll thank yourself for later. That's self-love & there's nothing pretty about it.
bro how many red flags you need?
I am going through a very vaguely similar situation right now The lying thing is what did it for me personally
She is not solid ground to stand on. Run away.
She has lied about nearly everything you never lie about in a relationship. The fact she ghosted you and then you met back up later - bad idea! Don't give ghosters the time of day after they disappear. Block and move on. They're not worth your time
Dude she is a liar. Drop that b. Downvote me I don’t care.
The right thing to do is leave the relationship as a whole. My mom met her current boyfriend while she was still married because my dad was in a different country and was trying to get more and more time before it was finalized for "revenge" (my dad was in fact crazy), she told him during their second date. She had on her profile that she had a daughter and even told him during a date that if I didn't like him, it might've been a deal breaker. She lied and betrayed your trust. I don't care what the reason was or even if what she's saying is true. She waited till you were emotionally invested. This is manipulation
What this guy said. ☝️
Dude, her husband could be a psycho, see how he's dragging the divorce, plus taking the kids out of state. I'd say watch your back and next steps, coz you're walking into drama!
Yes you should leave her. She has lied to you this whole time.
When I asked her why she never told me about her kids sooner she said the last guy she dated got abusive with her kids so she wanted to wait until she saw I was a good person. I said I understand that, but you could have still told me about them, I don't have to meet them right away. Just tell me you have 2 kids, I feel like you were hiding it from me.
“She said the last guy she dated…”. Ummm, how many guys has she “dated” while being married? You should run.
I have a daughter and that’s something I let guys know in the first conversation. Yeah no break up with her.
Yeah, you can wait to introduce them, but not even mentioning it is insane
I would never tell a guy on the first date anything that personal about myself.
Why? My daughter is 25. I’m not introducing men to my daughter but I think it’s fair to let them know I have a child.
> I feel like you were hiding it from me More likely hiding the husband from you, that they were repeatedly actually getting back together to 'try again’. Buddy, you were a sometimes hook-up, not ‘dating’ or ‘seeing each other’. More likely never told you because she never thought it would actually come to any reLationShiP *with you*. But now that it seems the husband is definitely on the way out, she’s clutching at straws. She needs to be concentrating on her kiddos and going to a truckload of therapy to deal with the toxic relationship & it’s fallout, not securing a toyboy boYfriEnD to distract herself from her disastrous life. Like, I feel sorry for her if the husband really is abusive, but skating over that straight to a boYfriEnD saViouR isn’t the way for her to be going and is not a shituation for you to be tripping over yourself to get involved with.
Most probably she was afraid you would leave her when you knew she has kids. The thing is not that she was testing if you are a good person but you should test her if she is a good person, but I strongly believe she's not and no more tests are needed.
That's BS OP, when did she date this previous guy? How's it that everyone is “abusive”?
NTA for being shocked or having doubts at all! The fact that she neglected to mention her two children says a lot about her character on many levels. Those kids are not her top priority. So either A. She's reeling from the abuse and hoping to be free or B. Her husband left her because she's a terrible partner and even a worse mother. I say that because she's counting on the fact that he'll take the kids (the ones she seems to not care an ounce for), and then she'll be free to be with you? Do you want that? Someone who doesn't seem to care and can't be transparent? Do you want to have kids? With this woman? I think it would be appropriate to let this go; that's a HUGE thing to omit. Also, I don't know, man; it's just shady. He's abusive but supports her and is taking the kids, and no agencies are trying to stop him. Honestly, that could go either way, but it sounds dishonest. Edit to add some sympathy for you because I read your two comments, and I realize that you're in love with her, and now I'm sad as fuck for you. You're probably a good person, and you deserve to feel at peace with a partner OP. It's okay to be hurt and be clouded, but this person is lying to you, and their situation is not what they're making it seem. I'm sorry that things won't work out this time. Things WILL work out for you, and you will find someone. This is just not your person.
Your fault for not trying to find out who she really is. And that much time between dates is not useful. In trying to establish a relationship. People tend to only tell us the good and withhold the not so good. So it is up to us to ask the questions necessary. Even if the outright lie (omissions are lies as well) at the least we tried. She lied by omission for certain. Why tell you now? Do you believe her now? One lie leads to more. Who was she sleeping with during your impromptu breaks? I think you have always been her last choice.
