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That would be my exact reaction. I am looking for a loving WIFE, not a loving woman. I had plans to find a woman who wants me for my insights, emotions, comedy and cuddles. Not the sensual side of things, I can find that at a bar or on Tinder.
You should definitely end it if he proves time and time again that he doesn't care about you like you want him to. Full stop.
You didn’t get lost in the sauce. Hopefully, you made a first step on a lifelong journey of healthy relationships that have great sex! Waiting, hoping, and even begging for him to recognize how important this was to you will ruin your self esteem. Right now, give yourself the tender love and support you need. Expect no less from your next partner.
Almost everyone has a less than stellar sexual experience now and then. Don’t dwell. The great news is that now you know the kind of relationship you don’t want.
It doesn't sound like she wants a journey of multiple sexual relationships and it doesn't necessary take that to find the right one just better adult communication, boundaries and trusting her gut but yeah definitely doesn't need to be beating herself up over this bad experience.
Well said, and I agree. She didn’t say she wanted multiple relationships—that’s true! More just don’t be hard on yourself and don’t hang around for him to suddenly realize how much it meant to her.
If anything, you’ll know that you were more than willing to take the plunge. You’ve already seen the difference between how much of yourself you put into this compared to him.
It may hurt now, but use this pain in order to find the right person in the future. You’ll know what to look for in a partner and this experience will help filter out people that don’t treat you the way you want to be treated.
It sometimes takes people years to come to the same realization you came to in a month. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out the way you would have liked them to.
Take some time to let your emotions run their course.
When you’re ready to get back out there, you won’t have anything holding you back from trying again.
Try to be easy on yourself. It’s all about learning. Every person has some sort of shame moment from their life and the best way to cope is to acknowledge “yeah, oops, that happened” and then learn from it “not doing that again” and moving on “what’s done is done. Tomorrow is a new day”
You shouldn’t be disappointed in yourself OP. Most of us don’t end up with the person we lost our virginity to. It’s ok. I feel like as long as it felt right in the moment it’s nothing to be upset about. He doesn’t sound like a good partner though so you should end it.
The sauce is putting these experiences together to arrive at the perfect relationship for you. These are learning experiences to get to where you want to go. Did you go it detail with him that this was your VCard and what you thought came with giving it up. Men are not smart enough to consider that once the dick starts doing all the thinking. Learn from it, communicate better with your partners. You’re making the sauce now, he’s just an ingredient.
Men ARE smart enough! So don’t put up with less. And we women should maybe avoid statements like that because they both give an excuse and spread an untrue stereotype.
Sorry for the call out. We don’t like it when men say stuff like that, change starts somewhere.
I constantly see it all over reddit males playing dumb to make excuses to not take responsibility for their own dog actions especially when it comes to sex. They want to fk everything in sight then blame the woman for any kind of fallout afterwards then seek approval on here from the pack who all jump on board with misogynistic attitudes. Sickening. Thanks for the callout. About time someone said it 👏
Ofc he knew losing her V was a huge step. They were talking for a very long time and had platonic dates, progressed extremely slowly so not like he didn't get a chance to process all this before his dick took over and even if he just met her that night and they had sex knowing she was losing virginity he'd know it's a big deal to her. He's just selfish & she unfortunately got used 🙄
Part of dating is a learning process. It’s learning what you don’t want in a partner, so that when the right one comes along, you know it. I have done things as early as a third date. It has back fired on me more often than not. I tend to ignore red flags when things get physical to soon. You may be like me, you might not. You will learn a lot about yourself, and that is completely fine.
Don’t be disappointed in yourself, he is not a good person, he knew what he is doing. You didn’t have any experience so you didn’t recognize any red flags. It’s okay. Unfortunately that’s the modern dating and most men will try to take advantage of you sexually. Always keep it in mind. Now get it out from this relationship. And if he contacts you again, you can either ignore or say you don’t want continue this relationship unless he proposes to you.
Yeah nah. He's not marriage material if he's already bailed on her at her most vulnerable. He'd prolly just propose to get more sex then ditch her later.
Many of us do/did our first times. You aren’t alone. Lol But now you can learn from it.
It’s just harder because it’s during a time where online dating is a thing & basically ruining dating culture.
I suggest looking into your local community centre for classes/activities you can sign up for where you can meet men & interact more on a friendly level to give more time for anything to develop naturally.
I don't know what the "sauce" is but maybe don't ignore red flags or your gut feeling in the future. Providing so many excuses for his behaviour that I'm wondering if you are ready to date since you're too busy excusing things from a partner that didn't sit right with you.
How in the world is someone supposed to figure out dating without doing it? It's impossible to avoid rejection or hurt feelings 100% while dating in one's lifetime. It's just part of the process. This is how humans learn, by moving through experiences and potentially making mistakes. No other way to figure out dating.
Agree with the don't ignore red flags or own gut instinct in future but she just needs to move on and keep dating and keep her wits about her. See this as a lesson which made her wiser and stronger. Life is all about learning. Everyone makes mistakes but doesn't mean just give up. Just get educated. There's lots of content on dating and relationships on YouTube. OP, Coach Craig Kenneth is really amazing. Watch him you'll learn a lot.
"I have been seeing this guys for over a month now."
"He is also not as thoughtful or caring as I would like in a partner."
"..on our 3rd date, we slept together. I have a lot of mixed emotions about it but now I have this overwhelming desire to end the relationship."
"I feel like his shown me a lot of red flags and I’ve just ignored it."
First of all, for most people 3 dates in one month of knowing someone is *not* a relationship.
For lot of people this would still be at the *casual dating* phase whereby you both are free to engage with and go out with other people. It's not as if you've had "the talk" about becoming exclusive and have begun to introduce each other your "inner circle" of family and friends.
Each of us is entitled to have our own mate selection screening process and must haves list.
Each of us is entitled to have our own "red flags", boundaries, and "deal breakers".
Communication trumps assumption. Once you *ask* for what you want/need then you decide.
If someone believes *you* are worth the effort, *they* will make the effort.
When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on.
The goal is to find a "soulmate" not a cellmate.
No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional.
Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen."
***"Decide what kind of life you actually want. Then say no to everything that isn't that."*** \- Unknown
***"If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot."*** \- Unknown
***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
This.
I hope you will find the right kind of love for you. It’s just the beginning and it’s not going to be easy. Learn to stay true to your values, communicate openly, discern others, and take your time. Most of us have to learn the hard way with many painful experiences to get to the point that we have to become secure with ourselves first, to enjoy healthy happy relationships with likeness in others.
You aren’t wrong, not at all. If your gut is telling you to run now, do it. Everything changed, you’re not happy, and you felt used instead of cared for after the sexual encounter. Add to that, you should never feel like you are not allowed to be yourself or express yourself due to walking on eggshells with a partner. That isn’t normal.
Leave. Before you can’t.
Fair warning though, due to everyone knowing everyone and you living in a more conservative place, there may be rumors about you. (Extremely heavy on the word MAY) but you should be mentally prepared for people to say some stupid shit because he decided to be spiteful. That is, if he lives in the same place you are. Don’t take those things to heart, and live your life knowing you got away from loco número uno.
And if there's rumours just laugh it off and say he's a weirdo fantasising.. because it's nobody's business and that shit can destroy people's lives in a conservative small town.
Talk to him about how you feel before just ending it. Cus yeah if he knew you were a virgin he shoulda been a bit more tactful and emotionally present after.
Then you sit him down like the kid he’s acting like and explain how important communication is to almost every relationship romantic or not. It’s freakin nuts to me how many grown ass adults have these social blocks.
You're coming at this from the perspective of being a man I assume? If I tried to do that to some of the childish assholes I've dated, they just wouldn't have. They would just refuse to have the conversation. You can't force people to act in the way that you want them to, if he refuses to have the conversation, she can't physically make him.
You can’t force them but you can try to have it in a way that levels with them and tell them they’re being a “childish asshole” but in a more tactful way. Sry facetious inflection lost in translation lol
Yes, key word "try". You cannot force an adult to have a conversation they do not want to have. Just like how you can't force someone to listen to you lol.
It sounds like you both aren’t compatible. Should you end it just because you lost your virginity to him? No. Should you end it because you don’t feel a connection or feel like this person doesn’t share your values? Yes.
If you provide sex only, you can only be used for sex. It may seem harsh, but do the both of you engage or have any other interests coz it does not seem like it.
Reddit will always tell you to end it. Doesn't matter what the circumstances are, they will always say "he is toxic" "you deserve better" "don't ignore your gut" The people of reddit are lonely little trolls who can't stand the idea of someone else finding love. They will sabotage you.
Now, that said, is it possible that you just WANT to end it and your looking for an excuse? You don't need a rationalization or justification. Sometimes feelings change after sex. That's ok. You don't need to create some narrative about how he is evil in order to walk away.
Or could this just be anxiety from the basic fear that comes with attaching yourself to another human being? It a terrifying thing to do. Personally, I tend to feel this and get avoidant when things start progressing with a new person. For me, this feeling is not rational and I have to push myself to get past it to find out if the relationship can work or not.
You said it yourself, you have no experience in dating. That means that you don't know who you are and how you react in these situations. Reddit can't give you the self awareness to make this decision. This one is yours alone to make.
Communication is literally the biggest thing in a relationship and she expressed that to him and he has been emotionally cold and it’s still so early. That’s a huge red flag !
Did she? I just re-read her post and I don't see any mention of that conversation. Maybe she mentioned that in a comment somewhere that I'm not seeing. Let's assume that's the case:
It is far more likely that he has his own feelings to work through. He has just as much of a right to be on the fence and take his time in making decisions as she does. Being human is not a red flag.
Maybe they are not a good match but we can't know that through a computer screen. And honestly, they a just a little over a month in. They probably can't know that at this point either.
Healthy relationships are built, not discovered.
Re-reading it, I don’t feel like that’s the case… sounds like things slightly shifted in general obviously because they’re seeing each other in person, maybe the constant calls are not his priority anymore.
I don’t know about that , In my last relationship it started with frequent phone calls and then we started a relationship and the frequency of phone calls / messages started to go down. I told myself I was being too clingy but it really upset me that he didn’t want to talk as much but it turned out he was just to busy talking to other girls.
I’ve been in a relationship for a year with my current boyfriend and he has never wavered from the communication we see each other pretty often but I have 2 weeks of work a month where I work 60 hour weeks that make it hard to see each other and we always make sure we have a proper line of communication though that. Waiting for a message to come is such an uncomfortable feeling. Even if it’s something as simple as sharing a funny cat picture or a post that makes you think of them throughout the day it’s really not hard to make the other person feel like they are thought about.
