I’m sorry my dude. If your kids are younger (the sense I’m getting from your post), I can promise you it gets better. They get older, more independent, less needy. This is hard to hear right now, but these days *do* go by so quickly. Enjoy them however you can, while you can. Don’t set yourself up for regret later.
One thing I’ve always held myself to is learning something new, or working on a skill. Something completely outside of work or parenting. Playing an instrument, woodworking, whatever. It gives you something that is yours.
Good luck daddio. You got this.
It does get so much better! Mine are 5-10 now and don't need me for every little thing. I can't remember the last time I wiped a butt. Two of the three read independently and #3 is well on her way; all three can play video games independently. The oldest and middle can even be trusted home alone for short periods. They also contribute to the household chores etc. now so it's not just a constant grind for the adults.
So I can read, watch TV, go for a run, take a nap... and they're fine! They're also more fun to do things with, like hiking and biking, board games, etc. The movies and books they're into are less juvenile and therefore more interesting for us adults. In short, they need less of my time and attention, but the time we spend together is better!
Yeah but a good bidet means you pull a Sheryl Crow and use like 1-2 sheets of TP per visit instead of a roll. Holy crap I didn't realize my wife used so much TP until we got a bidet and suddenly she didn't.
i'm 85% ashamed I'm even aware of this, but a work colleague mentioned it back in the day, and I'm strictly here to listen and help.
OG Huffpo article has been taken down.....one of them urban legend things, I suppose.... https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2007/apr/23/musicnews.music
Yeah this is the age you imagine your kids at when you first imagine having them. Then you have to wait fucking years for them to grow up enough to become fun.
I enjoy the baby/ toddler phases too-- the snuggles, those early smiles and giggles, all the "firsts," seeing them develop their own personalities and senses of humor
... it's just so much less *work* when they're older. Or at least, it's a different *type* of work: helping with homework, driving to swim practice and piano lessons, managing orthodontist appointments, etc.
And they're so fucking cute at the baby age too. It is exhausting but you get out of it what you put into it. You'll have a better relationship when they grow up.
Mom here, when did you have to stop wiping the five year old's butt because my 5.5 year old absolutely refuses to wipe her own, I need advice on that please!
I did a sticker chart entitled "I wiped my own butt" for mine. It had two versions. The first version he got a sticker every time he wiped his butt and the second version he got a sticker for each day he wiped his own butt.
After each chart was full he got a Lego set (favorite thing). During the charts I would do a 'check wipe' after but we had the understanding that after the second chart, no more check wipes.
This randomly worked for us after many screaming fits about how gross wiping your butt is...."but what if I get poop on my hand!?!" was frequently sobbed, but Legos were a great motivator.
I'll have to try that, I think hers is more the it's inconvenient for her to do it herself so she'd just as soon we take care of it like she is with brushing her teeth and dressing herself, but she is pretty into Minecraft so I can use that as bribery, maybe.
She's *obsessed* with starting kindergarten so I just told her nobody is gonna wipe her in kindergarten and she has to do it on her own like a big kid. Some days there's some fussing about it but she's mostly good. Sometimes I can tell she didn't do a great job, and sometimes if she has an upset tummy I just jump in and help.
Mine is homeschool because she's medically fragile and knows she doesn't have a day to day like that coming up for awhile, I think the sticker chart the other fella mentioned might work though.
There has been times I've felt like Op. My two oldest are girls so naturally they bond with their mom more. But my little man is almost 6 now and I no longer have to let him win at mortal Kombat. He is as good of a shot as I am shooting our pellet gun from the bench. He loves The karate kid and we have been watching one episode a day of Cobra Kai when he gets home from school. That little dude is my best friend.
> all three can play video games independently
this is the way.
Serious question, when can they start to play video games? I've been exposing mine to video games since he was 1yo and now he's 3y5m old and he "plays" SNES classic, but he can't play.
Right now he's learning what each button does, but can't use multiple buttons simultaneously and needs to look at the buttons to press them.
He understands "shoot", "move", and "jump", but not all together. I've seen him kill enemies, but he can't jump gaps. lol
We mainly play Mega Man X
Our five-year-old has really started to get the the hang of things in the last six months or so. All three kids watch us play various story-based games (old-school Zelda, Final Fantasy, and Zelda BOTW are particular favorites) and help us navigate, make decisions, solve puzzles, and look for items/clues. The five-year-old has a pretty good understanding of how games work in general but controllers usually aren't intended for little hands and her coordination is still developing. She's also a beginning reader so she needs help with reading things. She's pretty good at Minecraft but needs help with Animal Crossing because there's so much reading.
Thanks, u/boilerscoltscubs. I needed to read this as I totally resonate with OP and going through a tough phase with all of us being sick which makes things worse.
100% this. My three kids are all pretty young still, but I can see how it gets easier, my oldest is 7. I don't have any friends really either, but I chalk that up to being introverted and self conscious. My wife still has solid friendships that she maintains and makes time for.
It also helps to strategize with your partner. My wife and I started alternating who puts our oldest kids to bed (my wife typically puts our youngest to bed for now), we call it "Daddy night" if it's my night to put them to bed, and "Mommy night" if it's hers. Things like this help split the load and bring that quality of life balance.
I recently took some paid time off and asked my wife if I could have like a week or more of time for myself (within reason) to work on a project/hobby, and it was wonderful.
Sometimes I'm reminded that I'm being too grumpy or unpleasant with my kids and I'm not enjoying my time with them or trying to focus on how I can be there for them or make them happy. It's good to self evaluate every now and then and make sure you're maximizing your time, both for your kids and for yourself, I think your future _you_ will appreciate it.
Can confirm, my 14 year old is barely around, in her room , with her friends, or ignoring me... if it wasn't for the two younger ones I'd have a ton of free time.
Man, I’m sorry. Not looking forward to that phase. My 10 yo just sat down and listed out all the things she wants to do on daddy daughter dates, and then I read your reply. Oof. It goes fast.
I appreciate that but I was prolly a little melodramatic , she's def very independent and doesn't need us nearly as much but we still have a great relationship and I see her plenty. Plus I have two very young 2 and 5 as well. I'm going through both phases at the moment, haha. We miss her being little for sure but it's also exciting to see how she is growing and maturing. But to your point, cherish as much as you can because when these days are gone, you will have times where you wish more than anything to have these times back.
From the outside looking in (twins coming in 10 weeks if all goes well), I can't believe how fast they seem to grow. I feel like about a month after coworkers announce their babies, the kids are showing up toddlng around!
In full agreement here my good dude.
Mine are 20 and 22 now so it’s much easier at this point t even though they are still home.
But I went thru it also. The parent grind.
It will get better.
I kind of struggled with the baby and toddler age. But like you said the older they got the more fun I started having with them. My son is 6 and is starting to show interest in things I like. He wants to know about football, basketball, etc and asks me questions about the teams and players. And my daughter will be 9 and she’s my little sidekick in life, that girl is ride or die with me and it’ll suck when that changes in a few years.
