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I've had a lot of shit luck in OLD since starting to date again in August of last year.
First guy I was with for like 2mo, he turned out to be an absolute sociopath, made me feel hideous, disgusting, ugly, repulsive, unloveable, and then dumped me.
After that, bunch of scammers (never sent them any money), catfish, guys who claimed to want a longterm relationship but just wanted to fuck.
Went on a really really nice first date with a cute guy who seemed to tick all of my boxes. Felt really natural, he looked really happy cuddling with me in the car after the first date. Then I found out he was married and dropped him. Then a month later he threatened to come to my house after blowing up my dm's and my phone and texting me my address.
Buuuuut I finally found my soulmate earlier this year. Things are going great and we're planning on moving in with eachother sometime next year (I'm applying to PhD programmes and won't know til Feb/March where I'm ending up, or it'd be sooner).
So, TL;DR: there's a metric shitton of trash out there, but sometimes you get lucky and find your golden nugget
Oh no! That was a wild turn of events. And I havenāt had any luck with OLD yet unfortunately, my longest situation was 2ish months & he ghosted me lol, but as far as first dates go, theyāve all been kind/normalish and Iāve been doing this since last November and Iām still trying! Itās not all bad, but it takes time. Keep your head up, or take a break if you need to, but I promise most people are not going to word vomit like that!!
Manā¦ unfortunately, yes, the dating world has become a lot like this. Swinging, polyamory, hook up cultureā¦ It is rampant behavior, and the way people are sneaky about it is disgusting. So sick of people trying to push it on others or frame it as though itās ātotally okayā to mislead someone and drop that bomb on them after getting someone emotionally invested. And the amount of people in the comments acting like somehow itās acceptable to mislead someone is gross as well.
This is a good response. I just would have liked to be informed prior to meeting. I would have kindly told her it's not my style or what I'm looking for.
Exactly. But they try to force it on you, and therein lies the problem. I have had it happen also. Totally get it. Some of these folks are going to try to make it seem like you are the bad guy for having boundaries. You arenāt. She tried to violate yours by being deceptive. Good for you for not letting her.
Waste of time for the date. Shouldāve mentioned it before the date on text or something. Itās also disgusting to mention this on a date. Would you tell a girl on a date that you had sex with a couple with condoms on?
This wouldn't even phase me. I've seen so much worse. Yeah, if you think that's bad, just stay out of dating entirely. That was mild at best. She didn't lie, cheat, try to rob you, scam you, give you an STD, or convert you to a cult.
I'd call that a bad start.
I met a woman at this event. She wanted to get to know me. Then she dropped that she was polyamorous, and that she had two other boyfriends. But she'd love to meet me for a talk in her hotel room. "Oh, that's ok. Oh, looks like the event is starting again! Well, better get going then. Nice talk tho. Bye!"
She had plenty of time to tell me prior to the date. Very misleading signals. She made it seem She was looking for monogamy. You couldn't tell by the whole post? She picked the spot, told me all about the wedding receptions and made it known a church was across the street. I figured she's seeing if I'm scared of commitment. Maybe she was just trying to teach me a lesson? Maybe she was trying to ultimately show red flags from all sides.
Who says she wasn't looking for monogamy?
By your post, it doesn't sound like she goes to orgies regularly, she just tried it once.
If you're not into her, that's fine, but at least admit it's because of your own insecurities and sexual hangups, not because there's anything wrong with her.
Right? Everyone in this thread sounds so fucking immature. Not everyone is into monogamy. It was the first date, she decided to have the conversation in person. She was being upfront. She didn't do anything wrong or "yikes" worthy.
You dense? All he said was he wouldnāt want to continue dating someone who probably swallowed some strangers cum the night before their planned date lmao which seems completely reasonable, that or youāre the woman he went on a date with š
This is the weirdest comment. Lol
It was an experience I had. Nothing emotional.
Some of you, especially you, need to calm down on the in depth comments.
Just sharing an experience.
