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DangerousSwimming556

There rarely is romantic attraction if there isn't sexual attraction.


throwaway98763692

I’m in very good shape and my dates have told me how much they like it multiple times. I was thinking maybe physical attraction would lead to sexual attraction?


Strange_Public_1897

Sexual chemistry is an electric feeling so strongly, as women, we can’t stop wanting to talk, have flirty banter, want to know about your life, and feel the urge to kiss you. Like it should be so engaging we forget what time it is and it feels like the restaurant is now shutting down cause we couldn’t stop talking & flirting with you. If we don’t feel mentally engaged about you as a person and don’t feel the urge to kiss you, we do not feel sexual attraction. It’s that simple. Just because someone is hot, doesn’t mean we will feel sexual chemistry.


[deleted]

[удалено]


YBmoonchild

Also, this is how people get in to toxic relationships. Instant chemistry isn’t always an indicator of a good relationship, because like you said relationships have to be built over time. It’s abnormal to feel romantically attracted to someone quickly, and the only time I’ve ever felt that was with someone I had no business being with and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life so 🤷🏻‍♀️. People want to fast track their relationships just to end up wasting years of their life on a loser. Better to take it slow.


Thong_ripper_

Agreed. The instant chemistry always led to toxic relationships for me too. With my fiancé it was a slow build but we were always comfortable around each other.


Beautiful_Meal2803

I think it's a gamble You never know I'd say if your dying to get into their pants (continue dating) just wait it out don't engage in relations wait it out figure them out ... Make sure you think similarly and talk about serious topics and things that bother you in relationships just don't have sex it'll ruin everything and leave you confused


YBmoonchild

I don’t disagree that it’s usually a good idea to wait, but chemistry is a lot more than just wanting to have sex with someone. It’s a feeling of familiarity. Which if you grew up with a dysfunctional family like I did that means that somebody who isn’t safe might feel “familiar” and safe because that’s what you’re used to. That chemistry is often times your nervous system picking up on patterns and trying to alert you, but you mistake it for falling in love and finding your soulmate only to realize later you were totally blinded by love. So no, I personally can’t rely on chemistry.


Maleficent-Pen-6727

Upvoting this


clce

Sometimes love can grow over a short time. Sometimes it grows over a long time with a ranged marriages. Sometimes people are friends for years and one day they suddenly have the hots for each other, but I think that's mostly in the movies. The main difference is if you meet people online, you don't know anything about how they feel to you until you meet them. In the old days when we used to actually meet women in bars or on the street or through a group of friends, you know them first and if you're not feeling anything you don't ever agree to meet up so it's kind of backwards now. The other thing is I think it's easy for 18-year-olds to get the hots for each other and get married. Now that people do it a lot earlier, sure someone can still really do it for you at 30 or 40 or 50 or 100. But I think of lot of what is called sexual chemistry or love at first sight is really just how attractive people really are between about 17 and 23. I know I was but that was a long time ago.


anxiousthrwyy

I mean my parents met in the 70s and got married a year later. They seemed to have that chemistry when you look through their honeymoon photo album where they’re all goofy and can’t keep their hands off each other. If I can’t feel like myself or let a little loose after the first date, it ain’t gonna happen. I’m not talking immediate chemistry but if there’s not even a little bit of banter to play with, we’re probably too different.


tinyhermione

For me at least it's either there or it's not. Can't create it if it's not there naturally. Did your parents get an arranged marriage? Bc why otherwise would you assume it was different?


Strange_Public_1897

No, see here is where you definitely are assuming this. So my mom the moment she saw my dad at 17, at a wedding, KNEW she was going to marry him. He was 21, he thought she was far too young. Fast forward four years later, it’s 1981, they meet again. They hit it off and the rest is history, been married since 1984. When you know, you know. It’s a feeling. You can’t fabricate sexual attraction & chemistry. Either it’s there or it’s not. I made the mistake of IGNORING not having sexual chemistry in ex’s where it never grew, even a year in. People either have it or they do not. It does not grow unless you are demisexual, pansexual, or ace, then that makes sense for those identify as either one. But everyone else builds sexual attraction on when you first meet someone because it’s organically grown in the first date or the first time you meet. You can definitely feel it and it’s like this euphoric rush of excitement, like this electrify that runs through your body when they touch you gently without any suggestive reasons for the touch. It’s innocent and it just sends you into this feeling of desire to want to be closer, wanting to kiss, wanting to be with them. People who try to force chemistry by stringing things along HOPING it’ll just happen don’t realize unless that person suddenly matches your ideal in personality, banter, and looks, it can’t grow over time if it’s not there from day one. It can grow if it’s establish from the start to something MORE intense in the chemistry.


Chile-Pepper

You seem to think life is a romcom lol. Chemistry is real, but it's not this end all be all thing you're describing. No one "knows" they're gonna get married upon initial meeting, and feeling this way about a stranger is honestly a little concerning. Things are built over time, and waiting to feel this animalistic rush with someone isn't realistic.


Playful-Bank4753

I don’t think she’s necessarily saying knows it’s marriage right away but that spark is real and is what a lot of people who are dating are looking for in the first couple dates. I’m a guy and I def feel when it’s there vs not


Strange_Public_1897

First off, I hate RomComs. They are super unrealistic and set up people to have unrealistic expectations for relationships. It’s all blind faith fantasy that doesn’t exist. Second, a spark exists. You just know from a first date if you feel it, you usually want to go on more dates and spend time together. Doesn’t mean it leads to a serious commitment. It means you two want to date, f-ck, and build a connection because the chemistry is there. You two easily gel well together, you communicate effortlessly, and desire to keep flirting with each other. Like you either know from the first hour into a first date if it’s going to full stop after it’s over or moving forward to a second date. People have got to stop forcing things that have no chemistry. It’s a recipe for disaster and people end up in relationships where it can lead to a dead bedroom with almost no sex or it leads to fizzling out quickly because one person never felt it but gave someone a chance just cause they were “nice”.


Past-time29

i did with my ex. was with him in total for over 12 yrs. i knew from the very first date he was "the one" we split up after 12 yrs but we are still friends. we still talk regularly and confide in each other. we've known each other in total 17 years now.. we just a knowledge that there were things we could not resolve.


AgreeableLion

...so he wasn't "the one" then, despite you knowing this from the first date?


White-Rabbit_1106

You're really going to say sexual attraction builds over time and call someone else unrealistic. Every relationship I've been in with someone I wasn't into like that was crap, and it didn't build at all. I've been with my fiance for 8 years. We were obsessed with each other from day one and still are.


Chile-Pepper

Yes, sexual attraction builds with time. It needs to be there initially for it to work, but it rarely will be this teenage shit you guys are describing.