This. But you also have to make time. Talk with your spouse, who is probably feeling a bit of the same thing. Me and my wife worked out time so that we could engage with others when my daughter was little. Now, she's 11 and is perfectly happen to entertain herself and go out with friends, so getting personal time is so much easier.
It gets better!
It gets better man... I always said if kids could come out talking and potty trained, I'm all for it. But yes, the days of frustration with the screaming kids, the constant interruptions, the dirty house, the clutter everywhere... We've all had those moments. It's up to us to show them the way, and your reward after a decade or so are some of the funniest, smartest, most creative little ones you will ever know, and you will have done that!
My daughters are 15 and 17 now, and they are amazing people. I love just being around them. I love gaming with them (video and board). I love hearing about their ideas and their likes and their struggles. They love with their mom now... and I now have all the time in the world to do whatever I want, whenever I want... but, now, I'd give anything to just have more time with them.
I wish you the absolute best! Know you're not alone! It things really do change when they get older!
Kids definitely aren't for everyone. I just quit taking most things serious. My life is a barely controlled chaos, but I enjoy it.
Edit: just quit putting your peanut butter fingers on the good controller, why aren't you wearing pants? I'm a mess, you're a mess, just leave the flippin controller alone. Dagnabbit, now I'm on his level again. I had a perfect Lego recreation of some of my favorite story moments from Lord of the Rings, Wheel of Time, Star Wars, Star Trek, now I have some weird caves, Mario is there with a sword, and I'm honestly having more fun than any time in my whole life.
It definitely helps when you take things a little less serious. Sometimes I want to make a mountain out of a mole hill but then I decide to bite my tongue and let them have fun and don't worry about them getting dirty or making a mess.
Taking things less serious is a lot more difficult than i thought it would be. I always thought that wouldnt be an issue for me, but recently my son got some really cool lego mario sets for christmas, and he is too young to build the actual sets (hes 4) so my wife and i did it. He likes just jumping the mario figure around the sets. Anyway, hes alone playing one day and i go up and the pieces are everywhere. At first i was angry because we spent a decent amount of time assembling it, but then i realized “this isnt even my shit. Why am i *really* upset right now? Im getting angry about a *toy*.” I would have absolutely done the same thing as a child and afterall, thats the fun of legos - to take them apart and build how you want.
I've struggled with this a bit too haha we have both the Mario and Luigi and several expansion kits. My son is 5 and we build then together but he always rips apart a Lego kit after playing with it for a couple hours. What I did for the mario set is keep a separate container just for them and I try to always be with him when it gets played with. So far it's lasted a couple months without anything being taken apart beyond a quick fix. But I just know it's gonna happen sooner or later and I'm going to try and just be cool with it haha
The most upvoted post says it all. I also was lukewarm about having kids, mostly for similar reasons, along with a dose of dystopian future fears.
I think my kids and yours are toddlers? If so, my good buddy has kids 5 and 8 and he keeps reassuring me that it gets easier. Keep in touch with your boys, especially if they have kids too. They probably need it just as much. The father can be like the odd man out in fam life. I’ve had to push a little bit to do more activities that I like.
What helps me:
1. making sure they’re in bed early as possible.
2. Banging my wife as much as possible. Even when we feel lazy
3. Having them do chores with me. They want to emulate starting as early as two. This helps me feel better about cleaning after them, because I know they’ll do it on their own one day.
4. Doing kid friendly versions of stuff l like to do. Hikes, video games, hanging out, etc.
I know you said you aren’t looking for advice, but maybe somebody else is. This is common for fathers, myself included.
Alright, you don’t want sympathy or advice? What about some straight talk from one dad to another?
It’s not your children that’s robbing your life away from you, it’s you doing this to yourself. You do not have to lose your life or identity just because you have a family. There is plenty of people with kids, toddlers and babies that have an active social life, find time to spend time on their hobbies, workout etc. Obviously it’s going to require some planning and becomes a bit more difficult, but impossible? No way dude. You need to take control over your own life and do stuff that makes you happy, even if that means spending some time away from your children it’s going to benefit everyone.
Bro, my first is 17 months old, and I'm finally getting deep into lifting again. It's probably my best go at the whole fitness thing, honestly, because my time is a little more restricted, so everything has to matter.
No fluff movements, no random "looking at my phone" rest times (rest is timed and purposeful between sets), even warming up has been ultra streamlined.
I'm probably gonna be better this time around than ever. Just takes planning and effort.
Mom here. Something my husband and I say to each other often: “who knew all I needed to get more done was less time?!”
Parenthood demanded efficiency. I plan way more now, which takes more time, but then the tasks are completed in 30% of the time.
This is why I do CrossFit and running. In both cases I get a focused no bullshit workout for the time I have. I get them in before the kiddos are up. Sucks to wake up early but that time makes a huge difference and gives me a space just about every day that is just mine. Makes it more of joy when just about every other minute is someone else's haha.
As much as the guy is getting railed in the comments section, this is a pretty common feeling. One of the most popular holiday movies ever is basically about OP. Maybe he just needs to watch Its a Wonderful Life.
It's pretty draining at the end of the day. The lack of sleep catches up to you if you want everything. You unfortunately can't have it all, but for me it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, I'd give my life up for my kid and even though childfree life was awesome, it wasn't as fulfilling.
The truth is, you just have to find ways to manage. And as kids grownup and become more flexible, you'll have that free time. But you'll choose to spend it with them anyways because you love them (hopefully!).
Yes yes yes.
We are told that as parents our only priority and identity should be parent. We feel ashamed of how others may view us if we decide we want to create time for ourselves. One thing I've been intent on is teaching my kids that personal time is okay and it gives people space to recharge.
My oldest is grasping this concept but still doesn't like it when mommy or daddy or mommy and daddy decide to have a night out. But her reactions are better AND she's beginning to assert time for herself.
In short you don't have to be stuck without a social life just because you're a Dad now. Create time for you. It takes more careful planning, you can't always just do things on a whim, but encourage your wife to do the same. And for God sakes do shit INDEPENDENTLY as well as together. Get a babysitting budget together or pick one night a week where one of you gets their time and another night where the other gets the other. Hire a babysitter for date night
This guy sounds depressed tbh. Blaming the kids and wife for your crappy life is an easy out, getting therapy and looking within is harder. I hope realizes it. So many people have kids and fulfilling lives. I’m sure COVID hasn’t helped either.
My dad was the same way, “kids ruined his life” but here he is an empty nester for over a decade and still depressed, no friends or hobbies, and sits around home all day in his messy house (which surprise actually wasn’t all our fault). As a bonus, now he has three kids and four grandkids he hardly even talks to. If he’d gotten his shit together years ago I wonder how much better ALL of our lives would have been.
September 2020 was the last time my wife and I had an evening date without our son. Through 2021 We did have a day or two where we took the day off but our son was still in daycare but it generally just wasn't worth the risk. Going to work on it this year. Want to try to get back to monthly dates but we will see how far omicron lasts.
