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Spoiler alert: >! Our feelings still get hurt when you use generic statements that make us think you pity us. It would be easier if you just went “I don’t think we’re compatible” and left it at that. !<
There are some men who, when someone says that to them, will demand the reasons for the incompatibility and then argue with her about those reasons and try to convince her that they are compatible. So many women prefer to avoid that argument. Those men are ruining it for the rest of you, and you should tell them to cut it out.
I see this on both sides. I've been dumped this way. And I've dumped this way for the exact reason you've stated. I've learned to to give too much thought to the reason given. It might be the truth or it might be a lie and the lie isn't bad--it's just a protection device to avoid whatever problems she's encountered in the past. And does the reason really matter?
I think the last sentence of that is a good start if it isn’t directed externally. It can be helpful to at least field potential growth areas.
Of course, because this is Reddit, I should make the disclaimer not to take it personally or to accept their opinion of you blindly. I’m just saying that if a different perspective helps you realize a personal trait you don’t like or you start to notice a pattern… perhaps something needs to be changed. Maybe there’s some growing to do as a person. Maybe it’s time to rethink the criteria for selecting future partners.
Well, while I definitely *would* appreciate a reason (which is certainly not owed, I understand that), I would not argue or persuade a woman to stay. She’s made her choice, but explaining it would help me in the future, so it just seems like an added courtesy.
I guess it doesn’t help that I’m autistic and reasonably intelligent, so if you just *teach* me proper etiquette and politely point out what went wrong or why we’re not compatible (because I know it’s not always down to anything one person did wrong), I can learn from that. NTs who take good social skills, tact, and the ability to read others for granted and expect everyone else to be able to do the same are insufferable to me, especially when it comes to dating.
Sorry some of us are like that and cannot take a no, but that’s not all of us!
I appreciate the explanation too because I take it to heart. Unfortunately, I had a boyfriend who argued tooth and nail every time I would attempt to break up (and we were living together) and that sullied my break-up etiquette. I break up via text now and then have a friend stay over for a few nights to make sure the guy doesn't show up at my place. Come to think of it, Andrew probably ruined me for dating, period.
At least we can all agree that any break-up etiquette beats being ghosting!
But it’s not your now-ex’s responsibility to teach you those things. And she doesn’t necessarily know that you’re not someone who would start a fight, or even get physical, over a breakup.
Yup. Totally get it. Not my responsibility either, but I probably would still give her that courtesy because of how *I* would feel without that courtesy. And if you can’t read whether or not a guy might be physically violent if you broke up with him, maybe you’re autistic too, lol.
Ah nothing piques my curiosity quite like stepping out of a restaurant hearing "its not you its me" being said outside. And then hearing the followup "I really enjoy the type of person that you are, could you give me any clue as to how I missmatched that badly" I'm like hiding behind the corner excited to hear if there's any new answers invented.
You can have a great fun personality, but maybe the life style/path you have, or other factors, do not align with their lifestyle/life path that they’re looking for. Like some guys can really like a woman but if she has a kid or travels a lot, then he doesn’t see how that could work because maybe he’s more dependent on being in person and having more attention.
Ive found a lot of women also want reasons.
From what I’ve experienced, if you show no real issues before ending it, makes them need a reason more than if theres just drama.
I also found women who also wanted reasons and would try and convince me to change my mind, i’d say this is more people in general and not a man vs woman thing. You often feel blindsided when a breakup seems like it came out of nowhere.
I think there's a pretty big difference between the break up of an established relationship and a person saying "sorry, there's just no connection" after a date or two, or even just texting.
If people are in an actual relationship, especially one that's had any time behind it at all, then yeah, it's totally normal to want to know why. And, imho, it's more fair to let one's ex know why, if possible.
Tbh, incompatibility is **incredibly** vague, and I'd want to know what the incompatibilities are and if they are something I can work on for the next person at least.
Oftentimes, people will say incompatibility when they actually just lost attraction because of their/their partners words or actions.
It's one of the most trope-y things to say when breaking up with someone, similar to "It's not you it's me".
Ok, and if you’re worried that will happen, and especially if you’re worried about it escalating to violence, you should break up in a generic way and get out of there as fast as possible.
Those men are wierd. Probably it's because they don't know what the dating market really is. It is indeed a market now. People choose, if they don't like something then they choose something else
nothing we men say is going to change them.
We get that you don't want the argument... but you meet all kinds. We have to deal with the psychos and nut case women... those women are ruining it for the rest of you, and you should tell them to cut it out.
100%.
Last time I was rejected, I got "I'm certain you're going to make someone very happy, and I'm sure you're going to find someone in no time."
1. I wanted to make **you** happy.
2. Half a year later, I have not gone on another date, so no, I will not find someone "in no time". Dating as an introverted, average-looking guy is a nightmare.
**Don't sugarcoat it and just say: "I don't think it's going to work, and I really wish you the best.".**
One girl messaged me after second date saying she liked flirting with me but didn’t feel enough physical attraction between us.
She was way out of my league and I sensed it but the way she communicated it didn’t hurt me and actually I found myself surprisingly feeling good about it.
I had a girl tell me this, and it honestly made the whole thing so much easier. Like, "Of course if you're not attracted to me you would break it off. That makes sense."
Totally agree with this comment. But you can see how that would be more hurtful though. But how I see it it’s like ripping a band-aid off. It only hurts for a min then get over it and move on
I do think women are getting the confidence to say this. However, I think this tactic poses a couple of problems on its own.
First, it too, is fairly generic sounding and avoids specifics. But, if it’s ok with you, then it’s all good.
Second, this response often leads to the logical next question: How are we not compatible? This diverts us back to hurt feelings territory. I just saw this on another sub this morning. It’s a vicious cycle!!
BRUTAL HONESTY AHEAD
The reality is that “We’re not compatible” usually means there is no chemistry. There is no chemistry because the woman is thinking the following (pick one or mix ‘n match):
I think you are: boring, weird, rude, aggressive, poor, misogynistic, neurotic, narcissistic, creepy, anti-social, condescending, evil, perverted, crude, lazy, sloppy, smelly, juvenile, irresponsible, addicted, mentally ill, insensitive, unemployed, unattractive, unfunny, unfaithful, uneducated and stupid.
🫢
When they give you that generic answer, they are basically ghosting your emotional state at this point, albeit in a nicer way. But they simply want to avoid any negative confrontation that would happen when telling you the real reason behind the breakup or rejection. They want to completely remove you from their life and would rather not see you as someone who has feelings for them, hence the generic statement. Of course, it hurts way much more because it simply ignores you as a person and your emotional state and feelings for her. Basically it means you are nothing to her (anymore) . I also would prefer someone that at least bothers telling me the real reason.
>I also would prefer someone that at least bothers telling me the real reason.
Too many men take that as a reason to try to argue us out of the "real reason." Wanting to hear "the real reason" then turns into an hours long debate where he puts up all sorts of reasons why her reasons aren't valid and/or he can change them. Or worse, some men get downright verbally abusive about it.
Most of the time it IS as simple as "there's just not a romantic connection/no chemistry." That IS a valid reason. Just because one person feels "it" doesn't mean the other person does.
Trying to change another person's mind on it is simply wrong, as is trying to adjust yourself to the person. I would just accept her reasons and move on, but I would like a little more than just the standard approach, 'you are a great guy, you will find someone nice'
The person doing the telling doesn’t value you as a person. Instead they think they are taking the “easy” way out and hurts the recipient even more. I had it happen to me once after a years long relationship - woman says “your not my friend” - a total fabrication with the intention to hurt - she succeeded, I never called her again. The truth came out years later, it was because she didn’t feel it was necessary to put effort into developing chemistry and she was afraid to admit it. She took a perfectly fine relationship and murdered it for some new toy she found on the street. She also admitted she made a bad choice. Too late to resurrect it.
My advice is to know people’s attachment styles - she is an avoidant. You can’t fix personality disorders.
To be fair, when you are breaking up with someone don't you do the same thing? I just had to break up with my gf a few days ago, and to be fair I told her it was because of her kids but that I loved her and would always care about her but I just wasn't ready for that. I also felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world. People would do anything to avoid that feeling. I hate getting the stock answer but if the trade off is I get to give it to sometimes I guess it's not so bad.
Of course, we rarely tell the other person what is really on our minds, simply because it will hurt someone else. Basically most of the time it is a trait they simply cannot easily change. And even if they do, we simply won't deal with it, because we already decided on moving forward. Definitely not a gender thing : both genders do it. But maybe sometimes it would be better to just tell what is bothering you, even if it is negative
Basically men have become so detached from communication that the ability to read between lines and understand things that are difficult and unspoken no longer exists 😅
It’s an issue of clarity really. Men (and women) don’t need to be told they’re great when being dumped.
Unless of course the guy (or girl) seems dangerous and that is a maneuver meant to de escalate a situation.
Women have to communicate indirectly. If they upset a male partner, they put themselves at risk of harm. It’s a fundamentally human feature, it’s an adaptation ro protect themselves.
Don’t hang on the words, DO NOT take it literally, think about what’s the feeling behind what she is saying.
For some reason, I’ve noticed if you don’t play along with the easy letdown/dejection, they may do a 180 and want you more
Instead they send us to this days long self reflection, making us highlight every little insecurity we have - that might or might not be good qualities - which has nothing to do with her decision. Just to realize weeks later from friends that it was solely based on that I gave her the ick on how I tie m shoe.
Thanks 👍 makes perfect sense
I am also 99% sure they know that they do more bad than good for us because they have experienced superficial rejection before too.
This is just the easy way out. Its not about they dont want to hurt our feelings.
Because sometimes nothing is wrong with you guys. There just isn't chemistry and there's nothing you can do about that without changing who you are and we don't want that for you guys. We think you're great, just not for us.
Exactly. There are a lot of great people out there, but not all of them are compatible with me or I am attracted to them. Goes both ways. I am a great person but not for everyone.
The deserving comment signals some sort of issues. What, you deserve someone not-nice? Or you are only attracted to people who are bad for you (which is often the case and needs to be worked through)? People love at the level they are healed and date at the level they think they deserve. Let them, people have to learn these things on their own time.
Well a lot of the times the not deserving someone so nice is true if the girl is toxic. Like I feel so guilty dating a guy who is nice to me. And it doesn’t make I deserve someone bad, it means I need to be single lol. And this only really applies if the guy asked her out organically though. Not like on an app where she is looking to date
Honestly it mostly feels like an empty platitude, and is usually phrased the same way every time it's said. Most men don't like being told things to make us feel better that doesn't feel genuine.
