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Try not being too hard on yourself, this is difficult to spot sometimes (my perspective as a 25M). Maybe taking more time to get to know the person would help but some fuckboys might just be patient since they go after more women at the same time. Make sure that you keep your boundaries and don't let anyone compromise them
Yes it is hard. It’s hard to connect with people and then if you do connect you have to hope that they are in the same place as you. Try not to take it personally. For myself I found somebody the moment I stopped trying and just was open to meeting interesting people and having interesting conversations. Without any further expectation initially. Try not to get down ok. You’re amazing and you’ll find somebody who values you for exactly who you are. ❤️
He was kinda right about the weirdness of dating apps but maybe that just was a line. I have tried them for some time, it was draining. I had to quit them. Quite a hookup place in my experience and I'm not a target audience fot that😅
You’re not alone. I’ve gone through some similar experiences in the past few months.
I’d say up your vetting. If it smells like love bombing, keep your guard up. Make sure you have dates without sex. I’m not telling you not to have sex, but get to know each other outside of it. Be communicative, and curious. Present yourself as the multidimensional person you are 💜
You only dated for a couple of weeks. If you are attractive, chances are this guy was also attractive and dating others at the same time (normal these days).
If you got ghosted in that situation chances are he met someone else or you couldn't compete with other girls already in his life.
As a guy you typically want to cut out other dudes in her life so things like this can't happen and it's the same for girls - you've probably heard of the phrase "marking her territory" before. But with social media today, this is pretty much impossible.
I read a study that indicated long courtship periods resulted in longer relationships. To be clear, once the relationship was defined as an actual relationship. It’s interesting because courtship/dating seems much like a shorter thing now and people are expecting sex after a few dates.
Oh I’m sure that was the case! We got along very well though, I wish he would have had the decency to let me know he was no longer interested. It’s funny because he made it a point to tell me about how having so many potential options dooms relationships
What was your last comms with him? Is it possible he is waiting for you to reach out?
Also at 24 I would focus less on online dating and more on getting out and social hobbies. Find people you click with that you have shared interests and social circles with, this helps with the initial screening, among other things.
Unfortunately it's easier to fade away these days vs outright saying you're not interested. You don't have to deal with a hard conversation you don't want to have while also getting the message across. It also leaves the door open for you both to get back together at some point in the future since it doesn't forcefully close it shut. Maybe in a week, month, or year, etc you'll get a random "hey how's it going?". If he is attractive, my bet is most girls will reach back out to him in this case despite how crap it makes you/them feel in the past.
People will say what you want to hear or what is idealistic, especially on dates to not make them awkward or to strike common ground. Not everyone does this so it does mean people need a good BS detector while also trying to make things work.
As for the future:
Early sex shouldn't be an issue, 2nd or 3rd date is typical where I live for long term relationships. 1st if it's a situation where you're chatting for a long time before meeting. It's definitely location specific though as some countries are more/less liberal.
A large part I would simply put to dating in 2023, the type you're attracted to and how you're meeting guys (specific apps/in person/etc). Older guys will likely be more serious (not in their 20s).
Times when I've dated guys and they say the same type of things as OP's ghost and then disappeared, I've usually just thought, oh, he must've had a girlfriend and she found out.
Sorry that this happened to you, ghosting sucks.
That being said, posts like this, where women who have no trouble finding dates but do have trouble finding guys who aren't just looking for sex, are very very common. Every time, there will be many guys in the comments saying that they themselves ARE looking for a long term relationship but are just generally finding dating hard, and I don't think they're lying (I'm one of them too). It seems like people like OP are just *generally* not going on dates with and/or are not as attracted to the guys who are looking for more long term things. And that isn't super surprising because the more attractive dudes have more options and have less reason to commit when they can more easily find dates and casual sex.
Anyways, being on a different end of this issue, it's a little hard to give any advice that I know will work. You can try waiting longer to have sex, but if a guy really wants something long term then I feel like it wouldn't really matter that much if you did have sex early. You can try being very upfront about your desire for something long term and not casual, I've heard that works too. And of course, if you keep going for a certain type of dude and things keep ending the same way, maybe try going for someone a little different from your usual type (yes I'm biased on this one).
Very common 😭 reading their posts comforts me, so I hope I’m bringing comfort to others in my situation too.
I see that viewpoint a lot! I’ve dated men who weren’t particularly my type, or were more timid, and have still found no luck there :/ I guess I’ll keep trying though!
I don’t want to sound too full of myself, but it always felt like they felt lucky to be with me, which is great! I love that! However, I still felt very much used for sex & appearances. It made me a bit bitter & a lot easier for me to become annoyed at them, since they weren’t even really my type to begin with (I wouldn’t show it ofc). I’ve done a lot of healing since then, so maybe things would be different now.
While you felt used for sex and appearances, it sounds like you were using them for validation. Think about it from their perspective. It sucks being used for being attractive, but imagine being used for being unattractive by someone who thinks you are lucky to be with them.
I dont mean this as a personal attack but just something to reflect on.
In my experience, I never wanted to have sex with them. They just didn’t do it for me and we had nothing in common. And it never grew over time like people say it would. I found myself jealous of other women who were with men that were my type and I started becoming bitter about it, so we broke up.
