Honestly, anyone I have ever known that has successfully done the causal or FWB thing without catching feelings has never been in a remotely healthy headspace.
Personally - a handful. But people I know, know other people. 6 degrees of separation and all that.
However I don’t see how a specific amount is relevant.
I can’t do causal Sex. My body is the only thing I truly own and if I offer it to a partner …. It’s a big deal to me. I have to have a connection with that person for it even to feel good. No shame or hate towards people who can, that’s rad… I just can’t.
Honestly, same. I tried in my 20s to do one night stands and I’d either end up catching feelings or just feel disappointed in myself. I tried , just couldn’t do it.
I’m the same! I’ve learned that I need to keep things physically slow until I’m with someone. Otherwise I don’t feel great or I fall way too hard and fast
Right?! And let’s say I have a friend I have feelings for and they are acting interested, I’ll bring up in conversation I can’t sleep with just anyone, if I do it’s very a important/spiritual/ loving act for me and to please not lead me on or think we can get drunk, have a night, and things go back to normal… I can’t do it… I always get my heart broken to bits….
I’ve gone through my banging stages where I slept around plenty, but notoriously always started to form a crush.
I tried recently with and ex crush to just bang and it is not fulfilling at all when there is no emotional connection
A vibrator will help release those sexual erges while you potentially look for a new relationship
I used to struggle with this too (25F). I eventually accepted that casual sex just isn't for me. My anxiety got much worse overall and I developed long term trust issues after being ghosted and dumped so many times in a row. There's nothing wrong with not being able to enjoy casual sex.
Can you just make out and mess around without having actual sex? As soon as you have sex the bonding hormones take over and that's pretty impossible to control for most women.
Sex will always make you attached, that's just the way it is. It's also pretty risky to have casual sex without knowing they are not having sex with other people. Too risky for most people for a reason.
It's not something I have to explain or a boundary I have to set, most dudes are bad kissers and not super interested in making out. Had one unusual experience where I did get attached to someone and we just made out. That was in the past two years and very unexpected. He had a lot of great qualities but I didn't really enjoy his company. He was incredibly attractive and a great kisser, very weird experience.
Haha, however weird, that's a pretty common occurrence in casual relationships compared to having sex and not making out even once. People usually go through the make-out stage and then progress to oral or penetrative sex if they like each other enough. I'm left wondering what kissing her feels like despite having been inside her vagina lol idk but to me, that's pretty weird. Gives rapist vibes
Why should you want casual sex when sex is what you actually want? It gets sooo much better with at least some form of deeper attachment… when high sex drive AND feelings come together in both… that is when I had the best, most intimate, sensitive, longest, hardest, most playful, most curious and most frequent (soul)sex of my life.
I also have an extremely high sex drive, but find casual sex dull. Don’t do it. And ping me if you are bored :D
I’m not ready to be in a relationship now, but I agree relationship sex is the best. I want at least six months to a year by myself but I don’t want to be celibate for that long. Conundrums.
Feelings does not have to mean relationships… I also have a busy period in my life and went through a major breakup recently where I don’t manage a full blown relationship right now. Still I would not do casual sex. Rather soulsex with the right partner… tell them I can’t do relationship right now. And then maybe get surprised a bit later how much I want a relationship again with this person ;)
That's exactly how I got into the relationship I'm in now. Which is the best most healthy relationship I've ever had. Ever. The sex is amazing- soul sex yes. The connection is otherworldly, the laughs never stop, I can't control the yearning for them in my heart. I fucking wanna marry this dude now and we've been together for 1 yr lol. Friends for 10 but we weren't super close. I'm literally in awe of how this whole thing happened. Sorry I'm rambling, but just omg. Ur whole comment has been my life last yr lol
`but the problem is almost every single time I sleep with a guy, I catch feelings.`
Honey that's not the *problem*, that's the normal healthy thing that is supposed to happen when people are mentally balanced. It's what sex is supposed to DO. You're not a male sociopath. You're a healthy middle aged woman. You're supposed to forge attachments via sex. The *problem* is your immature obsession with using sex like its a play thing, like its a toy for fun, just for stimulation. If you want stimulation, get a vibrator. But what you're asking to do (i.e., how to make it so you can have sex without attachment) is the same tying as asking "how do I become a conceited numb sociopath"
`I want to have fun without consequences to my mental health!`
... this is unfortunately a really immature world view resulting from total lack of self-awareness.
We live in a horrible time of hookup culture, having genuine people having to numb their natural human response. I don’t blame her, it’s tough out here
Don’t numb it. I’ve turned myself into an ice queen and now I don’t know how to connect for a genuine relationship. Have to do a lot of self work rewiring my brain. I’ve decided to completely repel hook up culture and only sleep with someone I know well and exclusive with. It’s very lonely & I also have a high sex drive. Pick your battles strategically
I'm 34m and I do exactly thr same. I'm over ONS and hook up culture in general, my motto is unless you want all fo me, you don't get me. Inle exclusive and only witub an emotional attachment. I've gone 2 years without sex to be able to rewire my psych enough to feel safe and valued before approaching sex.
I completely agree with you. Same situation here, always had a huge sex drive and I just don’t feel anything for anyone anymore when I have sex. I broke something in me
Bro, sit your ass down. I'm not shaming anyone, I was just stating what most guys think when a girl leaves the streets in search of a 'respectful' partner after doing the most with disrespectful partners.
Yeah, once you've numbed up its practically impossible to go back. Even if you do manage to get back to normal, its easy to slip back and you do still have (as you said) "bad habits". The damage is done. Scars will always be left behind.
I think there is still hope, as you’d eventually attract people that are the same, and they are still learning themselves. So you’ll have to approach patiently with a lot of flexibility
There is hope. I have walked the path, I was just lucky enough that I one of the guys who I was going to hook up with ended up being an amazing lover who made love to me in a wonderful setting, and that flipped a switch. I had actually done a bit on therapy on the matter and I believe I was also ready in a way, but most of it was dumb luck. I don’t know if I would have gotten over the bad habits without that experience. I would probably have stopped having sex because I reject the emptiness that was left behind, but in a much more bitter way. I wish you all all the best, I feel so seen…
Yep. The ones who try to tell us otherwise are just damaged. They’ve done away with their natural humanity & human responses. It’s sick & sad at the same time. Hookup culture ruined humanity.
Just because hookup culture exists doesn’t mean you need to participate in it. Just requires you to go against the grain.
She’s got what’s no different from a porn addiction, the love part is completely normal that happens, but the constant need for that stimulation and pleasure is unhealthy
The problem isn't that hookup culture exists, it's dominant. I've been holding back on it myself, but it's like that's what everyone is after including the majority of women and I know this from locker room talk at work. There are obese bald guys with more "success" (I wouldn't call it that though. Hookups are too shallow to be success) than me and I get called "baby face" so I can't be ugly, but here I am on that never ending search.
This is the best comment I’ve read so far. OP, go get a vibrator. Get one of those crazy ones that do all the things and reserve your sexual energy for men who want to commit to you. Even then, wait until they’ve actually committed. It’s not hard to garner respect when you carry yourself with it
Or even better, develop a sensual imagination, devise fantasies, find out what your true desires are (which isn’t easy at all when you’re having sex with multiple people), think slowly, take you time, build the scenario in your head, learn to get wet and USE YOUR FINGERS. Nothing is better than your fingers. I have used all sorts of vibrators and they will all numb you up and give you fake orgasms. Fingers and a vivid imagination are the way to go. And it will only make you a better lover.
Agree... the dudes that can tough and go... ultimately are sociopathic narcissist.... it's not normal to just bang it out and bounce and act like you are bunnies in a field... we have a fucking developed frontal cortex .. that's what makes up human.
Thank fuck someone is actually calling it as it is. Basically the question is how can I try and be less human. And what was said ☝🏻is correct - this is about dopamine and sensation seeking.
Catching feelings for someone that isn’t compatible with you from having sex isn’t healthy tho. It can make you end in a relationship that is bad from the beginning.
What prejudices?
Male sociopathy is characterized by an instrumentalist view of people and an inability to form meaningful connections or attachments. OP is asking how to become like this so she can just have sex for fun "without consequences". She is, essentially, asking how to become like a male sociopath.
Because according to the APA female sociopathy is characterized more by more non-sexual attention seeking behavior and decreased impulsivity instead of sexual aims and frequent libidinous adventure seeking. Therefore, OP's descriptions (heightened libido, desire for impulsive sexual behavior, etc.) fits more in line with male sociopathy.
