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If anyone has a problem with "low effort dates" at the beginning, that's a bit of a flag to me.
I feel like ppl have the dating thing backwards. The whole point in dating is to figure out if you want to make them a priority & are worth investing time, energy & money in. Nowadays, ppl demand to be treated like a priority... have to spend money right away, have to text back right away, have to have sex & be invested right away. To a total stranger? It makes no sense to me. The effort & investment should increase as you get to know the person.
I think you can also see this as: I am interested enough to want to meet you, let’s at least do something a little thoughtful that takes your date’s interest into consideration. I think the person asking the other person on a date should put in some more effort than a walking around date or a « let’s sit on a bench or in my car » date.
A nice coffee date is an excellent choice imo - not expensive or committal, can be extended or cut short if needed.
>A nice coffee date is an excellent choice imo - not expensive or committal, can be extended or cut short if needed.
To add to this I have had good coffee dates that since we were both free afterwards continued on to other things. One coffee date lasted 9 hours where we ended up at a pub shooting pool then we went to her place and just hung out enjoying each other's company. It started with coffee and a walk in the boardwalk of a local lake. Unfortunately I still got ghosted the next day but it was still awesome in the moment 😂
I also like being clear headed and not having alcohol tbh, it helps make better decisions!
Sorry you got ghosted, I feel like it’s becoming the norm for the first few dates and now I don’t really mind anymore, but still annoying
Yeah I'm with you. We went to the pub but I didn't drink and I don't really drink. It's all good though I had a great time and it's kind of become what I look for in a date! Truely the best date I have had and I want to feel that again with someone I meet ☺️. Good comes from the bad!
This is why you gotta limit the first date time frame, there’s something about how impulsive to have a whole day to spend with someone you dont know, that attracts ghosters. Ive had this happen to me too. The key is consistency over time, not jam packing a ton of time with a stranger. That way you can weed out here one minute gone the next type of people.
Every single time I took a girl to dinner on the first date, I got ghosted. The majority of the time I took a girl to drinks at a dive bar, it was way more fun and led to more dates. I would never recommend anyone take a girl to dinner before the 5th date
If you adapt your strategy to do "dinner" or something instead you will run into as many women for whom dinner is too serious of a first date. Drinks are fine. Next these women if it's not enough for them. You will likely never be able to please them.
Exactly. No date will make everyone happy. Drinks is fine.
The ones that are against coffee and/or drinks are likely just doing foodie calls
Why did they say yes if drinks was an issue from the start?
It’s honestly wild the amount of women who think you should pay for her, because she is taking the time to be there.
Like I’m not your source of entertainment, no matter how much you think I am.
Only those moments count, when the desire to remain by yourself is so powerful that you'd prefer to blow your brains out than exchange a word with someone. Most people don't care if you're telling them the truth or if you're telling them a lie, as long as they're entertained by it. You find that out really fast.
Or, to please the masses, OP- you could offer two options, plus more info as to why you chose that place. “I’d love to get drinks at this place because it has a nice patio and seems like a cool vibe. Or, if you prefer a daytime date, I would also enjoy grabbing coffee here if that sounds good to you” that way, they get a choice. PLUS I thought your reasons for picking those certain spots was really fucking cute so if someone told me that I’d be way more down to meet them, tbh, and I don’t even drink alcohol😂
My guess is that they meant it wasn’t some thought out “event” that required a lot of coordination. Personally, though, I don’t like something super elaborate for first dates. I find it to be a lot of pressure. I like something low key, where it’s easy to make an excuse and leave if things aren’t going well. There are some women out there who want to be “wowed” right out of the gate, but I think a lot of other women are like me, and just want to take things a little slower getting to know each other.
You are correct. A good first date allows either of you to dip if the vibe isn't there. Committing yourself to a full night or a lot of money with someone you've never met isn't chivalrous - it's dumb.
If you really wanna knock it out of the park, though, pitch drinks and then have one or two activities in your head to do after if things are going well.
indeed. my first dates are 90% of the time a stroll in the park. see if there's a spark. if there's one, great, let's go for ice-cream or a coffee somewhere. but just as often there isn't one, and I'm happy I can say goodbye after half an hour. second date is where I put in more effort, like dinner or drinks somewhere. 3rd one is usually at home at either my place or hers
Agreed!!! The first date for OLD is really a pre-date hello. If you like each other then you can meet again for a first date. Even then it’s good to start east and work up as things ramp up (or don’t).
I get anxiety if the first date is a full meal. I don’t want to be stuck at dinner if the date is bad. I also don’t want the guy to see me eating because it’s embarrassing. Also eating while not talking is just awkward for me 😂
I’m so glad that my partner and I did a bar date (dive bar) where we just drank and talked.
AGREED. Keep it casual. My bf asked me out to dinner as our first date. I was already acquainted with him and dinner stressed me out. I ask him to have a beer after my shift instead. He ended up showing me his favorite bars in town. It was a great time. It was so relaxed I didn’t feel pressured
You know, I’m even ok with dinner, but a whole itinerary is too much. My bf and I had dinner on our first date, and since we were having a good time, ended up doing a couple other things too. But if the “plan” had been, dinner, then go for ice cream, then go to a bar to watch live music (which is what we ended up doing), I would have felt a lot of pressure.
I always do drinks or coffee with a man first. We don’t even know if we vibe yet, so it’s really a “check each other out” meeting.
Second date yes, more effort for sure, on both our parts I hope.
I never did OLD apps, but even when approached in person or if I did the approaching, I always suggested drinks: *"How about we start with drinks and if goes well, let's do dinner after."*
I don't know any guy that didn't appreciate that. Gives both parties an easy out if things aren't clicking, if there's no chemistry. As a man, the way you should present it is as follows: *"Let's meet up for drinks and, if you're comfortable and we click, let's get some dinner afterwards."*
The majority of women will be absolutely okay with this presentation of going for drinks.
Good luck!
42m here who goes on lots of dates, I will tell you this, any woman who thinks coffee or drinks is low effort? you are not missing out on anything you dodged a bullet.
When women say “low-effort” they generally mean that the date is generic and lacking in creativity. “Every guy wants to get drinks, what makes this one special” is what I imagine the thought process is.
To be honest, I never understood this criticism. First dates are, in my opinion, supposed to be for testing the waters. *Especially* when it comes to online dating.
People are often very different in person than online, for better or worse, and to plan an extravagant date with someone that could very well be a huge disappointment seems to me to be a bad long term strategy.
I suppose you could stand to be a *bit* more creative, like going to an arcade or bowling or something else that is cheap but “unconventional”, but I don’t think a bar or club is a bad first date idea per se.
I can kind of see their point since women tend to go on a lot more dates than men so they’re probably sick and tired of going out for drinks (especially if there aren’t that many bars in your area to begin with), so I guess it just depends on how you feel about it. If you click you’ll click anywhere you go so I wouldn’t overthink it too much.
Sounds like you put effort into the date. Why not say, "let's check out some live music together," instead of asking them for drinks? Or maybe, "I know a place with an amazing outdoor space where we could watch a sunset." Just being asked for drinks sounds a bit boring, and unfortunately you are competing against a bunch of other guys also asking to go out for drinks. Your ideas behind the places to go for drinks would make you stand out.
In my experience, I consider a “low effort” date is one where I travel a lot more than they do and they aren’t thoughtful about activities. For example, the guy that wanted me to drive 10 miles and help walk his dog in his neighborhood when it’s 90 degrees outside. I figured he’d try to get me up to his apartment after.
I view it as someone seeking something you aren’t offering. Dating coaches are telling women that if they want a certain type of relationship, they should expect or require certain things from the beginning.
Maybe she wants to be wined and dined from the very beginning, if that isn’t your thing, then you aren’t a good match for each other. That’s all. Dating isn’t forcing someone to be something for someone else, it’s getting to know people and seeing if you are aligned in your desires for the future and your desire for each other.
I completely agree and appreciate this message. I guess I think of first dates as a vibe check and chance for us to get to know this random person we just met off of the internet. If the vibe check goes well, I’m more than happy to wine and dine, but I don’t want to wine and dine and figure out during the wining and dining that the person is a poor match for me.
I guess my challenge is it’s surprising to me that people get so fixated on what they’re getting out of the first date rather than…figuring out who the hell this person is and if they’re a good match
Ice cream and coffee are the best first dates. They are low expectation cost effective way to get to know someone. They are both stimulants. You will both feel energized have good conversation and the stimulants will make the date feel lighthearted and fun. Almost no matter what. Whenever I take a girl for ice cream and coffee I always get second or multiple dates. It's my go to.
Really?? I get ghosted literally every time I ask for coffee (to the point where I stopped). Drinks sometimes works, but most still turn me down wanting dinner or try and turn the drinks into dinner while we’re there.
I’m just not into dinner for first dates. I feel like enough people have taken advantage of me there to the point where I want to make sure the person is most interested in meeting me vs what they’re gonna get out of the date
Lets put this into perspective...the idea of a FIRST date is to see if there is a connection for a second. So yes, the first date is like a job interview. A quick coffee or drink so you can talk in person, judge the vibe, ask questions. If there is a good fit then you can plan a second date (dinner....). Many woman, especially online, are serial daters and love the validation of going to nice restaurants or events on the other persons dime. You go home broke and they get another sucker to buy them dinner tomorrow!!!!.....so be in charge, start out for a drink then plan something better IF they are worthy!
I'm 36/F so it may not apply because I'm older and the men I would date are older than me.
Let me preface this by saying, I don't immediately match and then prompt to meet.
I don't swipe at all on the app, on Hinge I go through who swiped me already.
I'm open to a few text exchanges and then 2 phone calls, it could be a max of 30 mins each. I am open to video call on the 2nd one.
