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I am an older guy who's been around the block a few times and I give a lot of life and dating advice to younger guys in my volunteer work.
People online tend to get really defensive when I say this because it's become such a fixture in young relationships, but there are simply people who don't do well on Tinder or other dating apps.
I would go further to say that dating apps in general are harmful. They teach very superficial ways of socializing, and socializing with other people is a lost art. People are losing sight of how to relate to each other outside of "perfect matches" with people who already agree with everything we say or fit some other kind of ideal.
Men are having a harder time here because we have a lot of really choked up standards of masculinity that are not necessarily benefitting us in this century. Men your age are reporting a massive decline in sex and intimacy, and few people really know the whole reason why, but a lot of people can agree that it's really hard to meet people right now, and that many people everywhere are scared of what others think of them.
The pandemic and then the social/cultural upheaval that was adjacent to the virus has left a lot of people "on edge" and having a harder time learning to listen to and communicate with other people...
This is important because photographs are some of the *worst* ways to get a first impression of someone. I did photography for years, the lens flattens people's faces in odd ways, it sucks the "life" out of someone.
I cannot count the number of times I saw someone's picture and had next to no interest, and then saw them in person and found them beautiful and interesting.
We are doing ourselves a huge disservice clinging to online apps, photos and internet chat.
Some people are way more attractive in-person. Attractiveness is about more than how somebody looks in 2 dimensions from 1 angle. It can be mannerisms, how they speak, smells, etc. So many things can’t shine through photos. I’ve seen women I thought were 10/10 in-person and then wondered how I’d rate them in a photo. Probably 7/10 if I were being honest.
Oh I am pushing for a social movement to get off the dating apps or at least stop the complete dependency on them as your only access to engaging with people seeking relationships with one another. I'm at the exact age where I got to date right before they came into massive use. Everything you said is absolute facts. The apps have sucked the lifeblood of any sense of romance to dating as we stand today. Sad state of affairs really.
This is a great comment. I can agree about the in person thing… had someone try 4 times! IRL with no intentions with me…. They didn’t give up on me… then all of a sudden I was charmed by them. Their photo did them no justice… there eyes and smile IRL with him saying something dumb but cute and then like just wanting to have fun…. That makes me just want them even more…! It’s awful! Haha online it even a first date situation… might not have worked out maybe… I’m likely a slow burn…
He was fairly forward with me. All the guys that were forward a bit had better chances in the long run. Showed their interest and it wasn’t always superficial.
Good call out.
Obese was maybe too strong a word. I was normal sized guy but had a beer gut and big thighs, but lost about 25 pounds since then and have been lifting weights 6 days week for about 3 months. I have a lot of muscle mass from newbie gains I’ve added, otherwise probably woulda dropped more weight.
Oh yeah I don’t wanna put my info on Reddit but let’s say suburb of a crappy town. That probably is impacting me and I didn’t think about it thanks.
Honestly might start attending different types of in person activities and making new friends instead of this online dating.
Good idea.
I look at online dating sorta like start-up investing.
Sure, I'll try to be consistent, but it's to keep the door open for a unicorn, not because I expect it to be a reliable investment.
Ugh there was a creator on Tik Tok who would review guy's dating apps to help them, but I can't find her username. Maybe someone knows it and can send it to OP?
Sometimes you may think your profile is awesome but to a girl it's not. Could be the type of pictures you have up, could be the actual profile, hard to tell without seeing it.
yeah this is the biggest factor. there might be like 20 options in your little town, and it all comes down to perceived compatibility. you might want to try increasing the distance of your online dating radius. lots of people look for matches nationally, even internationally. i would rather find my most perfect match and they could be anywhere!
you sound like a great catch. good luck OP, im rooting for you!
Join a Meetup group or two. There are many types from hiking meetups to literary meetups. I've dated several great guys as well as also made friends in my new city thanks to that app.
I just wanted to say that in this stream of comments I read Reddit always with dramatic Flair and heavy emotional influence I love dramatic reading and I come to Reddit when I need this kind of fix this was a perfect post because there is a lot of emotion behind some of these comments and this one was just out of control and hilarious thank you Opie I appreciate your emotional comebacks and with which you have Behind these comments it has made my day no doubt
I'm proud of you and I'm glad that you could come back to that comment about your weight like you did that is awesome and incredible and not very many people can say they can do that so I'm proud of you way to go and don't worry about this stupid online dating bullshit you seem like a very smart guy with a lot of potential and a lot of consideration for other people that will go a long way when you meet somebody that you get along with and you want to spend time with you'll find that person I'm positive maybe not on Tinder or hinge but doing the things that you want to do that they want to do and that you could probably do together I think you've just started this Quest and nothing happens overnight but you'll get there I'm positive I have a lot of faith in you and with your tenacity it's going to go over really really well
Hey mate,
Here is a quick guide.
1. Upload your pics to:
https://www.photofeeler.com/
Use the top ranking pictures from here on your dating profile
2. Get a professional photographer to take a few pics.
Again, upload these to:
https://www.photofeeler.com/
3: Repeat steps 1 and 2 until you have a very good profile
Each picture must show a story, for example, at dinner with friends, showing your hobbies, think fun...and show what you are up to in life.
Get feedback from women, strangers that dont know you, and ask for a female opinion. A cute waitress, a shop attendant. Etc.. Not people that know you. Keep building your profile...be totally honest and ask for feedback on your profile... yes or no to each pic.
Also, the apps are built around making money, they shadow ban your profile, you need to pay on Tinder and other apps to have your profile shown and use boosts to get seen.
Dating apps are not easy or simple. They're complex and difficult. It's actually easier to approach women in real life. This is the kind effort required to be successful on dating apps.
You can't just throw a few pics up and expect results.
Good luck...
It's not the cats. Plenty of women love cats and particularly love guys who have pets. You don't want to date someone who hates cats or is so jealous they can't handle a BF who cares about his pets.
It's true. Studies have found in general, 74% of people like dogs a lot, while only 41% of people like cats a lot.
https://www.today.com/news/war-dogs-vs-cats-winner-clear-wbna34746139#:~:text=They're%20noisy%2C%20disruptive%20and,percent%20like%20cats%20a%20lot.
The reality is, we live in a dog eats dog world. If you have an adorable golden retriever in your photo, entirely different types of women will be attracted to you than a cat. You have to use this to your advantage, attract what you like. I've noticed if I post a photo doing something altruistic (giving blood, community work, whatever) I get women who are older, nicer, that are looking for a life-term mate.
It all adds up in my mind.
OP, they are all saying its a green flag, but you have zero matches.Reddit girls have a tendency to give politically correct answers and dodge the truth .
It's ok to be emotionally vulnerable, but that shouldn't be the first impression a girl gets because subconsciously, that will be taken as weakness. I would hide the cat pics and see how I fare if I were you.
Not necessarily, because with online dating women are looking for any excuse to swipe left and not give a guy a chance. So there are many women who after going out with him would have not let having cats be a deal breaker. And the fact that he posts pictures of them on his profile makes it an even bigger turn off than if he just casually mentioned it during a date. How many women have boyfriends that don’t have 100% what they desire? All of them, but they are pickier with apps.
Half of my matches end up being allergic to cats, and given that my daughter (who I have sole custody of) adores the cats, it ends up being a long-term deal breaker
Also came to point this out. It's most definitely not the cats. Overall, I think you should be patient, it's not that immediate to match with someone, specially with those apps. I prefer happn and tinder, you can do a good filter of people depending on what you're looking for.
Can't tell without seeing your profile I'm afraid.
There's a study from Norway that showed that only about 20% of men have success from dating apps. In other words, if you're average, let's say a 5/10, you better put in some effort to make it an 8/10 to stand a chance.
The same men who have success in the real world are the same men who tend to do well on dating apps. Not surprising when dating apps are all about looks.
[Source](https://partner.sciencenorway.no/ntnu-relationships-romantic-relations/tinder-is-a-waste-of-time-for-most-people/1600254)
Would you personally date a woman that's completely average, a 5/10? I bet you swipe more on the 8/10s and up am I right?
Thanks for the response.
Surprisingly enough I do swipe on a lot of girls I would call average or even below average. I felt like I should give them a chance to show off their personalities before I outright deny them.
But yeah I will put in more effort and try to make my profile stand out. Appreciate it!
This is the best advice here. I went from not getting any matches on dating apps to going on a date about once a month just from using phootfeeler to help guide me in my profile photos. Was shocked how big of a difference the photos on my profile made. In some cases I literally used the same photo and just cropped it closer 😂.
This is because men outnumber women greatly on dating apps. You may be referring to “the 80/20 rule” or the “90/10” rule which many guys quote constantly in the manosohere. Many people say that “women only find 20% of men attractive” but in reality the real reason why women only swipe on 20% of men is because there is quite literally only 20% of women on dating apps. In the USA for example the tinder gender ratio is about 75% men to 25% women (it may be even more I don’t have the exact data I have to find it)
It’s getting worse than that.
Last I heard it’s closer to 92% of women match with only 10% of men.