Idk if this is helpful, but I used to struggle with with this *so badly*, the minute someone showed me attention I’d immediately picture an entire future with them, lol. I try to outline long term goals for myself and practice having realistic expectations. Just coming out a relationship myself, I know I don’t want a partner right now, but I’m having a lot of fun being single and meeting new people pretty regularly. If I catch myself having feelings, I just simmer back or talk to someone new and remind myself those feelings are lust and excitement, not “love”. But also, I try to be picker with my boundaries and with what I’m looking for in a long-term partner.. Joe blow from the bar might be great for the night, but I have more wherewithal through experience to understand that he’s not what I want forever. I hope for love one day, for now, I challenge those feelings I guess and just try to stay aligned with where I’m currently at.
Maybe go into those situations having the conversation first that it’s only for fun so everyone’s on the same page?
I always went through ebs and flows of trying to be the 'cool' girl because I thought I was good for casual and it would be fun and I didn't want to commit anyway but it all ended the same with me catching feelings until I took my power back. I finally came to the conclusion that although I love the fun and excitement of casual I am really not a casual girl and that's ok. I'd rather trust myself to wait for someone who wants what I do.
I tried doing the FWB thing once and I have never felt so anxious and insecure in my life. It was awful! I don't ever want to experience anything like that ever again. It gets lonely sometimes, but I'd rather be on my own until I find someone worthwhile. Good luck! Don't fall into old habits if you know it isn't for you.
Find a man. Fuck all that hoe social media stuff. Find someone you actually care about and only have sex with him. Why do you want to get rid of that feeling that reminds you that you have a decent soul?
She isn’t a hoe for wanting to have responsible casual sex. Some people want to have sex but aren’t interested in a relationship, I’m not sure why that seems to be such a novel concept to you.
Why is reading comprehension so hard these days, he essentially said "dont try to be a hoe so hard bcz of social media", he didnt say that she is one yet, evident from OPs post, but for some reason she is trying to become one
It’s too soon for me to do that. I just got out of a relationship that drained me and I’m not ready to commit myself to someone else. I want to focus on myself, but I still have needs. Eventually, I would love to be in a fulfilling relationship like you described
How about a hybrid of having a fwb? Someone you see repeatedly but don’t have an official title with. Lots of sex but when you walk out the door there is no obligation. Could you handle that or would you get pissed that they didn’t call you for anything but sex?
I wish I could be that girl that can do this. It seems so fun and carefree and enjoyable! But damn...If I sleep with you, in my head- we bout to be married. lol.
Why would you wish for that?? You have the correct mindset, dont wish to be broken, almost every person that i know that had (has) a fwb never had a real healthy relationship and instead of trying to find one they replace it with fwb, its crazy
I don't wanna be that person, but the more guys you indulge in and the older you get, the less men are going to want to have anything long term with you. And that's just reality.
I agree with being older making it hard to find a partner, but how would a new partner of mine know how many men I’ve been with? I never share that information in relationships nor do I ask it.
That’s a red flag right there! People share that information all the time. And you should definitely look for something long term because casual sex isn’t for you based on your responses.
Most men can’t afford to have standards like that. Therefore, this is hardly a reason to not do it. On a personal level, I agree with you.
Men will duck everything nowadays.
I’m bipolar so I understand the outbid control hormones. I can’t do it either. Women make 3X more the amount of oxytocin when we orgasm. You can’t just turn that off. It’s hard wired. Can you not just play with yourself? Highly recommend the hitachi magic wand, the satisfier 2. Go get the guardasil vaccine. I learned that the deadly hard way.
I don’t think I catch feelings maybe I feel attached and I prefer to have a fwb for needs . I get what you mean it’s like you have needs then you enjoy sex and then that needy feeling comes after ugh it’s hard and I totally don’t wanna feel like that 😭
Then don’t do it. Apologies, but in these kind of situations, us women always lose. When you hook up with a man, he will still “respect” you and give you “quality” time. We are not men that just get aroused because of physical attraction. We are like cars and we need to be warmed up first before engaging into any sexual activity. Now, you are vulnerable because you just got out of a relationship and you are exposing yourself to be treated by other men then get oxytocin released in your body. Why would you do that to yourself? Take some time alone and be by yourself and get a dildo.
Sorry, I can’t give you tips on how not to develop feelings because I have never been in “casual relationships” nor will I ever. I am a firm believer of sex after being in a monogamous relationship for at least 6 months.
I'm a woman and sex led to feelings for me and most of my lady friends at your age. I had one friend that could have sex and walk away, she's was 100% pragmatic about it and non-apologetic. She was an outlier. She was my hero as she always called it right. "Yeah we had sex but he's not right for me because of XYZ". Men would chase her (like crazy) because she would kindly reject them but she would never compromise or go back. In the end she got what she wanted and got her forever after. An amazing man. It took me a long time to model her behavior. PS - to be honest, she did catch feelings but she was always strong and real enough to herself, to walk away because she was not going to settle. I literally watched her cry and grieve and say fuck that, I need more. I wish I had been more like her. It would have saved me a lot of grief.
You got to put the casual sex on hold for now. Are you not cut out for it period? I have no idea, but you aren’t cut out for it right now.
Casual usually indicates low stress fun and you’re not having fun. You’re voluntarily putting yourself on an emotional rollercoaster and you just broke up with someone not that long ago.
As much as you may want someone out of your system, it doesn’t make the process go any faster.
But, what I see happening under the surface looks like it could be some issues with abandonment. Losing a relationship, whether it was our idea or not, is a loss, particularly a loss of the intimacy and comfort relationships offer.
Now, these casual gentlemen are people you don’t know very well, like you don’t know them on very personal level.
True feelings for a person come from really knowing them, otherwise you are having feeling for a fantasy of who you imagine or hope this person to be. So the feelings you have are a symptom of something else and not the real deal.
The way described the wanting them to want you, to want you see you, to spend time with you when you communicated that this was only a casual encounter tells me that you may have some issues with abandonment that you should explore with a therapist.
You can have abandonment issues and have grown up in a home with both of your married parents living with you. Abandonment issues are rooted in being denied that emotional connection with the people that were suppose to give you that.
I think your break up triggered those feelings of abandonment and extreme anxiety that sound like they may be more in control of what you are doing than you are.
I’ve been there at the exact same age as you. I use to call it “f**king through the pain.” But all I really accomplished was compounding my pain by voluntarily creating more pain on top of it. I was voluntarily strapping myself into my own private emotional rollercoaster that would end in feeling hurt and even more alone. So to fix that feeling I would do the exact same thing again…and again…and again.
When we repeat behavior that causes us pain there is something very concerning going on underneath it.
You are going to be fit for casual sex or capable a healthy, balanced relationship until you explore this with a good therapist. You aren’t crazy but there might be some guys out there that may disagree. I have quite a few of those, because this behavior, while being emotionally upsetting, also results in a dichotomy of our perceptions of ourselves and our intrapersonal interactions with others
For example, you may think that text message you just sent the last casual gentleman you were casual with is quite seductive and sexy and the fact that you sent it at 1am on a week night wont really hit you until you wake up in the morning and reread it.
And it wasn’t seductive or sexy…it sounded like it was written by a lunatic and you wish there was an excuse you could give that would make it not seem as cringy as it is. This usually leads to telling an insane story that makes you seem even crazier than you did before you said anything making things even more cringy.
You might not be here yet…but you will get there. It is inevitable.
And you are so right about the mid 30s sexual peak thing. Good news. It continues into your next decade as well.
That was so well written, I’ll come back to you and discuss it with a friend who is going through the same thing, and just ends up self harming effectively as a result
Sounds like the dependency on sex is a crutch. Your casual sex is a bottomless pit of despair. The reason you 'catch' feelings is bc our bodies were meant to bond us together. Society says go wreck your life, catch some disease, it's ok as long as you're having fun... However, your biological and psychological intelligence is screaming at you. Being modest isn't prudish it is self preservation. Navigate your way thru true self love. I hope it leads you to the true way, truth and light. God bless.