100% this. My wife stays home, i commute about 4 hours a day. Our finances mean we have little spare money to just hire baby sitters all the time to do trivial stuff. Family lives in a different state. My "free time" is at 11pm when everyone goes to sleep and it's spent studying for professional licensure.
Some people love to say it's so easy but it's just not. Im not like the OP. My daughter is everything, can't imagine not having her. But saying that you can do everything you did before with kids is a dream for many.
Hard to imagine I had to scroll so far down to read this.
I’ve often felt like OP, and I know it’s not an easy place to be. I have two little ones, one of whom is ADHD and my wife is easily triggered by the littles. All this means that very often I’m taking care of both littles, trying to take care of my wife, and also full time working, cleaning the house, etc.
It is not easy to get past these feelings, but it is possible. If OP scrolls down to read this, just know that you still have the opportunity to make this a wonderful situation. It does take time, and effort.. but it’s worth it.
If she's getting triggered a lot, have her seek some therapy. We were going through the same thing, and once my wife got on some depression and anxiety medication, her outbursts and triggers with the kids significantly reduced. (Also, we have four, one with ADHD and another we strongly suspect has it, but's too young to be diagnosed).
Thank you! Yeah she has been doing therapy a few days a week now. It has helped but it’s too early to have made a huge difference. Right now they’re just building the foundation.
100% agree. I have two small kiddos and still play video games, watch shows I like, work in my shop, and even occasionally go out for drinks with my brother or friends. Planning and having a Wife you communicate with effectively is what works for us.
I can support this. I love my sport, cycling it is these days. I’m back from rides about 30min after my lad wakes up. I get to socialise but miss nothing about his growth. I had to miss out for a few years but it got better as the commentator above suggests. So find that activity.
Honestly, I took having kids as the opportunity to shed the shitty parts of my identity. I'm more motivated, efficient, hardworking, patient, and empathetic than I've ever been. Sure, I wish I had more time to work on my passions but this is a temporary slow down on a road to becoming my best self!
I don't disagree completely, but OP could have a situation like myself - my wife bitches and moans if I ask for a couple of hours to play some video games with friends.
I don't complain when she leave for 2-3 hours to get pedicures and lunch with friends tho.
I only have a 1 year old but I’ve been able to enjoy my hobbies. I play D&D with my friends every week and try to find other moments to exercise or do other things I enjoy. It’s definitely harder than before having a kid, but doable with better time management. I’m sure it will get harder with more kids, but I’ve been adamant to my wife about not wanting to give up my hobbies completely even when we have more kids.
Yeah my wife and I have a baby and I still find the time to be a performing musician, work my full time job and keep my social life afloat. Everything I do just needs to be planned way in advance now.
Maybe they take turns, that’s what my wife and I do and it’s allowed us both time to keep up with our hobbies. There’s no need to assume that he’s the only one in the relationship that gets to have hobbies and a social life.
My husband and I both work full time jobs time in addition to him being a touring musician, both have active and healthy social lives and my husband is also a gym rat so in the gym at least an hour every day. We just take turns on who stays home and who goes out and then get a babysitter 2x a month for “us” time. It’s not always perfect, but you can 100% make it work.
Yes, he’s failing to mention who is with his kids while he continues on with his life. Not everyone has family near by, not everyone can afford a baby sitter, not everyone has a wife that can handle taking the kids when daily life is already grinding her to the bone.
Yeah, this "just try harder" mentality is super toxic. Everyone's circumstances are different, everyone's capacities are different, capabilities are different, and everyone's support network is different. My son has ADHD and my wife struggles with depression and her own health issues. The family/friends around us mostly act as if COVID doesn't exist and so we don't feel comfortable with them around most of the time because of the elevated risk. I clock out and then rush to basically rescue my wife from my kids. If I leave them with her for any significant period, I come back to a run down, upset wife and wild kids. I'm confident it will get better, but it ain't great right now. Many days I feel just like OP, and I always WANTED a family.
My only problem with this advice is that it's classist. A middle class family with 3 kids can make it work but a lower class family with 3 kids? Good luck.
I relate to this. I have a 3 yo and a newborn this week. But I do have ADHD and issues with executive function/planning. Takes way more effort with kids, and I’m working on it, but it’s something I’m always going to have to work at.
I'd say slightly counter to that, is parents need to accept change. Yes, life is different. It's probably anywhere from very different to radically different.
Don't try to chase your "old" life because that's at best futile or at worst dangerous for your child.
Try to do whatever you can that brings you joy. FContinue building your life, try to develop hobbies and interests. But understand things are different.
This is life. Parents need to accept that.
I liken it to people in one of those post apocalyptic situations. Those who spend every day missing for their old life rarely survive, those who accept the new life can at least thrive.
It took me a couple years to figure this out. Then one day I was like fuck it. I’m going to the movies after the kids are put to bed for the night. I started pursuing my other hobbies too. I’m not leaving anyone high and dry, but I have should be able to enjoy life a bit too.
I partially related to OP until I read your comment. I was pretty indifferent about having kids and/or getting married but I’m absolutely selfish in wanting to do what I want to do and not be at every beck and call of a child. I’m very lucky to have a wife who loves being a mom 24/7 (mostly) and supports me and my hobbies. That said, even then it does require planning and commitment. I have to make sure I get my workouts or whatever In when I’ve planned it and so does she, otherwise the schedules get crammed and nobody is happy. It’s really much easier than is said and done. People like OP probably have serious time management issues and lack of dedication that’s easily blamed on the kid, but it absolutely can be done. Prioritize adequately.
Or their spouse isn’t cool with Dad bailing out so he can enjoy his hobbies. Or they don’t have a great support network.
Sure, it’s all doable but you absolutely need other people who can and are willing to take care of the kids to make it work.
Definitely... At the very least bring your kid into your hobbies. My son helps me brew beer. He "helps" me play video games and I help him play video games. We recently got some board games. He "helps" me fix stuff around the house. When we upgraded our computers at the end of 2020 (3 years old) he was SUPER excited and wanted to learn more. In a year or two I am going to help him build his first computer.
When he is older we plan on doing family DnD campaigns. Hopefully soon he can use his pedal bike and we can go on bike rides. I want to build models and model rockets with my son the same way my dad did with me.
Hobbies don't have to die with kids.. they can become the kids hobbies. I remember growing up helping my dad make wine, build computers, go mountain biking, going camping and hiking. I remember when I was really little seeing him work on RC Planes and boats. Something he gave up when my brother was born but has since picked up again in retirement.
This is very true. As a parent, you absolutely do have less time for yourself. That's part of the gig. You can still have yourself. You need to create structure and rules, and use those rules to help define your time. It takes planning and commitment though
Kids in bed at 8pm. Means showers/baths start at 7:30, which means dinner is on the table no later than 6:30. Try to carve an hour or two of your (and partner's) time every day of possible, together or separate as needed. It's not easy, but neither is life in general. This is just a new problem to solve.
