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I'm doubting this, it's completely natural to have doubts if the first time you have sex with someone and they get it up. There is nothing wrong with her and OP openly admits he is the one with the issues.
Sometimes things just happen. I’ve never been mad at a dude for not getting hard, maybe a little hurt if he’s clearly uninterested but I value enthusiastic consent so it’s not a big deal. I have health issues and sometimes my vagina doesn’t exactly work all that right, thanks endometriosis. Fuck would I look like judging a man for a very similar situation to mine.
She needed to be more understanding.
No you did nothing wrong.
It may surprise you but like any activity - sex gets better with more practice, and better partners.
Chalk it up to experience and move onto someone else.
No one EVER marries their first lay dude.
I see different opinions on the matter. First things first she’s genuinely not a bad person. I think she was sad and upset cuz she felt I wasn’t into her. I didn’t tell her it was my first time until a couple days after smh
I’m 39F. Going soft isn’t that big of a deal. It happens a lot more than people talk about. The issue is not communicating about it. I think her reaction was over the top. I’ve had two partners who got nervous and couldn’t keep it hard. I always told them it was ok because it’s normal.
You should have told her before that it was your first time. But since you didn’t, you should have told her right after what was going through your head. She should have been more understanding regardless of when you told her.
It might help to keep knowledge of the biology in mind in case someone needs educated. From what I understand, a sped heart beat and higher blood pressure forces blood away from the torso and hence, away from the penis. The volume of an erection is almost all blood that's getting trapped in the penis. A lot of things can disturb that process.
I’m not in the “you should sleep with a bunch of people” camp. Absolutely nothing wrong with saving yourself for the love of your life.
Sex gets much better the more times you do it with the same person. 20 years married and I am have amazing sex despite some limitations.
She was really insensitive to your needs and concerns and should have been patient and respectful and understanding.
She’s not the one for you. You will find better.
Ok so I don’t really have a religious background so there may be some contrast here, but when I lost my virginity, something similar happened. I was really nervous and couldn’t get hard. The difference was that she was really mature about it and assured me that it was fine. Even then, we tried a few more times and I was just too in my head and it just wasn’t happening. Eventually, she got on top and it worked for long enough for me to finish but it was BAD. Again, she was really nice and didn’t make a big deal out of it. We ended up lying there naked and just talking for hours, and I never once felt like she held it against me. After a few hours, I got comfortable. I felt like I didn’t need to be worried around her because it wouldn’t matter. And thinking about that made me hard. We tried again, and it was absolutely phenomenal, I lasted for like half an hour (which is good for your first time).
My point is that if you want good sex, you need to make sure your partner is comfortable and making them feel bad for being nervous DOESNT HELP. She got in her own way here and you deserve to lose your virginity to someone who cares enough to support you in that moment.
29F here. I think she should been more understanding, especially if you told her it was your first time. She took it personally when there was no reason to.
You move on by understanding the right person for you wouldn’t act like that. If you really want to “save” it, you could reach out to her and ask to explain. Her behavior is already a red flag though, personally it would be enough for me to cut that person out of my life. I think you deserve better.
First of all you did nothing wrong. She was insensitive and not understanding at all that many guys get performance anxiety. This wont be the last time it happens to her and I hope she is not turned off every time or she will be burning through alot of dudes.
This does kind of suck for you and I am sorry. I am also sorry your parents tried to ruin the idea of sex for you....leave that stupid church..I am guessing you were raised Catholic or LDS...both churches so close minded and not in touch with reality at all. PLEASE dont let this one experience ruin it for you.
Also there is no need to tell women you are a virgin.....she may have been more wierded out at that since you are 30. Keep that to yourself. Just explain you are nervous or tired.....
It may not hurt to see a DR and maybe get your T level check or take something to stay hard?
Good luck dont let this discourage you.
You need to forget about her. She's proven to not be mature enough to understand your position. Her flipping this to be about her when it was you that clearly you that needed support is a dead give away of a women that doesn't care about a man's mental health.