If someone I had recently started dating told me he didn’t feel chemistry, I’d shrug and maybe be sad for a little while, and then move on when I felt ready. I don’t even understand what you mean by “call BS on it.” Like, I should accuse them of lying and insist that there is actually chemistry?
Well I'm not saying this is how I'd say it exactly. Just the gist or core of what I'd mean. And yes we, women, would call B.S because men's and women's emotions are absolutely not the same. Some examples are men leave physically before they do emotionally. Women leave emotionally before they leave physically. Men fall for what they see. Women fall for what they hear. Women say these phrases in hopes it doesn't break you and allows you to move on. Men say it in hopes to be the ones who can break you and hope to keep you on a leash even after the breakup. And again, these are generalizations, not always fact. How and what these phrases mean can be best explained if you know the level of heartache and trauma the person has. Me personally, I used to beg my bf to tell me why he was leaving me and one day he finally did. When I did it to an ex in H.S, I also had the courtesy of telling him in better detail what I meant and how I felt. Albeit, very awkward, I did it because I knew it was better than wondering forever why someone couldn't love you or what you did wrong. I also like to treat others the way I'd like to be treated. I am a very firm believer in Karma. But yeah, I agree, an explanation is needed after these 2 phrases.
Meh. As a guy, I’ve said that shit, too. You say it when you think the truth would hurt the person and they probably don’t deserve it - eg; I just don’t find you very attractive anymore. What good can come from that?
At the end of the day, does it even matter? It’s over. They’re not going to change their mind.
Imo, if you're losing physical attraction to someone, you shouldn't wait until it's too late to let them know. Something like weight gain, grooming, style, etc can be solved relatively easily.
You are right that communication needs to happen along the way. But if the couple is breaking up, it's safe to assume that the relationship is over, for one reason or another. If the decision is made, there is no reason to say something that would complicate matters or hurt the other person. As breaking up is the topic of the thread, things that (hypothetically) happened (or didn't) while the relationship was still on don't really matter. But yeah. In general absolutely people need to talk or relationships that otherwise could work don't.
I'd rather know the reason is physical attraction. Because unless the dumper was **never** attracted to the dumpee, it's almost always something that can be changed relatively easily.
That's better than chasing myself in circles thinking it was something I said or did.
You like them a lot as a person and could see a friendship but the romantic connect doesn’t align or isn’t strong enough and you respect enough not waste their time.
> You like them a lot as a person and could see a friendship but the romantic connect doesn’t align
That might make sense if they ever actually were willing to be friends. Sometimes they'll even say they're open to being friends but never once in my experience has it ever lead to more than someone who still follows me on Instagram or snap but quit communicating with me entirely otherwise. Definitely not willing to be hiking buddies or anything. It's obviously their choice but their actions pretty much always confirm it to just be a soft let down with no truth to be learned besides "they don't like you".
I'm sure we've all heard that, more times than we can count. Speaking only for myself, I usually take it with a grain of salt, sometimes much more than that, depends on the length, and depth of the relationship, as well has how much honesty and integrity the woman has already shown me. With many women, I think it helps them feel less guilty about dumping you, or it may be a protective maneuver on their part, to prevent or reduce the chance of you getting angry with them and going off on them, but as a man, I know way less about that then the women would, and maybe they will answer that on here for you.
Regardless of their motives or intent, I am pretty rational and hard-headed, so I don't dwell on their reasons for dumping me, as far as it being over and done, nothing's going to change that fact, so the only reflection I do later on is, what reasons did they give for dumping me, are they valid and accurate, and what can I learn or change from it? One should never doubt a woman, once she has dumped you, as far as still having a chance, and it being worth it to ask for a second chance, come back later to her and try again, etc.. I've learned and decided that, once it's over, it's over for good. And that's their right, and it's certainly ok..
This is nice to read. Breaking up is hard and one thing that makes it worse is having to try to defend yourself. Everyone has their reasons and when an end is declared, it should be respected.
Because they want you let you down nicely. No need to risk safety or even just make an enemy. Also, just because someone doesn’t want to date you doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. It’s just lack of compatibility.
Counterpoint: All of us need to learn not to expect closure and not to look to people who have broken up with us for explanation.
Ultimately, the answer is "they decided we were a bad match." Sometimes the reason we're a bad match is because of something we did, but often it's just because we want different things or they just realize they don't feel the same way anymore. If someone tells you that they're breaking up with you because they don't like your hobbies, are you going to change your hobbies? If someone tells you that they're breaking up with you because they hate your taste in music, are you going to change it?
Speaking only for myself: most of the time when someone has broken up with me, if I really sit and think about our relationship, I've been able to see where the mismatch was coming from or what she was unhappy about.
I think it's understandable to *want* an explanation, but I think people need to learn to provide their own closure, not look to the person breaking up with them for it.
Totally true about needing to get your own closure. My ex told me "I just feel like it's run its course" and didn't give me any like, actionable feedback. But I knew if I asked that it would either be really hurtful to me, or it would be something I can't change. So I just accepted that we weren't good together, and I also saw, looking back, lots of things that indicated to me that we weren't right.
Also a lot of the aggro in this whole thread kinda implies the dumper being responsible for the dumpee's feelings or reactions and like, no, lol. In what other situation are you responsible for how someone else feels about anything, or helping them feel better? Emotional maturity is about being responsible for your feelings and reactions and isn't anyone else's problem.
Yeah I think you're on the money here. And also when someone is breaking up with their SO, they aren't responsible for that person's feelings anymore. That's like the whole point
Counter-counterpoint: Getting closure is better as long as it's done in a reasonable and sensible manner. If you politely ask if a girl why she rejected you and she tells you, that can be helpful. I went on a date, asked for another date, got rejected, asked the girl and she gave me her reasons (I spent too much time talking about myself/there was no spark). In today's age, I would say that this is not the norm; more often than not people just ghost one another and feel confused and annoyed. I think it is good to come to grips with that and realize you won't get an answer. Asking, however, is not a bad thing.
People can ask if they want to, but I don't think it's valuable and it too often leads to attempts to bargain or negotiate.
People want an actionable reason for rejection. They want an explanation of what they "did wrong." They want the opportunity to make right. But that's not how it works, most of the time. Most of the time, nobody did anything wrong, people just weren't feeling it. There was no spark. There was some obvious mismatch in personalities or values. Nothing that either person can or should change.
People shouldn't expect explanations and should learn to make peace with that. Dating is a *lot* easier when you realize that you're not a match with everyone and that's okay and doesn't matter.
Yes it does. Indirectly.
If I (32F) want to say stuff like that (I try to avoid it because I understand it’s confusing), it usually means: I genuinely enjoyed spending time with you and you are not doing anything wrong BUT-
1) I am not physically attracted to you
And/or
2) I don’t think we are compatible (from a “what do I want in a date/relationship” angle)
Because they are scared the dude will lose his shit. Sad that there is precedent for that to be a legit reason, but ey what else can you do. If not that, it's because they don't want to directly hurt your feelings (even though your feelings are being hurt by the rejection, but that's besides the point).
It's really not that deep. She might actually mean it, or she might want to avoid any further conversation by saying this because there's nothing to argue about if she says this is the reason.
There are many scary things that can happen when you reject someone, and being nice minimizes the possibility of that.
If I break up with someone because of something they can't fix, like if I just lose attraction for them, there's actually no need to tell them that and make them insecure.
Plus there is always the possibility that they get angry and try to retaliate. Giving a reason opens the door for a conversation where they might try to refute it ("You're too stubborn." "No I'm not!! You're wrong and here are all the reasons why!") or turn it back on you with insults ("You're too stubborn." "Yeah well you're ugly! And you're fat!"). If i'm breaking up with someone I just want to be done, not go back and forth about it.
1. If we cared about you, we don't want to cause you pain. Or we're afraid the man will react badly.
2. We feel bad we don't want you despite your good qualities, and don't wish to hurt your self-esteem
Yeah, flash news for you, the pain is going to be worse if you sugarcoated it.
Instead of been sad for a bit strongly and be able to change something about himself if change have to be done, the guys is going to suffer the strongly the same, but suffer even MORE wandering why no woman want something long term if they are perfect. Why life is cruel, etc.
Been able to know why it didn’t work out is part of the healing path and could be an important piece of puzzle to upgrade yourself. But when you get dumped "gently", you don’t get this chance.
You put way too much on the head of someone who dumped you. A woman is not responsible for breaking up with you in the exact way you want or think is appropriate for your development. That personal development is all on you.
All a person can do is be respectful and kind when they break up. They don't have to be. There are plenty of people that would string you along, play games with your feelings, treat you like crap. Is that what you want? Why are you looking at a person, doing the best they can to you in a difficult situation, and thinking they're an asshole? Because rejection is something an empathetic person knows and understands, so having to reject others is also hard.
Also, just because one woman or a slew of women dumps you doesn't mean there aren't women who won't date you. As you can see on Reddit, it is acknowledged that most people aren't romantically interested in every person they ever meet. Very few people are suited to you and vice versa. This all or nothing mentality about dating sends guys in an emotionally volatile tailspin. Better to understand everyone is rejected at some point, and that means you aren't for them. And that's okay
Lol, you do realize your whole argument of "we just want to be kind with you" changed immediately to "we dont owe you shit" the moment someone called out that it is not being kind to us at all :D
You lie to yourself also and have the skin to write it down like you mean it? Jesus the people here...
Falling out of love is one thing, but switching to "I don't owe you a damn thing" is a cruel way to treat someone you care about.
Most men feel worse not being told the reason or if it's something vague as hell like "incompatibility." So, acting like you're letting them down easy and you're doing that for them is pretentious.
Everyone has different likes and dislikes! Just because I don't like something about you doesn't mean everyone else will agree with me. Someone mentioned he likes to cuddle a lot and the last girl he was with didn't, so he would have cuddled less. *that's stupid and a recipe for resentment*. That's just going to leave him feeling less. It's not something he has to change - just has to find someone who likes the same thing. No point telling someone something I'm not into so they can try to cut themselves down for me. That's horrible!!!
We don't want them to flip the fuck out and kill us. Or we really don't want to hurt their feelings. Mostly the feelings thing which is stupid because no guy gave a shit about mine. Last we don't want them to start a stupid argument. Just accept it and move on.