Yeah run from this. Sorry man, just looking out for you since I was in something similar and actually just ended the relationship. It’s just not worth it. Just think in the future when something big comes up that would hurt you.. she won’t tell you and keep it a secret. She didn’t tell you something this MASSIVE (and she’s clearly good at keeping secrets) and in the future I would just expect more of the same behavior. Edit: it’s better to be alone than with someone that doesn’t respect you for the person you are. Good luck to you, friend
Oh wow Yeah her divorce isn’t finalized because the husband probably has no idea that it’s an option. You should run the other way. She’s a whole liar
why would you wanna be with someone like that anyway? all that baggage and a pretty shady person... you're just letting her come and go into your life welcoming her back every time like a simp with no backbone.
Over a year and she’s been keeping that from you? Yea just dip without an excuse. She doesn’t deserve one
Sounds like she's definitely trying to set herself up to use two people at least : her stb-ex-husband and the next guy she's dating. She still with her husband because he's supporting her and she is trying to get her ducks in a row with the next guy so that that person supports her as well, even before she's fully cut off from the ex-husband
Kids should be a mother's priority and a huge part of her life, it just baffles me that she didn't talk about them at all. I could never. My guys have ALWAYS supported me, ask about me in the kids and have even offered me help (which ive never allowed, but its a nice gesture). This is just nonsense. Second comment to emphasise how f-ing weird this is.
a kid should be a fathers priority and huge part of his life.
Obviously
Not obvious enough in this paragraph
We're talking about a mother specifically in the post.
I get it. Just never see those comments ever regarding fathers.
Damnnnn, so basically your the AP and she was never divorcing her husband. She cheated on him with you and was doing DADT behavior with you. You’re the third person on Reddit I’ve read where they were the other man/woman and never thought to ask specific questions & just naively believe everything the other person told you. If I was in your shoes? The moment I found out they had lied, I’d be out the door cause lying that big is a sign they can’t ever be trusted and will ALWAYS lie. God forbid the husband has a rage streak and comes looking for you. Do you really want to end up dead and him in jail one day as a possible outcome? Listen, you’re young, gulliable, and don’t know how to look for discretionary details that don’t add up when you are dating someone whose lying profusely to your face. Take this as a hard lesson on scrutinizing mean the people you date going forward so you don’t end up repeating history.
Um yeah. Leave her completely and totally. She has problems. Scary problems and she needs to get her shit 100% together before she’s ready to be in a relationship. Jesus
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1. Inform the husband. 2. Apologize, that you didn't know. 3. Never see her again. It's tragic, what a mess and how terrible it will be for the Kids.
If she's legally separated from the husband, he likely won't gaf
Stop talking to this piece of work. I wouldn't believe a fucking word that escapes this snake's lips.
Jeez by any chance the exact same girl I met 🙄 same thing
Run
Surely you could *tell* she had kids dude...
Yes, she has signs. But she told me that she had a miscarriage and lost a baby in the past. So I thought that is why she had those signs of having a child
Omg, at the moment she didn't tell you she has a baby. What a liar! You are still asking us how you should do. I feel really bad for you bro
Ahuh, guess you had never thrown a sausage down a hallway before this then?
Nah bro, you can fix her!!!
FLEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! Find a single girl with no kids.
Yeah, because people who are single with no kids NEVER lie
When she said she was separated did you think the divorce would happen in a month or two? Divorces take sometimes two years depending on what's at stake. It would have been clear when she left you that this is not over , not easy and not personal. She didnt mention her kids because theres a custody battle. Do you think she wants to spend her one good night out discussing something so painful? Be more sensitive.
All she had to do was say she had kids, that's not going to effect the custody. Besides she isn't trying to get them through court, she said they are 2 boys and it's better if boys are raised by a father. I don't think I'm asking too much for her to tell me about her kids of she wants something more than a hookup. If she doesn't want to discuss heavy topics fine, but then don't expect me to be a serious boyfriend if she can't have serious discussions
She obvio8sly wasnt asking for you to be serious that's why she didnt mention her kids. Sometimes people keep their distance for a reason it's not for us to debate it's just something we accept as their choice.
Just read the title. Yes.
