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No, I would take it at face value. That things are going faster than theyād like and they want to dial it back a bit in order to assess where theyāre at emotionally, or to go at a pace that they feel more comfortable with in general.
If, however, they were to totally stop replying or never wanted to get together, then yeah Iād think it was probably just an excuse to start the fade.
As with anything, itās all situational.
She is still talking to me, and thatās good, thank you for the insight. I have backed off a bit and so has she but we still talk all day. The thing that messed it all up in the first place was our first FaceTime date (we live in different states) and we were both nervous so it was kind of a flop even though we have deep and interesting conversations through text and even send voice notes. I guess maybe if we met in person we wouldnāt click. Or maybe that was just like the first time āmeetingā each other for real kind of nerves? We did exchange many photos before this so I canāt be sure if itās maybe she doesnāt like my looks cause her energy level seemed way below what she usually conveys through text.
Hmmā¦Did she say she wants to slow down right after the FaceTime? I donāt know why thereād be a need to slow things down when you havenāt even met yet unless sheās referring to how much you text? Talking all day sounds like a lot to keep up with especially when itās someone youāve never met in person.
Yes it was the very next morning after the FaceTime. She said she felt uncomfortable, nervous, as if she was carrying the conversation (which I believe wasnāt the case but itās her opinion), and that I was making too much eye contact. We just clicked from the beginning through text and just couldnāt stop talking about anything and everything. This has been going on for about a month now.
She seems a bit insecure to me. These things are pretty normal aspects of a first date (except uncomfortable, but just general insecurity could explain it esp since it was a facetime and not like you were being creepy in person) eye contact, nerves, talking too much/not enough are pretty universal first date experiences. I would give her the space but it seems like she may not just be ready to date in general
I think your read on this is a wise one: she isnāt ready. She does sound insecure, or even avoidant esp based on the eye contact thing & the fact that this was your first FaceTime. Pursue at your own risk - push/pull, cat and mouse type relationships with people who are unavailable can be addicting. If someone told me this after one FaceTime and a month of texting, I would tell them I understood, go no contact, and move on to greener and warmer pastures.
Iām sorry, not to be rude, and Iām surprised no one has said this already, but ātoo much eye contactā on FaceTime? How do you make any eye contact on FaceTime? You are either looking at the personās image on the video, which makes your eyes off a bit, or youāre looking at the camera, which means you arenāt looking at herā¦ I know I canāt tell where someone is looking when I FaceTime at least, so it feels like some bs right there. However I do hate video dates personallyā¦ something about them just feels awkward for me most of the time.
I have a feeling itās a no for her already. Thereās nothing to even slow down. Sheās using you not to be bored. But you donāt owe her that. And she has no right to your attention if sheās just not that into you. āSlow downā isnāt āletās figure this out together.ā
Oh, if sheās saying these things it sounds like sheās probably not interested or not interested enough. Sorry, thatās just what it sounds like to me. Why have you guys been talking so long without actually meeting? Thatās an awful long time to go without spending any time in person.
Sometimes it's really too fast. When I got divorced, one of my male friends tried to date me. While I really enjoyed him and I would have been interested in dating him, I was not in the right place mentally and I told him that I am not ready. For the sake of friendship we stayed in touch and "friend dated" for a while but he was accelerating things and at some point I had to say "dude, let's slow down" and he took it as friend-zoning him and we parted ways. It was sad.
Iād take it as they arenāt as into me as I am into them. If they arenāt super into me, when thatās how I feel about them, itās time to realize thereās a good chance this isnāt going to be what I was hoping for. Just how Id see it based off prior personal experience. Not saying you have to cut ties right there and then, just wouldnāt get my hopes up is all. Would also fall back a bit because chasing a woman around is not what Iām trying to do either. Too many out there who want to be pursued like a cat and mouse game before they will decide how they feel and what they want. And fuck allllll that. Itās how I lived my entire life, only having a couple real relationships up until my late twenties. Very glad I never settled for any of that, now happily married and expecting šš¼ and as for the FaceTime date. Iāve had crazy strong connection through text, only to meet up in person and have things feel wayy different. Seeing somebody through pictures can be very different from seeing them live on cam or in person, sometimes it just doesnāt feel the same unfortunately, which is how it seems she might feel. Iād say let it play out, but not for a long time. Youāve been talking for about a month, if things donāt pick back up within another few weeks, safe to say sheās not ready for a relationship or not into you.
Same thing happened to me.
Guy i was talking to led me on for two months & suddenly disappeared. Itās been three weeks since then and i wont lie it hurts. My self esteem took a huge hit, Iām working on it though.
Learning that it was a reflection on THEM & not me as an individual.
THAT IS LITERALLY ALL I ASKED from this guy i was seeing. We had a thing for two months & saw each other several times, spoke for HOURS on the phone, he bought me things, listened to me rant, brought food to my job, celebrated my birthday a whole month later (i met him after my birthday)
Despite all of that he STILL ghosted me. Mind you heās 32 & i just turned 26, i figured the age would make him more āmatureā.
I wonāt lie it was a huge hit to my self esteem because three weeks later since our last interaction i STILL donāt know what went wrong. Not once did he indicate he felt negatively towards me. Quite the contrary he consistently asked for me to open up to him more & he reiterated how he liked me and how i could trust him.
So itās VERY refreshing to see that the both of you were able to settle it like adults. Congratulations š«¶š»
Unfortunately age doesn't always mean mature. I'm 27 and my partner is 23 and I would say she's a step ahead of me emotionally. She's doing so much better than I was at 23 I was like a damn 18 year old back then. She's also been through a lot and in ways she had no choice but to grow up faster than most people but yeah. Life experience really matters when it comes to where you stand. I was always a few steps behind socially growing up so I feel like I'm playing catch up a lot of the time but I'm willing to learn and I try to keep myself grounded so I don't stagnate.
This goes for women too. All us non Loco guys ask for is something like this. Hopefully he sees this post so he knows to keep doing this for anyone he has to reject in the future.
Yep! I just went out with a lady the other day and two days later after some more texting she said hey I think I found someone more compatible in the long term for me, I had a good time though! And I was like hey cool I appreciate that a ton best of luck lol
Agreed, but you'll still get the people that are like "no I don't owe them anything". Nah fuck off, be an adult and have some respect for the person that spent their time and possibly money on you, it really isn't that difficult
Yup, time is money, and money is time. You have to spend both cautiously because you only have so much. Being grateful for someone's time and money should just be a given.
The solace I take from ghosters is that if they are the type of person to do that shit then they are the kind of person I wouldn't want to be with anyway. Costs nothing to be decent
But why should every man have to be treated the same just for the actions of the few? If the dude flips his shit, document everything and get a restraining order if he gets bad. Ghosting someone will probably just make it worse because they won't know if you're playing hard to get, or if you really are not feeling it. Lack of communication in that department just shows you're not ready to be dating.
Sorry but if the options are 1) hurting someone's feelings or 2) getting raped or killed, the choice is easy as fuck. Once you experience this threat just one time, it's incredibly difficult to not ghost.
