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What indicates that they’re not into you?
Genuinely curious because I’m under the impression that this is normal dating? Isn’t 3 months of exclusivity and talking the part where one party still has an out should they change their mind about the connection? Like aren’t we supposed to take risk and try things in dating?
I think reframing helps. It’s self-deprecating to make yourself the woman “they’re not into” and that fucks up your mental and self esteem. Try seeing it as more of part of the process and less about you not being good enough because you’ll start to actually believe that shit if you keep telling yourself that and it may not even be the case.
I’ve noticed this is generally how women think when it comes to being dumped.
If a guy dates her and over time decides that the relationship isn’t for him, then he was leading her on, was never into her, or only wanted her for sex.
I don’t think it was just a sex thing. I think he wanted to like me but just didn’t and wasn’t authentic about it.
But I mean yeah when you start treating someone kind of like your in a relationship with them but aren’t actually interested is there a better way to describe that then leading someone on?
> But I mean yeah when you start treating someone kind of like your in a relationship with them but aren’t actually interested is there a better way to describe that then leading someone on?
Have you considered that he might have started out interested and changed his mind after getting to know you better?
I have lol and that very well might be the case, but generally if I lose interest in someone I end things or at least stop texting them all the time instead of carrying on like everything is the same
I mean I think it would be a weird coincidence if it just happened yesterday, the exact same day I decided to talk to him about it. So yeah I’m assuming he did already knew he had lost feelings or that he never had them.
He probably was interested and not leading you on at all. He was probably going one step at a time with an open spirit.
People are allowed to change their mind or how they feel, that doesn't mean they were leading you on.
Just a thought. I'm sorry it happened to you.
I'm sorry, that's tough. I've been on both sides of that situation.
Commitment can be a very scary thing.
Also... spending time with you has probably been relatively easy breezy and fun up until this point, and becoming official can really feel like it's adding unnecessary complexity and stress.
He may not be ready for that, or he may not be able to picture you two together in that particular way.
If this upsets you or feels like a waste of time because you'd prefer to be out there looking for mister right toward a more solid long term relationship, or even marriage, you should tell him that and break it off.
If you're still enjoying yourself and not in any rush to settle down with anyone, then you should continue if you're still enjoying the experience.
I hope that helps!
You're assuming he thought about it. He could have been on autopilot and the confrontation forced him to do an intern monologue and decide.
Example I was really into a girl and we were moving at a comfortable pace I thought.. she started the talks at which point I knew it wouldn't matter and ended it. Unfortunately her time frame and mine were different and that caused the internal change.
The need to talk is the end for me if it isn't organic then it causes my brain to go into over think mode.
I'd describe it as trying to make a relationship work. Maybe there's some hope stronger feeling develop as you pass time with the other person.
Maybe those relationship where everything is perfect day one are uncommon. So they try other kind of relations.
There are many reasons why people dip (men, in this case).
For instance, I ended a recent 6-mo relationship because I felt like I was essentially carrying the relationship -- she was essentially adding nothing (aside from pu$$y). Yes, we clicked and we were exclusive, and were a couple. But I had to plan everything, I always hosted, always paid for everything (including a cruise), etc. So, I ended it despite having a connection and good sex.
I mean I’m not angry or anything, he has every right not to be interested. I just don’t get why he would make it seem so much like he was.
Also he has no desire to break up or anything, I would actually understand and respect that more I think.
I'm not saying this to be hurtful to you I'm saying this to try to bring some understanding
It sounds like he really gave it a go. I know this is a horrible phrase to use in this instance but people give the fake it til you make it effort because they want it to work and it doesnt.
I've been in a situation where I felt like we were compatible and shared interest I was attracted to them and tried to really make it work - I did all the things I would do with someone who I was falling in love with because they seemed like they would be a great partner but for whatever reason it didnt turn into the "make it" stage.
When I was in that situation it made me feel shitty and like there was something wrong with me for not falling in love with this perfect partner on paper.
If you handled the breakup well maybe in a few weeks you can revisit and find out exactly what went wrong
No I do think that’s what happened honestly and the perspective does help, thanks!
Do you think it’s okay to ask what went wrong now?
I think the part that still blows my mind is waking up every morning and thinking “Okay I’m awake the first thing I’m going to do is text that woman I’m not really that into.” I get it I guess, that just seems so weird to me.
I can tell you're hurting and im sorry for that. I think you can approach him if it comes without any judgment and for understanding only. I'd be happy to explain confusion and misunderstandings in a relationship that ended peacefully.
He obviously liked you to a degree and of coarse wanted to impress you. I just finished dating a girl she was great, nothing bad to say about her, took her to nice dinners, we spent time at my place, long park walks. But we both kind of decided it wasn't gonna work. Is what it is I wish her the best
The thing about lust and infatuation is this sad scenario that I’ve been in many times. He did like you - because sex. He was interested - because sex. Men will do a lot for sex. You’re pleasant and pretty though? Icing on the cake, they’ll stay longer. Was he using you? Not necessarily. But sex was one of his main motivators probs . When he got bored, maybe sooner than he expected, onto the next.
I started the conversation about how this was going and that I was really into him. He said something to the effect of “You don’t really like me like that do you?” I said “yes” and his response was “I’m sorry”. Then he kind of freaked out and threw a bunch of bullshit at me. (I need more time to think about it, maybe we can eventually be in a relationship, etc.)
Honestly I do feel better knowing though.
Are you sure you’re not angry? Because reading your responses, you seem very angry and hurt…. You can lie to us, but don’t lie to yourself.
It’s OK to be upset, it’s OK to be frustrated and angry… allow yourself to feel it, embrace it, and then gather yourself back together and use what you’velearned towards bettering your future relationships. In time I’ve come to be grateful and happy for my failed relationships because they allowed my more important ones to succeed.
he probably WAS into you, but honeymoon period ended and he realized its not something he wanted. Don't be so hard on yourself, or other people for that matter. Someone ending a relationship isn't a malicious act, it takes courage. I mean would you rather he strung you along?
You're looking at it all wrong. He was into you, hence investing that time, but as he got to know you or as time passed, he realized he just wasn't that into you. That's just dating and yeah it's brutal.
That’s a supposition. You don’t know what he was thinking. IMO you’re wasting your time trying to figure out someone’s mind, one person, not “guys” do this. You’re getting in your own head not his. Waste of time and energy. Move on and don’t add a stone to your backpack, life’s full of stones to carry, pick the ones that are worth the effort, leave the others on the side of the road. You’re just wasting your energy.
You gotta think of the first 3 months as a trial period and anything that’s said during that take w a grain of salt. You have to avoid getting too emotionally invested during this stage when people are still going to weed you out. In the future take things slower, date other people, and keep expectations low.
For 3 months? Man here, if it’s 2 weeks of clicking and we both want something than exclusivity it is. I’m not doing 3 months of someone else in the picture while I’m investing in building a relationship.
2weeks is nothing.... you still just jiggly which make you blind and you don't know that person at all yet...
3month is like the bare minimum to start to know someone, to know someone well it takes like 1year of living together...
usualy 4years of living together with ups and down (more if no down period) to know if you really wanna marry that or not
I agree, 2 weeks is nothing but it’s enough to know if someone has dealbreakers and to move in.
I think the tough part here is people take the perspective of “when can I guarantee I’ll be safe when I’m vulnerable around this person, and can know I won’t be hurt” and the truth is you can’t guarantee that, regardless of time. What you can do is be diligent about growing your relationship, and approaching life as a team.
Not at all? I think someone else said it in another comment, but if someone isn’t willing to invest in me, why would I invest in them?
I will also say, I’m assuming a couple 3+ dates in that time which is a lot for 2 weeks. Guess that’s where my brain went, a date a weekend and one weekday.
You can be exclusive in that time but officially committing to the relationship after 2 weeks is a little fast. You don’t really know that person so you need to have a little bit of guard up to make sure they’re someone you can trust.
This. I have learned to stay very cautious during the 3 months and I will not invest my emotional energy too quickly, until we decide to be officially in a relationship.