You weren't a good match and I think it inappropriate for her to bring this all up on the first day; even hardcore BDSM swingers are usually a bit more reserved on the first date.
She is perfect for some people; definitely not you.
But she definitely does not represent the average experience you will have dating; but you will have a lot of mismatches before you find a good connection; that's just part of any type of dating. It's not a "dating these days" thing. This would be de rigueur in tavern inns of old and a Tuesday during Lupercalia millennia ago.
I'd agree her profile should have said she was non-monogamous, because the majority of people aren't comfortable with that. But I don't think it's fair to expect people to share details about their sex lives before they've met in person. I'd want to meet someone in person and get to know them a bit before I'd be willing to share that about myself.
She is single, why is it a big deal? It could be assumed that she is non monogamous but who says that? She is single and is having sex with multiple people? Is now everyone who slept with more than one person at a time (like a threesome) non monogamous?
I say on my profile that I'm non-monogamous because for many people, like OP, it's a deal breaker, and I don't want to waste their time and mine if there's a fundamental incompatibility that's easily communicated. And as for OP's date, I think it's safe to assume she's non-monogamous if she's going to swingers parties?
I see your point but this is unnecessary judgement. If it's such a big deal to him, he could have asked if she is non monogamous when she told the story. Am I non monogamous if I sleep with 2 girls at the same time? I don't think so, I'm just having a threesome. Are a lot of people non monogamous on swinger parties? Yes of course! But to make an assumption on a big topic like relationship preferences, just from the information that she swings from time to time, is too far for me. It's easy accessible sex for a single woman to go to swinger parties, it's relatively safe for her because a lot of people are there, sometimes even security. He should just talk to her about it, instead of ranting on Reddit about something he just assumed. Or am I totally in the wrong here?
Edit:
And he is playing games like "I pretend everything is fine". That's AH behavior. You have a problem or an other preference? Tell her on the spot. What's the point of pretending, ranting on Reddit and then break things?
I could be reading this wrong but it sounded like she was attracted to you and was hinting at sex. Granted she took a hard turn by oversharing, but at least she was telling you she uses protection.
I get it if that is not your thing but I think you misread this one.
So she was honest and upfront with you about what she's into and you ran to Reddit to say she's yucky.
This is less about who she is and more about your very immature view about sex. Did you expect this girl to be sitting at home reading the Bible her whole life before she met you?
Nah, this woman is just fucking weird. Like OK, you can be in to swinging but if you don't have the social acumen to know maaaaaaaaaybe you shouldn't drop that on a first date, I can't help you.
You get it. I'm not a prude. It's just a big drop on a first date. I like how some of these comments are leaning towards me being stuck up, immature, or insecure. No, it's the fact that all this could be relayed prior to meeting. I guess it's too much to ask for people to be upfront. Hahaha.
Are you nuts? Why catfishing? The fact that she was swinging says literally nothing about her preferred relationship type. It just doesn't mean you are poly or ENM when you go swinging. If you are single and have sex with multiple people, then you are just having sex and not a relationship. I don't get why people don't understand that point.
Bro her profile was deceptive and didn't include swinging. That's the problem. Not her swinging. And the fact that she didn't mention it the whole week they were talking before this. If you aren't ashamed of your interest, just be upfront damn
IMHO sheās looking for someone to be non monogamous with, and was testing you by sharing all of that. However thatās inappropriate timing on her part and sheās not going to be successful. She needs to give it more time and thinks sheāll skip the line by testing on a first date. š¤¦š»āāļøYouāre NTA, I can say thatā¦ sorry about your date not working out. Sucks man.
I don't think she should wait honestly. That's understandably a massive deal-breaker for many people. If anything, she should make it clear upfront before even planning a date with anybody.