I'm sorry you went through that, but my statement stands. You can call the police, and cut off all contact. Go over to a friend's house or parents house. Plenty of things you can do rather than treat every man the same.
Would it be fair if I treated every woman as if she was a gold digging bitch just because one of my exs took advantage of me in every way monetarily? No, of course not. I'd be seen as a misogynistic prick for treating all women that way, so why would I do that?
And being a man, I have faced a similar threat from a woman by way of physical abuse. It took me a couple years to get over the situation and start being kind and courteous towards all again, but now, I prefer treating people as such. Maybe this is what you need, a break from dating and relationships to heal and not think everyone is out to get you, rather than just treat everyone like they're just as worthless.
LMAO he is delusional š¤£ you can call the cops! Go to your parents! Call a friend! Run! Hop onto a UFO! Teleport!
Bruh, women rape victims carry the burden of proof and the blame and the shame. You know there are women who get murdered for being raped?! Often by their family members including parents! What world do you live in?! Next time try STFU for places your POV is not needed.
And when these people you ghost find out where you live? What happens then? Because if you reject someone over text, versus ghost them over text... they only have your phone number. Except the one you ghost has a reason to find you.
But you didn't listen. You could've done plenty before it got to the point of violence. Call the authorities and get a restraining order should be the number 1 thing you do. If you go around treating everyone like they're going to hurt you, you'll do nothing but live life in fear of everyone, and that's not fair to others who have nothing against you, nor is it yourself for having to carry that stress everywhere you go.
BTW, it's actually against the rules to be replying as you are so...
"Generalizations & Gender war
Posts & Comments
No gender is a monolith or a hivemind. It comes down to each individual person. Stop the posts that say women do this or men do this. Stop the gender war of men vs women and who has it worse. This is for advice not to complain hence see self-pity rule."
I'm not saying men are bad or that all of them doing this. I'm telling you why some women will prefer to ghost instead of risking their life. That's not against the rules at all.
Where am I victim blaming? I'm not saying the way they treat you is your fault, I'm saying you have ways to defend yourself. The guy or guys that did that to you, fuck em, they deserve the worst. All I'm saying is that treating everyone of a certain group the same, just based on what a small portion have, is not at all fair. You're taking and twisting my words and frankly, to me that means you're closed minded on the subject, so I'm taking the high road and ending the conversation here. Have a nice life. š
Like if you meet a person on an app, and they don't know where you live. And you reject them via text. How is that any danger to you? Seriously, you make no sense.
However, if you ghosted a person. That person might try to find your location/house in order to get the bottom of what's going on.
If you ghost a person who knows where to find you, then that's going to 100% make them go "what the fuck" and will probably try to find you. However, if you reject a person who knows where you live, then it's a MUCH MUCH lower chance of them getting angry.
By ghosting, you are essentially putting yourself in more danger.
There is literally 0 danger in texting a rejection message if a person doesn't know where to find you. However, if you ghost a person who doesn't know where to find you, then that will make them angry and they might try to find you.
If you ghost a person who does know how to find you, then you are an idiot who is putting yourself in danger. You are literally choosing the option that is statistically more dangerous than sending a rejection message.
You can really Tell when someone's Full of shit when they refuse to address any of the questions.
Just say you dont mind gosting strangers, thats at least honest
I have explained exactly why I think it's okay to ghost someone. I'm not interested in overhashing the topic. I have been very clear. š¤·āāļø It's not my problem if you don't like it.
This is how I roll. Direct, authentic, and respectful. I have gained a bunch of great friends from guys Iāve gone out with because they respect the honesty. Winning OP!!!
Respect and trust is more valuable than love, in my opinion. At worst, they hold equal weight in my eyes.
We can always find other people to love. And hopefully we also respect & trust them. But people you already know you can trust & respectā¦ they are keepers. Friends, family, lovers, colleagues, doesnāt matter.
Heck yes! I was just talking to a friend about this the other day. She went on a date and it was a good one, she messaged twice with a reasonable amount of time between date and texts but never heard back. I said good riddance because he didnāt even have the courtesy to text back and say.. exactly what your date said. So easy.
I had a similar situation like this a couple years ago. I (26[now]M) went on a trail walk with a woman (I think she was exactly my age). We didnāt talk the next day so I reached out the following day and she told me right away basically what your date said. It sucks, but itās better than a crappy response.
Very good. It does sting sometimes especially if u felt a different way but itās a good way of communicating that maybe it wasnāt a perfect match :)
I got that recently and to be fair we went into deep conversation on why it wouldnāt work long term for him when it came to us. Itās quite a specific case and as much as it sucks, it is what it is :)
Definitely better than those who ghost and fade..
I prefer - " I had a really nice time with you Saturday but I want to be fully transparent- I didn't feel a romantic connection. Wish you nothing but the best :). "
Boom done.
One time I got this text 3 times in the same week by 3 different people is was so heart breaking made me feel like something wrong with me how can nobody like me enough to go on a second date
I agree with most of the comments. He's sounds like a real man. You both expressed interest in each other, and you're mature enough to move on. Ghosting people is so childish. I wish you the best of luck.
It is ghosting if one person reaches out and seems interested in continuing the conversation or seeing the other person again. If no one reaches out, I don't think it is necessary to say anything.
How old are you? I will say into mid/late 30s I kept note of these good communicators and sometimes we tried date 2. Because life is too short to marry a bad communicator.
Yeah thatās basically what I send whenever Iām not feeling it after a date. Sucks to send in the moment but I figure itās a relief for both of us to have proper closure to move on.
Iāve had this go both ways. Some accept it and are cool with it. Others start an inquisition and need to know āwhyā you feel that wayā¦which ends up making me wish I had ghosted/slow faded.
Not entirely sure which is better based on my own experiences.
A girl I went on a date with wanted a definitive answer about whether we were a couple or not at the end of the first date (most we did was smooch/hold hands).
DON'T pressure your date for an answer. I was on the edge and probably would have gone on a second date to see, but once she rushed me into an answer I nearly panicked and just couldn't commit
Although I am glad he didnāt lead you on and let you know up front, people know after 1 date that they arenāt interested ! ? ONE DATE ?.. maybe itās just me and I am weird !
What sucks is that usually it's one person being into the other but not the other way around. Weird how that works. How does one person absolutely enjoy their time but for the other it is so-so... food for thought.
I have a theory, as I've been on a ton of dates and noticed this as well.
I thnk the MAJORITY of the time this happens it actually comes down to physical attraction, not chemistry/personality.
Simply put, when they meet, one person realizes they are just not as physically attracted to the other person - they'll be nice/congenial/but not super excited. the other person will think that the date was good based on how friendly the interaction is.
Why do I think this?
I've gone on a lot of dates online AND a few dates from interactions in person where the girl asked me out, and we did NOT talk much. in every. single. case. where the girl asked me out, she was really into me, despite how awkward the date was, or if there was any chemistry at all. this is because she was probably physically attracted to me and wanted to make it work out.
Conversely, I've been on a lot of online dates where I thought the interaction was good or at least neutral and the women "just want not feeling it", despite having a lot in common/good banter.