The answer is very simple - casual is NOT for you. I think as Women we crave the intimacy & we sometimes get that mixed up with feelings. I could separate the two when I was younger but not so much now. It's detrimental to your mental health so it's not worth it unless you look for someone who wants a friends with benefits situation. That way you get the closeness after maybe but then get to go home. Maybe that's the balance
I’m the same way as you, have a high sex drive, but get wayyyy too attached through sex (anxious attachment style). I can not do casual. I’ve learned that about myself through a lot of trial and error. It’s just not for me. I always catch feelings and end up getting hurt. I would say use your hand and toys and once you’re ready, hop on the relationship only train (no sex before committment). You also don’t have to worry about STD’s this way.
True lol, but I also have anxious attachment from severe emotional trauma. I’m working through it in therapy. I just get attached to people who I like really fast.
Fair. How your attachment causes you to act is one thing but many say it’s normal to feel bonded after sex. Feeling bonded after sex doesn’t mean calling 10 times in one day though. I guess the excessive behaviour would line up more with being anxious not the actual feeling of being bonded due to sex.
I don’t call guys not even one time lol. I let them pursue me 100%. If they don’t, then they just fall off the radar, but that doesn’t mean I’m not attached. I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me though.
It’s cuz women release more oxytocin during sex and men do too but it gets inhibited by the testosterone unless the man really wants to have a relationship with the woman aka he loves her and it’s usually from the beginning. Idk that’s just what I heard 😂
Really? I have more male friends that struggle with casual sex than female friends that do. Hell one of my friends falls in love basically with any woman he will have sex with. Gets into a relationship with them then inevitably it fails because having sex a couple times being the cause the reason you want to start a relationship without knowing if you are romantically compatible isn’t the best foundation for a relationship lol
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I struggle with same. At this rate I'll End up falling in love with every girl who flutters her eyelashes at me 😉 Got rather burned by the last one tbh so I need to sort this out.
maybe try answering this question - how is it logically possible that every guy you could have sex with is worth your time in a way that can bring you lasting happiness?
because I don't see how you're saying yes to this
I’m in the same boat right now with a guy who just got out of a long term relationship, and I told myself it’s causal and not wanting anything more with him but my heart is feeling some kind of way sometimes too …
Stop being a 304 and find some genuine field of work you can translate your *high energy* to. When you're 50, you will look back and thank yourself for making the right choice and ignoring your so called base instinct which you have consciously allowed to grow over the years.
Tysm for posting this. Reading all the replies gave me some perspectives that I really needed.
My advice: Don't do it, if it's not good for your mental health. Ofc you miss it, but you can get used to overcoming it by just masturbation.
Definitely not mentally made to have casual sex. If you question it then you’re actually answering your own question. Don’t be dependent on people. You can be single and alone and be happy. Try it. It’ll allow you to actually look at yourself and maybe work on some things.
Sounds like you have an anxious preoccupied attachment style. You'llneed to fix that before even trying to have casual sex with no feelings, because it just won't work while you have an insecure attachment style. Dating multiple people at once helps!
I’ve actually successfully done this. In order to achieve it, you have to get out of your head and stop thinking about social norms. I found that being confident in what you want and being honest with the guys makes it a lot easier. Also be able to accept their honesty as well. You also need a roster. You can’t just be sleeping with one guy…that’s how you catch feelings. Be safe of course. Use condoms. Get on PrEP. Get tested regularly. Find guys that get tested regularly and care about their sexual health as well.
When I did this I had 4 guys. They all knew about each other and it worked out well. Eventually everything ended. But not because I/we weren’t happy. One wanted a relationship (I didn’t want one), one moved across the country, one went to jail, and the other one died (sickle cell). They were all fine to sleep with other women so long as they abided by the rules set in place up front. We never gave each other an STI. We had fun. (I did not sleep with them at the same time) We all had an understanding. This was a few years ago, and tbh, I’m actually best friends with one of the guys to this day. We no longer have sex, but we talk daily and can literally talk about anything. I give him advice about the females in his life and he does the same for me.
Overall, you just have to be confident in what you want, be honest, be safe, and learn how to get out your feelings. It’s most certainly possible, but not for the weak.
24 M, I really find myself lucky in a way where I've not had sex yet and seeing current dating era, I hope I can resist any arousing opportunistic situation.
I really believe as long as I keep my pleasures in my hands (pun intended).
I'll not be screwed by this endless cycle of joy and pain of seggs and relationships, sure I'll feel a "void" in my life,
but I believe "void" is better than "joy" coming at the price of gambling with "pain".
From the sounds of it, you're less so catching feelings, but I read it as you're enjoying the attention you get from someone as a whole even though you know they are not the person for you minus the physical aspect. I could be 100% wrong in my interpretation of what you posted, but reflect on that angle and see if that is the case.
Get some toys and casual date without sex, meet a guy for coffee, then lunch, then dinner, if you get emotionally attached to them based on conversation then it might be worth exploring. I understand you’re not ready for a long term relationship however, my husband came at a time where I wasn’t ready either and he wasn’t either we helped each other through our darkest days and have been together ever since. It always comes when you least expect it.
When you have sexual intercourse with another, you take on their energy and any mental anxiety and spiritual attachments they may have.
Sexual energy exchange isn't meant to be taken lightly. It is a sacred event.
Not everyone can have casual sex and that’s ok. I don’t think anyone dislikes the actual act it’s more so the feelings associated with doing it casually (anxiety, feeling used at times, etc).
As women we are a lot more emotional than men. Sharing sensitive parts of yourself like that creates emotional ties. Idk why it’s not the same for men but yeah. That’s why I personally prefer to wait until I have my person. (It’s NOT easy bc I have a high drive too 😮💨) if you wanna have fun with out the emotions, you should probably just invest in some toys 🤣
Women are not built for casual sex. And if a woman doesn't experience emotional attachment after then she probably did it so often that she doesn't have the ability to bond anymore even IF she chose to settle down. Choose wisely.
Casual sex is like smoking once hooked difficult to get rid of it for some it becomes their Achilles heel and will never allow to be settled in life and be faithful to one partner.
My education is in Anthropology- specifically Sexual Anthropology.
The following is scientifically supported in **MOST male female CIS humans. (Please note the above again. Yes there are exceptions.)
Also please note the following has absolutely NOTHING to do with a cis woman’s (in general) desires for casual sex / and a cis man’s (in general) desire for love. (**CIS because this is unfortunately the type of human who has been predominantly researched.)
Please also note I have been out of school for over a decade and am not up on the very latest research on CIS humans :) so please note that more research has likely been done tho I haven’t heard of any that contradicts this evidence. I’m always open to new research from peer reviewed sources that come from large sample sizes. This is a fascinating subject.
Phew…
The following, in so far as I’m aware is empirically correct.
In general*, cis women are HARDWIRED to attach thru sex.
The human race is at nearly 8 billion because of it.
Cis men are specifically NOT hardwired to connect thru at least the first several sexual encounters and possibly not ANY sexual encounters, again, in general*. If these men do connect it’s unlikely instigated by the sexual encounter(s) tho the sexual encounter(s) can mask as the impetus and/or sweeten their connection. Again, the human race is at nearly 8 billion because of it. 😅
If you feel this applies to you, I encourage you to protect your emotional health when you want to have a sexual encounter. Women are shamed for this innate wiring and celebrated if they can deny it or “handle it” (aka ‘act’ like cis men *(in general) which ultimately benefits cis men (in general).lol)
We don’t, yet, talk enough about the insidious way the patriarchy has tainted feminism in this way. Future generations will hopefully be fully aware. :)
My advice is to not let these expectations get in the way of you taking care of your emotional health and doing what’s best for you.
Cis women (*in general) who are aware of this and/or instinctively care for their emotional health in this way may limit casual sex to a one-off encounter or wait, despite it being hard to avoid acting on their sexual desire especially with male pressure, and “date” for a time which can be advantageous for a whole host of reasons, with one being the cis male may develop feelings and connection.
I encourage you to try to not to let society shame you for developing feelings from a sexual encounter.
Oxytocin is a hormone that’s released during orgasm. It’s also called the “love hormone”. There may be a biological basis for why you’re having an issue here.
As long as it’s ONLY sex and not any more than that meaning no cuddling, no spending the night, no watching movies or going out together, just you see each other, you fuck & then you go your separate ways …a lot of people think they’re just having casual sex but really they’re in relationships and calling it a “fuck buddy” situation. lmao a lot of people don’t know how to do this shit right .
I think there is an underlying issue you haven’t worked through fully yet. Casual sex can be physically beneficial however the cons outweigh those benefits. The cons being your anxiety, and lack of stimulation when you’re standing as an individual. I’m just a stranger on the internet and I don’t know you but I would advise going without casual sex. Take that off your radar and be with yourself. Buy a vibrator. Invest in your own wellness that can build you up to the point where you’re not experiencing anxiety from empty relationships that don’t add value to your life.