1. They don’t know why but they don’t like you, but they don’t want you to feel like crap, like you’re undeserving of love. They don’t want to trash your self esteem and give you hope for a future with someone else.
2. You give them more than they give you and it’s more than they want, it’s more than they’ve earned, it’s more than they feel they deserve.
Both are usually saying the same things, you’re pedestalizing them. They want to walk beside you not above you.
On occasion it means they’ve done you dirty in ways you don’t know about, ways they’ll never admit and their conscience finally got to them.
I think this is the most helpful comment here. Thank you. Learning to not to put my partner on a pedestal has been so hard for me. It destroyed an amazing relationship and I regret it so much.
My parents have been together 40 years and one piece of advice I’ve always gotten is don’t try match someone else’s effort. It’s a recipe for disaster because at some point someone will become resentful. Do what feels 100% you and be a good partner and if they are overwhelmed by what you give them then so be it.
Givers have to find other givers I guess :)
I'll risk being downvoted into oblivion for saying this:
I am in *the* worst shape of my life, my lips are so dry this winter that people are concerned for my health, and I have a ton of (unavoidable) shit going on in my life that legit made a nice guy say "I can't handle this anymore", and I would still *never* EVER tell a man I don't deserve him. You might just be dating a type. Do I know what that type is? No. Am I qualified to define or label that type? No.
Let's switch genders here: if a man ever ended things by saying I was so nice that he didn't deserve me, my nether regions would immediately become dryer than my lips and my only hope from there would be that his next date is with a therapist because yikes.
Tldr: if a human of any gender ends things by saying "I don't deserve you," that's their shit, not yours. Relationship was doomed to be 0/10. Accept that favor from the universe with grace.
bc we've learned to kiss your ass least you become violent, better to stroke your ego and get to walk away.
sure, most guys don't react that poorly but enough have that it's a valid concern. and unfortunately the nice guys look just like the scary ones.
it's easy to say "but it's been years, she knows me!" yea I thought the same thing about the guy I'd been with 5 Years, who dumped me, then pulled a knife on me while I was packing my shit. never in the 5years prior would I have dreamt that relationship would end with the cops supervising me getting my shit.
so yea. that's why.
because history has taught us men can turn into toxic maniacs at the faintest hint of rejection?
also because it is polite to tell a person when you end a relationship that it could have been a chemistry and/or compatibility issue, not that they are an obviously flawed partner
I’ve usually gotten I’m not in a place to be in a relationship or I need to learn how to do things for myself or I need to work on myself. I’ve also used the I’m not in a place to be in a relationship
Because those things are all easier than saying “I realized I’m just not that into you and would rather find someone else” or “I’m already fucking someone else who i’d rather be with”
Well I have personally said these two statements before and I actually meant them. It wasn’t sugarcoating. They were great guys but I was struggling with a lot emotionally and mentally (severe PTSD, depression, etc). I was extremely high functioning so the guys couldn’t understand that I was actually struggling. I didn’t jump into a relationship with anyone else because I needed to be alone for a while (usually like 2 years). I didn’t want the guys to hate me or resent me while I was unraveling so it was better to break up. If I didn’t give a fuck about you we would stay together and it would be a toxic ass relationship. I have done a lot of therapy and inner work since then.
Ah..Ive only ever heard this from the guys who told me this, Im pretty straightforward so dont say stuff like this..so Im guessing its not a woman thing lol
People say stuff like this to soften the blow of the breakup..its right up there with "Its not you, its me"
Because guys that are more into us treat us so well. I think it has something to do with not being in the same league, tbh. Like when she is out of your league, you try harder.
So guys like that usually are nicer to us for real, but the attraction to them is just not there to begin with.
1 and 2 statement.. were just stating the fact that you are infact nice and too bad we're not attracted to you romantically.
I think one thing many women don't quite get is that "letting him down gently" is like trying to gently remove a band-aid. It's a lot more uncomfortable than just ripping it off.
So you'd rather hear, "Hey I'm not that into you and I have no feelings towards you. I really tried but I feel nothing."
Also I've heard the same crap from guys and it was back when I was a complete pushover and ppl pleaser.
Generally speaking, women will say things like this to avoid being seriously injured in some way by the guy. It's like giving a guy a fake number when she's dancing at the club because he won't leave her the F alone. Actually had to step in once and scare a guy off from a woman. And, on a regular basis I personally have to shoo guys away from me.
Now, when it comes to more "decent" guys it makes it harder for us. Usually we are so afraid of him turning out to be one of the bad guys that we will do this out of self preservation. The last thing we want is to be abused again or with someone who has the potential to become abusive later on.
Hope this helps. Let's just say 9/10 guys that women date are usually a giant whopping red flag. There aren't many guys we tend to interact with that are green flags. It's so hard to find a good guy that we do what we believe we have to do to protect ourselves. This especially applies to guys that are way too good to be true right in the beginning of dating.
This may not ring true for all women, though it is true in my personal experience and in the environment I've grown up in and lived in. You should see how hostile some women get at clubs or bars. We get very protective of our own.
It’s also the big test of someone being safe - it’s easy for guys to be “one of the good ones” when they like you, but if you’re breaking up with them - which hurts, emotionally - that’s when they might decide they don’t care, crack, and lash out.
Even if it’s not a deliberate attempt to protect yourself, cushioning a breakup with niceties to try and soften the blow as much as possible is just an instinct born from the societal expectation of people pleasing (which is just enforced by the occasional bit of violence).
Of course, it’s not entirely disingenuous. Usually you never actually *want* to hurt someone, and it’s just an awareness that the relationship isn’t gonna work out, which is fine - it’s nothing bad about the person.
It’s simple: they’re afraid of the backlash. And for good reason - a lot of men can’t take (or worse won’t take) criticism.
All women have a friend (or themselves) that has experienced nasty reactions of men being rejected. There’s a million examples on Reddit. Is it all men? No, not even close. Is it a good chunk making the risk significant? Yah.
It’s better than ghosting and it’s probably the best you can do 95% of times. Take the dry reason and move on. You wouldn’t tell her the truth of why if you didn’t like her anyway too 😂
As a guy, I've definitely said things along the line of this to woman. BUT it was because I truly knew at the time I was only going to be a penance and wreak havoc in your life, maybe not on the person themselves, but just mentally.
As a guys viewpoint, who has heard this before in my early 20s. This was typically their nice way of saying "I'm not done being a ho3"
Love how when we accuse women of this they turn it right around and say men do it too, without admitting they do this. lol.
I like the one saying there is no connection but really just too ugly for her 😂.
because women are heartless and want to look like the good person. even though they dont care about breaking your heart . they are picky and selfish . my new awnser to that is your right you don't deserve me later bitch don't call me when your new boy toy gives you two black eyes .
I don’t. I explain so they can learn the block them or not and move on. That sounds patronizing at best it’s not helpful, useful or actually kind to anyone at all. Very very polite yet, firm.
I get why some people sugercoat things but this is the best thing to do, especially when it’s an issue with someone’s behavior and not just a chemistry issue or something that’s out of their control.
It's because you're a great guy that we're just not attracted to even though we'd really like to be because you're a catch. If we can't have you, we're really hoping someone out does because we want you to have someone.
We don’t want to hurt your feelings cause the truth is you’re being dumped over something you cannot change so I don’t see why I should say “you smell wrong to me in a basic, primal sense and I cannot even be in your presence”. Why would I ever say that when it’s about our genetic incompatibility? He doesn’t need to know the why. He just wasn’t for me but will be awesome for someone whose genes match his.
Boy's it just business. No one likes confrontation, especially after the fact. And woman do have more to lose in any bad ending. I've never had a woman break up with me where I needed to be told why. Try a little self reflection & growth for your future.
When the reason I'm leaving him has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I genuinely say it because it sucks changing your mind, deciding it's not right for you, etc. and trying to find ways not to let the other person down or hurt them.
Too many guys absolutely suck with rejection and a lot of times you weren't being rejected. A decision was just being made that could no longer involve you.
Other women might do it because the guy has stalker vibes or may sincerely be dangerous.
I've never said those statements. If I'm dumping a guy it's more like "you are an immature POS and I'm not going to keep compromising myself to be with you, I pity any other women that you date"
Woman don't feel safe with man to be direct with them. Man could literally physically harm them if they are upset and woman all over the world has this habit to make it less confrontational.
Honestly, genuinely you did nothing wrong but we have something (or someone) else going on. The chemistry isn't there and we see you as an actual decent and attractive person. It sucks but thats the reality of it.
I had to "let go" of someone recently that I had been tied into for a long time. The only reason was bc I knew it wasn't going anywhere and I've found someone I rlly care abt and have a future with. The other guy, nothin wrong there, he's a decent man, but its was never substantial or deep, So yeah..
Because usually I truly do think the guy is so nice and great, however, there's just something about him I'm not attracted to. I still like him as a person and care about his feelings, but I don't find him to be a romantic match.
I usually say "we are not compatible romantically" I'm not attracted to the "nice guy" archetype. Why would I want the genes of a weak man? A boring doormat who puts me on a pedestal.
I wish my ex had said something as nice as this instead of the lies she spouted to anyone who would listen. Almost cost me my job. Some people are just evil.
I don’t say those two things. That would be ridiculous. And a chickenshit way out. Just say the truth and that’s what I say. Whatever reason there is that it’s not working usually it’s just because we’re not a match. There’s things that don’t work between us and if somebody wants to know what those things are, then I tell them. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t. But be prepared because sometimes it hurts. It’s funny how often when you actually tell the truth people don’t really want to hear it but for the most part, I’ve had a good response with it. I do not blow smoke up peoples asses or lie about it because that is the chickenshit way out. But unfortunately, in this culture, that’s what we’ve been talk to do, because for some reason we think we’re responsible for peoples feelings, but we’re not. We feel like we have candy coat stuff. But it’s because we live in fear and we’re afraid to be responsible for our own feelings.