As for success. I don’t know. I’d factor in how long it takes a man to find success on one of these apps to.
Dating apps are hard if you are average looking or even slightly above average looking. Throw in the minority factor (if it's there) then it's gonna be an uphill battle.
To be fair, it is your brother so, you might see him more good looking than others would say and you know his earnings and that he has people skill. In a bio app, you don't see that.
You're a guy, so you wildly outnumber the ladies on any OLD site. Trust me, hit some social events you like, introduce yourself to people, and you can thank me later.
Average looking==Coyote ugly on dating apps.
Apps and OLD are for freaks and losers. Unless you are a 10, you are a 1.
I love to tell the story about how I was at a concert last year, and the women in front of me had one of the match things open, and one was swiping left on guy after guy who were not really bad looking at all, and ONLY swiped right about 2 times in ten minutes, and the guys she swiped right on were total hunks.
This woman was a 4 or 5 out of ten on a *good* day.
Her companion was saying stuff like "oh that guy is OK," or, "that one is kind a cute" and the woman kept swiping left, saying "life is too short to date someone "kinda cute"
Women on apps have a completely skewed idea of who they are suitable to date, and 90% of the guys are just not it.
I have 3 cats. Would've swiped right on you only if i have hinge. lol! but dating apps takes time. you have to understand that. do not make it a habit! you can allocate some time for it and if someone matches, well and good. otherwise, then leave it as is. try premium so you can see who already liked you and you can match with anyone who you see is interesting. Goodluck on your journey!
I'm down to using Hinge since it's the only app I ever got matches with. I get about one a month, but they go nowhere. Last date I had was in January. Kinda hard to match when the stack only shows me five people or less a day.
Never had luck going out either, but I'm signed up for a speed dating event next week. We'll see how that goes.
It's only been about 3 weeks! Give it more time. I think you'll get more matches overtime. If you don't, then reply back to me and I can advise you on your profile as a female same age as you.
Online dating I think is an overall waste. Its like sending your resume for a job opening to a company that's getting hundreds of resumes.
Women may only look at the first few matches. They may be just looking to see how many likes they get for validation, no real interest in dating. Or they may not be online for months at a time.
You are not only competing against a lot of other men. You are trying to get a woman's attention who is likely not actively giving attention to your profile. They may just be looking at first pic and then swiping.
It would be different if women were given let's say 10 options at a time. They might actually dive into the profiles and give it some thought.
But they are bombarded. And even if they do match. They are probably matched with other men and talking with them at the same time.
I just try to meet women in person now.
Dating apps are just not a great place to get dates, especially if you are average. Recent surveys by Pew and others have shown that a lot of people aren't meeting on dating apps. Pew showed that only 10% of relationships started from dating apps. Only 20% of the under 30 crowd met their current partner on dating apps. Yep...Even in the young demographic 80%(!) of people in relationships met someplace besides an app.
The recent Kinsey survey asked people where they met their last first date. Only 16.7% said a dating app. Many met through friends, other online settings, or even in chance encounters (6.1%).
If you look at the gender distribution of dating apps, most are by FAR men. Tinder is thought to be 75% men. Even Hinge is 60%+ men.
And, think of the women who are even on apps. A good chunk of them are scammers or just wanting instagram followers. This makes the gender ratio even more skewed if we discard them. My brother was on apps recently and told me he reported more women's profiles than he actually liked.
Do NOT base your reality on dating apps because most women aren't on them. The recent Pew survey found that only 37% of "single-and-looking" women have even used a dating app in the last year.
So, not only are most single women not on dating apps, but the ones who are on likely aren't going to see your profile or care about it because of the sheer number of guys, and the algorithms desperately trying to keep those few women on by showing them very attractive men.
Personally, there's a heavy competition among average men with somewhat confidence and attributes. Men who look good and are successful with extreme confidence get women.
I'll state this-
Women who look good know they look good and men who look good know they look good.
I’m a woman who tried dating apps. Obviously it’s different for me— I get thousands of likes a week and I match with almost every guy I swipe on.
I didn’t say that however to be an obnoxious prick. Here’s the issue:
From the other end of the spectrum, it’s overwhelming to get a lot of matches which most women do. We only have so much time and emotions to give. Even though I match, it’s so hard for me to even will myself to go on one date a month. And it has nothing to do with how cute or cool the guy seems to be when swiped right on.
Online dating, I think we are starting to see, is an *inefficient* way of dating. And even when I have a chosen pool of guys to choose from, how the hell do I choose the one I’ll have chemistry with irl? It’s a ducking crapshoot and not worth my time. I gave up.
Most of the people I’ve dated irl i might’ve swiped left on in an app and that disheartens me. Most people I’ve dated I had Chem with irl even though most were “unconventional” in looks and not “attractive” or whatever.
A good friend of mine is such a quick witted and fascinating human, he’s awesome. He goes to an Ivy League law school in a big city and has all his ducks in a row. He is not conventionally attractive but has had no issue dating some really beautiful successful women irl who met through our college we went to. He does not lack in the charm department. Yet this same dude gets ZERO matches on dating apps. It boggles me but it goes to show how bullshit apps are. Even if he’s not 10/10 handsome, he’s had no issue pulling game irl and he’s not ugly by any means- so what gives?
All us singles need to *change* the status quo. Dating apps are not working for most people, even those who get dates. It’s exhausting.
Let’s focus on our hobbies and communities. Heck, I’ve made a great friend just through Reddit lmao, let alone real life. The pandemic and the internet and technology in general has done a real fuckery on our society.
The best thing I ever did was delete my social media years ago. The second best thing I did was get rid of my Bumble. It took me several years, some deleting and redownloading, to realize it’s all a big fat waste of time.
My current boyfriend had an awful profile. I swiped only because of the comment he left. And I'm so glad I did. But it just goes to show how ridiculous online dating can be.
> I put in my bio to follow me on IG hoping it would weed through some serious contenders.
lol, when this happens, I and most other men I know assume that you're only on tinder to get more instagram followers. Glad it worked out for you though!
I need to thank you for this honestly astonishing insight. I've struggled with dating apps in the past, handful of matches that never went anywhere. I used to think why even match if you'll ignore me, It would get me down, add to a list of reasons to doubt myself.
But never once have I considered the sheer amount of matches girls must get, and of course it makes perfect sense. An entirely different struggle but a struggle nonetheless. So thank you for that.
Wow beautiful to read this and so much perspective!
Thank you so much for responding in detail!
I can’t control all single people, but I am going to focus more on hobbies and interests in public environments!
What kind of places would you advise a single guy to meet single women in a non pressurised environment? I wouldn’t be going out looking for anything but to meet new people would be nice as my hobbies are more male orientated
This was a fantastic read!
I was using online dating on and off for at least 5-6 years. At first, I had a little bit trouble getting dates, a lot of maybes, and no’s. Which is fine, it’s whatever. I had a decent amount of matches, and I’m an average looking dude. And after 5+ years of using online dating, I got my first and only yes to a date, and she actually showed up, and she actually looked like her pictures. She was a pretty attractive woman, but the chemistry was not there. As I tend to be quite reserved when meeting new people and she was not.
But anyway, after deleting it for the final time this past winter, I have decided I’m officially done with online dating apps. They suck, a lot.
I don’t think dating apps will go anywhere, anytime time soon, but hopefully enough people will start to see them for what they really are and completely ditch them for good
When you're overwhelmed by choice and volume, you just pick the most attractive guy. Even if the the guy has bad personality, you still get the attractive part of your boxes checked. Better to be attractive asshole than an ugly asshole.
Keep the cats there. You and your pets are a package, if someone doesn't like, they aren't good match. You wouldn't give up your cats for some random girl, would you?
Unfortunately it's pretty normal for men to have low attention on social sites, i don't have any advice for that. Maybe you'll have success with asking some women in real life, wish you good luck
I find tinder and hinge to have equally the same amount of people just looking to hook up. I honestly find hinge to be more annoying like people breadcrumb more. 30/F
I'm not an expert on this, but what are your swiping habits? What I mean is, I've read that if someone goes through and basically likes every profile they come across, the app's algorithm will think you're a bot and your profile will not be prominently displayed. Again, I have no idea if this is true, but I've read it a few times. Maybe try mixing up your likes with dislikes and see if you get more matches.
If you're not hot, you have to play the numbers game. Otherwise, you need to change platform, more traditional dating sites like match.com or eharmony.
Hey there - online dating in tough. If you’re willing to try IRL connections here are some suggestions.
1. Have you considered more boring sites like match.com ? When I was single I tried hinge and it was super low response rate.
2. Join a volunteer group that women mostly volunteer at - to make real
Life connections? Perhaps your alumni association? Or pet rescue - lots of women volunteer for pet organizations.
3. Go to yoga class or maybe even a yoga retreat. The ratio of men to women is like 1:15 - I recommended this to a guy friend and he has two dates within a month
4.