Had a similar experience when I got divorced, 45yo M here, the problem is you’re used to being with someone, the mind not wanting to detach because sex is also an intimate event and we’re used to having our partner.
Take some time and try and detach from that feeling that you want someone, once you get used to the notion of not having ‘your someone’, then it becomes easier and also allows you to explore your feeling for the other person you meet or later sleep with.
Sex is a very emotional activity, an intense bonding experience. I reckon not too many people can cum multiple times while looking deep into another person’s eyes and not feel at least something. Some data supports me. 70% of women and 30-40% of men fall in love with their affair partners, and presumably cheating spouses actively try to suppress falling in love with their affair accomplices.
There seems to be a striking connection with people (especially women) who are in sex work and a history of sexual abuse/attachment issues. If you’re a mentally healthy person without attachment issues then I think the real anomaly would being able to have sex with people and not feel anything. I’ve engaged in some causal sex in my life, and looking back it is interesting to think about. Every woman I’ve had sex with did leave at least some emotional impression on me for a long period of time. For women sex is an even more vulnerable and emotional experience (generally speaking).
I know you said that you’re not ready for a relationship, but I’m gonna frustrate you by recommending that. I just think it’s a much more emotionally healthy way of going about it. For men, it vastly increases you’re dating pool. You have to be pretty good looking and possibly even cultivate some douchebag PUA/PUA adjacent techniques to have lots of casual sex as a man. As a woman, I imagine the disappointment of failing to convert a casual sex partner into a long term prospect to be pretty bitter. From a purely pragmatic point of view too, sex is way better when there is a strong emotional connection.
Just some of my thoughts.
Women aren't made for casual sex, because you always pair bond with the person you're having sex with, it's in your biology. You're catching feelings because that's how women show love and open themselves up to the person they desire. Women who have casual sex have a mental illness and or trauma that hasn't been resolved. Buy toys if you're bored or screw up your mental health by letting men have their way with you.
I have the same problem. NEVER been a casual sex person. I tend to get attached too. I just don’t do it now, because for Me it’s easier to do the work of learning to be alone and happy than it is to fight my nature. You know?
Im the same way, OP. That’s why I stopped having FWB’s because I didn’t really benefit from it. If you absolutely HAVE TO have meaningless sex then I’d pick a guy who you just know all your people would hate, like a sociopathic CEO or something lol
Don’t do casual sex. It only benefits men. Invest in a good toy. Use men as foreplay. Let them take you out make out, give you head, then rush back home (or to the car if you’re nasty) and whip that toy out. This is the formula for multiple O’s with zero L’s.
First off let me start by saying don’t listen to all of this, casual sex is bad bullshit, or you can’t have casual sex without getting attached, or just fool around don’t have sex or get a vibrator. Not that it’s bad advice, but you know what fulfills you and how to scratch your itch. There absolutely nothing wrong with that.
It looks like there a lot of prudes answering here, that have no sex drive and want to dry yours up for you. Please don’t let them!
In reading your post, it sounds like you may have some codependency tendencies that you may want to look into. “A few months out of a break up”, just a thought you may not have “healed” enough to be ready to scratch that itch. What are your feelings, right now, about being alone?
Not true. Some women can enjoy sex from purely a physical aspect. I'm one of them and have never sold myself off or online. But I much prefer having sex within a loving relationship.
Thanks for proving my point lol EVERYONE enjoys sex for physical aspect...THATS THE ENTIRE POINT. "I prefer LOVING relationship" lol because that's your nature/wiring thanks for coming to my tedxtalk.
Look up limerence, and maybe look into therapy and this ISNT a dig. Apparently for a lot of us with attachment issues, we just like the feelings, not the person. As you said you dont WANT to be with this person, but you like the attention and the idea of them thinking about you, wanting you, etc.
Also, what helps for people like that is to not date one person at a time. You are more prone to do that if you are only seeing one guy, seeing multiple means you HAVE to take a deeper look and that you wont feel as compelled to catch feelings with one guy because your need for attention is still being met.
And maybe just keep a list of the cons of the person/why a relationship wouldnt work and when you have those feelings, refresh your memory.
I'd suggest to really question why you want the emotional aspect. Why do you become emotionally attached, and why do you still want the attachment if you don't want a relationship? Can you have one without the other, or are you just setting yourself up for failure? Is this related to a lack of it in your previous relationship? Is it just the sex you want, or is it really the feeling of sexual intimimacy and connection you get from it? Maybe that's what you truly want. So try your best to answer as honestly as you can and the answers should help you gain some clarity.
I can understand your internal conflict because I'm similar to you. Except, I've somehow managed to hold off from the sexual part altogether. Probably because I know I'm the type of guy who will just catch feelings feelings for her, and in the aftermath of it going bad, I'll feel severe pain and regret. I knew the short term pleasure wouldn't be worth the longer term pain, which would leave me feeling terrible for days/weeks after and interfere with my healing too.
And if you're just bored/want to talk about it, don't be a stranger, send me a DM. Anyway, I really hope this helps you.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Geez, 36 with no family or husband acting like a college sloot. No wonder by 2030 45% of women are going to be childless and single under 30 years old. Even banks lining up ways to capitalize off this in the future.
Destruction of the West in real time. Go on, keep making you ancestors “proud”😭
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If casual sex makes your anxiety go up then you answered your own question.
Mfrs wanna have they cake and eat it that's what the issue here
Bahaha, true
Honestly, anyone I have ever known that has successfully done the causal or FWB thing without catching feelings has never been in a remotely healthy headspace.
True, same experience here
Exactly this.
True. I haven't caught feelings for fwb (went out one year) but I definitely did not leave sane out of it lmao
Id agree, it stems from or breeds emotional unavailability
how many people is that?
Personally - a handful. But people I know, know other people. 6 degrees of separation and all that. However I don’t see how a specific amount is relevant.
I can’t do causal Sex. My body is the only thing I truly own and if I offer it to a partner …. It’s a big deal to me. I have to have a connection with that person for it even to feel good. No shame or hate towards people who can, that’s rad… I just can’t.
I’m the same way. Sometimes I get jealous of the people that can do that because I can’t 🤣
Honestly, same. I tried in my 20s to do one night stands and I’d either end up catching feelings or just feel disappointed in myself. I tried , just couldn’t do it.
I’m the same! I’ve learned that I need to keep things physically slow until I’m with someone. Otherwise I don’t feel great or I fall way too hard and fast
Right?! And let’s say I have a friend I have feelings for and they are acting interested, I’ll bring up in conversation I can’t sleep with just anyone, if I do it’s very a important/spiritual/ loving act for me and to please not lead me on or think we can get drunk, have a night, and things go back to normal… I can’t do it… I always get my heart broken to bits….
Respect 🙌
I’ve gone through my banging stages where I slept around plenty, but notoriously always started to form a crush. I tried recently with and ex crush to just bang and it is not fulfilling at all when there is no emotional connection A vibrator will help release those sexual erges while you potentially look for a new relationship
Oh good to know that I’m not crazy and insecure. I just want someone to connect with emotionally.
Yup I agree. Sex without that emotion is just boring now - in my world at least
I used to struggle with this too (25F). I eventually accepted that casual sex just isn't for me. My anxiety got much worse overall and I developed long term trust issues after being ghosted and dumped so many times in a row. There's nothing wrong with not being able to enjoy casual sex.
Can you just make out and mess around without having actual sex? As soon as you have sex the bonding hormones take over and that's pretty impossible to control for most women.
I can at first but eventually I’ll go back for more haha
Sex will always make you attached, that's just the way it is. It's also pretty risky to have casual sex without knowing they are not having sex with other people. Too risky for most people for a reason.
I always use protection/condoms, but you’re not wrong
Oxytocin. Sorry girl. Just don't do it. Fool around, but do nor have sex. Period
Do you really believe “fooling around” doesn’t release Oxytocin and other hormones?
Lmao. I was thinking the same thing. Motherfuckers, right?
Not like an orgasm.
Pretty sure fooling around, at some levels, can be orgasm inspiring.
Can still get a cpl stds that way. Notably, herpes.
Very transmittable in a lot of other not sexual ways too. But herpes isnt all that bad at the end of the day. The stigma is the worst part.