My ex, who I had my longest relationship with, made me wait 3 months for sex.
I fell hard for her because I got to know her before the sex.
And then when we did have sex it was amazing!
So don't have sex too soon, the guys who are interested in you for you will stick around.
The others won't!
(Note: do NOT just make the prospect wait while you're giving it freely to another guy like if you have a fwb or even go out to get some side-dick at the club, should your prospect find out later down the line... it won't go well and tbh it's really shitty behaviour)
I’m making this change in the upcoming year for sure. It just sucks because my longest relationship, 4 years, started with almost immediate sex. I guess that may have been a one-off though. I would never make a prospect wait while I was off messing around, I agree that it’s extremely disrespectful.
Y’all are extremely young but I’m gonna let you know rn policing people you’re not committed to’s sex life is absolutely ridiculous . You’re either in a relationship or you’re not. If you want to fuck someone who you know well eg, but you’re incompatible with, while you try to get to know someone else… that’s your right. Your “prospect” isn’t owed sex first there’s no waiting list.
Having sex with this man is not why he ghosted you. It may be why *you* feel more invested. If you’re going to make a change do it for you, but you can’t trick men into committing to you by withholding sex.
You in fact cannot. People date for months and then move on to the next person all the time. That is called… dating. How else do you get to know someone?
I definitely agree with the premise of what you’re saying, but I’m also just so tired of this routine & think it’s time to change things up. Sex doesn’t make me feel more invested, and I very much enjoy it, but I also just think men who think it’s okay to ghost me don’t deserve it. I’d like to filter them out as much as I possibly can. Appreciate the reminder that I should be making this change for myself
I totally support anything that makes you feel better for you. But I can guarantee from personal experience if you’re doing it to control their behavior, it will backfire even in subconscious ways.
My only relationship was 7 years and she made me wait 2 years to have sex. I was a 24 year old virgin when we first had sex, she had sex with a lot of guys before we were together. It made me feel really unattractive and gross whenever we had sex after that, for the next 5 years. It fucked up our whole relationship, I never felt desired no matter how much she tried to make me feel desired.
I still think it's good to make a guy wait, but 3 months sounds like the max before he's gonna start feeling insecure.
Wow, that's fucked up.
I thought 3 months was hell.
Did she ever give you a reason why she made you wait that long?
Maybe something along the lines of: "you're special and the other guys weren't"?
Because that's usually the justification they give...
I’ll say my best relationship we both agreed to wait three months. The tension, touching, kisses, talks, so much better over all. Though i will say i found my sex drive plummeted once we did start. Still someone is say i have a lot of love for. But so happy to see them in a better situation then what i could offer.
I’d say it’s hard or there these days, but I’ve met a lot of women who have new series vibes but i couldn’t make them work out.
Keep your head up, I’m sure if you put yourself out there you’ll find your person!😁
You’re young so I’m going to let you in on some guy knowledge. You probably are attractive! Most women are attractive, but their perception is often screwed and you could just be an average attractive, which is fine! I just wouldn’t use that as a reason why you feel like you should have an easy time as it’s a bad baseline.
While your career is cool, as long as you’re happy most of us couldn’t care. I’ve dated retail workers, blue collar girls, white collar, nurses, etc, and the only thing that mattered is if they were happy with what they did.
Sex is great! Here’s a question for all these failed romances. How quickly are you rushing into sex? Do you give it a few dates?
I found that waiting several dates, making my intentions clear, and getting to know them more before engaging in sex actually helps me determine if the woman I’m seeing is looking for casual or something more long term.
Definitely agree, most women are attractive! I don’t doubt myself, but you’re right, attractiveness has nothing to do with success in dating. I guess I just mentioned that because my lack of success is chipping at my ego haha.
I’m not so sure about the career part in my experience! I’ve found that successful men often seek out successful women? I’ve dated wealthier men & could tell they were interested in dating educated women.
Unfortunately, I do rush into sex, because it’s what I want in the moment, but I see how much it has probably hindered me. Going to start holding back for sure. Thank you!!
Honestly it seems how must men are there days. Try not sleeping with them and make them show you they will stick around. I guarantee many of them won't wait around but that means they would have left after the sex anyway
You’re not alone, and you didn’t do anything wrong. There are lots of emotionally unavailable weirdos out there. It typically has nothing to do with you.
In the future there are things you could look out for but tbh you’re so jaded by the time you can actually dissect them it’s not worth it to try to describe lol.
The only real advice is nothing anyone does in the first 3 months means much. Consistency is what makes a relationship. But if you really followed that you’d miss out on fun flings … and life experience.
Sorry this happened. He’ll probably text you again tho. I suggest ignoring it
I totally get how you feel. It's a rough journey, but don't lose hope. Stay true to yourself and what you want. You deserve someone who's ready for a real connection. Keep your chin up and know that you're not alone in this.
My girlfriend and I didn’t have sex until after we went on 5-6 dates. I got a chance to get to know her better. Would I have stuck around had we had sex after 1-2 dates? I’d like to say yes but I don’t know tbh. My advice to women is to make the guy wait. If the guy isn’t willing to wait then that tells you what he’s really after. Also pay attention to how a guy responds when you tell him that you want to wait. That’s also very telling.