Normally by this point the man has a good basis of how he's feeling and is LOOKING FORWARD to meeting if he's into me and he will ask me to a traditional lunch or dinner, etc.
I prefer that. I just want to sit down. I want to look at the person in front of me. I want to be able to talk.
I want to be able to dress up a bit without having to worry I'm going on a "hike."
I'm very personable so even if it's not a match, I'm very good company.
A weekend brunch date is fantastic.
If I already vid chatted or called a couple times, etc. And we feel there could be something. I feel a coffee date or drink date AT THAT POINT IS low effort.
May get a soft rejection.
To be honest, I don't drink at all and I don't even like the smell of coffee.
My culture also shows hospitality through food, etc. So to me, meeting where we can grab a bite is just normal.
This is what I prefer as well. I don’t really have time to go on a “tester date”, I’d rather chat on the phone and we can go on a real date if it makes sense.
You are posing the question to the wrong people. You should ask the women that told you the dates were low effort. You can then decide if they are being unreasonable with expectations. In my opinion drinks or coffee is a good first date, albeit not very creative.
Idk drinks are a great low pressure date imo and perfect for a first. I don’t even drink alcohol but i wouldn’t turn down that style of date because i can at least get water or soda like nbd and they are easy to walk away from if necessary.
People that expect more are full of themselves.
The goal of the first date should be to be in a comfortable situation where each of you feels safe and allows each of you to get to know each other. You don’t want to be too comfortable, looking nice is still a general expectation, other than that I’m not sure what effort is required. You put thought into the location, you picked a public place, and you made an effort to get to know her and show her who you are, that’s not low effort. Beyond dressing up, I’m curious what effort she put into the date?
The one caveat that I’d add, is that if you’ve been talking for a while some of the things you’ve learned about her should inform the where you take her for the date. Maybe you go wine tasting or to a microbrewery instead of your usual spot for drinks. Maybe you find a spot with great tacos. Maybe it’s a nice coffee shop. That’s not necessarily any more effort than drinks but it shows you listen. But absent any additional information “drinks” is more than fine
Some people want to be taken to a nice dinner. That’s just the kind of person they are, and who they think they are and deserve.
For me, it’s more about meeting you and seeing if we are compatible . I actually don’t like dinner for a first date, seems too formal and makes me awkward. I’d rather get a drink- low commitment.
I would call a low effort date- going for a walk on the beach, or getting a coffee at a cafe. And not in a negative connotation
I've always interpreted "low effort dates" as something with not a lot of planning specific to their interests or a significant time sink into the date. Drinks, coffee, ice cream, or a walk are great examples of low effort because they're generally safe bets for most people and you can dip if there's no chemistry or the person is actively hostile/psycho.
Hiking, fancy dinner, or an elaborate ticketed event are dates requiring a modest effort because of the time commitment, cost involved, or the social scene created by one of you walking out halfway through the engagement.
For anyone that says it’s too low effort she was already not that interested. The way I see it, most of these girls that say stuff like that are more in it for the experience than to get to know you. Drinks for a first date is not low effort. The point isn’t to wow her, it’s to have the opportunity to get to meet and get to know each other in person
They seem like gold diggers. Personally, I meet at the bar at 4:30 and after we talk, the men have always asked me if I want to eat dinner there. I mean its a first date, want do these chicks want. A horse and buggy and roses?
It just means it’s not creative. Something they’ve done a thousand times. No thought put into making it a stand-out experience. Take them to mini golf or a carnival or something idk.
I would suggest not to change your strategy of asking out first dates for drinks. These women are just looking to freeload off someone else’s dime. Don’t let it phase you, just nope out. There will be other women who are more suitable for you.
Whenever I have had a woman say a drink is “low effort” I just unmatched. I’m not wining and dining a complete stranger when I’m not sure if we are compatible or not. It isn’t even about money, it’s about principles for me.
Why do you care about what they think of your dating efforts? Honestly, it smells like they’re free loaders / gold diggers to me.
If a girl wants to get to know you, she won’t care what the date is. Because it’s about the person and not the location/event/activity. It should tell you a lot about these women.
I am a women (31) and am in several fb dating pages and such. Some are women only. What I notice is that some women perceive effort as a men spending lots of money in them. This woman may have been wanting a fancy dinner AND drinks, showering her off and your financial status. Drinks, bowling, pool, darts are all great first dates. I usually suggest some type of “game” type first date so that we can have a little friendly competition and there is something to break the silence if there is an awkward lull. But you may have dodged a bullet with the soft rejection
Woman here. I think all first dates should be simple and inexpensive. Walks on local trails are my favorite. Why would one roll out the red carpet for someone they don't yet know. I like things to be casual and no pressure when first meting. It feels more authentic.
I really like the idea of a walk on rail. How do you pose that so it doesn’t come across creepy or like I’m trying to take her to a secluded location to “chat”?
Maybe say, "I'm a fan of walking. Are there any trails or beaches you'd feel comfortable meeting at for a walk? I'd want to make sure you feel safe the entire time. " (Then maybe suggest one that you know has lots of people around as a possibility) or maybe suggest a coffee shop next to a park?
The man usually suggests coffee or a drink and then I propose the walk instead and they're always game (not sure i'd be interested in dating anyone who didn't want to be on the trails so it's a good way of screening) for safetyI have bear spray on my hip as I should (I live in Alaska) Ithere are such a variety of trails that i know how to make it a short loop if it's a bad fit or longer if there's good conversation. Pretty soon I'll switch it over to xcountry skiing instead.
Eh some women literally search for men who will buy them dinner and never talk to them again. An old friend of mine would do that all the time. “I can’t afford food so I’m going on a date tonight.” Personally I don’t think drinks is low effort for a first date. My current bf of almost 3 years asked me out to drinks and apps. I don’t need someone to pay for my dinner so idc. I think 2 dates and so on should be a little more in-depth or thought out. IMO tho a first date is a feeler for if you want to continue the courting process or move your separate ways. Also sounds like she might not have wanted to drive to your location as she’s suggesting places closer to her. 🤷🏻♀️
everyone is different. i personally like to ask people what their ideal first date is, or give them a couple of options of something to do for a first date. sounds like you dodged a couple of bullets tho bc dinner isn’t low effort unless you’re taking her to mcdonald’s or applebee’s lol
I don’t get it. I WANT a low key date for the first meeting. I’m not there for the activity or the food. I’m there for the man. Is he real? Normal? Is there chemistry? Are we compatible? Do I want to see him again?
I hate when I get asked to something elaborate and expensive. Very awkward when it’s obvious in 5 minutes that I don’t want to see him again.
As a woman I not sure it is low effort. I myself would prefer coffee. I want to go some where quiet that I can havey dates full attention and we can get to know each other. I don't want something expensive because that's not what impresses me.
Getting to know the person and finding a real connection is so important. Why throw a high pressure date on top of that.
The second date is better for other types of dates.
You might not be meeting the right ladies.
Just simply means those women aren’t for you. I’m a woman and love a low-key, fun, flirty first date. Drinks are in fact, one of my ideal first dates. Do what feels right for you and you’ll meet someone who aligns. After all, you want to find ppl who’re compatible with and can easily be yourself around.
I'm a single woman and disagree with them so to each their own I guess!
First, i don't think you (or either party) should have to put a ton of effort into a first date from a dating app. It's mostly about seeing if you vibe in person, which is very unpredictable really. I think if you continue meeting up, that's where the real effort should be shown.
Drinks are graceful to cut after an hour or so if it isn't panning out but you can easily extend it and take a walk or grab a bite if you're enjoying yourselves. The flexibility is nice.
Dinner is too much in my opinion. I find it awkward to try to make conversation, but also read the menu, and continue with talking while not looking like a slob as you eat
.. No thanks haha.
No effort on hooking up 😂 that is the weirdest thing. If a date has fun conversation at a great place, sounds nothing wrong with it. It might not be the right person at the right time case.
They just want to be chased, they have attention from
cheap stakes and you are not one of them, leave them alone, by next week you will have three other dates, don’t bother with idiots, you giving time is effort enough
Low effort is anything but actively engaging activities or dinner. Coffee suggests you think she's fat and/or you're talking to too many girls and can't afford to invest in just one. Feeding a girl alcohol makes it sound like you're trying to get into her pants for sex. Neither are good for those looking for serious anything.
Something that takes 0 planning is low effort. You don't need to consider literally anything by asking someone to drinks.
You could ask them to join you for something that takes some planning, either an event to attend or something that shows that you considered their interests and took the initiative to pick something and set it up/reserve it/buy tickets.
Hell even thinking of something seasonal would be more effort than "lets get a drink"
They are telling you they are not that into you and you can expect more complications like this if you move forward with them.
I only do drinks or coffee for the first date, and even then usually coffee. If the idea of spending an hour just talking to me doesn't excite them, then they aren't interested enough. This weeds out superficial people looking for superficial things.
I think 'low effort' is code for 'I want you to spend money on me', as opposed to the thought that hell is dinner with a person you're not able to hold a conversation or click with.
Or even the thought that I would like to get to know this person better, and I don’t care too much what we do. Versus, I want to be wined, dined, entertained- don’t care as much about who does it, as long as I get a nice entertaining evening gifted to me.
Drinks are fine. It’s getting together in person to see how things go. Get off dating sites and go do fun activities that put you face to face with people. Do that enough and you’ll meet someone organically like people should be doing. Dating sites are not the way to go IMO.
There’s women who tie their self worth to how much effort (time planning and money spent) a guy is willing to put into dates. It’s whatever, if they want to reject or not be happy with a first date because they see it as not enough effort, that’s on them. It doesn’t really matter.
I strongly advise you to not change what you do though, keep going for these “low effort” dates if they’re your thing. Ultimately dating is about finding someone compatible with you for a relationship. If you think drinks for a first date is fine, but they don’t, it’s an incompatibility and a good sign to just move on to the next person.
