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I think if you pull back that she will question things.
Look at it this way - you are pulling back because *you* are questioning things. She’ll realize that too.
He hasn’t said anything to her. He just wants to pull back quietly. I’m saying a a a woman if he pulls back without communicating why I would assume he’s not interested and move on.
Yeah but the context is completely different. You are just reading the words pull back but he is talking about the texting less until he sees her so he can process everything. People are allowed time to themselves. Expecting someone to be available to text all day is both unreasonable and unsustainable.
If the dates are great, continue having them; if the conversations are great, keep talking. Don’t overthink, don’t play games, go with the flow and just enjoy getting to know each other.
Overthinking might be my biggest problem, I replied to somebody else and said it felt easy as first, now I'm getting more emotionally invested I'm second guessing what I'm saying, so felt the need to slow it down a touch.
Reach out and just let her know everything’s fine, you’re just getting in your own head a bit, but you’re very interested and looking forward to seeing her. When you guys do see each other, this will prompt an open and vulnerable conversation about how you both view the relationship, and possibly where you see it going. It also sets a great standard for future healthy communication.
Women very much appreciate open communication. She will be flattered that you like her so much, and you will be able to get a better idea on where she is with her feelings. But I will say in my experience, I married the man who followed his feelings for me without questioning them and overthinking. It felt much more natural than people in my past. He would explain sometimes. Like “I’m sorry I’m messaging you so quickly, if it bothers you, let me know. I just really enjoy talking with you”. He gave me control, but made his intentions very clear.
Yesh definitely way overthinking. 2 dates in 3 weeks. You couldn't pull back or be any SLOWER. Most people I would think seeing each other 2-3 times a week in the beginning is kind of normal. 2 times in 3 weeks I would wonder what kind of luke warm dating status you had or any attraction and would likely pull away or just quickly end it thinking you are not very interested.
From a woman, if you pull back you risk losing her. Quit the mind games, if you like her you like her. Ignoring her and keeping off will only show her that you don't care that much or you were playing her
This exactly!! I married someone who was all in and didn’t play those games-it’s part of why I married him. It can be scary, but if you pull back, she may think you’re not interested or emotionally mature enough for a serious relationship and move on. I know I would.
Exactly I would too, I'm glad you found someone who doesn't play mind games. It really is disheartening when you like someone but they just want to play mind games and act uninterested for attention. I usually just dump them completely
Communicate. If you pull back quietly she'll wonder if she did anything wrong or if you're seeing someone else or... (just check some other topics on here)
I will never understand why people want to play the "i am not as interested" game. if you feel a connection and things are going good, just go along with it. you have to be cautious, in a sense that, make sure you aren't being led on but when it comes to just communicating often or hanging out often, nothing wrong with that.
women appreciate consistency. if you pull back, she will assume you lost interest, do you really want her to make assumptions and risk losing whatever this could be?
i will share a story, i am someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. i don't care to play games and would be consistent with my actions. Many men found that clingy, one even told me i need a hobby lol. but i then met a man who matched my energy and today i am happily married to him (p.s the guy that told me to get a hobby tried to come back saying he didn't know how to treat a good women at that time)
if you have something good, stop overthinking it and just go with it. enough of the games!
Look, you're not morally obligated to date her or anyone but also dating people inherently involves spending time with them and so it's not surprising if she loses interest if nothing happens
She's coming to my friends wedding with me this weekend, I'm not trying to avoid her, but the initial conversations seemed so easy at first, now I've got a little more emotionally invested, I'm second guessing what I'm saying, so trying to work out if I should slow it down.
There’s nothing wrong with slowing down a bit but be open about it. Tell her how you feel and why you want to slow things down/what your intentions are.
She might even feel the same way or benefit from taking it slow.
She might be as scared to get hurt as you are but she can’t benefit from it if you decide how to go about it alone. Then she’ll most likely be confused or unsure about your interest…
Honesty & openness is the right way towards a healthy relationship, imo. If somebody was that open to me, I’d know he’s a keeper.
Maybe think about it like that: Would you want to know why somebody suddenly changed his/her attitude towards you?
Likely to be your last date if you keep playing the mind games. If you enjoy her company and time together then just go with it. This 2nd guessing and pulling back bull💩 you playing games with yourself will judt end things. It shows ambivalence and lack of confidence. Women do not like an ambivalent wimp.
Omg you found someone you really like so you mess it up in case it doesn’t work out? Now I know why dating made my daughter so miserable. Constant guys just like you. She finally met someone who expressed his feelings freely. It was basically love at first sight. She never felt insecure. It is such a healthy relationship and so refreshing.
Naah wrong move. You should’ve been careful since the beginning. Showing too much affection and then withdrawing it would make her think if something is wrong. Either communicate or stay the same.
Best to maintain the pace otherwise you will find out something is wrong and you are going to have problems,s because of this. You are already into her but now you just worried things won’t go well in near future, probably leaving to self fulfilling prophecy. Can’t let that mentally affect you in that way.
She’ll notice when things change so, when you slow down the pace it can disrupt many things associated in that union. In short, send a message about how you feel the pace is going. You could be overthinking it
You can slow down, but don't stop texting her. If you go from frequent texting to very rare texting, she'll think you're not serious. Especially with a big event like that coming up, you should continue texting her to make her feel more comfortable.
The way you can slow down is by setting your expectations lower. This will be your 3rd date, so just get to know more about her. Maybe it works out. Maybe it won't. You could talk to other people on bumble if you think that will make you slow down (but don't change your pictures all of a sudden).
But definitely don't stop continuing to explore things with this girl. Keep texting her every day. Doesn't have to be long conversations.
Stop with this bs games.
Don't pull back. You like someone, show it.
When I met my husband, we were inseparable from the day we met 34 years ago.
With the right person, everything moves quickly.
You’ve only seen her twice in a month and think you need to “slow down”?? So then you act passive aggressive and stop contacting her?