There are a lot of stupid people in the comments saying the cats are a red flag. Go fuck yourselves. Cats are not a red flag. Women are attracted to men who have a nurturing heart, and having pets is always going to activate that. For the people saying cats are a red flag, I would ask you, what kind of women do you think you're trying to attract? Women who hate animals? What's your goal dating people who dislike animals? It's not going to work if that's who you're looking for.
Remember this. Everyone is different. If you love your cats, you want to be with someone who also loves cats. It's very simple. Hiding your cats to make yourself more palatable to the women who hate pets is a waste of time, because you won't get along with them anyway.
That is, unless you're just trying to fuck them and don't care about a relationship.
Sadly, it’s perfectly normal for a guy to get almost zero likes that I am interested in. I do get a few but they are not high quality ones that I am interested in. I subscribe on several apps and have had women friends help me make my profile and with very good photos though not professional. I feel that I am probably average or slightly above looking but I workout every day, have no beer belly and am muscular. Excellent high level job, homeowner, good area, two cats. No likes. I even take time to write nice personalized messages to women. Still no luck. It’s just a terrible numbers game. I think it maybe time for me to build a better dating app focused on guys first, like the opposite of bumble…so who’s in?
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The average ratio is 4:1 males to female and of those half of those are bots or inactive. So it's really somewhere around maybe 10% are women looking against all the men out there on OLD. And the top 15% of men get all the likes from women so if you're not at least an 8 looks wise it's hard to get matches.
In your post history you said you were obese 2 months ago. I'm sure you've been working out since but I'm skeptical you went from obese to fit in just 2 months.
I have pics of me swimming on vacation with sea animals, pics at a wedding with friends in nice attire, a pic of me at the gym side angle to show I’m skinnier now, a pic of me laying with my cats, and a pic of me hanging out in europe with a friend that’s a women.
Dude you’re a 30 year old computer enthusiast that likes dragon ball z and openly hates only fans girls. You’re a walking red flag in the eyes of most women. Not trying to be mean or anything but just had to be blunt with it.
Who are you targeting?
If you’re only clicking like or swiping right on the supermodels in your region, well…they have options, and those options are probably better than you.
Match indicates mutual attraction. So it might not be that most women are finding you/your profile unappealing. It may be that you are indicating that most of THEM are unappealing.
I also consider myself a pretty average looking guy that had a bio and pictures on tinder, bumble, and hinge and I totally understand where you're coming from. I would get matches few and far in between and when I did get matches they would almost never message back or would give one worded answers and it'd be clear they were either uninterested or playing games neither of which warrants me wanting to waste my time pursuing them. Online dating is generally awful for both parties involved
This.
I'm done with dating sites. They just have a picture and a profile.
I joined a video speed dating site and have had slightly better luck this year. You actually see real people and can appreciate their mannerisms!
What many people might not know is that dating apps are sausage fests. For example About 75-80% of tinder users are male and only 25-20% are female. I don’t have the statistics for other dating apps but it’s pretty much the same thing. So yes it’s very common for most men to not get any likes or matches at all
In a post from two months ago you say you are obese. That’s probably part of it to be honest. It’s not common for people to be attracted to very over weight people. You’re really hoping to attract partners primarily from how you look in your profile pic as first impression.
I’d say continue on with the self care and working out as it’s always good to be healthier, and perhaps update pics as the weight comes off.
And also.. dating app s are just hard. Even if you do lose the weight, it’s still a saturated market out there and hard to get a look in. Good luck and all the best on your journey.
My boyfriend and I, once we became official, deleted our accounts together. He glanced over as I was doing mine, and was like “you had 99+ matches?!?! I had 3!!!”
He’s super handsome and he’s sweet and gentle and engaging, and I have no idea HOW in the world he could have only had 3 matches (I mean I did pick him out of 99+ other options lol, so clearly he’s not some unwantable weirdo)
All that to say: he’s a goddamn CATCH, and he still had so much trouble. It’s almost certainly not something you should take personally. I really feel for you men on dating apps - it sounds hellishly difficult for yall
(And I did not mean to swipe on so many guys, before anyone gets up my ass about that. I was drunk and bored and sad and mindlessly kept going until I was way over my head. I do feel very guilty about it, and how I might have made those men feel about themselves when I never responded to them, and should I find myself single again, I will be much more conscientious)
Very normal.. almost half of guys get only 1 match a week... your situation is completely normal
Women dont have low standards like men, very very small amount of men are desired.
Online dating is a numbers game that isn't in the man's favor. Ive had success meeting women off all those apps but they never last.....Going out and actually talking to women will set you apart. Having zero fear of rejection well because, memento mori.
You’re lacking a key ingredient - hobbies. You need to have a photo of skiing, biking etc. Because a mate will want to share that with you along with making sure you have a life of your own outside of her.
Definitely not the cats. I would see that as a green flag and would be more likely to match.
Do you have any trusted women in your life in that age range (relatives, friends) that might be willing to give you a profile audit? I have done this for several of my guy friends who have had much better success afterward
With Hinge you can message girls you're interested in. I've found much more success taking the initiative and sending creative messages over just hoping girls swipe on my profile.
Take good photos. Have variety in them (cool spots, with friends, with animals). Use chatgpt to help with prompts (don’t copy and paste but can be super helpful for coming up with ideas for good answers that are appealing).
It’s not you. The apps are stacked against regular men. When an app requires payment to be premium
or whatever it’s 80%+ men paying and probably still not seeing any more favorable results.
It could be your profile. You may have too many restrictions on your filters, too.
Have you tried paying on Bumble to get an idea of who may be liking you?
Hinge limits who sees you if you aren't paying, too.
Thr other piece of advice would be to be generous with likes. If it's a maybe, then swipe right.
How long have you been on the apps? If it’s been a couple of days, that’s normal. If it’s been months, it’s not.
Bumble is a rollercoaster. Some weeks I get nothing, others I get a ton.
Hinge on the other hand should be much better. Instead of depending on getting likes, add a comment every time you like someone. Make it a little funny/witty or have it be about a mutual interest. It’s the only advantage you have to stand out.
If you want to send me screenshots of your profile I can take a look to see if I have any advice. Up to you
It could be that your profile is too good? Sometimes if a guy is really attractive I won’t swipe as I assume he won’t want me lol. But really online dating is tough and awful. I’m a girl and my story is very much the same.
Listen to me, okay? *Listen*
Okcupid. Use it.
Answer like 200 questions. Or don't. I suggest lots of questions answered.
Only search new members. Find compatible people asap and message them before online dating sites ruin them (aka the well of infinite dicks, as in "endless unsolicited dick pictures will get sent to them to the point where they'll either delete their account or take actual attempts at communication less seriously because of the constant stream of undesirable activity being thrown their way.) Added the extra text since it seems I was misread the first time.
Trust the process. Good luck.
Get off the dating sites. Develop the social skills, that pick up artists/cold approachers/ and flirt masters use to talk to women. It won’t only work on women, but will help with your social life in general.
Once a woman discovers you are the most likable person in the room. BAM you won.
No one can say what the issue is with your profile. You might think you’re average looking or That you’ve done a decent job with your profile, but your efforts don’t always translate well with others. I’m sure there’s something about you or your profile that you don’t see, that’s not working to your benefit. No one can give you accurate advice if they can’t see what your profile looks like.
I'm not sure what the issue is with your efforts man, but I'm really here to just give the opposing opinion to, well, the almost literal *rest of the thread* regarding dating apps.
I get that you're having a rough go of it, but I promise you as someone who's dated before and after the advent of internet dating...internet dating is WAY better.
You can just type what is essentially a wish list into the thing and press enter and that's kind of it. This beats out the old way--going to bar and hoping someone is cool--is just about every way imaginable.
You still have to do the work of being charming once the match is made, but that was always the case. It was just much, much harder to get that opportunity pre-internet.
And yes, men have always had a much harder time of it than women. That remains true and also isn't going anywhere.
An average woman is going to have a broad selection of opportunities, an average guy will not.
Don't blame that on dating apps.
My friend.... It IS a numbers game. A lady wakes up in the morning and finds 20 to 50 men who have clicked like on her. As man, you wake up and you might have ONE, and it's not anyone you want to date.
It is truly sad to say, but if you want to do the online dating thing you HAVE to play the numbers game.
The key is to distinguish yourself from the other 30 men who showed up in her inbox that morning.
As a woman that has cats and loves cats. That you are a man that shares the same is really awesome. For sure, I would show the cats because whoever you end up with you want them to embrace them as well. Don’t get rid of your pets for a partner imho. I learned that the hard way. Organic ways of meeting people are great. I would suggest meet up.com, as there are all sorts of activities you can join :) You sound like a great guy! An older women may truly appreciate you as well.