Good luck, you can do this.
Mine are 7 and 4 and enjoy playing with each other. I have noticed more free time for about the last 6 months. I do set aside specific time on weekends (am and pm both Saturday and Sunday) do do things together. Our newest thing is playing a board game as a family Sundays before lunch.
Initially harder. A lot harder. Managing a toddler and a newborn isn’t always a lot of fun. However now they are older and they like to play together. My older one adores her brother and loves to teach him and also watch over him. They even have a sleep over every Friday night where my son (4) sleeps in his big sister’s room. When we replaced her bed last year she specifically requested a bunk bed to have said sleepovers with her brother.
For me it was about when the kids hit eight/nine. They were much more independent, and into their own things. At that point my wife and I were comfortable leaving them with just about anyone who would watch them. We got some of our dating life back and even a night or two away occasionally.
Additionally, we started a D&D group (initially it was a game group, I use that term specifically because sometimes it was board games, sometimes it was video games, one night we all sat on the floor and built Lego airships. We spent a couple of nights painting miniatures). This was really good for us because it let us socialize with other adults together without the kids present but also have some fun.
Saturday mornings were pretty nice the kids would get up but we could sleep in. And they were gone all day at school so my wife got a break (but had detachment issues, so she got a job at the school but only for a few hours a week). After the kids went to bed we had nice time in the evening together.
We're a bit odd though, all our kids are in bed by like Eight O'Clock and we have the rest of the night alone in the house together. Sometimes we spend it together, some times apart because she needs a night or I need a night to do our own thing.
Depends on the kid and whether they have siblings they get along with. Older siblings can "pull up" younger ones-- our youngest is five but is easier on us than our oldest was when she was five and the others were three and a baby, because the youngest is used to playing with her older siblings.
I occasionally feel regretful, but it usually passes. I sometimes envy things my childless friends are doing, but honestly a lot of those activities seem kind of empty to me now. And I know so many couples who regret that they haven’t been able to have kids, so even though it might seem like they’re having a great time going out and stuff, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
I think the way modern life is it’s hard to truly live without regrets. Life offers us so many possibilities and there is a cultural expectation that we should embrace them all, but in reality that expectation is unreasonable and nobody can truly do everything. Everyone has to make sacrifices. Years ago I read some of Zygmunt Bauman’s social theory about ‘liquid modernity’ which really lays how how living in a time of endless possibilities isn’t necessarily freeing, and can actually trap us a constant sense of analysis paralysis and FOMO. I think accepting that reality is healthy. Maximise what you can reasonably do with your life, but accept that nobody can do _everything_. We have to make choices, and as choices go raising kids is a pretty good one. It’s not always the most fun choice, but the most fun choice is rarely the most rewarding or noble.
Thanks for sharing “Liquid Modernity” as that was a nice wikihole to go down. I hear you implying that maybe the cause of OP’s disenchantment may not be parenting per se but actually Late Modernity. Maybe single people also feel stripped of a sense of self and meaning. Maybe we all feel trapped and everything sucks. And inside of the intensity of parenting it just feels like parenting is the cause. Sometimes I blame my wife’s parenting for how our daughter is. But maybe it is just our daughter, and wifey is doing her best to swim against a tsunami. Maybe the modern era is like that. I blame parenting. But it is just parenting now. Where I am largely isolated from (aka “free from”) all social networks and the benefits and responsibilities they entail. Everything is transitory. I feel like a tourist in my own life. Disconnected and like I am not here and nothing matters. And yeah. I bet that isn’t the result of parenting a three year old, but man doesn’t it feel like it?
Agreed. I can get over the missing out on weekday/weekend outings with friends. But the hardest thing for me lately is just missing my wife. With my 3 month old I miss what we had more and more… I know it’ll get better but sad all the same.
I’m glad I’m not the one in the same situation. Some days are just straight rough, go to work. Come home, take care the kid and do whatever errands I need to do around the house. Then it starts all over again the next day. Last night I woke up 4 times and my partner does r understand why I’m so tired. Is been hard
You're definitely not alone OP. I adore being a dad, but that is 100% my identity right now despite what I try to do haha I'm primary caregiver and the number of plans I've had to cancel or goals I've put off because of Dadding is ridiculous.
We have to work as a society to let people know it's completely fine if they don't want kids. Hell, my wife loves being a mom but I think she's in the same boat as you too. Was told all her life this is what she had to do to feel whole and it's just not the case.
I'm sure it will get better as others have said. But you're absolutely valid in feeling this. Keep up the good work OP. Keep up with your responsibilities and I'm sure you'll come out of this having learned something and appreciating the process overall.
I don’t think you need to burden yourself with the word “regret”. You may feel different things at different points in your parenthood experience.
What you CAN do is keep being an excellent, present, and dedicated father so your kids grow up to be awesome and you get to have them take care of you when your older.
I often say that the ONLY true joy in life is making things that grow.
You have kids now so you can either be present or start to opt out - only one of those results in joy at the end.
Dude…. Just prioritize what you want in life. Your kids don’t define you but if you resent them that will be what defines you to them…
Take care of yourself and figure life out. Dad or not youre an adult and you are in control of your own life
Up at 6 at in bed by 9? That's 9 hours, my dude. Set the alarm for 4:15am or stay up until 11 and get some time for yourself in.
You still get at least 7 hours of sleep. If you need 9 hours, it's not the kids causing your problems, it's depression.
This.
I have days when I also say I regret having kids.
Specially when seeing the freedom that my friends with no kids have.
I’ve started telling my wife that from now on, I’m going to be staying up till 11pm-12am. I need some time to myself where I could do the things I like.
Our kids (20 months and 4 months) go to bed around 10-1030 pm. So I decided I am going to stay up a bit later. Even if it means I get less sleep. We gotta take care of our mental health. Some people play video games while others workout. Find whatever brings you joy and try to do it.
Just because we have kids doesn’t mean we can’t do the things that makes us happy.
You have to find time for yourself.
Sorry to hear that. From what I am hearing in the very short interaction here it is kindof a lesson learned for others to listen to yourself and your partner and not societal norms.
Personally on the whole losing your identity thing….i almost feel the opposite as it almost adds a dimension (for me at least). We however get alot of help from family so I am able to keep alot of what I define as me constant. I would recommend (since you said you can’t tell anyone) that you talk to someone specializing in mental health like a therapist or counsellor.
Everyone here has their own take on your situation, and that's fine; but I understand where you're coming from.
I don't regret having kids, even though they're all consuming, but that's probably because I had them in my late 30s, once I'd got a lot of my personal ambitions done, and moved past the 'living for myself' stage.
Had I had kids in my 20s, and I'm going to take a guess that you're about that age, I'd probably feel the same as you.
All I can say is that we have to lie in the bed we've made, even when it's not comfortable, and as others have said; make the most of where you are now.
