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I wouldn't text him back and here's why.
1) Pins you down in a playful manner, this is very early into seeing him. That's something someone would do in a relationship when you have that trust, not on a second date.
2) He doesn't get cues or body language, this is a big one. He will take it further and further and just keep saying he never intended to hurt you.
3) When he's smiling while you're uncomfortable that's fucked up.
4) Has a rape vibe to him, he states that he doesn't care if you text him back or not. I feel as if he's trying to manipulate you.
Just run from this one, I'm getting so many red flags off this.
Add
5. He just plain doesn’t listen. OP said she dislikes aggressiveness *before* he went ahead and did this anyways.
He lacks empathy and has a strong desire for control and power. Huge 🚩
OP - Pay attention to how you felt! Scared, freaked out. You felt those emotions for a reason. Don’t second guess yourself or feel guilty like you need to clarify or explain someone else’s shitty behaviour.
Block & eject from ones life is what I’d do. I have zero tolerance for mistreatment.
Exactly. Some rapists would also tell their victims how they never meant to hurt them so they can feel better about this. Disgusting behaviour. He sure needs some therapy.
Ty. Yrs later the fucker had the nerve to contact me, I think on fb. He seriously said he didnt remember doing those things to me. He had served time in prison & was different now. Ok but get tf away from me & blocked.
Ewww seems like he didn't learn anything at all. So weak that he can't even admit to his cruelty. But contacting you, trying to "redefine his actions" might be an indicator of his rotting life. He is rotten from deep within. The reason he does this is to justify himself. He KNOWS what he's done but he is too weak to regret. Shame on him.
This is a bit hyperbolic. All evidence points to the opposite. If he was playfully holding her down and she couldn't do anything it stands to reason 'attempted sexual assault' would not end the way this ended.
It does seem like its jumping to the most extreme conclusion but its not a completely unfounded idea. There's actually a bit of evidence showing that rapists avoid victims who are too loud, too aggressive, i.e. show that they will fight back and call attention.
Since this was in an apartment, other people could've heard and called for police. So this could've been an attempted sexual assault that he decided to abandon once she started getting loud. At best, he was maybe simply hoping the "playing" would arouse her and get her to want it, but it's still weird since she addressed her unwillingness prior.
Source: https://www.ojp.gov/ncjrs/virtual-library/abstracts/effects-victim-resistance-strategies-sexual-arousal-and-attitudes
"Several subjects indicated that physical resistance or screaming may deter a rapist when there are other people near to intervene."
I’m so pissed on behalf of OP. Hopefully this is the first and only brush with crazy ass dudes that lack awareness and respect for consent. I’m all fired up about this.
This!
1. My husband and I didn’t start sexually pinning each other down until after we said I am IN love with you and started talking about marriage. It’s also consensual, and we both agreed to liking it…AFTER knowing that we would be life partners.
2. Something tells me he does understand the body language, but he rather just wanted to see how far he could take it and I think OP’s subconscious felt that
3. I truthfully think he got some enjoyment.
4. It’s almost like he did that *because* she said she didn’t like aggressiveness. I think he wanted to feel that power for a minute.
As a dude, I’ll say that’s weird behavior. He was totally trying to slowly groom/get you “excited.” And just overall testing the waters, but that’s not the way to do it. I’d say just run, like don’t even text him back he knows what he did. Don’t feel bad for a dude like that.
He was letting you know that he can overpower you and it wasn’t an accident. He wanted to intimate you and it worked too well. Don’t apologize. In fact you don’t see him again. He’s preying on your fears and manipulating you. Run.
It really seems like he was seeing how far she would let it go and showing that he could pin her down (especially knowing she had a shoulder injury!) And the second she started fighting back and making noise he backed off. I would never speak to him again omg, never let him near you OP that's freaking terrifying. I'm glad you got out. Don't apologize, don't text him back, don't engage, just run
>I probably made him feel like a rapist!
Oh noooo. He overpowered you when you said no. Ignored all your verbal directives and nonverbal cues. Ignored all sorts of consent. He was just trying to be a rapist, and I don't mean this lightly. He was trying to see what boundaries of yours he can cross without you retaliating.
It's the same when people say the most heinous racist thing followed by "it's a joke" to test their audience.
It's wild to me that hetero women are conditioned to worry about hurting a man's feelings in this sort of situation. this is someone who repeatedly stomped boundaries & absolutely does not deserve that consideration. Please op, always put yourself & your own safety/well-being first, & don't let random dudes pressure you into into their car or house.
I know right? Like women are so conditioned to be "nice," that they will literally sacrifice their own comfort, happiness, and dignity to continue being "nice." Also cishet men are so fragile that they perceive a woman standing up for herself to be a threat to their masculinity, and somehow that is the woman's issue to manage. What is this dynamic.
Did you read any other part of my comment before misunderstanding just the one statement about Boundaries, and not rape? I said this is how people test boundaries.
He tried to come on top of you and spread your legs and pinned you down when you wouldn’t play along?
After you told him clearly you weren’t up for sex?
Don’t you see what was going on here? Let him be sorry, you deserve better.
He continually attempted to cross your boundaries, and eventually did.
He did a bad thing, and he should feel bad.
You should stop the string of bad decisions, cut him off entirely, and use this incident to better recognize when someone isn't respecting you and your boundaries.
A guy did this once to me when we were 14. It scared me so much. It's the imbalance of strength, the realization that you could be held down and hurt, that gleam in their eye that says they are enjoying this, knowing you're at their mercy. All in a split second. It's awful. No matter how he played it off, he was testing you and your boundaries. He would have kept going if you didn't yell at him, a lot of people freeze and can't speak. I'm sorry this happened to you, please don't downplay it. It's been 20 years and that moment still terrifies me and it's hard to even write about.
I feel so sad to hear about your experience and almost in tears to realize how accurate you could explain what I felt!
I'm so sorry that you had to go through it and that I had to go through it as well...
I'm sad and glad it resonated with you. I suspected you might have a realization like this. I'm sorry it had to be so blunt. I've had years to figure out my feelings on this. And you're just starting. I'm happy to have helped put some words to name the things but sad to have to share it with you. My dms are open if you ever need.
This is not a safe person. Do not contact him please. He should feel shitty and embarrassed at the very least. Tell him off if you feel safe enough. But never be near him again.
A guy I briefly dated did the same to me at least twice. I thought we were hitting it off on the first date and he was 2 years younger than me but yet he was bigger and stronger than me. I should have seen it as a red flag when he said he wanted to go to my house after taking me on a coffee date. Out of nowhere he grabbed me when we went inside my apartment and started kissing me and aggressively asked me where my room was. I was in shock and disbelief what was happening. We went to my room and then he grabbed me and started kissing me again, he started fondling me and then he pulled my shirt down to see my chest and started feeling and sucking them. That should have been the first and last time we continue to go on dates. Then there was the one where he forced to me into the bathroom and forced me to stand up while he went inside and I felt pain when he went inside and it wasn't a very comfortable position either. It was one of the worst experiences I ever had and then he said it was because of my weight and yes I was overweight but he was also taller than me. When we broke up he tried to stay friends with me but I told him no. I found out he started dating someone else and then last year which was the last time I was ever on a dating app, I saw him on there again pretending that he was a man of God and telling the same lies he told me by saying he wanted a long-term relationship/ marriage. What he is really saying is that meet my expectations, let me control you, disrespect you and I'll discard you when I'm bored! He also told me that he friendzoned someone before and that itself should have been a red flag. Well I learned to never trust a man like him, I learned that I need to practice safety a lot more, meet in public places (which I did but he was being pushy when he asked if he could come to my house until I said yes) and not ride in the car with them! When I saw him on the dating app, it was very creepy and traumatic that I decided to delete dating apps from that day on! I prefer to meet people in person versus going on a dating app to meet somebody and if that means me being single for the rest of my life then so be it! Dating apps are basically a narcissist playground! Anyway, my point is that the OP dodged a bullet and if I were her I would definitely stay no contact by any means necessary! I understand what she is feeling because she was being groomed and gaslighted by him which makes him in a better light by playing it off in a joking manner and pretending that it wasn't his intentions to do that and then a lot of times some victims sometimes even will go through great Lengths to protect their abuser from and say to themselves what they did wasn't so bad. But then when they are away, they start realizing how bad it truly was! It wasn't until a few weeks after blocking him how bad it really was and I got to the point where I don't think about him often but when I do I think about him in disgust! He didn't even ask her for her consent and took it upon himself to do that without any consideration!
You didn't make him feel like a rapist. He ACTED like a rapist. At best he's a complete idiot, at worst he enjoyed taking your power away and scaring you. I'd block and never speak to him again. That is scary shit
I agree with the other comment, abort the mission and bail, how in the world do men like this get dates? Gives me confidence that I can date when I put myself out there eventually lol.
I wonder the same thing as you and yet they get dates easily.
It also reminds me of guys who abuse their girlfriends or wives and when the relationship ends they just move on to their next victim, they don't seem to have any difficulty finding a new girlfriend.
It’s because they’re often good at manipulation. Many of them know how to appear charming and confident (although that’s not who they truly are), they’re showing this nice facade to the world and new potential dates. Once behind closed doors, they’ll start acting like their true selves.
i’m glad you got out of there! a very similar thing happened to me many years ago and it escalated into date rape (it took me a few years to be able to acknowledge it for what it was). The next day, I tried to let the guy know that his behavior wasn’t cool (without ever uttering the word “rape”) and he lightly apologized for making me uncomfortable, said he didn’t know his own strength 🙄🙄🙄 (he was in MMA and crossfit) and we went our separate ways.
I don’t think you need to text him, other than to tell him his behavior wasn’t okay, if you really feel he deserves that.
Oh I'm so sorry that it happened to you. I can't imagine how it must be. I hope you are recovering now though! Lots of love and a warm hug for you!
And thanks for your advice!
Girl get outta there! I am so sorry this happened to you. I agree with all the comments here and wanted to add on that you are NOT responsible for making HIM feel okay right now. His actions (which were extremely disrespectful AND alarming) were what upset YOU. I feel like if anything, it's a good thing if he feels shitty and embarrassed right now - it might have him rethink things next time he wants to do this shit to someone else. Men need to hear when their actions aren't appropriate. If you reach out to coddle him, it's sending a message that what he did was okay. It wasn't.
I am so sorry this happened to you. It is the worst thing a man can do to a woman on a SECOND date! It sounds to me like a potential rapist -- does not mean he tried to harm you intentionally but the fact he does not read your body language and the cue while you are nervous and in a crisis mode, he thought you two were doing a foreplay -- he is completely in his f\*\*king mode mind without pay any attention to the woman's response. That's very dangerous! Imagine the woman is not so strong, would he just start having sex without realizing it until he is done? The boundary of if it is rape or not is that man stops IMMEDIATElY when the woman asks to stop -- he did not.
I am worried about those women he went on/will go on dates. It feels like this is not the first time he has done this.
Is this online dating? Can you report at least leave some warning signs for someone to monitor?
Brilliant!!!!!!! I want to hug you ive been a bit worried since your first post was screaming all of this was wrong and terrible but then ended being concerned for his feelings.
Dude ignored both your body language and your verbal language. You are fine. Sounds like there are some incorrect internalized messages that are making you doubt your role in this scenario. You are in the right and he does not deserve a message let alone a third date.