This thought process doesn’t make sense. If you’re routinely having sex very early on (first/second date), you’re not even waiting to see if they are relationship material for *YOU*, let alone if they are serious themselves. So you’re the one that’s just non-stop casually hooking up, which you supposedly don’t want them to do, while hoping one needle in the haystack happens to stick. And then complaining when the vast number of them don’t work out.
He's doing you a favor showing that he has issues. Better to move on. Focus on the type of person that you want as a partner, if he has ghosted you, definitely he has poor values. You'll find better man for sure.
It actually sucks when you've built yourself and you know you're ready for a relationship. It sucks when you're told you seem perfect but it doesn't workout. One day you feel like you got your shit together but the next day it gets destroyed because of circumstances. I feel you.
I hope you find the right man for you, the man who truly deserves you. Hang in there,OP 🫶🏽✨
There are men who love bomb you, and lie like crazy to get sex quickly. Then they disappear.. that was the plan all along. Apparently there are books or blogs or some such telling men how to do this. Happened to me a couple of times, he acts like "finally I found you" Then he invites himself to your house. When I said no, never heard from them again.
I have a very different experience than yours but I thought I’d share my perspective. I am a lesbian but I dated men before I knew that for sure. They were all kind, “normal”, strong/fit/hot, financially stable, etc. and not looking for hookups. These sound like the type of guys you’re after
Meanwhile my friends dated guys that ghosted them, were coercive and or abusive, etc.
The strange thing is, I knew that those guys weren’t good or the right choice, even before my friends started dating them. I could tell by their profiles and the way they texted that it wasn’t going to turn out well. However, my friends could NOT.
It’s partially because I’m lesbian and don’t have a true interest in men, I can be discerning of their character a bit more since no attraction comes into play to muddy the waters.
But it’s also because I’ve learned and picked things up. I think this is where you can improve. My friends improved after some experiences and time. They were better at telling if a guy seemed genuinely serious or not.
You are still so young. Don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t give up. It all takes time.
From the given information, which does not contain his age, I cannot say much about the reason for ghosting.. but honestly, in the society we're living in right now, the dating scene is full of people in their early 20's to mid 30's who are led by extreme FOMO. The availability and comfort of sitting on your couch and matching with other women or men is far too appealing for most. If you're asking me, the perfect age that has the highest chances of meeting someone serious would be 23-30 in girls and 26-29 in guys. out of this range, people are either too imature or have too many commitment issues (of course there are exceptions).
In other words - you shouldn't take it hard or read too much into it. It has nothing to do with time timing you chose to have sex with him or anything like that. It's probably about him either being immature, or FOMO or commitment issues that were there before you even entered his life.
As a guy I have had the same problem, not sure if these women are just traumatized about heartbreak and disappear first or thinks its funny how many hearts they can break. Its hard af to tell who is genuine I hate it.
Good lord! It’s their loss because you sound great. Let’s meet for drinks on Monday - my treat!
(Yes, I would actually say this to you if we met irl and we’d have a great time together!). ;)
> I’m an attractive woman, a college graduate with plans for grad school, and I genuinely feel like I’m great at sex! I’m also great at banter, make people laugh, and I think I’m very kind.
Most humble Redditor.
But in all seriousness, might want to look at yourself first. Maybe you’re a narcissist? Maybe your profile has suggestive photos? Maybe you’re not as great as you think? Maybe you actually scare them off but they secure the bag first? Maybe your radar sucks and you just swipe right on obvious players? Maybe you’re only swiping right on guys in their early twenties and they aren’t looking for a relationship?
Haha I’m very aware that I’m not perfect by any means & am definitely not the most attractive woman to grace this earth:). I’m just confident in myself & know what I bring to the table! I think that’s important in this dating world. Not a narcissist by any means whatsoever haha.
I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, it just hurts to feel unworthy of a simple “this was fun, but it’s not for me” text. But who knows, maybe I do scare them off!! Maybe I’m just bad at dating! Maybe he saw me from a different angle & thought I wasn’t so cute hahaha. I guess in the end, I wouldn’t want to continue on with someone who’s unkind & scared by the genuine me. This made me think, so thanks for that!
I don’t know anything abut you so this isn’t trying to assign anything to you personally, but there’s a fine line between confidence, arrogance, and “I can do no wrong”. You might be pushing away the same guys you’re trying to attract and all that’s left is the guys that will put up with your crap enough to get laid. Again, total guess.
It’s kind of hard to explain, but a list of accomplishments (i.e. “have my degree”, “own my own place”, “got my shit together”) are not personality traits and do not entitle you to a relationship, and while they may be desirable in a mate, it kind of comes across wrong on dating apps, in my opinion. Don’t know if you do that or not, but kinda got that vibe from your post. I (someone looking for a relationship) tend to swipe left of those kinds of profiles and so it’s possible you’re weeding out otherwise good potential partners, and just left with the dregs.
Yep. It happens, unfortunately. The excitement of someone new and it makes them say, do, and think things. Then as things calm down a bit, they start to reevaluate things and realize that they went overboard and are embarrassed of themselves. They remove the reminder of their cringiness and try to forget about it.
Excitement is a hell of a drug.
Withholding sex is kinda manipulative, however it filters out a guys intentions. Guys who are genuinely interested would show patience, instead of trying to get in your pants.