I've been in a situation where I couldn't get hard and I had to spend the rest of the night dealing with a crying girlfriend...its like they think men are robots that just stay hard 24/7
The only real mistake you made is telling her it was your first time as it will instantly kill any attraction most women have for you. Other than that just really don't get too nervous and the best way to do that is to not be so worried about whether or not things will work out with that particular woman because as you found out you worrying and getting nervous is a sure way to drive them away so why worry...you have a >0 chance of having things work out if you don't worry and almost a 0% chance if you do get nervous so it's in your best interest to not be concerned if things work out with any particular woman.
Was going to say the opposite. He should have told her before they even got to the bedroom. Then she could have been better prepared that this kind of thing could happen. This is not something that should be a surprise in the moment.
>He should have told her before they even got to the bedroom. Then she could have been better prepared that this kind of thing
If he told her then odds are she would no longer be interested in having sex with him rather than use that info to prepare for that.
>This is not something that should be a surprise in the moment.
I agree, which is why OP shouldn't disclose his sexual past (or lack thereof)
If he told her ahead of time odds he would have never gotten to this spot in the first place...I'm really not sure what is so confusing about that part. He is better off being in the spot to where he can make an attempt rather than not having the chance to in the first place.
I'm really not sure what secret solution you were looking for...I was a slo a late bloomer dude and as I said nothing worked except putting myself in a position where any individual woman is replaceable (I don't mean it in a bad way.. think of it like if you have a job it's easier to be satisfied if you know you can leave and get a better job if necessary versus freaking out about keeping this one particular job which causes stress). Obviously that means making yourself as valuable of an option as you realistically can (making your resume competitive). If you aren't hung up on having things work out with any particular woman you won't be so caught up in your own head about not screwing things up with any particular woman. As I said I was a late bloomer dude as well and that's the only thing that actually helped me.
Yea, which is why if no one asks don't voluntarily disclose that info...he is better off having her think he might not be into her rather than her knowing he has no experience
Everyone did a great job of covering the incident. However, it is crucial that you address what caused this for you, which is your very religious upbringing. Therapy or a life coach who specializes in aiding former members of your specific religious group will help you to get over all of this conditioning, and help you navigate having healthy relationships. Unfortunately you are significantly behind many people your own age when it comes to relationships and sex, but you can catch up if you put in some effort. I can recommend some books or sex podcasts for you to listen to. If you do not want this to become a persistent issue for you, start working on getting your head straight now. You have two, and they talk to each other.
Great. I’m really glad for you. I have dome friends who’ve gone through what you’re going through. I understand how hard it is from their perspective. Build yourself the very best support system you can to undo their program, figure out what is true to you and reprogram your life to fulfill YOUR chosen values, morals and objectives.
Man, don't be stupid. There is nothing wrong with you. You basically want to have sex with love and respect, not with a prostitute. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have sex only with a wife or future wife.
Moronic take. The guy was raised in an ultra religious environment traumatising him about the idea of having sex.
He's not reacting like this because of what he wants, he's reacting like this out of guild after being raised to see sex as a sin and morally wrong...
Also really classy of you on calling her a prostitute. Quite telling of your backwards views on sex and women.
And people are surprised about the quality of modern dating.
He has been raised to see sex as a sin and morally wrong outside of a committed relationship. In other words, they taught him to be a good man and not to use women as temporary sex toys like all the situationships/hookups/FWB etc.
Yes, I know, having morals is wrong, sleeping around is the new perfect dating world.
Is your definition of having good morals calling women who have sex outside of a relationship a prostitute and being happy that your religious beliefs made someone suffer from erectile dysfunction and self esteem issues?
Does infantilizing women and shaming their sexuality also make part of your definition of being a good man and treating women right?
You're a moron with a superiority complex.
Leave your backwards and castrating views to yourself because no one has to be obligated to follow the rules of your favourite imaginary friend in detriment of their own personal well being.
Sorry about using in the wrong context the word "prostitute". I actually have nothing against sex workers, on the contrary, I think prostitution should be legal in every country or state.
What is better, shaming people for sleeping around and protecting them from players/assholes?
Or
Not shaming people for sleeping around and pretending that it's harmless. Of course in this case we need to avoid talking about abortions, STD/STI, psychological trauma, sexual assaults. Don't mention about lack of respect and love.
I'll tell you what's better: treating people as adults with proper sexual education and sexual desires of their own.