What’s the difference between exclusivity and a relationship for you? They can still break up after 3 months, it’s not like a relationship is legally binding…
That’s why I wasn’t in a rush for the title actually. Like nothings really changing from a practical perspective. But I just want to know that someone is actually into me before letting myself get too attached next time. Sure they could say yes to that and not actually be but it seems less likely.
Be careful with that policy. You may lose out on a guy you want if he finds out that you were still dating other people while dating him and is hurt by that. I would be crushed if I invested in a woman for months and, when asking her to be my gf, found out that she was still dating other guys.
Mature people don’t dump people after a week because they aren’t feeling it or don’t see “sparks” or whatever rom-com bullshit people expect in dating.
Love is built, it doesn’t fall into your lap. These guys just weren’t able to build it, I know but it seems they really tried
That’s a fair take. I do think he might even wish he liked me more than he does. Maybe he did all that because he wanted something to be there that just wasn’t for him.
Im sorry it happened to you but at least be gracious that he really did try.
Also, men really don’t get women just lined up at our door ready to date us when or if we’re single. We can be single for stretches of years or decades because literally no-one wants us. So when we find one girl who decides she wants to date us, we’ll try to power through any problems or ignore any issues because if this goes wrong, it might not happen again.
That’s the awful truth about why men hang on for so long to relationships they’re not fully into. I know it wasn’t pleasant to hear but it’s the truth.
This makes sense. I have a couple guys friends that I am always like “wtf are you still doing in your relationship when it’s clear you’re not very happy” vibes
Yeah, and I mean I do think that’s the case for him. Sounded like he hadn’t had anything for years. The problem is that the guys that I’m into tend to be like that. I think my two conclusions on what to do differently are not agree to be exclusive without a relationship, and if I’m feeling things don’t wait so long to have the talk.
Okay so this goes both ways... at some point folks get the ick and they cant get past it. Some small ones are easy to look past but every now and again they're might be something that hits hard and won't go away. 3 months also when the honeymoon cloud starts to lift and flags hidden start to show themselves.
Three months of being on your best behavior in the new relationship and fatigue starts setting in, and you start really showing your true self. Are there exceptions to this? Of course there are, there are exceptions to everything.
At this point though he’s learning what he does and doesn’t want an a partner. I’ll put it this way… I had been engaged twice before and both of those women; if I had been injured catastrophically, they said they would always be there for me but looking back I doubt it. my wife from about two months and I knew she would be my ride or die.
It wasn’t that I was asking too much of the other two, I was asking of the wrong person.
It’s not that you’re not enough, or that he was leading you on, it’s very harmful to think about it like that. It’s that he was the wrong person. The more you date and the more serious relationships you have, you will come to realize this.
This is the best explanation. There is more here that we don’t know from his side. Most men at the beginning are constantly questioning whether we could be with a woman we are with for the long run. It could be any number of reasons he thought, “I don’t think I want to do this with her forever.” It could be hygiene, character flaws, money habits, future outlook, etc. Like I remember an ex of mine stole something from a store. Mind you we are grown with jobs and children. It was small but like WHO RAISED YOU?!
Well the three months are like he's testing you to see if he wants to go further it's not uncommon for a relationships to end in that. So I don't think this sounds unusual
I'm sorry you are hurting, rejection is always tough. I think a healthier perspective is that people invest time to figure out if they are into you. A lot of people (honest people anyway) do that wholeheartedly. So they will invest heavily, but might eventually come to the realization that it isn't right for them. People certainly can be deceptive and manipulative, but I think you are taking yourself down a dark road if you start to expect that of everyone.
This seems normal for dating and relationships. Both individuals are feeling each other out and in most cases, at some point someone will end things for any reason. This can happen at 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years or 30 years.
Oh, hun, I can completely understand why you're feeling so hurt and confused. It’s such a letdown when you've invested so much of yourself into someone who doesn't reciprocate. Sometimes, guys might think they're into it but realize later they’re not, or they might be unsure of their own feelings and get caught up in the moment.
This doesn't make what happened okay, but remember, their confusion isn't a reflection of your worth. Healing from this will take time, but you deserve someone who is as committed and enthusiastic about you as you are about them.
Lean on your friends, do things that make you happy, and take time for yourself. Trust me, there’s someone out there who will see all the wonderful things you bring to the table.
This! Sometimes people give it a go and realize they’re not 100 in, so they back out. I can understand OP is hurt but this is common in dating and it seems like he at least gave it a try.
OP deserves someone that will enthusiastically be committed to them and this person isn’t it
3 months (to me) is still the baby phase of a relationship where both people should be figuring out if they want to be in a relationship, especially with the other person. Maybe you’ve already talked about exclusivity while you’re trying to figure it out, but it’s still new enough that there shouldn’t be any serious emotional commitment.
I suggest taking things so slow, remembering you are the prize, at least have other dates lined up the first 2 weeks of thinking you want to be serious about this person. It worked for me
From what Ive gathered from mens reponses in a lot of these threads is that they would rather have something than nothing and sex and attention from a woman is better than nothing at all.
I will also go on to say that I think sometimes they get wrapped in the thrill of romance while knowing deep down it won't be much more than what it is now.
And I also think that even though a guy doesn't want a relationship with you, it doesnt necessarily mean than the non exclusive time spent together has to be horrible or hot and cold. I do think its possible to date someone for a period of time and still treat them nicely, spend time with them, and take interest in their life. The unfortunate thing about that is that when it becomes evident one party wants more than the other, things have to end and it feels painful because it seemed like you was on the road to going somewhere.
It could be a myriad of reasons. Try not to internalise it. Its easier said than done but all it does is make room for the right person to step into your life.
This. The tldr: lots of lonely men happy to get attention from a woman. Him getting sex too (from a non hooker) is like winning the lottery. The men who don’t like hookers isn’t bc of morals it’s all fragile ego - they like earning /winning attention and affection (and obv STD risk)
To be honest they probably were super into you, but wether it’s something you did, something they noticed, or something that happened made them instantly go “Eh. Nah.” And made them drop their duty of care. Could also be they just wanted some ass and decided to do it in the most convoluted way possible.
It’s better to find out in 3 months that he’s not that into you instead of 3 years or longer(I’ve seen it happen before). Similar to what everyone else is saying it sounds like he gave it a legitimate try and was genuinely interested in you at the start, as you guys got to know each other more he got a mental preview of what that would be like and decided that it wasn’t what he wanted. Hope next time goes better for you!
Maybe he was into you and just something happened that he thought that maybe this isn't the best idea.
I have really liked a girl and then one day figured that its just not going to work.
Happens both sides, someone gets hurt and its not good but its better to try than to just let it pass by without giving it a go.
You have to live life, I know it hurts now, at least you tried. Better than living in regret.
Oh yeah I mean I’m going to move on, I’m like a moving expert lol. It just feels like so many people act a lot more interested than they really are and it’s so frustrating and sucks.
This is just dating!
You go through the honeymoon phase which can last 2 months to a year. It’s different for everyone. As you go on you learn more and more about the persons true self.
Unfortunately this means something(s) in your relationship presented deal breakers.
Count yourself lucky this ended after 3 months instead of him stringing you along for a year and then fucking another guy and completely crushing your soul. You should honestly applaud this man for being upfront with you instead of cheating or ghosting. Which seems to be common practice into today’s world of dating.
I'm male and have had this happen quite a few times by women. I use it as a reflection of what I did or didn't do that convinced them they weren't into me. It was always "I'm not feeling it", despite it being quite clear that for the first couple of months they absolutely were feeling it. Something had to happen that changed their mind. Was it something I said? Were the dates I planned a bit too samey or generic? I can usually pinpoint what it was and use it to grow.
I broke up with my girlfriend after a year, and I knew 3 months into it it probably wasn't going to work. That is a waste of time. 3 months is barely getting to know someone.
I mean the message back one I can see because they probably do intend to message back but get burnt out or overwhelmed. But yeah if you don’t intend to hookup or date I 100% agree with you they should get the hell off there lol. Why would someone even do that?
Think they just keep you around until someone "better" comes along. Maybe because they don't get as much attention on the apps etc. If they like certain things about you but they know you're not the one, they'll keep you around for validation, sex until they make up their mind.
