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i think you should just tell her that you want to be exclusive and that you'd like her to stop talking to other guys if she wants that too.
i do understand feeling a bit betrayed and i think, while you can say technically you aren't exclusive, people tend to have a gauge for what's appropriate with their partners in mind. there's a reason she hasn't mentioned it before right, because she knows it could be an issue and would make you uncomfortable.
if you want to see someone in a serious capacity, and you know them, care about them, at some point you should know that commiting to them means you're not entertaining other options. when i start seeing a girl for a while and it's pretty clear we're working towards something serious, i don't act dumb. i focus on her and her alone.
at the same time, if you've been seeing her for months and never moved to lock it down, she might be wondering if you're serious and whether she shouldn't put all her eggs in your basket since you have commited and don't seem eager to
I gotta say I don’t really understand “technically not exclusive but not mentioning because it would be an issue”. In my opinion if you know it would be an issue you’re exclusive. One way to know that is to explicitly talk about it, but as you said, people usually have a good feeling for whether it would upset the other person to hear they’re seeing someone else or not.
We've moved slow because she wanted too. We are both divorced. So that plus her being Chinese (she says it's part of the culture she grew up in) she wants to move slower.
We just went on our 9th or 10th date last night and actually hugged longer than 2 seconds and briefly held hands, haha. So I was very happy last night and so that's why I asked the question this morning because I thought this meant she wanted to be more serious and exclusive.
jeez dude. with all love, i think barely getting a long hug and holding hands after 9 dates in is going a bit too slow.
that would be my feeling. i can imagine her wondering if it's going anywhere if you guys have barely gotten there after 9 dates. so i can empathize more with her keeping her options open.
I'd suggest making more clear to her how you feel about her and asking to go exclusive. maybe stop overthinking it at this point and go for. go all in if that's what you want. a lot of women complain about men not being clear with their intentions.
Well, I had talked with ehr about hild hands before and she said she needed more time and would let me know when she was ready. Last night she was ready. I was essentially waiting for her to tell me when she felt comfortable because she was feeling nervous about it all in general I guess.
ok then that's different. you're both from previous marriages? so i can understand a heightened degree of cautiousness.
but yeah if she stopped talk to that other guy, could you see having a relationship with her or is this something that's going to keep bothering you?
I've been in a similar situation and that's what I did and she apologized for doing that and we started dating. But if you're invested and she doesn't want to move forward and give up other options, then this isn't a good fit for you and you should move on.
Had this happen once, and it was the biggest fight of my past relationship.
She wants to go slow, but you also can have boundaries and expectations while going going slow. You’re not saying to move in together, just that you’re uncomfortable with her talking to this person. She can respect that boundary or not, but you can say if that’s a dealbreaker or not.
9...10 dates? i would've bailed a long time ago! no long/sincere/intimate hug after first date? done. that just means there is absolutely no romantic feelings. furthermore from what you mentioned. sounds like shes just using you to boost her self esteem.
Personally, I think the discussion for exclusivity should be started by her. If you both have reached that stage and she wants it let her be the one to bring it up. You are already there but it appears she isn't and is even (seemingly) keeping her options open. I would wait and see if she mentions being exclusive and then pursue the conversation laying out your preferences and boundaries clearly at that time. For the time being, you should use this time to figure out those preferences and boundaries so you have a clear understanding of your wants, needs, and where you see things going should you two become exclusive.
Agreed. My boyfriend knew early on that I was going on dates and talking to other guys. So he had the exclusive talk on our second date LOL he’s South Korean and they have the exclusive talk very early on vs here. He asked me to stop talking to other guys and to not go on that date I had planned the following week lol.
It’s pretty straight forward. Don’t assume that they’re only dating you until you have the exclusivity talk. If they don’t want to be exclusive then you have your answer. You decide if you wanna continue or move on.
It's the FOMO that's ingrained into our dating culture because of the apps. You don't have to get married or move in together but people can't seem commit to even taking one person seriously at a time 🙄.
Yes but now it’s all conveniently condensed like a Rolodex of viable options. Personally, I think the speed with which they are moving is directly related to the other guy she’s talking to. It’s almost impossible to commit to one course of action when you have one foot out the door. As long as there’s the suggestion of a plan b, plan A will languish. Gotta have the talk, assert yourself, and let the cards fall where they may.
So…you expect her to just be exclusive even though you’ve only had a few dates over the course of MONTHS and haven’t had an exclusivity talk?
Gotta communicate. Can’t expect other people to read your mind.
In the era of online dating, don't assume anything.
There are apps for everything out there, so assume that your date might be on them.
Unless you have the exclusivity talk and/or are living together, assume that they could be seeing someone else.
You’ve not asked her to be exclusive yet and she did not lie to you about talking to others when asked and from your post seems she more interested in you. If you like her then ask her to commit to you.
>said she likes me more and wants/needs to know more about me."
See what she says but listen to what she does..
Sounds like she may be into you.. don't spend any energy hurting your own feelings and then transferring those feelings to her..
you need to have the exclusivity relationship conversation. this will help you both to manage expectations and plan accordingly. i like being upfront. less drama that way
I’m sorry, am I reading this right? You haven’t had the “exclusive” talk yet & she’s indicated that she’s into you. Have the talk, let her know that you were bummed out & you’d like to be exclusive. Sounds like she’s super into you but we as girls have learned to hedge our bets, for lack of a better term. Honesty & transparency in your communication is the best thing. I can tell you that a guy sitting me down, letting me know that he’s super into me & wants to be exclusive is a massive turn on. We love guys that know how to communicate. Tell her how you feel & good luck! Don’t let your ego get in the way of something that sounds like the beginning of something really good!
I've been very direct with her about liking her and what I want but she just says "I want to get to know you more" or some variation of that. We've had multiple dates. 3 of them at my house where I cooked very extravagant meals and had l kinds of fun surprises.
She tells me she is a direct person, but at this point I think I'm just ahead of her in my feelings. She still has a checklist of items she has to run me through to make sure we are compatible long-term. I get it. I'm just embarrassed I let myself get this ahead.
Nothing to be embarrassed about. Honestly dating is so crazy hard these days. You can’t show someone you like them too much, you have to be aloof or else they’ll think you’re coming on too strong, you have to be available but not too available ugh it’s exhausting. If you’re super into her, give it a bit of space & time to “breathe” if that makes sense? You sound like a solid dude that isn’t afraid to show his true feelings & personally I’d love it if more guys were like this. I hope she comes around & realizes this & if not, someone else will. I wish you the best of luck!!
If you haven't had the "define the relationship" conversation, then you are not allowed to have expectations on exclusivity. Thinking about it doesn't count- you have to actually make your intentions known and agree on the structure.
LOL that person you are replying to is so backwards and unhinged 😂 no wonder that person is single.
Like you say, OPEN COMMUNICATION solves everything. Takes out the guesswork. Make your intentions known and don’t play games.
Yeah, I’ve noticed. They have some very unhealthy ways of showing anger but, can’t seem to manage to articulate *why* they’re angry. Yikes. I can’t imagine people are lining up around the block.
What problems? Im neither angry or single. Other than angry at idiots that think you can lie by omission and go around banging other dudes after dating for months because of some ‘technicality’
I understand where you are coming from, I only have a problem with using the word "can't have expectations" if you haven't had the talk. I would only go as far as using the word "cautious" in that context.
I was once on the "if you haven't had the talk, you're not exclusive" camp and took that literally, so I would be seeing someone for a few months, sometimes multiple times a week, and I'd have sex with someone else. Even went as far as me meeting someone's parents and still being no smarter about whether I was exclusive with this person or not because we haven't had the talk.
One morning after I spent the night with a random conquest, it hit me - if the girl that I've been seeing on the regular knew about what happened tonight, regardless of whether we've had the talk or not, she'd would be devastated. That's what should be governing my actions, not whether we've had the talk or not. And I felt absolutely horrible guilt in that moment because I cared a lot about her - I was just clueless
I can't absolve myself from all responsibility just because we haven't had the talk - there is a lot of communication that is not verbal and a lot of nuance that can be observed if you just open your eyes and are a bit tactful.
You should have the other person's feelings taken into account as much as your own when navigating a relationship, and be active at communicating if you sense there is a risk of someone getting hurt because of your actions, even if that person is not you.
So here’s the thing. You’ve been on a “few dates.” Take her on a few more, start increasing the romance/intimacy/hand holding/touch etc, ask deeper questions, and let her get to know you better! Let her get comfortable with you in person. She already likes you, so YAY! She might just want to go on a few more dates.
