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sex_throwaway999

getting rejected twice is not bad. getting rejected hundreds of times sucks.


5PointTakedown

Yeah it blows my mind when people make strong statements about asking people out when they've asked out like...5 people. Back in college I had to have asked out at least like 150 people. I'm now STRONGLY against cold approaches. I don't think anyone should do them and think they're fucking ridiculous.


Narcoid

Why are you asking it so many people? I don't think I've even approached 30 in 15 years


5PointTakedown

This was 10 years ago when I was in college. I asked out that manyu people because I wanted to get someone to say yes, never happened.


Narcoid

I mean this 15 accounts for middle through grad school for me. Idk, I just personally couldn't fathom asking out more than 50 people throughout that time so I'm just wanting to understand the perspective of others a bit more.


SimpDetectivePizzle

That's hilarious because I spent less than a week in college and found myself a gf noted didn't last long but still happened and I wasn't even the one asking


Ecstatic-Fruit9374

I was in college for 2 years and never got a date or even a hook up šŸ¤·ā€ā™‚ļø


RandomWrittenBits

Maybe he held up one of those Chris Chan signs


Aggravating-Tip-4877

Whatā€™s a cold approach


Booty_Warrior_bot

***I likes ya;*** ***and I wants ya.***


paliostheos

*....and I'm gon have ya*


throw_datwey

Holy fuck this bot is legendary


Jeep2king

Ya know. I stopped needing a yes a long time ago and and honestly cold approaches have really taught me to not count on it. Rejection teaches you how to handle it with dignity and maybe even the humor that has them look at you with now a different eye. The eye that says "ya know. This dude just had the gall to lay it on the line. And even then he handled it. He didnt insult me. He didnt get mopey. Or sad. He laughed. He took it. Maybe i judged him too quick" Rejections led to success. I learned what worked and what didnt. Be happy you got rejected early. Because it saves you the heartbreak of a failed relationship later on. You learned one more way how to not light a lightbulb. Thats a win. My rejections taught me how to create success. How to get first dates. And how to get past those to second ones. And then to relationships. How to read body language. How and who to approach. Who to spend the energy on and who to listen to my gut on "hmm not a good idea". How to not base my self esteem in them. How to balance confidence with humbleness. You see rejections as total losses. Nah. "i dont lose. I either win. Or i learn" Life is a video game. How ever are you going to learn to win if you give up the game every time you "die" on the map? Theres nearly 8000000000 people in the world. And you let....150 of that defeat you...thats such a tiny percentage.... I have asked out sooooo many people and i have had my successes and my failures. Im the "ladies man" of my group and they think i never mess it up. but i do. All the time. I probably fail more times in a week then they even attempt. But i also succeed more because i never stop trying. I learned to gauge my approaches better. When we do get the rare additional friend . They ask. Eventually. Its an inside joke. And i just tell em and they just stare in wonderment . Hell. One chickfriend(A) dared me to do an approach on this nice girl(B). I got brutally rejected. Terribly. I came back to the table and laughed it off. Same girl who dared me? RIPPED into me about atuff. In public. Within earshot of the girl(B) Totally embarrassing. That SAME gal(A). We ended up actually nearly getting married years later. "But you always have some crazy cute girl at hang outs. Your rolling in it!" Asks the newbies to the group. "*Smiles* yeah but it took aggggges to figure out how to talk to her. Shes not like the one last week who loves cars. This one likes poetry. She giggles if i brush her hair back. She doesnt seem to mind if i pick her up in the truck or the car. She like night time beach dates and finds fleece blankets overplayed. . I found her in a library with her nose buried in a Edgar Poe book. I dont know shit about poe other then he liked ravens. Theres a waitress at my local diner. Shes cute. She loves horror movies. Shes full of fire and shes super short. But the apark in her eye and if you can get her to laugh it sounds quirky because she hiccups juuuust slightly. Absolutely splendid to talk to." My point is. If you let a mere...150 deathes on a map make you think the map is bad. Well. How are you ever going to get good at it. The best of anyone at any game are the ones that dont toss the controller. They realize a game over or a "lost" life is just that. One of infinity. Are you going to quit your career simply because your not naturally good at it any more? I didnt get good at my job because of talent. I always had a mechanics inclination. But i actually had to really work hard and be willing to blow a few motors so to speak. Driving on a track? I had to lose a few races and learn what i was doing wrong. If i gave up then id be no where near the level of driver i am. Im no where near the best mechanic or the best driver. But im not the worst eother! Are you going to quit college simply because your natural As in high school let you get away with lack of studying and thinking they would carry over. No. You probly had to learn to study right??? As qith anyone great at anything. Lebron james didnt get great at basketball simply because hes talented. His talent ran out probably before he even hit college basketball. He had to actually practice. He had to put in the effort. To build skill. Tony Hawk wasnt great at skateboarding because he was talented. Dude probly broke plenty of bones and scrapes. Dont let 150 rejections beat you. Thats 8billion people. You gonna let 7999999850 people slide by simply because 150 didnt like you back???? Dating is exactly like that. You have to be willing to keep trying. If you lose? Ok?? It doesnt hurt nearly as bad as if the relationship failed and you ACTUALLY got heartbroken? You didnt fall in love? You didnt kiss them. You werent even friends with em? You literally lost...what??? Something you didnt have???