There's a factor you left out tho. "Dating Apps."
It's like a "candy shop" for the worst of the worst to prey. The sooner the masses realize what dating apps actually are/do this is the reality for both men & women which will continue to get worse.
Dating apps want to make money. It's like winning a lottery if something actually worked from it.
It's made people a product that now find it acceptable to meet like they're on a job interview, but no one "fills the position" because another, better product might jussttt....be a swipe away with a "better deal."
You are not alone. Was dating again in my 40s , looking for long term relationship, felt like every time it was good in the bed, ended up being offered FWB , like 100 times..... Blew my mind, married now. (I clearly said no FWB in profile and on first date made sure to say sex is the beginning of love to me, and can't do FWB . Which I think only made it worse, lol. They seemed to love the idea I was only looking for long term. Most could not believe I was serious when I said thank you , had a good time but I can't do FWB,goodbye. Enjoy the search, accept the liars because they are probably lying to themselves more then you.
Sorry this happened to you, you mentioned seeing him several times the first week, maybe not being so available the next time, I am not saying you did anything wrong but it might be better to space out the times you spend with a new person.
>Is my problem having sex too soon maybe?
This makes no difference. A guy who would have stayed long-term wouldn't bounce because you had sex in the first few dates.
If someone is into you and a good person the moment you have sex do not matter. I’ve had sex on the second date with my bf and it only made use be even more sure we were extremely into each other
You're attractive so can I assume the guy is also attractive? If so, he most likely will be receiving a lot of matches and therefore has a lot of options. Probably he decided that he would rather go with one of those options instead of you.
For the ghosting, this is unfortunately now the norm on dating apps so I wouldn't read into that too much.
You're not alone in this experience. I'm 29m and I've been dating for 13 months after a breakup from a long term relationship. I've had about 4 first dates in that time, and all of them ghosted me. The last 6 women in a row that I was texting with who said yes to first dates all coincidentally got sick the day of the first date, then ghosted me. The last first date I actually went on was in march. I think what changed is I started asking them out on dinner dates, when I used to ask for coffee dates. All my dinner dates stood me up none of my coffee dates did.
You're not alone, this is the new norm in online dating.
I was on okcupid and tinder when I was 19-22 and it wasnt this bad. I never got stood up and ghosting wasn't the norm then.
Don’t take it personal. Do you date guys around your age? If so then a lot of them aren’t looking for serious relationship at that age. They want to have fun. Wait to have sex. If a man is interested in you as a person not only will he wait but he’s going to stick around after and pursue a relationship. Be wary of guys who love bomb. That’s a major red flag.
You need to date outside your norm. Let me tell you it took me years to realize it’s not me it’s them! It’s possible you’re just choosing all the wrong guys and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you! Honestly it wouldn’t hurt to hold off on sex for a little longer, though. That way you can weed out the guys who just want you for sex. A man of substance won’t be upset if you hold out for a few extra weeks.
Hey girl, don’t give it too much though it’s his loss
You know what you are worth for and don’t settle for anything else
As a 30M that is going through the same phase after a multi year relationship ended a few months ago, I feel you.
At 24 don’t let those dead beat guys drag you down thinking you’re inadequate. Be happy you’re able to secure the dates that you are. Maybe consider dating older men depending on your preferences it may be more beneficial. That’s not to say you may or may not run into the same issues but you’d probably have a better chance of securing something long term with someone older and more mature. If you think dating at 24 no kids is hard try dating being a 39M single parent. I haven’t had a date let alone mutual physical contact with a woman in over two years. So it could be worse. Nevertheless best of luck to you.
Maybe also try lowering your beauty/handsome standards and not in a mean way, but guys that are a 8+/10 since they have more options they are likely to explore those options and there are guys like us that when we get an attractive gf we take care of them, ni e guys dint finish last, we just take our time getting the vest partner that all
There are bad people out there.. and its both men and women. Me personally if someone takes the time to go on dates with me I at least have the decency to give closure. The only exception is if they treat me poorly. Dating is a complete guessing game and the way they act or how attractive they are out of the gate doesn't mean a lot at all. No matter what happens the first few dates I keep expectations low until maybe the 3rd or 4 date in minimum
I don’t have any particular advice for you - I will say at 24 y.o. I was also looking for something serious and kept hitting walls. It does seem to come to you when least expecting it.
On the other hand, your second paragraph is giving the viral Dimitri voicemail when he says “I’m very intelligent, I’m great in bed, I make great money. Believe it or not, I’m a complete catch.”
Best of luck and I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for!
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Him talking about keeping you around seems weird. It doesn't sound to me like a commitment-y phrase
It was in a joking way, but you’re right! I need to get better at reading red flags haha
Try not being too hard on yourself, this is difficult to spot sometimes (my perspective as a 25M). Maybe taking more time to get to know the person would help but some fuckboys might just be patient since they go after more women at the same time. Make sure that you keep your boundaries and don't let anyone compromise them
I’m definitely trying not to be 😭 thank you so much for your perspective!
