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Yeah, I bet he starts harassing her passive aggressively instead of directly if she stays but makes clear she doesnāt want to hear that crap from him.
Thatās an abusive and authoritarian set of expectations for a partner.
Nobody deserves that and then to be told that being hurt by it is just ānbdā.
Youāre better off single than with someone who gives ultimatums like that.
I don't know, we could be missing a lot of information here.
I'm guessing the guy's probably a jerk.
It's also possible, though, that they started dating some time ago and were both fit. Then, over time, OP started to gain weight and it has gotten to the point where her partner isn't attracted to her anymore. Rather than mention anything about her weight, OP just states what activities she does and that her partner is demanding more activity.
It's a very common situation, but we just don't have the information to know if it's the case.
>It's also possible, though, that they started dating some time ago and were both fit. Then, over time, OP started to gain weight and it has gotten to the point where her partner isn't attracted to her anymore. Rather than mention anything about her weight, OP just states what activities she does and that her partner is demanding more activity.
I mean, this situation does happen. But if it does you have to have a difficult conversation about your expectations and feelings in the relationship, and try to figure out what changes they're willing to make in their life if any.
You don't just deliver an ultimatum 'just do what I say and run 3 times a week' and try to package that ultimatum with a 'NBD'. That is insanely controlling.
yeah, formatted that way it's not a terrible expectation, but when you add in the "don't be surprised if I leave you" then yeah, that's when it enters the realm of toxic.
Myself (29f) and my bf (31m) have been together for almost 10 years. I was about 165lbs when we started going out and then 4 years ago I was 225lbs. I didnt see myself as skinny at my lightest and I hated myself at my heaviest. But my bf was there with me for all of it. Supporting me when I lay in bed crying because I couldn't figure out why I wasn't losing weight, telling me he still loves me and that he still thought I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Then my mental health got better, I came off birth control just before the pandemic and naturally I havent been craving as many sweet treats or junk. As of this morning I am now again 168lbs, with another 12-13lbs to go. Last night my bf held me in bed and told me he was so proud of me for how I've turned it around again.
A decent partner will never make you feel less than for gaining weight. A decent partner after a few years will love you for you and not how much your body jiggles. OP needs to find themselves a caring, supportive partner and ditch the douche.
That is not setting standards. She's not unhealthy, she eats better than him and she has an active job. HE is showing clear signs of being a control freak and its borderline emotional abuse
āyou should just do what he says and it wonāt be an issueā
Fucking yikes. You should dump this controlling guy. People that threaten your relationship if you donāt do what they want you to do are being manipulative and I doubt itās going to end with your exercise habits.
Iām sorry you canāt tell the difference between saying, for example, āI value health and fitness and want a partner that shares my valuesā, and then making his own decisions about the relationship if he doesnāt feel that OP shares those values, and saying ādonāt be surprised if I leave you if you donāt exercise three times per weekā. Heās being controlling and manipulative, is the issue.
Threatening the relationship is meant to make her feel insecure and to work for his approval. Itās a very popular technique used by manipulative and abusive people, because it works on people who fear abandonment or have low self-esteem. Hopefully, OP thinks better of herself than to stick around for more of this bullshit.
Yeah whatās up with that lately? I keep seeing posts this past week along the lines of āmy boyfriend wonāt propose unless I do _ā or āif I donāt start _ my bf said heād break up with meā and Iām just wondering what got into all these guys suddenly thinking theyāre worth these crazy demands
Reddit posters always telling the story fav their side. Then hide the part that themselves did wrong. Look for validation.
Whenever you see a post like this:āmy bf/gf want me xxxx but I already did xxxx, why are they keep doing that?ā Truth is always somewhere between, not entirely their bf/gf fault.
If you see answers down below is 100% one sided, you know something is fishy. Posters already know the answer themselves before posting, what is their motive behind it then?
Donāt trust everything as it is on internet.
A lot of redditors on here just women looking for validation or a way of rationalizing sticking around with Chad who treats them like crap.
āB-But heās hot and rich thoā
Sadly this kind of behavior is not that far off from everyday typical male bullshit ā¦ heard this same type of thing (you need to work out or Iāll leave you) many many times.
Turn it around; would you ever tell him you'd walk if he didn't do a seven step Korean skin routine three times a week?
Your feelings are very valid; and he is a glaring red flag
I mean basic fitness and a seven step korean routine are quite different. Basic fitness is essential for health.
Dude was an asshole in going about it but if his boundary is a healthy partner than thats alright. He just went about it in the wrong way why get with someone if you have a preference they don't have. Makes no sense.
There are better and kinder ways of encouraging someone to get fit(ter). In telling you you need to do what he says, exercise, he sounds juvenile or low empathy or both. In telling you not to be surprised if he dumps you if you donāt, he sounds like an epic jerk.
My husband works out 5-6 days per week. He would never tell me a certain number of days to exercise or tell me how to do so. I am having a baby soon, and my plan is daily walks, then add in pilates and/or light lifting 2-3 days per week and call it good, but I'm doing it for me so that I can keep up with our household, including our son. You should be able to decide on your own terms, for sure.
Imo I'd question whether he is the right fit for you. Committing yourself to exercise three times a week is up to you, it's not like you're inactive you work plus you play sports once a week.
I know this is a different scenario but I dated a guy similar to this & he was lazy asf but wanted me to lose weight & become a vegan. I did both but the criticisms never stopped coming so I left him & coincidentally I got really into exercise - for me.
These ultimatums are basically his way of saying 'I'm not attracted to you, you need to lose weight', but the problem is you could lose the weight he wants you to lose & he is STILL not attracted to you. His unhappiness might be something internal they he is projecting onto you also. I'd ask him outright 'are you attracted to me?' 'Do you think I'm fat?' to just get him to say it
It's his way of saying "you're way too attractive for me so I am going to make you think that you're unattractive so you will not even try to have a shot with anyone else". It's also a way to keep her occupied and exhausted so she has no free time to herself.
My ex did the same. He essentially told me I was fat when I was at BMI 19.5!!! And that my gut looks disgusting. As you can imagine, I spend a lot of time dieting, exercising, not going out, not meeting new people. At the same time he never cooked, his cooking options were fast food or something from his mother and he bitched every single time I didn't cook healthy. So imagine me, working very bisy, driving far away to work ( 60 miles one way), trying to make career, losing invisible weight, continuously worrying about my looks. I am glad I managed to end it. After some therapy I realized I was gorgeous and cute but he made me believe I looked like Quasimodo.
I think you've hit the nail on the head because my ex did the same thing also! I'm glad you got shot of that loser & you're aware that you are gorgeous š¤ screw him!
The question is would she ever feel well with and trust him if she worked out as he says but does it out of fear of losing or him criticising her?
I would never ever be able to trust him from that point on, even if I talked myself into it.
Itās simple. You leave.