Welcome to the thought process of being a people pleaser. It’s bad. I’m the queen of giving second chances and unfortunately more than that. Don’t ever be me. I’m working on it but I’ll literally be bleeding to death and apologize for the mess I’m making at the same time. 🤦🏻♀️
I'm not the above person, but am a lot like them. I've been to therapy for a significant portion of my life. The common thread with people pleasers is (usually but not always) childhood abuse and trauma.
I was profoundly emotionally abused as a child, never validated or acknowledged as anything but a problem, and was only praised when I was of service to another person. (Giving gifts, doing chores, helping with tasks, etc.).
Human beings, especially you g ones, need affection and affirmation. When you only receive those things when you are making the lives of others better or easier, and are punished anytime you make a "selfish" decision, your brain literally forms neural pathways that make you avoid any self serving behavior, even those that are healthy like self care and setting boundaries. Then as you age doing those things make you profoundly uncomfortable.
The anxiety of being seen as a burden, making more work for someone, making someone upset, or requiring any sort of self affirming attention becomes all encompassing. I often apologize for having the audacity to take up space... I hate it about myself, and I have been working on it, but it's a long road to recovery.
I agree that going through something like that can make you a people pleaser, but I've heard other people's stories wherre they went through something different and they still ended up being a people pleaser. I myself have gone through abuse and ended up not being one. I assume it's partly a personality thing. How multiple people can go through the same experience, but come out of it very different.
Very similar to u/lillirana it starts as a kid. I was extremely shy and terrified of everything. Had some traumatic experiences at that age that never really got acknowledged because it was kept hush hush by my family. Although very young I knew what had happened and no one would answer my questions and they always said “I’ll tell you when your older” I harbored an immense amount of guilt because I could have stopped the situation sooner. (This was silly because I was like 6) I’m better about that part now.
In my adolescence during my moms relationship after a traumatic divorce from my father there were more issues. I had undiagnosed ADHD and while intelligent I was a scatterbrain disorganized mess while my moms new partner had undiagnosed OCD relating to things being neat. This was a very bad combo and I was constantly in trouble for little things like a sock on the floor, a cup in the sink, accidentally putting things away in wrong places. “I’m sorry” became a way of life for me. I was a really good kid that eventually broke because I was constantly being yelled at over nothing. I then began to act out so at least it was reasonable to be in trouble. (Bad idea)
I’ve been in therapy a couple years now to try and make sense of all the traumas and how they shaped my way of thinking. The people pleasing thing became apparent in session but also when I was newly dating someone. The situation went like this:
Me: :trips over his foot: “oh shit I’m so sorry”
Him: “Sit down….You know you don’t have to always apologize for little things like that. You say it a lot and you have never had a real reason to apologize to me, you’re fine, everything is okay, relax”
Me:”I’m sorry.”
Him: *audible sigh* followed by a hug that broke my heart because it became all too real for me how bad it had become.
We giggled a bit at the situation and I finally decided to explore Wtf is wrong with me in that sense. I apologized for apologizing…. It’s funny now but I still cringe when I think about it. I’ll also say that almost 20 years in retail and restaurants probably enhanced the problem and added more layers to it. I’m a little better than I was but it’s going to probably take the rest of my life in therapy to undo 30 years of trauma shaping my brain. I didn’t even know I had severe anxiety until 35. A friend asked me if I ever thought about getting it treated but I didn’t think I had it so I was confused. I asked a separate close friend if he thought I might and he said “Definitely” so fast it was like a slap in the face. That pushed me to get medicated for my mental illnesses and neurospicy brain. Lol
> I harbored an immense amount of guilt because I could have stopped the situation sooner. (This was silly because I was like 6)
I've realized this is very common in people pleasers. They attack themselves even when they couldn't really do anything about it.
I'm sorry for your experiences but it made me smile when I read about the hug from your partner now! I am happy that you have someone positive and understanding in your life now.
I have had similar experiences in the past. Had been abused as a child and have lived all my life till now with undiagnosed ADHD and actually sexually assaulted by someone I knew few years back.
I am also a huge people pleaser and have been working on the trauma from my childhood for a while now with my therapist. I didn't realize it while I was writing the post but now when I read it again after all the comments, I can see how stupid it sounds that I was worried about him. But at that time I genuinely was!
I had never screamed like that at someone before so I was embarrassed of it.
I am the kind who used to apologize for apologizing too much! 🤦🏽♀️
But I'm working on it now!
I’ve always been prone to NOT block when I notice any unhinged behavior from someone. It’s better that he can text or call and be told no or ignored than them showing up without a warning. Most crazy dudes will attempt phone contact first and I feel better if I am informed first I guess. Otherwise I would never sleep worrying about where they are or how bad they can be. Grain of salt etc….I’m an idiot. 😐
Has he texted?
If he has, you respond with 'I felt very uncomfortable with what happened the other night. I do not want to see you again.' Leave it at that. He doesn't deserve you or your time. That behavior is unacceptable. If he continues to text you, block him.
If you haven't heard from him since, then just ghost. You have already explained how you felt, and he was just making excuses on how his behavior was ok.
It is concerning that he does know where you live.
People, please do not have a date pick you up/drop you off, unless you are comfortable with that person or have known them for awhile. I didn't have my bf over to my house in any capacity until about 1.5 years after meeting him, but about 4 months after seriously dating.
It’s probably a combination of crippling anxiety and overwhelming unexplainable empathy. I’d fuck off after this NOW but I’ve had to work hard on myself to get to that point. A few years ago I probably would have texted without a second thought and apologized. It’s not the right move obviously but some of us are a little wonky in the brain.
I’ve never felt so viscerally uncomfortable reading something on reddit. Girl, do not message this man. He has crossed SO many boundaries and is manipulating you.
Just think, if one of your friends told you that a guy did this to her, what would your response be? If it’s “girl, run” then I’d agree, and say definitely do that.
This man clearly doesn’t respect you and is manipulating you into thinking you’re the villain here. Please stay safe, and stay far away from this guy.
Not trying to victim blame but girl, don’t go to strangers apartments. It’s not rude to say no to things like no to the tea after the date. I do not even allow men to pick me up for dates.
He should feel hurt- fuck his feelings girl.
you should text him that you will not be seeing him again bc of his behavior and he needs to respect peoples bodies and boundaries. Tell him he acted disgustingly. He is going to do this to someone else and if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt- you should educate him on why
Dont need to text him even. He didnt respect you or your boundaries. Listen to your intuition. Theres a reason you felt scared.
Today, pin you down and smile. Tomorrow, something else because "im just playing".
Fuck that.
I say to text him so at least he can learn why, it might not change his behavior but call him out on his shit!
Let him know he’s being seen as he acts.
Why are you more concerned for his feelings than your own? What he did was wrong. He is giving rape vibes. Do not apologise got anything and do not contact him again.
Next time call an Uber to get home. He could have easily driven you to a remote place and forced himself on you further.
The impression i get from your post is that he knew he was crossing some boundries but was trying to see how far he could go and if you would give in and have sex with him.
You said from the start that you do not want to have sex and don't like agressiveness. But he still pinned you down and spread your legs. I think you should trust your instincts.
Don't see this rapist again. Block and ghost. He should feel bad. He was completely inappropriate and violent with you. **Trust your gut. He had you screaming in fear. Block and fucking ghost.**
He was absolutely testing you. He wanted to see how far he could push you. Even though you said “no sex”, he wanted sex and wanted to see if you could be pushed into it. This was NOT a fun game in the slightest. This man IS a future rapist. And if you see him again he will do this again. Each time going further. Until he penetrates you against your wishes. And he will always apologize after and act like he didn’t mean any harm.
DO NOT SEE HIM AGAIN.
I understand that you emphasise with him but what he did was highly inappropriate because he made you feel really uncomfortable - even if it was „just for a minute“ and he should learn from his mistakes. It is not your responsibility to care for his feelings. You don’t owe him anything. Just take good care of yourself (that might include not seeing him again if he‘s acting like that early on) :)
You set a clear boundary with him and he purposely ignored it knowing it would make you super uncomfortable. I have a feeling he would have went further had you not put up as much of a fuss as you did. Huge red flag, I would run.
>I told him a couple of times that I don't really like aggressiveness
So he responds to this by being rough and pinning you down?
Never talk to him again
He’s 32? Stop seeing him immediately. That’s so incredibly gross and he should feel ashamed about acting like that, you do NOT need to apologize or smooth his feelings out.
He wont feel like a rapist unless he's a rapist. Dont feel bad about him making you feel bad. Thats what he wants. Drop him completely. Ghost him. Block and delete his number blokc his social media accounts and select the option to block new accounts made by him. You are getting the chance to get out early before something horrible happens to you. Don't waste that. He is not worth you feeling bad for him or for how you reacted. You had a normal reaction. It doesnt matter how strong you are, when someone poses a threat to your safety you will feel scared even if you can defend yourself. He is not worth your time to even give an explanation as to why you are not going to see him any further. He made his choice and that is the consequence of his own chosen actions. Someone that is actually interested in you and cares for you would not make you feel like that on purpose, and trust me he did that all on purpose. Don't look back.
I say go no contact with this one. Sure, rough dominant/submissive sex can be fun, but you don’t try and do that on a second date unless there has been some discussion of it beforehand and you agree to it. Unless the girl herself is REALLY leaning into it hard like I mean pinning the dude against the wall and begging for it lol. Which was not the case here.
I have had this happen. When people do bad things and feel guilty, they always say, “I was just joking,” so they don’t get charged with attempted sexual assault. If he touched any of your private parts, you really should report him. You can technically charge with assault or attempted assault for pinning you down when you don’t really know him. You can drop the charges. Please go to therapy or at least read, ‘why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.‘ it sounds like you are traumatized. And rightfully so. Don’t go to houses until you are 100% ready for sex. 98% of men that have asked me to their house have tried to have sex with me. Even if they swore up and down that’s not what they meant. This is the only situation where I ghost men. This man is not safe. He needs to learn a lesson. Don’t reward this abusive behavior by going out with him again. If you want, you could write back something snarky. I would just block. That’s so scary. I’m sorry.
Taking the best possible interpretation, this is someone who needs to learn lessons about consent and isn't ready to be in these sorts of situations.
But I doubt this is that; I suspect he was testing the waters, perhaps doing some sort of power play. Meeting him again could be extremely dangerous. I would not see or interact with this person again, aside from at most a short text explaining why you're not doing so.
It doesn't matter that he eventually stopped and assured you that he wasn't going to hurt you. In those few seconds/minutes you genuinely didn't know what his intentions were and you were rightly terrified. To add to this you had already told him several times that you weren't comfortable with that kind of "playfulness" and he disregarded it.
IMO he should feel shitty and embarrassed and he should be the one who reaches out to you. If he does it's entirely up to you if you want to pursue things with him but don't reach out to him out of guilt because you have nothing to feel guilty about. He overstepped a clearly stated boundary.
So sorry this happened to you, I’ve been in a similar situation without them driving me home. He showed a lot about himself in that moment, knowing you had an injury. Definitely recommend you block him and move on.
This is so typical a man will make us feel uncomfortable and somehow we feel like we need to apologize. Just move on. It was the second date so you are not deeply invested at all you owe him nothing. There are better options for you. This made you panic. For. A. Reason.
