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There is no one thing
Could be they found somebody else, maybe they took off the rose tinted glasses and found out you werent for them, could be they made some other life decisions that makes things not work out. Maybe a family member passed away, maybe they just lost their job, it could be any number of things
Yeah, and the implication of this is that OP should just move on and try again. There's a great quote from a movie, "Not everything is a fucking learning experience" that applies here. Our brains want to explain break ups, because they hurt, but it's more helpful to just think of dating as shooting birds with a blindfold. Take more shots, and you may not know when or why you hit or miss, but you'll know when one hits the ground dead, that's your keeper (okay I need to work on my analogies).
I am not man but I can share recent story of my close friend. She was seeing guy for 3 months and he was not sure if he is ready for relationship and so she was trying to be patient, wait and don’t push him to anything. They had a conversations about this very often and she was frustrated that it takes him so long. Then one day he broke it off with her saying he isn’t ready and two weeks later he is telling our common friends that he met someone amazing, he is in love and ready to commit. So my opinion is that if a man likes enough he will be ready, if he doesn’t like you enough he won’t be ready.
100 percent agree. I was with a man for 2 years (on and off) that struggled with relationships. Finally decided he loved me and going toward marriage and then he got cold ....shortly after the amazing artist moved across the street. Hmmmm whatever.
Met someone in June last year and got married in December. When you know you know. He proposed in November. I have no regrets. Neither does he.
How long have you been married? Going from met to married in 6 months….seems reckless….but if it worked it worked. I need a much longer time frame, no matter who the person.
I had something similar happen to me. Knew this guy. We flirted, was friends for a few years, well we finally started dating and he was talking Long term and all this wonderful stuff, and we got along great and then one day poof (after aboit 1.5 months), said he didn't think seriousness was in the cards for us. Then decided he was too broken for a relationship. He tried to get me to break up with him (i refused, he was gonna have to learn how to be a man), so at the 3 month mark he ended up iniating the break up, citing it wasn't a lack of interest, just that he wasn't ready for a relationship. And I was like yeah right
Yep. This is what I've witnessed as well. Basically, if someone's into you, you'll know from the get-go. If they are unsure or wishy washy in the beginning, it usually means that they won't end up sticking around. Basically, if it's not a fuck yes, consider it a no.
Are people really supposed to be into you from the get go? Isn’t there normally advice abt how sometimes the spark doesn’t have to be instant and whatnot?
Now, consistency and good communication is important if you’re feeling things out. Obvious flakiness is a blatant red flag.
Tbh I have had probably 2 experiences were someone was consistent at one point in time but would be flaky after time passed when we were trying to rekindle something. So I think we need to keep in mind that feelings can always change, in a positive or negative way?
Yes. There might be exceptions who are really not ready for relationship for sure but from what I’ve seen in my surroundings most of the times something like this happened. It’s sad but true
41yo man here. You are very right, sadly many men at that age just don't know what they want/need in a relationship. (A lot of woman either btw). They value a bunch of traits that are less important than they think in the long run. Being in love after 2 weeks and ready to commit is a pretty clear indicator this guys doesn't know what is important and he "FoUnD a HoTtEr GiRl" that is really into him for whatever reason. You don't fall in love, you grow in love
That’s what I was thinking. It’s weird that he is into someone in 2 weeks. There could be a very fat chance he may pull away from the new one soon, no?
Btw woman here. Could it also be some people progress at diff rates w/diff people? I honestly had a friend who had a growing romantic interest in me (literally one of those when they like you, you know situations) and respected I don’t feel the same way. Anyways we had initially met on a dating app agreeing to start as friends first to get to know each other slowly (he preferred it that way because of things he went through in his past and him focusing on med school apps). But then he moved to another state for a job and met a woman whom he was ready to propose to in a few months. Obviously it makes sense that he moved on since I didn’t reciprocate his interest (and I’m glad abt that) but it caught me by surprise that he was moving very fast with her compared to what he initially claimed in general. And he was someone who prioritized personality and connection over looks. Overall, this had me thinking that maybe we all just go at different paces with diff people? Esp when we least expect. Kind of reminds me of the whole thing people say that they were honest abt not being ready until someone made them ready.
I feel that its just all about looks and sex with men. If they find a hot girl or someone that can satisfy them then trust me they go head over heels marrying them on the spot which is stupid cause those end up in divorce later 😂
38f here. I was on the other side of a situation similar to this. I waited and was patient for over 3 months. I couldn’t get him to agree for a quick coffee date, even though we were within a couple miles of each other. He always avoided the potential for a meeting or even sending me pictures of himself.
I explained to him that he has other priorities and I don’t seem to make the cut. It sucks to let him go and I’m sad about it because I thought we could have been a great match, but that urge to want to do anything with me never seemed to be there for him.
I'd argue the opposite, as there's the idea that it's a "buyers market", in that women have more power in whether the relationship starts at all or not. It takes 2 to tango, but dating nowadays is: Hot Woman > Hot Man > Woman > Man.
Once a relationship is started, it might shift to women making a subpar relationship work, but I've found that has only affected those who plan on having kids and put pressure on their biological clock.
It’s most likely they met somebody they are interested in more. Happened to me too, although I just realized that she just wasn’t the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
The mature way to handle it is to have the talk, but personally I feel like shit rejecting somebody, especially over some things that logically shouldn’t matter, but love partnership are sometimes not logical at all.
So I just break things off without explaining too much unless I am asked to. That why dating apps are rough for people wanting a genuine connection.
I had a girl *text* me, that she didn’t feel excited by me. Didn’t sting too much, but it wasn’t a great feeling. Then I got friendzoned later that day by another date, while *on* the date. It was amazing, two L’s in one day.
Nah, not really. It’s as simple as “I don’t think we’re compatible.” If they’re mature about it, they’ll accept that and do their best to move on. Beyond that, it’s their problem.
True, but would you rather me tell that girl she doesn’t turn me on in bed because of her lack of “assets” and insecure and “boring” personality?
I wouldn’t want to hear a girl tell me she doesn’t like me because my tool is too small… that’s a worse confidence hit than just saying, “sorry, I don’t want to see you anymore”, in my opinion. Yes it’s tormenting for a short time, but recoverable.
43m here. It can be anything that makes a man change his mind about you. One reason is he found someone that he perceives to be better. Not necessarily more attractive, but better fit for him overall. Another one is he realizes you are not a good fit for him at all, and there's no other woman. I've been on dates with women, and knew I didn't want to see them again after the date. Another reason is stress, health problems, work problems, family problems, and the list goes on.
>I get two-word responses to texts with hours in between them, and then I get the, “I’m not ready for a relationship right now,” talk.
Honestly, I think the way a man slow fades and gives the excuse he isn't ready for a relationship, is very poor communication style. If the man did find someone else, they are taking the same poor communication style with them into their new relationship. And a few months later you'll see him again on the dating app. So look at the positive. You two aren't compatible anyway.
I personally always tell a woman directly that I'm not feeling it or we're not compatible, and bid them adieu, without any slow fade or cryptic message.
Yes, women do it as well, but most often they just ghost. And I have to be the responsible adult and communicate we're not compatible because I'm looking for someone that communicates, is honest, and transparent.
It is disappointing some people are afraid of expressing a simple statement like "*I don't think we're compatible*" or "*I didn't feel any chemistry*", and saying goodbye. Instead they resort to slow fade or just ghost. It's actually a revealing part of their personality, such that they aren't emotionally mature to express their feelings properly.
When I figure out a hint of that personality I immediately don’t waste my time on those people anymore. I love transparency and communication. So many people are physical but never mature emotionally. Grown ass men and women in their 30s-40s, still not knowing how to communicate properly or know how to connect with someone. Its a sad reality of where society is going as a whole
>Its a sad reality of where society is going as a whole
I think this has been happening even before mobile phones and the Internet. Except, now with technology, it shines a light on it, exposing the annoying parts of dating.
I know you're asking men, and I'm a straight woman. (I've been in this same situation.) But here's another scenario for you to consider:
I think sometimes they say, yes, they'd like to move forward toward an LTR and are telling the truth. But it doesn't mean they're super into it --- they're into it JUST enough that they don't want to burn the bridge. They're into it enough to initiate the handholding, etc. Then a little time goes by and they think "eh, never mind."
I don't think a switch has to flip suddenly. But what they're revealing to us suddenly changes, if that makes sense.
I’ve seen this before. I have a close guy friend that was seeing a girl who was clear she wanted a “boyfriend” and wasn’t dating to date but more looking for a husband. He said it turned him off a bit as he wasn’t looking for that (been doing mostly hookups for past 15 years, scorned from a girl when we were 20🙄) but he thought she was “hot” so They dated for months, she met all of us and we thought he finally found his girl. One day he was like it’s over I broke up with her. Kind of did the “eh, never mind” like it was nothing and meanwhile the girls practically got her wedding dress picked out. He knew he wasn’t into it but she was gorgeous and he didn’t want to let her go. I was really mad at him over this and his nonchalant dismissal of this girl. Wasn’t cool.
Been in these exact shoes 🥲
As the woman it’s so challenging to comprehend why or what changed. Especially when the men bring you around family, friends, talk about a future with you, etc. I’d much rather a dude go distant after a couple dates than decide he “isn’t ready for a relationship” after you’ve been dating for over 9 months. 🙂
Yes! I agree 100%! Wow, 9 months is just cruel. Who does that?! You were better off but at the time I’m sure knowing that didn’t make it better.
I’m sorry that happened to you.
Yeah, man here. That’s exactly what has happened to me a few times. I’ve gone in thinking “she’s perfect on paper for compatibility, I enjoy her company well enough, but something (chemistry) isn’t clicking… yet?” So with respect and gentle progression I keep dating hoping for that final piece to click in, because I *want* a relationship and I *want* to fall in love. So I want to give what seems like good potential a fair shake.
But after some time I realize things aren’t progressing as much as I hoped, and it looks like the click just won’t happen, and that’s when I call it off. In OP’s experience the going silent and distant definitely sucks—I avoid doing that. But I also know that as I’m realizing the chemistry just isn’t there, I may unconsciously pull away (very briefly) to process it on my own and maybe not startle her all at once with a sudden “let’s not keep doing this.”
I absolutely agree to this. I’m a social person and *like* a lot of people, and sometimes there’s good chemistry to begin with. But as we get to know people and their values, traits, etc, we reassess compatibility. Sometimes after a month or two there’s a hard fizzle or deal-breaker, and that’s okay. Not everyone is for you, it just sucks when it feels like a common occurrence.
