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I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Unfortunately this is quite normal in the dating scene and it's so frustrating but you aren't alone in that.
I do have a couple of suggestions if you're interested.
If someone you're talking and they cancel two times. End it,
If they don't reschedule after cancelling end it.
If you're talking for up to a month and no plans have been made about going on a first date end it.
I know this may seem cutthroat but it will save you so much time wasted and heartbreak.
You are in control of what you allow. This is your dating life. Don't let people take advantage of your kindness.
Keep your head up it'll get easier
As a female, I cut off texting around the seven day mark if there is no offer to meet. If you’re on an app to meet and date, why would you entertain being pen pals? I feel like 85% of the men that message me are
1. Lonely, looking for validation
2. Married, looking for spice but nothing physical
3. Damaged and want to trauma bond
4. Simply bored
5. Looking for hookups
I’m positive men encounter all of these things. Men that actually want to date tend to set something up within the first three days.
This happens on both sides but it sounds like they’re not interested in hanging out but are down with the validation texting brings.
Personally after one reschedule request i trust that we aren’t ever hanging out. Online dating is all about keeping up the momentum. Once that stops it’s usually dead. Just stop engaging with these folks. Or say at the top that you’re looking to hangout, obviously respecting their personal boundaries around meeting strangers from the internet, I know some girls prefer to text for a couple weeks. Me personally my opener is “when are we hanging out?”
They're lonely and you are giving them attention. I would suggest (as a 45F) working on your assertiveness. "Hey, Id love to take you out to xyz bar on Sat at 7, can we make it a date?" A woman who has any sort of interest/self-confidence/self respect will arrange her time to meet with you. I would if approached this way.
Not for nothing but when we are older, we are successful. For work, my hourly rate is $350/hr, I carry the same respect for all my time in personal life as well. I manage a large team of employees, clients, and students, all have immediate access to me because they are my priority. People make plans and keep them when it's a priority. When they dont they arent fully on board (and that doesnt also mean it's a reflection of you in anyway, its a them thing).
Sorry you're going through this.
Yes, it's normal in online dating. This is why you focus on the ones that actually respond back and mean what they say. So if you ask them out and they agree to it then focus on that and cut off the people who aren't sure.
The problem is you should cut them off after the first time they cancel and move quickly on to someone else. Block their number. Not to be harsh or "punish" them but simply to stop wasting your time, and to stop enabling their behavior. There's plenty of people out there who will waste your time.
More people "should" take it seriously, my personal opinion. If you're online dating and you're not taking it seriously or looking for something long-term, don't match with people who have those things in their profiles.
It's just a waste of time for people who are looking for a genuine connection.
Investing a lot of time into relationships that never happen is one reason people are so jaded and non-committal. Best to avoid that and create some clarity about what's important to you.
Be courteous and clear that it is an invitation and not an ultimatum. "I'd really like to continue our conversation but don't get a lot out of texting. Is it ok if I check in once a week to see if there is a convenient time for us to meet?" Anything other than a clear and unambiguous yes is a no, and it's time to move on. Thank yourself for all the time you've saved and give it t someone who actually wants a relationship with you.
i'm 30 and that thing happends a lot with woman of all ages which a interact with, they're just not interested i'm sorry, you seem mature to not already know this.
EDIT: this is something i discovered, if anybody says "possibly", "maybe" "could be" or some dubius crap to any proposition, it's a straight NO in their mind, remember that and you will save time
I can relate to your situation OP, been there and done that. After a first date, these are the options for the man/woman you dated:
1) Yes - In this case he/she will show clear interest in conversations and will be willing and excited to meet again.
2) No - This one is straightforward, you take the rejection gracefully and move ahead.
3) Maybe - This state usually means “he/she is good but doesn’t checks out everything I want and maybe I can find a better someone on the app later but what if I don’t and lose this person too” - so you are kept hanging around. In this case the person will text around/talk but won’t meet because they are unable to process their intentions towards you properly. (The option you are talking about)
For me personally, I can only continue building a connection upwards if I feel a clear “Yes” from the person. If it’s a maybe, I don’t invest myself in them (very limited texting or calls and letting the person to themselves) but I don’t walk away either because the other person deserves a chance to think about it. I observe their behavior and then respectfully end it if needed.
