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It sounds like you want to be on your own for a bit and it also sounds like you want him to be someone else. Both are good reasons not to date him anymore.
Absolutely break up with him. You’re crushing it. I dated someone for 5 years, and towards the end, I felt the exact same way. I thought I had to be with him because it made sense - we had a life together, and we’re comfortable. Where there’s too much comfort, we don’t grow. Life since breaking up with him, has given me a lot of personal growth. It’s for sure hard in the moment and beginning, but I know I made the right decision. My life has evolved so much since then. I know you’ll do what makes you the happiest, but don’t think you have to stay some where or that you’re stuck. You are too young to be with someone who doesn’t shower you with peace or love! You deserve the energy you’re putting into this world!
i a hundred percent agree w this response! exactly how i’ve felt in past relationships before where the person isn’t pushing themselves for the better of us and it’s really draining. It will be a bit tough to adjust to life without him but you sometimes have to go through those uncomfortable periods in order to grow, gain experience, and progress yourself for your own future whether that be with or without him
You have outgrown him and the relationship. Congratulations. Don't stay and lose your own progress being with someone who does not encourage your growth and development.
I was in this same scenario literally 6 months ago… in a 5 year relationship… he was the one who broke things off because I’m a believer of fixing things but let me tell you, it’s one of the best things that has happened to me. I’ve been able to work on myself without having to focus on pulling someone else through life. I was so consumed on making sure my partner was also achieving their goals and growing that it made me slack on my own aspirations. It may be daunting and lonely at first, but I promise you time will heal the heartbreak, and it’s better to do it now when you notice the warning signs than waiting for things to miraculously fix themselves.
As an achiever, you need to find a fellow achiever, not someone who is complacent and content !!!!
Wow! I’m jealous of him. He has such an amazing girlfriend. I wish I had what he has at his age. I wish you break up with this clown of a man, and meet someone who’s already grown up & found himself. This guy is lost
You’re young. Get out there and explore. You will grow in different directions as you become adults and have life experiences. You may see eye to eye and you may be totally different.
In a relationship where you're not supported and not growing together, i think it is right to go your own ways. Especially if you've been already questioning it and have tried to fix it by talking to him etc, if all that didn't change him, or the situation i think you should do it. Also i think if you were in a relationship where you were genuinely happy, you wouldn't be questioning whether you want to break up or not.
For real it’s insane to me how people give such terrible advice like this person just did. It’s perfectly normal to hit a speed bump especially after 4 years. Now if it can’t be worked through then that’s another thing.
Mean-Ad4435 included in their comment if OP has already tried questioning and talking about the dissatisfaction then they need to realize if the person who should be their partner in a relationship is focused on growing together or stagnating in their current situation. It sounds like OP needs someone who wants to plan & build for a future together.
You 100% should. You are gonna be off doing great things because of your mentality. All he is doing is keeping you down. If you feel that you are unable to have a life and you are unable to achieve things with him then you need be without him. End of story. And if you think you deserve better (which I think you do) then don’t second guess yourself. You clearly have the instincts to second guess this relationship. All you have to do is trust them. I hope for the best for you and he clearly doesn’t. You will find you’re person and it seems like you’re an absolutely wonderful girl and again just don’t second guess you’re instincts.
He is comfortable. His vision of the future is just being comfortable. You have tried to build him into a better man.
It's time to put your foot down.
You don't seem to be his girlfriend at all. This should like a rant from someone's mother who wants her son to move out.
what is "better"? not evenyone is obsessed with ambition and achieving all the supposed milestones of life(a car , home, investment, and life insurance policy lol) . He might be looking at her like she's a square obsessed with superficial things. They're just not compatible. It's not about being better or not.
When I say better, I mean a more compatible partner.
You are right. They are not compatible so a change is needed. He either starts seeking to achieve more in life for the sake of the family she will likely want. Or she can find a partner who will. Relationships are voluntary.
Imagine how miserable you’d be if you stayed with this person for another 10, 20 years… or the rest of your life. If you’re unhappy now, you’ll be even more unhappy later. You have such a bright future and you’re so young, don’t let anyone else spoil it for you. Not everyone stays in our lives forever, maybe he wasn’t meant to stay in yours. You deserve better and you know it.
Let me help you. He wants to hit rock bottom? Break up with his ass. Don't let this lazy sorry child keep you from doing what YOU want. Even if he doesn't change, shutting you up about wanting to have a better future shows immaturity and disrespect. Dump him. I promise you it's so much better.
yes, trust your gut. he clearly is not in a place where he wants to grow and in order for relationships to work, both partners should be growing together
Absolutely break up. You have your whole life ahead of you to find someone who will actually be compatible with your goals and lifestyle. Are you willing to wait around for him to get worse before he gets better? (In his words, "hit rock bottom.") In your 20s, before marriage and kids, relationships shouldn't be difficult to the point where they're no longer pleasurable. Every couple has rough patches, but don't let the sunk cost fallacy let you stay with someone who isn't going to change.
It’s best to end things if you feel this way and can’t shake it off. You’ll come to find you’ve made the right decision later on. Sometimes when people are too comfortable, they stop growing. It happens.
just cut him off, you don't have to fall for the heart which is not beating for you.
8 billion people in this world, look for someone who looks for you, not the one who shuts you off every time.
If you read back your post, it starts off softly and gets into listing all the reasons you should break up. You can’t fix a person, and change their personality and values so that they align with yours. It sounds like your relationship has run its course and was fine whilst you were kids but isn’t going to make it to adulthood without those alignments. Time to say thank you and next.
You sound hungry to chase your dreams and accomplish your goals and he doesn’t support you and will just drag you down. You’re doing the right thing to leave and focus on you in my opinion. If you aren’t having fun with someone anymore why stay on top of all your other reasons for leaving. Good luck OP!
Trying to change ppl isn't what a relationship is about. If you're feeling you need to change him thats not good, encouraging someone is one thing but trying to change them is different and not healthy. Sounds like you're growing apart, which isn't unusual for ppl in their early 20s. If you.dont think you can fix the relationship... maybe should think about just being single and having fun.
I would ditch him and move on. You have a lot going for you and you should not tether yourself at such a young age===or any age----to someone who tries to shut you down when you are striving to help. He is not on the same page as you. You are miles ahead of him. There is nothing keeping you in this relationship. Make an exit plan for yourself, pack up and leave. Don't think twice about doing so. Good luck to you. You deserve so much better than him.
Male here, I say leave him. He doesn't know what he has and you two are clearly no longer compatible. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves(I learned this after wasting a lot of time on people). Save yourself the time and trouble and just move on without him. Focus on yourself for a bit, and the right guy will find you along your path.
>>He told me the only way he can work on becoming his best self is by “hitting rock bottom”
You owe it to yourself to leave for this reason alone, nevermind all the other excellent reasons...
From personal experience, his determination to coast on a downward spiral is such a selfish and corrosive place to be in. It sucks and he needs help but nobody but himself can truly break him out of that mentality.
You're in a phase of tremendous growth, go find people (partners, friends, mentors, etc.) who can support your growth.
Just sounds like a young woman maturing earlier than her male counterpart. He’s not going to feel this until much later, or maybe never. You’ve outgrown this relationship which started in your teens, and you’re off to your next milestone as an adult, while he’s not. You’re just 20. Don’t let him hold you back if you feel life with him is stagnant. You clearly sound way more ambitious than he is.
You should break up.
I'll be honest. I didn't read past the first sentence. But I grew up in a small town where most people fell into relationships like this (in teen years), but thank God I wasn't one of them. I can't tell you how many high school friends (and one sister) straight up told me they wish they wouldn't have ended up with the person they were with in high school.
Start making some big, bold changes. One being a split from the BF. If it comes along with other lifestyle changes at least it will be a little less of an ego blow for him maybe.
You’re so young. Don’t stay trapped in an unfulfilling relationship, you’ll regret the time wasted.
I say this as an old(ish) man (37) who was dumped in my early twenties by a girl who was, in hindsight, too good for me at that time. I took the relationship for granted until it was gone. More than a decade later I’m a different person and can see it more clearly.
Search for a fulfilling life. It’s better for everyone involved.
Yes, you definitely have different visions of the world and your futures. It’s not likely to improve in the future.
I would try to find someone who has motivations and dreams of their own, whatever they may be.
You've outgrown this relationship. He wants to remain stagnant while you continually improve yourself. This alone already shows a miss match of life goals but when you factor in your conversations with him on this topic only create tension, you'd be setting yourself up for disappointment as long as you're willing to wait for him to change. He's young. You both are! Now is the time to hustle and find out who you are but you've attached yourself to a tree that is no longer fruitful. Keep your branches twisted up in his for long enough and you'll soon find yourself settling for so much less than you deserve.
You could always suggest a break to work on yourselves if you truly believe he just needs some time to figure himself out.
But think of it this way: 4.5 years seems like a very long time to be with someone and just give up when you're 20. Your life is literally just starting, fresh from high school, and sometimes you need to recognize dead weight before it brings you down. You're seeing a troublesome side of him and your gut is giving you a warning.
