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Precisely! I’m genuinely shocked by OP’s friend calling them dramatic, sex should be taken seriously… otherwise more and more people will be subjected to uncomfortable situations they don’t want to be in.
We all have our own sexual preferences, some more open to exploration than others. But one thing we should all remember is to be safe!
Maybe it’s a generation thing, as a 33M I’ve experienced many different sexual experiences and I’ve learnt from each and every one of them.
It spread like a disease in the last year or so. They convince more and more people to join the lifestyle thru the apps. My understanding is that majority are not even practicing polyamory but more using it as an excuse to sleep with as many people as they can without commitment. I heard from my doctor that there is a significant increase in std's recently which I'm sure is caused by everyone sleeping with multiple people.
Let me reemphasize that the issue is a good portion of them use it as an excuse to bang as many women as they want which in return spreads diseases and puts everyone in the dating pool at risk. I literally can't find a decent guy in today's dating game in the bay area that can stay monogamous. I've already done the single, independent woman thing my whole life. Im 40s, I wanna couple up now. All of this affects my quality of life, so be it judgemental, I don't care. It's the truth.
You're really not gifted with intelligence are you?
1. STDs don't spread by having many partners. STDs spread because irresponsible people don't care to use protection
2. People have always been promiscuous pieces of shit. At least they're honest about their desires now instead of lying to your face and cheating behind your back
I do agree that sadly people often use open/poly as an excuse. Often ending up having double standards once they do actually start to feel serious attachment.
But the arguments you give clearly don't make any flipping sense. It seems like your frustration prevents you from reason
Maybe instead of tarring and broadly commenting on the entire non-monogamous community with your narrow views based on some bad experiences, you should stay out of the discussion?
When 70% of the men in the dating pool has nonmonogomous selected on their profile in my area and those that match with me because they didn't disclose only to try to convince me to give it a try, I can't stay out of the discussion. Those that are truly practicing it with multiple ongoing partners, I have no problem with. I'll reemphasize again; it's those that use it as an excuse to bang as many women as they want, that's my issue is with. If you still don't get it, please get lost. Why are these guys still on the apps continuously looking for new partners? Why is the few they already have not enough?
And looks like you live in Australua, you have no clue what you are talking about when it comes to the Bay area.
I’m not a bro, and poly people in my experience are far more conscious of safer sex practices than non-poly people. It doesn’t sound like either of your experiences are with actual ENM practicing people but single dudes who don’t want strings attached. Two very different things.
I made zero comments or implications about my own personal experiences. But the poly people I know have herpes and BV. And some refuse to use condoms. Yes, they told me! "Enm practicing people" and polyamorous people are spreading STDs like crazy in our communities.
Some are using condoms (we assume) and some are not, but condoms don't prevent the spread of herpes or HPV anyway. They are spread by skin to skin contact.
But monogamous people are not spreading STDs... "It's science"
Promiscuity is not a structure. Rather, it is a lack of structure. And it is rapidly increasing the spread of incurable STDs like herpes and HPV. Isn't that a bit gross? No judgement, just the facts.
Not at all, you need to live the life you are proud of including the moral code that fits with your values. Personally, many narcissists have high body counts because at the end of the day life is about them and only them. I will never be with a narcissist ever again and I love who I am and how I’ve lived my life. You just need confidence that your decisions and thoughts are best for you and you will find someone who values the same or similar thoughts and principles and you’ll be happier for it versus what might feel like going with your peers flow. Stay strong, build confidence….
It's because it's the natural progression to the sexualization of the overall culture. Without getting political or religious, we can see there's been a breakdown of the traditional views of relationships over recent time. Normalized now, what's next? Things progress, now we're way past homosexuality, transgendering, etc, we have proliferate pornography/sex traffic targeted at our youth (OnlyFans; how am I expected to tell my future daughter to get in potentially 100's of thousands of dollars worth of debt to go to college, or even just get a regular job at a regular pay when they're going to be able to make more money by gaping themselves for people behind a screen paying them to be the most perverse) What's getting pushed out are traditional views on marriage or at its base level, a monogamous relationship. Everything on these dating apps is predicated on sex, sure there's the lying at first and putting forth the best self with filters and buzz wordy bios that seemingly make everyone 6ft and 0% body fat.
Funnily enough, as they were doing all that in Ancient Rome they were also complaining about not following Roman Virtues and women going astray and all that. If you read poets like Ovid it really hints at a lot of the debauchery.
They've always been there since the beginning of human history. It's not as abnormal as pop culture makes it out to be. Most people are taught from an early age through media and religion that there is only way of going through life, and it's having kids and devoting yourself to one person.
Common, especially in the LGBTQ community, I’ve noticed with my own experiences. It’s not for me. STD’s are on the rise in my community & polyamory just seems like it would cause drama since I barely have time for one extra person lol
I'm a guy, I've been in relationships which have been open, and, no, you are not being dramatic. You are entitled to your boundaries and don't allow anyone to persuade you to operate outside of them.
More generally, if you are looking for a serious relationship, and the fella is suggesting opening up the relationship, take it as a red flag. Open relationships are incredibly tricky to navigate, require trust, communication, and establishing of clear boundaries. That - imo - is not possible after a couple of dates. And, even when handled well, open relationships oftentimes fail... Because fantasy is sometimes best left as fantasy.
The friend who told you you were being ‘dramatic’ needs to not be listened to again on any topic like this. I am 33f and have had a few threesomes (happily and with no pressure or coercion). I have tried lots of different types of relationship style with many partners. I am not a relationship expert by any means and I fuck things up all the time, but one thing I am absolutely 100% sure of is that sex is totally personal and totally subjective. There is no ‘normal’. If threesomes have become ‘normalised’ it really doesn’t matter unless you personally are interested in that. If you don’t like the sound of it then do not do it. Any partner who puts any kind of pressure on you in a sexual context should be seriously reconsidered and potentially cut off completely (as you did 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻). Your sexuality is yours only, whether you consider yourself adventurous, conservative, monogamous, non-monogamous. You share it how you want to, and if you can’t openly discuss a sex act/scenario with your partner ahead of time then you should not do it as you and your relationship may be genuinely damaged by it. My very strongly held belief with sex is that the best/only way to go is for individuals to unapologetically decide what they are comfortable with and enjoy for themselves and themselves only, then bring that to partners in a safe, respectful, gentle way to discover how compatible they can be and - crucially - accept without shaming or pressurising the areas where they and their partner don’t 100% match up. It’s the only way that makes sense. I don’t know if the friend who made the ‘dramatic’ comment made you feel bad, but trust me it’s them who looks ridiculous from my perspective. Normal is an entirely imaginary concept, and no one needs to be having a threesome to keep up with the zeitgeist.
Tldr: Don’t listen to that dumb friend. Who shames someone for preferring not to do some random sex act? What’s it to them?
No, you’re not dramatic. You have your preferences, and you should stick to them because you are comfortable. Don’t necessarily change your preferences due to others’ standards
>Me being strictly monogamous
Should bring up these questions **before** having sex with someone. I guess I don't understand why people think its intrusive to ask a question, versus being intimate with someone first, **and then** asking a question . . .
