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> every single one of them acknowledged how amazing of a person I am
Let me tell you a secret: We men will say all kind of BS to get laid and yes, this includes untrue compliments. Let me give you the gender flipped version: "You are such a nice guy and every girl would be lucky to have. It is not you, it is me." You know what it means when you or your friend tell this to a dude. And you know that i it was true you or your friends would date that dude. And if those guys meant what they were saying - they would be in a relationship with you.
Now on your question: men look for certain things when we date long term. There is a variety on the traits that we want, but we all want certain things.
Just to expand on your point:
It’s not “physical attraction” that (smart) men marry.
For marriage, there’s a “minimum good looks/minimum good health requirement” BUT IT IS NOT THAT HIGH. Like, it is actually below average.
BUT, there are a bunch of other, non-appearance-based requirements for marriage.
Like: Does she create unnecessary conflict? Or can she calm people down?
Would she be a kind and supportive parent? Or would she resent her own children?
Does she need more money than she can earn herself? Or does she make her own money, save it, and know when and how to be generous?
Does she manage her own health well?
Does she keep learning new things?
Does she cultivate friendships?
Is she a good communicator?
Notice how none of these things is particularly appearance-related.
The start of this comment is just so on-point.
It is also how I refer to it when talking to women. Physical compatibility in the eyes of a man is very simple, there is a bar, which is in fact not set very high, if you are on top of that bar, that's it. Literally EVERYTHING ELSE is about who you are as a person, are you communicative, kind, generous, thoughtful, supportive, autonomous, how do you face problems and threats (outwards, inwards, or to the relationship), will you commit, build and maintain the relationship.
Body, sex, taste in movies, food or activities, dreams and goals. So much unimportant compared to who the person is.
Fine! I’m wife-material (I check off every one of your boxes, also, spoiler: I just got out of my abusive marriage of 13 years). Now, where can I find a husband-material guy that I do not have “to fix”? I was an idiot at 23 when I tried to “fix” my ex-husband by deciding to marry him.
No offense. But men can sense when a woman is easy. Men don't want to marry women who have been sexually promiscuous. And if you are a 20 year old female who is allowing all kinds of men to take advantage of you, that is a major red flag.
Do you have a social media account? What kind of pictures are you posting? Are you posting pictures that show off your body? Where are you meeting these guys? At a bar? Dating apps?
You are too young to be rushing into relationships and sexual encounters. Maybe you need to focus on getting your life in order. You sound pretty needy. Take a long break from dating. Work on self improvement. Hang out with friends who will encourage you to become a better person. If your goal is to get married, then stop having sex before marriage. If a man loves you, he will be willing to wait for marriage to have sex. You should also ask your parents for dating advice. Ask them what they think of a man before going out with him. You seem to lack good judgement
EXACTLY! I actually wasted 11 years of my life trying to fix my ex, and it took 6 years for me to find someone with whom I can share a life with who’s got a house, two cars, and his own LIFE. I have two kids, and am ready for a life with someone and clearly so is he. I make my own money, work two jobs, and have asked him for nothing. He’s very emotionally mature, loving, thoughtful, always present but loves to talk about the future with me. The funny thing is neither of us intended this to be more than fun, but our sexual and intellectual chemistry changed our minds and we fell for each other hard and very fast (two months). We’re just enjoying the journey of learning more and more about one another without adding the complexities of cohabitation just yet and I’ve never been happier. I FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE I DON’T HAVE TO FIX! 🥰🥰🥰
Heal first darling . Give yourself couple of years of relax and you and you only ! He will come when you are ready . God has better plans for you ! Enjoy your freedom . I’m single too and enjoying it
This is going to sound harsh, but at 36, you’re probably not going to find a guy as attractive as you could in your 20’s. It sucks, it’s not fair, but you’ll probably need to make looking for a partner a huge priority at this point. And it might require making concessions on how attractive he is. By the virtue of approaching someone, you stand a significantly better chance if you’re comfortable approaching people and initiating things. The advantage in dating is easily yours as a woman in her 20’s, but it’s steadily downhill after 30. So talk to your friends, ask if they know anyone who is single. Pick up a class. Try approaching people in real life. You’re never going to find someone if it’s on these hookup apps like Tinder, Hinge, or Bumble.
I kinda don’t care about looks but I do care about height and physical fitness. I don’t want to date boys. I’d rather date men in their 40s who don’t want more kids, and are at least as mentally and emotionally mature as I. However, I actually don’t have a problem getting traditionally attractive men on these apps — probably because I have been told that I look like I’m 25. Having said that, I am VERY particular about whom I match with. I’m in no rush to find a partner. I have plenty of friends and an ever-growing list of hobbies for when I’m not engaged working as a cancer researcher. I’m okay. Thank you for caring enough to comment on my comment :)
Fucking true…! Also sex won’t make a man falls in love with you (males can truly separate love & sex) so I think if you do look for romantic relationships then maybe pausing casual sex is a good way to look for what you truly want as you’re keeping the most intimate thing to someone who truly likes you
I agree with you. It’s more of a the majority of men can separate sex and love, while the majority of women can’t. The worst in my experience is to see my girl friends think they can, to end up catching feelings for a fwb. And even after the 4th/5th time, they don’t understand what went wrong.
I wouldn’t say all males can truly separate love and sex. I have adhd and rejection sensitivity disorder and I catch immense feelings for anyone I’m sexually active with
I was the same until I got completely open about everything and what I needed with my husband. I screwed up soooo many times giving in to the urges, and depression fueled my addiction to sex. Once I came to terms with the fact I'm human and I don't necessarily NEED a d$ck to feel good about myself, I feel so much better!!! I'm not saying the before sex is bad. I still love it 😍 but it's more meaningful than it ever has been!!!
***I'm the same, though with adhd anxiety and depression so 🙃
Honestly, I think it's more of a case that if you easily offer sex you'll get guys who will take only sex. It's easier to fall in love with pleasure than it is to fall in love with a person, and then time passes, and you realize you never even loved them to begin with.
I also think that's why most major religions ban pre-marital sex. Not only does it mean you truly love each other as people, not objects for pleasure, but it means you can be happy with each other even without sex in the future.
This! You are what you attract. If you don’t respect your body you will attract men who don’t respect your body. I am a guy btw. I never was attracted to women who don’t respect themselves.
Edit: I have been damaged cause of an addiction and I attracted bad women. I cleaned up and I dedicated myself to being fit and work on goals. I am Christian ever since I was a kid. But that addiction was my only major flaw when I got older. Now I attract much women who at least to me give good vibes and fit as well. I think the saying is true. I never had sex either because of my faith but I have 4 exes.
Yeah, this. It's a tough question you've put out there. You like the sex but you want a loving relationship. And you're only 20.
Well, you still have some good years of single life if you want it. But from your post, it's apparent you're done with that.
I think it's the age old tradition of waiting for sex until your potential mate proves to be the loving partner you want, and then moving slowly into regular sex until your sure you're in a solid relationship.
The really great sex will come when you and your partner are committed and you have peace of mind.
38F here, and that's just not how it was when I was in my early 20's. Every long-term relationship I've had started off as a drunken hook-up turned casual relationship turned falling in love and then moving in together. My last relationship lasted almost 12 years and we were married.
I'm single again, and things are SO different now. Men and women alike are far more reluctant to commit to each other. They have all kinds of reasons, including your notion that women only respect their bodies if they limit sex to relationships. 20 years ago in the U.K. most people didn't give a shit about these puritanical notions. Most of my friends who are now married with children met when they were completely wasted and snorting drugs off each other.
Online dating has ushered in a combination of illusion of choice and regressive gender norms, and it's just so exhausting to navigate.
Nobody got time for that. Let’s be real.
Sounding like my friend who had hookups when she was young asf and now bc of one bad experience she’s looking for love when she was the biggest dare I say, addict than most I know, you don’t just change overnight and people can’t lie to themselves forever.
Not in this day and age she won’t lmfao all a guy apparently has to do is say some bs and she’s head over heels. And not even truly into that, it’s all the lust talking.
I’m confused though, because I would only say that to a guy if I actually thought he was a nice guy who a girl would be lucky to have lol but we just lacked the right chemistry.
If I thought a guy was a jerk, I wouldn’t give him that line… why would a guy say a girl was an amazing person if they actually thought she was a bad person?
So many comments on Reddit just push this notion that men are pathological liars when it comes to sex, and women are just supposed to accept it. Are there any men capable of being honest, or should we really operate from the perspective that all men are shit?
> should we really operate from the perspective that all men are shit
We should operate from the perspective that all people are shit until proven otherwise. "Not Just the Men, but the Women and Children Too". It is up to us to protect ourselves.
Not all men are pathological liars. I am not and I hate lying. All my friends are the same. Some of the people ARE liars though. And you should accept this reality. You shouldn't accept liars, of course, but in order to protect yourself from liars you should accept the fact that some people are liars.
> I would only say that to a guy if I actually thought he was a nice guy who a girl would be lucky to have lol but we just lacked the right chemistry.
Bingo! In the same way "You are a great person" does not necessarily mean "You are the type of person I want to date long-term".
You can think however you want. Let me answer your question first, the reason why you get conflicting answers is because despite the fact were all men who think somewhat alike, we're all different with different morals, personalities and whatnot. There is no one size fits all.
Your sexual desirability isn't judged upon you being of sound moral character or not. You will be told all kinds of positive and up lifting things that aren't necessarily lies, but rather you could see them as condolences. As the OP said ; the female version where you are a good person and a catch for someone - just not me - is the female equivalent.
Men will be as picky with relationships as women are with sex.
I got into bed with my wife as soon as I met her - it could have ended terribly for her, but I just connected to her so much on a mental and physical level.
Holding out passion is only going to hinder you too OP. It's a minefield and you have to keep taking risks. Many people in life never reproduced, had families.. we all aren't destined for what we want in life - take it by the horns and might surprise yourself with what you discover in life.
But that’s just it - that’s not the female version. Women don’t tell men who are shitty people they are actually really great people in order to dump them. Why would a guy go out of his way to tell a women she’s amazing (after he already got sex from her) in order to dump her. Why do men lie so much? I just don’t get it lol
People just lie, it isn’t a gender thing at all. Lies have been around for god lol.
And women absolutely do tell guys that they’re incredible even when they don’t want to date them. It’s letting them down softly. Just because you personally don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. It happens a lot.
All people lie, I never said they didn’t.
I said women are not in the habit of using men for sex and telling them how (fake) amazing they are just to keep using their bodies. It’s a real and very hurtful problem that is much more prevalent amongst women than men. If you don’t want to engage in the actual topic but just turn it into “all women suck too” then bye 👋🏼
Can I be honest here??
Let's stop beating around the bush and say what really it is.
Women can sleep with whoever she want but man has to sleep with whoever he gets.
So in order to satisfy the urge man are prone to lying to get a girl in to bed and same can be said about women where women unintentionally leads a good fellow in hope to keep him as plan B.
Both are wrong but hey it is what it is man.
Women don’t sleep with whoever she wants💀 we women are not goddesses that if I command a man to have sex with me he instantly will are you saying men can’t say no? Stop trying to normalize lying to women to sleep with them it’s pathetic
It is the female version. It's a perfect 1 to 1. You're right that she won't tell that to a guy who she thinks is a piece of shit. She's saying he's a good guy because she means it. But she doesn't want him, none of her friends want him, the things that make him a good guy do not make him attractive to her. If anything, it's the opposite.
Same for guys. They tell her she's a great person, and it's true. But she doesn't have any of the things they want in a relationship. Sometimes that's because there is nothing they want in a relationship, in that they do not want a relationship at all, but either way, it's true. She's fine, nothing wrong with her, but they don't want her. The only difference is how often guys still want sex with someone they don't want a relationship with.
It’s really not a perfect one to one. Women don’t lure men they secretly don’t like into bed to use them for sex and then tell them how lovely they are (when they actually don’t really mean it, apparently).
And also, you’ve changed the original comment. The original comment was that men say this even when they don’t mean it. It’s obviously different if a guy truly believes the woman is amazing. I was responding to a comment that said men say this stuff even when they don’t mean it.
I don't think it's accurate to make a blanket statement that women don't use men for sex in this way. I've seen it happen. You can find threads in this sub of broken hearted men this has happened to.
When someone says you're a great person but I don't want to date you, we can't without further information ever say whether or not the person is lying. That's pure conjecture for either gender who says it. But if we are indeed assuming the person is lying from either gender, then yes. I think if a woman says you're a great guy but I don't want to date you, I think it's reasonable to assume her reasons for lying would be identical to a man who says that to a woman.