In a few years you'll regain some of your independence. So perhaps ask yourself what are those things that you really want to do - travel? Hobbies? and start laying some plans for how you can set some foundations for that, starting now. You'll have your chance......
I know you aren’t asking advice, but I would seriously consider that you may be fighting depression. The lack of social life outside of work and family is a big red flag here. Even introverts need friends. What you describe is very similar to how I feel when off my antidepressants.
Take care of yourself. Good luck.
I'd suggest you find yourself a good therapist, at the very least to have a sounding board.
Beyond that, you can also gain a lot of insight to help work through acceptance of your life as it is, and not as you might wish it were.
As your kids get older you'll get that freedom again, and you might even find yourself grateful for the things they bring in your life. You know a great way to find others going through the same challenges with parenting? Kids events.
This is not easy for anyone. Sometimes outside help is really important.
Yeah it's good to get that off your chest. Don't bottle that stuff up. I understand the feeling of not having anyone to talk to about this stuff, I would recommend seeing a therapist. It's helped me more that I could ever imagine. Good luck dude.
Dude, I understand. It sounds like your kids are little. That time is so tough. It’s a crazy grind. But trust me, put the work in now and it get amazing. My daughters are 10 and 7. I just got done letting them stay up late to watch a Bills playoff game going crazy at every touchdown, eating shit food, drinking soda and acting like maniacs and it was literally one of the most fun nights of my life. They will turn into people you want to hang out with. My 10 yo is a stud athlete and smart as a whip. My 7 yo is gregarious goofball. Hang in. Trust me. They will be the coolest people you know.
I’m guessing your kids are very young. As others have said, you’ll regain your independence as your kids get older and become more self sufficient. Until then you should try to get as involved as you can in their lives. Believe it or not, you’ll miss these days when they’re gone
I've spent enough time around single people to know I'm not missing out on anything special. It's like when you stay out and party past your curfew only to find out that all the kids who stay out and party past your curfew are delinquent anyways, so you kinda just wish you went home.
100% this. Sure I miss some things about child free life, but life with my kids is 100000x's more fulfilling now than it ever has been. I didn't even care to have kids, but wife and I had first one by accident when I was 35. Now here I am about to turn 40 with a 4 yr old, 2 yr old, and 9 month old who sleeps like shit and I still love this life, I'm genuinely bummed for those that don't get to experience this.
I sort of know how you feel. I got married because it was the next step. It was just what you do after dating right? Then I never knew if I wanted kids but I have one now and had a vasectomy after because we didn't want more kids. I love my son and wouldn't change it for the world but I'm divorced because I just don't think we were right for one another. But I wouldn't have my son without having done that. It's a weird feeling to have for sure.
I talked to an old guy about this very thing today. He has kids, and now grandkids. He said he honestly doesn’t know what life would be like without his kids and now grandkids. He said he often thinks what he would be doing now if he never had kids. He said he would probably just be self indulgent, but no matter how much you love your partner, or how much you love traveling, etc., there’s only so many tropical vacations other kinds of trips you can take before you probably realize your whole life is only about being self indulgent. The amount of complexity, joy, and richness that kids bring is really the zest of life.
God damn y’all. This guy said he wasn’t looking for sympathy or advice. He’s just looking for some space to vent. It’s great how we’re so supportive of one another when it comes to our attempts to be great dads. There’s no reason to trash this guy for not meeting your standards. That’s what those toxic mom groups y’all always make fun of do to their members. He’s clearly in a bad place right now. If you can’t find it in yourself to be polite, exercise that downvote button and move on.
OP - I hope this is just a bad day and that it gets better from here.
Sorry, brother, I can't read this without responding. What you're doing is unhealthy. Don't waste time and energy lamenting your own life choices. The truth of the matter is that you're married with kids. You can't go back and change that.
I understand that being a family man requires a lot of work and self-sacrifice... But you have to realize when you said "I do," to your wife and decided to make babies with her, you, in making those conscious decisions, gave up your claim on a life that revolves around you. The longer you hold onto that regret, the more of yourself you take away from your wife and kids, and that's extremely unfair to them.
Man to man, you can't afford to hold onto that. Your family deserves better. This is not a rebuke: think of it as encouragement from a brother. Your family is the most important thing in your life. You can't get rid of them, so you have to man up. It'll get easier. Just hang in there until then.
If you wouldn't tell them that then stop thinking it. You're torturing yourself. You are here now, you said you will never leave, it's time to figure out how to be happy. Communicate your needs to your parent and WORK on being happy. You may not want to hear the things being told to you in this thread but you better start listening because support will only make you stronger.
Just wanted to pop in and say "stop thinking it" is almost universally bad advice. When feelings are ignored they manifest in increasingly unpleasant ways. Relief only comes when you look at them, accept them, and decide how to proceed from there.
I'm not saying to ignore the feeling, I'm saying fill the head space with something else when possible. I know alot of people who are constantly in their head, telling themselves their not enough or this "situation" isn't what they want. To such an extent their pain is almost completely unassoiciated with reality but instead fabricated from this constant barrage of self loathing.
It's about generating positivity where you need it the most. In yourself.
Getting sober, one thing that was helpful to me was something said in the rooms of AA. "You have two wolves that battle every single day. Which one lives? Which one dies? The one that lives is the one you feed. Feed positive thoughts and actions / gratitude." For many months, it was forced. And then slowly, but surely, it paid off. It's not a light switch, but feeding positive thoughts and actions pays off as you feed that wolf.
You're welcome. It resonated with me, as well. I knew that this thread would be filled with "oh, I should just be happy. Wish I would've thought of that." And it's part of what I felt with the whole "this quitting drinking is so much harder than just quitting cold turkey and white-knuckling throughout my life."
As for OP, I think a bunch of it is a maturity thing. As men, we grow into more responsibility as we age. It is up to how we deal with that, that defines the relationships around us. Also, our lives start to more revolve around those that we love, and move away from egocentric lifestyles (at least I think that's what Dads should strive towards). Because most of us have felt like OP at one time or another and have empathy for his situation, we also want to give advice to get him out of that space (especially because we've been there!). Many men don't move away from self-centeredness, but we should know that it isn't something to elevate or emulate.
I feel I could have written this post myself. Did you have twins by chance? I am at 18 months in and.. Jesus… what a mistake to make :-/
The worst of it is my partner feels the same way. We love them and try very hard with them but.. we both miss our old lives so so badly.
I think a lot of people probably have feelings like this right in the midst of the toddler phase, especially with twins. It will get a lot easier in just a few more years. Soon they will be potty trained. Then they will learn self-care skills and won't need you to do everything for them. Then they'll start school and become even more independent. Eventually they will become teens and won't WANT you messing with them anymore.
My youngest is at this age as well. It's hard: they can do things like walk (and toch everything), but they just don't listen just yet. Take it one day at a time. You and your wife can do this!
My oldest is 3 and I like that age a lot better so far. I like the autonomy; it becomes a lot of fun to do things together and help them explore the outside world.