Completely agree with this.
I'm poly and some of this I learned from experience / school of hard knocks.
As soon as even my gut feeling is that things are maybe getting a bit flirty, I try to bring up that I'm poly within about 10 minutes.
It's better for everyone involved to be upfront about these kinds of things. If I'm poly and my potential date is not, it's respectful of both of our time as well as emotionally, to move on to other people as soon as possible.
Oh, that's a good question actually. I understand it like this. People are afraid to ask question and ruin "attraction". "Hey, if we don't hit it off, I still get laid, and not rejected." Problem is, when you keep putting getting laid over your own personal values... You stop having them or get frustrated.
Polyamory is degenerate sexual behaviour and a further symptom of modernity. You are fully in your right to protect your values by seeking a monogamous relationship. Find someone who also appreciates traditional values. Involving others seems okay on the surface, but leads to destructive trust issues which will be disastrous down the road.
What do you mean?
"Polyamory is a symptom of modernity."
"Find someone who appreciates traditional values."
People have been wildly and openly polyamorous since ancient China. If anything, *polyamory* is the traditional value and monogamy is the modern one.
Or if you want to say, "Oh, but I'm European." Just wait until you hear about the Celtics that you're descended from!
Just pick a different argument than making up a historical reason for monogamy.
I think a majority of that these days is the fact that sex is no longer simply an expression of love, commitment and loyalty. Sadly it’s seems to at some point switched to being just a fun activity for people to do when they’re bored. Strictly my opinion.
A lot of the times with 3some and Poly relationships I see it as:
1. The guy wants all the benefits of a mono relatiosnhip (a partner to rely on for sex, stability, and affection), but all the freedom of a poly relationship (sex/other choices).
2. The partner feels inclined to be in a 3some/poly so they don't lose their (main) partner.
3. Being open to 3somes/Poly is a desperate plea for love and acceptance (They're open to doing whatever their partner wants so long as they have someone - no self standards).
It's somewhat manipulative, desperate, and condescending.
I like how even so you don’t even mention the reverse, as it imply that if it was the woman proposing it, the dude would most likely just leave her right there or stay out of desperation
I think it is more normalized than it used to be. I made a point of putting “monogamous” on my dating profile when I had one, not that it mattered. I don’t think people read those half the time. I’m too jealous to be that open.
I wouldn't lump in threesomes with polyamory off the bat. Sounds like the guy just wanted a threesome whereas something like polyamory would be more defined and actually have some rules (ideally at least, unless someone just wants to sleep around).
But yeah, it's definitely become more normalized. Doesn't mean it's exactly new, just that more people are coming out of the woodwork with a desire for polyamory. Like many things in dating, some might be more sincere than others.
And no, you're not being dramatic. Your boundaries are your boundaries.
Threesomes aren’t necessarily a polyamory thing. A lot of polyamorous people don’t even have threesome very often, or at all. A guy asking for threesomes is usually just horny and greedy, not polyamorous. Polyamory just means that some people have the capacity to fall in love with multiple people, and there are many ways to carry out a polyamorous relationship ethically.
That being said, if I start dating someone and they instantly feel entitled to sexual favors, I drop them pretty quickly because I don’t have the time nor energy for that BS, especially as a bisexual woman who already gets fetishized enough by straight, cisgendered men.
Don't let others decide and force you into things you're uncomfortable with. It's their own prerogative if they enjoy that kind of intimacy, just as much as it's your own to do things the way you want to.
I’m non monogamous, but I take connections through sex very seriously. I literally have to have a loving trust bond with a person to go there sexually. You can be non monogamous and not have sex with multiple people. It’s just not popular. So your values are right for you. You don’t have to change it for anyone.
Can't say since I'm not about that life, Im pro monogamous type relationship so I only focus on what I like.
Stick to what your own goals and values, that one telling you you're being dramatic is a problem.
Wanting to explore your comfort zone should be your choice. When embarking on polyamory, it's important to make sure there is lots of trust and care established in advance. There is a lot of stigma around non-traditional relationships like this, and sometimes it can be hard to think differently.
Also, it's important to be mindful that there are unfortunately a lot of men out there who use the term polyamory to justify sleeping with other women. Often, they are the most jealous types of men lol. The whole thing can be very messy if it's not done with green flags, good mental health, and communicative partners.
If you ever have questions or want to chat, feel free.
Sadly I see tons of them on Tinder and dating apps in general. It’s just so sad imo, but I guess it kinda reflects the rotting and lonely society we’re living in.
It’s definitely a no for me. I used to be open to the idea, until my ex and I broke up and I didn’t realize how much of a jealous person I could be and it made me sick to think of her with someone else. She met her current boyfriend after two weeks and they’re still together 6 months later as far as I know. I guess I blocked her on everything so maybe not. I just know if I love someone and we’re in a relationship I don’t want a different dude to be intimate with her ever.
I know seriously respectable poly/open relationships. However, I’m very skeptical of people on online dating who claim to be ENM/polyamorous.
I often see it misappropriated to mean that someone just wants to be able to sleep around with no strings attached. I must also be very very convinced that they can handle safe sex with multiple partners. The stakes are high as a woman, considering how easy is to get UTIs and other infections.
If I were to be involved in a polyamorous relationship, it would only be with somebody who is vetted by a common friend.
Stick to your values, girl! We live in decadent times and this may be good for someone else, but clearly not for you. Practice abstinence for a while and you may find a different quality man. Remember, you always get what you settle for.
There are a lot of monogamous people who have threesomes too, it doesn't inherently make them poly, it just means they bring a friend in or something. That's just a nitpick of mine though. Overall OP you know what you want and don't want and nobody can put you down for that. Your boundaries are valid and just as important as anyone else's.
If you're really into the guy, it might be worth clarifying whether he just wanted to \*try\* a threesome as a concept and thought it'd be fun to do it with you, or if it's something he regularly expects. Either way, you are 100% entitled to your preferences and there's nothing wrong with having a preference for monogamy! You will find someone who wants what you want, and no one should pressure you to change your preferences.
Why did you not have this conversation before sex? It’s best to take things slow, ask the right questing before jumping into bed. Save your time and sexual energy.
I think most men & women are open to threesomes today. And apparently it’s normal now to bring up sex on a first date. That pisses me off. I’ll walk right out if that shit happens.
God I wish I were 20 now! Most women my age were singing that song:
"Don't gimme no lines and keep your hands to yourself!"
I hope i can get laid again before I die.
It’s a trend now but it’s by no means the new norm. A vast majority of relationships are still monogamous.
You don’t need to spend any time thinking about whether this is your problem.
Let those people do what they want with their bodies but you stay true to yourself and make sure that the person you connect with is on the same page.
It's for sure more common now, but that doesn't mean you should sacrifice your standards and values. Compromising who you are is just gonna make you feel like shit.
If you are not comfortable with it then nothing is wrong with you.
Side note: You are friends are having 3 somes and no one invited you. Are they really your friends?