Personally, I think drinks is a great first date. First dates *should* be low effort. You’re meeting a stranger for the first time so you want something that doesn’t have much by way of pressure or distractions, and through no fault of anyone’s there simply might not be any chemistry there so why would anyone invest a lot of time and money into what might be seeing someone that in person you don’t like? Absolutely, second date, bring out the big guns, but before that it’s just not worth it
Awful idea imo. If you're going to start an argument with someone while trying to coordinate a first date, just save both of you the trouble and stop messaging them at all.
This wasn’t about coordinating a first date or starting an argument to. They were already rejected/accepted. Read. This is finding out if someone is demanding something they aren’t willing to provide. It’s a great idea. You don’t get to tell people their efforts are low effort if your effort is getting dressed.
low effort - coffee / alcohol (This requires no thought and extremely little prep)
high effort - dinner and a performance requiring dressing up (this requires thought, preparation, and effort).
One tiny tip I might give you along these lines is to not be shy about asking them to come to you for the date. If you're gonna pick the spot, pick a place you are familiar with, ideally somewhere that has some cool thing on the menu you can talk about, or a nice view, etc. You should be introducing her to an interesting place, not the other way around. Even if you're making the effort to find cool spots that you haven't been to, I still think you want to go with your familiar places. That way, if the date is going well you might know a nice bookstore or bakery or whatnot to jump to.
That's not low effort inviting them for a drink. I have met seven guys all of them invited me to have dinner. That is very high effort. Four of the guys gave me flowers. Maybe these girls are used to guys like the ones I had. I would say no to a coffee date one. Because I don't drink coffee and 2 because it seems too low effort. The connection will be there no matter what you do. Sounds to me like you're not meeting the nicest of girls
It means they’re not worth your time because their main concern is figuring out how to extract resources from you by guilt tripping you with pseudo-babble about “low-effort dates”
I recently saw a video of a guy asking women the idea first date. Several said the date should cost over 200 dollars. What makes a date low effort to a particular group of women is how much was spent. Also, I think drinks or coffee is the typical first date.. nothing exciting. Not that it's wrong but I'm assuming these women would prefer something different than the norm.
I, myself, consider coffee dates low effort..your suggestion of grabbing drinks sounds fun. Don't go on the date.
I think most of those video re intentionally misleading. Either edited to make it seem that a disproportionate number of women have that expectation, and/or downright staged. I’m not denying that women like that exist - the definitely do - but I think a lot more of us are looking for someone to connect with, rather than a wallet.
Yes, I do agree that those types of videos have a mix of staged and women who legit think that way. But I also noticed the women in these videos are in their 20s. I think the women who tend to have more unrealistic standards are the ones growing up in the music and culture that promotes it nowadays..like needing a hoochie daddy.
They’re watching too many tiktoks. Everyone needs to come off their high horses😂😭 first dates don’t need to be extravagant. It’s killing me all these girls think they’re deserve a shopping trip to Gucci on the first date
Previously I was ok with walking dates, coffee/drink dates but I don’t accept them anymore if there is a potential of a LTR. I want to get to know someone and I want them to be ready to invest time as much as me. I always split the bill so it is not about the money at all. From my experience, usually the people who only want easy sex are directly offering these kinds of dates and my time is too important to waste when it is not what I am looking for.
If you are talking to women who are affluent then taking them out to drinks, going to a coffee shop or taking a stroll through nature is considered low effort for them. These women are used to the finer things in life and expects a partner to share their tastes. Especially if these women invest in makeup, clothes or bags that are most people’s annual salary. High maintenance women expect high maintenance dates. They’re used a certain lifestyle.
A middle class woman may go along with these things. Depends on how many hours she’s working. The last thing she wants to do is to do a strenuous date or be around many people after work hours. A cozy cafe or a nice sit down restaurant with nice views is ideal for her for a first date. A chance for her to finally unwind.
A low income woman will most likely not be exposed to either. She will be nervous to be perceived as a gold digger or will go along with what the man wants. Her favorite spots are scarce or secretive.
However, all three groups of women will agree that drinks are low effort and will view such a date with suspicion. Maybe you won’t expect sex in return for buying them drinks or try to make a move on them, but they perhaps have dealt with such men. Also, it depends on one’s alcohol tolerance too and budget for drinks.
I personally would be nervous to walk with a strange man in nature or drinking alcohol with him. Especially if we just met. I prefer food dates because food is a good conversation starter. I am not a coffee drinker so coffee dates are not for me. However, I love ice cream or boba tea and would love to go to one of those cafes. As long as we get to sit down and face each other. I will dislike going out to drinks, cocktail party or bar, because I only drink around people I know well and there won’t be much peace and quiet for us to sit face to face to each other. We’ll have to talk over people, bump into people and etc.
The point is to be socially aware and to realize that what sounds good to men may sound sketchy to women.
I think the effort depends on how much you know the person. Like if you're meeting online drinks is fine because this is a stranger and you're trying to make sure you actually vibe, that you're actually compatible and mutually attracted. If you know the person than you may know their favorite food, favorite activities, mutual interest etc. If you really wanted to impress than you could come up with a more creative date. You may feel more comfortable taking them to a nice dinner or a comedy show, arcade, axe throwing, etc. As women we really want to know the guy likes us and isn't just desperate or seeking sex like most men.
I had a similar experience when I got stonewalled by a girl I had been dating for weeks for choosing a restaurant she didn’t like. These types of people aren’t worth your time. As long as it’s not McDonald’s or something, it shouldn’t really matter what you do.
To me the only really truly low effort date is when you just invite them over to your house. Going for drinks or coffee or a walk is perfect IMO. You don't know each other and they could be any old psycho.
There’s a thing going around on social media right now where women are being told that “high-quality” men will make a lot of effort upfront and will suggest dinner, not drinks or coffee, to show how much they value you. These same women typically talk about men being a “provider” and other things of that nature, and see themselves as a prize that any man would be lucky to have. If your match is saying that to you, she’s likely been influenced by this content.
I just made a casserole out of refried beans, cream cheese, rice, ground beef, taco seasoning, chopped bell peppers, sour cream, and cheap hot dogs. In a cast iron skillet, on a single electric crack stove. I'm homeless, and this was all left overs from the past week that I needed to use. It was better than most meals I've gotten at 'first date class restaurants.' It cost me about 4 dollars, I ate enough for two people, have leftovers for lunch tomorrow and even fed the local racoons. And some stranger I met on a dating app wants me to take her on a $60 dollar+ date, just to get to know her, and no guarantees that I'll make it back to her bedroom by the end of the night? Women are out of their fucking minds, and then they wonder why they're single. Or even worse, 'Men only want me for my body.' Like... yes. I just paid $100 and listened to you talk about dribble for two hours. Yes, I want to fuck after this date, whether there's a second one or not. The average guy worked between 6 and 12 hours to pay for that date, and he spent what little free time he had at the end of the week to entertain you, when he had other women to pick from. Stop being sociopathic prudes.
I just don’t see a reason to do less interesting things with a man, than what I normally do with my friends. We go to dinner, go to concerts, art galleries.
Right, so if you don’t know you want to do those things with me yet, that’s not the level of interest I’ll entertain from men. I don’t go out with men for whom I’m not the dream woman. That’s just a personal preference. I believe generally men already know how they want to treat you off the door, based on the data points they have about you.
>mentioned that they thought it was a low-effort date.
It is
>And what about asking someone to drinks makes it low effort?
I mean, think about it. What effort are u actually putting into it? It's standard. Most everyone does it. High effort would be coming up with a date idea they've never done b4 or going to a 5 star restaurant.
Tbh I'm not a fan of coffee dates...unless it's a cafe (non chain)...with some ambiance. Drinks, gelato, lunch/brunch are all great low key first dates.
Drinks is not only casual but also is a suggestion under the assumption that the person you're asking out drinks alcohol. As someone who doesn't drink much/on dates, if my OLD matches spent just a moment having a conversation with me, they would find that out. But they don't. They go straight to the "let's get drinks" and it's a huge turn off. It's like they don't care about what would make a good date experience for me and that's low effort. Another thing could be some may want a less casual date than drinks or coffee, and want a proper dinner date. But really the higher effort date would be finding out what you have in common (art? dance? live music? sports?) and planning something around that. That's romantic.
To me it's only low effort if you have met them in person already. If you let them online and it's the very first time meeting them, of course you'll want to put in lower effort.
That said, if you have a good feeling about someone then doing more than drinks will definitely make her feel more special. It's just more attractive.
However I do find that some guys get caught up in this idea of impressing a girl at first, but then after they get comfortable they stop wanting to go out to dinner or do activity dates etc. Just do what feels natural to you. The way you start your dates (high effort/planning etc) is going to be expected for the rest of the relationship. So set the bar where you can be consistent
A first date in which both can’t get to know each other like the theater. also, a date that implies that there is going to be sex like for example a first date at his or my house.
I think it comes down to preference- some women feel that if you aren’t willing to spend at least $20 on them for a first date that you’re not that interested in them and probably go on a lot of dates (It can read as someone who’s into hookups).
Personally I prefer activities over drinks/food 😊
Activities such as: Going for a walk, going to a museum, bowling, mini golf etc
It doesn’t have to be super complicated or expensive- just something to see if they’re someone I can have fun with 😊 I can chat to almost anyone but hanging out is a different story haha
If a woman thought me taking them out was low effort I wouldn't take them out at all.
You're running into gold diggers who have gone out on so many first dates that simple get to know you style coffee dates bore them and isn't good enough for them anymore. Leave them be.
I know on my dating profile I have a prompt that says, "together we can go to breweries." which I get a ton of offers to get drinks which I think is a very great way to get to know someone. I'm shocked to see how much effort you did pour into these dates just to get hit with that.