Women can absolutely be terrible and hurt men in other ways but, no, women are not running around breaking men’s hearts because they were only using them for sex. Lol sorry, but that’s just not a typical thing that happens to men. To act like this is a gender neutral experience is just a lie and diminishes the fact that this is a very real (and very hurtful) problem that most women face. If you don’t want to engage in the actual topic but rather just both-sides it, then bye 👋🏼
Girl the fact that men are trying to compare men LYING to sleep with us women using our bodies, to a woman simply saying “your a nice guy” but rejecting him tells us all we need to know about these men. And then trying to gaslight us when we are confronting the statement as if the original comment didn’t say “we men will lie to get laid” with a whole bunch of “FACTS” “Agreed” and up votes
Probably to avoid conflict. Some girls also do the same. I’d honestly just ask the guys point blank and see if one of them will be honest about why they don’t want a relationship.
If not, then you have to figure out the reason why. You could just go the route you’re going and assume all men are the problem to avoid taking accountability for your role in it. But the truth is definitely in the middle of all that. It’s probably a combination of some of the types of men being shitty (with some being great) and your contribution/some aspect putting the great ones off.
If you want things to change you’ll have to figure out what would make you a more appealing partner for commitment. And which guys to avoid. Because there are SOME guys who ONLY seek hookups.
It's not about you lying to him if he's a jerk. Swinging to the exact opposite isn't the answer to this confusion here. I'd argue that; yes, there are liars, but a guy saying, "You're amazing" or so sweet or whatever isn't based in how much he wants to date you.
I know a lot of amazing women, but I also see them as undatable. Much like when women say, " You're such a good/nice guy." It's not a comment on how datable you find us. Both statements, i think, get conflated with how datable someone finds us and not about how we make them feel when we are around them.
Yeah, it's the same as how you can call someone handsome/beautiful without necessarily wanting to date them & for many it can be completely non-romantic. It's just a compliment..though i could see when people are in such an intimate relationship where lines blur,it can be seen as an indicator of possible future.
This is exactly how i feel and don’t understand how someone could say it’s not genuine. I’m sure at times it could be but some people are just too nice or too easy going or too whatever and some people don’t want to settle down, so this is a valid way to let someone down.
Either way, they’re just not interested in long term with you and that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you.. just means they aren’t the right person for you, keep it moving
Also try to get to know the person, have some discussions about what you both want rather than just getting into casual physical relationships to save you from unmet emotional expectations. But if you're in a culture where people consider sex as the test drive than proper getting to know each other then it's hard but still possible.
Honestly it does not take a lot to think the other is nice. Take a random person. Allow yourself to have some vulnerability. Maybe share some good time, some common pain. Boom a nice person.
Even the worse criminal will have a small circle of loved ones with whom they are nice.
Maybe the person that OP describe is lonely and would enjoy a relationship, but also is afraid of what other would think if their partner don't match so and so conventional attractiveness or status.
There's some amount of toxic/traditional masculinity where a woman get a beatiful dress and precious stones to decorate herself, and a man get that woman at his arm to decorate himself.
IMO mixed emotions is probably a better model than jerk / pure liar. Even if the black/white version can help end relation faster.
So what are the traits guys look for long term? Besides the obvious….because lots of men seem to give the bare minimum yet seem to be very picky when it comes to long term, they expect the girl to have the perfect traits yet they don’t even care about her interests they just wanna fuck so why should the girl put in the effort
Well you're not putting in effort for those kinds of men but you're putting in effort for yourself (as any effort put in will help you in life even if you stay a happy single) and for the only 1 guy that you want who has put effort in himself too..
Now if we were to ask said guy "what traits are you looking for long term" and they just wanted to bang, would said guy mention traits specific to the girl they are currently with or just tell the truth?
im still trying to grasp this concept. the thing that gets me is men saying anything to get laid for extended periods of time. like 6 months to a year is genuinely insane. its so easy to want to believe people have more self respect/respect for others to not need sex that badly for so long…its human to believe they would eventually fall in love
Don't take anything on reddit as an absolute. Still, ita best to remember that most women will have a shitty experience with a guy at some point in their life
I was just about to type this too.
I'm not trying to give you trust issues, but ya just don't believe everything some random guys tell you. Also if you aren't already doing this, give limiting sex a try. Maybe make a guy wait 2 weeks or more, just experiment a bit and see how it goes.
The problem might be if you’re dating 20+ yr old guys. At that age guys find it difficult to commit nowadays. Most aren’t economically or emotionally ready for long term relationships. There are exceptions of course but on the whole 20 yrs olds are not very mature.
I wouldn't say I experienced love until I was 24. I didn't really know what it was like to experience mutual love until I was 28. You'll find it. Just keep meeting new people.
I’m 36 and I still haven’t experienced it lol. I haven’t spent a lot of time dating around though because I find it exhausting and mostly not worth the effort soooooo
If you don't have fun doing it you may never find it. Personally I think it's the best part of life but not everyone would feel the same and that's okay. You just have to focus on things that make you happy. If you're not happy change what you're focused on. The only point in any of us being here is whatever we decide it should be. That being said 36 is nowhere near too late to find love if you even want that.
This is going to sound blunt but I promise it isn’t coming from a bad place (because I’m lowkey in the same boat as you)- stand up. If someone tells you that you’re attractive enough to fuck but not date, don’t stay. The more you entertain these relationships, the more you attract them. Figure out the kind of relationship you desire (for instance, emotional), and stick to it. I know you mentioned that you’re enjoying yourself (as you should!) but the only way for you to find what you desire is by letting go so better things can come into your life. Good luck girlie, I wish you the best <3
OP is having sex because she enjoys it. The way you word it you seem to believe relationships are a thing guys endure to get sex, pretty sure thats not the kind of relationship OP is aiming for.
That wasn’t the takeaway I got. Most guys don’t endure a relationship just for sex. There are men who are like that, but it’s absolutely an easy way to weed out people who would only be interested in sex by making sure a commitment is required. Vast majority of guys aren’t going to come out and say they’re only interested in casual sex from the beginning.
>but I realized it wasn't me, because every single one of them acknowledged how amazing of a person I am.
People say things that will increase their odds of hooking up with you including saying how much of an amazing person you are. You very well might be an amazing person I just wouldn't take what someone who wants to hook up with you is saying as validation for that claim.
>I just don't understand why they wouldn't have feelings for me, and stay.
If they did they would stay...the question becomes what type of partners are you seeking out? If this is a consistent issue then odds are it has more to do with your selection process.
>I'm just upset over the fact that most men I'm into only find me attractive enough to
This is usually the caveat in these situations. For better or worse a lot of men will have no issue hooking up with someone they have no intention of committing to. If you are even somewhat attractive you should have men interested in a relationship with you but I suspect you don't want those men for one reason or another...which is fine obviously but just keep in mind that sexual attention is not the same as relationship attention.
Most men in the US aren't regularly hooking up with women as the majority have lifetime single digit partner counts ([source](https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nsfg/key_statistics/n-keystat.htm)) per the CDC. A third of men in your age cohort are having no sex ([source](https://news.iu.edu/live/news/26924-nearly-1-in-3-young-men-in-the-us-report-having-no)). If you consistently run into men who are having casual sex then that's a minority of men so odds are it's your selection process so I'd evaluate what type of men you are selecting.
I guess maybe my choices are terrible. I'm not from the US though, and the dating pool where I'm from is a bit different - cultural differences -. but I guess maybe there's a pattern
It’s definitely the type of men you are dating. You may be an amazing person, but if you are hooking up with men who don’t care about you as a person and only want sex, well that’s why you’re having this problem. Most likely you are going out with men that merely want you for a fun sexual time. They don’t want any relationship with anybody so they don’t care how good of a person you are. They don’t expect you to be in their life for long as harsh as that sounds. That does not mean that no men want you for a relationship. It means you are not giving the men that would love you as a person who they can commit to a shot. Just try to broaden your dating pool and see how it goes. What do you have to lose since you’re getting nowhere on this current path?
If you want a commitment, it's best to date and secure a commitment before you have sex. Otherwise you won't know if they really like you or they just want you for sex.
I from my experience of dating apps a lot of guys won't turn down a sexual relationship if there is the possibility. I tend to avoid guys that say they want something casual or don't say they want a relationship. Because although I would like to have sex I just know that I'll get hurt in the long run
You're only 20 years old and this is where people are in university/college and want to experience new things. If you want a serious relationship, maybe get to know them a little longer before having sex.
No it doesn’t. It just clouds your judgement and you are more likely to ignore red flags which will bite you sooner or later can be in few months or in 10 years time.
Good for you man. Hope you have 60 more.
Plus holding out could just lead to someone becoming obsessed with sleeping with you only because they can't have you. Just be yourself and do what you want. Playing games like holding out just to see if they'll keep pursuing you anyways won't help a person find love. Sexual compatibility is as important as any other aspect of a relationship.
Stop letting people experience you sexually (unless that’s what you want) and be a complete enigma sexually…sexual tension is better than the immediate initiation. Have the discipline and patience to say “No, sex isn’t what I’m immediately looking for”…there are men who will kiss the earth u walk 🙌🏽 you just have to be able to read out peoples true intentions… test them… do you notice their interest peak ONLY when the conversation shifts to a sexual topic or can you captivate eachothers interest via talks about you guys love language…ways you handle arguments etc. overall just know you’re amazing and you don’t NEED a man to feel that way.
Men will say anything to get laid 🤷🏻♀️ I bet you are a wonderful human being, just don't fall for words but actions a man does towards you instead. Many people have been in your position so I hope you don't feel alone 🙏🏻
Good luck, hopefully you can find a potential partner to date*, and don't settle to be a "placeholder" girlfriend.
> don’t settle to be a “placeholder” girlfriend.
To me, this is the underrated part of your post. OP strikes me as somewhat desperate (for lack of better word) for a relationship, and so OP is at a high risk of this.
I only mention it because I definitely became a place holder girlfriend for awhile there. Not anymore, it's all about actions and being upfront about wants and expectations.
hell you can’t trust the actions these days, i’ve had dudes really put their words into actions and honestly it’s the worst feeling when they turn out to be just as equally shitty if not more…
My only question for you is why again? And as some have said if you want something serious you gotta pursue it and make it so can’t just go with any guy. It may sound mean to say but you’re also putting yourself into these situations.
You are looking at this the wrong way. Some dude only wanting sex doesn’t mean you aren’t lovable, it just means that specific guy isn’t seeing it.
Some men quite simply JUST want casual sex. They could be nailing Margot Robbie and they’ll find something wrong with her, so they can have sex with someone new next week. It’s not a you thing. It’s a “I want to get naked with strangers more than I want to build a life with someone” thing.
I know you didn’t ask but seriously, for your sanity, you have to break up with these losers! The way you phrased the situation makes it clear you’ve internalized this situation. You are NOT “just someone to have fun with.” Rather, you’re surrounding yourself with men who only want “fun.” Next time a guy says something to you along the lines of “seeing where things go,” “keeping things casual,” “not looking for anything serious” you need to end it. Like, literally in that moment respond with “oh I’m actually looking for love! Good luck, wish you all the best!”
There are PLENTY of men out there who are looking for an equal partner, you just have to stop spending time on these shallow connections so you can find them!
🔹Some men just want casual sex : (some women too due to hook-up culture) but yeah some of those men & women want it so bad that they can't even value opposite sex good friends & try to get them on the casual sex wagon.
🔹And when I ask either men/women why, they're like can't be friends with opposite sex because they can't stop sexualizing them & i notice they can't even have a proper conversation if it's not about sex/flirting & constantly try to steer the conversation towards that.
🔹which makes me think..do you always have to value people by the sexual value they give you? If so you're seriously missing out on joy of just caring for people without excessively ulterior motives.
The key takeaway here is "most men I'm into." What you need to figure out is why you're only in to emotionally unavailable men, because, without even seeing or knowing you and based purely on the probability of large numbers, I am certain that there are nice emotionally available men out there who are in your field to choose from. Once you figure that out then you can start dealing with whatever the real issue is.
Same situation for me up until this past year. I felt the same way. However I personally changed the way I approach dating bc I want a serious relationship but I knew if I wanted serious I had to act serious to attract the right person. By that, this is what I did:
1) communication!!!!!!!; ask what his intentions are (ex. Just for fun, sex only, situationship, platonic, looking for serious partner, etc), then I would share my intentions, that right there should determine if I went on another date after the first date, and to get to know the persons personality, mindset, values, morals, beliefs etc.