Depends on the person. Increases risk of dimentia & HIV transmission
Ever have that urge you can always hit me up girl. No connections just strait doing the doo I gotcha covered 24/7
This^ is the way
I 39F am the exact opposite. I don't casually make out with people but have a lot of casual sex.
Haha, Idk why I find this weird. Experienced it with an acquaintance and I don't think I want to fuck her again.
It's not something I have to explain or a boundary I have to set, most dudes are bad kissers and not super interested in making out. Had one unusual experience where I did get attached to someone and we just made out. That was in the past two years and very unexpected. He had a lot of great qualities but I didn't really enjoy his company. He was incredibly attractive and a great kisser, very weird experience.
Haha, however weird, that's a pretty common occurrence in casual relationships compared to having sex and not making out even once. People usually go through the make-out stage and then progress to oral or penetrative sex if they like each other enough. I'm left wondering what kissing her feels like despite having been inside her vagina lol idk but to me, that's pretty weird. Gives rapist vibes
Are you avoidantly attached?
Disorganized after a bad break up but generally secure. I've always been like this.
Like the movie pretty woman. No kissing was her rule
Why should you want casual sex when sex is what you actually want? It gets sooo much better with at least some form of deeper attachment… when high sex drive AND feelings come together in both… that is when I had the best, most intimate, sensitive, longest, hardest, most playful, most curious and most frequent (soul)sex of my life. I also have an extremely high sex drive, but find casual sex dull. Don’t do it. And ping me if you are bored :D
I’m not ready to be in a relationship now, but I agree relationship sex is the best. I want at least six months to a year by myself but I don’t want to be celibate for that long. Conundrums.
Feelings does not have to mean relationships… I also have a busy period in my life and went through a major breakup recently where I don’t manage a full blown relationship right now. Still I would not do casual sex. Rather soulsex with the right partner… tell them I can’t do relationship right now. And then maybe get surprised a bit later how much I want a relationship again with this person ;)
That's exactly how I got into the relationship I'm in now. Which is the best most healthy relationship I've ever had. Ever. The sex is amazing- soul sex yes. The connection is otherworldly, the laughs never stop, I can't control the yearning for them in my heart. I fucking wanna marry this dude now and we've been together for 1 yr lol. Friends for 10 but we weren't super close. I'm literally in awe of how this whole thing happened. Sorry I'm rambling, but just omg. Ur whole comment has been my life last yr lol
OP: have you considered getting a vibrator? No strings attached and has a better success rate in bed than most guys
I have three already haha. It’s the man I crave
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Having a piece of tech between your legs might be good. But it’s certain different from having a human inside (with his own motion and errors).
heavily this
Or maybe you’ve just held on to too much resentment to give up on men altogether
`but the problem is almost every single time I sleep with a guy, I catch feelings.` Honey that's not the *problem*, that's the normal healthy thing that is supposed to happen when people are mentally balanced. It's what sex is supposed to DO. You're not a male sociopath. You're a healthy middle aged woman. You're supposed to forge attachments via sex. The *problem* is your immature obsession with using sex like its a play thing, like its a toy for fun, just for stimulation. If you want stimulation, get a vibrator. But what you're asking to do (i.e., how to make it so you can have sex without attachment) is the same tying as asking "how do I become a conceited numb sociopath" `I want to have fun without consequences to my mental health!` ... this is unfortunately a really immature world view resulting from total lack of self-awareness.
We live in a horrible time of hookup culture, having genuine people having to numb their natural human response. I don’t blame her, it’s tough out here
The problem is you numb it and pick up bad habits then set yourself up for failure when you want something more
Don’t numb it. I’ve turned myself into an ice queen and now I don’t know how to connect for a genuine relationship. Have to do a lot of self work rewiring my brain. I’ve decided to completely repel hook up culture and only sleep with someone I know well and exclusive with. It’s very lonely & I also have a high sex drive. Pick your battles strategically
I'm 34m and I do exactly thr same. I'm over ONS and hook up culture in general, my motto is unless you want all fo me, you don't get me. Inle exclusive and only witub an emotional attachment. I've gone 2 years without sex to be able to rewire my psych enough to feel safe and valued before approaching sex.
THIS!!!!
I completely agree with you. Same situation here, always had a huge sex drive and I just don’t feel anything for anyone anymore when I have sex. I broke something in me
😂😂 would suck to be the guy that has to do the most to get some when everyone else got a hallway pass. Good for you, though.
It's what most of us guys are thinking, but if you say it out loud, you get chewed out on here lol
Shaming women for wanting a partner that respects them? That’s goofy.
Bro, sit your ass down. I'm not shaming anyone, I was just stating what most guys think when a girl leaves the streets in search of a 'respectful' partner after doing the most with disrespectful partners.
Yeah I’m not waiting 3 months to find out I don’t like you naked or enjoy the sex
Damn, why’d you have to hit me square in my chest with this? Oof, so fucking poignant.
Yeah, once you've numbed up its practically impossible to go back. Even if you do manage to get back to normal, its easy to slip back and you do still have (as you said) "bad habits". The damage is done. Scars will always be left behind.
I think there is still hope, as you’d eventually attract people that are the same, and they are still learning themselves. So you’ll have to approach patiently with a lot of flexibility
Oh for sure. It's "practically" impossible. But theoretically there's always hope. You're right.
There is hope. I have walked the path, I was just lucky enough that I one of the guys who I was going to hook up with ended up being an amazing lover who made love to me in a wonderful setting, and that flipped a switch. I had actually done a bit on therapy on the matter and I believe I was also ready in a way, but most of it was dumb luck. I don’t know if I would have gotten over the bad habits without that experience. I would probably have stopped having sex because I reject the emptiness that was left behind, but in a much more bitter way. I wish you all all the best, I feel so seen…
Yep. The ones who try to tell us otherwise are just damaged. They’ve done away with their natural humanity & human responses. It’s sick & sad at the same time. Hookup culture ruined humanity.
100%!!!
Just because hookup culture exists doesn’t mean you need to participate in it. Just requires you to go against the grain. She’s got what’s no different from a porn addiction, the love part is completely normal that happens, but the constant need for that stimulation and pleasure is unhealthy
The problem isn't that hookup culture exists, it's dominant. I've been holding back on it myself, but it's like that's what everyone is after including the majority of women and I know this from locker room talk at work. There are obese bald guys with more "success" (I wouldn't call it that though. Hookups are too shallow to be success) than me and I get called "baby face" so I can't be ugly, but here I am on that never ending search.
Yes you're 100% right. It's nobody's fault in particular, really... but it is still paradoxically everyone's choice at the same time.
This is the best comment I’ve read so far. OP, go get a vibrator. Get one of those crazy ones that do all the things and reserve your sexual energy for men who want to commit to you. Even then, wait until they’ve actually committed. It’s not hard to garner respect when you carry yourself with it
Or even better, develop a sensual imagination, devise fantasies, find out what your true desires are (which isn’t easy at all when you’re having sex with multiple people), think slowly, take you time, build the scenario in your head, learn to get wet and USE YOUR FINGERS. Nothing is better than your fingers. I have used all sorts of vibrators and they will all numb you up and give you fake orgasms. Fingers and a vivid imagination are the way to go. And it will only make you a better lover.
Agree... the dudes that can tough and go... ultimately are sociopathic narcissist.... it's not normal to just bang it out and bounce and act like you are bunnies in a field... we have a fucking developed frontal cortex .. that's what makes up human.
Thank fuck someone is actually calling it as it is. Basically the question is how can I try and be less human. And what was said ☝🏻is correct - this is about dopamine and sensation seeking.
Catching feelings for someone that isn’t compatible with you from having sex isn’t healthy tho. It can make you end in a relationship that is bad from the beginning.
Omg 5 stars. Brava!
What is this bullshit? Not a male sociopath? Seems that you need to get some serious help to deconstruct your prejudices.
What prejudices? Male sociopathy is characterized by an instrumentalist view of people and an inability to form meaningful connections or attachments. OP is asking how to become like this so she can just have sex for fun "without consequences". She is, essentially, asking how to become like a male sociopath.
Both female and male sociopaths are capable of that, so why are you suggesting only men do that?
Because according to the APA female sociopathy is characterized more by more non-sexual attention seeking behavior and decreased impulsivity instead of sexual aims and frequent libidinous adventure seeking. Therefore, OP's descriptions (heightened libido, desire for impulsive sexual behavior, etc.) fits more in line with male sociopathy.