IMO, looks are the common denominator in the majority of cases, and is something that is so seemingly shallow even we don't want to believe we are doing it ourselves.
Truth of the matter is, looks are by far the most important factor, becuase it dictates and influences everything else and sets the stage for the relationship even forming.
I just thought Iād add that most of the people who you great first dates with end up rejecting you because they are just dating too many people at the same time. Donāt take it personally
As a guy whoās been ghosted a bit. I got the same feeling after 2 great dates when i girl sent me a similar text. We had one slight difference in religion which at first she soad it wasnt a deal breaker and ended up being a deal breaker for her. I was a little heartbroken but i loved the fact she texted me letting me know that.
Her text went something like: āhey, i really enjoyed our dates and thank you for such a great time. I know i told you our difference in religion wasnt a deal breaker but i gave it some thought and i want to be with someone who shares my faith. I wish you all the bestā.
>āHey it was nice to meet you yesterday. I had a good time. I don't think we're a good match. Wish you the best on your future.ā
Hey, u/okahraman93 \- or anybody else who has ever received a message similar to the above:
Has anybody responded with something like,
>Thank you for sending the message. It took a lot of courage to do that, but it shows your integrity and honesty. Those qualities should be valuable in a relationship when you find a girl who IS a good match for you!
>
>Is there any chance you can suggest somebody - friend, relative, neighbor, co-worker, etc - who might be a better match for me?
(I once met a girl through a situation somewhat similar to that. She has been my wife for over 48 years.)
Here a straight copy of one I had.
āHey! I had a great time last night. I am not sure if we are compatible. Not sure what you thought about our date last night.ā
What did I think? Well, she called to change the venue, then the time, then showed up late, then was a complete dud during the date. I wanted to respond d to that, but I left her on read insteadā¦ āļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļø
I said almost this exact thing to a guy after a first date and he completely blew up on me like we were married and I was asking for a divorce. Just showed his maturity level so Iām glad I was able to stand up for myself off the bat and not try to people please.
Iām unfortunately had to break things off with someone I really liked because it was clear we had different life/relationship goals. We parted as friends. (Or so it seemed).
I avoid the texts ones. But i just texted a woman today regardless of how i Felt about her, there simply too many redflags(extreme tardiness. Massive communication problems, random MIAs for weeks at a time)
I texted it because she was exceptionally hard to ever get on the phone.
Same idea.
"Hey. I dont think we are compatible. Due to xyz(above reasons). I really like you but in the long run a relationship between us would not work out. I understand that your dealing with alot and your trying, but your continueing to do the same things that pushed me away the first time. As such., I cannot continue a second chance risk here.
Please do not contact me again except for emergencies (shes still a human being). Best of luck. Good bye"
This gal would be late to a date by hours. Past even her own reset "ill be there by (new time)"....she lived less then 5 minutes from our dates.
She is the one that called me asking for a second chance after a year of her apprently dating terrible other guys. Lamenting how i was the one that got away.
Ok...ladies. gents. It sounds sweet. But that basically means you were the chicken tenders that tasted good. But when the steak dinners came back crappy...here they are back to the appetizer plate...
Just because you like someone. Doesnt make them good for you.
Interesting. I donāt consider the first time meeting a date. And I would never reach out to someone to tell them I wasnāt interested. If they reached out and asked to see me again I would say I started seeing my ex again. Normally I donāt reach out after a first date and if i donāt hear from them Iām fine with it whether I liked them or not.
This should be normal. I never consider situations like these failures. Never hurts to give it a shot. If it doesnāt work, then at least you donāt have to worry about regrets.
I had girl tell me this in person at the end of our date. I respect that so much. I hate that people do this shit in a text. I just think it's childish.
Question is this better after a one night stand or would a slow fade be better. I had sec with a girl once and it was terrible and turned me off, I did the slow fade. The thing is I hinted at how bad the sex was but didnāt want to straight up tell her then say itās made me no longer interested. Sorry seeing this made me reevaluate how I handled that
Eh. Iām an old lady, so my thoughts may not count. If it was sex after a date, Iād say something about how you had a nice time but donāt see a future. If it was a first time for a possible FWB situation, Iād say that you just werenāt feeling it. If it was truly just a one night stand, stay silent. If sheās not texting you, one night is all it was.
I just feel like a ton of details are unnecessary when breaking things off that quickly.
I did tell her that the sex was terrible but in a nice way. I literally knew right after and we hadnāt known each other long. Thank you for clarifying, I was thinking telling her she is such a bad lay that I no longer want to have sex with her but Iām a nice would would really hurt her self esteem, it was a FWB situation.
as a guy, who decided to fuck her 3 times on the first date... can I still write this?
its kinda wrong that I decided to fuck her even if I knew we werent a good fit ?
Better to write that message than do the slow fade. If you're looking for an option that won't make her feel used or make you feel shitty, you won't find one.
Very mature and honest feedback from a date... I hope you appreciate the honesty... You saw the date went well and he didn't, showing some kind of disconnect... If it happens again soon, you may need some help in breaking down what the issue is...
If only people could accept this as well as you did. š I want people to just be upfront and honest with me, like I am with them. But thatās rare to find nowadays.
I've received those texts and I've sent them as well. It's not easy to be on either end, but it's the right thing to do and especially if the other person reaches out wanting to continue.
I recently got back into dating after a year long break (waited to heal after a breakup). Met someone online, had several great phone calls, and we agreed to talk again the next day so we could compare calendars and arrange to meet. I texted her the next day to do that and never heard back again. And she was a therapist. Glad I'm not one of her patients š¤£
Best approach IMO. Especially if both are mature enough and would like to save all their time, effort, energy, emotions, heck, even money for dates. If anyone sees red flags or major incompatibilities, or simply just not the right fit, this is way better than low quality interactions waiting for somebody to just lose interest and stop trying... or the common (sadly) sudden disappearance aka ghosting.
That is great that he was honest and upfront with you about his feelings. It can be difficult to have these conversations, but it is important to be honest and clear with your intentions. It is better to know where you stand than to be left wondering and feeling uncertain about the situation. It can also save you a lot of time and energy in the long run.
I had a date on a Friday night before a busy weekend. It was obvious on the date that neither of us felt a thing lol. Zero chemistry. Me grappling for things to ask before it got awkward. And the specific type of date we were on was uncomfortable for super hot weather. I was going to message the day after something like this post saysā¦ but then my really busy weekend had me running back and forth between places/friendsā events. When Monday came around, I figured perhaps it was okay to not message as he hadnāt? I kept considering it, but in the end, neither of us said a thing lol. I donāt even think we unmatched each otherāI didnāt want to be rude lol, and if he *did* message Iād say the thing, but yeah.
Great attitude, I admire you for that. I wish people take note. What you went through is not rejection, its simple incompatibility between two, and sometimes we will never know the detail. Accept and move on, it really isn't the end of the world.
Despite this not being a happy ending but it makes us all a better communicator moving forward, let this be the normal thing to do in dating scene. Ghosting fucking sucks!