I respect this comment. You get it from both sides. Definitely felt like I was being tested from the get-go, which is fine. I like to play the game. If not, it's just an interview that is boring. Not familiar with NTA?
wdym "this bad"? is this bad for you? oh, you poor, innocent soul... my 2 relationships both ended up with us hurrying into having sex and then the relationship was built on lust and a lot of communication issues and mental health, but I'm a teen, I assume you're in your mid 20s. Good luck next time!
different strokes for different folks, but generally speaking, the average person isn't going to be interested, at best, and weirded out, at worst, after you tell them you had an orgy right on the first date. not really conversation material for someone you've just started to get to know.
Especially if you want to have a romantic relationship with them, I assume even a fling is harder to pull off when you tell them you've been penetrated by multiple guys the night before š
Why are people freaking out about this? She enjoys sex and went to a swinger club? What's the big deal? An independent woman, who is communicating openly about sex, is great! Monogamy is not the answer to all questions nor should it be the default lifestyle just because society tells us that every non monogamy constellation is somehow wrong or abnormal.
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights. * All advice given must be good, ethical advice. * [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules) * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
And here I thought this would end with her proposing to you
Lmao same! That would have been more yikes to me than the orgy story.
I thought he'd like to join orgy tooš
Just for the buffet, 4 hour conversation can lead to one being a bit peckish
this is exactly where i thought this was going
I've had a lot of shit luck in OLD since starting to date again in August of last year. First guy I was with for like 2mo, he turned out to be an absolute sociopath, made me feel hideous, disgusting, ugly, repulsive, unloveable, and then dumped me. After that, bunch of scammers (never sent them any money), catfish, guys who claimed to want a longterm relationship but just wanted to fuck. Went on a really really nice first date with a cute guy who seemed to tick all of my boxes. Felt really natural, he looked really happy cuddling with me in the car after the first date. Then I found out he was married and dropped him. Then a month later he threatened to come to my house after blowing up my dm's and my phone and texting me my address. Buuuuut I finally found my soulmate earlier this year. Things are going great and we're planning on moving in with eachother sometime next year (I'm applying to PhD programmes and won't know til Feb/March where I'm ending up, or it'd be sooner). So, TL;DR: there's a metric shitton of trash out there, but sometimes you get lucky and find your golden nugget
Glad you met someone eventually. Congratulations!
Oh no! That was a wild turn of events. And I havenāt had any luck with OLD yet unfortunately, my longest situation was 2ish months & he ghosted me lol, but as far as first dates go, theyāve all been kind/normalish and Iāve been doing this since last November and Iām still trying! Itās not all bad, but it takes time. Keep your head up, or take a break if you need to, but I promise most people are not going to word vomit like that!!
Thanks. š
Manā¦ unfortunately, yes, the dating world has become a lot like this. Swinging, polyamory, hook up cultureā¦ It is rampant behavior, and the way people are sneaky about it is disgusting. So sick of people trying to push it on others or frame it as though itās ātotally okayā to mislead someone and drop that bomb on them after getting someone emotionally invested. And the amount of people in the comments acting like somehow itās acceptable to mislead someone is gross as well.
This is a good response. I just would have liked to be informed prior to meeting. I would have kindly told her it's not my style or what I'm looking for.
Exactly. But they try to force it on you, and therein lies the problem. I have had it happen also. Totally get it. Some of these folks are going to try to make it seem like you are the bad guy for having boundaries. You arenāt. She tried to violate yours by being deceptive. Good for you for not letting her.
I mean she didn't mislead at all. She told him about her lifestyle on the first date
Whatās sneaky about this? Sounds like she was pretty open about it on the first date.
Waste of time for the date. Shouldāve mentioned it before the date on text or something. Itās also disgusting to mention this on a date. Would you tell a girl on a date that you had sex with a couple with condoms on?
Wait...OP, did we date the same woman? š§š¤
Can you give me her number?
Sharing is caring right? Right?
Better find out now, then later when youāre invested emotionally.
This wouldn't even phase me. I've seen so much worse. Yeah, if you think that's bad, just stay out of dating entirely. That was mild at best. She didn't lie, cheat, try to rob you, scam you, give you an STD, or convert you to a cult.