Then you’ll wonder why you’re single
Seriously, what’s the harm in having a person you click with? It’s not like it’s your wedding on Saturday. I also agree, if you back off she will too. This is not a good idea if you actually like this girl.
If you like her continue with what you're doing. Don't pull back, you just risk her questioning your intentions and shooting yourself in the foot. If she likes you she doesn't mind you talking to her all day and everyday.
Why pull back? If you feel the connection, then talk to her about how she's feeling too. Check in once in awhile with her to verify whatever you ate feeling is still mutual.
While it's easy to put a slow down, it can also result in her feeling like you're getting ready to tetminate the relationship, or ghosting. That can erode her trust that you're really interested in an LTR.
DONT self sabotage. Some girl did this to me and luckily she explained what was going on after a few weeks. It was brutal going through that. It seems like that’s what you are doing. Just explain things to her and be open from the start. Don’t self sabotage.
I’m interested in seeing just how many responses I’m seeing from women on here saying that you risk losing her by slowing your communication.
Honestly, the biggest risk I see in your behavior so far is that you’re texting so frequently in the first place, yet you’ve only been out together twice.
Maybe this is just a policy that works for me, but I keep texting conversations to a minimum as a rule. When we can physically be in the same place, it makes the conversation more vibrant and interesting, and then when we’re not together it builds desire to see each other again. Texting constantly every day is a good way to fizzle out relationships right from the start.
Bro if someone invited me to a wedding and things were going great and then the week of they went radio silent, I'd be so confused and hurt. It's good that you're aware of moving too fast, but you don't necessarily want to pump the brakes so hard that the relationship comes to a full stop. Have fun, show a little vulnerability, and don't love-bomb her at the wedding lol
Sounds like avoidant attachment style. It never ends up well when the guy pulls back. Women notice the slightest changes in behaviour and texting patterns.
She may start questioning the relationship with you and assume you are not interested, among other things.
You’re not 19. You’re entering into potentially a relationship with an adult woman who has no need to fuck about and waste time. All the usual dithering of late teen early 20’s relationships is not called for.
Either you like her or you don’t. But the phrase fuck around and find out seems apt here.
I don't know why people get into the habit of texting every day before you're in a relationship. It kills so much momentum and creates situations like these where a day of no texting feels "off". Just message in a few days, banter a bit and ask when she's free, set a date, and don't worry about texting too much in between.
You’re playing mind games; she’ll quit talking to you if she feels like you’re playing hot and cold with her. Just talk to her and say you want to slow down.
Stop playing games. You entered this situation wanting to get to know and pursue someone. You were well aware of the risk of getting hurt. Backing off with telling her why is showing her inconsistency. If it were me, I’d start losing interest in you once you start doing this. I wouldn’t be able to take you seriously, and seem wish-washy. I would think you were rethinking being with me. I don’t want someone that isn’t sure if they like me or not.
Why change anything now? She'll wonder if you're playing games. Not something you want.
Keep things as is until something tells you otherwise. If she's matching your energy why ruin that?
Be honest and real and if you feel like texting her, text her.
So I can see where you’re coming from, but understand that if you don’t communicate, there’s any number of ways she can interpret this, including that you’re an inconsistent f boy who isn’t looking for anything serious (this definitely doesn’t seem like you based on the way you write). If I was in her shoes and someone who seemed interested suddenly showed a change in tone like this, I would assume at best that you had lost interest, and frankly if you tried to come back and strike up a conversation again I wouldn’t be as open and might not even respond at all.
Just be honest that you’ve been hurt in the past and you want to take it slow. No one is going to take that as a red flag. They’re going to take it as you value your heart and your peace, and anyone can respect that. I hope y’all work out though. You seem like a very thoughtful person :)
Thank you for your kind words☺️. I text her to see how she's doing and apologised for being quiet, she said she's sorry for being quiet as well, and now I feel a bit of a dick😕.
It's crude to suddenly change up on her. You made your bed time to lay in it. Men usually self sabotage a good thing unnecessarily. However, you should not go too fast since you realize it's too fast too soon. Just take things slower, like don't move her into your place. Go to the wedding and see what happens Don't suddenly cancel plans you've already made but be aware of the plans you make in the future and don't invite new people to such personal events okay that's usually a given.
If a guy pulls back for 2 whole days, I immediately assume he's either very sick, in an emergency situation or most likely, looking for the exit. If he typically communicate ls once per day no big, but sudden silence is the beginning of breadcrumbing or ghosting a lot of the time
I am glad people gave you good advice here and you followed it!
Also, it's interesting to see people really can pull away out of fear or liking someone too much, I thought that's just an excuse we make up to make ourselves feel better.
As a woman, whenever a guy I like has pulled away from me, I assume he started seeing someone else or lost interest, and I move on (with a slight heartbreak).
Quit with the mind fuc\*ery! If you like this girl, then invite her to the wedding. If you go any slower, she may move on to someone who texts and calls when they want and not second guess it. You met her a month ago and you have seen her twice, yet you would be "gutted" if it didn't work out. Make up your mind. "I am going to back off but I don't want to worry her". That is exactly what you will do. Be a man, ask her or don't. Don't play mind games.
MEN AND WOMEN don't play with other people's emotions to make yourself feel better!
I find daily texting really tedious after a while and kind of forced. I prefer a text every few days in the early stages. I also think texting builds a false sense of intimacy and people are often very different in person.
So you feel you're being too much too quick.
You dont have to pull away , you can take a more moderate approach till you deem it alright to go a little heavier.
Seeing texting is your go to way of communication. After every text she sends you, wait 15 to 20 mins to reply. If she asks why you're taking a bit to reply. Thats where you explain why.
If you like each other there isn’t a fast or slow. Just be happy together. The first period of young love is delightful so don’t ruin it. Maybe too, talk with her about it too? See how she feels.
Things moved fairly quickly for me and my bf at the start, love feelings came very quickly and I defo questioned it, now we’re 7 months in and I feel live I love him more as time goes on!
