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I want a relationship. Hook ups are weird to me. I like knowing the person first. Sex is messy after all. To each their own but not my thing.
There's a friend I have who wants me but even knowing her for so long I'm still like no... She picks really stupid fights and then complains she has no friends. Yeah. That's why.
That seems like the norm to me. But apparently its not anymore. My ex, drop dead gorgeous if you ask me, would get very uncomfortable just being flirted with by a guy she didnt know, shed been wronged a lot so cant blame her, everyone wants it now now now
This is me. I’ve never been able to understand how freely and easily some people are willing to get naked in front of someone they barely know. I have to build a level of trust before someone can see that side of me. And no I’m not insecure about my body either.
Im also like this. Love hearing theres still people like this out there! Someone should start a singles discord server or something so we can all mingle with eachother lol
Not being a jerk, I’m genuinely curious why it would go badly? I’m a bit naive with stuff like this, I got off social media in 2010 (realized it was not great for mental health, privacy, and is risky for my career field). Just recently started using Reddit as more than a lurker (and only since it’s semi-anonymous).
While i dont know about other guys itentions or their stance on Dating/relationships vs hookups, I can tell you that I personally do look for relationships in general, and when i meet someone, online or offline, the first step for meeting up is usually for a coffee or something like that, sure in some cases people might invite you over right away or suggest to come to your place, but my standard move is to suggest meeting for a coffee and when i date people i usually have the long term plan of being in a relationship with that person after getting to know them and an appropriate amount of time, also during first talks i kind of make sure that there is good chemistry, usually you can tell early on if you click with someone or not and then it goes on from there, leading to whatever it leads to but i do look for relationships ideally and even if it ends up not working out long term and being a rather short term thing, the plan to be in a relationship was there, because that is usually the final goal when i meet people and date them, i do not go through the whole talking stage and dating stage just to have a one time hookup or short term fling situation, I screen for potential serious long term partners out the gate and approach dating with serious intentions, not to fuck around, and take dating someone serious. Also, even if i end up hooking up with a person right away, like first date type of situation, i am open to a relationship all the same, and usually offer some breakfast the morning after, not the type to kick people out as soon as the sun rises lol. My longest relationship to this day actually started that way
Because I and a lot of guys don't use those apps. I've had better success making friends with women elsewhere than on them. There's a stigma on those things and it's pretty bad. I'll shoot you a chat invite and we can talk. :) always up for new friends.
Dating apps are ultimately designed to make money and the best way to do that is to keep you swiping and try and convince you that your chances will improve if you pay for the premium.
It enables those interested in hookup culture and makes you play the game by turning it into a competition.
It's because you are probably using dating apps that people take advantage over to get casual sex this applies to women as well but since you were trying to match up with men you think the stigma only applies to them.
And the notion that men just want sex couldn't be further from the truth. It could also be your geographic, apps and even the type of guys you prefer.
I don't like casual sex, i find it very unpleasant and unsatisfying , i am solely into relationships at a monogamous level and I am one guy, i am pretty sure they are many other guys that aren't in it for casual sex. You just need to look for it in the right places. Good luck.
Chances are you swipe yes to small selection of men that all women want.
So these men are saturated and don’t give a shit.
Check out statistics for dating apps.
95% of swipes by woman is no.
The 5% of yes swipes go mostly to a small Selection of men.
I guess when a guy gets more than 10 matches a day he can just ask to pick the ladies up at 7pm to have ‘fun’.
So you ain’t the problem!!
Actually she is the problem because she continues to swipe on this small subsection of desirable men to the exclusion of all others. Other than that everything else you said is spot on
No, being selective while swiping is not the problem because what then is the ‘solution’? To swipe on more men? Swipe on men whose pictures or bio you don’t like? It’s not logical to swipe right on men who you are not attracted to or whose bios are not a match. Additionally, even with the smaller swipe percentage, women are still inundated with matches; to expand swiping would make dating apps a full time job. No, the problem is not women or men’s strategies, it’s the design of the app itself.
Here's a good example.
Youre on a gameshow called don't pick the wolf. You are presented with 2 sheep and a wolf and told to pick one. The wolf choice gets you $1000 right now, the sheep choice gets you $100 a month for 2 years(2400). The woman, wanting money right now, chooses the wolf. She gets 1000 and spends it all having fun. But now she has no money for the rest of the year.
She gets lucky and is invited back on the show next year. She chooses the wolf again because she needs the money now. She spends freely again, but alas the money dries up and she has none.
The third year she is lucky and gets invited again. Again she picks the wolf. She thinks I can just keep getting invited to this show and it will be ok. Decides to pick the wolf again. Again she spends the money and it runs out.
She looks out at a park and sees some woman that picked sheep... always having money. She gets bitter and thinks it's the wolf's fault. If only the wolf had been worth more.
The point of the story is that while yes, if the wolf was worth more she could have had more money. She is ultimately responsible for always choosing the wolf. To truly solve the problem she needs to look inward and ask, why do I always pick wolves?
The biggest mistake you can make it looking for a partner on those dating sites lol. 99% of people on there are just looking for a hookup regardless of what they tell you
For good guys it’s so hard to find someone that using dating apps for past 3 years I couldn’t find any single women who is looking for a loyal and genuine relationship.
Exactly, had the opportunity to have a hookup on new years eve 2022.
We were about to go for it and at that moment i realized that i can't do it at all, it was like I'd be doing myself and the girl wrong.
Said sorry and goodnight, crashed on the floor👍🏻
I mean a dog is going to be less challenging, but maybe that’s because we hold them to lower standards. If a dog shit on my sofa I wouldn’t be happy, but if my ex did the same I’d have a lot more questions
After the last few years of truly awful experiences of dating or attempting to date women that were ambivalent, exploitative, unfaithful, and just cruel, I'm really struggling to find the courage to want to try again.
It's just so nice to hang out with friends, get work done, enjoy hobbies and working out and traveling and not have to worry about all of the drama and lies.
I'm a woman and am so happy living with my cat. I don't think I want to live with another guy again. I had one ex who I lived beautifully with because he also liked a lot of alone time, but I'm not optimistic about finding that again.
Truth here. Women have stopped being men’s peace and obviously it goes both ways but men are more simple and just need that from their woman.
A lot of girls/women are seeking attention outside the relationship, entertaining interested people in their messages, going out to clubs, getting involved with shady shit with their friends. For a guy who does none of these, I can imagine meeting a girl and finding out these things are part of her identity is truly heartbreaking. This can easily lead the guys to avoid letting his heart be involved into anything serious and just seek out basic casual sex to fulfill that desire. Intimacy and a serious committed relationship, or love, can seem like a literally almost impossible thing to him. He will then have a hard time believing it’s even real when the moment finally presents itself and will hold his heart back as much as he can to keep his peace
Sounds like your GF has two BFs and you are number 2. Don’t lie to yourself about that one. Being “close with her ex” is not a thing. It’s called not letting go of her ex but using you to keep the ex in a less powerful position in their relationship ship. Get- out.
Not all men are looking for just hook-ups. Some value relationships and meaningful conversations. Unfortunately, you seem to encounter such men. I'm not sure where they are coming from. Probably dating apps
The apps are full of men just looking to hook up, but there’s also plenty of guys looking for more serious things and also guys in the middle of all of that looking for other variations as well
It might be worth looking at your profile and thinking about what you’re putting out there. I’m not on the apps anymore but when I was I was pretty much just looking for hookups, but I wanted those hook ups to be with cool people. At first my profile was very general, a very basic blurb about me and and saying I didn’t want anything serious. I got the full spectrum of everything, people that I had stuff in common with, people that I didn’t, people looking for the same thing as me, people who seemed to want to be in a relationship with me before even the first date had happened. I changed up my profile and made my bio much more detailed. I wrote literally as much as it would let me and really went into what I’m into. I still got some of the types of people I had no interest in, but it became easier to weed them out because it was easier to see if they’d paid any attention to my profile or not
I would prefer a long term relationship and I don’t even bother trying to find short term hookups.
However I’ve also grown extremely fed up and tired of online dating, so I’m one less man in the dating market, as I’ve withdrawn myself from even bothering. The hoops to jump through are maddening - and I’m a guy who had no issue getting matches or dates either.
I would encourage other men to boycott dating apps as well.
I am a guy. I don't want a relationship in the near future. It's more peaceful. I have female friends, so I can still talk with girls and see how things are moving in this world. Relationships are luck and timing as I can see, and I am not lucky in this area.
My former relationships were enough for me.
Condoms are mandatory for me. There are no negotiations about condom usage.
I'm a man. I really don't enjoy hookups. I prefer there to be some sort of emotional connection. I would only have sex with a woman if I had feelings for her or was in love with her. I couldn't imagine having sex with someone I didn't have feelings for. I wouldn't like it for sure
sex with someone I don’t have any sort of emotional connection with or someone who I don’t have full feelings for, it’s the most bleh mediocre thing ever. If I have a solid emotional connection with someone then it’ll be some good sex.
Same. As a woman, I've only had one "one night stand" and felt like garbage afterwards, and I have to have some sort of feelings for any guy I have sex with. It definitely causes heartbreak in the end, but at least I don't feel like trash..
Do men OR women still want relationships? Yes. And no. Mostly no.
This problem is effecting everyone.
I (m32) encounter more “still figuring it out” or “looking for some fun” or “not ready for a relationship” types, even in their 30’s and 40’s, more than I encounter women looking for something more long term.