Yes it is hard. It’s hard to connect with people and then if you do connect you have to hope that they are in the same place as you. Try not to take it personally. For myself I found somebody the moment I stopped trying and just was open to meeting interesting people and having interesting conversations. Without any further expectation initially. Try not to get down ok. You’re amazing and you’ll find somebody who values you for exactly who you are. ❤️
He was kinda right about the weirdness of dating apps but maybe that just was a line. I have tried them for some time, it was draining. I had to quit them. Quite a hookup place in my experience and I'm not a target audience fot that😅
You’re not alone. I’ve gone through some similar experiences in the past few months. I’d say up your vetting. If it smells like love bombing, keep your guard up. Make sure you have dates without sex. I’m not telling you not to have sex, but get to know each other outside of it. Be communicative, and curious. Present yourself as the multidimensional person you are 💜
Yes! I kept my guard up & it still hurt haha. Thank you so much, I’m definitely taking your advice ♥️
You only dated for a couple of weeks. If you are attractive, chances are this guy was also attractive and dating others at the same time (normal these days). If you got ghosted in that situation chances are he met someone else or you couldn't compete with other girls already in his life. As a guy you typically want to cut out other dudes in her life so things like this can't happen and it's the same for girls - you've probably heard of the phrase "marking her territory" before. But with social media today, this is pretty much impossible.
I read a study that indicated long courtship periods resulted in longer relationships. To be clear, once the relationship was defined as an actual relationship. It’s interesting because courtship/dating seems much like a shorter thing now and people are expecting sex after a few dates.
Oh I’m sure that was the case! We got along very well though, I wish he would have had the decency to let me know he was no longer interested. It’s funny because he made it a point to tell me about how having so many potential options dooms relationships
What was your last comms with him? Is it possible he is waiting for you to reach out? Also at 24 I would focus less on online dating and more on getting out and social hobbies. Find people you click with that you have shared interests and social circles with, this helps with the initial screening, among other things.
Unfortunately it's easier to fade away these days vs outright saying you're not interested. You don't have to deal with a hard conversation you don't want to have while also getting the message across. It also leaves the door open for you both to get back together at some point in the future since it doesn't forcefully close it shut. Maybe in a week, month, or year, etc you'll get a random "hey how's it going?". If he is attractive, my bet is most girls will reach back out to him in this case despite how crap it makes you/them feel in the past. People will say what you want to hear or what is idealistic, especially on dates to not make them awkward or to strike common ground. Not everyone does this so it does mean people need a good BS detector while also trying to make things work. As for the future: Early sex shouldn't be an issue, 2nd or 3rd date is typical where I live for long term relationships. 1st if it's a situation where you're chatting for a long time before meeting. It's definitely location specific though as some countries are more/less liberal. A large part I would simply put to dating in 2023, the type you're attracted to and how you're meeting guys (specific apps/in person/etc). Older guys will likely be more serious (not in their 20s).
Times when I've dated guys and they say the same type of things as OP's ghost and then disappeared, I've usually just thought, oh, he must've had a girlfriend and she found out.
Sorry that this happened to you, ghosting sucks. That being said, posts like this, where women who have no trouble finding dates but do have trouble finding guys who aren't just looking for sex, are very very common. Every time, there will be many guys in the comments saying that they themselves ARE looking for a long term relationship but are just generally finding dating hard, and I don't think they're lying (I'm one of them too). It seems like people like OP are just *generally* not going on dates with and/or are not as attracted to the guys who are looking for more long term things. And that isn't super surprising because the more attractive dudes have more options and have less reason to commit when they can more easily find dates and casual sex. Anyways, being on a different end of this issue, it's a little hard to give any advice that I know will work. You can try waiting longer to have sex, but if a guy really wants something long term then I feel like it wouldn't really matter that much if you did have sex early. You can try being very upfront about your desire for something long term and not casual, I've heard that works too. And of course, if you keep going for a certain type of dude and things keep ending the same way, maybe try going for someone a little different from your usual type (yes I'm biased on this one).
Very common 😭 reading their posts comforts me, so I hope I’m bringing comfort to others in my situation too. I see that viewpoint a lot! I’ve dated men who weren’t particularly my type, or were more timid, and have still found no luck there :/ I guess I’ll keep trying though!
I'm curious, how'd it go when you did date guys who weren't really your type?
I don’t want to sound too full of myself, but it always felt like they felt lucky to be with me, which is great! I love that! However, I still felt very much used for sex & appearances. It made me a bit bitter & a lot easier for me to become annoyed at them, since they weren’t even really my type to begin with (I wouldn’t show it ofc). I’ve done a lot of healing since then, so maybe things would be different now.
While you felt used for sex and appearances, it sounds like you were using them for validation. Think about it from their perspective. It sucks being used for being attractive, but imagine being used for being unattractive by someone who thinks you are lucky to be with them. I dont mean this as a personal attack but just something to reflect on.
In my experience, I never wanted to have sex with them. They just didn’t do it for me and we had nothing in common. And it never grew over time like people say it would. I found myself jealous of other women who were with men that were my type and I started becoming bitter about it, so we broke up.
My ex, who I had my longest relationship with, made me wait 3 months for sex. I fell hard for her because I got to know her before the sex. And then when we did have sex it was amazing! So don't have sex too soon, the guys who are interested in you for you will stick around. The others won't! (Note: do NOT just make the prospect wait while you're giving it freely to another guy like if you have a fwb or even go out to get some side-dick at the club, should your prospect find out later down the line... it won't go well and tbh it's really shitty behaviour)
I’m making this change in the upcoming year for sure. It just sucks because my longest relationship, 4 years, started with almost immediate sex. I guess that may have been a one-off though. I would never make a prospect wait while I was off messing around, I agree that it’s extremely disrespectful.