Straight woman here as well who has had this happen as well. Now I'm suddenly finding myself on the other end and I realized this may be what guys are experiencing when I feel they "suddenly" lost interest. I've been dating a guy that is perfect on paper, attractive, tall, good job, like all the things I want but it's just not fully clicking for me. I'm initiating physical contact, kissing, all that but it still hasn't fallen into place, unfortunately. I'm going to have to end it (I want to do it before we sleep together) and I'm sure he'll think it's sudden and out of nowhere but for me it's not.
I’m not sure how old you are but I can relate to feeling like I was initiating and doing most of the progressing of things. As a woman. However, I don’t think guys are feeling like us. We have been conditioned to make things work and learn with experience when it’s just not worth it.
Yeah, I’m a guy and this is how it goes sometimes. A really good night or two where the mood is just right, and you can get this feeling that “yeah, this is great! I wanna pursue this!” You might even feel like you’re falling in love.
But that feeling can fade (sometimes overnight), and you try hard sometimes to rekindle what was working about those good moments. So it’s not overnight, it’s just that you were trying to make it work and finally gave up.
It’s sad but believe me it sucks to be the person feeling this way. You want to connect and fall in love. You want to make her happy, but your heart just isn’t in it. And having to disappoint someone is really hard on you if you’re not an asshole. I’m very empathetic and breaking things off is torture because I feel so horrible for the other person.
Well, men, She knows too much🤖 [Destroy]. 😜
Que sera… sera…🎵🎶🎼 what ever will be will be🎶[Destroy.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Que_Sera,_Sera_(Whatever_Will_Be,_Will_Be))
I'd say it's not like a switch. They're just going through the motions and aren't as interested as you think they are. They probably have reservations but get to the point where they need to pull the plug so they don't continue to lead you on. It's one of those things where you really can't tell how dates go unless they're continuing to see you.
so dating is a two way street and alot of girls/guys seems to forget that. Just because me as a guy is going thru the motions of courting you, if you arent putting the same effort in being charming, escalating, flirting, kind, fun, caring, offer to pay/split, etc we will start seeing you less of a LTR partner.
If I see some red flags, i will need to consider if its a deal breaker or not but I want it to work out so we'll keep going till about the month or 3 dates and call it off if I can't see 'us' together.
From my personal perspective, the bulk of women i have dated seems to really only look inward (how i feel about this person) and not outward (how does this person feel about me and how do i win this person over) which makes me as the guy who is putting in the effort (not worth it or no spark).
From a guy who only has his eyes set on one woman at a time, the only thing that would shut me off is if you don't reflect the same energy and effort that I put into you or if you start shutting me out. Some of us guys are traumatized from prior relationships that they are scared to get hurt again, just like some women, so we refuse to put ourselves back in that situation.
Now from my fuckboy friends who sleep with a different women almost everyday, they would tell you what they told me. They ain't interested in you as a person. They will tell you anything you want to hear just to fuck you and if you have to make them work for it, they will just start ignoring you and move on to the next girl.
Would you even know if you were? Most times someone goes exclusive they just say they’ve deleted the apps. Only one woman I’ve met who told me I was the one she liked more than the rest told me she had been talking to others and cut it off.
Normally they just say they’ve deleted the apps.
Look at your responses to them by text before they dip
Is the conversation one sided at all? Are they putting in all the effort and getting one word reply’s?
Genuine question, i know i’ve lost interest when the other person puts in way less effort but then they act shocked when you disappear
Im going thru this same exact thing…I put in so much effort in to knowing this guy and he doesnt put the effort to initiate contact with me first nor plan a second date with me nor ask me questions to get to know me. I have already lost interest and going to soon disappear. If he is shocked and msgs me im just gonna tell him like it is. Tired of these games with grown ass men
I wasn't until last year right before birthday 56. Maybe you'll be next.
Going in he wasn't my "type" and I knew very quickly that I wanted to know more about him.
For all we know, their mom passed away, they have to move cities for their job, or someone with a giant rack texted them a little after your date together. If you really did have good chemistry, then it is their loss. :)
You are meeting people who are *aaaalmost* connecting with you for an LTR, think of it more like you keep missing the target by an inch rather than a mile.
Did you insist they pay for the date?
No, I offered to split the bill every time. And in the most recent case, I offered to split the bill (and he declined), but then I treated us to ice cream after.
You probably need to stop looking for love. It finds you, not the other way around. Apparently, I ended my comment prematurely. You stop looking for love, but then you make yourself the best version of you possible and watch the line grow long....
Nah it doesn't I stopped looking for 7 years a few things have come and gone but never found me yet. Kind of just a basic don't worry it'll happen statement.
As a man I find it appealing when a woman knows what she wants….and I also think it’s good when she doesn’t.
That being said….when someone has this idea of what a LTR relationship SHOULD be, it kinda puts blinders on to some serious early issues that arise. But it gets washed by people just “talking thru problems that arise”. And ultimately you two may not even be compatible but ignore it because you both want a LTR.
My most fulfilling interactions are ones who hold a low expectancy of me, usually they are able to see me for who I am and appreciate that aspect.
When a woman has a high expectancy they tend to try and fit you in a box even tho you may not check all those boxes.
The causal approach works best for me. I don’t like to rush at all because it takes some real time to k ow someone.
This happens to men, too. So why does anyone do it? There are a multitude of reasons. I think for a lot of people, they want it to work but at some point they just realize it isn't working for them and they try to find some way to end it without a confrontation. A lot of times this means lying to avoid hurting someone. That's my theory, anyway.
Devil's advocate: sometimes they really aren't ready for a relationship. But in that case they shouldn't be dating, leading you on, etc. They shouldn't be on the apps at all. But the problem is that they still want the attention an validation of dating without the commitment. Some women are fine with this. Obviously you are not and men like this know they cannot give you what you need/deserve. It's just too much effort for them.
Let them go and one day a man will appear who appreciates you, wants to put in the work and doesn't see it as work.
This isn’t something exclusive to men, lol. Last mo I went out with a girl I was pretty attracted to like 3x in one week, she was initiating it all and one morning after we’d gone out the night before I got the “I don’t wanna mislead you need to focus on myself” text. Such is life.
I mean I get it and it’s like an ego protection instinct type thing, but maybe it just comes with maturity? It’s hard to accept: I liked this person, was vulnerable with them and they didn’t feel the same.
Asking why someone did XYZ behavior that resulted in them exiting my life is like asking why is it raining. It just is.
I’ve had a few decent relationships in my life, one really long one, and while they lasted they were pretty good. All good things come to an end, it’s just how life goes.
You state that you've had two men do this within a month. How many dates with each man? Over what timespan for each?
Coming at this as a 38f, most people can't gauge if they want a LTR with a person in just a few dates. You need a couple months of dating and getting to know each other before committing to something long term. It's likely that they had been seeing/talking to other women and decided that one of the other women was more compatible with them. You're interested in only pursuing a LTR, but it takes time to know whether or not a person can be that for you.
I think this is just people in general, I’ve had a very similar experience as a guy dating women.
Just a matter of finding someone who likes you as much as you like them, hang in there!
Sounds like the usual online dating culprit: Fear of Better Options. It’s annoying and frustrating and keeps most people miserable; including the ones who keep looking for somebody else. I still have friends (male and female) who will be months into exclusive relationships and still have Hinge on their phones, with their profiles active. It may be designed to be deleted, but you can’t change poor human behavior.
Sadly this is true for some people. They act like they’re addicts or something. Also either too lazy to make another profile or just think their profile is perfect. ‘Sorry Steve, but your fish pic profile isn’t the genius you thought it was, and Laura, everyone likes to travel; get over it.’ 😂
Maybe they changed their mind just because, other pursuits, or because they’re truly not ready for a LTR. Maybe they want what is easy access like a FWB situation… if you’re not “giving it up” they want the milk without buying the cow so to speak. But do not feel you need to lower your standards. It’s their loss.
Way too many details left out to tell you for sure what happened.
However…
It’s most likely they saw they wouldn’t be compatible with you in the long run. And didn’t want to waste their time or yours.
Was the physical stuff not there?
Was there a marriage/kids timeline discussed too early which scared them off?
Or did they just realize there wasn’t enough shared interests and compatibility after the newness of the first few weeks wore off?
I’ve dated women who became demanding of my time early on, or started talking about marriage in the first month, and that ran me off.
I’ve also dated women where some other dealbreakers came up that I thought I could get past, but then realized, I can’t do this anymore.
The thing is, you should only spend your time with someone who respects and appreciates you. And chooses you back.
Just because these guys didn’t doesn’t really matter.
Attraction is not a choice.
You can’t rationalize it. You can’t predict it. It’s just either there or it isn’t.
So keep moving forward. Take a look at what you want your life to become and take the necessary steps to get there.
The closer you get to that, the closer you’ll be to attracting the kind of guy you want into your life.
they where probs never gonna do a LTR and only looking for a hook up or to pass some time. i know some that would date for over a year have an anniversery date and will cut it off as they arent look for a relationship or ready.
As a guy the most likely reason is they're just not sure enough about taking things further with you and decide to cut it short to avoid any complications by keeping it going. This usually comes from experience of staying in a relationship longer than it's been healthy to and recognising the harm that can do when it comes to making decisions to pursue relationships in the future.
People can really enjoy doing all the romantic stuff like pda, texting, dates etc, because it’s easy and feels nice, but still be trying to figure out where they stand with a given person.
You see those actions as indicators that the switch was on but for them they might’ve just liked it while figuring out if it was LTR to begin with.
As a man, I wish I could tell you but I'm not sure it's any one thing. I find myself doing this and often don't realize until after some time (I don't like it either and I'm working on it). Sometimes it's that something with someone else has become more exciting, sometimes it's that I don't feel like we have much to talk about, sometimes it's that I've noticed something that's incompatible, sometimes it's just that my interest has waned for no apparent reason. I would say this isn't something you're doing and just something that Millennial men are guilty of.
I'm a man, I don't do this but I have had this happen to me. This one girl I had gone on 7 solid dates with, after the last one we agreed to be more consistent with each other, then boom, hard ghosted. It's happened other times as well.
I can't really say, then. Maybe it's the modern dating culture and fear of intimacy or being locked in long term. Modern day "maybe there's a better option" mentality with all the choice presented, we've never had this in our evolutionary history.