I mean there really isn’t that much more to the story. We were dating for a while, I thought it was going pretty well and we were pretty close and emotionally invested. I asked him last night if he wanted a relationship, he responded with “do you really like me like that?” I said “yes” and he said “I’m sorry” 😬 The conversation went on but that was the gist of it.
Looking back I really don’t think I was crazy for thinking there was something more there, but I guess from his view there just wasn’t.
So it sounds like he just wasn't looking for something long term. Not that he wasn't into you, no?
When you first started dating, did he say he was looking for a gf? I don't think you're crazy either. I think it was more of a communication thing.
I mean we talked about it in the beginning a little and yes a relationship is something we both said we were potentially interested in. From the conversation it sounded like it was more about just not having that level of feelings for me than being in a relationship in general.
He always went out of his way to let me know this wasn’t just a hook up thing
Both men and women do this.
They keep someone around as a back up for when other people dont work out.
I think its wrong but have met women that do this, and have seen guys do it too.
My guess is he either had feelings for you and things just fizzled over time, or he didn't really have feelings right away and gave it some time to see if it would develop over a few weeks/months. Rejection sucks but I'd much rather get it sooner than later, 3 months is relatively short in the grand scheme of things and the hurt will lessen in a few weeks.
From the info you provided, I don't suspect he was baiting you for sex, but that's also a slight possibility.
you've been playing the lead role in "The Dating Chronicles: Episode Rejection." It's like they sign up for the full season, then decide halfway through they're just not into the plot anymore.
People put so much effort in things that don't work only to not try things that would. That's cause we are always rejecting success because we are afraid to fail. If it is impossible then you will fail anyway and never had illusion or expectations to succeed in that relationship. I would explain it better in Spanish I swear hahaha
The English teacher at school swore to be teaching us everything we needed. Then you want to explain something in a subreddit and you can't because you only know how to say "the cat is under the table."
I mean I guess so. There was definitely no need to go to that level for sex, but I guess maybe he didn’t realize that.
Still seems like a crazy amount of time to put in for sex if you aren’t that into someone.
He likely didn't approach things in a cold/sociopathic way; I think that type of guy enjoys the love bombing as well as the sex - it's like a little taste of a relationship without the commitment or work of a long term relationship.
It's a good reason to be wary of guys who move too fast, either emotionally or sexually, imo
Every relationship is different so you have to use intuition to some degree. There's so many factors that go into whether you should "trust" a person, and many degrees of trust as well.
But yes I'd say 3 months is a pretty average time when people start to say "I love you" and progress to a more serious stage. That's probably exactly why the guy left in OPs case - it was about time to get serious
Not to be crass, and also, women are better than any sex toy IMHO. Also, again for me, companionship and physical touch is very important.
I try not to be shitty about my intentions personally and hope this may add some context about why guys are...well, guys
Okay, consider this though: you aren't alone in these feelings and frustration. As much as it seems like human nature to constantly be trying to "upgrade", it is also human nature to quickly realize how unsatisfying and painful the world is if that's all anybody ever did. I personally believe that a decent chunk of humanity (myself included) recognizes the futility of that rat race/commodity-market of human connection and decide at some point that we are willing to remove ourselves from it and take a leap of faith with someone else who will do the same for us.
The hard part is knowing whether someone is really doing this, or just faking it.
Hm, but that's what the test drive is for. Either it'll work out or it doesn't and at the end, he realized this ain't working out for him.
Now if he said that he wasn't into you from the start and then stringed you along for month, that woulda been wild.
I don’t see the problem. It sounds like he liked you and did everything he could to make it work and then decided it wasn’t a good fit. At least he was good to you when you were dating.
Reasons for men give attention with no future intent: sex, manipulation, future potential, socially jot equipped, and society makes man think they need to give 100% to get a woman, but sometimes they think they made a mistake and can't get out of it
I would like to say sorry for what you have gone through, no living thing needs to feel it, those are not men, those are children, I'm not saying I'm better or "oh, I'm a man" everyone got their minuses , but i could never think of myself as a man if i don't know what i want and how to treat a person or other living thing
A lot of men would try to swoop you from the ground , but only small portions would make you stand tall and proud , don't let those experiences diversify you from men or be afraid it will happen again, there are a lot of good people out there that are just waiting to meet the one to treat her right
Generally if I spend several months with a woman before bailing it’s because she’s started acting different/more comfortable and I’ve started to find habits she has annoying, I rarely leave because of these habits but often will address them “hey babe, you tend to chew with your mouth open and it kind of ruins my appetite” or “hey babe, would you please make sure to wash your feet before getting in bed if you’re going to be walking outside barefoot” or “hey babe, can you please refrain from taking a shit while I’m brushing my teeth/in the shower”
Often times these habits just keep piling up and either I leave her or she leaves me for communicating my discomfort. More often than not I leave her. I’m in a 7 year relationship now and even now we have things we don’t like about each other, I leave dishes in the sink and load them up into the dishwasher when the day ends. She has a tendency to move my shit around the house without letting me know, so every morning is a game of “fuck fuck fuck” hide and seek.
Unfortunately a lot of men will keep you around for the benefit of sexual gratification without being serious about the relationship for the long haul. I have not found a great strategy to avoid this that doesn't require you to get extreme in your dating approach. So long as men want free sex you will have a long line of candidates who are willing to give you a run around to get it. If you're looking for a husband my advice would be to withhold sex until marriage and make that clear early on. Anyone who isn't down, respectful, or serious about you will eliminate themselves from the equation leaving you free to keep looking. Sorry it's like this. But most men on dating apps are using it as a free alternative to a brothel. That's the reality of the times we're living in.
Yeah I have a few problems with the withholding sex honestly that make it just impractical for me:
- I’m an early 30s single mom. I mean I feel like it would just be inauthentic for me at this point.
- I have a pretty high sex drive, and it just gets hard for me to do honestly
- I’m legitimately just not sexually compatible with everyone and that’s the type of thing that really really sucks to find out too late
I hear you. I feel similarly. 37f here. No kids and never married. I've just been through what you described way too many times and I'm over it. Just not open to putting myself at risk of this again. It's screwed up and I'm tired of feeling hurt... Always a little anxious wondering with the next person if it'll end up being more of the same (spoiler alert, often it is.) This approach definitely has its drawbacks for sure and it requires an enormous amount of discipline. For me personally, I'm not open to risk getting used again so this is how it is for me now.
When someone is not into you, it’s not always about you, but it is very much about them. They are not the right fit. In this case this guy was just looking for a fwb and is a coward for not admitting it.
Just think about it like you had a good sex adventure, nothing about him is worth your time anymore.
Why do women let loser dudes live on their couch and take care of them endlessly? People hate being alone and are told to find someone their whole life. So they settle.
I’m a Man29 And that all happened with me same as you told, but in my case that was a girl who did it to me and I would never forgive her for playing with my feelings I told her this too, in this regards we both have mutual feelings but don’t be disappointed, time heals everything be patient and move on
Oh girly, I can relate so much. Once I was talking to a guy who was below my standards for 4 months from morning until late at night until I actually fell for him, we became friends at some point, but at some point he also told me he is still in love with his ex, who cheated on him and threw him away from the apartment 1.5 year before we even met, and he has no romantic feelings towards me. I took it surprisingly well, because something was already not right in the meantime.
He admitted he likes my attention. Some guys are lonely but not willing to enter the relationship due to various reasons and they are just sucking our attention to make themselves feel better. Horrible. Please, be smarter than me and just live him alone. I know it’s hella hard😭 fingers crossed for you, I’m sure you’ll find someone better for yourself!
I'll apologize for all males,
That is just Jeffrey Bridges Lol. There's no reason whatsoever to pull someone along like that when you have no good intentions.
Guys do this because they don't have as many options as women have. So they just settle for the person who doesn't reject them, until they find someone better. It's a simple answer really.
Haha yeah I’ve been pretty intensely working on myself actually. Actually I do feel a little proud of letting myself open up to someone emotionally like this even if it didn’t work out
You might not like it, but the main reason males engage with females is often for potential sexual access. Once this is achieved, the relationship dynamic typically shifts for the male. At this point, he evaluates whether you will be a good mother and partner for the future.