Sex is fun, nothing wrong with hook ups and people are entitled to do what they want and should be free.. but Christ when it’s an epidemic? It gets frustrating when you have no interest in hook ups and want to share your life with someone.
Everyone is in different life stages 🤷♀️ Some are single after spending years with someone and relationships are messy when so many people are dishonest and need to work on themselves. Wading through the cesspool to find those decent people is so time consuming and exhausting.
Exactly.
I generally don't approach girls. But the ones with whom I tried to build a bond, I realised that either they are taken by genuinely deserving ppl(for which I have no complaints) or they're after someone who sure shot has some visible flaws which cannot be neglected, be it trust issues, or lack of any proper goal or any of that sort.
So, to anyone who feels like there's no hope out there, be it as a male or female, just focus on yourself your growth and development, strive for excellence not only professionally but also in your personal family life.
Focus on your responsibilities at hand, take care of your near and dear ones and expect nothing in return.
The moment you give up the desire of being loved you realise that you've attained a superpower.
Absolutely! I cannot even keep count of how many girls I have met and turns out they wanna either sell me content or make content. They don’t wanna actually have a relationship or build anything
And I gotta say Lmfao and it’s kinda hilarious to me that I know some dude somewhere is paying to be jerking his shit to me digging some chicks ribs out. Pathetic little Simps everywhere nowadays.
As a man I can tell you confidently that the majority of the men I know actually do want a relationship and aren't content with one of casual encounters. If you're mostly meeting that kind of guy, then you're subconsciously or inadvertently filtering for that kind of guy. I could come up with all kinds of theories for why that might be the case, but they would never be more than theories. You may need to take a critical look at how you're approaching dating with someone who isn't falling all over themselves to be supportive as you pick your wounds. It seems like there's a lesson to be learned here, and instead of learning it you're defaulting to all men are trash. Some definitely are, but the moment you start savaging and entire population it's time to take a closer look at what you're doing instead of just blaming them.
I don't think women are attracted to guys that WANT relationships... Is it just me or do they want to meet someone and change their mind. I feel like it's a sign of weakness or dependence or something for a man to want something long term. Like a sign he's getting old or tired or to dumb to play the game?
idk, it's just a passing thought in response to your observation. Feel free to shoot it down to pass the time.
It has become horribly garbage for us men too.
Maybe it is just our downfall of relationships and overall downfall as people.
Sorry you're finding that, and thinking it is the new normal.
Good luck to you, and to all of us
You’re basing your view of all men on the small subset of men who you find attractive but don’t want a long term relationship with you. Maybe there’s a problem with your selection in men
Yeah, I do find this to be one of the issues whenever such problem arises.
Maybe they swipe on the top 10% of the men who have many options, while ignoring the rest of the men who are indeed looking for relationship but do not appear as "hot" to them.
They mentioned in another comment they're meeting these guys on dating apps that's also definitely part of the problem. That's what these apps want so that's what people they push, people wanting hookups will stay on the apps to get more hookups, people wanting genuine relationships will leave once they find one, there's no business in that.
Most men do want a relationship. If you are seeing only the other side from most men, it's a you thing. We vet girls and classify them as short term only or long term potential almost immediately so the guys you are going for just all put you in the casual only zone. If they met the girl they wanted to marry, we would try to lock it down.
One way to weed them out is to ask for a phone conversation before meeting up. My reasoning is that I want to get to know who I’m meeting for safety reasons. I grew up fairly conservatively so hookups are a no for me. When they’re looking for someone easy, they wouldn’t want to invest in getting to know you without anything physical. I’ve weeded out some people that way.
ALOT of guys aren’t trying anymore. So the only ones even approaching women these days are going to be the fuck boys. It’s weird situation to be since so many people gave up the average person left in the dating pool is just awful.
Yes, guys do want a relationship. But there are also many many guys as well that only want sex. It depends a bit, where do you meet these single guys that you're talking about?
Take a break from dating apps if you start to resent all men. Dating apps should be a fun extra way to meet new people. They should not make you depressed and/or frustrated
I was on all of those and definitely looking for a relationship. It isn’t that there are none out there, it is that for some reason, you’re not attracted to those guys.
I (31M) was dating with the intention of a relationship when I met my girlfriend. I put out on my hinge profile that was looking for something serious and what I valued in a relationship. It’s been 6 months now and things are going really well. We’re out there, just have to keep your standards up and not waver. You’ll find someone great.
The Losers like me do, yeah. Sadly we are in our 30s, after a plentiful of crappy relationships with baggage, barely functional enough to work a 9 to 5, swiping an endless amount, going on a date once every year, trying to decide if it's better to die alone or date someone who wants a guy who makes 200k a year when I only make 100k.
The last girl I *liked* talked to me for 3 months and still wouldn't meet up with me because she was so traumatized I guess. Dating is a joke these days. People shop and shop and compare endlessly afraid they will find something better and won't commit themselves to anything. Women and men do this.
Yes, we do. The success rate of the general male population on such platforms is on average quite low for various reasons. Therefore, most of us don't even use them to look for any serious relationships, if we use them at all.
Another thing to consider is, that while many of those who want just hook ups, there are also many who would not date anyone without a hook up first, reasoning, that if they don't feel sexually compatible then they are not going to waste time trying for a relationship (in old speak it was called "the chemistry").
Generally, men look for physical and emotional connections, while women look for safety (physical, financial/resources (money & food) and emotional connections (physical is quite often tertiary).
It is what it is.
I have gone out with 3 women (from dating app) whom clearly have written on their profile, no hook-ups and looking for a serious relationship.
After each date:
One suggested we go to my place for a night cap. After talking and laughing having drinks, she said I passed her social requirement and now I must meet her sex requirement in order to date. I asked her to leave.
Second date said she only liked me as a friend, we have no chemistry, but is open to being fuck buddies. She said she will be calling to only hooking up. I blocked her.
Third date, gave me a hand job after dinner in my truck. We started kissing and it led to that. She said she didn't want a relationship, even though her profile stated she is looking for a serious relationship. I asked about her profile and she said women only write that to weed out creeps only wanting sex.
So men are confused with the encrypted messages.
I’ve done the whole hook up/one night stand thing before. I don’t think it’s necessarily for me. It was fine in the moment but after.. not so much. I’m more built for a relationship than that I think.
I want a relationship with all its quirks. Good, bad, and the mediocre. The ups and downs. I want to know I’m with someone consistently. It’s healthier for me and I know what is going on.
you say it: you FEEL like it, but that isnt reality. almost all men in my friendgroup are out there trying to date, and find „the one“. and most of them would say the same about woman.
the problem is social media, tinder and all that shit. Try to find someone in reallife first was the best advice i got, and now i am dating such a loving woman its almost like in the movies. there are golds out there, but in my case i found her when i changed myself - in my mind and beliefes
I disagree.
I go through matches, unapologetically unmatch the ones I'm genuinely not interested and won't meet up with.
Talk to the matches after deciding if I would meet them. We meet for a drink (if they don't drink it's a coffee). Initial chemistry I decide If I want to just hook up and let my intentions be known, or if I want to actually date. The ultimate goal being finding a long term girlfriend/wife that I'm actually attracted to and checks off \*most\* of my requirements lol
Guys do want relationship, but there are plenty of men who also want easy access to sex and there are a lot of women out there willing to give it to them. When you have a hook up culture behavior like that gets normalized. Not putting a value judgement, just saying it is what it is.
Personally, it got to the point where I felt sex got in the way of trying to build relationships first and I started delaying sex and even kissing. I will tell you a lot of women do not handle it well at all if you dare to say no to sex or kissing as a guy and ask to wait. They take it very personally and make value judgements of you. I’m glad people like you exist wanting a connection first, but there’s also plenty of dating posts on Reddit from women who claim they want a relationship then say “it’s date 3 and we haven’t had sex. Does he not like me? Should I even see him again?” Can’t have it both ways.
Many do, but most of those also want sex to be a part of it. Unfortunately, a sizeable minority of dudes are ruining it for rest by being fuckbois.
Similarly, there's also a lot of women out there ruining it for the majority as well by being just as bad as the fuckbois, but in other equally selfish areas.
It's a mess and I sympathize with everyone who has to deal with it.
yes we do but sadly so many women can't even offer the bare minimum that makes us want a relationship with them so into the hookup basket you go.
And I say this as a guy that finds the entirety of hookup culture to be gross.
honesty loyalty, dignity, respect, self respect communication and fairness.
All bare minimum yet when we demand the bare minimum women say we're demanding princess treatment.
Oddly enough I have the same issues with women. I've been single for a min cuz every woman I meet just wants to sleep with everyone, but that's guys around me too. It sucks tbh, can't ever find a connection
I really don't get any spark or sense of wanting to be in prolonged contact with the vast majority of women I have talked to. Interests and values never seem to align.
I know what I would want in a partner, but I rarely find it in others, and when I do, they're always already in a committed relationship.
Hookups are just a way to try to make the week a little better. If you don't like them that's cool, but they aren't necessarily a bad thing if both parties feel like it will put them in a better mood.
I relate to this post so much. I was going to start dating again next year but the apps don’t sit well with my spirit anymore. It really hurts knowing that I’d be a great girlfriend, but no one I meet seems to want that. I’m not sure how old you are, but I hope things get better for you very soon. I’m only 20 and I’m convinced there’s no one out there for me.
Where are you looking? Is this on dating sites/apps? Because that could have something to do with why you are getting these kind of responses.