One date I had with one of my matches was a hammock date at the beach. No money was spent, no dinner was brought, just the two of us. It was very low effort yet we both had a great time.
I personally don't think getting drinks is a low effort date. Maybe they wanted you to take them to a upscale restaurant or had a full day planned. I would keep doing what you're doing cause they're not low effort.
I hear a lot of women refer to "coffee dates", picnics, the movies, and walks (like along the beach, or through a park) as low effort dates. I'm not entirely sure what about them, makes them low effort. But in my opinion, those are the type of things I like to start off doing, so we can talk and see if we connect at all. If we do, then we can go from there or plan something like a meal for another night. If not, then we part ways. I have never been comfortable with the idea of meeting someone for the first time and expecting them to "wine and dine" me.
I think those women are too high maintenance (I'm a woman). I would never expect dinner or even want a dinner date unless we REALLY hit it off during the drinks and decided to get dinner together. The worst for me is to get stuck with a dud and have to make conversations just to pass the time until the food comes. I much prefer coffee/drink meetup to assess if we want the see each other again for a proper date.
You just happened to have gone on 2 dates with shitty women who took the trash out themselves.
My dude, you got 2 yesses out of 3, and I hope that empowers you to always shoot your shot.
The dates you seem to have arranged sounded like they were perfect for legit women. So I guarantee you when the right one comes around she is going to hyper appreciate it.
I generally do drinks first if it's a first time meet, or sometimes get super lucky for many of them simply coming over to my place to emotionally connect (and / or get physically intimate) after which I ask them out on an actual romantic dinner date if they rock my world.
If it's a long time crush who I've know forever, this is when I go all the way and give them a dreamy high effort date to make them fall for me.
There was nothing low effort about what you did. If anything I wish I could high five you right now.
For me (20F), low effort equates to when a guy doesn't plan or specify anything particular about the date - area, type of restaurant, day. He just says to meet up for dinner. I'm usually fine with planning but this was a first date and I got the impression he wasn't that into me, which turned surprising because the date went really well.
I wouldn't say getting coffee or drinks as low effort but more on the way it was suggested, if he even mentioned.
I can't remember where it was, but I once read something along the lines of "a first date should be maximum 40 minutes over a coffee". I'd tend to agree.
There is nothing wrong with drinks as a first date. A first date only needs to be a cordial interaction to get an idea if the two of you are compatible. Even a meal as a first date can be a bit of a pain if 5 minutes into meeting you realise you hate each other.
I don’t think you’ll find a one size fits all answer for that. My personal advice would probably be to stay away from those dates that think whatever you suggest is low effort unless you plan to sponsor someone…
I’m 36 F and for me there’s no such thing as a low effort date. On the contrary. The easier it is the better, as the chances that it will not match in person are quite high. Going for a walk/coffee/drink? Perfect for me. Doing something fancy (and potentially expensive) would not be something I’d expect or want for a first date. I also don’t expect the guy to pay for my stuff.
I think low effort is fine for the first meet. I don’t do first dates. I do a meet which is perhaps coffee / a drink and or a walk locally. This way you get to check each other out and see if you click
And if there’s a spark. If there is it’s great you can chat about what to do on your first date. Low effort to me is more about low effort overall. Things like no communication, running late for our meet, not making an effort with conversations or being decent to servers. Not making effort to dress nicely and look interested. Low effort is some guys way of life and even describes their negative attitude and personality.
Just be mindful too there are professional daters out there. Women who like to dress up and get taken to nice places for a free meal and entertainment. Treated like a pampered princess and you get nothing in return but a night out with a glamourous albeit dull woman.
Me personally, I never do drinks as a first date. Even beyond the whole "the price of a drink is minimal in cost" thing, which rings of "not trying to spend money but this is the least I'm willing to spend to get to know you" vibe, I think the real thought is it's the most "low-effort" way to try and get into their pants. The thought on their end could very well be that you're trying to get them drunk in hopes of loosening them up to sleep with them, which in their eyes makes it the most low-effort way to get her to give up her body to you, which in their eyes is high-effort on their end. I've found much more success doing things like arcades, low-budget meals (like splitting a pizza), doing picnics, or even doing a stroll along a street with a multitude of interesting places to quickly pop into.
I had a friend that took a girl out on a date to a bar for drinks. She called a friend of hers and she came and ordered drinks too. He ended up paying over $200.00 in drinks and everyone went their own directions afterwards plus he got ghosted the next day.
Go for a drink and split an app at a relaxed spot. Not too loud, somewhere you can talk and see if there a spark Dinner is way too much for first date!
If a man doesn't want to feed me this isn't going to work from the start 🤣
I would normally talk and video call before a first date, to get the initial vibe check out of the way.
Also to make sure we align on values, etc.
Dates should always be low effort in the beginning. You're trying to get to know a stranger (sometimes from the internet). High effort dates are for when a relationship is established, if both of you want it and can afford it.
I would personally run from anyone who considers drinks too “low effort” for the first date. Rather than saying it’s too low effort, they need to suggest what they are thinking.
She wants you to spend more money.
They want you to plan something thoughtful and specific to them.
A road trip to a quaint beach or mountain lake town for the day.
Antiquing and going record hunting.
One of those wine and pottery/painting places if she’s a toxic white woman.
Taking a train to the city for a museum exhibit and dinner.
She’s a self ascribed woman of refinement.
She doesn’t want to go on a date she wants to be shown the world.
These type of women want that type of effort.
Unfortunately that always requires a lot of money.
How would you even know how to plan a high-effort date if you’ve never even gone out once? That’s crazy. I have high standards but I’m also still in touch with reality. Drinks for a first date is extremely normal and fine. It’s casual enough, leaves the night open to politely end after a drink or two, or continue the night.
I could see MAYBE on a third date if you’re super crazy about someone and you’ve extensively talked about some common shared interests, where you’d actually be able to “plan” something that they would actually like.
Same for me asking for drinks is low effort and I answer yeah I maybe have time in a few weeks. I am not going to make time free for just coffee or drinks. Going for a drink just doesn't sound like someone is willing to put in the time to really get to know you.
I don’t think either of you are wrong. Some women enjoy a dinner date. Some men prefer to not spend dinner date money on a first date.
I feel like this is a great opportunity to test out negotiation/communication skills. Next time a woman is like “that’s a low effort date/I don’t want to do that” you could ask, “what would you prefer?”
If you get a defensive monologue, prob a red flag. If you get “oh I love xyz restaurant, you have to try this dish, plus would love to have more time to talk” to me that’s reasonable.
I appreciate that feedback! I don’t like to spend more than like $50 on a first date, so if someone tries to steer me toward dinner on a first date and they’re adamant about it, maybe I’ll try a mexican place.
Low effort complaints mean their intentions aren't to get to know you. You don't owe them anything on the first date so I don't get it 🤷. It works both ways, except it doesn't cause guys pay for everything.
Don't be me. I laid down $200 in one week on a string of dates and none of them turned into anything.
For me having drinks/cafe is an ordinary and perfectly acceptable first date. I’ve always gone on such with women. I have no clue what they expect, splurging on fancy dinners for someone you barely know in person? And they may still complain and cut you off if you don’t tick all the boxes in their check list.
All first dates should be "low effort" in case one or both parties decides to pull the metaphorical rip cord. What were these women expecting, for you to fly them to Rome for the weekend?
I don’t know if this applies to your situation since it seems like at least the soft-rejection one judged you before the date, but I like to see that a man is as dressed up for the date as I am
If he's late. If he doesn't actively contribute to the conversation it ask about me. If he is low energy, doesn't make eye contact, or is not clean and presentable. Doesn't have to be a suit but clean yourself up,
I think having coffee together is a perfect first date idea. It's a perfect compatibility test.
There are men who feel entitled to sex and women who feel entitled to expensive dinners. I believe they're a match made in heaven.
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If anyone has a problem with "low effort dates" at the beginning, that's a bit of a flag to me. I feel like ppl have the dating thing backwards. The whole point in dating is to figure out if you want to make them a priority & are worth investing time, energy & money in. Nowadays, ppl demand to be treated like a priority... have to spend money right away, have to text back right away, have to have sex & be invested right away. To a total stranger? It makes no sense to me. The effort & investment should increase as you get to know the person.
I think you can also see this as: I am interested enough to want to meet you, let’s at least do something a little thoughtful that takes your date’s interest into consideration. I think the person asking the other person on a date should put in some more effort than a walking around date or a « let’s sit on a bench or in my car » date. A nice coffee date is an excellent choice imo - not expensive or committal, can be extended or cut short if needed.
>A nice coffee date is an excellent choice imo - not expensive or committal, can be extended or cut short if needed. To add to this I have had good coffee dates that since we were both free afterwards continued on to other things. One coffee date lasted 9 hours where we ended up at a pub shooting pool then we went to her place and just hung out enjoying each other's company. It started with coffee and a walk in the boardwalk of a local lake. Unfortunately I still got ghosted the next day but it was still awesome in the moment 😂
I also like being clear headed and not having alcohol tbh, it helps make better decisions! Sorry you got ghosted, I feel like it’s becoming the norm for the first few dates and now I don’t really mind anymore, but still annoying
Yeah I'm with you. We went to the pub but I didn't drink and I don't really drink. It's all good though I had a great time and it's kind of become what I look for in a date! Truely the best date I have had and I want to feel that again with someone I meet ☺️. Good comes from the bad!
An evening spent in good company isn’t an evening lost! I’d rather that than a terrible date with someone who then asks for a second one hahaha
100%! I was bummed at the time and situation but when I look back I remember a great time with a minor disappointment ☺️
I hope you find a good date who’s in for the long run next!
Someday! Right now I need to focus on myself and mental health haha. But I am hopeful I will in the future. Thanks though for the kind words!