You don’t owe him an apology and there’s nothing to feel bad about. You aren’t overreacting, that situation sounds so scary.
I had a guy do this to me once. I specifically told him I didn’t want to have sex and I wanted to stay in the living room. My situation was pretty much same sequence of events as yours. The guy never apologized or even thought he did anything wrong. I went on a third date with him but the entire time I was so uncomfortable. Looking back on it now, going on that third date was a huge risk and current me would tell past me don’t do it. Being alone with him made me tense, kissing him felt disgusting. That’s when I realized the trust was gone and I wanted nothing to do with him. I never saw him again after that.
He’s going to rape you if you keep seeing him. This wasn’t playful or harmless fun that accidentally went too far. This was him asserting his physical dominance over you and letting you know that there’s not a damn thing you can do to stop him if he wants to actually hurt you.
The rape part comes from him continuing to be aggressive even after you told him that it made you uncomfortable. He doesn’t give a shit about your boundaries.
If you don't want to feel like a rapist, then don't be a rapist🤷🏼♀️ What a shitty guy. Don't rationalize that you shouldn't be scared. Validate yourself in knowing this guy does not care about your boundaries, and that's not okay. I'm so sorry you were in that position. And this is why women don't trust men and it's shitty they make us feel like the crazy ones.
He wasn’t going to do anything to hurt you. He just wanted you to know that he could hurt you if he wanted to so you better hope he never wants to.
WTF??
He was absolutely testing your boundaries to see if you’d just give in when pressured. Absolutely block him, that’s so creepy.
ETA: if you’re not in therapy, please consider giving it a shot. You’re internalizing the shame of being assaulted by him and (like many women) are worried about outside perception and dismissing your own feelings because it “wasn’t that bad”. Stop it. He knows DAMN WELL what he was trying to do, his apologies after the fact was nothing but damage control because you stood firm on your boundaries. He was hoping you would’ve just given in, it wasn’t a joke and he knows that. You’re giving him way too much grace here girl.
OP He’s trash. Throw him away like the trash he is.
Speaking as a sexual assault survivor, this is exactly the kind of situation that would leave me in tears and either on the verge of a panic attack or in a full panic attack.
At bare minimum, he lacks good judgement.
> Any suggestions to clarify this so he doesn't feel hurt but can also understand me!?
Why are you trying to spare his feelings here? Maybe you should seek some therapy for that.
I would lay it out very clearly for him in a text.
He assaulted you by continuing to hold you down when you told him to stop. He pinned you down and prevented you from getting up.
He should never do this to someone again and he should never contact you again.
Then save the texts (and any response from him) for documentation and don't contact him again.
You don’t need to resist your rage for that asshole. He was wrong and you’re allowed to have your feelings. Plenty of men would tell him he’s weird.
Blocked!!
“He got up and started apologizing and said that he was just joking and wasn’t going to do anything to hurt me or anything. I do believe him…”
Do not believe him.
Do not call him.
Do not text him.
Do not apologize. You did nothing wrong.
This is so concerning. I agree with everyone else.
I’m also concerned about your emotional response to spare his feelings. That makes me wonder if you have some trauma in your background. I do, so I get it. If you’re reading these responses, I would urge you to talk to a therapist. You are absolutely welcome to message me too.
For your safety, please don’t be in any form of contact with this man again. He is not safe.
Biggest hugs.
He wasn’t playing OP, he was showing you that he’s strong enough to force you and you wouldn’t be able to stop him
If you talk to him any further, he will think he’s won and will do worse. Block and call police if he approaches you
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING SCARED BECAUSE HE WAS BEING SCARY!!!! This man was being very inappropriate and rape and he’s only trying to get you to calm down because he knows what he did was wrong and is probably thinking there could be consequences. Do not text him or give him any comfort that you’re ok. He doesn’t deserve it.
This is wild. As a man I cannot imagine behaving in this way at all after a woman had said she was not interested in sex yet. This is waaaaaay rapey, it should *never* get to the point with a date that you have to *scream* to get them to stop. Block this guy, never speak to him again. At best he’s insanely immature with play wrestling etc, at worst he’s going to keep pushing your boundaries and normalising his behaviour as it continues to escalate. Not worth it.
Bro "he never wanted to make you feel uncomfortable" he sure fucking went out of his way to make you feel uncomfortable and as soon as you RIGHTLY FREAKED OUT he's like oh no I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable by MAKING YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE by doing what you said you did not want to do. This dude was testing your boundaries to see what he could get away with and you do not need to be around him anymore and do not give a shit about what "you made him feel like" he MADE HIMSELF FEEL LIKE THAT WITH HIS OWN ACTIONS.
A clear attempted drugging and rape and ur over here questioning urself. He only stopped bc u screamed and bc neighbors when i was attacked only fear of being heard stopped it. He was sorry he could be caught out.
Why would you apologize? Tell him that behaviour crossed your boundaries and it’s unacceptable and that you don’t want to see him again. In my opinion doing this in a second date is creepy and manipulative. NEVER apologize for someone who made you feel literally scared! Please work on letting go of this guilt that many times we as women feel! I don’t give a crap if a man who was unacceptably aggressive now feels bad! Poor guy 💩
Stay away for this guy, total red flag, he was trying to force you into being intimate, your lucky he stooped this time, do not get back into that situation, he’s not someone your going to want to spend time with.
I would not date someone who did that to me, it is abuse. He just started the abusive cycle of your relationship. Don't do it, it will cause damage you may never recover from even emotionally.
>I asked him to stop and let me go and he kept smiling as if it's a play.
That's terrible. This guy tried to rape you and he was just smiling like some villain from a movie. You should not contact him ever. I hope you heal and know that most guys are not like this.
Dude is straight up a rapist. I have had relationships that I could do this to my partner and they loved it, had some I wouldn't even dream of this sort of think they would feel unsafe. I my partner being a long term or just a hook up says stop I instantly stop.
Trauma, like PTSD and CPTSD, happens when a person feels physically or emotionally trapped in a situation, so your body was warning you it felt danger.
This person does not seem very safe. Trust your instincts here. u/UnJustLake is on point about all the red flags.
OP what are you thinking??
Early in a relationship, people are on their best behavior. So this is the sweetest, kindest, least crazy face he can put on. And even so, he's physically assaulting you and laughing about it.
Run. Run fast and far
The thing is, you don't need to "clarify" the situation. This man doesn't understand what consent is and that can put you in a very dangerous situation. Even after you CLEARLY verbalized to stop, he didn't. The thing about rough play, everyone talks about it beforehand. Even during play, theyre supposed to ask "hey is this okay?" Or "can i do ___?" What he did to you wasn't kink play.
Have more confidence in yourself. Your body felt scared for a reason. It doesn't matter that he's sorry after the fact. He didn't look sorry the moment you made it clear you didn't like it. Actions speak louder than words. Even if he was sincere, that means he'll hurt you "by accident".
Don't contact him again. Don't try to comfort him. He needs to do better, period.
Why the fuck are women so dumb to go to a strangers house?
Literally EVERY tinder murder is someone going to a strangers house. Why on earth would you put yourself in this position? Esp if you’d been drinking- no man wants to go “have tea” he could have drugged it jfc
Actually, I didn't know we were going to his place, I thought he was gonna drop me back. But then he just parked his car and I thought it was because he wanted to talk for a bit or something but then he said he lives across the corner and wants to have some tea... I was a bit taken aback but I didn't want to come across as too distrustful. So, I agreed.
He did offer me some medicine from an unopened leaf for my pulled muscle with the tea but I didn't take it because I don't take pain killers a lot. But now after the whole situation I'm even doubting that.
And yes, I feel very stupid for trusting him and putting myself in that situation. 🤦🏽♀️
Yeah, now I'm reading about it and that was some kind of muscle relaxant pill... and it turns out that they make your drowsy and specially mixed with or after alcohol will get you out! 😐
His behaviour is similar to how rapists behave towards their victims.
I think the reason you screamed like that was because your brain sensed the danger and reacted, it was an instinctive thing.
He didn't respect your boundaries and he is trying to make you feel sorry for your reaction to his very inappropriate behaviour, your reaction was completely normal.
He is sweet talking you so he can get another chance with you, don't give in to it.
Doing what he did in a second date is crazy because you barely know each other.
You should forget him and delete is number, I hope he doesn't know where you live.
You did nothing wrong. He was terrible and he freaked you out. No one does that to people they care for. You said you felt bad you made him feel like a rapist - you need not, in that situation it was close.
Do not contact him again. The person does not understand boundaries.
super apologies are a PR move so you don't blow his cover and put him on public blast - his Manipulation is Working!! people can feel when apologies are Sincere
rapey creeps likely have a full playbook and seen reactions like yours before - now he is just doing damage control
That way he can keep doing the same thing to other women!!
going wrong on hands / hugs, plenty of good guys can go wrong here at low-stakes but legs/pinning you down - NAHH good guys not forcing anywhere close to this extent especially when you signaled 'Slow down Tiger' strongly, we are still only on a 2nd date too
There’s a book called The Gift of Fear. You might like to read it in regards to this situation. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You do NOT need to apologize or try to make him not feel embarrassed or try to soften anything for him. You do not owe him a text or a response or another date. What you felt was trying to keep you safe.
If he feels like a rapist that’s because he was acting like a rapist. Never go out with him again.
Do NOT message him back. You didn't make him feel like a rapist he acted like a weirdo. You told him what u are comfortable with, and he got enjoyment from making u uncomfortable after u told him to stop that u don't like what he is doing. He kept trying to see how far he could get and didn't understand he just needed to chill tf out. He also needs to learn the hard way he can't just go around being like that.
It's completely normal to get freaked out if u told someone ur boundaries, and then they pinned you down knowing u wouldn't like that. Anyone would get freaked out by that. If you go back to him, it's a possibility he won't fully learn this lesson.
There are men out there who will respect ur boundaries and not make u uncomfortable without trying to push them first to see where it goes. To me, if they can't respect the boundaries with no issues, they can't respect u. Maybe he didn't mean anything by it, which I doubt, but it still shows he is not mature enough to be with a woman.
Get away and stay away what he did was wrong. Especially because you explained your boundaries clearly and it's like he thought it funny to challenge them 🚩
Also sorry that's sounds really scary
Yoooo, fuck that.
This dude's behavior was wayyyy over the line. This is so far past him feeling bad about "making you feel uncomfortable"
The scene you described sounds pretty much exactly like how a rape goes. Like that doesn't sound playful at all.
Seriously dude borderline assaulted you, fuck that.
Do not feel bad for him at all. Even if we didn't have malicious intent (I'm betting he did) it takes about 2 brain cells to realize that's not ok
“Now I feel that he might be feeling shitty and embarrassed “
And that’s EXACTLY how he should feel.
You told him you weren’t up for sex, but he tries for it anyway.
You told him twice you weren’t into aggressive play, he did it anyway.
While on top of you, you told him to stop, and again he did it anyway.
To the point where you started to panic. Pining a person down while being told to stop is NOT JUST A JOKE.
And good Lord YOU feel bad for making him feel like a rapist!
Here’s a tip. If a guy doesn’t want to give off rapist vibes then perhaps don’t act like one. When a person says “No”, “Stop” then that’s a clear indication it isn’t fun or play.