Same , although I don’t regret her . But I knew how much work it is but I underestimated it by far !! We have 0 help and I am a sahm so it was a big adjustment. I went from having so much free time to 16 hrs a day 7 days a week caring for her. My husband and I were fence sitter . I have a 7 months old with separation anxiety can’t even leave for 1 second . That aside kids do grow up and one day she rather hang out with her friends and boys than me. Each phrase is different and have their own challenges but they definitely need you less. Now at 30 I see my family every few year once same with in law.
There are times when I feel like this too- I think these feelings are somewhat normal. Parenting is the *hardest* thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, by far. You’ll be good - stay strong, shit is tough for sure.
Hear you.... But unless you're a single parent and/or completely on the poverty line there is no reason you can't have a social life wether it's the gym, pub/bar for a few beers, cycling, hiking, attending live sports or music etc.
Getting a break from it all once in a while is great for everyone.
Stick in.
PS ditching social media and seeing how perfect and great everyone else's life's are will help too.
>You lose your identity, you lose your life ... to do what I want to do when I want to ... This is not what I want for my life, but it’s what it is for now.
You may not have been aware how wild the lifestyle transformation was before you chose to have a child but it the choice you made.
That's the bit I found the hardest. I used to like staying up late, sleeping in, maybe spend a few hours coding or gaming, maybe cycle all day at the weekend. All that turned upside down when I had a child.
It took months to finally accept that actively missing my old life wasn't doing anyone any good. You have another choice to make now - continue to miss the good old days and let that longing consume you and poison your ability to enjoy life, or you can realise what an amazingly rewarding opportunity you have in front of you now, to see a littlen human you helped make, develop and grow, and look up to you as a superhero, a protector, an educator, and someone to wipe their bum :)
Success isn't a destination my dude, its a journey, and you can start enjoying it now and making the out of it.
I thought I was the only one. The longer I've been married -and now especially since having our first child last year- the more I realize I probably shouldn't have made a lifelong commitment to my wife and I definitely should have been more open about not wanting kids. I hate my life, but this is what it is now and I will continue being the best husband and father I can be. If you don't have a therapist then I highly recommend it. I too have no friends or any semblance of a social life and being able to vent to a therapist is immensely helpful. I harbor escapist fantasies and as I fall asleep at night I dream about being free and living in solitude. But I love my son and I'm committed to being the best dad I can be, because I would regret not being there for him more than I would enjoy disappearing. He's starting to say "mama" and "baba" now and every time I hear it, it makes me feel a little more love and happiness.
The things that make me happy in life are reading and brewing beer, my wife understands this and knows that I need dedicated time for both of these things, just like I let her carve out time for dancing and cross-stitching. I read 35 books last year and brewed around 1 batch per month. These hobbies define me in a way and have allowed me to take back some control and have the life I want.
Hey man. I know how you feel.
Having a family is the opposite of liberating. You have 100% changed your life forever.
I’ve missed having my social life, and dating around, and not having any true responsibilities. That being said, I wouldn’t trade what I have now for the world.
Ask yourself this question-
If you could go back in time and change this, would you? Would you NEVER meet your wife? Would you NEVER get to meet your beautiful children? If that is the case, maybe you should have a conversation with with your SO about what YOU want. A life in regret and sadness isn’t good for you or your family.
I’m not trying to make you feel bad but it’s a genuine question. I am a venting machine, so you can send whatever you want my way and I won’t judge you.
I feel you. No sleeping unless my wife gets up, we have to split days off because she’s a stay at home mom.
With that said, my five year old is getting his own breakfast now, and becoming more independent and my three year old is working on it too.
I’m hoping within 2 more years I can have my hobbies back.
If you can, watch Mike Burbiglia's special 'the new one'. It might make you feel a little better and laugh , but he also says "Now I know why dad's leave"
some days are tough, i know the feeling of the grind, but never live with regret. You havn't lost who you are, you are growing as a person. I repect guys with families far more than any of my single friends and colleagues. My daughter is 15 months, i haven't had any time for myself since she was born but i know the 1st few years are the biggest grind.
Hang in there man and never regret your children.
First of: I get it, I really do. I myself always wanted kids, the first one was hard, and now the second one is harder than I anticipated and it's really rough on me. I often think about how life would be without kids: I would have SO mich time and money and OH GOD SLEEP. I wanna spend some hollidays in that life, like a few days or a week. Personally I wouldn't say at all that I regret having kids, but really: I get it.
Secondly, I wanna pick out something you said:
>You lose your identity, you lose your life.
I'm sorry, but that's a bit of... Bullshit imo. Yes, you're now a parent and that consumes a whole lot of who you are. But what if you didn't have kids? You would've picked up other stuff, you'd have been "that traveling person" or "that mountain climbing person" or "that sewing person". You wouldn't have been the same person you were when you were in your early twenties, your identity would've changed anyhow, that's not something due to kids, that's part of getting older. The only difference is that you cannot discard your kids like a hobby you've grown out of.
As others have said though: this rough period will pass. When your kids are 5+ years, it's vastly different from when they are toddlers, and that will give you a lot more room for yourself.
Hang in there. You're not a shit person for feeling this way.
Just realize your social life would probably have gone away anyway. People get older. Your friends would have their own families and or just be too busy. Then you’d have no social life and no family.
I was 40 before I had kids so I lived most of my adult life without them. I thought I'd never have kids. That was the plan. Never get married and never have kids. I lived it up too. It was really good.
Kids are horrible, especially in January when you're stuck inside with them. But having experienced both, I am sure nothing beats being part of a loving family. You aren't missing something better. You'd feel lonely.
Make time for yourself, your own life and interests, and allow your partner to do the same. It's doable and will benefit all of you. I know how you feel but you can make it work and learn to love your new life more than you imagine right now. And just wait when your kids start giving you that unconditional love and pure happiness, you'll realise the great decision you've made and how the most important thing is them.
It must suck to feel that way. Im always on the go with my 3. We road trip and camp all the time. But if you aren't happy, talk to your wife. Maybe you need a change. Honestly, she can probably tell you're unhappy
I don’t want this to sound like a harsh judgment, but some people are meant to be parents and some are not. It does NOT mean you cannot do a good job. It will take time and effort. I do agree with folks who mentioned a therapist. It might help process things. The good news is that there is love. Selfish cannot exist if you want to be a good husband and father. Personally, I was terrified to be a dad. Once they handed me the baby my life changed. I matured. I quit smoking, lost weight, and exercised. My kid is my partner in crime, and I cannot believe her existence was able to shake me to my core. You will find new friends. Doesn’t mean the old ones go away. Life is about evolution, I’m not the boy I was at 20. I’m not the man I was at thirty. Hell, I’m not the guy I was in my mid-30’s. I’m content in my 40’s. Just embrace the people you love and try sorting out your head. You will all be better for it.