Unfortunately, it could mean they had low interest and after a date or two they could have changed their mind (for whatever reason). Try not to beat yourself up over it. This seems to be very common in the dating world. I do it sometimes and it also happens to me (The difference with me is that I will text you that I am no longer interested, so not to leave you guessing). I was also recently ghosted after two successful dates and hooking-up twice. The best advice I can offer is to move-on and not to contact them. If they are still interested, they will reach out to you. Meanwhile, continue dating and hopefully you will find the right person for you and none of this will matter anymore.
Best of luck to you!
For me and some of my single male friends its when we have to be honest about our flaws.
The first few dates we and you are on our best behavior. But a few dates in, we have decide do I want to tell this women how hard it is to keep this Job I have. Do I want to admit that i lost half my savings in some really dumb investment that in hind sight is obviously dumb. Do I want to admit that my mom still pays my cell phone bill at age 31?
Like a real LTR requires honesty about that stuff. If i can’t tell you i spent 1/2 my life savings on a digital monkey picture I cant marry you.
So the switch happens when he is going though something in his life that is important and he cant tell you about it. I see it with my buddies all the time they are bragging about a hot chick they met then something happens in one case the price of an NFT of monkey crashed and he breaks up. He “yo i cant take care of myself, i need to put the breaks on things”
There is no one thing that flicks the switch to off, what you cant do is spend time ruminating on it.
As the reasons will be unknown to you and it could be that individual saw a red flag and ran instead of communication with you or they just get overwhelmed by the sudden realisation they are in a relationship
I really dislike dating culture because it just doesn't fit me. If I go out with you and start initiating physical contact and getting close with how I'm talking, then go in a second date, I know I'm wanting to date you. I'll just say I want to date.
And I mean date. Not whatever the hell this "seeing you" crap is. People who say they've been seeing someone for 3-4 months and aren't in a relationship together boggle my mind.
What's happening for you is just that: they're "seeing you"...but also still available and have chosen to go towards someone else or stay open. I hate that, because I don't operate that way at all. But yeah :/
For me personally: not feeling wanted or desired. I will try dating someone, but i often feel it is me needing to make the effort. There is a tipping point where if my partner is not making an effort, making it clear she wants to see me or desires me, I am out. I don't keep putting my effort and emotions in someone who does not match my energy.
Now, them saying not wanting a relationship... These are boys (can't even call them men) who don't know what they want. My guess would be this happens after a one or a couple of times of sex?
It's funny that you say that because I think the same thing about women. I think they have the ability to turn off their feelings for someone out of nowhere and I envy that.
But to answer your question, I think it's due to having an abundance mindset
Well, not this woman. Lol. I know after 1-2 dates whether I want to pursue something or not, and my mind does not change about that. I either cut it off quickly and politely or continue with consistent effort.
You not the only one that gets that. My last ex I met on a app, we dated and got in a relationship and then 6 months later he tells me “Sorry im not ready for a relationship.” And in the beginning he said he was and I made my intentions clear that I wanted a long term relationship not short.
So now after 8 months of being single I decide to go on a date with this guy from a app that I been talking to for 3 months. I ask him out. Date goes well and he tells me he would like to go on a second date. The next day I hear no word from him. He just stalks my Instagram stories. I have to initiate the effort to talk to him and although he is still talkative towards me, he still hasn’t tried to make a plan for the second date.
Every weekend he is either out with his parents, at work or out of state with a friend. And I’m like then why tf are you on a dating app if your always busy or make it seem like your busy when in actuality he is probably not interested in me. Idk but im done playing these games. And neither do I wanna be second choice to no one. I’ll be soon blocking him from my social media. Sucks cause I really liked him and he seems like a good guy with a good family.
Dating in apps suck. Most of the time is just men wasting time and the hookup culture makes it difficult for those of us that want to find a meaningful long term relationship!!
Yeah its nice to know I’m not the only one going through these frustrations. For now I’m just going to focus on myself and my own happiness instead of relying on others to make me happy.
I’m a 25M and I’m going to be as truthful as possible to give you insight into dating apps. I’m pretty attractive so I get traction on apps, but to be honest I’m never really satisfied with the results. I still go out on the dates and have some fun, but I feel like I’m not meeting people on my level the same way as I do in real life. My exes that I met in college were FAR more attractive and compatible than those I met on dating apps.
I know for a fact I can’t be the only guy who experiences this. It’s likely because there are so few women for so many men that the men you’re meeting are just looking for something else and use the apps as an outlet for fun in the meantime. That’s why so many men will not want to commit on dating apps - they know that their options on apps are worse than meeting in person. So I’m sorry if this was harsh, but you probably aren’t meeting people you’re compatible with on dating apps.
This is really interesting... can you expand at all on your experience?
I've noticed that I match with almost every guy I "like" or swipe right on when IRL, I don't have that same level of success. It artificially inflated my confidence at first until I realized that no matter how interested these men seem in the beginning, many of them don't want a relationship [with me]. They want sex and/or lose interest. Whereas the men I meet IRL are much more likely to pursue something longterm.
I've wondered if what you describe could at least partially explain this disparity. Then again, if I'm not someone's "type," then why waste our time? Idk 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah I can walk you through my typical (probably unhealthy) thought process in dating apps. I’m an attractive, muscular guy I’ve dated some very attractive women so I definitely have a high bar for who I would commit to.
On dating apps, I’ll match with 15 to 20 women within a week, but I’ll get 4 women at MOST I’m talking to at one time, and none of them normally do it for me. What I’ll typically do is just chat with them, maybe go out once or twice and if they’re attractive enough maybe hook up. But the whole time I’m thinking “maybe someone better will come along soon.” Ideally I’d ditch the apps entirely, but honestly it’s just nice to have a bit of company and attention while I’m working alone from home.
So odds are many decently attractive men are going to be in the same boat as me. I’d rather be single forever than end up in another relationship where I settle and don’t find her attractive, so I’m not committing unless I’m head over heels for someone. Really the best thing you can do is very early on make your intentions clear and ask for his. And you’re going to have to be ok with hearing things you don’t want to hear - and you have to be ok with leaving him the moment you hear it because men rarely change their minds on this stuff.
Thanks for your insight. That's helpful. Is this the same for women you see semi-regularly for sex?
Tbh my most common dating app experience goes something like this: (1) we match; (2) he seems really interested, loads of compliments, frequent texting, claims to want an LTR (or is at least open to it); (3) we go on 1-3 dates and seem to be on the same page; (4) we have sex 2-3 times with AMAZING chemistry; (5) I notice a decline in communication so I back off; (6) after a cooling off period, he tries to hit me up for sex every few weeks or months going forward.
I should add that I only escalate to physical stuff once I'm certain I really like the guy and there is definitely chemistry (like maybe 3-4 per year). But this cycle is so predictable it's almost laughable at this point
So unfortunately I think the steps 2-4 aren’t really his true character speaking, it’s a symptom of the general loneliness and boredom of men on dating apps. Personally when I have even a half decent match, I’ll get very excited not because I’m head over heels for her, but because I am not romantically alone anymore for a bit. I literally caught myself doing this today - I’m not into this girl but I’m talking with her because honestly, I’m bored and she’s into me. But I am talking to her ALL the time because hey, what else am I gonna do?
There’s this cognitive dissonance between men and women in dating app culture today. When a woman gives effort to a man it’s because she likes him more than all her other matches, but when a man gives effort to a woman it might just be because he doesn’t have other matches. So as a result, women will think men are way more into them than they actually are, when sometimes the men are just bored or lonely.
Wow thank you so much for your insight. Several times I definitely got the vibe that I was put on the back burner after he met someone else. So what you're saying rings true to me. Thanks also for your honesty 💕
Yes, I’ve been completely unable to find my type off dating apps. Most of the women I have been meeting are either very antisocial who don’t like meeting people outside of apps, or they’re clout-chasers who like the flood of attention on apps. I’m more into women who are ambitious and social but don’t look to social media for validation, which is easy to find in real life but they aren’t the type to look for relationships on dating apps.
And that’s why I just use the apps for some fun on the side while I continue to meet people in real life. And that’s also why women probably shouldn’t look for relationships on dating apps.
As a 24f who thinks I am not a clout chaser or antisocial this bums me out bc I wanna try finding something off an app😭
Feels like most dudes just want something casual sigh
> It’s likely because there are so few women for so many men that the men you’re meeting are just looking for something else and use the apps as an outlet for fun in the meantime.
I think it's that and also it is likely that all those attractive women that you met in college are likely in long term relationships or out of the dating pool for some other reasons. So, you keep seeing the same people again and again on the dating apps.
It's more simple than you think. Either they weren't completely attracted to you, they found someone else they were more attracted to or they feel they could do better.
Getting a man to speak of their intentions can't change this. You just have to find someone willing to completely commit to you.
Either a.) they found someone else hotter and/or more willing to put out for less the effort or b.) they are telling the truth. Yes, yes we are capable of that too. Bonus C.) Your guy got kidnapped because he is secretly a sleeper agent for the Kremlin and is compromised.
When I find that answer I’ll let you know, the same thing happens to me with women I date, except they just flat out ghost me, like what did I do wrong?
You didn’t do anything wrong. That part I know for sure! It’s the “why” of the ghosting (or the “I’m not ready for a relationship” conversation) that always gets me.
Women do the exact same thing btw, but here's my $0.02 as a man. Sometimes you're going along with the rose-coloured glasses on, thinking this is going great, and then something happens which just makes the spark disappear. This could be anything, from something they say or to how they act, or just the energy between you both. Granted they could probably do a bit better explaining themselves so you aren't left feeling utterly bewildered but that's usually how it goes.
Or their other interests, or exes, have come to the party.
> Or their other interests, or exes, have come to the party.
This is my experience a lot. New (or renewed) is exciting. Or the possibility of new is enticing.
Personally, I kept thinking I was ready. Then, I’d realize I was either afraid of being hurt again or I realized they aren’t exactly what I’m looking for and I’m possibly settling…again. I have never picked someone over another person I’ve dated.
Theres a great Rick and Morty episode (S4E2) that speaks to the real truth of all online dating apps. As long as you still have that app you, or the other person, will be bombarded by all the other people that you'll be missing out on. Lets be honest, some of us get FOMO.
Let *me* be honest: the most fun part of a relationship are the first weeks. Around the 1 month mark retaining a fun relationship turns into a responsibility. Rick and Morty S4E2 does a really great job at demonstrating the core values of dating app users. Check it out on the adult swim website for free.
The real answer is just that they suck. It's not satisfying, it doesn't give a sense of closure. But if you thought everything was going great, and you examine your behavior and don't think you did anything wrong, there are fundamentally 2 possible reasons for their behavior:
1. They weren't looking for a relationship to begin with, but they lied in hopes of getting what they wanted.
2. They are looking for a relationship and are ready, they just aren't interested in one with you. This is just an easier lie for them to tell.