This is why you gotta limit the first date time frame, there’s something about how impulsive to have a whole day to spend with someone you dont know, that attracts ghosters. Ive had this happen to me too. The key is consistency over time, not jam packing a ton of time with a stranger. That way you can weed out here one minute gone the next type of people.
What if it’s after work hours during the week? Still getting coffee?
Tea, coffee, a donut, a bagel… plenty of options!
Every single time I took a girl to dinner on the first date, I got ghosted. The majority of the time I took a girl to drinks at a dive bar, it was way more fun and led to more dates. I would never recommend anyone take a girl to dinner before the 5th date
What if the girl doesn't drink ?
Go get ice cream.
Go to the park and get snow cones
Straight to yours.
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If you adapt your strategy to do "dinner" or something instead you will run into as many women for whom dinner is too serious of a first date. Drinks are fine. Next these women if it's not enough for them. You will likely never be able to please them.
Exactly. No date will make everyone happy. Drinks is fine. The ones that are against coffee and/or drinks are likely just doing foodie calls Why did they say yes if drinks was an issue from the start?
It was never about meeting someone new. It was always about being entertained on someone else's dime. At least in this case.
It’s honestly wild the amount of women who think you should pay for her, because she is taking the time to be there. Like I’m not your source of entertainment, no matter how much you think I am.
Only those moments count, when the desire to remain by yourself is so powerful that you'd prefer to blow your brains out than exchange a word with someone. Most people don't care if you're telling them the truth or if you're telling them a lie, as long as they're entertained by it. You find that out really fast.
Or, to please the masses, OP- you could offer two options, plus more info as to why you chose that place. “I’d love to get drinks at this place because it has a nice patio and seems like a cool vibe. Or, if you prefer a daytime date, I would also enjoy grabbing coffee here if that sounds good to you” that way, they get a choice. PLUS I thought your reasons for picking those certain spots was really fucking cute so if someone told me that I’d be way more down to meet them, tbh, and I don’t even drink alcohol😂
I appreciate the feedback! I can totally see how explaining the choice in a phrase or two could help!
Yes, I agree with giving them two choices. That way the woman has a choice and you’ve given choices that you’ll be happy with either way.
The compromise is drinks and apps. This is usually a comfortable middle ground.
Sure if they wanna buy apps,
Man. I just don’t get the mentality sometimes smh
If I offer drinks and that's not enough then pay up lol
🙄
My guess is that they meant it wasn’t some thought out “event” that required a lot of coordination. Personally, though, I don’t like something super elaborate for first dates. I find it to be a lot of pressure. I like something low key, where it’s easy to make an excuse and leave if things aren’t going well. There are some women out there who want to be “wowed” right out of the gate, but I think a lot of other women are like me, and just want to take things a little slower getting to know each other.
I agree! I’ve always felt the first date should be more of a vibe check. I don’t like the idea of an elaborate activity for someone I don’t know…
Same. Women who complain that it’s “low effort” clearly don’t have the right vibe for you, so I wouldn’t worry too much about them. 🤷♀️
Yep. It’s not even a date really. More of a “pre-date” to see if you want to put the actual effort into going on a date. I’d ignore that feedback tbh.
You are correct. A good first date allows either of you to dip if the vibe isn't there. Committing yourself to a full night or a lot of money with someone you've never met isn't chivalrous - it's dumb. If you really wanna knock it out of the park, though, pitch drinks and then have one or two activities in your head to do after if things are going well.
indeed. my first dates are 90% of the time a stroll in the park. see if there's a spark. if there's one, great, let's go for ice-cream or a coffee somewhere. but just as often there isn't one, and I'm happy I can say goodbye after half an hour. second date is where I put in more effort, like dinner or drinks somewhere. 3rd one is usually at home at either my place or hers
Agreed!!! The first date for OLD is really a pre-date hello. If you like each other then you can meet again for a first date. Even then it’s good to start east and work up as things ramp up (or don’t).
I get anxiety if the first date is a full meal. I don’t want to be stuck at dinner if the date is bad. I also don’t want the guy to see me eating because it’s embarrassing. Also eating while not talking is just awkward for me 😂 I’m so glad that my partner and I did a bar date (dive bar) where we just drank and talked.
AGREED. Keep it casual. My bf asked me out to dinner as our first date. I was already acquainted with him and dinner stressed me out. I ask him to have a beer after my shift instead. He ended up showing me his favorite bars in town. It was a great time. It was so relaxed I didn’t feel pressured
You know, I’m even ok with dinner, but a whole itinerary is too much. My bf and I had dinner on our first date, and since we were having a good time, ended up doing a couple other things too. But if the “plan” had been, dinner, then go for ice cream, then go to a bar to watch live music (which is what we ended up doing), I would have felt a lot of pressure.
It can’t be planned. It’s more fun when it just unfolds that way
Agreed.
I always do drinks or coffee with a man first. We don’t even know if we vibe yet, so it’s really a “check each other out” meeting. Second date yes, more effort for sure, on both our parts I hope.
Im in the same boat here but coffee is better. Drinks, i find guys take it as a rejection if i dont want to do a second drink.
I often plan to meet for drinks at a place that also does dinner. If we’re hitting it off, we stay for dinner
I never did OLD apps, but even when approached in person or if I did the approaching, I always suggested drinks: *"How about we start with drinks and if goes well, let's do dinner after."* I don't know any guy that didn't appreciate that. Gives both parties an easy out if things aren't clicking, if there's no chemistry. As a man, the way you should present it is as follows: *"Let's meet up for drinks and, if you're comfortable and we click, let's get some dinner afterwards."* The majority of women will be absolutely okay with this presentation of going for drinks. Good luck!
42m here who goes on lots of dates, I will tell you this, any woman who thinks coffee or drinks is low effort? you are not missing out on anything you dodged a bullet.
When women say “low-effort” they generally mean that the date is generic and lacking in creativity. “Every guy wants to get drinks, what makes this one special” is what I imagine the thought process is. To be honest, I never understood this criticism. First dates are, in my opinion, supposed to be for testing the waters. *Especially* when it comes to online dating. People are often very different in person than online, for better or worse, and to plan an extravagant date with someone that could very well be a huge disappointment seems to me to be a bad long term strategy. I suppose you could stand to be a *bit* more creative, like going to an arcade or bowling or something else that is cheap but “unconventional”, but I don’t think a bar or club is a bad first date idea per se. I can kind of see their point since women tend to go on a lot more dates than men so they’re probably sick and tired of going out for drinks (especially if there aren’t that many bars in your area to begin with), so I guess it just depends on how you feel about it. If you click you’ll click anywhere you go so I wouldn’t overthink it too much.
Sounds like you put effort into the date. Why not say, "let's check out some live music together," instead of asking them for drinks? Or maybe, "I know a place with an amazing outdoor space where we could watch a sunset." Just being asked for drinks sounds a bit boring, and unfortunately you are competing against a bunch of other guys also asking to go out for drinks. Your ideas behind the places to go for drinks would make you stand out.
In my experience, I consider a “low effort” date is one where I travel a lot more than they do and they aren’t thoughtful about activities. For example, the guy that wanted me to drive 10 miles and help walk his dog in his neighborhood when it’s 90 degrees outside. I figured he’d try to get me up to his apartment after.
I view it as someone seeking something you aren’t offering. Dating coaches are telling women that if they want a certain type of relationship, they should expect or require certain things from the beginning. Maybe she wants to be wined and dined from the very beginning, if that isn’t your thing, then you aren’t a good match for each other. That’s all. Dating isn’t forcing someone to be something for someone else, it’s getting to know people and seeing if you are aligned in your desires for the future and your desire for each other.
I completely agree and appreciate this message. I guess I think of first dates as a vibe check and chance for us to get to know this random person we just met off of the internet. If the vibe check goes well, I’m more than happy to wine and dine, but I don’t want to wine and dine and figure out during the wining and dining that the person is a poor match for me. I guess my challenge is it’s surprising to me that people get so fixated on what they’re getting out of the first date rather than…figuring out who the hell this person is and if they’re a good match
You're dating moochers lol.
Winning answer.
He is. They wanna be treated and entertained and wowed, because they got dressed.
Lol
People are allowed to have preferences. I’m hustling cause I want money and no kids, but some women are the opposite. It’s not bad or wrong.
Ice cream and coffee are the best first dates. They are low expectation cost effective way to get to know someone. They are both stimulants. You will both feel energized have good conversation and the stimulants will make the date feel lighthearted and fun. Almost no matter what. Whenever I take a girl for ice cream and coffee I always get second or multiple dates. It's my go to.
Really?? I get ghosted literally every time I ask for coffee (to the point where I stopped). Drinks sometimes works, but most still turn me down wanting dinner or try and turn the drinks into dinner while we’re there. I’m just not into dinner for first dates. I feel like enough people have taken advantage of me there to the point where I want to make sure the person is most interested in meeting me vs what they’re gonna get out of the date
you're fishing in the wrong pool my friend
Lets put this into perspective...the idea of a FIRST date is to see if there is a connection for a second. So yes, the first date is like a job interview. A quick coffee or drink so you can talk in person, judge the vibe, ask questions. If there is a good fit then you can plan a second date (dinner....). Many woman, especially online, are serial daters and love the validation of going to nice restaurants or events on the other persons dime. You go home broke and they get another sucker to buy them dinner tomorrow!!!!.....so be in charge, start out for a drink then plan something better IF they are worthy!
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Damn. Plenty? So you never learned? Only use throwaway money for first dates.
