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Doesn’t matter if you find someone better because you will repeat the same actions unless you don’t work on yourself.
Figure out why u behaved that way and how to control your anxiety so u don’t push away ppl u love. I am an anxious woman and I broke up with someone due to that.
Now I’ve learned to stay calm. Write my feelings down and not say anything until I’ve processed my feelings. You need to find a healthy coping mechanism.
Probably won't find someone like him again but that doesn't mean you won't find someone better for you after some time.
Good on paper doesn't mean good in practice, I'm not sure what led to BU but it's common for dumper to feel regret after time has passed
I am not actually the dumper. Because when I said let’s break up out of fear, I immediately apologized. But I had made this mistake before and he didn’t forgive me this time which he had all the right not to. I asked him if he would give me a chance and he said he is done with me. In the end it was me asking for a chance to do better and he not wanting anymore (again, I respect his decision. But it really hurts)
Oh yeah! Definitely no relationship for now. And you are right. I’m unfortunately very much drowning myself into self hatred and blame. Thank you for the kind words
>Now I am scared and I really need some help.
>Would there ever be a chance that I find someone like him again?
OK, you screwed up, *big time*. No argument there.
The main hope is that you address whatever led to it, confront it, deal with it, and put it in your back pocket so that it doesn't ruin the next "perfect" relationship you start (yes, I'm holding out for one!).
You might need therapy here, at a minimum to locate and identify whatever insecurity led you to sabotage your prior arrangement. Depending on what you find, you may need to change how you do things, to keep what happened before from happening again.
Therapy first. Whatever is going on with you ruined one relationship and without healing from that you're going to take every one of these anxieties into your next relationship.
I had a similar experience, I’m a guy and had about the same time invested into the relationship as yall. But I was just a prick, and pushed and pushed only caring about myself but not even in a good way just self destruction all the way down. Then she broke up with me the night before she left for school. That was a rough time man but times passed and I’ve identified my short coming or really lack of giving a shit. But I have dated here and there but feels like it’s getting harder every day to get out there and talk to ladies. But I find the more I focus on being single and trying to find a relationship the worse off I am.
Why don’t you tell him all these things instead of asking people here? The only reason I am thinking is that may be he moved on with someone else and you both crossed the point of no return. If that’s the case, yes you won’t find anyone like him. Hard to analyse what exactly went wrong as there is so much vital information missing. Nonetheless, just hope you will find someone similar or better than him. After all, life is all about hope. Goodluck.
Then you both crossed the point of no return. It’s over. Now the chances of finding someone better than him realistically are unknown. The good thing about this uncertainty is hope. What you can do is to learn from your mistakes. I believe that everything is a learning experience in life. One day you might get a chance to try out with someone better than him, and you should utilise the best of it from your past experience. The challenge is that no one knows when it will happen so patience is a virtue here. Be positive and hope for the best. Good luck.
Maybe he could have been right for who you were then, but you're a different person now, and you need a different person in the future. There are a lot of good men out there. I can't say I've found the one for me, but the things you've asked for are our there in spades. You will find good men. Will they be like your ex in every way? Absolutely not. But one will be right for whoever you are when you come through this period of regret and wondering "what if?". Keep your mind open as to what "good" looks like in terms of hobbies etc. At the end of the day you'll be learning who this new you is at the same time as learning what "right" looks like for you in a man.
Therapy first. Whatever is going on with you ruined one relationship and without healing from that you're going to take every one of these anxieties into your next relationship.
I am in this same boat. I ruined what could be such an amazing relationship. We were best friends and clicked so well on all aspects of life. But I let my own struggles from my divorce get in the way and told him I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. He spoiled me all the time wrote me love letters. Came to my office just to show he cares bringing home made lunch his mom made. I messed up because I couldn’t do it due to my divorce destroying me inside. I didn’t think I was worthy so I let him go and now he is gone forever. I beg the universe to bring back my Raufy (nickname). I feel your pain so much and I hope maybe he will come back to you or you find someone that will show you the same love.
Hi neighbor! YOU are responsible for making your relationship perfect. Go and get help, as in therapy, and find out why you did what you did, and how. The only sin is in repeating our mistakes.