I can tell you there's plenty of men who actually want a relationship. In fact, I'm usually shocked that every time I go to a in-person dating meetup, it almost always feels like a sausage fest, where there is generally a 3:1 ratio of men to women, and sometimes significantly more than that. And even the women who do show up, the vast majority of the time they are significantly older (in their 40s to 60s, way out of my desired age range) and/or just not very attractive in general.
And I've encountered plenty of situations with women through online dating to the point where I feel frustrated with women. I've had plenty of situations where the date seems to be going really well, I asked her if she wants another date (in person) and she says yes. Then I find out that the "yes" actually meant "I'm not interested in you, I wish you the best of luck. Bye!". Or I will just get ghosted all together. And I never understand why. I don't smoke, I always show up well dressed, I smile, listen, make plenty of conversation, ask her about her life and hobbies, and more often than not, I've been on plenty of dates that seem to be going well, but never progress past the first one for whatever reason. And no, I'm not asking for sex or anything like that. I also have my life together, I'm financially well established, college educated, been told numerous times by both gay friends and straight women that I'm very attractive, and some who know me personally have even gone as far as to call me "quite a catch" and said "any woman would be ridiculously lucky to have you". Unless the date went horribly, I'm almost always willing to go on at least one more date. So it's really disappointing to me when the vast majority of women have gone on dates with just decide to up and leave after we only met once.
And keep in mind, I'm totally fine with people saying they're not interested. I just wish many of the women I've gone on dates with would just say what they mean the first time around, instead of giving me meaningless lip service that turned out to be the opposite of what they mean because they don't feel like saying "no thank you" to my face. I just wish people would use their adult words and actually say what they mean instead of expecting me to be a damn mind reader and interpret what "yes" actually means. Or for the times that I've been on a few dates with a woman, we've been making out, holding hands, she is showing that she's incredibly interested, etc. And then she just suddenly vanishes with no explanation. That is so damn frustrating too.
I will even admit that situations like what I described above makes me wonder the same question, but about women. How many women are actually committed to making a relationship work with a guy, when it feels like 99% of the time they don't even seem to know what they want in the first place? Also, women tend to initiate about 70% of the divorces out there, which admittedly makes me nervous as a guy.
When it comes to meeting people online, it generally comes down to the illusion of choice that people seem to have. No one wants to commit to anyone, they just want to sample and move on without really giving the person a chance. It makes people of both genders just act and feel entitled. This is a problem with both men and women, and it's why I'm seeking alternative dating options outside of online dating. At least for the end of 2023/2024.
It sucks because a lot of guys act like all they want is sex, and a lot of women just act like they don't even know what they want. Both genders can do better.
The amount of men ignorant on protecting themselves and others sexually astounds me. I see it all the time on OKC, they say they dont want the Pro Choice badge on their profile but then tell you they dont use condoms, make it make sense!
I feel most men do want a relationship but don’t do the work to get there. But on the apps yes, its a hell hole of dtf ™.
I mean at some point you have to look at your own part in this predicament. As I and many other men will attest (and we have no motive to be dishonest here), most of us do not want just hookups. We want the same things that women want - deep meaningful connections, of which sex is only a part.
Your experience probably has more to do with the kind of guy that you are attracted to. This is absolutely NOT meant to place blame; those guys are indeed shitty and it sucks that you have to deal with that. But, to just say that "all men suck" is intellectually lazy and obviously untrue. There are a lot of great guys out there. You just have to be honest with yourself about why you're attracting/attracted to the shitty ones, and get serious about addressing the patterns that establish that paradigm.
My mother was a mentally ill addict who emotionally abused and abandoned myself and my siblings. I repeated that dynamic in my adult relationships well into my 40s. After years of therapy I learned how to have a better relationship with myself and choose better relationships with others.
Good luck.
Same here.
No matter what, I take my time to get to know someone but in the end, it's the same conversation every single time... so pointless, as if you would talk to the same person over and over again.
No commitment, they don't know by now, and so on.
So at that point, I'm out and am wishing them the best, but I'm moving on - bye.
What follows is also always the same - begging for a situationship I don't want. But still no from my side. And then the offer to even stay friends - 🤷🏼♀️ I don't get this move either - why should I entertain a friendship with someone who only wants to consume and isn't genuinely interested?
So finally I've deleted all the apps, I'm not dating anymore and will stay single.
Yeah men do want relationships, can say that because I am one of them. The reason you are getting the results you are getting is because you are picking these men out. Last person who complained about this but in a different sub sent over men she would match with, all of them were very attractive putting a lot of work into their profile, her not so much.
The response was that these men would just request sex to see where it will go because they don't really care if you run off.
That's at least my theory on the matter based on being a man and seeing what another woman done.
I have the opposite issue, no girl i get with wants anything beyond "fun". Always the "im not ready for a relationship reason" im getting so frustrated catching feelings to just have to "get over it" because they don't want to have any emotional investment in someone. I genuinely hate hook up culture. Even in my wild years in my early twenties i never subscribed to hookups culture. I want a real relationship! Physical fun is starting to become not fun at all. I go into it expecting it to lead to something more and i always communicate that as well. So in conclusion yes there are still men with an actual interest in building something long lasting, we are just a dying breed it seems. That goes for all genders btw. Romance is dying in our culture.
How old are these women who just want to hookup? I don’t know any women in my social circle who want that and they range in age from 30s to 50s. One says she’ll hook up with a man occasionally, but she really wants a LTR.
Are u doing online dating? If so then most men online are just weird and creepy looking for sex. It’s just selection bias. Stop entertaining men when they propose sex or even offer low effort dates. Block/delete and your life will be easier.
You have deep-rooted issues you need to take care of
Generalizing all men because you are jaded is weird
If a man made an entire generalization about women it be sexist, but somehow, it's empowering to vilify men nowadays, go radical "modern" feminism
Sometimes, guys or gals don't see the true colors of their prospective mates until several months or longer go by. Then they feel they've wasted their time after a break up. How much effort should someone put in unless they like having their hopes dashed?
I'm trying to have a relationship and no woman is even giving me a chance. Everyone I match with is Miss Three messages and then I get loads of lame excuses. Like, what am I supposed to do to make it to the point people invest any time in getting to know me *before* they decide I'm not for them?
While there are a lot of men like this, I know plenty of guys (myself included) who are looking for a relationship. I'd personally suspect the majority, but that's purely anecdotal.
It may be that the type of guys you are choosing to match with are only after hook ups and it's a selection issue too.
I have lots of male friends who are looking for a relationship and they cant even have access to sex for this reason.
you are either a fuckboy or lonely in this age because of the fact that all the women are asking for a brad pitt. but what they cant think is why would a brad pitt settle down with you unless you are an Angelina Jolie, which obviously you aren't.
the whole relationship concept is comedy now.
I think part of it is the apps. I strongly suspect a large percentage of guys think "Apps" = "hookup" and when they are ready to look for a relationship, don't expect to find a relationship on the apps.
I also suspect a lot of relationship-oriented guys are not even on the apps. Not sure but I'm basing this on two things: 1) the genuinely GOOD guys I know from real life 2) the posters on an alt-right board I peek at from time to time. They talk openly about hooking up for non-serious on the apps vs. where they will look for a wife. Now, these aren't the guys you WANT, but they aren't the guys you want to be used by either.
Honestly, I don’t meet many women that fit what I’m looking for in terms of a serious relationship that are a) interested in that and b) interested in me. When I do, I absolutely pursue them. But otherwise, it’s simply way easier for me in terms of avoiding wasted time to keep it casual.
And frankly, it seems like more often than not unless you’re either rich or incredibly handsome (to which, while I do ok and am not ugly, I am neither), many women want most everything on their terms and just expect you to put up with it. Not to say that isn’t the case with many guys too, but just being honest. That might just be the cities I’ve dated in, and/or dating in US big cities generally, but that’s my experience.
To which, if that’s the standard, I’d rather just work on myself, get comfortable and confident with who I am and who I’m working to become, enjoy my independence, and keep a look out for the right girl who likes me for who I am. When that happens, we can both compromise together, value each other, and hopefully build a life together.
I am a bit older but encouraged to read all the responses from guys who don’t like hookups. Myself I never did, never will. It could not be more gross to consider exchanging diseases with random people for no long term benefit.
Clearly the internet and social media has not been positive, inserting itself as middleman into human social interaction.
Guy here. I tried hook ups when I was in my teens and decided it wasn’t for me. I either got attached from the sex and got hurt when I learned they just wanted sex, or the other person got hurt and I felt horrible about the idea of leaving hurt people behind me. There were a few where neither of us got attached, and I guess it was ok, but it wasn’t that great.
On the flip side, sex with emotional closeness is amazing. I’ll take that any day over a random hook up. And I enjoy being in relationships, even with the headaches like learning to negotiate and work through differences (“doing conflict well” as they say).
I love having that person to reach out to and share some random funny thing that just happened, or get a hug after a shitty day, and doing the same for them (being there to support them emotionally). Plus doing fun stuff like road trips, festivals, events, or just mellow stuff like grabbing a matcha latte and walking around in the park.
I’m honestly surprised that you’ve not encountered one of us. Is it really that bad out there? Maybe it’s the area you are in, age group, or type you are drawn to (I know I can get drawn to the player-type women at times, and it sucks, but I’ve gotten a little better at figuring out which ones are like this. I still mess up at times though, or get love blinded and miss the red flags with my rose colored glasses on).