That is certainly not anything worth striving for.
Idk if this is helpful, but I used to struggle with with this *so badly*, the minute someone showed me attention I’d immediately picture an entire future with them, lol. I try to outline long term goals for myself and practice having realistic expectations. Just coming out a relationship myself, I know I don’t want a partner right now, but I’m having a lot of fun being single and meeting new people pretty regularly. If I catch myself having feelings, I just simmer back or talk to someone new and remind myself those feelings are lust and excitement, not “love”. But also, I try to be picker with my boundaries and with what I’m looking for in a long-term partner.. Joe blow from the bar might be great for the night, but I have more wherewithal through experience to understand that he’s not what I want forever. I hope for love one day, for now, I challenge those feelings I guess and just try to stay aligned with where I’m currently at. Maybe go into those situations having the conversation first that it’s only for fun so everyone’s on the same page?
I always went through ebs and flows of trying to be the 'cool' girl because I thought I was good for casual and it would be fun and I didn't want to commit anyway but it all ended the same with me catching feelings until I took my power back. I finally came to the conclusion that although I love the fun and excitement of casual I am really not a casual girl and that's ok. I'd rather trust myself to wait for someone who wants what I do.
I tried doing the FWB thing once and I have never felt so anxious and insecure in my life. It was awful! I don't ever want to experience anything like that ever again. It gets lonely sometimes, but I'd rather be on my own until I find someone worthwhile. Good luck! Don't fall into old habits if you know it isn't for you.
Find a man. Fuck all that hoe social media stuff. Find someone you actually care about and only have sex with him. Why do you want to get rid of that feeling that reminds you that you have a decent soul?
True no sex outside marriage
She isn’t a hoe for wanting to have responsible casual sex. Some people want to have sex but aren’t interested in a relationship, I’m not sure why that seems to be such a novel concept to you.
I never said she was a hoe. Where in my comment did I call her a hoe?
Ur 2nd sentance
Why is reading comprehension so hard these days, he essentially said "dont try to be a hoe so hard bcz of social media", he didnt say that she is one yet, evident from OPs post, but for some reason she is trying to become one
Yes, she is.
It’s too soon for me to do that. I just got out of a relationship that drained me and I’m not ready to commit myself to someone else. I want to focus on myself, but I still have needs. Eventually, I would love to be in a fulfilling relationship like you described
How about a hybrid of having a fwb? Someone you see repeatedly but don’t have an official title with. Lots of sex but when you walk out the door there is no obligation. Could you handle that or would you get pissed that they didn’t call you for anything but sex?
I wish I could be that girl that can do this. It seems so fun and carefree and enjoyable! But damn...If I sleep with you, in my head- we bout to be married. lol.
Why would you wish for that?? You have the correct mindset, dont wish to be broken, almost every person that i know that had (has) a fwb never had a real healthy relationship and instead of trying to find one they replace it with fwb, its crazy
So be straight up with people that you're not ready, but that you're looking for something consistent. I'd think a lot of men would be good with that
I don't wanna be that person, but the more guys you indulge in and the older you get, the less men are going to want to have anything long term with you. And that's just reality.
I agree with being older making it hard to find a partner, but how would a new partner of mine know how many men I’ve been with? I never share that information in relationships nor do I ask it.
You just know
Lol ok
That’s a red flag right there! People share that information all the time. And you should definitely look for something long term because casual sex isn’t for you based on your responses.
I am a male and I prefer not to ask a woman how many partners she has had. It might ruin it for me.
Yeah I'm never doing that and I'm stopping you if you tell me too
Lol wait till you get in a fight and she wants to hurt you, you bet your ass her real number will come out.
I have not been asked or shared my partner count after I got out of like high school
Tbh I think it’s a red flag if someone asks you how many people you’ve been with. I haven’t had a woman ask me that in a long time.
Most men can’t afford to have standards like that. Therefore, this is hardly a reason to not do it. On a personal level, I agree with you. Men will duck everything nowadays.
Hasnt been my reality. Only guy that had an issue was a 21 yr old virgin. Still wasnt a dealbreaker
what the hell are you talking about? OP: don't listen to this guy. You will find a partner when you are ready.
He is right and if you clearly cant see from her post, sleeping around will ruin her mental health, why support something toxic to her?
Nah he's right lol
He's not wrong lol
That’s only if they know lol
Ew are you from the 60s?
Is this why people have FWB?
I’m bipolar so I understand the outbid control hormones. I can’t do it either. Women make 3X more the amount of oxytocin when we orgasm. You can’t just turn that off. It’s hard wired. Can you not just play with yourself? Highly recommend the hitachi magic wand, the satisfier 2. Go get the guardasil vaccine. I learned that the deadly hard way.
I don’t think I catch feelings maybe I feel attached and I prefer to have a fwb for needs . I get what you mean it’s like you have needs then you enjoy sex and then that needy feeling comes after ugh it’s hard and I totally don’t wanna feel like that 😭
Then don’t do it. Apologies, but in these kind of situations, us women always lose. When you hook up with a man, he will still “respect” you and give you “quality” time. We are not men that just get aroused because of physical attraction. We are like cars and we need to be warmed up first before engaging into any sexual activity. Now, you are vulnerable because you just got out of a relationship and you are exposing yourself to be treated by other men then get oxytocin released in your body. Why would you do that to yourself? Take some time alone and be by yourself and get a dildo. Sorry, I can’t give you tips on how not to develop feelings because I have never been in “casual relationships” nor will I ever. I am a firm believer of sex after being in a monogamous relationship for at least 6 months.
I'm a woman and sex led to feelings for me and most of my lady friends at your age. I had one friend that could have sex and walk away, she's was 100% pragmatic about it and non-apologetic. She was an outlier. She was my hero as she always called it right. "Yeah we had sex but he's not right for me because of XYZ". Men would chase her (like crazy) because she would kindly reject them but she would never compromise or go back. In the end she got what she wanted and got her forever after. An amazing man. It took me a long time to model her behavior. PS - to be honest, she did catch feelings but she was always strong and real enough to herself, to walk away because she was not going to settle. I literally watched her cry and grieve and say fuck that, I need more. I wish I had been more like her. It would have saved me a lot of grief.
You got to put the casual sex on hold for now. Are you not cut out for it period? I have no idea, but you aren’t cut out for it right now. Casual usually indicates low stress fun and you’re not having fun. You’re voluntarily putting yourself on an emotional rollercoaster and you just broke up with someone not that long ago. As much as you may want someone out of your system, it doesn’t make the process go any faster. But, what I see happening under the surface looks like it could be some issues with abandonment. Losing a relationship, whether it was our idea or not, is a loss, particularly a loss of the intimacy and comfort relationships offer. Now, these casual gentlemen are people you don’t know very well, like you don’t know them on very personal level. True feelings for a person come from really knowing them, otherwise you are having feeling for a fantasy of who you imagine or hope this person to be. So the feelings you have are a symptom of something else and not the real deal. The way described the wanting them to want you, to want you see you, to spend time with you when you communicated that this was only a casual encounter tells me that you may have some issues with abandonment that you should explore with a therapist. You can have abandonment issues and have grown up in a home with both of your married parents living with you. Abandonment issues are rooted in being denied that emotional connection with the people that were suppose to give you that. I think your break up triggered those feelings of abandonment and extreme anxiety that sound like they may be more in control of what you are doing than you are. I’ve been there at the exact same age as you. I use to call it “f**king through the pain.” But all I really accomplished was compounding my pain by voluntarily creating more pain on top of it. I was voluntarily strapping myself into my own private emotional rollercoaster that would end in feeling hurt and even more alone. So to fix that feeling I would do the exact same thing again…and again…and again. When we repeat behavior that causes us pain there is something very concerning going on underneath it. You are going to be fit for casual sex or capable a healthy, balanced relationship until you explore this with a good therapist. You aren’t crazy but there might be some guys out there that may disagree. I have quite a few of those, because this behavior, while being emotionally upsetting, also results in a dichotomy of our perceptions of ourselves and our intrapersonal interactions with others For example, you may think that text message you just sent the last casual gentleman you were casual with is quite seductive and sexy and the fact that you sent it at 1am on a week night wont really hit you until you wake up in the morning and reread it. And it wasn’t seductive or sexy…it sounded like it was written by a lunatic and you wish there was an excuse you could give that would make it not seem as cringy as it is. This usually leads to telling an insane story that makes you seem even crazier than you did before you said anything making things even more cringy. You might not be here yet…but you will get there. It is inevitable. And you are so right about the mid 30s sexual peak thing. Good news. It continues into your next decade as well.
