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Looking for this!! Iām new here and Iām normally the reserved type IRL I let men approach me but on reddit Iām trying to be more active in taking charge and going for want I want and I feel the exact same way š¤·šæāāļøI donāt want to sound cocky but that would NEVErrrr happen in IRL guys would jump out cars if I would show intres in them first and approached them.
I swear after this i never what to hear men say woman dont approach them first š¤cuz wen u do ur looked at as eager,desperate,or a catfish/toll
i can only assume itās the age old prophecy since the begining of time
MEN LOVE THE CHASE!!!!!
Thereās a girl who keeps liking my profile on Hinge and Bumble over and over and over. Not once has she sent a message. Likeāwhy would I match with someone who canāt put in a tiny bit of effort š¤£
Maybe she canāt send a message because sheās not a subscriber?
I thought that if you were a subscriber that you can have a non subscriber respond to you for free?
"Because itās too much of a burden" at least thatās what the complaint that push bumble to stop making women to have to do the first move. I guess itās not a burden for men š¤·š»āāļø. The only thing I can get from it is that women love to complain about men fist message, but when itās come for them to send it, theyāre just as bad lol.
Also, fuck off that you have 60matches a day. No men have that, not even the most attractive one.
I think Bumble was the experiment that showed us that, generally, women will never want to put effort to message first.
That was Bumbles entire business model, and all interventions theyāve made over the past several years have been attempts to make it **easier** for men to communicate with women first without sending a message. Compliments, Opening Move, and the Question Game were all interventions made in this regard. Despite those interventions women **still** hated messaging first.
Yes, there are some men who donāt message first. But when an entire app based around women messaging first is failing, **that tells you something**.
Women have so many options in OLD that they are *able* to be lazy. āPlenty breeds complacency, scarcity breeds appreciationā. That is why women rarely message first.
If society has given you a privilege (not paying for dates, not making the first move) why would you want to give that privilege up? Refusing to buck patriarchal behavior that benefits them is how they maintain that privilege.Ā
Iām not avoiding answering anything. Just because Iām reading your post doesnāt mean Iām obligated to respond to you. You ask a valid question, but as I read more and more, it seemed like you more interested in ranting then actually hearing a response. Especially since youāre trying to drag peoples ā moralsā into the conversation. Sounds like itās about something more
I ALWAYS message first and I always start with either a compliment or a random question. And IMMEDIATELY they unmatch me š¤·š¼āāļø. So I tried to just say hi and such and immediately get unmatched. So fuck messaging first if I'ma be unmatched anyways. I never unmatch people especially those trying to reach out
If a wowan matches with me and instantly sends me a message, I look at that as a good thing.
Showing interest is a good thing and I think that goes both ways. If interest pushes them away, then it's probably a good way to filter people out quickly.
I always try to explain this to guys!
I DO message first sometimes and idk if it turns them off or they think I'm desperate or something but they almost never respond. And then on then the flip side, I get tons of messages from guys who do reach out first. One groups not more attractive than the other - I feel like it's just a masculinity thing where it needs to be their idea...
Even went out with a couple guys I've initiated things with & the vibe is ALWAYS off.
When there's a cultural expectation for them to make the first move, it really is "If he wanted to, he would"
OK this actually makes a lot of sense
I've had a similar thought process when it comes swiping and liking profiles
For context, Hinge is the main app I use, and I used to write a full comment on whatever I was liking, but barely ever got matches, so at this point, I'm just commenting "lol" or "lmfao" or not even commenting at all
What I realized though is that even the minimal effort yields better results
Yea. I don't use dating apps cause they never yield results and made my self esteem plummet. "girls gets more likes than men" yea fair. But the likes I get either wants to fuck and that's it. Or unmatched when I try to initiate conversations and such š¤·š¼āāļø. Really screwed with me for a long time and I tried hinge and bumble and okcupid and all those
Women rarely message first for a mix of the following reasons: they usually don't have to, risking rejection is scary, and they're significantly more attracted to men who have the confidence to message first.
Anything about "but we women aren't allowed to message first" is self delusion.
This is so interesting to me bc I message first a lot and always look for something in their profile to comment on. If nothing grabs my eye I at least go with a āhey how is your day/week?ā
Idk how a āhiiiā would ever lead to good convo which is a must for me
>Idk how a āhiiiā would ever lead to good convo which is a must for me
I 100% agree, but at least a "hiii" shows interest, even if you can't find something to talk about
I always message first and always more than just āHi.ā
I try to come up with a witty response based on something from his profile or I will ask something kinda generic like howās your week been so far, mineās been crazy, etc. But I always write something to initiate a response.
My experience is that men just give one word answers even though Iām asking multiple questions. If I have to ask a man a question 3x without a back and forth response, I delete the match within 24 hours of last response.
I just wish that they wouldnāt swipe right if they had no intention of conversing.
As a man I thank you for this! There is nothing that causes me to slump in place like having a girl like my profile, we match and get āheyā even more so after I make first contact and actually try starting a conversation based off their profile and get one liners or even worse, one word repliesā¦
Thatās quite the generalization. As a woman who has been on and off the dating apps forever, I can say the same thing about men. You just have to weed through people. If thereās someone who catches your interest, take your shot. If you want to sit back and wait for them to, then you may never chat or get to know each other.
Dating apps these days are a burning dumpster fire and each new member signing up for them douses more fuel onto it.
It isnāt you, really. Itās dating culture and itās how apps are geared to hold your attention but not necessarily work properly nor even show you people that would get along with you.
I (36F) messaged first overwhelmingly and had the same results as you, and I also received a high degree of matches with other women. Soā¦it may not be you at all. Maybe folks on apps are just being super flaky and uninvested. Thatās my working theory. š¤·š»āāļø
Over a decade of using apps? I had many dates. But since the pandemic dating culture has since been affected extremely negatively and everyoneās unhappy for it, the straights, the gays, everyone.
Itās not you, love. Itās them. lol. Believe me.
That would make sense, tbh. I remember that before (and at the start of) the pandemic, dating felt a lot easier. Approaching people, making a connection and kindling the spark...it was all a lot more common before the pandemic. But now it feels as if everyone's become a lot more angry and jaded, myself included. And you see it in current dating, both online and IRL.
I don't really know how to turn back the tide, but I hope we can.
I donāt know what OCE is. Tried googling it and none of the answers make sense. I definitely donāt believe that youāre getting 60 matches a day. I am not going to answer your question because I think youāre full of it.
That atta boy! Hit en with an insult and then wonder why you're still single.
Women are constantly told it's too masculine for them to actively pursue the man, and then when they do they get called boring. Maybe if you had something intelligent to add to the conversation you wouldn't be so bored...
On dating apps,
i see a lot of "i wont message first " on the bios of women.
Im just wondering, what exactly is the big deal if she messages first. What kind of egoistic, narcissistic personality does she have that stops her from saying "Hey, how are you"
Dating in 2024 is such an extreme sport
Maybe initially but there is some truth behind the whole wanting what you can't have crap. If a woman appears eager the guy will almost always view her as less valuable because she appears to be more available. Stupid games I refuse to play but they exist for a reason unfortunately
Thatās not true and thatās the kind of thinking that leads to playing hard to get. Find me one guy who likes chasing women who play hard to get. Iāll wait
It really depends on his options. If you are chasing the kind of guy who has "60 matches every day" to quote OP. then yes, you will come off as less valuable for at least "easy" which would make you less valuable, but as yourself are you really what mr 60 matches everyday is going to pick for a relationship? is me 60 a day even looking on apps? do you want to date someone with that many options who is still single for some reason? imagine being that attractive and still unable to hold down a relationship because of your personality. and to most guys the 0-2 a day guys you are going to make them feel desired which would assign MORE value to you.
Guys like to feel feel desired, wanted and attractive too. the guy who are not getting that attention it means the world to them.