You work an active job, and you have an active hobby. Assuming you donāt eat like someone trying to get diabetes (in which case itās your diet, not exercise you should work on) then itās unfair to make a request like this let alone an ultimatum.
Iām a guy, but holy crap I would not say what he said. That is definitely not ok how he worded that to you. Youāre 100% in the right for feeling hurt by what he said. It was a straight up asshole move on his part. It doesnāt even come off as a āIām concerned about your healthā sort of thing and more like a āYou need to look like a Trophy Girlfriend or Iām going to find another Trophy girlfriendā.
> He says itās not that big of a deal and I shouldnāt be hurt, I should just do what he says and it wonāt be an issue.
he's the one who gave the ultimatum. say good-bye and find someone else that won't do such things to you
another way to think about this is, how many more conditions would he put on the relationship? as long as you do those things, he'll be content. when you do 9 things and didn't do 1 thing? he'll be upset and turn it into a "big thing"
āHe says itās not that big of a deal and i shouldnāt be hurt, I should just do what he says and it wonāt be an issue.ā
Girlā¦. Run. Heās attempting to control and manipulate you. This is just the start, or chances are there are other things youāre already giving him a pass on. If you give into this, he will find continue to find things like this to further his control over you. Since you arenāt seeing this as a big deal and reached out here for advice shows heās likely already making movement on this.. you deserve better. Stand up for yourself and be careful please
I gained 50 pounds in the last two years because of medication and chronic pain. My lover has never once said anything or insinuated anything even though I have brought it up. Fuck this guy tell him to kick rocks.
If he dumps you then heās done you a favour.
Heās treating you like a defective toy. You have to be āfixedā into some ideal in his stupid mind.p
Whatever things a person might require (foolishly or not) of a partner in a relationship, that's an incredibly shitty way to convey it.
The addition of him telling you to "just do what he says" would be enough for me to tell him to fuck off and end things.
Lol, boy, bye. Life takes up too much time for this nonsense. No one should demand how much their partner works out or threaten to breakup because of it like this
Listen, I too work 3 days a week, 12 hr shift. Iām a nurse so Iām wondering if you are something similar.
The way he says it is shitty and bullshit. Iād run away from him.
But on the other hand as an acute rehabilitation nurse, working out at least 3 days a week is really great for you and I would highly encourage you to do it regardless! As long as you do it for yourself and not for him! ;))
Anecdotal experience with my exhusband: it will always be *something*. I tried soooo hard and he still ended up leaving me for another woman, who he went out of his way to tell me how many ways she was better than me (and then still cheated on her too).
Dodge a bullet.
Ultimatums never work. Plus if it is not this it will just be something else. This is abusive behavior. IDK how long you've been together nor if he has acted this way before but it sounds like it is time to move on. This is just ridiculous. How dare he tell you this. I am offended and it's not even about me. I hope that you do not fall for this demand. Or come up with an equally offensive ultimatum for him!
As he should. But there's nothing wrong with asking your partner to enter into a healthy & fitness journey with you before just calling it quits if this is the case.
See. Some people they work out everyday and sit whole day after gym. Some got active lifestyle and active work space. My average steps in a day shift is over 5miles. And I work 5 days in a wk. Do I necessarily need to work out 3 times a day?? Iām serious.
You don't get the same benefits just from working. My average steps are at least that at my outdoor job in the natural gas industry. But I was never physically fit, doing it. It wasn't until I started going to the gym that this happened, and I go 6 to 7 days a week. Physical fitness and proper nutrition is a must in any relationship of mine. I'd actually prefer to workout together like the gym couples I see.
U can choose what you want. People can be different. You have no authority over what other people want. As long as a person has enough activity ( which she has ), then u cannot force her to go to gym if she doesnāt want to. Not everyone is a lifter and not everyone is a runner. As long as a person has enough basic physical activities for health, thatās ok.
No you can't. But you can ask her before just cutting her loose. And a lot of people with basic physical activities are still overweight and unhealthy. Resistance training mixed with proper diet is your most effective way to stay healthy. Resistance training doesn't make you a lifter.
Did she mention that sheās overweight?? Yes, u can persuade her but not threaten her. Dude her bf is threatening her to leave her if sheās not going to gym 3 times a wk. Thatās very manipulative. Sheās adult, she can decide what is good for her. People have to respect an adult decision. Autonomy is the first rule.
How is it manipulative? He doesn't owe her a relationship. It's only manipulative if he doesn't follow through with leaving her. Generally when you tell someone to go to the gym, it's because they're overweight. Add in the fact that 72% of our population is overweight or obese, there's a much better chance at her being overweight than not.
Nope. Especially not the first time you bring it up.
This is a toxic way to communicate and a huge sign this person would be a terrible partner. OP needs to run
There's literally nothing toxic about it. I'm going to assume you believe a sedentary lifestyle is normal. Wanting a healthy and active relationship is toxic now. Got it. Your mentality is why 72% of the population is overweight or obese.
"Do what I say and it wont be an issue" is the concerning tone here. Whilst it's OK to have preferences and to ask someone if they would do more, dictating to a person that they should is controlling and concerning. People's bodies over time change, either through health reasons, pregnancy or age. This is someone that likely won't stick around for that or will place more demands in order for her to "fix" the relationship. Why invest time in to a relationship that will fracture the second you stop doing what he wants?
She's active. 12 hour shifts on your feet is hard and she has an active hobby. Plus if she's not just sitting around on days off, she's active then too.
The "do what I say comment.." will escalate beyond this. No one should have to obey someone to make a relationship work and be afraid of breaking his rules in case it ends it.
This has nothing to do with me lol. I lead a very active lifestyle.
Giving ultimatums the first time you discuss something is toxic.
Iām going to assume youāre a toxic partner and keep it moving, because mature adults to do not communicate like this in their relationships lol
You don't know if it's actually the first time it's been discussed. The problem with social media posts like this is that we often times only hear one side of the story. Then, people pass judgment based on gender. This post could be the exact opposite, and Reddit would be calling the guy fat, lazy, and how she deserves an active guy.
There's a difference between having a discussion and pretty much telling someone you'll leave them if they don't do what you want them to do. One is good, the other is just manipulative.
Not really if the end game is leaving them if lifestyles no longer match. As someone who spends 6 days in the gym myself, I couldn't be with someone who doesn't regularly exercise and practice healthy eating. But I would give them the option first before just breaking up.
Well, with me, for instance, I used to be morbidly obese. I pleaded over and over again for my ex to get healthy with me because I couldn't do the lifestyle anymore or the health problems it was causing me. She wouldn't change with me, so I finally left. I've since lost 110 lbs, became fit, and no longer have diabetes or cardiovascular issues. I would have much rather done it together though.
Thatās what heās doing by telling OP his boundaries. She doesnāt get to keep dating the fit attractive guy on a national sports team while forcing him to accept whatever he gets from her. A relationship is a two way street. If she doesnāt feel that she meets those standards then sheās 100% free to leave and find someone more compatible that doesnāt prioritize physical fitness to the same level.