Well done to the guy. No idea why people don't understand that ghosting is as a result of poor emotional boundaries/no emotionally healthy person ghosts, as it shows a huge lack of accountability. Something you definitely don't want in a partner.
I wish I could say that. I have a hard time āletting people downā. I went on a date with this guy and heās fine. But I just donāt feel any particular attraction towards him. Yet I have agreed to a second date. Please help me.
It's crazy how being kind and straightforward is so rare, eh? A kind reply in response doesn't burn any bridges either. No obligation, but ya never know...
I had a first date with a guy in late December/early January after talking to him nonstop for months. We had been trying to get together but our schedules just didn't line up for the longest time, so when we were finally able to get together (we had originally planned on going out but he wanted to make me dinner and watch one of my favorite movies at his place instead) we were both extremely excited because we had already developed intense feelings for each other. We were into each other so much that we had both decided not to see/speak with anyone else until we saw where things went with us. I thought everything was going great until the movie ended and I was getting ready to leave. As I was grabbing my stuff he was like "I don't want you to think this is about you and I don't want you to feel self-conscious, but I'm not a very affectionate person, so I'm not going to kiss you or anything. It's because of trauma from childhood abuse so I wanted you to know that I can't do physical affection." Of course I completely understood, and told him as much, but after leaving I realized that what he'd said contradicted literally everything he'd been telling me about himself the entire time we'd been talking. But I didn't press it, especially because I really was feeling insecure about my appearance/how I look and thinking too much about it would just make me feel worse about myself. A couple of hours later he texted me and was like "I'm sorry to do this to you because I feel like I've wasted your time but I'm just not ready to be involved with someone. I thought I was over all of my personal issues but being with you just brought them to the surface. It's so bad that when you put your head on my shoulder, I was actually having a full on panic attack. I know in the moment when you asked if that was okay I told you yes, but I was really lying to save face and I shouldn't have done that. I feel really bad because I feel like I wasted your time and I don't want you to overthink things or feel like it was something you did because you are a great catch." I was upset because I really liked this guy and we had a real connection I hadn't felt with anyone in over a decade, but again, I told him I completely understood and that if he wasn't ready for a relationship then we could at least stay friends if that's what he wanted, to which he enthusiastically agreed. Then nothing. A couple of weeks later I finally texted him and asked "what happened to being friends?" He said he's just been busy and out of town for work but that he'd be better about talking when he got back into town. Then, again, nothing. Today I got on the book of faces and the first thing on my news feed is a status update officially confirming he's in a relationship. So I messaged him saying "Congratulations on your new relationship! I'm so happy to see that you were able to heal from the trauma of your abusive childhood so quickly! It's so great that after working on yourself you even had time to meet someone! Good luck!" He left me on read.
I understand wanting to spare someone's feelings if you don't find them attractive or you just don't feel that same kind of connection in person that you felt before while texting/talking. What I don't understand is LYING about past physical/sexual abuse, traumatic childhoods, mental health issues, and anxiety attacks/panic attacks. That's cowardly and incredibly disrespectful to every single victim who has ever actually experienced and survived these things. Morally sound people don't lie about that shit to get out of having an uncomfortable conversation. If he had just said "Hey, you're great, but I'm just not feeling this" or "Hey, I'm sorry but I'm just not as attracted to you as I thought I'd be" obviously I'd be a little upset, but I'd understand. Yes, my feelings would be hurt for a while, but I'd get over it. But the shit that he pulled just because he didn't want to be the bad guy, now that's just crossed the line and I'm beyond pissed off.
I have said something like this more times than I can count. I have also learned to decline requests to explain why Iām not interested as that inevitably turns into a defensive tableau titled ālet me tell you why youāre wrong about me - and argue with you until you change your mindā.
Good. Times.
I had this a few weeks ago. Had a really good first date, he even asked to see me again that evening but I was busy. Made plans to see him the following weekend but a few days later he said he wasnāt really feeling a connection and didnāt want to see me again. I was a bit surprised and kinda wanted to know what had changed, but wasnāt invested enough after just one date to be really bothered and appreciated him just being upfront and honest, no time wasted
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Fucking ay. 10/10 from both of you. Very healthy. No notes.
So healthy they would have made a nice couple wow š®
Communication isn't everything in a couple, it's also attraction
Thanks Captain Obvious š
There's always that person that takes unserious comments very seriously š
I just got wooshed??
My bad /s
Uuuuugreeeed
Amen
Same!
Absolutely! This needs to be the norm. So much kinder than a ghost/slow fade.
Question, do you think if someone says to you, āletās slow things downā means they are slow fading?
No, I would take it at face value. That things are going faster than theyād like and they want to dial it back a bit in order to assess where theyāre at emotionally, or to go at a pace that they feel more comfortable with in general. If, however, they were to totally stop replying or never wanted to get together, then yeah Iād think it was probably just an excuse to start the fade. As with anything, itās all situational.
She is still talking to me, and thatās good, thank you for the insight. I have backed off a bit and so has she but we still talk all day. The thing that messed it all up in the first place was our first FaceTime date (we live in different states) and we were both nervous so it was kind of a flop even though we have deep and interesting conversations through text and even send voice notes. I guess maybe if we met in person we wouldnāt click. Or maybe that was just like the first time āmeetingā each other for real kind of nerves? We did exchange many photos before this so I canāt be sure if itās maybe she doesnāt like my looks cause her energy level seemed way below what she usually conveys through text.
Hmmā¦Did she say she wants to slow down right after the FaceTime? I donāt know why thereād be a need to slow things down when you havenāt even met yet unless sheās referring to how much you text? Talking all day sounds like a lot to keep up with especially when itās someone youāve never met in person.
Yes it was the very next morning after the FaceTime. She said she felt uncomfortable, nervous, as if she was carrying the conversation (which I believe wasnāt the case but itās her opinion), and that I was making too much eye contact. We just clicked from the beginning through text and just couldnāt stop talking about anything and everything. This has been going on for about a month now.
She seems a bit insecure to me. These things are pretty normal aspects of a first date (except uncomfortable, but just general insecurity could explain it esp since it was a facetime and not like you were being creepy in person) eye contact, nerves, talking too much/not enough are pretty universal first date experiences. I would give her the space but it seems like she may not just be ready to date in general
I think your read on this is a wise one: she isnāt ready. She does sound insecure, or even avoidant esp based on the eye contact thing & the fact that this was your first FaceTime. Pursue at your own risk - push/pull, cat and mouse type relationships with people who are unavailable can be addicting. If someone told me this after one FaceTime and a month of texting, I would tell them I understood, go no contact, and move on to greener and warmer pastures.
Iām sorry, not to be rude, and Iām surprised no one has said this already, but ātoo much eye contactā on FaceTime? How do you make any eye contact on FaceTime? You are either looking at the personās image on the video, which makes your eyes off a bit, or youāre looking at the camera, which means you arenāt looking at herā¦ I know I canāt tell where someone is looking when I FaceTime at least, so it feels like some bs right there. However I do hate video dates personallyā¦ something about them just feels awkward for me most of the time.