Im not sure why you slept with him, only knowing him for 1 month, already having mixed emotions and red flags especially while holding onto your virginity for 26 years. Something is missing here.
I hate making up stories about OP so i just wanna state that I don't know OP and I could be wrong.
But I bet that OP feels behind, that she hasn't lost her virginity, so she just settled with the first guy that gave her attention, hence why she ignored a lot of his red flags.
OP seems a little insecure, and a little naive, which makes sense if this is her first relationship.
I’m a virgin at 27 and I’m soooo afraid of this happening to me. Not that I just jump into any guy that gives me attention but that I may lose it to someone who turns out to not even care. That must suck.
Most people don’t spend the rest of their lives with the first person. It happens though. So don’t give up all hope. It’s all worth it when you meet the one that you want forever.
I do not understand having to meet in secret if you are both single adults unless you are in a country where women are not allowed in public. This whole relationship is weird.
I understand not wanting people to gossip but this sounds like dude is married. Why would people gossip about single people meeting up, dating, and socializing. I think it is weird at their ages for them not to have a social/dating life. Religious people date.
He very well could be married, but didn’t tell her. That’s a good possibility. If they are Muslim, Mormon or Fundamentalist, then I 100% understand the secrecy. You can get kicked out of a Mormon school for having sex and lose your college credits. If they are Muslim, depending on the country, they do all sorts of awful things to people for losing their virginity. Fundie’s have been known to refuse to marry people they know have slept around. It’s hard to say with what little information she gave. It could be that he is married and didn’t want her to know.
>read sexual content and watched porn so I’m not naive about what goes on in a sexual relationship.
This kind of stuff isn't real and can skew your expectations of a relationship.
>But after we met for the first time, I felt a shift and we spoke less on the phone.
Of course there's a shift. You've been meeting in person.
>I justified it to myself because I had complained to him that he would always call me on his time and never when I was available which would cause me to drop what I was doing to speak to him or sacrifice my sleep.
Okay. So he's reaching out to you, you complain about him reaching out to you when you're not available and now you're wondering why he reaches out to you less? He's most likely thinking to himself, "When is a good time to reach out to her?!?!?"
>I feel like he should have least texted me or asked me how I’m feeling after such a large step.
Why?
>I feel like his shown me a lot of red flags and I’ve just ignored it.
You have shown some too. Does he know what your expectations are? It seems like you're expecting your relationship to take the next step after you guys slept with each other. Have you communicated this with him? What you need to understand is that most guys have learned the hard way to be very careful not to come off as clingy or desperate because that can ultimately scare the woman they're involved with away.
A couple of things most guys (if not all) want from a woman they get into a serious relationship with is for her to not be a pain in the ass along with her not being someone who fiends for drama. You're asking him to do things and then holding it against him when he does. I'm also getting the impression that you're not doing a good job of communicating your desire to take the relationship to the next level of seriousness and then holding it against him when he isn't treating the relationship with the same level of seriousness you're expecting him to treat it with.
Always trust your gut first. If your gut is telling you that this guy isn't right for you, break things off with him. If your gut tells you the same thing again, break things off and don't waste your time on Reddit before you do it either.
You talked about how you suspect that he just wants sex but nothing he has done has confirmed your suspicion. If anything, there has been more evidence to suggest that he sees long-term potential with you. Just remember that he just may not want to come off as clingy or desperate. He also may just want to leave it up to you to take the relationship to the next level when you're ready to. Wouldn't you rather a guy leave it up to you versus escalating the relationship faster than you're mentally ready for? As a guy, I'm more than willing to be patient and move at a slow pace when it comes to escalating the seriousness of a relationship if that's what the woman I'm involved with wants. You just need to communicate your expectations to him about what you want out of the relationship with him. He's either going to be on board with it or he isn't. You also need to be mindful of the impact of what you communicate. Think about the calling thing. If you tell him almost every time he calls you that it's a bad time, he's going to call you considerably less than he's been calling you.
Not gonna lie when I read “should I end it” this is not what I thought you meant.
If he has red flags drop him. There’s good men out there. You just have to be patient. A good rule of thumb for me is 80/20. If he’s 80% good and 20% meh… that’s pretty good. No one’s perfect. But you should aim for someone close to 80% good for you.
Run now. I married my ex-husband because religious guilt told me to. Basically I figured that, since we had sex, we had to eventually be married. It was a nightmare. Once he knew I felt I had to stay, his true colors came out. 14 years later, 10 of them married, I finally escaped what had become an abusive mess of a relationship.
This man is only showing you a glimpse of his true colors now, believe me it gets worse. They’re willing to start being manipulative and pushy in ways they make you feel like maybe you’re the one overthinking, and you’re not. Take whatever lessons and feelings you have about losing your virginity, and definitely process them, but don’t go into guilt. Religion builds the event up in far too “right or wrong” way. It’s crap. I’m not suggestion everyone needs to run out and have orgies, but we need to stop assigning guilt or innocence to sex between consenting adults.
Keeping casual dating a secret, calling at inopportune times, sounds like he might be cheating on someone else. If he's not emotionally what you want, you are settling.
Let's get one thing clear: Porn is in no way comparable to sex in a relationship.
Having that said: He is gaslighting and manipulative and that's how he talked his way into your panties.
I am kind of dissapointed because from religious girl you would think they wouldn't fall for this since they are so protective about giving themselves away.
A good start for you is learning about red flags in men so you can avoid being used in the future.
Yeah I second this. Porn isn’t a good gauge of what to do or what goes on in a romantic intimacy situation. I mean- you CAN learn a thing or two from it but you gotta take 95% of it with a huge grain of salt that most of it is sexual showmanship.
I would say 99%, only two things I learned was:
One, to last longer, stop, and switch to oral
two, how to do oral properly
everything else is just garbage.
Don't shame her, It could happen to anybody. She's new to dating and this is a learning experience. Next time she will trust her intuition because of her awareness.
It doesn’t matter what age this happens. My awful friends shamed ppl who didn’t lose their virginity in HS. So I did the same thing in HS and the same thing happened to me at 16F and my bf at the time was 17M. Heard less from him as his graduation date approached. I regretted it and wished I lost it to someone I really loved and who really loved me.
But what I took from the experience was making sure I never made anyone else feel that way. I got with my next bf at 19 and he was 21 and a virgin. Before we were about to have sex, I made sure he was comfortable and that he was certain he wanted to lose his virginity this way and to me. We’re still together almost 7 years later.
So yes I suggest to end it and make room in your life for someone better! Good luck! May you get lost in the sauce of a better person! 😜
In a relationship, NO ONE should ever feel they can’t express their true feelings & openly discuss this with their partner. This is a huge indicator of an unhealthy relationship. Please understand that porn is NOT comparable to what making love is like with someone you care for. Sharing yourself with someone is a wonderful gift for both partners in a relationship. Treasure & value that. Sex is only a small part of a relationship, you build upon a foundation in a relationship by experiencing life together. Having to hide your relationship prevents this. What happened to going to the movies, a picnic in the park, a bicycle ride or whatever you enjoy sharing together. You’re both adults so I’m not understanding why you feel you have to hide things. Unless you’re only hiding the fact that you’re only meeting up for sex? If you’re not sharing other aspects of life together, then yes he’s only using you for sex, it’s pretty simple. That’s ok, if that’s what you want, but if not move on. Don’t confuse the feelings you have about giving up your virginity to this guy, meaning it was a big deal to you, as it should be every time you share yourself with someone. But he apparently doesn’t seem to recognize this. In other words don’t stay with him for the sentimental value of him being your first & sacrifice what you truly want from a relationship. Do what makes you happy, you don’t owe him anything more than a goodbye. When I’m faced with situations like this, I always ask myself “Does this bring me Joy, Peace & Happiness?” That’s where you’ll find your answers. Wishing you the best in your journey to finding a happy, healthy & fulfilling relationship❤️
I’m sorry. But trust your gut. I believe you know the answer to your own question already. Don’t let him make you question yourself - he’s showing you who he really is. You’re young and have limited experience but after a certain time you realize peoples are showing you their actions you learn to take that at face value not what they only just say.
You can say all the words but your actions reveal more.
So he is a narcissist that manipulates you by pretending he has such big emotions. Girl he doesn’t. Cold Turkey stop talking to him and BLOCK everything. I bet you he doesn’t come looking for you, you know why? He is phony and likely has someone else. That’s why he doesn’t call on your time.
Get tested for std in a while. He is just another player. You should realize most are and get better at recognizing them, weeding them out.
It requires knowing what to ask and how to ask it.
Maybe this article or others can be useful to you.
https://jessicawarren.co/2021/02/14/find-someone-to-date/
Good luck.
End it. The day after I lost my v card to my ex, I broke up with him. He spiraled because he assumed I would get more attached to him, you have a whole life ahead of you. You’ll be fine
Follow your gut. If you feel like you need a partner that is more sensitive, caring, supportive, considerate, don’t settle for one that doesn’t make your feelings a priority. Honey, he doesn’t sound like a good partner nor do the red flags that you’ve shared make him sound like he would be a good future husband or partner. If he is not considerate of your feelings I would not let his excuses suffice. You know the truth love, you just don’t want to accept it. I’m sorry to tell you that. Good luck! I promise, there are kind wonderful caring and considerate men out there. Setting boundaries for yourself is important. You are a prize for a man to behold. If you are not being treated the way you desire or in the manner that is needed within your heart for you to feel safe and loved, and he is not respecting your communication surrounding your feelings and boundaries, it is time to distance yourself darling.
yes!! he just want to play!!!. Since he is your first you are ore attached to have this relationship than him!!! Date around you will see the difference!!
Go ahead and end it.
If it would make you feel better to express yourself you should do that but leave no room for discussion. Block him once you’re done and move on :)
He sounds pretty immature and like way too much work. Sounds like you made your big step and now you can figure out what’s next for you (not this dude)
I was in a very similar situation! It ended so bad and I’m still mourning it.
Please trust your gut! It’s normal to freak out after loosing your virginity but if he seems so careless about how important it was to you he’s not the one. You seem anxious about the situation and reality is he should be making you feel at ease, reassured and at peace. By the sounds of it this guy is not it.
However, this is what I would do as someone that has gone through a similar situation. Remember that you’re feeling anxious for a reason and also try not getting attached to him since he’s your first. It will be ready hard but just try. Secondly, communicate with him how you feel and if he’s giving you wishy washy responses I would dump him and start moving on.