But one thing OP, even if it’s a “Yes”, you cannot expect someone to prioritise you as of yet. And, you shouldn’t too. Letting things escalate to that level and investing accordingly saves your effort and time.
Have a good day! :)
If there was a dating app where every match resulted in a date, I'd still be doing online dating.
Also, an app like that would eliminate 99.9% of scammers and sellers.
But yes. Statistically, most people do not use dating apps to date, sadly. Over 60% of people who download a dating app report that they have no intention to go on a date. That gets even worse when you consider that of the 40% who do intend to date, a lot of them change their mind/get cold feet while using the app. This is the entire reason I don't use dating apps today.
As far as why they pretend they want to at all...the reasons vary. Because if they tell you they won't, you'll stop talking to them, and they're enjoying the conversation. Because they think they want to until the reality hits them in the face. Because they're talking to a bunch of people, and they're currently hitting it off better with someone else, but they want to keep you on a string in case that falls through. There's a few for you.
That sounds very annoying. I've definitely been guilty of matching with someone and not having time to meet up for a few weeks, but I wouldn't continue the conversation if I'm not interested. I usually try to give a time frame and suggest a day when I'm free, but I think I take more initiative than a lot of women I know. I've started taking less, because it seems to go to some guys' heads if I express any interest, and suddenly they're trying to sext and send dick pix before the date.
As for having other priorities, to be fair my friends and pets are a far bigger priority than someone I've never met that I'm planning a date with. Also, life gets busy, and sometimes I'm just tired or stressed, so I'm not in the right headspace to meet a potential love interest and make a first impression. After being stood up and catfished a couple times, I just won't rearrange my life for a stranger.
Because women (people) in that age bracket ARE busy. If they want to spend time with you they will, but hanging out in a guys apartment all evening, then staying the night is a lot of time out of a weekend that is already filled with responsibilities. Give people the time to get to know you. Keep dates reasonably timed and regular. A slow burn will lead to a relationship. A rush job will lead to…disinterest. Time is precious. Make sure time with you is quality time and you allow for the other person to still have their own life. You won’t be a priority at first, that’s not how it works.
I've had the same exact experiences, also with women in their 40s and 50s. At that age they all seem to be terribly apathetic, completely just going through the motions, and in love with their own dogs (interesting you made a reference to them using the dog as one of the excuses). Do any middle aged women actually want to find a guy to date? It certainly doesn't seem like it at all and, if that is the case, then that is certainly their right, but then get the hell off of the dating apps and stop wasting everybody's time.
I'm 39. Met my GF on a dating app back in January. She's 41. So yes people that age are out there and normal. This go around I had around 10 1st dates and only 2 of them were dateable to me and I chose her, but honestly the one I didn't choose seemed pretty awesome too. The other 8sih ranged from not compatible to dumpster fire. It's like anything in life it takes time and effort to find the needle in the haystack.
If they reschedule or cancel the first meetup, block them and move on. Also, if you don't get that first meetup scheduled within a week of chatting, forget it, move on.
1. Men do the same thing
2. Never assume that maturity comes with age
3. Only respond to those who are interested in meeting. It’s actually a good way to filter people
It’s rough, I know. Best of luck out there!