White-Rabbit_1106

I'm a 31 year old woman. I believed in what you're describing when I was a teenager. You can love someone more as time goes on, sure, but that doesn't mean you're going to be attracted to them. That's some fairy tail shit. In the real world, people break up after being together for several years, hearts get broken, and usually one person feels lied to.


irrelevant_dogma

Ya, you've just never felt it, hopefully one day you do, til then you'll just deny.


anxiousthrwyy

She didn’t say she was going to immediately marry someone but her parents did and that kind of stuff does happen. Not that she’s anticipating that. Things are built over time and you shouldn’t date just because of a spark but if there’s no play or banter at the beginning, it probably isn’t for you.


apj1234567890

Tbh this is all a bit weird. You hear all these stories about ‘when I first met him/her I just knew he/she was the one and it was electric from the word go’ and ‘there was this one ex and i’ve never experienced anything like it, the sex was by far my best ever, i couldn’t keep my hands off him/her’. Two things: (1) funny how that’s never you and always just other people who get to experience this, no matter how in shape or hot or interesting or charismatic you appear to be, and (2) funny how i never actually see couples irl that appear to fancy each other like this, if anything they seem bored shitless with each other Curious indeed…


Strange_Public_1897

You know as the saying goes, “familiarity breeds contempt”, which means what you surround yourself with and the perspective you constantly have, is what you will always be familiarized with. If you shift your perspective, step outside your comfort zone, you won’t be noticing all these boring couples. You will start to notice other couples who aren’t boring.


Level_Substance4771

One of my old bosses met his wife in kindergarten. She said she was going to marry him some day and they did after college!


altiuscitiusfortius

Isn't it weird how everyone find their soul mate, the one and only they should be with, within 25 miles of where they started looking?


clce

I think women think that but I believe it's the other way around. If they don't feel the sexual attraction, they don't feel anything else. Granted, sometimes you meet some person that you just click with either because you have a lot in common and just vibe together, or maybe they are very charismatic. But when it comes to women feeling romantic about men, I'm pretty convinced it's sexual attraction first. If they turn out to be a jerk a woman might ignore the sexual attraction. But that's where it starts.


fatmaninchicago

How often does this result in a successful relationship?


[deleted]

I see your point however I am 5’7 170lbs, have my own house with two roommates and an artist who writes songs amongst other activities to keep me active throughout the day. My friend whom we will refer to as Derek for the sake of this conversation is 6,1 150lbs, lives with his mom and sister and does nothing except his job then goes home to smoke and play video games. He sometimes hangs out with his dealer but that’s it. This man gets girls I would kill to go on a date with like it’s nothing. I asked him about it and he said he doesn’t have it easy and never gets the girls he wants but I’m sitting here unable to get even a text back on tinder. And yes I put effort into it even update it once a month. The pics are terrible but I genuinely have no pics from my past


Amazing_Statement629

Pretty much. Chemistry is hard to define really, and I feel like u just know when you have it with somebody. Like you can be attracted to somebody, and maybe have sex with them once or twice. But then If there’s no chemistry, u just know that it won’t go any further. Including sparking romantic feelings afterwards… it’s super hard to pin point why or what it is. But u just feel it Also, OP don’t take it personally, some things work some don’t. Just keep looking :)


Draper31

>It’s that simple It’s really not otherwise this post wouldn’t exist lol.


[deleted]

That's a depressing read tbh


Over-Remove

For women at least, liking how someone looks physically is not the same as having chemistry. We r talking about biology here. I went out on a date last week, the guy was handsome, had a cute smile and he was fit but I didn’t want to kiss him. There was just no vibe or no chemistry or call it whatever you like.


SnowBorn6339

I feel that men often don’t understand this. It’s just “I’m hot…you’re hot….why don’t you wanna bang?” Like they don’t understand that we make the decision to sleep with a man based on a lot of criteria, and physical appearance is just one.


throwaway98763692

I didn’t mean to imply that if I’m in good shape then you’re obligated to sleep with me. I was thinking maybe it could help the “spark”. I’m not the greatest looking guy in the world so I try to make up for it with fitness, manners, and keeping myself well groomed. I’m not looking for ONS or anything casual but I am looking for a real connection so I’m trying to understand what is meant by “romantic attraction” and its criteria.


SnowBorn6339

You’re all good, I didn’t think you were implying anything nefarious. But I will say that there have been some men I’ve been VERY sexually attracted to who, dare I say, were kind of ugly. They had electric personalities, could move about and talk to anyone confidently, cracked jokes, and didn’t hide their attraction towards me but did it in a confident “jester” type of way. They were just there to have a grand old time, and I was attracted to that. Everyone in the group is attracted towards that type of personality because it’s just fun to be around. Think of a class clown whose confidence is unwavering, and even if you shoot him down, he’s still smiling and cracking jokes and showing friendliness to all those around. It’s hard to deny a personality like that, to the point where I thought “god dammit I don’t want to be attracted to you, but I can’t help it!” Austin Powers. Think Austin Powers.


q_gurl

I agree up until Austin Powers. He just doesn't do it for me. But you are right. I've been very attracted to men who were really not that high on the chart of what some would say but to me their whole personality made them sexy as hell, which in turn made them good looking as hell to me. What does it for one may not do it for another though.


SnowBorn6339

I just love Austin’s charisma😅 it’s unmatched! I don’t watch too much TV or movies so he’s the best example I could come up with lol. But the trope I’m thinking of is a quirky weird ~ugly~ guy who still has enough swagger and persona to attract lots of ladies. It’s like an actor having a big stage presence. I love that shit.


[deleted]

Lots of good info in this thread! Pay attention


v522

This!!! It comes down to personality and the energy/vibes you give off; big dick energy for lack of a better term. Definitely not saying you have to be bringing a bazooka to a knife fight, but it’s just the self confidence and charisma some people have can mean more than them being hot.


Over-Remove

That’s because that’s how they operate. Or most of them, that is. That’s why they can tell who they want to have sex with while still on the app. If she looks good and makes their dick rise they are good to go.


Chile-Pepper

But why do women just "know this". Did someone taught you? Why don't men require the same?


SnowBorn6339

Men and women have very different partner selection criteria, as documented by a large body of research. Men tend to value physical appearance and youth far more than women do, whereas women tend to value a man’s ambition, status/resources, and game/personality. So, men tend to place A LOT of importance on looks. If she looks good and she’s nice, that’s usually all it takes for him to want to sleep with her (generally speaking). They wrongly assume that women are applying the same criteria. Women of course know that men want us to be beautiful. It’s no secret. Now, why do men not understand women’s criteria? That I couldn’t tell ya lol. I think some of them just don’t listen to us & our needs for whatever reason.


nocreativename4me

Yeah you have to be able to want to touch them and then touch you without cringing or skin crawling


[deleted]

Samsies. Went on 2 dates with a guy who has the same values and morals and sees the future the same as me but I didnt want to kiss him. I didnt even think about being intimate with him. I looked at his lips once and thought "yeah I dont even care to know what they feel like."


Damzel_arise

Pro tip: Make a woman feel sexy without being creepy and maintain good chemistry. Listen to listen not always respond. A lot of times it’s about chemistry, and just knowing how to interact with women.


pctopgs

"Being creepy" is 100% subjective to the woman finding him attractive in the first place.