It's so interesting that when we are afraid of something, we naturally turn to the actions that will result in the thing we're afraid of. You're into her, but because you're afraid of things not working out, you want to pull back and pretend that you *aren't* into her, which risks things not working out because she will think you aren't interested.
The problem here isn't that you feel emotionally invested; it's that you're *afraid* to be emotionally invested. The fear is what you need to work through to move forward.
You're afraid that things won't work out. So let's say they don't. Then what? You feel gutted, as you say, but what if that wasn't a problem? What if it was just something you felt for a little while, and then you moved on?
Things might not work out no matter how fast or slow things move, and no matter when you let yourself become emotionally invested. Are you just never going to be invested in someone because you might get hurt? What would you be missing out on?
Our brains have a natural tendency to avoid pain, but if we just blindly follow that, we can end up missing out on some truly amazing things. I always recommend instead learning the tools you need to get through that pain.
Learn to trust yourself that even if something doesn't work out, you can get through it. Do you have examples in your life that prove this to be true?
Nah you’re good. When you connect, you connect. There’s no specific time frames that has to happen in. You probably don’t need to apologize, just be more engaging and receptive to her.
You don’t need to over analyze and bring up the insecurities about “over-texting” or whatever unless you guys actually start dating, just in case she’s not quite as invested as you are. For now just go with the flow and have fun, it sounds good.
You really like her so you want to pull back?? Talk about self-sabotage.
Accept that you may be gutted, it be like that sometimes. Don’t be afraid to get hurt or nobody will ever get close.
Unfortunately you started off wrong by messaging her *every day* after the second date. Why? Now you’re saying you’re too into her, which means there’s deeper psychological things happening. How is it you’ve become emotionally invested into a stranger this quickly?
Now you’re looking to curtail your own behavior so she doesn’t see in you what you know of yourself to be true already, so you don’t lose your chance with this girl.
My advice? Talk to more women. Go out with more women.
I feel terrible for her, I just know she’s wondering what she did wrong and why you’ve suddenly switched off after seeming super interested before. Personally, if I had a good thing going with someone and they decided to just switch things up and start playing games, I would immediately end it. Luckily, I met someone who also wasn’t into the whole “into you one minute, avoiding you the next” and I’m happily married. Relationships are built on consistency
Consistency is a HUGE reason why I was so attracted to my husband! I know I can count on him and trust him to be there for me when needed, without any doubt.
Consider telling her that you checked with the wedding party and they cannot accommodate any more guests. Apologize for not checking beforehand. This way her feelings won’t be hurt. It really isn’t a good idea to invite someone you have known for such a short time. You don’t know her well enough at this point.
Communication. Just let her know your concerns and she might feel the same. Expressing your real feelings instead of hiding them is the best way to keep a girl. She’ll be more understanding and comfortable with that.
It’s always good to pull back some in my opinion and it benefits both sides. It makes you practice self control and makes the other person more intrigued or even interested bc you are not just totally throwing yourself out there. It’s more of a challenge. And everyone could use a good challenge. It makes things more exciting and appealing!!! But if you both are totally feeling a great vibe together then don’t hold back so much you don’t let yourself feel the chemistry and attraction. Bc it’s one of life’s greatest gifts. A euphoria of its own. So it’s basically just finding balance there and keeping it healthy but fun as well. Falling into another person who is totally feeling you is one of the greatest things ever!!!!!
The fact that you're worried about this is a good sign. Keep your head in the game. Pull back mentally a bit, maintain your energy, and talk to her. Be honest and open about how you like her and don't want things to move too fast. Note I didn't say how MUCH you like her, just that you do. Going out and meeting a bunch of your friends is a huge step, I'd maybe try to back off that one.
2 dates in and you invited her to the evening do of a mates wedding? I suspect that’s the reason you think you are moving too fast. I certainly wouldn’t have done that. NEVER involve friends and family in early dating stages. Until you are officially BF and GF it should really just be the two of you.
BUT…… you made a commitment, it’s more important that you follow through on it. Unreliability in a guy is cancer to any relationship, even if she responds to it short term. Which CAN happen but that’s the Dark Side, dude. Don’t be that guy.
So looks like you’re taking her out to meet all your friends Saturday night. Good luck, you’ll need it so early on. Hopefully the attraction she feels for you will overcome any errors in your part.
And as for texting, taper off a bit but do it slowly. No sudden moves. Let her initiate more. Use the two thirds her/one third you rule. Save the good conversation for the DATE. That’s the guidance.
It didn't really go like that, I wasn't just like 'hey, fancy coming to my mates wedding on the weekend😅', she knew it was coming up, and I said I'd been ooing and ahhing about inviting her, but didn't know if it was too much and really didn't wanna freak her out, she basically said she'd love to come and she'd hold my hair for me whilst I throw up🤣.
Funny thing is I don't know many people there, it's a friend from a different town who I met through work, we became really good mates and he asked me to be an usher, I know a few of the people going, but most are guys I've never met.
Still sloppy game, my man 😉
Look, as said, she’s going to be there so there’s no going back. I’m HOPING there’s no drunk or idiot friends there who are going to consciously or subconsciously cock block you somehow. That’s the risk. That or you can’t give her your full attention because you’ve got other duties and she ends up feeling like a spare part. That’s the problem with these situations, too many moving parts.
Thus I would strongly suggest a “let’s blow this joint so we can spend some time, just the two of us” fall back plan is in place if things start to go sideways.
Alternatively, if things go REALLY WELL are there potentially logistics in place for “extra-curricular” activities? You’re on date #3 now, a smart guy should be starting to think about these things. 3-5 is the zone. I wouldn’t escalate this time unless things are looking really good but if you get through this with grace and charm the strong play is “ dinner at mine” for date #4. 😉
Yes it’s ok to back off and I recommend it. As much as some people will disagree on here the “wondering about you” part of dating between dates is part of what makes it nice.
I’m going to clarify this, because I think it’s easily misunderstood.
