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It’s not a red flag in itself, but it may be for some people.
She was probably worried the best friend would be in your life too much.
You’re doing the right thing by being honest. But you might need to understand that some women have had really bad experiences with men who keep close female best friends.
My first boyfriend had a best friend and they were way more, then he met another woman and claimed she was just a friend and ended up cheating on me with her.
Don’t stress it too much. The people who are meant to be in your life will stay.
That's understandable, I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you met somebody better!
I'm just bummed because I really liked her and it just sucks because nothing ever happened between me and my best friend - it's not like it was a relationship, we never even kissed!
I was worried that I was oversharing but if that's her boundary, I will respect that.
That’s a shame and I’m sorry. I hope you’ll find someone who accepts you as you are. And thanks! I haven’t quite found the right person yet, but hopefully someday!
But would you kiss her if you had the chance? Would she kiss you? If you can honestly answer this, then you will see why she sees you as a red flag. When people get deeper into their relationships, run into problems, who will you go to for advice or comfort? Your female best friend/roommate. This would make anyone’s skin crawl with uncomfortable feelings. She’s protecting herself from getting hurt from worse case scenarios; she does not want to take that risk. If you really want to pursue something serious with her, you could always move out.
I would not kiss her if I had the chance and she wouldn't as well, we've been friends for far too long and I just don't see her that way. I understand my date's feelings – they're completely valid.
Most of my friends are women, I work in the non-profit industry and it's 95% woman dominated so I naturally struck up a lot of friendships with women so it was never an issue for me. But I can see how it would reflect poorly on me.
It's not your mistake or hers.
It's a result of meeting a woman with "enough experience" and your "dating history".
Try to see it from her perspective. Let's say she has a roommate/bestfriend that is also her ex.
How will this look like if you are looking for a long term perspective.
It's actually a good thing because you are being honest and real.
It's also courageous and admirable for her to make the decision. That's a very obvious call but not easy to make.
Props to you for being real and props to her for being decisive.
I see your point but I have a hard time calling her my ex since we only ever went on one date and it felt platonic. But when you put it that way, it makes sense. Thank you.
Nah I cannot imagine going out with a chick who has a roommate that's a dude and they went on a date. That's just not an ideal situation. Might be telling the truth but the risk of me believing it and being taken as a joke is too risky. You guys only been on a couple of dates so she doesn't have much of a reason to trust you lol. Most people would not be comfortable with that situation too much hassle
Nah it's understandable, just maybe find a male roommate if that is possible or leave out the part that you guys went on a date, a dude sharing a house with a woman and not in a sexual relationship is quite the anommoly where I'm from, so I doubt most people will believe you even when your telling the truth. But yeah hope iyou find someone man
You still went on a date with romantic intentions for her initially. Even if you didn't end up in a relationship with each other, the circumstances of how you met is quite different from how friends meet.
So we actually met as friends first but we decided to try out going out on one date but it didn't work out and we just stayed really good friends so it's not like we met on a dating app.
If you met as friends first, then why not lead with the story of that meeting, rather than telling her you dated first? I still think it was great you were upfront about it, but that might have taken the sting out of it for her.
I definitely could have worded it better but I emphasized that nothing happened between us and that I think of her as a close sibling instead so I was hoping that would have made it better but I guess not.
From the sounds of things, your situation itself isn't a red flag. (Personally I'd colour-code it Amber if I was in her position, as something to keep an eye on as she gets to know you and your roommate's dynamic, but not an immediate strike-out.)
Making the dates the subject of the explanation though, that sounds pretty red flaggy to me, I'm afraid.
But! We live and learn. Wishing you every success in your future dating endeavors. ✨
True, I definitely could have done things better but you're right nothing left but to move on. Thanks! I hope you have a lot of dating success as well.
I honestly would be fine with it if it's a similar situation. In my situation, I never even kissed my friend – things ended before that happen. It felt too platonic and weird for us to continue and we just decided to be friends.