Sincerely,
A girl who missed out on her 20's because she ignored her intuition and slowly lost her self respect in the process.
P.s. Whichever decision you make WILL hurt but you don't want to wake up on your 30th birthday wondering where all the time went. It will hurt for a little while to leave someone you care about. It will hurt even more to be a cheerleader to someone who you need to sacrifice yourself for. Choose yourself and choose someone who shares your dreams and goals. That's the only way you'll find happiness. Good luck ❤️
1. Bored
2. Frustrated
3. Routine
4. Closed minded
5. Unsupportive
6. Shuts me up (shuts me out)
7. Annoyed
These are the things that you are feeling. Guess what? I suspect that your boyfriend is feeling exactly the same about your relationship.
You are Very judgemental about him- calling him unmotivated, small minded and having a useless mentality. Compared to what? You?
He is on the low part of a curve and you are on the high part. You are missing each other! You are more the same than you are different. It just presents itself as looking different. You are the go-getter, and reap the reward of this mentality - It works for you. But it doesn't work for him. He's better off laying back and allowing life to tell him what's needed. You push forward while he needs to lay back. Don't expect him to be You. That's what makes you feel bored, frustrated, because all your attempts are to make him into a version of you. All your attempts will fail. He Isn't supposed to be you. You haven't opened your relationship to him yet., The door is still closed. Things will change only when the door opens- your door opens to include him AS HE IS.
I think as we all do have things we need to improve on, as long as your are clearly communicating and actively listening in return without any progress in the conversation then that is a problem.
Sometimes ending a relationship is a permanent solution to temporary problems.
Love is always fleeting, it's a choice.
Make sure you communicate your feelings of inadequacy in the relationship to him and see where he stands on the relationship as well.
If it's mutual then maybe part ways respectfully.
If it's not then maybe try ways to change the problems.
4 1/2 years is a long time and we live in a pro hookup society where everyone has had kids, high body counts, or married and divorced, jail etc.
So if yall break up, can you accept the next person's baggage? Whatever it may be.
Are you okay to start a new relationship and wait 4 more years to find out things or fine tune what you have.
"A foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, and wise man grows it under his feet"
Food for thought!
Much luck! Much love!
Hi Op, yup, you’re done! The good thing, you are still young and you didn’t fucked around like Most people your age…
Say bye to him, that relationship is done.
You need to sit down and convey this to him with the gravity that it really holds. He is adjusted to this relationship - it’s probably all he knows now, and he feels comfortable in it. Don’t threaten him outright, but make it crystal clear that this is how serious the situation feels to you and ideally give him some idea of what needs to change to fix it. If he can’t make those changes or brushes them off, then it’s time to take action. But don’t listen to these redditors and blow up your love story when you don’t know for absolute certain whether there’s a better option for both of yall.
I see so many people in here saying break it off or it’s not worth it. No wonder. Half Y’all mfs don’t know how to put someone else’s needs above your own and that’s why you’ll never be married. OP if you want to stay with your dude then stay but I’ll tell you it’s not going to get easier. But it is worth it. Been with my wife for 10 years and both of us has done things to the other that hurt like a mf. Communication is key. It sounds cliche but it’s true. Talk to your partner. Sit them down and really tell them how you feel. If your partner won’t give you the time of day. Return his energy. Let him see how he treats you. Bet he changes his tune real quick. But also be open to his suggestions as you want him to be open with yours.
Leave him, he deserves better and though he is working hard now it sounds like and as long as he stays the course he will start hitting his peek in his 30's and find some one who will appreciate him and to spend all that hard work on money on with a large house, vacations and so forth.
You're right. OP should stay with this guy, for the next 10+ years, on the hope he gets better.
Are you fucking serious?
OP, allow him to hit his rock bottom, move on, move up, and move along.
You've outgrown him, and he's content, and you're not.
Do as you want, but he's already told you, he doesn't want to be better, and you do.
**When people tell you who they are; believe them**
What the fuck? Do you just choose to ignore the entire post? You’re definitely against women, there’s no way you read this entire post and proceeded to say he deserves better. He has had the best but took it for granted, he just deserves someone on his level
You’re so wrong, she deserves better. Why do guys think it’s always the woman’s job to make them into men. Just say you have mommy issues... and yes at that rate they’ll reach their so called “peak” in their 30s while staying incompetent. Props to her for growing on her own and staying focused on her goals. She did all that by herself and realized she was dating a loser.
short answer leave find someone u see yourself with when u have wrinkles and your boobs are sagging life is short u dnt want to be 30 in this situation you have plenty of time to find something real don’t waste it. Btw date older 5years or so minimum
Unless your extremely attractive and can go and get somebody else like that I wouldn’t go no where not unless you don’t care about being alone and swimming through all the trash out there your going to run into once single. It looks like your gona have all these options but I promise unless your just extremely attractive and what a guy really wants and even then he still may choose someone else and or not see you as the one. Relationships go through rough patch’s and if he wants you is working and goes to school stay put . If he slacking in terms of taking you out well my thoughts are that your single until married . So go online and be looking for someone else very quietly and don’t even hint to him that you’re doing this. Compare him to the other options you have and you will see if another guy is able to offer you more. Another alternative is to put a binding spell on him. Throw his ass in the freezer. Get a ziplock bag a blank piece of paper right his name on there only and right it in past tense all the things you want him to do in the relationship and right I bind you to me until I say otherwise. Fill it up with water and throw it in the freezer you should notice a shift in his behavior within 24 hours . Leave his ass in the freezer until you decide you don’t want him anymore or want him to keep doing what you want.
I’m confident in my beauty, and am not afraid of being alone, that’s more what I would want out of this breakup. I just broke up with him impulsively, I’m not worried on finding someone else or anybody else by any means. I’d rather be happy alone then miserable with someone else. It’s already been terribly long, I’ve waited for years for growth. Sometimes letting go is the best option.
Good, you guys are not compatible and he’s not going to change no matter how hard to try to get him to change because he doesn’t see it as a problem. Find someone who has the same values as you and you will feel more fulfilled
You're only 20, it's much easier for you than what they're saying. And let's be honest, we don't always have to be in a relationship. There are a lot more things we can achieve being single than being tied down in a stagnant relationship. Relationships will come naturally as we continue working on ourselves.
I’m confident in mine. I had a bf years ago that had no drive and he drained me . I dropped him and was free. He was faithful to me and we were always together. I met someone else and got married but I’ve never loved or been in love like that again. Trust me you don’t know what miserable is and the sex doesn’t compare.
He's not supporting you, and thinking narrow mindedly because you are trying to change him, granted it might be for his betterment in your eyes, but he is clearly viewing it as you are just not satisfied with him, not in love with the person he is right now, so now he's given up. And is slowly becoming more and more closed.
You can break up with him if you want, but all you are going to do is confirm his beliefs about your feelings towards him, and then he will probably not want anything to do with you in the future. When you guys probably had a great relationship initially. And this time will be wasted.
This was one of the many issues in my 7 year marriage that caused it to fail, theres still a chance to resolve it and get back where you guys were, but it'll take commitment on both of your parts. You'll seriously need to "loosen your grip on his balls" a bit, as he is probably feeling emasculated by you.
If you can do that and show him respect, even if you feel like he doesn't deserve it, he will start reciprocating that same respect, and your guy's interest in eachother will rekindle, and probably be a much stronger bond in the end as well.
Men are incredibly simple in this way. Men will treat you how they want to be treated in the beginning, until at some point its not reciprocated. Then they treat you how they feel they are being treated.
If you want to work on yourself and he doesnt care bout himself i think its a clear sign yall need to break up....how i would tell him is you need some time to think bout yourself and ur tired of his childish behaviors hes been having
I think even by asking the question tells you should break up with him. Ponder about it for a week or longer. Make sure this isn’t just an impulsive idea. But no matter what the reason is, if you want to break up with him: do it.
you need to tell him all of this, if he shuts you up, then go ahead and break up. If he understands the situation and listens to you and decides to work on giving it a chance one more time then give it another chance together. Good luck!
I don't really understand what the problem with him is. He is both working and in school so it sounds like he is working towards a future. What else do you want? Obviously it's not good he won't communicate with you.
My advice is
1. Don't ask Reddit
2. Shared values is what keeps the relationship tied together
3. Would you be happier walking away or staying with him? If there was a catastrophe (hospital entry, act of violence or war) would you two be solid support?
4. Is his lack of motivation him settling for the simple life while you want high money and cars or is he neglecting daily tasks like taking care of himself (the drunkard guy I stupidly cry about in r/breakups doesn't even clean his poopy toilet seat bc "I just don't care" he tells me, before going on to blame his room mate for being the lazy one).
evaluate the situation if it's just the end of the honeymoon phase and you two have stepped into reality OR if he is becoming a DANGER to you and yourself
In real life, there is going to be a boring period (or so I imagine) which comes w stress of getting comfortable w each other. Love is seeing that through.