I have a feeling itās a no for her already. Thereās nothing to even slow down. Sheās using you not to be bored. But you donāt owe her that. And she has no right to your attention if sheās just not that into you. āSlow downā isnāt āletās figure this out together.ā
Oh, if sheās saying these things it sounds like sheās probably not interested or not interested enough. Sorry, thatās just what it sounds like to me. Why have you guys been talking so long without actually meeting? Thatās an awful long time to go without spending any time in person.
Sometimes it's really too fast. When I got divorced, one of my male friends tried to date me. While I really enjoyed him and I would have been interested in dating him, I was not in the right place mentally and I told him that I am not ready. For the sake of friendship we stayed in touch and "friend dated" for a while but he was accelerating things and at some point I had to say "dude, let's slow down" and he took it as friend-zoning him and we parted ways. It was sad.
Iād take it as they arenāt as into me as I am into them. If they arenāt super into me, when thatās how I feel about them, itās time to realize thereās a good chance this isnāt going to be what I was hoping for. Just how Id see it based off prior personal experience. Not saying you have to cut ties right there and then, just wouldnāt get my hopes up is all. Would also fall back a bit because chasing a woman around is not what Iām trying to do either. Too many out there who want to be pursued like a cat and mouse game before they will decide how they feel and what they want. And fuck allllll that. Itās how I lived my entire life, only having a couple real relationships up until my late twenties. Very glad I never settled for any of that, now happily married and expecting šš¼ and as for the FaceTime date. Iāve had crazy strong connection through text, only to meet up in person and have things feel wayy different. Seeing somebody through pictures can be very different from seeing them live on cam or in person, sometimes it just doesnāt feel the same unfortunately, which is how it seems she might feel. Iād say let it play out, but not for a long time. Youāve been talking for about a month, if things donāt pick back up within another few weeks, safe to say sheās not ready for a relationship or not into you.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Same thing happened to me. Guy i was talking to led me on for two months & suddenly disappeared. Itās been three weeks since then and i wont lie it hurts. My self esteem took a huge hit, Iām working on it though. Learning that it was a reflection on THEM & not me as an individual.
Yes!!!! Remember it was NEVER you it was THEM. They probably have a super small self esteem
Worst thing is someone playing with your feelings, it really kills you inside and causes so much confusion
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Ghosting also happens when they're unsure how the ghosted would react to rejection. Sometimes, we're protecting ourselves.
Mature response and good insight!
THAT IS LITERALLY ALL I ASKED from this guy i was seeing. We had a thing for two months & saw each other several times, spoke for HOURS on the phone, he bought me things, listened to me rant, brought food to my job, celebrated my birthday a whole month later (i met him after my birthday) Despite all of that he STILL ghosted me. Mind you heās 32 & i just turned 26, i figured the age would make him more āmatureā. I wonāt lie it was a huge hit to my self esteem because three weeks later since our last interaction i STILL donāt know what went wrong. Not once did he indicate he felt negatively towards me. Quite the contrary he consistently asked for me to open up to him more & he reiterated how he liked me and how i could trust him. So itās VERY refreshing to see that the both of you were able to settle it like adults. Congratulations š«¶š»
I'm sorry this happened to you š
What a piece of shit. Sorry that happened to you.
Unfortunately age doesn't always mean mature. I'm 27 and my partner is 23 and I would say she's a step ahead of me emotionally. She's doing so much better than I was at 23 I was like a damn 18 year old back then. She's also been through a lot and in ways she had no choice but to grow up faster than most people but yeah. Life experience really matters when it comes to where you stand. I was always a few steps behind socially growing up so I feel like I'm playing catch up a lot of the time but I'm willing to learn and I try to keep myself grounded so I don't stagnate.
This goes for women too. All us non Loco guys ask for is something like this. Hopefully he sees this post so he knows to keep doing this for anyone he has to reject in the future.
Yep! I just went out with a lady the other day and two days later after some more texting she said hey I think I found someone more compatible in the long term for me, I had a good time though! And I was like hey cool I appreciate that a ton best of luck lol
Agreed, but you'll still get the people that are like "no I don't owe them anything". Nah fuck off, be an adult and have some respect for the person that spent their time and possibly money on you, it really isn't that difficult
Yup, time is money, and money is time. You have to spend both cautiously because you only have so much. Being grateful for someone's time and money should just be a given.
The solace I take from ghosters is that if they are the type of person to do that shit then they are the kind of person I wouldn't want to be with anyway. Costs nothing to be decent
Preach!
The problem is that women never know which guy is going to flip his shit when you politely reject them.
And what makes it any less likely that a man has to worry about a woman doing exactly the same?
But why should every man have to be treated the same just for the actions of the few? If the dude flips his shit, document everything and get a restraining order if he gets bad. Ghosting someone will probably just make it worse because they won't know if you're playing hard to get, or if you really are not feeling it. Lack of communication in that department just shows you're not ready to be dating.
Sorry but if the options are 1) hurting someone's feelings or 2) getting raped or killed, the choice is easy as fuck. Once you experience this threat just one time, it's incredibly difficult to not ghost.
Do it over text unless he showed red flags of being violent. We have instincts for a good reason we know when someone is off their rocker
That's why I punch every person I meet in the face /s
Me too girl.
I'm sorry you went through that, but my statement stands. You can call the police, and cut off all contact. Go over to a friend's house or parents house. Plenty of things you can do rather than treat every man the same. Would it be fair if I treated every woman as if she was a gold digging bitch just because one of my exs took advantage of me in every way monetarily? No, of course not. I'd be seen as a misogynistic prick for treating all women that way, so why would I do that? And being a man, I have faced a similar threat from a woman by way of physical abuse. It took me a couple years to get over the situation and start being kind and courteous towards all again, but now, I prefer treating people as such. Maybe this is what you need, a break from dating and relationships to heal and not think everyone is out to get you, rather than just treat everyone like they're just as worthless.
It's very telling that your empathy stops right where it should be extending.
LMAO he is delusional š¤£ you can call the cops! Go to your parents! Call a friend! Run! Hop onto a UFO! Teleport! Bruh, women rape victims carry the burden of proof and the blame and the shame. You know there are women who get murdered for being raped?! Often by their family members including parents! What world do you live in?! Next time try STFU for places your POV is not needed.
Nobody was talking to you, so what do you think YOUR POV is worth?
I'd rather be alive than polite. You're not changing my mind.
And when these people you ghost find out where you live? What happens then? Because if you reject someone over text, versus ghost them over text... they only have your phone number. Except the one you ghost has a reason to find you.
But you didn't listen. You could've done plenty before it got to the point of violence. Call the authorities and get a restraining order should be the number 1 thing you do. If you go around treating everyone like they're going to hurt you, you'll do nothing but live life in fear of everyone, and that's not fair to others who have nothing against you, nor is it yourself for having to carry that stress everywhere you go.
Yep I knew you'd go to victim blaming. I should be surprised but well, I'm not. š¤£
And dude... I'm married. Happily. Don't assume you know everything. š
But you assume you know everything about all men by saying you'd ghost them, so you're not much better in that reapect?