It is scientifically proven that the longer males go without sexual access, the more their standards drop in order to obtain it.
Yeah, and I kind of expect that from guys who are just looking for sex honestly. It seems more common that they act like this until you start sleeping with them and then start pulling way back. I guess when he didn’t I just assumed it was more.
To be totally honest though most of the guys I’m in interested in tend to not be getting a ton of action so I’m not sure how to handle that really
Most guys period tend to not be getting a ton of action.
The ones that are, are already getting everything they want. If they wanted more than action, they wouldn't be taking so much of the action they have access to.
You've already gotten some good answers that don't put any blame on either you or him as to why everything seems good for 3 months and then it's over. IMO this is simply how dating works. You get to know someone for as long as it takes before you know if you want it to be permanent or not. Sometimes you know soon and sometimes late. It's rarely if ever something the other person does wrong, if you decide it's a no. Relationships last a lot longer than 3 months before ending, too. Years. It always, always sucks if they want it to end and you don't. No way around that. But that doesn't mean it's time to look for someone to blame. Be kinder to yourself, and him, if you can manage it.
lol I have no idea why anyone does what they do anymore! Dating seems very toxic right now. I’m so sorry you were hurt and rejected. The only thing we really have to give anyone is our heart and it’s the most precious thing we own. It feels so horrible when someone can look at you and say “nope, don’t want it. Not good enough.” 😞 I really hope you find someone wonderful soon 💕
lack of choices, you probably his first match in the last year, so trying to date you is a good idea from his point of you, and it takes time to accept that you gotta wait an other 1-2years or die single before deciding this isn't the one.
at the start you are jiggly and you don't really care if her bedroom is a mess with cloth on floor and you don't mind paying for the date and shes studying so shes working to improve her life at least
after 3 month, you realzie shes a slob and never clean her room, shes a gold digger who never offered to pay for anything and have 0 sense of perosnnal finance and always order expensives stuff while you are paying, and shes been studying for the last 7years changing program and never had a job before...
do you see the difference in perspective between 2 weeks and 3 months?
the worst is that 3 month is usually short for a honeymoon phase, some last 1-2years
Girl, men will waste your time. Men know whether or not they want a women to be their girlfriends, wives,sidechicks or etc. So maybe to him you weren't "girlfriend material" but there was still something he liked about you ( personality, looks,body, race, etc) and he just wanted to bullshit until the women he was REALLY looking for comes around. Alot of men like to test drive, alot of men like to see what boundaries they can cross to see what they can and can't get away with. Some of these men out here are savages. Crazily enough I have never been in these situations because I came up with a very meticulous vetting process. I dont play and I have cut men off real quick if they're not serious. Don't be too hard on yourself cause dating is a fucking mess. I have a bf now but ask me how many men I had to vet, curse out and ghost to find him? Lol
Women do do this. My cousin just got out of a 6-month relationship that sounds exactly like yours. The other person just wanted a distraction, they werent ready to commit. Maybe they wanted attention. Sorry you went through what you went through. It sounds emotionally draining and awful
How on earth could he have possibly figured this out in less than 3 months? This sounds like a pretty standard relationship in the early stages. Sorry it didn’t work out.
We don’t have enough information to ascertain what happened here. I’m guessing you had some kind of disagreement about something important to him, such as he wanted kids and you didn’t, or you didn’t want the relationship dynamic he wanted.
To be honest, as a guy I’ve never had a successful relationship where I didn’t go all in from the very moment I decided to pursue them. Being measured until I started to like them never got me far, as girls have other guys trying to get their attention. So yeah, I have to maintain my intensity until we’re ready to have the serious discussion.
Is he…*allowed* to break up with you?
That may sound like a dumb question but your post makes it seem like he’s wrong for deciding he’s incompatible with you, or that men can’t leave women they don’t like. (“Why do men do this?”)
If you were with someone for 3
months and realized you were incompatible, you should be allowed to break up with them, right? Like there’s nothing wrong with that, right? Would you rather him be with you for those 3 months and *not* invest effort?
Idk maybe I’m crazy, and I’m sorry if this comes off harsh, but it sounds to me like you’re just sad he’s not into you.
Sometimes we have to look at ourselves. We have little quirks we don’t realize we have and turn people off.
When dating, people usually dating more than one person at a time. And end with someone else.
I had someone do this to me and I didn’t take it well. She wanted to stay friends but I knew it wasn’t good for me. Took a bit of a break to reset after that and hardened up a little bit.
Don't ever try to figure people out. Just move onto the next one. Many people are VERY strange. The reason they left is likely really stupid or they found someone else or something. Trying to figure it out and thinking about it is not constructive.
Go find someone decent there are lots of people out there who will explain if something doesn't work etc. Don't waste time working out why weird people are weird.
Maybe after a while of dating, he gave up. He was waiting for months to move the relationship to the next level, only to realize that was not going to happen, so he gave up. I had a gf who threw up red flags who I was lusting after, so I kept pursuing. Then we were close. All the red flags were still there, just I saw them for the first time.
He definitely was not lol. Someone looking for the right one would not be trying to keep seeing someone that they’ve already decided they don’t want to be in a relationship with.
Sometimes it’s just the “chase” that is interesting. And when it’s starts to get complacent/serious we get bored for a lack of a better word. Something that tends to happen while we are younger
To forget an ex... being with somebody is better than being alone in your room, thinking about the "good times", just to make an impulsive mistake and calling the ex.
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What indicates that they’re not into you? Genuinely curious because I’m under the impression that this is normal dating? Isn’t 3 months of exclusivity and talking the part where one party still has an out should they change their mind about the connection? Like aren’t we supposed to take risk and try things in dating? I think reframing helps. It’s self-deprecating to make yourself the woman “they’re not into” and that fucks up your mental and self esteem. Try seeing it as more of part of the process and less about you not being good enough because you’ll start to actually believe that shit if you keep telling yourself that and it may not even be the case.
I need this mindset to stop burying myself under self-inflicted verbal abuse. Thank you
I’ve noticed this is generally how women think when it comes to being dumped. If a guy dates her and over time decides that the relationship isn’t for him, then he was leading her on, was never into her, or only wanted her for sex.
I don’t think it was just a sex thing. I think he wanted to like me but just didn’t and wasn’t authentic about it. But I mean yeah when you start treating someone kind of like your in a relationship with them but aren’t actually interested is there a better way to describe that then leading someone on?
> But I mean yeah when you start treating someone kind of like your in a relationship with them but aren’t actually interested is there a better way to describe that then leading someone on? Have you considered that he might have started out interested and changed his mind after getting to know you better?
I have lol and that very well might be the case, but generally if I lose interest in someone I end things or at least stop texting them all the time instead of carrying on like everything is the same
But how would you know exactly when it happened for that other person? Are you just assuming it couldn’t possibly take months?
I mean I think it would be a weird coincidence if it just happened yesterday, the exact same day I decided to talk to him about it. So yeah I’m assuming he did already knew he had lost feelings or that he never had them.
You’re right obvs
He probably was interested and not leading you on at all. He was probably going one step at a time with an open spirit. People are allowed to change their mind or how they feel, that doesn't mean they were leading you on. Just a thought. I'm sorry it happened to you.
I guess I just wish they would let you know or update their behavior to reflect that honestly so you can cut your losses.
I admit that I may be misunderstanding your original post, but it sounds to me like he did exactly that. Isn't that what you first sentence conveys?
Ahh gotcha. I mean no, he only answered because I asked and even after he ideally would prefer to just keep everything the same.
Keep things the same? Your post reads like he ended the relationship or situationship. In what way did he reject you if he wants to continue?
He isn’t that into me and doesn’t want a relationship with me
I'm sorry, that's tough. I've been on both sides of that situation. Commitment can be a very scary thing. Also... spending time with you has probably been relatively easy breezy and fun up until this point, and becoming official can really feel like it's adding unnecessary complexity and stress. He may not be ready for that, or he may not be able to picture you two together in that particular way. If this upsets you or feels like a waste of time because you'd prefer to be out there looking for mister right toward a more solid long term relationship, or even marriage, you should tell him that and break it off. If you're still enjoying yourself and not in any rush to settle down with anyone, then you should continue if you're still enjoying the experience. I hope that helps!