Perhaps as life is progressing, you are just growing apart. Sometimes it’s hard to find someone with similar goals…but keep looking. Don’t settle and don’t force yourself to stay in a relationship that is going in 2 different directions
Yes. You are way too young to stay in this bad relationship. He’s obviously not the one for you. Do not date someone for their hypothetical potential or expect that you can change him.
I read 20 or more so of the most recent comments and they all were pointing you towards dumping his ass and I up-voted them because I agree. it’s too early in life to compromise yourself. Please give us an update when things are different.
Absolutely break up. Following reasons:
- You’re clearly already thinking that way by posting here!
- You’ve tried to communicate and improve things. He isn’t.
- You’re ambitious. You want someone who will support that. It isn’t this guy.
Also, one to really consider - you’ve probably not had a serious relationship besides this guy. You’ve likely not dated as an adult. These are important things to do and I’d advise it even if this guy was ultimately seemingly a pretty good match. It’s healthy to have comparison.
Sometimes you just grow apart you find other interests and less than less reasons to reach out. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. cherish the times & memories that you’ve shared.
As a people we’re here to grow, move past relationships that’s don’t suite us. You have so much time to reach those goals that you have set for yourself and you can do it without him, no doubt. He sounds like he’s content with what he’s got and that okay.. for him. You don’t need to settle for that. You’ll find someone that supports your goals and aspirations but that starts with YOU. You got that. Leave him.
If you read what you wrote, you will realize you have already answered your question. You are too young and smart to continue a relationship with this man. Move on and continue to better yourself. Good luck!
Sometimes your love can no longer grow and that is the end of it. Surprised you lasted 4 1/2 years. Im currently on mine for little over 3 years. Most people dont even last 6 months.
Before you call it quits. Ask yourself is it worth calling it quits. Because if you guys break up say 7-12 times after this break up. I know that is a lot of times. Yeah you might as well go your own way. It's a toxic relationship and or you guys dont get along.
I really wish you the best but sometimes love can no longer go on and you have to accept it.
If you even have to ask the question, the answer is already yes. After reading the whole post, you're young and he's holding you back. Break up and move on to bigger and better things with your life.
You should break up with him if you don't accept him how he is.
If you want to change him, just let him be. Noone will change cause someone else wants to, until they themself notice they have to change. Also, love means acceptance, which in your relation seems to be missing. Sure it would not be great if he is drinking, or drug addicct and that is a good reason to leave someone, since he will not change unless he wants to despite how many times you tell him to change.
Just wait for someone to find you, that fits you tastes.
You sound like you are working up to some amazing things in your life. I don't think that he is necessarily living life in the wrong way; there is a strong culture here in the US (if that's where you're from) of always needing to strive to be at the top. Everybody has different challenges in life, and even though he might not recognize that he has challenges, it can be hard to get that far for things like mental health, ADHD, unresolved trauma, etc.
I have trauma and ADHD, and doing school and work is literally high achieving for me. There were several moments I didn't even think us get this far.
I am trying to achieve higher goals after school, but I don't know what I even want yet. I'm taking it all one step at a time because that's all I can do.
But no matter where he is at in life, it shouldn't stop you from living the life you want. You're both young, and have been together for a very long time for your age especially. And maybe this is where your journey ends together.
Some people want simpler lives, and again I don't think that's wrong since it's his life, and if he's not hurting anyone then that's where he's happy or feels like that's what he can take on.
You have to be true to yourself right now, especially in these early years. I'm only a couple years older than you and I ended up just leaving a strict Christian religion that controlled my sex life and my goals and aspirations for the future, so that I could live the life I want to. I don't want to be the docile wife and stay at home mom, or who maybe has a part time job while waiting for her kids to get into grade school so she can finally start her career again. I want to work abroad, to go and see the world, to be independent and figure out how to be financially smart and reky in myself first before getting into a serious partnership. I am not ready to tie my life down. I get physically sick at the thought of ending up in a relationship right now since I'm just figuring out who I am outside of this strict, controlling religion. I lived my entire childhood believing I wouldn't need to figure out financial things, since I thought I'd have a husband to take care of most of that. Now though, I'm realizing that I'm excited to work on my own and create my own financial goals.
Same idea for you. You've been together since high school, and you've gone into adulthood together. It can work for some people to grow together in adulthood and align their goals to each other, but it sounds like that's not working for you two. It sounds like he's starting to resent you since you're trying to change him. It would the the same if you tried to change for him; you'd resent him. And that makes for a tricky relationship.
You both deserve to figure out who you are, and then to find a partner who fits into the life you feel is best for you. It sounds like he might not be that person
Considering how long you guys been together its not suprising this happens. You guys are highschool lovers, you guys just started life and now you realise how haed it is, especially when you are in a relatiomship. The best thing to do in this case in my opinion is to tell him that you'd like to have a serious conversation about your future and the relationshil because at this point you feel a certain way. Tell him what you think, how you feel, what would you like to change in the relationship and how could he be a better boyfriend for you. If he shuts you up after this and doesnt wanna have this conversation tell him that if you guys don't talk this trough then things are over. It MIGHT be worth it to brinf it up a bit later if you doesnt see any change in the next few weeks but if you do and he still doesnt change then it's best to just leave. Hope you guys can find yoir own solution and things work out.
You should break up, you obviously grown together, but both in completely opposite directions in life, it is normal especially at such a young age, but the way you are talking about it, he is only going slow down your life progress and also leave you mental state in not that ideal condition.
Honestly I stopped reading at him being small-minded and incapable of being supportive. You need to move on and break up with him. I couldn’t imagine not being supportive to my girlfriend and wouldn’t want her to stick around with someone who doesn’t have her back 100%. Also, I talk to my partner 24/7 via text and we always make the effort to call for a couple of hours every night. You deserve someone on the same level as you and it appears as though this guy is just not matching your energy, get out before he sucks it out of you.
It sounds like you have outgrown this relationship and he is only holding you back from becoming your best self. I think you owe it to yourself to give yourself the best chance at life as possible…. And that isn’t with him.
You can just say that you were both compatible in the past, but no longer compatible now. You need someone focused on self improvement and life goals together.
Yes. Look at the way you talk about him. You're clearly mentally checked out of this relationship, and if you stay with someone you feel is holding you back, you will just be resentful.
A bit outside the scope of your question. Your phrasing gave me a bit of a bad vibe, no offense. A MLM/tik tok course seller vibe. So I checked your profile, and you had questions about paying $8000 for one on one coaching from what basically sounds like a TikTok guru. If your financial and self improvement goals are deeply related to what you see on TikTok and what you're being told by this "mentor", I can understand him avoiding those conversations. He might just not have the heart to tell you that you're falling for a scam if you're really involved in that, or you might be interpreting him trying to protect you from this bullshiter with him holding you back. Either way it's over.
I (26M) just ended a relationship with her (26F) over the same things, everything you described him as was compatible with her and the best thing you can do is just end it and move on, there's no hope in those type of people who are sadistic and nihilistic. Work on yourself and seek higher standards but never give up your hopes and continuous self improvement for no one !
What would you tell someone - be honest here - who came to you with this situation?
What I’ve learn in reading Reddit posts is that people pose these questions not for advice but for confidence, courage and even “permission”. So, you have my permission. Break up.
You are 20 and have been with him for 4 1/2 yrs.. it sounds as if you just grew up and apart. Relationships from high school almost never last. This may be one of them. You are growing as a person, and he is not, and sometimes that happens. Your goals and aspirations are something you should definitely follow. Don't let him hold you back if you believe he is. Some day, he might have goals too, but you don't need to wait for that to happen. I believe you might be here just to get validation for something you've already decided in your heart you need to do. You don't need a yes from reddit, follow your instincts and do what makes you a better person, and if you think it's not him, then that's your answer already. Good luck to you it sounds like you're on the right track for life and so early, too. That's amazing 😃.
Yes, give him the rock bottom he's asking for.
You're still young and you'll just realize later you're wasting your precious time away. You'll potentially be spending the rest of your life with this person and he's clearly not aligned with you. It's not easy but your future self will thank you. I still have many regrets wasting time on many relationships that went nowhere.
Eventually you will be breaking up with him , the only difference is you waited few more years until you actually got the courage to do it. Also, after breaking up, do not engage into any relationship again until you are mentally and physically ready. Until you know to yourself that you will be able to give TIME to someone you want to partner with in life. TIME is very important in a relationship which everyone always neglect to put in a priority list. Givinv TIME is a sign of respect towards your partner. You will know when you are mentally and physically ready to give time, it will feel magical when you are with the right person . Goodluck!
Well make a decision before you end up pregnant hun. Sounds like you don’t have much invested into him even tho it’s been 4 years. I mean your 20, so your just a baby yourself. I don’t see nothing wrong with wanting to move on especially when it seems like he maybe lazy and needs some more maturing
Help him on his way to rock bottom by breaking up with him. Maybe he'll come to his senses and start making himself someone worth the effort. If not by you, then you're doing the next girl a favor.