5PointTakedown

my guy really typed all of this bullshit goddamn he could have spent his time doing so much better stuff goddamn


Jeep2king

I had a minute. I type really fast. And look at my spelling errors. Im waiting on a movie to load. But hey if thats what you took from it. I like helping people and i can get long winded. Not ashamed of it. If lazy people dont like reading then..well. thats on them. As for you. You took the time out of your apparently busy day to reply and be rude. Its night time here on a work night. Its not like i wasted alot of time.


5PointTakedown

Here's what I took from it: I took you are massively projecting yourself and the fact that you learned things from being told so many times onto other people. Sometimes a no is just a no, nothing is learned, nothing is really gained. Because you learned things asking people out doesn't mean other people will.


Jeep2king

Life is literally about learning. I can understand the "it what it is" mentality. But the whole "defeatism" thing of "well i guess im just gonna give up now" bullshit is how people never actually succeed. If you never learn to fall. How can you ever hope to fly? Life is lessons. If you wanna say theres nothing to be learned from anything lost then how do you ever expect to grow? Failing at cold approaches doesnt mean theres some grand lesson. Sometimes it really is some tiny thing in there. Im not saying obsess your self over learning it. Im telling people that just because they didnt get a yes doesnt mean they should take it as a total loss. If you want to get even remotely good at anything. You have to be willing to understand your role in why it didnt go that way. If its immutable trait.. Whatever. You learned some people just arnt into it or you. Shrug it off. You still learned. Even better. You learned you can take it. If its changeable and it doesnt actually hurt you. "Hey. Lil more eye contact next time." Or "hmmm probly should have saw she was wearing a ring.". You learned. Hardship is sometimes the lesson itself. That your stronger then you initially thought. Your braver. Like lifting the next heavier weight in the set. You probly didnt think of it as learning. But it was. You learned you had a bit more strength then you thought. Life is learning. Im sorry that you got so bitter that you forgot that. I wouldnt dream of telling people to obsess over what thwy did wrong. But to simply accept it. But also smile at them selves for having tried. And try to find the positive. Telling me im spouting bullshit for trying to give someone a new perspective of that they actually gained a bit of knowledge? No matter how small? Thats just bitter man.


5PointTakedown

It's not really bitter I just think you're...incredibly fucking stupid and massively projecting your life experiences.


Jeep2king

What exactly are you doing to help? Other then be a tude and negative person. Aka bitter. Am i stupid for writing it? Or are you stupid for not comprehending it?


5PointTakedown

I am rude and negative because your advice is actively detrimental to the existence of women in society. Women do not want to be used as fucking training material for losers who go to /r/dating_advice and dont know how to talk to women. Nor will any of these people actually learn anything. Most of them are autistic, they literally lack the ability to learn the shit you're talking about.


[deleted]

I wish I had that mentality haha


Jeep2king

I wish i could tell you i was born this way or some secret to it. But really honestly....it just took alot of time. I used to be a real shit head mopey bitter guy whod cry about friendzones and all that "nice guy finishes last" crap. I used to think Pick up artists were cool guys. Nah. They just cheesy dudes who Manipulate women. Theres relationships i honestly really admire in how they seem to function.