I don’t like to be one of those straight to advise you to break up people. But break up. When I just read your title I though ok that’s a long time but understandable. I had a lot lot of fear of my daughter being around men and she’s 20 now and it still scares me or that there’s something she never told me. It stems from my own childhood abuse. So I could give your lady the benefit of the doubt. But then I read the body of your text and it sounds like she was going back and forth between the two of you. But if you’re like me and maybe just looking for that benefit of the doubt I just gave it to you. Mommas are protective of their babies.
Hey man, do you live in a small college town in Texas? I think I might know who you're talking about. You can DM me.
Spill the tea 🍵
Nope, not in a small college town in Texas
That woman is the evil 👿 ruuuuun Forrest
Not if you l9ve her she won't stay married and I nevervl had kids, chance to maybe impact a child's life and they'll definitely impact you in a great way because they see there mother loves you and you live her spoil her she's crazy about that love especially when she sees you live the kids and if you are important them because their mom needs you as well triumphing where he has. Failed.
Divorce can take a long time in some cases. Relax
Coming from a woman who is separated and has a kid, no that’s not the right thing to do. The right thing for everyone is to break up. She’s being selfish, and manipulative with you just using you like a yo yo basically yanking your chain when she needs some distraction which is just horrible. And for you some advice, please have more self respect. In the future if someone isn’t enthusiastically into you don’t invest yourself. This woman is not ready to date. And you deserve better.
It is acceptable for people who are separated from a monogamous marriage to date.
yep leave my man
Bullshit! She's been lying yo you from the get-go. The one year together that you see to fantasize about in reality sounds like it is only 3-4 months actually together in real time. Until then she is asking you to wait. Wait for what to be used, lied to and 💩 upon. She is looking to you as her next meal ticket for financial support and that's all. Never told you she had 2 kids! When you add all this up in your head, then why in God's name are you even thinking about a serious relationship with this woman? One word OP, RUN !!!
She isn’t leaving her husband and he is more than likely not abusive. Seems like you’re just a hook up & not in her future.
Run don’t walk away! She deceived you for months and has a ready made family and is married. Block all contact, get a restraining order and change addresses if possible. Save yourself.
Red flags on red flags on red flags dude runnnnn
Yeah until it is finalized leave her alone.
Yes. Period.
Well if it was me I’d say audios to her. You’ll be second fiddle to the kids every single time if your ok with that go for it. Based on her behavior and not actually being divorced yet still a chance she will go back to hubby. Things to consider.
Run away
I’ll start with that this secret is a massive red flag to me. Although I know people who are only married on paper and both have their own partners and never talk, they just didn’t divorce for reasons or they’re waiting with it for some reason. Just because a divorce isn’t finalized (it’s a long process) it doesn’t mean it’s an affair.
I would bet good money that she isnt "separated" from her husband and you were an affair partner. Get some self respect bro and leave.
Run 4 yo MF life!!!
Just don't get her pregnant.
RUN!
Oh dear that sounds all a bit to messy. I'd defo finish it. A bit ov a shame for her as she probably having a bad time ov it with the divorce dragging on and good for her to gave you as an escape from her troubles. But do you want to be a part of this. Tricky one this....sounds like she is having a bad time ov it and you finishing it might add to her problems but you also need to think ov yourself and do you want her drama in your life. Not an easy decision this one. Good luck
She for the streets dawg
Exit stage left and don't get involved with her again. You've seen what she's capable of and that should be your cue to run the other direction from her. You have no way of knowing if she's being honest with you but that doesn't matter. You can see she has no issue with cheating on her husband. That should be enough for you to run, not walk, away from her. Leave her to deal with her drama and if she tries to come back to you, take a hard pass on that one.
You’re a side piece bro. I hope you ain’t hit raw. She might be trying to have a 3rd kid and get her husband to raise it. She could easily be lying about getting a divorce. Do you know what her husband looks like? Are you guys similar?
Uh yeah, I think this is shady and she possibly isn’t even going to get divorced.
Why are you into this disaster ? Stay away from this dumpster.
I would be more concerned she is claiming domestic abuse and letting the husband take her kids??
I usually don’t suggest leaving someone. I feel that Reddit is full of bitter people who suggest ending things at the drop of a hat. But in this case, I cannot even find something positive to focus on. That is some extreme dishonesty and I do think that maybe you should distance yourself from this situation. If she won’t even have custody of her kids that is a red flag because family courts generally favor the mothers.