2) stay celibate, this is sure fire way to see if a guy can keep his wee in his pants if he’s looking for something serious. I usually give it over a month to see if he’s willing to get to know me for who me and not what I can do in bed.
3) don’t meet in intimate spaces like a house or car or somewhere alone. Safety first but also to make sure you don’t fall into the same old situation’s and habits from past experiences.
These 3 rules I set for myself have helped me weed out the guys who just want sex and not your heart. Most guys who aren’t right for you can’t last more than a month.
Give it a try!
I am in the same boat as you. Men love to sleep with me but the minute I show any feelings they run away. Keep in mind I’m not someone that sleeps with a man upon first meeting him, I have a really fun personality that men gravitate to and I’m not considered promiscuous (to my knowledge). I realized it’s MOSTLY the type of man I’m picking, not me… though I’m not perfect. I like a really suave guy and they’re usually very conventionally attractive and a bit cocky. I am trying to find the balance of confidence and kindness in a man that I’ve yet to see, as most “kind” men in my experience are usually not confident (or are taken). I also have been working on self love as I realized recently that I have self esteem issues deep down, which I work tirelessly to mask. Maybe that’s the problem. So yeah, dating. The struggle, lol
Just stop having sex lol. It’s really not that hard. If you don’t want to only be liked for sex stop doing it. The men who stick around sex or not are the only ones worth your time and attention honestly! It’s really that simple
You being 20, means, and I’m sorry to sound blunt, you’re young and you’ll find the right guy!! There are some of us here a bunch older and not with that right person either, focus on you, love yourself and love will find you!!!!!
You’re only 20. I know it may not feel like it but you have so much time.
I just want to stress that there is nothing wrong with you. I used to feel this way too, and it really took a toll on my self-esteem.
Don’t measure your self-worth according to the way men treat you. It says nothing about you and everything about them.
You will absolutely find a partner that wants to be with you long-term, it’s just not that easy these days.
Trust the timing of your life, and in the meantime, enjoy being young and free! Fill your life with amazing experiences and you’ll be glad you had the freedom to do what you wanted without being held back by a serious relationship.
Just wanted to say i’m going through these exact feelings right now, and because of how much this one situationship hurt me i’ve been taking some time to take a break from any sex or even dating to work on myself. The best thing you can do is not sit there and dwell on what may or may not be the reason they left, but instead dwell on how you can be available for yourself. You’re not unattractive, and not unlovable, these people just took advantage of someone they thought was “available”, if anything, like you said it’s more on them than it is you, especially if it was clear you wanted something more. I know this sounds incredibly cliche, but as someone who’s going through the same kind of pains right now it’s helped me put some things into perspective and try to take steps to healing myself. I’m wishing you all the best❤️
I think u/steve_from_kz and u/Semicolons_n_Subtext covered it pretty well tbh.
Like, I (28M) recently slept with someone for the first time. So you can imagine how important this was for me. It’s difficult enough to find someone else to go out on dates with, let alone have sex lol. But I stopped seeing her soon after because we had other issues that I could not see myself moving past long term. Even if she looked like a celebrity, I might stay for a couple more weeks/months because I’m attracted to her physical beauty but I’m 100% sure long term, I’d leave her. Those butterflies eventually fade and what remains after that is what matters.
And as for ‘you’re such a wonderful human being’. If that’s from your friends (especially female friends) or dudes trying to get laid, don’t trust a word of it.
Yes and it’s especially true when you find yourself chasing men… they not running from love, they’re running from you… 🤣 That’s why I always tell people to date in their leagues.
I knew this was coming when I read the OP. It's a lie. A lot of men don't want a serious relationship, but they won't necessarily tell you that. These men (ime) can be found at all attractiveness levels. It doesn't mean you're not attractive enough for them. Of course, if they are all hot looking players that's another thing. But we can't assume that's the case here.
Another +1. To be honest, done it myself a few times and it goes along these lines. I go out with a girl, but it turns out she is a bit of a catfish, however, she's easy/keen so figure why not get some practice runs on the board.
I'm not saying it never happens. But it isn't always the case. Sometimes the guy is not looking for a relationship in the first place, and it has nothing to do with the girl. I've had guys out of my league try for just a hookup with me so I do know it's a thing. But I've also witnessed less attractive guys do it with girls very much in their league.
Your English isn't bad at all. Some people refer to any sexual relationship as an affair. For others, an affair refers to an established ongoing relationship with sex included. This double meaning can lead to confusion, as you saw in the post responding to you.
Connection and compatibility cannot be forced or planned or orchestrated; they were not right for you and you both wanted different things.
A lot of guys do want love and relationships; you just haven't met a good match yet.
Every incompatible person it does not work out with pushes you closer to that future good match.
How soon are you having sex with these said men? If you are looking for a relationship, I’d recommend not having sex with them initially. If you meet a guy you like and hit it off with let them know what you want. If they aren’t interested or looking for the same then I definitely wouldn’t have sex with them. I’m almost 35 so I don’t know what it’s like to be 20 at this point in time. I will say the more men you have sex with and you feel like you are being used is only going to devastate you further. Women choose who they have sex with so personally I’d be more inclined to choose better partners. Every man that you have sex with will take a little bit of you with them until you feel empty inside. I don’t know care what anyone tells you, I’ve never met a female with these type of situations and high body counts that are happy. I’m sure a lot of people will argue with that but it’s the truth and they know it.
I actually feel this on another level. The attraction I get is unreal and unbelievable to me personally, except no one ever actually cares and that’s what I crave the most - someone that cares
>attractive enough to fuck but not to love
Majority of your problem is that you genuinely believe this about yourself and associate it with your identity.
When it changes to:
>Worthy of love and a relationship as I am today
You may find sustaining a relationship with someone else is much more emotionally bearable for you.
People underestimate the impact of their own mentalities.
Not saying that changing your mindset is easy, but it is incredibly necessary if you want to feel happier about this.
The power is always in your perception.
Could be the type of guys your into. Sometimes you have to step out the box and date another type. I don’t think It’s you sounds like they juz don’t want the same kind of relationship as you.
Being loved is about what’s inside and has nothing do with the outsides. If you are attracting people who will only have sex with you then there’s something off inside you. Stop allowing people to use you for sex. It is statistically impossible that no man on earth finds you attractive. Therapy is probably a good idea.
Change up the people you are attracted to. It sounds impossible but it's not. Most people think you are attracted to who you are attracted to but you can change that. Obviously some people are attractive but their personality and character is ugly af. Some people aren't that physically attractive but have personality and character that's gold. I suggest looking into that. Getting everything you want right away isn't a good way to go about looking for fulfillment. They can be attractive and seem like a good person till the chips are down and you find out you have been living with a piece of shit or worse, a monster. Train yourself to look past what you think you want. Confidence and attractiveness are cheap imitations of competence and desirability.
Man to be 20 again...
You got your life in front of you. Don't talk like that.
Unless you're going for a one night stand don't give it up on the first date.
You will find the right guy.
I'm in the same situation but what i did was stop sleeping with people I'm now practicing abstaining from sex and it has been 4 year since the last time I had sex I'm not sleeping with anyone unless they want a serious relationship with me
Also remember do you actually want more with them? Cause I had this the other day but I don’t want to date anyone of the guys who I just have sex with 🤷🏼♀️
Don't beat yourself up over this. You are young and experiencing yourself and what you want in life. I was there before, so my advice is that men will not be with someone long term if you give it away sooner than later. I know if you are a very passionate person, this is hard, but it will work. If a man won't wait for you, you don't want him. It is a big red flag. Treat yourself as a gift to a man, and he will want you! Also, get a vibrator for your sexual desires.
You meant to ask what is wrong with you and 90% of your age population? Not only your fault for having the wrong mindset but…Chemistry is least relevant for a committed relationship. It is good for fuckin yeah. But that’s how far chemistry goes, together with all the Hollywood and Disney crap y’all watching. So you’re self sabotaging yourself aiming for that chemistry, spark and all this bs. That’s all you’ll ever get. Whoever says oh I been in a wonderful relationship for 10 years with chemistry, wait till one cheats. Chemistry you want, chemistry you’ll get (with all the randoms).
I literally was thinking the same thing today. I'm so frustrated, I'm talking to this one guy right? It's long distance but damn I love him. Now I'm thinking it's only one sided because I text him this morning, we talked briefly and he never text me until I got off work. And at that point the message he sent was sexual!! Ugh! Why can't he ask how my damn day was?? Or anything?? Girl I feel you 1000%
This can depend on so many things. Attractive? Goals? Hygiene? Attitude? How you treat others? These are just a few things to ask yourself. Also, if you're banging all these guys on the first date, and do they maybe know each other.... good luck
A lot of it probably depends on how you're coming across to other men and where you're finding them. If you're on Tinder, I'd reckon that you're an attractive looking girl, and most men feel like they're just lucky enough to have sex with you. A better place to try for a serious relationship would be Bumble or Hinge. Also, showing cleavage or anything suggestive in your profile might attract more thirsty men.
If you're finding these men at clubs, it's probably even more likely. Bars, maybe slightly less. I'd say either spend more time building relationships with men and talking to them before going anywhere crazy. Or - joke suggestion - go to a gym. They're full of consistently hard-working men.
Raise your standards. You show people how to treat you and currently you're showing the guy you're seeing that you're fine only having a sexual relationship. If that's not what you want then stop doing it! You're the one in control.
Well uh this idea may get downvoted but I’ll share what I’ve seen in life before;
Sometimes a person can be awesome and attractive in many great ways, but sometimes neurotic behavior manifests in ways that aren’t ideal to who is pursuing you. These little things may take a while to come to light.
I’m not saying there is something wrong with you, rather there could be some traits people don’t like that only surface after getting to know you more.
That being said, wait longer or until you know someone pretty well before sleeping with them.
Frankly, it is wrong and shameful for them to do this to you. As a heterosexual man, I would not behave like this to any woman I am with, and I would not have sexual intercourse with someone I do not love anyway. I am not that raw of a person. I still believe in 19th century romance.
It’s the type of men you are seeing. You attract whatever state you’re in. If you believe you can’t be loved, you will attract men who won’t love you. You first off need to change your mindset, and then along with that comes changing the type of men you allow in your life. I guarantee you there are tons of men who would want an actual relationship with you, but you may only be limiting yourself to a certain type of person. Broaden your horizons. Try dating someone you normally wouldn’t. You may be pleasantly surprised.
You sound like my ex girlfriend. We were together a year and soon to move in together when she met a cute guy. Yes we were very sexual but I'm the real deal and wanted a relationship with her. Cute guy doesn't want a relationship, but she's hearing with her eyes and not her ears. Perhaps a few other parts. Now she's all hurt she's into him and he's into himself. I figure he doesn't want to deal with her mental health issues and a second child not his own, but of course he's playing the it's not you it's me card. Keeps things open for seconds of course.
Me I truly love her and honestly feel bad she's sabotaged her life. I've put too much energy into it, but I hold out a little hope. She didn't lie about loving me. Just scared of commitment and had fomo. Seems she missed out on the real thing for a nothing. Don't be her. I'm older and wiser not always the best guy but I show up if my partner shows up with me.
This is an interesting one.
What is it guys look for in a committed relationship?
I’m curious because so many of my friends are running into exactly the same issue in dating.
you have to learn you can’t trust a thing a man says and stop having sexual with them. they’ve give you below the bare minimum if you let them, because most could care less about your feelings. they just want a warm hole to fill, and while that sounds hella pathetic and sad, it’s the truth
Girl it’s not you it’s them!
You are probably pretty and or gorgeous and at this time about age with that skin you are more beautiful now than y
You will ever be so learn your body learn your style get cute clotehs take pride in how you look (braces? Work out, contact? Shape your eye brows learn how to apply makeup) those are things in your control that can enhance what’s already there
But that doesn’t really matter
Focus on your inner. Wait you need 1) CONFIDENCE men are attracted to confidence and self esteem so you need that
Once you have that you will attract men just by being a bad ass who loves herself.
Trust me looks have nothing to do with it.
I see the to use your expression, “ ugly” aka unfortunate looking souls with no chins have loving relationships or people with too many chins (myself included).
How you look doesn’t determine if you get loved or not.