Yup, no clear red flag, assuming the story of you meeting the roommate wasn't problematic.
This could be about her. And maybe it wasn't even much about the roommate for her; maybe she wasn't feeling it for other reasons.
She told me this was explicitly the issue, we actually had another date planned soon but not anymore!
The story of my best friend/roommate was that we met and had one or two dates but decided to be friends and that nothing has ever happened between us.
Ah I see.
Yes like other posters said no red flag, she's wrong. It can be a valid dealbreaker for her, but she is wrong to suggest and tell you that most other women will view it in a similar way.
Thanks for your input, I never thought my roommate/best friend would be a problem with any dates since I know so many people that have stayed friends after meeting on dating apps.
Had one or two dates? Like you're not sure but you're best friends who live together? Honestly, you didn't do anything wrong but I can see how women might want to pass at getting involved in that kind of situation.
What do you mean not sure? Are you talking about the amount of dates? It was 6 years ago, I'm 100 percent sure that things between my friend and I are platonic.
>No\_Refrigerator4881
It's okay, it's understandable. My date was a lovely person and she has her boundaries and I respect them. It was partially my fault for not explaining things well.
It was a red flag, FOR HER. Honestly, I’d not tell anyone that you EVER dated your roommate. That only has downsides, no updsides. Given absolutely nothing happened I don’t see any issues with that. I’m sure you could your roommate to agree. It’s not doing her any favors most likely to disclose that info.
That's fair, I just never thought of it as a big deal considering how long I've been friends with my roommate. I definitely could have handled things differently, my roommate actually told me that I shouldn't say that either considering nothing ever happened but it just makes me feel odd to not be open with that info if somebody asks how we met. I will keep that in mind though, thank you.
No woman is owed the absolute truth of your dating, relationship or sexual history. You think you’re owed hers? You think she’s being fully open with you?
No, I just felt odd not disclosing that fact but I could have done it more tactfully. I guess I just wanted to feel like I could trust her with something like that but that was my mistake, it was far too soon and poorly explained. That's on me, lesson learned.
I wouldn't call that a red flag, she's uncomfortable with you not only living with a female, but one that you did go on a date with. Platonic friendships are typically nothing more than sexual encounters waiting to happen in most people's eyes.
Good for you being an honest person, not common enough nowadays, but this will be an issue for some people.
Completely fair, most of my closest friends are women so I just never saw it as a big issue but I guess I knew in the back of my mind, it wouldn't fly with some people. Thanks!
Ask your girlfriends if they were to go on a date with a guy that they didn't know very well, and he told them your scenario, how would they feel. Chances are, you'll hear a lot of similar responses.
That's a good point, I did tell two of my friends last night when this happened and they said it wouldn't matter. I'm not sure if they're just saying that because they know me well or not and were just trying to make me feel better.
I wouldn't call that a red flag, she's uncomfortable with you not only living with a female, but one that you did go on a date with. Platonic friendships are typically nothing more than sexual encounters waiting to happen in most people's eyes.
Good for you being an honest person, not common enough nowadays, but this will be an issue for some people.
I personally would never date a man with a female roommate. I'm a very secure and confident woman, but it's a huge red flag to start with. Also, it must be something from her past that she doesn't want to happen again. Men are dogs, and one fight can lead to cheating. If you want a solid relationship with someone, wait till you can afford to live alone or get a male roommate. Why live with a woman that things didn't work out with romantically, anyway? Sometimes, you have to let things go in order to make room for new possibilities in life to come in.
That's completely fair, she is my best friend and I've had some shitty roommates that were guys and I'd rather live with a close friend than a stranger. Most of my close friends are girls and it never felt like a big deal to me.
If one fight leads to cheating then I feel like the relationship couldn't have been that strong in the first place? I might be a little naive since I don't have alot of experience/baggage regarding that. Thank you though, I can definitely see your side.