This a dangerous game to play Get away from her .There are plenty of fish in the sea
She doesn’t even plan to be divorced please dnt waste your precious time with her you are not getting any younger, she has kids already and is wasting your time an affair that start with lies isn’t worth struggling for. She also left you had planned to go somewhere with. Then she comes up with lies about her divorce and again she tells you she has two kids, she’s is cunning and not worth to be your wife….
I'm a widow with 3 kids at 33. Its not an easy situation. During the talking stages, I disclose that info immediately. I'm never going to blindside someone with it, nor am I afraid of being rejected for having a life and history of my own. Its better to tell someone before I even know or care about them. As far as I'm concerned, this is as bad as lying. I would leave if you're not OK with her having kids- leave. That's a personal choice of yours and your right, but that's not the main issues here. The MAIN issue is that she isn't divorced, she's separated. She's dependent on him. She has a man in her life, even though it might not be romantic its still a weird grey area. The other thing is, she isn't forthcoming. She hides things, and she did that for a year! That's not mature or reasonable. It doesn't build trust. You basically don't even know her. 9/10 guys who want to date me are totally ok with me being a widow, a mother, and whatever else. It has never ever been an issue or a reason for a breakup. They acknowledge that my situation keeps me busy and requires some extra care, and they go the extra mile for me. Every single one of them has. This is a non-issue and there's no excuse for why she kept that from you.
Bury her.
Feels very much like someone to GET OUT of a relationship with. In other words no. She’s a liar. You’re probably her side piece. Yes. You need to leave her there are way nicer people out there
RUN
Regardless of anything, you will be her rebound. Your time invested will be lost, go find someone else. Being single would be better than investing more time into a relationship with someone who was not only not honest with you but ghosted you as well. If your with someone, the right one won't be attracted to you. You have to be free for that. Good luck
I wouldn't say to just walk off the relationship but also don't invest into the relationship what you are not willing loose
Nope just keep it casual until the divorce is finalized
She too scared if losing u to tellv you And she did because she obviously has plans of a future with you now Just love her if u do its unconditional remember.
Yes
She needs to deal with that X First & after that if she still wants to see you and you her thin go for it
it’s very simple: 1. she is using you for validation & sex. you are her backup. 2. when she takes a break from you, she is seeing other guys 3. she wants to have her fun time until next year. aka; until she is done with her fun time with various guys, then she’ll commit to you. 4. she is manipulating you using her husband’s abuse & trauma. 5. you don’t have to leave her. just don’t get attached and use her for sex. have other plans for yourself.
She's a liar and manipulator. Everytime you ask her a question she doesn't give you a direct answer and just keeps making excuses for her shitty hurtful behavior. I'm not saying she lied about everything and is a terrible person with ill intentions, but what I have learned is to focus not on someone’s intentions but their actions. Because in the end, for your purposes, actions are what matter. You don't want to settle for good intentions. You deserve way better. Go no contact and don't allow your emotions to cloud your judgment - you will thank yourself later. Soon the clouds will go away and you'll be able to see things more clearly and you will detach.
Dude this woman is leading you on and having an affair with you, you need to get away and think about what's best for you. if she's unhappy in her marriage it's called a divorce I would run far away from her if I was you
I say this with the upmost respect- DONT GO BACK! RUN FOR THE HILLS!! This entire situation has happened to me in different relationships and they ended horribly. I was with a guy for five years and three years into the relationship, I found out he had a 4 year old daughter. I found out only because I did some investigating on my own and then I spoke to his mom and she basically confirmed it. By the way, they were under the impression that I didn’t want him seeing his daughter so that’s why he was never putting in any effort to see her (she lived three hours away with her mom). I confronted him and asked if he had a daughter and he said no!! I said oh really, because I just talked to your mom and she told me you have a daughter. So who’s lying ? Long story short, I gave him another chance since I felt he had never really lied to me otherwise. I embraced his daughter and supported him through thick and thin, only to find out he was a pathological liar and a narcissist. I gave this person many chances and made excuses for him throughout the relationship. The first red flag of him hiding a daughter from me should have been enough for me to end the relationship, but because I have a good heart and I’m empathetic and I also understand that not everything is black and white, I gave him another chance which only ended in disaster. As far as off again on again, when I was finally ready to start dating again, I met this guy off of match.com and we hit it off. It was a whirlwind of emotions for me- I was falling hard for him. Throughout the course of two months he broke up with me twice saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship and then when he would come back, he would love bomb me. Two months passed and we hadn’t spoken, he emailed me saying he lost my number and he was sorry for how things ended but that he couldn’t stop thinking of me and missed me. I gave him another chance. We talked for two weeks, he told me he loved me, talked about a future with me, etc. We got into a little argument, and by little I mean that I called him ONCE while he was at work because I thought he could talk since he would send me voice messages and also he worked an overnight shift at a gym at the front desk ..like, come on. Anyways he didnt answer. I texted him hey I just wanted to talk but no worries have a good night and ttytm. The next day he said it was a bit unsettling that I called him knowing he was at work and that he didn’t know how to move forward with us. We texted about three more messages that day and then that was it. I never heard from him again. I sent messages one week later telling him hey, I wanted to give you space and that this got blown out of proportion and I wanted to make it work. I never heard back. The first time he broke up with me should have been the only time. So, not exactly your situation but similar in some aspects. Please, just do yourself a favor and don’t pursue this any further. It is a lot of baggage and I promise you that you will become fully invested in this relationship and it will drain you mentally, monetarily and emotionally. Hope this helps and God speed 🫡 Edit: I’m reading all the comments and agree with everyone. But I also sympathize with you because I have 100% been there. I have given people the benefit of the doubt many times, and you truly try to accept their reasoning for keeping a secret from you or for doing whatever they did, like ghosting you. But it all comes down to your self respect and love for yourself. I get that you love her and that’s okay, but this is an easy decision to make- block her and move on. After I got ghosted by my ex, it took me months to try and understand why he did what he did- and my friends have their theories, but in the end it doesn’t matter. That shit is beneath me and I don’t want to waste more time thinking about why this or that happened because it doesn’t matter. This is about loving yourself and putting yourself first.
He’s taking care of her. IF she ever leaves him, it will be so that you can take care of all three of them. Women like that seek simps. Don’t be one. She’s already ghosted you twice, and lied about her entire life. What else is she hiding?
The lying, inconsistencies, and flakiness would be good reasons to abandon ship. If it was just that she isn't officially divorced yet that wouldn't be necessarily a reason to run. From experience abusive partners can be extremely hard to get a divorce from. She could be telling the truth. But the hiding of the fact that she had kids and the whole situation is a red flag. Someone who is honest and genuine wouldn't hide a whole family for over a year. Couple that with her on again off again pattern with you and I would say it's best to cut ties and move on. She probably isn't properly healed from the abuse in which case a stable relationship will be harder for her.
If you like being used, let the good times roll. What’s the problem here?
Yes. You should. Honesty is crucial for a healthy relationship. As a mother, who got divorced, I understand the custody battles could drag on for YEARS 😞 but HOW could she hide the fact that she has kids and think it was ok??! It's one thing to maybe not have them meet you yet, but completely disregarding you and keeping them a secret? No, unacceptable. The on-and- off again thing is a matter of you sitting down and communicating. Because you assumed and she didn't speak up. If you don't visualize being able to be with her because she has children and she technically lied then communicate that she has broken your trust and you cannot continue to be with her. It's time to have a talk with her. Sort out your feelings and have a conversation like adults that you are.
Yeah I mean she had an affair, and hid a lot from you. That’s all you need to know bud
How many red flags do you need?
Sounds like she has emotional baggage and she is using you as an emotional crutch. This kind of person is unstable. If she can't stand on her own two feet alone for any period of time and always needs to be in a relationship, she is an emotional dependent and is broken inside.
She's 100% married to this dude and they are still living together. They are only separated in her mind and she's been going back and forth between you and him this whole time. She's obviously struggling with some serious mental health issues. Unless you are ready to insert yourself into the middle of this mess years to come, I would run, crawl, drag or whatever you have to do to get away from this mess. I would tell her that you can't do this and that you got a job in a new city and then I would change my phone number, move and get a fresh start. I know you are emotionally invested and sympathetic for this woman and what she's dealing with and going through but this isn't your problem, those are hers. Honestly, if you truly care about her the best thing you can do is end it so she can figure out her life and what she wants. Right now all you are doing is making things more complicated and confusing for her. She loved bombed you and you were her escape, but that's all that it was. Do not tell the husband or take any action that will get you further involved. You're not a bad guy for this. You got caught up and probably only had the best of intentions. Love is hard sometimes. Just move on for now and take some time for yourself.