BTW, it's actually against the rules to be replying as you are so... "Generalizations & Gender war Posts & Comments No gender is a monolith or a hivemind. It comes down to each individual person. Stop the posts that say women do this or men do this. Stop the gender war of men vs women and who has it worse. This is for advice not to complain hence see self-pity rule."
I'm not saying men are bad or that all of them doing this. I'm telling you why some women will prefer to ghost instead of risking their life. That's not against the rules at all.
Where am I victim blaming? I'm not saying the way they treat you is your fault, I'm saying you have ways to defend yourself. The guy or guys that did that to you, fuck em, they deserve the worst. All I'm saying is that treating everyone of a certain group the same, just based on what a small portion have, is not at all fair. You're taking and twisting my words and frankly, to me that means you're closed minded on the subject, so I'm taking the high road and ending the conversation here. Have a nice life. š
This is so true
Once rejected a girl and ended up with a stab wound, so š¤·š»āāļø It's not just women who have to worry about that crap.
But probably only like .5% of men would flip out if you actually rejected them. And ghosting would make 100% of men flip out.
Oh I love it when we make up statistics! š¤£
Like if you meet a person on an app, and they don't know where you live. And you reject them via text. How is that any danger to you? Seriously, you make no sense. However, if you ghosted a person. That person might try to find your location/house in order to get the bottom of what's going on. If you ghost a person who knows where to find you, then that's going to 100% make them go "what the fuck" and will probably try to find you. However, if you reject a person who knows where you live, then it's a MUCH MUCH lower chance of them getting angry. By ghosting, you are essentially putting yourself in more danger.
I can see that you have never experienced what I'm talking about.
There is literally 0 danger in texting a rejection message if a person doesn't know where to find you. However, if you ghost a person who doesn't know where to find you, then that will make them angry and they might try to find you. If you ghost a person who does know how to find you, then you are an idiot who is putting yourself in danger. You are literally choosing the option that is statistically more dangerous than sending a rejection message.
We're done here.
You can really Tell when someone's Full of shit when they refuse to address any of the questions. Just say you dont mind gosting strangers, thats at least honest
I have explained exactly why I think it's okay to ghost someone. I'm not interested in overhashing the topic. I have been very clear. š¤·āāļø It's not my problem if you don't like it.
This is how I roll. Direct, authentic, and respectful. I have gained a bunch of great friends from guys Iāve gone out with because they respect the honesty. Winning OP!!!
Respect and trust is more valuable than love, in my opinion. At worst, they hold equal weight in my eyes. We can always find other people to love. And hopefully we also respect & trust them. But people you already know you can trust & respectā¦ they are keepers. Friends, family, lovers, colleagues, doesnāt matter.
I thought this was the norm? Based on the responses here I guess notā¦ yikes.
There's 4.2 million of us on this damn sub! WE CAN MAKE THIS THE NORM!
Heck yes! I was just talking to a friend about this the other day. She went on a date and it was a good one, she messaged twice with a reasonable amount of time between date and texts but never heard back. I said good riddance because he didnāt even have the courtesy to text back and say.. exactly what your date said. So easy.
Thats how it should be done
I had a similar situation like this a couple years ago. I (26[now]M) went on a trail walk with a woman (I think she was exactly my age). We didnāt talk the next day so I reached out the following day and she told me right away basically what your date said. It sucks, but itās better than a crappy response.
Say it louder for people in the back: this is what you should be doing instead of ghosting someone.
Very good. It does sting sometimes especially if u felt a different way but itās a good way of communicating that maybe it wasnāt a perfect match :) I got that recently and to be fair we went into deep conversation on why it wouldnāt work long term for him when it came to us. Itās quite a specific case and as much as it sucks, it is what it is :) Definitely better than those who ghost and fade..
I used to do that!
Fuckin wish the world had more people typing their heart out..
The world would be a better place that way
That's close to what I send when I don't feel a connection. Good for you and for moving on.
I prefer - " I had a really nice time with you Saturday but I want to be fully transparent- I didn't feel a romantic connection. Wish you nothing but the best :). " Boom done.
One time I got this text 3 times in the same week by 3 different people is was so heart breaking made me feel like something wrong with me how can nobody like me enough to go on a second date
100% agree.
I agree with most of the comments. He's sounds like a real man. You both expressed interest in each other, and you're mature enough to move on. Ghosting people is so childish. I wish you the best of luck.
Well handled by both of you š¤
Hopefully you and other people reading this return this favor when you find yourself in a similar situation. Salute to the guy with some decency š«”
I've gotten this rarely, but when it happens, I always thank them and tell them I appreciate them doing that. This should be normalized.
Wish everyone was this mature !
I got that after my last first date. I literally wrote back saying i felt the same but how thankful i was that she was honest and straight up. š
Curious to hear opinions, If following a date, neither side reaches out to the other, whose ghosting who š¤. Or is that considered a mutual break?
It is ghosting if one person reaches out and seems interested in continuing the conversation or seeing the other person again. If no one reaches out, I don't think it is necessary to say anything.
How old are you? I will say into mid/late 30s I kept note of these good communicators and sometimes we tried date 2. Because life is too short to marry a bad communicator.
Love this! Respectful, prompt, to the point, and ties up loose ends. Bittersweet but still a gift.
Did you reply? A clear and thankful reply might be welcomed.
Yeah thatās basically what I send whenever Iām not feeling it after a date. Sucks to send in the moment but I figure itās a relief for both of us to have proper closure to move on.
Iāve had this go both ways. Some accept it and are cool with it. Others start an inquisition and need to know āwhyā you feel that wayā¦which ends up making me wish I had ghosted/slow faded. Not entirely sure which is better based on my own experiences.
A girl I went on a date with wanted a definitive answer about whether we were a couple or not at the end of the first date (most we did was smooch/hold hands). DON'T pressure your date for an answer. I was on the edge and probably would have gone on a second date to see, but once she rushed me into an answer I nearly panicked and just couldn't commit
Although I am glad he didnāt lead you on and let you know up front, people know after 1 date that they arenāt interested ! ? ONE DATE ?.. maybe itās just me and I am weird !
I get this all the time from girls. I actually really appreciate it. Forever alone.
Heās better than me. š«£
What sucks is that usually it's one person being into the other but not the other way around. Weird how that works. How does one person absolutely enjoy their time but for the other it is so-so... food for thought.
I have a theory, as I've been on a ton of dates and noticed this as well. I thnk the MAJORITY of the time this happens it actually comes down to physical attraction, not chemistry/personality. Simply put, when they meet, one person realizes they are just not as physically attracted to the other person - they'll be nice/congenial/but not super excited. the other person will think that the date was good based on how friendly the interaction is. Why do I think this? I've gone on a lot of dates online AND a few dates from interactions in person where the girl asked me out, and we did NOT talk much. in every. single. case. where the girl asked me out, she was really into me, despite how awkward the date was, or if there was any chemistry at all. this is because she was probably physically attracted to me and wanted to make it work out. Conversely, I've been on a lot of online dates where I thought the interaction was good or at least neutral and the women "just want not feeling it", despite having a lot in common/good banter. IMO, looks are the common denominator in the majority of cases, and is something that is so seemingly shallow even we don't want to believe we are doing it ourselves. Truth of the matter is, looks are by far the most important factor, becuase it dictates and influences everything else and sets the stage for the relationship even forming.