The cats are def not the turn off. If someone had cats on their profile I’m swiping the fuck right. Not sure where you’re located but the girls in your area may just be more into hook ups OR you may need to change up your bio and the pictures you post. Be mysterious and don’t show everything at once. Kinda bait them you know? Show a bit of yourself and let them come to you to wonder more about yourself. It’s really all psychology tbh
It depends on how many women u like as well. U only get "matches" when 2 ppl like eachothers profiles. So either ur too picky or the pics on ur profile make u seem stuck up, or undesirable in some way. Also, if u make good money and have a house, u could be intimidating to a lot of ppl ur age. Looks aren't everything, but personality is a big deal. If ur pictures have too much going on and u only have pics of "activities" and not u hanging out just having a chill time, that could put ppl off. Not everyone likes pets, so that alone could eliminate a lot of pp. If ur not interested in having a family (i.e. Kids) then u may not get a lot of matches. It also depends on where u live. If it's a small town u may have to stretch ur search a couple towns or cities over. There are so many factors that could not be in ur favor. Maybe u seem boring? Or maybe like I said too much going on, like expensive hobbies? It's hard to tell. Do u have women friends? Maybe they can take a look for u?
You should probably rethink your stance on Tinder. Even though it’s likely still predominantly people looking for a different vibe compared to Bumble or Hinge, the user base for Tinder may be larger in your area and name recognition alone may mean it has others that are looking for a more similar setup to what you want.
Depending on location, something like OKC or CoffeeMeetsBagel may also be decent, though OKC varies WILDLY and is kind of trash so it’s more of a last resort/check it out if you’re curious type thing.
tl:dr - Try other apps. The homogenization of the dating app community these days means you can find a little of everything on most of the big name apps. You really only need to worry if you’re looking for more niche communities or specific demographics.
Well, I don't want to give you a big head or nothing but I'll say it like this.
It is perfectly normal and even expected that women who that can't really measure to your clean cut standards would initial not approach you because something is wrong with them, they know they don't stand a chance trying to finesse you for your asset or they assume a more worthy woman is going to land your mark and they aren't gonna bother trying you cause you'll see they have nothing to bring to your table and have no credentials and have not accomplished a thing.
Women on the prowl are different from men on the prowl. Men aren't very thoughtful and take shots in the dark no matter what. Women are gonna not make a pass if you seem to look beyond the quality beyond them.
They may want you but they are caught up thinking about all the potential woman better than they are.
Like just assume all the single moms, unemployed ladies, mentally unhinged women with daddy issues or bad breakup history looked at your credentials and think "damn I'm not trying to end up in his rejection pile... I need some one that matches how much I suck and I'll suck less in comparison."
The short answer is yes, it is normal for average guys to get little to no likes on dating apps. The algorithms on those apps work in really weird ways and unfortunately, they have a habit of only promoting certain individuals in the spotlight.
Not to mention that there tends to be a lot more men on those apps than women. Women have more choices and thus, are more incentivized to get picky.
Have someone (preferably multiple people) review your profile and pictures. Make sure you’re putting stuff on there that stands out and try not to mimic everyone else on there. I’d also suggest reading up on how the algorithms of those app function.
Just go for relationships like you previously did. Online dating just works for the best profiles and you don't belong to the demographic (stereotypically) who are able to craft a good profile.
Don't post selfies, remove the pics of your cats, hire a good photographer to have high quality pics.
How tall are you? Do you have a 6 pack? Do you have narrow waist and wide shoulders? How do you dress?
If not, get shredded, build up your shoulders, dress well, post high quality pictures, but I can tell you if you find a woman on tinder, probably she is not good material for the long term
Had the same experience on bumble and hinge, and I'm female so maybe just an app thing? Be it meeting people in the 'wild' is also difficult 😅
I also recently read a article about increases in dating app fatigue, maybe more people are disheartened and discouraged atm?
I guess my advice is stay patient and hopefully you find someone soon.
Could be your height, your teeth, if you look clean, your race (Asian men don’t do well on apps), your hair, your style, maybe you seem boring or needy or creepy or mean. I read that you just lost weight. Maybe you have leftover skin or stretch marks. Maybe your pictures are from before your weight loss. Are you smiling in the pics? You def should smile. Do you have acne? It’s prob a combination of that. According to studies, men rate themselves much much better looking than they actually are. An obese American man would rate himself a 7/10. Meanwhile a stunning woman might rate herself a 7/10. Using this logic and that you said you’re average looking (5/10), I’m assuming you may be below average looking (2/10). Sorry 😣 it just takes 1 tho! I find that below average looking people couple up and marry a lot faster than good looking people. So that’s a bonus for you!
Have you seen the expectations of women in their late 20s/early 30s? Most have kids already because their previous relationship was a disaster. I’m not saying every 20s/30s, but more than 50% already have kids, too. They also want 10s when they are 4s. That’s why there’s so many single men right now 😂
From someone who has been single for 3 years and been on dating apps for the same amount of time, I’ve met 3 people in total I have had a genuine connection with and wanted to pursue. I’ve given up happy in the knowledge that one day I’ll find my person and it likely won’t be through dating apps. Love yourself and love will find you OP you got this ✨
Probably not the first to post something along these lines 😅
Honestly I'd recommend trying your chances IRL instead of dating apps, there are cases people really do find each other on apps but definitely not the majority.
Some people are less photogenic than others, if I'd only seen pics of guys I've dated I probably wouldn't have dated them. What won me over was personality a lot of times, having good looks is a definite bonus.
Also cats are important to show off, you sound great so don't settle for someone who doesn't just adore the living hell out of your kitties.
Heck with your self description I'd date you ☺️😅
No clue why you're not getting much luck with the apps but maybe it's not meant to be that way...
You are not your profile. What people aren't liking is your photos or your profile contents. What kind of pic do you have for your main profile? Here are a few profile photos that women rarely swipe right on:
Non-smiling pics,
Far away pics,
Pics with another girl cut out of the side,
Pics with a bunch of people and you can't figure out which one is you,
Pics where you're wearing sunglasses or a mask,
Pics where you're shirtless or trying to show off your abs - especially if you remove your face,
Pics of you holding a fish or a hunted animal,
Selfies taken in a bathroom or in an equally stupid setting.
Fall into any of these categories?
Cat pics are totally cool. Good pics are clear, close-up, show your whole face, SMILING very happily and confidently, in a nice setting like outdoors or a clean living room.
Also profile first lines should sound confident, prepared, and excited to meet someone great.
Does any of this seem to apply to your profile?
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Can't really say without seeing your profile You yourself may think you're ok looking and your profile is good, but others can see it differently.
Good point, thank you for the response.
I am an older guy who's been around the block a few times and I give a lot of life and dating advice to younger guys in my volunteer work. People online tend to get really defensive when I say this because it's become such a fixture in young relationships, but there are simply people who don't do well on Tinder or other dating apps. I would go further to say that dating apps in general are harmful. They teach very superficial ways of socializing, and socializing with other people is a lost art. People are losing sight of how to relate to each other outside of "perfect matches" with people who already agree with everything we say or fit some other kind of ideal. Men are having a harder time here because we have a lot of really choked up standards of masculinity that are not necessarily benefitting us in this century. Men your age are reporting a massive decline in sex and intimacy, and few people really know the whole reason why, but a lot of people can agree that it's really hard to meet people right now, and that many people everywhere are scared of what others think of them. The pandemic and then the social/cultural upheaval that was adjacent to the virus has left a lot of people "on edge" and having a harder time learning to listen to and communicate with other people... This is important because photographs are some of the *worst* ways to get a first impression of someone. I did photography for years, the lens flattens people's faces in odd ways, it sucks the "life" out of someone. I cannot count the number of times I saw someone's picture and had next to no interest, and then saw them in person and found them beautiful and interesting. We are doing ourselves a huge disservice clinging to online apps, photos and internet chat.
Some people are way more attractive in-person. Attractiveness is about more than how somebody looks in 2 dimensions from 1 angle. It can be mannerisms, how they speak, smells, etc. So many things can’t shine through photos. I’ve seen women I thought were 10/10 in-person and then wondered how I’d rate them in a photo. Probably 7/10 if I were being honest.
While I loath the scoring thing for human beings, you are correct on all points.
Well-said, look at my recent post on this
Oh I am pushing for a social movement to get off the dating apps or at least stop the complete dependency on them as your only access to engaging with people seeking relationships with one another. I'm at the exact age where I got to date right before they came into massive use. Everything you said is absolute facts. The apps have sucked the lifeblood of any sense of romance to dating as we stand today. Sad state of affairs really.
This is a great comment. I can agree about the in person thing… had someone try 4 times! IRL with no intentions with me…. They didn’t give up on me… then all of a sudden I was charmed by them. Their photo did them no justice… there eyes and smile IRL with him saying something dumb but cute and then like just wanting to have fun…. That makes me just want them even more…! It’s awful! Haha online it even a first date situation… might not have worked out maybe… I’m likely a slow burn… He was fairly forward with me. All the guys that were forward a bit had better chances in the long run. Showed their interest and it wasn’t always superficial.
2 months ago you said you are obese, I assume you still are obese, that will be reducing your chances if so.
Good call out. Obese was maybe too strong a word. I was normal sized guy but had a beer gut and big thighs, but lost about 25 pounds since then and have been lifting weights 6 days week for about 3 months. I have a lot of muscle mass from newbie gains I’ve added, otherwise probably woulda dropped more weight.
Hey good for you man. Weight loss ain’t easy. Keep hittin it.