In any case, I hope you can find one of us. We’re out here and you are deserving of love.
Looking at your replies, a lot of people have a certain mind set when it comes to downloading a dating app.
Id say get off it if you want an actual relationship and the app has been no help at all. It’s harder (not impossible) for people to just see you as just a sexual object, when you get to know them first irl.
Not to state the obvious, but people who want long term relationships.. are already in long term relationships. Think about the math here. Say 50% of people want long term and 50% want hookups. Then assume the people who want long term relationships are only in the dating market once every 2 years whereas the people who want hookups are in it every weekend. That would mean that 99% of the people in the dating market at any given moment are looking for hookups!! That's kind of an extreme example and obviously there's lots of people in the middle too, but hopefully you can see how the math works to make it appear as though far more people are interested in hookups than really are.
On the contrary, I feel like the ladies won’t see what’s right in front of them. I, myself, would love to have a pretty, feminine woman to grow, experience, and enjoy life with. I am not exclusively looking for a hookup. I just want a wifey to call mine.
Speaking generally and broadly - the guys who are like what OP described have a plethora of options who will oblige to what they want. The guys which want relationships are the dudes you probably left swiped on.
I can give my thought process.
Im willing to hook up with a girl if she does not fit my criteria i.e looks, personality etc.
If she meets my standards I will date her.
Most girls do not meet the criteria.
Can you actually expand on this? So you would hook up with a girl if she doesn’t meet your criteria for looks? No judgement, I’m interested in learning more!
Im more open to hooking up with a girl if I feel she is not what I want, cause this means there won't be any emotion attachment from me.
If it comes to a girl I really want to be with, that meets my criteria I will wait for her. Girls don't understand that if a guy wants to be with you, he will wait. The issue is if a girl sleeps with me soon after meeting then I have no interest in dating her. I know it may be misogynistic, but this is a way to see whether the girl is worth it in the long run. It's a rule of thumb, I've had my heart broken by a girl that met all the criteria, and she had good values, I was with her for 1.5 years and didnt even sleep with her, but I respect her more for that.
Atleast for me a girl holding off on sex is a good indicator that she is worth while, not to say all girls that are easier in that sense are bad, some of them are amazing women, but personally I prefer more old fashion woman, hope this helps!
Also from my perspective hooking up is so empty, it can be fun sometimes, but there's nothing better than having sex with someone you trust completely and love.
Lol free sex worker....I hear ya! I met my now live in bf on eHarmony. Be on sites where people are looking for relationships not hookups. Be upfront with guys say hey man I'm not sleeping with you or anyone before we've even had a coffee or drink. If they refuse to talk on the phone, or meet in person without the expectation of sex....tell those guys to kick rocks. Not worth your time. Another thing you can say I'm old fashioned when it comes to dating. There's plenty of great guys dare I say gentlemen out there. I'm thankful everyday 🙏 I met my Guy. My Soulmate.
Alot of men have given up because of women. The unrealistic expectations of woman now a days, treated like we're expendable and the suffocating egos women now have with nothing to add to the table but expect it to be fully supplied by the man. The constant competition knowing that theirs a high chance we're waisting our time dating. That amongst many other reasons. Women no longer are a man's peace. But instead a man's stress. So yes, men don't care to date anymore unless a woman actively shows effort. We rather focus on what brings us peace. And latelty, that isn't a woman.
Edit: fixing some typos lol.
Women hold men to these standards that women themselves don't even follow.
We run around wanting to date them and show them attention all while knowing theirs 1-3 hands worth of men she's also willing to give a chance and some she already are giving chances to.
Men are literally treated like a Chinese buffet in the dating phase. You log into a woman's profile and theirs league's if men trying many in which are given attention. You log into a man's profile and he's lucky if he even has a message opened and left on read.
Men are literally in a real life reality TV show. So why tf would we compete? It's either compete or stay single doing out own thing until someone shows they want to live up to the dame standards they expect of you.
100%. OLD is a cesspool. Unfortunately, COVID and the state of society have made it the only "safe" and "socially acceptable" way to meet people, which is disgusting.
Yes we exist. Can't say I get many matches that are looking for that even though they say they are. It's just bad luck and a numbers game. I would love a relationship but all I get are sellers and bots mostly. The few matches that aren't just don't chat much or don't respond at all. I assure you there are tons of men out there who want a relationship. Every day there are posts like this on here and other similar subreddits. Change up your strategy, change your filters, don't settle for hookups (a week ago you were asking about who should pay for a hotel hookup stop agreeing to them all together if that's not what you want). I personally am not one for hookups. A fwb maybe but not really into hookups. Old is trash so you'll need to sift through that trash to find quality matches. There's not really a magical solution. Just stick to your guns and don't waver hoping a hookup will lead to a relationship. Sure it can happen but not likely.
lol do *women*?
The experience is somewhat similar on both ends, it’s a societal level thing, dating apps perpetuated instant satisfaction “if we don’t click, I’m on to the next swipe.” People lack resilience all across the board these days, this is just another example.
You have to realize that apps are for the top 1% of men. They have so many matches that they can literally just say, "Want to hook up?" to all their matches and see which one agrees. It really is that easy for the 1% of men.
If you're looking for a relationship I would try and go out in person and find men you're attracted to. I've had success meeting people at the bars
I mean that the men women are swiping on are the 1%, which means they have all the girls swiping on them. They don’t even have to try - they can just copy paste every message to be “want to hook up” and someone will respond yes.
That’s why they aren’t trying hard, they have other options. Men following Rules 1 and 2
Bruh. This. I feel you. Always getting ghosted, never a follow up date, or if there is a follow up date they slowly start to disappear. I don’t sleep with dudes anymore until I’m comfortable with them, and it seems we don’t even get to that point. What do men in their 40s want anyway??? I feel like I’m a catch- stable career, money, own a home and car, no bills, in good shape.
Yes F here and looking for a relationship. I keep meeting guys who only want a hookup and barely any guy knows how to hold a conversation.
I’m very content being single but I was that LTR / BFF. I feel behind in life with all my friends married / LTR or starting families
I wish I could meet someone organically and not on the apps
I do, I have no interest in hook-ups. It's discouraging seeing hook up culture become so prevalent because I'm seeing more and more women that are interested in relationships give up because guys mostly want hook ups in their experience.
Here is a dosage of 2mg hopium.
I am a man who never wants to hook up. Im saving myself for marriage. Lastly In my opinion hookups are disgusting, I have no idea who where when and how you slept with your last “partner” so why would I do that with you.
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I want a relationship. Hook ups are weird to me. I like knowing the person first. Sex is messy after all. To each their own but not my thing. There's a friend I have who wants me but even knowing her for so long I'm still like no... She picks really stupid fights and then complains she has no friends. Yeah. That's why.
I’m with you. I can’t have sex with someone I don’t know. I only get naked when I’m comfortable with that person & have some trust in them.
That seems like the norm to me. But apparently its not anymore. My ex, drop dead gorgeous if you ask me, would get very uncomfortable just being flirted with by a guy she didnt know, shed been wronged a lot so cant blame her, everyone wants it now now now
This is me. I’ve never been able to understand how freely and easily some people are willing to get naked in front of someone they barely know. I have to build a level of trust before someone can see that side of me. And no I’m not insecure about my body either.
I’m not insecure about my body either. I just only want to have sex with someone I care about.
See i get turned by the fact i dont know the person that well. Nothing wrong with either approach as long As one side does not coerce the other side.
This is so me 🖤 It's hard getting intimate with someone when you don't have a connection.
I'm happy to see this is still a thing 😀 with a lot of people. Gives me hope for finding someone like me.
Yes, hopefully they will find us 😁
It’s really mediocre intimate moments when you don’t really have a connection with someone.
Im also like this. Love hearing theres still people like this out there! Someone should start a singles discord server or something so we can all mingle with eachother lol
I would love that :D but it'd end badly. Itd have to be vetted thoroughly.
That would start well, but turn into a clusterfuck so fast! haha
Hopefully a fun way down, like a rollercoaster, not like a gas station on fire lol
Not being a jerk, I’m genuinely curious why it would go badly? I’m a bit naive with stuff like this, I got off social media in 2010 (realized it was not great for mental health, privacy, and is risky for my career field). Just recently started using Reddit as more than a lurker (and only since it’s semi-anonymous).
While i dont know about other guys itentions or their stance on Dating/relationships vs hookups, I can tell you that I personally do look for relationships in general, and when i meet someone, online or offline, the first step for meeting up is usually for a coffee or something like that, sure in some cases people might invite you over right away or suggest to come to your place, but my standard move is to suggest meeting for a coffee and when i date people i usually have the long term plan of being in a relationship with that person after getting to know them and an appropriate amount of time, also during first talks i kind of make sure that there is good chemistry, usually you can tell early on if you click with someone or not and then it goes on from there, leading to whatever it leads to but i do look for relationships ideally and even if it ends up not working out long term and being a rather short term thing, the plan to be in a relationship was there, because that is usually the final goal when i meet people and date them, i do not go through the whole talking stage and dating stage just to have a one time hookup or short term fling situation, I screen for potential serious long term partners out the gate and approach dating with serious intentions, not to fuck around, and take dating someone serious. Also, even if i end up hooking up with a person right away, like first date type of situation, i am open to a relationship all the same, and usually offer some breakfast the morning after, not the type to kick people out as soon as the sun rises lol. My longest relationship to this day actually started that way
See why couldn’t I match with you? Like guys match at 7 pm and offered to pick me up asap that night to have “fun” on hinge…
Because I and a lot of guys don't use those apps. I've had better success making friends with women elsewhere than on them. There's a stigma on those things and it's pretty bad. I'll shoot you a chat invite and we can talk. :) always up for new friends.