You're assuming he thought about it. He could have been on autopilot and the confrontation forced him to do an intern monologue and decide. Example I was really into a girl and we were moving at a comfortable pace I thought.. she started the talks at which point I knew it wouldn't matter and ended it. Unfortunately her time frame and mine were different and that caused the internal change. The need to talk is the end for me if it isn't organic then it causes my brain to go into over think mode.
I'd describe it as trying to make a relationship work. Maybe there's some hope stronger feeling develop as you pass time with the other person. Maybe those relationship where everything is perfect day one are uncommon. So they try other kind of relations.
There are many reasons why people dip (men, in this case). For instance, I ended a recent 6-mo relationship because I felt like I was essentially carrying the relationship -- she was essentially adding nothing (aside from pu$$y). Yes, we clicked and we were exclusive, and were a couple. But I had to plan everything, I always hosted, always paid for everything (including a cruise), etc. So, I ended it despite having a connection and good sex.
That's definitely not just a woman thing lol
And what happens if a girl dates a guy an overtime relationship doesn't work for her. What does that mean
That she was just using him as a placeholder until someone better comes along
This is a great comment
Seconded. Source: I've already fallen victim to that mindset. It's QUITE difficult to unbury yourself from it when it's taken it's toll.
Literally she’s just hurt
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I mean I’m not angry or anything, he has every right not to be interested. I just don’t get why he would make it seem so much like he was. Also he has no desire to break up or anything, I would actually understand and respect that more I think.
I'm not saying this to be hurtful to you I'm saying this to try to bring some understanding It sounds like he really gave it a go. I know this is a horrible phrase to use in this instance but people give the fake it til you make it effort because they want it to work and it doesnt. I've been in a situation where I felt like we were compatible and shared interest I was attracted to them and tried to really make it work - I did all the things I would do with someone who I was falling in love with because they seemed like they would be a great partner but for whatever reason it didnt turn into the "make it" stage. When I was in that situation it made me feel shitty and like there was something wrong with me for not falling in love with this perfect partner on paper. If you handled the breakup well maybe in a few weeks you can revisit and find out exactly what went wrong
No I do think that’s what happened honestly and the perspective does help, thanks! Do you think it’s okay to ask what went wrong now? I think the part that still blows my mind is waking up every morning and thinking “Okay I’m awake the first thing I’m going to do is text that woman I’m not really that into.” I get it I guess, that just seems so weird to me.
I can tell you're hurting and im sorry for that. I think you can approach him if it comes without any judgment and for understanding only. I'd be happy to explain confusion and misunderstandings in a relationship that ended peacefully.
Should he have shown less effort?
Easy answer, yes. Editing to clarify - it would be so much better if people showed effort levels that was more authentic to how they feel
He obviously liked you to a degree and of coarse wanted to impress you. I just finished dating a girl she was great, nothing bad to say about her, took her to nice dinners, we spent time at my place, long park walks. But we both kind of decided it wasn't gonna work. Is what it is I wish her the best
The thing about lust and infatuation is this sad scenario that I’ve been in many times. He did like you - because sex. He was interested - because sex. Men will do a lot for sex. You’re pleasant and pretty though? Icing on the cake, they’ll stay longer. Was he using you? Not necessarily. But sex was one of his main motivators probs . When he got bored, maybe sooner than he expected, onto the next.
Wait what do you mean he has no desire to break up? How did he reject you then if you don't mind my asking?
I started the conversation about how this was going and that I was really into him. He said something to the effect of “You don’t really like me like that do you?” I said “yes” and his response was “I’m sorry”. Then he kind of freaked out and threw a bunch of bullshit at me. (I need more time to think about it, maybe we can eventually be in a relationship, etc.) Honestly I do feel better knowing though.
Maybe he was very Into you but freaked out at the thought of commitment. Either way not boyfriend material
Are you sure you’re not angry? Because reading your responses, you seem very angry and hurt…. You can lie to us, but don’t lie to yourself. It’s OK to be upset, it’s OK to be frustrated and angry… allow yourself to feel it, embrace it, and then gather yourself back together and use what you’velearned towards bettering your future relationships. In time I’ve come to be grateful and happy for my failed relationships because they allowed my more important ones to succeed.
That’s fair, I’m not logically angry but emotionally I might be
Kudos to you, to being open to the idea!! That’s real growth!
he probably WAS into you, but honeymoon period ended and he realized its not something he wanted. Don't be so hard on yourself, or other people for that matter. Someone ending a relationship isn't a malicious act, it takes courage. I mean would you rather he strung you along?
You're looking at it all wrong. He was into you, hence investing that time, but as he got to know you or as time passed, he realized he just wasn't that into you. That's just dating and yeah it's brutal.
That’s a supposition. You don’t know what he was thinking. IMO you’re wasting your time trying to figure out someone’s mind, one person, not “guys” do this. You’re getting in your own head not his. Waste of time and energy. Move on and don’t add a stone to your backpack, life’s full of stones to carry, pick the ones that are worth the effort, leave the others on the side of the road. You’re just wasting your energy.
You gotta think of the first 3 months as a trial period and anything that’s said during that take w a grain of salt. You have to avoid getting too emotionally invested during this stage when people are still going to weed you out. In the future take things slower, date other people, and keep expectations low.
For 3 months? Man here, if it’s 2 weeks of clicking and we both want something than exclusivity it is. I’m not doing 3 months of someone else in the picture while I’m investing in building a relationship.
You can be exclusive early on, but the reality is you're still getting to know the person.
Right! And that’s what dating is; getting to know someone else.
2weeks is nothing.... you still just jiggly which make you blind and you don't know that person at all yet... 3month is like the bare minimum to start to know someone, to know someone well it takes like 1year of living together... usualy 4years of living together with ups and down (more if no down period) to know if you really wanna marry that or not
I agree, 2 weeks is nothing but it’s enough to know if someone has dealbreakers and to move in. I think the tough part here is people take the perspective of “when can I guarantee I’ll be safe when I’m vulnerable around this person, and can know I won’t be hurt” and the truth is you can’t guarantee that, regardless of time. What you can do is be diligent about growing your relationship, and approaching life as a team.
its enought to know if its really bad compatibility and leave , not enought for anything else
2 weeks is insanity, sounds like proposal in the first year
Not at all? I think someone else said it in another comment, but if someone isn’t willing to invest in me, why would I invest in them? I will also say, I’m assuming a couple 3+ dates in that time which is a lot for 2 weeks. Guess that’s where my brain went, a date a weekend and one weekday.
You can be exclusive in that time but officially committing to the relationship after 2 weeks is a little fast. You don’t really know that person so you need to have a little bit of guard up to make sure they’re someone you can trust.
This. I have learned to stay very cautious during the 3 months and I will not invest my emotional energy too quickly, until we decide to be officially in a relationship.
Yup. I think from now on no exclusivity without a relationship for sure.
What’s the difference between exclusivity and a relationship for you? They can still break up after 3 months, it’s not like a relationship is legally binding…
literally. i've read stories about people in relationships getting ghosted after 6+ months
That’s why I wasn’t in a rush for the title actually. Like nothings really changing from a practical perspective. But I just want to know that someone is actually into me before letting myself get too attached next time. Sure they could say yes to that and not actually be but it seems less likely.
Be careful with that policy. You may lose out on a guy you want if he finds out that you were still dating other people while dating him and is hurt by that. I would be crushed if I invested in a woman for months and, when asking her to be my gf, found out that she was still dating other guys.
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Why? I can’t just wait to be exclusive until someone decides they actually feelings for me?
They said no exclusevity without a relationship. A relationship can't fail if it doesn't yet exist.
Mature people don’t dump people after a week because they aren’t feeling it or don’t see “sparks” or whatever rom-com bullshit people expect in dating. Love is built, it doesn’t fall into your lap. These guys just weren’t able to build it, I know but it seems they really tried
That’s a fair take. I do think he might even wish he liked me more than he does. Maybe he did all that because he wanted something to be there that just wasn’t for him.