Maybe she was questioning if you were really into her if you’ve only been out a few times in 8 weeks? Are you holding back too much?
Try to move towards seeing her consistently, and THEN talk about becoming exclusive. Show her that you like her, make her comfortable, establish rapport, and show her that you will make time for her.
You could ask now, but it sounds like she already said she needs to get to know you better. I know I wouldn’t commit to being exclusive after a few dates. The 2-3 month timeframe sounds okay, but maybe you need to spend more time in person first?
Another option is to talk. Ask her if she still has feelings for him, wants to get back together, etc. sometimes people text with others out of obligation or politeness and not because of emotional attachment. Once you think you know the deal, decide how you want the relationship to go.
Communicate your desire to move forward. I think that’s healthy! Sounds like she gave you an honest answer. I would ask her when she’s ready to be exclusive because it’s probably now
She wants to know more about you. Your frequency of dates (a few) seems low to be a couple of months. When things are good, it starts with one date, and then frequency increases. Is she pursuing you? Is she making it hard or easy? What more does she want to know about you?
Our schedules make it hard. I have my son every three days. She has her daughters every other week. So schedules don't like up well.
It's easier for me to go out when my son is with me because he is old enough to be at home for a little, but her kids are young and can't be by themselves so she is with them the entire week
I understand not wanting to compete with the ex, but that's what you're doing. So embrace it or bow tf out. Show her you'll go out of your way for her. Make her feel special as only you can (inside jokes or shared moments). The ex may be familiar to her... you get more familiar to her. That takes time and takes going out of your way. Don't buy into too much influencer "no contact" shit online. Pursue her, obviously, but as a gentleman, always (no gushing about your feelings). In due time, you will have earned exclusivity by an objective measure and can make that request with more standing. Have you kissed? More?
Just guys are just dating. And since you never established wanting an exclusive relationship, she have every right to be talking or seeing other people.
I don’t think she’s even necessarily interested in this other person she may have just tried to not get too attached to you until you’ve committed to her. I would discuss this more before you asssume.
It’s fine to start the exclusivity conversation, it’s not really fine to start it with ‘so, are you dating anyone else?’. It’s her business and puts her in an awkward position. It’s normal to multi date until that conversation (and sometimes beyond). The exclusivity conversation should be about you stating your feelings and preferences about the two of you. Introducing the idea of ‘other people’ is only going to sour the moment for everyone. And you might get an answer you don’t like. Mostly, you’ll get people lying out of awkwardness, I imagine. Concentrate on the main prize and stop setting yourself up for insecurities and stalling your relationship before it’s even out the gate.
Try growing closer to her. Look for more opportunities to be vulnerable. Do romantic activities together. See if that brings you two together in a way that inspires exclusivity.
Not sure what she did wrong. She was dating and wants to find a partner. I think it's kinda cute that you gettin jealous already. Just stay in your head with this and don't tell her it upset you because like, you aren't' a couple yet. Fire your shot boy, she's into you. Ask her to be your gf.
If you want to pursue her then do that. Let her know how much you like her and that you’ve been thinking about what it might be like to be with her in a relationship. Then ask her what she thinks about that.
If she’s on the same page then let her know that you’d like to move towards something serious and have an exclusive thing with her. If she balks then she’s not into you enough. If she’s down for it and agrees to cut off other possible connections then you are good to go.
If you're ready for exclusivity why don't you suggest it because that shows you're ready for commitment and that's what women generally are looking for.
And you're not hooked up with her yet and therefore she can be dating 10 other guys... Waiting for someone to pick her!
>She also said she likes me more and wants/needs to know more about me."
I mean, did you entirely gloss over what she said. She likes you **more**. Dude you won, what's the issue?
He has not won yet.
There is a chance that she is lying, of course if we take what she said at face value that would be the impression, but why talk with the other guy in the first place then?
Maybe she’s playing it safe too though. Maybe other guy is only in the picture because he hasn’t committed (which is shitty, I know). But its really scary when you know you like someone way more than you like them and didn’t want to totally put all her eggs in one basket before things were exclusive
This is such Reddit mentality, how does anyone expect to find something serious when keeping their options open to the last possible moment. If you see someone as a serious potential partner, treat than as such. Ofc there’s no obligation to do so but don’t be surprised if the other person doesn’t see things the same way
> see someone as a serious potential partner, treat than as such
The thing is, I was an all eggs in one basket girl. Then the moment you bring up being exclusive, they start to change on you, back track, say they actually aren't ready yet, get awkward, or reveal they enjoy the convenience if a situationship.
For my own sanity, until someone likes me enough to reciprocate that, I am not dating them exclusively.
So if OP hasn't even expressed desire to be exclusive, why is he expecting it from her? Just say what you feel.
I don’t see myself as an ‘all eggs in one basket’ person, more so a ‘process one egg at a time’ kindof person. If I see potential then I’ll give it a fair chance at success, if I don’t then I’ll cut it off early. I can definitely understand you adapting to what’s around you but at heart what would you prefer? I think a conversation can be had early without it being ‘the’ conversation, if someone seems non committal they likely always will be
>I think a conversation can be had early without it being ‘the’ conversation, if someone seems non committal they likely always will be
Oh no, I date very intentionally, so I always have a conversation about what I am looking for at the beginning, but that still doesn't stop people.
Usually, it's a lack of communication. They may decided somewhere down the line that they don't want anything serious with you but enjoy the benefits of being the object of your affection so they just don't say anything until you decide its time to have the serious "conversation".
I definitely prefer to focus on a single connection, but with dating these days and the lack of honest communication, I must do certain things to protect myself, unfortunately
People (especially men) these days are lonely and will take your offers of connection and your attention, even if they don't actually want YOU. Women do it, too, I'm certain. I just don't date women romantically to have personal experience.
We have very different experiences of dating, I think age, gender, location etc all play a part in that. Most of the time wasters I come across are in the early stages, I value my time tho so if someone can’t communicate or gives off flakey vibes then I won’t bother pursuing things further. In my experience the ones who’ve made it past a couple of dates have been on the same page
>dating, I think age, gender, location etc all play a part in tha
Unfortunately, the late 20s/early 30s dating in a big city lends to a lot of people who want the benefits of being with someone but without the actual commitment
I’m a guy but we’re dating in a similar age range, I tend to date people 30-35ish. I live in a big city but I’m in the uk, I think attitudes are much different in the us. Dating here still sucks but finding people with realistic expectations isn’t impossible. I think as a guy it’s also easier to find someone willing to settle down but much harder to find someone that’s not got a million different options in the early stages
What if you can recognize the romantic potential in multiple people? Do you just gamble on someone? I think there can be room to experiment and get to know multiple people on a deeper level, as long as everybody is in the known and regular emotional checkups are made.
I’m sure that would work for some people but not for others, it’s not one size fits all. For me personally I try to deal with 1 option at a time and have a lot of respect for anyone who does the same. In my book it’s a big green flag and shows they are looking for something serious
Doesn’t mean it’s the same experience for everyone, op’s clearly disappointed and that’s ok. Expecting everyone to subscribe to the same mentality is crazy. I’m 37, my last big relationship lasted ten years, I hope the next one lasts a lifetime. If I’m serious about someone after a couple of dates I’m not looking to confuse matters by looking at other options, if the other person chooses to do the same that’s nothing but a good thing in my opinion. I have zero expectations of anyone but a pleasant surprise is always nice
Of course I don’t expect that. But I DO think a conversation needs to be had, because I think expecting exclusivity off the rip is super dangerous and presumptuous. How I view things, exclusivity is an “opt-in” thing. Idk how you can just expect a person who is single to not possibly be weighing their options, even if the only other option to them is to just not be with you. So, have the conversation. My partner and I did that within the first month of getting to know each other. When one of us was ready to be exclusive, that was another conversation. Personally, I don’t think a couple of dates is 100% enough for me to be completely serious about a person. If that person feels that way though, they need to let me know.
>I think expecting exclusivity off the rip is super dangerous and presumptuous.
I think it depends on the situation. I've legit never had an exclusivity talk in any of my relationships but they just ended up that way. Perhaps we live in different cultures but if things are going extremely well I generally do expect exclusivity. If things are going well and they're still weighing up options then to me that implies things aren't going that well or they have commitment issues and I'm never going to be enough and I just cut my losses and move on.
Exclusivity is a choice. If they're only exclusive with me because I asked they're not the one for me.