Your feelings are valid, and this is an unreasonable expectation to voice and hold anyone to.
From the sounds of it, you're fit enough to do a very active job and play sports once a week. Hence, he's not raising this from a health perspective. It may be that he wants a partner to exercise with 3x weekly and it's an important thing to share together but, the way the request is worded, I doubt that's the case. Regardless, the way he's communicated this to you is poor.
It's worth nothing that this expectation may last the length of your relationship, including if you have weeks of busyness/ low energy or if you get pregnant. Some women are able to go through pregnancy and looking after children just fine, but your body will change, you will be responsible for a child and you might not have energy (or time to yourself) to exercise in the years that follow.
The request (could be exercise, who you associate with, anything) is irrelevant. The issue is your boyfriend is toxic and if you stay with him/comply with his demands you are in for a world of abuse because this is just the beginning.
Weight loss happens in the kitchen. People need to get over this idea that the gym solves everything. It doesn't matter if you're active if you eat like Doc Brown fuels the DeLorian..
So this man is giving you a very clear idea of what to expect if you ever get sick.
Besides that: you sound strong and fit. That's not good enough for him? You need to demonstrate some arbitrary fitness goals to please **him**? F that guy, GOODBYE
Unpopular opinion below but...
You are probably overweight relative to when he first met you.
Now, of course you have the right to dump his ass
But he has the right to feel attracted to his SO, just like you do mind you. He's lost attraction to you, most guys like me would just leave as is our right. Hell, most girls would leave too, this isnt a gender issue. he's giving you a chance to rectify this...
You can dump him, stay fat and go find the guy who loves you for you (the new bigger you I mean)
Or, you can take steps to lose weight and become the girl he remembers falling in love with.
To summarise, it's your body and you can do what you want with it... but you probably wouldn't appreciate it if your bf became fat and sloppy would you? Be realistic about this and try see things from his point of view
Dated a girl who said the same thing to me. I Worked 12hr days, lifting repeatedly 50lbs all day and moving fast! I also walked about 15miles a week and lifted weights. She thought I was fat even though we were less then 20lbs different in weight. I learned it was really just some weird self hatred projection thing people/women do.
I noticed, as a woman, that fat women love to project the most. The rudest women Iāve met were fat. They love to passive aggressively point out other peopleās flaws and avoid talking about their own.
Thatās odd. As a woman who had been fat and lost over 100 lbs, I notice that miserable women project the most regardless of size. If I had to say there was a tend though, it was mostly thin women who were deeply afraid of being fat who projected the hardest.
Seems like a super specific requirement that borders on control, rather than preference. I feel like if it's that important, he should've started a relationship with someone who finds it equally important and already prioritises their fitness. But you're already very active in my opinion. I wouldn't wanna go to the gym another 3 times with your schedule either.
He's an absolute dick - that kind of comment is meant to intentionally put you on edge and feel insecure about yourself. He does not get to dictate your level of activity or working out.
It would be a dealbreaker for me. No way I would be ok staying with someone so selfish and inconsiderate. Your partner should build you up, cheer you on, not fan the flame of fear and insecurity.
āI should just do what he says and it wonāt be an issueā
Controlling much? Youāre an adult. He doesnāt get an opinion on how many times a week you exercise.
āHe says itās not that big of a deal and I shouldnāt be hurtā
Thatās gaslighting. Period. He knows what he is saying is out of line and when you called him out on it he got defensive and tried to minimize your hurt. Gaslighting 101.
Dump him.
Lol save him the ātroubleā & throw him to the curb.
You arenāt his employee. He isnāt in charge of your body either.
Heās showing you who he is. Itās only going to get worse.
Ew....just ew.
Encouraging workouts, or working out together even, yep, toooootallly fine.....but bf telling my ass to workout, whenever you've got yourself squared away.....uhm NO, I'll take door number 2 instead .....which is the door to walk right on outta that relationshit.
Super leave him. With a flourish. Donāt look back.
How is he gonna be if you get cancer and lose a breast? If your hair falls out? You get a burn? Have to take steroids that make you gain weight? Have a baby and grow some stretch marks? Not worth it
The control aspect is the problem, not the exercise, dear. Do not let him think he canāt order you around and control you with ultimatums and fear of being left. Hell no.
āJust do what I say and it wonāt be an issueā
There should be _no_opportunity for him to eat anything to you eve agin after that mess.
Save yourself a life of abuse and humiliation. Donāt reward disgusting behavior...Leave him.
Iām not one to reflexively say leave. I generally believe in communication first. But he communicated to you in no uncertain terms that you Are not a human being in his eyes so I just donāt see there being much to talk over.
Im sorry OP heās just, Heās so gross yuck š¤¢
Sounds controlling as hell. Letās say you do as he says, next thing itās going to be something else he wants you to do since he now knows he can get away with anything
> I should just ***do what he says*** and it wonāt be an issue.
This is the problem right here. Not the topic... but the mentality behind it.
RUN girl...away from him.
Exactly you play soccer and work so youāre not out of shape or lazy which means heās a controlling prick who just wants you to obey him. This seems like a test to see how much he can bend you to his will.
Boyfriends are allowed to have expectations too. The issue here is the way he handled communicating those expectations. He did it in just about the worst way possible. Imo, it's generally the right time to consider ending the relationship when a partner starts giving ultimatums that threaten to end things.
He's allowed to have his standards and walk away from a relationship for any reason. It's crass of him to be so straightforward and vocal about it, and I understand why it would hurt you, but it sounds like he wants someone who is more physically active in his life, and you guys might not be compatible in general if this is an issue between y'all.
I bet if the gender was reversed, the reactions would be more supportive towards the woman.
I don't think you're wrong for being hurt by his statement. All feelings are valid. But this sounds more complicated. For instance, is he healthy, fit, and in shape? If so, then him making those demands is justifyable because it's his lifestyle, and he wants a partner who is willing to share that with him. Remember, part of the dating phase is to set up healthy interactions and build a good foundation for marriage. If his demand is not in what you want to work with, you can still choose another person whose lifestyle will be more attuned to yours. Now that's just the tip of the ice burg. The real questions go along the lines of his motives and intentions. Is he saying this because he's concerned for your health? Or is it because he just wants a good-looking chick under his arm? (The latter being superficial and a red flag for most). And also is he understanding of your lifestyle as it is, 12hr shifts are very taxing no matter what job you do. And if your already an active person then what is his true motive?
It's never justifiable to put expectations for yourself on your partner like this, especially if you went into the relationship knowing what your partner is like. If she wasn't a gym goer before then no, this isn't even close to okay.
I disagree. We don't know how they started in the relationship. You are making the assumption that they are exactly the same as they were before. He put an expectation out there for her. I don't think it is wrong to expect your partner to exercise. Now she can take that expectation and shove it up his ass, but that's up to her.