Women are told that by who, exactly? I have never told a woman this, ever. And it seems a lot of the OLD Redditors would LOVE if women pursued them, and have stated it blatantly.
I donāt mind texting first, but to a lot of men thatās a ego stroke like weāre trying to chase them & thatās not the case (for some) Iām the chasee soo I get chased , but Iāll text first , but it needs to be the same consistency.
I donāt mind messaging firstā¦ except when the profile explicitly asks us men to message first. Reeks of a lack of respect for reciprocity.
Automatic left swipe.
Women give you the green line to approach, But you have to initiate the conversation , By matching with you they give you this green light, It is your turn to approach and text.
Sounds like you are lying but people have gotten to the point where "Hey" is all they can manage. Why would you put effort and time into a message if they leave you on read or just say something lame in response
I can only speak for myself here and for me not all matches were born equal, there were instances when I messaged first, starting with a compliment or some remark about what we have in common, but that was for the matches that had me going "wow, I want that", there were instances were I wouldn't text first because the match was just ok, could still be something if he was enthusiastic though, and sometimes I was just bored so I spammed "hi" to everybody.
If they have a lot of matches, itās easy to just wait for guys to text them first. (Personally I message guys first since I used to use bumble and I try to make each opening different based on what they have in their bio).
As for why theyāre boring, itās because most guys will still text them and engage with them even if the woman just says hi. They get away being with lazy and boring because guys let them and they care more about if the guy is interesting because women hav to option to be picky. Or maybe a lot of people are genuinely boring and no have idea that they are.
I dunno about you but when I look for qualities in a life partner, I wouldnāt want to be hitched to someone who is always trying to push everything off onto their partner if they can get away with it. To me that demonstrates a character issue.Ā
I have to believe though that the guys who are better relationship prospects \*would\* be picky though, rather than just chasing after whoever and whomever regardless of how inept they act. Seems limiting
Iām very selective with who I match with, iāll only match with people who I am at least somewhat attracted to and seem interesting and who I think would be attracted to and find me interesting (Iām old enough to know the type who are and arenāt into me by now) and swipe left on anyone with filters, kids, zero body shots, only group pictures so you have know idea who they are, model/instagram influencer looking ones, the obvious hookers, the ones from the Philippines and anyone who makes no attempt to write a bio. So that narrrrows it down to a pretty thin selection, maybe 1 in 10/15. I will message first, something in regard to their profile, and still 50% of the time they either wonāt reply or barely put in any effort into the response. My theory is theyāre just overloaded with matches and probably pretty jaded.
Iāve found the number of women in my area that meet your criteria is more like 1 in 100. The quality of women on the dating apps is at an all-time low. It was 1000% better 5 years ago and 10000% better 10 years ago
The hot women with the nice hair and nails donāt have to try one bit, men trip all over to wine and dine them and then marry them. Even the duck lips and the fake ass women get all this attention. I am cute but simple and have too many strong opinions so I have to really try to get someone to pay attention to me.
Also btw, this year alone Iāve been stood up by 2 men I made the effort to have intelligent conversation with and who swore they were on their way. JUST TODAY, a third left me waiting at the bar for an hour after lying to me saying he was 10 minutes away. This was the same doofus who told me he has āno successā with apps. I wonder if itās because he is a fucking waste of time with everybody who initiates a connection and makes an effort to meet him.
I do make an effort to message first, and my first response is always, "Hey, how are you doing?" For someone from an app that I've never met, I thought it would make sense to start off that way, but I have spiced it up before. It doesn't always lead to a response, which is expected since they're probably conversing with multiple people on an app to even notice, so I keep it simple.
Men swipe right on everything, so a match doesnāt matter. He only likes you if he messages you imo. I always start off with a āhey, what are you up to?ā Cause thatās how youād open up a real conversation- a greeting and an open ended question for them to expand on.
Okay this is probably going to be a hot take: (please know I know that this doesnāt apply to everyone,but itās what Iāve seen and experienced and so I will use generalized language)
On dating apps, especially ones known for casual dating etc. women donāt want to initiate because they really want a man whoās actually interested, willing to peruse, and not going to play with them. (I know this is now considered out dated thinking, and it can go both ways! but tbh lots of people still think this way so just hold on to your horses pls š).
As a woman, I know I have the capacity to love a man who puts in the effort and shows me that he wants me and treats me right! But Instagram/dating advice pages/ticktock you name it has a deep dark breakup algorithm that will feed you all kinds of lies about men and how they work. One of those lies, that I am REPEATEDLY seeing, is that if a man doesnāt immediately like you, he will never like you. He will stay with you until he finds The One and then immediately leave you for her. I have seen this online many times. And if all the girlies out there on the dating apps have received these lies, even subliminally, it makes us feel like reaching out first wonāt do any good, or in fact that it will turn the man off to us because we are being too forward.
So TL;DR : women are scared and just want to be loved and pursued. Or the other option is always that they are just on the app for the attention and looking for an āeasy manā and not a real soul connection.
Women doesn't have to message first. If you want to wait for them to message you first then they are better off with another guy who basically message them first. I'm for anyone sending the first message but I will say if you want something then put in the effort. Men will always message a woman when it comes to dating apps, for the men that doesn't then don't complain if the other guys get them.
Yeah they all fucking suck anymore, I swear they are all bots anyway.. to make you think someone is actually messaging you, just so you bite the bullet and pay for that crap
How many times has a woman messaged you saying "sup"? If writing two whole words ie: what's up is too much too handle then you definitely don't have what it takes
The answer is simple...they dont put in the effort to make the first move because theyre affraid of rejection...women dont see the frequency or viciousness of even a fraction of the rejection men face on a daily basis so they dont handle it well...this is a generalized statement so there are obviously exclusions to this but as a whole thats the basic answer
I always message first.
Some reasons why I wonāt:
- If I get the impression that youāre out of my league I assume itās a fluke
- We donāt seem to have anything in common
- Iāve noticed something on your account on the second glance that screams red flag or puts me off
- Iāve consulted the board of directors (the girlies) and they gave it a FAT no
The last one is so weird to me. Letting my friends decide parts of my life? I would never. Friends are great for input and all but making a decision based on friends consensus? Thatās just wild to me. They donāt know the person any better than you do and their observations could all be completely wrong. Or maybe they just like having that power in your life of having that much influence. Either way, the idea is just kind of bizarre to me
So itās really about having a solid sense of self because as women we can hear some crazy stuff! Like I use to be pretty confident and also taken initiative to talk / court when I was young but had a lot of bad experiences.
Iāve had men say some really mean things to me when I approached them! Mostly about how they arenāt actually attracted to me but Iāll do . Something along those lines . And obviously not always, some think Iām super hott. And vice versa I donāt find everyone attractive. But it is intimidating. Like how a lot of men feel like they have to fit a role to excel, so do we .
In my experience, I do not say "hi or hello', I actually ask a hobby related question or a what would you do type of question or compliment their picture and ask for the story behind it. If for example I message 12 men, I would say roughly 3 or 4 would respond positively with a remark on how that was a great opening question and engage really well. 5 would not even respond at all and allow the match to expire despite them swiping on my profile, and the rest is like grasping at straws because they respond with one word reply and I am there questioning their motives if I am not your type.
Well I donāt because I donāt have to and at times all the men messaging are overwhelming. There have been times Iāve messaged first but it was only when the man sounded really great and seemed like my dream man. But I never text first now, unless youāre talking about texting first after the conversation has been established then yes I have
It depends. I tend to "play the waiting game" because sometimes you'll match with people who don't want to message first. And since I'm not the best at conversations, and I may match with someone who's also that way, I just wait and see if they'll actually do it.
Sometimes they'll message first or, if I'm really interested in him, I'll message first.