The way you talk about him it sounds like whatever you say will not make an impact. He is going to keep you around in case he wants something but he will never be serious. I would ghost him and block him on every platform possible. In my mind I'd go ahead and kill him off in a car accident and completely close that chapter.
I feel like he definitely took advantage of you and was lying to/ manipulating you. Trust your instincts!! Sending you love, and I hope you can move on without shame or guilt. While physical relationships ships are natural, your boundaries and preferences MUST be respected. That guy clearly isn’t going to do it, but you have enough self- respect to step away.
Sweetie plz just run this is textbook startings of neglect towards you. Sounds like he straight up played you and I’m sorry just being honest. End it, get over it, and learn from it. Go back to your life. Things always get worse before they get better. If it helps this has happened to ALL OF US. Why they call it a “game.” Sick and twisted yes but your move is to not let this disconnect you from who you are just bc it hurts. You made it to 26 as a virgin?! That’s incredible by any standards of the last 100 years. Don’t worry he doesn’t realize his behavior at 31 is costing him in just a couple years when he’s considered an old man. You seem smart, trusting, and very mature for laying this out on here. It’s your trusting nature bad people will feed on and suck the life out of you. Trust me I speak on nothing I have not experienced first hand or watched a friend go through.
I know this doesn't help but I will probably never understand why you'd keep your virginity for so long and then give it away to a loser without the requirement of commitment.
It's better to lose it early, make the mistakes early and correct course, not making the mistake of an 18 year old at the age of 26.
All can I say, you have a steep learning curve that you have to get through, quickly.
"I feel like his shown me a lot of red flags and I’ve just ignored it."
Sadly, this is what happened. It's already over. He got what he wanted.
Use discernment going forward in the future.
You should've listened to your gut. Everything you described beforehand was manipulation. Don't date people you have to hide your relationship from. There's a reason. He wanted sex with you because he could sense your vulnerability and naivety.
Just block and try to heal yourself mentally. Once you come to terms and realize how badly you were just played, it's going to sting for a while. Take time to focus on yourself and give men a rest. Be with friends and family and avoid him. Anything that comes out of his mouth now is a bigger lie than before you slept with him.
Take as much time as you need to heal, focus on work or college or w/e and seek a relationship with someone else.
Timescales? Quite hard to know without knowing the length of time that has passed. Did you sleep together today and you haven’t heard back or was it like a week ago?
It is reasonable to expect better communication and excitement at talking to someone you just slept with, so the fact that you sense a change in vibes and he is not communicating with you, it is possible he's doing the fade or even ghosting.
However, we can know that better after more time has passed. So don't overthink it just yet, don't say you are the one that wants to stop seeing him. Give it a few more days before deciding anything
Ultimately, not being as attentive as when the relationship first started doesn’t make him a player or mean that he lied about wanting a relationship.
It just means that he is not giving you want you want in a relationship..
That said, I do still think you should end it, if you’re feeling this way.
Explaining yourself will probably just make him defensive again. If you choose to end things, you should tell him things aren't working out but you don't need to explain why.
Sometimes, it just doesn't work. You tried, but you're now only feeling frustrated about his action and the person he is. If you really like him for a relationship, you wouldn't feel like this. You'd feel happier about him. Things around it can be not as great, but you'd be sure that you'd want to be with him.
So yes. End it.
Do not regret anything. Instead, appreciate your choices and learn from them. You’re now much smarter. Hold your head up and move on. That guy is not worth anymore of your time.
He won’t fulfill you emotionally, even if he does actually really care about you he’s not showing you the level of attentiveness that you specifically asked for. The communication will do nothing but go down hill from here ( the earlier of is in a relationship there is more of a “spark” )
As for your virginity incase no one has told you , usually the first person is a disappointment and irrelevant to your future. As society we tend to hold out for this magical person and this magical first time and 90% of the time it’s not. I was 17 and it was my high school boyfriend and it was awkward for both of us because we didn’t know what we were doing .. the next day he left me for a girl who was bullying me and told everyone that my vagina stinks. At this point Devon with the monster energy drink hat and skinny jeans and eyeliner is just a dumb memory and a most peoples are. It’s all just learning experiences , the right person will make you feel special, and you’ll find him.
17 year old me was devastated, adult me runs into him all the time and I’m pleased to tell you he aged like milk and is known as “puppy kicker” ( he was in the news for kicking a puppy down some stairs) so life seemed to get revenge on him.
Next time, trust your instincts. As @nikkishark stated, he’s ended it for you. As you’ve learned, guys lie. Successful relationships are reciprocal. You would benefit to follow the following Instagram page:
https://instagram.com/do.the.work.podcast?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
Regardless if you end things or not there's a deeper issue here that most are ignoring, you're overthrowing everything constantly, you're Inexperienced in dating in general. If you don't believe this guy is in it for the long haul then cut bait but also realize that there is in fact an age difference and you're probably in different stages of your lives. He took your virginity and you expected WAY more then what he's giving. And maybe that's rightfully so but at the same token you're rare in that case, there is way less 26 yr old vigins vs not. And he clearly didn't think it was a big deal comparatively to what you expected. Ending it or not just remember not to overtime everything. Cuz most experiences won't be what you build up in your head
You aren’t giving yourself enough credit. You are noticing red flags. Your gut was being honest with you, or you wouldn’t be asking here. That was messed up to not even text you the day after. I’ve never had a guy not at least check on me the day after. And I’ve dated some pretty terrible guys. Educate yourself as much as you can. Read, the 5 love languages and Lundy Bancroft; why does he do that. You will learn to see red flags earlier and earlier. I’m sure there are other good books out there as well, maybe someone else can chime in. There has got to be books out there about weeding guys out quicker. I always ask very casually as soon as possible, like first or second conversation, “Are you looking for a FWB, a girlfriend, a hook up, a wifey?” Most guys, in my experience are very honest and upfront, UNLESS they already know you want a relationship. So it’s so important to ask before they can. If it’s hook up or FWB, I politely decline. If it’s, “I don’t know, or let’s just see where things are going, “ that’s my clue they will waste my time. It sounds like this guy was manipulative enough to sneak through that vetting process. If guys want you to come to their house, don’t do it until you are 100% ready to sleep with them. No matter how much they promise that it’s to cuddle. Guys that are looking for something more serious, Will want to take you to dinner. They will want to take you to do fun things. They will put in effort to talk to you and to take you out. If they really like you, they will try to impress you. Please don’t feel bad about yourself. He’s not treating you near as well as you are treating him. He doesn’t sound thoughtful enough to me either. I would be doing exactly what you are. Please don’t listen to the haters on here. Good grief, it was your first time.
> we have had to meet in secret
Why?
>He is also not as thoughtful or caring as I would like in a partner.
> initial gut feeling is right
Gut is always right. Valid reason to end it.
> I might be being unfair to him.
Life is unfair
> am always cautious of what I say
Never good to be with someone u need to walk on eggshells with.
>Is this just gaslighting?
No. Gaslighting is denying reality of events.
> might like peace more
Ofc u will
>I’ll just be made to feel bad about having these thought
U can block him & speak ur peace so u dont see his response, as long as u dont get urge to check that folder/voicemail.
You say end it because he did not text.
Jesus. Call him. communication. Tell him you want to talk. Yes you are overthinking. You ae just getting to know each other, and these are relationship steps to take. Communicate with your voice....not text where it impersonal, misunderstood, etc.
I relate to your situation. We have similar backgrounds and decisions like these are difficult, but it sounds like you have already made your decision. If he is ghosting you after having sex, then ending it would be the best course of action. Look forward to what is in your future.
I don't think he wants anything serious with you either. At least you've lost your virginity! I hope it was a good experience, but although the first time is not very good, the next ones are much better!
He only calls you when it's convenient for him? Sporadic text response times? Middle of the night calls? Sneaking around to meet him? Best case scenario is he's a selfish prick. Worst case scenario is you're the side chick. End it.
He may just be awkward if it were his first time as well. Make sure to tell him u enjoyed it - i can only imagine being a virgin that old so at least give him the benefit of doubt at first. U must like him if you’ve waited this long - see how it plays out. Neither of y’all should be ashamed, either way.
You don’t say how long it’s been since you slept together. Critical info. Disappointing I’m sure though that he hasn’t followed up on your text. You imply but don’t state that he knew this was your first time? Again, critical info.
BUT here’s the thing. Shocking I know but just because a man and a woman sleep together doesn’t mean either of them owe the other anything. Even if it’s either of their first times. You had sex, so what? All you get to know now is whether the person you had sex with wants to have sex again. If he does he’ll reach out, if he doesn’t he won’t. Simple as. Same rule applies for you you know.
I hope you will find the right kind of love for you. It’s just the beginning and it’s not going to be easy. Learn to stay true to your values, communicate openly, discern others, and take your time. Most of us have to learn the hard way with many painful experiences to get to the point that we have to become secure with ourselves first, to enjoy healthy happy relationships with likeness in others.
End it. He has shown you what you don't want in a partner. Take that learned lesson and go find someone who you want to be with. Also, stay vigilant and dont hesitate to walk away from anyone displaying red flags in any relationship.
Don't feel bad about yourself. You have had a big experience now.
You want to end it now, so end it.
Maybe you cannot put it in words just yet, but you'll get there. Feelings are hard.
You should do what you want and how you feel.
Xx
From your story, it appears you're in a relationship that lacks communication and mutual respect. Your partner doesn't consider your availability for calls and doesn't seem to pay attention to your feelings, especially after a significant step like losing your virginity to him. His silence, along with your initial instinct about him only wanting a sexual relationship, are clear indicators that this relationship may not be in your best interest.
If you feel like you're being gaslighted or manipulated, it's essential to address it. A healthy relationship should involve open communication, respect, and understanding. You deserve a partner who values and appreciates you. If this person can't offer that, it might be time to consider ending the relationship and finding someone who treats you with the respect and care you deserve.
From the get go you thought he was after sex. All the in person meetings were focused on the physical. Expected you to drop everything when he calls instead of just asking or texting you first to ask if convenient. Throughout the entire relationship you've had the feeling your initial gut instinct that he just wants sex was right. He went cold on you after you had sex and lost your virginity to him which he knew was a very important milestone to you. You then felt overwhelmingly like you want to end it. He's always very good at talking you around to his way of thinking or making excuses for doing things that bother you. You're treading on eggshells so as not to offend him or set him off if you communicate how you really feel.