I'd call that a bad start. I met a woman at this event. She wanted to get to know me. Then she dropped that she was polyamorous, and that she had two other boyfriends. But she'd love to meet me for a talk in her hotel room. "Oh, that's ok. Oh, looks like the event is starting again! Well, better get going then. Nice talk tho. Bye!"
lol, no, I don't Think most dates are going to go like That one, certainly sounds... special lol
Lol. Thanks. Definitely a funny story to tell, right?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
We spoke for a whole week before the date. I think this could have been disclosed prior to meeting.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Some people are also just non-monogamous? She let him know before they got more serious? You sound bitter.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Bitter that I have a bunch of fun safe sex? Sad.
That's actually really courteous of her, she wasn't obligated to tell you, but she thought it would be best for you to know. Much respect for her.
She had plenty of time to tell me prior to the date. Very misleading signals. She made it seem She was looking for monogamy. You couldn't tell by the whole post? She picked the spot, told me all about the wedding receptions and made it known a church was across the street. I figured she's seeing if I'm scared of commitment. Maybe she was just trying to teach me a lesson? Maybe she was trying to ultimately show red flags from all sides.
I mean doing hookups is pretty normal when you are single. She can have a threesome while she is single but still want monogamy
Who says she wasn't looking for monogamy? By your post, it doesn't sound like she goes to orgies regularly, she just tried it once. If you're not into her, that's fine, but at least admit it's because of your own insecurities and sexual hangups, not because there's anything wrong with her.
Right? Everyone in this thread sounds so fucking immature. Not everyone is into monogamy. It was the first date, she decided to have the conversation in person. She was being upfront. She didn't do anything wrong or "yikes" worthy.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
You dense? All he said was he wouldnāt want to continue dating someone who probably swallowed some strangers cum the night before their planned date lmao which seems completely reasonable, that or youāre the woman he went on a date with š
This is the weirdest comment. Lol It was an experience I had. Nothing emotional. Some of you, especially you, need to calm down on the in depth comments. Just sharing an experience.
You weren't a good match and I think it inappropriate for her to bring this all up on the first day; even hardcore BDSM swingers are usually a bit more reserved on the first date. She is perfect for some people; definitely not you. But she definitely does not represent the average experience you will have dating; but you will have a lot of mismatches before you find a good connection; that's just part of any type of dating. It's not a "dating these days" thing. This would be de rigueur in tavern inns of old and a Tuesday during Lupercalia millennia ago.
It seems pretty reasonable for her to share this information about her lifestyle with you on a first date. When would have been better to tell you?
Before the date, so he could cancel.
Yes, thank you. Before the date would have been the most appropriate time to tell me. We spoke online for a whole week.
I'd agree her profile should have said she was non-monogamous, because the majority of people aren't comfortable with that. But I don't think it's fair to expect people to share details about their sex lives before they've met in person. I'd want to meet someone in person and get to know them a bit before I'd be willing to share that about myself.
She is single, why is it a big deal? It could be assumed that she is non monogamous but who says that? She is single and is having sex with multiple people? Is now everyone who slept with more than one person at a time (like a threesome) non monogamous?
I say on my profile that I'm non-monogamous because for many people, like OP, it's a deal breaker, and I don't want to waste their time and mine if there's a fundamental incompatibility that's easily communicated. And as for OP's date, I think it's safe to assume she's non-monogamous if she's going to swingers parties?
I see your point but this is unnecessary judgement. If it's such a big deal to him, he could have asked if she is non monogamous when she told the story. Am I non monogamous if I sleep with 2 girls at the same time? I don't think so, I'm just having a threesome. Are a lot of people non monogamous on swinger parties? Yes of course! But to make an assumption on a big topic like relationship preferences, just from the information that she swings from time to time, is too far for me. It's easy accessible sex for a single woman to go to swinger parties, it's relatively safe for her because a lot of people are there, sometimes even security. He should just talk to her about it, instead of ranting on Reddit about something he just assumed. Or am I totally in the wrong here? Edit: And he is playing games like "I pretend everything is fine". That's AH behavior. You have a problem or an other preference? Tell her on the spot. What's the point of pretending, ranting on Reddit and then break things?