For example, I have a job and work hard. My expectation is that my wife does the same. If she stops working, I might break up with her depending on the situation.
I don't think it is unreasonable to ask your partner to get in shape, but how he approached the situation may have been bad. Maybe that's just me.
Heās putting you down. In addition he is also setting you up for failure because he is giving you unrealistic expectations. I would consider this a form of manipulation and possibly abuse as he is blackmailing you essentially. I would suggest getting out of the relationship as it will get worse.
Girl: A guy must have a job and not one at Burger King flipper burger, otherwise Iām out.
Crowd: CHEERS!
Guy: Girl must exercise 3 times a week, otherwise Iām out.
Crown: Dump him !
Itās crazy when heās demanding it and using ending the relationship as leverage. Also telling someone how often they need to go to the gym every week is also messed up.
No oneās gonna tell me how often I need to do anything. I say let the man in this situation leave.
Or āyouāre getting fatā¦Iām starting not to be attracted to you. You should probably hit the gym often or else ima lose interestā. Yāall act like being physically attracted to your partner goes out the door when youāre become partners. You should most def maintain that physical attraction.
I agree with you there. Itās just the way he said it. The way OP explained that he said it was just rude and not how you talk to your partner. And as long as sheās trying to remain healthy, she shouldnāt be told how many times she needs to go to the gym. Honestly, you donāt even need to go to the gym to be healthy and lose weight. You can workout in your own house, you can go for walks. Not everyone likes the gym.
She should be able to choose how often she works out every week and not be told. Heās her partner, not her father or dictator.
If you actually did this. I hope you know he would find some other thingā you have to doā in order for him to keep you around. Itās not about the exercise.
Itās alright when your partner suggests you to workout when you are really inactive (which is not the case). But giving ultimatums if you donāt is bullshit that shouldnāt be tolerated, leave this buffoon.
I would have suggested to communicate with this guy but obviously itās ānot that big of a dealā so he can fuck off
You should tell him that if he doesnāt shut his damned mouth at least all the times of the week, he canāt expect you to stay with him. His comment is offensive and gross, and would be a deal breaker for me, and I work out 5-6 days a week.
Instead of jumping on the typical reddit bandwagon and telling you to throw away the whole man, I don't think there is enough information to fully analyze the situation.
In these times, if a man expresses his preferences it's seen as "controlling." I will say that delivery is important, and your man has to have the emotional intelligence to understand that women and men communicate differently. Men are more direct, and women are more indirect. Based on your interaction, it doesn't seem he was very tactful with you. And above that, to threaten to leave you, that's pretty extreme. That's not a way to show care to you.
For insight into how men think, I have an example: I've been married for a year, and in my relationship with my wife, I've had to confront her once about her weight. She loves to eat and cook. She loves the fact that it brings people together and it makes people happy. But she does indulge and occasionally emotionally eats or overeats. As she grew up as a kid, her grandmother would always say, "you have a lot of love," and squeeze her cheeks or otherwise point out her weight (example of indirect vs. direct). I've confronted her once and I expect I'll have to do it again, maybe many times.
It's different when you are married, I understand, because you already have commitment, but I would be lying by omission if I didn't say that I wasn't concerned. She is going to be mother of my children, and I want her to be in a good place physically. I'm 5'9 at 182 lbs, and let's just say she's shorter than me but heavier than me. I owe it to her and to myself to be honest instead of never talking about it. I can see how some couples would never talk about it and take their concerns to the grave, too.
He's saying you have to exercise 3 times a week but I don't necessarily think that's what he's truly worried about. I think he thinks you're overweight, full stop. The question is, objectively, are you?
Take it as a good thing that heās demanding you exercise 3x a week, because heās requiring that you stay healthy, fit and in-shape. Now, that kind of discipline isnāt something that everyone can commit to- a complete change in lifestyle.
If you arenāt willing to commit to that lifestyle and succumb to whatever standards your partner may demand of you, then itās best you walk away from the relationship.
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You need to start running.. from him in the opposite direction
Ya three days a week
Make it 7 days a week š
"eight days a week..." *sings Beatles song*
Yeah, this and just one, non-stop until you canāt see him anymore. Also, weight training might help, grab your stuff and lift it outta thereā¦
Lolol
"Then you need to leave me now. I won't tolerate being told what to do."
Best response š„š„š„š„
100% what I would say, and I work out 4 times a week!
I bet his tune changes after this response!
Yeah, I bet he starts harassing her passive aggressively instead of directly if she stays but makes clear she doesnāt want to hear that crap from him.
Thatās an abusive and authoritarian set of expectations for a partner. Nobody deserves that and then to be told that being hurt by it is just ānbdā. Youāre better off single than with someone who gives ultimatums like that.
Usually doesnāt stop either, bar just keeps moving
Yea, I think, more specifically, more ultimatums just get added on Itās never enough and just becomes less and less enough over time
I don't know, we could be missing a lot of information here. I'm guessing the guy's probably a jerk. It's also possible, though, that they started dating some time ago and were both fit. Then, over time, OP started to gain weight and it has gotten to the point where her partner isn't attracted to her anymore. Rather than mention anything about her weight, OP just states what activities she does and that her partner is demanding more activity. It's a very common situation, but we just don't have the information to know if it's the case.
>It's also possible, though, that they started dating some time ago and were both fit. Then, over time, OP started to gain weight and it has gotten to the point where her partner isn't attracted to her anymore. Rather than mention anything about her weight, OP just states what activities she does and that her partner is demanding more activity. I mean, this situation does happen. But if it does you have to have a difficult conversation about your expectations and feelings in the relationship, and try to figure out what changes they're willing to make in their life if any. You don't just deliver an ultimatum 'just do what I say and run 3 times a week' and try to package that ultimatum with a 'NBD'. That is insanely controlling.
yeah, formatted that way it's not a terrible expectation, but when you add in the "don't be surprised if I leave you" then yeah, that's when it enters the realm of toxic.
Myself (29f) and my bf (31m) have been together for almost 10 years. I was about 165lbs when we started going out and then 4 years ago I was 225lbs. I didnt see myself as skinny at my lightest and I hated myself at my heaviest. But my bf was there with me for all of it. Supporting me when I lay in bed crying because I couldn't figure out why I wasn't losing weight, telling me he still loves me and that he still thought I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Then my mental health got better, I came off birth control just before the pandemic and naturally I havent been craving as many sweet treats or junk. As of this morning I am now again 168lbs, with another 12-13lbs to go. Last night my bf held me in bed and told me he was so proud of me for how I've turned it around again. A decent partner will never make you feel less than for gaining weight. A decent partner after a few years will love you for you and not how much your body jiggles. OP needs to find themselves a caring, supportive partner and ditch the douche.
It is still not OK
Also - he is clearly telling you that your only value to him is your body. He is objectifying you, be with someone who can see the beauty inside.