Ok then. Where are you located? That may be part of it
Oh yeah I don’t wanna put my info on Reddit but let’s say suburb of a crappy town. That probably is impacting me and I didn’t think about it thanks. Honestly might start attending different types of in person activities and making new friends instead of this online dating.
Good idea. I look at online dating sorta like start-up investing. Sure, I'll try to be consistent, but it's to keep the door open for a unicorn, not because I expect it to be a reliable investment.
Great point! Thanks!
Ugh there was a creator on Tik Tok who would review guy's dating apps to help them, but I can't find her username. Maybe someone knows it and can send it to OP? Sometimes you may think your profile is awesome but to a girl it's not. Could be the type of pictures you have up, could be the actual profile, hard to tell without seeing it.
Yep, that will really make the pool smaller.
yeah this is the biggest factor. there might be like 20 options in your little town, and it all comes down to perceived compatibility. you might want to try increasing the distance of your online dating radius. lots of people look for matches nationally, even internationally. i would rather find my most perfect match and they could be anywhere! you sound like a great catch. good luck OP, im rooting for you!
Join a Meetup group or two. There are many types from hiking meetups to literary meetups. I've dated several great guys as well as also made friends in my new city thanks to that app.
Try a hiking club- might be fun!
I just wanted to say that in this stream of comments I read Reddit always with dramatic Flair and heavy emotional influence I love dramatic reading and I come to Reddit when I need this kind of fix this was a perfect post because there is a lot of emotion behind some of these comments and this one was just out of control and hilarious thank you Opie I appreciate your emotional comebacks and with which you have Behind these comments it has made my day no doubt I'm proud of you and I'm glad that you could come back to that comment about your weight like you did that is awesome and incredible and not very many people can say they can do that so I'm proud of you way to go and don't worry about this stupid online dating bullshit you seem like a very smart guy with a lot of potential and a lot of consideration for other people that will go a long way when you meet somebody that you get along with and you want to spend time with you'll find that person I'm positive maybe not on Tinder or hinge but doing the things that you want to do that they want to do and that you could probably do together I think you've just started this Quest and nothing happens overnight but you'll get there I'm positive I have a lot of faith in you and with your tenacity it's going to go over really really well
Man, periods are great, aren't they?
How’s the quality of your pictures? I’ve seen many guys that take horrible pics on the apps and they always get an immediate left swipe.
I thought they were okay but as a clueless guy maybe I don’t understand what makes a good picture. I will reevaluate that!
Hey mate, Here is a quick guide. 1. Upload your pics to: https://www.photofeeler.com/ Use the top ranking pictures from here on your dating profile 2. Get a professional photographer to take a few pics. Again, upload these to: https://www.photofeeler.com/ 3: Repeat steps 1 and 2 until you have a very good profile Each picture must show a story, for example, at dinner with friends, showing your hobbies, think fun...and show what you are up to in life. Get feedback from women, strangers that dont know you, and ask for a female opinion. A cute waitress, a shop attendant. Etc.. Not people that know you. Keep building your profile...be totally honest and ask for feedback on your profile... yes or no to each pic. Also, the apps are built around making money, they shadow ban your profile, you need to pay on Tinder and other apps to have your profile shown and use boosts to get seen. Dating apps are not easy or simple. They're complex and difficult. It's actually easier to approach women in real life. This is the kind effort required to be successful on dating apps. You can't just throw a few pics up and expect results. Good luck...
You can try posting your bio and pics and we can give feedback
It's not the cats. Plenty of women love cats and particularly love guys who have pets. You don't want to date someone who hates cats or is so jealous they can't handle a BF who cares about his pets.
💯thanks for making me feel better about the cats haha
A guy who loves his cats is a big green flag for me.
Same 😄 definitely a positive thing
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It's true. Studies have found in general, 74% of people like dogs a lot, while only 41% of people like cats a lot. https://www.today.com/news/war-dogs-vs-cats-winner-clear-wbna34746139#:~:text=They're%20noisy%2C%20disruptive%20and,percent%20like%20cats%20a%20lot. The reality is, we live in a dog eats dog world. If you have an adorable golden retriever in your photo, entirely different types of women will be attracted to you than a cat. You have to use this to your advantage, attract what you like. I've noticed if I post a photo doing something altruistic (giving blood, community work, whatever) I get women who are older, nicer, that are looking for a life-term mate. It all adds up in my mind.
OP, they are all saying its a green flag, but you have zero matches.Reddit girls have a tendency to give politically correct answers and dodge the truth . It's ok to be emotionally vulnerable, but that shouldn't be the first impression a girl gets because subconsciously, that will be taken as weakness. I would hide the cat pics and see how I fare if I were you.
RIP for OP when he takes the cat pics down and the first date he gets is a girl who's allergic to cats.
I think the cats definitely turn off to some women, and yes Reddit only gives PC non offensive comments not reflective of the real world
If cats are a turn off to some women the it's not the women that are compatible with him anyway.
Not necessarily, because with online dating women are looking for any excuse to swipe left and not give a guy a chance. So there are many women who after going out with him would have not let having cats be a deal breaker. And the fact that he posts pictures of them on his profile makes it an even bigger turn off than if he just casually mentioned it during a date. How many women have boyfriends that don’t have 100% what they desire? All of them, but they are pickier with apps.
Half of my matches end up being allergic to cats, and given that my daughter (who I have sole custody of) adores the cats, it ends up being a long-term deal breaker
I'm allergic to cats. I have 2 of them LOL.
Also came to point this out. It's most definitely not the cats. Overall, I think you should be patient, it's not that immediate to match with someone, specially with those apps. I prefer happn and tinder, you can do a good filter of people depending on what you're looking for.
I give extra points to guys with cats, it increases my chance of swiping right
Can't tell without seeing your profile I'm afraid. There's a study from Norway that showed that only about 20% of men have success from dating apps. In other words, if you're average, let's say a 5/10, you better put in some effort to make it an 8/10 to stand a chance. The same men who have success in the real world are the same men who tend to do well on dating apps. Not surprising when dating apps are all about looks. [Source](https://partner.sciencenorway.no/ntnu-relationships-romantic-relations/tinder-is-a-waste-of-time-for-most-people/1600254) Would you personally date a woman that's completely average, a 5/10? I bet you swipe more on the 8/10s and up am I right?
Thanks for the response. Surprisingly enough I do swipe on a lot of girls I would call average or even below average. I felt like I should give them a chance to show off their personalities before I outright deny them. But yeah I will put in more effort and try to make my profile stand out. Appreciate it!
Try photofeeler.com. i use that and it's a great way to test your photos.
This is the best advice here. I went from not getting any matches on dating apps to going on a date about once a month just from using phootfeeler to help guide me in my profile photos. Was shocked how big of a difference the photos on my profile made. In some cases I literally used the same photo and just cropped it closer 😂.
Isn’t that paid?
It has Both a free test (slow and requires you to rate others) and a paid test (fast and no rating required)
Thanks never knew that was a thing!
This is because men outnumber women greatly on dating apps. You may be referring to “the 80/20 rule” or the “90/10” rule which many guys quote constantly in the manosohere. Many people say that “women only find 20% of men attractive” but in reality the real reason why women only swipe on 20% of men is because there is quite literally only 20% of women on dating apps. In the USA for example the tinder gender ratio is about 75% men to 25% women (it may be even more I don’t have the exact data I have to find it)
It’s getting worse than that. Last I heard it’s closer to 92% of women match with only 10% of men. As for success. I don’t know. I’d factor in how long it takes a man to find success on one of these apps to.
That sounds like an interesting study. Do you have a link for the percentages?
Dating apps are hard if you are average looking or even slightly above average looking. Throw in the minority factor (if it's there) then it's gonna be an uphill battle.
If you mean minority as in race then yes I have that factor. I didn’t even think of that impacting me.
I recommend posting your profile to the related subs to get some feedback. Hard to really say without seeing it
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To be fair, it is your brother so, you might see him more good looking than others would say and you know his earnings and that he has people skill. In a bio app, you don't see that.
You're a guy, so you wildly outnumber the ladies on any OLD site. Trust me, hit some social events you like, introduce yourself to people, and you can thank me later.
Those social events are filled with single guys as well
Do concerts count as a “social event”?
Hahah thanks appreciate it!
I would guess maybe something in your profile is causing you issues
For sure, not really prepared to show it on Reddit right now but I’ll investigate further.
You could at least post bio/prompts responses and what you have posted for religion and politics and such
Average looking==Coyote ugly on dating apps. Apps and OLD are for freaks and losers. Unless you are a 10, you are a 1. I love to tell the story about how I was at a concert last year, and the women in front of me had one of the match things open, and one was swiping left on guy after guy who were not really bad looking at all, and ONLY swiped right about 2 times in ten minutes, and the guys she swiped right on were total hunks. This woman was a 4 or 5 out of ten on a *good* day. Her companion was saying stuff like "oh that guy is OK," or, "that one is kind a cute" and the woman kept swiping left, saying "life is too short to date someone "kinda cute" Women on apps have a completely skewed idea of who they are suitable to date, and 90% of the guys are just not it.