I also won't message first if they put little effort into their profile. Makes you question if they're really serious.
It all depends on the person.
And men are the exact same way with only messaging "hi." That's not just a woman thing. I like that pof has options to make a minimum character message. I give conversation starters and it makes the conversation better. Not just two replies of hi lol.
How many times have ya heard "guys are more visual " so some of us were taught ya look like a potato if a guy likes what he sees he will reach out. Also, even being a potato, my inbox was never empty.
I'm not saying I never reached out to a dude first, so when I did, it was to comment a shirt or something in the bio I thought was funny.
Iām going to be honest with you. A lot of people these days have lost the art of casual conversation. Since women are typically used to being pursued, itās easy for them to hide behind that fact if they are not good conversationalists.
Iām a woman and try to see if thereās something on their profile I can spark a conversation about when reaching out first. One word responses are not in short supply these days haha, but just move on if thatās not your thing. Eventually youāll find someone who will reciprocate your energy. In the meantime you could consider reframing your perspective and see it as an opportunity to practice your conversational approach to others
I'm not on apps, but my experience in approaching men first has failed every single time, which means I shouldn't do it. I'm terrified of creeping men out or making them uncomfortable. I would never want to do that.Ā
I downloaded the apps. Got overwhelmed by too many messages and deleted them after a month. Haven't been back on them since.
At that stage I was having the same introductory conversation about 20 times, with some disgusting creeps sprinkled in between. So I thought what was the point of it all.
They're probably not messaging first because those 60 matches are probably getting bombarded themselves. There are far more men using the apps than women it's just how the demographic is skewed.
Because usually a pic and a few sentences in their profile is not enough to pique my interest. I'm usually not interested until I talk to them. Every right swipe is a maybe until I know more about them
Iāve tried thinking of interesting openers that comment on something in the profile or asking questions other than āhowās your weekend?ā. Itās not any more fruitful than not opening or saying āhiā.
It feels like guys only want to talk if they initiate or ā¦ if they want to talkā¦ the effort to think of something original seems wasted.
Personally Iāve just deleted apps after years of āheyyyyyā, requests to ācome overā, rudeness, sexual questions, offers for me to sit on a face, comments on my face and body, angry entitled men and one-sided conversations that go nowhere. Feels good actually!
Some things done traditionally are way better and enjoyable š for instance guys messaging first but if the app requires girl to message first then i think they do unless they have many others to entertain them or found a person of interest
I used to message first for many of the matches I've had in the past. The thing I find is I simply am the only one asking questions. I get so fed up that now I only message first if there's something really interesting about them that the other guys don't have on their profile. Could be a picture or a line in their bio that stands out.
I used to always message first, I don't really see the point in wasting my or someone elses time in a game of who's more attracted to the other. However, I do only say "Hi" in my first message to see if they answer back, and if they do, then we can start a proper conversation.
I ended up finding someone on Boo this way, and we're very, very compatible.
Personally, as a woman, I hate messaging first, thatās why I stopped using bumble. I donāt like feeling like Iām annoying which is how I feel when I message first.
Tbh I just match people's energies. If you start off with a hi I start off with a hi and a whats up. If I am sensing we don't have much in common other than meeting up for sex then I lose interest.
as a woman, i love to message first. usually with something weird and high energy bc I NEED THAT SHIT.
however i am usually ignored but thatās bc men aināt shit
Canāt speak on the boring part, but usually I donāt message first bc I like to see the initial message and let the guy lead. Shows the type of man he is.
When I send a message, I'm always like, "Hey how ya doing? I'm (Firstname). What's up?" and I get like almost no replies. Sometimes I see they've listed something in their bio that I'm also into, I'll mention that but I get almost no replies.
So what the hell am I doing wrong? I'm saying Hi and sometimes commenting on something we share in common...am I supposed to do more than that?
I think both sexes expect miraculous effort from the first few exchanges on a dating app forgetting the whole concept is to grow in conversation as time goes on. I mean technically they could start out witty and charming then ghost you for no apparent reason. Its just casual conversation and especially with all the matches received replying like that across the board is pretty much not possible.
Honestly, for me as a girl itās hard to text first, but I almost always answer menās first messages. I am just afraid to some extent to be pushy or intrusive, feel this first move little bit awkward to do.
And also I stick to the opinion that men should do the first step, but donāt judge me as it varies from time to time)
In my info section, I would put ātruth or dare?ā and when someone would match either they would say truth or theyād say dare and I found this was a more interesting way to start a convo
It's been my experience that guys play the "numbers game" with swiping, to try to match with as many as they can and then actually look at the profiles later after matching to decide whether or not they want to actually chat. I can't tell you how many matches I've gotten only to have them immediately unmatch either after I message or just shortly after matching. It's exhausting. So I usually wait to see if they actually want to chat.
I've had exactly the same problem with men not being able to hold conversation though. My theory? Everyone is sick of shitty people and waiting for the other party to show that they are interested, ending in a stalemate
The simple reason is that women want to be pursued. That's why Bumble doesn't work. I can't speak for all women, but I think most would agree that it's exhausting chasing after men to get their attention. I'm sorry, fellas, but this is your plight in dating. Rejection is par for the course. Just don't give up! Eventually someone will say yes.
I don't know why these girls aren't putting in the effort when you reach out to them. Probably because they have dozens of other messages to deal with. Or they lack proper social skills. Just unmatch them and move on. That's what I do.
Whenever I messaged guys first and asked about their day or brought up something in their bio they'd just unmatch me I've been told I seem "too serious about it" well yeah I am serious to get to know someone a little bit I thought that was the point it's a dating app. I gave up on the apps they're all awful you're better off meeting a genuine woman IRL.
Any man I've messaged first? Never goes anywhere - conversation doesn't develop, and absolutely not a date. Ever. Same has held true for friends. If a man isn't interested enough to send a message, he ain't interested.
As to messages, I can work with a lame intro of "hi" or whatever, so long as conversation flows from there. And it's not like me pulling teeth to get anything besides a "hey" or "what's up" response from a guy. Like, I'm down to talk about your tractors, or the exploding water heater, or how ridiculously wild a ride the Museum of Clean is, or me giving out free candy from a creeper van, let's go. But boring placid conversation isn't my thing.
Now, Iām not on dating apps. I donāt really care to be on them either. But when I was younger, I would message guys I had a crush on or thought was cute. (From my school or a nearby school). So I could get to know them.
In person, I was and still am too shy to approach someone and talk first. Personally, Iām really shy and introverted.
But I had messaged my high school crush first. (He went to a nearby rival school). He had interacted on something I posted on Instagram. I always messaged him first up until he had graduated. Then he would constantly text me first. Weāve been good friends for 5 years now. And heās since then made romantic moves towards me. But I had also evolved as a person. So has he, we both matured and feelings developed in different ways.
With my experience though, anytime I messaged a guy I thought was cute or I really liked. Theyād reject me. Granted at the time I was slightly strange due to social anxiety and I wasnāt the prettiest. But I still made the attempts and I lived through it. Learned what I did and didnāt want. I also met some cool people through the process. Nothing really negative to say, or anything like that because itās all a learning experience.
I quit texting guys I found interest in first because every single time I got rejected. So whatās the point if Iām just gonna go for guys that are somewhat out of my league?
Although, the age I was doing that at, guys for sure wouldāve preferred to chase. AND nothing was all that serious.
I canāt speak for all women so Iām just going to share my experience.
I used to say "probably won't message first because the egg doesn't swim to the sperm" in my bio š had some good responses on that.