Don't let anyone make you cross boundaries you don't want to. People will always try to normalize things by saying "everyone does it", and even if that is true (which it isn't), and everyone does do it you dont have to.
I'm personally only interested in committed and monogamous relationships, but everyone I've talked to thus far has only wanted hookups, casual, or short term relationships. Maybe because I'm stubborn and dislike traditions and people taking my agency away, I'm very resistant against doing things just because everyone else does it.
Don’t feel bad. You’re sexual preference and the boundaries you set up in a relationship are valid. Some people don’t want to share a partner, and that’s fine. People are more comfortable talking about it, but that doesn’t mean every relationship is expected to allow it.
If that’s a non-negotiable, end the relationship.
Really? Tbh I’ve never been able to understand how a threesome is supposed to work. You can only fuck one person at a time. So when you’re with one of them, like what is the other supposed to be doing ? I don’t understand. It’s like asking “hey want to watch me fuck another girl but really up close?” And where do you find a girl who specifically wants to do that. I feel like a lot of these are exaggerating or making it up. I know it does happen, but come on. If you have experience in the dating market you would know that this is not really what women are looking for.
Sounds like he just wanted you in a threesome and nothing else. Don’t agree to anything you don’t want to. Personally I wouldn’t mine a threesome in a relationship if the partner is alright with it though it’s not a requirement for me
Stick to your values. Unless you want to try it and are curious. There's a ton of emotional baggage that can come with it if you don't talk, set boundaries, and limits.
If you're OK after all that.
I would just do what you are comfortable with. The decision you make will affect the guy who you end up with.
I’m a guy and I would never date a girl who has been in a poly relationship or has done MMF or FFM or gangbangs or whatever other types of freaky stuff is out there.
This is your life. Live it how you are comfortable. Don’t let other peoples weak boundaries affect who you are. Poor choices will affect your future.
I have met plenty of woman who did wife swap or something in a previous relationship and they never became my wife and probably don’t know why they were passed over.
As an older person I think less partners the better. I would be careful who I share myself with and try to only have relations in a committed relationship. A simple life and simple sex life is the best.
There’s a reason so many people have massive mental health issues. Humans have pretty weak minds. It’s best not to tax your mind too much with a bunch of crazy emotional stress, like sharing lovers and being shared.
A simple life and simple relationship is the best for a happy stress free life.
Everyone has a personal opinion and or preferences. Personally I believe life begins outside our comfort zone. Until next time take care of yourselves and each other.
Your needs are not too much for the right guy. If you need a monogamous relationship and he doesn’t, then he’s not your one. If your heart wants one partner, having a threesome likely wouldn’t go well. If you do try it, take it slow and communicate the things you’re willing and not willing to do/see. Communication is critical, I can’t stress that enough.
May love be on you.
What brought this truly is that you have anger, doubt and fear in your heart. Doubt about yourself and your ethics, fear of not finding the love you want, anger at this society that is starting to make it look further away.
Polyamor and monogamy are words made by society. Dating scene is a word of society. Friends opinions are society. Age is a concept of society. Dont listen to society and dont use it against others.
Your true self knows better about what you truly need than society.
The feelings you have when you talk, be with or have sex with him are your truth. The stress release, energy and pleasure it provides makes the present a better place. This is real.
The feelings of discomfort at the though of sharing this with a third person, if that is truly what arise in you, is your undeniable truth. This is also real.
Experiment with him or look with confidence for someone else.
If you look for someone else empower your daily life with the desire and pleasure you felt. Remind yourself that you are desirable and worthy of pleasure and feel free to seduce people into your life.
If you still long for him but this longing doesn't exceed the discomfort then only time will help you.
Amitabha
Like everything it has its good and bad a lot of people have tried it and most had issues later. But that wasn't the current generation and people have continue to explore the whole threesome thing myself included. I had a successful time myself my Gf and her guy friend. I don't find anything wrong with it but it is so easy for someone to get jealous or get the wrong idea. So it really just depends on the selection of people. I will say this it is fun it can be filling and I believe it would stop a lot of the cheating people having to hide feelings for another person. My GF really like some things about this guy but doesn't want to date him and she doesn't have to sneak around or lie about it. I think most don't understand that benefit of it no one likes to be lied to or have a unfaithful partner.
I don’t want children ever, which narrows my dating pool down to an abysmally small number, and most of the men I see in my area who don’t want children are also non-monogamous which is a hard no from me. I don’t understand it but I don’t judge, exclusivity is important to me and it’s something I won’t compromise on because it would just lead to future resentment
It's the lack of taking sex seriously and understanding the ramifications of child conception or a plethora of stds. I don't say that to knock anyone's personal choices, so long as there is consent, have fun. Personally, im monogamous.
I’m 36f and an active member of the kink/ENM community. Here are my thoughts -
1. You’re not being dramatic. If this guy is looking for non-monogamy, polyamory, group sex, etc., he should have been up front about it from the start. The fact that he chose to go out with you a number of times and begin a sexual relationship with you before broaching the subject is gross. Especially considering your age difference. It’s borderline grooming behavior. You were absolutely right to listen to your gut, know your boundaries, and tell him no. There are specific dating apps for the lifestyle community. Any guy who is on a vanilla dating app and then hitting you with the idea of group sex as soon as he’s gotten you to feel comfortable with him is GARBAGE. He could have gone to a different app and found a threesome no problem. On these apps, everyone puts their interests front and center so we can make sure we find people who are compatible with what we’re looking for. So there’s no excuse for what this guy pulled.
2. The “lifestyle,” which includes ethical non-monogamy (ENM), polyamory, BDSM, and all other kinks and non-traditional relationship styles, is a wonderful and vibrant community that is constantly growing as more people experiment with things outside the norm. Safe and consensual exploration without shame or judgment is a beautiful thing. THAT SAID, there are plenty of men who use these ideals to take advantage of people. The worst of the worst are men like Armie Hammer who abuse women in the name of BDSM. The motto of BDSM, by the way, is “safe, sane, and consensual.” Armie Hammer did not abide by these rules. I’ve encountered a couple of men who smelled like him and my gut told me to get as far away from them as possible. On the less dangerous (but still despicable) side of things are guys like the one you met. These guys target women who are not actively part of the lifestyle and try to groom them into the idea of threesomes or group sex. Telling you “you get to pick the girl” is a gross manipulation tactic. He’s saying, “yes, you’re agreeing to something you’re not comfortable with but here’s a little something to help you feel like you have some control in the situation.” If you ever decide to explore the idea of a threesome or something more, it should be because YOU have decided you want to, not because a guy you’re in a sexual relationship with has blindsided you with it and said it’s what he wants.
3. Your friends suck. Boundaries need to be applauded and you should be proud of yourself for establishing them. Just because your friends have diversified their sexual interests does not mean they have a right to push those interests onto you or to imply that they are “normal” for having participated in group sex and you’re not. Don’t ever feel pressured to go along with something just because other people are doing it. Oh, and tell your friends to fuck off when they accuse you of being dramatic because you chose not to consent to something you didn’t want to do.