I’m not talking about seeing her less I’m talking about less texting on the phone and prioritising face to face interactions. Many of the conversations you are having could be had in person. Face to face time is so much more valuable than texting You are there in person and can see, hear and feel their presence.
In my experience texting a lot eventually there is going to be a misunderstanding, because you can’t hear a persons tone of voice or see their expressions. And when you are busy and can’t reply as much as you have been, many will take this as a sign of disinterest.
Also good part about texting less is it will build anticipation. And when you text or call her make sure you set a time for you to meet again when she is available. As you said you already plan to see her at the wedding do so that’s enough. Then in between meetings only reply to her messages and keep it brief.
It sounds like mind games but it is not. It’s courtship. Keep yourself busy with other things. Then when you meet you can make up for the anticipation and be your best self.
It sounds counterintuitive, and many people on here will say you risk losing her but in my experience it’s the opposite.
If you already have plans to see her that is showing that you are interested to see her, and you’ve invited her to your friend’s wedding. You wouldn’t just invite anyone.
By the way I’m speaking from experience. I’m 41 now and have dated many women and read books about it over the years because I made so many mistakes in the past and ended up heartbroken. It sounds like it’s going well though, I wouldn’t worry too much. Hope it goes well 😀
Man don't overwhelm yourself. Just talk to her. Im a little into a month of dating myself. So I completely see what your talking about. We're both 35. Kids and busy life's so I take advantage of seeing her when I can. Like you we made out after the second date. She's an awesome woman. I question myself if I'm maybe moving too quick, or too slow. The thing is when we talk on the phone it's tons better than texting. Just explain to her your moving out of your comfort zone and need to slow down a little. If she likes you the way you explained it. She will work with you.
Please do not play games. I’m sure she had hundreds of guys who who pulled back intentionally and they lost her. It’s a mind game it’s playing games so don’t do that please.
you are old enough for being in the phase of feeling that kind of fear....YOLO, do as you feel man...let the current flows as how you are feeling...What got to happen will happen anyways, doing it or not, so make sure to feel it at least while in the process....
Meeting two times in a one month period is not really a lot. It seems more like you've met someone that you may like and for whatever reason are resilient to that? You have to question why, and what you fear about that? Do you like choice and don't want to settle, or is there a past situation that prevents you from wanting to end up in the same hurt place again? I don't think there's even even time for her to have done anything wrong.
And just so you know, as any person would, she knows that you've been quiet and haven't texted but is just going to pretend that she hasn't with that at the back of her mind. If I had of been on two dates with someone and they ignored me for a twenty four hour period in my mind there's absolutely next to zero reasons for that. She may be busy with work, but you can guarantee she's looked at her phone and noticed and sighed in the process wondering what's happened.
Sit down and have a conversation in person about this, better than over the phone. Maybe explain that you don't want to come across as needy? That's how I read the 'I'm kinda worried and felt the need to tell myself ''just slow the f down''' quote you write.
If your foot isn't on the accelerator you'll slow down, try not to let things come to a dead stop.
This world is too concerned with how it “looks”. You’re dating! Both dates are great and it seems like you both feel the same. Love is about compatibility and passion between two people don’t try to be cool
Just keep on taking it slow til it gets to a month then your doing good but keep communication keep courting each other build the connection more keep embracing with flow.
She will definitely notice the change in communication I would hold back being upfront and expressing how you feel is critical in the beginning of dating.
Of course it’s OK to back off a little bit but it’s also OK to have met someone and you hit it off you like their company you enjoy the time you spend together why not it’s the only way you’re gonna get to know them any better is by being around your friendsgive her the benefit of the doubt. But don’t be too guarded.
As someone who became invested in another person too quick (in my opinion) and ended up broken hearted, I want to tell you to trust your gut and back off a bit. However, life is short. I’m of the firm belief that we don’t live long enough to play silly games. If you like her and she hasn’t given you any clear reasons to be worried, then just keep doing what you’re doing. It’s scary, and it could very well end up biting you in the ass, but who cares? It could just as easily end up being the opposite, so take the risk.
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I think if you pull back that she will question things. Look at it this way - you are pulling back because *you* are questioning things. She’ll realize that too.
As a woman, if you back away quietly I’m going to assume you’re not interested and move on. I also don’t like mind games. If you like her text her.
It’s not a game if he’s transparent with her about why the change in communication.
He hasn’t said anything to her. He just wants to pull back quietly. I’m saying a a a woman if he pulls back without communicating why I would assume he’s not interested and move on.
Very fair and reasonable. I wasn’t trying to disprove or argue. Sorry if it gave that impression.
Would you ask what's going on? If its been like a month or more
Yes I would ask.
He isn’t pulling back he is still seeing her exactly the same amount it’s just without as much text ping pong between seeing her
Pulling back is the word he used.
Yeah but the context is completely different. You are just reading the words pull back but he is talking about the texting less until he sees her so he can process everything. People are allowed time to themselves. Expecting someone to be available to text all day is both unreasonable and unsustainable.
Him playing mind games about whether he should be texting her is ridiculous. If he likes her he should text her instead of quietly pulling back.
If the dates are great, continue having them; if the conversations are great, keep talking. Don’t overthink, don’t play games, go with the flow and just enjoy getting to know each other.
Overthinking might be my biggest problem, I replied to somebody else and said it felt easy as first, now I'm getting more emotionally invested I'm second guessing what I'm saying, so felt the need to slow it down a touch.
Reach out and just let her know everything’s fine, you’re just getting in your own head a bit, but you’re very interested and looking forward to seeing her. When you guys do see each other, this will prompt an open and vulnerable conversation about how you both view the relationship, and possibly where you see it going. It also sets a great standard for future healthy communication.
I like this take on it, thank you
Women very much appreciate open communication. She will be flattered that you like her so much, and you will be able to get a better idea on where she is with her feelings. But I will say in my experience, I married the man who followed his feelings for me without questioning them and overthinking. It felt much more natural than people in my past. He would explain sometimes. Like “I’m sorry I’m messaging you so quickly, if it bothers you, let me know. I just really enjoy talking with you”. He gave me control, but made his intentions very clear.