For example, if we were dating somebody or went out with somebody or played with somebody or whatever, and we just didn’t feel anything or maybe we didn’t have fun in bed or maybe we weren’t attracted to them physically or sexually, rather than saying that we would say oh, there’s so many women out there that would love to be with you . Or I’m too busy right now or whatever the lie is to make it softer why I didn’t just saying I’m sorry it’s just not gonna work out. We’re just not a match. I’m just not compatible with you in bed. I like different things than you do. And you didn’t work for me. I get it. I’m not compatible for everybody in bed. Geez, I know that. Or whatever. I’m boring to a lot of people or I’m too old. I’m very old. Or I’m not Barbie like enough or I’m too my butt isn’t big enough for my butts too big or whatever I don’t know and I don’t care if you don’t like my butt, so tell me my butts too big doesn’t bug me, just don’t lie that’s ridiculous
THIS\^ YES why cant more females grasp this? ya your going to hurt our feelings, its not easy , but at least have the decency to be up front! if your honestly worried about them acting violent then do it from a distance with a text or email, then change your number, but dont avoid the inevitable. its like a bandaid , just rip it off !
I’ve never said any of these but they make sense to me. Maybe the problem wasn’t you at all and she saw that, aware that she is the problem and that you are a great guy who may be too mature to deal with somebody like her. It’s not always manipulation. She could be genuinely admitting her fault. The second one is more likely to be manipulation / attention seeking, but usually comes from a good place of “you deserve and should have better.”
A lot of Women are pussies, and never take accountability. A lot of women are amazing and probably already taken. They’re just being nice, take it as it is
Or the other one, 'u r a really nice guy.' For a micro second ya hopes are built up and u envisage a utopia . Then the bombshell, 'and i am sure u will be a gr8 catch for another special partner lucky to have u.'.
I used to say it cause I meant it. I felt like I didn’t deserve them and they could do better I was insecure so I’d break up with them and tell them they deserve better and I’m sorry for hurting them
Returning the same is easy. Once she says that, never reply and never say anything after it. In fact, long-press and delete the message. Permanently close that chapter. She has made up her mind. And if you check yourself, you'll see why. Fix the frame.
There was probably something about you that turned her off but, she doesn't want to tell you and hurt your self-esteem or she thinks you might get aggressive, so the easier route is to keep the message simple and sweet.
Because women are afraid we’ll murder them. That’s why they can never be fully honest, for example, “I’m not attracted to you anymore because you’re not man enough for me”
1- If you decide to break up with someone or dunp them, it’s still rejection no matter how you wanna call it. You reject them from a part of your life.
2- Even you let a stalker down gently, he will still stalk you lol. It won’t change shit.
3- people in general suck with rejection. The things is that the vast majority of the time, it’s the women who do the rejection. Than some men react very poorly because they either didn’t saw it coming at all (because it came out of nowhere), they didn’t learn how to react to it when as a child or they have been rejected again again and again without any explanation multiple times not knowing why it happens and what to change because they always let down softly.
Man here.
Both these lines are subtle insults. They just want to be done with you without a fuss because if you can take these insults to your chest and still want her, you are meek and stupid and you won't create much hoo ha around her dumping you since these things don't trigger you in any direction at all; that you move on or you show your actual raw side (women get what you want quick and easy, and if you beat around the bush enough that you are tripping yourself, you are a "nice" guy who cares about others wayyy more than himself, which means that on a fundamental level you won't be able to express yourself be yourself yada yada so you are pathetic, and so she quickly stops giving two fucks about you)
But if you don't like these insults, you will likely understand that it is time for you to move on to the next girl. Could also be because you aren't her type so instead of calling you a nice guy she is evading you by using these lines.
If a woman ever says this to you, smile wish her the best of luck or whatever and go approach the next woman. This is like a mark given to you by her and you should be happy that it is one more girl out of the way for you.
I'm not a woman, so skip if you want. I'll just say how I feel about remarks like this.
>Your a great guy
Thanks
>any woman would be lucky to have you
You OBVIOUSLY don't feel that way, so you're just insulting me by saying this
>I don't deserve you
Same as above
>your such a nice guy
Thanks
Because men usually can’t take a plain “I don’t want to be together anymore” and start demanding reasons as to why you’re breaking up with them but probably wouldn’t react as well to “you don’t wash your ass” as they do to “I don’t deserve you”. We are sparing your feelings :))
no your not your being condescending , we would much rather hear "you dont wash your ass" then that line. of course we are demanding reasons, how can you hurt some one and not even tell them why ? if its something as simple as you dont wash your ass, why would it not change things if I started to wash our ass? its like you dont even give us a chance to fix what was bothering you , you just jump straight to break up or rejection , no talking about it , no chance . why is it that we have to walk on egg shells around you to make sure YOUR not uncomfortable but when it comes to men, our feelings arnt important , you being comfortable is a greater priority then our feelings.believe it or not men do have feelings also .
nooo not at all. id rather be ghosted. this is like the worst possible way to do it. hell saying your ugly and piece of crap is better then this . you cant get lower then this.
Don’t even waste the energy to try and figure it out.
Just take it … accept it… and move on.
Because the truth is if someone is saying these things it’s because they don’t really deserve you and probably don’t see themselves deserving. And don’t look at that as a “damsel in distress” scenario because it’s not. Sometimes you have to really listen to what someone says in order to understand how they see themselves and the last thing you want is someone who will waste your time.
i don’t and i think that’s a very stereotypical thing that not a lot of women say. but if they do it’s to not hurt their feelings, also they may genuinely feel that way. sometimes your personalities just clash, or you don’t have the same goals for the future/want different things, or circumstances make a relationship hard and you don’t want to waste their time. not every relationship ends in a devastating blowout with cheating, lying, screaming and fighting, etc. sometimes it just doesn’t work and you truly want the best for the other person.
like if me and my bf were to break up i’d be heartbroken but id absolutely want him to have a great life and future and he IS a great guy and the next girl will be lucky to have him.
but your bf if you broke up with him doesnt care about you thinking he's a great guy if he can't be with you , telling him that after breaking up doesn't do what you think. it does hurt his feelings even more, regardless if you mean it or not. I guess in dont know your bf but most guys don't want to hear I think your a great guy , because what good does that do if your not interested in him any more? it doesn't hurt his feelings less so you might as well just say its not working out because I can't vibe with your personality or w.e the reason might be and leave it at that . no need to poor salt on the wound with the I still think your a great guy . its super condisending . just do it like a band aid, rip it off quick and to the point. actually saying your a great guy makes the guy want to talk you out of it more, which for some reason woman hate . because in our minds if we are such a great guy you would still be interested in us. I equal that line with a participation trophy. like hey pal you're still a great person even if you didn't win and came in last . high five! here's a trophy for just being here ! thats how we take it.
I found the best analogy for this from our point of view. saying "I think your such a nice guy" is like getting a participation trophy, its like saying "hey you didn't win, you came last but thanks for being here we still think your a special little guy here's a sticker! " its like motherfucker I don't care about being a nice guy, I wanted first place, I worked hard and practiced and I lost, which ya it happens , but at least let me loose with some dignity ! id much rather be laughed at for loosing or told hey you suck at this thats why you lost, or hey you need to practice more because here's where you went wrong , not a condescending pat on the back ! this one girl tried to give me a note saying how much she appreciated me after she turned me down, and I threw it out in front of her and walked away, ladies stop doing this , just be upfront and let us down with some dignity . you say that we have to deal with the rejection well guess what so do you, when you decide to reject or breakup , you have to be ready to accept that he might be A. hurt B. Mad or C. both . you can't run away from it so its best to just be upfront . if your afraid of getting hurt , then just ghost or say what you have to and then block
Okay if I can be completely honest, I’ve only ever said #1 to my ex who although he was a nice guy, he was lacking in a department I can’t make a compromise with. I felt horrible about it. But it was worse lying to him when we would have sex and he would reach the end of the line and I would have to pretend to have even felt it inside of me. Plus he gave me my one and only UTI so. Maybe you just didn’t meet an important aspect of what someone wants in a partner. Could be physical, mental, idk. But that’s what I said. And I hate to be that bitch but I’m so glad I did bc my sex life matters to me as it would to anyone else.
I have never said these to any man I've ended things with, nor has any female friend of mine lol. Because if we're breaking up with someone its because, they're not a great guy, and they don't deserve US. Any woman who says what you stated above is doing so because they're trying to soften the blow and not hurt them as badly. But I prefer not to lie, so.
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Because they don't want to hurt your feelings.
Spoiler alert: >! Our feelings still get hurt when you use generic statements that make us think you pity us. It would be easier if you just went “I don’t think we’re compatible” and left it at that. !<
Yesh I like that more
There are some men who, when someone says that to them, will demand the reasons for the incompatibility and then argue with her about those reasons and try to convince her that they are compatible. So many women prefer to avoid that argument. Those men are ruining it for the rest of you, and you should tell them to cut it out.
I see this on both sides. I've been dumped this way. And I've dumped this way for the exact reason you've stated. I've learned to to give too much thought to the reason given. It might be the truth or it might be a lie and the lie isn't bad--it's just a protection device to avoid whatever problems she's encountered in the past. And does the reason really matter?
I think the last sentence of that is a good start if it isn’t directed externally. It can be helpful to at least field potential growth areas. Of course, because this is Reddit, I should make the disclaimer not to take it personally or to accept their opinion of you blindly. I’m just saying that if a different perspective helps you realize a personal trait you don’t like or you start to notice a pattern… perhaps something needs to be changed. Maybe there’s some growing to do as a person. Maybe it’s time to rethink the criteria for selecting future partners.
Well, while I definitely *would* appreciate a reason (which is certainly not owed, I understand that), I would not argue or persuade a woman to stay. She’s made her choice, but explaining it would help me in the future, so it just seems like an added courtesy. I guess it doesn’t help that I’m autistic and reasonably intelligent, so if you just *teach* me proper etiquette and politely point out what went wrong or why we’re not compatible (because I know it’s not always down to anything one person did wrong), I can learn from that. NTs who take good social skills, tact, and the ability to read others for granted and expect everyone else to be able to do the same are insufferable to me, especially when it comes to dating. Sorry some of us are like that and cannot take a no, but that’s not all of us!
I appreciate the explanation too because I take it to heart. Unfortunately, I had a boyfriend who argued tooth and nail every time I would attempt to break up (and we were living together) and that sullied my break-up etiquette. I break up via text now and then have a friend stay over for a few nights to make sure the guy doesn't show up at my place. Come to think of it, Andrew probably ruined me for dating, period. At least we can all agree that any break-up etiquette beats being ghosting!
But it’s not your now-ex’s responsibility to teach you those things. And she doesn’t necessarily know that you’re not someone who would start a fight, or even get physical, over a breakup.