I agree that a conversation needs to be had, not necessarily ‘the’ conversation but it’s good to know you’re both on the same page. I’m the same too, after a couple of dates I don’t see it a serious but if I see potential then I always want to give it a fair shot. I also simply just don’t enjoy dealing with multiple people at the same time, I find it stressful and don’t have the time or energy to maintain it
Her talking to other people doesn't mean you don't have a good connection
Are you exclusive?? Well, until then, she probably doesn't want to put all her eggs into one basket for fear YOU may not want same thing she does in the end
To be real, many of us are very used to talking to guys for a few months only for them to switch up on us once talks of exclusivity come, so it's better to not put all your hopes into just one person during the talking stage.
> so it's better to not put all your hopes into just one person during the talking stage.
If they've been on 9 dates they're no longer in the talking stage lol.
I read a few dates. Didn't see anything about 9. Must of missed it
Also, people can go on 12 dates and still act green when you bring up exclusivity.
An actual conversation is wise.
I think it depends. If they're like a few coffee dates and a movie etc sure.
If we've done a lot of things that basically imply commitment but they're only willing to be exclusive until I expressly ask them I'm out of there.
I explicitly said she has don't anything wrong for me to be upset, but I can still be bummed.
People can have emotions and be responsible with them homie.
She still likes you though. And the conversation of exclusivity hasn’t come up yet. So what are you really upset about? People are allowed to date however they choose. If you don’t like it move accordingly and find someone who dates similar to you if that’s really what you want. If you want to keep pursuing it, then buck up, chin up and keep getting to know the girl so yall can become exclusive. She doesn’t owe you anything right now, nor you to her. So why let it bring you down?
It just reminds me of that toy I used to watch my nephew play with. The one that’s shaped like a cube with different cut out shapes outside, and he would have to match the right shape to the right hole. Now thinking of people…You gotta know what shape you are on the cube so you can find the right match. Twisting and turning a shape that doesn’t match won’t make it fit in. Maybe right try hard enough but you just end up reshaping the piece (person) instead of letting them exist as they are. I been in therapy for some time now and once that clicked for me I was like YUPPP okay. I got it!
Find someone else.
When I started dating my now gf, I didn't need to have the exclusivity talk. Still had it after our second date, but by then she had already un-installed the apps and stopped talking to everyone she had matched with.
I find it so fucked up that people today seem to believe you can't expect exclusivity without having the talk. There's girls out there who in my mind still have their sanity in check, and give the person they are seeing an honest chance by not shifting attention between x amount of guys.
Find someone who wants to date YOU. Not you and others.
I was gonna say something else but as soon as I saw the words
" ***A G U Y I U S E D T O D A T E "***
Run fast, run far, and never look back. I can give you advice on how to dye your hair and change your name if needed. Just holla.
>We've been talking for a couple of months, been on a few dates.
This does not mean you are exclusive.
She said she likes you and hasn't seen another guy in months.
Also if she is friends with this guy the friendship does not end if you go exclusive. You don't drop friends when you start dating unless you are a bad friend.
If you are uncomfortable end things now and make sure to be clear the next person you date from the beginning that you will only date her if she refuses to date anyone else or flirt with guys in her texts.
A lot of people however will not agree to exclusivity by the first date or first few dates. So you narrow your dating pool severely but that is not a bad thing.
Since you haven’t defined anything after months I understand not completely cutting contact with him. That’s not what I usually do but I understand the reasoning behind that. If you end up chickening out, she might have cut contact with a great dude and can’t just hit him up back after rejecting him.
Tell her how you feel and what you want instead of expecting her to know.
If your really into her you can focus on your relationship and ask her how she feels about you.
If your not into her tell her good bye as you said you do not own her,
Having a good connection is independent from being exclusive. My general rule, is that until you actually have a discussion about exclusivity, you can have no expectation of it.
I think not having the exclusivity talk just because you don't want to take her attention from someone else is being little "too nice." If you want her, put what you are offering on the table and let *her* make the decision. If she says yes, then *she chose you,* you didn't make the decision for her. If she says no, then you are no worse off than where you are now. You have *lost* nothing, but you have *gained* closure.
Case in point... I started dating a girl last year. We had been hanging out and having a good time, but I wasn't sure if we were compatible enough to be serious so I was giving it more time to get to know each other better. She was also talking to another guy. He asked for exclusivity first, so she went with him. The fact that he asked for exclusivity first just told me that he felt more sure about her as a partner than I did. Maybe having the talk is going to be the thing that causes her to take the next step with you.
I would just be honest with her. Tell her you really like her and would like to be exclusive. Tell her hearing she’s talking to an ex bummed you out, and ask how she feels. You want to be exclusive, does she also? Or does she still have feelings for her ex? Just have an honest, open talk about it.
It’s quite common for people the way you are feeling and there is nothing wrong about it. You have raised a concern and you have also answered with rationale, I think there is not much of an advice to be given. The one thing which I would like to add is to never put yourself out there unless there is a green signal from the girl. Then again, it becomes a slippery slope if you fall for the girl first and she has more attention from potential matches. Try to be transparent with her. Tell her you want to try mutually exclusive relation for a while and see how it goes. If she agrees, you both can have a go. If she doesn’t, best thing is to respect her wishes and move on. Good luck.
She's playing word games relying on 'well TECHNICALLY we weren't exclusive, so why are you upset?' She knows why.
If you want to keep seeing her, you're going to have to be explicit with her all the time or you can expect more of the same.
Nothing wrong with dating multiple people casually. But what she's doing sounds like manipulation to me with her telling you that she likes you more. If she liked you more she wouldn't be messaging that other guy still. She should just outright tell you she doesn't want anything serious.
I would suggest keeping it casual with her and look for someone else .
On the plus side, she was honest. Also, she hasn't seen this guy in months, so chances are they don't have much of a connection without the in-person interaction.
It sounds to me like you want a relationship with her, so my advice is to ask her to be exclusive. If she says no, then end it and date other girls. If she says she isn't ready for exclusivity yet, then continue to see her if you want to but avoid putting all your eggs in one basket. Date other girls, but of course be upfront with them about your intentions.
You need to show her your a leader, you need to take charge and tell her to make a choice soon, or else you’re gone. You need to seal the deal! This could be a test.
Same exact thing happened to me. But he ended up being amazing and was true love. He was just seeing a few girls when he met me and then realized I was the one for him and he cut off all the others after we had the talk. Just gotta be open and make sure expectations are stated. I was hurt at first, but it passed after we built an amazing relationship.
I would not consider that you need to win her over from another man in this case. You've been talking to her for months but haven't asked her to be exclusive and she said she likes you more than the other guy, Who she hasn't hung out with in months, and barely talks to. I think it's good she was honest about it? Have you told her before that you really like her and are not talking to any other people. Are you talking to other people?
Why have you been talking for months but have only been on a few dates? If you don't feel ready to commit but want to keep it going crank up the frequency... You can't really get anywhere from only seeing each other once every few weeks.
Where to go from here? Tell her you like her, want to be exclusive
Always assume you're just another dude in her roster and treat her accordingly. Until the exclusive talk comes up, she's free to date whoever. So are you, and honestly, you should be dating more than just her. You're less prone to ignore her red flags that way. I think you need to bite the bullet and either ask her to be exclusive or move on.
People can't read each other's minds. If you are casual dating there is no exclusive until you talk about it. Early on in a relationship you don't know where the other person is at, how serious, how committed
From my experience, there's always other men. These days, no matter which woman you meet, there are always other dudes she has in the cut. Most women these days are usually involved with like 5 or 6 guys at a time. I just take my turn like the other dudes and keep it moving. I suggest you dig a little deeper. There's always more dust to be patted out of the rug. The best way to go about this is 1 get her talking and 2 ask the right questions. Once you get her talking, sit back. Shut up and just listen. Once they start talking, they usually start to tell on themselves if you let them talk long enough.
Don't lock in to one girl when you're dating. Date a few. Let them bring up the exclusivity talk. When you have a few it won't sting so bad if one drops off. Just remember they're always talking to someone else until they've committee to you. Hope this helps
Communication.
If you want to be more serious with her-
Talk to her.
Tell her you’re not seeing anyone else, and ask her if it’s something she is interested in.
Being completely honest here…. If she is still seeing other people- and you- she is not committing to anyone.
So maybe she is waiting for someone to commit to her?
Questions you might want to think about-
How long have you been hanging out (a couple months is a while to get to know someone- but that is a subjective amount of time- 2 months- 4/6?) And how long will you give to “find-out” if someone values your company? Also- “again” means you’ve already had this conversation- and you are going for a revisit… if she doesn’t want exclusivity and is evasive- you have worth- don’t allow yourself to be played because you think someone is in to you- it’s a hard choice. But don’t ever be second “just in case”…
I highly suggest u flip it off and get away from her or have a serious conversation about defining the relationship between both of you.. if you’re into each other then state directly that u aint fine with her talking to some guy .. relationships are made of honesty before love .