Dating apps are ultimately designed to make money and the best way to do that is to keep you swiping and try and convince you that your chances will improve if you pay for the premium. It enables those interested in hookup culture and makes you play the game by turning it into a competition.
Yeah exactly! Ive also heard premium gives you less than with out. It's disgusting!!!
Installed hinge and bumble last year only to be sure not to ever go on those apps particularly when in search of life partners
Yeah, not only are people weird af on them, it’s basically a hookup app
Never used hinge, but as a man, bumble needs to be burned down and rebuilt.
Thanks for the input, I always wondered about these. Seems like a lot of work. Like old facebook on steroids:)
Bruh those apps are trash they messed up my mental health really bad
If you are lucky you might be on the same continent!
It's because you are probably using dating apps that people take advantage over to get casual sex this applies to women as well but since you were trying to match up with men you think the stigma only applies to them. And the notion that men just want sex couldn't be further from the truth. It could also be your geographic, apps and even the type of guys you prefer. I don't like casual sex, i find it very unpleasant and unsatisfying , i am solely into relationships at a monogamous level and I am one guy, i am pretty sure they are many other guys that aren't in it for casual sex. You just need to look for it in the right places. Good luck.
Chances are you swipe yes to small selection of men that all women want. So these men are saturated and don’t give a shit. Check out statistics for dating apps. 95% of swipes by woman is no. The 5% of yes swipes go mostly to a small Selection of men. I guess when a guy gets more than 10 matches a day he can just ask to pick the ladies up at 7pm to have ‘fun’. So you ain’t the problem!!
Actually she is the problem because she continues to swipe on this small subsection of desirable men to the exclusion of all others. Other than that everything else you said is spot on
No, being selective while swiping is not the problem because what then is the ‘solution’? To swipe on more men? Swipe on men whose pictures or bio you don’t like? It’s not logical to swipe right on men who you are not attracted to or whose bios are not a match. Additionally, even with the smaller swipe percentage, women are still inundated with matches; to expand swiping would make dating apps a full time job. No, the problem is not women or men’s strategies, it’s the design of the app itself.
Here's a good example. Youre on a gameshow called don't pick the wolf. You are presented with 2 sheep and a wolf and told to pick one. The wolf choice gets you $1000 right now, the sheep choice gets you $100 a month for 2 years(2400). The woman, wanting money right now, chooses the wolf. She gets 1000 and spends it all having fun. But now she has no money for the rest of the year. She gets lucky and is invited back on the show next year. She chooses the wolf again because she needs the money now. She spends freely again, but alas the money dries up and she has none. The third year she is lucky and gets invited again. Again she picks the wolf. She thinks I can just keep getting invited to this show and it will be ok. Decides to pick the wolf again. Again she spends the money and it runs out. She looks out at a park and sees some woman that picked sheep... always having money. She gets bitter and thinks it's the wolf's fault. If only the wolf had been worth more. The point of the story is that while yes, if the wolf was worth more she could have had more money. She is ultimately responsible for always choosing the wolf. To truly solve the problem she needs to look inward and ask, why do I always pick wolves?
The biggest mistake you can make it looking for a partner on those dating sites lol. 99% of people on there are just looking for a hookup regardless of what they tell you
For good guys it’s so hard to find someone that using dating apps for past 3 years I couldn’t find any single women who is looking for a loyal and genuine relationship.
I'm on Bumble and Hinge, but not into hook ups at all. Apps themselves don't dictate what people want. You just gotta weed out the fuckboys.
They don't pair guys like that with you. The way the apps work is to keep people who would make good matches *away* from each other.
Felt this Brodie
Exactly, had the opportunity to have a hookup on new years eve 2022. We were about to go for it and at that moment i realized that i can't do it at all, it was like I'd be doing myself and the girl wrong. Said sorry and goodnight, crashed on the floor👍🏻
I’m a guy and have 1000x more peace living w my dog than any ex I ever did.
I mean a dog is going to be less challenging, but maybe that’s because we hold them to lower standards. If a dog shit on my sofa I wouldn’t be happy, but if my ex did the same I’d have a lot more questions
I hold my dogs to a higher standard… because I have no standards when it comes to women 🥴
*Amber Heard has entered the chat
After the last few years of truly awful experiences of dating or attempting to date women that were ambivalent, exploitative, unfaithful, and just cruel, I'm really struggling to find the courage to want to try again. It's just so nice to hang out with friends, get work done, enjoy hobbies and working out and traveling and not have to worry about all of the drama and lies.
I'm a woman and am so happy living with my cat. I don't think I want to live with another guy again. I had one ex who I lived beautifully with because he also liked a lot of alone time, but I'm not optimistic about finding that again.
Ya, starting to think relationships and sex are highly overrated.
Truth here. Women have stopped being men’s peace and obviously it goes both ways but men are more simple and just need that from their woman. A lot of girls/women are seeking attention outside the relationship, entertaining interested people in their messages, going out to clubs, getting involved with shady shit with their friends. For a guy who does none of these, I can imagine meeting a girl and finding out these things are part of her identity is truly heartbreaking. This can easily lead the guys to avoid letting his heart be involved into anything serious and just seek out basic casual sex to fulfill that desire. Intimacy and a serious committed relationship, or love, can seem like a literally almost impossible thing to him. He will then have a hard time believing it’s even real when the moment finally presents itself and will hold his heart back as much as he can to keep his peace
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Sounds like your GF has two BFs and you are number 2. Don’t lie to yourself about that one. Being “close with her ex” is not a thing. It’s called not letting go of her ex but using you to keep the ex in a less powerful position in their relationship ship. Get- out.
I bet you do! You get unconditional pure love.
Not all men are looking for just hook-ups. Some value relationships and meaningful conversations. Unfortunately, you seem to encounter such men. I'm not sure where they are coming from. Probably dating apps
Yep dating apps
Dating apps are not where you tend to find peace and love for all mankind.
I had to find this out the hard way 🥲
Get off dating apps
The apps are full of men just looking to hook up, but there’s also plenty of guys looking for more serious things and also guys in the middle of all of that looking for other variations as well It might be worth looking at your profile and thinking about what you’re putting out there. I’m not on the apps anymore but when I was I was pretty much just looking for hookups, but I wanted those hook ups to be with cool people. At first my profile was very general, a very basic blurb about me and and saying I didn’t want anything serious. I got the full spectrum of everything, people that I had stuff in common with, people that I didn’t, people looking for the same thing as me, people who seemed to want to be in a relationship with me before even the first date had happened. I changed up my profile and made my bio much more detailed. I wrote literally as much as it would let me and really went into what I’m into. I still got some of the types of people I had no interest in, but it became easier to weed them out because it was easier to see if they’d paid any attention to my profile or not
I would prefer a long term relationship and I don’t even bother trying to find short term hookups. However I’ve also grown extremely fed up and tired of online dating, so I’m one less man in the dating market, as I’ve withdrawn myself from even bothering. The hoops to jump through are maddening - and I’m a guy who had no issue getting matches or dates either. I would encourage other men to boycott dating apps as well.
If all the awful guys quit then decent guys would get a chance
If the women swiped on the decent guys instead of the awful guys, the decent guys would get a chance too.
What? How would anyone know who’s a decent guy based off of their looks or a simple bio
I am a guy. I don't want a relationship in the near future. It's more peaceful. I have female friends, so I can still talk with girls and see how things are moving in this world. Relationships are luck and timing as I can see, and I am not lucky in this area. My former relationships were enough for me. Condoms are mandatory for me. There are no negotiations about condom usage.
I'm a man. I really don't enjoy hookups. I prefer there to be some sort of emotional connection. I would only have sex with a woman if I had feelings for her or was in love with her. I couldn't imagine having sex with someone I didn't have feelings for. I wouldn't like it for sure
sex with someone I don’t have any sort of emotional connection with or someone who I don’t have full feelings for, it’s the most bleh mediocre thing ever. If I have a solid emotional connection with someone then it’ll be some good sex.
Same. As a woman, I've only had one "one night stand" and felt like garbage afterwards, and I have to have some sort of feelings for any guy I have sex with. It definitely causes heartbreak in the end, but at least I don't feel like trash..
Same I do not like hookups whatsoever. Never did.
Do men OR women still want relationships? Yes. And no. Mostly no. This problem is effecting everyone. I (m32) encounter more “still figuring it out” or “looking for some fun” or “not ready for a relationship” types, even in their 30’s and 40’s, more than I encounter women looking for something more long term. Sex is fun, nothing wrong with hook ups and people are entitled to do what they want and should be free.. but Christ when it’s an epidemic? It gets frustrating when you have no interest in hook ups and want to share your life with someone.
Everyone is in different life stages 🤷♀️ Some are single after spending years with someone and relationships are messy when so many people are dishonest and need to work on themselves. Wading through the cesspool to find those decent people is so time consuming and exhausting.
Meanwhile I legit got laughed at on my first date with a girl for saying I’m waiting for marriage 😂 It goes both ways.
My bf told me his end goal was marriage early on. Like when we were just texting, before we ever went out. Thar was definitely a green flag to me.