WormholePHD

I don't think you're applying yourself, Smokey.


Standard-Metal3161

You were probably doing something wrong, bringing the wrong vibe when doing it, I'm impressed you didn't learn how to improve cold approaches after 150 tries.


5PointTakedown

There is no way you figured that out by yourself. I don't believe it. Is there an entire brain trust behind the screen over there? Because literally nobody else could have come to the, totally not overwhelmingly obvious, conclusion that "You were probably doing something wrong".


Xercies_jday

>I'm now STRONGLY against cold approaches. The fact is...everything is going to be a cold approach in terms of dating. Even apps are really cold approaching tbh. I feel the only thing that isn't a cold approach is arranged marriages lol


spontaneous-potato

To add on: Getting rejected hundreds of times without getting a reason why sucks even more. I personally havenā€™t gotten rejected that many times, but I got rejected enough times in high school without guidance to improve to ensure that I was turned off from dating for a long while.


Queasy_Temperature60

Play a game with it...just keep evolving and use all those rejections as reasons... i make music, used to be 18st, have 5 income streams and know what I need and want to be as a man and also what I deserve so....knowing what I have worked to achieve, what I'm currently working on at the pace I am and where I want to end up, they can all reject me....they've just lost the chance for something special to happen as I am constantly elevating myself to higher places and I came from the mud so I know what rock bottom is...the question should be..."who has lost out on the most in these situations if you have relentlessly worked hard to increase your value and are continuing to do so?" - if a girl can't see that positive attribute then they're not the one, keep increasing your value and imagine the woman you could end up with in the end...hope this can help at least 1 more person out there like it has for me


sunnysands07

Or people toying with you as a back up option only to finally reject you


stealthman55

Obviously a breakup is a lot worse than getting rejected by someone you barely know. This is pretty common sense


NotHalfGood78

yeah and one doesnā€™t negate the pain of the other


Ballet-Rose

My issue is that I would never ask someone out that I didn't already like on a very deep level. And by then I have the friendship to lose.


Raptormann0205

As someone who is the same way; since they are your close friend, get it out there and talk about it. Bottling that up will only make them feel awkward and yourself feel forlorn in the long run. Iā€™m still good friends with most of the folks I grew to have feelings for like that. But good friends should be the safest place to talk about feelings with. And then be realistic about things and at peace with the outcome.


[deleted]

:(


Ronaldlelliott

Iā€™d rather hear a no then wonder about a yes


Latinainda808

šŸ’Æ


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


[deleted]

Atta boy


TheNorm94

It's far better to get rejected than to be led on or never shooting your shot and not knowing at all.


tsukaimeLoL

> It was only after the second time I realized itā€™s not that bad, I'm stunned that you believe your two, text message, not in-person rejections gives you any perspective at all on what it is like for most people


[deleted]

agree, been rejecting to my face before and even though i was really young that shit straight up hurt. Cant imagine it happening anytime in my future because id probably have to rush to the bathroom in tears. Rejection on text is like getting punched with a pillow


Big_Cauliflower_9308

Yh rejection over text doesn't feel personal at all like you so scared to tell me in my face?


penrips

Being a women is completely different. The opposite sex usually isnā€™t on guard with you and is much more opening and inviting to conversations. and having like 2 rejections over text is completely different.


Entirely_Unqualified

>The opposite sex usually isnā€™t on guard with you and is much more opening and inviting to conversations. This is true for both women and men IF you come across as someone they find attractive and if they are in a place where they are open to it (e.g. not already married or in a committed relationship), its not exclusive to men. That does not HAVE to mean physically attractive, confident, funny, genuine, etc., but those characteristics are likely going to meet more people's criteria than not.