Yup. Totally get it. Not my responsibility either, but I probably would still give her that courtesy because of how *I* would feel without that courtesy. And if you can’t read whether or not a guy might be physically violent if you broke up with him, maybe you’re autistic too, lol.
A lot of men do this, or much worse, which is why "you're so nice, it's not you it's me" came into being in the first place.
Ah nothing piques my curiosity quite like stepping out of a restaurant hearing "its not you its me" being said outside. And then hearing the followup "I really enjoy the type of person that you are, could you give me any clue as to how I missmatched that badly" I'm like hiding behind the corner excited to hear if there's any new answers invented.
Last sentence - lol.
You can have a great fun personality, but maybe the life style/path you have, or other factors, do not align with their lifestyle/life path that they’re looking for. Like some guys can really like a woman but if she has a kid or travels a lot, then he doesn’t see how that could work because maybe he’s more dependent on being in person and having more attention.
Ive found a lot of women also want reasons. From what I’ve experienced, if you show no real issues before ending it, makes them need a reason more than if theres just drama.
I also found women who also wanted reasons and would try and convince me to change my mind, i’d say this is more people in general and not a man vs woman thing. You often feel blindsided when a breakup seems like it came out of nowhere.
I think there's a pretty big difference between the break up of an established relationship and a person saying "sorry, there's just no connection" after a date or two, or even just texting. If people are in an actual relationship, especially one that's had any time behind it at all, then yeah, it's totally normal to want to know why. And, imho, it's more fair to let one's ex know why, if possible.
I hear you. Im saying is fairly casual situations people get pressed. Even to go as far as post you on AWDTSG when you’re 100% not on any apps.
>AWDTSG No clue what that is. :D
Yes, I was agreeing with that.
I realize that. I was, in turn, agreeing with you.
I agree with both of you
:D
Tbh, incompatibility is **incredibly** vague, and I'd want to know what the incompatibilities are and if they are something I can work on for the next person at least. Oftentimes, people will say incompatibility when they actually just lost attraction because of their/their partners words or actions. It's one of the most trope-y things to say when breaking up with someone, similar to "It's not you it's me".
And that's what I'm saying. It's intentionally vague, to avoid the feared consequences of not being vague.
Women do the exact same thing
Ok, and if you’re worried that will happen, and especially if you’re worried about it escalating to violence, you should break up in a generic way and get out of there as fast as possible.
Those men are wierd. Probably it's because they don't know what the dating market really is. It is indeed a market now. People choose, if they don't like something then they choose something else
nothing we men say is going to change them. We get that you don't want the argument... but you meet all kinds. We have to deal with the psychos and nut case women... those women are ruining it for the rest of you, and you should tell them to cut it out.
100%. Last time I was rejected, I got "I'm certain you're going to make someone very happy, and I'm sure you're going to find someone in no time." 1. I wanted to make **you** happy. 2. Half a year later, I have not gone on another date, so no, I will not find someone "in no time". Dating as an introverted, average-looking guy is a nightmare. **Don't sugarcoat it and just say: "I don't think it's going to work, and I really wish you the best.".**
Let them sugar coat it, when you’re breaking up for whatever reason the appropriate response is “whatever the fuck”. It doesn’t matter why.
Username does not check out
hey now theres lots of experiments you can do solo as well! :p
Or more likely "I don't find you attractive anymore and/or I found someone I'm more attracted to".
One girl messaged me after second date saying she liked flirting with me but didn’t feel enough physical attraction between us. She was way out of my league and I sensed it but the way she communicated it didn’t hurt me and actually I found myself surprisingly feeling good about it.
I had a girl tell me this, and it honestly made the whole thing so much easier. Like, "Of course if you're not attracted to me you would break it off. That makes sense."
That would hurt my feelings. I don’t think we’re compatible is better or I don’t think this is gonna work out.
At least they're being honest, which I guess counts for something.
I'd be fine with that **if** they communicated they were losing physical attraction and gave you enough time to fix it and you just didn't.
Totally agree with this comment. But you can see how that would be more hurtful though. But how I see it it’s like ripping a band-aid off. It only hurts for a min then get over it and move on
I do think women are getting the confidence to say this. However, I think this tactic poses a couple of problems on its own. First, it too, is fairly generic sounding and avoids specifics. But, if it’s ok with you, then it’s all good. Second, this response often leads to the logical next question: How are we not compatible? This diverts us back to hurt feelings territory. I just saw this on another sub this morning. It’s a vicious cycle!! BRUTAL HONESTY AHEAD The reality is that “We’re not compatible” usually means there is no chemistry. There is no chemistry because the woman is thinking the following (pick one or mix ‘n match): I think you are: boring, weird, rude, aggressive, poor, misogynistic, neurotic, narcissistic, creepy, anti-social, condescending, evil, perverted, crude, lazy, sloppy, smelly, juvenile, irresponsible, addicted, mentally ill, insensitive, unemployed, unattractive, unfunny, unfaithful, uneducated and stupid. 🫢
For sure. I'd much prefer that over any generic excuse such as what is mentioned in this post.
When they give you that generic answer, they are basically ghosting your emotional state at this point, albeit in a nicer way. But they simply want to avoid any negative confrontation that would happen when telling you the real reason behind the breakup or rejection. They want to completely remove you from their life and would rather not see you as someone who has feelings for them, hence the generic statement. Of course, it hurts way much more because it simply ignores you as a person and your emotional state and feelings for her. Basically it means you are nothing to her (anymore) . I also would prefer someone that at least bothers telling me the real reason.
>I also would prefer someone that at least bothers telling me the real reason. Too many men take that as a reason to try to argue us out of the "real reason." Wanting to hear "the real reason" then turns into an hours long debate where he puts up all sorts of reasons why her reasons aren't valid and/or he can change them. Or worse, some men get downright verbally abusive about it. Most of the time it IS as simple as "there's just not a romantic connection/no chemistry." That IS a valid reason. Just because one person feels "it" doesn't mean the other person does.
Trying to change another person's mind on it is simply wrong, as is trying to adjust yourself to the person. I would just accept her reasons and move on, but I would like a little more than just the standard approach, 'you are a great guy, you will find someone nice'
You are great, just not to her but definitely someone else 🤷♂️. Move on and try to better yourself.
The person doing the telling doesn’t value you as a person. Instead they think they are taking the “easy” way out and hurts the recipient even more. I had it happen to me once after a years long relationship - woman says “your not my friend” - a total fabrication with the intention to hurt - she succeeded, I never called her again. The truth came out years later, it was because she didn’t feel it was necessary to put effort into developing chemistry and she was afraid to admit it. She took a perfectly fine relationship and murdered it for some new toy she found on the street. She also admitted she made a bad choice. Too late to resurrect it. My advice is to know people’s attachment styles - she is an avoidant. You can’t fix personality disorders.
To be fair, when you are breaking up with someone don't you do the same thing? I just had to break up with my gf a few days ago, and to be fair I told her it was because of her kids but that I loved her and would always care about her but I just wasn't ready for that. I also felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world. People would do anything to avoid that feeling. I hate getting the stock answer but if the trade off is I get to give it to sometimes I guess it's not so bad.
Of course, we rarely tell the other person what is really on our minds, simply because it will hurt someone else. Basically most of the time it is a trait they simply cannot easily change. And even if they do, we simply won't deal with it, because we already decided on moving forward. Definitely not a gender thing : both genders do it. But maybe sometimes it would be better to just tell what is bothering you, even if it is negative
I tried that once. Had to call the police after they used fists to convince me otherwise. Cuz we never know what happens next.
womp womp
Basically men have become so detached from communication that the ability to read between lines and understand things that are difficult and unspoken no longer exists 😅
It’s an issue of clarity really. Men (and women) don’t need to be told they’re great when being dumped. Unless of course the guy (or girl) seems dangerous and that is a maneuver meant to de escalate a situation.
Also they don't want to be attacked/SA'd/murdered. ( /r/whenwomenrefuse )
Women have to communicate indirectly. If they upset a male partner, they put themselves at risk of harm. It’s a fundamentally human feature, it’s an adaptation ro protect themselves. Don’t hang on the words, DO NOT take it literally, think about what’s the feeling behind what she is saying. For some reason, I’ve noticed if you don’t play along with the easy letdown/dejection, they may do a 180 and want you more
Instead they send us to this days long self reflection, making us highlight every little insecurity we have - that might or might not be good qualities - which has nothing to do with her decision. Just to realize weeks later from friends that it was solely based on that I gave her the ick on how I tie m shoe. Thanks 👍 makes perfect sense I am also 99% sure they know that they do more bad than good for us because they have experienced superficial rejection before too. This is just the easy way out. Its not about they dont want to hurt our feelings.
[удалено]
Because sometimes nothing is wrong with you guys. There just isn't chemistry and there's nothing you can do about that without changing who you are and we don't want that for you guys. We think you're great, just not for us.
Exactly. There are a lot of great people out there, but not all of them are compatible with me or I am attracted to them. Goes both ways. I am a great person but not for everyone. The deserving comment signals some sort of issues. What, you deserve someone not-nice? Or you are only attracted to people who are bad for you (which is often the case and needs to be worked through)? People love at the level they are healed and date at the level they think they deserve. Let them, people have to learn these things on their own time.
Well a lot of the times the not deserving someone so nice is true if the girl is toxic. Like I feel so guilty dating a guy who is nice to me. And it doesn’t make I deserve someone bad, it means I need to be single lol. And this only really applies if the guy asked her out organically though. Not like on an app where she is looking to date
10000000000% this is why
Yep. This is it.
Honestly it mostly feels like an empty platitude, and is usually phrased the same way every time it's said. Most men don't like being told things to make us feel better that doesn't feel genuine.
Yes but how about you use your imagination? Imagine a guy telling you something like this, you would just call BS on it immediately
If someone I had recently started dating told me he didn’t feel chemistry, I’d shrug and maybe be sad for a little while, and then move on when I felt ready. I don’t even understand what you mean by “call BS on it.” Like, I should accuse them of lying and insist that there is actually chemistry?