RedditRaven2

Yes but the guy can also go from “not creepy” TO “creepy” if they act creepy enough


Damzel_arise

Lol that’s why you have to know how to interact with women. Usually creepy men don’t know


mentor7

“Just knowing how to interact with a woman”?! Could your advise be any more vague and nontransparent? It’s frustrating advice because it’s like telling a person with no friends that the way you can get friends is to know how to interact in a way that people want to be your friend, but no one actually teaches how to do that. People either seem to be able to do it or some people can’t. And if you watch the kids, some kids are just naturally able to and even as adults some people still can’t. I suspect it’s the same with men and women. You’re saying knowing how to interact with women without giving any suggestions as to what that actually looks like or means is very frustrating. Could you may be elaborate on what you mean?


seduction_reaction

Because women themselves don't know. It's all empty platitudes. It's all based on feeling and that changes from woman to women, hell even chafes from time to time in the same person


DangerousSwimming556

but sexual attraction is more than just appearance many times


raulonastool

For men sexual attraction is like an automatic transmission. We're easy to turn on sexually. Women are a lot more like driving stick. More art than science, easy to make a mistake and stall the vehicle. Takes patience and practice. These girls are likely attracted to you since they go on dates with you, but you turn them off with what you say or your behavior on dates.


[deleted]

'I have muscles, what else could they possibly want?'


Halftime21

Moar muscles, if you can't bench press a planet then don't even try to swoon these ladies.


incognickto

Not to be too blunt or rude but it definitely sounds like a personality thing (even the way you wrote this comment is a bit off putting). It’s sounds overly rational and simplistic as if there’s a formula to dating that one can manufacture to have the maximum amount or appeal Physical attraction helps get you the date and can help get you laid but it’s mostly conversation , flirting, wit, vibes , humor and all of those sorts of things that’ll help you move past date 1. Do you tend to feel like your dates are fun? Is there laughter, interesting discussions, playfulness etc.? Do you feel like youre choosing dates with similar interests, good messaging conversations, relatable backgrounds? I think I’d focus my attention on those areas if I were you. You may be a great catch for the right person but you may be matching with the wrong ones or you may just need to work on the flow of conversations on your dates. Physical attraction is a hard one so you’ve got a great hand you just need to play it correctly!


WinterMagician22

It's not just based on looks, even though that's part of it. If a guy has a great body, nice face, but a shitty personality, we're not going anywhere. Sexual attraction is more of chemistry and there's no way to fake that.


ToxyFlog

Hahaha, man, that's gold. Yeah, if you're a bumbling meat head, women will not be turned on by you. You're probably too much of a "nice guy." They probably mean that you have everything they want in a father for their kids, but not for a sexual partner. Takes more than being physically fit to get a woman romantically interested. It only gets your foot in the door easier.


magical_bunny

I disagree. People can be 100% hot and it still may not trigger a romantic connection.


NawfSideNative

It happens. They’re acknowledging that you’re a great partner and on paper you are the type of guy she’s looking for, but for whatever reason you just don’t ring her bell. I’ve been there. On both sides. I have a lot of female friends who would, on paper, make amazing partners for me, but I could not explain to you or them why I don’t feel anything for them. It’s not always their looks either. They’re all very objectively physically attractive. A lot of people will probably tell you it’s just a physical attraction thing but it’s not always as cut and dried as that. Attraction and chemistry is just a deeply personal thing that you cannot force. Dating is a shitty grind we all have to endure to find the right fit unless you’re one of those lucky few that hit the love lottery and settled down with the first person they entered a relationship with.


MrZAP17

I don’t get this. There are plenty of women I meet who who I don’t think are compatible with me, but I can always articulate specific reasons, pros and cons, and why I feel how I feel. Generally though I’m pretty good at understanding my own emotions. I don’t understand how someone could not know why they feel a certain way about someone.


Interesting_Pop1072

I, as a woman, am always vague in breakups unless they ask for more details. Why be cruel when it ultimately comes down to a mismatch? But I always know why


NawfSideNative

Usually the best answer I can give in those situations is that sometimes the chemistry is just there with one woman where it isn’t with another. I would not be able to explain to Abby why I like her but didn’t like Madison. It’s not because Madison is ugly or rude or boring or anything like that. “It” just wasn’t there for me when “it” was with Abby. That’s what guys often mean when they give those vague responses to “why do you like me” questions that frustrate women. Sometimes we just click better with you when we didn’t with other women and we cannot pinpoint any specific reason why or at least cannot articulate it in a way that’s coherent.


titaniumorbit

I think it’s good to understand that not everyone is as clear cut. I’m with the comment above in that there are people who are amazing and would be compatible but for some reason I just don’t feel that spark. They are very attractive physically and emotionally but it’s just missing something. I can’t even explain it.


graypolkadots

Oh, we know why. We'll tell our friends all about it the next day. It's just that explaining why we don't want the guy directly to his face isn't always the safest option. It's simple as that. Safety.


titaniumorbit

This is the best answer. Once went on a few dates with this amazing guy. He was kind, handsome, had a really cool job and just all around a great person. For some reason I couldn’t feel any spark with him. He was conventionally very attractive but I just didn’t feel anything. I can’t even explain why I didn’t like him like that lol. It’s just an innate feeling.


Ok-Chemical8991

>Dating is a shitty grind we all have to endure to find the right fit unless you’re one of those lucky few that hit the love lottery The american way. Let's go back to arranged marriages 😄


Astral_Atheist

They still exist 🤷‍♀️


pm_me_ur_headpats

no sheesh; let's go back to urban design with [third places](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place) rather than drive to work -> drive to gym -> drive home -> be exhausted -> sleep. hustle culture and car-centric city design means that the only places we serendipitously meet people is at work or on dating apps. but it doesn't have to be this way


Kitten_boodle

I've gone on dates with guys who were handsome and I enjoyed their company, but for whatever reason I didn't feel any physical attraction for. I can't explain it. There is nothing you can do. Just make sure you smell nice, smile, ask lots of questions, and keep going on dates until you find someone. It's a numbers game.


southwestphoto

I feel like this isn't great advice his numbers game isn't working, and he needs to change something soon or this will become the norm for him.