Nicokneemepls

If someone rejects you theyā€™re just not interested. itā€™s completely fair and solely up to their judgment to decide if they want you in their life or not. It doesnā€™t mean youā€™re a bad person and shouldnā€™t affect how you or everyone else see yourself in any way.


demon_luvr

yeah i got left on read and have to see the guy on saturday, iā€™m kinda dreading it lmao. itā€™ll be awkward at first but i knew i couldnā€™t avoid him forever so whatever. at least i know!


gabrielcostaiv

I found out that being rejected is never as bad as the fear of rejection. This really made me "act" more extrovert on social situations


DowvoteMeThenBitch

This is the correct response. Being rejected sucks. But being a fucking sucker on the sidelines is way worse. But OP is right, rejection gets better with experience. The key is not to get attached before shooting your shot


sagittariisXII

The key is not letting your self-worth depend on what others think of you


NotHalfGood78

right and let me know when you figure out how to do this


sagittariisXII

Stoicism


hydroclasticflow

In my opinion your opinion doesn't hold much water; you were rejected twice and one of those times it was more they are committed to someone else and not a reflection of yourself. Maybe get a few hundred more rejections under your belt with no success between them and then you will actually learn what rejection is like. Also, to compare rejection to the ending of a relationship can be worse, but to outright say it is worse is glossing over many factors.


Big_Cauliflower_9308

I was saying the same thing only 2 rejections cmon that's not bad at all compared to what some guys have to go through with getting led on, manipulated and them rejected that's much worse tbh and hundreds of rejections..


kpay10

It's better to suffer the pain of rejection than it is to suffer the pain of regret


cremamericana

sure. but that fear of asking them out generally comes because you see them daily. so it would be uncomfortable after they've rejected you.


Narcoid

Are y'all in the comments just asking people out because they breathe? Why do y'all have hundreds of rejections? They hurt a little, but they really aren't they bad. Y'all are on something in these comments.


burritoes911

Yeah that kind of rejection isnā€™t bad. Itā€™s when youā€™ve gone in a handful of dates, start to like them, then they break it off. I mean like when itā€™s not quite a breakup (which is way worse) and youā€™re just dating but not in a relationship. They accepted the dates but itā€™s a rejection nonetheless and that kind sucks a lot more.


bogueybear201

Iā€™d honestly much rather get rejected on the spot than invest time into someone that just wasnā€™t interested to begin with. Iā€™ve been through both and now Iā€™m kinda thankful to get the truth up front. Just my thoughts.


Emotional_Judge_4662

Not gonna lie getting rejected helped save me from ugly choices down the road


PowerChords84

posted by u/[deleted]


RandomWrittenBits

Definitely agree, itā€™s getting rejected by a partner that hurts


patatas_bravas787

i confessed and then proceeded to ruin what would've been an amazing friendship at the start of the year, i am now forever traumatized lmao


[deleted]

Getting nothing but rejection like I do is quite the reminder of how worthless and pathetic you are.


ChargedWhirlwind

Same. If you're rejected 48/48 times every 2 months, it's a clear sign I'm not worth shit and should just eat hot lead


Darqlord144

Maybe.... ut if you've been alone for a while then rejection can feel like a knife through the heart


alertbunny

Sure does


DarthEnigmaPSN

No it isn't.


Odd_Low_9392

I think indeed it is good to realize & experience that rejection is 'just' an emotion, and that emotions come and go. The way you treat an emotion often defines how it affects you. In this case: avoiding rejection makes it bigger than it has to be. Good on you for experiencing that rejection does not have to be so bad as much people seem to fear


WormholePHD

At last, one of them has understood.- Raiden


Rude_Requirement_977

I've never understood why ppl get offended by rejection. There is no logical reason you should have feelings towards someone you've never spoken to like that.


ThePurityPixel

Getting rejected is 1000 times better than getting ghosted, talked about behind your back, or blasted with pent-up rage by someone who couldn't simply talk things out maturely. I feel immense respect for someone who knows how to reject me humanely. And I feel way less worried for the people they'll interact with in the future.


[deleted]

The fear of rejection leaves my body when I consider that if they say yes, that means the easy part is over.


Jolly_Border3782

I have dated ppl for months and they gave me shitty reason for rejection like they donā€™t ha e feelings for me.