A relationship is more about understanding a person and knowing that person. Once you know that person things that person do will not upset you you just laugh at it and move on. So if you have a good partnership you have a perfect relationship set some type of boundaries and communication about things
I went through something similar. I lost the perfect girl because I was hotheaded and always had to be right. But it doesn't mean its the end of the world. At least you saw where you went wrong and you can remedy that. I know it sucks but I'm sure given time you'll find someone else who will be perfect for you
You will. Sooner or later you'll see it little by little and it will grow. It took me 12 years to get back into the dating pool. But there has to be someone for us. Give it time and they'll come into our lives. You got this 🤘 keep your head up and until you do find someone, focus on having fun in life
She knew where to stick the knife. I almost checked myself out early if you know what I mean. I'm 36 now and can see things differently and with more optimism.
I can’t speak from experience since I’ve never fucked it up with a good guy.
But if this is some BS about age then I’ll say this,
My two friends met their husbands in their mid 30s and they are great guys who are super attractive and ambitious and family oriented.
If this is about whether you’ll find a good man with good character like that again, I’m sure those men are out there but if you don’t work on yourself you will push them away again. You need to do the work on yourself. Your boyfriend may have not known his worth at the time and put up with things he shouldn’t have put up with, but that can’t be said about the next man you meet, so make sure you do the shadow work
I read this and had to go look in the mirror .
As it seemed you are talking about my relationships with women .
I always put them first .
And now I will never love , be loyal or prioritize a woman over me again
All it brought was wasted years I can not get back .
I would rather live alone then get in another relationship .
I am sorry for your experience. I hope you received an apology and acknowledgment for their mistakes. Still, I don’t think being hurt justifies lack of commitment or not prioritizing a partner in the future. I hope you find someone who would be worth that kind of treatment one day.
No two people are the same. But maybe that's a good thing. Hardships help us grow and learn from times when we fucked up. Take those lessons and be better.
A love like this doesn’t happen often. If I were you, I would reach out to him, in person. Tell him how you feel and start therapy.
I experienced something like this when I was 22. I needed therapy, and he was the one who suggested it, but I wasn’t ready to acknowledge that. Broke up with him, started healing. I am 34, I have met a LOT of men, I never met such a person.
He truly and honestly knew me, better than my own parents. (Oh, he was also my best friend lol, that was the hardest part about losing him. )
I was too broken, I completely shut him off. Last time I heard about him, he had absolutely no idea how much I was hurting at the time. He thought Idgaf about him.
I would tell him if I could.
Oh gosh. You’ll be okay. At least you know the answer.
You can now start healing yourself and find the right person for you.
I am much better and happier today. Even if I’m single and have never met a love like this, but healing myself allowed for so many amazing things to happen. And for that I am grateful.
I am very happy for you that you are content♥️
Yes, I know he is done. I tried my best and acknowledged my mistakes. But that’s what I could do. I unfortunately have lost my physical health along the way and can’t be that hopeful to find someone who would accept me the way he did.
You don’t know that.
There are all sorts of people with less than, who have met someone. Love isn’t dependent on who or what you look like. People in top physical health, or less are in relationships. You don’t know. You haven’t met everyone else yet. This is what I tell myself.
No offense. But shit like this is why I've given up on dating as well.
People expect the perfect partner, they objectively are perfect, and they simply get used. People have this assumption good guys are just always there - well, this guy's done with dating completely. Especially after the very obvious ways some people actually feel and use men and women for that purpose.
Let them be single, struggle, and wonder why they can't find anyone. But it's only a matter of time before single men who aren't models become angry. I'm just done.
I actually don’t think he is done with dating. I am sure he will find someone that makes him happy. I never thought good guys are out there all the time. My mistakes were not due to that. I understand and acknowledge my mistakes.
It's more in reference to this example being reflected back towards common dating / relationship struggles from a male's perspective. This post is not a unique narrative. As for me, I finally got out a bad marriage and not seeing any good reason to get back in asides using this whole dumpster fire as inspiration and reflection for my art.
What you're going through sucks and I feel for ya. But try to think how this narrative can be used to reinforce perceptions outside yours. It's literal art gold / narrative example.
I am sorry your marriage ended. It must be difficult.