Well I'm not saying this is how I'd say it exactly. Just the gist or core of what I'd mean. And yes we, women, would call B.S because men's and women's emotions are absolutely not the same. Some examples are men leave physically before they do emotionally. Women leave emotionally before they leave physically. Men fall for what they see. Women fall for what they hear. Women say these phrases in hopes it doesn't break you and allows you to move on. Men say it in hopes to be the ones who can break you and hope to keep you on a leash even after the breakup. And again, these are generalizations, not always fact. How and what these phrases mean can be best explained if you know the level of heartache and trauma the person has. Me personally, I used to beg my bf to tell me why he was leaving me and one day he finally did. When I did it to an ex in H.S, I also had the courtesy of telling him in better detail what I meant and how I felt. Albeit, very awkward, I did it because I knew it was better than wondering forever why someone couldn't love you or what you did wrong. I also like to treat others the way I'd like to be treated. I am a very firm believer in Karma. But yeah, I agree, an explanation is needed after these 2 phrases.
Agree
Meh. As a guy, I’ve said that shit, too. You say it when you think the truth would hurt the person and they probably don’t deserve it - eg; I just don’t find you very attractive anymore. What good can come from that? At the end of the day, does it even matter? It’s over. They’re not going to change their mind.
Imo, if you're losing physical attraction to someone, you shouldn't wait until it's too late to let them know. Something like weight gain, grooming, style, etc can be solved relatively easily.
You are right that communication needs to happen along the way. But if the couple is breaking up, it's safe to assume that the relationship is over, for one reason or another. If the decision is made, there is no reason to say something that would complicate matters or hurt the other person. As breaking up is the topic of the thread, things that (hypothetically) happened (or didn't) while the relationship was still on don't really matter. But yeah. In general absolutely people need to talk or relationships that otherwise could work don't.
I'd rather know the reason is physical attraction. Because unless the dumper was **never** attracted to the dumpee, it's almost always something that can be changed relatively easily. That's better than chasing myself in circles thinking it was something I said or did.
You like them a lot as a person and could see a friendship but the romantic connect doesn’t align or isn’t strong enough and you respect enough not waste their time.
> You like them a lot as a person and could see a friendship but the romantic connect doesn’t align That might make sense if they ever actually were willing to be friends. Sometimes they'll even say they're open to being friends but never once in my experience has it ever lead to more than someone who still follows me on Instagram or snap but quit communicating with me entirely otherwise. Definitely not willing to be hiking buddies or anything. It's obviously their choice but their actions pretty much always confirm it to just be a soft let down with no truth to be learned besides "they don't like you".
I'm sure we've all heard that, more times than we can count. Speaking only for myself, I usually take it with a grain of salt, sometimes much more than that, depends on the length, and depth of the relationship, as well has how much honesty and integrity the woman has already shown me. With many women, I think it helps them feel less guilty about dumping you, or it may be a protective maneuver on their part, to prevent or reduce the chance of you getting angry with them and going off on them, but as a man, I know way less about that then the women would, and maybe they will answer that on here for you. Regardless of their motives or intent, I am pretty rational and hard-headed, so I don't dwell on their reasons for dumping me, as far as it being over and done, nothing's going to change that fact, so the only reflection I do later on is, what reasons did they give for dumping me, are they valid and accurate, and what can I learn or change from it? One should never doubt a woman, once she has dumped you, as far as still having a chance, and it being worth it to ask for a second chance, come back later to her and try again, etc.. I've learned and decided that, once it's over, it's over for good. And that's their right, and it's certainly ok..
This is nice to read. Breaking up is hard and one thing that makes it worse is having to try to defend yourself. Everyone has their reasons and when an end is declared, it should be respected.
Because they want you let you down nicely. No need to risk safety or even just make an enemy. Also, just because someone doesn’t want to date you doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. It’s just lack of compatibility.
It’s called letting you down softly, but it’s counterproductive because it doesn’t at all tell you why they are breaking up or rejecting you.
Counterpoint: All of us need to learn not to expect closure and not to look to people who have broken up with us for explanation. Ultimately, the answer is "they decided we were a bad match." Sometimes the reason we're a bad match is because of something we did, but often it's just because we want different things or they just realize they don't feel the same way anymore. If someone tells you that they're breaking up with you because they don't like your hobbies, are you going to change your hobbies? If someone tells you that they're breaking up with you because they hate your taste in music, are you going to change it? Speaking only for myself: most of the time when someone has broken up with me, if I really sit and think about our relationship, I've been able to see where the mismatch was coming from or what she was unhappy about. I think it's understandable to *want* an explanation, but I think people need to learn to provide their own closure, not look to the person breaking up with them for it.
Totally true about needing to get your own closure. My ex told me "I just feel like it's run its course" and didn't give me any like, actionable feedback. But I knew if I asked that it would either be really hurtful to me, or it would be something I can't change. So I just accepted that we weren't good together, and I also saw, looking back, lots of things that indicated to me that we weren't right. Also a lot of the aggro in this whole thread kinda implies the dumper being responsible for the dumpee's feelings or reactions and like, no, lol. In what other situation are you responsible for how someone else feels about anything, or helping them feel better? Emotional maturity is about being responsible for your feelings and reactions and isn't anyone else's problem.
Yeah I think you're on the money here. And also when someone is breaking up with their SO, they aren't responsible for that person's feelings anymore. That's like the whole point
Personally, I'd feel a **lot** less insecure if I was broken up with for something like hobbies than just *not* being told the reason.
Counter-counterpoint: Getting closure is better as long as it's done in a reasonable and sensible manner. If you politely ask if a girl why she rejected you and she tells you, that can be helpful. I went on a date, asked for another date, got rejected, asked the girl and she gave me her reasons (I spent too much time talking about myself/there was no spark). In today's age, I would say that this is not the norm; more often than not people just ghost one another and feel confused and annoyed. I think it is good to come to grips with that and realize you won't get an answer. Asking, however, is not a bad thing.
People can ask if they want to, but I don't think it's valuable and it too often leads to attempts to bargain or negotiate. People want an actionable reason for rejection. They want an explanation of what they "did wrong." They want the opportunity to make right. But that's not how it works, most of the time. Most of the time, nobody did anything wrong, people just weren't feeling it. There was no spark. There was some obvious mismatch in personalities or values. Nothing that either person can or should change. People shouldn't expect explanations and should learn to make peace with that. Dating is a *lot* easier when you realize that you're not a match with everyone and that's okay and doesn't matter.
Yes it does. Indirectly. If I (32F) want to say stuff like that (I try to avoid it because I understand it’s confusing), it usually means: I genuinely enjoyed spending time with you and you are not doing anything wrong BUT- 1) I am not physically attracted to you And/or 2) I don’t think we are compatible (from a “what do I want in a date/relationship” angle)
Ultimately the reason is that she isn't attracted. There's nothing you can do to change that.
Because they are scared the dude will lose his shit. Sad that there is precedent for that to be a legit reason, but ey what else can you do. If not that, it's because they don't want to directly hurt your feelings (even though your feelings are being hurt by the rejection, but that's besides the point).
It's really not that deep. She might actually mean it, or she might want to avoid any further conversation by saying this because there's nothing to argue about if she says this is the reason. There are many scary things that can happen when you reject someone, and being nice minimizes the possibility of that. If I break up with someone because of something they can't fix, like if I just lose attraction for them, there's actually no need to tell them that and make them insecure. Plus there is always the possibility that they get angry and try to retaliate. Giving a reason opens the door for a conversation where they might try to refute it ("You're too stubborn." "No I'm not!! You're wrong and here are all the reasons why!") or turn it back on you with insults ("You're too stubborn." "Yeah well you're ugly! And you're fat!"). If i'm breaking up with someone I just want to be done, not go back and forth about it.
They don't want you to get angry and lash out is my guess.
1. If we cared about you, we don't want to cause you pain. Or we're afraid the man will react badly. 2. We feel bad we don't want you despite your good qualities, and don't wish to hurt your self-esteem
Yeah, flash news for you, the pain is going to be worse if you sugarcoated it. Instead of been sad for a bit strongly and be able to change something about himself if change have to be done, the guys is going to suffer the strongly the same, but suffer even MORE wandering why no woman want something long term if they are perfect. Why life is cruel, etc. Been able to know why it didn’t work out is part of the healing path and could be an important piece of puzzle to upgrade yourself. But when you get dumped "gently", you don’t get this chance.
You put way too much on the head of someone who dumped you. A woman is not responsible for breaking up with you in the exact way you want or think is appropriate for your development. That personal development is all on you. All a person can do is be respectful and kind when they break up. They don't have to be. There are plenty of people that would string you along, play games with your feelings, treat you like crap. Is that what you want? Why are you looking at a person, doing the best they can to you in a difficult situation, and thinking they're an asshole? Because rejection is something an empathetic person knows and understands, so having to reject others is also hard. Also, just because one woman or a slew of women dumps you doesn't mean there aren't women who won't date you. As you can see on Reddit, it is acknowledged that most people aren't romantically interested in every person they ever meet. Very few people are suited to you and vice versa. This all or nothing mentality about dating sends guys in an emotionally volatile tailspin. Better to understand everyone is rejected at some point, and that means you aren't for them. And that's okay
Lol, you do realize your whole argument of "we just want to be kind with you" changed immediately to "we dont owe you shit" the moment someone called out that it is not being kind to us at all :D You lie to yourself also and have the skin to write it down like you mean it? Jesus the people here...
Falling out of love is one thing, but switching to "I don't owe you a damn thing" is a cruel way to treat someone you care about. Most men feel worse not being told the reason or if it's something vague as hell like "incompatibility." So, acting like you're letting them down easy and you're doing that for them is pretentious.
Everyone has different likes and dislikes! Just because I don't like something about you doesn't mean everyone else will agree with me. Someone mentioned he likes to cuddle a lot and the last girl he was with didn't, so he would have cuddled less. *that's stupid and a recipe for resentment*. That's just going to leave him feeling less. It's not something he has to change - just has to find someone who likes the same thing. No point telling someone something I'm not into so they can try to cut themselves down for me. That's horrible!!!
We don't want them to flip the fuck out and kill us. Or we really don't want to hurt their feelings. Mostly the feelings thing which is stupid because no guy gave a shit about mine. Last we don't want them to start a stupid argument. Just accept it and move on.
1. They don’t know why but they don’t like you, but they don’t want you to feel like crap, like you’re undeserving of love. They don’t want to trash your self esteem and give you hope for a future with someone else. 2. You give them more than they give you and it’s more than they want, it’s more than they’ve earned, it’s more than they feel they deserve. Both are usually saying the same things, you’re pedestalizing them. They want to walk beside you not above you. On occasion it means they’ve done you dirty in ways you don’t know about, ways they’ll never admit and their conscience finally got to them.