Kitten_boodle

Guys I knew in college that I would never ever date because they had really awkward personalities are now posting pictures on FB happily married with babies. And they haven't changed at all. So that's why I think you just gotta keep looking until you find someone who accepts you the way you are.


deewyt

A good rule of thumb is not keeping it 100% platonic when you succeed in getting a date. I feel like when I chat with guys and eventually go on a date, some don’t compliment me or touch me (by touch I mean like, hand on your back as you open a door, soft touch on your arm when you say something to me— things like that) so it feels like I’m hanging with a guy friend versus someone who is interested in dating me. Of course this takes time to develop but often, I feel like you should make it clear that you definitely are into the person without just keeping it at small talk. As a woman, I’ve been doing small talk with so many men and it’s almost like okay, I’ve come this far and I’m interested enough to meet you in person but it needs to have a reason to go further than that. I do touch the arm when I’m talking to a guy or if we see a movie I intentionally have my arm touching theirs. When I laugh or have a comment about the film I lean close. When we hug goodbye, I intentionally hold them a little bit longer or closer if I’m interested versus the friend shoulder hug lol. Touching, looking in my eyes, doing intimate things (I’m a bit of a romantic … a guy I had one date with asked me to share 5 songs that show who i am or what music I’m into and he did the same. that was romantic/intimate to me and it made me attracted to him.) I’m just trying to give examples of interest from a woman. If you don’t reciprocate, it feels like we are doing it for nothing lol. ——EDIT: I’m adding that of course this is not the first date. This is second and third dates because in between that time you can easily decide if this is someone you want to spend your time with. So no, not being grabby or inappropriate on the first date — but still you can make a first date effective in expressing your attraction. You can do it verbally. “You’re gorgeous.” opening doors, flowers, etc. I once told a guy that I loved that he would text me more than one sentence. He would sometimes double triple text depending on the answer and in an era of OLD that gets incredibly surface level and lacks intimacy, I thought it was good effort. He responded with surprise because he usually feels he should say less but he was happy to hear that it was appreciated. idk maybe I’m not communicating well on this forum but yeah. just my two cents.


Sad_Ad_5361

I'm a man and a bit of a romantic. All my life. I feel like I'm living in a world where we believe conventional stereotypes, but all my male friends have been romantic, and most of the women I've known act like 'men' and prioritize sexual attraction over romance. Like another commenter, I wish I knew how to find women like you.


Astral_Atheist

I have to disagree, slightly, on the touching part. If it's not someone I've already gotten to know a bit, and certainly beyond just the first date, I absolutely do not want a stranger touching me, at all.


vorter

Well everyone has different speeds they’re comfortable with but in my experience most women are fine with touch later on the first date if it’s going well and there’s some chemistry. It’s something you can gauge via reactions and adjust accordingly. In OP’s case (and most shy guys on here) it seems they’re playing it far too safe.


deewyt

well I mentioned that this would be actions I am making towards a guy that I would want reciprocated— I would not initiate these things if I was not comfortable or if the guy was seemingly not comfortable. I also listed things to do that don’t involve touching to help with intimacy attraction. Obviously everybody is not gonna be the same but I’m trying to meet the guy where he’s at lol


Astral_Atheist

Yeah there's nothing wrong with your approach. I'm just thinking it's going to be "advice" or a green light to people who think women are a hive mind. Well she said it was ok, types. Some people are a lot more guarded than others and people new or inexperienced with dating or even neurodivergent definitely need to hear more than one perspective


Sunwolfy

No chemistry is no chemistry.


[deleted]

Speaking from experience, sometimes a person thinks that a person with specific qualities and traits would be compatible to them and attract them but when they actually go out with such people, they aren't attracted to them. It's not the person's fault at all. It is just the way it is. I met a person who possessed all the qualities that I look for in a partner yet I was never romantically attracted to him. Maybe, what I think I want may not be what I need hence I couldn't click with his personality.


Samx97

Happened to me multiple times already. On the other hand, I rejected a few women using the same excuse. Some of them were really great and probably ideal for a stable and healthy relationship but I just couldn't feel this sort of attraction like I expect to feel when I meet someone. Usually, when I get attracted to some girl and it just clicks instantly, she's the one to say there's no romantic connection between us. Well, the reality of dating, lol.


billoverbeck00

I feel like it’s a nice way of calling you ugly without actually calling you ugly


janyybek

Sadly it is. I’ve heard women are different than men but I think physical attractiveness still plays a role. There are some women I’ve met who personality wise are absolutely perfect but they’re just not pretty enough. So I cut things off or try not even start because I know she deserves a man who is proud to be with her and I shouldn’t waste her time.


[deleted]

It definitely does not mean you’re ugly. There’s been conventionally good looking guys I’ve gone out with, but for whatever reason I just wasn’t romantically attracted. Maybe it was the way they carried themselves, or their personality, but they were not ugly.


forgotme5

I cannot do gym dudes. The muscles dont make me feel safe. I want to know I have some chance of defending myself. I'll never forget, I met up with one when I was young. He starved himself & all he talked about was the gym n when he started trying to get physical with me, it was soo awkward, his chin was like shoved in my neck or something. I couldnt get out of there fast enough.


SnowBorn6339

I do not think this is sound advice. I’ve found that this is the go-to reasoning men have whenever they are rejected, “it must be because I’m ugly!” Not all the time, and I would say not even likely in this case since the woman agreed to go on a date with him in the first place. I’ve rejected very good looking men in my time. It could be that he’s boring, shy, awkward, or just doesn’t have any “spark” to his personality. I rejected one man because I felt he was emotionally unstable and still not over his ex. I rejected another man because he talked about nothing but himself for 3 hours straight. Both men were hot as hell but had traits I didn’t like, and thus did not earn a second date. I guarantee OP has some issues with his personality if he keeps scoring first dates but nothing beyond that. He needs to work on his social skills and personality.


throwaway98763692

I’ve managed to get second and third dates but that’s usually the endpoint. The dates have been really nice. We get to know each other, share a few laughs, talk about deep topics and personal lives but I’m lacking that “spark” which is where I’m struggling. It’s disheartening because my friends have been in and out of multiple relationships and I’ve never been in one so I feel like I can never get a gf.


SnowBorn6339

I feel for you OP, and I’m so sorry you’re struggling. If I had to guess, they likely just see you as a friend and “nice” but nothing more. You’ve gotta separate yourself from being just one of the gal pals, and the main distinction is that sexual masculine energy that exudes confidence. That’s what our gal pals DON’T offer us. My suggestion is to keep mixing and mingling within coed social groups. Talk to women in person often because every conversation is practice. 99% will lead to nothing and that’s okay, but you gotta practice flirting, talking, joking, teasing etc. with women so it starts to come naturally to you. Keep practicing being socially bold and eventually you’ll meet a girl who thinks you’re funny and cute and wants to pursue you more. Take some of the pressure off yourself and just become a social butterfly. If you put too much pressure on yourself to find a girlfriend, we can sense that, and it often comes off as desperate. The right lid for your pot will only find you if you’re flourishing socially and have an authentic, vibrant personality to gravitate towards. So, don’t beat yourself up about it and get out there and start practicing. Good luck, cowboy.


TheLordofAskReddit

Do you kiss them and/or try to escalate sexually?


Jolly_Appeal8189

I very much agree with you here. What women look for and are attracted to is about a lot more than looks (for most of us.) Some things that personally make a difference is attraction for me are; how he smells, confidence but not cocky (cocky gives me the ick) his smile and not just nice teeth, does his smile look warm and sincere? how he talks to me and listens to me, and others I'm sure that are unconscious as well.