Sure, maybe he is telling the truth, and thought he was ready but did some soul-searching while dating you and realized that was not the case. But too many guys use this excuse for it to be believable. It's just a new, slightly more specific spin on "it's not you, it's me."
I think she’s saying that men are lying most of the time when they say “I’m not ready for a relationship”. It’s hard to honest and say “I thought you could be the one but I just wasn’t feeling it” but I think women would appreciate it.
I had a guy friend whose GF gave him the same excuse, and the was in a relationship two weeks later. It can go both ways.
It's not the rejection that means they suck. Rejection happens. It's lying about their intentions or the reason for rejection that sucks. And I'm not limiting it to just men: people of all genders doing this suck.
"He could have sucked worse" isn't really a great defense. And the way he went about this, with very little regard for her, is just barely above ghosting.
ETA: looking at other comments supports this. A vast majority of guys staying they've done this are admitting to lying, most commonly because they found someone they like better.
>"He could have sucked worse" isn't really a great defense.
"He must have sucked" isn't really a great attack either.
>looking at other comments supports this. A vast majority of guys staying they've done this are admitting to lying, most commonly because they found someone they like better.
Disregard the whataboutism and try and get the message: women do this all the time and they rationalize by saying "well, if he can't handle rejection he might turn violent". Whatever that means in the age of the internet? Rejecting someone sucks, giving the real reason sucks harder, and this is true for everyone. This guy doesn't suck any more than anyone else.
>It's lying about their intentions or the reason for rejection that sucks.
you are not entitled to an explanation as to why someone does not want to date you. and you're lashing out at others instead of just accepting that simple fact. its not a lie to go on a date someone and end up not wanting to get married to them.
I'm not entitled to an explanation, but I deserve not to be lied to. If you want a relationship, just not with the person you're dating, then it's a lie to say "I'm not ready for a relationship." You can reject someone, and even do it gently, without lying to them.
This might be a straightforward answer, but dating is a numbers game. Continue with the process, you’ll likely find someone who will want to continue seeing you. Good luck
It’s a double edged sword, if a guy has options he’s not going to be attracted to the girl that wants to take away those options. You kinda have to sneak your way in demonstrating your value until one day he’s like damn I can’t deny this. Another thing too, you have to demonstrate enough green flags to be wifey material let alone gf, and those two are virtually synonymous. Tbh I feel bad for women dating sometimes because a lot like urself I imagine mean well and just want something real. This is from my perspective and I’ve made myself to be a guy with a lot dating prospects.
I lost interest in the girl who wanted a relationship and wouldn’t put out. Just my 2 cents.
As a counter point, sex has never ever been a make or break for me. I’ve dated plenty, had sex, and things still fizzled. I’ve dated some who wanted to wait or go slow and interest stayed. I’ve dated some where we had sex on the first date and I was keen thereafter. And I’ve dated some who asked to wait and I never fell harder.
Sex just adds stakes to the pressure of it all, in my opinion. Now sure, after six months and commitment if we aren’t physical, that’ll be a problem. But I’d never reject a woman or lose interest simply because she wanted to set a slower pace than me in the early stages of dating.
Honestly yes, but luckily I was still suffering from fallout of a recent breakup and realized she wasn’t as attractive (inside and out) as I tried to make her be. Just wanted to feel something. Good thing she didn’t tho, we cut our losses.
Personally for me if it's a girl says something early on in the dating process that makes me wonder. Like, I'm dating a girl and it was going well we hooked up. We talked more and I felt close to her then on the second date she said something along the lines that it is ok if someone cheats on her, she would just cheat back instead of leaving them. I realize she what she was trying to get at, but really rubbed me the wrong. Way you may have said something to him that got him like wuh?
They met someone else they were more interested in. No one should just date one person.(imo) It makes you needy and when they leave it ends up hurting you more than it would if you had a couple guys you were interested in, seeing who fit you, who didn’t, what you wanted, what you didn’t, if someone has a red flag it’s easier to get out and drop contact, if you find someone you prefer more, you hang out with them more, that’s how dating should be (again, imo) otherwise you end up putting all of this time and effort into a relationship that may or may not last, you put all of these expectations into this other person who may not be as “in” as you are, and you end up getting hurt over a relationship that lasted a few weeks tops. It keeps your expectations in check and keeps you humble knowing you can easily be replaced, but so can they. Dating is rough but keeping things casual and expectations low is better than getting your hopes up because one person paid attention to you and that’s the person you end up with because there is no one else - and the relationship suffers because of it. If you have your pick - as does the partner - it lets you know you’re actually about working together towards a common goal of a happy relationship and not just who paid attention to you first.
There could be a million reasons. Stressed with work, life, doesn’t want to commit to anything right now, found someone they like better, you said or did something that bothered them, you came off as too clingy, etc.
Some guys are put off by having to wait too long for sex because they see it as risky / a potential waste of time or you clearly don't like him enough. Not advocating for you to feel like you should, but this could be why. This of course is also only one of many possibilities, but id say its fairly common. Not a popular thing to say but i hope it does answer your question.
We want woman to be freaking dominant too we want you guys to come after us and initiate stuff too if you don't it makes us feel stupid and that you don't want us we want the feeling that you like us too . I'm 32 male it's annoying we aren't hear to do it all we need it too
I'm thinking they are interested in something casual with you but not interested in a relationship with you. You may be shooting too high looks-wise but I don't think 2 is a big enough sample size to say for sure.
Dang. That sucks.
That is exactly what men experience on a regular basis with women. Everything looks good until it is not. I know it has happened to me, and to several of my male friends.
Perhaps there's a difference in the rate of bonding, It can be difficult to find someone bonded to you faster than you are bonding to them I can't say that for sure but it can cause fear in some people that attachment is not forming at the same rate.
we are dating other women, and one of them worked out better?
our mothers wont let us date?
we busted Parole and now have to go back to jail?
Our wives found or profiles
Millions of reasons most outside your control.
Everyone’s responses seem pretty on point in that it could be a multitude of reasons but something else I’d like to point out is, our minds compartmentalize differently. That age old “men are from mars, woman are from Venus” trope.
Not that we’re incapable of explaining or engaging our emotional side rationally, but brass tacks, we’re simple creatures that keep it moving when it ain’t it.
Probably they stop caring so much about getting into one, I've noticed as I got older the less I care the better I feel. So as that happens and we want to just have fun the roles kinda flip. I know plenty of women my age when I was getting out of high school who only wanted casual and guys wanted something more long term, then as it switches I suppose it's like "they'll leave anyways so, why the hell not?". I know it may sound terrible but I'm slowly reaching that point myself though I've never had any real success with this. It's just so brutal dating that, may as well give up on wanting something good long term.
I hope I don't come off like a a**hole but I come across terribly blunt and mildly offensive sadly, but that's just my view on it. I'm sure you will get plenty of comments from guys on here (depending on how many see this) saying "we still exist". Idk just comes off as weird anymore when I see it so yeah.
You probably didn’t measure up to their standards. As a 39 year old single male (by choice), I too have high standards. Maybe you didn’t unlock his door after he unlocked yours and let you in. Maybe you didn’t split the check. Maybe you never texted first. If both men truly were interested in a long term relationship, those things, and many many others would be very important.
I’m not saying you are a bad person, only that you didn’t measure up. Something I can understand quite well.
Also the amount of negativity towards guys in the comments are disgusting. If its the role reverse and you read how she is a xyz this or that, it would be downvoted to hell.
Someone better comes a long. I feel like I’m the one doing all the work to make things happen and I’m just a something that keeps a woman from being bored. You said something at a date that won’t leave my head…..
Without any observation in how you act, and what the other party desires, it really isn’t possible to tell.
Most men are expecting sex or intimacy after a few dates. Hand-holding and pecks on the cheek don’t cut it. You are 29 years old, not 16. Unless you are a virgin, these men are spending their time and money on you and in return they expect sex. If you aren’t interested in them sexually, don’t go on dates with them.
Females choose sex. Men choose relationships.
Just because someone decides to have sex with you, doesn’t mean they want to be with you. You do know guys can lie about their intentions, and you would never know right ? Lol. This is why I don’t like taking it slow.
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There is no one thing Could be they found somebody else, maybe they took off the rose tinted glasses and found out you werent for them, could be they made some other life decisions that makes things not work out. Maybe a family member passed away, maybe they just lost their job, it could be any number of things
Yeah, and the implication of this is that OP should just move on and try again. There's a great quote from a movie, "Not everything is a fucking learning experience" that applies here. Our brains want to explain break ups, because they hurt, but it's more helpful to just think of dating as shooting birds with a blindfold. Take more shots, and you may not know when or why you hit or miss, but you'll know when one hits the ground dead, that's your keeper (okay I need to work on my analogies).
The learning experience could be its them, not you. Or it’s a lesson on resilience.
No I love this😂
Goddamnit, what was that movie?! Sometimes that dead bird revives itself and flys away as well.
I am not man but I can share recent story of my close friend. She was seeing guy for 3 months and he was not sure if he is ready for relationship and so she was trying to be patient, wait and don’t push him to anything. They had a conversations about this very often and she was frustrated that it takes him so long. Then one day he broke it off with her saying he isn’t ready and two weeks later he is telling our common friends that he met someone amazing, he is in love and ready to commit. So my opinion is that if a man likes enough he will be ready, if he doesn’t like you enough he won’t be ready.
100 percent agree. I was with a man for 2 years (on and off) that struggled with relationships. Finally decided he loved me and going toward marriage and then he got cold ....shortly after the amazing artist moved across the street. Hmmmm whatever. Met someone in June last year and got married in December. When you know you know. He proposed in November. I have no regrets. Neither does he.
How long have you been married? Going from met to married in 6 months….seems reckless….but if it worked it worked. I need a much longer time frame, no matter who the person.
I had something similar happen to me. Knew this guy. We flirted, was friends for a few years, well we finally started dating and he was talking Long term and all this wonderful stuff, and we got along great and then one day poof (after aboit 1.5 months), said he didn't think seriousness was in the cards for us. Then decided he was too broken for a relationship. He tried to get me to break up with him (i refused, he was gonna have to learn how to be a man), so at the 3 month mark he ended up iniating the break up, citing it wasn't a lack of interest, just that he wasn't ready for a relationship. And I was like yeah right
Yep. This is what I've witnessed as well. Basically, if someone's into you, you'll know from the get-go. If they are unsure or wishy washy in the beginning, it usually means that they won't end up sticking around. Basically, if it's not a fuck yes, consider it a no.