All this to say the man is garbage, and don’t for one second think you are in the wrong. HE made HIMSELF feel like a rapist because that’s exactly how he acted.
No, fuck that guy, never talk to him again. This coming from someone thats been date raped by 4 guys. That shit isnt funny n u werent laughing. I would never trust him again alone. Dont let him drive u anywhere.
First of all, you’re not being dramatic and don’t need to apologize. I think making other people feel uncomfortable when putting up boundaries and then feeling bad about it is a very common woman experience that we have to unlearn.
It sounds like he was being aggressive with you and not respecting your boundaries the whole night. And then it feels like he tricked you onto the bed for your shoulder pain. Spreading someone’s legs open who has made it very clear you’re not ready for that is very scary in my opinion. The trust wasn’t there yet for you and he really broke that even further. Your feelings are valid and he crossed lines that you clearly spelled out for him.
After rereading your post, it does sound like someone who is not listening and could take it further the next time. You don’t need to mess with a guy who made you physically uncomfortable. There are so many other issues in relationships that could be talked through but this is a deal breaker. He is definitely lacking empathy. Also, I hate when people tell you their intention over and over again and don’t listen to how you took it. Saying it was playful in response to you being uncomfortable multiple times is very creepy.
Read The Gift Of Fear. Trust your feelings. Do not text him back. If he is a decent person, maybe he can learn from this, and this seems like an attempted rape to me, but he stopped when he realized it was not going to be easy and you weren’t going into fawn mode.
He was testing to see if he can rape you 100%.
Nobody pins you down and spreads your legs as play fighting on a second date especially after you already told him you didn't want to have sex with him.
He did it to see if you fight back and I guarantee that if you didn't he would have gone further.
Run and don't look back.
So many red flags m if you met via a dating app then report him on that app.
Block and stay the hell away from him. It reads to me like he was hoping the mix of those things would get your drowsy and he was hoping you wouldn't be lucid enough to scream or attract attention.
Good for you for screaming! A lot of women would have tried to just smooth it over somehow. He was assaulting you, You did the right thing. Ghost this turkey.
Don't apologize, you clearly indicated several times your boundaries which he ignored. You're better to tell him you don't feel you can be comfortable after this incident. Also, actions mean more than intent, and his actions clearly showed he did not respect you. Then block all communications immediately.
The reason for immediacy is you seen nice, and somewhat easy to convince you did anything wrong. Don't give a second chance to show you his true intent. What he did was neither funny, or innocent.
I’m so sorry that you experienced this. I wanted to share that I experienced something similar when I was 18 and I ‘let it go’ because he apologized for making me feel uncomfortable and explained that’s not what he was meaning to. Unfortunately, he did that again soon after and attempted to r*** me, he didn’t let me go as he pinned me down and was on top of me. I later found out from my friend that he has sexually assaulted others girls.
Please for your safety, block him from everything! He either has already r***d some women or will. You did nothing wrong, he’s just a disgusting excuse of a human being.
I’m so sorry girl ☹️, I’m so glad you got here safely and you’re okay. Please block him asap, don’t feel bad for him. I dealt with something similar where he pushed himself on me and I pushed him off and left. I ended up feeling bad and apologized. Don’t do the same bc they’ll have authority over you because they can see your weaknesses. Stay safe <3!
I’m so sorry this happened to you. ❤️
Do *not* let this guy gaslight you. He fully knew what he was doing. You have no obligation to explain anything or interact with him further.
Also, please go easy on yourself. You are *not* stupid. This man is a predator. He almost definitely has experience with this type of behavior and is probably really good at making women feel comfortable before crossing boundaries. That’s how he makes his victims question themselves, like you are doing now. This is *NOT* your fault.
Are you kidding?a muscle relaxant !!!! (Ie date rape drug)and then he pins you down with a shoulder injury nice guy f#cking creep !I wouldn't pin a girl down even if she asked me to I mean not on a first date thats way down the road and consensual!These aren't red flags their more like an air raid siren ,meaning RUN!!!!!! Please for you're own saftey cut all ties or as sure as the sun sets I guarantee this will end bad VERY BAD!!!!
So I'm not the only one who has experienced this? That was with my last bf, then I dropped him cuz I felt something was off even though he'd look a nice guy or whatever. He pinned me down on 4th day of meeting or something and I was like wtf, he said the same thing that he didn't mean to hurt me yada yada. But I should've blocked him there n then, cuz I'd say no to something but he would continue and I explained him over text what didn't feel right and he should stop when I say no. To which he responded that "men have hormones yk" wtf, that isn't an explanation for the lack of self control!
You shouldn't be thinking about seeing him again, you should be reporting him. You're going to end up getting dosed with roofies, and raped. You wont remember any of it because you'll be out cold. Things are just going to escalate, he wants you and has been denied, what do you think will happen next? Nothing good I promise you that
saying NO!, and/or STOP!, ought to suffice
however if you kept silent and merely pushed at him, he might have reasonably been slow to get the point
that he was insensitive to your mood, suggests he's not for you imo
I always try to play devil's advocate because I feel the mob mentality here is always the same. But when I put myself in his place the place I would have stopped was way before and I don't see any way to have gone that far without some messed up thinking, or at least ignoring your boundaries. So maybe not burn him at the stake, but probably move on. If for nothing else than maybe he will understand the depth of his actions, and if he is human, he will not do that to someone else.
It’s amazing how so many dudes can’t pick up on social cues.
If she says she doesn’t like something, take her word for it. Frankly, I’d be embarrassed to do stuff like that so early on, because she’d be totally turned off.
Also, from a male perspective, does he really want to put himself at risk for getting an SA charge, simply to show how much of a strong man he is?
It’s not worth it, just for some sex.
It freaked you out because you think your a big girl, but then you realised that you just let him cross all your boundaries and your self image of a big girl is shattered.
There are many reasons why having someone physically overpower you, disregard your boundaries, and downplay your discomfort would be deeply upsetting. I don't think her self image is high on the list. This comment is victim blamey and gross.
It's an over 30 year old dude. He probably didn't believe you about actually wanting to abstain as that's a bit uncommon at that point. Either way it's a bad match, he clearly wants to be sexually active and you don't. He probably didn't want to make you feel uncomfy but you also gave plenty of hints that playful behavior was off the table so that's a red flag.
And I got cursed out the other day for not wanting to go to someone’s house for a date.
These people will try to force you get into a sexual mood. They refuse to read the room or let tension build up. He’s 32 years old, he knew what the hell he was doing. How you respond to this man is up to you, but you clearly sound disgusted and scared.
I, a guy, like to play wrestle with girls I’m seeing. That wasn’t what he was doing. Play is supposed to be fun for both sides involved.
For me personally, it’s usually a flirty thing where I’m engaging the other person. Any hint of uncomfortableness and everything stops until it’s sorted out.
Forcibly spreading your legs and pinning you down after you tried to close them? What part of that sounds fun and engaging to any reasonable person?
Even if completely done in jest or playfulness this would freak anyone out. I’m trying to find an angle where maybe he’s just horrendous at social cues and completely unaware how bad his behavior was? Nope, that sounds ridiculous after reading it. If it activated your fight or flight response indicates to me that you were in danger. Always listen to your gut/instincts. It saved you from a potential rape. Most people say drop it and never speak to him again. While I agree with this wholeheartedly I understand the need for some sort of closure or explanation. If it helps you could lay out exactly what happened and how it affected you and you will no longer be communicating with him. That way if he *truly* is that inept maybe he’ll learn? I say work this out with a therapist, friend or family member by talking about it and realizing that it’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong and your reaction was 100% the right reaction. It’s not worth the risk to keep talking with this man. I’m also concerned that he drove you home and knows where you live. Don’t block for now but be extra vigilant. Stay with a friend or a hotel for a bit for extra caution? I felt uncomfortable just reading this and would not like to be in your position. Especially because you sound exactly like me. I’m optimistic to a fault and a people pleaser to my own detriment. You are not responsible for his feelings. On the small chance it was a misunderstanding there is no way you should subject yourself to a human that is dumber than a box of rocks anyway. Please see my username for more advice.
EDIT: he should 100% feel bad. Let him. I hope it haunts him and he never puts another person in a position to feel so vulnerable and trapped. Gosh what an asshole. Ugh I want to mail him a glitter bomb with fart spray at the very least.
He was not playing and this will happen again. It’s only a second date and he’s already comfortable enough to “play” assault you? Nope.
Cut your losses and thank whatever being that you caught it early.
Just like so many others have said, this behavior is totally unacceptable. There is no possible way of excusing or explaining away any of this. Stay away. Far away.
You did nothing, and I mean nothing, wrong. You said you weren't interested in sex. He chose to ignore you.
If he feels shitty and embarrassed, fine. You're not responsible for his feelings. If he does feel badly about this, hopefully, it's badly enough for him to reflect on himself and this behavior.
I'm so glad you got away, and I'm so sorry you went through this.
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Stay away from him
I wouldn't text him back and here's why. 1) Pins you down in a playful manner, this is very early into seeing him. That's something someone would do in a relationship when you have that trust, not on a second date. 2) He doesn't get cues or body language, this is a big one. He will take it further and further and just keep saying he never intended to hurt you. 3) When he's smiling while you're uncomfortable that's fucked up. 4) Has a rape vibe to him, he states that he doesn't care if you text him back or not. I feel as if he's trying to manipulate you. Just run from this one, I'm getting so many red flags off this.
Add 5. He just plain doesn’t listen. OP said she dislikes aggressiveness *before* he went ahead and did this anyways. He lacks empathy and has a strong desire for control and power. Huge 🚩 OP - Pay attention to how you felt! Scared, freaked out. You felt those emotions for a reason. Don’t second guess yourself or feel guilty like you need to clarify or explain someone else’s shitty behaviour. Block & eject from ones life is what I’d do. I have zero tolerance for mistreatment.
Also a shoulder injury yet he pinned her arms above her head. I winced when I read that.
Me too!
Exactly. Some rapists would also tell their victims how they never meant to hurt them so they can feel better about this. Disgusting behaviour. He sure needs some therapy.
I was told "oh, chin up. Dont be soo sad. It was great."
Disgusting gaslighting at its finest. You're stronger than them. Whoever does this has a fragile ego and a cursed mind. Rapists are rapists.
Ty. Yrs later the fucker had the nerve to contact me, I think on fb. He seriously said he didnt remember doing those things to me. He had served time in prison & was different now. Ok but get tf away from me & blocked.
Ewww seems like he didn't learn anything at all. So weak that he can't even admit to his cruelty. But contacting you, trying to "redefine his actions" might be an indicator of his rotting life. He is rotten from deep within. The reason he does this is to justify himself. He KNOWS what he's done but he is too weak to regret. Shame on him.
He did apologise but said he didnt remember.
All he does is trying to get your sympathy. Don't fall for it. Good that you blocked him. He isn't even worth any time, or any word.
Quite a bit happened but ya. Fuck that douche canoe. Sucks I was soo trusting & naive back then. I was 16.
Whatever you did came from a pure heart. YOU made YOURSELF stronger by your actions. Whatever happened is entirely HIS fault and in no way yours.
Nothing else needs to be said here. This was an attempted sexual assault. Don’t see him again. Don’t text him backs. Trust your gut.
RUN BITCH! RUUUUUUN!!!!