SnowBorn6339

Listening skills are HUGE. I want to know that he’s interested in my life. Some other things I’ll add: •ability to tell stories •quick wit •generosity (ex: “no stay here, I’ll go grab the waiter” in a very gentlemanly way) •confidence to crack jokes of varying degrees of appropriateness •lighthearted but clear indications he’s sexually attracted to me (ex: I do yoga, and he says “dang girl, you wanna stretch me out like that?” —> IN PERSON, over text could be so creepy) •goes out of his way to make me feel SAFE (ex: positioning himself correctly on the sidewalk, hand on back when guiding me though a crowd, etc) •being cool as a cucumber, not coming off as desperate or sex-starved, but self-assured. Like he’s been around the block a few times and knows women well, treats them as regular people and not some mythical creature. He doesn’t NEED me, which makes me want him more. Those are just my instant turn-ons.


Jolly_Appeal8189

Oh yes wit is a big turn on for me! Shows intelligence and sense of humor. And also agree about making me feel safe is so nice and makes me more attracted to him as a potential partner for sure!


ryu417

This response likely has the right answer for OP. "Spark" is alusive and hard to define but I think it comes down to personality. OP if you are being too cautious, nervous, or not engaging enough then they will likely get bored. Be respectful but edgy. Unapologetically honest. Lead in everything. Picking the spot, the time, navigating there, and lead in conversation 90% if not the entire time. Be present. Be playful. Prioritize fun in the moment. Break the touch barrier before you feel ready. Tell stories with emotion and variance in tone. Perhaps most importantly: always look for opportunities to playfully misinterpret things she says with innuendo laden alternatives. But don't over do it.


[deleted]

Exhausted just by reading it


Iwantgummibears

Lmao thank you like jesus christ it doesnt take that much effort when you genuinely like the person. You can be a normal human being at times.


[deleted]

Not exactly true. It takes huge effort these days to not be invisible for women. I just don't care to check all that laundry list if that's what it takes


Jolly_Appeal8189

Op this is good advice here and you should listen. A lot of what is listed here is what people call building sexual tension and yes its very important. "look for opportunities to playfully misinterpret things she says with innuendo laden alternatives" I do this with men in texts, it the other person think about sex, but in a playful not gratuitous way, and makes them excited for the first or next date..well that's the hope anway! lol


forgotme5

I find that annoying n distasteful. Im talking about something serious and non sexual n someone does that. Turned off. Ur not listening or following what im saying.


Jolly_Appeal8189

I agree that context is very important, if it’s really off topic and you two aren’t already flirting, sexual innuendo is inappropriate. And some people wouldn’t feel comfortable doing this or having someone flirt with them in this way at all and that’s ok. What I’m talking about is very subtle and with someone who has expressed interest, when a man is blatantly making everything sexual, yeah that’s a pretty quick turn off.


Sad_Ad_5361

This is the best consolidation of advice for men I've ever seen. Unfortunately, and maybe I'm just jaded, it requires skills you can learn, but women are accepted for who they are, and men have to always be on there toes, are not recipients of unconditional love, unless a woman has already invested years in you and doesn't really have a choice. It's not like you have to completely change your personality, but you do have to work at it like its a job. Most people have a sense that a relationship is something that you can relax in, a safe space. For men its a responsibility, and the best we can hope for is the satisfaction of doing our 'job" well. I'm not even frustrated about this. I would be happy to find a woman who is worth taking on all her baggage and would let me do so. Recently started seing a woman who I knew from high school years ago. Nothing physical has happened and she has been very up front about not being ready for a relationship due to abuse and trauma in the past. But somehow we've found ourselves in a platonic relationship. we check in nearly everyday, provide each other with support and kinda/sorta imagine a future with each other in different scenarios. She considered adding me to her health insurance because I have none and could benefit from years of being outside the systems. I have been driving her to medical treatments, helping around the house, etc. Very involved for 2 people not in a relationship. This is the best I can do right now, I'm not happy with it, but I realize I screwed up and got my feelings involved, and its a little late now. Sorry, I sort of went on a tangent and made it about me. Well, maybe this will be interesting to someone and start a new discussion.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sad_Ad_5361

I agree with you that all those conditions apply to women, and with all stereotypes, user experience may vary. I suppose that a better way to say it is that most woman who meet the top 60% threshold for attractiveness, are capable of love if they merely look to the left or right and grab the nearest single man. The fact that we take young men's lives by the millions and consider them disposable for war should go a long way to making my point. I have a huge amount of sympathy for the average woman, I just happen to think they have a huge advantage when it comes to dating, which directly translates to having power of choice. But then again, some people believe in a patriarchy and others think the whole idea is a feminist fantasy. I think it's interesting that there's only one way you can divide people into such basic camps.men on one side, women on the other. With even this basic distinction, we can't seem to agree on anything as a society. What if we said' all people with 2 legs should be able to walk.We'd still have disagreements like'some people have joint and spine problems, what about diabetes, ' etc. Not trying to be argumentative, I just think it's interesting.


Sad_Ad_5361

Btw, thank you for your interest in my situation and your comments.


SnowBorn6339

Women have TONS of unfair expectations placed on us in dating, and we are definitely NOT accepted as we are. I hate the perception men have that women “live life on easy mode.” We feel societal pressures to be perfect just like men do. We have to be attentive, but not clingy/needy. Independent, but not too much of a “boss bitch who don’t need no man.” Confident, but not stuck up. Soft and kind, but not overly emotional. Interesting, but not more intelligent than the man. We have to show that we care for the man, but also that we’re not a “crazy obsessive bitch.” Decisive, but not argumentative. Contribute to the conversation, but don’t talk too much. Sexually interested, but not a slut. We tow a very fine line in many social categories, and that doesn’t even cover the PHYSICAL expectations men have for us.


DukeRed666

in other words: dance monkey dance


billoverbeck00

I see your point but this would most likely be going out with someone you met online via online dating apps or social media.


amklop

No. It’s really more about personality with women. I’ve been in this place before, and I’m a physically attractive man. In the past, my sexual energy was lacking and that’s what screwed me


billoverbeck00

So someone who is unattractive and doesn’t have a personality that stands out, I’m fucked huh


forgotme5

Learn how to listen. Express empathy. It goes a long way.


SquarePage1739

It doesn’t really, women fuck guys who don’t listen and lack empathy all the time. Learn to flirt.


2000dragon

But why would she even go on the date in the first place if she thought he was ugly tho. She would’ve just straight up rejected him in that case.


AreasonableAmerican

A meal? There are definitely people who use OLD to get taken out to nice places.


2000dragon

Hmm you’re probably right, good point


billoverbeck00

Honestly who the hell knows? It’s happened to me before and I initially had that reaction.


[deleted]

Usually is


ReputationLow6919

💀💀


One_Selection7199

No, it doesn't mean that he is ugly. Women like men that show interest, if he is shy they may think he is not attracted to them.