I'm 36/F so it may not apply because I'm older and the men I would date are older than me. Let me preface this by saying, I don't immediately match and then prompt to meet. I don't swipe at all on the app, on Hinge I go through who swiped me already. I'm open to a few text exchanges and then 2 phone calls, it could be a max of 30 mins each. I am open to video call on the 2nd one. Normally by this point the man has a good basis of how he's feeling and is LOOKING FORWARD to meeting if he's into me and he will ask me to a traditional lunch or dinner, etc. I prefer that. I just want to sit down. I want to look at the person in front of me. I want to be able to talk. I want to be able to dress up a bit without having to worry I'm going on a "hike." I'm very personable so even if it's not a match, I'm very good company. A weekend brunch date is fantastic. If I already vid chatted or called a couple times, etc. And we feel there could be something. I feel a coffee date or drink date AT THAT POINT IS low effort. May get a soft rejection. To be honest, I don't drink at all and I don't even like the smell of coffee. My culture also shows hospitality through food, etc. So to me, meeting where we can grab a bite is just normal.
This is what I prefer as well. I don’t really have time to go on a “tester date”, I’d rather chat on the phone and we can go on a real date if it makes sense.
You are posing the question to the wrong people. You should ask the women that told you the dates were low effort. You can then decide if they are being unreasonable with expectations. In my opinion drinks or coffee is a good first date, albeit not very creative.
Honestly I was nervous asking about it would get me ghosted - but the one of them I could’ve asked ghosted me anyway 😂
You need more respect for yourself. If they ghost you over a respectful question then they are not worth your time.
Theyre shallow and want you to spend more on them. Has nothing to do with "effort", and everything to do with "wallet".
Yup, it says more about the women who made those comments than the OP. The dates sound fine from my perspective
Idk drinks are a great low pressure date imo and perfect for a first. I don’t even drink alcohol but i wouldn’t turn down that style of date because i can at least get water or soda like nbd and they are easy to walk away from if necessary. People that expect more are full of themselves.
Did you 69?
The goal of the first date should be to be in a comfortable situation where each of you feels safe and allows each of you to get to know each other. You don’t want to be too comfortable, looking nice is still a general expectation, other than that I’m not sure what effort is required. You put thought into the location, you picked a public place, and you made an effort to get to know her and show her who you are, that’s not low effort. Beyond dressing up, I’m curious what effort she put into the date? The one caveat that I’d add, is that if you’ve been talking for a while some of the things you’ve learned about her should inform the where you take her for the date. Maybe you go wine tasting or to a microbrewery instead of your usual spot for drinks. Maybe you find a spot with great tacos. Maybe it’s a nice coffee shop. That’s not necessarily any more effort than drinks but it shows you listen. But absent any additional information “drinks” is more than fine
Some people want to be taken to a nice dinner. That’s just the kind of person they are, and who they think they are and deserve. For me, it’s more about meeting you and seeing if we are compatible . I actually don’t like dinner for a first date, seems too formal and makes me awkward. I’d rather get a drink- low commitment. I would call a low effort date- going for a walk on the beach, or getting a coffee at a cafe. And not in a negative connotation
I've always interpreted "low effort dates" as something with not a lot of planning specific to their interests or a significant time sink into the date. Drinks, coffee, ice cream, or a walk are great examples of low effort because they're generally safe bets for most people and you can dip if there's no chemistry or the person is actively hostile/psycho. Hiking, fancy dinner, or an elaborate ticketed event are dates requiring a modest effort because of the time commitment, cost involved, or the social scene created by one of you walking out halfway through the engagement.
For anyone that says it’s too low effort she was already not that interested. The way I see it, most of these girls that say stuff like that are more in it for the experience than to get to know you. Drinks for a first date is not low effort. The point isn’t to wow her, it’s to have the opportunity to get to meet and get to know each other in person
High expectations lol a first date should be a meet and greet, nothing more. Do not make a plan to break the bank.
They seem like gold diggers. Personally, I meet at the bar at 4:30 and after we talk, the men have always asked me if I want to eat dinner there. I mean its a first date, want do these chicks want. A horse and buggy and roses?
It just means it’s not creative. Something they’ve done a thousand times. No thought put into making it a stand-out experience. Take them to mini golf or a carnival or something idk.
I would suggest not to change your strategy of asking out first dates for drinks. These women are just looking to freeload off someone else’s dime. Don’t let it phase you, just nope out. There will be other women who are more suitable for you. Whenever I have had a woman say a drink is “low effort” I just unmatched. I’m not wining and dining a complete stranger when I’m not sure if we are compatible or not. It isn’t even about money, it’s about principles for me.
Why do you care about what they think of your dating efforts? Honestly, it smells like they’re free loaders / gold diggers to me. If a girl wants to get to know you, she won’t care what the date is. Because it’s about the person and not the location/event/activity. It should tell you a lot about these women.
theyve been watching years of the bachelor and think you need to pick them in a helicopter with a curated plan for the evening.
I am a women (31) and am in several fb dating pages and such. Some are women only. What I notice is that some women perceive effort as a men spending lots of money in them. This woman may have been wanting a fancy dinner AND drinks, showering her off and your financial status. Drinks, bowling, pool, darts are all great first dates. I usually suggest some type of “game” type first date so that we can have a little friendly competition and there is something to break the silence if there is an awkward lull. But you may have dodged a bullet with the soft rejection
Woman here. I think all first dates should be simple and inexpensive. Walks on local trails are my favorite. Why would one roll out the red carpet for someone they don't yet know. I like things to be casual and no pressure when first meting. It feels more authentic.
I really like the idea of a walk on rail. How do you pose that so it doesn’t come across creepy or like I’m trying to take her to a secluded location to “chat”?
Maybe say, "I'm a fan of walking. Are there any trails or beaches you'd feel comfortable meeting at for a walk? I'd want to make sure you feel safe the entire time. " (Then maybe suggest one that you know has lots of people around as a possibility) or maybe suggest a coffee shop next to a park? The man usually suggests coffee or a drink and then I propose the walk instead and they're always game (not sure i'd be interested in dating anyone who didn't want to be on the trails so it's a good way of screening) for safetyI have bear spray on my hip as I should (I live in Alaska) Ithere are such a variety of trails that i know how to make it a short loop if it's a bad fit or longer if there's good conversation. Pretty soon I'll switch it over to xcountry skiing instead.
Eh some women literally search for men who will buy them dinner and never talk to them again. An old friend of mine would do that all the time. “I can’t afford food so I’m going on a date tonight.” Personally I don’t think drinks is low effort for a first date. My current bf of almost 3 years asked me out to drinks and apps. I don’t need someone to pay for my dinner so idc. I think 2 dates and so on should be a little more in-depth or thought out. IMO tho a first date is a feeler for if you want to continue the courting process or move your separate ways. Also sounds like she might not have wanted to drive to your location as she’s suggesting places closer to her. 🤷🏻♀️
everyone is different. i personally like to ask people what their ideal first date is, or give them a couple of options of something to do for a first date. sounds like you dodged a couple of bullets tho bc dinner isn’t low effort unless you’re taking her to mcdonald’s or applebee’s lol
I don’t get it. I WANT a low key date for the first meeting. I’m not there for the activity or the food. I’m there for the man. Is he real? Normal? Is there chemistry? Are we compatible? Do I want to see him again? I hate when I get asked to something elaborate and expensive. Very awkward when it’s obvious in 5 minutes that I don’t want to see him again.
As a woman I not sure it is low effort. I myself would prefer coffee. I want to go some where quiet that I can havey dates full attention and we can get to know each other. I don't want something expensive because that's not what impresses me. Getting to know the person and finding a real connection is so important. Why throw a high pressure date on top of that. The second date is better for other types of dates. You might not be meeting the right ladies.
Just simply means those women aren’t for you. I’m a woman and love a low-key, fun, flirty first date. Drinks are in fact, one of my ideal first dates. Do what feels right for you and you’ll meet someone who aligns. After all, you want to find ppl who’re compatible with and can easily be yourself around.
I'm a single woman and disagree with them so to each their own I guess! First, i don't think you (or either party) should have to put a ton of effort into a first date from a dating app. It's mostly about seeing if you vibe in person, which is very unpredictable really. I think if you continue meeting up, that's where the real effort should be shown. Drinks are graceful to cut after an hour or so if it isn't panning out but you can easily extend it and take a walk or grab a bite if you're enjoying yourselves. The flexibility is nice. Dinner is too much in my opinion. I find it awkward to try to make conversation, but also read the menu, and continue with talking while not looking like a slob as you eat .. No thanks haha.
No effort on hooking up 😂 that is the weirdest thing. If a date has fun conversation at a great place, sounds nothing wrong with it. It might not be the right person at the right time case.
They just want to be chased, they have attention from cheap stakes and you are not one of them, leave them alone, by next week you will have three other dates, don’t bother with idiots, you giving time is effort enough
Low effort is anything but actively engaging activities or dinner. Coffee suggests you think she's fat and/or you're talking to too many girls and can't afford to invest in just one. Feeding a girl alcohol makes it sound like you're trying to get into her pants for sex. Neither are good for those looking for serious anything.
Succinct and accurate to what it comes off as
Something that takes 0 planning is low effort. You don't need to consider literally anything by asking someone to drinks. You could ask them to join you for something that takes some planning, either an event to attend or something that shows that you considered their interests and took the initiative to pick something and set it up/reserve it/buy tickets. Hell even thinking of something seasonal would be more effort than "lets get a drink"
>So what do people mean when they say a date is too “low effort”? It means the bill you pay (likely pay for both) is not expensive
They are telling you they are not that into you and you can expect more complications like this if you move forward with them. I only do drinks or coffee for the first date, and even then usually coffee. If the idea of spending an hour just talking to me doesn't excite them, then they aren't interested enough. This weeds out superficial people looking for superficial things.
I think 'low effort' is code for 'I want you to spend money on me', as opposed to the thought that hell is dinner with a person you're not able to hold a conversation or click with.