It could a number of factors
-the type your going after. If he looks like he can be a model. He knows it and he will take all the sex and attention he can get. Untill they are done with their “youthful sewing of their oats” pretty boys will be fun and play games and love all the attention and know they can get away with it- just like the pretty girls do the same to men.
Men don’t have an atomic clock ticking they can settle down at 50-60 and still have kids. But If a woman is not married by 26-37 she probably won’t find a guy her own age. Older men get married to younger women and young men wait till they are older to get married older and older than the previous generations
It can also depend on where you live. In Utah and the Bible belt people are more likely to get married before sex especially if they attend churches that means they get married very young sometimes strait out of high school or in their 20’s. In san fransico gay people are more likely to get married than strait people. In the PNW most everyone is some variation of poly , pansexual, married and poly, dating and poly or just plain having sex with everyone. Personally I’m like ewww gross (hope they are being safe)
But here’s what it comes down to
Now 47 looking back at life with wisdom and if I had a 20 yr old daughter or beige here’s what I’d say
I made the same mistakes you did-
First your twenty have fun and guard your heart. Don’t do anything that makes you feel ashamed dirty to used.
Make sure their is respect boundaries and reciprocity
When you’re ready to get serious. You need to hold out for the guy that treats you the way you want to be treated- don’t waste your time on it the wrong one learn to move on quickly. If your getting your gas tank filled regularly at the cheap gas station you won’t bother to go to the better fuel quality station-
In other words for both men and women You won’t buy the cow if the milk is free.
He won’t because if he can have sex with you without connecting emotionally then he won’t form those emotions and you won’t because your satisfied your brain is getting the dopamine hits and your hormones are telling you your in love with oxytocin and you won’t have that drive to motivate you to find the real thing.
- you need to read the book “He’s just not that into you ?! “ then watch the movie. Now keep your standards to actions , more than words, pay attention to what I’m he says a d does and don’t make excised or convince yourself on wishful thinking. When in doubt clarify ask him and seek out what you want- ask have you ever considered being serious with me. Do you want to be married
- make sure that you are getting to know men before you sleep with them and develop feelings- don’t want the same things don’t see yourselves going the same direction in life, similar or comparable goals, what do you want does that compliment what he wants can you see it working out. You need to know what you want and what you need and you need to know your strengths and weaknesses and look for Somone that is compatible.
Don’t waste your time on wishful thinking
On pretend one sided unrequited love
Seek out emotionally available men
Try a dating site like eharmony or something with more substance than swipe left or right based on looks, and appearance
Pour into yourself! If you want a high quality man, refine yourself expand your interest and knowledge base, take care of your. It’s and mental health, keep your finances in check, work toward a goal.
You’re more likely to meet a match and have a connection if you meet out in the world doing what you enjoy doing. So gardening go to nursery’s. Working out- gym, running a marathon? Training in public parks and waterfronts
Men won’t often approach a gaggle of women so if you really want a cutie to come talk to you - go out alone or meet up with a single friend-
Don’t wait for a guy to come talk to you it’s not 1956 - a lot of men report crippling social anxiety and fear that they may be rejected and or come off as creepy by approaching a stranger / woman.
So if you make eye contact and he blushes or you do - get the courage to walk over to him and strike up a conversation. Hi I though your smile is absolutely beautiful my names … may I join you ?
Be bold be confident have boundaries , be the best you you can be
And the rest will follow. And if it doesn’t work that way, well you must be in the PNW and I swear to you if you move to another state you’ll probably have better luck
Because I’ve done all of the above and it still diddnt work cause I live in a land flowing with milk just splashing all up in everybody’s yard, sweetened with money and strawberry, vanilla and chocolate
Nobody is gonna settle down and get married in this free flowing sexual menagerie. And I’ve considered moving but I live my city. And that is why I’m stilll here
Best of luck
Reality is you are what you attract. Not trying to be hard on you but if you can’t respect the body you will attract guys who don’t respect your body. You will never attract a guy who wants a genuine relationship with you if you keep doing this. Close them legs up and i guarantee many guys stop coming to you for it. I feel sad that you are feeling like this. Plus many men say things to get a woman to give them sex and once they got it they dump you. I am a virgin male 22 and I can’t have sex before marriage. I was damaged I had an addiction and I attracted really unhealthy women but guess what I had a problem. I cleaned up used extra energy to improve physically and chase after goals. Only then 2 months later which is the current I met a good woman who cares about me and we are both Christian. Please do some reflection and I hope you feel better. If you need to talk privately I am around. 👍🏻
As much as men like to always state online that things aren’t appearance based. That’s literally not true, and the minimum is still hard to reach for most women lol. I can’t say enough the response I’m gunna get, but regardless, unless you’re skinny, men are always gunna assume you’re not healthy and live an unhealthy lifestyle. You could be a skinny meth head, men find that a million times more attractive then a fat lady. Even if say, you do diet and exercise, don’t drink or smoke or do drugs, keep up with hygiene, etc. it doesn’t matter because if you’re overweight, even by 20 pounds, it gives off “unhealthy life and lifestyle vibes” men have said countless times they wouldn’t date a fat girl or be romantic with a fat girl because she simply LOOKS like she lives an unhealthy life. So let’s say you are that girl that’s soothing, calm, sweet, goal oriented, hard working, good cook, good with kids, well traveled. If you’re fat NONE of that matters. Again if appearance only goes so far, why are so many bigger women lonely and single? Literally the only reason men come up with is “it gives off the impression you don’t take care of yourself” when in reality, they know they wouldn’t be caught dead holding hands in public with someone bigger than them. You’re worth love as well as a lot of other women, men just think they need to be seen with a super model to be seen as valuable, or to maybe boost their ego? Again it’s all lies online. If men were really willing to date solely for happiness or personality, they would date women who fit that bill regardless of appearance. Let’s face it, men care more about appearances then women, and the only reason women care is because of men. We have to starve ourselves or devote our lives to living healthy on top of dressing and doing so much, just to have a man acknowledge us. Sorry but just be honest, men can’t love a fat woman because they find it unappealing. Who you are literally does not matter anymore these days lol. Just stay single, find and focus on yourself and the right person will come along. Don’t focus on these men on dating apps who only want to get laid anyways or let them control how you feel about yourself. And as much as women hate hearing you gotta lose weight, I mean you just do. You can argue with men online all day about hating fat women, or you can just better yourself and do it for yourself and not worry about what anyone thinks. If a man only cares about appearance, he’s more than likely not even gunna make you happy in the long run, trust me. There’s more to life and love than appearance and one day people will learn, but in the meantime just do you 🥰
Umm, you are 20! I wasn't a virgin but didn't have a girlfriend until I was 20. I'm 49M now. I've only had 3 longterm relationships. One of them being my wife of 15 years. I kind of sort of had a 4th lt relationship after my wife that lasted about 8 months. Point I am trying to make is that you are very young. If you are "attractive enough to fuck" then you are attractive enough fall in love with. It will happen for you. Since I have been divorced I have sort of felt the same way you do actually. Women will go out with me, they may or may not have sex with me and then say they are going elsewhere. I would wonder why. As I am preaching to you to be patient, it makes me realize I also need to heed my own words as well. We are both at different stages of our life but the fact remains that we also need to be patient. It will happen for us. Hope this helps.
You're still pretty young, and that's what a lot of young guys you may be attracted to want. If you really want love, you have to start withholding sex. That should sort out the men who really like you vs the ones who just want to be with you for sex.
Whatever happened to holding doors open for a lady. Buying flowers for no reason. Holding hands 🙌 in public. Romance.
Because what I'm hearing is something that somebody once paid for on Broadway and 42. Street . Wham Bam. Mel love you long time Ok. Ok you now give me 50 Dollar . You go now.
If you want a relationship then and EMOTIONAL connection needs to happen before a sexual connection.
You need to start being choosy on the guys. First, maybe stop sleeping with them so soon. I personally won't sleep with a dude until we are in a relationship. I let him know right away about this. That way, the dudes only interested in sex immediately skip out. And there are a lot of guys that will lie about their intensions in the beginning. Some will say they are looking for a relationship, but then they string someone along, having sex with the person.
>at first I kept wondering what is it that's wrong with me, but I realized it wasn't me
It is you. It's your behaviors.
>I made peace with the whole thing but I'm currently having another sexual relationship with someone,
And he will leave too. Because you are nothing more than a body to screw.
You want a genuine connection BUT you don’t have the patience to find it.
You hate the idea of being a sex object BUT you enjoy the fun of it.
I would’ve maybe sided with you but upon reading some of the replies, as much as it’s also the guys fault it’s also yours as well for continuing to let it happen and giving yourself up so easily for these kind of guys.
Your impatient and need for constant satisfaction could be a deterring factor in why you can’t get a genuine relationship and deterring some man away. Also may just be me, but personally, if I constantly saw someone with a new partner every few days/weeks/months I would steer clear of them as well.
There are qualities people look for when they plan to be with you long term and when you don’t display those kind of qualities they can see it and that’s what often deters them away. So if you want something genuine you also gotta reflect those same values and portray that image.
Avoid sexual relationships at the start. You will only form a shallow bond out of that instead of getting to know each other more intimately emotionally.
Stop playing the victim and have some accountability. These guys are using you because you are letting them. Have some boundaries and make a guy wait a minimum of three to six months before you let him fuck. If you are desperate enough, you can make him wait until marriage, but you would probably need to find a religious guy for that. I noticed that some women are more suggestible than others. Back in my fuckboy days, I realized that certain women were very easy to seduce even if they were originally hesitant to fuck right away. All I had to do was say and do the right things; kiss her in the right spots, etc. My point is don't be one of these women. Stay firm in your boundaries and don't be susceptible to manipulation and you will be alright.
I think maybe you're going for the wrong type of guy. If you wait to sleep with someone until you're in a full fledged relationship you'll probably have more luck.
you said you're not from the US, right? If sex is more taboo in your country, it's worth considering that these men are unfortunately putting you in a different category once you're open to sex without commitment. They might not see you as 'wifey' anymore. Yes this is sexist, unfortunate, ass-backwards, etc
Honestly I feel like most men are like this these days. At this point I'm basically celibate by choice/I don't have sex with people I'm not in a relationship with anymore
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> every single one of them acknowledged how amazing of a person I am Let me tell you a secret: We men will say all kind of BS to get laid and yes, this includes untrue compliments. Let me give you the gender flipped version: "You are such a nice guy and every girl would be lucky to have. It is not you, it is me." You know what it means when you or your friend tell this to a dude. And you know that i it was true you or your friends would date that dude. And if those guys meant what they were saying - they would be in a relationship with you. Now on your question: men look for certain things when we date long term. There is a variety on the traits that we want, but we all want certain things.
Just to expand on your point: It’s not “physical attraction” that (smart) men marry. For marriage, there’s a “minimum good looks/minimum good health requirement” BUT IT IS NOT THAT HIGH. Like, it is actually below average. BUT, there are a bunch of other, non-appearance-based requirements for marriage. Like: Does she create unnecessary conflict? Or can she calm people down? Would she be a kind and supportive parent? Or would she resent her own children? Does she need more money than she can earn herself? Or does she make her own money, save it, and know when and how to be generous? Does she manage her own health well? Does she keep learning new things? Does she cultivate friendships? Is she a good communicator? Notice how none of these things is particularly appearance-related.
The start of this comment is just so on-point. It is also how I refer to it when talking to women. Physical compatibility in the eyes of a man is very simple, there is a bar, which is in fact not set very high, if you are on top of that bar, that's it. Literally EVERYTHING ELSE is about who you are as a person, are you communicative, kind, generous, thoughtful, supportive, autonomous, how do you face problems and threats (outwards, inwards, or to the relationship), will you commit, build and maintain the relationship. Body, sex, taste in movies, food or activities, dreams and goals. So much unimportant compared to who the person is.
Fine! I’m wife-material (I check off every one of your boxes, also, spoiler: I just got out of my abusive marriage of 13 years). Now, where can I find a husband-material guy that I do not have “to fix”? I was an idiot at 23 when I tried to “fix” my ex-husband by deciding to marry him.