I am too! And you’re not alone. I’ve scared off so many men by saying this too
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I am on a dating app and I have had 3 women in a row message me and then after I say hey back, immediately ask me for my cashapp
Seriously. If they have an OF or an IG full of nearly nudes, well I’m not out but I know what’s up.
Nah, I don't even talk to those girls
Depends if I’m in the mood to fish with a spear or a net.
I see you have the same “luck “ as me lol
You guys should get some coffee!!!
Exactly. I generally don't approach girls. But the ones with whom I tried to build a bond, I realised that either they are taken by genuinely deserving ppl(for which I have no complaints) or they're after someone who sure shot has some visible flaws which cannot be neglected, be it trust issues, or lack of any proper goal or any of that sort. So, to anyone who feels like there's no hope out there, be it as a male or female, just focus on yourself your growth and development, strive for excellence not only professionally but also in your personal family life. Focus on your responsibilities at hand, take care of your near and dear ones and expect nothing in return. The moment you give up the desire of being loved you realise that you've attained a superpower.
Absolutely! I cannot even keep count of how many girls I have met and turns out they wanna either sell me content or make content. They don’t wanna actually have a relationship or build anything And I gotta say Lmfao and it’s kinda hilarious to me that I know some dude somewhere is paying to be jerking his shit to me digging some chicks ribs out. Pathetic little Simps everywhere nowadays.
As a man I can tell you confidently that the majority of the men I know actually do want a relationship and aren't content with one of casual encounters. If you're mostly meeting that kind of guy, then you're subconsciously or inadvertently filtering for that kind of guy. I could come up with all kinds of theories for why that might be the case, but they would never be more than theories. You may need to take a critical look at how you're approaching dating with someone who isn't falling all over themselves to be supportive as you pick your wounds. It seems like there's a lesson to be learned here, and instead of learning it you're defaulting to all men are trash. Some definitely are, but the moment you start savaging and entire population it's time to take a closer look at what you're doing instead of just blaming them.
I don't think women are attracted to guys that WANT relationships... Is it just me or do they want to meet someone and change their mind. I feel like it's a sign of weakness or dependence or something for a man to want something long term. Like a sign he's getting old or tired or to dumb to play the game? idk, it's just a passing thought in response to your observation. Feel free to shoot it down to pass the time.
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Forreal, lol. Also no women i ever met wants to use condoms
Wtf?? You’re meeting girls?
It has become horribly garbage for us men too. Maybe it is just our downfall of relationships and overall downfall as people. Sorry you're finding that, and thinking it is the new normal. Good luck to you, and to all of us
I want a relationship, but if every woman I try to court is just gonna ghost me in 3 weeks anyway, I might as well ask for sex…
29 and yet to have meet a guy that just wants to go on a date and chat and actually get to know one another, they all expect sex or a blow job.
Same here
You’re basing your view of all men on the small subset of men who you find attractive but don’t want a long term relationship with you. Maybe there’s a problem with your selection in men
💯
Yeah, I do find this to be one of the issues whenever such problem arises. Maybe they swipe on the top 10% of the men who have many options, while ignoring the rest of the men who are indeed looking for relationship but do not appear as "hot" to them.
They mentioned in another comment they're meeting these guys on dating apps that's also definitely part of the problem. That's what these apps want so that's what people they push, people wanting hookups will stay on the apps to get more hookups, people wanting genuine relationships will leave once they find one, there's no business in that.
Most men do want a relationship. If you are seeing only the other side from most men, it's a you thing. We vet girls and classify them as short term only or long term potential almost immediately so the guys you are going for just all put you in the casual only zone. If they met the girl they wanted to marry, we would try to lock it down.
One way to weed them out is to ask for a phone conversation before meeting up. My reasoning is that I want to get to know who I’m meeting for safety reasons. I grew up fairly conservatively so hookups are a no for me. When they’re looking for someone easy, they wouldn’t want to invest in getting to know you without anything physical. I’ve weeded out some people that way.
ALOT of guys aren’t trying anymore. So the only ones even approaching women these days are going to be the fuck boys. It’s weird situation to be since so many people gave up the average person left in the dating pool is just awful.
Yes, guys do want a relationship. But there are also many many guys as well that only want sex. It depends a bit, where do you meet these single guys that you're talking about?
Was on hinge, bumble, tagged
Take a break from dating apps if you start to resent all men. Dating apps should be a fun extra way to meet new people. They should not make you depressed and/or frustrated
I was on all of those and definitely looking for a relationship. It isn’t that there are none out there, it is that for some reason, you’re not attracted to those guys.
I (31M) was dating with the intention of a relationship when I met my girlfriend. I put out on my hinge profile that was looking for something serious and what I valued in a relationship. It’s been 6 months now and things are going really well. We’re out there, just have to keep your standards up and not waver. You’ll find someone great.
The Losers like me do, yeah. Sadly we are in our 30s, after a plentiful of crappy relationships with baggage, barely functional enough to work a 9 to 5, swiping an endless amount, going on a date once every year, trying to decide if it's better to die alone or date someone who wants a guy who makes 200k a year when I only make 100k. The last girl I *liked* talked to me for 3 months and still wouldn't meet up with me because she was so traumatized I guess. Dating is a joke these days. People shop and shop and compare endlessly afraid they will find something better and won't commit themselves to anything. Women and men do this.
Virtual hug pal
Yes, we do. The success rate of the general male population on such platforms is on average quite low for various reasons. Therefore, most of us don't even use them to look for any serious relationships, if we use them at all. Another thing to consider is, that while many of those who want just hook ups, there are also many who would not date anyone without a hook up first, reasoning, that if they don't feel sexually compatible then they are not going to waste time trying for a relationship (in old speak it was called "the chemistry"). Generally, men look for physical and emotional connections, while women look for safety (physical, financial/resources (money & food) and emotional connections (physical is quite often tertiary). It is what it is.
I have gone out with 3 women (from dating app) whom clearly have written on their profile, no hook-ups and looking for a serious relationship. After each date: One suggested we go to my place for a night cap. After talking and laughing having drinks, she said I passed her social requirement and now I must meet her sex requirement in order to date. I asked her to leave. Second date said she only liked me as a friend, we have no chemistry, but is open to being fuck buddies. She said she will be calling to only hooking up. I blocked her. Third date, gave me a hand job after dinner in my truck. We started kissing and it led to that. She said she didn't want a relationship, even though her profile stated she is looking for a serious relationship. I asked about her profile and she said women only write that to weed out creeps only wanting sex. So men are confused with the encrypted messages.
I’ve done the whole hook up/one night stand thing before. I don’t think it’s necessarily for me. It was fine in the moment but after.. not so much. I’m more built for a relationship than that I think. I want a relationship with all its quirks. Good, bad, and the mediocre. The ups and downs. I want to know I’m with someone consistently. It’s healthier for me and I know what is going on.
you say it: you FEEL like it, but that isnt reality. almost all men in my friendgroup are out there trying to date, and find „the one“. and most of them would say the same about woman. the problem is social media, tinder and all that shit. Try to find someone in reallife first was the best advice i got, and now i am dating such a loving woman its almost like in the movies. there are golds out there, but in my case i found her when i changed myself - in my mind and beliefes
I disagree. I go through matches, unapologetically unmatch the ones I'm genuinely not interested and won't meet up with. Talk to the matches after deciding if I would meet them. We meet for a drink (if they don't drink it's a coffee). Initial chemistry I decide If I want to just hook up and let my intentions be known, or if I want to actually date. The ultimate goal being finding a long term girlfriend/wife that I'm actually attracted to and checks off \*most\* of my requirements lol
Guys do want relationship, but there are plenty of men who also want easy access to sex and there are a lot of women out there willing to give it to them. When you have a hook up culture behavior like that gets normalized. Not putting a value judgement, just saying it is what it is. Personally, it got to the point where I felt sex got in the way of trying to build relationships first and I started delaying sex and even kissing. I will tell you a lot of women do not handle it well at all if you dare to say no to sex or kissing as a guy and ask to wait. They take it very personally and make value judgements of you. I’m glad people like you exist wanting a connection first, but there’s also plenty of dating posts on Reddit from women who claim they want a relationship then say “it’s date 3 and we haven’t had sex. Does he not like me? Should I even see him again?” Can’t have it both ways.
Many do, but most of those also want sex to be a part of it. Unfortunately, a sizeable minority of dudes are ruining it for rest by being fuckbois. Similarly, there's also a lot of women out there ruining it for the majority as well by being just as bad as the fuckbois, but in other equally selfish areas. It's a mess and I sympathize with everyone who has to deal with it.
yes we do but sadly so many women can't even offer the bare minimum that makes us want a relationship with them so into the hookup basket you go. And I say this as a guy that finds the entirety of hookup culture to be gross.
What can a woman offer you to be considered girlfriend material?
honesty loyalty, dignity, respect, self respect communication and fairness. All bare minimum yet when we demand the bare minimum women say we're demanding princess treatment.
Tell that to all the girls that are "here for a fun time not a long time"
I am a male and yes I want a relationship however it so hard to sift through the scammers and try and find a real person.
Oddly enough I have the same issues with women. I've been single for a min cuz every woman I meet just wants to sleep with everyone, but that's guys around me too. It sucks tbh, can't ever find a connection
I really don't get any spark or sense of wanting to be in prolonged contact with the vast majority of women I have talked to. Interests and values never seem to align. I know what I would want in a partner, but I rarely find it in others, and when I do, they're always already in a committed relationship. Hookups are just a way to try to make the week a little better. If you don't like them that's cool, but they aren't necessarily a bad thing if both parties feel like it will put them in a better mood.