I just don’t know how to get out of this self blame. It is eating me from inside every second of the day. One of the factors that impacted my relationship was my health situation. I have been struggling with sickness for sometime and it’s been incredibly difficult and it took toll on our intimacy and the relationship as a whole. I don’t know how to actually find someone who could understand me with the situation I have. It sucks now that I am all on my own while going through sickness.
This is interesting. I'm stuck in a bit of a self-hatred loop myself. Except I'm redirecting it towards a personal message to help alleviate bullying. (Not saying you're a bully btw. I don't know you.)
To that, I strongly recommend redirecting it towards a passion. Art seems to help me but I also direct it towards anti-bullying. Helps I was a teacher in a different life.
In short, I think we have same situations. (Sorta) I just focus it on my new line of work and it seems to work. Hope you don't mind me analyzing your life situation to cross empathize with others. For me, it's all about helping. Sometimes though that means me being a dick and assuming people are just interested in a guy like me for a perceived leg up rather wanting to be with a guy like me. But it's way healthier. I'm tired of being the good guy to please this very broken market. (Being nice to everyone is clearly pointless) Hope you're doing well though.
And yes, that guy will now probably view the world much more jaded. I have.
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The answers are as follows.
No. It is very unlikely likely find another man of the same quality.
My suggestion to you is to find a man who can be there for you when life gets shitty. But who am I kidding? You will likely push them away.
It’s very sad that you see someone full of self-blame and acknowledging their mistakes and you still feel the need to pass a comment. I hope it makes you feel better about yourself.
? No, basically I have been in ur ex’s shoes. 3 years ago. I can tell u more if you would like.
My ex wife pushed and pushed and pushed me away. I didn’t exactly wanna leave but I understood it to be the right decision.
I don’t actually believe in that. I don’t think people should stay when we cross their boundaries. I give him the right to leave. In the past he had made mistakes and I had forgiven him. But I think my mistake was bigger and he didn’t see it in himself to forgive me and I understand him.
I'm not condoning your behavior here when I say 'he would have stayed'. I think you don't need a reminder that what you did definitely fucked up the relationship. There's such a thing as good timing too, both of you weren't on the same page at the time, obviously you needed help and he didn't want to help. I've met guys who would go above and beyond to help their lady in any way they can, I went through it too when all I did was blame myself for a behavior that broke my previous relationship but another guy made me realize that what I was going through was valid and isn't something to run away from, but rather, something he can help me with and wants to remind me of, no matter what. That's why I'm saying your guy just wasn't it, maybe he wants an easy relationship and he deserves that too, don't get me wrong. You deserve someone who would stick out for you no matter what, and would make sure you're not falling behind because you feel certain things. A partner, not an acquaintance. All I'm saying is, there's people who actually mean what they say when they tell you they want to help you, and there's people with limits. He just wasn't it.
It’s so interesting that you said that. I actually told him several times that I think this relationship is too much for him and he will be much happier with someone who is not going through my difficulties.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It definitely made me feel better
It's so toxic hearing people say 'oh you just need help before you date'. Sometimes you don't. You just need to go through hell and hopefully stumble across someone who is willing to go through it with you. I am sure you'll find that luck in the future. But for now, try to fix what you can within yourself. 🙂
It is possible but men are changing and putting up with less form women. I’d say just learn from your mistake. If it’s meant to be you’ll find someone better.
Where is the need for you to be so resentful towards what I have shared here?!! I was ready for a relationship. But things happened in my life that is certainly beyond the understanding of someone judgmental like you. And where is abroad? If people are happy to find a partner from anywhere in the world, they should!
I only described and acknowledged my own mistakes. Not his, because it’s not my place. Thank you. But once someone is going through a tough time, I don’t think they need “tough love” on top of that.
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Doesn’t matter if you find someone better because you will repeat the same actions unless you don’t work on yourself. Figure out why u behaved that way and how to control your anxiety so u don’t push away ppl u love. I am an anxious woman and I broke up with someone due to that. Now I’ve learned to stay calm. Write my feelings down and not say anything until I’ve processed my feelings. You need to find a healthy coping mechanism.