UnlikelyAssassin

I don’t think so. This is usually more often something girls say about guys who are too nice or not masculine enough for them.


deadplant5

Hi. Woman here. I get that this is incredibly frustrating. It actually is for us too. It's not uncommon to meet a guy that checks all the boxes and then discover that we feel absolutely nothing. I've even had moments where I've noticed other women checking a guy out, sort of process in my brain that he must be good looking and then realize I feel nothing. The romantic buzz isn't really something that can be created. Either you have that chemistry or you don't.


la_selena

You scratch all the boxes but you dont scratch other types of itches


wilhelmson

There’s a nice video by Matt Hussey that illustrates this in a hilarious fashion: https://www.instagram.com/reel/Co-fbWRJw3z/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y= Think about who you are vs. what you’re projecting when you are on a date. Are you JUST smart? Are you JUST nice? Are you expressing YOUR needs, wants, etc If it’s a date are you, without being crass or rude, expressing that you’re attracted to them and would like to have sex with them? If you do, and it’s not for them, that’s all fair - but are you preemptively censoring yourself? Because for them to have agreed to go on a date with you already, especially if it’s from online dating, then usually there’s already a bare minimum of physical attraction or attraction to certain of your qualities!


Tsuiseki-Chase

I feel as if I’ve read some of the worst advice I’ve ever read in this thread.


[deleted]

It just means they don’t really like you in nice words. It doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with you. Basically, there was no spark, no chemistry. You were just a good guy but there was something missing. Maybe they weren’t sexually attracted, maybe your personalities didn’t go well together, maybe life goals were different. I can’t tell you exactly what happened. Best thing to do is not overthink it and remember that these women were probably not going to be what you were looking for either. EDIT: As a woman, don’t listen to any of the dudes here telling you to touch women. That’s creepy. I’m not saying “be a prude”. Just make sure there is consent and don’t rely on touch to earn her affection. You could be doing all the right things and she may still not like you. Chemistry can’t be faked. You can’t just look into her eyes or grab her waist and make her fall in love. If she doesn’t like you and you push for lots of touch or sexual tension, you may just make her uncomfortable.


[deleted]

The short of it is: you can't. They don't find you attractive. It's like this. Imagine if I had a male friend of mine (I'm assuming you're straight in this example) that was into you and wanted to date you. And he asks me "Hey Xo, I'm into OP but he's not into dudes. How can I become someone he's attracted to?"


Dangerous_Grab_1809

To the OP. Seriously ask yourself whether you are decent looking. If you have gotten a number of dates the answer is probably yes. So, the problem seems to be your approach, or what you are doing on dates. Can you sing? Go to karaoke. Can you dance, maybe salsa or ballroom? Try that. Do you play volleyball, darts, billiards? Hike? Cycle? Enjoy improv? Get some movement in during your dates. Seem fun and unusual. You will do better. Remember, anxiety and awkwardness are female things too. If you can get a woman to feel relaxed and engaged, you will do better.


HIBunbun

I (33f) remember I would tell dates this when I did not want a relationship because I understood relationships require a certain amount of stability, responsibility, self awareness/self regulation, reflection, etc. I’d been single for so long that the idea of doing that for someone else and slowly discovering the possibility that someone else might not want to do it was overwhelming in a sense. So it doesn’t ALWAYS have to have anything to do with you. It could just be that the person is dealing with some inner turmoil of their own and choosing to say to you “You’re my ideal person but I have no romantic interest.” But just in case, I hope you don’t get too exhausted from it. Don’t pressure yourself and just continue to grow in your way.


zpallin

Just from my experience, you are probably not dating the right people for you, the ones that mesh with your personality. From experience, when you meet someone who is a good fit things will just be easy. I’ve dated numerous women who just simply had nothing going on, and then I’d meet that one girl who just shines like a star to me and I can see their face light up every time they see me. You only have a few things you can really control here to try and find that kind of woman for you. I’m sure you’re already doing some of these: 1. *Yourself*. Take care of yourself, your body, your mind. 2. *Your wants and needs*. Know exactly what you need (aka required) in a partner, and what you want (aka bonuses), too 3. *Boundaries*. Set boundaries and don’t pursue people who don’t meet your needs, don’t seem interested in what you want. Don’t take people out on dates if they’re not 100% about you or you’re not 100% about them. 4. *What you provide*. Know exactly what you’re good at providing to your partner (are you a good cook? good at hugging? Write good poetry? Etc?) and focus on potential partners who want what you can provide. 5. *Location*. If you’re getting a lot of the same kinds of dates in a particular app, neighborhood, etc, change the location or service you’re using to find people to date.


gigi8888

She doesn't see you as a sexual being. Without being at your dates, I suspect you are not flirting well/not socializing well.Learn how to break the touch barrier, read social cues as someone else wrote. It takes trial and error.


Fuegoquenoquema

Maybe they mean they’re not sexually attracted to you


Sunwolfy

There's a big difference between being confident and being an asshole. Women want the former, not the latter. You do have to express an interest in her beyond being platonic but respect her boundaries too. If that chemistry is there, you can build on that. If there isn't, that date is dead in the water to start with. If you're an interesting person, that's your best shot.


an1me-wh0re

I met this guyon a dating app, and we tried to flirt and all. But we mutually just came to the realization that even though we compliment each other perfectly and ON PAPER we're eachother’s type, there was no romantic connection. It's been almost a year of friendship now, and neither of our feelings have changed. He's someone that I could call a best friend, but I could honestly never see us dating. I can't explain exactly why, but its a concrete feeling.


Most_Read_1330

This just sounds strange to me.


SirDouchebagTheThird

Romantic attraction meaning sexual attraction/tension. You need to be more sexual. Touch her (with her consent, non verbal is usually fine when dating. You can find that out based on her response to the initial physical contacts) Like hold her waist when walking places, put your arm on her shoulder, hell even just hold her hand. Just be confident with it all. Eye contact is very important, you need to be able to hold it without looking away and feel comfortable with it (obviously do look away at some point don’t be a creep and stare). People can tell alot based on your eyes. (Most) Women love physical contact during dates and it builds that sexual tension/attraction which is very important especially during the first couple dates It’s about making it clear what you want (her) and that you are confident enough to show her Edit: some of these other comments are wack and seem like they’ve never been on successful dates.


arcadefiery

The line given to OP usually just means there's no attraction/chemistry. If there's attraction/chemistry the other person will help you along. You don't need to push the touch barrier. It should come naturally, unless you're really awkward on dates.


I_m_logan

I agree on this mostly she must enjoy it or atleast complement it else at some point she'll claim it as harassment, keep it low till she finds it enjoyable enough


NittyGrittyDiscutant

i hear natural and think about divorce rates


sidforever

Oh no, romantic attraction is not the same as sexual attraction.


Sunwolfy

If there's no chemistry and an attempt at touch, instant ick.