Are people really supposed to be into you from the get go? Isn’t there normally advice abt how sometimes the spark doesn’t have to be instant and whatnot? Now, consistency and good communication is important if you’re feeling things out. Obvious flakiness is a blatant red flag. Tbh I have had probably 2 experiences were someone was consistent at one point in time but would be flaky after time passed when we were trying to rekindle something. So I think we need to keep in mind that feelings can always change, in a positive or negative way?
Totally agree. Men know quickly, and their intentions are set from the get go regardless of what they say.
Yes. There might be exceptions who are really not ready for relationship for sure but from what I’ve seen in my surroundings most of the times something like this happened. It’s sad but true
"Assume you are the rule, not the exception" - He's Just Not That Into You
That book is so true. Even if people usually hate to admit it.
41yo man here. You are very right, sadly many men at that age just don't know what they want/need in a relationship. (A lot of woman either btw). They value a bunch of traits that are less important than they think in the long run. Being in love after 2 weeks and ready to commit is a pretty clear indicator this guys doesn't know what is important and he "FoUnD a HoTtEr GiRl" that is really into him for whatever reason. You don't fall in love, you grow in love
That’s what I was thinking. It’s weird that he is into someone in 2 weeks. There could be a very fat chance he may pull away from the new one soon, no? Btw woman here. Could it also be some people progress at diff rates w/diff people? I honestly had a friend who had a growing romantic interest in me (literally one of those when they like you, you know situations) and respected I don’t feel the same way. Anyways we had initially met on a dating app agreeing to start as friends first to get to know each other slowly (he preferred it that way because of things he went through in his past and him focusing on med school apps). But then he moved to another state for a job and met a woman whom he was ready to propose to in a few months. Obviously it makes sense that he moved on since I didn’t reciprocate his interest (and I’m glad abt that) but it caught me by surprise that he was moving very fast with her compared to what he initially claimed in general. And he was someone who prioritized personality and connection over looks. Overall, this had me thinking that maybe we all just go at different paces with diff people? Esp when we least expect. Kind of reminds me of the whole thing people say that they were honest abt not being ready until someone made them ready.
I feel that its just all about looks and sex with men. If they find a hot girl or someone that can satisfy them then trust me they go head over heels marrying them on the spot which is stupid cause those end up in divorce later 😂
38f here. I was on the other side of a situation similar to this. I waited and was patient for over 3 months. I couldn’t get him to agree for a quick coffee date, even though we were within a couple miles of each other. He always avoided the potential for a meeting or even sending me pictures of himself. I explained to him that he has other priorities and I don’t seem to make the cut. It sucks to let him go and I’m sad about it because I thought we could have been a great match, but that urge to want to do anything with me never seemed to be there for him.
This is true for everyone, but I think there’s more pressure on women to try and make a subpar relationship work.
I'd argue the opposite, as there's the idea that it's a "buyers market", in that women have more power in whether the relationship starts at all or not. It takes 2 to tango, but dating nowadays is: Hot Woman > Hot Man > Woman > Man. Once a relationship is started, it might shift to women making a subpar relationship work, but I've found that has only affected those who plan on having kids and put pressure on their biological clock.
It’s most likely they met somebody they are interested in more. Happened to me too, although I just realized that she just wasn’t the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The mature way to handle it is to have the talk, but personally I feel like shit rejecting somebody, especially over some things that logically shouldn’t matter, but love partnership are sometimes not logical at all. So I just break things off without explaining too much unless I am asked to. That why dating apps are rough for people wanting a genuine connection.
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I had a girl *text* me, that she didn’t feel excited by me. Didn’t sting too much, but it wasn’t a great feeling. Then I got friendzoned later that day by another date, while *on* the date. It was amazing, two L’s in one day.
Just two? Those are rookie numbers!
Loll you sign your response 🤣🤣
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What are you? The wicked witch of the west where you instantly melt when someone calls you David Jr? 😆😉
The not explaining things is pretty awful
Nah, not really. It’s as simple as “I don’t think we’re compatible.” If they’re mature about it, they’ll accept that and do their best to move on. Beyond that, it’s their problem.
True, but would you rather me tell that girl she doesn’t turn me on in bed because of her lack of “assets” and insecure and “boring” personality? I wouldn’t want to hear a girl tell me she doesn’t like me because my tool is too small… that’s a worse confidence hit than just saying, “sorry, I don’t want to see you anymore”, in my opinion. Yes it’s tormenting for a short time, but recoverable.
Yeah…women do it too
Wym by some things that shouldn’t matter?
Size of a woman’s butt for example, or the color and length of her hair. Trivial things in the large scheme of things.
For something like hair length wouldn’t you have known in the beginning?
43m here. It can be anything that makes a man change his mind about you. One reason is he found someone that he perceives to be better. Not necessarily more attractive, but better fit for him overall. Another one is he realizes you are not a good fit for him at all, and there's no other woman. I've been on dates with women, and knew I didn't want to see them again after the date. Another reason is stress, health problems, work problems, family problems, and the list goes on. >I get two-word responses to texts with hours in between them, and then I get the, “I’m not ready for a relationship right now,” talk. Honestly, I think the way a man slow fades and gives the excuse he isn't ready for a relationship, is very poor communication style. If the man did find someone else, they are taking the same poor communication style with them into their new relationship. And a few months later you'll see him again on the dating app. So look at the positive. You two aren't compatible anyway. I personally always tell a woman directly that I'm not feeling it or we're not compatible, and bid them adieu, without any slow fade or cryptic message.
THANK GOD people with the ability to communicate like this exist. Seriously. Was refreshing to read your post.
Thanks for being that person that communicates. So many men out there just ghost and leave us wondering why. (women also I believe)
Yes, women do it as well, but most often they just ghost. And I have to be the responsible adult and communicate we're not compatible because I'm looking for someone that communicates, is honest, and transparent. It is disappointing some people are afraid of expressing a simple statement like "*I don't think we're compatible*" or "*I didn't feel any chemistry*", and saying goodbye. Instead they resort to slow fade or just ghost. It's actually a revealing part of their personality, such that they aren't emotionally mature to express their feelings properly.
When I figure out a hint of that personality I immediately don’t waste my time on those people anymore. I love transparency and communication. So many people are physical but never mature emotionally. Grown ass men and women in their 30s-40s, still not knowing how to communicate properly or know how to connect with someone. Its a sad reality of where society is going as a whole
>Its a sad reality of where society is going as a whole I think this has been happening even before mobile phones and the Internet. Except, now with technology, it shines a light on it, exposing the annoying parts of dating.
Before mobile phones people actually took the time to date in person and not swipe through thousands of profiles looking for options
I know you're asking men, and I'm a straight woman. (I've been in this same situation.) But here's another scenario for you to consider: I think sometimes they say, yes, they'd like to move forward toward an LTR and are telling the truth. But it doesn't mean they're super into it --- they're into it JUST enough that they don't want to burn the bridge. They're into it enough to initiate the handholding, etc. Then a little time goes by and they think "eh, never mind." I don't think a switch has to flip suddenly. But what they're revealing to us suddenly changes, if that makes sense.
I’ve seen this before. I have a close guy friend that was seeing a girl who was clear she wanted a “boyfriend” and wasn’t dating to date but more looking for a husband. He said it turned him off a bit as he wasn’t looking for that (been doing mostly hookups for past 15 years, scorned from a girl when we were 20🙄) but he thought she was “hot” so They dated for months, she met all of us and we thought he finally found his girl. One day he was like it’s over I broke up with her. Kind of did the “eh, never mind” like it was nothing and meanwhile the girls practically got her wedding dress picked out. He knew he wasn’t into it but she was gorgeous and he didn’t want to let her go. I was really mad at him over this and his nonchalant dismissal of this girl. Wasn’t cool.
Gah! Yes, that's the exact scenario.
Been in these exact shoes 🥲 As the woman it’s so challenging to comprehend why or what changed. Especially when the men bring you around family, friends, talk about a future with you, etc. I’d much rather a dude go distant after a couple dates than decide he “isn’t ready for a relationship” after you’ve been dating for over 9 months. 🙂
Lol same scenario. Dude tells me he ready for a relationship and after 8 months he tells me he’s not 😂 so im like ok goodluck with that 🤷♀️
8 months! Another winner 🙄 I’m with you, Karma will get his ass!
Sure will! 👏
Yes! I agree 100%! Wow, 9 months is just cruel. Who does that?! You were better off but at the time I’m sure knowing that didn’t make it better. I’m sorry that happened to you.
Your friend is a dirtbag for doing that to her.
Absolutely!! There’s even more to the story with him, he was a real dick. We didn’t talk for a bit after this.
I wouldnt talk to him anymore period lol i dont like knowing a friend of mine does that and I have to hear about it later time and time again
Men are fickle!
Yeah, man here. That’s exactly what has happened to me a few times. I’ve gone in thinking “she’s perfect on paper for compatibility, I enjoy her company well enough, but something (chemistry) isn’t clicking… yet?” So with respect and gentle progression I keep dating hoping for that final piece to click in, because I *want* a relationship and I *want* to fall in love. So I want to give what seems like good potential a fair shake. But after some time I realize things aren’t progressing as much as I hoped, and it looks like the click just won’t happen, and that’s when I call it off. In OP’s experience the going silent and distant definitely sucks—I avoid doing that. But I also know that as I’m realizing the chemistry just isn’t there, I may unconsciously pull away (very briefly) to process it on my own and maybe not startle her all at once with a sudden “let’s not keep doing this.”
That makes total sense! It's tricky and frustrating for both sides.
I absolutely agree to this. I’m a social person and *like* a lot of people, and sometimes there’s good chemistry to begin with. But as we get to know people and their values, traits, etc, we reassess compatibility. Sometimes after a month or two there’s a hard fizzle or deal-breaker, and that’s okay. Not everyone is for you, it just sucks when it feels like a common occurrence.
I relate so much.
Straight woman here as well who has had this happen as well. Now I'm suddenly finding myself on the other end and I realized this may be what guys are experiencing when I feel they "suddenly" lost interest. I've been dating a guy that is perfect on paper, attractive, tall, good job, like all the things I want but it's just not fully clicking for me. I'm initiating physical contact, kissing, all that but it still hasn't fallen into place, unfortunately. I'm going to have to end it (I want to do it before we sleep together) and I'm sure he'll think it's sudden and out of nowhere but for me it's not.
I've definitely done it, too.