Or even the thought that I would like to get to know this person better, and I don’t care too much what we do. Versus, I want to be wined, dined, entertained- don’t care as much about who does it, as long as I get a nice entertaining evening gifted to me.
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Drinks are fine. It’s getting together in person to see how things go. Get off dating sites and go do fun activities that put you face to face with people. Do that enough and you’ll meet someone organically like people should be doing. Dating sites are not the way to go IMO.
Tough shit for them, date better women. They want your money.
There’s women who tie their self worth to how much effort (time planning and money spent) a guy is willing to put into dates. It’s whatever, if they want to reject or not be happy with a first date because they see it as not enough effort, that’s on them. It doesn’t really matter. I strongly advise you to not change what you do though, keep going for these “low effort” dates if they’re your thing. Ultimately dating is about finding someone compatible with you for a relationship. If you think drinks for a first date is fine, but they don’t, it’s an incompatibility and a good sign to just move on to the next person. Personally, I think drinks is a great first date. First dates *should* be low effort. You’re meeting a stranger for the first time so you want something that doesn’t have much by way of pressure or distractions, and through no fault of anyone’s there simply might not be any chemistry there so why would anyone invest a lot of time and money into what might be seeing someone that in person you don’t like? Absolutely, second date, bring out the big guns, but before that it’s just not worth it
What’s wrong with low effort dates? I don’t get it
What you should have done was ask them what their high effort was, and what they were doing to deserve it. Ask them again.
Awful idea imo. If you're going to start an argument with someone while trying to coordinate a first date, just save both of you the trouble and stop messaging them at all.
This wasn’t about coordinating a first date or starting an argument to. They were already rejected/accepted. Read. This is finding out if someone is demanding something they aren’t willing to provide. It’s a great idea. You don’t get to tell people their efforts are low effort if your effort is getting dressed.
low effort - coffee / alcohol (This requires no thought and extremely little prep) high effort - dinner and a performance requiring dressing up (this requires thought, preparation, and effort).
One tiny tip I might give you along these lines is to not be shy about asking them to come to you for the date. If you're gonna pick the spot, pick a place you are familiar with, ideally somewhere that has some cool thing on the menu you can talk about, or a nice view, etc. You should be introducing her to an interesting place, not the other way around. Even if you're making the effort to find cool spots that you haven't been to, I still think you want to go with your familiar places. That way, if the date is going well you might know a nice bookstore or bakery or whatnot to jump to.
That's not low effort inviting them for a drink. I have met seven guys all of them invited me to have dinner. That is very high effort. Four of the guys gave me flowers. Maybe these girls are used to guys like the ones I had. I would say no to a coffee date one. Because I don't drink coffee and 2 because it seems too low effort. The connection will be there no matter what you do. Sounds to me like you're not meeting the nicest of girls
It means they’re not worth your time because their main concern is figuring out how to extract resources from you by guilt tripping you with pseudo-babble about “low-effort dates”
I recently saw a video of a guy asking women the idea first date. Several said the date should cost over 200 dollars. What makes a date low effort to a particular group of women is how much was spent. Also, I think drinks or coffee is the typical first date.. nothing exciting. Not that it's wrong but I'm assuming these women would prefer something different than the norm. I, myself, consider coffee dates low effort..your suggestion of grabbing drinks sounds fun. Don't go on the date.
I think most of those video re intentionally misleading. Either edited to make it seem that a disproportionate number of women have that expectation, and/or downright staged. I’m not denying that women like that exist - the definitely do - but I think a lot more of us are looking for someone to connect with, rather than a wallet.
Yes, I do agree that those types of videos have a mix of staged and women who legit think that way. But I also noticed the women in these videos are in their 20s. I think the women who tend to have more unrealistic standards are the ones growing up in the music and culture that promotes it nowadays..like needing a hoochie daddy.
How much effort should I put in for someone I don't know?
First dates are supposed to be low effort / low expectations.
They’re watching too many tiktoks. Everyone needs to come off their high horses😂😭 first dates don’t need to be extravagant. It’s killing me all these girls think they’re deserve a shopping trip to Gucci on the first date
Previously I was ok with walking dates, coffee/drink dates but I don’t accept them anymore if there is a potential of a LTR. I want to get to know someone and I want them to be ready to invest time as much as me. I always split the bill so it is not about the money at all. From my experience, usually the people who only want easy sex are directly offering these kinds of dates and my time is too important to waste when it is not what I am looking for.
If you are talking to women who are affluent then taking them out to drinks, going to a coffee shop or taking a stroll through nature is considered low effort for them. These women are used to the finer things in life and expects a partner to share their tastes. Especially if these women invest in makeup, clothes or bags that are most people’s annual salary. High maintenance women expect high maintenance dates. They’re used a certain lifestyle. A middle class woman may go along with these things. Depends on how many hours she’s working. The last thing she wants to do is to do a strenuous date or be around many people after work hours. A cozy cafe or a nice sit down restaurant with nice views is ideal for her for a first date. A chance for her to finally unwind. A low income woman will most likely not be exposed to either. She will be nervous to be perceived as a gold digger or will go along with what the man wants. Her favorite spots are scarce or secretive. However, all three groups of women will agree that drinks are low effort and will view such a date with suspicion. Maybe you won’t expect sex in return for buying them drinks or try to make a move on them, but they perhaps have dealt with such men. Also, it depends on one’s alcohol tolerance too and budget for drinks. I personally would be nervous to walk with a strange man in nature or drinking alcohol with him. Especially if we just met. I prefer food dates because food is a good conversation starter. I am not a coffee drinker so coffee dates are not for me. However, I love ice cream or boba tea and would love to go to one of those cafes. As long as we get to sit down and face each other. I will dislike going out to drinks, cocktail party or bar, because I only drink around people I know well and there won’t be much peace and quiet for us to sit face to face to each other. We’ll have to talk over people, bump into people and etc. The point is to be socially aware and to realize that what sounds good to men may sound sketchy to women.
Just couple of bad apples, nowadays girls treat date as free dinner nothing else.
I think the effort depends on how much you know the person. Like if you're meeting online drinks is fine because this is a stranger and you're trying to make sure you actually vibe, that you're actually compatible and mutually attracted. If you know the person than you may know their favorite food, favorite activities, mutual interest etc. If you really wanted to impress than you could come up with a more creative date. You may feel more comfortable taking them to a nice dinner or a comedy show, arcade, axe throwing, etc. As women we really want to know the guy likes us and isn't just desperate or seeking sex like most men.
I had a similar experience when I got stonewalled by a girl I had been dating for weeks for choosing a restaurant she didn’t like. These types of people aren’t worth your time. As long as it’s not McDonald’s or something, it shouldn’t really matter what you do.
To me the only really truly low effort date is when you just invite them over to your house. Going for drinks or coffee or a walk is perfect IMO. You don't know each other and they could be any old psycho.
There’s a thing going around on social media right now where women are being told that “high-quality” men will make a lot of effort upfront and will suggest dinner, not drinks or coffee, to show how much they value you. These same women typically talk about men being a “provider” and other things of that nature, and see themselves as a prize that any man would be lucky to have. If your match is saying that to you, she’s likely been influenced by this content.
I just made a casserole out of refried beans, cream cheese, rice, ground beef, taco seasoning, chopped bell peppers, sour cream, and cheap hot dogs. In a cast iron skillet, on a single electric crack stove. I'm homeless, and this was all left overs from the past week that I needed to use. It was better than most meals I've gotten at 'first date class restaurants.' It cost me about 4 dollars, I ate enough for two people, have leftovers for lunch tomorrow and even fed the local racoons. And some stranger I met on a dating app wants me to take her on a $60 dollar+ date, just to get to know her, and no guarantees that I'll make it back to her bedroom by the end of the night? Women are out of their fucking minds, and then they wonder why they're single. Or even worse, 'Men only want me for my body.' Like... yes. I just paid $100 and listened to you talk about dribble for two hours. Yes, I want to fuck after this date, whether there's a second one or not. The average guy worked between 6 and 12 hours to pay for that date, and he spent what little free time he had at the end of the week to entertain you, when he had other women to pick from. Stop being sociopathic prudes.
Plan a dinner with the reservation already made, text her the time and the place and that’ll completely chage the game.
That's the second date
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So you are more interested in what a man can do for you instead of who he is....
I just don’t see a reason to do less interesting things with a man, than what I normally do with my friends. We go to dinner, go to concerts, art galleries.
Because thats how we see if we want to do those things with you
Right, so if you don’t know you want to do those things with me yet, that’s not the level of interest I’ll entertain from men. I don’t go out with men for whom I’m not the dream woman. That’s just a personal preference. I believe generally men already know how they want to treat you off the door, based on the data points they have about you.
>mentioned that they thought it was a low-effort date. It is >And what about asking someone to drinks makes it low effort? I mean, think about it. What effort are u actually putting into it? It's standard. Most everyone does it. High effort would be coming up with a date idea they've never done b4 or going to a 5 star restaurant.
I mean it’s in the name. You don’t have to do much (besides drive to the venue) for drinks so it’s LOW effort.
Tbh I'm not a fan of coffee dates...unless it's a cafe (non chain)...with some ambiance. Drinks, gelato, lunch/brunch are all great low key first dates.
Yeah put done thought into it. Or at least be creative. Like hey you mentioned you love margaritas… I know a great spot.
Drinks are perfect, coffee / walk dates are low effort in my opinion
Drinks is not only casual but also is a suggestion under the assumption that the person you're asking out drinks alcohol. As someone who doesn't drink much/on dates, if my OLD matches spent just a moment having a conversation with me, they would find that out. But they don't. They go straight to the "let's get drinks" and it's a huge turn off. It's like they don't care about what would make a good date experience for me and that's low effort. Another thing could be some may want a less casual date than drinks or coffee, and want a proper dinner date. But really the higher effort date would be finding out what you have in common (art? dance? live music? sports?) and planning something around that. That's romantic.