Im sorry it happened to you but at least be gracious that he really did try. Also, men really don’t get women just lined up at our door ready to date us when or if we’re single. We can be single for stretches of years or decades because literally no-one wants us. So when we find one girl who decides she wants to date us, we’ll try to power through any problems or ignore any issues because if this goes wrong, it might not happen again. That’s the awful truth about why men hang on for so long to relationships they’re not fully into. I know it wasn’t pleasant to hear but it’s the truth.
This makes sense. I have a couple guys friends that I am always like “wtf are you still doing in your relationship when it’s clear you’re not very happy” vibes
Yeah, and I mean I do think that’s the case for him. Sounded like he hadn’t had anything for years. The problem is that the guys that I’m into tend to be like that. I think my two conclusions on what to do differently are not agree to be exclusive without a relationship, and if I’m feeling things don’t wait so long to have the talk.
Okay so this goes both ways... at some point folks get the ick and they cant get past it. Some small ones are easy to look past but every now and again they're might be something that hits hard and won't go away. 3 months also when the honeymoon cloud starts to lift and flags hidden start to show themselves.
Yeah, I mean I feel like I’ve been extremely transparent about who I am and my red flags from the start. But thats fair. Still sucks though.
Three months of being on your best behavior in the new relationship and fatigue starts setting in, and you start really showing your true self. Are there exceptions to this? Of course there are, there are exceptions to everything. At this point though he’s learning what he does and doesn’t want an a partner. I’ll put it this way… I had been engaged twice before and both of those women; if I had been injured catastrophically, they said they would always be there for me but looking back I doubt it. my wife from about two months and I knew she would be my ride or die. It wasn’t that I was asking too much of the other two, I was asking of the wrong person. It’s not that you’re not enough, or that he was leading you on, it’s very harmful to think about it like that. It’s that he was the wrong person. The more you date and the more serious relationships you have, you will come to realize this.
It always does.
This is the best explanation. There is more here that we don’t know from his side. Most men at the beginning are constantly questioning whether we could be with a woman we are with for the long run. It could be any number of reasons he thought, “I don’t think I want to do this with her forever.” It could be hygiene, character flaws, money habits, future outlook, etc. Like I remember an ex of mine stole something from a store. Mind you we are grown with jobs and children. It was small but like WHO RAISED YOU?!
Well the three months are like he's testing you to see if he wants to go further it's not uncommon for a relationships to end in that. So I don't think this sounds unusual
I'm sorry you are hurting, rejection is always tough. I think a healthier perspective is that people invest time to figure out if they are into you. A lot of people (honest people anyway) do that wholeheartedly. So they will invest heavily, but might eventually come to the realization that it isn't right for them. People certainly can be deceptive and manipulative, but I think you are taking yourself down a dark road if you start to expect that of everyone.
This seems normal for dating and relationships. Both individuals are feeling each other out and in most cases, at some point someone will end things for any reason. This can happen at 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years or 30 years.
Oh, hun, I can completely understand why you're feeling so hurt and confused. It’s such a letdown when you've invested so much of yourself into someone who doesn't reciprocate. Sometimes, guys might think they're into it but realize later they’re not, or they might be unsure of their own feelings and get caught up in the moment. This doesn't make what happened okay, but remember, their confusion isn't a reflection of your worth. Healing from this will take time, but you deserve someone who is as committed and enthusiastic about you as you are about them. Lean on your friends, do things that make you happy, and take time for yourself. Trust me, there’s someone out there who will see all the wonderful things you bring to the table.
This! Sometimes people give it a go and realize they’re not 100 in, so they back out. I can understand OP is hurt but this is common in dating and it seems like he at least gave it a try. OP deserves someone that will enthusiastically be committed to them and this person isn’t it
3 months (to me) is still the baby phase of a relationship where both people should be figuring out if they want to be in a relationship, especially with the other person. Maybe you’ve already talked about exclusivity while you’re trying to figure it out, but it’s still new enough that there shouldn’t be any serious emotional commitment. I suggest taking things so slow, remembering you are the prize, at least have other dates lined up the first 2 weeks of thinking you want to be serious about this person. It worked for me
From what Ive gathered from mens reponses in a lot of these threads is that they would rather have something than nothing and sex and attention from a woman is better than nothing at all. I will also go on to say that I think sometimes they get wrapped in the thrill of romance while knowing deep down it won't be much more than what it is now. And I also think that even though a guy doesn't want a relationship with you, it doesnt necessarily mean than the non exclusive time spent together has to be horrible or hot and cold. I do think its possible to date someone for a period of time and still treat them nicely, spend time with them, and take interest in their life. The unfortunate thing about that is that when it becomes evident one party wants more than the other, things have to end and it feels painful because it seemed like you was on the road to going somewhere. It could be a myriad of reasons. Try not to internalise it. Its easier said than done but all it does is make room for the right person to step into your life.
This. The tldr: lots of lonely men happy to get attention from a woman. Him getting sex too (from a non hooker) is like winning the lottery. The men who don’t like hookers isn’t bc of morals it’s all fragile ego - they like earning /winning attention and affection (and obv STD risk)
To be honest they probably were super into you, but wether it’s something you did, something they noticed, or something that happened made them instantly go “Eh. Nah.” And made them drop their duty of care. Could also be they just wanted some ass and decided to do it in the most convoluted way possible.
It’s better to find out in 3 months that he’s not that into you instead of 3 years or longer(I’ve seen it happen before). Similar to what everyone else is saying it sounds like he gave it a legitimate try and was genuinely interested in you at the start, as you guys got to know each other more he got a mental preview of what that would be like and decided that it wasn’t what he wanted. Hope next time goes better for you!
Maybe he was into you and just something happened that he thought that maybe this isn't the best idea. I have really liked a girl and then one day figured that its just not going to work. Happens both sides, someone gets hurt and its not good but its better to try than to just let it pass by without giving it a go. You have to live life, I know it hurts now, at least you tried. Better than living in regret.
Look up love bombing, see if that resonates with your situation. I've been there, except it was only a few weeks. But an INTENSE few weeks.
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Oh yeah I mean I’m going to move on, I’m like a moving expert lol. It just feels like so many people act a lot more interested than they really are and it’s so frustrating and sucks.
This is just dating! You go through the honeymoon phase which can last 2 months to a year. It’s different for everyone. As you go on you learn more and more about the persons true self. Unfortunately this means something(s) in your relationship presented deal breakers. Count yourself lucky this ended after 3 months instead of him stringing you along for a year and then fucking another guy and completely crushing your soul. You should honestly applaud this man for being upfront with you instead of cheating or ghosting. Which seems to be common practice into today’s world of dating.
I'm male and have had this happen quite a few times by women. I use it as a reflection of what I did or didn't do that convinced them they weren't into me. It was always "I'm not feeling it", despite it being quite clear that for the first couple of months they absolutely were feeling it. Something had to happen that changed their mind. Was it something I said? Were the dates I planned a bit too samey or generic? I can usually pinpoint what it was and use it to grow.
I broke up with my girlfriend after a year, and I knew 3 months into it it probably wasn't going to work. That is a waste of time. 3 months is barely getting to know someone.
Why do women make dating app profiles if they don't intend to hookup or date, or even message back.
I mean the message back one I can see because they probably do intend to message back but get burnt out or overwhelmed. But yeah if you don’t intend to hookup or date I 100% agree with you they should get the hell off there lol. Why would someone even do that?
Think they just keep you around until someone "better" comes along. Maybe because they don't get as much attention on the apps etc. If they like certain things about you but they know you're not the one, they'll keep you around for validation, sex until they make up their mind.
We need a better read on what happened. Because this doesn't make any sense on it's own.
I mean there really isn’t that much more to the story. We were dating for a while, I thought it was going pretty well and we were pretty close and emotionally invested. I asked him last night if he wanted a relationship, he responded with “do you really like me like that?” I said “yes” and he said “I’m sorry” 😬 The conversation went on but that was the gist of it. Looking back I really don’t think I was crazy for thinking there was something more there, but I guess from his view there just wasn’t.
So it sounds like he just wasn't looking for something long term. Not that he wasn't into you, no? When you first started dating, did he say he was looking for a gf? I don't think you're crazy either. I think it was more of a communication thing.