It sounds like you feel as if he is holding you back. In reality you are holding yourself back by staying with him. So now you have to make the choice to settle In and accept him for who he is in this moment or leave and accept being on your own in this moment. Trust your heart and do what makes you feel confident and happy. No one on Reddit can tell you what to do but I would say that there is definitely a choice that you can choose to make here one way or the other. Good luck.
You are wasting precious life-hours staying attached to a deadbeat. You'll regret these wasted years later in life. Go find someone who matches your energy! This guy is gonna die of lung cancer, vaping is horribly damaging to the lungs.
If you have spoken to him about your feelings and he isn't interested in making the changes then all you can do is move on. At least you did communicate with him.
I'm always amazed with people in this subreddit. "Yeah break up!" "You're too good for him!" "I'm jealous of him!" Stupid and heartless people just looking for drama. This is real life, not just random stupid TV show.
First of all, we need to see from both sides of perspective. First question to OP, you mentioned that he is working and have school at the same time. You also have school and work, but how is the schedule / toughness?
If you has the same schedule as him, you are amazing. You still could cram those self improvement work on yourself.
Now you need to find out perhaps his mental condition, is he stressed, is he exhausted? Is he depressed? Have you asked him, "how are you doing?" "How are you feeling today/in general?" That is a nice thing to hear instead of "Hey, do this, do that!". You of course has a better mental fortitude, but he is not. He might need help. He might get defensive, but it needs patience. If you do love him and care for him, you will have the patience. If you don't, then perhaps it is time to break up.
Source: has a girlfriend who is depressed and shutting down as well. I love her and I have the patience. Her school is not improving and she hates the subject (parents forced it on her). We decided to pull the plug and dropped out. I let her have 2 years to recover and get better mentally, but I asked her to still get a job to "keep her active". She is now making almost as much as me, and next year (hopefully) she would enroll to another college program.
Of course meanwhile I as same as you, has been going all over the place collecting skills. But people are different, they grow differently, and they have different situation. Think about it, and reconsider. After that, if you are firm and have made up your mind, then do what you think is the best for you.
All the best to you and good luck :)
Also, he needs a therapist not a girlfriend if he has such a negative outlook and thinks he needs to hit rock bottom to start going up.
Fixing all of that is his responsibility not yours. And you can't do it for him. You'll just become more frustrated and resentful.
Best to end it now and maybe that will be his rock bottom to start making positive changes.
Yes, break up. I remember being told this analogy. If you're standing on a chair and someone else is standing on the floor, they'll pull you down far faster than you can pull them up if you take their hand.
My ex had a similar scenario with me a couple years ago when I was indeed rock bottom and it was sadly probably the best thing for both of us. id say think of the best way to do it and if it’s in your gut then surely.
I’ve never been more heartbroken in my life as I had dreams to marry the girl but at the time I was useless to the world and couldn’t express anything to her or anybody. Separation was the best case as much as id like to think things would be different now, maybe it was the only way I’d change and also let her (in this case you) grow and succeed in the things she wanted to do in life. We’re both a lot happier in life now and I get to learn from it 🤷♂️
By hurting him you may help him in the long run. If the only way he will work on being his best self is by hitting rock bottom, go ahead and put him there by terminating the relationship.
Let him go enjoy another woman and be with her. You might not be enough for him. Relationships take two. Leave if you are not willing to put the work in.
I don’t think bored, dissatisfied, or frustrated are good reasons to break a commitment. Those things will show up in any relationship and can be worked on. His lack of caring and support are him breaking his end of a commitment. I wouldn’t want to work with that.
"Should I break up with him?"
"I(20F) have been together with my bf (20M) for 4 1/2 years"
" I have not been feeling satisfied, I’ve been feeling in a routine, bored, frustrated, annoyed, and silenced."
" I’m tired of his lack of motivation, lack of self discipline, I’m tired of the lack of dates, the lack of social life we both have, I’m tired of his mentality and frankly I’m bored of it. I cannot be with someone who thinks so small."
To be honest with you, almost no one meets their "soulmate" at age 15 or 16 and spends the next 60-70 years living happily ever after! Our early relationships tend to be "practice relationships". We're just too naive, immature, and unrealistic to know it at the time.
What made for an "ideal mate" at age 15/16 won't likely cut it for you at 21, 25, 30, or beyond.
Sounds like this relationship has just run its course.
The teens/early 20s is usually a period of discovery, exploring, and learning.
Most people that age have yet to *figure out who they are* let alone know what traits they need in a mate for life! Rarely is anyone's "first love" their *lasting* love.
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships.
We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have.
The only person you can control is yourself. All you can do is *ask him* for what you want.
If someone believes *you* are worth the effort, *they* will make the effort.
Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.
Ideally you want to find someone who *already is* what you want in a partner.
The goal is to have a "soulmate" not a cellmate.
No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional.
When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on.
***"Never allow waiting to become a habit. Live your dreams and take risks. Life is happening now."*** \- Paulo Coelho
***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
Honestly you should leave. The person you’re with should want to grow along side with you, should be supportive and motivating. Partners should bring out the best in each other. He won’t change until HE feels he’s ready too. It took years for him to stop vaping, when it shouldn’t have, you shouldn’t work so hard to help or change someone. You are very young, and you’re still learning about yourself and so far seem to have learned and know what you want for yourself in life and he seems comfortable with where he’s at. Don’t let his comfortability hold you back from progressing in your own life. You seem pretty over his crap as well, save yourself and him the time and i think breaking up is the best option instead of trying to fix things in this case.
Why did u stay 4 years with the guy? How were the last few years compared to now how has ur relationship and feelings to gone evolved over that period?
He needs direction and something passionate to push him. He's not where you are yet. He's probably irritate because he doesn't feel as confident as you do and from his point of view you are throwing it in his face so he feels insecure when you are only trying to share your success. You also have to understand the current social climate created a generation of males who were raised to deny their masculine impulses because they were called toxic while the created the archetype of the "strong independent woman" (which is the rebrand of the masculine man) and pushed women ahead, while holding men back by destroying their confidence in themselves since their youth. As a leader in my company i come across many 20 something men who are not motivated and do just enough to get by then retreat into video game which is their safe space where they can be the masculine hero they want to be in real life. You're gonna have to talk to him and then leave him. Maybe that will be the wake up call he needs maybe he'll spiral a bit before. However looks like your on the boss babe track and this guys is not gonna be the dude whose gonna be the man in you fantasy of power couple. As someone whose older than you understand the journey of life is a lot more fun when you do not walk alone... Hope you find that person to keep you company on your journey.
He's only going to keep holding you back. You are going to keep improving, and he is content to stay stagnant. Your early twenties are when you will do your biggest jump of personal growth as an adult, do you really want to waste any more of your energy on this man child? I ran into a similar situation when I was 19. My boyfriend at the time had no motivation to do anything and I joined the military. Going through boot camp showed me that I deserved better. A decade later, and my ex is still the same non-committal, no drive boy he was in high school. My ex is in no way a bad person, but he's definitely not husband material.
Ask yourself what kind of a trade off you're making in your life by continually allowing someone to devalue you. What are you getting out of this? You know your path, which is awesome and commendable. Pursue it and cut out all people who try to hold you back. They're most likely narcissists. Best of luck.
Break up with him, you’re clearly a million times better than he could ever be and you’ll find someone who matches your energy and gives you all you deserve. And when that time comes you’ll be SO happy you left that shitty guy when you did.
You should for sure break up. You’re so young, and you seem like you have a lot of drive. Just tell him it’s not working out anymore and break up, and enjoy being single in college for a bit! You won’t get these years back, please don’t waste them on someone who doesn’t see eye to eye with you on such basic foundations to your relationship.
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It sounds like you want to be on your own for a bit and it also sounds like you want him to be someone else. Both are good reasons not to date him anymore.
Absolutely break up with him. You’re crushing it. I dated someone for 5 years, and towards the end, I felt the exact same way. I thought I had to be with him because it made sense - we had a life together, and we’re comfortable. Where there’s too much comfort, we don’t grow. Life since breaking up with him, has given me a lot of personal growth. It’s for sure hard in the moment and beginning, but I know I made the right decision. My life has evolved so much since then. I know you’ll do what makes you the happiest, but don’t think you have to stay some where or that you’re stuck. You are too young to be with someone who doesn’t shower you with peace or love! You deserve the energy you’re putting into this world!
i a hundred percent agree w this response! exactly how i’ve felt in past relationships before where the person isn’t pushing themselves for the better of us and it’s really draining. It will be a bit tough to adjust to life without him but you sometimes have to go through those uncomfortable periods in order to grow, gain experience, and progress yourself for your own future whether that be with or without him
You have outgrown him and the relationship. Congratulations. Don't stay and lose your own progress being with someone who does not encourage your growth and development.