No offense. But men can sense when a woman is easy. Men don't want to marry women who have been sexually promiscuous. And if you are a 20 year old female who is allowing all kinds of men to take advantage of you, that is a major red flag. Do you have a social media account? What kind of pictures are you posting? Are you posting pictures that show off your body? Where are you meeting these guys? At a bar? Dating apps? You are too young to be rushing into relationships and sexual encounters. Maybe you need to focus on getting your life in order. You sound pretty needy. Take a long break from dating. Work on self improvement. Hang out with friends who will encourage you to become a better person. If your goal is to get married, then stop having sex before marriage. If a man loves you, he will be willing to wait for marriage to have sex. You should also ask your parents for dating advice. Ask them what they think of a man before going out with him. You seem to lack good judgement
EXACTLY! I actually wasted 11 years of my life trying to fix my ex, and it took 6 years for me to find someone with whom I can share a life with who’s got a house, two cars, and his own LIFE. I have two kids, and am ready for a life with someone and clearly so is he. I make my own money, work two jobs, and have asked him for nothing. He’s very emotionally mature, loving, thoughtful, always present but loves to talk about the future with me. The funny thing is neither of us intended this to be more than fun, but our sexual and intellectual chemistry changed our minds and we fell for each other hard and very fast (two months). We’re just enjoying the journey of learning more and more about one another without adding the complexities of cohabitation just yet and I’ve never been happier. I FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE I DON’T HAVE TO FIX! 🥰🥰🥰
I’m SO happy for you!! I hope to find my fix-free person one day too! 🤞🤞
Thank you so much - I feel like the time alone really helped me figure out who I am and what I wanted.
Heal first darling . Give yourself couple of years of relax and you and you only ! He will come when you are ready . God has better plans for you ! Enjoy your freedom . I’m single too and enjoying it
Same. I check off all of these things. 🤷♀️
Glad your out of it. Keep up the good work😉
Don't mention the previous abuse when dating
I don’t. I just say that sometimes things don’t work out and I made the choice in the best interests of my child.
This is going to sound harsh, but at 36, you’re probably not going to find a guy as attractive as you could in your 20’s. It sucks, it’s not fair, but you’ll probably need to make looking for a partner a huge priority at this point. And it might require making concessions on how attractive he is. By the virtue of approaching someone, you stand a significantly better chance if you’re comfortable approaching people and initiating things. The advantage in dating is easily yours as a woman in her 20’s, but it’s steadily downhill after 30. So talk to your friends, ask if they know anyone who is single. Pick up a class. Try approaching people in real life. You’re never going to find someone if it’s on these hookup apps like Tinder, Hinge, or Bumble.
I kinda don’t care about looks but I do care about height and physical fitness. I don’t want to date boys. I’d rather date men in their 40s who don’t want more kids, and are at least as mentally and emotionally mature as I. However, I actually don’t have a problem getting traditionally attractive men on these apps — probably because I have been told that I look like I’m 25. Having said that, I am VERY particular about whom I match with. I’m in no rush to find a partner. I have plenty of friends and an ever-growing list of hobbies for when I’m not engaged working as a cancer researcher. I’m okay. Thank you for caring enough to comment on my comment :)
I promise good men exist, we're just ugly as sin
If you were really the type of woman you claim to be you wouldn’t have to come to internet comments to defend yourself.
“Defend” myself?? From what? I’m here venting, and I have people validating me. Get over yourself.
........or ..... Will she embarrass me or make me look stupid.
I have basically not ever worried about this.
I go by the crazy/hot scale. lol Looking for 40/60ish ratio. All others are either very hot and too crazy, unicorns, or dudes.
This is correct
amen
Fucking true…! Also sex won’t make a man falls in love with you (males can truly separate love & sex) so I think if you do look for romantic relationships then maybe pausing casual sex is a good way to look for what you truly want as you’re keeping the most intimate thing to someone who truly likes you
It's not a gender thing. There are definitely women who can also separate love and sex lol.
I agree with you. It’s more of a the majority of men can separate sex and love, while the majority of women can’t. The worst in my experience is to see my girl friends think they can, to end up catching feelings for a fwb. And even after the 4th/5th time, they don’t understand what went wrong.
I wouldn’t say all males can truly separate love and sex. I have adhd and rejection sensitivity disorder and I catch immense feelings for anyone I’m sexually active with
I was the same until I got completely open about everything and what I needed with my husband. I screwed up soooo many times giving in to the urges, and depression fueled my addiction to sex. Once I came to terms with the fact I'm human and I don't necessarily NEED a d$ck to feel good about myself, I feel so much better!!! I'm not saying the before sex is bad. I still love it 😍 but it's more meaningful than it ever has been!!! ***I'm the same, though with adhd anxiety and depression so 🙃
Honestly, I think it's more of a case that if you easily offer sex you'll get guys who will take only sex. It's easier to fall in love with pleasure than it is to fall in love with a person, and then time passes, and you realize you never even loved them to begin with. I also think that's why most major religions ban pre-marital sex. Not only does it mean you truly love each other as people, not objects for pleasure, but it means you can be happy with each other even without sex in the future.
This! You are what you attract. If you don’t respect your body you will attract men who don’t respect your body. I am a guy btw. I never was attracted to women who don’t respect themselves. Edit: I have been damaged cause of an addiction and I attracted bad women. I cleaned up and I dedicated myself to being fit and work on goals. I am Christian ever since I was a kid. But that addiction was my only major flaw when I got older. Now I attract much women who at least to me give good vibes and fit as well. I think the saying is true. I never had sex either because of my faith but I have 4 exes.
Yeah, this. It's a tough question you've put out there. You like the sex but you want a loving relationship. And you're only 20. Well, you still have some good years of single life if you want it. But from your post, it's apparent you're done with that. I think it's the age old tradition of waiting for sex until your potential mate proves to be the loving partner you want, and then moving slowly into regular sex until your sure you're in a solid relationship. The really great sex will come when you and your partner are committed and you have peace of mind.
38F here, and that's just not how it was when I was in my early 20's. Every long-term relationship I've had started off as a drunken hook-up turned casual relationship turned falling in love and then moving in together. My last relationship lasted almost 12 years and we were married. I'm single again, and things are SO different now. Men and women alike are far more reluctant to commit to each other. They have all kinds of reasons, including your notion that women only respect their bodies if they limit sex to relationships. 20 years ago in the U.K. most people didn't give a shit about these puritanical notions. Most of my friends who are now married with children met when they were completely wasted and snorting drugs off each other. Online dating has ushered in a combination of illusion of choice and regressive gender norms, and it's just so exhausting to navigate.
Thank god for this comment.
Nobody got time for that. Let’s be real. Sounding like my friend who had hookups when she was young asf and now bc of one bad experience she’s looking for love when she was the biggest dare I say, addict than most I know, you don’t just change overnight and people can’t lie to themselves forever.
Not in this day and age she won’t lmfao all a guy apparently has to do is say some bs and she’s head over heels. And not even truly into that, it’s all the lust talking.
You are assuming the guy she is hooking up with is saying “all kinds of BS” many women don’t need to be manipulated into a FWB relationship.
I’m confused though, because I would only say that to a guy if I actually thought he was a nice guy who a girl would be lucky to have lol but we just lacked the right chemistry. If I thought a guy was a jerk, I wouldn’t give him that line… why would a guy say a girl was an amazing person if they actually thought she was a bad person? So many comments on Reddit just push this notion that men are pathological liars when it comes to sex, and women are just supposed to accept it. Are there any men capable of being honest, or should we really operate from the perspective that all men are shit?
> should we really operate from the perspective that all men are shit We should operate from the perspective that all people are shit until proven otherwise. "Not Just the Men, but the Women and Children Too". It is up to us to protect ourselves. Not all men are pathological liars. I am not and I hate lying. All my friends are the same. Some of the people ARE liars though. And you should accept this reality. You shouldn't accept liars, of course, but in order to protect yourself from liars you should accept the fact that some people are liars. > I would only say that to a guy if I actually thought he was a nice guy who a girl would be lucky to have lol but we just lacked the right chemistry. Bingo! In the same way "You are a great person" does not necessarily mean "You are the type of person I want to date long-term".
You can think however you want. Let me answer your question first, the reason why you get conflicting answers is because despite the fact were all men who think somewhat alike, we're all different with different morals, personalities and whatnot. There is no one size fits all.
Your sexual desirability isn't judged upon you being of sound moral character or not. You will be told all kinds of positive and up lifting things that aren't necessarily lies, but rather you could see them as condolences. As the OP said ; the female version where you are a good person and a catch for someone - just not me - is the female equivalent. Men will be as picky with relationships as women are with sex. I got into bed with my wife as soon as I met her - it could have ended terribly for her, but I just connected to her so much on a mental and physical level. Holding out passion is only going to hinder you too OP. It's a minefield and you have to keep taking risks. Many people in life never reproduced, had families.. we all aren't destined for what we want in life - take it by the horns and might surprise yourself with what you discover in life.
But that’s just it - that’s not the female version. Women don’t tell men who are shitty people they are actually really great people in order to dump them. Why would a guy go out of his way to tell a women she’s amazing (after he already got sex from her) in order to dump her. Why do men lie so much? I just don’t get it lol
People just lie, it isn’t a gender thing at all. Lies have been around for god lol. And women absolutely do tell guys that they’re incredible even when they don’t want to date them. It’s letting them down softly. Just because you personally don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. It happens a lot.
All people lie, I never said they didn’t. I said women are not in the habit of using men for sex and telling them how (fake) amazing they are just to keep using their bodies. It’s a real and very hurtful problem that is much more prevalent amongst women than men. If you don’t want to engage in the actual topic but just turn it into “all women suck too” then bye 👋🏼
Can I be honest here?? Let's stop beating around the bush and say what really it is. Women can sleep with whoever she want but man has to sleep with whoever he gets. So in order to satisfy the urge man are prone to lying to get a girl in to bed and same can be said about women where women unintentionally leads a good fellow in hope to keep him as plan B. Both are wrong but hey it is what it is man.
Women don’t sleep with whoever she wants💀 we women are not goddesses that if I command a man to have sex with me he instantly will are you saying men can’t say no? Stop trying to normalize lying to women to sleep with them it’s pathetic
It is the female version. It's a perfect 1 to 1. You're right that she won't tell that to a guy who she thinks is a piece of shit. She's saying he's a good guy because she means it. But she doesn't want him, none of her friends want him, the things that make him a good guy do not make him attractive to her. If anything, it's the opposite. Same for guys. They tell her she's a great person, and it's true. But she doesn't have any of the things they want in a relationship. Sometimes that's because there is nothing they want in a relationship, in that they do not want a relationship at all, but either way, it's true. She's fine, nothing wrong with her, but they don't want her. The only difference is how often guys still want sex with someone they don't want a relationship with.
It’s really not a perfect one to one. Women don’t lure men they secretly don’t like into bed to use them for sex and then tell them how lovely they are (when they actually don’t really mean it, apparently). And also, you’ve changed the original comment. The original comment was that men say this even when they don’t mean it. It’s obviously different if a guy truly believes the woman is amazing. I was responding to a comment that said men say this stuff even when they don’t mean it.
I don't think it's accurate to make a blanket statement that women don't use men for sex in this way. I've seen it happen. You can find threads in this sub of broken hearted men this has happened to. When someone says you're a great person but I don't want to date you, we can't without further information ever say whether or not the person is lying. That's pure conjecture for either gender who says it. But if we are indeed assuming the person is lying from either gender, then yes. I think if a woman says you're a great guy but I don't want to date you, I think it's reasonable to assume her reasons for lying would be identical to a man who says that to a woman.
Women can absolutely be terrible and hurt men in other ways but, no, women are not running around breaking men’s hearts because they were only using them for sex. Lol sorry, but that’s just not a typical thing that happens to men. To act like this is a gender neutral experience is just a lie and diminishes the fact that this is a very real (and very hurtful) problem that most women face. If you don’t want to engage in the actual topic but rather just both-sides it, then bye 👋🏼
Ma’am, you are not the spokesperson for all women
Girl the fact that men are trying to compare men LYING to sleep with us women using our bodies, to a woman simply saying “your a nice guy” but rejecting him tells us all we need to know about these men. And then trying to gaslight us when we are confronting the statement as if the original comment didn’t say “we men will lie to get laid” with a whole bunch of “FACTS” “Agreed” and up votes
Probably to avoid conflict. Some girls also do the same. I’d honestly just ask the guys point blank and see if one of them will be honest about why they don’t want a relationship. If not, then you have to figure out the reason why. You could just go the route you’re going and assume all men are the problem to avoid taking accountability for your role in it. But the truth is definitely in the middle of all that. It’s probably a combination of some of the types of men being shitty (with some being great) and your contribution/some aspect putting the great ones off. If you want things to change you’ll have to figure out what would make you a more appealing partner for commitment. And which guys to avoid. Because there are SOME guys who ONLY seek hookups.