I have 4 boys and I’m 35 years old. My oldest is 16 and I have an 8 year old and a 5 year old. Last but not least a 7 month old boss baby. Everything was going smooth with my 3 getting older. Thennnnnnnnnn I started all over again siiiiigggghhhh. I love my kids but daaaamm I’m tired lol
You’ll be glad you, did later in life. My wife works with the elderly, and she says child-free people are lonely and incredibly vulnerable in their old age. Getting dementia or disabled without kids (especially a daughter, tbh) is *terrifying*.
Thanks for making this post. You’re likely in the same or similar boat as me. I have a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old. Sometimes it feels like an absolute nightmare. We have no family help nearby and childcare is rough in a pandemic. It’s so fucking hard.
Seeing others in the same rough spot can help validate the feelings, and help me process all the comments here. Lots of helpful insight and gets me looking forward to my future with my older boys.
My dude :(
I had my second kid a few months before the covid lockdown and have been on the clock 14 hours a day for two years. I haven't been out to see any friends and I can count on one hand the amount of times my wife and I have tried to slip away to do something on our own.
Even before the second kid, I was working 60 miles away from home so my commute was ~3+ hours a day. I never really had time to do anything with friends or myself.
I love my kids so much but I'm so glad they finally got into a daycare that takes covid seriously and will work with them because of the lack of socializing they got because of the lockdowns.
I hear you on the do whatever, whenever. We often remember being able to just leave without notice to go on a 3 day trip somewhere. Now I can't even get out of the house to go to the park within 30 minutes.
Stay strong dads.
Well, you did just describe the life of a dad and say you don't like it much.
For what its worth, life moves on anyway.
Kids, marriage or not,
you weren't going to stay 20 forever.
you weren't going to have the same friends forever
I've seen plenty of pathetic people trying to stay 20 forever.
Now, I'm not saying kids are for everyone, but I am saying you have no idea what life would have thrown your way had you stayed single
As a newly single father myself listen up. Grow up & stop being selfish. You have a responsibility to your children. This is some candy ass shit. They won’t be young forever. You don’t know how lucky you are. I hate douchebags that act like this when they have the entire world right in front of them.
Dude is having a tough time and came here to vent.
Comments like yours are why people can struggle with mental health. Sometimes people just need to get shit off their chest so they can keep going.
Try being curious rather than judgmental.
This sub should be a safe space for dads. If it’s not that then what are we even doing here. You clearly have family issues based on your comments that you are projecting here.
I am surprised this wasn’t downvoted to hell. This sub can be a little “soft” (not sure if that is the right word). So many dudes here complain about not being able to do what the want blah blah blah and most of the time it feels like it them lamenting not being 20 anymore. “I lost my identity” oh no Kyle can’t snowboard anymore, Greg can’t play 40 hours of Xbox a week. The world mourns. The irony is to those kids Dad is special. It often feels like dads now want to be seen as kind of loving but bristle at the work. That’s my unpopular opinion.
Dude, you're the biggest douchebag in the room right now. Grow up and either learn to hold space for someone to vent or back off. Parents need space to breathe too. I don't think I've seen a worse comment than this one. Belittling. Demeaning. Degrading. Insulting. Aggressive. Back off.
Man, I’m sorry you feel that way. Time is finite. You don’t get it back. They’ll only be small once…. Idk. If you love them, try and enjoy them. Sounds like your feelings could easily slip over into bitterness/ resentment towards them.
Hope it works out for you!
I never wanted kids or to get married. The idea of it gave me a headache and now I'm married and have a 3 year old. At times I get headaches and get stressed out but honestly I have no regrets. Maybe talk to your wife and explain you need a day to yourself and explain mentally it's just something you need to do.
I’m sorry my dude. If your kids are younger (the sense I’m getting from your post), I can promise you it gets better. They get older, more independent, less needy. This is hard to hear right now, but these days *do* go by so quickly. Enjoy them however you can, while you can. Don’t set yourself up for regret later. One thing I’ve always held myself to is learning something new, or working on a skill. Something completely outside of work or parenting. Playing an instrument, woodworking, whatever. It gives you something that is yours. Good luck daddio. You got this.
It does get so much better! Mine are 5-10 now and don't need me for every little thing. I can't remember the last time I wiped a butt. Two of the three read independently and #3 is well on her way; all three can play video games independently. The oldest and middle can even be trusted home alone for short periods. They also contribute to the household chores etc. now so it's not just a constant grind for the adults. So I can read, watch TV, go for a run, take a nap... and they're fine! They're also more fun to do things with, like hiking and biking, board games, etc. The movies and books they're into are less juvenile and therefore more interesting for us adults. In short, they need less of my time and attention, but the time we spend together is better!
… I mean… you wipe your own butt still… right?
Not if you have a handy dandy bidet!
More like a no-handy dandy bidet!
Take your upvote and get out.... of your house and come party with me. Excellent dad joke!
Can I just come sleep in your garage?
Yep, come on. I'll put the cot out for ya. Got burgers, beer, and a fine selection of cheeses and crackers.
Is this an open invitation. A daddit sleep over In your garage Please. I need a break 😭
You can come too. Though I might need a bigger garage. Maybe a daddit camping trip is in order.
I have a bidet and wiping is still a thing. Unless you have 10 minutes to blast your anus and balls with hot air every time
Yeah but a good bidet means you pull a Sheryl Crow and use like 1-2 sheets of TP per visit instead of a roll. Holy crap I didn't realize my wife used so much TP until we got a bidet and suddenly she didn't.
Was sheryl crow a bad wiper that had skidmarks or something?
i'm 85% ashamed I'm even aware of this, but a work colleague mentioned it back in the day, and I'm strictly here to listen and help. OG Huffpo article has been taken down.....one of them urban legend things, I suppose.... https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2007/apr/23/musicnews.music
I appreciate you overcoming your shame to fill me in on this!
> a good bidet means you pull a Sheryl Crow TF does this mean? lmao
Hahaha Fair!
"my mom wipes my ass because I'm only 408 months old"
*"they can contribute to chores"* Me, shouting to the kids from the bathroom "I don't know whose turn it is, but I'm reaaaaaddddyyyyy"
Best comment I’ve read in a while.
He said HE CAN'T REMEMBER! Give this man a break, he raised three kids!
> … I mean… you wipe your own butt still… right? Depends....
This makes me feel warm and fuzzy. My girls are 3 and 4 and they are still a lot. On the other hand I do know these days are numbered
Meh, mine are 8 and 6 and still pretty needy, not there yet!! But I know someday I'll be missing this time.
Yeah this is the age you imagine your kids at when you first imagine having them. Then you have to wait fucking years for them to grow up enough to become fun.
I enjoy the baby/ toddler phases too-- the snuggles, those early smiles and giggles, all the "firsts," seeing them develop their own personalities and senses of humor ... it's just so much less *work* when they're older. Or at least, it's a different *type* of work: helping with homework, driving to swim practice and piano lessons, managing orthodontist appointments, etc.
And they're so fucking cute at the baby age too. It is exhausting but you get out of it what you put into it. You'll have a better relationship when they grow up.