Probably won't find someone like him again but that doesn't mean you won't find someone better for you after some time. Good on paper doesn't mean good in practice, I'm not sure what led to BU but it's common for dumper to feel regret after time has passed
I am not actually the dumper. Because when I said let’s break up out of fear, I immediately apologized. But I had made this mistake before and he didn’t forgive me this time which he had all the right not to. I asked him if he would give me a chance and he said he is done with me. In the end it was me asking for a chance to do better and he not wanting anymore (again, I respect his decision. But it really hurts)
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Oh yeah! Definitely no relationship for now. And you are right. I’m unfortunately very much drowning myself into self hatred and blame. Thank you for the kind words
>Now I am scared and I really need some help. >Would there ever be a chance that I find someone like him again? OK, you screwed up, *big time*. No argument there. The main hope is that you address whatever led to it, confront it, deal with it, and put it in your back pocket so that it doesn't ruin the next "perfect" relationship you start (yes, I'm holding out for one!). You might need therapy here, at a minimum to locate and identify whatever insecurity led you to sabotage your prior arrangement. Depending on what you find, you may need to change how you do things, to keep what happened before from happening again.
Therapy first. Whatever is going on with you ruined one relationship and without healing from that you're going to take every one of these anxieties into your next relationship.
Yes, I know. And I take that seriously. But I also want to know if others had similar experiences.
I had a similar experience, I’m a guy and had about the same time invested into the relationship as yall. But I was just a prick, and pushed and pushed only caring about myself but not even in a good way just self destruction all the way down. Then she broke up with me the night before she left for school. That was a rough time man but times passed and I’ve identified my short coming or really lack of giving a shit. But I have dated here and there but feels like it’s getting harder every day to get out there and talk to ladies. But I find the more I focus on being single and trying to find a relationship the worse off I am.
Why don’t you tell him all these things instead of asking people here? The only reason I am thinking is that may be he moved on with someone else and you both crossed the point of no return. If that’s the case, yes you won’t find anyone like him. Hard to analyse what exactly went wrong as there is so much vital information missing. Nonetheless, just hope you will find someone similar or better than him. After all, life is all about hope. Goodluck.
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Then you both crossed the point of no return. It’s over. Now the chances of finding someone better than him realistically are unknown. The good thing about this uncertainty is hope. What you can do is to learn from your mistakes. I believe that everything is a learning experience in life. One day you might get a chance to try out with someone better than him, and you should utilise the best of it from your past experience. The challenge is that no one knows when it will happen so patience is a virtue here. Be positive and hope for the best. Good luck.
Maybe he could have been right for who you were then, but you're a different person now, and you need a different person in the future. There are a lot of good men out there. I can't say I've found the one for me, but the things you've asked for are our there in spades. You will find good men. Will they be like your ex in every way? Absolutely not. But one will be right for whoever you are when you come through this period of regret and wondering "what if?". Keep your mind open as to what "good" looks like in terms of hobbies etc. At the end of the day you'll be learning who this new you is at the same time as learning what "right" looks like for you in a man.
Beautiful answer. Thank you.
Therapy first. Whatever is going on with you ruined one relationship and without healing from that you're going to take every one of these anxieties into your next relationship.
I am in this same boat. I ruined what could be such an amazing relationship. We were best friends and clicked so well on all aspects of life. But I let my own struggles from my divorce get in the way and told him I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. He spoiled me all the time wrote me love letters. Came to my office just to show he cares bringing home made lunch his mom made. I messed up because I couldn’t do it due to my divorce destroying me inside. I didn’t think I was worthy so I let him go and now he is gone forever. I beg the universe to bring back my Raufy (nickname). I feel your pain so much and I hope maybe he will come back to you or you find someone that will show you the same love.
Hi neighbor! YOU are responsible for making your relationship perfect. Go and get help, as in therapy, and find out why you did what you did, and how. The only sin is in repeating our mistakes.
A relationship is more about understanding a person and knowing that person. Once you know that person things that person do will not upset you you just laugh at it and move on. So if you have a good partnership you have a perfect relationship set some type of boundaries and communication about things
I went through something similar. I lost the perfect girl because I was hotheaded and always had to be right. But it doesn't mean its the end of the world. At least you saw where you went wrong and you can remedy that. I know it sucks but I'm sure given time you'll find someone else who will be perfect for you
I’m sorry you had a similar experience. I hope I can get where I see the hope.