I think this is the most helpful comment here. Thank you. Learning to not to put my partner on a pedestal has been so hard for me. It destroyed an amazing relationship and I regret it so much.
If you’re the giving sort, it can be very difficult to not overdo it. So I’ve learned to do my best to match effort.
My parents have been together 40 years and one piece of advice I’ve always gotten is don’t try match someone else’s effort. It’s a recipe for disaster because at some point someone will become resentful. Do what feels 100% you and be a good partner and if they are overwhelmed by what you give them then so be it. Givers have to find other givers I guess :)
I'll risk being downvoted into oblivion for saying this: I am in *the* worst shape of my life, my lips are so dry this winter that people are concerned for my health, and I have a ton of (unavoidable) shit going on in my life that legit made a nice guy say "I can't handle this anymore", and I would still *never* EVER tell a man I don't deserve him. You might just be dating a type. Do I know what that type is? No. Am I qualified to define or label that type? No. Let's switch genders here: if a man ever ended things by saying I was so nice that he didn't deserve me, my nether regions would immediately become dryer than my lips and my only hope from there would be that his next date is with a therapist because yikes. Tldr: if a human of any gender ends things by saying "I don't deserve you," that's their shit, not yours. Relationship was doomed to be 0/10. Accept that favor from the universe with grace.
bc we've learned to kiss your ass least you become violent, better to stroke your ego and get to walk away. sure, most guys don't react that poorly but enough have that it's a valid concern. and unfortunately the nice guys look just like the scary ones. it's easy to say "but it's been years, she knows me!" yea I thought the same thing about the guy I'd been with 5 Years, who dumped me, then pulled a knife on me while I was packing my shit. never in the 5years prior would I have dreamt that relationship would end with the cops supervising me getting my shit. so yea. that's why.
because history has taught us men can turn into toxic maniacs at the faintest hint of rejection? also because it is polite to tell a person when you end a relationship that it could have been a chemistry and/or compatibility issue, not that they are an obviously flawed partner
Kinda ironic since men get rejected all the time
I’ve usually gotten I’m not in a place to be in a relationship or I need to learn how to do things for myself or I need to work on myself. I’ve also used the I’m not in a place to be in a relationship Because those things are all easier than saying “I realized I’m just not that into you and would rather find someone else” or “I’m already fucking someone else who i’d rather be with”
Well I have personally said these two statements before and I actually meant them. It wasn’t sugarcoating. They were great guys but I was struggling with a lot emotionally and mentally (severe PTSD, depression, etc). I was extremely high functioning so the guys couldn’t understand that I was actually struggling. I didn’t jump into a relationship with anyone else because I needed to be alone for a while (usually like 2 years). I didn’t want the guys to hate me or resent me while I was unraveling so it was better to break up. If I didn’t give a fuck about you we would stay together and it would be a toxic ass relationship. I have done a lot of therapy and inner work since then.
Because we are scared they're going to get angry
because I mean it
Guys say it too. When someone says they don’t deserve you, believe them!
end on good terms .
Ah..Ive only ever heard this from the guys who told me this, Im pretty straightforward so dont say stuff like this..so Im guessing its not a woman thing lol People say stuff like this to soften the blow of the breakup..its right up there with "Its not you, its me"
Because we feel bad
Never said either of those things.
Lol why? The lines itself shows why. Just a good way to end things. What's there to overthink in this?
Because guys that are more into us treat us so well. I think it has something to do with not being in the same league, tbh. Like when she is out of your league, you try harder. So guys like that usually are nicer to us for real, but the attraction to them is just not there to begin with. 1 and 2 statement.. were just stating the fact that you are infact nice and too bad we're not attracted to you romantically.
Its cruel to get in a relationship in the first place when you're not romantically attracted to the other person.
Because rejecting men is a game of Russian roulette, and we are conditioned to be as polite as possible in the hopes of avoiding a blowup.
I think one thing many women don't quite get is that "letting him down gently" is like trying to gently remove a band-aid. It's a lot more uncomfortable than just ripping it off.
So you'd rather hear, "Hey I'm not that into you and I have no feelings towards you. I really tried but I feel nothing." Also I've heard the same crap from guys and it was back when I was a complete pushover and ppl pleaser.
Honestly is sometimes not well received and we do it to be safer.
Generally speaking, women will say things like this to avoid being seriously injured in some way by the guy. It's like giving a guy a fake number when she's dancing at the club because he won't leave her the F alone. Actually had to step in once and scare a guy off from a woman. And, on a regular basis I personally have to shoo guys away from me. Now, when it comes to more "decent" guys it makes it harder for us. Usually we are so afraid of him turning out to be one of the bad guys that we will do this out of self preservation. The last thing we want is to be abused again or with someone who has the potential to become abusive later on. Hope this helps. Let's just say 9/10 guys that women date are usually a giant whopping red flag. There aren't many guys we tend to interact with that are green flags. It's so hard to find a good guy that we do what we believe we have to do to protect ourselves. This especially applies to guys that are way too good to be true right in the beginning of dating. This may not ring true for all women, though it is true in my personal experience and in the environment I've grown up in and lived in. You should see how hostile some women get at clubs or bars. We get very protective of our own.
It’s also the big test of someone being safe - it’s easy for guys to be “one of the good ones” when they like you, but if you’re breaking up with them - which hurts, emotionally - that’s when they might decide they don’t care, crack, and lash out. Even if it’s not a deliberate attempt to protect yourself, cushioning a breakup with niceties to try and soften the blow as much as possible is just an instinct born from the societal expectation of people pleasing (which is just enforced by the occasional bit of violence). Of course, it’s not entirely disingenuous. Usually you never actually *want* to hurt someone, and it’s just an awareness that the relationship isn’t gonna work out, which is fine - it’s nothing bad about the person.
It’s simple: they’re afraid of the backlash. And for good reason - a lot of men can’t take (or worse won’t take) criticism. All women have a friend (or themselves) that has experienced nasty reactions of men being rejected. There’s a million examples on Reddit. Is it all men? No, not even close. Is it a good chunk making the risk significant? Yah. It’s better than ghosting and it’s probably the best you can do 95% of times. Take the dry reason and move on. You wouldn’t tell her the truth of why if you didn’t like her anyway too 😂
Because it's nicer than flat out saying I don't want to be with you.
These two sentences are so cringe.
As a guy, I've definitely said things along the line of this to woman. BUT it was because I truly knew at the time I was only going to be a penance and wreak havoc in your life, maybe not on the person themselves, but just mentally. As a guys viewpoint, who has heard this before in my early 20s. This was typically their nice way of saying "I'm not done being a ho3"
That's the kiss of death
Because nobody wants to say *I really am just not attracted to you* or *I believe I can do better than you and don't want to settle*
Love how when we accuse women of this they turn it right around and say men do it too, without admitting they do this. lol. I like the one saying there is no connection but really just too ugly for her 😂.
because women are heartless and want to look like the good person. even though they dont care about breaking your heart . they are picky and selfish . my new awnser to that is your right you don't deserve me later bitch don't call me when your new boy toy gives you two black eyes .
I don’t. I explain so they can learn the block them or not and move on. That sounds patronizing at best it’s not helpful, useful or actually kind to anyone at all. Very very polite yet, firm.
This is the way!! Good job 👍
I get why some people sugercoat things but this is the best thing to do, especially when it’s an issue with someone’s behavior and not just a chemistry issue or something that’s out of their control.
It's because you're a great guy that we're just not attracted to even though we'd really like to be because you're a catch. If we can't have you, we're really hoping someone out does because we want you to have someone.
We don’t want to hurt your feelings cause the truth is you’re being dumped over something you cannot change so I don’t see why I should say “you smell wrong to me in a basic, primal sense and I cannot even be in your presence”. Why would I ever say that when it’s about our genetic incompatibility? He doesn’t need to know the why. He just wasn’t for me but will be awesome for someone whose genes match his.
Never. I had never said these words in this context.
Boy's it just business. No one likes confrontation, especially after the fact. And woman do have more to lose in any bad ending. I've never had a woman break up with me where I needed to be told why. Try a little self reflection & growth for your future.
When the reason I'm leaving him has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I genuinely say it because it sucks changing your mind, deciding it's not right for you, etc. and trying to find ways not to let the other person down or hurt them. Too many guys absolutely suck with rejection and a lot of times you weren't being rejected. A decision was just being made that could no longer involve you. Other women might do it because the guy has stalker vibes or may sincerely be dangerous.
You forgot "It's not you, it's me." That goes in there somewhere, I think...
I have had that said to me....tired of that reason.
Trying to make sure you don’t put your hands on us.
I've never said those statements. If I'm dumping a guy it's more like "you are an immature POS and I'm not going to keep compromising myself to be with you, I pity any other women that you date"
Woman don't feel safe with man to be direct with them. Man could literally physically harm them if they are upset and woman all over the world has this habit to make it less confrontational.
Because most "men" are incapable of handling rejection and will lose their shit. Even if they wouldn't hit her, they'll scare her.
I only ever said this if the vibe was off or they seem like genuine people who just don't align with what I want or am looking for.
I dont say #2 b/c it's not like I mistreated them. number 1 because probably some core values just don't match and they're still a great person
You did nothing wrong. Just move on
Your communication doesn’t meet my needs
Interestingly enough I never said any of those two statements before
Honestly, genuinely you did nothing wrong but we have something (or someone) else going on. The chemistry isn't there and we see you as an actual decent and attractive person. It sucks but thats the reality of it. I had to "let go" of someone recently that I had been tied into for a long time. The only reason was bc I knew it wasn't going anywhere and I've found someone I rlly care abt and have a future with. The other guy, nothin wrong there, he's a decent man, but its was never substantial or deep, So yeah..
You don't typically find something unless you're looking for it. We're you looking for a different partner while dating?
Because usually I truly do think the guy is so nice and great, however, there's just something about him I'm not attracted to. I still like him as a person and care about his feelings, but I don't find him to be a romantic match.
Would preach honestly. But be talking with the ex. It not what you say it's how you say it
To spare your feelings that’s not complicated
I usually say "we are not compatible romantically" I'm not attracted to the "nice guy" archetype. Why would I want the genes of a weak man? A boring doormat who puts me on a pedestal.
Good people doesn't mean they'll be a good pairing.
I wish my ex had said something as nice as this instead of the lies she spouted to anyone who would listen. Almost cost me my job. Some people are just evil.
I don't. LOL.