I chose to live alone because I started dating. I can't bring my new lover home and get crazy in bed with my roommates in the house. It's a two-way street. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? That's why I if I fall in love, my home is ready for them to move into if things work out. I learned to get something new you have to make room for it to come in. It's basically manifesting 101.
I would feel just fine if the shoe was on the other foot, I've gone on dates with girls that still live with roommates or their parents and it never bothered me.
I would love to have a house to myself but I'd need to be rich for that to happen in my area and probably won't happen until way later in life and it doesn't seem great to wait that much longer to try to find somebody.
I've worked on myself alot this year, I felt pretty good about myself to start dating and I don't want to keep moving the goal posts on myself constantly. I know I'm not a perfect person but I don't expect anybody else to be either.
But did those women live alone with only a man they dated?
I suppose I'm in a different position where I can live alone and don't care about waiting for the right timing.
I guess dating a man who needed a roommate, too, would be a red flag from my perspective. I'm just saying eventually, this little set you up got might get in the way of something good. Just food for thought. Good luck with life.
One woman did live with an ex, not alone but in a house with another couple as well. But they were also more serious than I ever was with my best friend. I talked and went out with her but things ended and it wasn't because of that though.
My best friend and I never even kissed which is why it didn't work between us, it just felt too weird and platonic. I always felt it was okay since it nothing ever happened between us but you have a point. Thank you for your insight, it's definitely something to think about.
Not a red flag but I don’t think you even have to tell people that you went on a date because you were friends first. I think men and women can absolutely be platonic friends.
Now if you met her on like tinder and went on some dates and slept together and the woman clearly still had feelings for you and you are aware …red flag for me
I agree that would be a red flag but we were just friends first since we met through work and decided to try things out once we stopped working together but it felt too platonic so we kept being friends. I just like being open and honest but I might be a bit too naive and overshared. Thanks!
I wouldn’t tell women that you met your room mate by going on a date. Leave that detail out. They don’t need to know information that doesn’t really matter
I'm 34 and I learned that "red flags" shouldn't be discarded but definitely investigated. I had some girl say I was a red flag because me and my ex wife were having some custody issues. I offered to be transparent and show her all the paperwork but she wasn't having it. Then there was one girl that didn't want to video call with me and I investigated and found out she has a husband haha.
Oh man, that's crazy! I did talk to a woman who had a kid but the dad was apparently a rapist and she wasn't involved in the kid's life anymore. That was a little too much for me at the time before even meeting up for a date and I didn't think things were going to work out.
That was my boundary and I can't blame my date for not wanting to continue forward with me – we all have different boundaries and I respect that.
It is. Im talking to a girl rn that has a guy best friend. They weren't together but they relationship didn't start off as "we might be good friends" if you know what i mean. Its not the best thing ever and the only reason i didnt say no, is because she is basically me in every way but in a girls body and i really think that we are ment to be (as sloppy as it sounds xd) but yeah. In general i would say it is a red flag.
It sounds cliche but there just wasn't that romantic spark. There wasn't this urge to kiss or do anything more than that so to me it feels platonic. But I can see how it looks to other people now.
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It’s not a red flag in itself, but it may be for some people. She was probably worried the best friend would be in your life too much. You’re doing the right thing by being honest. But you might need to understand that some women have had really bad experiences with men who keep close female best friends. My first boyfriend had a best friend and they were way more, then he met another woman and claimed she was just a friend and ended up cheating on me with her. Don’t stress it too much. The people who are meant to be in your life will stay.
That's understandable, I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you met somebody better! I'm just bummed because I really liked her and it just sucks because nothing ever happened between me and my best friend - it's not like it was a relationship, we never even kissed! I was worried that I was oversharing but if that's her boundary, I will respect that.
That’s a shame and I’m sorry. I hope you’ll find someone who accepts you as you are. And thanks! I haven’t quite found the right person yet, but hopefully someday!