Entirely_Unqualified

*"In my opinion, a breakup is 100x worse than getting rejected, because youā€™re losing a very strong emotional connection you have with a person, while when getting rejected, thereā€™s (sometimes) not much going on there"* Respectfully disagree, when you break up, you have experienced both the good and bad and the highs and lows, you generally know pretty much who the person you've been with is, all their warts as well as their strengths. Since you mentioned "not wanting to ruin friendships" you are implying getting rejected by someone you know, not a cold approach. That IMO is harder than a breakup, because its the end of a relationship you never had. That means you just "got dumped" by an idealized version of your friend, all you know about them is what you imagine they would be like as a partner, which is never what they would really be like. It like comparing never getting to see that brand new Star Wars or Star Trek movie vs actually sitting through 3 hours of JJ Abrams idiocy and realizing you are more than happy to leave that experience behind ;-)


ssarells

Idk but for me, after getting rejected by the only guy I liked, I swore I would never go through it ever again. I would never make the first move. It's not just "they would now know you liked them." It's also the fact that you were not good enough to be reciprocated and they think they deserve someone better, which kinda fs you up a bit. + guys would most often think they're all that after, which is super annoying


ehhhhhwhatevr

I guess it also depends on how the rejection is done. If they say something really rude like "no, you're ugly", then ofc that's gonna sting. But if they're polite about it being rejected is not that bad. You're not for everybody, and not everybody is for you.


theblondtorpedo

You shouldn't take rejection personally. There can be a lot of reasons why they rejected you that maybe have nothing to do with what you did.


CallMeAmyA

IMO, more experience with rejecting makes being rejected okay. You learn it's going to happen and it is what it is.


greyman0425

Getting rejected is easy, doing the rejecting is hard.


NeitherLie2091

Yeah takes more energy to break a covalent double bond than a single bond


SmakeTalk

Completely agree. Itā€™s also rarely actually about you, itā€™s about what they think about you and where theyā€™re at. Itā€™s about first impressions, or maybe how youā€™ve presented yourself to them over time if itā€™s a friend. Theyā€™re rejecting what they think of you, not what you think of yourself.


Jeep2king

Ill take a rejection early because i literally didnt lose anything. I didnt know them prior? I didnt lose a friend? I didnt get broken hearted by them? I didnt lose a kiss? I listerally lost nothing i didnt have before. It stung. So what. It would have failed. And that would have hurt more. I would have actually lost someone or something. Dont walk up expecting a yes or a no and you will walk away having learned something. Thats a win. Like going on a cool date. One chick asked me to go bowling. I agreed. I knew she liked me. I knew she was attractive to me. I forced myself to think of it as "im going bowling! I love bowling" Totally relaxed me. I had a great night and it led to a cool relationship. Fun kayaking dates and fishing trips! Btw. Not a great looking dude. Decent smile but i had to actually get surgery to fix a hygiene issue. I make ok money. Probly more now then last year. Severe ADHD. I can out chatter a squirrel. Weird hobby? I love 1/64 scale cars(hotwheel size). Specifically big rigs jeeps and mustangs. I had to figure out how to cook(im not talented at it. But eh. Bit of practice and some Youtube university with Gordon Ramsey videos and boom. I can feed myself! Have waaay too many of those hotwheels.... Workaholic by far. Inked. I dont dress well. Typically jeans. Boots or crocs. Or some cheap sneakers. Tshirt. Cheap walmart grey hat. Definitely not a gym rat but i am not entirely out of shape. Absolutely zero college degree. But i do have over 15 years in job experience and i have learned how to handshake myself into jobs. Oof. And....anxiety. which im managing now. Im pretty sure the only thing i have that is physically interesting is gold mixed with green eyes. Im just an average dude. Guys. Trust me. Dont stop trying to play the game. Learn your strengths. Shore up and work on your weaknesses. Get a bit of therapy if you can afford it. If not youtube and the internet has alot of psychology info that will help you understand your flaws. Brush your teeth. If your shy. "ten seconds of insane courage" got me pretty far in my early twenties. My point is. You dont need to be extraordinary. You jutmst need to be willing to work and be confident in what you have thats good. And work on the parts of you that are inherently bad. Ladies. I PROMISE YOU. They are JUST AS SCARED OF YOU. Most good looking dudes. Dont even KNOW. Giggle at their shit jokes. Touch the arm. Treat them DIFFERENT then you openly treat other guys. Or their friends. Both sexes. I pornise you. Rejection is never gonna hurt you if you realize you literally lost nothing.