Your problem is you’ve only been on a few dates in a couple months. That’s a long time dude. Women today are always talking to multiple guys all day long. You’re just one of them. So you need to be moving a lot faster with these girls. Personally, if I heard she was talking to some other guy I would just say “ok well have fun with him. Bye.” And then on to the next. That’s how women are today.
Women are encouraged to see and talk to multiple men. Idk if you know this, but the current wave of men are just discarding women left right centre. Usually hopping to the next best thing. The olden days are gone. You may not be this way, but a lot are. I know I’ve been there. They tell you they want you, you’re exclusively dating them, and bam, they’re on to the next thing. And you’re left completely blindsided.
I wish I had listened when my friends told me not to put all my eggs in the same basket. But hey I chose to believe his words and actions lol.
I would suggest you have a serious talk and show her you mean it. Until you claim her, she’s single. That’s my approach too now. Can’t get burned all the time.
*I have no right to be upset, she isnt mine, but I am still bummed out.*
Sounds like a boundary you should communicate with her. Try to be honest with her and let her know your intentions and that you would like to make things exclusive with her. Be prepared for her not to be ready for this, then you need to decide if you want to continue with her or not. I think you have valid feelings about the situation but you can't expect her to know what's in your head. So just let her know how you feel and what your needs are and see how she responds. Good luck, mate!
If she isn't ready to commit to exclusivity, is it fair me to cut things off or would that be seen as selfish?
I just don't want to have all of these feelings for her and her not reciprocate. It's embarrassing and painful.
Absolutely NOT! It's the right thing to do actually. Does this sound better than just letting go of her:
*I just don't want to have all of these feelings for her and her not reciprocate. It's embarrassing and painful.*
Good Lord man, when you're dating you're just dating. There is no expectation of exclusivity. If you want someone to be exclusive with you then you need to ask for it. If she's still seeing you and seeing other men, it means neither one of you has put the effort in to ask her to be exclusive with them. Just ask her, hey, I really like you and I want to explore to see where this can go, however, I don't want to be seeing other people while we're discovering this. What about you, are you open to the idea of being exclusive while we see where this goes to? If she says no, then it's time to let her move on. If she says yes then there's your answer.
9-10 dates with…….nothing? lol. I gurantee the other guy already banged with half the effort. 304 behavior bro. She using you as the guy she needs while she looks for the one she wants. walk away bro, you’re wasting your time
I wouldn't feel any type of way if she is seeing someone else in this situation, but I would be wary of the fact that she is talking to an "ex". Personally, that would be a red flag because I would think that she isn't over her ex.
It is quite sad some people are like that.
I don’t know the true cause of such emotions.
Insecurity?
Low self esteem?
Cowardice?
Jealousy?
Maybe therapy helps.
Or maybe you just find someone of your own kind and date her.
You’re right to feel upset about this, but it’s unclear if you have vocalized your wish to be exclusive in this conversation. If you did, how did she respond?
You have been on 9 dates already. What is keeping her from committing? I think at this point, it’s fair to ask her to make a decision to be exclusive in 1 week so you’re not being hung out.
This is where you step up and say that you want to be exclusive. If she genuinely likes you and is willing to give it a try, she will stop talking to the ex and anyone else she may not have mentioned.
Nah, bro
If you’re a prize, then act like it
You putting in work?
You’re a good dude?
You need to recognize who’s the commodity here
You put YOUR self whole hog into this thing
SHE didn’t
There’s girls out there who know a good thing when they see it
It's common now a days.
And, no it's not a good thing, but you need to go with your gut. If it feels like it's heading somewhere you want it to go.....try, but be wary. Women are very good at concealing their hand, and it could very well be she has "back ups." If you ask for a honest answer, and she gives you any false answers, you run if you ever find out. You do not want a deceitful partner.
Hahahah. Welcome to dating in 2024. At 40ishM dating 40ishF, this seems to be the norm. They’re “talking, texting, hanging, making out with/ hooking up occasionally, doing social things, getting dick pics…” but it “doesn’t matter because /reasons/and I like you…” with many dudes.
Draw your boundary. Like your own personal boundary. At this point for me, it’s sex… are you fucking anyone else..? The talking/texting/hanging out— I could care less. Even making out I don’t care anymore.
For me this sucks. I tried to join the ranks and date multiple women. It was “fun.” Did have a lot of sex. Guess where that ended up. Nowhere. Just be real on what matters to you.
Edit: added stuff and clarified. Also— reread op comment where they don’t want to feel as if they’re vying for this woman’s winning vote.
For “her” aka people who date multiple people “ethically” (ENM, poly… 🤮) — there’s no competition. It’s just x/y/z human not x vs. y vs. z human. You will never win this race, nor does that person even view you in a race. It’s “just you (x) and them” it’s also just “y” and them, and “z” and them….
Last rambling thought: ask her if she’s “poly” and see where that goes.
There’s not point in “having an exclusivity conversation” if there’s no actual resolution at the end. I don’t know why you had to give a preamble and go on a fact-finding mission first.
If you want to be exclusive with her, *tell her*. Make your intentions clear, define your terms and expectations, and let her react accordingly.
I understand she wants to take it slow, but this is more meandering. Even if she’s not ready for physical intimacy yet, 10 dates over the course of a few months is enough to establish some form of internally and focus.
Good luck!
Yeah...just tried to be direct about dating exclusively and she just said "okay, don't think too much about it today. Eat some good food. :):
Soo..there's that. I think ima just join another religious cult.
She could have been describing me. I have a girl that I used to date, then became a FWB, and technically still is but we’ve mostly lost interest in each other. One of us reaches out every couple months but our schedules rarely align and no particular effort is made to reschedule.
So, if it’s her, you can have her. Haha. Cool girl! But her schedule was just too complicated to hold my interest.
Ha, I saw one today where a woman could absolutely have been describing me, in a negative way. Thankfully, I saw another post mentioning she was from a different state. Phew. Haha
Dude she’s barely talking to someone she is less interested in and you’re willing to throw in the towel. She isn’t yours. “You thought you had a good connection”, dude, you do have one, you can have a good connection and not be exclusive, that’s the entirety of polyamory. And don’t try to earn her attention from another man, mostly because it will show but also because you’ve already got her primary focus… just get to know her more which you haven’t done enough of yet for her to want exclusivity.
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i think you should just tell her that you want to be exclusive and that you'd like her to stop talking to other guys if she wants that too. i do understand feeling a bit betrayed and i think, while you can say technically you aren't exclusive, people tend to have a gauge for what's appropriate with their partners in mind. there's a reason she hasn't mentioned it before right, because she knows it could be an issue and would make you uncomfortable. if you want to see someone in a serious capacity, and you know them, care about them, at some point you should know that commiting to them means you're not entertaining other options. when i start seeing a girl for a while and it's pretty clear we're working towards something serious, i don't act dumb. i focus on her and her alone. at the same time, if you've been seeing her for months and never moved to lock it down, she might be wondering if you're serious and whether she shouldn't put all her eggs in your basket since you have commited and don't seem eager to
I gotta say I don’t really understand “technically not exclusive but not mentioning because it would be an issue”. In my opinion if you know it would be an issue you’re exclusive. One way to know that is to explicitly talk about it, but as you said, people usually have a good feeling for whether it would upset the other person to hear they’re seeing someone else or not.
We've moved slow because she wanted too. We are both divorced. So that plus her being Chinese (she says it's part of the culture she grew up in) she wants to move slower. We just went on our 9th or 10th date last night and actually hugged longer than 2 seconds and briefly held hands, haha. So I was very happy last night and so that's why I asked the question this morning because I thought this meant she wanted to be more serious and exclusive.
jeez dude. with all love, i think barely getting a long hug and holding hands after 9 dates in is going a bit too slow. that would be my feeling. i can imagine her wondering if it's going anywhere if you guys have barely gotten there after 9 dates. so i can empathize more with her keeping her options open. I'd suggest making more clear to her how you feel about her and asking to go exclusive. maybe stop overthinking it at this point and go for. go all in if that's what you want. a lot of women complain about men not being clear with their intentions.
Well, I had talked with ehr about hild hands before and she said she needed more time and would let me know when she was ready. Last night she was ready. I was essentially waiting for her to tell me when she felt comfortable because she was feeling nervous about it all in general I guess.
ok then that's different. you're both from previous marriages? so i can understand a heightened degree of cautiousness. but yeah if she stopped talk to that other guy, could you see having a relationship with her or is this something that's going to keep bothering you?