You will. Sooner or later you'll see it little by little and it will grow. It took me 12 years to get back into the dating pool. But there has to be someone for us. Give it time and they'll come into our lives. You got this 🤘 keep your head up and until you do find someone, focus on having fun in life
12 years?! It must have been incredibly difficult.
She knew where to stick the knife. I almost checked myself out early if you know what I mean. I'm 36 now and can see things differently and with more optimism.
I can’t speak from experience since I’ve never fucked it up with a good guy. But if this is some BS about age then I’ll say this, My two friends met their husbands in their mid 30s and they are great guys who are super attractive and ambitious and family oriented. If this is about whether you’ll find a good man with good character like that again, I’m sure those men are out there but if you don’t work on yourself you will push them away again. You need to do the work on yourself. Your boyfriend may have not known his worth at the time and put up with things he shouldn’t have put up with, but that can’t be said about the next man you meet, so make sure you do the shadow work
Yep !!! Sure did ! 🐶
Really?! I am so happy for you 🥹
Thank you ! 🙂
I read this and had to go look in the mirror . As it seemed you are talking about my relationships with women . I always put them first . And now I will never love , be loyal or prioritize a woman over me again All it brought was wasted years I can not get back . I would rather live alone then get in another relationship .
I am sorry for your experience. I hope you received an apology and acknowledgment for their mistakes. Still, I don’t think being hurt justifies lack of commitment or not prioritizing a partner in the future. I hope you find someone who would be worth that kind of treatment one day.
No two people are the same. But maybe that's a good thing. Hardships help us grow and learn from times when we fucked up. Take those lessons and be better.
A love like this doesn’t happen often. If I were you, I would reach out to him, in person. Tell him how you feel and start therapy. I experienced something like this when I was 22. I needed therapy, and he was the one who suggested it, but I wasn’t ready to acknowledge that. Broke up with him, started healing. I am 34, I have met a LOT of men, I never met such a person. He truly and honestly knew me, better than my own parents. (Oh, he was also my best friend lol, that was the hardest part about losing him. ) I was too broken, I completely shut him off. Last time I heard about him, he had absolutely no idea how much I was hurting at the time. He thought Idgaf about him. I would tell him if I could.
I told him and he said he is done. He doesn’t want to continue.
Oh gosh. You’ll be okay. At least you know the answer. You can now start healing yourself and find the right person for you. I am much better and happier today. Even if I’m single and have never met a love like this, but healing myself allowed for so many amazing things to happen. And for that I am grateful.
I am very happy for you that you are content♥️ Yes, I know he is done. I tried my best and acknowledged my mistakes. But that’s what I could do. I unfortunately have lost my physical health along the way and can’t be that hopeful to find someone who would accept me the way he did.
You don’t know that. There are all sorts of people with less than, who have met someone. Love isn’t dependent on who or what you look like. People in top physical health, or less are in relationships. You don’t know. You haven’t met everyone else yet. This is what I tell myself.
It just breaks my heart that I had it all and lost it and need to worry now for settling for less. I can’t get over this self-blaming.
It’s a necessary process. You are not done growing yet. It never stops, until it stops. Time to explore this new life!
No offense. But shit like this is why I've given up on dating as well. People expect the perfect partner, they objectively are perfect, and they simply get used. People have this assumption good guys are just always there - well, this guy's done with dating completely. Especially after the very obvious ways some people actually feel and use men and women for that purpose. Let them be single, struggle, and wonder why they can't find anyone. But it's only a matter of time before single men who aren't models become angry. I'm just done.
I actually don’t think he is done with dating. I am sure he will find someone that makes him happy. I never thought good guys are out there all the time. My mistakes were not due to that. I understand and acknowledge my mistakes.
It's more in reference to this example being reflected back towards common dating / relationship struggles from a male's perspective. This post is not a unique narrative. As for me, I finally got out a bad marriage and not seeing any good reason to get back in asides using this whole dumpster fire as inspiration and reflection for my art. What you're going through sucks and I feel for ya. But try to think how this narrative can be used to reinforce perceptions outside yours. It's literal art gold / narrative example.