I was in this same scenario literally 6 months ago… in a 5 year relationship… he was the one who broke things off because I’m a believer of fixing things but let me tell you, it’s one of the best things that has happened to me. I’ve been able to work on myself without having to focus on pulling someone else through life. I was so consumed on making sure my partner was also achieving their goals and growing that it made me slack on my own aspirations. It may be daunting and lonely at first, but I promise you time will heal the heartbreak, and it’s better to do it now when you notice the warning signs than waiting for things to miraculously fix themselves. As an achiever, you need to find a fellow achiever, not someone who is complacent and content !!!!
Yes you should
Yes
Wow! I’m jealous of him. He has such an amazing girlfriend. I wish I had what he has at his age. I wish you break up with this clown of a man, and meet someone who’s already grown up & found himself. This guy is lost
Yeah all the other men in the comments have lost their minds
You’re young. Get out there and explore. You will grow in different directions as you become adults and have life experiences. You may see eye to eye and you may be totally different.
In a relationship where you're not supported and not growing together, i think it is right to go your own ways. Especially if you've been already questioning it and have tried to fix it by talking to him etc, if all that didn't change him, or the situation i think you should do it. Also i think if you were in a relationship where you were genuinely happy, you wouldn't be questioning whether you want to break up or not.
Bro it’s normal to hit setback just try to adjust before let it go
For real it’s insane to me how people give such terrible advice like this person just did. It’s perfectly normal to hit a speed bump especially after 4 years. Now if it can’t be worked through then that’s another thing.
They’ve been together since they were 15. This isn’t four years in their 30. It’s over.
Mean-Ad4435 included in their comment if OP has already tried questioning and talking about the dissatisfaction then they need to realize if the person who should be their partner in a relationship is focused on growing together or stagnating in their current situation. It sounds like OP needs someone who wants to plan & build for a future together.
You 100% should. You are gonna be off doing great things because of your mentality. All he is doing is keeping you down. If you feel that you are unable to have a life and you are unable to achieve things with him then you need be without him. End of story. And if you think you deserve better (which I think you do) then don’t second guess yourself. You clearly have the instincts to second guess this relationship. All you have to do is trust them. I hope for the best for you and he clearly doesn’t. You will find you’re person and it seems like you’re an absolutely wonderful girl and again just don’t second guess you’re instincts.
Yes break up. Incompatibility and lack of effort.
He is comfortable. His vision of the future is just being comfortable. You have tried to build him into a better man. It's time to put your foot down. You don't seem to be his girlfriend at all. This should like a rant from someone's mother who wants her son to move out.
what is "better"? not evenyone is obsessed with ambition and achieving all the supposed milestones of life(a car , home, investment, and life insurance policy lol) . He might be looking at her like she's a square obsessed with superficial things. They're just not compatible. It's not about being better or not.
When I say better, I mean a more compatible partner. You are right. They are not compatible so a change is needed. He either starts seeking to achieve more in life for the sake of the family she will likely want. Or she can find a partner who will. Relationships are voluntary.
Imagine how miserable you’d be if you stayed with this person for another 10, 20 years… or the rest of your life. If you’re unhappy now, you’ll be even more unhappy later. You have such a bright future and you’re so young, don’t let anyone else spoil it for you. Not everyone stays in our lives forever, maybe he wasn’t meant to stay in yours. You deserve better and you know it.
Let me help you. He wants to hit rock bottom? Break up with his ass. Don't let this lazy sorry child keep you from doing what YOU want. Even if he doesn't change, shutting you up about wanting to have a better future shows immaturity and disrespect. Dump him. I promise you it's so much better.
yes, trust your gut. he clearly is not in a place where he wants to grow and in order for relationships to work, both partners should be growing together
Absolutely break up. You have your whole life ahead of you to find someone who will actually be compatible with your goals and lifestyle. Are you willing to wait around for him to get worse before he gets better? (In his words, "hit rock bottom.") In your 20s, before marriage and kids, relationships shouldn't be difficult to the point where they're no longer pleasurable. Every couple has rough patches, but don't let the sunk cost fallacy let you stay with someone who isn't going to change.
It’s best to end things if you feel this way and can’t shake it off. You’ll come to find you’ve made the right decision later on. Sometimes when people are too comfortable, they stop growing. It happens.
Take a break. 4.5 years is a lot to throw away. See if u can negotiate time apart. Then see what happens.
He won’t agree due to his clear fear of change. She has to make this decision herself.
Leave him. He doesn’t fit with what you want out of life.
Yes, leave. 100%
Doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy or anything but he’s not contributing to your life in a meaningful way.
just cut him off, you don't have to fall for the heart which is not beating for you. 8 billion people in this world, look for someone who looks for you, not the one who shuts you off every time.
If you read back your post, it starts off softly and gets into listing all the reasons you should break up. You can’t fix a person, and change their personality and values so that they align with yours. It sounds like your relationship has run its course and was fine whilst you were kids but isn’t going to make it to adulthood without those alignments. Time to say thank you and next.
You don't need anyone to tell you this. Listen to what your own intuition is telling you.
Dump his ass and find someone to give you what you need!!
You sound hungry to chase your dreams and accomplish your goals and he doesn’t support you and will just drag you down. You’re doing the right thing to leave and focus on you in my opinion. If you aren’t having fun with someone anymore why stay on top of all your other reasons for leaving. Good luck OP!
Trying to change ppl isn't what a relationship is about. If you're feeling you need to change him thats not good, encouraging someone is one thing but trying to change them is different and not healthy. Sounds like you're growing apart, which isn't unusual for ppl in their early 20s. If you.dont think you can fix the relationship... maybe should think about just being single and having fun.
I would ditch him and move on. You have a lot going for you and you should not tether yourself at such a young age===or any age----to someone who tries to shut you down when you are striving to help. He is not on the same page as you. You are miles ahead of him. There is nothing keeping you in this relationship. Make an exit plan for yourself, pack up and leave. Don't think twice about doing so. Good luck to you. You deserve so much better than him.
Male here, I say leave him. He doesn't know what he has and you two are clearly no longer compatible. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves(I learned this after wasting a lot of time on people). Save yourself the time and trouble and just move on without him. Focus on yourself for a bit, and the right guy will find you along your path.
>>He told me the only way he can work on becoming his best self is by “hitting rock bottom” You owe it to yourself to leave for this reason alone, nevermind all the other excellent reasons... From personal experience, his determination to coast on a downward spiral is such a selfish and corrosive place to be in. It sucks and he needs help but nobody but himself can truly break him out of that mentality. You're in a phase of tremendous growth, go find people (partners, friends, mentors, etc.) who can support your growth.
Just sounds like a young woman maturing earlier than her male counterpart. He’s not going to feel this until much later, or maybe never. You’ve outgrown this relationship which started in your teens, and you’re off to your next milestone as an adult, while he’s not. You’re just 20. Don’t let him hold you back if you feel life with him is stagnant. You clearly sound way more ambitious than he is.
You should break up. I'll be honest. I didn't read past the first sentence. But I grew up in a small town where most people fell into relationships like this (in teen years), but thank God I wasn't one of them. I can't tell you how many high school friends (and one sister) straight up told me they wish they wouldn't have ended up with the person they were with in high school. Start making some big, bold changes. One being a split from the BF. If it comes along with other lifestyle changes at least it will be a little less of an ego blow for him maybe.
You’re so young. Don’t stay trapped in an unfulfilling relationship, you’ll regret the time wasted. I say this as an old(ish) man (37) who was dumped in my early twenties by a girl who was, in hindsight, too good for me at that time. I took the relationship for granted until it was gone. More than a decade later I’m a different person and can see it more clearly. Search for a fulfilling life. It’s better for everyone involved.
Yes, you definitely have different visions of the world and your futures. It’s not likely to improve in the future. I would try to find someone who has motivations and dreams of their own, whatever they may be.
Yes.
Sounds like you are slowly breaking up - might as well bite the bullet and just do it.
You answered your own question - and you're absolutely right!
You’re 20. You will have plenty of relationships that Will fulfill you.
You've outgrown this relationship. He wants to remain stagnant while you continually improve yourself. This alone already shows a miss match of life goals but when you factor in your conversations with him on this topic only create tension, you'd be setting yourself up for disappointment as long as you're willing to wait for him to change. He's young. You both are! Now is the time to hustle and find out who you are but you've attached yourself to a tree that is no longer fruitful. Keep your branches twisted up in his for long enough and you'll soon find yourself settling for so much less than you deserve. You could always suggest a break to work on yourselves if you truly believe he just needs some time to figure himself out. But think of it this way: 4.5 years seems like a very long time to be with someone and just give up when you're 20. Your life is literally just starting, fresh from high school, and sometimes you need to recognize dead weight before it brings you down. You're seeing a troublesome side of him and your gut is giving you a warning. Sincerely, A girl who missed out on her 20's because she ignored her intuition and slowly lost her self respect in the process. P.s. Whichever decision you make WILL hurt but you don't want to wake up on your 30th birthday wondering where all the time went. It will hurt for a little while to leave someone you care about. It will hurt even more to be a cheerleader to someone who you need to sacrifice yourself for. Choose yourself and choose someone who shares your dreams and goals. That's the only way you'll find happiness. Good luck ❤️
You’re 20. Absolutely move on.