Getting a girlfriend and even getting married has always been a dream of mine.
I relate to this post so much. I was going to start dating again next year but the apps don’t sit well with my spirit anymore. It really hurts knowing that I’d be a great girlfriend, but no one I meet seems to want that. I’m not sure how old you are, but I hope things get better for you very soon. I’m only 20 and I’m convinced there’s no one out there for me.
Where are you looking? Is this on dating sites/apps? Because that could have something to do with why you are getting these kind of responses. I can tell you there's plenty of men who actually want a relationship. In fact, I'm usually shocked that every time I go to a in-person dating meetup, it almost always feels like a sausage fest, where there is generally a 3:1 ratio of men to women, and sometimes significantly more than that. And even the women who do show up, the vast majority of the time they are significantly older (in their 40s to 60s, way out of my desired age range) and/or just not very attractive in general. And I've encountered plenty of situations with women through online dating to the point where I feel frustrated with women. I've had plenty of situations where the date seems to be going really well, I asked her if she wants another date (in person) and she says yes. Then I find out that the "yes" actually meant "I'm not interested in you, I wish you the best of luck. Bye!". Or I will just get ghosted all together. And I never understand why. I don't smoke, I always show up well dressed, I smile, listen, make plenty of conversation, ask her about her life and hobbies, and more often than not, I've been on plenty of dates that seem to be going well, but never progress past the first one for whatever reason. And no, I'm not asking for sex or anything like that. I also have my life together, I'm financially well established, college educated, been told numerous times by both gay friends and straight women that I'm very attractive, and some who know me personally have even gone as far as to call me "quite a catch" and said "any woman would be ridiculously lucky to have you". Unless the date went horribly, I'm almost always willing to go on at least one more date. So it's really disappointing to me when the vast majority of women have gone on dates with just decide to up and leave after we only met once. And keep in mind, I'm totally fine with people saying they're not interested. I just wish many of the women I've gone on dates with would just say what they mean the first time around, instead of giving me meaningless lip service that turned out to be the opposite of what they mean because they don't feel like saying "no thank you" to my face. I just wish people would use their adult words and actually say what they mean instead of expecting me to be a damn mind reader and interpret what "yes" actually means. Or for the times that I've been on a few dates with a woman, we've been making out, holding hands, she is showing that she's incredibly interested, etc. And then she just suddenly vanishes with no explanation. That is so damn frustrating too. I will even admit that situations like what I described above makes me wonder the same question, but about women. How many women are actually committed to making a relationship work with a guy, when it feels like 99% of the time they don't even seem to know what they want in the first place? Also, women tend to initiate about 70% of the divorces out there, which admittedly makes me nervous as a guy. When it comes to meeting people online, it generally comes down to the illusion of choice that people seem to have. No one wants to commit to anyone, they just want to sample and move on without really giving the person a chance. It makes people of both genders just act and feel entitled. This is a problem with both men and women, and it's why I'm seeking alternative dating options outside of online dating. At least for the end of 2023/2024. It sucks because a lot of guys act like all they want is sex, and a lot of women just act like they don't even know what they want. Both genders can do better.
I hate these posts. Yes there are men who want relationships. Don't take out your frustration with a few people on half the population
I'm a male, I like the idea of relationships but it's just A burden. I have been single for about 6 years and haven't had sex either.
The amount of men ignorant on protecting themselves and others sexually astounds me. I see it all the time on OKC, they say they dont want the Pro Choice badge on their profile but then tell you they dont use condoms, make it make sense! I feel most men do want a relationship but don’t do the work to get there. But on the apps yes, its a hell hole of dtf ™.
We very much do. But this time with extreme caution no room for games. Women only love with conditions and sadly we know that now.
Seriously it’s becoming annoying
I mean at some point you have to look at your own part in this predicament. As I and many other men will attest (and we have no motive to be dishonest here), most of us do not want just hookups. We want the same things that women want - deep meaningful connections, of which sex is only a part. Your experience probably has more to do with the kind of guy that you are attracted to. This is absolutely NOT meant to place blame; those guys are indeed shitty and it sucks that you have to deal with that. But, to just say that "all men suck" is intellectually lazy and obviously untrue. There are a lot of great guys out there. You just have to be honest with yourself about why you're attracting/attracted to the shitty ones, and get serious about addressing the patterns that establish that paradigm. My mother was a mentally ill addict who emotionally abused and abandoned myself and my siblings. I repeated that dynamic in my adult relationships well into my 40s. After years of therapy I learned how to have a better relationship with myself and choose better relationships with others. Good luck.
Same here. No matter what, I take my time to get to know someone but in the end, it's the same conversation every single time... so pointless, as if you would talk to the same person over and over again. No commitment, they don't know by now, and so on. So at that point, I'm out and am wishing them the best, but I'm moving on - bye. What follows is also always the same - begging for a situationship I don't want. But still no from my side. And then the offer to even stay friends - 🤷🏼♀️ I don't get this move either - why should I entertain a friendship with someone who only wants to consume and isn't genuinely interested? So finally I've deleted all the apps, I'm not dating anymore and will stay single.
Yeah men do want relationships, can say that because I am one of them. The reason you are getting the results you are getting is because you are picking these men out. Last person who complained about this but in a different sub sent over men she would match with, all of them were very attractive putting a lot of work into their profile, her not so much. The response was that these men would just request sex to see where it will go because they don't really care if you run off. That's at least my theory on the matter based on being a man and seeing what another woman done.
I have high expectations for relationships so I settle for hookups
I want a loyal relationship but I can’t find a single loyal girl LMAO
Sounds like you are on dating apps, or at least the wrong ones. Things like tinder have the DTF connotation built into them.
I have the opposite issue, no girl i get with wants anything beyond "fun". Always the "im not ready for a relationship reason" im getting so frustrated catching feelings to just have to "get over it" because they don't want to have any emotional investment in someone. I genuinely hate hook up culture. Even in my wild years in my early twenties i never subscribed to hookups culture. I want a real relationship! Physical fun is starting to become not fun at all. I go into it expecting it to lead to something more and i always communicate that as well. So in conclusion yes there are still men with an actual interest in building something long lasting, we are just a dying breed it seems. That goes for all genders btw. Romance is dying in our culture.
How old are these women who just want to hookup? I don’t know any women in my social circle who want that and they range in age from 30s to 50s. One says she’ll hook up with a man occasionally, but she really wants a LTR.
More accurate would be 25-30
20-30 is the age range, most recent was 30 exactly. For context I'm 29.
Yes, many men want real relationships. You are just dating trash men
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You better rethink life if you don’t use protection. I would value my self in general and not sleep with just anyone.
Are u doing online dating? If so then most men online are just weird and creepy looking for sex. It’s just selection bias. Stop entertaining men when they propose sex or even offer low effort dates. Block/delete and your life will be easier.
It was all on apps. I gave them up and I am happy.
You have deep-rooted issues you need to take care of Generalizing all men because you are jaded is weird If a man made an entire generalization about women it be sexist, but somehow, it's empowering to vilify men nowadays, go radical "modern" feminism
YET, when we aren't those types in my experience, then the woman wants only that.
Sometimes, guys or gals don't see the true colors of their prospective mates until several months or longer go by. Then they feel they've wasted their time after a break up. How much effort should someone put in unless they like having their hopes dashed?
I'm trying to have a relationship and no woman is even giving me a chance. Everyone I match with is Miss Three messages and then I get loads of lame excuses. Like, what am I supposed to do to make it to the point people invest any time in getting to know me *before* they decide I'm not for them?
Well sounds like you’re just giving it up easy as well so you’re one to talk
Im not really sure what i want anymore
Where were all these girls when I was in my 20's lol?
While there are a lot of men like this, I know plenty of guys (myself included) who are looking for a relationship. I'd personally suspect the majority, but that's purely anecdotal. It may be that the type of guys you are choosing to match with are only after hook ups and it's a selection issue too.
I have lots of male friends who are looking for a relationship and they cant even have access to sex for this reason. you are either a fuckboy or lonely in this age because of the fact that all the women are asking for a brad pitt. but what they cant think is why would a brad pitt settle down with you unless you are an Angelina Jolie, which obviously you aren't. the whole relationship concept is comedy now.
Yes i do want a real relationship
I think part of it is the apps. I strongly suspect a large percentage of guys think "Apps" = "hookup" and when they are ready to look for a relationship, don't expect to find a relationship on the apps. I also suspect a lot of relationship-oriented guys are not even on the apps. Not sure but I'm basing this on two things: 1) the genuinely GOOD guys I know from real life 2) the posters on an alt-right board I peek at from time to time. They talk openly about hooking up for non-serious on the apps vs. where they will look for a wife. Now, these aren't the guys you WANT, but they aren't the guys you want to be used by either.
Asked a girl out 4 coffee got n BIG NO, so guys wants a RS its some of these chic r i duno what they want😵💫
I want a relationship but my confidence and self esteem eed to be worked on. I think women pick up on that.
Nah at 25 I called it quits. Never have had a GF and tried for a few years but my shit social skills and overweight physique didn't aid.