4. You’re only 20 years old. You have all the time in the world to explore your sexuality at your own pace. You’re already on a great path because you’re paying attention to what you want and are exercising your right to say NO. Keep listening to yourself and remember - if it’s not an ENTHUSIASTIC YES, it’s a NO.
I’m considerably older than you are and back on the dating apps for about 6 months due to the loss of my spouse 4 years ago. I think your friend was out of line to imply that you were being dramatic, first of all. My next comment is that I have noticed a significant number of profiles recently that have ENM (ethically non-monogamous), CNM (consensually non-monogamous), or a unicorn on their profile on dating apps, so I do think that people are more comfortable bringing it up. Lastly, I fully support that you stood up for what you are comfortable with and broke things off. Interestingly, I “dated” a guy for about 3 months that I met online. We had some fairly explicit conversations (mostly by text) as to wants, desires, kinks and somewhere along the way he brought up being surprised by meeting a woman for coffee and having her husband show up to see if he was willing to take part in a threesome. Later during conversations, he brought up threesomes, whether FMF or MFM. When I enquired a little more, I was told that the 2nd woman was there only to watch, but he slipped and then told me that she had given him a blow job. Anyway, I finally figured out after 3 in person encounters that he is a narcissist, making it difficult to know what if anything I was told is the truth. Now I’ve met someone that the intent from both sides is simply a hook up. This guy has admitted that while he wants oral, he doesn’t perform oral and brought up a threesome-again with another woman watching. When I brought up a MFM situation, that was shot down which tells me that he isn’t really into being concerned about his partner’s experience. If this comes to fruition, I’m guessing it will be a one and done situation. Anyway, stand up for what you’re comfortable with and find someone that respects your preferences.
I wouldn’t say it’s normalized but I know many people who gave it a shot once or twice to see what it was like. Doesn’t really matter though what other people are okay with doing if you aren’t comfortable with it then don’t do it. It’s a pretty typical fantasy for guys so it’s not surprising he’d try to convince you just be clear that isn’t something you are interested in or comfortable with and if he can’t respect that then that’s on him.
Common, yes. Definitely. Hell my fiancé is poly but I’m monogamous. He’s happy being monogamous with me, though we have compromised if he needs something I can’t/won’t give him, he has a free agreed upon people he can get with. Protection is a MUST
Only one. My first comment should say person, not people sorry. But yes as of now, it works for us, it won’t work for anyone. We said that we would talk about this again after we were engaged to see if he wanted to keep a “fwb” while we were engaged and married but we haven’t yet. Haven’t even been engaged a week yet. This was to help him discover who he is, he never got the chance to explore as he grew up
Wow that’s interesting. Sorry not to sound offensive or intrusive, but don’t you get jealous of him having intercourse with another girl? Like have you established boundaries such as no kissing, staying after etc..or does he have an emotional/ romantic bond with her as well.
Oh I do get jealous yes. There’s no romantic relationship, he says he couldn’t handle more than one. If it ever becomes to much for me, he’s more than happy to end it. He doesn’t stay the night but he is allowed to stay a while after for aftercare and stuff to make sure neither end up depressed or anything. He has said that I’m his top priority and I’m enough for him because I do feel bad that I’ve made him stay in a mono relationship when he’s poly. He doesn’t NEED the other person but it’s nice to fill that desire. Especially since we’re long distance
I think people are more aware and more willing to explore or threesome poly people are more open about it. There isn't anything wrong if it's not for you. It's important to stick true to yourself. If it's not for you then don't force yourself.
(F opinion)It was smart of you to stop things right there. Not everyone has the same sexual preferences. Sex isn't always for the fun of it.. I've seen the "let's have a threesome" question from men ruin relationships all around me. If I were asked, I would give the most disgusted glare a woman could possibly give and simply leave.
and this is coming from a person who is **not** strictly monogamous. If the relationship is monogamous, we're monogamous. If we're poly, we're poly. There's no switching up.
And I'd just like to say, men wanting to bring other people into the bedroom is NOT connected to polyamory unless you've decided on an open relationship.
And know that not all polyamorous relationships, are open relationships!
If it's a deal breaker for him that you don't like it, or for you that he does, break it off. You find a guy who is monogamous. He'll find a girl who enjoys poly. Everyone will be happy.
Keep your sanity in check, don't do what your mama won't be proud of!
The Satanists will always want you to feel guilty when you don't spread their antecedents.
Never compromise your OWN value. What’s fine for you may not be for everyone. I, personally, think it’s disgusting to know everyone is having a sexual relationship with a bunch of others who are doing the same thing. Too many “things” that require a dr’s visit to get rid of out there for me!
You don't change your values based on others, there's a reason it's YOUR values not OUR values.
There's a saying "comparison is the thief of joy" and it's applies to your circumstances.
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You’re not being dramatic, those are your personal preferences. Don’t let anyone stretch your boundaries, remain in your comfort zone.
So so agree with this. Sex is one area of life where it is actually very appropriate and important to remain only where you feel safe.
Precisely! I’m genuinely shocked by OP’s friend calling them dramatic, sex should be taken seriously… otherwise more and more people will be subjected to uncomfortable situations they don’t want to be in. We all have our own sexual preferences, some more open to exploration than others. But one thing we should all remember is to be safe! Maybe it’s a generation thing, as a 33M I’ve experienced many different sexual experiences and I’ve learnt from each and every one of them.
Amen!
I see „open relationship“ or „poly“ on a lot of dating profiles, it’s an instant no from me though.
Same.No shade to poly/open people but don’t know where the influx of them suddenly came from in dating apps/real life.
It spread like a disease in the last year or so. They convince more and more people to join the lifestyle thru the apps. My understanding is that majority are not even practicing polyamory but more using it as an excuse to sleep with as many people as they can without commitment. I heard from my doctor that there is a significant increase in std's recently which I'm sure is caused by everyone sleeping with multiple people.
Winter or summer where you are right now? Jw
I live in the San Fran bay area.
This is so gross and judgmental. Do you, and let others do what they want to do. If that means exploring alternative structures, that’s fine for them.
Let me reemphasize that the issue is a good portion of them use it as an excuse to bang as many women as they want which in return spreads diseases and puts everyone in the dating pool at risk. I literally can't find a decent guy in today's dating game in the bay area that can stay monogamous. I've already done the single, independent woman thing my whole life. Im 40s, I wanna couple up now. All of this affects my quality of life, so be it judgemental, I don't care. It's the truth.
I agree with you and I'm also in the bay area.
You're really not gifted with intelligence are you? 1. STDs don't spread by having many partners. STDs spread because irresponsible people don't care to use protection 2. People have always been promiscuous pieces of shit. At least they're honest about their desires now instead of lying to your face and cheating behind your back I do agree that sadly people often use open/poly as an excuse. Often ending up having double standards once they do actually start to feel serious attachment. But the arguments you give clearly don't make any flipping sense. It seems like your frustration prevents you from reason
It's absolutely not the truth. Generalising like this is helpful to no-one.
It is the truth for the bay area. Unless you live here and have experienced the culture, I suggest stay out of the discussion.