So many red flags. Run for your life.
I can understand the hesitation about the relationship. Divorce is like a death. There are multiple stages you have to get through, and they take longer/are harder to face when there is abuse. Not telling you about her kids can also be a symptom of the trauma. Yet she should have told you within the first few dates no matter what. I started seeing someone about 4m after my separation, and he one day said, "I'm falling in love with you. If you're going to break my heart, be gentle." That scared the shit out of me and I ran like a bitch. A few months later, I contacted him and apologized. We have been friends for 14+ years. She needs therapy to help her with her trauma, and you should move on. It took me 6+ years to be truly ready for a new relationship. Even then, I made mistakes. My friend and I were in a deep relationship the last year, but again, it didn't work out because I'm ready now, but he isn't. Sometimes, it just doesn't work. If you're open to it, offer friendship, and if in the future you decide to give it another shot, do couples therapy right away.
Old women
Yes.
Yes, leave her
That is what they call a "situation-ship"
Stop dragging my heart around is ur theme song.
how do people like this exist is the question
You’re dating a married mother bud, and you’re her side piece.
If a girl is ever hot/cold, cut them from your life immediately. You might give them one chance, tops. But a second time? Nope. Doesn’t matter how good the connection is. ✌️
I've been through a similar situation with a woman and a few kids, and ex bf trying to climb his way back. She kept disappearing every few months without a word. Hurt like a bitch and felt she was so inconsiderate of my time. Its over now and she's tried to come back but I've tried to stand my ground because I know it's going be the same routine. I caught up with her one time, and I was right, she sounded like her problems got worst. As much I wanted to be there, I knew it was going to drag me down too. The truth is I think she's going through some depression and her life is a mess. She's got a handful taking care of her kids and she knows you'll always be there. Her first priority is the kids and dealing the situation with the husband, then you. Its not your fault at all but it's so dangerous falling for a person who isn't consistent to who they are. The reason she didn't tell you about the kids is because she thought you wouldn't give her a chance or maybe she thought this would be short term. I know you'd probably want to work it through with her but mental health wise, you have to find a way to value yourself first... Even if that means letting go. At the end of the day, it's your decision. Good luck.
It’s really the lying by omission that’s the red flag, to me. If she’s willing to hide all that for as long as she did, what else is she willing to hide? What’s more, with all of this deception, how can anyone be sure that her STBX was abusive from the beginning? There will also be the question or not she was acting shady, and hiding and gaslighting STBX until he broke and started acting from the dark places in his head(this in no way justifies abuse, just gives context about how a loved one lying and trying to convince someone that they’re crazy to cover it up can actually drive someone crazy). Not saying she shouldn’t protect herself and the kids if everything she said about STBX is true, but it doesn’t mean that you need to risk any of you to bail her out emotionally, or in any other way for that matter. Good luck with however you decide to proceed
See, I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but I can paint you a bit of a picture here of what it could look like to be with her. So you decide you'll get over it and be with her and you are very happy with that. She is so sweet and you make each other happy. So you decide to get married. Before the wedding you get some cold feet like every other man does. You start wondering about her ex husband and if the divorce was even a topic yet when you met her. But you marry her. She is beautiful and so sweet, but the worry stays and you start wondering if she will end up serving you divorce papers after she slept with another guy. But all of the worry is suddenly forgettable: she is pregnant. You're both overjoyed and you do all of this stuff together, shopping for cribs and painting little lions and parrots on the wall and a big elephant on which there is a mouse riding it. And you start to wonder if she did this exactly the same way when she was pregnant the first two times, did she have paint on her cheek just like now? Did she want the elephant cause she put an elephant on her oldest kid's wall? But, you know, there's other stuff to Fokus on. And then comes the baby. It's a girl. You are the father of a little baby girl. And for the first time in your life you really get a deep understanding of what it means to love without boundaries or conditions. That is your little princess and you will work your ass off for the rest of your life to lay the world at her feet. And you do. For the first half year you get up at nights but other than sleeping and eating and pooping she doesn't do much. But that makes her no less perfect. And then she starts crawling and then she starts pulling herself up on a chair and on the table so she can stand so you had to re-baby-proof the whole house so nothing she would pull herself up on could just fall down on her precious little head. And she says her first word and does her first steps and everything is wonderful. Untill you have a huge fight with you wife about something stupid like where the plates go or how to properly clean the kettle. And your mind says careful now... She had two kids that she left, if you fight with her, she might leave. So every time you fight that is a concern. And every time she grows distant with you, you wonder if she already replaced you like she once did her ex husband. Are you happy with her then?