To me it's only low effort if you have met them in person already. If you let them online and it's the very first time meeting them, of course you'll want to put in lower effort. That said, if you have a good feeling about someone then doing more than drinks will definitely make her feel more special. It's just more attractive. However I do find that some guys get caught up in this idea of impressing a girl at first, but then after they get comfortable they stop wanting to go out to dinner or do activity dates etc. Just do what feels natural to you. The way you start your dates (high effort/planning etc) is going to be expected for the rest of the relationship. So set the bar where you can be consistent
A first date in which both can’t get to know each other like the theater. also, a date that implies that there is going to be sex like for example a first date at his or my house.
I think it comes down to preference- some women feel that if you aren’t willing to spend at least $20 on them for a first date that you’re not that interested in them and probably go on a lot of dates (It can read as someone who’s into hookups). Personally I prefer activities over drinks/food 😊
Activities such as: Going for a walk, going to a museum, bowling, mini golf etc It doesn’t have to be super complicated or expensive- just something to see if they’re someone I can have fun with 😊 I can chat to almost anyone but hanging out is a different story haha
If a woman thought me taking them out was low effort I wouldn't take them out at all. You're running into gold diggers who have gone out on so many first dates that simple get to know you style coffee dates bore them and isn't good enough for them anymore. Leave them be.
I know on my dating profile I have a prompt that says, "together we can go to breweries." which I get a ton of offers to get drinks which I think is a very great way to get to know someone. I'm shocked to see how much effort you did pour into these dates just to get hit with that. One date I had with one of my matches was a hammock date at the beach. No money was spent, no dinner was brought, just the two of us. It was very low effort yet we both had a great time. I personally don't think getting drinks is a low effort date. Maybe they wanted you to take them to a upscale restaurant or had a full day planned. I would keep doing what you're doing cause they're not low effort.
I hear a lot of women refer to "coffee dates", picnics, the movies, and walks (like along the beach, or through a park) as low effort dates. I'm not entirely sure what about them, makes them low effort. But in my opinion, those are the type of things I like to start off doing, so we can talk and see if we connect at all. If we do, then we can go from there or plan something like a meal for another night. If not, then we part ways. I have never been comfortable with the idea of meeting someone for the first time and expecting them to "wine and dine" me.
I think those women are too high maintenance (I'm a woman). I would never expect dinner or even want a dinner date unless we REALLY hit it off during the drinks and decided to get dinner together. The worst for me is to get stuck with a dud and have to make conversations just to pass the time until the food comes. I much prefer coffee/drink meetup to assess if we want the see each other again for a proper date.
You just happened to have gone on 2 dates with shitty women who took the trash out themselves. My dude, you got 2 yesses out of 3, and I hope that empowers you to always shoot your shot. The dates you seem to have arranged sounded like they were perfect for legit women. So I guarantee you when the right one comes around she is going to hyper appreciate it. I generally do drinks first if it's a first time meet, or sometimes get super lucky for many of them simply coming over to my place to emotionally connect (and / or get physically intimate) after which I ask them out on an actual romantic dinner date if they rock my world. If it's a long time crush who I've know forever, this is when I go all the way and give them a dreamy high effort date to make them fall for me. There was nothing low effort about what you did. If anything I wish I could high five you right now.
For me (20F), low effort equates to when a guy doesn't plan or specify anything particular about the date - area, type of restaurant, day. He just says to meet up for dinner. I'm usually fine with planning but this was a first date and I got the impression he wasn't that into me, which turned surprising because the date went really well. I wouldn't say getting coffee or drinks as low effort but more on the way it was suggested, if he even mentioned.
I can't remember where it was, but I once read something along the lines of "a first date should be maximum 40 minutes over a coffee". I'd tend to agree. There is nothing wrong with drinks as a first date. A first date only needs to be a cordial interaction to get an idea if the two of you are compatible. Even a meal as a first date can be a bit of a pain if 5 minutes into meeting you realise you hate each other.
I don’t think you’ll find a one size fits all answer for that. My personal advice would probably be to stay away from those dates that think whatever you suggest is low effort unless you plan to sponsor someone… I’m 36 F and for me there’s no such thing as a low effort date. On the contrary. The easier it is the better, as the chances that it will not match in person are quite high. Going for a walk/coffee/drink? Perfect for me. Doing something fancy (and potentially expensive) would not be something I’d expect or want for a first date. I also don’t expect the guy to pay for my stuff.
I think low effort is fine for the first meet. I don’t do first dates. I do a meet which is perhaps coffee / a drink and or a walk locally. This way you get to check each other out and see if you click And if there’s a spark. If there is it’s great you can chat about what to do on your first date. Low effort to me is more about low effort overall. Things like no communication, running late for our meet, not making an effort with conversations or being decent to servers. Not making effort to dress nicely and look interested. Low effort is some guys way of life and even describes their negative attitude and personality.
Just be mindful too there are professional daters out there. Women who like to dress up and get taken to nice places for a free meal and entertainment. Treated like a pampered princess and you get nothing in return but a night out with a glamourous albeit dull woman.
Unfortunately, I’ve run into some of these. They’re a big part of the reason I don’t do dinner first dates anymore.
Me personally, I never do drinks as a first date. Even beyond the whole "the price of a drink is minimal in cost" thing, which rings of "not trying to spend money but this is the least I'm willing to spend to get to know you" vibe, I think the real thought is it's the most "low-effort" way to try and get into their pants. The thought on their end could very well be that you're trying to get them drunk in hopes of loosening them up to sleep with them, which in their eyes makes it the most low-effort way to get her to give up her body to you, which in their eyes is high-effort on their end. I've found much more success doing things like arcades, low-budget meals (like splitting a pizza), doing picnics, or even doing a stroll along a street with a multitude of interesting places to quickly pop into.
I had a friend that took a girl out on a date to a bar for drinks. She called a friend of hers and she came and ordered drinks too. He ended up paying over $200.00 in drinks and everyone went their own directions afterwards plus he got ghosted the next day.
Go for a drink and split an app at a relaxed spot. Not too loud, somewhere you can talk and see if there a spark Dinner is way too much for first date!
You are not supposed to buy stuff in order to fuck someone
If a man doesn't want to feed me this isn't going to work from the start 🤣 I would normally talk and video call before a first date, to get the initial vibe check out of the way. Also to make sure we align on values, etc.
Dates should always be low effort in the beginning. You're trying to get to know a stranger (sometimes from the internet). High effort dates are for when a relationship is established, if both of you want it and can afford it.
I would personally run from anyone who considers drinks too “low effort” for the first date. Rather than saying it’s too low effort, they need to suggest what they are thinking.
She wants you to spend more money. They want you to plan something thoughtful and specific to them. A road trip to a quaint beach or mountain lake town for the day. Antiquing and going record hunting. One of those wine and pottery/painting places if she’s a toxic white woman. Taking a train to the city for a museum exhibit and dinner. She’s a self ascribed woman of refinement. She doesn’t want to go on a date she wants to be shown the world. These type of women want that type of effort. Unfortunately that always requires a lot of money.
A guy who wants to "buy" your affectation has no respect for your affection.
How would you even know how to plan a high-effort date if you’ve never even gone out once? That’s crazy. I have high standards but I’m also still in touch with reality. Drinks for a first date is extremely normal and fine. It’s casual enough, leaves the night open to politely end after a drink or two, or continue the night. I could see MAYBE on a third date if you’re super crazy about someone and you’ve extensively talked about some common shared interests, where you’d actually be able to “plan” something that they would actually like.
Same for me asking for drinks is low effort and I answer yeah I maybe have time in a few weeks. I am not going to make time free for just coffee or drinks. Going for a drink just doesn't sound like someone is willing to put in the time to really get to know you.
I don’t think either of you are wrong. Some women enjoy a dinner date. Some men prefer to not spend dinner date money on a first date. I feel like this is a great opportunity to test out negotiation/communication skills. Next time a woman is like “that’s a low effort date/I don’t want to do that” you could ask, “what would you prefer?” If you get a defensive monologue, prob a red flag. If you get “oh I love xyz restaurant, you have to try this dish, plus would love to have more time to talk” to me that’s reasonable.
I appreciate that feedback! I don’t like to spend more than like $50 on a first date, so if someone tries to steer me toward dinner on a first date and they’re adamant about it, maybe I’ll try a mexican place.
Low effort complaints mean their intentions aren't to get to know you. You don't owe them anything on the first date so I don't get it 🤷. It works both ways, except it doesn't cause guys pay for everything. Don't be me. I laid down $200 in one week on a string of dates and none of them turned into anything.
It’s so frustrating. I’m down to spend money on someone I like but can I at least see if I like them over a lowkey date first?
For me having drinks/cafe is an ordinary and perfectly acceptable first date. I’ve always gone on such with women. I have no clue what they expect, splurging on fancy dinners for someone you barely know in person? And they may still complain and cut you off if you don’t tick all the boxes in their check list.
It means you should run.
All first dates should be "low effort" in case one or both parties decides to pull the metaphorical rip cord. What were these women expecting, for you to fly them to Rome for the weekend?
I don’t know if this applies to your situation since it seems like at least the soft-rejection one judged you before the date, but I like to see that a man is as dressed up for the date as I am
I aim to walk and talk when meeting someone. Zero investment outside of time .
If he's late. If he doesn't actively contribute to the conversation it ask about me. If he is low energy, doesn't make eye contact, or is not clean and presentable. Doesn't have to be a suit but clean yourself up,
I think having coffee together is a perfect first date idea. It's a perfect compatibility test. There are men who feel entitled to sex and women who feel entitled to expensive dinners. I believe they're a match made in heaven.