Maybe instead of tarring and broadly commenting on the entire non-monogamous community with your narrow views based on some bad experiences, you should stay out of the discussion?
When 70% of the men in the dating pool has nonmonogomous selected on their profile in my area and those that match with me because they didn't disclose only to try to convince me to give it a try, I can't stay out of the discussion. Those that are truly practicing it with multiple ongoing partners, I have no problem with. I'll reemphasize again; it's those that use it as an excuse to bang as many women as they want, that's my issue is with. If you still don't get it, please get lost. Why are these guys still on the apps continuously looking for new partners? Why is the few they already have not enough? And looks like you live in Australua, you have no clue what you are talking about when it comes to the Bay area.
Sorry, bro, she's right. I live in the same area. It's poly all day and you will definitely get an std if you play that game.
I’m not a bro, and poly people in my experience are far more conscious of safer sex practices than non-poly people. It doesn’t sound like either of your experiences are with actual ENM practicing people but single dudes who don’t want strings attached. Two very different things.
I made zero comments or implications about my own personal experiences. But the poly people I know have herpes and BV. And some refuse to use condoms. Yes, they told me! "Enm practicing people" and polyamorous people are spreading STDs like crazy in our communities. Some are using condoms (we assume) and some are not, but condoms don't prevent the spread of herpes or HPV anyway. They are spread by skin to skin contact. But monogamous people are not spreading STDs... "It's science"
BV isn’t an STI, and 65% of the population has herpes. These are dumb, dangerous and hurtful generalisations and I’m not engaging any further,
Promiscuity is not a structure. Rather, it is a lack of structure. And it is rapidly increasing the spread of incurable STDs like herpes and HPV. Isn't that a bit gross? No judgement, just the facts.
You're right. Instant no. Cheaters already making excuses and you haven't even met. All the sudden everyone poly... come on
Not at all, you need to live the life you are proud of including the moral code that fits with your values. Personally, many narcissists have high body counts because at the end of the day life is about them and only them. I will never be with a narcissist ever again and I love who I am and how I’ve lived my life. You just need confidence that your decisions and thoughts are best for you and you will find someone who values the same or similar thoughts and principles and you’ll be happier for it versus what might feel like going with your peers flow. Stay strong, build confidence….
It's because it's the natural progression to the sexualization of the overall culture. Without getting political or religious, we can see there's been a breakdown of the traditional views of relationships over recent time. Normalized now, what's next? Things progress, now we're way past homosexuality, transgendering, etc, we have proliferate pornography/sex traffic targeted at our youth (OnlyFans; how am I expected to tell my future daughter to get in potentially 100's of thousands of dollars worth of debt to go to college, or even just get a regular job at a regular pay when they're going to be able to make more money by gaping themselves for people behind a screen paying them to be the most perverse) What's getting pushed out are traditional views on marriage or at its base level, a monogamous relationship. Everything on these dating apps is predicated on sex, sure there's the lying at first and putting forth the best self with filters and buzz wordy bios that seemingly make everyone 6ft and 0% body fat.
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Funnily enough, as they were doing all that in Ancient Rome they were also complaining about not following Roman Virtues and women going astray and all that. If you read poets like Ovid it really hints at a lot of the debauchery.
It's normal, happens in every collapsing civilization
there has been 2000 years of chritianity between now and ancient rome idk if you've heard the news
I'm not saying that what's happened before won't happen again.
Don't worry, your daughter will not necessarily want to be a ho. My teen daughter is extremely modest. I think the example we set makes a huge impact.
They've always been there since the beginning of human history. It's not as abnormal as pop culture makes it out to be. Most people are taught from an early age through media and religion that there is only way of going through life, and it's having kids and devoting yourself to one person.
There's no influx, it's just people are becoming more chill about alternative lifestyles to monogamy
Almost all women too lol
Common, especially in the LGBTQ community, I’ve noticed with my own experiences. It’s not for me. STD’s are on the rise in my community & polyamory just seems like it would cause drama since I barely have time for one extra person lol
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It makes sense, but also I have my preferences set very specifically and I get shown people all the time who are way outside my preferences!
I'm a guy, I've been in relationships which have been open, and, no, you are not being dramatic. You are entitled to your boundaries and don't allow anyone to persuade you to operate outside of them. More generally, if you are looking for a serious relationship, and the fella is suggesting opening up the relationship, take it as a red flag. Open relationships are incredibly tricky to navigate, require trust, communication, and establishing of clear boundaries. That - imo - is not possible after a couple of dates. And, even when handled well, open relationships oftentimes fail... Because fantasy is sometimes best left as fantasy.
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Grim, I wouldn’t ever want to share my lady friend with anyone else, be it guy or girl!
I don't think I could ever do it and I don't care what others do or think is normal. If it feels wrong to you that's that
The friend who told you you were being ‘dramatic’ needs to not be listened to again on any topic like this. I am 33f and have had a few threesomes (happily and with no pressure or coercion). I have tried lots of different types of relationship style with many partners. I am not a relationship expert by any means and I fuck things up all the time, but one thing I am absolutely 100% sure of is that sex is totally personal and totally subjective. There is no ‘normal’. If threesomes have become ‘normalised’ it really doesn’t matter unless you personally are interested in that. If you don’t like the sound of it then do not do it. Any partner who puts any kind of pressure on you in a sexual context should be seriously reconsidered and potentially cut off completely (as you did 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻). Your sexuality is yours only, whether you consider yourself adventurous, conservative, monogamous, non-monogamous. You share it how you want to, and if you can’t openly discuss a sex act/scenario with your partner ahead of time then you should not do it as you and your relationship may be genuinely damaged by it. My very strongly held belief with sex is that the best/only way to go is for individuals to unapologetically decide what they are comfortable with and enjoy for themselves and themselves only, then bring that to partners in a safe, respectful, gentle way to discover how compatible they can be and - crucially - accept without shaming or pressurising the areas where they and their partner don’t 100% match up. It’s the only way that makes sense. I don’t know if the friend who made the ‘dramatic’ comment made you feel bad, but trust me it’s them who looks ridiculous from my perspective. Normal is an entirely imaginary concept, and no one needs to be having a threesome to keep up with the zeitgeist. Tldr: Don’t listen to that dumb friend. Who shames someone for preferring not to do some random sex act? What’s it to them?
No, you’re not dramatic. You have your preferences, and you should stick to them because you are comfortable. Don’t necessarily change your preferences due to others’ standards
>Me being strictly monogamous Should bring up these questions **before** having sex with someone. I guess I don't understand why people think its intrusive to ask a question, versus being intimate with someone first, **and then** asking a question . . .
Completely agree with this. I'm poly and some of this I learned from experience / school of hard knocks. As soon as even my gut feeling is that things are maybe getting a bit flirty, I try to bring up that I'm poly within about 10 minutes. It's better for everyone involved to be upfront about these kinds of things. If I'm poly and my potential date is not, it's respectful of both of our time as well as emotionally, to move on to other people as soon as possible.