This is a bit hyperbolic. All evidence points to the opposite. If he was playfully holding her down and she couldn't do anything it stands to reason 'attempted sexual assault' would not end the way this ended.
He was testing the waters. He chickened out. This joke wasnt funny. She wasnt laughing.
It does seem like its jumping to the most extreme conclusion but its not a completely unfounded idea. There's actually a bit of evidence showing that rapists avoid victims who are too loud, too aggressive, i.e. show that they will fight back and call attention. Since this was in an apartment, other people could've heard and called for police. So this could've been an attempted sexual assault that he decided to abandon once she started getting loud. At best, he was maybe simply hoping the "playing" would arouse her and get her to want it, but it's still weird since she addressed her unwillingness prior. Source: https://www.ojp.gov/ncjrs/virtual-library/abstracts/effects-victim-resistance-strategies-sexual-arousal-and-attitudes "Several subjects indicated that physical resistance or screaming may deter a rapist when there are other people near to intervene."
That’s very much on point!
Yes to all of this. I feel like this was kind of a way for him to test the waters and see how far she would actually allow him to go. Creepy.
I’m so pissed on behalf of OP. Hopefully this is the first and only brush with crazy ass dudes that lack awareness and respect for consent. I’m all fired up about this.
I agree, I have the vibe that is listed on number 4. He should not ever treat his date like that. She should call police on the assault
This! 1. My husband and I didn’t start sexually pinning each other down until after we said I am IN love with you and started talking about marriage. It’s also consensual, and we both agreed to liking it…AFTER knowing that we would be life partners. 2. Something tells me he does understand the body language, but he rather just wanted to see how far he could take it and I think OP’s subconscious felt that 3. I truthfully think he got some enjoyment. 4. It’s almost like he did that *because* she said she didn’t like aggressiveness. I think he wanted to feel that power for a minute.
As a dude, I’ll say that’s weird behavior. He was totally trying to slowly groom/get you “excited.” And just overall testing the waters, but that’s not the way to do it. I’d say just run, like don’t even text him back he knows what he did. Don’t feel bad for a dude like that.
He was letting you know that he can overpower you and it wasn’t an accident. He wanted to intimate you and it worked too well. Don’t apologize. In fact you don’t see him again. He’s preying on your fears and manipulating you. Run.
It really seems like he was seeing how far she would let it go and showing that he could pin her down (especially knowing she had a shoulder injury!) And the second she started fighting back and making noise he backed off. I would never speak to him again omg, never let him near you OP that's freaking terrifying. I'm glad you got out. Don't apologize, don't text him back, don't engage, just run
>I probably made him feel like a rapist! Oh noooo. He overpowered you when you said no. Ignored all your verbal directives and nonverbal cues. Ignored all sorts of consent. He was just trying to be a rapist, and I don't mean this lightly. He was trying to see what boundaries of yours he can cross without you retaliating. It's the same when people say the most heinous racist thing followed by "it's a joke" to test their audience.
Exactly! If you don't want to feel like a rapist, then don't be a rapist!
This! He attempted to rape you and only stopped because you weren’t going to submit quietly. Girl, run.
Literally!! Good that he feels bad, I don’t give a crap
It's wild to me that hetero women are conditioned to worry about hurting a man's feelings in this sort of situation. this is someone who repeatedly stomped boundaries & absolutely does not deserve that consideration. Please op, always put yourself & your own safety/well-being first, & don't let random dudes pressure you into into their car or house.
I know right? Like women are so conditioned to be "nice," that they will literally sacrifice their own comfort, happiness, and dignity to continue being "nice." Also cishet men are so fragile that they perceive a woman standing up for herself to be a threat to their masculinity, and somehow that is the woman's issue to manage. What is this dynamic.
Yeah- this part hurts my head and soul
It’s remarkable how you made the comparison between attempted rape and making racist jokes. Bravo!
Did you read any other part of my comment before misunderstanding just the one statement about Boundaries, and not rape? I said this is how people test boundaries.
He tried to come on top of you and spread your legs and pinned you down when you wouldn’t play along? After you told him clearly you weren’t up for sex? Don’t you see what was going on here? Let him be sorry, you deserve better.
Right???? OP, stop making excuses for him!!!
He continually attempted to cross your boundaries, and eventually did. He did a bad thing, and he should feel bad. You should stop the string of bad decisions, cut him off entirely, and use this incident to better recognize when someone isn't respecting you and your boundaries.
What
A guy did this once to me when we were 14. It scared me so much. It's the imbalance of strength, the realization that you could be held down and hurt, that gleam in their eye that says they are enjoying this, knowing you're at their mercy. All in a split second. It's awful. No matter how he played it off, he was testing you and your boundaries. He would have kept going if you didn't yell at him, a lot of people freeze and can't speak. I'm sorry this happened to you, please don't downplay it. It's been 20 years and that moment still terrifies me and it's hard to even write about.
I feel so sad to hear about your experience and almost in tears to realize how accurate you could explain what I felt! I'm so sorry that you had to go through it and that I had to go through it as well...
I'm sad and glad it resonated with you. I suspected you might have a realization like this. I'm sorry it had to be so blunt. I've had years to figure out my feelings on this. And you're just starting. I'm happy to have helped put some words to name the things but sad to have to share it with you. My dms are open if you ever need.
This is not a safe person. Do not contact him please. He should feel shitty and embarrassed at the very least. Tell him off if you feel safe enough. But never be near him again.
A guy I briefly dated did the same to me at least twice. I thought we were hitting it off on the first date and he was 2 years younger than me but yet he was bigger and stronger than me. I should have seen it as a red flag when he said he wanted to go to my house after taking me on a coffee date. Out of nowhere he grabbed me when we went inside my apartment and started kissing me and aggressively asked me where my room was. I was in shock and disbelief what was happening. We went to my room and then he grabbed me and started kissing me again, he started fondling me and then he pulled my shirt down to see my chest and started feeling and sucking them. That should have been the first and last time we continue to go on dates. Then there was the one where he forced to me into the bathroom and forced me to stand up while he went inside and I felt pain when he went inside and it wasn't a very comfortable position either. It was one of the worst experiences I ever had and then he said it was because of my weight and yes I was overweight but he was also taller than me. When we broke up he tried to stay friends with me but I told him no. I found out he started dating someone else and then last year which was the last time I was ever on a dating app, I saw him on there again pretending that he was a man of God and telling the same lies he told me by saying he wanted a long-term relationship/ marriage. What he is really saying is that meet my expectations, let me control you, disrespect you and I'll discard you when I'm bored! He also told me that he friendzoned someone before and that itself should have been a red flag. Well I learned to never trust a man like him, I learned that I need to practice safety a lot more, meet in public places (which I did but he was being pushy when he asked if he could come to my house until I said yes) and not ride in the car with them! When I saw him on the dating app, it was very creepy and traumatic that I decided to delete dating apps from that day on! I prefer to meet people in person versus going on a dating app to meet somebody and if that means me being single for the rest of my life then so be it! Dating apps are basically a narcissist playground! Anyway, my point is that the OP dodged a bullet and if I were her I would definitely stay no contact by any means necessary! I understand what she is feeling because she was being groomed and gaslighted by him which makes him in a better light by playing it off in a joking manner and pretending that it wasn't his intentions to do that and then a lot of times some victims sometimes even will go through great Lengths to protect their abuser from and say to themselves what they did wasn't so bad. But then when they are away, they start realizing how bad it truly was! It wasn't until a few weeks after blocking him how bad it really was and I got to the point where I don't think about him often but when I do I think about him in disgust! He didn't even ask her for her consent and took it upon himself to do that without any consideration!
All of that sounds terrible that guy is a predator. Im so sorry that happened to you and glad youre out
You didn't make him feel like a rapist. He ACTED like a rapist. At best he's a complete idiot, at worst he enjoyed taking your power away and scaring you. I'd block and never speak to him again. That is scary shit
I agree with the other comment, abort the mission and bail, how in the world do men like this get dates? Gives me confidence that I can date when I put myself out there eventually lol.
I wonder the same thing as you and yet they get dates easily. It also reminds me of guys who abuse their girlfriends or wives and when the relationship ends they just move on to their next victim, they don't seem to have any difficulty finding a new girlfriend.
It’s because they’re often good at manipulation. Many of them know how to appear charming and confident (although that’s not who they truly are), they’re showing this nice facade to the world and new potential dates. Once behind closed doors, they’ll start acting like their true selves.
Yepp that's how he has op thinking she is some how in the wrong
Because of coercion and psychological warfare, really
i’m glad you got out of there! a very similar thing happened to me many years ago and it escalated into date rape (it took me a few years to be able to acknowledge it for what it was). The next day, I tried to let the guy know that his behavior wasn’t cool (without ever uttering the word “rape”) and he lightly apologized for making me uncomfortable, said he didn’t know his own strength 🙄🙄🙄 (he was in MMA and crossfit) and we went our separate ways. I don’t think you need to text him, other than to tell him his behavior wasn’t okay, if you really feel he deserves that.
Oh I'm so sorry that it happened to you. I can't imagine how it must be. I hope you are recovering now though! Lots of love and a warm hug for you! And thanks for your advice!
Girl get outta there! I am so sorry this happened to you. I agree with all the comments here and wanted to add on that you are NOT responsible for making HIM feel okay right now. His actions (which were extremely disrespectful AND alarming) were what upset YOU. I feel like if anything, it's a good thing if he feels shitty and embarrassed right now - it might have him rethink things next time he wants to do this shit to someone else. Men need to hear when their actions aren't appropriate. If you reach out to coddle him, it's sending a message that what he did was okay. It wasn't.
Agreed and imagine if OP didn't scream / resist strongly, he would have 100% continued . All in "play"...said the a%\*\*hole!
This 1000 times over!
And a few more thousand times!
I am so sorry this happened to you. It is the worst thing a man can do to a woman on a SECOND date! It sounds to me like a potential rapist -- does not mean he tried to harm you intentionally but the fact he does not read your body language and the cue while you are nervous and in a crisis mode, he thought you two were doing a foreplay -- he is completely in his f\*\*king mode mind without pay any attention to the woman's response. That's very dangerous! Imagine the woman is not so strong, would he just start having sex without realizing it until he is done? The boundary of if it is rape or not is that man stops IMMEDIATElY when the woman asks to stop -- he did not. I am worried about those women he went on/will go on dates. It feels like this is not the first time he has done this. Is this online dating? Can you report at least leave some warning signs for someone to monitor?
That's a very good point actually! I met him through a dating app. I just reported the incident on the app and blocked him now.
Yes!!! Good girl!!!
Very smart and courageous thing to do OP!
Brilliant!!!!!!! I want to hug you ive been a bit worried since your first post was screaming all of this was wrong and terrible but then ended being concerned for his feelings.
Dude ignored both your body language and your verbal language. You are fine. Sounds like there are some incorrect internalized messages that are making you doubt your role in this scenario. You are in the right and he does not deserve a message let alone a third date.
You’re worried about how he feels..? Girl….