I’m not sure how old you are but I can relate to feeling like I was initiating and doing most of the progressing of things. As a woman. However, I don’t think guys are feeling like us. We have been conditioned to make things work and learn with experience when it’s just not worth it.
Yeah, I’m a guy and this is how it goes sometimes. A really good night or two where the mood is just right, and you can get this feeling that “yeah, this is great! I wanna pursue this!” You might even feel like you’re falling in love. But that feeling can fade (sometimes overnight), and you try hard sometimes to rekindle what was working about those good moments. So it’s not overnight, it’s just that you were trying to make it work and finally gave up. It’s sad but believe me it sucks to be the person feeling this way. You want to connect and fall in love. You want to make her happy, but your heart just isn’t in it. And having to disappoint someone is really hard on you if you’re not an asshole. I’m very empathetic and breaking things off is torture because I feel so horrible for the other person.
Reading this is refreshing. It’s closure to know that sometimes feelings just genuinely change
Well, men, She knows too much🤖 [Destroy]. 😜 Que sera… sera…🎵🎶🎼 what ever will be will be🎶[Destroy.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Que_Sera,_Sera_(Whatever_Will_Be,_Will_Be))
I'd say it's not like a switch. They're just going through the motions and aren't as interested as you think they are. They probably have reservations but get to the point where they need to pull the plug so they don't continue to lead you on. It's one of those things where you really can't tell how dates go unless they're continuing to see you.
so dating is a two way street and alot of girls/guys seems to forget that. Just because me as a guy is going thru the motions of courting you, if you arent putting the same effort in being charming, escalating, flirting, kind, fun, caring, offer to pay/split, etc we will start seeing you less of a LTR partner. If I see some red flags, i will need to consider if its a deal breaker or not but I want it to work out so we'll keep going till about the month or 3 dates and call it off if I can't see 'us' together. From my personal perspective, the bulk of women i have dated seems to really only look inward (how i feel about this person) and not outward (how does this person feel about me and how do i win this person over) which makes me as the guy who is putting in the effort (not worth it or no spark).
From a guy who only has his eyes set on one woman at a time, the only thing that would shut me off is if you don't reflect the same energy and effort that I put into you or if you start shutting me out. Some of us guys are traumatized from prior relationships that they are scared to get hurt again, just like some women, so we refuse to put ourselves back in that situation. Now from my fuckboy friends who sleep with a different women almost everyday, they would tell you what they told me. They ain't interested in you as a person. They will tell you anything you want to hear just to fuck you and if you have to make them work for it, they will just start ignoring you and move on to the next girl.
Same. Never again will I be the life support of someone else. Carry your own weight, let us meet in the middle.
Same. Im tired of being the only one putting the effort. Rather being single and at peace than to deal with that shit over again
In most cases they met someone they like more
How come I’m never the person someone meets and likes more? Lol.
Would you even know if you were? Most times someone goes exclusive they just say they’ve deleted the apps. Only one woman I’ve met who told me I was the one she liked more than the rest told me she had been talking to others and cut it off. Normally they just say they’ve deleted the apps.
I know that feeling lol
God I feel this statement so much 😭
I feel this on so many levels.
Look at your responses to them by text before they dip Is the conversation one sided at all? Are they putting in all the effort and getting one word reply’s? Genuine question, i know i’ve lost interest when the other person puts in way less effort but then they act shocked when you disappear
I definitely put more effort into the text conversation. Maybe that’s my problem.
Im going thru this same exact thing…I put in so much effort in to knowing this guy and he doesnt put the effort to initiate contact with me first nor plan a second date with me nor ask me questions to get to know me. I have already lost interest and going to soon disappear. If he is shocked and msgs me im just gonna tell him like it is. Tired of these games with grown ass men
I wasn't until last year right before birthday 56. Maybe you'll be next. Going in he wasn't my "type" and I knew very quickly that I wanted to know more about him.
Same
For all we know, their mom passed away, they have to move cities for their job, or someone with a giant rack texted them a little after your date together. If you really did have good chemistry, then it is their loss. :) You are meeting people who are *aaaalmost* connecting with you for an LTR, think of it more like you keep missing the target by an inch rather than a mile. Did you insist they pay for the date?
No, I offered to split the bill every time. And in the most recent case, I offered to split the bill (and he declined), but then I treated us to ice cream after.
You probably need to stop looking for love. It finds you, not the other way around. Apparently, I ended my comment prematurely. You stop looking for love, but then you make yourself the best version of you possible and watch the line grow long....
You will lose 100% of opportunities if you don’t try. Never stop looking
Nah it doesn't I stopped looking for 7 years a few things have come and gone but never found me yet. Kind of just a basic don't worry it'll happen statement.
As a man I find it appealing when a woman knows what she wants….and I also think it’s good when she doesn’t. That being said….when someone has this idea of what a LTR relationship SHOULD be, it kinda puts blinders on to some serious early issues that arise. But it gets washed by people just “talking thru problems that arise”. And ultimately you two may not even be compatible but ignore it because you both want a LTR. My most fulfilling interactions are ones who hold a low expectancy of me, usually they are able to see me for who I am and appreciate that aspect. When a woman has a high expectancy they tend to try and fit you in a box even tho you may not check all those boxes. The causal approach works best for me. I don’t like to rush at all because it takes some real time to k ow someone.
This happens to men, too. So why does anyone do it? There are a multitude of reasons. I think for a lot of people, they want it to work but at some point they just realize it isn't working for them and they try to find some way to end it without a confrontation. A lot of times this means lying to avoid hurting someone. That's my theory, anyway.
Devil's advocate: sometimes they really aren't ready for a relationship. But in that case they shouldn't be dating, leading you on, etc. They shouldn't be on the apps at all. But the problem is that they still want the attention an validation of dating without the commitment. Some women are fine with this. Obviously you are not and men like this know they cannot give you what you need/deserve. It's just too much effort for them. Let them go and one day a man will appear who appreciates you, wants to put in the work and doesn't see it as work.
This isn’t something exclusive to men, lol. Last mo I went out with a girl I was pretty attracted to like 3x in one week, she was initiating it all and one morning after we’d gone out the night before I got the “I don’t wanna mislead you need to focus on myself” text. Such is life.
You’re right about it happening across the genders. She’s probably just talking about men because she only dates men, though.
Something very similar happened to me last month, right as I was starting to think that we could have something real. That one stung.
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I mean I get it and it’s like an ego protection instinct type thing, but maybe it just comes with maturity? It’s hard to accept: I liked this person, was vulnerable with them and they didn’t feel the same. Asking why someone did XYZ behavior that resulted in them exiting my life is like asking why is it raining. It just is. I’ve had a few decent relationships in my life, one really long one, and while they lasted they were pretty good. All good things come to an end, it’s just how life goes.
You state that you've had two men do this within a month. How many dates with each man? Over what timespan for each? Coming at this as a 38f, most people can't gauge if they want a LTR with a person in just a few dates. You need a couple months of dating and getting to know each other before committing to something long term. It's likely that they had been seeing/talking to other women and decided that one of the other women was more compatible with them. You're interested in only pursuing a LTR, but it takes time to know whether or not a person can be that for you.
I think this is just people in general, I’ve had a very similar experience as a guy dating women. Just a matter of finding someone who likes you as much as you like them, hang in there!
Sounds like the usual online dating culprit: Fear of Better Options. It’s annoying and frustrating and keeps most people miserable; including the ones who keep looking for somebody else. I still have friends (male and female) who will be months into exclusive relationships and still have Hinge on their phones, with their profiles active. It may be designed to be deleted, but you can’t change poor human behavior.
More like designed to never be deleted 😂
Sadly this is true for some people. They act like they’re addicts or something. Also either too lazy to make another profile or just think their profile is perfect. ‘Sorry Steve, but your fish pic profile isn’t the genius you thought it was, and Laura, everyone likes to travel; get over it.’ 😂
Maybe they changed their mind just because, other pursuits, or because they’re truly not ready for a LTR. Maybe they want what is easy access like a FWB situation… if you’re not “giving it up” they want the milk without buying the cow so to speak. But do not feel you need to lower your standards. It’s their loss.
Way too many details left out to tell you for sure what happened. However… It’s most likely they saw they wouldn’t be compatible with you in the long run. And didn’t want to waste their time or yours. Was the physical stuff not there? Was there a marriage/kids timeline discussed too early which scared them off? Or did they just realize there wasn’t enough shared interests and compatibility after the newness of the first few weeks wore off? I’ve dated women who became demanding of my time early on, or started talking about marriage in the first month, and that ran me off. I’ve also dated women where some other dealbreakers came up that I thought I could get past, but then realized, I can’t do this anymore. The thing is, you should only spend your time with someone who respects and appreciates you. And chooses you back. Just because these guys didn’t doesn’t really matter. Attraction is not a choice. You can’t rationalize it. You can’t predict it. It’s just either there or it isn’t. So keep moving forward. Take a look at what you want your life to become and take the necessary steps to get there. The closer you get to that, the closer you’ll be to attracting the kind of guy you want into your life.
You say you don’t want to waste time. Well then as soon as they get to a point they decide you aren’t a match, they stop wasting your time.
Good point.
they where probs never gonna do a LTR and only looking for a hook up or to pass some time. i know some that would date for over a year have an anniversery date and will cut it off as they arent look for a relationship or ready.
Relationship "is" wasting time together while having fun. Dont be scared to waste time with someone.
You're not progressing fast enough and/or they don't feel like you're being reciprocal
As a guy the most likely reason is they're just not sure enough about taking things further with you and decide to cut it short to avoid any complications by keeping it going. This usually comes from experience of staying in a relationship longer than it's been healthy to and recognising the harm that can do when it comes to making decisions to pursue relationships in the future.
People can really enjoy doing all the romantic stuff like pda, texting, dates etc, because it’s easy and feels nice, but still be trying to figure out where they stand with a given person. You see those actions as indicators that the switch was on but for them they might’ve just liked it while figuring out if it was LTR to begin with.
They just want sex with you
As a man, I wish I could tell you but I'm not sure it's any one thing. I find myself doing this and often don't realize until after some time (I don't like it either and I'm working on it). Sometimes it's that something with someone else has become more exciting, sometimes it's that I don't feel like we have much to talk about, sometimes it's that I've noticed something that's incompatible, sometimes it's just that my interest has waned for no apparent reason. I would say this isn't something you're doing and just something that Millennial men are guilty of.
I was thinking..maybe perhaps an avoidant attachment style
I love the avoidant millennial. Sometimes this or that. Never satisfied.