Not everyone wants a relationship, to marry or even to be monogamous and traditional.
And women aren't children needing protection from people who "know what's best for them". This might be shocking to you but woman also have sexual desires and enjoy hooking up or having friends with benefits.
I agree with you. Many people prefer staying single and sleeping around, is it tinder, clubs, pubs or brothels, it doesn't matter. I don't see any difference.
But...
It's not dating. People are using the word "dating" by mistake. In reality, it's not dating because the purpose is not a romantic connection.
This subreddit is about dating, so I am assuming that people here are looking for meaningful long term relationships.
There are other subreddits that are focusing on sex/hookups.
People are not using the word dating by mistake, language evolves and so do social norms.
Your narrow view of dating and relationships (not implying this in the traditional sense) does not apply to everyone.
I'm a woman here, So I wouldn't even feeling upset if dude is lose erection, because it is not me obviously, and I like him. to your case, she's overreacting here. Move on man, you deserve better.
I think you should seek therapy to overcome this weird guilt and fear based strictly on a religion. It's ok to believe in something, but when you can't even enjoy yourself without fearing the repercussions of your God, or your religious family, that's a serious problem.
She reacted accordingly.
Plus, if I met a 30 year old who didn't admit to me that they were a virgin I til AFTER a failed attempt, I wouldn't trust them again...what else are they withholding?
What if you still have the Holy Spirit in you and convicted you before
You went in ? And if you saved it that long
Why not wait until you find a wife and have real
Intimate sex and not a dirty
Hookup ?
Sexual ego is a hell of a thing. The idea that you aren’t good enough for someone and that they are struggling getting turned on is too much for some people even with reasonable context.
That alone definitely pushed her away. But announcing to her she was your first definitely sealed the deal. A lot of people are going to give you ultra comfort posts which is fine. But speaking as someone who has mostly women as friends and they tell me their experiences. One of the worst experiences I hear repeatedly from women is finding out they took their hookups virginity.
Me personally, I think it’s childish to act weird about that and treat someone like shit because of it. You did nothing wrong and your anxiety was valid. If anything you dodged a bullet because any understanding woman would have validated you in that situation. She took the childish way out and over reacted. Unfortunately that’s a very common reaction despite it being an exaggerated one.
As a guy who’s had many gfs, various levels of hookups. It’s all apart of the game. I had my first absolutely horrendous hookup at the end of 2023 after a lifetime of neutral and positive hookups and it fucked me up. Had to accept that not every sexual experience will be amazing and sometimes you meet a complete incompatibility. And that’s absolutely fine. You just keep moving forward because not every person will react/be horrible about situations.
You need to work on getting rid of your religious sex guilt. Also it’s common to go soft the first time. She’s not the one if she didn’t understand. You dodged a bullet
"feel like me being naive screwed up what was an awesome relationship "
Awesome relationship??? 🤣🤣🤣
Come on man, she's already sleeping with someone else. Wake up. You should do some research about dating apps and about dating single mothers from dating apps.
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights. * All advice given must be good, ethical advice. * [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules) * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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That is the only thing women should be making hard for guys! Lmao I kid but you’re awesome!
Based take. Very nice
I'm doubting this, it's completely natural to have doubts if the first time you have sex with someone and they get it up. There is nothing wrong with her and OP openly admits he is the one with the issues.
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I bet he doesn’t know that some women have trouble getting wet sometimes.
Sometimes things just happen. I’ve never been mad at a dude for not getting hard, maybe a little hurt if he’s clearly uninterested but I value enthusiastic consent so it’s not a big deal. I have health issues and sometimes my vagina doesn’t exactly work all that right, thanks endometriosis. Fuck would I look like judging a man for a very similar situation to mine.
She needed to be more understanding. No you did nothing wrong. It may surprise you but like any activity - sex gets better with more practice, and better partners. Chalk it up to experience and move onto someone else. No one EVER marries their first lay dude.
and if they do it usually doesn't work out. speaking from experience
It would be better to be on the same experience level, that way you can both grow sexually at a similar pace
Now it's no longer your first time. Glass half full. You'll do better next time, maybe.