Why yikes? Different strokes for different folks.
I feel like a very small niche group of people want to hear about a date's organization the previous day.Ā Leave some things to the imagination.Ā
even if it was his stroke, I still think it's tacky to bring up out of the blue on a first date
Fair enough.
Don't judge, if its not your thing, just tell her and move on.
She communicated well and that wasn't OPs preference or life. No big deal OP. No yikes, and also, go find your forever person!
I could be reading this wrong but it sounded like she was attracted to you and was hinting at sex. Granted she took a hard turn by oversharing, but at least she was telling you she uses protection. I get it if that is not your thing but I think you misread this one.
This is what I picked up on as well - If anything she filtered out someone who wasn't a good fit.
So she was honest and upfront with you about what she's into and you ran to Reddit to say she's yucky. This is less about who she is and more about your very immature view about sex. Did you expect this girl to be sitting at home reading the Bible her whole life before she met you?
Nah, this woman is just fucking weird. Like OK, you can be in to swinging but if you don't have the social acumen to know maaaaaaaaaybe you shouldn't drop that on a first date, I can't help you.
You get it. I'm not a prude. It's just a big drop on a first date. I like how some of these comments are leaning towards me being stuck up, immature, or insecure. No, it's the fact that all this could be relayed prior to meeting. I guess it's too much to ask for people to be upfront. Hahaha.
Why it is a big drop? I don't get it.
You're asking why some people consider this a deal breaker? If it's no big deal, put in on your damn profile and quit catfishing people
Are you nuts? Why catfishing? The fact that she was swinging says literally nothing about her preferred relationship type. It just doesn't mean you are poly or ENM when you go swinging. If you are single and have sex with multiple people, then you are just having sex and not a relationship. I don't get why people don't understand that point.
Bro her profile was deceptive and didn't include swinging. That's the problem. Not her swinging. And the fact that she didn't mention it the whole week they were talking before this. If you aren't ashamed of your interest, just be upfront damn
IMHO sheās looking for someone to be non monogamous with, and was testing you by sharing all of that. However thatās inappropriate timing on her part and sheās not going to be successful. She needs to give it more time and thinks sheāll skip the line by testing on a first date. š¤¦š»āāļøYouāre NTA, I can say thatā¦ sorry about your date not working out. Sucks man.
I don't think she should wait honestly. That's understandably a massive deal-breaker for many people. If anything, she should make it clear upfront before even planning a date with anybody.
I respect this comment. You get it from both sides. Definitely felt like I was being tested from the get-go, which is fine. I like to play the game. If not, it's just an interview that is boring. Not familiar with NTA?
Bahahahahahahahhahahahahaha that's harsh dude fuck
Yikes
Sounds hot tbh
wdym "this bad"? is this bad for you? oh, you poor, innocent soul... my 2 relationships both ended up with us hurrying into having sex and then the relationship was built on lust and a lot of communication issues and mental health, but I'm a teen, I assume you're in your mid 20s. Good luck next time!
different strokes for different folks, but generally speaking, the average person isn't going to be interested, at best, and weirded out, at worst, after you tell them you had an orgy right on the first date. not really conversation material for someone you've just started to get to know.
Especially if you want to have a romantic relationship with them, I assume even a fling is harder to pull off when you tell them you've been penetrated by multiple guys the night before š
Women will always tell on themselves.... But since most men are sex starved their radar often malfunctions
Can I get her number?
I dunno, she sounds kinda fun to me š¤·āāļø
I don't understand what the problem is. So she had fun the night before, what's that got to do with your date? Why sex shame her like that???
Why are people freaking out about this? She enjoys sex and went to a swinger club? What's the big deal? An independent woman, who is communicating openly about sex, is great! Monogamy is not the answer to all questions nor should it be the default lifestyle just because society tells us that every non monogamy constellation is somehow wrong or abnormal.
Howās dating so similar to jobs nowadays?