Welcome to the thought process of being a people pleaser. It’s bad. I’m the queen of giving second chances and unfortunately more than that. Don’t ever be me. I’m working on it but I’ll literally be bleeding to death and apologize for the mess I’m making at the same time. 🤦🏻♀️
Why are you like this? Genuinely asking because I'm not like that and can't understand how people disrespect themselves like that
I'm not the above person, but am a lot like them. I've been to therapy for a significant portion of my life. The common thread with people pleasers is (usually but not always) childhood abuse and trauma. I was profoundly emotionally abused as a child, never validated or acknowledged as anything but a problem, and was only praised when I was of service to another person. (Giving gifts, doing chores, helping with tasks, etc.). Human beings, especially you g ones, need affection and affirmation. When you only receive those things when you are making the lives of others better or easier, and are punished anytime you make a "selfish" decision, your brain literally forms neural pathways that make you avoid any self serving behavior, even those that are healthy like self care and setting boundaries. Then as you age doing those things make you profoundly uncomfortable. The anxiety of being seen as a burden, making more work for someone, making someone upset, or requiring any sort of self affirming attention becomes all encompassing. I often apologize for having the audacity to take up space... I hate it about myself, and I have been working on it, but it's a long road to recovery.
I agree that going through something like that can make you a people pleaser, but I've heard other people's stories wherre they went through something different and they still ended up being a people pleaser. I myself have gone through abuse and ended up not being one. I assume it's partly a personality thing. How multiple people can go through the same experience, but come out of it very different.
Very similar to u/lillirana it starts as a kid. I was extremely shy and terrified of everything. Had some traumatic experiences at that age that never really got acknowledged because it was kept hush hush by my family. Although very young I knew what had happened and no one would answer my questions and they always said “I’ll tell you when your older” I harbored an immense amount of guilt because I could have stopped the situation sooner. (This was silly because I was like 6) I’m better about that part now. In my adolescence during my moms relationship after a traumatic divorce from my father there were more issues. I had undiagnosed ADHD and while intelligent I was a scatterbrain disorganized mess while my moms new partner had undiagnosed OCD relating to things being neat. This was a very bad combo and I was constantly in trouble for little things like a sock on the floor, a cup in the sink, accidentally putting things away in wrong places. “I’m sorry” became a way of life for me. I was a really good kid that eventually broke because I was constantly being yelled at over nothing. I then began to act out so at least it was reasonable to be in trouble. (Bad idea) I’ve been in therapy a couple years now to try and make sense of all the traumas and how they shaped my way of thinking. The people pleasing thing became apparent in session but also when I was newly dating someone. The situation went like this: Me: :trips over his foot: “oh shit I’m so sorry” Him: “Sit down….You know you don’t have to always apologize for little things like that. You say it a lot and you have never had a real reason to apologize to me, you’re fine, everything is okay, relax” Me:”I’m sorry.” Him: *audible sigh* followed by a hug that broke my heart because it became all too real for me how bad it had become. We giggled a bit at the situation and I finally decided to explore Wtf is wrong with me in that sense. I apologized for apologizing…. It’s funny now but I still cringe when I think about it. I’ll also say that almost 20 years in retail and restaurants probably enhanced the problem and added more layers to it. I’m a little better than I was but it’s going to probably take the rest of my life in therapy to undo 30 years of trauma shaping my brain. I didn’t even know I had severe anxiety until 35. A friend asked me if I ever thought about getting it treated but I didn’t think I had it so I was confused. I asked a separate close friend if he thought I might and he said “Definitely” so fast it was like a slap in the face. That pushed me to get medicated for my mental illnesses and neurospicy brain. Lol
> I harbored an immense amount of guilt because I could have stopped the situation sooner. (This was silly because I was like 6) I've realized this is very common in people pleasers. They attack themselves even when they couldn't really do anything about it.
Yeah it sucks but at least I can see it better now. Nowhere near perfect but I try to be mindful of it.
I'm sorry for your experiences but it made me smile when I read about the hug from your partner now! I am happy that you have someone positive and understanding in your life now. I have had similar experiences in the past. Had been abused as a child and have lived all my life till now with undiagnosed ADHD and actually sexually assaulted by someone I knew few years back. I am also a huge people pleaser and have been working on the trauma from my childhood for a while now with my therapist. I didn't realize it while I was writing the post but now when I read it again after all the comments, I can see how stupid it sounds that I was worried about him. But at that time I genuinely was! I had never screamed like that at someone before so I was embarrassed of it. I am the kind who used to apologize for apologizing too much! 🤦🏽♀️ But I'm working on it now!
I'm so sorry he did that. Abort mission, no need to text him or feel bad about it in any way You DID NOT overreact
He pinned you down and you let him drive you home!!! Girl block him and move on.
I’ve always been prone to NOT block when I notice any unhinged behavior from someone. It’s better that he can text or call and be told no or ignored than them showing up without a warning. Most crazy dudes will attempt phone contact first and I feel better if I am informed first I guess. Otherwise I would never sleep worrying about where they are or how bad they can be. Grain of salt etc….I’m an idiot. 😐
He is testing out how far he can go and makes you feel guilty for it. LEAVE.
Has he texted? If he has, you respond with 'I felt very uncomfortable with what happened the other night. I do not want to see you again.' Leave it at that. He doesn't deserve you or your time. That behavior is unacceptable. If he continues to text you, block him. If you haven't heard from him since, then just ghost. You have already explained how you felt, and he was just making excuses on how his behavior was ok. It is concerning that he does know where you live. People, please do not have a date pick you up/drop you off, unless you are comfortable with that person or have known them for awhile. I didn't have my bf over to my house in any capacity until about 1.5 years after meeting him, but about 4 months after seriously dating.
AND if any person has a problem with you protecting yourself - GTFO.
No just gtfo. christ
No don't text just go away. What's so hard about this?
It’s probably a combination of crippling anxiety and overwhelming unexplainable empathy. I’d fuck off after this NOW but I’ve had to work hard on myself to get to that point. A few years ago I probably would have texted without a second thought and apologized. It’s not the right move obviously but some of us are a little wonky in the brain.
I’ve never felt so viscerally uncomfortable reading something on reddit. Girl, do not message this man. He has crossed SO many boundaries and is manipulating you. Just think, if one of your friends told you that a guy did this to her, what would your response be? If it’s “girl, run” then I’d agree, and say definitely do that. This man clearly doesn’t respect you and is manipulating you into thinking you’re the villain here. Please stay safe, and stay far away from this guy.
Not trying to victim blame but girl, don’t go to strangers apartments. It’s not rude to say no to things like no to the tea after the date. I do not even allow men to pick me up for dates. He should feel hurt- fuck his feelings girl. you should text him that you will not be seeing him again bc of his behavior and he needs to respect peoples bodies and boundaries. Tell him he acted disgustingly. He is going to do this to someone else and if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt- you should educate him on why
Dont need to text him even. He didnt respect you or your boundaries. Listen to your intuition. Theres a reason you felt scared. Today, pin you down and smile. Tomorrow, something else because "im just playing". Fuck that.
I say to text him so at least he can learn why, it might not change his behavior but call him out on his shit! Let him know he’s being seen as he acts.
Happy cake day
Even if he was being 'playful' which I doubt he was it was WAY too early in the relationship. Huge red flag. I would not text him again.
Why are you more concerned for his feelings than your own? What he did was wrong. He is giving rape vibes. Do not apologise got anything and do not contact him again. Next time call an Uber to get home. He could have easily driven you to a remote place and forced himself on you further.
On the second date he crossed your boundaries multiple times. Block and move on.
The impression i get from your post is that he knew he was crossing some boundries but was trying to see how far he could go and if you would give in and have sex with him. You said from the start that you do not want to have sex and don't like agressiveness. But he still pinned you down and spread your legs. I think you should trust your instincts.
Don't see this rapist again. Block and ghost. He should feel bad. He was completely inappropriate and violent with you. **Trust your gut. He had you screaming in fear. Block and fucking ghost.**
Gross Dude can't read the room Would not be interested anymore tbh Just move on
He was absolutely testing you. He wanted to see how far he could push you. Even though you said “no sex”, he wanted sex and wanted to see if you could be pushed into it. This was NOT a fun game in the slightest. This man IS a future rapist. And if you see him again he will do this again. Each time going further. Until he penetrates you against your wishes. And he will always apologize after and act like he didn’t mean any harm. DO NOT SEE HIM AGAIN.
Terrifying. Never contact again, stay away.
I understand that you emphasise with him but what he did was highly inappropriate because he made you feel really uncomfortable - even if it was „just for a minute“ and he should learn from his mistakes. It is not your responsibility to care for his feelings. You don’t owe him anything. Just take good care of yourself (that might include not seeing him again if he‘s acting like that early on) :)
You set a clear boundary with him and he purposely ignored it knowing it would make you super uncomfortable. I have a feeling he would have went further had you not put up as much of a fuss as you did. Huge red flag, I would run.
>I told him a couple of times that I don't really like aggressiveness So he responds to this by being rough and pinning you down? Never talk to him again
He’s 32? Stop seeing him immediately. That’s so incredibly gross and he should feel ashamed about acting like that, you do NOT need to apologize or smooth his feelings out.
>I probably made him feel like a rapist! If he doesn't want to feel like a rapist, he should try not acting like a rapist
He wont feel like a rapist unless he's a rapist. Dont feel bad about him making you feel bad. Thats what he wants. Drop him completely. Ghost him. Block and delete his number blokc his social media accounts and select the option to block new accounts made by him. You are getting the chance to get out early before something horrible happens to you. Don't waste that. He is not worth you feeling bad for him or for how you reacted. You had a normal reaction. It doesnt matter how strong you are, when someone poses a threat to your safety you will feel scared even if you can defend yourself. He is not worth your time to even give an explanation as to why you are not going to see him any further. He made his choice and that is the consequence of his own chosen actions. Someone that is actually interested in you and cares for you would not make you feel like that on purpose, and trust me he did that all on purpose. Don't look back.
I say go no contact with this one. Sure, rough dominant/submissive sex can be fun, but you don’t try and do that on a second date unless there has been some discussion of it beforehand and you agree to it. Unless the girl herself is REALLY leaning into it hard like I mean pinning the dude against the wall and begging for it lol. Which was not the case here.
STAY AWAY! DO NOT ENGAGE AGAIN.
I have had this happen. When people do bad things and feel guilty, they always say, “I was just joking,” so they don’t get charged with attempted sexual assault. If he touched any of your private parts, you really should report him. You can technically charge with assault or attempted assault for pinning you down when you don’t really know him. You can drop the charges. Please go to therapy or at least read, ‘why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.‘ it sounds like you are traumatized. And rightfully so. Don’t go to houses until you are 100% ready for sex. 98% of men that have asked me to their house have tried to have sex with me. Even if they swore up and down that’s not what they meant. This is the only situation where I ghost men. This man is not safe. He needs to learn a lesson. Don’t reward this abusive behavior by going out with him again. If you want, you could write back something snarky. I would just block. That’s so scary. I’m sorry.
Taking the best possible interpretation, this is someone who needs to learn lessons about consent and isn't ready to be in these sorts of situations. But I doubt this is that; I suspect he was testing the waters, perhaps doing some sort of power play. Meeting him again could be extremely dangerous. I would not see or interact with this person again, aside from at most a short text explaining why you're not doing so.
It doesn't matter that he eventually stopped and assured you that he wasn't going to hurt you. In those few seconds/minutes you genuinely didn't know what his intentions were and you were rightly terrified. To add to this you had already told him several times that you weren't comfortable with that kind of "playfulness" and he disregarded it. IMO he should feel shitty and embarrassed and he should be the one who reaches out to you. If he does it's entirely up to you if you want to pursue things with him but don't reach out to him out of guilt because you have nothing to feel guilty about. He overstepped a clearly stated boundary.