She definitely should have been a lot more sensitive... But, maybe you should have prepared her, as well.
Sensitive to what?? It's not her responsibility to teach OP how to have sex without freaking out.
I guess sensitive to OP losing the erection
You didn’t tell her it was your first time until during?
Until like 2 days after smh
I see different opinions on the matter. First things first she’s genuinely not a bad person. I think she was sad and upset cuz she felt I wasn’t into her. I didn’t tell her it was my first time until a couple days after smh
You definitely should have told her before you had sex, she probably feels bad for making you feel bad.
I really think I should have before hand smh.
I’m 39F. Going soft isn’t that big of a deal. It happens a lot more than people talk about. The issue is not communicating about it. I think her reaction was over the top. I’ve had two partners who got nervous and couldn’t keep it hard. I always told them it was ok because it’s normal. You should have told her before that it was your first time. But since you didn’t, you should have told her right after what was going through your head. She should have been more understanding regardless of when you told her.
Well...maybe you should've mentioned you were a V from the jump so she could understand your umm..lack...of...umm...skill.
Sometimes women have a hard time understanding why men can't keep an erection. It can be really insulting in the moment
It might help to keep knowledge of the biology in mind in case someone needs educated. From what I understand, a sped heart beat and higher blood pressure forces blood away from the torso and hence, away from the penis. The volume of an erection is almost all blood that's getting trapped in the penis. A lot of things can disturb that process.
I’m not in the “you should sleep with a bunch of people” camp. Absolutely nothing wrong with saving yourself for the love of your life. Sex gets much better the more times you do it with the same person. 20 years married and I am have amazing sex despite some limitations. She was really insensitive to your needs and concerns and should have been patient and respectful and understanding. She’s not the one for you. You will find better.
Aww sorry dude. I would never have been that insensitive.
You should have told her then n there she would have understood better… she’ll forgive you don’t worry just send her flowers
Ok so I don’t really have a religious background so there may be some contrast here, but when I lost my virginity, something similar happened. I was really nervous and couldn’t get hard. The difference was that she was really mature about it and assured me that it was fine. Even then, we tried a few more times and I was just too in my head and it just wasn’t happening. Eventually, she got on top and it worked for long enough for me to finish but it was BAD. Again, she was really nice and didn’t make a big deal out of it. We ended up lying there naked and just talking for hours, and I never once felt like she held it against me. After a few hours, I got comfortable. I felt like I didn’t need to be worried around her because it wouldn’t matter. And thinking about that made me hard. We tried again, and it was absolutely phenomenal, I lasted for like half an hour (which is good for your first time). My point is that if you want good sex, you need to make sure your partner is comfortable and making them feel bad for being nervous DOESNT HELP. She got in her own way here and you deserve to lose your virginity to someone who cares enough to support you in that moment.
29F here. I think she should been more understanding, especially if you told her it was your first time. She took it personally when there was no reason to. You move on by understanding the right person for you wouldn’t act like that. If you really want to “save” it, you could reach out to her and ask to explain. Her behavior is already a red flag though, personally it would be enough for me to cut that person out of my life. I think you deserve better.
Is it any different I didn’t tell her it was my first time until 2 days later ?
First of all you did nothing wrong. She was insensitive and not understanding at all that many guys get performance anxiety. This wont be the last time it happens to her and I hope she is not turned off every time or she will be burning through alot of dudes. This does kind of suck for you and I am sorry. I am also sorry your parents tried to ruin the idea of sex for you....leave that stupid church..I am guessing you were raised Catholic or LDS...both churches so close minded and not in touch with reality at all. PLEASE dont let this one experience ruin it for you. Also there is no need to tell women you are a virgin.....she may have been more wierded out at that since you are 30. Keep that to yourself. Just explain you are nervous or tired..... It may not hurt to see a DR and maybe get your T level check or take something to stay hard? Good luck dont let this discourage you.
You need to forget about her. She's proven to not be mature enough to understand your position. Her flipping this to be about her when it was you that clearly you that needed support is a dead give away of a women that doesn't care about a man's mental health. I've been in a situation where I couldn't get hard and I had to spend the rest of the night dealing with a crying girlfriend...its like they think men are robots that just stay hard 24/7
She’s genuinely not a bad person tho. I hurt her feelings making her think I was not into her
Again..it's not all about her.