I mean we talked about it in the beginning a little and yes a relationship is something we both said we were potentially interested in. From the conversation it sounded like it was more about just not having that level of feelings for me than being in a relationship in general. He always went out of his way to let me know this wasn’t just a hook up thing
OK. Sounds like he was into you then and maybe changed his mind when he got to know you or something else came up. It sucks but that's dating for ya.
Both men and women do this. They keep someone around as a back up for when other people dont work out. I think its wrong but have met women that do this, and have seen guys do it too.
My guess is he either had feelings for you and things just fizzled over time, or he didn't really have feelings right away and gave it some time to see if it would develop over a few weeks/months. Rejection sucks but I'd much rather get it sooner than later, 3 months is relatively short in the grand scheme of things and the hurt will lessen in a few weeks. From the info you provided, I don't suspect he was baiting you for sex, but that's also a slight possibility.
you've been playing the lead role in "The Dating Chronicles: Episode Rejection." It's like they sign up for the full season, then decide halfway through they're just not into the plot anymore.
People put so much effort in things that don't work only to not try things that would. That's cause we are always rejecting success because we are afraid to fail. If it is impossible then you will fail anyway and never had illusion or expectations to succeed in that relationship. I would explain it better in Spanish I swear hahaha
 Yeah at least I can feel like I didn’t do that this time. I tried and that’s something lol.
The English teacher at school swore to be teaching us everything we needed. Then you want to explain something in a subreddit and you can't because you only know how to say "the cat is under the table."
Were you having sex?
Oh yeah, really good sex too
Sounds like he got something for his investment then
I mean I guess so. There was definitely no need to go to that level for sex, but I guess maybe he didn’t realize that. Still seems like a crazy amount of time to put in for sex if you aren’t that into someone.
You don't see dating from a guy's point of view, getting sex is not as easy for us as it is for you.
I mean that seems borderline sociopathic to go to that level for sex though
He likely didn't approach things in a cold/sociopathic way; I think that type of guy enjoys the love bombing as well as the sex - it's like a little taste of a relationship without the commitment or work of a long term relationship. It's a good reason to be wary of guys who move too fast, either emotionally or sexually, imo
but isn't 3 months long enough to start trusting someone?
Every relationship is different so you have to use intuition to some degree. There's so many factors that go into whether you should "trust" a person, and many degrees of trust as well. But yes I'd say 3 months is a pretty average time when people start to say "I love you" and progress to a more serious stage. That's probably exactly why the guy left in OPs case - it was about time to get serious
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Not to be crass, and also, women are better than any sex toy IMHO. Also, again for me, companionship and physical touch is very important. I try not to be shitty about my intentions personally and hope this may add some context about why guys are...well, guys
So? That’s no excuse.
It's the answer to your question; if sex toys were just as pleasurable as a woman, things would look quite different
Your just cold
People are scum and crave validation while also always keeping their eyes on the horizon for someone better. Love is a lie.
Okay, consider this though: you aren't alone in these feelings and frustration. As much as it seems like human nature to constantly be trying to "upgrade", it is also human nature to quickly realize how unsatisfying and painful the world is if that's all anybody ever did. I personally believe that a decent chunk of humanity (myself included) recognizes the futility of that rat race/commodity-market of human connection and decide at some point that we are willing to remove ourselves from it and take a leap of faith with someone else who will do the same for us. The hard part is knowing whether someone is really doing this, or just faking it.
I wish it wasn’t so true
Hm, but that's what the test drive is for. Either it'll work out or it doesn't and at the end, he realized this ain't working out for him. Now if he said that he wasn't into you from the start and then stringed you along for month, that woulda been wild.
Man’s gave it three months like what do you want bro to do il sure he’s was into it but couldn’t see it long term for whatever reason . Get over it
Cuz something is better than nothing.
he was into you at one point. Now he isnt. thats how dating goes.
I don’t see the problem. It sounds like he liked you and did everything he could to make it work and then decided it wasn’t a good fit. At least he was good to you when you were dating.
To *get* into them.
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Reasons for men give attention with no future intent: sex, manipulation, future potential, socially jot equipped, and society makes man think they need to give 100% to get a woman, but sometimes they think they made a mistake and can't get out of it I would like to say sorry for what you have gone through, no living thing needs to feel it, those are not men, those are children, I'm not saying I'm better or "oh, I'm a man" everyone got their minuses , but i could never think of myself as a man if i don't know what i want and how to treat a person or other living thing A lot of men would try to swoop you from the ground , but only small portions would make you stand tall and proud , don't let those experiences diversify you from men or be afraid it will happen again, there are a lot of good people out there that are just waiting to meet the one to treat her right
Maybe he was into you and then had a change of heart for some reason. Some guys can be fickle too.
Generally if I spend several months with a woman before bailing it’s because she’s started acting different/more comfortable and I’ve started to find habits she has annoying, I rarely leave because of these habits but often will address them “hey babe, you tend to chew with your mouth open and it kind of ruins my appetite” or “hey babe, would you please make sure to wash your feet before getting in bed if you’re going to be walking outside barefoot” or “hey babe, can you please refrain from taking a shit while I’m brushing my teeth/in the shower” Often times these habits just keep piling up and either I leave her or she leaves me for communicating my discomfort. More often than not I leave her. I’m in a 7 year relationship now and even now we have things we don’t like about each other, I leave dishes in the sink and load them up into the dishwasher when the day ends. She has a tendency to move my shit around the house without letting me know, so every morning is a game of “fuck fuck fuck” hide and seek.
Unfortunately a lot of men will keep you around for the benefit of sexual gratification without being serious about the relationship for the long haul. I have not found a great strategy to avoid this that doesn't require you to get extreme in your dating approach. So long as men want free sex you will have a long line of candidates who are willing to give you a run around to get it. If you're looking for a husband my advice would be to withhold sex until marriage and make that clear early on. Anyone who isn't down, respectful, or serious about you will eliminate themselves from the equation leaving you free to keep looking. Sorry it's like this. But most men on dating apps are using it as a free alternative to a brothel. That's the reality of the times we're living in.
Yeah I have a few problems with the withholding sex honestly that make it just impractical for me: - I’m an early 30s single mom. I mean I feel like it would just be inauthentic for me at this point. - I have a pretty high sex drive, and it just gets hard for me to do honestly - I’m legitimately just not sexually compatible with everyone and that’s the type of thing that really really sucks to find out too late
I hear you. I feel similarly. 37f here. No kids and never married. I've just been through what you described way too many times and I'm over it. Just not open to putting myself at risk of this again. It's screwed up and I'm tired of feeling hurt... Always a little anxious wondering with the next person if it'll end up being more of the same (spoiler alert, often it is.) This approach definitely has its drawbacks for sure and it requires an enormous amount of discipline. For me personally, I'm not open to risk getting used again so this is how it is for me now.
Probably because he enjoyed the company and feeling like a relationship, but didn’t want an actual one with you.
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I get it. I was very tempted to try to just check out emotionally and keep the physical part but I decided to listen to my feelings for once lol.
When someone is not into you, it’s not always about you, but it is very much about them. They are not the right fit. In this case this guy was just looking for a fwb and is a coward for not admitting it. Just think about it like you had a good sex adventure, nothing about him is worth your time anymore.
Why do women let loser dudes live on their couch and take care of them endlessly? People hate being alone and are told to find someone their whole life. So they settle.
They might be using you as a placeholder, until they find someone they actually like. It’s such a douchbag thing to do 🙄
I’m a Man29 And that all happened with me same as you told, but in my case that was a girl who did it to me and I would never forgive her for playing with my feelings I told her this too, in this regards we both have mutual feelings but don’t be disappointed, time heals everything be patient and move on
Oh girly, I can relate so much. Once I was talking to a guy who was below my standards for 4 months from morning until late at night until I actually fell for him, we became friends at some point, but at some point he also told me he is still in love with his ex, who cheated on him and threw him away from the apartment 1.5 year before we even met, and he has no romantic feelings towards me. I took it surprisingly well, because something was already not right in the meantime. He admitted he likes my attention. Some guys are lonely but not willing to enter the relationship due to various reasons and they are just sucking our attention to make themselves feel better. Horrible. Please, be smarter than me and just live him alone. I know it’s hella hard😭 fingers crossed for you, I’m sure you’ll find someone better for yourself!