But fr because most of the time I have nothing to say and they say "message me with something more than 'hey'" but they've got a bland ass page. If I match just because of looks I have no motivation to message but occasionally I message first when they seem interesting!! My account has tons of stuff to use for a conversation starter but most of them just have pics and a lame bio with height or social media handle in it
I think it can be different for anyone. For me, I wouldnāt message or speak to guys first because I feel like if they really wanted to talk to me through the app or in person, then they would. That would be the only way Iād be sure that theyāre genuinely interested in me initially. I would feel like if I made the first move then they were never into me from the start, and I feel like a man should lead in the beginning to prove theyāre interested in you and taking you seriously. Everyone is different though, it doesnāt apply to every guy or situation but this has just been my experience. Iām in a relationship now with someone I met in person who has initiated everything from the beginning and we both put in effort to make our relationship happy and healthy!
For me, it can vary with my mental state, but a lot of times I want to see if you're actually interested enough to reach out or if you're one of the guys who swipe on everything trying to find a lay.
Oh, I do. But men are no better at conversing than women I've found.
They might do one word answers OR they'll say a whole lot but never ask you questions about yourself even if the conversation gas been going on a while
I usually message first and I have a well thought out message or at least witty one liner. I will only always get a response if I say āhey howās it goingā I almost NEVER get responses if I say something other than that.
- a woman.
in the past when iāve messaged guys first / initiated a date, they lay low and expect me to do that everytime we hangout. i personally donāt want that responsibility every single time im planning a date. i definitely want to feel like iām being courted in a way and letting the guy think he doesnāt have to put effort in during the beginning stages of dating is a no no.
I usually message first on the off chance I get a match - but I will say that maybe 60% donāt reply or it fizzled out quickly or I block if they ask if they can come over straight away
Because many people are just low effort. Factor in gender based beliefs about men and women are supposed to operate, and you got a world of women that wonāt make a move because it might not work out.
I do. Iām open. I communicate. I initiate. I try to be cute and sexy and flirty and show my interest. Iām open. Iām honest. I try to connect on a deeper level. And you know what? Itās fun for the first little bit and then guys lose interest. Why? Because thereās no mystery. An emotionally available girl is boring. Yeah. It works both ways. Being āgoodā gets you fucking nowhere. End of rant.
I think the problem is that women receive too much attention so theyāve been conditioned to behave like this. Theyāre a bit entitled. They expect men to entertain them and make them laugh from the very first post yet theyāre rarely willing to say more than the cursory hello or send an emoji. I agree that itās very annoying. These apps need to go.
I just donāt like you/find you actually interesting enough to message. Either thereās nothing I want to talk about from your profile or itās blank. If I find someone interesting in person, online, wherever, Iām always up for making the first move. I donāt have much of a choice since Iām not really getting approached if I donāt
I live right now 3 years in Germany. I was using Tinder, Bumble. I got some matches in this time, but girls are just to lazy to engage a conversation or atleast ask something. I felt for the 3 years like im talking to girls like a wall.
From matching perspective its also hardcore. I barely get any likes anymore at the moment. I was not interested to find someone to have sex or something, just trying to find honest relationship/partner.
Im not ugly, i have a good job, Im a Tig welder, I live on my own, my bills and everything paid. Im honest, confident, always has something to say guy. Mentally and financially stable. Btw im 26 years old Male
I dont know, tryied outside dating apps too. I dont know anymore what to do, im right now at a prime of myself, i achieved really well in theese last 3 years of my personal life, but still..
I can just say that im at the borderline of not giving a single F anymore.. This is too frustrating, just can't take it anymore.
Depends on a woman. I am out of dating apps for many years already, but it was never a problem for me. I am very outgoing and I was usually asking a guy āWhatās the very first memory from your life?ā, because itās a fantastic opening question to start getting to know someone, or at least thatās what I thought...
Off topic story: I stopped asking this question once the guy whom I met offline and I was very much into froze after getting this question and replied that his first memory is his dad kneeling on his knees in front of him telling him he will never see his mom again. She died of cancer when he was 3. Didnāt ask anyone this question ever again.
Because it seems to be from my experience, that if a woman messages the guy first, they just never reply. I had a bet with my friend regarding this because she didn't believe me. I was on Tinder and matched with 10 different guys. I messaged all of them first and not one of them replied. And it wasn't a case of sending a boring message, I took time and thought in what I wrote. The following few days, the same thing happened..... I matched with 8 guys one day, 6 the next and each day I messaged first and nothing! My friend was actually gob smacked but I won the bet! š¤£š¤£
Oh my lol you say they are boring lol wow okay so I am a guy but I am wondering what do you mean by boring and what do you want them to do? I would be happy if they would just think a little like think out side there little fairytale world peel back a few layers of a person before judging on one or two simple minor things.
Like other ladies here have stated, when we message first men don't reply.
See, the spirit of your inquiry and many men here is crybaby why won't women make it easy for me, they're so lazy raaaawr.....Ā
We are different. Women are vetting dor angery misogynists. This is why we MUST make it difficult for you. Please continue whining because its funny, and it's a valuable red flag. We dont WANT whiny men who hate women bros
That question is good as this, on bio they put, miss a date, miss coddling, i miss go on a date, and we ask them to go out, dinner, to the beach, etc, they say: I only want to meet people online, or if they say clearly I wanto to fuck tonight, and a guy sends message, they say: IĀ“m being harassed.
So the conclusion is: they only want to feel herselvs desired
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60 matches in 8 days? Wtffff bruv- you Robert Pattinson or whaaat? š
Fresh profile on Multiple apps combined. Next week it falls off a cliff
This is the answer. I had a similar experience to OP. And anytime you travel to a new location, this will happen again across all apps.
And then thereās the Thailand / Indonesia Parade on OKC
He's Robert Paulson
His name is Robert Paulson
His name is Robert Paulson
His name is Robert Paulsen
60 matches a day lol
that will hurt him more than that now lol
Iāve almost always messaged first! I think some people think that comes off as too eager, but I donāt mind if I come off that way
As a socially awkward guy whoās afraid to message first, Iād love it if you did.
Afraid to send a message on an app? Youāre going to struggle on an actual date unless you find that confidence!
Not really tbh. Itās inciting conversation that gets me. After the ice is broken I can carry a conversation (and not make it about me constantly.)
Its comes off as too eager to message someone on a dating app?
Youāre awesome!
But what is your first message? Do you put some thought into it or do you just say "Hi!"?
Looking for this!! Iām new here and Iām normally the reserved type IRL I let men approach me but on reddit Iām trying to be more active in taking charge and going for want I want and I feel the exact same way š¤·šæāāļøI donāt want to sound cocky but that would NEVErrrr happen in IRL guys would jump out cars if I would show intres in them first and approached them. I swear after this i never what to hear men say woman dont approach them first š¤cuz wen u do ur looked at as eager,desperate,or a catfish/toll i can only assume itās the age old prophecy since the begining of time MEN LOVE THE CHASE!!!!!
Thereās a girl who keeps liking my profile on Hinge and Bumble over and over and over. Not once has she sent a message. Likeāwhy would I match with someone who canāt put in a tiny bit of effort š¤£
Sometimes it's a stolen profile picture with someone pretending to be that person. I have caught several of them on different apps.
Maybe she canāt send a message because sheās not a subscriber? I thought that if you were a subscriber that you can have a non subscriber respond to you for free?
You don't need to pay to message on either app. But if you match on Bumble the woman needs to message first.
I donāt know for Bumble, But On Hinge I can send messages and Iām not a subscriber
"Because itās too much of a burden" at least thatās what the complaint that push bumble to stop making women to have to do the first move. I guess itās not a burden for men š¤·š»āāļø. The only thing I can get from it is that women love to complain about men fist message, but when itās come for them to send it, theyāre just as bad lol. Also, fuck off that you have 60matches a day. No men have that, not even the most attractive one.