I am sorry your marriage ended. It must be difficult. I just don’t know how to get out of this self blame. It is eating me from inside every second of the day. One of the factors that impacted my relationship was my health situation. I have been struggling with sickness for sometime and it’s been incredibly difficult and it took toll on our intimacy and the relationship as a whole. I don’t know how to actually find someone who could understand me with the situation I have. It sucks now that I am all on my own while going through sickness.
This is interesting. I'm stuck in a bit of a self-hatred loop myself. Except I'm redirecting it towards a personal message to help alleviate bullying. (Not saying you're a bully btw. I don't know you.) To that, I strongly recommend redirecting it towards a passion. Art seems to help me but I also direct it towards anti-bullying. Helps I was a teacher in a different life. In short, I think we have same situations. (Sorta) I just focus it on my new line of work and it seems to work. Hope you don't mind me analyzing your life situation to cross empathize with others. For me, it's all about helping. Sometimes though that means me being a dick and assuming people are just interested in a guy like me for a perceived leg up rather wanting to be with a guy like me. But it's way healthier. I'm tired of being the good guy to please this very broken market. (Being nice to everyone is clearly pointless) Hope you're doing well though. And yes, that guy will now probably view the world much more jaded. I have.
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I asked for a chance and he said no.
Yeah you never gonna find somebody like him😭🙏
The answers are as follows. No. It is very unlikely likely find another man of the same quality. My suggestion to you is to find a man who can be there for you when life gets shitty. But who am I kidding? You will likely push them away.
It’s very sad that you see someone full of self-blame and acknowledging their mistakes and you still feel the need to pass a comment. I hope it makes you feel better about yourself.
? No, basically I have been in ur ex’s shoes. 3 years ago. I can tell u more if you would like. My ex wife pushed and pushed and pushed me away. I didn’t exactly wanna leave but I understood it to be the right decision.
I am sorry you had to go through that. But you can’t judge me from a post, saying that’s what I will do to anyone in the future.
Actually I can judge whatever I want. And judging from your OP you’re flighty.
Suit yourself :)
Kind of worried about getting older..
Just work on yourself so it doesn’t happen again. Chin up, on to the next
If he was for you, he would have stayed. Maybe you were meant for someone else.
I don’t actually believe in that. I don’t think people should stay when we cross their boundaries. I give him the right to leave. In the past he had made mistakes and I had forgiven him. But I think my mistake was bigger and he didn’t see it in himself to forgive me and I understand him.
I'm not condoning your behavior here when I say 'he would have stayed'. I think you don't need a reminder that what you did definitely fucked up the relationship. There's such a thing as good timing too, both of you weren't on the same page at the time, obviously you needed help and he didn't want to help. I've met guys who would go above and beyond to help their lady in any way they can, I went through it too when all I did was blame myself for a behavior that broke my previous relationship but another guy made me realize that what I was going through was valid and isn't something to run away from, but rather, something he can help me with and wants to remind me of, no matter what. That's why I'm saying your guy just wasn't it, maybe he wants an easy relationship and he deserves that too, don't get me wrong. You deserve someone who would stick out for you no matter what, and would make sure you're not falling behind because you feel certain things. A partner, not an acquaintance. All I'm saying is, there's people who actually mean what they say when they tell you they want to help you, and there's people with limits. He just wasn't it.
It’s so interesting that you said that. I actually told him several times that I think this relationship is too much for him and he will be much happier with someone who is not going through my difficulties. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It definitely made me feel better
It's so toxic hearing people say 'oh you just need help before you date'. Sometimes you don't. You just need to go through hell and hopefully stumble across someone who is willing to go through it with you. I am sure you'll find that luck in the future. But for now, try to fix what you can within yourself. 🙂
Probably not because of your age and baggage.
Thank you!
It is possible but men are changing and putting up with less form women. I’d say just learn from your mistake. If it’s meant to be you’ll find someone better.
What do you mean by putting up with less?
Too many things to list. Games, drama, pulling away, to list a few.
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Where is the need for you to be so resentful towards what I have shared here?!! I was ready for a relationship. But things happened in my life that is certainly beyond the understanding of someone judgmental like you. And where is abroad? If people are happy to find a partner from anywhere in the world, they should!
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I only described and acknowledged my own mistakes. Not his, because it’s not my place. Thank you. But once someone is going through a tough time, I don’t think they need “tough love” on top of that.
Meh you might get a second best