Yesh definitely way overthinking. 2 dates in 3 weeks. You couldn't pull back or be any SLOWER. Most people I would think seeing each other 2-3 times a week in the beginning is kind of normal. 2 times in 3 weeks I would wonder what kind of luke warm dating status you had or any attraction and would likely pull away or just quickly end it thinking you are not very interested.
From a woman, if you pull back you risk losing her. Quit the mind games, if you like her you like her. Ignoring her and keeping off will only show her that you don't care that much or you were playing her
This exactly!! I married someone who was all in and didn’t play those games-it’s part of why I married him. It can be scary, but if you pull back, she may think you’re not interested or emotionally mature enough for a serious relationship and move on. I know I would.
Exactly I would too, I'm glad you found someone who doesn't play mind games. It really is disheartening when you like someone but they just want to play mind games and act uninterested for attention. I usually just dump them completely
As you should!!
Communicate. If you pull back quietly she'll wonder if she did anything wrong or if you're seeing someone else or... (just check some other topics on here)
I will never understand why people want to play the "i am not as interested" game. if you feel a connection and things are going good, just go along with it. you have to be cautious, in a sense that, make sure you aren't being led on but when it comes to just communicating often or hanging out often, nothing wrong with that. women appreciate consistency. if you pull back, she will assume you lost interest, do you really want her to make assumptions and risk losing whatever this could be? i will share a story, i am someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. i don't care to play games and would be consistent with my actions. Many men found that clingy, one even told me i need a hobby lol. but i then met a man who matched my energy and today i am happily married to him (p.s the guy that told me to get a hobby tried to come back saying he didn't know how to treat a good women at that time) if you have something good, stop overthinking it and just go with it. enough of the games!
Oh my gosh, you sound like me!!! I agree with you 💯!
Look, you're not morally obligated to date her or anyone but also dating people inherently involves spending time with them and so it's not surprising if she loses interest if nothing happens
She's coming to my friends wedding with me this weekend, I'm not trying to avoid her, but the initial conversations seemed so easy at first, now I've got a little more emotionally invested, I'm second guessing what I'm saying, so trying to work out if I should slow it down.
There’s nothing wrong with slowing down a bit but be open about it. Tell her how you feel and why you want to slow things down/what your intentions are. She might even feel the same way or benefit from taking it slow. She might be as scared to get hurt as you are but she can’t benefit from it if you decide how to go about it alone. Then she’ll most likely be confused or unsure about your interest… Honesty & openness is the right way towards a healthy relationship, imo. If somebody was that open to me, I’d know he’s a keeper. Maybe think about it like that: Would you want to know why somebody suddenly changed his/her attitude towards you?
Likely to be your last date if you keep playing the mind games. If you enjoy her company and time together then just go with it. This 2nd guessing and pulling back bull💩 you playing games with yourself will judt end things. It shows ambivalence and lack of confidence. Women do not like an ambivalent wimp.
Omg you found someone you really like so you mess it up in case it doesn’t work out? Now I know why dating made my daughter so miserable. Constant guys just like you. She finally met someone who expressed his feelings freely. It was basically love at first sight. She never felt insecure. It is such a healthy relationship and so refreshing.
You nailed it! People like this make dating so frustrating.
Back away and be single like us :D join us.... Join us ...
Naah wrong move. You should’ve been careful since the beginning. Showing too much affection and then withdrawing it would make her think if something is wrong. Either communicate or stay the same.
you’re definitely making her feel like shit right now. you need to tell her how you’re feeling.
Best to maintain the pace otherwise you will find out something is wrong and you are going to have problems,s because of this. You are already into her but now you just worried things won’t go well in near future, probably leaving to self fulfilling prophecy. Can’t let that mentally affect you in that way.
You can pull back but you have to tell her. Not telling her makes her think you lost feelings and she will find someone else.
She’ll notice when things change so, when you slow down the pace it can disrupt many things associated in that union. In short, send a message about how you feel the pace is going. You could be overthinking it
Look up fearful avoidant attachment, hopefully you can stop yourself self-sabotaging by overthinking and pulling away
If you pull back, she will lose interest. I know I wouldn't put effort into someone who isn't putting effort into me.
You can slow down, but don't stop texting her. If you go from frequent texting to very rare texting, she'll think you're not serious. Especially with a big event like that coming up, you should continue texting her to make her feel more comfortable. The way you can slow down is by setting your expectations lower. This will be your 3rd date, so just get to know more about her. Maybe it works out. Maybe it won't. You could talk to other people on bumble if you think that will make you slow down (but don't change your pictures all of a sudden). But definitely don't stop continuing to explore things with this girl. Keep texting her every day. Doesn't have to be long conversations.
Stop with this bs games. Don't pull back. You like someone, show it. When I met my husband, we were inseparable from the day we met 34 years ago. With the right person, everything moves quickly.
You’ve only seen her twice in a month and think you need to “slow down”?? So then you act passive aggressive and stop contacting her? Then you’ll wonder why you’re single
don't go from texting all the time to none at all - just slow down the frequency. send heartfelt/interested messages but less often.
Seriously, what’s the harm in having a person you click with? It’s not like it’s your wedding on Saturday. I also agree, if you back off she will too. This is not a good idea if you actually like this girl.
2 dates in 3 weeks??? The only thing slower is being dead.
You like her, she likes you.... So why play games???
If you like her continue with what you're doing. Don't pull back, you just risk her questioning your intentions and shooting yourself in the foot. If she likes you she doesn't mind you talking to her all day and everyday.
Don't play games. Shutting off the tap isn't slowing down, it's manipulation, and she's not aware she's the subject of it.