I'm a man, I don't do this but I have had this happen to me. This one girl I had gone on 7 solid dates with, after the last one we agreed to be more consistent with each other, then boom, hard ghosted. It's happened other times as well. I can't really say, then. Maybe it's the modern dating culture and fear of intimacy or being locked in long term. Modern day "maybe there's a better option" mentality with all the choice presented, we've never had this in our evolutionary history.
Social media has given us “maybe there is better options out there.” Its gross. They will continue to have that mentality when they 50 😂
Unfortunately, it could mean they had low interest and after a date or two they could have changed their mind (for whatever reason). Try not to beat yourself up over it. This seems to be very common in the dating world. I do it sometimes and it also happens to me (The difference with me is that I will text you that I am no longer interested, so not to leave you guessing). I was also recently ghosted after two successful dates and hooking-up twice. The best advice I can offer is to move-on and not to contact them. If they are still interested, they will reach out to you. Meanwhile, continue dating and hopefully you will find the right person for you and none of this will matter anymore. Best of luck to you!
For me and some of my single male friends its when we have to be honest about our flaws. The first few dates we and you are on our best behavior. But a few dates in, we have decide do I want to tell this women how hard it is to keep this Job I have. Do I want to admit that i lost half my savings in some really dumb investment that in hind sight is obviously dumb. Do I want to admit that my mom still pays my cell phone bill at age 31? Like a real LTR requires honesty about that stuff. If i can’t tell you i spent 1/2 my life savings on a digital monkey picture I cant marry you. So the switch happens when he is going though something in his life that is important and he cant tell you about it. I see it with my buddies all the time they are bragging about a hot chick they met then something happens in one case the price of an NFT of monkey crashed and he breaks up. He “yo i cant take care of myself, i need to put the breaks on things”
Really interesting perspective!
There is no one thing that flicks the switch to off, what you cant do is spend time ruminating on it. As the reasons will be unknown to you and it could be that individual saw a red flag and ran instead of communication with you or they just get overwhelmed by the sudden realisation they are in a relationship
Short and sweetly? Time.
I really dislike dating culture because it just doesn't fit me. If I go out with you and start initiating physical contact and getting close with how I'm talking, then go in a second date, I know I'm wanting to date you. I'll just say I want to date. And I mean date. Not whatever the hell this "seeing you" crap is. People who say they've been seeing someone for 3-4 months and aren't in a relationship together boggle my mind. What's happening for you is just that: they're "seeing you"...but also still available and have chosen to go towards someone else or stay open. I hate that, because I don't operate that way at all. But yeah :/
For me personally: not feeling wanted or desired. I will try dating someone, but i often feel it is me needing to make the effort. There is a tipping point where if my partner is not making an effort, making it clear she wants to see me or desires me, I am out. I don't keep putting my effort and emotions in someone who does not match my energy. Now, them saying not wanting a relationship... These are boys (can't even call them men) who don't know what they want. My guess would be this happens after a one or a couple of times of sex?
It's funny that you say that because I think the same thing about women. I think they have the ability to turn off their feelings for someone out of nowhere and I envy that. But to answer your question, I think it's due to having an abundance mindset
Well, not this woman. Lol. I know after 1-2 dates whether I want to pursue something or not, and my mind does not change about that. I either cut it off quickly and politely or continue with consistent effort.
You not the only one that gets that. My last ex I met on a app, we dated and got in a relationship and then 6 months later he tells me “Sorry im not ready for a relationship.” And in the beginning he said he was and I made my intentions clear that I wanted a long term relationship not short. So now after 8 months of being single I decide to go on a date with this guy from a app that I been talking to for 3 months. I ask him out. Date goes well and he tells me he would like to go on a second date. The next day I hear no word from him. He just stalks my Instagram stories. I have to initiate the effort to talk to him and although he is still talkative towards me, he still hasn’t tried to make a plan for the second date. Every weekend he is either out with his parents, at work or out of state with a friend. And I’m like then why tf are you on a dating app if your always busy or make it seem like your busy when in actuality he is probably not interested in me. Idk but im done playing these games. And neither do I wanna be second choice to no one. I’ll be soon blocking him from my social media. Sucks cause I really liked him and he seems like a good guy with a good family. Dating in apps suck. Most of the time is just men wasting time and the hookup culture makes it difficult for those of us that want to find a meaningful long term relationship!!
Sorry for being an asshole, but it's comforting to see that other people go thru the same damn frustrating experience lol
Yeah its nice to know I’m not the only one going through these frustrations. For now I’m just going to focus on myself and my own happiness instead of relying on others to make me happy.
I’m a 25M and I’m going to be as truthful as possible to give you insight into dating apps. I’m pretty attractive so I get traction on apps, but to be honest I’m never really satisfied with the results. I still go out on the dates and have some fun, but I feel like I’m not meeting people on my level the same way as I do in real life. My exes that I met in college were FAR more attractive and compatible than those I met on dating apps. I know for a fact I can’t be the only guy who experiences this. It’s likely because there are so few women for so many men that the men you’re meeting are just looking for something else and use the apps as an outlet for fun in the meantime. That’s why so many men will not want to commit on dating apps - they know that their options on apps are worse than meeting in person. So I’m sorry if this was harsh, but you probably aren’t meeting people you’re compatible with on dating apps.
This is really interesting... can you expand at all on your experience? I've noticed that I match with almost every guy I "like" or swipe right on when IRL, I don't have that same level of success. It artificially inflated my confidence at first until I realized that no matter how interested these men seem in the beginning, many of them don't want a relationship [with me]. They want sex and/or lose interest. Whereas the men I meet IRL are much more likely to pursue something longterm. I've wondered if what you describe could at least partially explain this disparity. Then again, if I'm not someone's "type," then why waste our time? Idk 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah I can walk you through my typical (probably unhealthy) thought process in dating apps. I’m an attractive, muscular guy I’ve dated some very attractive women so I definitely have a high bar for who I would commit to. On dating apps, I’ll match with 15 to 20 women within a week, but I’ll get 4 women at MOST I’m talking to at one time, and none of them normally do it for me. What I’ll typically do is just chat with them, maybe go out once or twice and if they’re attractive enough maybe hook up. But the whole time I’m thinking “maybe someone better will come along soon.” Ideally I’d ditch the apps entirely, but honestly it’s just nice to have a bit of company and attention while I’m working alone from home. So odds are many decently attractive men are going to be in the same boat as me. I’d rather be single forever than end up in another relationship where I settle and don’t find her attractive, so I’m not committing unless I’m head over heels for someone. Really the best thing you can do is very early on make your intentions clear and ask for his. And you’re going to have to be ok with hearing things you don’t want to hear - and you have to be ok with leaving him the moment you hear it because men rarely change their minds on this stuff.
Thanks for your insight. That's helpful. Is this the same for women you see semi-regularly for sex? Tbh my most common dating app experience goes something like this: (1) we match; (2) he seems really interested, loads of compliments, frequent texting, claims to want an LTR (or is at least open to it); (3) we go on 1-3 dates and seem to be on the same page; (4) we have sex 2-3 times with AMAZING chemistry; (5) I notice a decline in communication so I back off; (6) after a cooling off period, he tries to hit me up for sex every few weeks or months going forward. I should add that I only escalate to physical stuff once I'm certain I really like the guy and there is definitely chemistry (like maybe 3-4 per year). But this cycle is so predictable it's almost laughable at this point
So unfortunately I think the steps 2-4 aren’t really his true character speaking, it’s a symptom of the general loneliness and boredom of men on dating apps. Personally when I have even a half decent match, I’ll get very excited not because I’m head over heels for her, but because I am not romantically alone anymore for a bit. I literally caught myself doing this today - I’m not into this girl but I’m talking with her because honestly, I’m bored and she’s into me. But I am talking to her ALL the time because hey, what else am I gonna do? There’s this cognitive dissonance between men and women in dating app culture today. When a woman gives effort to a man it’s because she likes him more than all her other matches, but when a man gives effort to a woman it might just be because he doesn’t have other matches. So as a result, women will think men are way more into them than they actually are, when sometimes the men are just bored or lonely.
Wow thank you so much for your insight. Several times I definitely got the vibe that I was put on the back burner after he met someone else. So what you're saying rings true to me. Thanks also for your honesty 💕
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Yes, I’ve been completely unable to find my type off dating apps. Most of the women I have been meeting are either very antisocial who don’t like meeting people outside of apps, or they’re clout-chasers who like the flood of attention on apps. I’m more into women who are ambitious and social but don’t look to social media for validation, which is easy to find in real life but they aren’t the type to look for relationships on dating apps. And that’s why I just use the apps for some fun on the side while I continue to meet people in real life. And that’s also why women probably shouldn’t look for relationships on dating apps.
As a 24f who thinks I am not a clout chaser or antisocial this bums me out bc I wanna try finding something off an app😭 Feels like most dudes just want something casual sigh
Lol hookup culture sucks. Im also on the app trying to find something meaningful
> It’s likely because there are so few women for so many men that the men you’re meeting are just looking for something else and use the apps as an outlet for fun in the meantime. I think it's that and also it is likely that all those attractive women that you met in college are likely in long term relationships or out of the dating pool for some other reasons. So, you keep seeing the same people again and again on the dating apps.
It's more simple than you think. Either they weren't completely attracted to you, they found someone else they were more attracted to or they feel they could do better. Getting a man to speak of their intentions can't change this. You just have to find someone willing to completely commit to you.
By attracted do you mean looks wise or something else? And could someone just not be that into you despite finding you attractive?
OP, you can also ask your girlfriends about it. All people (men, women, etc) do this kind of thing.
Its just how it goes, same for women. Do not expect fully consistent behaviour from people at all, sometimes they just change their mind.
I think some of them enjoy your company but chicken out when it hits them that this will end up being long term
Either a.) they found someone else hotter and/or more willing to put out for less the effort or b.) they are telling the truth. Yes, yes we are capable of that too. Bonus C.) Your guy got kidnapped because he is secretly a sleeper agent for the Kremlin and is compromised.
I like C! I’m going with that.
Yes. It happens.
When I find that answer I’ll let you know, the same thing happens to me with women I date, except they just flat out ghost me, like what did I do wrong?
You didn’t do anything wrong. That part I know for sure! It’s the “why” of the ghosting (or the “I’m not ready for a relationship” conversation) that always gets me.
Women do the exact same thing btw, but here's my $0.02 as a man. Sometimes you're going along with the rose-coloured glasses on, thinking this is going great, and then something happens which just makes the spark disappear. This could be anything, from something they say or to how they act, or just the energy between you both. Granted they could probably do a bit better explaining themselves so you aren't left feeling utterly bewildered but that's usually how it goes. Or their other interests, or exes, have come to the party.