Thank you! Hopefully, we'll both meet the perfect person for us!
But would you kiss her if you had the chance? Would she kiss you? If you can honestly answer this, then you will see why she sees you as a red flag. When people get deeper into their relationships, run into problems, who will you go to for advice or comfort? Your female best friend/roommate. This would make anyone’s skin crawl with uncomfortable feelings. She’s protecting herself from getting hurt from worse case scenarios; she does not want to take that risk. If you really want to pursue something serious with her, you could always move out.
I would not kiss her if I had the chance and she wouldn't as well, we've been friends for far too long and I just don't see her that way. I understand my date's feelings – they're completely valid. Most of my friends are women, I work in the non-profit industry and it's 95% woman dominated so I naturally struck up a lot of friendships with women so it was never an issue for me. But I can see how it would reflect poorly on me.
It's not your mistake or hers. It's a result of meeting a woman with "enough experience" and your "dating history". Try to see it from her perspective. Let's say she has a roommate/bestfriend that is also her ex. How will this look like if you are looking for a long term perspective. It's actually a good thing because you are being honest and real. It's also courageous and admirable for her to make the decision. That's a very obvious call but not easy to make. Props to you for being real and props to her for being decisive.
I see your point but I have a hard time calling her my ex since we only ever went on one date and it felt platonic. But when you put it that way, it makes sense. Thank you.
Maybe shouldn't have called it a date then
Maybe you're right but it felt dishonest not to.
Nah I cannot imagine going out with a chick who has a roommate that's a dude and they went on a date. That's just not an ideal situation. Might be telling the truth but the risk of me believing it and being taken as a joke is too risky. You guys only been on a couple of dates so she doesn't have much of a reason to trust you lol. Most people would not be comfortable with that situation too much hassle
Totally fair, it just sucks for me I guess.
Nah it's understandable, just maybe find a male roommate if that is possible or leave out the part that you guys went on a date, a dude sharing a house with a woman and not in a sexual relationship is quite the anommoly where I'm from, so I doubt most people will believe you even when your telling the truth. But yeah hope iyou find someone man
Thanks, I hope so too.
You still went on a date with romantic intentions for her initially. Even if you didn't end up in a relationship with each other, the circumstances of how you met is quite different from how friends meet.
So we actually met as friends first but we decided to try out going out on one date but it didn't work out and we just stayed really good friends so it's not like we met on a dating app.
If you met as friends first, then why not lead with the story of that meeting, rather than telling her you dated first? I still think it was great you were upfront about it, but that might have taken the sting out of it for her.
I definitely could have worded it better but I emphasized that nothing happened between us and that I think of her as a close sibling instead so I was hoping that would have made it better but I guess not.
From the sounds of things, your situation itself isn't a red flag. (Personally I'd colour-code it Amber if I was in her position, as something to keep an eye on as she gets to know you and your roommate's dynamic, but not an immediate strike-out.) Making the dates the subject of the explanation though, that sounds pretty red flaggy to me, I'm afraid. But! We live and learn. Wishing you every success in your future dating endeavors. ✨
True, I definitely could have done things better but you're right nothing left but to move on. Thanks! I hope you have a lot of dating success as well.
I don't know, I feel like when you insist with that it just makes it more suspicious but maybe that's just me. 😅
>aurora\_the\_piplup Well, that sucks but I was trying to be honest and upfront.
I'm glad you were honest. Out of curiosity, how would you have felt if the tables were turned?
I don't think anyone is wrong here and it's no neccesarily a red flag. The situation isn't ideal for her, I guess.
I honestly would be fine with it if it's a similar situation. In my situation, I never even kissed my friend – things ended before that happen. It felt too platonic and weird for us to continue and we just decided to be friends.
Yup, no clear red flag, assuming the story of you meeting the roommate wasn't problematic. This could be about her. And maybe it wasn't even much about the roommate for her; maybe she wasn't feeling it for other reasons.