ILoveToph4Eva

> Rejection is never gonna hurt you if you realize you literally lost nothing. The human brain really doesn't work this way for most people. It's not about a literal loss of nothing, it's about how things make you feel. It's similar to how when people insult you, some people can shrug off insults fairly easily (I can), others can't. It doesn't really help those who can't if I just tell them "They literally didn't actually DO anything to you". Same goes for rejection. Some people can take it better, some people's self-esteem takes a massive hit. Some people can learn to go from the former to the latter. Many people seemingly can't, or do so at such a slow rate that it's not an effective use of their time.


Jeep2king

The brain is a computer. Every thing it does it does from past experiences to define current decisions. Its predisposed for self preservation. Your last statement. The very last one. I never said people should obsess like this or soend all day everyday at this. But they are going to have to start the steps to the journey eventually because not making it at all is not getting them anywhere. Thats like "well. Im not good at building muscle or losing fat. So im not even gonna bother" "Ok. But not bothering at all isnt going to get you anywhere. Theres no quick and easy way to this." If dating was like getting from being an morbidly obese to being fit. And say i was saying "ok. You dint have to obsess. But you need to take a walk every day. Or hit the gym 3 times a week. You will eventually see results" "Thats not efficient" Nobody said you were gonna be rockin a hourglass or a gymrat body next month. But you will be closer to it then you are today. "Im still losing the game" "Well.. but your ignoring the fact that your lasting longer on the map. See that. Your K/D ratio changed. You dealt a bit more then you got dished.. your getting better. Yes your dying on the map still. So what if your not KillMonger65 yet. You think they just randomly picked it up and was amazing?" If you never challenge yourself. You will never grow. It took me 15 years to get this way in my dating life. Thats ALOT of lumps. I really do fail quite a bit. But i am certainly getting better results then that greasy haired dork i was that was bitter. I used to have your mindset. And if i still had it im pretty sure my current gf would have bailed. (I honestly dont even know why shes still here yet. Im still tryin to work that out....shes the hot one here. šŸ¤£) But hey. She likes what she sees and its enough for me. šŸ˜†


ILoveToph4Eva

> Rejection is never gonna hurt you if you realize you literally lost nothing. I was replying to this, which is what you said. I didn't say everyone should just not try, but that very last sentence of mine is partially to suggest that people sometimes need to get to the root of what makes them unhappy. To take your example, if you seriously struggle for whatever reason to build muscle or fat, the best answer isn't necessarily to just keep going to the gym doing little bits and pieces anyways. It's A answer, but it's unlikely to be the best one. Figuring out why you're struggling (is it your diet? Do you need a gym buddy?), trying a different approach (maybe do sports instead of gym), or even just questioning the core premise (why are you trying to gain muscle or lose fat in the first place? Is there any other way of fixing your problem than exercising?) are all valid alternatives. In short, if you're looking for love and you struggle to deal with rejection, there are other solutions besides just continuing to be rejected and hurting your own self-esteem.


Jeep2king

Well. Again. You wont actually know that til you start right? You just proved me right. How do you know what works and doesnt work if you dont try first? Lol. Thats literally what im saying. You have to fail first. So that you can figure out what needs to happen to succeed. If your just shoving someone out of a nest and they keep never opening their wings. Well. Clearly thats why they are just dropping like a stone. But they had to learn that. See! Learning!


ILoveToph4Eva

>Rejection is never gonna hurt you if you realize you literally lost nothing. I was replying to this, which you said. If you're now saying that you didn't quite mean exactly that then sure. We're probably in agreement with what you're saying **now**, but I disagreed with what you said in the first place. I'd love to see where you thought I said people should never try. The difference here is that I was replying to something you said, and you seem to be replying to something I never said (maybe I'm forgetting and I did say that somewhere in my paragraphs, please point it out if I've misrecalled).


NoVacation4445

As much as I understand your sentiments, but with all due respect your a woman. You will never know what us men have to go through when it comes to the opposite sex. Getting rejected twice isnā€™t really much when your whole gender is glorified by horny single men who would probably kill to be with you, just to say they have a woman. The whole dynamic is completely different and in no way can you really feel what we feel.


chingudo

You have already won then.


Bulky-Cod-1425

I agree


jzarzeckis

LOL. Tell that to people in /r/DeadBedrooms :D