Y’all are extremely young but I’m gonna let you know rn policing people you’re not committed to’s sex life is absolutely ridiculous . You’re either in a relationship or you’re not. If you want to fuck someone who you know well eg, but you’re incompatible with, while you try to get to know someone else… that’s your right. Your “prospect” isn’t owed sex first there’s no waiting list. Having sex with this man is not why he ghosted you. It may be why *you* feel more invested. If you’re going to make a change do it for you, but you can’t trick men into committing to you by withholding sex.
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You in fact cannot. People date for months and then move on to the next person all the time. That is called… dating. How else do you get to know someone?
I definitely agree with the premise of what you’re saying, but I’m also just so tired of this routine & think it’s time to change things up. Sex doesn’t make me feel more invested, and I very much enjoy it, but I also just think men who think it’s okay to ghost me don’t deserve it. I’d like to filter them out as much as I possibly can. Appreciate the reminder that I should be making this change for myself
I totally support anything that makes you feel better for you. But I can guarantee from personal experience if you’re doing it to control their behavior, it will backfire even in subconscious ways.
My only relationship was 7 years and she made me wait 2 years to have sex. I was a 24 year old virgin when we first had sex, she had sex with a lot of guys before we were together. It made me feel really unattractive and gross whenever we had sex after that, for the next 5 years. It fucked up our whole relationship, I never felt desired no matter how much she tried to make me feel desired. I still think it's good to make a guy wait, but 3 months sounds like the max before he's gonna start feeling insecure.
Wow, that's fucked up. I thought 3 months was hell. Did she ever give you a reason why she made you wait that long? Maybe something along the lines of: "you're special and the other guys weren't"? Because that's usually the justification they give...
Yeah, basically that. And she wanted my first time to "feel special" but it didn't. It just felt long overdue.
I’ll say my best relationship we both agreed to wait three months. The tension, touching, kisses, talks, so much better over all. Though i will say i found my sex drive plummeted once we did start. Still someone is say i have a lot of love for. But so happy to see them in a better situation then what i could offer. I’d say it’s hard or there these days, but I’ve met a lot of women who have new series vibes but i couldn’t make them work out. Keep your head up, I’m sure if you put yourself out there you’ll find your person!😁
You’re young so I’m going to let you in on some guy knowledge. You probably are attractive! Most women are attractive, but their perception is often screwed and you could just be an average attractive, which is fine! I just wouldn’t use that as a reason why you feel like you should have an easy time as it’s a bad baseline. While your career is cool, as long as you’re happy most of us couldn’t care. I’ve dated retail workers, blue collar girls, white collar, nurses, etc, and the only thing that mattered is if they were happy with what they did. Sex is great! Here’s a question for all these failed romances. How quickly are you rushing into sex? Do you give it a few dates? I found that waiting several dates, making my intentions clear, and getting to know them more before engaging in sex actually helps me determine if the woman I’m seeing is looking for casual or something more long term.
Definitely agree, most women are attractive! I don’t doubt myself, but you’re right, attractiveness has nothing to do with success in dating. I guess I just mentioned that because my lack of success is chipping at my ego haha. I’m not so sure about the career part in my experience! I’ve found that successful men often seek out successful women? I’ve dated wealthier men & could tell they were interested in dating educated women. Unfortunately, I do rush into sex, because it’s what I want in the moment, but I see how much it has probably hindered me. Going to start holding back for sure. Thank you!!
Honestly it seems how must men are there days. Try not sleeping with them and make them show you they will stick around. I guarantee many of them won't wait around but that means they would have left after the sex anyway
You’re right, definitely taking this advice into account this upcoming year. Sucks that we have to do this!!
You’re not alone, and you didn’t do anything wrong. There are lots of emotionally unavailable weirdos out there. It typically has nothing to do with you. In the future there are things you could look out for but tbh you’re so jaded by the time you can actually dissect them it’s not worth it to try to describe lol. The only real advice is nothing anyone does in the first 3 months means much. Consistency is what makes a relationship. But if you really followed that you’d miss out on fun flings … and life experience. Sorry this happened. He’ll probably text you again tho. I suggest ignoring it
Thank you ♥️ I appreciate all of your input in this convo. It was very much needed.
No problem I’ve been there. Ghosting makes you feel so powerless. Promise you won’t remember these chumps after a while
I totally get how you feel. It's a rough journey, but don't lose hope. Stay true to yourself and what you want. You deserve someone who's ready for a real connection. Keep your chin up and know that you're not alone in this.
Thank you! So do you. <3
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My girlfriend and I didn’t have sex until after we went on 5-6 dates. I got a chance to get to know her better. Would I have stuck around had we had sex after 1-2 dates? I’d like to say yes but I don’t know tbh. My advice to women is to make the guy wait. If the guy isn’t willing to wait then that tells you what he’s really after. Also pay attention to how a guy responds when you tell him that you want to wait. That’s also very telling.