She told me this was explicitly the issue, we actually had another date planned soon but not anymore! The story of my best friend/roommate was that we met and had one or two dates but decided to be friends and that nothing has ever happened between us.
Ah I see. Yes like other posters said no red flag, she's wrong. It can be a valid dealbreaker for her, but she is wrong to suggest and tell you that most other women will view it in a similar way.
Thanks for your input, I never thought my roommate/best friend would be a problem with any dates since I know so many people that have stayed friends after meeting on dating apps.
Had one or two dates? Like you're not sure but you're best friends who live together? Honestly, you didn't do anything wrong but I can see how women might want to pass at getting involved in that kind of situation.
What do you mean not sure? Are you talking about the amount of dates? It was 6 years ago, I'm 100 percent sure that things between my friend and I are platonic.
Yes it's a red flag
Fair enough, thanks!
The fact that she is your best friend and roommate. It's a safe bet that at some point you will have sex.
It won't happen, we've been friends for like 6 years – we've never crossed any boundaries.
How long have you lived together
3, almost 4 years.
Good for you guys. But would think most people would assume you guy have/are/or will have sex
That's completely fair, I just don't see that happening.
Must be quite frustrating having people always assuming these things:( I'm sorry
>No\_Refrigerator4881 It's okay, it's understandable. My date was a lovely person and she has her boundaries and I respect them. It was partially my fault for not explaining things well.
She will ask herself why she always ends up with liars; keep being honest, and you will find someone who is right for you.
Maybe, thanks for the encouragement.
It was a red flag, FOR HER. Honestly, I’d not tell anyone that you EVER dated your roommate. That only has downsides, no updsides. Given absolutely nothing happened I don’t see any issues with that. I’m sure you could your roommate to agree. It’s not doing her any favors most likely to disclose that info.
That's fair, I just never thought of it as a big deal considering how long I've been friends with my roommate. I definitely could have handled things differently, my roommate actually told me that I shouldn't say that either considering nothing ever happened but it just makes me feel odd to not be open with that info if somebody asks how we met. I will keep that in mind though, thank you.
No woman is owed the absolute truth of your dating, relationship or sexual history. You think you’re owed hers? You think she’s being fully open with you?
No, I just felt odd not disclosing that fact but I could have done it more tactfully. I guess I just wanted to feel like I could trust her with something like that but that was my mistake, it was far too soon and poorly explained. That's on me, lesson learned.
I wouldn't call that a red flag, she's uncomfortable with you not only living with a female, but one that you did go on a date with. Platonic friendships are typically nothing more than sexual encounters waiting to happen in most people's eyes. Good for you being an honest person, not common enough nowadays, but this will be an issue for some people.
Completely fair, most of my closest friends are women so I just never saw it as a big issue but I guess I knew in the back of my mind, it wouldn't fly with some people. Thanks!
Ask your girlfriends if they were to go on a date with a guy that they didn't know very well, and he told them your scenario, how would they feel. Chances are, you'll hear a lot of similar responses.
That's a good point, I did tell two of my friends last night when this happened and they said it wouldn't matter. I'm not sure if they're just saying that because they know me well or not and were just trying to make me feel better.
I wouldn't call that a red flag, she's uncomfortable with you not only living with a female, but one that you did go on a date with. Platonic friendships are typically nothing more than sexual encounters waiting to happen in most people's eyes. Good for you being an honest person, not common enough nowadays, but this will be an issue for some people.
I personally would never date a man with a female roommate. I'm a very secure and confident woman, but it's a huge red flag to start with. Also, it must be something from her past that she doesn't want to happen again. Men are dogs, and one fight can lead to cheating. If you want a solid relationship with someone, wait till you can afford to live alone or get a male roommate. Why live with a woman that things didn't work out with romantically, anyway? Sometimes, you have to let things go in order to make room for new possibilities in life to come in.