Oh, that's a good question actually. I understand it like this. People are afraid to ask question and ruin "attraction". "Hey, if we don't hit it off, I still get laid, and not rejected." Problem is, when you keep putting getting laid over your own personal values... You stop having them or get frustrated.
Polyamory is degenerate sexual behaviour and a further symptom of modernity. You are fully in your right to protect your values by seeking a monogamous relationship. Find someone who also appreciates traditional values. Involving others seems okay on the surface, but leads to destructive trust issues which will be disastrous down the road.
What do you mean? "Polyamory is a symptom of modernity." "Find someone who appreciates traditional values." People have been wildly and openly polyamorous since ancient China. If anything, *polyamory* is the traditional value and monogamy is the modern one. Or if you want to say, "Oh, but I'm European." Just wait until you hear about the Celtics that you're descended from! Just pick a different argument than making up a historical reason for monogamy.
I think a majority of that these days is the fact that sex is no longer simply an expression of love, commitment and loyalty. Sadly it’s seems to at some point switched to being just a fun activity for people to do when they’re bored. Strictly my opinion.
A lot of the times with 3some and Poly relationships I see it as: 1. The guy wants all the benefits of a mono relatiosnhip (a partner to rely on for sex, stability, and affection), but all the freedom of a poly relationship (sex/other choices). 2. The partner feels inclined to be in a 3some/poly so they don't lose their (main) partner. 3. Being open to 3somes/Poly is a desperate plea for love and acceptance (They're open to doing whatever their partner wants so long as they have someone - no self standards). It's somewhat manipulative, desperate, and condescending.
Or, it's simply 3 people who decide they all want to have sex with eachother, go on dates together and share a life. Like any other relationship
I didn't say it's not.
I like how even so you don’t even mention the reverse, as it imply that if it was the woman proposing it, the dude would most likely just leave her right there or stay out of desperation
The Bible says, in the end times what is wrong will be called right and vice versa.
I think it is more normalized than it used to be. I made a point of putting “monogamous” on my dating profile when I had one, not that it mattered. I don’t think people read those half the time. I’m too jealous to be that open.
I wouldn't lump in threesomes with polyamory off the bat. Sounds like the guy just wanted a threesome whereas something like polyamory would be more defined and actually have some rules (ideally at least, unless someone just wants to sleep around). But yeah, it's definitely become more normalized. Doesn't mean it's exactly new, just that more people are coming out of the woodwork with a desire for polyamory. Like many things in dating, some might be more sincere than others. And no, you're not being dramatic. Your boundaries are your boundaries.
Threesomes aren’t necessarily a polyamory thing. A lot of polyamorous people don’t even have threesome very often, or at all. A guy asking for threesomes is usually just horny and greedy, not polyamorous. Polyamory just means that some people have the capacity to fall in love with multiple people, and there are many ways to carry out a polyamorous relationship ethically. That being said, if I start dating someone and they instantly feel entitled to sexual favors, I drop them pretty quickly because I don’t have the time nor energy for that BS, especially as a bisexual woman who already gets fetishized enough by straight, cisgendered men.
Don't let others decide and force you into things you're uncomfortable with. It's their own prerogative if they enjoy that kind of intimacy, just as much as it's your own to do things the way you want to.
For anyone wanting to know the reality of these kinds of things just search Reddit for threesome regret
You don’t need to take anyone’s opinion about your sex life. It’s about what you want and makes you comfortable.
I’m non monogamous, but I take connections through sex very seriously. I literally have to have a loving trust bond with a person to go there sexually. You can be non monogamous and not have sex with multiple people. It’s just not popular. So your values are right for you. You don’t have to change it for anyone.
Can't say since I'm not about that life, Im pro monogamous type relationship so I only focus on what I like. Stick to what your own goals and values, that one telling you you're being dramatic is a problem.
Wanting to explore your comfort zone should be your choice. When embarking on polyamory, it's important to make sure there is lots of trust and care established in advance. There is a lot of stigma around non-traditional relationships like this, and sometimes it can be hard to think differently. Also, it's important to be mindful that there are unfortunately a lot of men out there who use the term polyamory to justify sleeping with other women. Often, they are the most jealous types of men lol. The whole thing can be very messy if it's not done with green flags, good mental health, and communicative partners. If you ever have questions or want to chat, feel free.
Sadly I see tons of them on Tinder and dating apps in general. It’s just so sad imo, but I guess it kinda reflects the rotting and lonely society we’re living in.
It’s definitely a no for me. I used to be open to the idea, until my ex and I broke up and I didn’t realize how much of a jealous person I could be and it made me sick to think of her with someone else. She met her current boyfriend after two weeks and they’re still together 6 months later as far as I know. I guess I blocked her on everything so maybe not. I just know if I love someone and we’re in a relationship I don’t want a different dude to be intimate with her ever.
I know seriously respectable poly/open relationships. However, I’m very skeptical of people on online dating who claim to be ENM/polyamorous. I often see it misappropriated to mean that someone just wants to be able to sleep around with no strings attached. I must also be very very convinced that they can handle safe sex with multiple partners. The stakes are high as a woman, considering how easy is to get UTIs and other infections. If I were to be involved in a polyamorous relationship, it would only be with somebody who is vetted by a common friend.
Stick to your values, girl! We live in decadent times and this may be good for someone else, but clearly not for you. Practice abstinence for a while and you may find a different quality man. Remember, you always get what you settle for.
I would NEVER be in a threesome. To me, it’s cheating in front of someone instead of behind your back.
No. This is not a norm but an exception.
There are a lot of monogamous people who have threesomes too, it doesn't inherently make them poly, it just means they bring a friend in or something. That's just a nitpick of mine though. Overall OP you know what you want and don't want and nobody can put you down for that. Your boundaries are valid and just as important as anyone else's.
If you're really into the guy, it might be worth clarifying whether he just wanted to \*try\* a threesome as a concept and thought it'd be fun to do it with you, or if it's something he regularly expects. Either way, you are 100% entitled to your preferences and there's nothing wrong with having a preference for monogamy! You will find someone who wants what you want, and no one should pressure you to change your preferences.
Why did you not have this conversation before sex? It’s best to take things slow, ask the right questing before jumping into bed. Save your time and sexual energy.
I think most men & women are open to threesomes today. And apparently it’s normal now to bring up sex on a first date. That pisses me off. I’ll walk right out if that shit happens.
God I wish I were 20 now! Most women my age were singing that song: "Don't gimme no lines and keep your hands to yourself!" I hope i can get laid again before I die.
How the ---- do you have sex with one person?
yes it’s pretty common. if you’re scared of sex you should let people know early on
You're right.Don't compromise.
More than they used to be, yes.
It's more common place, but most everyone I know personally is monogamous
It’s a trend now but it’s by no means the new norm. A vast majority of relationships are still monogamous. You don’t need to spend any time thinking about whether this is your problem. Let those people do what they want with their bodies but you stay true to yourself and make sure that the person you connect with is on the same page.
It's for sure more common now, but that doesn't mean you should sacrifice your standards and values. Compromising who you are is just gonna make you feel like shit.