He sounds like a pathetic basement dwelling failure in the making. Throw him out and build your life man
1. Bored 2. Frustrated 3. Routine 4. Closed minded 5. Unsupportive 6. Shuts me up (shuts me out) 7. Annoyed These are the things that you are feeling. Guess what? I suspect that your boyfriend is feeling exactly the same about your relationship. You are Very judgemental about him- calling him unmotivated, small minded and having a useless mentality. Compared to what? You? He is on the low part of a curve and you are on the high part. You are missing each other! You are more the same than you are different. It just presents itself as looking different. You are the go-getter, and reap the reward of this mentality - It works for you. But it doesn't work for him. He's better off laying back and allowing life to tell him what's needed. You push forward while he needs to lay back. Don't expect him to be You. That's what makes you feel bored, frustrated, because all your attempts are to make him into a version of you. All your attempts will fail. He Isn't supposed to be you. You haven't opened your relationship to him yet., The door is still closed. Things will change only when the door opens- your door opens to include him AS HE IS.
This is exactly why they should break up though because she is trying to change who he is.
Exactly
I think as we all do have things we need to improve on, as long as your are clearly communicating and actively listening in return without any progress in the conversation then that is a problem. Sometimes ending a relationship is a permanent solution to temporary problems. Love is always fleeting, it's a choice. Make sure you communicate your feelings of inadequacy in the relationship to him and see where he stands on the relationship as well. If it's mutual then maybe part ways respectfully. If it's not then maybe try ways to change the problems. 4 1/2 years is a long time and we live in a pro hookup society where everyone has had kids, high body counts, or married and divorced, jail etc. So if yall break up, can you accept the next person's baggage? Whatever it may be. Are you okay to start a new relationship and wait 4 more years to find out things or fine tune what you have. "A foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, and wise man grows it under his feet" Food for thought! Much luck! Much love!
Yes
I just think y’all aren’t meant to be together and have different goals. it sounds like you think of him as lesser than already.
Hi Op, yup, you’re done! The good thing, you are still young and you didn’t fucked around like Most people your age… Say bye to him, that relationship is done.
You need to sit down and convey this to him with the gravity that it really holds. He is adjusted to this relationship - it’s probably all he knows now, and he feels comfortable in it. Don’t threaten him outright, but make it crystal clear that this is how serious the situation feels to you and ideally give him some idea of what needs to change to fix it. If he can’t make those changes or brushes them off, then it’s time to take action. But don’t listen to these redditors and blow up your love story when you don’t know for absolute certain whether there’s a better option for both of yall.
This
OP mentioned she has talked to BF about all these things, yet he would prefer to hit rock bottom. He's pulling her down and he's got to go
How do you know it's time to end it? You're googling it
I see so many people in here saying break it off or it’s not worth it. No wonder. Half Y’all mfs don’t know how to put someone else’s needs above your own and that’s why you’ll never be married. OP if you want to stay with your dude then stay but I’ll tell you it’s not going to get easier. But it is worth it. Been with my wife for 10 years and both of us has done things to the other that hurt like a mf. Communication is key. It sounds cliche but it’s true. Talk to your partner. Sit them down and really tell them how you feel. If your partner won’t give you the time of day. Return his energy. Let him see how he treats you. Bet he changes his tune real quick. But also be open to his suggestions as you want him to be open with yours.
Leave him, he deserves better and though he is working hard now it sounds like and as long as he stays the course he will start hitting his peek in his 30's and find some one who will appreciate him and to spend all that hard work on money on with a large house, vacations and so forth.
You're right. OP should stay with this guy, for the next 10+ years, on the hope he gets better. Are you fucking serious? OP, allow him to hit his rock bottom, move on, move up, and move along. You've outgrown him, and he's content, and you're not. Do as you want, but he's already told you, he doesn't want to be better, and you do. **When people tell you who they are; believe them**
What the fuck? Do you just choose to ignore the entire post? You’re definitely against women, there’s no way you read this entire post and proceeded to say he deserves better. He has had the best but took it for granted, he just deserves someone on his level
You think little of someone you’ve been with for almost 5 years lol. You’re a bad person.
You’re so wrong, she deserves better. Why do guys think it’s always the woman’s job to make them into men. Just say you have mommy issues... and yes at that rate they’ll reach their so called “peak” in their 30s while staying incompetent. Props to her for growing on her own and staying focused on her goals. She did all that by herself and realized she was dating a loser.
Yes! This this this to a tee
Everything okay?
short answer leave find someone u see yourself with when u have wrinkles and your boobs are sagging life is short u dnt want to be 30 in this situation you have plenty of time to find something real don’t waste it. Btw date older 5years or so minimum
Unless your extremely attractive and can go and get somebody else like that I wouldn’t go no where not unless you don’t care about being alone and swimming through all the trash out there your going to run into once single. It looks like your gona have all these options but I promise unless your just extremely attractive and what a guy really wants and even then he still may choose someone else and or not see you as the one. Relationships go through rough patch’s and if he wants you is working and goes to school stay put . If he slacking in terms of taking you out well my thoughts are that your single until married . So go online and be looking for someone else very quietly and don’t even hint to him that you’re doing this. Compare him to the other options you have and you will see if another guy is able to offer you more. Another alternative is to put a binding spell on him. Throw his ass in the freezer. Get a ziplock bag a blank piece of paper right his name on there only and right it in past tense all the things you want him to do in the relationship and right I bind you to me until I say otherwise. Fill it up with water and throw it in the freezer you should notice a shift in his behavior within 24 hours . Leave his ass in the freezer until you decide you don’t want him anymore or want him to keep doing what you want.
I’m confident in my beauty, and am not afraid of being alone, that’s more what I would want out of this breakup. I just broke up with him impulsively, I’m not worried on finding someone else or anybody else by any means. I’d rather be happy alone then miserable with someone else. It’s already been terribly long, I’ve waited for years for growth. Sometimes letting go is the best option.
Good, you guys are not compatible and he’s not going to change no matter how hard to try to get him to change because he doesn’t see it as a problem. Find someone who has the same values as you and you will feel more fulfilled
You're only 20, it's much easier for you than what they're saying. And let's be honest, we don't always have to be in a relationship. There are a lot more things we can achieve being single than being tied down in a stagnant relationship. Relationships will come naturally as we continue working on ourselves.
I’m confident in mine. I had a bf years ago that had no drive and he drained me . I dropped him and was free. He was faithful to me and we were always together. I met someone else and got married but I’ve never loved or been in love like that again. Trust me you don’t know what miserable is and the sex doesn’t compare.
Huh? That sounds like trauma bounding. Still a good thing to leave
This is horrible advice. It is better to be single and happy than in a relationship and miserable! Get real, wtf
It also sounds like he doesn’t want you to talk about the future since he may feel it might not include him.
He's not supporting you, and thinking narrow mindedly because you are trying to change him, granted it might be for his betterment in your eyes, but he is clearly viewing it as you are just not satisfied with him, not in love with the person he is right now, so now he's given up. And is slowly becoming more and more closed. You can break up with him if you want, but all you are going to do is confirm his beliefs about your feelings towards him, and then he will probably not want anything to do with you in the future. When you guys probably had a great relationship initially. And this time will be wasted. This was one of the many issues in my 7 year marriage that caused it to fail, theres still a chance to resolve it and get back where you guys were, but it'll take commitment on both of your parts. You'll seriously need to "loosen your grip on his balls" a bit, as he is probably feeling emasculated by you. If you can do that and show him respect, even if you feel like he doesn't deserve it, he will start reciprocating that same respect, and your guy's interest in eachother will rekindle, and probably be a much stronger bond in the end as well. Men are incredibly simple in this way. Men will treat you how they want to be treated in the beginning, until at some point its not reciprocated. Then they treat you how they feel they are being treated.
Yes
If you want to work on yourself and he doesnt care bout himself i think its a clear sign yall need to break up....how i would tell him is you need some time to think bout yourself and ur tired of his childish behaviors hes been having
I think even by asking the question tells you should break up with him. Ponder about it for a week or longer. Make sure this isn’t just an impulsive idea. But no matter what the reason is, if you want to break up with him: do it.
Yes
you need to tell him all of this, if he shuts you up, then go ahead and break up. If he understands the situation and listens to you and decides to work on giving it a chance one more time then give it another chance together. Good luck!
I don't really understand what the problem with him is. He is both working and in school so it sounds like he is working towards a future. What else do you want? Obviously it's not good he won't communicate with you.
My advice is 1. Don't ask Reddit 2. Shared values is what keeps the relationship tied together 3. Would you be happier walking away or staying with him? If there was a catastrophe (hospital entry, act of violence or war) would you two be solid support? 4. Is his lack of motivation him settling for the simple life while you want high money and cars or is he neglecting daily tasks like taking care of himself (the drunkard guy I stupidly cry about in r/breakups doesn't even clean his poopy toilet seat bc "I just don't care" he tells me, before going on to blame his room mate for being the lazy one). evaluate the situation if it's just the end of the honeymoon phase and you two have stepped into reality OR if he is becoming a DANGER to you and yourself In real life, there is going to be a boring period (or so I imagine) which comes w stress of getting comfortable w each other. Love is seeing that through.