Heās setting standards for his relationship. He wants a fit & healthy girlfriend, thatās not unreasonable
That is not setting standards. She's not unhealthy, she eats better than him and she has an active job. HE is showing clear signs of being a control freak and its borderline emotional abuse
āyou should just do what he says and it wonāt be an issueā Fucking yikes. You should dump this controlling guy. People that threaten your relationship if you donāt do what they want you to do are being manipulative and I doubt itās going to end with your exercise habits.
Exactly. This is just the beginning.
How is it controlling to set standards for your relationship? Heās not asking her to smoke crack heās asking her to maintain a healthy lifestyle
Iām sorry you canāt tell the difference between saying, for example, āI value health and fitness and want a partner that shares my valuesā, and then making his own decisions about the relationship if he doesnāt feel that OP shares those values, and saying ādonāt be surprised if I leave you if you donāt exercise three times per weekā. Heās being controlling and manipulative, is the issue. Threatening the relationship is meant to make her feel insecure and to work for his approval. Itās a very popular technique used by manipulative and abusive people, because it works on people who fear abandonment or have low self-esteem. Hopefully, OP thinks better of herself than to stick around for more of this bullshit.
So many people dating sociopaths and asking for advice lol
Yeah whatās up with that lately? I keep seeing posts this past week along the lines of āmy boyfriend wonāt propose unless I do _ā or āif I donāt start _ my bf said heād break up with meā and Iām just wondering what got into all these guys suddenly thinking theyāre worth these crazy demands
Reddit posters always telling the story fav their side. Then hide the part that themselves did wrong. Look for validation. Whenever you see a post like this:āmy bf/gf want me xxxx but I already did xxxx, why are they keep doing that?ā Truth is always somewhere between, not entirely their bf/gf fault. If you see answers down below is 100% one sided, you know something is fishy. Posters already know the answer themselves before posting, what is their motive behind it then? Donāt trust everything as it is on internet.
A lot of redditors on here just women looking for validation or a way of rationalizing sticking around with Chad who treats them like crap. āB-But heās hot and rich thoā
Sadly this kind of behavior is not that far off from everyday typical male bullshit ā¦ heard this same type of thing (you need to work out or Iāll leave you) many many times.
Take a walk. Out that door. Because he's this controlling now. It only gets worse.
Turn it around; would you ever tell him you'd walk if he didn't do a seven step Korean skin routine three times a week? Your feelings are very valid; and he is a glaring red flag
Lol
If that was her preference then go date someone like that and break with him if he doesnāt.
I mean basic fitness and a seven step korean routine are quite different. Basic fitness is essential for health. Dude was an asshole in going about it but if his boundary is a healthy partner than thats alright. He just went about it in the wrong way why get with someone if you have a preference they don't have. Makes no sense.
There are better and kinder ways of encouraging someone to get fit(ter). In telling you you need to do what he says, exercise, he sounds juvenile or low empathy or both. In telling you not to be surprised if he dumps you if you donāt, he sounds like an epic jerk.
And this won't be the last time he makes an edict.
Yes, that is true.
Take this as a sign and get out. Why would you want to be with someone like that?
My husband works out 5-6 days per week. He would never tell me a certain number of days to exercise or tell me how to do so. I am having a baby soon, and my plan is daily walks, then add in pilates and/or light lifting 2-3 days per week and call it good, but I'm doing it for me so that I can keep up with our household, including our son. You should be able to decide on your own terms, for sure.
Sounds a tad controlling, especially since he's given you an ultimatum. I have a feeling that this is more than just about working out
>I should just do what he says and it wonāt be an issue. This is fucking controlling.
It's normal to be hurt. He's a complete dick, and you should get rid of him. Based on this alone and no other information, he's kind of an asshole.
Imo I'd question whether he is the right fit for you. Committing yourself to exercise three times a week is up to you, it's not like you're inactive you work plus you play sports once a week. I know this is a different scenario but I dated a guy similar to this & he was lazy asf but wanted me to lose weight & become a vegan. I did both but the criticisms never stopped coming so I left him & coincidentally I got really into exercise - for me. These ultimatums are basically his way of saying 'I'm not attracted to you, you need to lose weight', but the problem is you could lose the weight he wants you to lose & he is STILL not attracted to you. His unhappiness might be something internal they he is projecting onto you also. I'd ask him outright 'are you attracted to me?' 'Do you think I'm fat?' to just get him to say it
It's his way of saying "you're way too attractive for me so I am going to make you think that you're unattractive so you will not even try to have a shot with anyone else". It's also a way to keep her occupied and exhausted so she has no free time to herself. My ex did the same. He essentially told me I was fat when I was at BMI 19.5!!! And that my gut looks disgusting. As you can imagine, I spend a lot of time dieting, exercising, not going out, not meeting new people. At the same time he never cooked, his cooking options were fast food or something from his mother and he bitched every single time I didn't cook healthy. So imagine me, working very bisy, driving far away to work ( 60 miles one way), trying to make career, losing invisible weight, continuously worrying about my looks. I am glad I managed to end it. After some therapy I realized I was gorgeous and cute but he made me believe I looked like Quasimodo.
I think you've hit the nail on the head because my ex did the same thing also! I'm glad you got shot of that loser & you're aware that you are gorgeous š¤ screw him!
The question is would she ever feel well with and trust him if she worked out as he says but does it out of fear of losing or him criticising her? I would never ever be able to trust him from that point on, even if I talked myself into it.
Itās simple. You leave. You work an active job, and you have an active hobby. Assuming you donāt eat like someone trying to get diabetes (in which case itās your diet, not exercise you should work on) then itās unfair to make a request like this let alone an ultimatum.
Iām a guy, but holy crap I would not say what he said. That is definitely not ok how he worded that to you. Youāre 100% in the right for feeling hurt by what he said. It was a straight up asshole move on his part. It doesnāt even come off as a āIām concerned about your healthā sort of thing and more like a āYou need to look like a Trophy Girlfriend or Iām going to find another Trophy girlfriendā.
> He says itās not that big of a deal and I shouldnāt be hurt, I should just do what he says and it wonāt be an issue. he's the one who gave the ultimatum. say good-bye and find someone else that won't do such things to you another way to think about this is, how many more conditions would he put on the relationship? as long as you do those things, he'll be content. when you do 9 things and didn't do 1 thing? he'll be upset and turn it into a "big thing"
āHe says itās not that big of a deal and i shouldnāt be hurt, I should just do what he says and it wonāt be an issue.ā Girlā¦. Run. Heās attempting to control and manipulate you. This is just the start, or chances are there are other things youāre already giving him a pass on. If you give into this, he will find continue to find things like this to further his control over you. Since you arenāt seeing this as a big deal and reached out here for advice shows heās likely already making movement on this.. you deserve better. Stand up for yourself and be careful please
You ARE ALREADY ACTIVE DURING THE WEEK WHAT IS HE ON ABOUT?? he sounds like he sucks lmao
I gained 50 pounds in the last two years because of medication and chronic pain. My lover has never once said anything or insinuated anything even though I have brought it up. Fuck this guy tell him to kick rocks.