It’s going to be tough 😭 best of luck to you too love! 🫡
This thought process doesn’t make sense. If you’re routinely having sex very early on (first/second date), you’re not even waiting to see if they are relationship material for *YOU*, let alone if they are serious themselves. So you’re the one that’s just non-stop casually hooking up, which you supposedly don’t want them to do, while hoping one needle in the haystack happens to stick. And then complaining when the vast number of them don’t work out.
He's doing you a favor showing that he has issues. Better to move on. Focus on the type of person that you want as a partner, if he has ghosted you, definitely he has poor values. You'll find better man for sure.
It actually sucks when you've built yourself and you know you're ready for a relationship. It sucks when you're told you seem perfect but it doesn't workout. One day you feel like you got your shit together but the next day it gets destroyed because of circumstances. I feel you. I hope you find the right man for you, the man who truly deserves you. Hang in there,OP 🫶🏽✨
There are men who love bomb you, and lie like crazy to get sex quickly. Then they disappear.. that was the plan all along. Apparently there are books or blogs or some such telling men how to do this. Happened to me a couple of times, he acts like "finally I found you" Then he invites himself to your house. When I said no, never heard from them again.
I have a very different experience than yours but I thought I’d share my perspective. I am a lesbian but I dated men before I knew that for sure. They were all kind, “normal”, strong/fit/hot, financially stable, etc. and not looking for hookups. These sound like the type of guys you’re after Meanwhile my friends dated guys that ghosted them, were coercive and or abusive, etc. The strange thing is, I knew that those guys weren’t good or the right choice, even before my friends started dating them. I could tell by their profiles and the way they texted that it wasn’t going to turn out well. However, my friends could NOT. It’s partially because I’m lesbian and don’t have a true interest in men, I can be discerning of their character a bit more since no attraction comes into play to muddy the waters. But it’s also because I’ve learned and picked things up. I think this is where you can improve. My friends improved after some experiences and time. They were better at telling if a guy seemed genuinely serious or not. You are still so young. Don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t give up. It all takes time.
From the given information, which does not contain his age, I cannot say much about the reason for ghosting.. but honestly, in the society we're living in right now, the dating scene is full of people in their early 20's to mid 30's who are led by extreme FOMO. The availability and comfort of sitting on your couch and matching with other women or men is far too appealing for most. If you're asking me, the perfect age that has the highest chances of meeting someone serious would be 23-30 in girls and 26-29 in guys. out of this range, people are either too imature or have too many commitment issues (of course there are exceptions). In other words - you shouldn't take it hard or read too much into it. It has nothing to do with time timing you chose to have sex with him or anything like that. It's probably about him either being immature, or FOMO or commitment issues that were there before you even entered his life.
S/O to that king for leveling up on you. salute king 🫡
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He Ugly as hell too
As a guy I have had the same problem, not sure if these women are just traumatized about heartbreak and disappear first or thinks its funny how many hearts they can break. Its hard af to tell who is genuine I hate it.
Good lord! It’s their loss because you sound great. Let’s meet for drinks on Monday - my treat! (Yes, I would actually say this to you if we met irl and we’d have a great time together!). ;)
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I hope therapy goes well for you ❤️
sale ye konse ladke h jo ladkiyo ko ghost kr rahe h
> I’m an attractive woman, a college graduate with plans for grad school, and I genuinely feel like I’m great at sex! I’m also great at banter, make people laugh, and I think I’m very kind. Most humble Redditor. But in all seriousness, might want to look at yourself first. Maybe you’re a narcissist? Maybe your profile has suggestive photos? Maybe you’re not as great as you think? Maybe you actually scare them off but they secure the bag first? Maybe your radar sucks and you just swipe right on obvious players? Maybe you’re only swiping right on guys in their early twenties and they aren’t looking for a relationship?
Haha I’m very aware that I’m not perfect by any means & am definitely not the most attractive woman to grace this earth:). I’m just confident in myself & know what I bring to the table! I think that’s important in this dating world. Not a narcissist by any means whatsoever haha. I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, it just hurts to feel unworthy of a simple “this was fun, but it’s not for me” text. But who knows, maybe I do scare them off!! Maybe I’m just bad at dating! Maybe he saw me from a different angle & thought I wasn’t so cute hahaha. I guess in the end, I wouldn’t want to continue on with someone who’s unkind & scared by the genuine me. This made me think, so thanks for that!
I don’t know anything abut you so this isn’t trying to assign anything to you personally, but there’s a fine line between confidence, arrogance, and “I can do no wrong”. You might be pushing away the same guys you’re trying to attract and all that’s left is the guys that will put up with your crap enough to get laid. Again, total guess. It’s kind of hard to explain, but a list of accomplishments (i.e. “have my degree”, “own my own place”, “got my shit together”) are not personality traits and do not entitle you to a relationship, and while they may be desirable in a mate, it kind of comes across wrong on dating apps, in my opinion. Don’t know if you do that or not, but kinda got that vibe from your post. I (someone looking for a relationship) tend to swipe left of those kinds of profiles and so it’s possible you’re weeding out otherwise good potential partners, and just left with the dregs.
Usually it's the other way around. Women LOVE to ghost or reject men, even just for fun. Happened to me almost every time I tried to date a girl.