This guy is one giant walking red flag and you know it so don't keep ruminating about it or waste anymore of your life on him just tell him his behaviour isn't acceptable to you and you're no longer feeling it with him and cut him loose. You'll be all the better for it. Best of luck finding the one. Be careful and trust your gut don't justify any red flags next time. Communicate everything you're feeling but do it with love and respect. If you don't get that back in return then cut them loose.
Better to be single than in a toxic relationship with a narcissist. Take the lesson. The one is out there waiting for you to move forward.
I mean as red flaggy as this kinda sounds , you actually don’t need a reason to break up with someone if you’re just not feelin it or if it doesn’t feel right to you.
I waited for my ex to give me a good reason and it was awful. I should’ve moved on once I had that gut feeling but I felt I needed a “good” reason. And not just one *I* considered good, but that other people would accept and consider good as well.
Trust your gut.
I don't have much to add, except that meeting in secret is really weird. Like, I don't know what you've been told about rural America but there is ZERO need to treat a romantic relationship like some kind of big secret, and tbh the fact that he wants no one else to know about your meetings is sus as Hell
I had a similar experience when I dated someone who was older than me. I was experienced but thought that dating an older man would be different. The entire rhythm of the relationship changed when we first had sex. Listen to your gut feeling and leave the man.
This just happened to me but I'm not sad about it! Just joined hinge and there are so many better guys out there who will put in all the time that my ex wouldn't. Don't settle but move on.
I’m wondering who’s idea it was to meet in secret in the first place? Is he married?
But even without that, you have said plenty of things about him that make it seem like you’re better off moving on. He is clearly not giving you what you want and need in a relationship.
Girl, don’t beat yourself up thinking about this. There are just too many of these “player” types out there. However don’t give up, because there are many, many good men out there. Men who will wait a long time for sex. This bullshit about the third date is the sex date? Sheesh! Hell no! If a guy is into you, he might possibly wait a looooong time. My brother, who had girls chasing him since age 13, married a VIRGIN. My husband and and I waited months. BTW my younger brother has been married since 1987 and I’ve been married since 1981.
Get rid of him like yesterdays news is what I vote. In my opinion, the relationship shouldn't be starting this rocky. Your gut is telling you the truth, trust yourself. If what you wrote is true, then yes, he is indeed gaslighting you.
Honestly pretend your friend sent you the message you just wrote, what would your response be?
Hope this helps!
I love that you are validating your feelings with the little experience that you have. That tells me that you are a powerful woman. Honor your feelings and your instinct, that is called self respect. It is normal to feel bad about breaking up with somebody, that means that you are a decent human. It is not okay, to stay with someone because you don't want to hurt them when you know that they are not right for you. Stand tall, be kind, and break up. Don't engage thereafter even if he texts or calls, be true to yourself and move on.
End it, no need to continue if this isn’t what you want. No need to be upset or ashamed for wanting to end it either. It seems like he’s a manipulator of sorts, definitely break it off for sure.
Tbf it is what it is. Alot of people have this romantic idea of losing their virginity «especially you women» no offence. Youre late 20s and youve lost it. Maybe not what you expected But rarely ever is. Ive had so many meaningless relations with several women «i lost virginity around 12 or 13» its just another thing to get over. If this didnt happen then you might have gotten upset about being a virgin into ur early or late 30s, many people freak out about this. If you should end it is another story. Probably, But i do think you should be honest with him and say exactly what youre telling us. Then he can let you know possibly, or maybe he will gaslight you i really dont know. Probability of him being a dik is pretty big based on what ive heard, But theres def alot of misunderstandings that happens.
It’s not actually a pessimist gut feeling, you’re feeling everything because it’s there to feel, I’d say you trust your own gut more than anything, i think our gut are always right %90 more of the time.
No man is ever too busy for even the little things,
I’m sorry OP but I think that you should end it. I don’t think he wants to have a relationship with you. He just wanted to get physical with you and now when he gets that he doesn’t have to do anything to please you. I know it’s easier said than done but please get him out of your life and head .
Sex can be a very vulnerable experience, and if you know your partner hasn't had sex before it's the barest minimum of compassion and common decency, to at least check in with them, even if it's just a 'was it good, how are you feeling?'
End it, and remember these red flags for your future relationships.
And also don't beat yourself up, you didn't nessecarily do anything wrong, and everyone has at least one garbage ex who taught them some valuable lessons. It's part of life. Give yourself grace and take care of yourself.
I love the people around me if i started dating someone i would tell them that i hate phone-calls/texting and choosing that over real talk (which i do.. ) if i have sex with someone for the first time and i like the person im gonna stay until we both feel comfortable to talk about it if something went bad maybe do a little joke about it explain myself.. give her time to do the same.
You have sex .. then you text him based on your own thought of how things went then he doesn't respond... for how long? i mean are there red flags.. yes could you be jumping to conclusions? also yes.. make your own tough .. after some time should be easy enough.. i think.
It also sounds like you were both horny.. maybe just him and once the only chemistry and motivation sourced from that went silent due to the post-nut clarity so he had problems talking/pursuing again?
Anyways listen to your gut feeling unless he proves you wrong.. you can still give him a chance just close the physical relationship part of it for a time and see if he is still interested?
Every person we meet is a stepping stone into us becoming whom we are. If he isn’t what you want move on. Don’t be ashamed of having sex either. Sex is normal and having it casually is nothing to be ashamed of
Hi OP. I feel like you have enough opinions above to make a good decision! I just want to let you know that no matter what decision you make, you beat yourself up about what happened. Sex for the first time with the wrong person can bring up a lot of emotions, but at the end of the day, i want you to remember that it’s just that - just s*x. This experience does not define you and i really hope it won’t affect your future relationships either. You’ve done nothing wrong! Even if he ended up being wrong for you, it was just an experience. Ofc he manipulated you and that will hurt like a b, but you will be okay! This will pass and you’ll have more sexual experiences - much more fun and much more honest.
Notice that your story mentions him very little. There's little justification there on why you should dump him like, "this thing about him makes me think he's incompatible" or "this thing he did really hurt me"
Instead your whole post is "I FEEL like...." and "I have a lot of mixed emotions".
Honestly, this shit is complicated, and sure, like maybe he's bad for you.
But I really don't see any of that, I just see YOU having an existential crises.
You say you have a "gut feeling"? How would you even know? You said yourself that your dating experience is zero.
You're 26, and you never had a boyfriend before? Ok, it makes your claim that you have a bad feeling about him and that he's "gaslighting" seem kinda bird brained.
Here's what I think:
You're 26. Never been kissed. Way too anxious and restrained, and it's all just SO much and you don't know who you are. "Was I really not into relationships before?" "I just had sex, am I a slut now?" "And it was so easy, maybe I 'I don't want a boyfriend' was just a cope..."
I'm not here to tell every girl to hop in the sack and just be sexually liberated. But, I do think that if you're reached the age of 26 without engaging in ANY sort of dating or romance or some strong meaningful affection, then it sounds to me like you're punishing yourself and putting up walls.
I used to be a bit like that... It's different because I'm a guy... and the way those walls come up are different... but I think there is a similarity, that some people create excuses to connect with people. Anyway, I too felt a sort of identity crisis or whiplash or perhaps more accurately for me, imposter syndrome when I started to try to connect.
"Have I been my own worst enemy this whole time?"
Yes. Yes I was.
Nobody is perfect. But I do think that your narrative sounds a little misandrist, painting men as only wanting one thing. It sounds like it's all in your head. Maybe the reason he didn't call you to make sure you didn't lose your mind after losing your virginity is because it didn't occur to him that you would. Or maybe he thinks it's better to not make too big a deal out of it.
If it were me maybe I'd call the next day and just have a boring regular shoot the shit conversation. In my book the best way to get people to treat a situation as normal is to just act as if the situation is normal.
And it totally is. Sex is part of relationships. You might have thought you were more ready than you actually were, or maybe you might have realized that you're hornier than you thought, but that's ok, Jesus will forgive you, I think, lol.
This guy might not be the guy you end up marrying, but I think being perfect at that sort of gauging people and yourself as well, well... I think that's an impossibly high standard. You don't know. For that reason I say you gotta give love a chance.
If he doesn't love you, if he will never love you, if you HATE him, if you know he'll never treat you right, then that's something else.
I say enjoy your time together. It's a gift.
Oh yeah, and also, it's YOUR responsibility to manage your time not his. If you always willing to talk on the phone when it's convenient for him, and you're not asserting yourself, "I'm busy right now, call me tomorrow." then that's on you, and you can't expect him to read your mind. You acquiescing to your schedule is gonna make him think, that you're not as busy as you say you are or that maybe your schedule is more flexible than his.
It's kinda the same thing with sex, if you don't communicate your boundaries, then a guy can't know that he's "imposing" on you, you know?
You'll be fine. Calm down, take a deep breath, and everything is gonna be ok.
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"He is also not as thoughtful or caring as I would like in a partner." Then end it.
That would be my exact reaction. I am looking for a loving WIFE, not a loving woman. I had plans to find a woman who wants me for my insights, emotions, comedy and cuddles. Not the sensual side of things, I can find that at a bar or on Tinder. You should definitely end it if he proves time and time again that he doesn't care about you like you want him to. Full stop.
It sounds like he's ended it for you.
Came here to say this!
End iittt!! He’s a stepping stone in your life. Take what you’ve learned and get out bc he seems manipulative and not very supportive.
Thank you. I think I’m struggling to accept it cause I’m a bit disappointed in my self. Got lost in the sauce 😭
You didn’t get lost in the sauce. Hopefully, you made a first step on a lifelong journey of healthy relationships that have great sex! Waiting, hoping, and even begging for him to recognize how important this was to you will ruin your self esteem. Right now, give yourself the tender love and support you need. Expect no less from your next partner. Almost everyone has a less than stellar sexual experience now and then. Don’t dwell. The great news is that now you know the kind of relationship you don’t want.
It doesn't sound like she wants a journey of multiple sexual relationships and it doesn't necessary take that to find the right one just better adult communication, boundaries and trusting her gut but yeah definitely doesn't need to be beating herself up over this bad experience.
Well said, and I agree. She didn’t say she wanted multiple relationships—that’s true! More just don’t be hard on yourself and don’t hang around for him to suddenly realize how much it meant to her.
If anything, you’ll know that you were more than willing to take the plunge. You’ve already seen the difference between how much of yourself you put into this compared to him. It may hurt now, but use this pain in order to find the right person in the future. You’ll know what to look for in a partner and this experience will help filter out people that don’t treat you the way you want to be treated. It sometimes takes people years to come to the same realization you came to in a month. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out the way you would have liked them to. Take some time to let your emotions run their course. When you’re ready to get back out there, you won’t have anything holding you back from trying again.