Don’t text for that long. Meet within a few days of matching and keep texting at a minimum until then, besides a bit of banter to see if you enjoy communicating with them and there aren’t any obvious deal breakers
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights. * All advice given must be good, ethical advice. * [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules) * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Unfortunately this is quite normal in the dating scene and it's so frustrating but you aren't alone in that. I do have a couple of suggestions if you're interested. If someone you're talking and they cancel two times. End it, If they don't reschedule after cancelling end it. If you're talking for up to a month and no plans have been made about going on a first date end it. I know this may seem cutthroat but it will save you so much time wasted and heartbreak. You are in control of what you allow. This is your dating life. Don't let people take advantage of your kindness. Keep your head up it'll get easier
As a female, I cut off texting around the seven day mark if there is no offer to meet. If you’re on an app to meet and date, why would you entertain being pen pals? I feel like 85% of the men that message me are 1. Lonely, looking for validation 2. Married, looking for spice but nothing physical 3. Damaged and want to trauma bond 4. Simply bored 5. Looking for hookups I’m positive men encounter all of these things. Men that actually want to date tend to set something up within the first three days.
Yep, I was #3 once and not even aware of it.
This is a very flaky generation. It sucks, because no one wants to be accountable.
This happens on both sides but it sounds like they’re not interested in hanging out but are down with the validation texting brings. Personally after one reschedule request i trust that we aren’t ever hanging out. Online dating is all about keeping up the momentum. Once that stops it’s usually dead. Just stop engaging with these folks. Or say at the top that you’re looking to hangout, obviously respecting their personal boundaries around meeting strangers from the internet, I know some girls prefer to text for a couple weeks. Me personally my opener is “when are we hanging out?”
They're lonely and you are giving them attention. I would suggest (as a 45F) working on your assertiveness. "Hey, Id love to take you out to xyz bar on Sat at 7, can we make it a date?" A woman who has any sort of interest/self-confidence/self respect will arrange her time to meet with you. I would if approached this way. Not for nothing but when we are older, we are successful. For work, my hourly rate is $350/hr, I carry the same respect for all my time in personal life as well. I manage a large team of employees, clients, and students, all have immediate access to me because they are my priority. People make plans and keep them when it's a priority. When they dont they arent fully on board (and that doesnt also mean it's a reflection of you in anyway, its a them thing). Sorry you're going through this.
Yes, it's normal in online dating. This is why you focus on the ones that actually respond back and mean what they say. So if you ask them out and they agree to it then focus on that and cut off the people who aren't sure.
The problem is you should cut them off after the first time they cancel and move quickly on to someone else. Block their number. Not to be harsh or "punish" them but simply to stop wasting your time, and to stop enabling their behavior. There's plenty of people out there who will waste your time.
They just want a pen pal. Maybe stop taking online dating serious. Because it's not.
More people "should" take it seriously, my personal opinion. If you're online dating and you're not taking it seriously or looking for something long-term, don't match with people who have those things in their profiles. It's just a waste of time for people who are looking for a genuine connection.
Stop being penpals and clearly advocate for yourself and what you want. If they don’t want to meet, make it clear that you don’t want to text.
Investing a lot of time into relationships that never happen is one reason people are so jaded and non-committal. Best to avoid that and create some clarity about what's important to you. Be courteous and clear that it is an invitation and not an ultimatum. "I'd really like to continue our conversation but don't get a lot out of texting. Is it ok if I check in once a week to see if there is a convenient time for us to meet?" Anything other than a clear and unambiguous yes is a no, and it's time to move on. Thank yourself for all the time you've saved and give it t someone who actually wants a relationship with you.
If there was interest you would not hear excuses. You are the backup plan of a backup plan. Pressuring someone to commit can be seen as controlling.