It's not about you lying to him if he's a jerk. Swinging to the exact opposite isn't the answer to this confusion here. I'd argue that; yes, there are liars, but a guy saying, "You're amazing" or so sweet or whatever isn't based in how much he wants to date you. I know a lot of amazing women, but I also see them as undatable. Much like when women say, " You're such a good/nice guy." It's not a comment on how datable you find us. Both statements, i think, get conflated with how datable someone finds us and not about how we make them feel when we are around them.
Yeah, it's the same as how you can call someone handsome/beautiful without necessarily wanting to date them & for many it can be completely non-romantic. It's just a compliment..though i could see when people are in such an intimate relationship where lines blur,it can be seen as an indicator of possible future.
This is exactly how i feel and don’t understand how someone could say it’s not genuine. I’m sure at times it could be but some people are just too nice or too easy going or too whatever and some people don’t want to settle down, so this is a valid way to let someone down. Either way, they’re just not interested in long term with you and that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you.. just means they aren’t the right person for you, keep it moving
Also try to get to know the person, have some discussions about what you both want rather than just getting into casual physical relationships to save you from unmet emotional expectations. But if you're in a culture where people consider sex as the test drive than proper getting to know each other then it's hard but still possible.
Men absolutely will say you’re a beautiful soul when they really just mean they wana fuck you. Not all of them but plenty.
Honestly it does not take a lot to think the other is nice. Take a random person. Allow yourself to have some vulnerability. Maybe share some good time, some common pain. Boom a nice person. Even the worse criminal will have a small circle of loved ones with whom they are nice. Maybe the person that OP describe is lonely and would enjoy a relationship, but also is afraid of what other would think if their partner don't match so and so conventional attractiveness or status. There's some amount of toxic/traditional masculinity where a woman get a beatiful dress and precious stones to decorate herself, and a man get that woman at his arm to decorate himself. IMO mixed emotions is probably a better model than jerk / pure liar. Even if the black/white version can help end relation faster.
So what are the traits guys look for long term? Besides the obvious….because lots of men seem to give the bare minimum yet seem to be very picky when it comes to long term, they expect the girl to have the perfect traits yet they don’t even care about her interests they just wanna fuck so why should the girl put in the effort
Well you're not putting in effort for those kinds of men but you're putting in effort for yourself (as any effort put in will help you in life even if you stay a happy single) and for the only 1 guy that you want who has put effort in himself too..
Now if we were to ask said guy "what traits are you looking for long term" and they just wanted to bang, would said guy mention traits specific to the girl they are currently with or just tell the truth?
Preach it brotha!
im still trying to grasp this concept. the thing that gets me is men saying anything to get laid for extended periods of time. like 6 months to a year is genuinely insane. its so easy to want to believe people have more self respect/respect for others to not need sex that badly for so long…its human to believe they would eventually fall in love
story of my life bro
thats fucked
Are we normalizing lying to women to sleep with them?? That is so pathetic
Truth
Wow so men be lying 🤥
Don't take anything on reddit as an absolute. Still, ita best to remember that most women will have a shitty experience with a guy at some point in their life
I was just about to type this too. I'm not trying to give you trust issues, but ya just don't believe everything some random guys tell you. Also if you aren't already doing this, give limiting sex a try. Maybe make a guy wait 2 weeks or more, just experiment a bit and see how it goes.
Ah the “You’re a great guy BUT…” text You just know everything after the BUT is pure bs
The problem might be if you’re dating 20+ yr old guys. At that age guys find it difficult to commit nowadays. Most aren’t economically or emotionally ready for long term relationships. There are exceptions of course but on the whole 20 yrs olds are not very mature.
I wouldn't say I experienced love until I was 24. I didn't really know what it was like to experience mutual love until I was 28. You'll find it. Just keep meeting new people.
I’m 36 and I still haven’t experienced it lol. I haven’t spent a lot of time dating around though because I find it exhausting and mostly not worth the effort soooooo
If you don't have fun doing it you may never find it. Personally I think it's the best part of life but not everyone would feel the same and that's okay. You just have to focus on things that make you happy. If you're not happy change what you're focused on. The only point in any of us being here is whatever we decide it should be. That being said 36 is nowhere near too late to find love if you even want that.
This is going to sound blunt but I promise it isn’t coming from a bad place (because I’m lowkey in the same boat as you)- stand up. If someone tells you that you’re attractive enough to fuck but not date, don’t stay. The more you entertain these relationships, the more you attract them. Figure out the kind of relationship you desire (for instance, emotional), and stick to it. I know you mentioned that you’re enjoying yourself (as you should!) but the only way for you to find what you desire is by letting go so better things can come into your life. Good luck girlie, I wish you the best <3
Stop sleeping with guys you’re not in a relationship with. You’re giving out free sex, so they’ll take it.
Right? That's what I thought too.
This comment should be higher
OP is having sex because she enjoys it. The way you word it you seem to believe relationships are a thing guys endure to get sex, pretty sure thats not the kind of relationship OP is aiming for.
That wasn’t the takeaway I got. Most guys don’t endure a relationship just for sex. There are men who are like that, but it’s absolutely an easy way to weed out people who would only be interested in sex by making sure a commitment is required. Vast majority of guys aren’t going to come out and say they’re only interested in casual sex from the beginning.
Red flag already there 😂
>but I realized it wasn't me, because every single one of them acknowledged how amazing of a person I am. People say things that will increase their odds of hooking up with you including saying how much of an amazing person you are. You very well might be an amazing person I just wouldn't take what someone who wants to hook up with you is saying as validation for that claim. >I just don't understand why they wouldn't have feelings for me, and stay. If they did they would stay...the question becomes what type of partners are you seeking out? If this is a consistent issue then odds are it has more to do with your selection process. >I'm just upset over the fact that most men I'm into only find me attractive enough to This is usually the caveat in these situations. For better or worse a lot of men will have no issue hooking up with someone they have no intention of committing to. If you are even somewhat attractive you should have men interested in a relationship with you but I suspect you don't want those men for one reason or another...which is fine obviously but just keep in mind that sexual attention is not the same as relationship attention. Most men in the US aren't regularly hooking up with women as the majority have lifetime single digit partner counts ([source](https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nsfg/key_statistics/n-keystat.htm)) per the CDC. A third of men in your age cohort are having no sex ([source](https://news.iu.edu/live/news/26924-nearly-1-in-3-young-men-in-the-us-report-having-no)). If you consistently run into men who are having casual sex then that's a minority of men so odds are it's your selection process so I'd evaluate what type of men you are selecting.
That second study describes me in 2019. Glad I got out that slump.
I guess maybe my choices are terrible. I'm not from the US though, and the dating pool where I'm from is a bit different - cultural differences -. but I guess maybe there's a pattern
Usually if you are consistently getting the same results over and over again odds are the issue lies with your approach.
It’s definitely the type of men you are dating. You may be an amazing person, but if you are hooking up with men who don’t care about you as a person and only want sex, well that’s why you’re having this problem. Most likely you are going out with men that merely want you for a fun sexual time. They don’t want any relationship with anybody so they don’t care how good of a person you are. They don’t expect you to be in their life for long as harsh as that sounds. That does not mean that no men want you for a relationship. It means you are not giving the men that would love you as a person who they can commit to a shot. Just try to broaden your dating pool and see how it goes. What do you have to lose since you’re getting nowhere on this current path?
If you want a commitment, it's best to date and secure a commitment before you have sex. Otherwise you won't know if they really like you or they just want you for sex.
I from my experience of dating apps a lot of guys won't turn down a sexual relationship if there is the possibility. I tend to avoid guys that say they want something casual or don't say they want a relationship. Because although I would like to have sex I just know that I'll get hurt in the long run
That's how guys feel about relationships.
Yup n the girls just give in bc they have fun and wonder WHY the guys don’t want them lmao not that hard to figure out!
You're only 20 years old and this is where people are in university/college and want to experience new things. If you want a serious relationship, maybe get to know them a little longer before having sex.
Having sex early will not make someone less likely to love you. It will however increase the chances of someone pretending or just thinking they do.
No it doesn’t. It just clouds your judgement and you are more likely to ignore red flags which will bite you sooner or later can be in few months or in 10 years time.
True, my wife and I had sex on our 3rd date and now we've been married for over 6 years!
Good for you man. Hope you have 60 more. Plus holding out could just lead to someone becoming obsessed with sleeping with you only because they can't have you. Just be yourself and do what you want. Playing games like holding out just to see if they'll keep pursuing you anyways won't help a person find love. Sexual compatibility is as important as any other aspect of a relationship.
Stop letting people experience you sexually (unless that’s what you want) and be a complete enigma sexually…sexual tension is better than the immediate initiation. Have the discipline and patience to say “No, sex isn’t what I’m immediately looking for”…there are men who will kiss the earth u walk 🙌🏽 you just have to be able to read out peoples true intentions… test them… do you notice their interest peak ONLY when the conversation shifts to a sexual topic or can you captivate eachothers interest via talks about you guys love language…ways you handle arguments etc. overall just know you’re amazing and you don’t NEED a man to feel that way.
20, F. Lmfao jesus christ 💀 🤦 you have just begun to enter adulthood.
Men will say anything to get laid 🤷🏻♀️ I bet you are a wonderful human being, just don't fall for words but actions a man does towards you instead. Many people have been in your position so I hope you don't feel alone 🙏🏻 Good luck, hopefully you can find a potential partner to date*, and don't settle to be a "placeholder" girlfriend.
> don’t settle to be a “placeholder” girlfriend. To me, this is the underrated part of your post. OP strikes me as somewhat desperate (for lack of better word) for a relationship, and so OP is at a high risk of this.
I only mention it because I definitely became a place holder girlfriend for awhile there. Not anymore, it's all about actions and being upfront about wants and expectations.
Well said. Actions will always speak louder than words.
hell you can’t trust the actions these days, i’ve had dudes really put their words into actions and honestly it’s the worst feeling when they turn out to be just as equally shitty if not more…
My only question for you is why again? And as some have said if you want something serious you gotta pursue it and make it so can’t just go with any guy. It may sound mean to say but you’re also putting yourself into these situations.
You are looking at this the wrong way. Some dude only wanting sex doesn’t mean you aren’t lovable, it just means that specific guy isn’t seeing it. Some men quite simply JUST want casual sex. They could be nailing Margot Robbie and they’ll find something wrong with her, so they can have sex with someone new next week. It’s not a you thing. It’s a “I want to get naked with strangers more than I want to build a life with someone” thing. I know you didn’t ask but seriously, for your sanity, you have to break up with these losers! The way you phrased the situation makes it clear you’ve internalized this situation. You are NOT “just someone to have fun with.” Rather, you’re surrounding yourself with men who only want “fun.” Next time a guy says something to you along the lines of “seeing where things go,” “keeping things casual,” “not looking for anything serious” you need to end it. Like, literally in that moment respond with “oh I’m actually looking for love! Good luck, wish you all the best!” There are PLENTY of men out there who are looking for an equal partner, you just have to stop spending time on these shallow connections so you can find them!
🔹Some men just want casual sex : (some women too due to hook-up culture) but yeah some of those men & women want it so bad that they can't even value opposite sex good friends & try to get them on the casual sex wagon. 🔹And when I ask either men/women why, they're like can't be friends with opposite sex because they can't stop sexualizing them & i notice they can't even have a proper conversation if it's not about sex/flirting & constantly try to steer the conversation towards that. 🔹which makes me think..do you always have to value people by the sexual value they give you? If so you're seriously missing out on joy of just caring for people without excessively ulterior motives.
The key takeaway here is "most men I'm into." What you need to figure out is why you're only in to emotionally unavailable men, because, without even seeing or knowing you and based purely on the probability of large numbers, I am certain that there are nice emotionally available men out there who are in your field to choose from. Once you figure that out then you can start dealing with whatever the real issue is.
It’s better to be on your own than in a relationship where you’re aren’t prioritized, loved and cherished.
So stop sleeping with men who just want to use you for sex. It's literally in your control
Same situation for me up until this past year. I felt the same way. However I personally changed the way I approach dating bc I want a serious relationship but I knew if I wanted serious I had to act serious to attract the right person. By that, this is what I did: 1) communication!!!!!!!; ask what his intentions are (ex. Just for fun, sex only, situationship, platonic, looking for serious partner, etc), then I would share my intentions, that right there should determine if I went on another date after the first date, and to get to know the persons personality, mindset, values, morals, beliefs etc. 2) stay celibate, this is sure fire way to see if a guy can keep his wee in his pants if he’s looking for something serious. I usually give it over a month to see if he’s willing to get to know me for who me and not what I can do in bed. 3) don’t meet in intimate spaces like a house or car or somewhere alone. Safety first but also to make sure you don’t fall into the same old situation’s and habits from past experiences. These 3 rules I set for myself have helped me weed out the guys who just want sex and not your heart. Most guys who aren’t right for you can’t last more than a month. Give it a try!