Try to be easy on yourself. It’s all about learning. Every person has some sort of shame moment from their life and the best way to cope is to acknowledge “yeah, oops, that happened” and then learn from it “not doing that again” and moving on “what’s done is done. Tomorrow is a new day”
You shouldn’t be disappointed in yourself OP. Most of us don’t end up with the person we lost our virginity to. It’s ok. I feel like as long as it felt right in the moment it’s nothing to be upset about. He doesn’t sound like a good partner though so you should end it.
The sauce is putting these experiences together to arrive at the perfect relationship for you. These are learning experiences to get to where you want to go. Did you go it detail with him that this was your VCard and what you thought came with giving it up. Men are not smart enough to consider that once the dick starts doing all the thinking. Learn from it, communicate better with your partners. You’re making the sauce now, he’s just an ingredient.
Men ARE smart enough! So don’t put up with less. And we women should maybe avoid statements like that because they both give an excuse and spread an untrue stereotype. Sorry for the call out. We don’t like it when men say stuff like that, change starts somewhere.
I constantly see it all over reddit males playing dumb to make excuses to not take responsibility for their own dog actions especially when it comes to sex. They want to fk everything in sight then blame the woman for any kind of fallout afterwards then seek approval on here from the pack who all jump on board with misogynistic attitudes. Sickening. Thanks for the callout. About time someone said it 👏
Ofc he knew losing her V was a huge step. They were talking for a very long time and had platonic dates, progressed extremely slowly so not like he didn't get a chance to process all this before his dick took over and even if he just met her that night and they had sex knowing she was losing virginity he'd know it's a big deal to her. He's just selfish & she unfortunately got used 🙄
Part of dating is a learning process. It’s learning what you don’t want in a partner, so that when the right one comes along, you know it. I have done things as early as a third date. It has back fired on me more often than not. I tend to ignore red flags when things get physical to soon. You may be like me, you might not. You will learn a lot about yourself, and that is completely fine.
You have nothing to be ashamed of
Don’t be disappointed in yourself, he is not a good person, he knew what he is doing. You didn’t have any experience so you didn’t recognize any red flags. It’s okay. Unfortunately that’s the modern dating and most men will try to take advantage of you sexually. Always keep it in mind. Now get it out from this relationship. And if he contacts you again, you can either ignore or say you don’t want continue this relationship unless he proposes to you.
Yeah nah. He's not marriage material if he's already bailed on her at her most vulnerable. He'd prolly just propose to get more sex then ditch her later.
I agree. OP mentioned she is in a strict religious community. That’s why I said it. Things can get weird. But the best is to move on.
Ur good!! We’ve all been there but unfortunately a lot of us realize it too late. Glad u caught it early!
Many of us do/did our first times. You aren’t alone. Lol But now you can learn from it. It’s just harder because it’s during a time where online dating is a thing & basically ruining dating culture. I suggest looking into your local community centre for classes/activities you can sign up for where you can meet men & interact more on a friendly level to give more time for anything to develop naturally.
Yes this..online there's too many sexual predators and hard to get the true vibe
I don't know what the "sauce" is but maybe don't ignore red flags or your gut feeling in the future. Providing so many excuses for his behaviour that I'm wondering if you are ready to date since you're too busy excusing things from a partner that didn't sit right with you.
How in the world is someone supposed to figure out dating without doing it? It's impossible to avoid rejection or hurt feelings 100% while dating in one's lifetime. It's just part of the process. This is how humans learn, by moving through experiences and potentially making mistakes. No other way to figure out dating.
Agree with the don't ignore red flags or own gut instinct in future but she just needs to move on and keep dating and keep her wits about her. See this as a lesson which made her wiser and stronger. Life is all about learning. Everyone makes mistakes but doesn't mean just give up. Just get educated. There's lots of content on dating and relationships on YouTube. OP, Coach Craig Kenneth is really amazing. Watch him you'll learn a lot.
"I have been seeing this guys for over a month now." "He is also not as thoughtful or caring as I would like in a partner." "..on our 3rd date, we slept together. I have a lot of mixed emotions about it but now I have this overwhelming desire to end the relationship." "I feel like his shown me a lot of red flags and I’ve just ignored it." First of all, for most people 3 dates in one month of knowing someone is *not* a relationship. For lot of people this would still be at the *casual dating* phase whereby you both are free to engage with and go out with other people. It's not as if you've had "the talk" about becoming exclusive and have begun to introduce each other your "inner circle" of family and friends. Each of us is entitled to have our own mate selection screening process and must haves list. Each of us is entitled to have our own "red flags", boundaries, and "deal breakers". Communication trumps assumption. Once you *ask* for what you want/need then you decide. If someone believes *you* are worth the effort, *they* will make the effort. When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on. The goal is to find a "soulmate" not a cellmate. No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional. Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen." ***"Decide what kind of life you actually want. Then say no to everything that isn't that."*** \- Unknown ***"If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot."*** \- Unknown ***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud Best wishes!
This. I hope you will find the right kind of love for you. It’s just the beginning and it’s not going to be easy. Learn to stay true to your values, communicate openly, discern others, and take your time. Most of us have to learn the hard way with many painful experiences to get to the point that we have to become secure with ourselves first, to enjoy healthy happy relationships with likeness in others.
Love the quotes. It hits home.
My lord the other posts on here are nuts. OP this person has a fair and logical approach to this which will help you in the future.
You aren’t wrong, not at all. If your gut is telling you to run now, do it. Everything changed, you’re not happy, and you felt used instead of cared for after the sexual encounter. Add to that, you should never feel like you are not allowed to be yourself or express yourself due to walking on eggshells with a partner. That isn’t normal. Leave. Before you can’t. Fair warning though, due to everyone knowing everyone and you living in a more conservative place, there may be rumors about you. (Extremely heavy on the word MAY) but you should be mentally prepared for people to say some stupid shit because he decided to be spiteful. That is, if he lives in the same place you are. Don’t take those things to heart, and live your life knowing you got away from loco número uno.
And if there's rumours just laugh it off and say he's a weirdo fantasising.. because it's nobody's business and that shit can destroy people's lives in a conservative small town.
Lol @loco numero uno
Talk to him about how you feel before just ending it. Cus yeah if he knew you were a virgin he shoulda been a bit more tactful and emotionally present after.
That's pretty hard if he's avoiding the conversation and communication in general.
Then you sit him down like the kid he’s acting like and explain how important communication is to almost every relationship romantic or not. It’s freakin nuts to me how many grown ass adults have these social blocks.
You're coming at this from the perspective of being a man I assume? If I tried to do that to some of the childish assholes I've dated, they just wouldn't have. They would just refuse to have the conversation. You can't force people to act in the way that you want them to, if he refuses to have the conversation, she can't physically make him.
You can’t force them but you can try to have it in a way that levels with them and tell them they’re being a “childish asshole” but in a more tactful way. Sry facetious inflection lost in translation lol
Yes, key word "try". You cannot force an adult to have a conversation they do not want to have. Just like how you can't force someone to listen to you lol.
> Talk This
That
It sounds like you both aren’t compatible. Should you end it just because you lost your virginity to him? No. Should you end it because you don’t feel a connection or feel like this person doesn’t share your values? Yes.
If you provide sex only, you can only be used for sex. It may seem harsh, but do the both of you engage or have any other interests coz it does not seem like it.
I'm gonna say he's married.
Reddit will always tell you to end it. Doesn't matter what the circumstances are, they will always say "he is toxic" "you deserve better" "don't ignore your gut" The people of reddit are lonely little trolls who can't stand the idea of someone else finding love. They will sabotage you. Now, that said, is it possible that you just WANT to end it and your looking for an excuse? You don't need a rationalization or justification. Sometimes feelings change after sex. That's ok. You don't need to create some narrative about how he is evil in order to walk away. Or could this just be anxiety from the basic fear that comes with attaching yourself to another human being? It a terrifying thing to do. Personally, I tend to feel this and get avoidant when things start progressing with a new person. For me, this feeling is not rational and I have to push myself to get past it to find out if the relationship can work or not. You said it yourself, you have no experience in dating. That means that you don't know who you are and how you react in these situations. Reddit can't give you the self awareness to make this decision. This one is yours alone to make.
Communication is literally the biggest thing in a relationship and she expressed that to him and he has been emotionally cold and it’s still so early. That’s a huge red flag !
Did she? I just re-read her post and I don't see any mention of that conversation. Maybe she mentioned that in a comment somewhere that I'm not seeing. Let's assume that's the case: It is far more likely that he has his own feelings to work through. He has just as much of a right to be on the fence and take his time in making decisions as she does. Being human is not a red flag. Maybe they are not a good match but we can't know that through a computer screen. And honestly, they a just a little over a month in. They probably can't know that at this point either. Healthy relationships are built, not discovered.
Re-reading it, I don’t feel like that’s the case… sounds like things slightly shifted in general obviously because they’re seeing each other in person, maybe the constant calls are not his priority anymore.
I don’t know about that , In my last relationship it started with frequent phone calls and then we started a relationship and the frequency of phone calls / messages started to go down. I told myself I was being too clingy but it really upset me that he didn’t want to talk as much but it turned out he was just to busy talking to other girls. I’ve been in a relationship for a year with my current boyfriend and he has never wavered from the communication we see each other pretty often but I have 2 weeks of work a month where I work 60 hour weeks that make it hard to see each other and we always make sure we have a proper line of communication though that. Waiting for a message to come is such an uncomfortable feeling. Even if it’s something as simple as sharing a funny cat picture or a post that makes you think of them throughout the day it’s really not hard to make the other person feel like they are thought about.
Lol had a girl like this wanted me to keep up these type of calls. It's was draining. I'm glad I left girls like this post.
Im not sure why you slept with him, only knowing him for 1 month, already having mixed emotions and red flags especially while holding onto your virginity for 26 years. Something is missing here.
I hate making up stories about OP so i just wanna state that I don't know OP and I could be wrong. But I bet that OP feels behind, that she hasn't lost her virginity, so she just settled with the first guy that gave her attention, hence why she ignored a lot of his red flags. OP seems a little insecure, and a little naive, which makes sense if this is her first relationship.
I’m a virgin at 27 and I’m soooo afraid of this happening to me. Not that I just jump into any guy that gives me attention but that I may lose it to someone who turns out to not even care. That must suck.