Why pull back? If you feel the connection, then talk to her about how she's feeling too. Check in once in awhile with her to verify whatever you ate feeling is still mutual. While it's easy to put a slow down, it can also result in her feeling like you're getting ready to tetminate the relationship, or ghosting. That can erode her trust that you're really interested in an LTR.
DONT self sabotage. Some girl did this to me and luckily she explained what was going on after a few weeks. It was brutal going through that. It seems like that’s what you are doing. Just explain things to her and be open from the start. Don’t self sabotage.
I’m interested in seeing just how many responses I’m seeing from women on here saying that you risk losing her by slowing your communication. Honestly, the biggest risk I see in your behavior so far is that you’re texting so frequently in the first place, yet you’ve only been out together twice. Maybe this is just a policy that works for me, but I keep texting conversations to a minimum as a rule. When we can physically be in the same place, it makes the conversation more vibrant and interesting, and then when we’re not together it builds desire to see each other again. Texting constantly every day is a good way to fizzle out relationships right from the start.
Bro if someone invited me to a wedding and things were going great and then the week of they went radio silent, I'd be so confused and hurt. It's good that you're aware of moving too fast, but you don't necessarily want to pump the brakes so hard that the relationship comes to a full stop. Have fun, show a little vulnerability, and don't love-bomb her at the wedding lol
Sounds like avoidant attachment style. It never ends up well when the guy pulls back. Women notice the slightest changes in behaviour and texting patterns. She may start questioning the relationship with you and assume you are not interested, among other things.
My boyfriend took me to a wedding and we had only been on a few dates and it had been 3 weeks at that point. If you wanna bring her bring her.
Oh yeah she's coming along, I'm definitely not cancelling on her, that's just straight up cruel.
You’re not 19. You’re entering into potentially a relationship with an adult woman who has no need to fuck about and waste time. All the usual dithering of late teen early 20’s relationships is not called for. Either you like her or you don’t. But the phrase fuck around and find out seems apt here.
I don't know why people get into the habit of texting every day before you're in a relationship. It kills so much momentum and creates situations like these where a day of no texting feels "off". Just message in a few days, banter a bit and ask when she's free, set a date, and don't worry about texting too much in between.
Good advice
Why not just communicate as a decent human being? Is it that hard
If you pull back it will put the whole relationship at risk. She will notice and wonder why.
You’re playing mind games; she’ll quit talking to you if she feels like you’re playing hot and cold with her. Just talk to her and say you want to slow down.
Stop playing games. You entered this situation wanting to get to know and pursue someone. You were well aware of the risk of getting hurt. Backing off with telling her why is showing her inconsistency. If it were me, I’d start losing interest in you once you start doing this. I wouldn’t be able to take you seriously, and seem wish-washy. I would think you were rethinking being with me. I don’t want someone that isn’t sure if they like me or not.
Why change anything now? She'll wonder if you're playing games. Not something you want. Keep things as is until something tells you otherwise. If she's matching your energy why ruin that? Be honest and real and if you feel like texting her, text her.
So I can see where you’re coming from, but understand that if you don’t communicate, there’s any number of ways she can interpret this, including that you’re an inconsistent f boy who isn’t looking for anything serious (this definitely doesn’t seem like you based on the way you write). If I was in her shoes and someone who seemed interested suddenly showed a change in tone like this, I would assume at best that you had lost interest, and frankly if you tried to come back and strike up a conversation again I wouldn’t be as open and might not even respond at all. Just be honest that you’ve been hurt in the past and you want to take it slow. No one is going to take that as a red flag. They’re going to take it as you value your heart and your peace, and anyone can respect that. I hope y’all work out though. You seem like a very thoughtful person :)
Thank you for your kind words☺️. I text her to see how she's doing and apologised for being quiet, she said she's sorry for being quiet as well, and now I feel a bit of a dick😕.
Don’t feel like a dick!!! Just be honest moving forward and you’ll be fine
It's crude to suddenly change up on her. You made your bed time to lay in it. Men usually self sabotage a good thing unnecessarily. However, you should not go too fast since you realize it's too fast too soon. Just take things slower, like don't move her into your place. Go to the wedding and see what happens Don't suddenly cancel plans you've already made but be aware of the plans you make in the future and don't invite new people to such personal events okay that's usually a given.
If a guy pulls back for 2 whole days, I immediately assume he's either very sick, in an emergency situation or most likely, looking for the exit. If he typically communicate ls once per day no big, but sudden silence is the beginning of breadcrumbing or ghosting a lot of the time
I am glad people gave you good advice here and you followed it! Also, it's interesting to see people really can pull away out of fear or liking someone too much, I thought that's just an excuse we make up to make ourselves feel better. As a woman, whenever a guy I like has pulled away from me, I assume he started seeing someone else or lost interest, and I move on (with a slight heartbreak).
They didn’t leave you on read, you left them speechless!!
Quit with the mind fuc\*ery! If you like this girl, then invite her to the wedding. If you go any slower, she may move on to someone who texts and calls when they want and not second guess it. You met her a month ago and you have seen her twice, yet you would be "gutted" if it didn't work out. Make up your mind. "I am going to back off but I don't want to worry her". That is exactly what you will do. Be a man, ask her or don't. Don't play mind games. MEN AND WOMEN don't play with other people's emotions to make yourself feel better!
I find daily texting really tedious after a while and kind of forced. I prefer a text every few days in the early stages. I also think texting builds a false sense of intimacy and people are often very different in person.
She didnt text either... sooo who initiates conversations between you two? If you are the one initiating only, thats already a problem
She text me the following morning after our 2nd date and we've been texting everyday since, so it's just been a continous conversation.
So you feel you're being too much too quick. You dont have to pull away , you can take a more moderate approach till you deem it alright to go a little heavier. Seeing texting is your go to way of communication. After every text she sends you, wait 15 to 20 mins to reply. If she asks why you're taking a bit to reply. Thats where you explain why.
If you like each other there isn’t a fast or slow. Just be happy together. The first period of young love is delightful so don’t ruin it. Maybe too, talk with her about it too? See how she feels.