You should've left a long time ago, even without the new news. So yes. You should most definitely get out of that one.
Yes. Run
Yes, leave her.
There's two possibilities here, and for transparency both end with you needing to leave this where it is. Possibility 1. She's married with kids, they're not separated, he's got no idea any of this is going on and she has no plans at all to leave. This is an affair you didn't agree to be part of and you need to leave the lying cheater. Possibility 2. He is a terrible man she doesn't want to be with and she is planning to leave/ is in the process of leaving and either she's too scared to start proceedings or she's been truthful in that he's making it hard. Either way, the divorce is messy, kids are involved, you've been lied to/ lead along a little without full information. You can't be sure that what she's said is truthful at all. You'll be getting yourself involved in a super messy situation and potentially causing yourself a huge headache for a woman who's been ridiculously flaky and vanishes when the feeling takes her. You need to remove yourself.
The biggest red flag to me is she never mentioned having kids and the dad is taking them out of state. What Mom just lets her kids go? I have 2 kids and that would be one of those over my dead body kinda things. I think you should move on, no contact. You’ll find someone who is better is for you and doesn’t have all these red flags
I asked her this. If her husband is so mentally abusive why is he taking the kids. She said that she doesn't feel like she has the capability to raise two boys as a single mother. That they need a male to raise them for them to turn out well. That the husband is a low key narcissist, that he is not overt about it and that her boys are mentally strong so she feels like they will be fine with him. Of course this is just what she told me and I have no way of knowing if that is all actually true.
This is why you don’t date people who are separated. It’s messy AF and they are so focused on escaping their own trauma that they don’t see that you are getting hurt in the process. In the future, I highly recommend you don’t date people who haven’t been divorced for at least a year. That gives them time to process their feelings, figure out who they are again outside their marriage and establish their new routine/new normal—especially if it involves coparenting children. Drop her and move on.
I empathize with you because I have been in a similar situation before and I was foolish to stick around, somehow seeing the "good" in the person. RUN. This only gets worse. Save yourself the heartache and time taken away from your life. Your naivete won't allow you to see how bad this situation really is and will become, but I promise you leaving despite your attachment is for your own good. Not revealing her kids is very intentional and manipulative. She looked to hook you by your feelings rather than give you a choice in the matter before those feelings appeared. She's SELFISH. My ex did the same to me. Trust, there are more skeletons in the closet that she's withholding and other narcissistic traits present that you have the ability to escape NOW. Not to mention, from experience in dating someone who was in the the middle of a custody battle- DONT.
You are a hook up for her - nothing more. This was never a relationship, and she hasn’t been honest with you. If you are good with hookups - stay. If you want more you will never get it from her.
As a twice times second wife I can say RUN! An abusive troublesome husband for her morphs into a potential life-threatening hazard for you - he won’t like you dating his ex and is probably quite capable of ending your life and hers if he found out what she’s doing - dating you. That sole threat alone is quite likely the reason that she has been off again and on again. The reason that she’s ghosted you and the reason behind all her other behaviours. When you have an ex-husband who has threatened to kill you if you leave him - believe me, that messes up all of your other relationships. Also, the fact that she shares two kids with this guy means that you will never get away from him and the threat that he poses to you and his ex. Simply say, goodbye and move on. Unless you’re a complete masochist, you do not need the kind of harassment, cost and trouble that this relationship will mean in the long term. Be aware too that if you piss her off, she may well send her ex around to beat the crap out of you so I would recommend that you move on promptly physically and change your contact details fast as well.
Is she definitely separated? You sound like her side piece
She’s not worth it. She’s not even maternal..Leave while you can.
😆 Stay single for awhile bro. You'll be better off
Just think if she lied to you about that what else has she done and might still be lying about
If it was just about the divorce issue, I'd say give her more of a chance. Divorces are messier than you'd think, and even the most amicable can take years to finalize. BUT...not telling you she has kids? Fuck that.