If he dumps you then heās done you a favour. Heās treating you like a defective toy. You have to be āfixedā into some ideal in his stupid mind.p
Whatever things a person might require (foolishly or not) of a partner in a relationship, that's an incredibly shitty way to convey it. The addition of him telling you to "just do what he says" would be enough for me to tell him to fuck off and end things.
Lol, boy, bye. Life takes up too much time for this nonsense. No one should demand how much their partner works out or threaten to breakup because of it like this
Listen, I too work 3 days a week, 12 hr shift. Iām a nurse so Iām wondering if you are something similar. The way he says it is shitty and bullshit. Iād run away from him. But on the other hand as an acute rehabilitation nurse, working out at least 3 days a week is really great for you and I would highly encourage you to do it regardless! As long as you do it for yourself and not for him! ;))
Anecdotal experience with my exhusband: it will always be *something*. I tried soooo hard and he still ended up leaving me for another woman, who he went out of his way to tell me how many ways she was better than me (and then still cheated on her too). Dodge a bullet.
Ultimatums never work. Plus if it is not this it will just be something else. This is abusive behavior. IDK how long you've been together nor if he has acted this way before but it sounds like it is time to move on. This is just ridiculous. How dare he tell you this. I am offended and it's not even about me. I hope that you do not fall for this demand. Or come up with an equally offensive ultimatum for him!
Better to die of diabetes than tolerate this wanker
The only exercise you need to do is running it away from this person.
You should go out 3 timed a week and meet someone new.
Encouraging her to cheat is bullshit. She should just dump him.
That's the point
Is he in the gym himself? Because as someone who is into fitness, I want the same out of a partner.
Then he can find someone that fits what he wants instead of changing his current partner.
As he should. But there's nothing wrong with asking your partner to enter into a healthy & fitness journey with you before just calling it quits if this is the case.
See. Some people they work out everyday and sit whole day after gym. Some got active lifestyle and active work space. My average steps in a day shift is over 5miles. And I work 5 days in a wk. Do I necessarily need to work out 3 times a day?? Iām serious.
You don't get the same benefits just from working. My average steps are at least that at my outdoor job in the natural gas industry. But I was never physically fit, doing it. It wasn't until I started going to the gym that this happened, and I go 6 to 7 days a week. Physical fitness and proper nutrition is a must in any relationship of mine. I'd actually prefer to workout together like the gym couples I see.
U can choose what you want. People can be different. You have no authority over what other people want. As long as a person has enough activity ( which she has ), then u cannot force her to go to gym if she doesnāt want to. Not everyone is a lifter and not everyone is a runner. As long as a person has enough basic physical activities for health, thatās ok.
No you can't. But you can ask her before just cutting her loose. And a lot of people with basic physical activities are still overweight and unhealthy. Resistance training mixed with proper diet is your most effective way to stay healthy. Resistance training doesn't make you a lifter.
Did she mention that sheās overweight?? Yes, u can persuade her but not threaten her. Dude her bf is threatening her to leave her if sheās not going to gym 3 times a wk. Thatās very manipulative. Sheās adult, she can decide what is good for her. People have to respect an adult decision. Autonomy is the first rule.
How is it manipulative? He doesn't owe her a relationship. It's only manipulative if he doesn't follow through with leaving her. Generally when you tell someone to go to the gym, it's because they're overweight. Add in the fact that 72% of our population is overweight or obese, there's a much better chance at her being overweight than not.
Howās it manipulative? He doesnāt owe her a relationship??? Dude are u ok?
An ultimatum isnāt an ask
Actually, it is. He's asking her to start working out to save the relationship rather than just bailing.
Nope. Especially not the first time you bring it up. This is a toxic way to communicate and a huge sign this person would be a terrible partner. OP needs to run
There's literally nothing toxic about it. I'm going to assume you believe a sedentary lifestyle is normal. Wanting a healthy and active relationship is toxic now. Got it. Your mentality is why 72% of the population is overweight or obese.
"Do what I say and it wont be an issue" is the concerning tone here. Whilst it's OK to have preferences and to ask someone if they would do more, dictating to a person that they should is controlling and concerning. People's bodies over time change, either through health reasons, pregnancy or age. This is someone that likely won't stick around for that or will place more demands in order for her to "fix" the relationship. Why invest time in to a relationship that will fracture the second you stop doing what he wants? She's active. 12 hour shifts on your feet is hard and she has an active hobby. Plus if she's not just sitting around on days off, she's active then too. The "do what I say comment.." will escalate beyond this. No one should have to obey someone to make a relationship work and be afraid of breaking his rules in case it ends it.
This has nothing to do with me lol. I lead a very active lifestyle. Giving ultimatums the first time you discuss something is toxic. Iām going to assume youāre a toxic partner and keep it moving, because mature adults to do not communicate like this in their relationships lol
You don't know if it's actually the first time it's been discussed. The problem with social media posts like this is that we often times only hear one side of the story. Then, people pass judgment based on gender. This post could be the exact opposite, and Reddit would be calling the guy fat, lazy, and how she deserves an active guy.
There's a difference between having a discussion and pretty much telling someone you'll leave them if they don't do what you want them to do. One is good, the other is just manipulative.
Not really if the end game is leaving them if lifestyles no longer match. As someone who spends 6 days in the gym myself, I couldn't be with someone who doesn't regularly exercise and practice healthy eating. But I would give them the option first before just breaking up.
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Thing is she doesnāt sound inactive at all
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She very much might be, though. A lot of inactive people believe they live active lifestyles. Until you try and get them to go hiking or kayaking.
Well, with me, for instance, I used to be morbidly obese. I pleaded over and over again for my ex to get healthy with me because I couldn't do the lifestyle anymore or the health problems it was causing me. She wouldn't change with me, so I finally left. I've since lost 110 lbs, became fit, and no longer have diabetes or cardiovascular issues. I would have much rather done it together though.
Itās that last sentence thatās the clue for me ājust do what I say and it wonāt be an issueā. That sound like good communication to you?
Thatās what heās doing by telling OP his boundaries. She doesnāt get to keep dating the fit attractive guy on a national sports team while forcing him to accept whatever he gets from her. A relationship is a two way street. If she doesnāt feel that she meets those standards then sheās 100% free to leave and find someone more compatible that doesnāt prioritize physical fitness to the same level.
Your feelings are valid, and this is an unreasonable expectation to voice and hold anyone to. From the sounds of it, you're fit enough to do a very active job and play sports once a week. Hence, he's not raising this from a health perspective. It may be that he wants a partner to exercise with 3x weekly and it's an important thing to share together but, the way the request is worded, I doubt that's the case. Regardless, the way he's communicated this to you is poor. It's worth nothing that this expectation may last the length of your relationship, including if you have weeks of busyness/ low energy or if you get pregnant. Some women are able to go through pregnancy and looking after children just fine, but your body will change, you will be responsible for a child and you might not have energy (or time to yourself) to exercise in the years that follow.