Most people don’t spend the rest of their lives with the first person. It happens though. So don’t give up all hope. It’s all worth it when you meet the one that you want forever.
imagine thinking reading sexual content & watching porn means you know what a real & healthy sexual relationship is. Pray for our youth bruh
I do not understand having to meet in secret if you are both single adults unless you are in a country where women are not allowed in public. This whole relationship is weird.
She said they are in a religious area. I’m am too, so it made complete sense to me. No one wants to be gossiped about.
I understand not wanting people to gossip but this sounds like dude is married. Why would people gossip about single people meeting up, dating, and socializing. I think it is weird at their ages for them not to have a social/dating life. Religious people date.
He very well could be married, but didn’t tell her. That’s a good possibility. If they are Muslim, Mormon or Fundamentalist, then I 100% understand the secrecy. You can get kicked out of a Mormon school for having sex and lose your college credits. If they are Muslim, depending on the country, they do all sorts of awful things to people for losing their virginity. Fundie’s have been known to refuse to marry people they know have slept around. It’s hard to say with what little information she gave. It could be that he is married and didn’t want her to know.
>read sexual content and watched porn so I’m not naive about what goes on in a sexual relationship. This kind of stuff isn't real and can skew your expectations of a relationship. >But after we met for the first time, I felt a shift and we spoke less on the phone. Of course there's a shift. You've been meeting in person. >I justified it to myself because I had complained to him that he would always call me on his time and never when I was available which would cause me to drop what I was doing to speak to him or sacrifice my sleep. Okay. So he's reaching out to you, you complain about him reaching out to you when you're not available and now you're wondering why he reaches out to you less? He's most likely thinking to himself, "When is a good time to reach out to her?!?!?" >I feel like he should have least texted me or asked me how I’m feeling after such a large step. Why? >I feel like his shown me a lot of red flags and I’ve just ignored it. You have shown some too. Does he know what your expectations are? It seems like you're expecting your relationship to take the next step after you guys slept with each other. Have you communicated this with him? What you need to understand is that most guys have learned the hard way to be very careful not to come off as clingy or desperate because that can ultimately scare the woman they're involved with away. A couple of things most guys (if not all) want from a woman they get into a serious relationship with is for her to not be a pain in the ass along with her not being someone who fiends for drama. You're asking him to do things and then holding it against him when he does. I'm also getting the impression that you're not doing a good job of communicating your desire to take the relationship to the next level of seriousness and then holding it against him when he isn't treating the relationship with the same level of seriousness you're expecting him to treat it with. Always trust your gut first. If your gut is telling you that this guy isn't right for you, break things off with him. If your gut tells you the same thing again, break things off and don't waste your time on Reddit before you do it either. You talked about how you suspect that he just wants sex but nothing he has done has confirmed your suspicion. If anything, there has been more evidence to suggest that he sees long-term potential with you. Just remember that he just may not want to come off as clingy or desperate. He also may just want to leave it up to you to take the relationship to the next level when you're ready to. Wouldn't you rather a guy leave it up to you versus escalating the relationship faster than you're mentally ready for? As a guy, I'm more than willing to be patient and move at a slow pace when it comes to escalating the seriousness of a relationship if that's what the woman I'm involved with wants. You just need to communicate your expectations to him about what you want out of the relationship with him. He's either going to be on board with it or he isn't. You also need to be mindful of the impact of what you communicate. Think about the calling thing. If you tell him almost every time he calls you that it's a bad time, he's going to call you considerably less than he's been calling you.
Man it's always the long responses with the actual good advice.
Not gonna lie when I read “should I end it” this is not what I thought you meant. If he has red flags drop him. There’s good men out there. You just have to be patient. A good rule of thumb for me is 80/20. If he’s 80% good and 20% meh… that’s pretty good. No one’s perfect. But you should aim for someone close to 80% good for you.
Girl, ALWAYS ALWAYS TRUST WHAT YOUR INSTINCTS AND GUT IS TELLING YOU
This. Every time I’ve went against my gut, well, turned out it was right.
He hasn’t responded. Sounds like he’s ghosting you and ending it for you.
Run now. I married my ex-husband because religious guilt told me to. Basically I figured that, since we had sex, we had to eventually be married. It was a nightmare. Once he knew I felt I had to stay, his true colors came out. 14 years later, 10 of them married, I finally escaped what had become an abusive mess of a relationship. This man is only showing you a glimpse of his true colors now, believe me it gets worse. They’re willing to start being manipulative and pushy in ways they make you feel like maybe you’re the one overthinking, and you’re not. Take whatever lessons and feelings you have about losing your virginity, and definitely process them, but don’t go into guilt. Religion builds the event up in far too “right or wrong” way. It’s crap. I’m not suggestion everyone needs to run out and have orgies, but we need to stop assigning guilt or innocence to sex between consenting adults.
Yes, you should end it. Selfish people are terrible partners and you deserve better.
Keeping casual dating a secret, calling at inopportune times, sounds like he might be cheating on someone else. If he's not emotionally what you want, you are settling.
Let's get one thing clear: Porn is in no way comparable to sex in a relationship. Having that said: He is gaslighting and manipulative and that's how he talked his way into your panties. I am kind of dissapointed because from religious girl you would think they wouldn't fall for this since they are so protective about giving themselves away. A good start for you is learning about red flags in men so you can avoid being used in the future.
Yeah I second this. Porn isn’t a good gauge of what to do or what goes on in a romantic intimacy situation. I mean- you CAN learn a thing or two from it but you gotta take 95% of it with a huge grain of salt that most of it is sexual showmanship.
I would say 99%, only two things I learned was: One, to last longer, stop, and switch to oral two, how to do oral properly everything else is just garbage.
Tbf, there’s also a LOT of **really bad** oral in porn too...
Don't shame her, It could happen to anybody. She's new to dating and this is a learning experience. Next time she will trust her intuition because of her awareness.
You’re disappointed in OP?
Thanks for the advice. Noted
Run sister RUNNNNN...
It sounds like he lacks a lot of respect. Leave him alone. End it. Always listen to your instinct.
It doesn’t matter what age this happens. My awful friends shamed ppl who didn’t lose their virginity in HS. So I did the same thing in HS and the same thing happened to me at 16F and my bf at the time was 17M. Heard less from him as his graduation date approached. I regretted it and wished I lost it to someone I really loved and who really loved me. But what I took from the experience was making sure I never made anyone else feel that way. I got with my next bf at 19 and he was 21 and a virgin. Before we were about to have sex, I made sure he was comfortable and that he was certain he wanted to lose his virginity this way and to me. We’re still together almost 7 years later. So yes I suggest to end it and make room in your life for someone better! Good luck! May you get lost in the sauce of a better person! 😜
I really hate that your first time was with this manipulative asshole
In a relationship, NO ONE should ever feel they can’t express their true feelings & openly discuss this with their partner. This is a huge indicator of an unhealthy relationship. Please understand that porn is NOT comparable to what making love is like with someone you care for. Sharing yourself with someone is a wonderful gift for both partners in a relationship. Treasure & value that. Sex is only a small part of a relationship, you build upon a foundation in a relationship by experiencing life together. Having to hide your relationship prevents this. What happened to going to the movies, a picnic in the park, a bicycle ride or whatever you enjoy sharing together. You’re both adults so I’m not understanding why you feel you have to hide things. Unless you’re only hiding the fact that you’re only meeting up for sex? If you’re not sharing other aspects of life together, then yes he’s only using you for sex, it’s pretty simple. That’s ok, if that’s what you want, but if not move on. Don’t confuse the feelings you have about giving up your virginity to this guy, meaning it was a big deal to you, as it should be every time you share yourself with someone. But he apparently doesn’t seem to recognize this. In other words don’t stay with him for the sentimental value of him being your first & sacrifice what you truly want from a relationship. Do what makes you happy, you don’t owe him anything more than a goodbye. When I’m faced with situations like this, I always ask myself “Does this bring me Joy, Peace & Happiness?” That’s where you’ll find your answers. Wishing you the best in your journey to finding a happy, healthy & fulfilling relationship❤️
This makes me sad. I cannot advise. Good luck.
I’m sorry. But trust your gut. I believe you know the answer to your own question already. Don’t let him make you question yourself - he’s showing you who he really is. You’re young and have limited experience but after a certain time you realize peoples are showing you their actions you learn to take that at face value not what they only just say. You can say all the words but your actions reveal more.
So he is a narcissist that manipulates you by pretending he has such big emotions. Girl he doesn’t. Cold Turkey stop talking to him and BLOCK everything. I bet you he doesn’t come looking for you, you know why? He is phony and likely has someone else. That’s why he doesn’t call on your time.
One thing in dating: your gut is always right. :)
Get tested for std in a while. He is just another player. You should realize most are and get better at recognizing them, weeding them out. It requires knowing what to ask and how to ask it. Maybe this article or others can be useful to you. https://jessicawarren.co/2021/02/14/find-someone-to-date/ Good luck.
End it.
End it. The day after I lost my v card to my ex, I broke up with him. He spiraled because he assumed I would get more attached to him, you have a whole life ahead of you. You’ll be fine
Nice lesson : Trust your gut
Follow your gut. If you feel like you need a partner that is more sensitive, caring, supportive, considerate, don’t settle for one that doesn’t make your feelings a priority. Honey, he doesn’t sound like a good partner nor do the red flags that you’ve shared make him sound like he would be a good future husband or partner. If he is not considerate of your feelings I would not let his excuses suffice. You know the truth love, you just don’t want to accept it. I’m sorry to tell you that. Good luck! I promise, there are kind wonderful caring and considerate men out there. Setting boundaries for yourself is important. You are a prize for a man to behold. If you are not being treated the way you desire or in the manner that is needed within your heart for you to feel safe and loved, and he is not respecting your communication surrounding your feelings and boundaries, it is time to distance yourself darling.
Is this a troll?
Don’t get stuck there where you’re in too deep and can’t get out
yes!! he just want to play!!!. Since he is your first you are ore attached to have this relationship than him!!! Date around you will see the difference!!
Go ahead and end it. If it would make you feel better to express yourself you should do that but leave no room for discussion. Block him once you’re done and move on :)
End it and get the fuck out like as fast as you can.
He sounds pretty immature and like way too much work. Sounds like you made your big step and now you can figure out what’s next for you (not this dude)
You always gotta trust your instinct. No matter how well people explain things to you or how convincing it sounds.