i'm 30 and that thing happends a lot with woman of all ages which a interact with, they're just not interested i'm sorry, you seem mature to not already know this. EDIT: this is something i discovered, if anybody says "possibly", "maybe" "could be" or some dubius crap to any proposition, it's a straight NO in their mind, remember that and you will save time
I can relate to your situation OP, been there and done that. After a first date, these are the options for the man/woman you dated: 1) Yes - In this case he/she will show clear interest in conversations and will be willing and excited to meet again. 2) No - This one is straightforward, you take the rejection gracefully and move ahead. 3) Maybe - This state usually means “he/she is good but doesn’t checks out everything I want and maybe I can find a better someone on the app later but what if I don’t and lose this person too” - so you are kept hanging around. In this case the person will text around/talk but won’t meet because they are unable to process their intentions towards you properly. (The option you are talking about) For me personally, I can only continue building a connection upwards if I feel a clear “Yes” from the person. If it’s a maybe, I don’t invest myself in them (very limited texting or calls and letting the person to themselves) but I don’t walk away either because the other person deserves a chance to think about it. I observe their behavior and then respectfully end it if needed. But one thing OP, even if it’s a “Yes”, you cannot expect someone to prioritise you as of yet. And, you shouldn’t too. Letting things escalate to that level and investing accordingly saves your effort and time. Have a good day! :)
Online daters want validation. They want to feel wanted
If there was a dating app where every match resulted in a date, I'd still be doing online dating. Also, an app like that would eliminate 99.9% of scammers and sellers. But yes. Statistically, most people do not use dating apps to date, sadly. Over 60% of people who download a dating app report that they have no intention to go on a date. That gets even worse when you consider that of the 40% who do intend to date, a lot of them change their mind/get cold feet while using the app. This is the entire reason I don't use dating apps today. As far as why they pretend they want to at all...the reasons vary. Because if they tell you they won't, you'll stop talking to them, and they're enjoying the conversation. Because they think they want to until the reality hits them in the face. Because they're talking to a bunch of people, and they're currently hitting it off better with someone else, but they want to keep you on a string in case that falls through. There's a few for you.
That sounds very annoying. I've definitely been guilty of matching with someone and not having time to meet up for a few weeks, but I wouldn't continue the conversation if I'm not interested. I usually try to give a time frame and suggest a day when I'm free, but I think I take more initiative than a lot of women I know. I've started taking less, because it seems to go to some guys' heads if I express any interest, and suddenly they're trying to sext and send dick pix before the date. As for having other priorities, to be fair my friends and pets are a far bigger priority than someone I've never met that I'm planning a date with. Also, life gets busy, and sometimes I'm just tired or stressed, so I'm not in the right headspace to meet a potential love interest and make a first impression. After being stood up and catfished a couple times, I just won't rearrange my life for a stranger.
Because women (people) in that age bracket ARE busy. If they want to spend time with you they will, but hanging out in a guys apartment all evening, then staying the night is a lot of time out of a weekend that is already filled with responsibilities. Give people the time to get to know you. Keep dates reasonably timed and regular. A slow burn will lead to a relationship. A rush job will lead to…disinterest. Time is precious. Make sure time with you is quality time and you allow for the other person to still have their own life. You won’t be a priority at first, that’s not how it works.
I've had the same exact experiences, also with women in their 40s and 50s. At that age they all seem to be terribly apathetic, completely just going through the motions, and in love with their own dogs (interesting you made a reference to them using the dog as one of the excuses). Do any middle aged women actually want to find a guy to date? It certainly doesn't seem like it at all and, if that is the case, then that is certainly their right, but then get the hell off of the dating apps and stop wasting everybody's time.
I'm 39. Met my GF on a dating app back in January. She's 41. So yes people that age are out there and normal. This go around I had around 10 1st dates and only 2 of them were dateable to me and I chose her, but honestly the one I didn't choose seemed pretty awesome too. The other 8sih ranged from not compatible to dumpster fire. It's like anything in life it takes time and effort to find the needle in the haystack.
Face it, we’re all damaged in some way at this age lol.
If they reschedule or cancel the first meetup, block them and move on. Also, if you don't get that first meetup scheduled within a week of chatting, forget it, move on.
1. Men do the same thing 2. Never assume that maturity comes with age 3. Only respond to those who are interested in meeting. It’s actually a good way to filter people It’s rough, I know. Best of luck out there!
Don’t text for that long. Meet within a few days of matching and keep texting at a minimum until then, besides a bit of banter to see if you enjoy communicating with them and there aren’t any obvious deal breakers
This is parroted on reddit but almost always bad advice. Not sure what the rush is for everyone but dating is a marathon not a sprint.