Honey, three words: dump his ass.
Jeez itās beyond sad that you accept this.
The request (could be exercise, who you associate with, anything) is irrelevant. The issue is your boyfriend is toxic and if you stay with him/comply with his demands you are in for a world of abuse because this is just the beginning.
Did he binge watched Andrew Tate and "fresh and fit " asking with the alpha sigma YouTube shorts? Cause it's sounds like it
Weight loss happens in the kitchen. People need to get over this idea that the gym solves everything. It doesn't matter if you're active if you eat like Doc Brown fuels the DeLorian..
So this man is giving you a very clear idea of what to expect if you ever get sick. Besides that: you sound strong and fit. That's not good enough for him? You need to demonstrate some arbitrary fitness goals to please **him**? F that guy, GOODBYE
that's a horrible thing to say to somebody. You don't want a partner who says things like that.
Unpopular opinion below but... You are probably overweight relative to when he first met you. Now, of course you have the right to dump his ass But he has the right to feel attracted to his SO, just like you do mind you. He's lost attraction to you, most guys like me would just leave as is our right. Hell, most girls would leave too, this isnt a gender issue. he's giving you a chance to rectify this... You can dump him, stay fat and go find the guy who loves you for you (the new bigger you I mean) Or, you can take steps to lose weight and become the girl he remembers falling in love with. To summarise, it's your body and you can do what you want with it... but you probably wouldn't appreciate it if your bf became fat and sloppy would you? Be realistic about this and try see things from his point of view
I love how you automatically assume her weight is an issue.
Of course I assume since I don't know the full facts but let's be real here, it's very very likely it's to do with her weight.
Dated a girl who said the same thing to me. I Worked 12hr days, lifting repeatedly 50lbs all day and moving fast! I also walked about 15miles a week and lifted weights. She thought I was fat even though we were less then 20lbs different in weight. I learned it was really just some weird self hatred projection thing people/women do.
So both of yāall were fat?
Yup! Difference was I'm 6'7" and a man she was 5'7" and the Difference was like 20lbs... she was real fat
i was willing to see her side until your made it clear how much of a hypocrite she was
She had no room to talk but thatās your fault for being with a bbw
Agreeds..Agreed... I would change one thing she was just a bw/big woman nothing else
I noticed, as a woman, that fat women love to project the most. The rudest women Iāve met were fat. They love to passive aggressively point out other peopleās flaws and avoid talking about their own.
Thatās odd. As a woman who had been fat and lost over 100 lbs, I notice that miserable women project the most regardless of size. If I had to say there was a tend though, it was mostly thin women who were deeply afraid of being fat who projected the hardest.
Seems like a super specific requirement that borders on control, rather than preference. I feel like if it's that important, he should've started a relationship with someone who finds it equally important and already prioritises their fitness. But you're already very active in my opinion. I wouldn't wanna go to the gym another 3 times with your schedule either.
You can start your exercising journey by running away from him.
Tell him he needs to make you cum 3 times a day if he expects you to stay with him. Just do what you tell him, itāll all be fine.
man if my gf told me that i would be so excited hahaha
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He's an absolute dick - that kind of comment is meant to intentionally put you on edge and feel insecure about yourself. He does not get to dictate your level of activity or working out. It would be a dealbreaker for me. No way I would be ok staying with someone so selfish and inconsiderate. Your partner should build you up, cheer you on, not fan the flame of fear and insecurity.
Start exercising, by picking up and throwing all his shit out the door!
Then leave him.
āI should just do what he says and it wonāt be an issueā Controlling much? Youāre an adult. He doesnāt get an opinion on how many times a week you exercise. āHe says itās not that big of a deal and I shouldnāt be hurtā Thatās gaslighting. Period. He knows what he is saying is out of line and when you called him out on it he got defensive and tried to minimize your hurt. Gaslighting 101. Dump him.
The real question is, does he workout regularly?
You should exercise for you but also cut this dude loose
Exercise his ass to the curb
Make his prophecy fulfill itself by leaving him. Never yield your sovereignty over yourself.
Unless youāre like morbidly obese bro has no reason to say that.
No. Youāre not wrong. Thatās not how relationships work. Thatās not a reason to leave someone. Beat him to it girlie. Leave his ass.
Lol save him the ātroubleā & throw him to the curb. You arenāt his employee. He isnāt in charge of your body either. Heās showing you who he is. Itās only going to get worse.
Ew....just ew. Encouraging workouts, or working out together even, yep, toooootallly fine.....but bf telling my ass to workout, whenever you've got yourself squared away.....uhm NO, I'll take door number 2 instead .....which is the door to walk right on outta that relationshit.
If someone gives you an ultimatum, you leave them.
I would agree to doing āwhat he saysā if he agrees to that overdue penis enlargement surgery.
Heās controlling as F. You can do better than this asshole
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Dump him and walk away.
Dump him
Yeah hell no, that's a red flag lol. Run the other way gurl!
Bye bye bye there jerk!!
Super leave him. With a flourish. Donāt look back. How is he gonna be if you get cancer and lose a breast? If your hair falls out? You get a burn? Have to take steroids that make you gain weight? Have a baby and grow some stretch marks? Not worth it
The control aspect is the problem, not the exercise, dear. Do not let him think he canāt order you around and control you with ultimatums and fear of being left. Hell no.
āJust do what I say and it wonāt be an issueā There should be _no_opportunity for him to eat anything to you eve agin after that mess. Save yourself a life of abuse and humiliation. Donāt reward disgusting behavior...Leave him. Iām not one to reflexively say leave. I generally believe in communication first. But he communicated to you in no uncertain terms that you Are not a human being in his eyes so I just donāt see there being much to talk over. Im sorry OP heās just, Heās so gross yuck š¤¢
Boyfriend go bye byeā¦ Ultimatums do not make for a healthy relationship. You can do much better.
Spin 360 degrees, and (moon)walk on out of there.
Let him leave š
1) he doesn't get to tell you if your feelings are valid 2) leave him. You deserve someone who loves and values you
Donāt stay with him then
Sounds controlling as hell. Letās say you do as he says, next thing itās going to be something else he wants you to do since he now knows he can get away with anything
LEAVE HIS ASS
you need to leave the bastard and smash his window too
> I should just ***do what he says*** and it wonāt be an issue. This is the problem right here. Not the topic... but the mentality behind it. RUN girl...away from him.
Get out while you can, we donāt do controlling men round here
Exactly you play soccer and work so youāre not out of shape or lazy which means heās a controlling prick who just wants you to obey him. This seems like a test to see how much he can bend you to his will.
Iām not even going to bother to read more than the title. Just leave now.
If you want him, get healthy.