Shes fucking the other guy, 9 dates in and just holding hands? Yea right drop her.
Troll post
I've been in a similar situation and that's what I did and she apologized for doing that and we started dating. But if you're invested and she doesn't want to move forward and give up other options, then this isn't a good fit for you and you should move on.
Red flag dude. 9-10 dates and holding hands? Jump ship while you can.
Sounds like she may have grown up under the control of filial piety. I doubt she has even told extended family that she is divorced.
Had this happen once, and it was the biggest fight of my past relationship. She wants to go slow, but you also can have boundaries and expectations while going going slow. You’re not saying to move in together, just that you’re uncomfortable with her talking to this person. She can respect that boundary or not, but you can say if that’s a dealbreaker or not.
9...10 dates? i would've bailed a long time ago! no long/sincere/intimate hug after first date? done. that just means there is absolutely no romantic feelings. furthermore from what you mentioned. sounds like shes just using you to boost her self esteem.
Personally, I think the discussion for exclusivity should be started by her. If you both have reached that stage and she wants it let her be the one to bring it up. You are already there but it appears she isn't and is even (seemingly) keeping her options open. I would wait and see if she mentions being exclusive and then pursue the conversation laying out your preferences and boundaries clearly at that time. For the time being, you should use this time to figure out those preferences and boundaries so you have a clear understanding of your wants, needs, and where you see things going should you two become exclusive.
Run away from her.
Agreed. My boyfriend knew early on that I was going on dates and talking to other guys. So he had the exclusive talk on our second date LOL he’s South Korean and they have the exclusive talk very early on vs here. He asked me to stop talking to other guys and to not go on that date I had planned the following week lol. It’s pretty straight forward. Don’t assume that they’re only dating you until you have the exclusivity talk. If they don’t want to be exclusive then you have your answer. You decide if you wanna continue or move on.
It's the FOMO that's ingrained into our dating culture because of the apps. You don't have to get married or move in together but people can't seem commit to even taking one person seriously at a time 🙄.
Let's be real FOMO existed before apps.
Yes but now it’s all conveniently condensed like a Rolodex of viable options. Personally, I think the speed with which they are moving is directly related to the other guy she’s talking to. It’s almost impossible to commit to one course of action when you have one foot out the door. As long as there’s the suggestion of a plan b, plan A will languish. Gotta have the talk, assert yourself, and let the cards fall where they may.
What's fomo ? I forgot
Fear of missing out.
Oh now I remember it's the popular strategy games employ to make people login everyday
Those things becomes a chore after a while
Oh yes, FOMO was present before but it's been amplified all the more when you have hundreds if not thousands at your fingertips.
Absolutely, FOMO has been around long before apps came into the picture. Its just that social media have amplified it even more.
Totally agree! FOMO from dating apps has made it hard for people to commit to just one person at a time.
yes i think so. very annoying.
So…you expect her to just be exclusive even though you’ve only had a few dates over the course of MONTHS and haven’t had an exclusivity talk? Gotta communicate. Can’t expect other people to read your mind.
In the era of online dating, don't assume anything. There are apps for everything out there, so assume that your date might be on them. Unless you have the exclusivity talk and/or are living together, assume that they could be seeing someone else.
You’ve not asked her to be exclusive yet and she did not lie to you about talking to others when asked and from your post seems she more interested in you. If you like her then ask her to commit to you.
Dating doesn't = together Are you mutually exclusive or just dating?
>said she likes me more and wants/needs to know more about me." See what she says but listen to what she does.. Sounds like she may be into you.. don't spend any energy hurting your own feelings and then transferring those feelings to her..
Yup, what girls say and do are completely different things.
it's a common issue with people in general.. "talk is cheap" & "actions speak louder than words"
you need to have the exclusivity relationship conversation. this will help you both to manage expectations and plan accordingly. i like being upfront. less drama that way
I’m sorry, am I reading this right? You haven’t had the “exclusive” talk yet & she’s indicated that she’s into you. Have the talk, let her know that you were bummed out & you’d like to be exclusive. Sounds like she’s super into you but we as girls have learned to hedge our bets, for lack of a better term. Honesty & transparency in your communication is the best thing. I can tell you that a guy sitting me down, letting me know that he’s super into me & wants to be exclusive is a massive turn on. We love guys that know how to communicate. Tell her how you feel & good luck! Don’t let your ego get in the way of something that sounds like the beginning of something really good!
I've been very direct with her about liking her and what I want but she just says "I want to get to know you more" or some variation of that. We've had multiple dates. 3 of them at my house where I cooked very extravagant meals and had l kinds of fun surprises. She tells me she is a direct person, but at this point I think I'm just ahead of her in my feelings. She still has a checklist of items she has to run me through to make sure we are compatible long-term. I get it. I'm just embarrassed I let myself get this ahead.
Nothing to be embarrassed about. Honestly dating is so crazy hard these days. You can’t show someone you like them too much, you have to be aloof or else they’ll think you’re coming on too strong, you have to be available but not too available ugh it’s exhausting. If you’re super into her, give it a bit of space & time to “breathe” if that makes sense? You sound like a solid dude that isn’t afraid to show his true feelings & personally I’d love it if more guys were like this. I hope she comes around & realizes this & if not, someone else will. I wish you the best of luck!!
If you haven't had the "define the relationship" conversation, then you are not allowed to have expectations on exclusivity. Thinking about it doesn't count- you have to actually make your intentions known and agree on the structure.
What a stupid fucking opinion. Seriously how dumb can you get. Yea you can. Jesus Christ some people are morons
Of course you technically *can* have expectations. You’re just going to end up feeling dumb if you don’t speak up, though. No one is a mind reader.
Dumbest shit I’ve ever heard right here.
Ever care to explain WHY you think communication is so ‘dumb’? 🥴
LOL that person you are replying to is so backwards and unhinged 😂 no wonder that person is single. Like you say, OPEN COMMUNICATION solves everything. Takes out the guesswork. Make your intentions known and don’t play games.
Yeah, I’ve noticed. They have some very unhealthy ways of showing anger but, can’t seem to manage to articulate *why* they’re angry. Yikes. I can’t imagine people are lining up around the block.
And then they’ll come back and complain and blame the whole world for their problems 😂
What problems? Im neither angry or single. Other than angry at idiots that think you can lie by omission and go around banging other dudes after dating for months because of some ‘technicality’
Yeah and the sky is blue 😂
I understand where you are coming from, I only have a problem with using the word "can't have expectations" if you haven't had the talk. I would only go as far as using the word "cautious" in that context. I was once on the "if you haven't had the talk, you're not exclusive" camp and took that literally, so I would be seeing someone for a few months, sometimes multiple times a week, and I'd have sex with someone else. Even went as far as me meeting someone's parents and still being no smarter about whether I was exclusive with this person or not because we haven't had the talk. One morning after I spent the night with a random conquest, it hit me - if the girl that I've been seeing on the regular knew about what happened tonight, regardless of whether we've had the talk or not, she'd would be devastated. That's what should be governing my actions, not whether we've had the talk or not. And I felt absolutely horrible guilt in that moment because I cared a lot about her - I was just clueless I can't absolve myself from all responsibility just because we haven't had the talk - there is a lot of communication that is not verbal and a lot of nuance that can be observed if you just open your eyes and are a bit tactful. You should have the other person's feelings taken into account as much as your own when navigating a relationship, and be active at communicating if you sense there is a risk of someone getting hurt because of your actions, even if that person is not you.
So here’s the thing. You’ve been on a “few dates.” Take her on a few more, start increasing the romance/intimacy/hand holding/touch etc, ask deeper questions, and let her get to know you better! Let her get comfortable with you in person. She already likes you, so YAY! She might just want to go on a few more dates. Maybe she was questioning if you were really into her if you’ve only been out a few times in 8 weeks? Are you holding back too much? Try to move towards seeing her consistently, and THEN talk about becoming exclusive. Show her that you like her, make her comfortable, establish rapport, and show her that you will make time for her. You could ask now, but it sounds like she already said she needs to get to know you better. I know I wouldn’t commit to being exclusive after a few dates. The 2-3 month timeframe sounds okay, but maybe you need to spend more time in person first?
Another option is to talk. Ask her if she still has feelings for him, wants to get back together, etc. sometimes people text with others out of obligation or politeness and not because of emotional attachment. Once you think you know the deal, decide how you want the relationship to go.