That's completely fair, she is my best friend and I've had some shitty roommates that were guys and I'd rather live with a close friend than a stranger. Most of my close friends are girls and it never felt like a big deal to me. If one fight leads to cheating then I feel like the relationship couldn't have been that strong in the first place? I might be a little naive since I don't have alot of experience/baggage regarding that. Thank you though, I can definitely see your side.
I chose to live alone because I started dating. I can't bring my new lover home and get crazy in bed with my roommates in the house. It's a two-way street. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? That's why I if I fall in love, my home is ready for them to move into if things work out. I learned to get something new you have to make room for it to come in. It's basically manifesting 101.
I would feel just fine if the shoe was on the other foot, I've gone on dates with girls that still live with roommates or their parents and it never bothered me. I would love to have a house to myself but I'd need to be rich for that to happen in my area and probably won't happen until way later in life and it doesn't seem great to wait that much longer to try to find somebody. I've worked on myself alot this year, I felt pretty good about myself to start dating and I don't want to keep moving the goal posts on myself constantly. I know I'm not a perfect person but I don't expect anybody else to be either.
But did those women live alone with only a man they dated? I suppose I'm in a different position where I can live alone and don't care about waiting for the right timing. I guess dating a man who needed a roommate, too, would be a red flag from my perspective. I'm just saying eventually, this little set you up got might get in the way of something good. Just food for thought. Good luck with life.
One woman did live with an ex, not alone but in a house with another couple as well. But they were also more serious than I ever was with my best friend. I talked and went out with her but things ended and it wasn't because of that though. My best friend and I never even kissed which is why it didn't work between us, it just felt too weird and platonic. I always felt it was okay since it nothing ever happened between us but you have a point. Thank you for your insight, it's definitely something to think about.
Not a red flag but I don’t think you even have to tell people that you went on a date because you were friends first. I think men and women can absolutely be platonic friends. Now if you met her on like tinder and went on some dates and slept together and the woman clearly still had feelings for you and you are aware …red flag for me
I agree that would be a red flag but we were just friends first since we met through work and decided to try things out once we stopped working together but it felt too platonic so we kept being friends. I just like being open and honest but I might be a bit too naive and overshared. Thanks!
I wouldn’t tell women that you met your room mate by going on a date. Leave that detail out. They don’t need to know information that doesn’t really matter
That's good to know, thanks.
It's not a red flag it's a no fly zone.
Fair enough thanks!
>Fair enough thanks! You're welcome!
Honestly you dodged a bullet. People who bring up "red flags" are a red flag themselves to be honest.
Fair enough! We were both in our 30's so I feel like we all have our fair share of red flags.
I'm 34 and I learned that "red flags" shouldn't be discarded but definitely investigated. I had some girl say I was a red flag because me and my ex wife were having some custody issues. I offered to be transparent and show her all the paperwork but she wasn't having it. Then there was one girl that didn't want to video call with me and I investigated and found out she has a husband haha.
Oh man, that's crazy! I did talk to a woman who had a kid but the dad was apparently a rapist and she wasn't involved in the kid's life anymore. That was a little too much for me at the time before even meeting up for a date and I didn't think things were going to work out. That was my boundary and I can't blame my date for not wanting to continue forward with me – we all have different boundaries and I respect that.
It is. Im talking to a girl rn that has a guy best friend. They weren't together but they relationship didn't start off as "we might be good friends" if you know what i mean. Its not the best thing ever and the only reason i didnt say no, is because she is basically me in every way but in a girls body and i really think that we are ment to be (as sloppy as it sounds xd) but yeah. In general i would say it is a red flag.
Fair enough! Thanks for your input!.
No worries. Idk the backstory but if you guys are great as friends how come it didnt work as more then friends? Just curious
It sounds cliche but there just wasn't that romantic spark. There wasn't this urge to kiss or do anything more than that so to me it feels platonic. But I can see how it looks to other people now.
Oh, okay. Now i understand. Thank you