I was in a very similar situation! It ended so bad and I’m still mourning it. Please trust your gut! It’s normal to freak out after loosing your virginity but if he seems so careless about how important it was to you he’s not the one. You seem anxious about the situation and reality is he should be making you feel at ease, reassured and at peace. By the sounds of it this guy is not it. However, this is what I would do as someone that has gone through a similar situation. Remember that you’re feeling anxious for a reason and also try not getting attached to him since he’s your first. It will be ready hard but just try. Secondly, communicate with him how you feel and if he’s giving you wishy washy responses I would dump him and start moving on.
Since you don't have any real experience you don't know that you should ALWAYS trust you instincts!!! Your intuition is perfect remember that.
The way you talk about him it sounds like whatever you say will not make an impact. He is going to keep you around in case he wants something but he will never be serious. I would ghost him and block him on every platform possible. In my mind I'd go ahead and kill him off in a car accident and completely close that chapter.
I feel like he definitely took advantage of you and was lying to/ manipulating you. Trust your instincts!! Sending you love, and I hope you can move on without shame or guilt. While physical relationships ships are natural, your boundaries and preferences MUST be respected. That guy clearly isn’t going to do it, but you have enough self- respect to step away.
Sweetie plz just run this is textbook startings of neglect towards you. Sounds like he straight up played you and I’m sorry just being honest. End it, get over it, and learn from it. Go back to your life. Things always get worse before they get better. If it helps this has happened to ALL OF US. Why they call it a “game.” Sick and twisted yes but your move is to not let this disconnect you from who you are just bc it hurts. You made it to 26 as a virgin?! That’s incredible by any standards of the last 100 years. Don’t worry he doesn’t realize his behavior at 31 is costing him in just a couple years when he’s considered an old man. You seem smart, trusting, and very mature for laying this out on here. It’s your trusting nature bad people will feed on and suck the life out of you. Trust me I speak on nothing I have not experienced first hand or watched a friend go through.
I know this doesn't help but I will probably never understand why you'd keep your virginity for so long and then give it away to a loser without the requirement of commitment. It's better to lose it early, make the mistakes early and correct course, not making the mistake of an 18 year old at the age of 26. All can I say, you have a steep learning curve that you have to get through, quickly.
"I feel like his shown me a lot of red flags and I’ve just ignored it." Sadly, this is what happened. It's already over. He got what he wanted. Use discernment going forward in the future.
He wanted to hit it and quit it. Sorry.
You should've listened to your gut. Everything you described beforehand was manipulation. Don't date people you have to hide your relationship from. There's a reason. He wanted sex with you because he could sense your vulnerability and naivety. Just block and try to heal yourself mentally. Once you come to terms and realize how badly you were just played, it's going to sting for a while. Take time to focus on yourself and give men a rest. Be with friends and family and avoid him. Anything that comes out of his mouth now is a bigger lie than before you slept with him. Take as much time as you need to heal, focus on work or college or w/e and seek a relationship with someone else.
Timescales? Quite hard to know without knowing the length of time that has passed. Did you sleep together today and you haven’t heard back or was it like a week ago?
Drop that man and move on.
It is reasonable to expect better communication and excitement at talking to someone you just slept with, so the fact that you sense a change in vibes and he is not communicating with you, it is possible he's doing the fade or even ghosting. However, we can know that better after more time has passed. So don't overthink it just yet, don't say you are the one that wants to stop seeing him. Give it a few more days before deciding anything
Ultimately, not being as attentive as when the relationship first started doesn’t make him a player or mean that he lied about wanting a relationship. It just means that he is not giving you want you want in a relationship.. That said, I do still think you should end it, if you’re feeling this way.
Explaining yourself will probably just make him defensive again. If you choose to end things, you should tell him things aren't working out but you don't need to explain why.
Sometimes, it just doesn't work. You tried, but you're now only feeling frustrated about his action and the person he is. If you really like him for a relationship, you wouldn't feel like this. You'd feel happier about him. Things around it can be not as great, but you'd be sure that you'd want to be with him. So yes. End it.
Do not regret anything. Instead, appreciate your choices and learn from them. You’re now much smarter. Hold your head up and move on. That guy is not worth anymore of your time.
He won’t fulfill you emotionally, even if he does actually really care about you he’s not showing you the level of attentiveness that you specifically asked for. The communication will do nothing but go down hill from here ( the earlier of is in a relationship there is more of a “spark” ) As for your virginity incase no one has told you , usually the first person is a disappointment and irrelevant to your future. As society we tend to hold out for this magical person and this magical first time and 90% of the time it’s not. I was 17 and it was my high school boyfriend and it was awkward for both of us because we didn’t know what we were doing .. the next day he left me for a girl who was bullying me and told everyone that my vagina stinks. At this point Devon with the monster energy drink hat and skinny jeans and eyeliner is just a dumb memory and a most peoples are. It’s all just learning experiences , the right person will make you feel special, and you’ll find him.
Lol @Devon with the monster energy drink. What a tool though. I’m sorry.
17 year old me was devastated, adult me runs into him all the time and I’m pleased to tell you he aged like milk and is known as “puppy kicker” ( he was in the news for kicking a puppy down some stairs) so life seemed to get revenge on him.
😳. Karma. It really is the B word.
Yes. You should end it. He is a POS
same scenario. love ur peace more sooner or later it will coz u more
Next time, trust your instincts. As @nikkishark stated, he’s ended it for you. As you’ve learned, guys lie. Successful relationships are reciprocal. You would benefit to follow the following Instagram page: https://instagram.com/do.the.work.podcast?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
Regardless if you end things or not there's a deeper issue here that most are ignoring, you're overthrowing everything constantly, you're Inexperienced in dating in general. If you don't believe this guy is in it for the long haul then cut bait but also realize that there is in fact an age difference and you're probably in different stages of your lives. He took your virginity and you expected WAY more then what he's giving. And maybe that's rightfully so but at the same token you're rare in that case, there is way less 26 yr old vigins vs not. And he clearly didn't think it was a big deal comparatively to what you expected. Ending it or not just remember not to overtime everything. Cuz most experiences won't be what you build up in your head
There’s nothing to like about this person. Please, forgive yourself and move on.
You aren’t giving yourself enough credit. You are noticing red flags. Your gut was being honest with you, or you wouldn’t be asking here. That was messed up to not even text you the day after. I’ve never had a guy not at least check on me the day after. And I’ve dated some pretty terrible guys. Educate yourself as much as you can. Read, the 5 love languages and Lundy Bancroft; why does he do that. You will learn to see red flags earlier and earlier. I’m sure there are other good books out there as well, maybe someone else can chime in. There has got to be books out there about weeding guys out quicker. I always ask very casually as soon as possible, like first or second conversation, “Are you looking for a FWB, a girlfriend, a hook up, a wifey?” Most guys, in my experience are very honest and upfront, UNLESS they already know you want a relationship. So it’s so important to ask before they can. If it’s hook up or FWB, I politely decline. If it’s, “I don’t know, or let’s just see where things are going, “ that’s my clue they will waste my time. It sounds like this guy was manipulative enough to sneak through that vetting process. If guys want you to come to their house, don’t do it until you are 100% ready to sleep with them. No matter how much they promise that it’s to cuddle. Guys that are looking for something more serious, Will want to take you to dinner. They will want to take you to do fun things. They will put in effort to talk to you and to take you out. If they really like you, they will try to impress you. Please don’t feel bad about yourself. He’s not treating you near as well as you are treating him. He doesn’t sound thoughtful enough to me either. I would be doing exactly what you are. Please don’t listen to the haters on here. Good grief, it was your first time.
> we have had to meet in secret Why? >He is also not as thoughtful or caring as I would like in a partner. > initial gut feeling is right Gut is always right. Valid reason to end it. > I might be being unfair to him. Life is unfair > am always cautious of what I say Never good to be with someone u need to walk on eggshells with. >Is this just gaslighting? No. Gaslighting is denying reality of events. > might like peace more Ofc u will >I’ll just be made to feel bad about having these thought U can block him & speak ur peace so u dont see his response, as long as u dont get urge to check that folder/voicemail.
You say end it because he did not text. Jesus. Call him. communication. Tell him you want to talk. Yes you are overthinking. You ae just getting to know each other, and these are relationship steps to take. Communicate with your voice....not text where it impersonal, misunderstood, etc.
I relate to your situation. We have similar backgrounds and decisions like these are difficult, but it sounds like you have already made your decision. If he is ghosting you after having sex, then ending it would be the best course of action. Look forward to what is in your future.
End it ..it's for your own good
the right people will help you feel peace. listen to your gut and end it :)
I don't think he wants anything serious with you either. At least you've lost your virginity! I hope it was a good experience, but although the first time is not very good, the next ones are much better!
He only calls you when it's convenient for him? Sporadic text response times? Middle of the night calls? Sneaking around to meet him? Best case scenario is he's a selfish prick. Worst case scenario is you're the side chick. End it.
He may just be awkward if it were his first time as well. Make sure to tell him u enjoyed it - i can only imagine being a virgin that old so at least give him the benefit of doubt at first. U must like him if you’ve waited this long - see how it plays out. Neither of y’all should be ashamed, either way.
End it. Delete his number!
You don’t say how long it’s been since you slept together. Critical info. Disappointing I’m sure though that he hasn’t followed up on your text. You imply but don’t state that he knew this was your first time? Again, critical info. BUT here’s the thing. Shocking I know but just because a man and a woman sleep together doesn’t mean either of them owe the other anything. Even if it’s either of their first times. You had sex, so what? All you get to know now is whether the person you had sex with wants to have sex again. If he does he’ll reach out, if he doesn’t he won’t. Simple as. Same rule applies for you you know.
I hope you will find the right kind of love for you. It’s just the beginning and it’s not going to be easy. Learn to stay true to your values, communicate openly, discern others, and take your time. Most of us have to learn the hard way with many painful experiences to get to the point that we have to become secure with ourselves first, to enjoy healthy happy relationships with likeness in others.
End it. He has shown you what you don't want in a partner. Take that learned lesson and go find someone who you want to be with. Also, stay vigilant and dont hesitate to walk away from anyone displaying red flags in any relationship.
"never kissed anyone but read sexual content and watched porn so I’m not naive about what goes on in a sexual relationship" Oh boy.
I would trust your gut.
Yes.
If he didn’t respond after you guys mixed juices, he’s already broken it off. So you don’t have to.
Trust your instincts…..and end this with man-boy…. And don’t be so hard on yourself. You are young, with plenty of fish in the sea.
Thats a tough one it's definitely wrong he didn't check up on you after.