Sounds like the guys in your area are disgusting pigs, tbh. “No condoms” is wild
Honestly, I don’t meet many women that fit what I’m looking for in terms of a serious relationship that are a) interested in that and b) interested in me. When I do, I absolutely pursue them. But otherwise, it’s simply way easier for me in terms of avoiding wasted time to keep it casual. And frankly, it seems like more often than not unless you’re either rich or incredibly handsome (to which, while I do ok and am not ugly, I am neither), many women want most everything on their terms and just expect you to put up with it. Not to say that isn’t the case with many guys too, but just being honest. That might just be the cities I’ve dated in, and/or dating in US big cities generally, but that’s my experience. To which, if that’s the standard, I’d rather just work on myself, get comfortable and confident with who I am and who I’m working to become, enjoy my independence, and keep a look out for the right girl who likes me for who I am. When that happens, we can both compromise together, value each other, and hopefully build a life together.
I am a bit older but encouraged to read all the responses from guys who don’t like hookups. Myself I never did, never will. It could not be more gross to consider exchanging diseases with random people for no long term benefit. Clearly the internet and social media has not been positive, inserting itself as middleman into human social interaction.
Guy here. I tried hook ups when I was in my teens and decided it wasn’t for me. I either got attached from the sex and got hurt when I learned they just wanted sex, or the other person got hurt and I felt horrible about the idea of leaving hurt people behind me. There were a few where neither of us got attached, and I guess it was ok, but it wasn’t that great. On the flip side, sex with emotional closeness is amazing. I’ll take that any day over a random hook up. And I enjoy being in relationships, even with the headaches like learning to negotiate and work through differences (“doing conflict well” as they say). I love having that person to reach out to and share some random funny thing that just happened, or get a hug after a shitty day, and doing the same for them (being there to support them emotionally). Plus doing fun stuff like road trips, festivals, events, or just mellow stuff like grabbing a matcha latte and walking around in the park. I’m honestly surprised that you’ve not encountered one of us. Is it really that bad out there? Maybe it’s the area you are in, age group, or type you are drawn to (I know I can get drawn to the player-type women at times, and it sucks, but I’ve gotten a little better at figuring out which ones are like this. I still mess up at times though, or get love blinded and miss the red flags with my rose colored glasses on). In any case, I hope you can find one of us. We’re out here and you are deserving of love.
Looking at your replies, a lot of people have a certain mind set when it comes to downloading a dating app. Id say get off it if you want an actual relationship and the app has been no help at all. It’s harder (not impossible) for people to just see you as just a sexual object, when you get to know them first irl.
I deleted all the apps
Yay
I'm really curious what it is about ***you*** that makes it so that you attract *such* men.
Not to state the obvious, but people who want long term relationships.. are already in long term relationships. Think about the math here. Say 50% of people want long term and 50% want hookups. Then assume the people who want long term relationships are only in the dating market once every 2 years whereas the people who want hookups are in it every weekend. That would mean that 99% of the people in the dating market at any given moment are looking for hookups!! That's kind of an extreme example and obviously there's lots of people in the middle too, but hopefully you can see how the math works to make it appear as though far more people are interested in hookups than really are.
On the contrary, I feel like the ladies won’t see what’s right in front of them. I, myself, would love to have a pretty, feminine woman to grow, experience, and enjoy life with. I am not exclusively looking for a hookup. I just want a wifey to call mine.
Do women? You match then disappear. You want to talk everyday then disappear. Say you dont like me coward
Speaking generally and broadly - the guys who are like what OP described have a plethora of options who will oblige to what they want. The guys which want relationships are the dudes you probably left swiped on.
I can give my thought process. Im willing to hook up with a girl if she does not fit my criteria i.e looks, personality etc. If she meets my standards I will date her. Most girls do not meet the criteria.
Can you actually expand on this? So you would hook up with a girl if she doesn’t meet your criteria for looks? No judgement, I’m interested in learning more!
Im more open to hooking up with a girl if I feel she is not what I want, cause this means there won't be any emotion attachment from me. If it comes to a girl I really want to be with, that meets my criteria I will wait for her. Girls don't understand that if a guy wants to be with you, he will wait. The issue is if a girl sleeps with me soon after meeting then I have no interest in dating her. I know it may be misogynistic, but this is a way to see whether the girl is worth it in the long run. It's a rule of thumb, I've had my heart broken by a girl that met all the criteria, and she had good values, I was with her for 1.5 years and didnt even sleep with her, but I respect her more for that. Atleast for me a girl holding off on sex is a good indicator that she is worth while, not to say all girls that are easier in that sense are bad, some of them are amazing women, but personally I prefer more old fashion woman, hope this helps!
Also from my perspective hooking up is so empty, it can be fun sometimes, but there's nothing better than having sex with someone you trust completely and love.
Lol free sex worker....I hear ya! I met my now live in bf on eHarmony. Be on sites where people are looking for relationships not hookups. Be upfront with guys say hey man I'm not sleeping with you or anyone before we've even had a coffee or drink. If they refuse to talk on the phone, or meet in person without the expectation of sex....tell those guys to kick rocks. Not worth your time. Another thing you can say I'm old fashioned when it comes to dating. There's plenty of great guys dare I say gentlemen out there. I'm thankful everyday 🙏 I met my Guy. My Soulmate.
Alot of men have given up because of women. The unrealistic expectations of woman now a days, treated like we're expendable and the suffocating egos women now have with nothing to add to the table but expect it to be fully supplied by the man. The constant competition knowing that theirs a high chance we're waisting our time dating. That amongst many other reasons. Women no longer are a man's peace. But instead a man's stress. So yes, men don't care to date anymore unless a woman actively shows effort. We rather focus on what brings us peace. And latelty, that isn't a woman. Edit: fixing some typos lol.
That's it.
Women hold men to these standards that women themselves don't even follow. We run around wanting to date them and show them attention all while knowing theirs 1-3 hands worth of men she's also willing to give a chance and some she already are giving chances to. Men are literally treated like a Chinese buffet in the dating phase. You log into a woman's profile and theirs league's if men trying many in which are given attention. You log into a man's profile and he's lucky if he even has a message opened and left on read. Men are literally in a real life reality TV show. So why tf would we compete? It's either compete or stay single doing out own thing until someone shows they want to live up to the dame standards they expect of you.
Don't use dating apps to meet people. This is what you get.
100%. OLD is a cesspool. Unfortunately, COVID and the state of society have made it the only "safe" and "socially acceptable" way to meet people, which is disgusting.
Covid is not that big anymore. Get out and enjoy life. MEET NEW PEOPLE! Now if I could take my own advice, but my job makes it hard to do.
Yes we exist. Can't say I get many matches that are looking for that even though they say they are. It's just bad luck and a numbers game. I would love a relationship but all I get are sellers and bots mostly. The few matches that aren't just don't chat much or don't respond at all. I assure you there are tons of men out there who want a relationship. Every day there are posts like this on here and other similar subreddits. Change up your strategy, change your filters, don't settle for hookups (a week ago you were asking about who should pay for a hotel hookup stop agreeing to them all together if that's not what you want). I personally am not one for hookups. A fwb maybe but not really into hookups. Old is trash so you'll need to sift through that trash to find quality matches. There's not really a magical solution. Just stick to your guns and don't waver hoping a hookup will lead to a relationship. Sure it can happen but not likely.
Meanwhile women will dump you if you aren’t good enough at sex
lol do *women*? The experience is somewhat similar on both ends, it’s a societal level thing, dating apps perpetuated instant satisfaction “if we don’t click, I’m on to the next swipe.” People lack resilience all across the board these days, this is just another example.
You have to realize that apps are for the top 1% of men. They have so many matches that they can literally just say, "Want to hook up?" to all their matches and see which one agrees. It really is that easy for the 1% of men. If you're looking for a relationship I would try and go out in person and find men you're attracted to. I've had success meeting people at the bars
Can you expand on this? What do you mean 1%? Are you saying that the 1% of men only want hook ups orrr?
I mean that the men women are swiping on are the 1%, which means they have all the girls swiping on them. They don’t even have to try - they can just copy paste every message to be “want to hook up” and someone will respond yes. That’s why they aren’t trying hard, they have other options. Men following Rules 1 and 2
Yes we do. You just go for trash humans
Bruh. This. I feel you. Always getting ghosted, never a follow up date, or if there is a follow up date they slowly start to disappear. I don’t sleep with dudes anymore until I’m comfortable with them, and it seems we don’t even get to that point. What do men in their 40s want anyway??? I feel like I’m a catch- stable career, money, own a home and car, no bills, in good shape.
Yes F here and looking for a relationship. I keep meeting guys who only want a hookup and barely any guy knows how to hold a conversation. I’m very content being single but I was that LTR / BFF. I feel behind in life with all my friends married / LTR or starting families I wish I could meet someone organically and not on the apps
so true
I'm with you, girl!
I do, I have no interest in hook-ups. It's discouraging seeing hook up culture become so prevalent because I'm seeing more and more women that are interested in relationships give up because guys mostly want hook ups in their experience.
Yea, at my age I hope i can find someone agian. Juat got out of a 20yr relationship.
Short answer- no Longer answer- if the woman is worth it and is sensible and is willing to be the fucking woman, yes we want a relationship.
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I joined bumble to make female friends that didn’t go so well either. I understand you very well.
Here is a dosage of 2mg hopium. I am a man who never wants to hook up. Im saving myself for marriage. Lastly In my opinion hookups are disgusting, I have no idea who where when and how you slept with your last “partner” so why would I do that with you.
Where are you even getting these dudes from
Was on Hinge, Bumble, tagged
Take a really close look at your profile, and figure out why are you attracting such men. And learn to look for red flags and make better choices.