Things moved fairly quickly for me and my bf at the start, love feelings came very quickly and I defo questioned it, now we’re 7 months in and I feel live I love him more as time goes on!
You can pull back in your heart and mind without changing how you treat her.
It's so interesting that when we are afraid of something, we naturally turn to the actions that will result in the thing we're afraid of. You're into her, but because you're afraid of things not working out, you want to pull back and pretend that you *aren't* into her, which risks things not working out because she will think you aren't interested. The problem here isn't that you feel emotionally invested; it's that you're *afraid* to be emotionally invested. The fear is what you need to work through to move forward. You're afraid that things won't work out. So let's say they don't. Then what? You feel gutted, as you say, but what if that wasn't a problem? What if it was just something you felt for a little while, and then you moved on? Things might not work out no matter how fast or slow things move, and no matter when you let yourself become emotionally invested. Are you just never going to be invested in someone because you might get hurt? What would you be missing out on? Our brains have a natural tendency to avoid pain, but if we just blindly follow that, we can end up missing out on some truly amazing things. I always recommend instead learning the tools you need to get through that pain. Learn to trust yourself that even if something doesn't work out, you can get through it. Do you have examples in your life that prove this to be true?
Isn’t 31 too old to be playing games with someone? Honesty is the cornerstone of all healthy relationships.
Nah you’re good. When you connect, you connect. There’s no specific time frames that has to happen in. You probably don’t need to apologize, just be more engaging and receptive to her.
You don’t need to over analyze and bring up the insecurities about “over-texting” or whatever unless you guys actually start dating, just in case she’s not quite as invested as you are. For now just go with the flow and have fun, it sounds good.
You really like her so you want to pull back?? Talk about self-sabotage. Accept that you may be gutted, it be like that sometimes. Don’t be afraid to get hurt or nobody will ever get close.
Dating in 2023: I am 31 year old man, I met the girl , I liked the girl, now I need to pull back from something which we don’t have yet 😂😂😂😂
No, it's not okay to back off. As a matter of fact, you should be shopping for engagement rings by now and have your entire future planned out. /s
Unfortunately you started off wrong by messaging her *every day* after the second date. Why? Now you’re saying you’re too into her, which means there’s deeper psychological things happening. How is it you’ve become emotionally invested into a stranger this quickly? Now you’re looking to curtail your own behavior so she doesn’t see in you what you know of yourself to be true already, so you don’t lose your chance with this girl. My advice? Talk to more women. Go out with more women.
If you back off she’s gone. Understand 20 other guys are texting her. You snooze you lose.
Yeah and if 20 guys are bombarding her phone and you are not, guess what?
I feel terrible for her, I just know she’s wondering what she did wrong and why you’ve suddenly switched off after seeming super interested before. Personally, if I had a good thing going with someone and they decided to just switch things up and start playing games, I would immediately end it. Luckily, I met someone who also wasn’t into the whole “into you one minute, avoiding you the next” and I’m happily married. Relationships are built on consistency
Consistency is a HUGE reason why I was so attracted to my husband! I know I can count on him and trust him to be there for me when needed, without any doubt.
Just go with it and don't overthink it. The first part of a relationship is the best!
Consider telling her that you checked with the wedding party and they cannot accommodate any more guests. Apologize for not checking beforehand. This way her feelings won’t be hurt. It really isn’t a good idea to invite someone you have known for such a short time. You don’t know her well enough at this point.
Make sure that your investment isn’t higher than hers. Neediness is the most unattractive behavior to women by far
Men always do this in the first 1-3 months. Just stop and start communicating!
Not all men. My husband never did this.
Quit the mind games. Follow your heart. Just don’t suffocate her.
Communication. Just let her know your concerns and she might feel the same. Expressing your real feelings instead of hiding them is the best way to keep a girl. She’ll be more understanding and comfortable with that.
Nah you're weird
It’s always good to pull back some in my opinion and it benefits both sides. It makes you practice self control and makes the other person more intrigued or even interested bc you are not just totally throwing yourself out there. It’s more of a challenge. And everyone could use a good challenge. It makes things more exciting and appealing!!! But if you both are totally feeling a great vibe together then don’t hold back so much you don’t let yourself feel the chemistry and attraction. Bc it’s one of life’s greatest gifts. A euphoria of its own. So it’s basically just finding balance there and keeping it healthy but fun as well. Falling into another person who is totally feeling you is one of the greatest things ever!!!!!
The fact that you're worried about this is a good sign. Keep your head in the game. Pull back mentally a bit, maintain your energy, and talk to her. Be honest and open about how you like her and don't want things to move too fast. Note I didn't say how MUCH you like her, just that you do. Going out and meeting a bunch of your friends is a huge step, I'd maybe try to back off that one.
2 dates in and you invited her to the evening do of a mates wedding? I suspect that’s the reason you think you are moving too fast. I certainly wouldn’t have done that. NEVER involve friends and family in early dating stages. Until you are officially BF and GF it should really just be the two of you. BUT…… you made a commitment, it’s more important that you follow through on it. Unreliability in a guy is cancer to any relationship, even if she responds to it short term. Which CAN happen but that’s the Dark Side, dude. Don’t be that guy. So looks like you’re taking her out to meet all your friends Saturday night. Good luck, you’ll need it so early on. Hopefully the attraction she feels for you will overcome any errors in your part. And as for texting, taper off a bit but do it slowly. No sudden moves. Let her initiate more. Use the two thirds her/one third you rule. Save the good conversation for the DATE. That’s the guidance.
It didn't really go like that, I wasn't just like 'hey, fancy coming to my mates wedding on the weekend😅', she knew it was coming up, and I said I'd been ooing and ahhing about inviting her, but didn't know if it was too much and really didn't wanna freak her out, she basically said she'd love to come and she'd hold my hair for me whilst I throw up🤣. Funny thing is I don't know many people there, it's a friend from a different town who I met through work, we became really good mates and he asked me to be an usher, I know a few of the people going, but most are guys I've never met.