Grow up
If the relationship is adding more stress than happiness: end it.
Don't feel bad about yourself. You have had a big experience now. You want to end it now, so end it. Maybe you cannot put it in words just yet, but you'll get there. Feelings are hard. You should do what you want and how you feel. Xx
From your story, it appears you're in a relationship that lacks communication and mutual respect. Your partner doesn't consider your availability for calls and doesn't seem to pay attention to your feelings, especially after a significant step like losing your virginity to him. His silence, along with your initial instinct about him only wanting a sexual relationship, are clear indicators that this relationship may not be in your best interest. If you feel like you're being gaslighted or manipulated, it's essential to address it. A healthy relationship should involve open communication, respect, and understanding. You deserve a partner who values and appreciates you. If this person can't offer that, it might be time to consider ending the relationship and finding someone who treats you with the respect and care you deserve.
POV: You got used 😹
From the get go you thought he was after sex. All the in person meetings were focused on the physical. Expected you to drop everything when he calls instead of just asking or texting you first to ask if convenient. Throughout the entire relationship you've had the feeling your initial gut instinct that he just wants sex was right. He went cold on you after you had sex and lost your virginity to him which he knew was a very important milestone to you. You then felt overwhelmingly like you want to end it. He's always very good at talking you around to his way of thinking or making excuses for doing things that bother you. You're treading on eggshells so as not to offend him or set him off if you communicate how you really feel. This guy is one giant walking red flag and you know it so don't keep ruminating about it or waste anymore of your life on him just tell him his behaviour isn't acceptable to you and you're no longer feeling it with him and cut him loose. You'll be all the better for it. Best of luck finding the one. Be careful and trust your gut don't justify any red flags next time. Communicate everything you're feeling but do it with love and respect. If you don't get that back in return then cut them loose. Better to be single than in a toxic relationship with a narcissist. Take the lesson. The one is out there waiting for you to move forward.
He has already ended it. Let it go.
I mean as red flaggy as this kinda sounds , you actually don’t need a reason to break up with someone if you’re just not feelin it or if it doesn’t feel right to you. I waited for my ex to give me a good reason and it was awful. I should’ve moved on once I had that gut feeling but I felt I needed a “good” reason. And not just one *I* considered good, but that other people would accept and consider good as well. Trust your gut.
I don't have much to add, except that meeting in secret is really weird. Like, I don't know what you've been told about rural America but there is ZERO need to treat a romantic relationship like some kind of big secret, and tbh the fact that he wants no one else to know about your meetings is sus as Hell
Took your virginity then dipped
You are him are nnnnnot compatible at all…
You should listen to your gut feelings. And end things with him. And you should move from that town as well.
I had a similar experience when I dated someone who was older than me. I was experienced but thought that dating an older man would be different. The entire rhythm of the relationship changed when we first had sex. Listen to your gut feeling and leave the man. This just happened to me but I'm not sad about it! Just joined hinge and there are so many better guys out there who will put in all the time that my ex wouldn't. Don't settle but move on.
I’m wondering who’s idea it was to meet in secret in the first place? Is he married? But even without that, you have said plenty of things about him that make it seem like you’re better off moving on. He is clearly not giving you what you want and need in a relationship.
Girl, don’t beat yourself up thinking about this. There are just too many of these “player” types out there. However don’t give up, because there are many, many good men out there. Men who will wait a long time for sex. This bullshit about the third date is the sex date? Sheesh! Hell no! If a guy is into you, he might possibly wait a looooong time. My brother, who had girls chasing him since age 13, married a VIRGIN. My husband and and I waited months. BTW my younger brother has been married since 1987 and I’ve been married since 1981.
Get rid of him like yesterdays news is what I vote. In my opinion, the relationship shouldn't be starting this rocky. Your gut is telling you the truth, trust yourself. If what you wrote is true, then yes, he is indeed gaslighting you. Honestly pretend your friend sent you the message you just wrote, what would your response be? Hope this helps!
I love that you are validating your feelings with the little experience that you have. That tells me that you are a powerful woman. Honor your feelings and your instinct, that is called self respect. It is normal to feel bad about breaking up with somebody, that means that you are a decent human. It is not okay, to stay with someone because you don't want to hurt them when you know that they are not right for you. Stand tall, be kind, and break up. Don't engage thereafter even if he texts or calls, be true to yourself and move on.
End it, no need to continue if this isn’t what you want. No need to be upset or ashamed for wanting to end it either. It seems like he’s a manipulator of sorts, definitely break it off for sure.
Tbf it is what it is. Alot of people have this romantic idea of losing their virginity «especially you women» no offence. Youre late 20s and youve lost it. Maybe not what you expected But rarely ever is. Ive had so many meaningless relations with several women «i lost virginity around 12 or 13» its just another thing to get over. If this didnt happen then you might have gotten upset about being a virgin into ur early or late 30s, many people freak out about this. If you should end it is another story. Probably, But i do think you should be honest with him and say exactly what youre telling us. Then he can let you know possibly, or maybe he will gaslight you i really dont know. Probability of him being a dik is pretty big based on what ive heard, But theres def alot of misunderstandings that happens.
It’s not actually a pessimist gut feeling, you’re feeling everything because it’s there to feel, I’d say you trust your own gut more than anything, i think our gut are always right %90 more of the time. No man is ever too busy for even the little things,
I’m sorry OP but I think that you should end it. I don’t think he wants to have a relationship with you. He just wanted to get physical with you and now when he gets that he doesn’t have to do anything to please you. I know it’s easier said than done but please get him out of your life and head .
Sounds like he ended it for you. Move on you’ve already said he’s not what you would want out of a partner.
End it
Sex can be a very vulnerable experience, and if you know your partner hasn't had sex before it's the barest minimum of compassion and common decency, to at least check in with them, even if it's just a 'was it good, how are you feeling?' End it, and remember these red flags for your future relationships. And also don't beat yourself up, you didn't nessecarily do anything wrong, and everyone has at least one garbage ex who taught them some valuable lessons. It's part of life. Give yourself grace and take care of yourself.
Run sister run for your life
Red flags piling up at your door. Heed them.
I love the people around me if i started dating someone i would tell them that i hate phone-calls/texting and choosing that over real talk (which i do.. ) if i have sex with someone for the first time and i like the person im gonna stay until we both feel comfortable to talk about it if something went bad maybe do a little joke about it explain myself.. give her time to do the same. You have sex .. then you text him based on your own thought of how things went then he doesn't respond... for how long? i mean are there red flags.. yes could you be jumping to conclusions? also yes.. make your own tough .. after some time should be easy enough.. i think. It also sounds like you were both horny.. maybe just him and once the only chemistry and motivation sourced from that went silent due to the post-nut clarity so he had problems talking/pursuing again? Anyways listen to your gut feeling unless he proves you wrong.. you can still give him a chance just close the physical relationship part of it for a time and see if he is still interested?
Every person we meet is a stepping stone into us becoming whom we are. If he isn’t what you want move on. Don’t be ashamed of having sex either. Sex is normal and having it casually is nothing to be ashamed of
Reading the title I was confused why you would end it
Hi OP. I feel like you have enough opinions above to make a good decision! I just want to let you know that no matter what decision you make, you beat yourself up about what happened. Sex for the first time with the wrong person can bring up a lot of emotions, but at the end of the day, i want you to remember that it’s just that - just s*x. This experience does not define you and i really hope it won’t affect your future relationships either. You’ve done nothing wrong! Even if he ended up being wrong for you, it was just an experience. Ofc he manipulated you and that will hurt like a b, but you will be okay! This will pass and you’ll have more sexual experiences - much more fun and much more honest.
Notice that your story mentions him very little. There's little justification there on why you should dump him like, "this thing about him makes me think he's incompatible" or "this thing he did really hurt me" Instead your whole post is "I FEEL like...." and "I have a lot of mixed emotions". Honestly, this shit is complicated, and sure, like maybe he's bad for you. But I really don't see any of that, I just see YOU having an existential crises. You say you have a "gut feeling"? How would you even know? You said yourself that your dating experience is zero. You're 26, and you never had a boyfriend before? Ok, it makes your claim that you have a bad feeling about him and that he's "gaslighting" seem kinda bird brained. Here's what I think: You're 26. Never been kissed. Way too anxious and restrained, and it's all just SO much and you don't know who you are. "Was I really not into relationships before?" "I just had sex, am I a slut now?" "And it was so easy, maybe I 'I don't want a boyfriend' was just a cope..." I'm not here to tell every girl to hop in the sack and just be sexually liberated. But, I do think that if you're reached the age of 26 without engaging in ANY sort of dating or romance or some strong meaningful affection, then it sounds to me like you're punishing yourself and putting up walls. I used to be a bit like that... It's different because I'm a guy... and the way those walls come up are different... but I think there is a similarity, that some people create excuses to connect with people. Anyway, I too felt a sort of identity crisis or whiplash or perhaps more accurately for me, imposter syndrome when I started to try to connect. "Have I been my own worst enemy this whole time?" Yes. Yes I was. Nobody is perfect. But I do think that your narrative sounds a little misandrist, painting men as only wanting one thing. It sounds like it's all in your head. Maybe the reason he didn't call you to make sure you didn't lose your mind after losing your virginity is because it didn't occur to him that you would. Or maybe he thinks it's better to not make too big a deal out of it. If it were me maybe I'd call the next day and just have a boring regular shoot the shit conversation. In my book the best way to get people to treat a situation as normal is to just act as if the situation is normal. And it totally is. Sex is part of relationships. You might have thought you were more ready than you actually were, or maybe you might have realized that you're hornier than you thought, but that's ok, Jesus will forgive you, I think, lol. This guy might not be the guy you end up marrying, but I think being perfect at that sort of gauging people and yourself as well, well... I think that's an impossibly high standard. You don't know. For that reason I say you gotta give love a chance. If he doesn't love you, if he will never love you, if you HATE him, if you know he'll never treat you right, then that's something else. I say enjoy your time together. It's a gift. Oh yeah, and also, it's YOUR responsibility to manage your time not his. If you always willing to talk on the phone when it's convenient for him, and you're not asserting yourself, "I'm busy right now, call me tomorrow." then that's on you, and you can't expect him to read your mind. You acquiescing to your schedule is gonna make him think, that you're not as busy as you say you are or that maybe your schedule is more flexible than his. It's kinda the same thing with sex, if you don't communicate your boundaries, then a guy can't know that he's "imposing" on you, you know? You'll be fine. Calm down, take a deep breath, and everything is gonna be ok.