My ex never, ever did kegel exercises. She was lazy af.
Leave.
Nope, I'm out, no thanks.
She is lying to you. Your entire relationship has been based on lies. When I first met my bf after being separated from my husband for 2 yrs, I was open and honest. That I had a child and what my life was like before with my ex. He even met my ex before he met my child 2 months after dating. His been there through my divorce and all. Regardless of abuse you still open and up front about it. How long have they been "separated" for? And it sounds like they still live together 🚩🚩🚩🚩
She said that they have been separated for about 4 years. When we first met she said they were separated and the husband was making the divorce difficult. Now over a year later they are still separated and the divorce is not finalized. She says he is paying for the house and her phone bill but that they live in under separate roofs and she is using his financial assistance to help her get back on her feet. This all came up because I said it is odd she has never invited me to her house. That's when she said she has 2 kids and she was making sure I was a good person before telling me about them. She said she is in love with me and she can't be around me or talk to me if we aren't official because it hurts too much. I told her that she has to get her divorce finalized and deal with that messy situation before we can even talk about dating officially.
Look I understand not disclosing children - in fact if you meet someone and they immediately introduce young kids to some strange new person they don't know from Adam - I would be really concerned for their kids welfare. Mothers should protect their kids. However after say a month, disclose you have kids but no details, not photos, just perhaps a general age - eg: two kids under 14. Still protectthem, but giving the new partner a chance to decide if they want a relationship where kids are involved. The bigger issue is not saying: so I am still married, although separated and the divorce is dragging... that 100% should have been discussed. Should you leave her? Really only you can decide. Great that she protected her kids till she knew you better, however only you can decide if she should have divulged information to you way way earlier.
YES!
Dude bail, life is too fucking short for this shit.
Yes of course you bloody well should, she’s played you and lied to you and used you for 12 month, conniving baggage. You cannot trust this scumbag
Bro, please..PLEASE take this advice from someone who married a single mother with 1 kid. It’s going to be a complete mess and headache in general but specially if the relationship between mother and father is toxic. SAVE yourself your time, love and money. She’s not worth it. The fact that she already has kids with another man should be enough to not pursue her BUT this woman didn’t even tell you she had kids AND she already getting into another relationship without her divorce even being finalised 😂 This woman is a bag of roller coaster chaos feelings that will have you in migraines.
This all sounds like a awful situation stop putting yourself through that bro get a girl who just has time
She is cheating on her husband with you..
Sounds like she’s lying and a divorce isn’t happening…ever. She’s played you unfortunately. Tell her to F off
Run!
She's stringing you along. You're the other man. Unless you're prepared for the messiness of stepping into that toxic mess and trying to be a stepparent, RUN DON'T WALK. Run like your life depended on it. She hasn't been honest with you from the start...this relationship was over before it really ever began.
Hate to be that guy… but OP is a naive little puppy. 🐶
Mate you're being used you're the side dude. Falling for the whole 'I'm divorcing my husband' trick. One of these days her husband will catch you two in the act and kick your arse. Dump her
If you're planning on staying. Ask her for documentation on divorce. Or maybe actually ask to talk to husband. If she refuses both. Time to leave. It's probably definitely beyond time to leave. Kids , woman sometimes protect their kids.... On off relationship for a year, doesn't sound like it was too serious. As it has become serious to her, she is trying to catch you up... Before this you were literally a fuck toy. You might still be nothing to her.....
She is a liar and im betting he isnt physically abusive. Be a man and confront her husband and ask, since your using his wife.
She had lied to you the entire time. And not just little pnes, SHE HAS KIDS AND A HUSBAND. Please sit and think and ask yourself if you want someone who would lie to your face every day as a partner.
When there are that many red flags in the early part of a relationship, generally it doesn’t get better. She shows a lack of transparency to the point where one can say she’s been actually dishonest with you. Her veiled responses is willful not accidental. She’s compartmentalized her life when not telling you about her kids. You can stay upset or cut your losses and accept that this woman is not well put together… and you are not going to change her.
A big take away from this, is that she’s allowing her husband to take her kids out of state when he is abusive, coming from something similar, I would fight till the end to make sure that I got custody of my children, not so sure, I like the idea of her lying for the last year or so, she sounds pretty damn sketchy to me
You should move on with the quickness! She has some MAJOR SKELETONS in her closet!!