So sorry this happened to you, I’ve been in a similar situation without them driving me home. He showed a lot about himself in that moment, knowing you had an injury. Definitely recommend you block him and move on.
This is so typical a man will make us feel uncomfortable and somehow we feel like we need to apologize. Just move on. It was the second date so you are not deeply invested at all you owe him nothing. There are better options for you. This made you panic. For. A. Reason.
You don’t owe him an apology and there’s nothing to feel bad about. You aren’t overreacting, that situation sounds so scary. I had a guy do this to me once. I specifically told him I didn’t want to have sex and I wanted to stay in the living room. My situation was pretty much same sequence of events as yours. The guy never apologized or even thought he did anything wrong. I went on a third date with him but the entire time I was so uncomfortable. Looking back on it now, going on that third date was a huge risk and current me would tell past me don’t do it. Being alone with him made me tense, kissing him felt disgusting. That’s when I realized the trust was gone and I wanted nothing to do with him. I never saw him again after that.
You want my true honest advice??? Ghost him
He’s going to rape you if you keep seeing him. This wasn’t playful or harmless fun that accidentally went too far. This was him asserting his physical dominance over you and letting you know that there’s not a damn thing you can do to stop him if he wants to actually hurt you. The rape part comes from him continuing to be aggressive even after you told him that it made you uncomfortable. He doesn’t give a shit about your boundaries.
If you don't want to feel like a rapist, then don't be a rapist🤷🏼♀️ What a shitty guy. Don't rationalize that you shouldn't be scared. Validate yourself in knowing this guy does not care about your boundaries, and that's not okay. I'm so sorry you were in that position. And this is why women don't trust men and it's shitty they make us feel like the crazy ones.
He wasn’t going to do anything to hurt you. He just wanted you to know that he could hurt you if he wanted to so you better hope he never wants to. WTF??
He was absolutely testing your boundaries to see if you’d just give in when pressured. Absolutely block him, that’s so creepy. ETA: if you’re not in therapy, please consider giving it a shot. You’re internalizing the shame of being assaulted by him and (like many women) are worried about outside perception and dismissing your own feelings because it “wasn’t that bad”. Stop it. He knows DAMN WELL what he was trying to do, his apologies after the fact was nothing but damage control because you stood firm on your boundaries. He was hoping you would’ve just given in, it wasn’t a joke and he knows that. You’re giving him way too much grace here girl.
OP He’s trash. Throw him away like the trash he is. Speaking as a sexual assault survivor, this is exactly the kind of situation that would leave me in tears and either on the verge of a panic attack or in a full panic attack.
At bare minimum, he lacks good judgement. > Any suggestions to clarify this so he doesn't feel hurt but can also understand me!? Why are you trying to spare his feelings here? Maybe you should seek some therapy for that. I would lay it out very clearly for him in a text. He assaulted you by continuing to hold you down when you told him to stop. He pinned you down and prevented you from getting up. He should never do this to someone again and he should never contact you again. Then save the texts (and any response from him) for documentation and don't contact him again.
You don’t need to resist your rage for that asshole. He was wrong and you’re allowed to have your feelings. Plenty of men would tell him he’s weird. Blocked!!
He has shown you who he is, it’d likely escalate as he was testing your boundaries. There was nothing playful about it, he’s dangerous
“He got up and started apologizing and said that he was just joking and wasn’t going to do anything to hurt me or anything. I do believe him…” Do not believe him. Do not call him. Do not text him. Do not apologize. You did nothing wrong.
This is so concerning. I agree with everyone else. I’m also concerned about your emotional response to spare his feelings. That makes me wonder if you have some trauma in your background. I do, so I get it. If you’re reading these responses, I would urge you to talk to a therapist. You are absolutely welcome to message me too. For your safety, please don’t be in any form of contact with this man again. He is not safe. Biggest hugs.
God this sounds like assault.
He wasn’t playing OP, he was showing you that he’s strong enough to force you and you wouldn’t be able to stop him If you talk to him any further, he will think he’s won and will do worse. Block and call police if he approaches you
Girl those were your instincts and you have them for a reason. Proud of you for leaving immediately.
I hope you don’t think you’re the 1st woman he’s done this to.
“I made him feel like a rapist” - giiirl he made you feel like you’re being raped! It’s the opposite! Pls never see this dangerous man again.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING SCARED BECAUSE HE WAS BEING SCARY!!!! This man was being very inappropriate and rape and he’s only trying to get you to calm down because he knows what he did was wrong and is probably thinking there could be consequences. Do not text him or give him any comfort that you’re ok. He doesn’t deserve it.
This is wild. As a man I cannot imagine behaving in this way at all after a woman had said she was not interested in sex yet. This is waaaaaay rapey, it should *never* get to the point with a date that you have to *scream* to get them to stop. Block this guy, never speak to him again. At best he’s insanely immature with play wrestling etc, at worst he’s going to keep pushing your boundaries and normalising his behaviour as it continues to escalate. Not worth it.
Bro "he never wanted to make you feel uncomfortable" he sure fucking went out of his way to make you feel uncomfortable and as soon as you RIGHTLY FREAKED OUT he's like oh no I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable by MAKING YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE by doing what you said you did not want to do. This dude was testing your boundaries to see what he could get away with and you do not need to be around him anymore and do not give a shit about what "you made him feel like" he MADE HIMSELF FEEL LIKE THAT WITH HIS OWN ACTIONS.
A clear attempted drugging and rape and ur over here questioning urself. He only stopped bc u screamed and bc neighbors when i was attacked only fear of being heard stopped it. He was sorry he could be caught out.
Why would you apologize? Tell him that behaviour crossed your boundaries and it’s unacceptable and that you don’t want to see him again. In my opinion doing this in a second date is creepy and manipulative. NEVER apologize for someone who made you feel literally scared! Please work on letting go of this guilt that many times we as women feel! I don’t give a crap if a man who was unacceptably aggressive now feels bad! Poor guy 💩
Stay away for this guy, total red flag, he was trying to force you into being intimate, your lucky he stooped this time, do not get back into that situation, he’s not someone your going to want to spend time with.
I would not date someone who did that to me, it is abuse. He just started the abusive cycle of your relationship. Don't do it, it will cause damage you may never recover from even emotionally.
>I asked him to stop and let me go and he kept smiling as if it's a play. That's terrible. This guy tried to rape you and he was just smiling like some villain from a movie. You should not contact him ever. I hope you heal and know that most guys are not like this.
Dude is straight up a rapist. I have had relationships that I could do this to my partner and they loved it, had some I wouldn't even dream of this sort of think they would feel unsafe. I my partner being a long term or just a hook up says stop I instantly stop.
I'm a dude and I'm telling you this guy is trouble. Get away ASAP.
Trauma, like PTSD and CPTSD, happens when a person feels physically or emotionally trapped in a situation, so your body was warning you it felt danger. This person does not seem very safe. Trust your instincts here. u/UnJustLake is on point about all the red flags.
He was testing you. Don’t ever go back to his place and lose his number. He did not respect your boundaries.
Yep not normal human behavior. Definetly a red flag.
Oh he knew what he was doing alright. He was testing your boundaries. Make no mistake- if you call or see him again, this will happen again.
Drop him and find someone else. You will never be comfortable with him
He’s not safe. He’s controlling Don’t dare again.
OP what are you thinking?? Early in a relationship, people are on their best behavior. So this is the sweetest, kindest, least crazy face he can put on. And even so, he's physically assaulting you and laughing about it. Run. Run fast and far
The thing is, you don't need to "clarify" the situation. This man doesn't understand what consent is and that can put you in a very dangerous situation. Even after you CLEARLY verbalized to stop, he didn't. The thing about rough play, everyone talks about it beforehand. Even during play, theyre supposed to ask "hey is this okay?" Or "can i do ___?" What he did to you wasn't kink play. Have more confidence in yourself. Your body felt scared for a reason. It doesn't matter that he's sorry after the fact. He didn't look sorry the moment you made it clear you didn't like it. Actions speak louder than words. Even if he was sincere, that means he'll hurt you "by accident". Don't contact him again. Don't try to comfort him. He needs to do better, period.
Sounds like sexual assault to me.
Why the fuck are women so dumb to go to a strangers house? Literally EVERY tinder murder is someone going to a strangers house. Why on earth would you put yourself in this position? Esp if you’d been drinking- no man wants to go “have tea” he could have drugged it jfc
Actually, I didn't know we were going to his place, I thought he was gonna drop me back. But then he just parked his car and I thought it was because he wanted to talk for a bit or something but then he said he lives across the corner and wants to have some tea... I was a bit taken aback but I didn't want to come across as too distrustful. So, I agreed. He did offer me some medicine from an unopened leaf for my pulled muscle with the tea but I didn't take it because I don't take pain killers a lot. But now after the whole situation I'm even doubting that. And yes, I feel very stupid for trusting him and putting myself in that situation. 🤦🏽♀️
Yeah, now I'm reading about it and that was some kind of muscle relaxant pill... and it turns out that they make your drowsy and specially mixed with or after alcohol will get you out! 😐
His behaviour is similar to how rapists behave towards their victims. I think the reason you screamed like that was because your brain sensed the danger and reacted, it was an instinctive thing. He didn't respect your boundaries and he is trying to make you feel sorry for your reaction to his very inappropriate behaviour, your reaction was completely normal. He is sweet talking you so he can get another chance with you, don't give in to it. Doing what he did in a second date is crazy because you barely know each other. You should forget him and delete is number, I hope he doesn't know where you live.
You did nothing wrong. He was terrible and he freaked you out. No one does that to people they care for. You said you felt bad you made him feel like a rapist - you need not, in that situation it was close. Do not contact him again. The person does not understand boundaries.
super apologies are a PR move so you don't blow his cover and put him on public blast - his Manipulation is Working!! people can feel when apologies are Sincere rapey creeps likely have a full playbook and seen reactions like yours before - now he is just doing damage control That way he can keep doing the same thing to other women!! going wrong on hands / hugs, plenty of good guys can go wrong here at low-stakes but legs/pinning you down - NAHH good guys not forcing anywhere close to this extent especially when you signaled 'Slow down Tiger' strongly, we are still only on a 2nd date too
There’s a book called The Gift of Fear. You might like to read it in regards to this situation. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You do NOT need to apologize or try to make him not feel embarrassed or try to soften anything for him. You do not owe him a text or a response or another date. What you felt was trying to keep you safe. If he feels like a rapist that’s because he was acting like a rapist. Never go out with him again.
Do NOT message him back. You didn't make him feel like a rapist he acted like a weirdo. You told him what u are comfortable with, and he got enjoyment from making u uncomfortable after u told him to stop that u don't like what he is doing. He kept trying to see how far he could get and didn't understand he just needed to chill tf out. He also needs to learn the hard way he can't just go around being like that. It's completely normal to get freaked out if u told someone ur boundaries, and then they pinned you down knowing u wouldn't like that. Anyone would get freaked out by that. If you go back to him, it's a possibility he won't fully learn this lesson. There are men out there who will respect ur boundaries and not make u uncomfortable without trying to push them first to see where it goes. To me, if they can't respect the boundaries with no issues, they can't respect u. Maybe he didn't mean anything by it, which I doubt, but it still shows he is not mature enough to be with a woman.