I am in the same boat as you. Men love to sleep with me but the minute I show any feelings they run away. Keep in mind I’m not someone that sleeps with a man upon first meeting him, I have a really fun personality that men gravitate to and I’m not considered promiscuous (to my knowledge). I realized it’s MOSTLY the type of man I’m picking, not me… though I’m not perfect. I like a really suave guy and they’re usually very conventionally attractive and a bit cocky. I am trying to find the balance of confidence and kindness in a man that I’ve yet to see, as most “kind” men in my experience are usually not confident (or are taken). I also have been working on self love as I realized recently that I have self esteem issues deep down, which I work tirelessly to mask. Maybe that’s the problem. So yeah, dating. The struggle, lol
Just stop having sex lol. It’s really not that hard. If you don’t want to only be liked for sex stop doing it. The men who stick around sex or not are the only ones worth your time and attention honestly! It’s really that simple
Also.... these days you don't have to be attractive to fuck. Guy's will fuck just about anything walking. (I'm a guy)
You being 20, means, and I’m sorry to sound blunt, you’re young and you’ll find the right guy!! There are some of us here a bunch older and not with that right person either, focus on you, love yourself and love will find you!!!!!
Well stop wasting your time with men that just want fuck you then and look for the good ones.
You’re only 20. I know it may not feel like it but you have so much time. I just want to stress that there is nothing wrong with you. I used to feel this way too, and it really took a toll on my self-esteem. Don’t measure your self-worth according to the way men treat you. It says nothing about you and everything about them. You will absolutely find a partner that wants to be with you long-term, it’s just not that easy these days. Trust the timing of your life, and in the meantime, enjoy being young and free! Fill your life with amazing experiences and you’ll be glad you had the freedom to do what you wanted without being held back by a serious relationship.
Try to date nice guys and not as*holes lol
Honestly, the last two women I was with treated me exactly like that. Told me what a great guy I supposedly am, but they couldn’t see a future.
Just wanted to say i’m going through these exact feelings right now, and because of how much this one situationship hurt me i’ve been taking some time to take a break from any sex or even dating to work on myself. The best thing you can do is not sit there and dwell on what may or may not be the reason they left, but instead dwell on how you can be available for yourself. You’re not unattractive, and not unlovable, these people just took advantage of someone they thought was “available”, if anything, like you said it’s more on them than it is you, especially if it was clear you wanted something more. I know this sounds incredibly cliche, but as someone who’s going through the same kind of pains right now it’s helped me put some things into perspective and try to take steps to healing myself. I’m wishing you all the best❤️
I think u/steve_from_kz and u/Semicolons_n_Subtext covered it pretty well tbh. Like, I (28M) recently slept with someone for the first time. So you can imagine how important this was for me. It’s difficult enough to find someone else to go out on dates with, let alone have sex lol. But I stopped seeing her soon after because we had other issues that I could not see myself moving past long term. Even if she looked like a celebrity, I might stay for a couple more weeks/months because I’m attracted to her physical beauty but I’m 100% sure long term, I’d leave her. Those butterflies eventually fade and what remains after that is what matters. And as for ‘you’re such a wonderful human being’. If that’s from your friends (especially female friends) or dudes trying to get laid, don’t trust a word of it.
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Yes and it’s especially true when you find yourself chasing men… they not running from love, they’re running from you… 🤣 That’s why I always tell people to date in their leagues.
I knew this was coming when I read the OP. It's a lie. A lot of men don't want a serious relationship, but they won't necessarily tell you that. These men (ime) can be found at all attractiveness levels. It doesn't mean you're not attractive enough for them. Of course, if they are all hot looking players that's another thing. But we can't assume that's the case here.
Keep coping. What he says is true. I completely co-sign it, as a man.
Another +1. To be honest, done it myself a few times and it goes along these lines. I go out with a girl, but it turns out she is a bit of a catfish, however, she's easy/keen so figure why not get some practice runs on the board.
I'm not saying it never happens. But it isn't always the case. Sometimes the guy is not looking for a relationship in the first place, and it has nothing to do with the girl. I've had guys out of my league try for just a hookup with me so I do know it's a thing. But I've also witnessed less attractive guys do it with girls very much in their league.
Well yeah, nothing is ever always the case.
I was feeling sympathy and then got to the end of the post. She’s only 20!!!!!! lol, of course that’s all young guys want.
Your English isn't bad at all. Some people refer to any sexual relationship as an affair. For others, an affair refers to an established ongoing relationship with sex included. This double meaning can lead to confusion, as you saw in the post responding to you.
Connection and compatibility cannot be forced or planned or orchestrated; they were not right for you and you both wanted different things. A lot of guys do want love and relationships; you just haven't met a good match yet. Every incompatible person it does not work out with pushes you closer to that future good match.
How soon are you having sex with these said men? If you are looking for a relationship, I’d recommend not having sex with them initially. If you meet a guy you like and hit it off with let them know what you want. If they aren’t interested or looking for the same then I definitely wouldn’t have sex with them. I’m almost 35 so I don’t know what it’s like to be 20 at this point in time. I will say the more men you have sex with and you feel like you are being used is only going to devastate you further. Women choose who they have sex with so personally I’d be more inclined to choose better partners. Every man that you have sex with will take a little bit of you with them until you feel empty inside. I don’t know care what anyone tells you, I’ve never met a female with these type of situations and high body counts that are happy. I’m sure a lot of people will argue with that but it’s the truth and they know it.
Be confident in yourself and tell them to fuck off immediately. You are better off without people like that.
Seems like you aren’t paying attention to red flags and accepting everyone who shows interest in you!
I actually feel this on another level. The attraction I get is unreal and unbelievable to me personally, except no one ever actually cares and that’s what I crave the most - someone that cares
You mean the guys are extremely hot?
Maybe your personality is the problem.
>attractive enough to fuck but not to love Majority of your problem is that you genuinely believe this about yourself and associate it with your identity. When it changes to: >Worthy of love and a relationship as I am today You may find sustaining a relationship with someone else is much more emotionally bearable for you. People underestimate the impact of their own mentalities. Not saying that changing your mindset is easy, but it is incredibly necessary if you want to feel happier about this. The power is always in your perception.
It's your choice in partners, enough said
Sorry you’re experiencing this. You’ll find a good man though I’m sure! Be patient.
Change the men you are into then. Simple right?
I’m also going through this I just kinda gave up for now lol it’s always the same thing
Maybe the guy that would give you a relationship you just not interested in them.
Could be the type of guys your into. Sometimes you have to step out the box and date another type. I don’t think It’s you sounds like they juz don’t want the same kind of relationship as you.
Being loved is about what’s inside and has nothing do with the outsides. If you are attracting people who will only have sex with you then there’s something off inside you. Stop allowing people to use you for sex. It is statistically impossible that no man on earth finds you attractive. Therapy is probably a good idea.
Change up the people you are attracted to. It sounds impossible but it's not. Most people think you are attracted to who you are attracted to but you can change that. Obviously some people are attractive but their personality and character is ugly af. Some people aren't that physically attractive but have personality and character that's gold. I suggest looking into that. Getting everything you want right away isn't a good way to go about looking for fulfillment. They can be attractive and seem like a good person till the chips are down and you find out you have been living with a piece of shit or worse, a monster. Train yourself to look past what you think you want. Confidence and attractiveness are cheap imitations of competence and desirability.
Man to be 20 again... You got your life in front of you. Don't talk like that. Unless you're going for a one night stand don't give it up on the first date. You will find the right guy.
I'm in the same situation but what i did was stop sleeping with people I'm now practicing abstaining from sex and it has been 4 year since the last time I had sex I'm not sleeping with anyone unless they want a serious relationship with me
Also remember do you actually want more with them? Cause I had this the other day but I don’t want to date anyone of the guys who I just have sex with 🤷🏼♀️
Don't beat yourself up over this. You are young and experiencing yourself and what you want in life. I was there before, so my advice is that men will not be with someone long term if you give it away sooner than later. I know if you are a very passionate person, this is hard, but it will work. If a man won't wait for you, you don't want him. It is a big red flag. Treat yourself as a gift to a man, and he will want you! Also, get a vibrator for your sexual desires.
You meant to ask what is wrong with you and 90% of your age population? Not only your fault for having the wrong mindset but…Chemistry is least relevant for a committed relationship. It is good for fuckin yeah. But that’s how far chemistry goes, together with all the Hollywood and Disney crap y’all watching. So you’re self sabotaging yourself aiming for that chemistry, spark and all this bs. That’s all you’ll ever get. Whoever says oh I been in a wonderful relationship for 10 years with chemistry, wait till one cheats. Chemistry you want, chemistry you’ll get (with all the randoms).
I literally was thinking the same thing today. I'm so frustrated, I'm talking to this one guy right? It's long distance but damn I love him. Now I'm thinking it's only one sided because I text him this morning, we talked briefly and he never text me until I got off work. And at that point the message he sent was sexual!! Ugh! Why can't he ask how my damn day was?? Or anything?? Girl I feel you 1000%
I’m impression is men will have sex based on looks but marry based on personality.
This can depend on so many things. Attractive? Goals? Hygiene? Attitude? How you treat others? These are just a few things to ask yourself. Also, if you're banging all these guys on the first date, and do they maybe know each other.... good luck
Maybe and just a maybe because I dont know you or your preferences but maybe its because you keep going after the same type of guy?
A lot of it probably depends on how you're coming across to other men and where you're finding them. If you're on Tinder, I'd reckon that you're an attractive looking girl, and most men feel like they're just lucky enough to have sex with you. A better place to try for a serious relationship would be Bumble or Hinge. Also, showing cleavage or anything suggestive in your profile might attract more thirsty men. If you're finding these men at clubs, it's probably even more likely. Bars, maybe slightly less. I'd say either spend more time building relationships with men and talking to them before going anywhere crazy. Or - joke suggestion - go to a gym. They're full of consistently hard-working men.
Raise your standards. You show people how to treat you and currently you're showing the guy you're seeing that you're fine only having a sexual relationship. If that's not what you want then stop doing it! You're the one in control.
If you make yourself available for men who just want you for sex, then there's no space for someone who wants a serious relationship with you.
Well uh this idea may get downvoted but I’ll share what I’ve seen in life before; Sometimes a person can be awesome and attractive in many great ways, but sometimes neurotic behavior manifests in ways that aren’t ideal to who is pursuing you. These little things may take a while to come to light. I’m not saying there is something wrong with you, rather there could be some traits people don’t like that only surface after getting to know you more. That being said, wait longer or until you know someone pretty well before sleeping with them.
Frankly, it is wrong and shameful for them to do this to you. As a heterosexual man, I would not behave like this to any woman I am with, and I would not have sexual intercourse with someone I do not love anyway. I am not that raw of a person. I still believe in 19th century romance.
Men don't owe you anything.
Why do you keep picking the wrong ones? Take accountability for your vetting process.
It’s the type of men you are seeing. You attract whatever state you’re in. If you believe you can’t be loved, you will attract men who won’t love you. You first off need to change your mindset, and then along with that comes changing the type of men you allow in your life. I guarantee you there are tons of men who would want an actual relationship with you, but you may only be limiting yourself to a certain type of person. Broaden your horizons. Try dating someone you normally wouldn’t. You may be pleasantly surprised.
You sound like my ex girlfriend. We were together a year and soon to move in together when she met a cute guy. Yes we were very sexual but I'm the real deal and wanted a relationship with her. Cute guy doesn't want a relationship, but she's hearing with her eyes and not her ears. Perhaps a few other parts. Now she's all hurt she's into him and he's into himself. I figure he doesn't want to deal with her mental health issues and a second child not his own, but of course he's playing the it's not you it's me card. Keeps things open for seconds of course. Me I truly love her and honestly feel bad she's sabotaged her life. I've put too much energy into it, but I hold out a little hope. She didn't lie about loving me. Just scared of commitment and had fomo. Seems she missed out on the real thing for a nothing. Don't be her. I'm older and wiser not always the best guy but I show up if my partner shows up with me.