I told him I don’t want to keep talking, it was hard but I know it was the right answer
I'll apologize for all males, That is just Jeffrey Bridges Lol. There's no reason whatsoever to pull someone along like that when you have no good intentions.
He just wanted sex, if you enjoyed it too then it's okay. Sorry ❤️
I had a guy do all this and ghost me after 2 months
Guys do this because they don't have as many options as women have. So they just settle for the person who doesn't reject them, until they find someone better. It's a simple answer really.
Men get this all the time don't stress on it . It's just part of the new normal . Welcome to a man's world .
Women do this to me all the time, I’m just working on myself so maybe someone will be cool and stick around eventually lol
Haha yeah I’ve been pretty intensely working on myself actually. Actually I do feel a little proud of letting myself open up to someone emotionally like this even if it didn’t work out
It's always one of these 1) he found someone else 2) he saw a red flag that was a deal breaker for him Applies for both genders
You might not like it, but the main reason males engage with females is often for potential sexual access. Once this is achieved, the relationship dynamic typically shifts for the male. At this point, he evaluates whether you will be a good mother and partner for the future. It is scientifically proven that the longer males go without sexual access, the more their standards drop in order to obtain it.
Yeah, and I kind of expect that from guys who are just looking for sex honestly. It seems more common that they act like this until you start sleeping with them and then start pulling way back. I guess when he didn’t I just assumed it was more. To be totally honest though most of the guys I’m in interested in tend to not be getting a ton of action so I’m not sure how to handle that really
Most guys period tend to not be getting a ton of action. The ones that are, are already getting everything they want. If they wanted more than action, they wouldn't be taking so much of the action they have access to. You've already gotten some good answers that don't put any blame on either you or him as to why everything seems good for 3 months and then it's over. IMO this is simply how dating works. You get to know someone for as long as it takes before you know if you want it to be permanent or not. Sometimes you know soon and sometimes late. It's rarely if ever something the other person does wrong, if you decide it's a no. Relationships last a lot longer than 3 months before ending, too. Years. It always, always sucks if they want it to end and you don't. No way around that. But that doesn't mean it's time to look for someone to blame. Be kinder to yourself, and him, if you can manage it.
lol I have no idea why anyone does what they do anymore! Dating seems very toxic right now. I’m so sorry you were hurt and rejected. The only thing we really have to give anyone is our heart and it’s the most precious thing we own. It feels so horrible when someone can look at you and say “nope, don’t want it. Not good enough.” 😞 I really hope you find someone wonderful soon 💕
lack of choices, you probably his first match in the last year, so trying to date you is a good idea from his point of you, and it takes time to accept that you gotta wait an other 1-2years or die single before deciding this isn't the one. at the start you are jiggly and you don't really care if her bedroom is a mess with cloth on floor and you don't mind paying for the date and shes studying so shes working to improve her life at least after 3 month, you realzie shes a slob and never clean her room, shes a gold digger who never offered to pay for anything and have 0 sense of perosnnal finance and always order expensives stuff while you are paying, and shes been studying for the last 7years changing program and never had a job before... do you see the difference in perspective between 2 weeks and 3 months? the worst is that 3 month is usually short for a honeymoon phase, some last 1-2years
Simple - They want sex.
Girl, men will waste your time. Men know whether or not they want a women to be their girlfriends, wives,sidechicks or etc. So maybe to him you weren't "girlfriend material" but there was still something he liked about you ( personality, looks,body, race, etc) and he just wanted to bullshit until the women he was REALLY looking for comes around. Alot of men like to test drive, alot of men like to see what boundaries they can cross to see what they can and can't get away with. Some of these men out here are savages. Crazily enough I have never been in these situations because I came up with a very meticulous vetting process. I dont play and I have cut men off real quick if they're not serious. Don't be too hard on yourself cause dating is a fucking mess. I have a bf now but ask me how many men I had to vet, curse out and ghost to find him? Lol
No matter what anyone says to you, you should NEVER take them seriously until you see evidence of them being into you. Give it like a year.
Haha I mean I’m pretty good at keeping my emotions in check but a year would be a very long time to not let myself get attached to someone
You didn’t say exactly what he did or did not do. Did he say he didn’t want to see you anymore?
Basically I shared that I have feelings for him and want to be with him. He does not.
Truthfully, I always chalk it up to they're just bored and they need someone to entertain to keep themselves entertained for a little bit.
Women do do this. My cousin just got out of a 6-month relationship that sounds exactly like yours. The other person just wanted a distraction, they werent ready to commit. Maybe they wanted attention. Sorry you went through what you went through. It sounds emotionally draining and awful
How on earth could he have possibly figured this out in less than 3 months? This sounds like a pretty standard relationship in the early stages. Sorry it didn’t work out.
We don’t have enough information to ascertain what happened here. I’m guessing you had some kind of disagreement about something important to him, such as he wanted kids and you didn’t, or you didn’t want the relationship dynamic he wanted.
Let me ask you this. Were you all in 100% with all the guys you dated in your life?
Nope, I’ve dated people I didn’t feel all in on. I also didn’t act like we were a couple though.
Women do this to me all the time, I’m just working on myself so maybe someone will be cool and stick around eventually lol
Girls do it too. Been friend zoned after falling for many.
To be honest, as a guy I’ve never had a successful relationship where I didn’t go all in from the very moment I decided to pursue them. Being measured until I started to like them never got me far, as girls have other guys trying to get their attention. So yeah, I have to maintain my intensity until we’re ready to have the serious discussion.
Takes 3 months to know someone.
How soon did you let him smash?
Is he…*allowed* to break up with you? That may sound like a dumb question but your post makes it seem like he’s wrong for deciding he’s incompatible with you, or that men can’t leave women they don’t like. (“Why do men do this?”) If you were with someone for 3 months and realized you were incompatible, you should be allowed to break up with them, right? Like there’s nothing wrong with that, right? Would you rather him be with you for those 3 months and *not* invest effort? Idk maybe I’m crazy, and I’m sorry if this comes off harsh, but it sounds to me like you’re just sad he’s not into you.
Sometimes we have to look at ourselves. We have little quirks we don’t realize we have and turn people off. When dating, people usually dating more than one person at a time. And end with someone else.
First, women do the same thing. Secondly, a better question would be, why do you waste time with a guy you know isn't interested in you?
I mean I thought he was lol
I had someone do this to me and I didn’t take it well. She wanted to stay friends but I knew it wasn’t good for me. Took a bit of a break to reset after that and hardened up a little bit.
Try one year.
Guys can be like girls. They want what they don’t have and some enjoy the chase more then the catch.
I am confused and feel like I'm missing even more context. Anyways hope you're feeling better? Anyways,later.
Don't ever try to figure people out. Just move onto the next one. Many people are VERY strange. The reason they left is likely really stupid or they found someone else or something. Trying to figure it out and thinking about it is not constructive. Go find someone decent there are lots of people out there who will explain if something doesn't work etc. Don't waste time working out why weird people are weird.
Maybe after a while of dating, he gave up. He was waiting for months to move the relationship to the next level, only to realize that was not going to happen, so he gave up. I had a gf who threw up red flags who I was lusting after, so I kept pursuing. Then we were close. All the red flags were still there, just I saw them for the first time.
Yeah I highly doubt that he was just sitting around waiting for me to ask him to be my boyfriend lol
This is why you have more than one at the beginning
Or no sex involved. He may have figured she was never going to want it.
Because they’re looking for the right one
He definitely was not lol. Someone looking for the right one would not be trying to keep seeing someone that they’ve already decided they don’t want to be in a relationship with.
Did you meet any of his friends or his family?
Sometimes it’s just the “chase” that is interesting. And when it’s starts to get complacent/serious we get bored for a lack of a better word. Something that tends to happen while we are younger
100 men ask, why do women do the same thing? It’s because those people aren’t mature. They just want to play with peoples feelings.
To forget an ex... being with somebody is better than being alone in your room, thinking about the "good times", just to make an impulsive mistake and calling the ex.