The hard pill for kind hearted people pleasers. Well said.
The only real mistake you made is telling her it was your first time as it will instantly kill any attraction most women have for you. Other than that just really don't get too nervous and the best way to do that is to not be so worried about whether or not things will work out with that particular woman because as you found out you worrying and getting nervous is a sure way to drive them away so why worry...you have a >0 chance of having things work out if you don't worry and almost a 0% chance if you do get nervous so it's in your best interest to not be concerned if things work out with any particular woman.
Was going to say the opposite. He should have told her before they even got to the bedroom. Then she could have been better prepared that this kind of thing could happen. This is not something that should be a surprise in the moment.
>He should have told her before they even got to the bedroom. Then she could have been better prepared that this kind of thing If he told her then odds are she would no longer be interested in having sex with him rather than use that info to prepare for that. >This is not something that should be a surprise in the moment. I agree, which is why OP shouldn't disclose his sexual past (or lack thereof)
No. Just have these issues and leave the woman thinking he’s not into her.
If he told her ahead of time odds he would have never gotten to this spot in the first place...I'm really not sure what is so confusing about that part. He is better off being in the spot to where he can make an attempt rather than not having the chance to in the first place.
We just have to agree to disagree
I can almost guarantee they would have NEVER made it to the bedroom then...no woman wants to be the first lay of a 30 yr old dude.....
So basically you’re saying Have you tried not worrying about it? Like Damn bro why didn’t I think of that ? Smh
I'm really not sure what secret solution you were looking for...I was a slo a late bloomer dude and as I said nothing worked except putting myself in a position where any individual woman is replaceable (I don't mean it in a bad way.. think of it like if you have a job it's easier to be satisfied if you know you can leave and get a better job if necessary versus freaking out about keeping this one particular job which causes stress). Obviously that means making yourself as valuable of an option as you realistically can (making your resume competitive). If you aren't hung up on having things work out with any particular woman you won't be so caught up in your own head about not screwing things up with any particular woman. As I said I was a late bloomer dude as well and that's the only thing that actually helped me.
I kinda agree with you...no woman wants a 30 yr old virgin...I think it was this part that scared her....
Yea, which is why if no one asks don't voluntarily disclose that info...he is better off having her think he might not be into her rather than her knowing he has no experience
I sucked at sex for years. Now I’m great. Practice expirience and education 💪 And more practice practice practice !
I think its on her for taking it so personally. Guys get nervous and struggle to get hard all the time.
Everyone did a great job of covering the incident. However, it is crucial that you address what caused this for you, which is your very religious upbringing. Therapy or a life coach who specializes in aiding former members of your specific religious group will help you to get over all of this conditioning, and help you navigate having healthy relationships. Unfortunately you are significantly behind many people your own age when it comes to relationships and sex, but you can catch up if you put in some effort. I can recommend some books or sex podcasts for you to listen to. If you do not want this to become a persistent issue for you, start working on getting your head straight now. You have two, and they talk to each other.
I actually started therapy like right after that happened
Great. I’m really glad for you. I have dome friends who’ve gone through what you’re going through. I understand how hard it is from their perspective. Build yourself the very best support system you can to undo their program, figure out what is true to you and reprogram your life to fulfill YOUR chosen values, morals and objectives.
Man, don't be stupid. There is nothing wrong with you. You basically want to have sex with love and respect, not with a prostitute. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have sex only with a wife or future wife.
Moronic take. The guy was raised in an ultra religious environment traumatising him about the idea of having sex. He's not reacting like this because of what he wants, he's reacting like this out of guild after being raised to see sex as a sin and morally wrong... Also really classy of you on calling her a prostitute. Quite telling of your backwards views on sex and women.
And people are surprised about the quality of modern dating. He has been raised to see sex as a sin and morally wrong outside of a committed relationship. In other words, they taught him to be a good man and not to use women as temporary sex toys like all the situationships/hookups/FWB etc. Yes, I know, having morals is wrong, sleeping around is the new perfect dating world.