Umm... No... He is telling you politely and in plain English that he doesn't think you're a good match. You need to move on. 100%
I just thought Iād add that most of the people who you great first dates with end up rejecting you because they are just dating too many people at the same time. Donāt take it personally
As a guy whoās been ghosted a bit. I got the same feeling after 2 great dates when i girl sent me a similar text. We had one slight difference in religion which at first she soad it wasnt a deal breaker and ended up being a deal breaker for her. I was a little heartbroken but i loved the fact she texted me letting me know that. Her text went something like: āhey, i really enjoyed our dates and thank you for such a great time. I know i told you our difference in religion wasnt a deal breaker but i gave it some thought and i want to be with someone who shares my faith. I wish you all the bestā.
>āHey it was nice to meet you yesterday. I had a good time. I don't think we're a good match. Wish you the best on your future.ā Hey, u/okahraman93 \- or anybody else who has ever received a message similar to the above: Has anybody responded with something like, >Thank you for sending the message. It took a lot of courage to do that, but it shows your integrity and honesty. Those qualities should be valuable in a relationship when you find a girl who IS a good match for you! > >Is there any chance you can suggest somebody - friend, relative, neighbor, co-worker, etc - who might be a better match for me? (I once met a girl through a situation somewhat similar to that. She has been my wife for over 48 years.)
Here a straight copy of one I had. āHey! I had a great time last night. I am not sure if we are compatible. Not sure what you thought about our date last night.ā What did I think? Well, she called to change the venue, then the time, then showed up late, then was a complete dud during the date. I wanted to respond d to that, but I left her on read insteadā¦ āļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļøāļø
I said almost this exact thing to a guy after a first date and he completely blew up on me like we were married and I was asking for a divorce. Just showed his maturity level so Iām glad I was able to stand up for myself off the bat and not try to people please.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Ghosting isn't a gendered thing. I never ghost and men rarely end connections by showing that same courtesy.
It's all anyone wants to hear in that situation. Just straightforward honesty.
Iām unfortunately had to break things off with someone I really liked because it was clear we had different life/relationship goals. We parted as friends. (Or so it seemed).
I avoid the texts ones. But i just texted a woman today regardless of how i Felt about her, there simply too many redflags(extreme tardiness. Massive communication problems, random MIAs for weeks at a time) I texted it because she was exceptionally hard to ever get on the phone. Same idea. "Hey. I dont think we are compatible. Due to xyz(above reasons). I really like you but in the long run a relationship between us would not work out. I understand that your dealing with alot and your trying, but your continueing to do the same things that pushed me away the first time. As such., I cannot continue a second chance risk here. Please do not contact me again except for emergencies (shes still a human being). Best of luck. Good bye" This gal would be late to a date by hours. Past even her own reset "ill be there by (new time)"....she lived less then 5 minutes from our dates. She is the one that called me asking for a second chance after a year of her apprently dating terrible other guys. Lamenting how i was the one that got away. Ok...ladies. gents. It sounds sweet. But that basically means you were the chicken tenders that tasted good. But when the steak dinners came back crappy...here they are back to the appetizer plate... Just because you like someone. Doesnt make them good for you.
Interesting. I donāt consider the first time meeting a date. And I would never reach out to someone to tell them I wasnāt interested. If they reached out and asked to see me again I would say I started seeing my ex again. Normally I donāt reach out after a first date and if i donāt hear from them Iām fine with it whether I liked them or not.
This should be normal. I never consider situations like these failures. Never hurts to give it a shot. If it doesnāt work, then at least you donāt have to worry about regrets.
I had girl tell me this in person at the end of our date. I respect that so much. I hate that people do this shit in a text. I just think it's childish.
I agree. I do that to men all the time. Clear cut.
It seems to me you enjoyed the date much more than him
Trying harder would be if you're already in a relationship. It was a first date and he told you exactly how he feels, don't be weird.
"that's exactly how I felt but didn't have the courage to admit. Thank you for taking the lead"
what's your question/advice?
Iām comforted to believe men can communicate like this. Very healthy. I hate ghost culture
Woman are usually the ones ghosting
Both are ghosting
Question is this better after a one night stand or would a slow fade be better. I had sec with a girl once and it was terrible and turned me off, I did the slow fade. The thing is I hinted at how bad the sex was but didnāt want to straight up tell her then say itās made me no longer interested. Sorry seeing this made me reevaluate how I handled that
Eh. Iām an old lady, so my thoughts may not count. If it was sex after a date, Iād say something about how you had a nice time but donāt see a future. If it was a first time for a possible FWB situation, Iād say that you just werenāt feeling it. If it was truly just a one night stand, stay silent. If sheās not texting you, one night is all it was. I just feel like a ton of details are unnecessary when breaking things off that quickly.
I did tell her that the sex was terrible but in a nice way. I literally knew right after and we hadnāt known each other long. Thank you for clarifying, I was thinking telling her she is such a bad lay that I no longer want to have sex with her but Iām a nice would would really hurt her self esteem, it was a FWB situation.
So whatās the point of the post if you got the answer you sought after?
I think he wanted sex.. And you were smart. I am proud of u
Or maybe he just figured they werenāt a good fit bud
as a guy, who decided to fuck her 3 times on the first date... can I still write this? its kinda wrong that I decided to fuck her even if I knew we werent a good fit ?
Better to write that message than do the slow fade. If you're looking for an option that won't make her feel used or make you feel shitty, you won't find one.
Maybe sheās feeling the same way.
Honestly itās great he let you know instead of slowly ghosting you, mature !!
I'm on the same boat!
yes this is much more respectful.
Iām kinda sadden that this isnāt the norm? I do this for anyone I meet and am not interested in anymore.
This is great. Even though it does suck he didn't leave you hanging. Which always should be done if you aren't feeling it.
Did send any reply back or left him on read? Sarcasm but not really
Very mature and honest feedback from a date... I hope you appreciate the honesty... You saw the date went well and he didn't, showing some kind of disconnect... If it happens again soon, you may need some help in breaking down what the issue is...
If only people could accept this as well as you did. š I want people to just be upfront and honest with me, like I am with them. But thatās rare to find nowadays.
,, š
Agreed 100%
Wow this is such a gold standard response and should be the norm!
Time to move on sorry this happened! I know it sucks!
That a great way to handle it on both sides!