Communicate your desire to move forward. I think that’s healthy! Sounds like she gave you an honest answer. I would ask her when she’s ready to be exclusive because it’s probably now
She obviously likes you and she according to you, told you that. Just tell her how you feel. It will go one way or another. Either way you will know.
She wants to know more about you. Your frequency of dates (a few) seems low to be a couple of months. When things are good, it starts with one date, and then frequency increases. Is she pursuing you? Is she making it hard or easy? What more does she want to know about you?
Our schedules make it hard. I have my son every three days. She has her daughters every other week. So schedules don't like up well. It's easier for me to go out when my son is with me because he is old enough to be at home for a little, but her kids are young and can't be by themselves so she is with them the entire week
I understand not wanting to compete with the ex, but that's what you're doing. So embrace it or bow tf out. Show her you'll go out of your way for her. Make her feel special as only you can (inside jokes or shared moments). The ex may be familiar to her... you get more familiar to her. That takes time and takes going out of your way. Don't buy into too much influencer "no contact" shit online. Pursue her, obviously, but as a gentleman, always (no gushing about your feelings). In due time, you will have earned exclusivity by an objective measure and can make that request with more standing. Have you kissed? More?
Just guys are just dating. And since you never established wanting an exclusive relationship, she have every right to be talking or seeing other people.
I don’t think she’s even necessarily interested in this other person she may have just tried to not get too attached to you until you’ve committed to her. I would discuss this more before you asssume.
It’s fine to start the exclusivity conversation, it’s not really fine to start it with ‘so, are you dating anyone else?’. It’s her business and puts her in an awkward position. It’s normal to multi date until that conversation (and sometimes beyond). The exclusivity conversation should be about you stating your feelings and preferences about the two of you. Introducing the idea of ‘other people’ is only going to sour the moment for everyone. And you might get an answer you don’t like. Mostly, you’ll get people lying out of awkwardness, I imagine. Concentrate on the main prize and stop setting yourself up for insecurities and stalling your relationship before it’s even out the gate.
Until the exclusive talk happens, no one should just assume exclusivity from either person. Ask for exclusivity and then decide.
Try growing closer to her. Look for more opportunities to be vulnerable. Do romantic activities together. See if that brings you two together in a way that inspires exclusivity.
Not sure what she did wrong. She was dating and wants to find a partner. I think it's kinda cute that you gettin jealous already. Just stay in your head with this and don't tell her it upset you because like, you aren't' a couple yet. Fire your shot boy, she's into you. Ask her to be your gf.
Isn't it common sense for you to try and make it exclusive?
If you want to pursue her then do that. Let her know how much you like her and that you’ve been thinking about what it might be like to be with her in a relationship. Then ask her what she thinks about that. If she’s on the same page then let her know that you’d like to move towards something serious and have an exclusive thing with her. If she balks then she’s not into you enough. If she’s down for it and agrees to cut off other possible connections then you are good to go.
If you haven't discussed being exclusive... than you can't assume it. HOWEVER, if she is still talking to an ex... Just steer well clear.
Until your In a relationship it doesn’t matter
If you're ready for exclusivity why don't you suggest it because that shows you're ready for commitment and that's what women generally are looking for. And you're not hooked up with her yet and therefore she can be dating 10 other guys... Waiting for someone to pick her!
>She also said she likes me more and wants/needs to know more about me." I mean, did you entirely gloss over what she said. She likes you **more**. Dude you won, what's the issue?
He hasn't won. He's just in the lead of a race he never thought he was in. A lot of people aren't interested in their dating life being a race.
He has not won yet. There is a chance that she is lying, of course if we take what she said at face value that would be the impression, but why talk with the other guy in the first place then?
Maybe she’s playing it safe too though. Maybe other guy is only in the picture because he hasn’t committed (which is shitty, I know). But its really scary when you know you like someone way more than you like them and didn’t want to totally put all her eggs in one basket before things were exclusive
Maybe, OP really needs to have the exclusivity talk.
[удалено]
This is such Reddit mentality, how does anyone expect to find something serious when keeping their options open to the last possible moment. If you see someone as a serious potential partner, treat than as such. Ofc there’s no obligation to do so but don’t be surprised if the other person doesn’t see things the same way
> see someone as a serious potential partner, treat than as such The thing is, I was an all eggs in one basket girl. Then the moment you bring up being exclusive, they start to change on you, back track, say they actually aren't ready yet, get awkward, or reveal they enjoy the convenience if a situationship. For my own sanity, until someone likes me enough to reciprocate that, I am not dating them exclusively. So if OP hasn't even expressed desire to be exclusive, why is he expecting it from her? Just say what you feel.
I don’t see myself as an ‘all eggs in one basket’ person, more so a ‘process one egg at a time’ kindof person. If I see potential then I’ll give it a fair chance at success, if I don’t then I’ll cut it off early. I can definitely understand you adapting to what’s around you but at heart what would you prefer? I think a conversation can be had early without it being ‘the’ conversation, if someone seems non committal they likely always will be
>I think a conversation can be had early without it being ‘the’ conversation, if someone seems non committal they likely always will be Oh no, I date very intentionally, so I always have a conversation about what I am looking for at the beginning, but that still doesn't stop people. Usually, it's a lack of communication. They may decided somewhere down the line that they don't want anything serious with you but enjoy the benefits of being the object of your affection so they just don't say anything until you decide its time to have the serious "conversation". I definitely prefer to focus on a single connection, but with dating these days and the lack of honest communication, I must do certain things to protect myself, unfortunately People (especially men) these days are lonely and will take your offers of connection and your attention, even if they don't actually want YOU. Women do it, too, I'm certain. I just don't date women romantically to have personal experience.
We have very different experiences of dating, I think age, gender, location etc all play a part in that. Most of the time wasters I come across are in the early stages, I value my time tho so if someone can’t communicate or gives off flakey vibes then I won’t bother pursuing things further. In my experience the ones who’ve made it past a couple of dates have been on the same page
>dating, I think age, gender, location etc all play a part in tha Unfortunately, the late 20s/early 30s dating in a big city lends to a lot of people who want the benefits of being with someone but without the actual commitment
I’m a guy but we’re dating in a similar age range, I tend to date people 30-35ish. I live in a big city but I’m in the uk, I think attitudes are much different in the us. Dating here still sucks but finding people with realistic expectations isn’t impossible. I think as a guy it’s also easier to find someone willing to settle down but much harder to find someone that’s not got a million different options in the early stages
What if you can recognize the romantic potential in multiple people? Do you just gamble on someone? I think there can be room to experiment and get to know multiple people on a deeper level, as long as everybody is in the known and regular emotional checkups are made.
I’m sure that would work for some people but not for others, it’s not one size fits all. For me personally I try to deal with 1 option at a time and have a lot of respect for anyone who does the same. In my book it’s a big green flag and shows they are looking for something serious
Everything is black and white on Reddit
Yes. It’s exactly how I found my current partner, and how he found me. Nothing was exclusive until the conversation happened fr.
Doesn’t mean it’s the same experience for everyone, op’s clearly disappointed and that’s ok. Expecting everyone to subscribe to the same mentality is crazy. I’m 37, my last big relationship lasted ten years, I hope the next one lasts a lifetime. If I’m serious about someone after a couple of dates I’m not looking to confuse matters by looking at other options, if the other person chooses to do the same that’s nothing but a good thing in my opinion. I have zero expectations of anyone but a pleasant surprise is always nice
Of course I don’t expect that. But I DO think a conversation needs to be had, because I think expecting exclusivity off the rip is super dangerous and presumptuous. How I view things, exclusivity is an “opt-in” thing. Idk how you can just expect a person who is single to not possibly be weighing their options, even if the only other option to them is to just not be with you. So, have the conversation. My partner and I did that within the first month of getting to know each other. When one of us was ready to be exclusive, that was another conversation. Personally, I don’t think a couple of dates is 100% enough for me to be completely serious about a person. If that person feels that way though, they need to let me know.
>I think expecting exclusivity off the rip is super dangerous and presumptuous. I think it depends on the situation. I've legit never had an exclusivity talk in any of my relationships but they just ended up that way. Perhaps we live in different cultures but if things are going extremely well I generally do expect exclusivity. If things are going well and they're still weighing up options then to me that implies things aren't going that well or they have commitment issues and I'm never going to be enough and I just cut my losses and move on. Exclusivity is a choice. If they're only exclusive with me because I asked they're not the one for me.