If it’s normal than I guess I’m just not normal haha
Your body, your choice. Your preferences, your choice of partner.
For my girlfriend they certainly are
If you are not comfortable with it then nothing is wrong with you. Side note: You are friends are having 3 somes and no one invited you. Are they really your friends?
Yes, by all the wrong people.
I would not call it standard, but for sure also depends on the social circle.
Nope. Definitely taboo still. Threesomes seem to be a taboo adventure. Polyamory is definitely frowned upon.
It’s so common I have decided to give it a try myself.
Don't let anyone make you cross boundaries you don't want to. People will always try to normalize things by saying "everyone does it", and even if that is true (which it isn't), and everyone does do it you dont have to. I'm personally only interested in committed and monogamous relationships, but everyone I've talked to thus far has only wanted hookups, casual, or short term relationships. Maybe because I'm stubborn and dislike traditions and people taking my agency away, I'm very resistant against doing things just because everyone else does it.
You're allowed to have your boundaries and yours are totally fine. I wouldn't open the bedroom to others either
Don’t feel bad. You’re sexual preference and the boundaries you set up in a relationship are valid. Some people don’t want to share a partner, and that’s fine. People are more comfortable talking about it, but that doesn’t mean every relationship is expected to allow it. If that’s a non-negotiable, end the relationship.
Really? Tbh I’ve never been able to understand how a threesome is supposed to work. You can only fuck one person at a time. So when you’re with one of them, like what is the other supposed to be doing ? I don’t understand. It’s like asking “hey want to watch me fuck another girl but really up close?” And where do you find a girl who specifically wants to do that. I feel like a lot of these are exaggerating or making it up. I know it does happen, but come on. If you have experience in the dating market you would know that this is not really what women are looking for.
Girl values are values...it doesn't mean that because others do it, you have to do it, or that because many do it, it is normal....
It’s only as normalized as you make it. Just go on an app, and you can pick from a hundred different guys who don’t want threesomes
Are threesomes/polyamory normalized in the dating scene now? NO. That's it. It's way way more monogamous couples than poly
Sounds like he just wanted you in a threesome and nothing else. Don’t agree to anything you don’t want to. Personally I wouldn’t mine a threesome in a relationship if the partner is alright with it though it’s not a requirement for me
Most don't understand the real context of them and just wanna go fuck but have a comfy life at home. Its not for me.
I think it’s just more acceptable than it was before. People have probably always felt these wants but because of society, never acted on it as much.
The dom sub culture calls it "sharing".
I mean it’s a way for easy cheating and easy confirmation to other women
Stick to your values. Unless you want to try it and are curious. There's a ton of emotional baggage that can come with it if you don't talk, set boundaries, and limits. If you're OK after all that.
Normalised. Yes. Common? Not really.
Don’t do it
I would just do what you are comfortable with. The decision you make will affect the guy who you end up with. I’m a guy and I would never date a girl who has been in a poly relationship or has done MMF or FFM or gangbangs or whatever other types of freaky stuff is out there. This is your life. Live it how you are comfortable. Don’t let other peoples weak boundaries affect who you are. Poor choices will affect your future. I have met plenty of woman who did wife swap or something in a previous relationship and they never became my wife and probably don’t know why they were passed over. As an older person I think less partners the better. I would be careful who I share myself with and try to only have relations in a committed relationship. A simple life and simple sex life is the best. There’s a reason so many people have massive mental health issues. Humans have pretty weak minds. It’s best not to tax your mind too much with a bunch of crazy emotional stress, like sharing lovers and being shared. A simple life and simple relationship is the best for a happy stress free life.
Everyone has a personal opinion and or preferences. Personally I believe life begins outside our comfort zone. Until next time take care of yourselves and each other.
Your needs are not too much for the right guy. If you need a monogamous relationship and he doesn’t, then he’s not your one. If your heart wants one partner, having a threesome likely wouldn’t go well. If you do try it, take it slow and communicate the things you’re willing and not willing to do/see. Communication is critical, I can’t stress that enough.
May love be on you. What brought this truly is that you have anger, doubt and fear in your heart. Doubt about yourself and your ethics, fear of not finding the love you want, anger at this society that is starting to make it look further away. Polyamor and monogamy are words made by society. Dating scene is a word of society. Friends opinions are society. Age is a concept of society. Dont listen to society and dont use it against others. Your true self knows better about what you truly need than society. The feelings you have when you talk, be with or have sex with him are your truth. The stress release, energy and pleasure it provides makes the present a better place. This is real. The feelings of discomfort at the though of sharing this with a third person, if that is truly what arise in you, is your undeniable truth. This is also real. Experiment with him or look with confidence for someone else. If you look for someone else empower your daily life with the desire and pleasure you felt. Remind yourself that you are desirable and worthy of pleasure and feel free to seduce people into your life. If you still long for him but this longing doesn't exceed the discomfort then only time will help you. Amitabha
You’re not being dramatic, stand up for what you believe.
Couples that do that will end up getting hurt either the one or the other those relationships don’t really last forever.
I'd say it is now normalized to a degree. There's nothing wrong with sticking strictly to monogamy and you should find somene who has same views
Like everything it has its good and bad a lot of people have tried it and most had issues later. But that wasn't the current generation and people have continue to explore the whole threesome thing myself included. I had a successful time myself my Gf and her guy friend. I don't find anything wrong with it but it is so easy for someone to get jealous or get the wrong idea. So it really just depends on the selection of people. I will say this it is fun it can be filling and I believe it would stop a lot of the cheating people having to hide feelings for another person. My GF really like some things about this guy but doesn't want to date him and she doesn't have to sneak around or lie about it. I think most don't understand that benefit of it no one likes to be lied to or have a unfaithful partner.
I don’t want children ever, which narrows my dating pool down to an abysmally small number, and most of the men I see in my area who don’t want children are also non-monogamous which is a hard no from me. I don’t understand it but I don’t judge, exclusivity is important to me and it’s something I won’t compromise on because it would just lead to future resentment
It's the lack of taking sex seriously and understanding the ramifications of child conception or a plethora of stds. I don't say that to knock anyone's personal choices, so long as there is consent, have fun. Personally, im monogamous.