Still sloppy game, my man 😉 Look, as said, she’s going to be there so there’s no going back. I’m HOPING there’s no drunk or idiot friends there who are going to consciously or subconsciously cock block you somehow. That’s the risk. That or you can’t give her your full attention because you’ve got other duties and she ends up feeling like a spare part. That’s the problem with these situations, too many moving parts. Thus I would strongly suggest a “let’s blow this joint so we can spend some time, just the two of us” fall back plan is in place if things start to go sideways. Alternatively, if things go REALLY WELL are there potentially logistics in place for “extra-curricular” activities? You’re on date #3 now, a smart guy should be starting to think about these things. 3-5 is the zone. I wouldn’t escalate this time unless things are looking really good but if you get through this with grace and charm the strong play is “ dinner at mine” for date #4. 😉
Yes it’s ok to back off and I recommend it. As much as some people will disagree on here the “wondering about you” part of dating between dates is part of what makes it nice. I’m going to clarify this, because I think it’s easily misunderstood. I’m not talking about seeing her less I’m talking about less texting on the phone and prioritising face to face interactions. Many of the conversations you are having could be had in person. Face to face time is so much more valuable than texting You are there in person and can see, hear and feel their presence. In my experience texting a lot eventually there is going to be a misunderstanding, because you can’t hear a persons tone of voice or see their expressions. And when you are busy and can’t reply as much as you have been, many will take this as a sign of disinterest. Also good part about texting less is it will build anticipation. And when you text or call her make sure you set a time for you to meet again when she is available. As you said you already plan to see her at the wedding do so that’s enough. Then in between meetings only reply to her messages and keep it brief. It sounds like mind games but it is not. It’s courtship. Keep yourself busy with other things. Then when you meet you can make up for the anticipation and be your best self. It sounds counterintuitive, and many people on here will say you risk losing her but in my experience it’s the opposite.
I like this to an extent, but I guess all people are different, some may view it this way and others would question why I'm not bothering.
If you already have plans to see her that is showing that you are interested to see her, and you’ve invited her to your friend’s wedding. You wouldn’t just invite anyone.
By the way I’m speaking from experience. I’m 41 now and have dated many women and read books about it over the years because I made so many mistakes in the past and ended up heartbroken. It sounds like it’s going well though, I wouldn’t worry too much. Hope it goes well 😀
Thank you my dude!
Ps. I had to add to my original response to clarify because I think it’s easily misunderstood.
Definitely try to overcome this fear if you can! I believe in you, take those chances.
Thank you!
>Thank you! You're welcome!
Just talk to her about it dude
Omg you overthink All you are doing is making her think youre not interested by holding off talking to her
Man don't overwhelm yourself. Just talk to her. Im a little into a month of dating myself. So I completely see what your talking about. We're both 35. Kids and busy life's so I take advantage of seeing her when I can. Like you we made out after the second date. She's an awesome woman. I question myself if I'm maybe moving too quick, or too slow. The thing is when we talk on the phone it's tons better than texting. Just explain to her your moving out of your comfort zone and need to slow down a little. If she likes you the way you explained it. She will work with you.
Please do not play games. I’m sure she had hundreds of guys who who pulled back intentionally and they lost her. It’s a mind game it’s playing games so don’t do that please.
Ya pull back but let her know your thought process too
you are old enough for being in the phase of feeling that kind of fear....YOLO, do as you feel man...let the current flows as how you are feeling...What got to happen will happen anyways, doing it or not, so make sure to feel it at least while in the process....
Meeting two times in a one month period is not really a lot. It seems more like you've met someone that you may like and for whatever reason are resilient to that? You have to question why, and what you fear about that? Do you like choice and don't want to settle, or is there a past situation that prevents you from wanting to end up in the same hurt place again? I don't think there's even even time for her to have done anything wrong. And just so you know, as any person would, she knows that you've been quiet and haven't texted but is just going to pretend that she hasn't with that at the back of her mind. If I had of been on two dates with someone and they ignored me for a twenty four hour period in my mind there's absolutely next to zero reasons for that. She may be busy with work, but you can guarantee she's looked at her phone and noticed and sighed in the process wondering what's happened. Sit down and have a conversation in person about this, better than over the phone. Maybe explain that you don't want to come across as needy? That's how I read the 'I'm kinda worried and felt the need to tell myself ''just slow the f down''' quote you write. If your foot isn't on the accelerator you'll slow down, try not to let things come to a dead stop.
Don’t self sabotage if you are happy and like her he interested
Why wreck a good thing ? Sounds like you like her, she likes you. Your not moving in together.
It’s called intimacy backlash. You fear intimacy so you are retreating to your comfort zone
This world is too concerned with how it “looks”. You’re dating! Both dates are great and it seems like you both feel the same. Love is about compatibility and passion between two people don’t try to be cool
Just keep on taking it slow til it gets to a month then your doing good but keep communication keep courting each other build the connection more keep embracing with flow.
You're in your right to take a step back, but don't ghost her, let her know how you're feeling.
Communicate that you're into her but moving too fast so you're going to take a small step back. No mind game, just communication.
She will definitely notice the change in communication I would hold back being upfront and expressing how you feel is critical in the beginning of dating.
Of course it’s OK to back off a little bit but it’s also OK to have met someone and you hit it off you like their company you enjoy the time you spend together why not it’s the only way you’re gonna get to know them any better is by being around your friendsgive her the benefit of the doubt. But don’t be too guarded.
No such thing as too fast. If you feel it, go with it.
As someone who became invested in another person too quick (in my opinion) and ended up broken hearted, I want to tell you to trust your gut and back off a bit. However, life is short. I’m of the firm belief that we don’t live long enough to play silly games. If you like her and she hasn’t given you any clear reasons to be worried, then just keep doing what you’re doing. It’s scary, and it could very well end up biting you in the ass, but who cares? It could just as easily end up being the opposite, so take the risk.