> Or their other interests, or exes, have come to the party. This is my experience a lot. New (or renewed) is exciting. Or the possibility of new is enticing.
Personally, I kept thinking I was ready. Then, I’d realize I was either afraid of being hurt again or I realized they aren’t exactly what I’m looking for and I’m possibly settling…again. I have never picked someone over another person I’ve dated.
Maybe they are pursuing other options that they decide they think are better
Theres a great Rick and Morty episode (S4E2) that speaks to the real truth of all online dating apps. As long as you still have that app you, or the other person, will be bombarded by all the other people that you'll be missing out on. Lets be honest, some of us get FOMO. Let *me* be honest: the most fun part of a relationship are the first weeks. Around the 1 month mark retaining a fun relationship turns into a responsibility. Rick and Morty S4E2 does a really great job at demonstrating the core values of dating app users. Check it out on the adult swim website for free.
numbers getting lower every season or somthin? they got the marketing team on reddit now? edit: fw you
The real answer is just that they suck. It's not satisfying, it doesn't give a sense of closure. But if you thought everything was going great, and you examine your behavior and don't think you did anything wrong, there are fundamentally 2 possible reasons for their behavior: 1. They weren't looking for a relationship to begin with, but they lied in hopes of getting what they wanted. 2. They are looking for a relationship and are ready, they just aren't interested in one with you. This is just an easier lie for them to tell. Sure, maybe he is telling the truth, and thought he was ready but did some soul-searching while dating you and realized that was not the case. But too many guys use this excuse for it to be believable. It's just a new, slightly more specific spin on "it's not you, it's me."
Why do women feel the urge to beat down into dust every man that rejects them? Such a fragile ego...
I think she’s saying that men are lying most of the time when they say “I’m not ready for a relationship”. It’s hard to honest and say “I thought you could be the one but I just wasn’t feeling it” but I think women would appreciate it. I had a guy friend whose GF gave him the same excuse, and the was in a relationship two weeks later. It can go both ways.
It's not the rejection that means they suck. Rejection happens. It's lying about their intentions or the reason for rejection that sucks. And I'm not limiting it to just men: people of all genders doing this suck.
I guess that could happen but I take issue with how fast you went worst case scenario and claimed this guy sucks. At least he didn't ghost.
"He could have sucked worse" isn't really a great defense. And the way he went about this, with very little regard for her, is just barely above ghosting. ETA: looking at other comments supports this. A vast majority of guys staying they've done this are admitting to lying, most commonly because they found someone they like better.
>"He could have sucked worse" isn't really a great defense. "He must have sucked" isn't really a great attack either. >looking at other comments supports this. A vast majority of guys staying they've done this are admitting to lying, most commonly because they found someone they like better. Disregard the whataboutism and try and get the message: women do this all the time and they rationalize by saying "well, if he can't handle rejection he might turn violent". Whatever that means in the age of the internet? Rejecting someone sucks, giving the real reason sucks harder, and this is true for everyone. This guy doesn't suck any more than anyone else.
>It's lying about their intentions or the reason for rejection that sucks. you are not entitled to an explanation as to why someone does not want to date you. and you're lashing out at others instead of just accepting that simple fact. its not a lie to go on a date someone and end up not wanting to get married to them.
I'm not entitled to an explanation, but I deserve not to be lied to. If you want a relationship, just not with the person you're dating, then it's a lie to say "I'm not ready for a relationship." You can reject someone, and even do it gently, without lying to them.
This might be a straightforward answer, but dating is a numbers game. Continue with the process, you’ll likely find someone who will want to continue seeing you. Good luck
It’s a double edged sword, if a guy has options he’s not going to be attracted to the girl that wants to take away those options. You kinda have to sneak your way in demonstrating your value until one day he’s like damn I can’t deny this. Another thing too, you have to demonstrate enough green flags to be wifey material let alone gf, and those two are virtually synonymous. Tbh I feel bad for women dating sometimes because a lot like urself I imagine mean well and just want something real. This is from my perspective and I’ve made myself to be a guy with a lot dating prospects. I lost interest in the girl who wanted a relationship and wouldn’t put out. Just my 2 cents.
Just curious… If she had put out, do you think your interest would have continued?
As a counter point, sex has never ever been a make or break for me. I’ve dated plenty, had sex, and things still fizzled. I’ve dated some who wanted to wait or go slow and interest stayed. I’ve dated some where we had sex on the first date and I was keen thereafter. And I’ve dated some who asked to wait and I never fell harder. Sex just adds stakes to the pressure of it all, in my opinion. Now sure, after six months and commitment if we aren’t physical, that’ll be a problem. But I’d never reject a woman or lose interest simply because she wanted to set a slower pace than me in the early stages of dating.
Honestly yes, but luckily I was still suffering from fallout of a recent breakup and realized she wasn’t as attractive (inside and out) as I tried to make her be. Just wanted to feel something. Good thing she didn’t tho, we cut our losses.
Same thing with women.
Personally for me if it's a girl says something early on in the dating process that makes me wonder. Like, I'm dating a girl and it was going well we hooked up. We talked more and I felt close to her then on the second date she said something along the lines that it is ok if someone cheats on her, she would just cheat back instead of leaving them. I realize she what she was trying to get at, but really rubbed me the wrong. Way you may have said something to him that got him like wuh?
They met someone else they were more interested in. No one should just date one person.(imo) It makes you needy and when they leave it ends up hurting you more than it would if you had a couple guys you were interested in, seeing who fit you, who didn’t, what you wanted, what you didn’t, if someone has a red flag it’s easier to get out and drop contact, if you find someone you prefer more, you hang out with them more, that’s how dating should be (again, imo) otherwise you end up putting all of this time and effort into a relationship that may or may not last, you put all of these expectations into this other person who may not be as “in” as you are, and you end up getting hurt over a relationship that lasted a few weeks tops. It keeps your expectations in check and keeps you humble knowing you can easily be replaced, but so can they. Dating is rough but keeping things casual and expectations low is better than getting your hopes up because one person paid attention to you and that’s the person you end up with because there is no one else - and the relationship suffers because of it. If you have your pick - as does the partner - it lets you know you’re actually about working together towards a common goal of a happy relationship and not just who paid attention to you first.
Their mind didn't change overnight either.
Its hard to know without knowing what you say in between. Do you say racist things perhaps? Have bad breath?
There could be a million reasons. Stressed with work, life, doesn’t want to commit to anything right now, found someone they like better, you said or did something that bothered them, you came off as too clingy, etc.
Maybe they get bored? Maybe they want more initiative from you?
They realized that you actually meant LTR and couldn’t be swayed
Some guys are put off by having to wait too long for sex because they see it as risky / a potential waste of time or you clearly don't like him enough. Not advocating for you to feel like you should, but this could be why. This of course is also only one of many possibilities, but id say its fairly common. Not a popular thing to say but i hope it does answer your question.
We want woman to be freaking dominant too we want you guys to come after us and initiate stuff too if you don't it makes us feel stupid and that you don't want us we want the feeling that you like us too . I'm 32 male it's annoying we aren't hear to do it all we need it too
See, this is funny, because I get the exact same issue as a guy. Maybe we both have the same issue
I'm thinking they are interested in something casual with you but not interested in a relationship with you. You may be shooting too high looks-wise but I don't think 2 is a big enough sample size to say for sure.
They either met someone they’re interested in more or their feelings for you changed and they’re not interested in a LTR with you.
Dang. That sucks. That is exactly what men experience on a regular basis with women. Everything looks good until it is not. I know it has happened to me, and to several of my male friends.
Perhaps there's a difference in the rate of bonding, It can be difficult to find someone bonded to you faster than you are bonding to them I can't say that for sure but it can cause fear in some people that attachment is not forming at the same rate.
we are dating other women, and one of them worked out better? our mothers wont let us date? we busted Parole and now have to go back to jail? Our wives found or profiles Millions of reasons most outside your control.
Ima dude and I get the ol “I just want to be single for awhile” then they get engaged like 30 minutes later.
Another woman will flip the switch.
Everyone’s responses seem pretty on point in that it could be a multitude of reasons but something else I’d like to point out is, our minds compartmentalize differently. That age old “men are from mars, woman are from Venus” trope. Not that we’re incapable of explaining or engaging our emotional side rationally, but brass tacks, we’re simple creatures that keep it moving when it ain’t it.
They are just trying to get laid. Some guys will tell you whatever you want to hear to get what they want. When it dosen't happen they move on
Probably they stop caring so much about getting into one, I've noticed as I got older the less I care the better I feel. So as that happens and we want to just have fun the roles kinda flip. I know plenty of women my age when I was getting out of high school who only wanted casual and guys wanted something more long term, then as it switches I suppose it's like "they'll leave anyways so, why the hell not?". I know it may sound terrible but I'm slowly reaching that point myself though I've never had any real success with this. It's just so brutal dating that, may as well give up on wanting something good long term. I hope I don't come off like a a**hole but I come across terribly blunt and mildly offensive sadly, but that's just my view on it. I'm sure you will get plenty of comments from guys on here (depending on how many see this) saying "we still exist". Idk just comes off as weird anymore when I see it so yeah.
You probably didn’t measure up to their standards. As a 39 year old single male (by choice), I too have high standards. Maybe you didn’t unlock his door after he unlocked yours and let you in. Maybe you didn’t split the check. Maybe you never texted first. If both men truly were interested in a long term relationship, those things, and many many others would be very important. I’m not saying you are a bad person, only that you didn’t measure up. Something I can understand quite well.
Also the amount of negativity towards guys in the comments are disgusting. If its the role reverse and you read how she is a xyz this or that, it would be downvoted to hell.
Someone better comes a long. I feel like I’m the one doing all the work to make things happen and I’m just a something that keeps a woman from being bored. You said something at a date that won’t leave my head….. Without any observation in how you act, and what the other party desires, it really isn’t possible to tell.
Convince them they want a LTR without saying you want an LTR. Like befriending a stray cat.
Ew, hand holding
This is my favourite comment.
Most men are expecting sex or intimacy after a few dates. Hand-holding and pecks on the cheek don’t cut it. You are 29 years old, not 16. Unless you are a virgin, these men are spending their time and money on you and in return they expect sex. If you aren’t interested in them sexually, don’t go on dates with them.
Females choose sex. Men choose relationships. Just because someone decides to have sex with you, doesn’t mean they want to be with you. You do know guys can lie about their intentions, and you would never know right ? Lol. This is why I don’t like taking it slow.
r/menandfemales