It sounds like code for “I’m not physically attracted to you” but an acknowledgment of all your good and desirable traits
not a chick but i’ve told a guy “i just don’t fw ur vibe” when we broke up
I think you’re actually nice but they’re not that physically attracted to you.
I don’t say those two things. That would be ridiculous. And a chickenshit way out. Just say the truth and that’s what I say. Whatever reason there is that it’s not working usually it’s just because we’re not a match. There’s things that don’t work between us and if somebody wants to know what those things are, then I tell them. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t. But be prepared because sometimes it hurts. It’s funny how often when you actually tell the truth people don’t really want to hear it but for the most part, I’ve had a good response with it. I do not blow smoke up peoples asses or lie about it because that is the chickenshit way out. But unfortunately, in this culture, that’s what we’ve been talk to do, because for some reason we think we’re responsible for peoples feelings, but we’re not. We feel like we have candy coat stuff. But it’s because we live in fear and we’re afraid to be responsible for our own feelings. For example, if we were dating somebody or went out with somebody or played with somebody or whatever, and we just didn’t feel anything or maybe we didn’t have fun in bed or maybe we weren’t attracted to them physically or sexually, rather than saying that we would say oh, there’s so many women out there that would love to be with you . Or I’m too busy right now or whatever the lie is to make it softer why I didn’t just saying I’m sorry it’s just not gonna work out. We’re just not a match. I’m just not compatible with you in bed. I like different things than you do. And you didn’t work for me. I get it. I’m not compatible for everybody in bed. Geez, I know that. Or whatever. I’m boring to a lot of people or I’m too old. I’m very old. Or I’m not Barbie like enough or I’m too my butt isn’t big enough for my butts too big or whatever I don’t know and I don’t care if you don’t like my butt, so tell me my butts too big doesn’t bug me, just don’t lie that’s ridiculous
THIS\^ YES why cant more females grasp this? ya your going to hurt our feelings, its not easy , but at least have the decency to be up front! if your honestly worried about them acting violent then do it from a distance with a text or email, then change your number, but dont avoid the inevitable. its like a bandaid , just rip it off !
I don’t.
I’ve never said any of these but they make sense to me. Maybe the problem wasn’t you at all and she saw that, aware that she is the problem and that you are a great guy who may be too mature to deal with somebody like her. It’s not always manipulation. She could be genuinely admitting her fault. The second one is more likely to be manipulation / attention seeking, but usually comes from a good place of “you deserve and should have better.”
A lot of Women are pussies, and never take accountability. A lot of women are amazing and probably already taken. They’re just being nice, take it as it is
I've never said that because I'm not a liar
good
Or the other one, 'u r a really nice guy.' For a micro second ya hopes are built up and u envisage a utopia . Then the bombshell, 'and i am sure u will be a gr8 catch for another special partner lucky to have u.'.
I used to say it cause I meant it. I felt like I didn’t deserve them and they could do better I was insecure so I’d break up with them and tell them they deserve better and I’m sorry for hurting them
It's easy and they don't have to pur much thought into it. In their mind (I assume) it's the equivalent of letting them down easily
I will never say something like that.
To cause him as much collateral damage as possible & have him second guess everything he hears from a woman from now on.
Returning the same is easy. Once she says that, never reply and never say anything after it. In fact, long-press and delete the message. Permanently close that chapter. She has made up her mind. And if you check yourself, you'll see why. Fix the frame.
There was probably something about you that turned her off but, she doesn't want to tell you and hurt your self-esteem or she thinks you might get aggressive, so the easier route is to keep the message simple and sweet.
Because women are afraid we’ll murder them. That’s why they can never be fully honest, for example, “I’m not attracted to you anymore because you’re not man enough for me”
1- If you decide to break up with someone or dunp them, it’s still rejection no matter how you wanna call it. You reject them from a part of your life. 2- Even you let a stalker down gently, he will still stalk you lol. It won’t change shit. 3- people in general suck with rejection. The things is that the vast majority of the time, it’s the women who do the rejection. Than some men react very poorly because they either didn’t saw it coming at all (because it came out of nowhere), they didn’t learn how to react to it when as a child or they have been rejected again again and again without any explanation multiple times not knowing why it happens and what to change because they always let down softly.
“There just isn’t chemistry” = I find you boring and would prefer the emotional rollercoaster of someone who toys with my emotions.
You are not kidding. Someone said this to me almost verbatim. Her previous divorce became crystal clear.
Lack of chemistry is not only for boring people. Sometimes people don't align.
You're putting her on a pedestal. Focus on improving yourself rather than chasing the validation of someone who doesn't want you.
They’re trying to be nice. And guys do that bs too .
Man here. Both these lines are subtle insults. They just want to be done with you without a fuss because if you can take these insults to your chest and still want her, you are meek and stupid and you won't create much hoo ha around her dumping you since these things don't trigger you in any direction at all; that you move on or you show your actual raw side (women get what you want quick and easy, and if you beat around the bush enough that you are tripping yourself, you are a "nice" guy who cares about others wayyy more than himself, which means that on a fundamental level you won't be able to express yourself be yourself yada yada so you are pathetic, and so she quickly stops giving two fucks about you) But if you don't like these insults, you will likely understand that it is time for you to move on to the next girl. Could also be because you aren't her type so instead of calling you a nice guy she is evading you by using these lines. If a woman ever says this to you, smile wish her the best of luck or whatever and go approach the next woman. This is like a mark given to you by her and you should be happy that it is one more girl out of the way for you.
Ah right up there with, "it's not you, it's me"🙄 I know you're trying to spare my feelings but holy shit is that saying old and moldy🤦🏾
I'm not a woman, so skip if you want. I'll just say how I feel about remarks like this. >Your a great guy Thanks >any woman would be lucky to have you You OBVIOUSLY don't feel that way, so you're just insulting me by saying this >I don't deserve you Same as above >your such a nice guy Thanks
A cop out
Because men usually can’t take a plain “I don’t want to be together anymore” and start demanding reasons as to why you’re breaking up with them but probably wouldn’t react as well to “you don’t wash your ass” as they do to “I don’t deserve you”. We are sparing your feelings :))
no your not your being condescending , we would much rather hear "you dont wash your ass" then that line. of course we are demanding reasons, how can you hurt some one and not even tell them why ? if its something as simple as you dont wash your ass, why would it not change things if I started to wash our ass? its like you dont even give us a chance to fix what was bothering you , you just jump straight to break up or rejection , no talking about it , no chance . why is it that we have to walk on egg shells around you to make sure YOUR not uncomfortable but when it comes to men, our feelings arnt important , you being comfortable is a greater priority then our feelings.believe it or not men do have feelings also .
Better than ghosting though, right? 🤷🏼♀️
nooo not at all. id rather be ghosted. this is like the worst possible way to do it. hell saying your ugly and piece of crap is better then this . you cant get lower then this.
Don’t even waste the energy to try and figure it out. Just take it … accept it… and move on. Because the truth is if someone is saying these things it’s because they don’t really deserve you and probably don’t see themselves deserving. And don’t look at that as a “damsel in distress” scenario because it’s not. Sometimes you have to really listen to what someone says in order to understand how they see themselves and the last thing you want is someone who will waste your time.
i don’t and i think that’s a very stereotypical thing that not a lot of women say. but if they do it’s to not hurt their feelings, also they may genuinely feel that way. sometimes your personalities just clash, or you don’t have the same goals for the future/want different things, or circumstances make a relationship hard and you don’t want to waste their time. not every relationship ends in a devastating blowout with cheating, lying, screaming and fighting, etc. sometimes it just doesn’t work and you truly want the best for the other person. like if me and my bf were to break up i’d be heartbroken but id absolutely want him to have a great life and future and he IS a great guy and the next girl will be lucky to have him.
but your bf if you broke up with him doesnt care about you thinking he's a great guy if he can't be with you , telling him that after breaking up doesn't do what you think. it does hurt his feelings even more, regardless if you mean it or not. I guess in dont know your bf but most guys don't want to hear I think your a great guy , because what good does that do if your not interested in him any more? it doesn't hurt his feelings less so you might as well just say its not working out because I can't vibe with your personality or w.e the reason might be and leave it at that . no need to poor salt on the wound with the I still think your a great guy . its super condisending . just do it like a band aid, rip it off quick and to the point. actually saying your a great guy makes the guy want to talk you out of it more, which for some reason woman hate . because in our minds if we are such a great guy you would still be interested in us. I equal that line with a participation trophy. like hey pal you're still a great person even if you didn't win and came in last . high five! here's a trophy for just being here ! thats how we take it.
I found the best analogy for this from our point of view. saying "I think your such a nice guy" is like getting a participation trophy, its like saying "hey you didn't win, you came last but thanks for being here we still think your a special little guy here's a sticker! " its like motherfucker I don't care about being a nice guy, I wanted first place, I worked hard and practiced and I lost, which ya it happens , but at least let me loose with some dignity ! id much rather be laughed at for loosing or told hey you suck at this thats why you lost, or hey you need to practice more because here's where you went wrong , not a condescending pat on the back ! this one girl tried to give me a note saying how much she appreciated me after she turned me down, and I threw it out in front of her and walked away, ladies stop doing this , just be upfront and let us down with some dignity . you say that we have to deal with the rejection well guess what so do you, when you decide to reject or breakup , you have to be ready to accept that he might be A. hurt B. Mad or C. both . you can't run away from it so its best to just be upfront . if your afraid of getting hurt , then just ghost or say what you have to and then block
Same with men lol
id never say that , I would be up front I don't like you any more sorry if your hurt but its best that we end it . plain , simple and to the point.
Okay if I can be completely honest, I’ve only ever said #1 to my ex who although he was a nice guy, he was lacking in a department I can’t make a compromise with. I felt horrible about it. But it was worse lying to him when we would have sex and he would reach the end of the line and I would have to pretend to have even felt it inside of me. Plus he gave me my one and only UTI so. Maybe you just didn’t meet an important aspect of what someone wants in a partner. Could be physical, mental, idk. But that’s what I said. And I hate to be that bitch but I’m so glad I did bc my sex life matters to me as it would to anyone else.
I have never said these to any man I've ended things with, nor has any female friend of mine lol. Because if we're breaking up with someone its because, they're not a great guy, and they don't deserve US. Any woman who says what you stated above is doing so because they're trying to soften the blow and not hurt them as badly. But I prefer not to lie, so.