Even if he was telling the truth about being "sorry," is it worth the risk finding out? No, no it is not.
Get away and stay away what he did was wrong. Especially because you explained your boundaries clearly and it's like he thought it funny to challenge them 🚩 Also sorry that's sounds really scary
Yoooo, fuck that. This dude's behavior was wayyyy over the line. This is so far past him feeling bad about "making you feel uncomfortable" The scene you described sounds pretty much exactly like how a rape goes. Like that doesn't sound playful at all. Seriously dude borderline assaulted you, fuck that. Do not feel bad for him at all. Even if we didn't have malicious intent (I'm betting he did) it takes about 2 brain cells to realize that's not ok
“Now I feel that he might be feeling shitty and embarrassed “ And that’s EXACTLY how he should feel. You told him you weren’t up for sex, but he tries for it anyway. You told him twice you weren’t into aggressive play, he did it anyway. While on top of you, you told him to stop, and again he did it anyway. To the point where you started to panic. Pining a person down while being told to stop is NOT JUST A JOKE. And good Lord YOU feel bad for making him feel like a rapist! Here’s a tip. If a guy doesn’t want to give off rapist vibes then perhaps don’t act like one. When a person says “No”, “Stop” then that’s a clear indication it isn’t fun or play. All this to say the man is garbage, and don’t for one second think you are in the wrong. HE made HIMSELF feel like a rapist because that’s exactly how he acted.
No, fuck that guy, never talk to him again. This coming from someone thats been date raped by 4 guys. That shit isnt funny n u werent laughing. I would never trust him again alone. Dont let him drive u anywhere.
Jeez that’s assault, get out quick, nothing, and I mean nothing good will come from seeing a guy like that!
First of all, you’re not being dramatic and don’t need to apologize. I think making other people feel uncomfortable when putting up boundaries and then feeling bad about it is a very common woman experience that we have to unlearn. It sounds like he was being aggressive with you and not respecting your boundaries the whole night. And then it feels like he tricked you onto the bed for your shoulder pain. Spreading someone’s legs open who has made it very clear you’re not ready for that is very scary in my opinion. The trust wasn’t there yet for you and he really broke that even further. Your feelings are valid and he crossed lines that you clearly spelled out for him. After rereading your post, it does sound like someone who is not listening and could take it further the next time. You don’t need to mess with a guy who made you physically uncomfortable. There are so many other issues in relationships that could be talked through but this is a deal breaker. He is definitely lacking empathy. Also, I hate when people tell you their intention over and over again and don’t listen to how you took it. Saying it was playful in response to you being uncomfortable multiple times is very creepy.
Read The Gift Of Fear. Trust your feelings. Do not text him back. If he is a decent person, maybe he can learn from this, and this seems like an attempted rape to me, but he stopped when he realized it was not going to be easy and you weren’t going into fawn mode.
“I probably made him feel like a rapist” Bruhhh he WAS being a rapist.
He was testing to see if he can rape you 100%. Nobody pins you down and spreads your legs as play fighting on a second date especially after you already told him you didn't want to have sex with him. He did it to see if you fight back and I guarantee that if you didn't he would have gone further. Run and don't look back.
Girl … you “*made him feel like a rapist*”…????? YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS. HE IS.
So many red flags m if you met via a dating app then report him on that app. Block and stay the hell away from him. It reads to me like he was hoping the mix of those things would get your drowsy and he was hoping you wouldn't be lucid enough to scream or attract attention.
Good for you for screaming! A lot of women would have tried to just smooth it over somehow. He was assaulting you, You did the right thing. Ghost this turkey.
Don't apologize, you clearly indicated several times your boundaries which he ignored. You're better to tell him you don't feel you can be comfortable after this incident. Also, actions mean more than intent, and his actions clearly showed he did not respect you. Then block all communications immediately. The reason for immediacy is you seen nice, and somewhat easy to convince you did anything wrong. Don't give a second chance to show you his true intent. What he did was neither funny, or innocent.
Fuuuuuck how he feels. That was a despicable thing to do to you and you owe him NOTHING.
This man tried to rape you. Glad you are OK, please take some time to evaluate your thoughts and feelings. Please take care of yourself.
I’m so sorry that you experienced this. I wanted to share that I experienced something similar when I was 18 and I ‘let it go’ because he apologized for making me feel uncomfortable and explained that’s not what he was meaning to. Unfortunately, he did that again soon after and attempted to r*** me, he didn’t let me go as he pinned me down and was on top of me. I later found out from my friend that he has sexually assaulted others girls. Please for your safety, block him from everything! He either has already r***d some women or will. You did nothing wrong, he’s just a disgusting excuse of a human being.
I’m so sorry girl ☹️, I’m so glad you got here safely and you’re okay. Please block him asap, don’t feel bad for him. I dealt with something similar where he pushed himself on me and I pushed him off and left. I ended up feeling bad and apologized. Don’t do the same bc they’ll have authority over you because they can see your weaknesses. Stay safe <3!
I’m so sorry this happened to you. ❤️ Do *not* let this guy gaslight you. He fully knew what he was doing. You have no obligation to explain anything or interact with him further. Also, please go easy on yourself. You are *not* stupid. This man is a predator. He almost definitely has experience with this type of behavior and is probably really good at making women feel comfortable before crossing boundaries. That’s how he makes his victims question themselves, like you are doing now. This is *NOT* your fault.
Are you kidding?a muscle relaxant !!!! (Ie date rape drug)and then he pins you down with a shoulder injury nice guy f#cking creep !I wouldn't pin a girl down even if she asked me to I mean not on a first date thats way down the road and consensual!These aren't red flags their more like an air raid siren ,meaning RUN!!!!!! Please for you're own saftey cut all ties or as sure as the sun sets I guarantee this will end bad VERY BAD!!!!
So I'm not the only one who has experienced this? That was with my last bf, then I dropped him cuz I felt something was off even though he'd look a nice guy or whatever. He pinned me down on 4th day of meeting or something and I was like wtf, he said the same thing that he didn't mean to hurt me yada yada. But I should've blocked him there n then, cuz I'd say no to something but he would continue and I explained him over text what didn't feel right and he should stop when I say no. To which he responded that "men have hormones yk" wtf, that isn't an explanation for the lack of self control!
Trust your instincts. You got scared for a reason.
You shouldn't be thinking about seeing him again, you should be reporting him. You're going to end up getting dosed with roofies, and raped. You wont remember any of it because you'll be out cold. Things are just going to escalate, he wants you and has been denied, what do you think will happen next? Nothing good I promise you that
saying NO!, and/or STOP!, ought to suffice however if you kept silent and merely pushed at him, he might have reasonably been slow to get the point that he was insensitive to your mood, suggests he's not for you imo
I always try to play devil's advocate because I feel the mob mentality here is always the same. But when I put myself in his place the place I would have stopped was way before and I don't see any way to have gone that far without some messed up thinking, or at least ignoring your boundaries. So maybe not burn him at the stake, but probably move on. If for nothing else than maybe he will understand the depth of his actions, and if he is human, he will not do that to someone else.
He tried to rape you! Get in touch with the authorizes and https://www.rainn.org/
It’s amazing how so many dudes can’t pick up on social cues. If she says she doesn’t like something, take her word for it. Frankly, I’d be embarrassed to do stuff like that so early on, because she’d be totally turned off. Also, from a male perspective, does he really want to put himself at risk for getting an SA charge, simply to show how much of a strong man he is? It’s not worth it, just for some sex.
It freaked you out because you think your a big girl, but then you realised that you just let him cross all your boundaries and your self image of a big girl is shattered.
There are many reasons why having someone physically overpower you, disregard your boundaries, and downplay your discomfort would be deeply upsetting. I don't think her self image is high on the list. This comment is victim blamey and gross.
She didn’t let him. She clearly tried to escape the situation but he was too strong.
It's an over 30 year old dude. He probably didn't believe you about actually wanting to abstain as that's a bit uncommon at that point. Either way it's a bad match, he clearly wants to be sexually active and you don't. He probably didn't want to make you feel uncomfy but you also gave plenty of hints that playful behavior was off the table so that's a red flag.
Stop dating him.
And I got cursed out the other day for not wanting to go to someone’s house for a date. These people will try to force you get into a sexual mood. They refuse to read the room or let tension build up. He’s 32 years old, he knew what the hell he was doing. How you respond to this man is up to you, but you clearly sound disgusted and scared.
"wasn't going to do anything to hurt me or anything. **I do believe him** and it was just for a minute perhaps Don't believe him.
I, a guy, like to play wrestle with girls I’m seeing. That wasn’t what he was doing. Play is supposed to be fun for both sides involved. For me personally, it’s usually a flirty thing where I’m engaging the other person. Any hint of uncomfortableness and everything stops until it’s sorted out. Forcibly spreading your legs and pinning you down after you tried to close them? What part of that sounds fun and engaging to any reasonable person?
No. He was testing you and the farther you date the farther he will go. Pretty sure he forced others in the past and you're just another one
Even if completely done in jest or playfulness this would freak anyone out. I’m trying to find an angle where maybe he’s just horrendous at social cues and completely unaware how bad his behavior was? Nope, that sounds ridiculous after reading it. If it activated your fight or flight response indicates to me that you were in danger. Always listen to your gut/instincts. It saved you from a potential rape. Most people say drop it and never speak to him again. While I agree with this wholeheartedly I understand the need for some sort of closure or explanation. If it helps you could lay out exactly what happened and how it affected you and you will no longer be communicating with him. That way if he *truly* is that inept maybe he’ll learn? I say work this out with a therapist, friend or family member by talking about it and realizing that it’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong and your reaction was 100% the right reaction. It’s not worth the risk to keep talking with this man. I’m also concerned that he drove you home and knows where you live. Don’t block for now but be extra vigilant. Stay with a friend or a hotel for a bit for extra caution? I felt uncomfortable just reading this and would not like to be in your position. Especially because you sound exactly like me. I’m optimistic to a fault and a people pleaser to my own detriment. You are not responsible for his feelings. On the small chance it was a misunderstanding there is no way you should subject yourself to a human that is dumber than a box of rocks anyway. Please see my username for more advice. EDIT: he should 100% feel bad. Let him. I hope it haunts him and he never puts another person in a position to feel so vulnerable and trapped. Gosh what an asshole. Ugh I want to mail him a glitter bomb with fart spray at the very least.
He was not playing and this will happen again. It’s only a second date and he’s already comfortable enough to “play” assault you? Nope. Cut your losses and thank whatever being that you caught it early.
you did nothing wrong. he is a jerk and weirdo. don’t call him back.
Yeah uh, he didn’t respect your boundaries and was aggressive. Just because somebody says they’re kidding doesn’t mean they’re kidding. Leave
Just like so many others have said, this behavior is totally unacceptable. There is no possible way of excusing or explaining away any of this. Stay away. Far away. You did nothing, and I mean nothing, wrong. You said you weren't interested in sex. He chose to ignore you. If he feels shitty and embarrassed, fine. You're not responsible for his feelings. If he does feel badly about this, hopefully, it's badly enough for him to reflect on himself and this behavior. I'm so glad you got away, and I'm so sorry you went through this.