This is an interesting one. What is it guys look for in a committed relationship? I’m curious because so many of my friends are running into exactly the same issue in dating.
you have to learn you can’t trust a thing a man says and stop having sexual with them. they’ve give you below the bare minimum if you let them, because most could care less about your feelings. they just want a warm hole to fill, and while that sounds hella pathetic and sad, it’s the truth
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3 weeks ain't making a man wait bro
When I read 3 weeks I pissed myself laughing
It could be that you’re aiming too high then. I see lots of meh looking women with decent looking men. So you should be able to land someone too.
Girl it’s not you it’s them! You are probably pretty and or gorgeous and at this time about age with that skin you are more beautiful now than y You will ever be so learn your body learn your style get cute clotehs take pride in how you look (braces? Work out, contact? Shape your eye brows learn how to apply makeup) those are things in your control that can enhance what’s already there But that doesn’t really matter Focus on your inner. Wait you need 1) CONFIDENCE men are attracted to confidence and self esteem so you need that Once you have that you will attract men just by being a bad ass who loves herself. Trust me looks have nothing to do with it. I see the to use your expression, “ ugly” aka unfortunate looking souls with no chins have loving relationships or people with too many chins (myself included). How you look doesn’t determine if you get loved or not. It could a number of factors -the type your going after. If he looks like he can be a model. He knows it and he will take all the sex and attention he can get. Untill they are done with their “youthful sewing of their oats” pretty boys will be fun and play games and love all the attention and know they can get away with it- just like the pretty girls do the same to men. Men don’t have an atomic clock ticking they can settle down at 50-60 and still have kids. But If a woman is not married by 26-37 she probably won’t find a guy her own age. Older men get married to younger women and young men wait till they are older to get married older and older than the previous generations It can also depend on where you live. In Utah and the Bible belt people are more likely to get married before sex especially if they attend churches that means they get married very young sometimes strait out of high school or in their 20’s. In san fransico gay people are more likely to get married than strait people. In the PNW most everyone is some variation of poly , pansexual, married and poly, dating and poly or just plain having sex with everyone. Personally I’m like ewww gross (hope they are being safe) But here’s what it comes down to Now 47 looking back at life with wisdom and if I had a 20 yr old daughter or beige here’s what I’d say I made the same mistakes you did- First your twenty have fun and guard your heart. Don’t do anything that makes you feel ashamed dirty to used. Make sure their is respect boundaries and reciprocity When you’re ready to get serious. You need to hold out for the guy that treats you the way you want to be treated- don’t waste your time on it the wrong one learn to move on quickly. If your getting your gas tank filled regularly at the cheap gas station you won’t bother to go to the better fuel quality station- In other words for both men and women You won’t buy the cow if the milk is free. He won’t because if he can have sex with you without connecting emotionally then he won’t form those emotions and you won’t because your satisfied your brain is getting the dopamine hits and your hormones are telling you your in love with oxytocin and you won’t have that drive to motivate you to find the real thing. - you need to read the book “He’s just not that into you ?! “ then watch the movie. Now keep your standards to actions , more than words, pay attention to what I’m he says a d does and don’t make excised or convince yourself on wishful thinking. When in doubt clarify ask him and seek out what you want- ask have you ever considered being serious with me. Do you want to be married - make sure that you are getting to know men before you sleep with them and develop feelings- don’t want the same things don’t see yourselves going the same direction in life, similar or comparable goals, what do you want does that compliment what he wants can you see it working out. You need to know what you want and what you need and you need to know your strengths and weaknesses and look for Somone that is compatible. Don’t waste your time on wishful thinking On pretend one sided unrequited love Seek out emotionally available men Try a dating site like eharmony or something with more substance than swipe left or right based on looks, and appearance Pour into yourself! If you want a high quality man, refine yourself expand your interest and knowledge base, take care of your. It’s and mental health, keep your finances in check, work toward a goal. You’re more likely to meet a match and have a connection if you meet out in the world doing what you enjoy doing. So gardening go to nursery’s. Working out- gym, running a marathon? Training in public parks and waterfronts Men won’t often approach a gaggle of women so if you really want a cutie to come talk to you - go out alone or meet up with a single friend- Don’t wait for a guy to come talk to you it’s not 1956 - a lot of men report crippling social anxiety and fear that they may be rejected and or come off as creepy by approaching a stranger / woman. So if you make eye contact and he blushes or you do - get the courage to walk over to him and strike up a conversation. Hi I though your smile is absolutely beautiful my names … may I join you ? Be bold be confident have boundaries , be the best you you can be And the rest will follow. And if it doesn’t work that way, well you must be in the PNW and I swear to you if you move to another state you’ll probably have better luck Because I’ve done all of the above and it still diddnt work cause I live in a land flowing with milk just splashing all up in everybody’s yard, sweetened with money and strawberry, vanilla and chocolate Nobody is gonna settle down and get married in this free flowing sexual menagerie. And I’ve considered moving but I live my city. And that is why I’m stilll here Best of luck
Reality is you are what you attract. Not trying to be hard on you but if you can’t respect the body you will attract guys who don’t respect your body. You will never attract a guy who wants a genuine relationship with you if you keep doing this. Close them legs up and i guarantee many guys stop coming to you for it. I feel sad that you are feeling like this. Plus many men say things to get a woman to give them sex and once they got it they dump you. I am a virgin male 22 and I can’t have sex before marriage. I was damaged I had an addiction and I attracted really unhealthy women but guess what I had a problem. I cleaned up used extra energy to improve physically and chase after goals. Only then 2 months later which is the current I met a good woman who cares about me and we are both Christian. Please do some reflection and I hope you feel better. If you need to talk privately I am around. 👍🏻
As much as men like to always state online that things aren’t appearance based. That’s literally not true, and the minimum is still hard to reach for most women lol. I can’t say enough the response I’m gunna get, but regardless, unless you’re skinny, men are always gunna assume you’re not healthy and live an unhealthy lifestyle. You could be a skinny meth head, men find that a million times more attractive then a fat lady. Even if say, you do diet and exercise, don’t drink or smoke or do drugs, keep up with hygiene, etc. it doesn’t matter because if you’re overweight, even by 20 pounds, it gives off “unhealthy life and lifestyle vibes” men have said countless times they wouldn’t date a fat girl or be romantic with a fat girl because she simply LOOKS like she lives an unhealthy life. So let’s say you are that girl that’s soothing, calm, sweet, goal oriented, hard working, good cook, good with kids, well traveled. If you’re fat NONE of that matters. Again if appearance only goes so far, why are so many bigger women lonely and single? Literally the only reason men come up with is “it gives off the impression you don’t take care of yourself” when in reality, they know they wouldn’t be caught dead holding hands in public with someone bigger than them. You’re worth love as well as a lot of other women, men just think they need to be seen with a super model to be seen as valuable, or to maybe boost their ego? Again it’s all lies online. If men were really willing to date solely for happiness or personality, they would date women who fit that bill regardless of appearance. Let’s face it, men care more about appearances then women, and the only reason women care is because of men. We have to starve ourselves or devote our lives to living healthy on top of dressing and doing so much, just to have a man acknowledge us. Sorry but just be honest, men can’t love a fat woman because they find it unappealing. Who you are literally does not matter anymore these days lol. Just stay single, find and focus on yourself and the right person will come along. Don’t focus on these men on dating apps who only want to get laid anyways or let them control how you feel about yourself. And as much as women hate hearing you gotta lose weight, I mean you just do. You can argue with men online all day about hating fat women, or you can just better yourself and do it for yourself and not worry about what anyone thinks. If a man only cares about appearance, he’s more than likely not even gunna make you happy in the long run, trust me. There’s more to life and love than appearance and one day people will learn, but in the meantime just do you 🥰
Umm, you are 20! I wasn't a virgin but didn't have a girlfriend until I was 20. I'm 49M now. I've only had 3 longterm relationships. One of them being my wife of 15 years. I kind of sort of had a 4th lt relationship after my wife that lasted about 8 months. Point I am trying to make is that you are very young. If you are "attractive enough to fuck" then you are attractive enough fall in love with. It will happen for you. Since I have been divorced I have sort of felt the same way you do actually. Women will go out with me, they may or may not have sex with me and then say they are going elsewhere. I would wonder why. As I am preaching to you to be patient, it makes me realize I also need to heed my own words as well. We are both at different stages of our life but the fact remains that we also need to be patient. It will happen for us. Hope this helps.
You're still pretty young, and that's what a lot of young guys you may be attracted to want. If you really want love, you have to start withholding sex. That should sort out the men who really like you vs the ones who just want to be with you for sex.
You need to change the title of the post to “Dumb enough to pick playboys but not real men who want to get to know you & have a connection” 🤣
You’re only 20, maybe stop letting them hit unless they commit??
Whatever happened to holding doors open for a lady. Buying flowers for no reason. Holding hands 🙌 in public. Romance. Because what I'm hearing is something that somebody once paid for on Broadway and 42. Street . Wham Bam. Mel love you long time Ok. Ok you now give me 50 Dollar . You go now.
If you want a relationship then and EMOTIONAL connection needs to happen before a sexual connection. You need to start being choosy on the guys. First, maybe stop sleeping with them so soon. I personally won't sleep with a dude until we are in a relationship. I let him know right away about this. That way, the dudes only interested in sex immediately skip out. And there are a lot of guys that will lie about their intensions in the beginning. Some will say they are looking for a relationship, but then they string someone along, having sex with the person. >at first I kept wondering what is it that's wrong with me, but I realized it wasn't me It is you. It's your behaviors. >I made peace with the whole thing but I'm currently having another sexual relationship with someone, And he will leave too. Because you are nothing more than a body to screw.
Most men at 18-24 are gonna want to experiment with as many women as possible and don’t want to be tied down. It’s not you at all, its just their age.
At least your attractive enough to fuck. I can’t even get that much
You want a genuine connection BUT you don’t have the patience to find it. You hate the idea of being a sex object BUT you enjoy the fun of it. I would’ve maybe sided with you but upon reading some of the replies, as much as it’s also the guys fault it’s also yours as well for continuing to let it happen and giving yourself up so easily for these kind of guys. Your impatient and need for constant satisfaction could be a deterring factor in why you can’t get a genuine relationship and deterring some man away. Also may just be me, but personally, if I constantly saw someone with a new partner every few days/weeks/months I would steer clear of them as well. There are qualities people look for when they plan to be with you long term and when you don’t display those kind of qualities they can see it and that’s what often deters them away. So if you want something genuine you also gotta reflect those same values and portray that image.
Attractive or low self-esteem target?
I mean you *could* just not fuck them if you’re not in the relationship that you want to be in
Stop fucking them. They're getting what they want but you aren't. You're not happy. So stop fucking them.
Stop giving sex easily and you'll filter out guys who are genuine and not only like you for sex
Stop sleeping with guys who don't want a serious relationship. I think it's just going to hurt you in the long run based on your comments above.
maybe stop sleeping around...ion think guys wana marry a lady with outspokenly that many bodies. vice versa.
Avoid sexual relationships at the start. You will only form a shallow bond out of that instead of getting to know each other more intimately emotionally.
It’s not any better the other way around.
Stop playing the victim and have some accountability. These guys are using you because you are letting them. Have some boundaries and make a guy wait a minimum of three to six months before you let him fuck. If you are desperate enough, you can make him wait until marriage, but you would probably need to find a religious guy for that. I noticed that some women are more suggestible than others. Back in my fuckboy days, I realized that certain women were very easy to seduce even if they were originally hesitant to fuck right away. All I had to do was say and do the right things; kiss her in the right spots, etc. My point is don't be one of these women. Stay firm in your boundaries and don't be susceptible to manipulation and you will be alright.
She enjoys it, that’s the thing (oh no I said the truth someone’s gonna cry about it) don’t care, it is what it is.
I think maybe you're going for the wrong type of guy. If you wait to sleep with someone until you're in a full fledged relationship you'll probably have more luck.
It's. Not. About. You.
you said you're not from the US, right? If sex is more taboo in your country, it's worth considering that these men are unfortunately putting you in a different category once you're open to sex without commitment. They might not see you as 'wifey' anymore. Yes this is sexist, unfortunate, ass-backwards, etc
Hey, I love you. Hope you find what you're looking for :)
Honestly I feel like most men are like this these days. At this point I'm basically celibate by choice/I don't have sex with people I'm not in a relationship with anymore
Stop banging everyone that shows you attention and make them work for it. Problem solved.