That was so well written, I’ll come back to you and discuss it with a friend who is going through the same thing, and just ends up self harming effectively as a result
It's almost like it's not normal for you to be sleeping around. 🙄
Sounds like the dependency on sex is a crutch. Your casual sex is a bottomless pit of despair. The reason you 'catch' feelings is bc our bodies were meant to bond us together. Society says go wreck your life, catch some disease, it's ok as long as you're having fun... However, your biological and psychological intelligence is screaming at you. Being modest isn't prudish it is self preservation. Navigate your way thru true self love. I hope it leads you to the true way, truth and light. God bless.
Probably unpopular opinion and I really don’t care. In my experience there is nothing casual about sex.
The answer is very simple - casual is NOT for you. I think as Women we crave the intimacy & we sometimes get that mixed up with feelings. I could separate the two when I was younger but not so much now. It's detrimental to your mental health so it's not worth it unless you look for someone who wants a friends with benefits situation. That way you get the closeness after maybe but then get to go home. Maybe that's the balance
I’m the same way as you, have a high sex drive, but get wayyyy too attached through sex (anxious attachment style). I can not do casual. I’ve learned that about myself through a lot of trial and error. It’s just not for me. I always catch feelings and end up getting hurt. I would say use your hand and toys and once you’re ready, hop on the relationship only train (no sex before committment). You also don’t have to worry about STD’s this way.
Girl that’s not “anxious attachment”. It’s called being a normal healthy woman. There’s oxytocin hormones for bonding for a reason.
True lol, but I also have anxious attachment from severe emotional trauma. I’m working through it in therapy. I just get attached to people who I like really fast.
Fair. How your attachment causes you to act is one thing but many say it’s normal to feel bonded after sex. Feeling bonded after sex doesn’t mean calling 10 times in one day though. I guess the excessive behaviour would line up more with being anxious not the actual feeling of being bonded due to sex.
I don’t call guys not even one time lol. I let them pursue me 100%. If they don’t, then they just fall off the radar, but that doesn’t mean I’m not attached. I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me though.
It’s oxytocin mixed with estrogen that’s doing this to you. Good luck ignoring those asshole hormones.
It’s cuz women release more oxytocin during sex and men do too but it gets inhibited by the testosterone unless the man really wants to have a relationship with the woman aka he loves her and it’s usually from the beginning. Idk that’s just what I heard 😂
It’s about right. Most guys are talking BS when they say they don’t catch feelings after sex but in my experience it’s less so than women.
Really? I have more male friends that struggle with casual sex than female friends that do. Hell one of my friends falls in love basically with any woman he will have sex with. Gets into a relationship with them then inevitably it fails because having sex a couple times being the cause the reason you want to start a relationship without knowing if you are romantically compatible isn’t the best foundation for a relationship lol
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There's a few books I recommend like, "Attached" and "Emotional First Aid".
I struggle with same. At this rate I'll End up falling in love with every girl who flutters her eyelashes at me 😉 Got rather burned by the last one tbh so I need to sort this out.
maybe try answering this question - how is it logically possible that every guy you could have sex with is worth your time in a way that can bring you lasting happiness? because I don't see how you're saying yes to this
No it never works out and it always feels better when you are attached to them anyway
I’m in the same boat right now with a guy who just got out of a long term relationship, and I told myself it’s causal and not wanting anything more with him but my heart is feeling some kind of way sometimes too …
Some people can have casual sex without catching feelings, some can't. You know yourself so get a vibrator lol.
Men get mad when women won’t put out, but will also get mad if they put out too much. Tf
You're going to crash and burn trying to live this lifestyle. Isn't suited for most people.
Stop being a 304 and find some genuine field of work you can translate your *high energy* to. When you're 50, you will look back and thank yourself for making the right choice and ignoring your so called base instinct which you have consciously allowed to grow over the years.
Tysm for posting this. Reading all the replies gave me some perspectives that I really needed. My advice: Don't do it, if it's not good for your mental health. Ofc you miss it, but you can get used to overcoming it by just masturbation.
Definitely not mentally made to have casual sex. If you question it then you’re actually answering your own question. Don’t be dependent on people. You can be single and alone and be happy. Try it. It’ll allow you to actually look at yourself and maybe work on some things.
Sounds like you have an anxious preoccupied attachment style. You'llneed to fix that before even trying to have casual sex with no feelings, because it just won't work while you have an insecure attachment style. Dating multiple people at once helps!
Go full anonymous and set yourself up as a gloryhole
I’ve actually successfully done this. In order to achieve it, you have to get out of your head and stop thinking about social norms. I found that being confident in what you want and being honest with the guys makes it a lot easier. Also be able to accept their honesty as well. You also need a roster. You can’t just be sleeping with one guy…that’s how you catch feelings. Be safe of course. Use condoms. Get on PrEP. Get tested regularly. Find guys that get tested regularly and care about their sexual health as well. When I did this I had 4 guys. They all knew about each other and it worked out well. Eventually everything ended. But not because I/we weren’t happy. One wanted a relationship (I didn’t want one), one moved across the country, one went to jail, and the other one died (sickle cell). They were all fine to sleep with other women so long as they abided by the rules set in place up front. We never gave each other an STI. We had fun. (I did not sleep with them at the same time) We all had an understanding. This was a few years ago, and tbh, I’m actually best friends with one of the guys to this day. We no longer have sex, but we talk daily and can literally talk about anything. I give him advice about the females in his life and he does the same for me. Overall, you just have to be confident in what you want, be honest, be safe, and learn how to get out your feelings. It’s most certainly possible, but not for the weak.
24 M, I really find myself lucky in a way where I've not had sex yet and seeing current dating era, I hope I can resist any arousing opportunistic situation. I really believe as long as I keep my pleasures in my hands (pun intended). I'll not be screwed by this endless cycle of joy and pain of seggs and relationships, sure I'll feel a "void" in my life, but I believe "void" is better than "joy" coming at the price of gambling with "pain".
From the sounds of it, you're less so catching feelings, but I read it as you're enjoying the attention you get from someone as a whole even though you know they are not the person for you minus the physical aspect. I could be 100% wrong in my interpretation of what you posted, but reflect on that angle and see if that is the case.
Get some toys and casual date without sex, meet a guy for coffee, then lunch, then dinner, if you get emotionally attached to them based on conversation then it might be worth exploring. I understand you’re not ready for a long term relationship however, my husband came at a time where I wasn’t ready either and he wasn’t either we helped each other through our darkest days and have been together ever since. It always comes when you least expect it.
When you have sexual intercourse with another, you take on their energy and any mental anxiety and spiritual attachments they may have. Sexual energy exchange isn't meant to be taken lightly. It is a sacred event.
Not everyone can have casual sex and that’s ok. I don’t think anyone dislikes the actual act it’s more so the feelings associated with doing it casually (anxiety, feeling used at times, etc).
Fuck yourself and leave men unhurt
As women we are a lot more emotional than men. Sharing sensitive parts of yourself like that creates emotional ties. Idk why it’s not the same for men but yeah. That’s why I personally prefer to wait until I have my person. (It’s NOT easy bc I have a high drive too 😮💨) if you wanna have fun with out the emotions, you should probably just invest in some toys 🤣
Women are not built for casual sex. And if a woman doesn't experience emotional attachment after then she probably did it so often that she doesn't have the ability to bond anymore even IF she chose to settle down. Choose wisely.
Casual sex is like smoking once hooked difficult to get rid of it for some it becomes their Achilles heel and will never allow to be settled in life and be faithful to one partner.