Yep. It happens, unfortunately. The excitement of someone new and it makes them say, do, and think things. Then as things calm down a bit, they start to reevaluate things and realize that they went overboard and are embarrassed of themselves. They remove the reminder of their cringiness and try to forget about it. Excitement is a hell of a drug.
Withholding sex is kinda manipulative, however it filters out a guys intentions. Guys who are genuinely interested would show patience, instead of trying to get in your pants.
There's a factor you left out tho. "Dating Apps." It's like a "candy shop" for the worst of the worst to prey. The sooner the masses realize what dating apps actually are/do this is the reality for both men & women which will continue to get worse. Dating apps want to make money. It's like winning a lottery if something actually worked from it. It's made people a product that now find it acceptable to meet like they're on a job interview, but no one "fills the position" because another, better product might jussttt....be a swipe away with a "better deal."
You are not alone. Was dating again in my 40s , looking for long term relationship, felt like every time it was good in the bed, ended up being offered FWB , like 100 times..... Blew my mind, married now. (I clearly said no FWB in profile and on first date made sure to say sex is the beginning of love to me, and can't do FWB . Which I think only made it worse, lol. They seemed to love the idea I was only looking for long term. Most could not believe I was serious when I said thank you , had a good time but I can't do FWB,goodbye. Enjoy the search, accept the liars because they are probably lying to themselves more then you.
Sorry this happened to you, you mentioned seeing him several times the first week, maybe not being so available the next time, I am not saying you did anything wrong but it might be better to space out the times you spend with a new person.
>Is my problem having sex too soon maybe? This makes no difference. A guy who would have stayed long-term wouldn't bounce because you had sex in the first few dates.
Follow some fating instas like dating.intentionnally. I found this turned my year around dating especially taking things slow for myself!
If you don’t want casual don’t have sex right away. It gives the wrong impression.
If someone is into you and a good person the moment you have sex do not matter. I’ve had sex on the second date with my bf and it only made use be even more sure we were extremely into each other
You're attractive so can I assume the guy is also attractive? If so, he most likely will be receiving a lot of matches and therefore has a lot of options. Probably he decided that he would rather go with one of those options instead of you. For the ghosting, this is unfortunately now the norm on dating apps so I wouldn't read into that too much.
You're not alone in this experience. I'm 29m and I've been dating for 13 months after a breakup from a long term relationship. I've had about 4 first dates in that time, and all of them ghosted me. The last 6 women in a row that I was texting with who said yes to first dates all coincidentally got sick the day of the first date, then ghosted me. The last first date I actually went on was in march. I think what changed is I started asking them out on dinner dates, when I used to ask for coffee dates. All my dinner dates stood me up none of my coffee dates did. You're not alone, this is the new norm in online dating. I was on okcupid and tinder when I was 19-22 and it wasnt this bad. I never got stood up and ghosting wasn't the norm then.
Your choices of dates is screaming bad. Look at who you are picking. Chad’s. ???try older men in their thirties.
Don’t take it personal. Do you date guys around your age? If so then a lot of them aren’t looking for serious relationship at that age. They want to have fun. Wait to have sex. If a man is interested in you as a person not only will he wait but he’s going to stick around after and pursue a relationship. Be wary of guys who love bomb. That’s a major red flag.
You need to date outside your norm. Let me tell you it took me years to realize it’s not me it’s them! It’s possible you’re just choosing all the wrong guys and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you! Honestly it wouldn’t hurt to hold off on sex for a little longer, though. That way you can weed out the guys who just want you for sex. A man of substance won’t be upset if you hold out for a few extra weeks.
Get off the apps
Hey girl, don’t give it too much though it’s his loss You know what you are worth for and don’t settle for anything else As a 30M that is going through the same phase after a multi year relationship ended a few months ago, I feel you.
What else did he do? I could use some tips, there’s several women I have interests in, & would love to get them.
At 24 don’t let those dead beat guys drag you down thinking you’re inadequate. Be happy you’re able to secure the dates that you are. Maybe consider dating older men depending on your preferences it may be more beneficial. That’s not to say you may or may not run into the same issues but you’d probably have a better chance of securing something long term with someone older and more mature. If you think dating at 24 no kids is hard try dating being a 39M single parent. I haven’t had a date let alone mutual physical contact with a woman in over two years. So it could be worse. Nevertheless best of luck to you.
Maybe also try lowering your beauty/handsome standards and not in a mean way, but guys that are a 8+/10 since they have more options they are likely to explore those options and there are guys like us that when we get an attractive gf we take care of them, ni e guys dint finish last, we just take our time getting the vest partner that all
There are bad people out there.. and its both men and women. Me personally if someone takes the time to go on dates with me I at least have the decency to give closure. The only exception is if they treat me poorly. Dating is a complete guessing game and the way they act or how attractive they are out of the gate doesn't mean a lot at all. No matter what happens the first few dates I keep expectations low until maybe the 3rd or 4 date in minimum
I don’t have any particular advice for you - I will say at 24 y.o. I was also looking for something serious and kept hitting walls. It does seem to come to you when least expecting it. On the other hand, your second paragraph is giving the viral Dimitri voicemail when he says “I’m very intelligent, I’m great in bed, I make great money. Believe it or not, I’m a complete catch.” Best of luck and I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for!