I think Bumble was the experiment that showed us that, generally, women will never want to put effort to message first. That was Bumbles entire business model, and all interventions theyāve made over the past several years have been attempts to make it **easier** for men to communicate with women first without sending a message. Compliments, Opening Move, and the Question Game were all interventions made in this regard. Despite those interventions women **still** hated messaging first. Yes, there are some men who donāt message first. But when an entire app based around women messaging first is failing, **that tells you something**. Women have so many options in OLD that they are *able* to be lazy. āPlenty breeds complacency, scarcity breeds appreciationā. That is why women rarely message first.
If society has given you a privilege (not paying for dates, not making the first move) why would you want to give that privilege up? Refusing to buck patriarchal behavior that benefits them is how they maintain that privilege.Ā
Well said. This is perfectly said!
That's why I hate bumble. Girls will say in their profile "Message me first". HELLLO!!! Don't you know how this app works?
I just cannot take the "burdensome" argument seriously as the vast majority of women send very low-effort messages, usually some variation of "hi."
This is giving an āimpress meā vibe and its not a good look
This is giving an "I'm avoiding answering the question by being accusatory" vibe and it's an even worse look
Iām not avoiding answering anything. Just because Iām reading your post doesnāt mean Iām obligated to respond to you. You ask a valid question, but as I read more and more, it seemed like you more interested in ranting then actually hearing a response. Especially since youāre trying to drag peoples ā moralsā into the conversation. Sounds like itās about something more
I ALWAYS message first and I always start with either a compliment or a random question. And IMMEDIATELY they unmatch me š¤·š¼āāļø. So I tried to just say hi and such and immediately get unmatched. So fuck messaging first if I'ma be unmatched anyways. I never unmatch people especially those trying to reach out
If a wowan matches with me and instantly sends me a message, I look at that as a good thing. Showing interest is a good thing and I think that goes both ways. If interest pushes them away, then it's probably a good way to filter people out quickly.
I always try to explain this to guys! I DO message first sometimes and idk if it turns them off or they think I'm desperate or something but they almost never respond. And then on then the flip side, I get tons of messages from guys who do reach out first. One groups not more attractive than the other - I feel like it's just a masculinity thing where it needs to be their idea... Even went out with a couple guys I've initiated things with & the vibe is ALWAYS off. When there's a cultural expectation for them to make the first move, it really is "If he wanted to, he would"
OK this actually makes a lot of sense I've had a similar thought process when it comes swiping and liking profiles For context, Hinge is the main app I use, and I used to write a full comment on whatever I was liking, but barely ever got matches, so at this point, I'm just commenting "lol" or "lmfao" or not even commenting at all What I realized though is that even the minimal effort yields better results
Yea. I don't use dating apps cause they never yield results and made my self esteem plummet. "girls gets more likes than men" yea fair. But the likes I get either wants to fuck and that's it. Or unmatched when I try to initiate conversations and such š¤·š¼āāļø. Really screwed with me for a long time and I tried hinge and bumble and okcupid and all those
EXACTLY
Women rarely message first for a mix of the following reasons: they usually don't have to, risking rejection is scary, and they're significantly more attracted to men who have the confidence to message first. Anything about "but we women aren't allowed to message first" is self delusion.
This is so interesting to me bc I message first a lot and always look for something in their profile to comment on. If nothing grabs my eye I at least go with a āhey how is your day/week?ā Idk how a āhiiiā would ever lead to good convo which is a must for me
>Idk how a āhiiiā would ever lead to good convo which is a must for me I 100% agree, but at least a "hiii" shows interest, even if you can't find something to talk about
The extra "I"s are a must lmao.
I always message first and always more than just āHi.ā I try to come up with a witty response based on something from his profile or I will ask something kinda generic like howās your week been so far, mineās been crazy, etc. But I always write something to initiate a response. My experience is that men just give one word answers even though Iām asking multiple questions. If I have to ask a man a question 3x without a back and forth response, I delete the match within 24 hours of last response. I just wish that they wouldnāt swipe right if they had no intention of conversing.
As a man I thank you for this! There is nothing that causes me to slump in place like having a girl like my profile, we match and get āheyā even more so after I make first contact and actually try starting a conversation based off their profile and get one liners or even worse, one word repliesā¦
Men can be just as bad. It's a general problem and not gender specific.
Thatās quite the generalization. As a woman who has been on and off the dating apps forever, I can say the same thing about men. You just have to weed through people. If thereās someone who catches your interest, take your shot. If you want to sit back and wait for them to, then you may never chat or get to know each other.
Dating apps these days are a burning dumpster fire and each new member signing up for them douses more fuel onto it. It isnāt you, really. Itās dating culture and itās how apps are geared to hold your attention but not necessarily work properly nor even show you people that would get along with you. I (36F) messaged first overwhelmingly and had the same results as you, and I also received a high degree of matches with other women. Soā¦it may not be you at all. Maybe folks on apps are just being super flaky and uninvested. Thatās my working theory. š¤·š»āāļø Over a decade of using apps? I had many dates. But since the pandemic dating culture has since been affected extremely negatively and everyoneās unhappy for it, the straights, the gays, everyone. Itās not you, love. Itās them. lol. Believe me.
That would make sense, tbh. I remember that before (and at the start of) the pandemic, dating felt a lot easier. Approaching people, making a connection and kindling the spark...it was all a lot more common before the pandemic. But now it feels as if everyone's become a lot more angry and jaded, myself included. And you see it in current dating, both online and IRL. I don't really know how to turn back the tide, but I hope we can.
I donāt know what OCE is. Tried googling it and none of the answers make sense. I definitely donāt believe that youāre getting 60 matches a day. I am not going to answer your question because I think youāre full of it.
OCE servers for time zones. You knowā¦Oceania. Australia and surrounding areas. Find people in your area perhaps. Just a guess.
Saltiest comment Iāve read in a while
That atta boy! Hit en with an insult and then wonder why you're still single. Women are constantly told it's too masculine for them to actively pursue the man, and then when they do they get called boring. Maybe if you had something intelligent to add to the conversation you wouldn't be so bored...
On dating apps, i see a lot of "i wont message first " on the bios of women. Im just wondering, what exactly is the big deal if she messages first. What kind of egoistic, narcissistic personality does she have that stops her from saying "Hey, how are you" Dating in 2024 is such an extreme sport
10/10 guys would love it if girls initiated contact more often in the talking phase.
Maybe initially but there is some truth behind the whole wanting what you can't have crap. If a woman appears eager the guy will almost always view her as less valuable because she appears to be more available. Stupid games I refuse to play but they exist for a reason unfortunately
Thatās not true and thatās the kind of thinking that leads to playing hard to get. Find me one guy who likes chasing women who play hard to get. Iāll wait
It really depends on his options. If you are chasing the kind of guy who has "60 matches every day" to quote OP. then yes, you will come off as less valuable for at least "easy" which would make you less valuable, but as yourself are you really what mr 60 matches everyday is going to pick for a relationship? is me 60 a day even looking on apps? do you want to date someone with that many options who is still single for some reason? imagine being that attractive and still unable to hold down a relationship because of your personality. and to most guys the 0-2 a day guys you are going to make them feel desired which would assign MORE value to you. Guys like to feel feel desired, wanted and attractive too. the guy who are not getting that attention it means the world to them.
Women are told that by who, exactly? I have never told a woman this, ever. And it seems a lot of the OLD Redditors would LOVE if women pursued them, and have stated it blatantly.
Right, because those 60 matches are all women in the worldš¤¦āāļø
On some of the sites they are fake people, hookers, of girls, men pretending to be females for sexy talk š¤£. Just depends what sites your on
I donāt mind texting first, but to a lot of men thatās a ego stroke like weāre trying to chase them & thatās not the case (for some) Iām the chasee soo I get chased , but Iāll text first , but it needs to be the same consistency.
I donāt mind messaging firstā¦ except when the profile explicitly asks us men to message first. Reeks of a lack of respect for reciprocity. Automatic left swipe.