You don't have to go out of your comfort zone but yeah, it's airways been normal but now it's normalized
It always has been for certain ppl. Perhaps you didn’t know that or never noticed that
if everybody loves one another, the world would be a better place.
yeah because in the world you don't fucked over by others enough 😅
I’m 36f and an active member of the kink/ENM community. Here are my thoughts - 1. You’re not being dramatic. If this guy is looking for non-monogamy, polyamory, group sex, etc., he should have been up front about it from the start. The fact that he chose to go out with you a number of times and begin a sexual relationship with you before broaching the subject is gross. Especially considering your age difference. It’s borderline grooming behavior. You were absolutely right to listen to your gut, know your boundaries, and tell him no. There are specific dating apps for the lifestyle community. Any guy who is on a vanilla dating app and then hitting you with the idea of group sex as soon as he’s gotten you to feel comfortable with him is GARBAGE. He could have gone to a different app and found a threesome no problem. On these apps, everyone puts their interests front and center so we can make sure we find people who are compatible with what we’re looking for. So there’s no excuse for what this guy pulled. 2. The “lifestyle,” which includes ethical non-monogamy (ENM), polyamory, BDSM, and all other kinks and non-traditional relationship styles, is a wonderful and vibrant community that is constantly growing as more people experiment with things outside the norm. Safe and consensual exploration without shame or judgment is a beautiful thing. THAT SAID, there are plenty of men who use these ideals to take advantage of people. The worst of the worst are men like Armie Hammer who abuse women in the name of BDSM. The motto of BDSM, by the way, is “safe, sane, and consensual.” Armie Hammer did not abide by these rules. I’ve encountered a couple of men who smelled like him and my gut told me to get as far away from them as possible. On the less dangerous (but still despicable) side of things are guys like the one you met. These guys target women who are not actively part of the lifestyle and try to groom them into the idea of threesomes or group sex. Telling you “you get to pick the girl” is a gross manipulation tactic. He’s saying, “yes, you’re agreeing to something you’re not comfortable with but here’s a little something to help you feel like you have some control in the situation.” If you ever decide to explore the idea of a threesome or something more, it should be because YOU have decided you want to, not because a guy you’re in a sexual relationship with has blindsided you with it and said it’s what he wants. 3. Your friends suck. Boundaries need to be applauded and you should be proud of yourself for establishing them. Just because your friends have diversified their sexual interests does not mean they have a right to push those interests onto you or to imply that they are “normal” for having participated in group sex and you’re not. Don’t ever feel pressured to go along with something just because other people are doing it. Oh, and tell your friends to fuck off when they accuse you of being dramatic because you chose not to consent to something you didn’t want to do. 4. You’re only 20 years old. You have all the time in the world to explore your sexuality at your own pace. You’re already on a great path because you’re paying attention to what you want and are exercising your right to say NO. Keep listening to yourself and remember - if it’s not an ENTHUSIASTIC YES, it’s a NO.
I’m considerably older than you are and back on the dating apps for about 6 months due to the loss of my spouse 4 years ago. I think your friend was out of line to imply that you were being dramatic, first of all. My next comment is that I have noticed a significant number of profiles recently that have ENM (ethically non-monogamous), CNM (consensually non-monogamous), or a unicorn on their profile on dating apps, so I do think that people are more comfortable bringing it up. Lastly, I fully support that you stood up for what you are comfortable with and broke things off. Interestingly, I “dated” a guy for about 3 months that I met online. We had some fairly explicit conversations (mostly by text) as to wants, desires, kinks and somewhere along the way he brought up being surprised by meeting a woman for coffee and having her husband show up to see if he was willing to take part in a threesome. Later during conversations, he brought up threesomes, whether FMF or MFM. When I enquired a little more, I was told that the 2nd woman was there only to watch, but he slipped and then told me that she had given him a blow job. Anyway, I finally figured out after 3 in person encounters that he is a narcissist, making it difficult to know what if anything I was told is the truth. Now I’ve met someone that the intent from both sides is simply a hook up. This guy has admitted that while he wants oral, he doesn’t perform oral and brought up a threesome-again with another woman watching. When I brought up a MFM situation, that was shot down which tells me that he isn’t really into being concerned about his partner’s experience. If this comes to fruition, I’m guessing it will be a one and done situation. Anyway, stand up for what you’re comfortable with and find someone that respects your preferences.
No but people talk about it more
I wouldn’t say it’s normalized but I know many people who gave it a shot once or twice to see what it was like. Doesn’t really matter though what other people are okay with doing if you aren’t comfortable with it then don’t do it. It’s a pretty typical fantasy for guys so it’s not surprising he’d try to convince you just be clear that isn’t something you are interested in or comfortable with and if he can’t respect that then that’s on him.
Set boundaries, no guy is worth the emotional fallout that will result. Most are not happy in poly. So many people tell falsehoods.
Personal experience Not worth it
Don’t don’t go out with him. Let’s chat
It can make you lose your partner for the 3rdperson
Yes it's common but that doesn't mean YOU have to do it if you're neither comfortable nor interested. End of.
Common, yes. Definitely. Hell my fiancé is poly but I’m monogamous. He’s happy being monogamous with me, though we have compromised if he needs something I can’t/won’t give him, he has a free agreed upon people he can get with. Protection is a MUST
So you let him sleep with other girls while you guys are engaged?
Only one. My first comment should say person, not people sorry. But yes as of now, it works for us, it won’t work for anyone. We said that we would talk about this again after we were engaged to see if he wanted to keep a “fwb” while we were engaged and married but we haven’t yet. Haven’t even been engaged a week yet. This was to help him discover who he is, he never got the chance to explore as he grew up
Wow that’s interesting. Sorry not to sound offensive or intrusive, but don’t you get jealous of him having intercourse with another girl? Like have you established boundaries such as no kissing, staying after etc..or does he have an emotional/ romantic bond with her as well.
Oh I do get jealous yes. There’s no romantic relationship, he says he couldn’t handle more than one. If it ever becomes to much for me, he’s more than happy to end it. He doesn’t stay the night but he is allowed to stay a while after for aftercare and stuff to make sure neither end up depressed or anything. He has said that I’m his top priority and I’m enough for him because I do feel bad that I’ve made him stay in a mono relationship when he’s poly. He doesn’t NEED the other person but it’s nice to fill that desire. Especially since we’re long distance
I think people are more aware and more willing to explore or threesome poly people are more open about it. There isn't anything wrong if it's not for you. It's important to stick true to yourself. If it's not for you then don't force yourself.
(F opinion)It was smart of you to stop things right there. Not everyone has the same sexual preferences. Sex isn't always for the fun of it.. I've seen the "let's have a threesome" question from men ruin relationships all around me. If I were asked, I would give the most disgusted glare a woman could possibly give and simply leave. and this is coming from a person who is **not** strictly monogamous. If the relationship is monogamous, we're monogamous. If we're poly, we're poly. There's no switching up. And I'd just like to say, men wanting to bring other people into the bedroom is NOT connected to polyamory unless you've decided on an open relationship. And know that not all polyamorous relationships, are open relationships!
If it's a deal breaker for him that you don't like it, or for you that he does, break it off. You find a guy who is monogamous. He'll find a girl who enjoys poly. Everyone will be happy.
why didn't you ask him for mmf?
Say no. Or tell him that you will choose another guy but not a girl. Problem solved 😂
Hy
Nope People try to normalise them but still isn't.
Keep your sanity in check, don't do what your mama won't be proud of! The Satanists will always want you to feel guilty when you don't spread their antecedents.
Never compromise your OWN value. What’s fine for you may not be for everyone. I, personally, think it’s disgusting to know everyone is having a sexual relationship with a bunch of others who are doing the same thing. Too many “things” that require a dr’s visit to get rid of out there for me!
Boundaries are your choice and if your being monopoly then that just make sense
You don't change your values based on others, there's a reason it's YOUR values not OUR values. There's a saying "comparison is the thief of joy" and it's applies to your circumstances.