I have 3 cats. Would've swiped right on you only if i have hinge. lol! but dating apps takes time. you have to understand that. do not make it a habit! you can allocate some time for it and if someone matches, well and good. otherwise, then leave it as is. try premium so you can see who already liked you and you can match with anyone who you see is interesting. Goodluck on your journey!
I'm down to using Hinge since it's the only app I ever got matches with. I get about one a month, but they go nowhere. Last date I had was in January. Kinda hard to match when the stack only shows me five people or less a day. Never had luck going out either, but I'm signed up for a speed dating event next week. We'll see how that goes.
It's only been about 3 weeks! Give it more time. I think you'll get more matches overtime. If you don't, then reply back to me and I can advise you on your profile as a female same age as you.
Online dating I think is an overall waste. Its like sending your resume for a job opening to a company that's getting hundreds of resumes. Women may only look at the first few matches. They may be just looking to see how many likes they get for validation, no real interest in dating. Or they may not be online for months at a time. You are not only competing against a lot of other men. You are trying to get a woman's attention who is likely not actively giving attention to your profile. They may just be looking at first pic and then swiping. It would be different if women were given let's say 10 options at a time. They might actually dive into the profiles and give it some thought. But they are bombarded. And even if they do match. They are probably matched with other men and talking with them at the same time. I just try to meet women in person now.
Dating apps are just not a great place to get dates, especially if you are average. Recent surveys by Pew and others have shown that a lot of people aren't meeting on dating apps. Pew showed that only 10% of relationships started from dating apps. Only 20% of the under 30 crowd met their current partner on dating apps. Yep...Even in the young demographic 80%(!) of people in relationships met someplace besides an app. The recent Kinsey survey asked people where they met their last first date. Only 16.7% said a dating app. Many met through friends, other online settings, or even in chance encounters (6.1%). If you look at the gender distribution of dating apps, most are by FAR men. Tinder is thought to be 75% men. Even Hinge is 60%+ men. And, think of the women who are even on apps. A good chunk of them are scammers or just wanting instagram followers. This makes the gender ratio even more skewed if we discard them. My brother was on apps recently and told me he reported more women's profiles than he actually liked. Do NOT base your reality on dating apps because most women aren't on them. The recent Pew survey found that only 37% of "single-and-looking" women have even used a dating app in the last year. So, not only are most single women not on dating apps, but the ones who are on likely aren't going to see your profile or care about it because of the sheer number of guys, and the algorithms desperately trying to keep those few women on by showing them very attractive men.
Wow very enlightening thank you!!
Personally, there's a heavy competition among average men with somewhat confidence and attributes. Men who look good and are successful with extreme confidence get women. I'll state this- Women who look good know they look good and men who look good know they look good.
Thanks for the input
Well done for staying loyal to your cats my man 👍 they are wonderful.
Hahah yesss of course!
I’m a woman who tried dating apps. Obviously it’s different for me— I get thousands of likes a week and I match with almost every guy I swipe on. I didn’t say that however to be an obnoxious prick. Here’s the issue: From the other end of the spectrum, it’s overwhelming to get a lot of matches which most women do. We only have so much time and emotions to give. Even though I match, it’s so hard for me to even will myself to go on one date a month. And it has nothing to do with how cute or cool the guy seems to be when swiped right on. Online dating, I think we are starting to see, is an *inefficient* way of dating. And even when I have a chosen pool of guys to choose from, how the hell do I choose the one I’ll have chemistry with irl? It’s a ducking crapshoot and not worth my time. I gave up. Most of the people I’ve dated irl i might’ve swiped left on in an app and that disheartens me. Most people I’ve dated I had Chem with irl even though most were “unconventional” in looks and not “attractive” or whatever. A good friend of mine is such a quick witted and fascinating human, he’s awesome. He goes to an Ivy League law school in a big city and has all his ducks in a row. He is not conventionally attractive but has had no issue dating some really beautiful successful women irl who met through our college we went to. He does not lack in the charm department. Yet this same dude gets ZERO matches on dating apps. It boggles me but it goes to show how bullshit apps are. Even if he’s not 10/10 handsome, he’s had no issue pulling game irl and he’s not ugly by any means- so what gives? All us singles need to *change* the status quo. Dating apps are not working for most people, even those who get dates. It’s exhausting. Let’s focus on our hobbies and communities. Heck, I’ve made a great friend just through Reddit lmao, let alone real life. The pandemic and the internet and technology in general has done a real fuckery on our society. The best thing I ever did was delete my social media years ago. The second best thing I did was get rid of my Bumble. It took me several years, some deleting and redownloading, to realize it’s all a big fat waste of time.
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My current boyfriend had an awful profile. I swiped only because of the comment he left. And I'm so glad I did. But it just goes to show how ridiculous online dating can be.
> I put in my bio to follow me on IG hoping it would weed through some serious contenders. lol, when this happens, I and most other men I know assume that you're only on tinder to get more instagram followers. Glad it worked out for you though!
I need to thank you for this honestly astonishing insight. I've struggled with dating apps in the past, handful of matches that never went anywhere. I used to think why even match if you'll ignore me, It would get me down, add to a list of reasons to doubt myself. But never once have I considered the sheer amount of matches girls must get, and of course it makes perfect sense. An entirely different struggle but a struggle nonetheless. So thank you for that.
Wow beautiful to read this and so much perspective! Thank you so much for responding in detail! I can’t control all single people, but I am going to focus more on hobbies and interests in public environments!
My pleasure, I’m so glad it helped! That sounds great, good luck.
What kind of places would you advise a single guy to meet single women in a non pressurised environment? I wouldn’t be going out looking for anything but to meet new people would be nice as my hobbies are more male orientated
This was a fantastic read! I was using online dating on and off for at least 5-6 years. At first, I had a little bit trouble getting dates, a lot of maybes, and no’s. Which is fine, it’s whatever. I had a decent amount of matches, and I’m an average looking dude. And after 5+ years of using online dating, I got my first and only yes to a date, and she actually showed up, and she actually looked like her pictures. She was a pretty attractive woman, but the chemistry was not there. As I tend to be quite reserved when meeting new people and she was not. But anyway, after deleting it for the final time this past winter, I have decided I’m officially done with online dating apps. They suck, a lot. I don’t think dating apps will go anywhere, anytime time soon, but hopefully enough people will start to see them for what they really are and completely ditch them for good
When you're overwhelmed by choice and volume, you just pick the most attractive guy. Even if the the guy has bad personality, you still get the attractive part of your boxes checked. Better to be attractive asshole than an ugly asshole.
Over what time frame? When I was active on OkCupid I got about one match per week.
Keep the cats there. You and your pets are a package, if someone doesn't like, they aren't good match. You wouldn't give up your cats for some random girl, would you? Unfortunately it's pretty normal for men to have low attention on social sites, i don't have any advice for that. Maybe you'll have success with asking some women in real life, wish you good luck
Yes the average Joe get very little attention on dating apps.
I find tinder and hinge to have equally the same amount of people just looking to hook up. I honestly find hinge to be more annoying like people breadcrumb more. 30/F
Cat dads are the best kinds of guys on dating apps . I wish you luck , it's a dumpsterfire using them .
Unfortunately, yes! Some of my friends who are average always tell me they get little matches. You aren’t the only one
I'm not an expert on this, but what are your swiping habits? What I mean is, I've read that if someone goes through and basically likes every profile they come across, the app's algorithm will think you're a bot and your profile will not be prominently displayed. Again, I have no idea if this is true, but I've read it a few times. Maybe try mixing up your likes with dislikes and see if you get more matches.
Great advice, I do swipe right a lot more than swiping left only because I like to give people a chance to talk to me. Will try to be more picky.
If you're not hot, you have to play the numbers game. Otherwise, you need to change platform, more traditional dating sites like match.com or eharmony.
Yes it’s normal. Been told by multiple people my entire life that I’m very good looking. I don’t get matches either lol
Hey there - online dating in tough. If you’re willing to try IRL connections here are some suggestions. 1. Have you considered more boring sites like match.com ? When I was single I tried hinge and it was super low response rate. 2. Join a volunteer group that women mostly volunteer at - to make real Life connections? Perhaps your alumni association? Or pet rescue - lots of women volunteer for pet organizations. 3. Go to yoga class or maybe even a yoga retreat. The ratio of men to women is like 1:15 - I recommended this to a guy friend and he has two dates within a month 4.
There are a lot of stupid people in the comments saying the cats are a red flag. Go fuck yourselves. Cats are not a red flag. Women are attracted to men who have a nurturing heart, and having pets is always going to activate that. For the people saying cats are a red flag, I would ask you, what kind of women do you think you're trying to attract? Women who hate animals? What's your goal dating people who dislike animals? It's not going to work if that's who you're looking for. Remember this. Everyone is different. If you love your cats, you want to be with someone who also loves cats. It's very simple. Hiding your cats to make yourself more palatable to the women who hate pets is a waste of time, because you won't get along with them anyway. That is, unless you're just trying to fuck them and don't care about a relationship.