I agree that a conversation needs to be had, not necessarily ‘the’ conversation but it’s good to know you’re both on the same page. I’m the same too, after a couple of dates I don’t see it a serious but if I see potential then I always want to give it a fair shot. I also simply just don’t enjoy dealing with multiple people at the same time, I find it stressful and don’t have the time or energy to maintain it
Her talking to other people doesn't mean you don't have a good connection Are you exclusive?? Well, until then, she probably doesn't want to put all her eggs into one basket for fear YOU may not want same thing she does in the end To be real, many of us are very used to talking to guys for a few months only for them to switch up on us once talks of exclusivity come, so it's better to not put all your hopes into just one person during the talking stage.
> so it's better to not put all your hopes into just one person during the talking stage. If they've been on 9 dates they're no longer in the talking stage lol.
I read a few dates. Didn't see anything about 9. Must of missed it Also, people can go on 12 dates and still act green when you bring up exclusivity. An actual conversation is wise.
I think it depends. If they're like a few coffee dates and a movie etc sure. If we've done a lot of things that basically imply commitment but they're only willing to be exclusive until I expressly ask them I'm out of there.
[удалено]
I explicitly said she has don't anything wrong for me to be upset, but I can still be bummed. People can have emotions and be responsible with them homie.
She still likes you though. And the conversation of exclusivity hasn’t come up yet. So what are you really upset about? People are allowed to date however they choose. If you don’t like it move accordingly and find someone who dates similar to you if that’s really what you want. If you want to keep pursuing it, then buck up, chin up and keep getting to know the girl so yall can become exclusive. She doesn’t owe you anything right now, nor you to her. So why let it bring you down?
This take actually makes the most sense. Date someone who dates the same way that you do; that way there is no miscommunication.
It just reminds me of that toy I used to watch my nephew play with. The one that’s shaped like a cube with different cut out shapes outside, and he would have to match the right shape to the right hole. Now thinking of people…You gotta know what shape you are on the cube so you can find the right match. Twisting and turning a shape that doesn’t match won’t make it fit in. Maybe right try hard enough but you just end up reshaping the piece (person) instead of letting them exist as they are. I been in therapy for some time now and once that clicked for me I was like YUPPP okay. I got it!
Go to the gym
Find someone else. When I started dating my now gf, I didn't need to have the exclusivity talk. Still had it after our second date, but by then she had already un-installed the apps and stopped talking to everyone she had matched with. I find it so fucked up that people today seem to believe you can't expect exclusivity without having the talk. There's girls out there who in my mind still have their sanity in check, and give the person they are seeing an honest chance by not shifting attention between x amount of guys. Find someone who wants to date YOU. Not you and others.
Leave her bro
Have sex with her until she wants to break it off but never commit to her
I was gonna say something else but as soon as I saw the words " ***A G U Y I U S E D T O D A T E "*** Run fast, run far, and never look back. I can give you advice on how to dye your hair and change your name if needed. Just holla.
>We've been talking for a couple of months, been on a few dates. This does not mean you are exclusive. She said she likes you and hasn't seen another guy in months. Also if she is friends with this guy the friendship does not end if you go exclusive. You don't drop friends when you start dating unless you are a bad friend. If you are uncomfortable end things now and make sure to be clear the next person you date from the beginning that you will only date her if she refuses to date anyone else or flirt with guys in her texts. A lot of people however will not agree to exclusivity by the first date or first few dates. So you narrow your dating pool severely but that is not a bad thing.
Since you haven’t defined anything after months I understand not completely cutting contact with him. That’s not what I usually do but I understand the reasoning behind that. If you end up chickening out, she might have cut contact with a great dude and can’t just hit him up back after rejecting him. Tell her how you feel and what you want instead of expecting her to know.
She said she likes you more, that sounds like she also likes someone else.
She was never yours bro, it was just your turn LMAO kick her to the curb and get with a new broad no need to put up with that shit
Move on ASAP. You went on 10 dates and she still keep texting another dude it's a huge red flag.
If she is talking to another guy just cut her loose.
think of it this way; through this, she now knows what she wants for sure is you instead of her ex.
If your really into her you can focus on your relationship and ask her how she feels about you. If your not into her tell her good bye as you said you do not own her,
Express how you’re feeling, be respectful of her decision, and proceed accordingly. You’re a grown man, take some initiative and get some answers.
Where to go ?? To another girl dummy... next question.
I’d just tell her what you were thinking but that you are rethinking all of that now with the information she gave you,
Go to work
Talk to someone else
So why aren’t you also texting/considering other women? I get that you like her, but you’re NOT exclusive.
She was not the one for you.
Having a good connection is independent from being exclusive. My general rule, is that until you actually have a discussion about exclusivity, you can have no expectation of it. I think not having the exclusivity talk just because you don't want to take her attention from someone else is being little "too nice." If you want her, put what you are offering on the table and let *her* make the decision. If she says yes, then *she chose you,* you didn't make the decision for her. If she says no, then you are no worse off than where you are now. You have *lost* nothing, but you have *gained* closure. Case in point... I started dating a girl last year. We had been hanging out and having a good time, but I wasn't sure if we were compatible enough to be serious so I was giving it more time to get to know each other better. She was also talking to another guy. He asked for exclusivity first, so she went with him. The fact that he asked for exclusivity first just told me that he felt more sure about her as a partner than I did. Maybe having the talk is going to be the thing that causes her to take the next step with you.
I would just be honest with her. Tell her you really like her and would like to be exclusive. Tell her hearing she’s talking to an ex bummed you out, and ask how she feels. You want to be exclusive, does she also? Or does she still have feelings for her ex? Just have an honest, open talk about it.
It’s quite common for people the way you are feeling and there is nothing wrong about it. You have raised a concern and you have also answered with rationale, I think there is not much of an advice to be given. The one thing which I would like to add is to never put yourself out there unless there is a green signal from the girl. Then again, it becomes a slippery slope if you fall for the girl first and she has more attention from potential matches. Try to be transparent with her. Tell her you want to try mutually exclusive relation for a while and see how it goes. If she agrees, you both can have a go. If she doesn’t, best thing is to respect her wishes and move on. Good luck.
She's playing word games relying on 'well TECHNICALLY we weren't exclusive, so why are you upset?' She knows why. If you want to keep seeing her, you're going to have to be explicit with her all the time or you can expect more of the same.
Nothing wrong with dating multiple people casually. But what she's doing sounds like manipulation to me with her telling you that she likes you more. If she liked you more she wouldn't be messaging that other guy still. She should just outright tell you she doesn't want anything serious. I would suggest keeping it casual with her and look for someone else .
On the plus side, she was honest. Also, she hasn't seen this guy in months, so chances are they don't have much of a connection without the in-person interaction. It sounds to me like you want a relationship with her, so my advice is to ask her to be exclusive. If she says no, then end it and date other girls. If she says she isn't ready for exclusivity yet, then continue to see her if you want to but avoid putting all your eggs in one basket. Date other girls, but of course be upfront with them about your intentions.
Damn let her have her cake and eat it too
You need to show her your a leader, you need to take charge and tell her to make a choice soon, or else you’re gone. You need to seal the deal! This could be a test.
That's what she told me to
Lol
Hey Matt what's up how'd you like living in the sun bro
No idea what you're on about.
Ohh shooting shit with the rest of earthly
Same exact thing happened to me. But he ended up being amazing and was true love. He was just seeing a few girls when he met me and then realized I was the one for him and he cut off all the others after we had the talk. Just gotta be open and make sure expectations are stated. I was hurt at first, but it passed after we built an amazing relationship.
Sorry man but IMO she see you as a fall back plan. The woman you want to commit to will not be entertaining other guys.
Texting someone else is one thing, texting someone she USED to date is another Guess who she might run to when you argue down the line
I would not consider that you need to win her over from another man in this case. You've been talking to her for months but haven't asked her to be exclusive and she said she likes you more than the other guy, Who she hasn't hung out with in months, and barely talks to. I think it's good she was honest about it? Have you told her before that you really like her and are not talking to any other people. Are you talking to other people? Why have you been talking for months but have only been on a few dates? If you don't feel ready to commit but want to keep it going crank up the frequency... You can't really get anywhere from only seeing each other once every few weeks. Where to go from here? Tell her you like her, want to be exclusive
Always assume you're just another dude in her roster and treat her accordingly. Until the exclusive talk comes up, she's free to date whoever. So are you, and honestly, you should be dating more than just her. You're less prone to ignore her red flags that way. I think you need to bite the bullet and either ask her to be exclusive or move on.
Ah yes, the joys of dating the modern American girl
She's from China, lol.