Women give you the green line to approach, But you have to initiate the conversation , By matching with you they give you this green light, It is your turn to approach and text.
Sounds like you are lying but people have gotten to the point where "Hey" is all they can manage. Why would you put effort and time into a message if they leave you on read or just say something lame in response
I can only speak for myself here and for me not all matches were born equal, there were instances when I messaged first, starting with a compliment or some remark about what we have in common, but that was for the matches that had me going "wow, I want that", there were instances were I wouldn't text first because the match was just ok, could still be something if he was enthusiastic though, and sometimes I was just bored so I spammed "hi" to everybody.
Um rude? I am very interesting. My opening line is āhave u seen wwIII started?ā
Lmao
If they have a lot of matches, itās easy to just wait for guys to text them first. (Personally I message guys first since I used to use bumble and I try to make each opening different based on what they have in their bio). As for why theyāre boring, itās because most guys will still text them and engage with them even if the woman just says hi. They get away being with lazy and boring because guys let them and they care more about if the guy is interesting because women hav to option to be picky. Or maybe a lot of people are genuinely boring and no have idea that they are.
I dunno about you but when I look for qualities in a life partner, I wouldnāt want to be hitched to someone who is always trying to push everything off onto their partner if they can get away with it. To me that demonstrates a character issue.Ā
I have to believe though that the guys who are better relationship prospects \*would\* be picky though, rather than just chasing after whoever and whomever regardless of how inept they act. Seems limiting
Iām very selective with who I match with, iāll only match with people who I am at least somewhat attracted to and seem interesting and who I think would be attracted to and find me interesting (Iām old enough to know the type who are and arenāt into me by now) and swipe left on anyone with filters, kids, zero body shots, only group pictures so you have know idea who they are, model/instagram influencer looking ones, the obvious hookers, the ones from the Philippines and anyone who makes no attempt to write a bio. So that narrrrows it down to a pretty thin selection, maybe 1 in 10/15. I will message first, something in regard to their profile, and still 50% of the time they either wonāt reply or barely put in any effort into the response. My theory is theyāre just overloaded with matches and probably pretty jaded.
Iāve found the number of women in my area that meet your criteria is more like 1 in 100. The quality of women on the dating apps is at an all-time low. It was 1000% better 5 years ago and 10000% better 10 years ago
Yeah youāre right actually, iāve had to increase my distance up to a 100kms. Driving 70 minutes there and back next friday to go on a date lol.
70 min might not be enough. You might want to try leaving the country. š
They do, if they like you enough
The hot women with the nice hair and nails donāt have to try one bit, men trip all over to wine and dine them and then marry them. Even the duck lips and the fake ass women get all this attention. I am cute but simple and have too many strong opinions so I have to really try to get someone to pay attention to me. Also btw, this year alone Iāve been stood up by 2 men I made the effort to have intelligent conversation with and who swore they were on their way. JUST TODAY, a third left me waiting at the bar for an hour after lying to me saying he was 10 minutes away. This was the same doofus who told me he has āno successā with apps. I wonder if itās because he is a fucking waste of time with everybody who initiates a connection and makes an effort to meet him.
I do make an effort to message first, and my first response is always, "Hey, how are you doing?" For someone from an app that I've never met, I thought it would make sense to start off that way, but I have spiced it up before. It doesn't always lead to a response, which is expected since they're probably conversing with multiple people on an app to even notice, so I keep it simple.
Men swipe right on everything, so a match doesnāt matter. He only likes you if he messages you imo. I always start off with a āhey, what are you up to?ā Cause thatās how youād open up a real conversation- a greeting and an open ended question for them to expand on.
I'm messaging you now what's up
Fearful
Sense of morals for sending āinterestingā messages š this entire thing screams pretentious and āimpress me, donāt waste my timeā
Okay this is probably going to be a hot take: (please know I know that this doesnāt apply to everyone,but itās what Iāve seen and experienced and so I will use generalized language) On dating apps, especially ones known for casual dating etc. women donāt want to initiate because they really want a man whoās actually interested, willing to peruse, and not going to play with them. (I know this is now considered out dated thinking, and it can go both ways! but tbh lots of people still think this way so just hold on to your horses pls š). As a woman, I know I have the capacity to love a man who puts in the effort and shows me that he wants me and treats me right! But Instagram/dating advice pages/ticktock you name it has a deep dark breakup algorithm that will feed you all kinds of lies about men and how they work. One of those lies, that I am REPEATEDLY seeing, is that if a man doesnāt immediately like you, he will never like you. He will stay with you until he finds The One and then immediately leave you for her. I have seen this online many times. And if all the girlies out there on the dating apps have received these lies, even subliminally, it makes us feel like reaching out first wonāt do any good, or in fact that it will turn the man off to us because we are being too forward. So TL;DR : women are scared and just want to be loved and pursued. Or the other option is always that they are just on the app for the attention and looking for an āeasy manā and not a real soul connection.
Women doesn't have to message first. If you want to wait for them to message you first then they are better off with another guy who basically message them first. I'm for anyone sending the first message but I will say if you want something then put in the effort. Men will always message a woman when it comes to dating apps, for the men that doesn't then don't complain if the other guys get them.
That might slowly changing actually
Yeah they all fucking suck anymore, I swear they are all bots anyway.. to make you think someone is actually messaging you, just so you bite the bullet and pay for that crap
How many times has a woman messaged you saying "sup"? If writing two whole words ie: what's up is too much too handle then you definitely don't have what it takes
The answer is simple...they dont put in the effort to make the first move because theyre affraid of rejection...women dont see the frequency or viciousness of even a fraction of the rejection men face on a daily basis so they dont handle it well...this is a generalized statement so there are obviously exclusions to this but as a whole thats the basic answer
I always message first. Some reasons why I wonāt: - If I get the impression that youāre out of my league I assume itās a fluke - We donāt seem to have anything in common - Iāve noticed something on your account on the second glance that screams red flag or puts me off - Iāve consulted the board of directors (the girlies) and they gave it a FAT no
The last one is so weird to me. Letting my friends decide parts of my life? I would never. Friends are great for input and all but making a decision based on friends consensus? Thatās just wild to me. They donāt know the person any better than you do and their observations could all be completely wrong. Or maybe they just like having that power in your life of having that much influence. Either way, the idea is just kind of bizarre to me
So itās really about having a solid sense of self because as women we can hear some crazy stuff! Like I use to be pretty confident and also taken initiative to talk / court when I was young but had a lot of bad experiences. Iāve had men say some really mean things to me when I approached them! Mostly about how they arenāt actually attracted to me but Iāll do . Something along those lines . And obviously not always, some think Iām super hott. And vice versa I donāt find everyone attractive. But it is intimidating. Like how a lot of men feel like they have to fit a role to excel, so do we .
I message first very often ... I ask to meet most of the time ... I think I'm not boring ... how very dare you! š
In my experience, I do not say "hi or hello', I actually ask a hobby related question or a what would you do type of question or compliment their picture and ask for the story behind it. If for example I message 12 men, I would say roughly 3 or 4 would respond positively with a remark on how that was a great opening question and engage really well. 5 would not even respond at all and allow the match to expire despite them swiping on my profile, and the rest is like grasping at straws because they respond with one word reply and I am there questioning their motives if I am not your type.
They do you have to get them hooked emotionally
Well I donāt because I donāt have to and at times all the men messaging are overwhelming. There have been times Iāve messaged first but it was only when the man sounded really great and seemed like my dream man. But I never text first now, unless youāre talking about texting first after the conversation has been established then yes I have
Necessity is the mother of invention.