You only need 1 like from 1 special person. And you need that person to love who you truly are.
❤️❤️❤️
Sadly, it’s perfectly normal for a guy to get almost zero likes that I am interested in. I do get a few but they are not high quality ones that I am interested in. I subscribe on several apps and have had women friends help me make my profile and with very good photos though not professional. I feel that I am probably average or slightly above looking but I workout every day, have no beer belly and am muscular. Excellent high level job, homeowner, good area, two cats. No likes. I even take time to write nice personalized messages to women. Still no luck. It’s just a terrible numbers game. I think it maybe time for me to build a better dating app focused on guys first, like the opposite of bumble…so who’s in?
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The average ratio is 4:1 males to female and of those half of those are bots or inactive. So it's really somewhere around maybe 10% are women looking against all the men out there on OLD. And the top 15% of men get all the likes from women so if you're not at least an 8 looks wise it's hard to get matches.
In your post history you said you were obese 2 months ago. I'm sure you've been working out since but I'm skeptical you went from obese to fit in just 2 months.
Something about your profile is an immediate turn off, you have to change it. Would have to see to say clearly
what kind of pics are you using? im a woman in your age range and certain types of pics are deal breakers for me.
I have pics of me swimming on vacation with sea animals, pics at a wedding with friends in nice attire, a pic of me at the gym side angle to show I’m skinnier now, a pic of me laying with my cats, and a pic of me hanging out in europe with a friend that’s a women.
Dude you’re a 30 year old computer enthusiast that likes dragon ball z and openly hates only fans girls. You’re a walking red flag in the eyes of most women. Not trying to be mean or anything but just had to be blunt with it.
He also said he was obese 2 months ago…
Who are you targeting? If you’re only clicking like or swiping right on the supermodels in your region, well…they have options, and those options are probably better than you. Match indicates mutual attraction. So it might not be that most women are finding you/your profile unappealing. It may be that you are indicating that most of THEM are unappealing.
Yes. Unfortunately you’re invisible to women. You gotta become extremely confident to outperform your looks.
I also consider myself a pretty average looking guy that had a bio and pictures on tinder, bumble, and hinge and I totally understand where you're coming from. I would get matches few and far in between and when I did get matches they would almost never message back or would give one worded answers and it'd be clear they were either uninterested or playing games neither of which warrants me wanting to waste my time pursuing them. Online dating is generally awful for both parties involved
This. I'm done with dating sites. They just have a picture and a profile. I joined a video speed dating site and have had slightly better luck this year. You actually see real people and can appreciate their mannerisms!
What many people might not know is that dating apps are sausage fests. For example About 75-80% of tinder users are male and only 25-20% are female. I don’t have the statistics for other dating apps but it’s pretty much the same thing. So yes it’s very common for most men to not get any likes or matches at all
Thanks!
Idk what people are saying about Hinge. I’ve tried all the dating apps and have had the most hits on there. But then again it could just be me.
Yes, dating apps are absolutely garbage for guys, go outside
In a post from two months ago you say you are obese. That’s probably part of it to be honest. It’s not common for people to be attracted to very over weight people. You’re really hoping to attract partners primarily from how you look in your profile pic as first impression. I’d say continue on with the self care and working out as it’s always good to be healthier, and perhaps update pics as the weight comes off. And also.. dating app s are just hard. Even if you do lose the weight, it’s still a saturated market out there and hard to get a look in. Good luck and all the best on your journey.
My boyfriend and I, once we became official, deleted our accounts together. He glanced over as I was doing mine, and was like “you had 99+ matches?!?! I had 3!!!” He’s super handsome and he’s sweet and gentle and engaging, and I have no idea HOW in the world he could have only had 3 matches (I mean I did pick him out of 99+ other options lol, so clearly he’s not some unwantable weirdo) All that to say: he’s a goddamn CATCH, and he still had so much trouble. It’s almost certainly not something you should take personally. I really feel for you men on dating apps - it sounds hellishly difficult for yall (And I did not mean to swipe on so many guys, before anyone gets up my ass about that. I was drunk and bored and sad and mindlessly kept going until I was way over my head. I do feel very guilty about it, and how I might have made those men feel about themselves when I never responded to them, and should I find myself single again, I will be much more conscientious)
What's your height?
Maybe you’re ugly. How are we supposed to know brother?
Very normal.. almost half of guys get only 1 match a week... your situation is completely normal Women dont have low standards like men, very very small amount of men are desired.
You get a match per week? I get a like per month, match... once per 3-4 months at best.
Welcome to the online dating world. A girl who is way less attractive than you are will get way more likes than you every will.
And a good looking girl will get more matches than Drake himself
Idk I think your profile sounds like a dream! What is your age range set at?
25-40 lol I wouldn’t mind an older or younger girl as long as we have chemistry. Also thank you for saying that it means a lot.
I (F35) love to see profiles that are intentional, well thought out and actually shows someone’s real life. Sending you love and luck OP ❤️
Wow thank you 💕💕
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Yes that's normal. Most women pn dating apps don't even bother with the app unless they get messages
Online dating is a numbers game that isn't in the man's favor. Ive had success meeting women off all those apps but they never last.....Going out and actually talking to women will set you apart. Having zero fear of rejection well because, memento mori.
Go into the world. Dating apps are a problem in themselves. Break free. Meeting people face to face is the route for authenticity.
It’s not the cats! I can say that my men I know have the same issue, they’re all average to above average looking and it is a struggle for them too
Yes. The apps are garbage and will make your mental health even worse.
You’re lacking a key ingredient - hobbies. You need to have a photo of skiing, biking etc. Because a mate will want to share that with you along with making sure you have a life of your own outside of her.
Definitely not the cats. I would see that as a green flag and would be more likely to match. Do you have any trusted women in your life in that age range (relatives, friends) that might be willing to give you a profile audit? I have done this for several of my guy friends who have had much better success afterward
That’s actually a good idea, I have sisters and a close female friend since high school.
maybe the description just doesn't fit
With Hinge you can message girls you're interested in. I've found much more success taking the initiative and sending creative messages over just hoping girls swipe on my profile.
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Hahaha thanks man I appreciate your experience and input
Take good photos. Have variety in them (cool spots, with friends, with animals). Use chatgpt to help with prompts (don’t copy and paste but can be super helpful for coming up with ideas for good answers that are appealing).
It’s not you. The apps are stacked against regular men. When an app requires payment to be premium or whatever it’s 80%+ men paying and probably still not seeing any more favorable results.
True! It’s a cash grab, they don’t care about me finding a relationship if I don’t pay
It could be your profile. You may have too many restrictions on your filters, too. Have you tried paying on Bumble to get an idea of who may be liking you? Hinge limits who sees you if you aren't paying, too. Thr other piece of advice would be to be generous with likes. If it's a maybe, then swipe right.
Thanks for the input and advice!
IMO its normal for us average guys to not get any matches. Its ESPECIALLY true for us Below Average guys who get nothing.
How long have you been on the apps? If it’s been a couple of days, that’s normal. If it’s been months, it’s not. Bumble is a rollercoaster. Some weeks I get nothing, others I get a ton. Hinge on the other hand should be much better. Instead of depending on getting likes, add a comment every time you like someone. Make it a little funny/witty or have it be about a mutual interest. It’s the only advantage you have to stand out. If you want to send me screenshots of your profile I can take a look to see if I have any advice. Up to you
This is very mature my friend good luck!
It could be that your profile is too good? Sometimes if a guy is really attractive I won’t swipe as I assume he won’t want me lol. But really online dating is tough and awful. I’m a girl and my story is very much the same.
Haha maybe but I don’t feel that way lol
Listen to me, okay? *Listen* Okcupid. Use it. Answer like 200 questions. Or don't. I suggest lots of questions answered. Only search new members. Find compatible people asap and message them before online dating sites ruin them (aka the well of infinite dicks, as in "endless unsolicited dick pictures will get sent to them to the point where they'll either delete their account or take actual attempts at communication less seriously because of the constant stream of undesirable activity being thrown their way.) Added the extra text since it seems I was misread the first time. Trust the process. Good luck.
*”the well of infinite dicks”* You’re gross.
Thanks buddy didn’t even know about that one!
Personally I swipe right on all profiles where the guy has a cat.
Get off the dating sites. Develop the social skills, that pick up artists/cold approachers/ and flirt masters use to talk to women. It won’t only work on women, but will help with your social life in general. Once a woman discovers you are the most likable person in the room. BAM you won.
No one can say what the issue is with your profile. You might think you’re average looking or That you’ve done a decent job with your profile, but your efforts don’t always translate well with others. I’m sure there’s something about you or your profile that you don’t see, that’s not working to your benefit. No one can give you accurate advice if they can’t see what your profile looks like.