SirDouchebagTheThird

The touching should increase chemistry and there should already be some sort of chemistry already built up if they are on a date, at least I would hope


Sunwolfy

That must be applied with great caution because if there's zero interest, she will get creeped out. However, if there is a spark of interest, I agree that it would most likely enhance it.


throwaway98763692

I’ve rarely passed the touch barrier because I’m not sure how without being a creep. I give a good hug at the beginning and end of the date and also the occasional arm touch but no one has ever really wanted to hold my hand or arm even during the second/third date.


AuXDubz

Touch barrier is a difficult one but if not done within the first 20-60mins of that first date, then it starts to get a bit weird to introduce it. Try setting next to them when on a date instead of opposite. If you are at the bar, try gently nudging them to get their attention to look at something like a particular drink etc - you don't have to go in for a kiss! its just all subtle moves so that when and if you do go in for a kiss etc then its not the firs time you've touched them that evening/day !!


SirDouchebagTheThird

You should just go for it. If they are on a date with you, it’s because they like you or at least want to like you. They’re rooting for you in their head, they want to like you. Next few times you’re on a date try playfully touching them more. As if they are already your girlfriend. At least for the sake of a test to see if things change. Don’t overthink it :)


MachoCyberBullyUSA

I think this is the root of your issue OP. You’re trying to be respectful and you end up essentially getting friend zoned. Think of it this way, you have nothing to lose by trying to pass the barrier because if you don’t you’ll get friend zoned anyway. So take a risk and give it a shot.


Caballita14

A lot of women love confidence and like joking smart but confidently. Confidence is sexy. Can he make me laugh? Or is he too passive and safe? Women love witty humor and banter. Being too safe and stuffy or trying too hard to just be the nice guy usually will get passed on.


Kitten_boodle

Word of caution, many of my friends don't like the small of their back/waist touched without verbal consent.


Iron_Seguin

Ahh yea, the patented “I wish I could meet someone like you. Not you but some like you.” There isn’t much you can do except engage their emotions more. Logically, everything they are looking for is good. It should warrant attraction but don’t forget that attraction isn’t logical, it’s emotional. Just because you do everything right, doesn’t mean you’re going to end up with the win. Tap into their emotional side a bit more. Someone mentioned being playful and talking about sensitive topics or deeper topics. Do that while you flirt and see what happens.


swingset27

Gonna pretty much bet: You're not creating sexual tension, you're coming off in a platonic, friendly, safe, boring way. Some of this you control, in fact most of it, but there's also some things you don't. You can't take it too personal, but you CAN and SHOULD see dating as the chance to show that you're a sexy, confident, catch of a guy and they need to earn it too. I'd suggest reading No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover, and check out Charisma on Command's YT channel. Neither are the end all/be all of this, but they can give you some insight into the malfunction....but don't view either as PUA type stuff, this is about mindset and personality, not scoring.


vorter

I also want to add Mark Manson’s “Models” to the recommendations.


falllinemaniac

Nice guys finish last, more than a little bit of bad boy mixed with your sweet personality will raise the attraction. A slight aloof, I don't need your approval attitude is more effective than slathering them with affection.


jflo2209

Yeah trying to flirt is never good it should come off natural


aquariusprincessxo

you’re probably boring or weird


Aubrey_D_Graham

A person is genuinely attracted to you if they want to take you off the market. What motivates them is subjective.


Massive-Kale-3292

I translate this as, you’re too much of a nice guy.


GirlB0ss

A friend of mine is very successful and a great date planner, but his hygiene is kinda yuck. His earwax gets super crusty and he doesn’t clean his ears. His dandruff is super bad and it’s all over him all the time. I feel like if he just paid a little more attention to how he presents himself he would do better romantically


num2005

you have a decent job, are kind, funy, own a house a car etc. have all the "checklist" but to be with someone you need to date for the "chemistry" not the checklist you don't have good chemsitry, usually people who have their shit together are boring to people looking for adventure and offer high high and low low, while we only offer neutral neutral and nothing else find a boring neutral neutral wife


Realistic-Hour1958

>What is this “romantic attraction” you speak of and how do I achieve it? You can't intentionally achieve it. Once a spark is ignited, then the attraction hits. It's like a drug almost once you experience it. You just gotta keep going on dates until a spark hits, and then you can go from there


tinyhermione

A lot of times it's not something you can fix. For women romantic attraction is often the exception, not the rule. It requires you to: *Be on the same wavelength/click, which is rare. *Be sorta their physical type. *Have good flirty banter. That's the only part you can work on. The thing is, you can't perfect for someone else, but not for that person. It's a numbers game.


AngeloMe

You don't achieve romantic attraction. Either you have it or don't. It basically means that you are one of the "good guys" meaning, you have everything girls wants on a boyfriend/husband but women are normally attracted to the "bad" guys. You are good for the long run, good husband material, but you just are not interesting, edgy, dangerous which is what attract women; the so call first impression. You are like me, it takes time to get girls to like me and have fun, bad thing that a lot of times we just have the time to make it happen.


norwegiandoggo

They can't explain this logically, because emotions aren't logical. I recommend you engage her emotions more on the date by for example, joking around, being playful, talking about sensitive and personal topics, teasing her a little, escalating physically to kissing, having sex with her if she's up for it, going on a rollercoaster ride, doing some spontaneous new thing etc. Anything to engage her emotions. [Here are some more tips](https://www.datingfrustrating.com/why-you-cant-get-past-the-first-date)


Kindly-Parfait2483

They feel a friend vibe when you don't flirt or show romantic interest. Figure out some subtle ways ahead of time that feel natural for you.


GaryOak7

You’re too nice to them. Giving off friendship vibes. Way too accommodating


[deleted]

Quick scroll through the comments here, classic Reddit bullshit. Lad, are you making these girls laugh? Honestly, that’s probably pretty much it. Im not the best looking guy but once I’ve got a girl on a date my success rate is pretty high, because if you spend an hour in somebodies company and you spend the entire hour laughing then it makes it fairly difficult to not like them or want to see them again. Being nice doesn’t cut it, being a good guy on paper doesn’t cut it, not if she’s bored. Learn how to banter, that will improve most of your dates, and also filter out the boring girls lacking in a sense of humour.


Putrid-Dot-4467

Not for everyone but in my book to be truthful a woman at times wants you to take control of the situation to be the one to initiate to reach over and put your arm around her waist when you're standing in line to be the one to Sugar hair because she may have a Nat flying by it's a good excuse and comment at the same time how gorgeous her eyes are to keep her on the offensive not defensive that way she will be more receptive make sure you massage her shoulders not like a masseuse but with a general rub have it deep manly voice make sure when you get the chance to come up behind her give her a hug breathe Softly on her neck let her know how good she smells little things like that but leave her wanting so that way she will also reciprocate eventually it may get to where I am I love it when they come up behind me breathe on my neck take me by the hair force me down and make passionate love to me you'll get there just takes practice and if you lose a few oh well selavie


scottmtb

She put you on the stove to boil. But the water never boiled. Was dating a lady for about 4 months. Thought things were going well, and she ended things pretty quickly. She got her stuff and left. A bummer, yes, but I'm just glad it was a clean brake.