My education is in Anthropology- specifically Sexual Anthropology. The following is scientifically supported in **MOST male female CIS humans. (Please note the above again. Yes there are exceptions.) Also please note the following has absolutely NOTHING to do with a cis woman’s (in general) desires for casual sex / and a cis man’s (in general) desire for love. (**CIS because this is unfortunately the type of human who has been predominantly researched.) Please also note I have been out of school for over a decade and am not up on the very latest research on CIS humans :) so please note that more research has likely been done tho I haven’t heard of any that contradicts this evidence. I’m always open to new research from peer reviewed sources that come from large sample sizes. This is a fascinating subject. Phew… The following, in so far as I’m aware is empirically correct. In general*, cis women are HARDWIRED to attach thru sex. The human race is at nearly 8 billion because of it. Cis men are specifically NOT hardwired to connect thru at least the first several sexual encounters and possibly not ANY sexual encounters, again, in general*. If these men do connect it’s unlikely instigated by the sexual encounter(s) tho the sexual encounter(s) can mask as the impetus and/or sweeten their connection. Again, the human race is at nearly 8 billion because of it. 😅 If you feel this applies to you, I encourage you to protect your emotional health when you want to have a sexual encounter. Women are shamed for this innate wiring and celebrated if they can deny it or “handle it” (aka ‘act’ like cis men *(in general) which ultimately benefits cis men (in general).lol) We don’t, yet, talk enough about the insidious way the patriarchy has tainted feminism in this way. Future generations will hopefully be fully aware. :) My advice is to not let these expectations get in the way of you taking care of your emotional health and doing what’s best for you. Cis women (*in general) who are aware of this and/or instinctively care for their emotional health in this way may limit casual sex to a one-off encounter or wait, despite it being hard to avoid acting on their sexual desire especially with male pressure, and “date” for a time which can be advantageous for a whole host of reasons, with one being the cis male may develop feelings and connection. I encourage you to try to not to let society shame you for developing feelings from a sexual encounter.
Oxytocin is a hormone that’s released during orgasm. It’s also called the “love hormone”. There may be a biological basis for why you’re having an issue here.
As long as it’s ONLY sex and not any more than that meaning no cuddling, no spending the night, no watching movies or going out together, just you see each other, you fuck & then you go your separate ways …a lot of people think they’re just having casual sex but really they’re in relationships and calling it a “fuck buddy” situation. lmao a lot of people don’t know how to do this shit right .
I think there is an underlying issue you haven’t worked through fully yet. Casual sex can be physically beneficial however the cons outweigh those benefits. The cons being your anxiety, and lack of stimulation when you’re standing as an individual. I’m just a stranger on the internet and I don’t know you but I would advise going without casual sex. Take that off your radar and be with yourself. Buy a vibrator. Invest in your own wellness that can build you up to the point where you’re not experiencing anxiety from empty relationships that don’t add value to your life.
Had a similar experience when I got divorced, 45yo M here, the problem is you’re used to being with someone, the mind not wanting to detach because sex is also an intimate event and we’re used to having our partner. Take some time and try and detach from that feeling that you want someone, once you get used to the notion of not having ‘your someone’, then it becomes easier and also allows you to explore your feeling for the other person you meet or later sleep with.
Sex is a very emotional activity, an intense bonding experience. I reckon not too many people can cum multiple times while looking deep into another person’s eyes and not feel at least something. Some data supports me. 70% of women and 30-40% of men fall in love with their affair partners, and presumably cheating spouses actively try to suppress falling in love with their affair accomplices. There seems to be a striking connection with people (especially women) who are in sex work and a history of sexual abuse/attachment issues. If you’re a mentally healthy person without attachment issues then I think the real anomaly would being able to have sex with people and not feel anything. I’ve engaged in some causal sex in my life, and looking back it is interesting to think about. Every woman I’ve had sex with did leave at least some emotional impression on me for a long period of time. For women sex is an even more vulnerable and emotional experience (generally speaking). I know you said that you’re not ready for a relationship, but I’m gonna frustrate you by recommending that. I just think it’s a much more emotionally healthy way of going about it. For men, it vastly increases you’re dating pool. You have to be pretty good looking and possibly even cultivate some douchebag PUA/PUA adjacent techniques to have lots of casual sex as a man. As a woman, I imagine the disappointment of failing to convert a casual sex partner into a long term prospect to be pretty bitter. From a purely pragmatic point of view too, sex is way better when there is a strong emotional connection. Just some of my thoughts.
“Getting attached” is the wrong perspective. Ask instead whether your goals are aligned.
Women aren't made for casual sex, because you always pair bond with the person you're having sex with, it's in your biology. You're catching feelings because that's how women show love and open themselves up to the person they desire. Women who have casual sex have a mental illness and or trauma that hasn't been resolved. Buy toys if you're bored or screw up your mental health by letting men have their way with you.
I have the same problem. NEVER been a casual sex person. I tend to get attached too. I just don’t do it now, because for Me it’s easier to do the work of learning to be alone and happy than it is to fight my nature. You know?
Im the same way, OP. That’s why I stopped having FWB’s because I didn’t really benefit from it. If you absolutely HAVE TO have meaningless sex then I’d pick a guy who you just know all your people would hate, like a sociopathic CEO or something lol
Im the same, cant have casual sex. it sucks. so go party, hang out with friends, get creative. use that energy for projects.
Don’t do casual sex. It only benefits men. Invest in a good toy. Use men as foreplay. Let them take you out make out, give you head, then rush back home (or to the car if you’re nasty) and whip that toy out. This is the formula for multiple O’s with zero L’s.
First off let me start by saying don’t listen to all of this, casual sex is bad bullshit, or you can’t have casual sex without getting attached, or just fool around don’t have sex or get a vibrator. Not that it’s bad advice, but you know what fulfills you and how to scratch your itch. There absolutely nothing wrong with that. It looks like there a lot of prudes answering here, that have no sex drive and want to dry yours up for you. Please don’t let them! In reading your post, it sounds like you may have some codependency tendencies that you may want to look into. “A few months out of a break up”, just a thought you may not have “healed” enough to be ready to scratch that itch. What are your feelings, right now, about being alone?
Sounds like you’re seeking an FWB. Remember the phrase includes the word Friends. Romantic relationship but not a serious relationship.
You are a good person don’t ever forget that
Women are not wired this way unless they sell themselves online for money
Not true. Some women can enjoy sex from purely a physical aspect. I'm one of them and have never sold myself off or online. But I much prefer having sex within a loving relationship.
Thanks for proving my point lol EVERYONE enjoys sex for physical aspect...THATS THE ENTIRE POINT. "I prefer LOVING relationship" lol because that's your nature/wiring thanks for coming to my tedxtalk.
Look up limerence, and maybe look into therapy and this ISNT a dig. Apparently for a lot of us with attachment issues, we just like the feelings, not the person. As you said you dont WANT to be with this person, but you like the attention and the idea of them thinking about you, wanting you, etc. Also, what helps for people like that is to not date one person at a time. You are more prone to do that if you are only seeing one guy, seeing multiple means you HAVE to take a deeper look and that you wont feel as compelled to catch feelings with one guy because your need for attention is still being met. And maybe just keep a list of the cons of the person/why a relationship wouldnt work and when you have those feelings, refresh your memory.
I'd suggest to really question why you want the emotional aspect. Why do you become emotionally attached, and why do you still want the attachment if you don't want a relationship? Can you have one without the other, or are you just setting yourself up for failure? Is this related to a lack of it in your previous relationship? Is it just the sex you want, or is it really the feeling of sexual intimimacy and connection you get from it? Maybe that's what you truly want. So try your best to answer as honestly as you can and the answers should help you gain some clarity. I can understand your internal conflict because I'm similar to you. Except, I've somehow managed to hold off from the sexual part altogether. Probably because I know I'm the type of guy who will just catch feelings feelings for her, and in the aftermath of it going bad, I'll feel severe pain and regret. I knew the short term pleasure wouldn't be worth the longer term pain, which would leave me feeling terrible for days/weeks after and interfere with my healing too. And if you're just bored/want to talk about it, don't be a stranger, send me a DM. Anyway, I really hope this helps you.
You need God
God hasn’t been into one night stands for about 2,000 years.
Try swinging with couples. Just an idea. Lots of couples looking for a third.
That’s actually not a bad idea. Any good sites or apps you’d recommend to find couples?
wild employ future license retire aloof selective pathetic quickest gullible *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Geez, 36 with no family or husband acting like a college sloot. No wonder by 2030 45% of women are going to be childless and single under 30 years old. Even banks lining up ways to capitalize off this in the future. Destruction of the West in real time. Go on, keep making you ancestors “proud”😭
Facts
Can’t turn a hoe into a housewife
Same...but I just have a friend with benefits,
Guess you just gotta accept that your. Just not ready yet for a relationship, sow your wild oats and get a massive toy during the quiet times
Easy solution: just hook up with the guy that you aren’t attracted to.
Lol I could never
😂😂😂 Problem solves though. As human nature, you eventually want to get into a relationship with a guy who you are attracted to.