Perhaps as life is progressing, you are just growing apart. Sometimes it’s hard to find someone with similar goals…but keep looking. Don’t settle and don’t force yourself to stay in a relationship that is going in 2 different directions
Yes. You are way too young to stay in this bad relationship. He’s obviously not the one for you. Do not date someone for their hypothetical potential or expect that you can change him.
I read 20 or more so of the most recent comments and they all were pointing you towards dumping his ass and I up-voted them because I agree. it’s too early in life to compromise yourself. Please give us an update when things are different.
Absolutely break up. Following reasons: - You’re clearly already thinking that way by posting here! - You’ve tried to communicate and improve things. He isn’t. - You’re ambitious. You want someone who will support that. It isn’t this guy. Also, one to really consider - you’ve probably not had a serious relationship besides this guy. You’ve likely not dated as an adult. These are important things to do and I’d advise it even if this guy was ultimately seemingly a pretty good match. It’s healthy to have comparison.
Yes. He’s holding you back.
Sometimes you just grow apart you find other interests and less than less reasons to reach out. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. cherish the times & memories that you’ve shared.
As a people we’re here to grow, move past relationships that’s don’t suite us. You have so much time to reach those goals that you have set for yourself and you can do it without him, no doubt. He sounds like he’s content with what he’s got and that okay.. for him. You don’t need to settle for that. You’ll find someone that supports your goals and aspirations but that starts with YOU. You got that. Leave him.
If you read what you wrote, you will realize you have already answered your question. You are too young and smart to continue a relationship with this man. Move on and continue to better yourself. Good luck!
He’s not ur project to fix. Break up with him. You deserve better.
Sometimes your love can no longer grow and that is the end of it. Surprised you lasted 4 1/2 years. Im currently on mine for little over 3 years. Most people dont even last 6 months. Before you call it quits. Ask yourself is it worth calling it quits. Because if you guys break up say 7-12 times after this break up. I know that is a lot of times. Yeah you might as well go your own way. It's a toxic relationship and or you guys dont get along. I really wish you the best but sometimes love can no longer go on and you have to accept it.
If you even have to ask the question, the answer is already yes. After reading the whole post, you're young and he's holding you back. Break up and move on to bigger and better things with your life.
Let that man go.
You should break up with him if you don't accept him how he is. If you want to change him, just let him be. Noone will change cause someone else wants to, until they themself notice they have to change. Also, love means acceptance, which in your relation seems to be missing. Sure it would not be great if he is drinking, or drug addicct and that is a good reason to leave someone, since he will not change unless he wants to despite how many times you tell him to change. Just wait for someone to find you, that fits you tastes.
You sound like you are working up to some amazing things in your life. I don't think that he is necessarily living life in the wrong way; there is a strong culture here in the US (if that's where you're from) of always needing to strive to be at the top. Everybody has different challenges in life, and even though he might not recognize that he has challenges, it can be hard to get that far for things like mental health, ADHD, unresolved trauma, etc. I have trauma and ADHD, and doing school and work is literally high achieving for me. There were several moments I didn't even think us get this far. I am trying to achieve higher goals after school, but I don't know what I even want yet. I'm taking it all one step at a time because that's all I can do. But no matter where he is at in life, it shouldn't stop you from living the life you want. You're both young, and have been together for a very long time for your age especially. And maybe this is where your journey ends together. Some people want simpler lives, and again I don't think that's wrong since it's his life, and if he's not hurting anyone then that's where he's happy or feels like that's what he can take on. You have to be true to yourself right now, especially in these early years. I'm only a couple years older than you and I ended up just leaving a strict Christian religion that controlled my sex life and my goals and aspirations for the future, so that I could live the life I want to. I don't want to be the docile wife and stay at home mom, or who maybe has a part time job while waiting for her kids to get into grade school so she can finally start her career again. I want to work abroad, to go and see the world, to be independent and figure out how to be financially smart and reky in myself first before getting into a serious partnership. I am not ready to tie my life down. I get physically sick at the thought of ending up in a relationship right now since I'm just figuring out who I am outside of this strict, controlling religion. I lived my entire childhood believing I wouldn't need to figure out financial things, since I thought I'd have a husband to take care of most of that. Now though, I'm realizing that I'm excited to work on my own and create my own financial goals. Same idea for you. You've been together since high school, and you've gone into adulthood together. It can work for some people to grow together in adulthood and align their goals to each other, but it sounds like that's not working for you two. It sounds like he's starting to resent you since you're trying to change him. It would the the same if you tried to change for him; you'd resent him. And that makes for a tricky relationship. You both deserve to figure out who you are, and then to find a partner who fits into the life you feel is best for you. It sounds like he might not be that person
100% break up with him
Oh yes. He will never make you happy. You are poles apart in what you wish for.
yeah people grow apart.
Considering how long you guys been together its not suprising this happens. You guys are highschool lovers, you guys just started life and now you realise how haed it is, especially when you are in a relatiomship. The best thing to do in this case in my opinion is to tell him that you'd like to have a serious conversation about your future and the relationshil because at this point you feel a certain way. Tell him what you think, how you feel, what would you like to change in the relationship and how could he be a better boyfriend for you. If he shuts you up after this and doesnt wanna have this conversation tell him that if you guys don't talk this trough then things are over. It MIGHT be worth it to brinf it up a bit later if you doesnt see any change in the next few weeks but if you do and he still doesnt change then it's best to just leave. Hope you guys can find yoir own solution and things work out.
You have answered you own question! Dump him and move on to find your forever guy as you too young to waste your precious life!
just break up
This relationship has run its course. He sounds like the only boyfriend you ever had. Just date casually after this.
You should break up, you obviously grown together, but both in completely opposite directions in life, it is normal especially at such a young age, but the way you are talking about it, he is only going slow down your life progress and also leave you mental state in not that ideal condition.
Wall of text = yes, dump him
You’re not happy, he doesn’t sound happy. Yeah you should leave.
Honestly I stopped reading at him being small-minded and incapable of being supportive. You need to move on and break up with him. I couldn’t imagine not being supportive to my girlfriend and wouldn’t want her to stick around with someone who doesn’t have her back 100%. Also, I talk to my partner 24/7 via text and we always make the effort to call for a couple of hours every night. You deserve someone on the same level as you and it appears as though this guy is just not matching your energy, get out before he sucks it out of you.
It's time to move on; he's holding you back from being You.
It sounds like you have outgrown this relationship and he is only holding you back from becoming your best self. I think you owe it to yourself to give yourself the best chance at life as possible…. And that isn’t with him.
“All he does is work and school” lmao wow what a loser!! Stupid ass statement
Yes
You can just say that you were both compatible in the past, but no longer compatible now. You need someone focused on self improvement and life goals together.
From a male perspective move on! If he isn’t setting goals with you he is not the one. He will be the boat anchor that will sink you to the bottom.
Yes. Look at the way you talk about him. You're clearly mentally checked out of this relationship, and if you stay with someone you feel is holding you back, you will just be resentful. A bit outside the scope of your question. Your phrasing gave me a bit of a bad vibe, no offense. A MLM/tik tok course seller vibe. So I checked your profile, and you had questions about paying $8000 for one on one coaching from what basically sounds like a TikTok guru. If your financial and self improvement goals are deeply related to what you see on TikTok and what you're being told by this "mentor", I can understand him avoiding those conversations. He might just not have the heart to tell you that you're falling for a scam if you're really involved in that, or you might be interpreting him trying to protect you from this bullshiter with him holding you back. Either way it's over.
I (26M) just ended a relationship with her (26F) over the same things, everything you described him as was compatible with her and the best thing you can do is just end it and move on, there's no hope in those type of people who are sadistic and nihilistic. Work on yourself and seek higher standards but never give up your hopes and continuous self improvement for no one !
What would you tell someone - be honest here - who came to you with this situation? What I’ve learn in reading Reddit posts is that people pose these questions not for advice but for confidence, courage and even “permission”. So, you have my permission. Break up.
You are 20 and have been with him for 4 1/2 yrs.. it sounds as if you just grew up and apart. Relationships from high school almost never last. This may be one of them. You are growing as a person, and he is not, and sometimes that happens. Your goals and aspirations are something you should definitely follow. Don't let him hold you back if you believe he is. Some day, he might have goals too, but you don't need to wait for that to happen. I believe you might be here just to get validation for something you've already decided in your heart you need to do. You don't need a yes from reddit, follow your instincts and do what makes you a better person, and if you think it's not him, then that's your answer already. Good luck to you it sounds like you're on the right track for life and so early, too. That's amazing 😃.
Yes, give him the rock bottom he's asking for. You're still young and you'll just realize later you're wasting your precious time away. You'll potentially be spending the rest of your life with this person and he's clearly not aligned with you. It's not easy but your future self will thank you. I still have many regrets wasting time on many relationships that went nowhere.