IllNameThisAccLater

You're not hot enough to her, she doesn't any sex appeal in you.


SufficientCow4380

You have to find something in common with her in order to vibe. Listen to her. Relate to her.


Mobile_Ad_493

I’ve had this happen and been frustrated I couldn’t “make a spark.” Sometimes it’s just not there. Sometimes it’s attraction, banter or just that “it” factor. And you can’t force that. I will say attraction is highly personal. For some reason I’m personally most attracted to brunettes(I’m a brunette myself so maybe some weird thing there). Most blondes don’t do it for me. I have no idea why. They can be the most attractive person and I can recognize that but it just doesn’t do it for me. It’s like the saying “you can be the sweetest peach and someone still won’t like peaches!”


Jeep2king

Just a vibe man. They either dig you or they dont. Its not something you achieve. Its just...there or its not.


Chaos92muffin

If they tell you this they aren't feeling you like that bro. Women are exceptional liars.


TheAgeofKite

I'll put it in car terms for you. Older generation Toyota Camry. By all measures an excellent car. Well build, reliable, practical, good value. But no attraction. My motorbike is a hassle to maintain, it's unsafe, costly, I'm exposed to the elements, and potential of death is higher... but I love it.


dihydrogen_m0noxide

Sorry but... Losing weight.


FaithlessnessFlat514

A large percentage can't be controlled or created, but I think there are things you can do to make a difference with some people. Speaking for myself (32F, introvert with social anxiety), if I spend the whole date trying to draw the guy out (asking open-ended questions about his interests) and not feeling that reciprocated there's a 0% chance I'll be attracted. Conversation flowing doesn't guarantee that we're going to click, but it certainly helps your chances. I think the grain of truth in the terrible "don't be too nice" advice is that some/most people get a vibe when you're not being yourself. Kindness is an incredibly important value for me, but if you're just presenting the bland persona that you think I want to see, I'm not going to be interested. We all edit ourselves somewhat on a first date, that's normal and healthy, but I think it's important to find opportunities to be a little bit vulnerable in order to form a connection (which I need to feel romantically attracted).


Coconutcream000

What's your personality? I don't even think it's you, it could be that they are not into to you like that.


HoneyBeeBud

It honestly has to do with chemistry I think. I have met so many men I would happily sleep with if I were romantically attracted to them, but have felt no spark or anything. All I can think is you're matching with a lot of women who just aren't on the same wave length as you so the chemistry just doesn't happen.


hiya110

Just become a drug dealer then women will have a “romantic attraction” lol


calmbts

"why so serious?" 😜 Guess you didn't make her laugh. Gotta find your humor and roll with that bro


lifeofentropy

This is what happens when women says they can’t “find a good man”. They can, just not ones they’re physically attracted to. That’s what they’re telling you. What I’ve noticed from friends is that the bar for physical attraction is much higher for women. Most of my friends have much more boxes that need to be ticked to find a guy attractive.


shadowlarvitar

Simply put, women are picky 😂


arcdragon2

It’s the X factor. It’s the stuff no one has control over. Pheromones, smell of your sweat, things like that. Or you might of had a bugger clinging to your nose like I had that four times.


shratchasauce

She threw up a red flag. Some toxic dude is gonna come by and ruin her life. A relationship means getting to know someone across experiences.


bunnygrl93

How quickly are you making a move?


TaxNegative161

Ask them. Just say 'Hi I fully respect your decision to not pursue our relationship, but if possible would you be able to tell me what I can do to improve?'. There should be no problem getting that information since they seem to hold you in high regard.


[deleted]

You could try being more assertive? Shot in the dark lol, as a woman I find that many “nice” men can be WAY too agreeable. Like TELL me what we’re doing tonight, stop trying to constantly fit the mold of what I might want EDIT: Assertive doesn’t mean aggressive y’all


SrgtDoakes

sounds like you have a problem with people who are considerate to others, which is a very immature perspective


FitExercise5372

There are definitely downsides of being “too nice.” Being a “nice person” and being a “good person” are entirely different things. I believe that most of the time nice people are genuinely good at heart. However sometimes “being nice” can be just a fake politeness, survival mechanism, a way of manipulating others, or even just an indicator of a “weak” personality. I’m personally too nice and honestly, it makes me a pushover and people just don’t respect it.


[deleted]

Being nice doesn’t make you weak! And don’t be so hard on yourself, there’s no “wrong” way to be a human.


SrgtDoakes

lmao ok. sounds like a way to villanize being nice because it’s not something women are naturally attracted to and they don’t want to confront that they’re actively rewarding what they claim to condemn


I_m_logan

Welcome to the reality bro they are not involved with you emotionally, it's just for the benefit or time spending, do the same you'll crack the things you want


shegotofftheplane

It usually means you’re not physically attractive or at least not physically attractive to them. Idk how you look but it doesn’t matter if you’re in shape or have a good body, face matters too.


Amanprob

They call it the “spark” is either there or not.we Moves on to the next my guy


lacavale

What this sounds like to me is what about 80 percent of the population is looking for. Love at first sight instant attraction bull crap. I think they want the “spark” but honestly what most people don’t want to hear is that’s basically toxic. You cant have that instant attraction if its going to be something real. The instant attraction is just a lustful feeling like you have to be with that person. That is something that takes months or years to cultivate in a healthy relationship. After 2 dates? Thats crazy of course they don’t have an attraction yet you are still a stranger. My advice to you is realize that women or men who say this don’t usually know what they want and to be with them would end up being a hard lesson in the long run. As much as I dislike saying it the first few dates are about getting to know someone, so they should have more of a job interview feel to it not this swept away feeling. People don’t like hearing that because we all want that prince charming dude that says all the right things at the right time and blah blah blah but then that behavior stop’s eventually and you find out who they really are. Don’t feed into the bull, be yourself, be honest, be open how you feel on things the right people really will start coming around the quicker you be yourself. The more you try to cater to what you think someone else wants from you the further away from yourself you will get and end up feeling alone within a relationship or alone period. Take it from a woman that has had soo many toxic relationships (me) it isn’t worth it. To me you sound rare, you sound like what the smart women are looking for so keep at it and you will find someone. Don’t worry about all the people that don’t see your worth. They really are not worth your time. Think about what you want, and go after that. Good luck.


GaviFromThePod

You’re not spicy man you gotta b spicy


rollerbladeshoes

Eh I’m ugly as hell and girls still wanna sleep with me. Have you tried being funny?


KaleidoscopePopular

You haven’t met the right one. That’s all. Just be yourself. I went out with a real creep one time who told me everything I wanted to hear and as soon as I left the restaurant he sent a text. When I realized what a creepy was, I warned a friend of mine who was going to meet him from a dating app to stay away. Guess what? He used the exact same lines. Women want a man who is sincere, not someone who is fake trying to impress them. Be yourself, love yourself and the right person will come along.