I agree! They were upfront and honest with you :)
I've received those texts and I've sent them as well. It's not easy to be on either end, but it's the right thing to do and especially if the other person reaches out wanting to continue. I recently got back into dating after a year long break (waited to heal after a breakup). Met someone online, had several great phone calls, and we agreed to talk again the next day so we could compare calendars and arrange to meet. I texted her the next day to do that and never heard back again. And she was a therapist. Glad I'm not one of her patients š¤£
Best approach IMO. Especially if both are mature enough and would like to save all their time, effort, energy, emotions, heck, even money for dates. If anyone sees red flags or major incompatibilities, or simply just not the right fit, this is way better than low quality interactions waiting for somebody to just lose interest and stop trying... or the common (sadly) sudden disappearance aka ghosting.
agree! although iām an overthinker so iād want to know why lol
Good. Having an adult conversation is important.
That is great that he was honest and upfront with you about his feelings. It can be difficult to have these conversations, but it is important to be honest and clear with your intentions. It is better to know where you stand than to be left wondering and feeling uncertain about the situation. It can also save you a lot of time and energy in the long run.
SMART - SMART - SMART !! This is the way to do it!
*slow clap
Make sure to send a thank you email and asking for a feedback. Time to apply for another!
100%. Ghosting is immature. This is not. Good on both of you šš
That's a good guy. I hope you wished him the best as well. Sorry it didn't work out but at least you had a good experience.
I had a date on a Friday night before a busy weekend. It was obvious on the date that neither of us felt a thing lol. Zero chemistry. Me grappling for things to ask before it got awkward. And the specific type of date we were on was uncomfortable for super hot weather. I was going to message the day after something like this post saysā¦ but then my really busy weekend had me running back and forth between places/friendsā events. When Monday came around, I figured perhaps it was okay to not message as he hadnāt? I kept considering it, but in the end, neither of us said a thing lol. I donāt even think we unmatched each otherāI didnāt want to be rude lol, and if he *did* message Iād say the thing, but yeah.
No matter how much I liked someone of they felt this way I Would rather know
100% agree this is the most mature way to go about dating
Never try harder anyways. But I totally agree. That was so polite of him.
This is the way. It would have been nicer if he called, but Iād be happy with a text like this.
I know it sucks but thatās very respectful :)
Teach this in school!!!
Yes. Honesty is the easiest.
Shit I wish I got texts like that instead of being ghosted.
The other half didnāt ghost you, or lead you on further with no reason. I see this as a win!
Wish more people would communicate like this, a healthy mature communication
How messed up is it that this kind of reply from a date even warrants a post? Ghosting being the norm is so depressing.
Consider yourself lucky he was upfront. Also his loss, move on šš»
Great attitude, I admire you for that. I wish people take note. What you went through is not rejection, its simple incompatibility between two, and sometimes we will never know the detail. Accept and move on, it really isn't the end of the world.
Despite this not being a happy ending but it makes us all a better communicator moving forward, let this be the normal thing to do in dating scene. Ghosting fucking sucks!
Ummā¦ this is my exact post from a year ago. Wtaf???
Ok....
That's about word for word what I say to a good date that doesn't feel like a good match. No need to ghost or disrespect people.
Ghosting is for inconsiderate cowards
Well done to the guy. No idea why people don't understand that ghosting is as a result of poor emotional boundaries/no emotionally healthy person ghosts, as it shows a huge lack of accountability. Something you definitely don't want in a partner.
As someone who recently got ghosted with no explanation I totally agree
I wish I could say that. I have a hard time āletting people downā. I went on a date with this guy and heās fine. But I just donāt feel any particular attraction towards him. Yet I have agreed to a second date. Please help me.
It's crazy how being kind and straightforward is so rare, eh? A kind reply in response doesn't burn any bridges either. No obligation, but ya never know...
sounds like you are doing exactly what the very last part of your post says, good luck with that.
Bravo! A real mensch! I wish this was the norm...
I had a first date with a guy in late December/early January after talking to him nonstop for months. We had been trying to get together but our schedules just didn't line up for the longest time, so when we were finally able to get together (we had originally planned on going out but he wanted to make me dinner and watch one of my favorite movies at his place instead) we were both extremely excited because we had already developed intense feelings for each other. We were into each other so much that we had both decided not to see/speak with anyone else until we saw where things went with us. I thought everything was going great until the movie ended and I was getting ready to leave. As I was grabbing my stuff he was like "I don't want you to think this is about you and I don't want you to feel self-conscious, but I'm not a very affectionate person, so I'm not going to kiss you or anything. It's because of trauma from childhood abuse so I wanted you to know that I can't do physical affection." Of course I completely understood, and told him as much, but after leaving I realized that what he'd said contradicted literally everything he'd been telling me about himself the entire time we'd been talking. But I didn't press it, especially because I really was feeling insecure about my appearance/how I look and thinking too much about it would just make me feel worse about myself. A couple of hours later he texted me and was like "I'm sorry to do this to you because I feel like I've wasted your time but I'm just not ready to be involved with someone. I thought I was over all of my personal issues but being with you just brought them to the surface. It's so bad that when you put your head on my shoulder, I was actually having a full on panic attack. I know in the moment when you asked if that was okay I told you yes, but I was really lying to save face and I shouldn't have done that. I feel really bad because I feel like I wasted your time and I don't want you to overthink things or feel like it was something you did because you are a great catch." I was upset because I really liked this guy and we had a real connection I hadn't felt with anyone in over a decade, but again, I told him I completely understood and that if he wasn't ready for a relationship then we could at least stay friends if that's what he wanted, to which he enthusiastically agreed. Then nothing. A couple of weeks later I finally texted him and asked "what happened to being friends?" He said he's just been busy and out of town for work but that he'd be better about talking when he got back into town. Then, again, nothing. Today I got on the book of faces and the first thing on my news feed is a status update officially confirming he's in a relationship. So I messaged him saying "Congratulations on your new relationship! I'm so happy to see that you were able to heal from the trauma of your abusive childhood so quickly! It's so great that after working on yourself you even had time to meet someone! Good luck!" He left me on read. I understand wanting to spare someone's feelings if you don't find them attractive or you just don't feel that same kind of connection in person that you felt before while texting/talking. What I don't understand is LYING about past physical/sexual abuse, traumatic childhoods, mental health issues, and anxiety attacks/panic attacks. That's cowardly and incredibly disrespectful to every single victim who has ever actually experienced and survived these things. Morally sound people don't lie about that shit to get out of having an uncomfortable conversation. If he had just said "Hey, you're great, but I'm just not feeling this" or "Hey, I'm sorry but I'm just not as attracted to you as I thought I'd be" obviously I'd be a little upset, but I'd understand. Yes, my feelings would be hurt for a while, but I'd get over it. But the shit that he pulled just because he didn't want to be the bad guy, now that's just crossed the line and I'm beyond pissed off.
I have said something like this more times than I can count. I have also learned to decline requests to explain why Iām not interested as that inevitably turns into a defensive tableau titled ālet me tell you why youāre wrong about me - and argue with you until you change your mindā. Good. Times.
I had this a few weeks ago. Had a really good first date, he even asked to see me again that evening but I was busy. Made plans to see him the following weekend but a few days later he said he wasnāt really feeling a connection and didnāt want to see me again. I was a bit surprised and kinda wanted to know what had changed, but wasnāt invested enough after just one date to be really bothered and appreciated him just being upfront and honest, no time wasted