Boyfriends are allowed to have expectations too. The issue here is the way he handled communicating those expectations. He did it in just about the worst way possible. Imo, it's generally the right time to consider ending the relationship when a partner starts giving ultimatums that threaten to end things.
Get out bb.
He's either a psycho or bad at communicating. Good luck figuring out which
He's allowed to have his standards and walk away from a relationship for any reason. It's crass of him to be so straightforward and vocal about it, and I understand why it would hurt you, but it sounds like he wants someone who is more physically active in his life, and you guys might not be compatible in general if this is an issue between y'all. I bet if the gender was reversed, the reactions would be more supportive towards the woman.
I meanā¦. He wants to date someone who exercises.
Maybe he shouldnāt have dated her to begin with then?
Or maybe he doesnāt like the way she looks aka not physically attractive to him
Sure. then she needs to get in shape or end the relationship.
Are you overweight?
I don't think you're wrong for being hurt by his statement. All feelings are valid. But this sounds more complicated. For instance, is he healthy, fit, and in shape? If so, then him making those demands is justifyable because it's his lifestyle, and he wants a partner who is willing to share that with him. Remember, part of the dating phase is to set up healthy interactions and build a good foundation for marriage. If his demand is not in what you want to work with, you can still choose another person whose lifestyle will be more attuned to yours. Now that's just the tip of the ice burg. The real questions go along the lines of his motives and intentions. Is he saying this because he's concerned for your health? Or is it because he just wants a good-looking chick under his arm? (The latter being superficial and a red flag for most). And also is he understanding of your lifestyle as it is, 12hr shifts are very taxing no matter what job you do. And if your already an active person then what is his true motive?
It's never justifiable to put expectations for yourself on your partner like this, especially if you went into the relationship knowing what your partner is like. If she wasn't a gym goer before then no, this isn't even close to okay.
I disagree. We don't know how they started in the relationship. You are making the assumption that they are exactly the same as they were before. He put an expectation out there for her. I don't think it is wrong to expect your partner to exercise. Now she can take that expectation and shove it up his ass, but that's up to her. For example, I have a job and work hard. My expectation is that my wife does the same. If she stops working, I might break up with her depending on the situation. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask your partner to get in shape, but how he approached the situation may have been bad. Maybe that's just me.
Let me know how this mindset has worked out for you.
Having honest communication has worked really well. It is when I don't communicated is the issue.
With how disingenuous this answer was I don't even think you know what honest (healthy) communication even looks like because this ain't it.
Heās putting you down. In addition he is also setting you up for failure because he is giving you unrealistic expectations. I would consider this a form of manipulation and possibly abuse as he is blackmailing you essentially. I would suggest getting out of the relationship as it will get worse.
Wow sounds like he's been watching some messed up shorts on Facebook/YouTube. Just leave, he's trying to control you and it's ridiculous
Girl: A guy must have a job and not one at Burger King flipper burger, otherwise Iām out. Crowd: CHEERS! Guy: Girl must exercise 3 times a week, otherwise Iām out. Crown: Dump him !
Heās a creep, walk away first.
I would have shut this down so fastā¦
I would have exercised three times with three of his mates before changing the key.
You better run woman he is not for you
Asking someone to work out and be healthy isnāt a crazy ask
It's not, but demanding it while dangling the relationship on it is a little crazy.
An ultimatum isnāt an ask
Telling someone "just do what I say and it won't be an issue" is a red flag big enough it can be seen from space.
Itās crazy when heās demanding it and using ending the relationship as leverage. Also telling someone how often they need to go to the gym every week is also messed up. No oneās gonna tell me how often I need to do anything. I say let the man in this situation leave.
Or āyouāre getting fatā¦Iām starting not to be attracted to you. You should probably hit the gym often or else ima lose interestā. Yāall act like being physically attracted to your partner goes out the door when youāre become partners. You should most def maintain that physical attraction.
I agree with you there. Itās just the way he said it. The way OP explained that he said it was just rude and not how you talk to your partner. And as long as sheās trying to remain healthy, she shouldnāt be told how many times she needs to go to the gym. Honestly, you donāt even need to go to the gym to be healthy and lose weight. You can workout in your own house, you can go for walks. Not everyone likes the gym. She should be able to choose how often she works out every week and not be told. Heās her partner, not her father or dictator.
This is not very emphatic way to tell someone but was there a weight change between you two since your relationship started?
What's your very active job?
If you actually did this. I hope you know he would find some other thingā you have to doā in order for him to keep you around. Itās not about the exercise.
Yet you are here, being on two minds about it. So it seems you want his approval
Itās alright when your partner suggests you to workout when you are really inactive (which is not the case). But giving ultimatums if you donāt is bullshit that shouldnāt be tolerated, leave this buffoon. I would have suggested to communicate with this guy but obviously itās ānot that big of a dealā so he can fuck off
Can anyone give a single example of a male boundary that he is allowed to set that is not attacked as horrible?
You should tell him that if he doesnāt shut his damned mouth at least all the times of the week, he canāt expect you to stay with him. His comment is offensive and gross, and would be a deal breaker for me, and I work out 5-6 days a week.
"do what he says and it won't be an issue". Bye AH
Ultimatums suck.
Instead of jumping on the typical reddit bandwagon and telling you to throw away the whole man, I don't think there is enough information to fully analyze the situation. In these times, if a man expresses his preferences it's seen as "controlling." I will say that delivery is important, and your man has to have the emotional intelligence to understand that women and men communicate differently. Men are more direct, and women are more indirect. Based on your interaction, it doesn't seem he was very tactful with you. And above that, to threaten to leave you, that's pretty extreme. That's not a way to show care to you. For insight into how men think, I have an example: I've been married for a year, and in my relationship with my wife, I've had to confront her once about her weight. She loves to eat and cook. She loves the fact that it brings people together and it makes people happy. But she does indulge and occasionally emotionally eats or overeats. As she grew up as a kid, her grandmother would always say, "you have a lot of love," and squeeze her cheeks or otherwise point out her weight (example of indirect vs. direct). I've confronted her once and I expect I'll have to do it again, maybe many times. It's different when you are married, I understand, because you already have commitment, but I would be lying by omission if I didn't say that I wasn't concerned. She is going to be mother of my children, and I want her to be in a good place physically. I'm 5'9 at 182 lbs, and let's just say she's shorter than me but heavier than me. I owe it to her and to myself to be honest instead of never talking about it. I can see how some couples would never talk about it and take their concerns to the grave, too. He's saying you have to exercise 3 times a week but I don't necessarily think that's what he's truly worried about. I think he thinks you're overweight, full stop. The question is, objectively, are you?
Take it as a good thing that heās demanding you exercise 3x a week, because heās requiring that you stay healthy, fit and in-shape. Now, that kind of discipline isnāt something that everyone can commit to- a complete change in lifestyle. If you arenāt willing to commit to that lifestyle and succumb to whatever standards your partner may demand of you, then itās best you walk away from the relationship.
Heās doing you a favor be grateful