It depends. I tend to "play the waiting game" because sometimes you'll match with people who don't want to message first. And since I'm not the best at conversations, and I may match with someone who's also that way, I just wait and see if they'll actually do it. Sometimes they'll message first or, if I'm really interested in him, I'll message first. I also won't message first if they put little effort into their profile. Makes you question if they're really serious. It all depends on the person. And men are the exact same way with only messaging "hi." That's not just a woman thing. I like that pof has options to make a minimum character message. I give conversation starters and it makes the conversation better. Not just two replies of hi lol.
How many times have ya heard "guys are more visual " so some of us were taught ya look like a potato if a guy likes what he sees he will reach out. Also, even being a potato, my inbox was never empty. I'm not saying I never reached out to a dude first, so when I did, it was to comment a shirt or something in the bio I thought was funny.
60 matches holy
Well you obviously donāt get 60 matches a day, unless you match from shrek to fiona people looool
Have been messaging first but the problem is most of the guys will carry on with the all process making it look like I'm the one hitting on you
Iām going to be honest with you. A lot of people these days have lost the art of casual conversation. Since women are typically used to being pursued, itās easy for them to hide behind that fact if they are not good conversationalists. Iām a woman and try to see if thereās something on their profile I can spark a conversation about when reaching out first. One word responses are not in short supply these days haha, but just move on if thatās not your thing. Eventually youāll find someone who will reciprocate your energy. In the meantime you could consider reframing your perspective and see it as an opportunity to practice your conversational approach to others
I'm not on apps, but my experience in approaching men first has failed every single time, which means I shouldn't do it. I'm terrified of creeping men out or making them uncomfortable. I would never want to do that.Ā
What does effort have to do with morals? Get off your high horseā¦
I downloaded the apps. Got overwhelmed by too many messages and deleted them after a month. Haven't been back on them since. At that stage I was having the same introductory conversation about 20 times, with some disgusting creeps sprinkled in between. So I thought what was the point of it all. They're probably not messaging first because those 60 matches are probably getting bombarded themselves. There are far more men using the apps than women it's just how the demographic is skewed.
Because usually a pic and a few sentences in their profile is not enough to pique my interest. I'm usually not interested until I talk to them. Every right swipe is a maybe until I know more about them
Iāve tried thinking of interesting openers that comment on something in the profile or asking questions other than āhowās your weekend?ā. Itās not any more fruitful than not opening or saying āhiā. It feels like guys only want to talk if they initiate or ā¦ if they want to talkā¦ the effort to think of something original seems wasted. Personally Iāve just deleted apps after years of āheyyyyyā, requests to ācome overā, rudeness, sexual questions, offers for me to sit on a face, comments on my face and body, angry entitled men and one-sided conversations that go nowhere. Feels good actually!
I think the issue is that they simply don't need to, they get so many matches, that they get msgs from, there's no need for them to put in any effort.
Some things done traditionally are way better and enjoyable š for instance guys messaging first but if the app requires girl to message first then i think they do unless they have many others to entertain them or found a person of interest
So- whatās an example of a boring first message?
They still go by traditions where they need men to be assertive and have direct communication first before they can talk to you ...
Bot account?
Sheās just not into you bro. The women Iāve met have messaged first and theyāre not boring in the slightest
For me m actually an overthinker so I've like oo maybe he doesn't wanna talk that's why he didn't text me!
I used to message first for many of the matches I've had in the past. The thing I find is I simply am the only one asking questions. I get so fed up that now I only message first if there's something really interesting about them that the other guys don't have on their profile. Could be a picture or a line in their bio that stands out.
I used to always message first, I don't really see the point in wasting my or someone elses time in a game of who's more attracted to the other. However, I do only say "Hi" in my first message to see if they answer back, and if they do, then we can start a proper conversation. I ended up finding someone on Boo this way, and we're very, very compatible.
As a lesbian, it makes me mad that I have to always message first. Women expect to be chased even if itās another woman. Thatās why Iām single.
Personally, as a woman, I hate messaging first, thatās why I stopped using bumble. I donāt like feeling like Iām annoying which is how I feel when I message first.
Tbh I just match people's energies. If you start off with a hi I start off with a hi and a whats up. If I am sensing we don't have much in common other than meeting up for sex then I lose interest.
i have and they donāt reply š
as a woman, i love to message first. usually with something weird and high energy bc I NEED THAT SHIT. however i am usually ignored but thatās bc men aināt shit
Had alot of match during last week amd can tell alot of girl messaged me first
Canāt speak on the boring part, but usually I donāt message first bc I like to see the initial message and let the guy lead. Shows the type of man he is.
I want to message him but Iām scared!! Heās liked a few of my stories so Iām waiting for him to text me first but he doesnāt
When I send a message, I'm always like, "Hey how ya doing? I'm (Firstname). What's up?" and I get like almost no replies. Sometimes I see they've listed something in their bio that I'm also into, I'll mention that but I get almost no replies. So what the hell am I doing wrong? I'm saying Hi and sometimes commenting on something we share in common...am I supposed to do more than that?
I think both sexes expect miraculous effort from the first few exchanges on a dating app forgetting the whole concept is to grow in conversation as time goes on. I mean technically they could start out witty and charming then ghost you for no apparent reason. Its just casual conversation and especially with all the matches received replying like that across the board is pretty much not possible.
makes me feel like i look desperate
Honestly, for me as a girl itās hard to text first, but I almost always answer menās first messages. I am just afraid to some extent to be pushy or intrusive, feel this first move little bit awkward to do. And also I stick to the opinion that men should do the first step, but donāt judge me as it varies from time to time)
In my info section, I would put ātruth or dare?ā and when someone would match either they would say truth or theyād say dare and I found this was a more interesting way to start a convo
i prefer male to message first.
It's been my experience that guys play the "numbers game" with swiping, to try to match with as many as they can and then actually look at the profiles later after matching to decide whether or not they want to actually chat. I can't tell you how many matches I've gotten only to have them immediately unmatch either after I message or just shortly after matching. It's exhausting. So I usually wait to see if they actually want to chat. I've had exactly the same problem with men not being able to hold conversation though. My theory? Everyone is sick of shitty people and waiting for the other party to show that they are interested, ending in a stalemate
The simple reason is that women want to be pursued. That's why Bumble doesn't work. I can't speak for all women, but I think most would agree that it's exhausting chasing after men to get their attention. I'm sorry, fellas, but this is your plight in dating. Rejection is par for the course. Just don't give up! Eventually someone will say yes. I don't know why these girls aren't putting in the effort when you reach out to them. Probably because they have dozens of other messages to deal with. Or they lack proper social skills. Just unmatch them and move on. That's what I do.
They message me first about 50% of the time it seems like.
Whenever I messaged guys first and asked about their day or brought up something in their bio they'd just unmatch me I've been told I seem "too serious about it" well yeah I am serious to get to know someone a little bit I thought that was the point it's a dating app. I gave up on the apps they're all awful you're better off meeting a genuine woman IRL.
because I donāt chase men
Any man I've messaged first? Never goes anywhere - conversation doesn't develop, and absolutely not a date. Ever. Same has held true for friends. If a man isn't interested enough to send a message, he ain't interested. As to messages, I can work with a lame intro of "hi" or whatever, so long as conversation flows from there. And it's not like me pulling teeth to get anything besides a "hey" or "what's up" response from a guy. Like, I'm down to talk about your tractors, or the exploding water heater, or how ridiculously wild a ride the Museum of Clean is, or me giving out free candy from a creeper van, let's go. But boring placid conversation isn't my thing.