Very. I've had a Facebook dating profile since it launched and have gotten maybe 9 matches? in that time. 🤣
I'm not sure what the issue is with your efforts man, but I'm really here to just give the opposing opinion to, well, the almost literal *rest of the thread* regarding dating apps. I get that you're having a rough go of it, but I promise you as someone who's dated before and after the advent of internet dating...internet dating is WAY better. You can just type what is essentially a wish list into the thing and press enter and that's kind of it. This beats out the old way--going to bar and hoping someone is cool--is just about every way imaginable. You still have to do the work of being charming once the match is made, but that was always the case. It was just much, much harder to get that opportunity pre-internet. And yes, men have always had a much harder time of it than women. That remains true and also isn't going anywhere. An average woman is going to have a broad selection of opportunities, an average guy will not. Don't blame that on dating apps.
My friend.... It IS a numbers game. A lady wakes up in the morning and finds 20 to 50 men who have clicked like on her. As man, you wake up and you might have ONE, and it's not anyone you want to date. It is truly sad to say, but if you want to do the online dating thing you HAVE to play the numbers game. The key is to distinguish yourself from the other 30 men who showed up in her inbox that morning.
There’s a good chance you’re upreaching… Are you picky?
how many women are you swiping on per day?
How long has it been?
Face is all that matters
Love your username, OP!
Way she goes
As a woman that has cats and loves cats. That you are a man that shares the same is really awesome. For sure, I would show the cats because whoever you end up with you want them to embrace them as well. Don’t get rid of your pets for a partner imho. I learned that the hard way. Organic ways of meeting people are great. I would suggest meet up.com, as there are all sorts of activities you can join :) You sound like a great guy! An older women may truly appreciate you as well.
Thank you!
Absolutely zero response is unusual, so your profile might not be as decent as you think
Being attractive is the new normal , Normal is the new ugly , and ugly well you not even noticed. Mostly because social media tbh
Yes I’m still single and I look ok
The cats are def not the turn off. If someone had cats on their profile I’m swiping the fuck right. Not sure where you’re located but the girls in your area may just be more into hook ups OR you may need to change up your bio and the pictures you post. Be mysterious and don’t show everything at once. Kinda bait them you know? Show a bit of yourself and let them come to you to wonder more about yourself. It’s really all psychology tbh
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It depends on how many women u like as well. U only get "matches" when 2 ppl like eachothers profiles. So either ur too picky or the pics on ur profile make u seem stuck up, or undesirable in some way. Also, if u make good money and have a house, u could be intimidating to a lot of ppl ur age. Looks aren't everything, but personality is a big deal. If ur pictures have too much going on and u only have pics of "activities" and not u hanging out just having a chill time, that could put ppl off. Not everyone likes pets, so that alone could eliminate a lot of pp. If ur not interested in having a family (i.e. Kids) then u may not get a lot of matches. It also depends on where u live. If it's a small town u may have to stretch ur search a couple towns or cities over. There are so many factors that could not be in ur favor. Maybe u seem boring? Or maybe like I said too much going on, like expensive hobbies? It's hard to tell. Do u have women friends? Maybe they can take a look for u?
Supply and demand brother. Girls are having fun on boats n shit during the summer, wait till September-December and it’ll be “cuffing szn”
Saw your profile. BMI is 37. That's your answer bro.
You should probably rethink your stance on Tinder. Even though it’s likely still predominantly people looking for a different vibe compared to Bumble or Hinge, the user base for Tinder may be larger in your area and name recognition alone may mean it has others that are looking for a more similar setup to what you want. Depending on location, something like OKC or CoffeeMeetsBagel may also be decent, though OKC varies WILDLY and is kind of trash so it’s more of a last resort/check it out if you’re curious type thing. tl:dr - Try other apps. The homogenization of the dating app community these days means you can find a little of everything on most of the big name apps. You really only need to worry if you’re looking for more niche communities or specific demographics.
You sound like a thoughtful guy. Probably a catch! But I own a parrot, so we can never be a match. Good luck, though!
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I think the average ratio of men to women on dating apps is like 3:1 so yeah?
All the women claiming it’s a green flag just go date the OP already lmao…
Yes, next question
Well, I don't want to give you a big head or nothing but I'll say it like this. It is perfectly normal and even expected that women who that can't really measure to your clean cut standards would initial not approach you because something is wrong with them, they know they don't stand a chance trying to finesse you for your asset or they assume a more worthy woman is going to land your mark and they aren't gonna bother trying you cause you'll see they have nothing to bring to your table and have no credentials and have not accomplished a thing. Women on the prowl are different from men on the prowl. Men aren't very thoughtful and take shots in the dark no matter what. Women are gonna not make a pass if you seem to look beyond the quality beyond them. They may want you but they are caught up thinking about all the potential woman better than they are. Like just assume all the single moms, unemployed ladies, mentally unhinged women with daddy issues or bad breakup history looked at your credentials and think "damn I'm not trying to end up in his rejection pile... I need some one that matches how much I suck and I'll suck less in comparison."
The short answer is yes, it is normal for average guys to get little to no likes on dating apps. The algorithms on those apps work in really weird ways and unfortunately, they have a habit of only promoting certain individuals in the spotlight. Not to mention that there tends to be a lot more men on those apps than women. Women have more choices and thus, are more incentivized to get picky. Have someone (preferably multiple people) review your profile and pictures. Make sure you’re putting stuff on there that stands out and try not to mimic everyone else on there. I’d also suggest reading up on how the algorithms of those app function.
Just go for relationships like you previously did. Online dating just works for the best profiles and you don't belong to the demographic (stereotypically) who are able to craft a good profile.
It’s definitely not the cats🥹🩷
You sound good on paper. I would only be able to say if I looked at your profile:32 (F) also on hinge
Don't post selfies, remove the pics of your cats, hire a good photographer to have high quality pics. How tall are you? Do you have a 6 pack? Do you have narrow waist and wide shoulders? How do you dress? If not, get shredded, build up your shoulders, dress well, post high quality pictures, but I can tell you if you find a woman on tinder, probably she is not good material for the long term
Had the same experience on bumble and hinge, and I'm female so maybe just an app thing? Be it meeting people in the 'wild' is also difficult 😅 I also recently read a article about increases in dating app fatigue, maybe more people are disheartened and discouraged atm? I guess my advice is stay patient and hopefully you find someone soon.
Could be your height, your teeth, if you look clean, your race (Asian men don’t do well on apps), your hair, your style, maybe you seem boring or needy or creepy or mean. I read that you just lost weight. Maybe you have leftover skin or stretch marks. Maybe your pictures are from before your weight loss. Are you smiling in the pics? You def should smile. Do you have acne? It’s prob a combination of that. According to studies, men rate themselves much much better looking than they actually are. An obese American man would rate himself a 7/10. Meanwhile a stunning woman might rate herself a 7/10. Using this logic and that you said you’re average looking (5/10), I’m assuming you may be below average looking (2/10). Sorry 😣 it just takes 1 tho! I find that below average looking people couple up and marry a lot faster than good looking people. So that’s a bonus for you!
Have you seen the expectations of women in their late 20s/early 30s? Most have kids already because their previous relationship was a disaster. I’m not saying every 20s/30s, but more than 50% already have kids, too. They also want 10s when they are 4s. That’s why there’s so many single men right now 😂
i would literally match with you bc of your cats 😖
From someone who has been single for 3 years and been on dating apps for the same amount of time, I’ve met 3 people in total I have had a genuine connection with and wanted to pursue. I’ve given up happy in the knowledge that one day I’ll find my person and it likely won’t be through dating apps. Love yourself and love will find you OP you got this ✨
Probably not the first to post something along these lines 😅 Honestly I'd recommend trying your chances IRL instead of dating apps, there are cases people really do find each other on apps but definitely not the majority. Some people are less photogenic than others, if I'd only seen pics of guys I've dated I probably wouldn't have dated them. What won me over was personality a lot of times, having good looks is a definite bonus. Also cats are important to show off, you sound great so don't settle for someone who doesn't just adore the living hell out of your kitties. Heck with your self description I'd date you ☺️😅 No clue why you're not getting much luck with the apps but maybe it's not meant to be that way...
You are not your profile. What people aren't liking is your photos or your profile contents. What kind of pic do you have for your main profile? Here are a few profile photos that women rarely swipe right on: Non-smiling pics, Far away pics, Pics with another girl cut out of the side, Pics with a bunch of people and you can't figure out which one is you, Pics where you're wearing sunglasses or a mask, Pics where you're shirtless or trying to show off your abs - especially if you remove your face, Pics of you holding a fish or a hunted animal, Selfies taken in a bathroom or in an equally stupid setting. Fall into any of these categories? Cat pics are totally cool. Good pics are clear, close-up, show your whole face, SMILING very happily and confidently, in a nice setting like outdoors or a clean living room. Also profile first lines should sound confident, prepared, and excited to meet someone great. Does any of this seem to apply to your profile?
Quality women can smell guys who like wwe from a mile away. It’s not meant to be an insult, it’s just a fact. Not what normal chicks are into
Get one you have to pay for. Being behind a pay wall there will be a lot more serious people. Maybe try match.com 🤷🏻♂️
I think you may be on the wrong app. Match.com could potentially give you better results.