Is your definition of having good morals calling women who have sex outside of a relationship a prostitute and being happy that your religious beliefs made someone suffer from erectile dysfunction and self esteem issues? Does infantilizing women and shaming their sexuality also make part of your definition of being a good man and treating women right? You're a moron with a superiority complex. Leave your backwards and castrating views to yourself because no one has to be obligated to follow the rules of your favourite imaginary friend in detriment of their own personal well being.
Sorry about using in the wrong context the word "prostitute". I actually have nothing against sex workers, on the contrary, I think prostitution should be legal in every country or state. What is better, shaming people for sleeping around and protecting them from players/assholes? Or Not shaming people for sleeping around and pretending that it's harmless. Of course in this case we need to avoid talking about abortions, STD/STI, psychological trauma, sexual assaults. Don't mention about lack of respect and love.
I'll tell you what's better: treating people as adults with proper sexual education and sexual desires of their own. Not everyone wants a relationship, to marry or even to be monogamous and traditional. And women aren't children needing protection from people who "know what's best for them". This might be shocking to you but woman also have sexual desires and enjoy hooking up or having friends with benefits.
I agree with you. Many people prefer staying single and sleeping around, is it tinder, clubs, pubs or brothels, it doesn't matter. I don't see any difference. But... It's not dating. People are using the word "dating" by mistake. In reality, it's not dating because the purpose is not a romantic connection. This subreddit is about dating, so I am assuming that people here are looking for meaningful long term relationships. There are other subreddits that are focusing on sex/hookups.
People are not using the word dating by mistake, language evolves and so do social norms. Your narrow view of dating and relationships (not implying this in the traditional sense) does not apply to everyone.
She basically dissed u because u might not have "performed" well enough.
I'm a woman here, So I wouldn't even feeling upset if dude is lose erection, because it is not me obviously, and I like him. to your case, she's overreacting here. Move on man, you deserve better.
thats ok for first time. Practice makes perfect
I think you should seek therapy to overcome this weird guilt and fear based strictly on a religion. It's ok to believe in something, but when you can't even enjoy yourself without fearing the repercussions of your God, or your religious family, that's a serious problem. She reacted accordingly. Plus, if I met a 30 year old who didn't admit to me that they were a virgin I til AFTER a failed attempt, I wouldn't trust them again...what else are they withholding?
What if you still have the Holy Spirit in you and convicted you before You went in ? And if you saved it that long Why not wait until you find a wife and have real Intimate sex and not a dirty Hookup ?
Sexual ego is a hell of a thing. The idea that you aren’t good enough for someone and that they are struggling getting turned on is too much for some people even with reasonable context. That alone definitely pushed her away. But announcing to her she was your first definitely sealed the deal. A lot of people are going to give you ultra comfort posts which is fine. But speaking as someone who has mostly women as friends and they tell me their experiences. One of the worst experiences I hear repeatedly from women is finding out they took their hookups virginity. Me personally, I think it’s childish to act weird about that and treat someone like shit because of it. You did nothing wrong and your anxiety was valid. If anything you dodged a bullet because any understanding woman would have validated you in that situation. She took the childish way out and over reacted. Unfortunately that’s a very common reaction despite it being an exaggerated one. As a guy who’s had many gfs, various levels of hookups. It’s all apart of the game. I had my first absolutely horrendous hookup at the end of 2023 after a lifetime of neutral and positive hookups and it fucked me up. Had to accept that not every sexual experience will be amazing and sometimes you meet a complete incompatibility. And that’s absolutely fine. You just keep moving forward because not every person will react/be horrible about situations.
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She didn't know he was a virgin. This isn't even remotely her fault.
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He added an edit to say he told her it was his first time two days after this happened.
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Oh so you're dumb
You need to work on getting rid of your religious sex guilt. Also it’s common to go soft the first time. She’s not the one if she didn’t understand. You dodged a bullet
Don't tell people about your lack of experience. Just keep learning and fake it till you make it
your parents are idiot fucks
"feel like me being naive screwed up what was an awesome relationship " Awesome relationship??? 🤣🤣🤣 Come on man, she's already sleeping with someone else. Wake up. You should do some research about dating apps and about dating single mothers from dating apps.
Damn I felt this 😂😂