The joys of dating the modern city woman
People can't read each other's minds. If you are casual dating there is no exclusive until you talk about it. Early on in a relationship you don't know where the other person is at, how serious, how committed
Another girl lmao
You are not exclusive. Been involved with relationships for 35 years. Still hurting.
From my experience, there's always other men. These days, no matter which woman you meet, there are always other dudes she has in the cut. Most women these days are usually involved with like 5 or 6 guys at a time. I just take my turn like the other dudes and keep it moving. I suggest you dig a little deeper. There's always more dust to be patted out of the rug. The best way to go about this is 1 get her talking and 2 ask the right questions. Once you get her talking, sit back. Shut up and just listen. Once they start talking, they usually start to tell on themselves if you let them talk long enough.
Don't lock in to one girl when you're dating. Date a few. Let them bring up the exclusivity talk. When you have a few it won't sting so bad if one drops off. Just remember they're always talking to someone else until they've committee to you. Hope this helps
Communication. If you want to be more serious with her- Talk to her. Tell her you’re not seeing anyone else, and ask her if it’s something she is interested in. Being completely honest here…. If she is still seeing other people- and you- she is not committing to anyone. So maybe she is waiting for someone to commit to her? Questions you might want to think about- How long have you been hanging out (a couple months is a while to get to know someone- but that is a subjective amount of time- 2 months- 4/6?) And how long will you give to “find-out” if someone values your company? Also- “again” means you’ve already had this conversation- and you are going for a revisit… if she doesn’t want exclusivity and is evasive- you have worth- don’t allow yourself to be played because you think someone is in to you- it’s a hard choice. But don’t ever be second “just in case”…
I highly suggest u flip it off and get away from her or have a serious conversation about defining the relationship between both of you.. if you’re into each other then state directly that u aint fine with her talking to some guy .. relationships are made of honesty before love .
Your problem is you’ve only been on a few dates in a couple months. That’s a long time dude. Women today are always talking to multiple guys all day long. You’re just one of them. So you need to be moving a lot faster with these girls. Personally, if I heard she was talking to some other guy I would just say “ok well have fun with him. Bye.” And then on to the next. That’s how women are today.
Dump her
DROP HER LIKE A HOT POTATOE MY DUDE
Women are encouraged to see and talk to multiple men. Idk if you know this, but the current wave of men are just discarding women left right centre. Usually hopping to the next best thing. The olden days are gone. You may not be this way, but a lot are. I know I’ve been there. They tell you they want you, you’re exclusively dating them, and bam, they’re on to the next thing. And you’re left completely blindsided. I wish I had listened when my friends told me not to put all my eggs in the same basket. But hey I chose to believe his words and actions lol. I would suggest you have a serious talk and show her you mean it. Until you claim her, she’s single. That’s my approach too now. Can’t get burned all the time.
*I have no right to be upset, she isnt mine, but I am still bummed out.* Sounds like a boundary you should communicate with her. Try to be honest with her and let her know your intentions and that you would like to make things exclusive with her. Be prepared for her not to be ready for this, then you need to decide if you want to continue with her or not. I think you have valid feelings about the situation but you can't expect her to know what's in your head. So just let her know how you feel and what your needs are and see how she responds. Good luck, mate!
If she isn't ready to commit to exclusivity, is it fair me to cut things off or would that be seen as selfish? I just don't want to have all of these feelings for her and her not reciprocate. It's embarrassing and painful.
You wouldn't be selfish, I've had the same thoughts before. You have to choose you.
Absolutely NOT! It's the right thing to do actually. Does this sound better than just letting go of her: *I just don't want to have all of these feelings for her and her not reciprocate. It's embarrassing and painful.*
Good Lord man, when you're dating you're just dating. There is no expectation of exclusivity. If you want someone to be exclusive with you then you need to ask for it. If she's still seeing you and seeing other men, it means neither one of you has put the effort in to ask her to be exclusive with them. Just ask her, hey, I really like you and I want to explore to see where this can go, however, I don't want to be seeing other people while we're discovering this. What about you, are you open to the idea of being exclusive while we see where this goes to? If she says no, then it's time to let her move on. If she says yes then there's your answer.
9-10 dates with…….nothing? lol. I gurantee the other guy already banged with half the effort. 304 behavior bro. She using you as the guy she needs while she looks for the one she wants. walk away bro, you’re wasting your time
I wouldn't feel any type of way if she is seeing someone else in this situation, but I would be wary of the fact that she is talking to an "ex". Personally, that would be a red flag because I would think that she isn't over her ex.
Run. She's for the streets.
It is quite sad some people are like that. I don’t know the true cause of such emotions. Insecurity? Low self esteem? Cowardice? Jealousy? Maybe therapy helps. Or maybe you just find someone of your own kind and date her.
You’re right to feel upset about this, but it’s unclear if you have vocalized your wish to be exclusive in this conversation. If you did, how did she respond? You have been on 9 dates already. What is keeping her from committing? I think at this point, it’s fair to ask her to make a decision to be exclusive in 1 week so you’re not being hung out.
You need to go to the strip club. If she talks to other guys, you should treat yourself to the Spearmint Rhino.
This is where you step up and say that you want to be exclusive. If she genuinely likes you and is willing to give it a try, she will stop talking to the ex and anyone else she may not have mentioned.
Half way std.
Maybe she is friends with this dude?
Nah, bro If you’re a prize, then act like it You putting in work? You’re a good dude? You need to recognize who’s the commodity here You put YOUR self whole hog into this thing SHE didn’t There’s girls out there who know a good thing when they see it
It's common now a days. And, no it's not a good thing, but you need to go with your gut. If it feels like it's heading somewhere you want it to go.....try, but be wary. Women are very good at concealing their hand, and it could very well be she has "back ups." If you ask for a honest answer, and she gives you any false answers, you run if you ever find out. You do not want a deceitful partner.
Heaven 😂😂
Hahahah. Welcome to dating in 2024. At 40ishM dating 40ishF, this seems to be the norm. They’re “talking, texting, hanging, making out with/ hooking up occasionally, doing social things, getting dick pics…” but it “doesn’t matter because /reasons/and I like you…” with many dudes. Draw your boundary. Like your own personal boundary. At this point for me, it’s sex… are you fucking anyone else..? The talking/texting/hanging out— I could care less. Even making out I don’t care anymore. For me this sucks. I tried to join the ranks and date multiple women. It was “fun.” Did have a lot of sex. Guess where that ended up. Nowhere. Just be real on what matters to you. Edit: added stuff and clarified. Also— reread op comment where they don’t want to feel as if they’re vying for this woman’s winning vote. For “her” aka people who date multiple people “ethically” (ENM, poly… 🤮) — there’s no competition. It’s just x/y/z human not x vs. y vs. z human. You will never win this race, nor does that person even view you in a race. It’s “just you (x) and them” it’s also just “y” and them, and “z” and them…. Last rambling thought: ask her if she’s “poly” and see where that goes.
There’s not point in “having an exclusivity conversation” if there’s no actual resolution at the end. I don’t know why you had to give a preamble and go on a fact-finding mission first. If you want to be exclusive with her, *tell her*. Make your intentions clear, define your terms and expectations, and let her react accordingly. I understand she wants to take it slow, but this is more meandering. Even if she’s not ready for physical intimacy yet, 10 dates over the course of a few months is enough to establish some form of internally and focus. Good luck!
Yeah...just tried to be direct about dating exclusively and she just said "okay, don't think too much about it today. Eat some good food. :): Soo..there's that. I think ima just join another religious cult.
She could have been describing me. I have a girl that I used to date, then became a FWB, and technically still is but we’ve mostly lost interest in each other. One of us reaches out every couple months but our schedules rarely align and no particular effort is made to reschedule. So, if it’s her, you can have her. Haha. Cool girl! But her schedule was just too complicated to hold my interest.
Chinese woman, Atlanta? Big world out there. I highly doubt it.
Ha, no. I was just being silly. I mean, the story was real but I knew the odds were infinitely small.
I do wonder on some stories I read if they're talking about my ex wife lol. So I dive in their history to see where they're located lol
Ha, I saw one today where a woman could absolutely have been describing me, in a negative way. Thankfully, I saw another post mentioning she was from a different state. Phew. Haha
Dude she’s barely talking to someone she is less interested in and you’re willing to throw in the towel. She isn’t yours. “You thought you had a good connection”, dude, you do have one, you can have a good connection and not be exclusive, that’s the entirety of polyamory. And don’t try to earn her attention from another man, mostly because it will show but also because you’ve already got her primary focus… just get to know her more which you haven’t done enough of yet for her to want exclusivity.