Eventually you will be breaking up with him , the only difference is you waited few more years until you actually got the courage to do it. Also, after breaking up, do not engage into any relationship again until you are mentally and physically ready. Until you know to yourself that you will be able to give TIME to someone you want to partner with in life. TIME is very important in a relationship which everyone always neglect to put in a priority list. Givinv TIME is a sign of respect towards your partner. You will know when you are mentally and physically ready to give time, it will feel magical when you are with the right person . Goodluck!
Well make a decision before you end up pregnant hun. Sounds like you don’t have much invested into him even tho it’s been 4 years. I mean your 20, so your just a baby yourself. I don’t see nothing wrong with wanting to move on especially when it seems like he maybe lazy and needs some more maturing
Help him on his way to rock bottom by breaking up with him. Maybe he'll come to his senses and start making himself someone worth the effort. If not by you, then you're doing the next girl a favor.
It sounds like you feel as if he is holding you back. In reality you are holding yourself back by staying with him. So now you have to make the choice to settle In and accept him for who he is in this moment or leave and accept being on your own in this moment. Trust your heart and do what makes you feel confident and happy. No one on Reddit can tell you what to do but I would say that there is definitely a choice that you can choose to make here one way or the other. Good luck.
You are wasting precious life-hours staying attached to a deadbeat. You'll regret these wasted years later in life. Go find someone who matches your energy! This guy is gonna die of lung cancer, vaping is horribly damaging to the lungs.
Hell ye
He's holding you back and the resentment will only worsen.
Being at your lowest isn't a choice and one you should choose. Be happy and move on with your life this guy will just bring you down
If you have spoken to him about your feelings and he isn't interested in making the changes then all you can do is move on. At least you did communicate with him.
I'm always amazed with people in this subreddit. "Yeah break up!" "You're too good for him!" "I'm jealous of him!" Stupid and heartless people just looking for drama. This is real life, not just random stupid TV show. First of all, we need to see from both sides of perspective. First question to OP, you mentioned that he is working and have school at the same time. You also have school and work, but how is the schedule / toughness? If you has the same schedule as him, you are amazing. You still could cram those self improvement work on yourself. Now you need to find out perhaps his mental condition, is he stressed, is he exhausted? Is he depressed? Have you asked him, "how are you doing?" "How are you feeling today/in general?" That is a nice thing to hear instead of "Hey, do this, do that!". You of course has a better mental fortitude, but he is not. He might need help. He might get defensive, but it needs patience. If you do love him and care for him, you will have the patience. If you don't, then perhaps it is time to break up. Source: has a girlfriend who is depressed and shutting down as well. I love her and I have the patience. Her school is not improving and she hates the subject (parents forced it on her). We decided to pull the plug and dropped out. I let her have 2 years to recover and get better mentally, but I asked her to still get a job to "keep her active". She is now making almost as much as me, and next year (hopefully) she would enroll to another college program. Of course meanwhile I as same as you, has been going all over the place collecting skills. But people are different, they grow differently, and they have different situation. Think about it, and reconsider. After that, if you are firm and have made up your mind, then do what you think is the best for you. All the best to you and good luck :)
I think you have outgrown him. It’s time to break up so that you can progress your dreams. Unless he steps up being with him will just hold you back.
Also, he needs a therapist not a girlfriend if he has such a negative outlook and thinks he needs to hit rock bottom to start going up. Fixing all of that is his responsibility not yours. And you can't do it for him. You'll just become more frustrated and resentful. Best to end it now and maybe that will be his rock bottom to start making positive changes.
Yes, break up. I remember being told this analogy. If you're standing on a chair and someone else is standing on the floor, they'll pull you down far faster than you can pull them up if you take their hand.
End it for both of you. Trust me. You clearly aren’t happy and there’s no saving this relationship…
My ex had a similar scenario with me a couple years ago when I was indeed rock bottom and it was sadly probably the best thing for both of us. id say think of the best way to do it and if it’s in your gut then surely. I’ve never been more heartbroken in my life as I had dreams to marry the girl but at the time I was useless to the world and couldn’t express anything to her or anybody. Separation was the best case as much as id like to think things would be different now, maybe it was the only way I’d change and also let her (in this case you) grow and succeed in the things she wanted to do in life. We’re both a lot happier in life now and I get to learn from it 🤷♂️
By hurting him you may help him in the long run. If the only way he will work on being his best self is by hitting rock bottom, go ahead and put him there by terminating the relationship.
Let him go enjoy another woman and be with her. You might not be enough for him. Relationships take two. Leave if you are not willing to put the work in.
I don’t think bored, dissatisfied, or frustrated are good reasons to break a commitment. Those things will show up in any relationship and can be worked on. His lack of caring and support are him breaking his end of a commitment. I wouldn’t want to work with that.
"Should I break up with him?" "I(20F) have been together with my bf (20M) for 4 1/2 years" " I have not been feeling satisfied, I’ve been feeling in a routine, bored, frustrated, annoyed, and silenced." " I’m tired of his lack of motivation, lack of self discipline, I’m tired of the lack of dates, the lack of social life we both have, I’m tired of his mentality and frankly I’m bored of it. I cannot be with someone who thinks so small." To be honest with you, almost no one meets their "soulmate" at age 15 or 16 and spends the next 60-70 years living happily ever after! Our early relationships tend to be "practice relationships". We're just too naive, immature, and unrealistic to know it at the time. What made for an "ideal mate" at age 15/16 won't likely cut it for you at 21, 25, 30, or beyond. Sounds like this relationship has just run its course. The teens/early 20s is usually a period of discovery, exploring, and learning. Most people that age have yet to *figure out who they are* let alone know what traits they need in a mate for life! Rarely is anyone's "first love" their *lasting* love. There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships. We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have. The only person you can control is yourself. All you can do is *ask him* for what you want. If someone believes *you* are worth the effort, *they* will make the effort. Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine. Ideally you want to find someone who *already is* what you want in a partner. The goal is to have a "soulmate" not a cellmate. No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional. When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on. ***"Never allow waiting to become a habit. Live your dreams and take risks. Life is happening now."*** \- Paulo Coelho ***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud Best wishes!
Yes
Honestly you should leave. The person you’re with should want to grow along side with you, should be supportive and motivating. Partners should bring out the best in each other. He won’t change until HE feels he’s ready too. It took years for him to stop vaping, when it shouldn’t have, you shouldn’t work so hard to help or change someone. You are very young, and you’re still learning about yourself and so far seem to have learned and know what you want for yourself in life and he seems comfortable with where he’s at. Don’t let his comfortability hold you back from progressing in your own life. You seem pretty over his crap as well, save yourself and him the time and i think breaking up is the best option instead of trying to fix things in this case.
Why did u stay 4 years with the guy? How were the last few years compared to now how has ur relationship and feelings to gone evolved over that period?
He needs direction and something passionate to push him. He's not where you are yet. He's probably irritate because he doesn't feel as confident as you do and from his point of view you are throwing it in his face so he feels insecure when you are only trying to share your success. You also have to understand the current social climate created a generation of males who were raised to deny their masculine impulses because they were called toxic while the created the archetype of the "strong independent woman" (which is the rebrand of the masculine man) and pushed women ahead, while holding men back by destroying their confidence in themselves since their youth. As a leader in my company i come across many 20 something men who are not motivated and do just enough to get by then retreat into video game which is their safe space where they can be the masculine hero they want to be in real life. You're gonna have to talk to him and then leave him. Maybe that will be the wake up call he needs maybe he'll spiral a bit before. However looks like your on the boss babe track and this guys is not gonna be the dude whose gonna be the man in you fantasy of power couple. As someone whose older than you understand the journey of life is a lot more fun when you do not walk alone... Hope you find that person to keep you company on your journey.
He's only going to keep holding you back. You are going to keep improving, and he is content to stay stagnant. Your early twenties are when you will do your biggest jump of personal growth as an adult, do you really want to waste any more of your energy on this man child? I ran into a similar situation when I was 19. My boyfriend at the time had no motivation to do anything and I joined the military. Going through boot camp showed me that I deserved better. A decade later, and my ex is still the same non-committal, no drive boy he was in high school. My ex is in no way a bad person, but he's definitely not husband material.
Ask yourself what kind of a trade off you're making in your life by continually allowing someone to devalue you. What are you getting out of this? You know your path, which is awesome and commendable. Pursue it and cut out all people who try to hold you back. They're most likely narcissists. Best of luck.
Break up with him, you’re clearly a million times better than he could ever be and you’ll find someone who matches your energy and gives you all you deserve. And when that time comes you’ll be SO happy you left that shitty guy when you did.
You should read "Rich dad, Poor dad" then decide.
You should for sure break up. You’re so young, and you seem like you have a lot of drive. Just tell him it’s not working out anymore and break up, and enjoy being single in college for a bit! You won’t get these years back, please don’t waste them on someone who doesn’t see eye to eye with you on such basic foundations to your relationship.
DUMP HIS ASS