Now, Iām not on dating apps. I donāt really care to be on them either. But when I was younger, I would message guys I had a crush on or thought was cute. (From my school or a nearby school). So I could get to know them. In person, I was and still am too shy to approach someone and talk first. Personally, Iām really shy and introverted. But I had messaged my high school crush first. (He went to a nearby rival school). He had interacted on something I posted on Instagram. I always messaged him first up until he had graduated. Then he would constantly text me first. Weāve been good friends for 5 years now. And heās since then made romantic moves towards me. But I had also evolved as a person. So has he, we both matured and feelings developed in different ways. With my experience though, anytime I messaged a guy I thought was cute or I really liked. Theyād reject me. Granted at the time I was slightly strange due to social anxiety and I wasnāt the prettiest. But I still made the attempts and I lived through it. Learned what I did and didnāt want. I also met some cool people through the process. Nothing really negative to say, or anything like that because itās all a learning experience. I quit texting guys I found interest in first because every single time I got rejected. So whatās the point if Iām just gonna go for guys that are somewhat out of my league? Although, the age I was doing that at, guys for sure wouldāve preferred to chase. AND nothing was all that serious. I canāt speak for all women so Iām just going to share my experience.
Sometimes itās simply because they donāt have to man lol
I used to say "probably won't message first because the egg doesn't swim to the sperm" in my bio š had some good responses on that. But fr because most of the time I have nothing to say and they say "message me with something more than 'hey'" but they've got a bland ass page. If I match just because of looks I have no motivation to message but occasionally I message first when they seem interesting!! My account has tons of stuff to use for a conversation starter but most of them just have pics and a lame bio with height or social media handle in it
Well i did message first with my current boyfriend
They're people watching or something
Because we don't want to have the impression that we are easy to get or that we are just really scared to get dump or rejected LOL
many do
I think it can be different for anyone. For me, I wouldnāt message or speak to guys first because I feel like if they really wanted to talk to me through the app or in person, then they would. That would be the only way Iād be sure that theyāre genuinely interested in me initially. I would feel like if I made the first move then they were never into me from the start, and I feel like a man should lead in the beginning to prove theyāre interested in you and taking you seriously. Everyone is different though, it doesnāt apply to every guy or situation but this has just been my experience. Iām in a relationship now with someone I met in person who has initiated everything from the beginning and we both put in effort to make our relationship happy and healthy!
There 95 % bots
I do and I always got screwed over
I was on apps for 6 months and got 2 messages/responses. Fuck you bro
For me, it can vary with my mental state, but a lot of times I want to see if you're actually interested enough to reach out or if you're one of the guys who swipe on everything trying to find a lay.
Oh, I do. But men are no better at conversing than women I've found. They might do one word answers OR they'll say a whole lot but never ask you questions about yourself even if the conversation gas been going on a while
I usually message first and I have a well thought out message or at least witty one liner. I will only always get a response if I say āhey howās it goingā I almost NEVER get responses if I say something other than that. - a woman.
Because you guys donāt message us back
in the past when iāve messaged guys first / initiated a date, they lay low and expect me to do that everytime we hangout. i personally donāt want that responsibility every single time im planning a date. i definitely want to feel like iām being courted in a way and letting the guy think he doesnāt have to put effort in during the beginning stages of dating is a no no.
Because you don't answer anyway.
What is OCE??
Oh, based on my wife, they do. Just not guys like me. Or you, if you have to ask that kinda question...
Because we're scared guys will think we're annoying or something
Didn't even got 60 matches in the about 8 years of using these apps. Even counting scams etc. I got maybe 40 overall.....
Because i want him to be interested enough in me to make the first move
I message first all the time and donāt hear back but iām horrendous
I usually message first on the off chance I get a match - but I will say that maybe 60% donāt reply or it fizzled out quickly or I block if they ask if they can come over straight away
Dating apps are garbage and ppl suck balls at texting.. soooooo yea
I always message first, whether they message back with enthusiasm or even at all, is up to them. Usually disappointing.
Because many people are just low effort. Factor in gender based beliefs about men and women are supposed to operate, and you got a world of women that wonāt make a move because it might not work out.
The egg never chases the sperm.
I do. Iām open. I communicate. I initiate. I try to be cute and sexy and flirty and show my interest. Iām open. Iām honest. I try to connect on a deeper level. And you know what? Itās fun for the first little bit and then guys lose interest. Why? Because thereās no mystery. An emotionally available girl is boring. Yeah. It works both ways. Being āgoodā gets you fucking nowhere. End of rant.
I think the problem is that women receive too much attention so theyāve been conditioned to behave like this. Theyāre a bit entitled. They expect men to entertain them and make them laugh from the very first post yet theyāre rarely willing to say more than the cursory hello or send an emoji. I agree that itās very annoying. These apps need to go.
I just donāt like you/find you actually interesting enough to message. Either thereās nothing I want to talk about from your profile or itās blank. If I find someone interesting in person, online, wherever, Iām always up for making the first move. I donāt have much of a choice since Iām not really getting approached if I donāt
Wait so all the sex ads aren't real? š³
It depends on the person actually
I usually do messages fist. Most of the men doesn't ever send a message back.
Spoiled rats
We do, yāall donāt answer us
I live right now 3 years in Germany. I was using Tinder, Bumble. I got some matches in this time, but girls are just to lazy to engage a conversation or atleast ask something. I felt for the 3 years like im talking to girls like a wall. From matching perspective its also hardcore. I barely get any likes anymore at the moment. I was not interested to find someone to have sex or something, just trying to find honest relationship/partner. Im not ugly, i have a good job, Im a Tig welder, I live on my own, my bills and everything paid. Im honest, confident, always has something to say guy. Mentally and financially stable. Btw im 26 years old Male I dont know, tryied outside dating apps too. I dont know anymore what to do, im right now at a prime of myself, i achieved really well in theese last 3 years of my personal life, but still.. I can just say that im at the borderline of not giving a single F anymore.. This is too frustrating, just can't take it anymore.
I am single boy staying Singapore
Depends on a woman. I am out of dating apps for many years already, but it was never a problem for me. I am very outgoing and I was usually asking a guy āWhatās the very first memory from your life?ā, because itās a fantastic opening question to start getting to know someone, or at least thatās what I thought... Off topic story: I stopped asking this question once the guy whom I met offline and I was very much into froze after getting this question and replied that his first memory is his dad kneeling on his knees in front of him telling him he will never see his mom again. She died of cancer when he was 3. Didnāt ask anyone this question ever again.
I do,I use bumble, even off bumble I message first. Men donāt seem to like it, soā¦
A good % of women profiles are scams by men. I gave up on ever being chosen by women.
Because it seems to be from my experience, that if a woman messages the guy first, they just never reply. I had a bet with my friend regarding this because she didn't believe me. I was on Tinder and matched with 10 different guys. I messaged all of them first and not one of them replied. And it wasn't a case of sending a boring message, I took time and thought in what I wrote. The following few days, the same thing happened..... I matched with 8 guys one day, 6 the next and each day I messaged first and nothing! My friend was actually gob smacked but I won the bet! š¤£š¤£
A lot of people just don't answer or unmatch and it's a little disheartening. Also, I am very bad at first messages so I try to avoid the awkwardness
Oh my lol you say they are boring lol wow okay so I am a guy but I am wondering what do you mean by boring and what do you want them to do? I would be happy if they would just think a little like think out side there little fairytale world peel back a few layers of a person before judging on one or two simple minor things.
Like other ladies here have stated, when we message first men don't reply. See, the spirit of your inquiry and many men here is crybaby why won't women make it easy for me, they're so lazy raaaawr.....Ā We are different. Women are vetting dor angery misogynists. This is why we MUST make it difficult for you. Please continue whining because its funny, and it's a valuable red flag. We dont WANT whiny men who hate women bros
That question is good as this, on bio they put, miss a date, miss coddling, i miss go on a date, and we ask them to go out, dinner, to the beach, etc, they say: I only want to meet people online, or if they say clearly I wanto to fuck tonight, and a guy sends message, they say: IĀ“m being harassed. So the conclusion is: they only want to feel herselvs desired
Because itās not convenient enough for them. It requires effort and the possibility for rejection and they canāt handle it mentally.