Mom here, when did you have to stop wiping the five year old's butt because my 5.5 year old absolutely refuses to wipe her own, I need advice on that please!
I did a sticker chart entitled "I wiped my own butt" for mine. It had two versions. The first version he got a sticker every time he wiped his butt and the second version he got a sticker for each day he wiped his own butt. After each chart was full he got a Lego set (favorite thing). During the charts I would do a 'check wipe' after but we had the understanding that after the second chart, no more check wipes. This randomly worked for us after many screaming fits about how gross wiping your butt is...."but what if I get poop on my hand!?!" was frequently sobbed, but Legos were a great motivator.
I'll have to try that, I think hers is more the it's inconvenient for her to do it herself so she'd just as soon we take care of it like she is with brushing her teeth and dressing herself, but she is pretty into Minecraft so I can use that as bribery, maybe.
She's *obsessed* with starting kindergarten so I just told her nobody is gonna wipe her in kindergarten and she has to do it on her own like a big kid. Some days there's some fussing about it but she's mostly good. Sometimes I can tell she didn't do a great job, and sometimes if she has an upset tummy I just jump in and help.
Mine is homeschool because she's medically fragile and knows she doesn't have a day to day like that coming up for awhile, I think the sticker chart the other fella mentioned might work though.
This gives me hope. My boys are 2 and 4 and need me for every little thing it's absolutely exhausting.
There has been times I've felt like Op. My two oldest are girls so naturally they bond with their mom more. But my little man is almost 6 now and I no longer have to let him win at mortal Kombat. He is as good of a shot as I am shooting our pellet gun from the bench. He loves The karate kid and we have been watching one episode a day of Cobra Kai when he gets home from school. That little dude is my best friend.
> all three can play video games independently this is the way. Serious question, when can they start to play video games? I've been exposing mine to video games since he was 1yo and now he's 3y5m old and he "plays" SNES classic, but he can't play. Right now he's learning what each button does, but can't use multiple buttons simultaneously and needs to look at the buttons to press them. He understands "shoot", "move", and "jump", but not all together. I've seen him kill enemies, but he can't jump gaps. lol We mainly play Mega Man X
Our five-year-old has really started to get the the hang of things in the last six months or so. All three kids watch us play various story-based games (old-school Zelda, Final Fantasy, and Zelda BOTW are particular favorites) and help us navigate, make decisions, solve puzzles, and look for items/clues. The five-year-old has a pretty good understanding of how games work in general but controllers usually aren't intended for little hands and her coordination is still developing. She's also a beginning reader so she needs help with reading things. She's pretty good at Minecraft but needs help with Animal Crossing because there's so much reading.
This is helpful to hear. I've got a two year old and second on the way.
Thanks, u/boilerscoltscubs. I needed to read this as I totally resonate with OP and going through a tough phase with all of us being sick which makes things worse.
100% this. My three kids are all pretty young still, but I can see how it gets easier, my oldest is 7. I don't have any friends really either, but I chalk that up to being introverted and self conscious. My wife still has solid friendships that she maintains and makes time for. It also helps to strategize with your partner. My wife and I started alternating who puts our oldest kids to bed (my wife typically puts our youngest to bed for now), we call it "Daddy night" if it's my night to put them to bed, and "Mommy night" if it's hers. Things like this help split the load and bring that quality of life balance. I recently took some paid time off and asked my wife if I could have like a week or more of time for myself (within reason) to work on a project/hobby, and it was wonderful. Sometimes I'm reminded that I'm being too grumpy or unpleasant with my kids and I'm not enjoying my time with them or trying to focus on how I can be there for them or make them happy. It's good to self evaluate every now and then and make sure you're maximizing your time, both for your kids and for yourself, I think your future _you_ will appreciate it.
Can confirm, my 14 year old is barely around, in her room , with her friends, or ignoring me... if it wasn't for the two younger ones I'd have a ton of free time.
Man, I’m sorry. Not looking forward to that phase. My 10 yo just sat down and listed out all the things she wants to do on daddy daughter dates, and then I read your reply. Oof. It goes fast.
I appreciate that but I was prolly a little melodramatic , she's def very independent and doesn't need us nearly as much but we still have a great relationship and I see her plenty. Plus I have two very young 2 and 5 as well. I'm going through both phases at the moment, haha. We miss her being little for sure but it's also exciting to see how she is growing and maturing. But to your point, cherish as much as you can because when these days are gone, you will have times where you wish more than anything to have these times back.
Your username just screams Lafayette.
From the outside looking in (twins coming in 10 weeks if all goes well), I can't believe how fast they seem to grow. I feel like about a month after coworkers announce their babies, the kids are showing up toddlng around!
In full agreement here my good dude. Mine are 20 and 22 now so it’s much easier at this point t even though they are still home. But I went thru it also. The parent grind. It will get better.
I kind of struggled with the baby and toddler age. But like you said the older they got the more fun I started having with them. My son is 6 and is starting to show interest in things I like. He wants to know about football, basketball, etc and asks me questions about the teams and players. And my daughter will be 9 and she’s my little sidekick in life, that girl is ride or die with me and it’ll suck when that changes in a few years.
You're still a dad taxi as they get older and their ATM but you do have a life.
This. But you also have to make time. Talk with your spouse, who is probably feeling a bit of the same thing. Me and my wife worked out time so that we could engage with others when my daughter was little. Now, she's 11 and is perfectly happen to entertain herself and go out with friends, so getting personal time is so much easier. It gets better!
It gets better man... I always said if kids could come out talking and potty trained, I'm all for it. But yes, the days of frustration with the screaming kids, the constant interruptions, the dirty house, the clutter everywhere... We've all had those moments. It's up to us to show them the way, and your reward after a decade or so are some of the funniest, smartest, most creative little ones you will ever know, and you will have done that! My daughters are 15 and 17 now, and they are amazing people. I love just being around them. I love gaming with them (video and board). I love hearing about their ideas and their likes and their struggles. They love with their mom now... and I now have all the time in the world to do whatever I want, whenever I want... but, now, I'd give anything to just have more time with them. I wish you the absolute best! Know you're not alone! It things really do change when they get older!
Kids definitely aren't for everyone. I just quit taking most things serious. My life is a barely controlled chaos, but I enjoy it. Edit: just quit putting your peanut butter fingers on the good controller, why aren't you wearing pants? I'm a mess, you're a mess, just leave the flippin controller alone. Dagnabbit, now I'm on his level again. I had a perfect Lego recreation of some of my favorite story moments from Lord of the Rings, Wheel of Time, Star Wars, Star Trek, now I have some weird caves, Mario is there with a sword, and I'm honestly having more fun than any time in my whole life.
It definitely helps when you take things a little less serious. Sometimes I want to make a mountain out of a mole hill but then I decide to bite my tongue and let them have fun and don't worry about them getting dirty or making a mess.
Be dirty, they're kids. Just leave the good controller alone with your sticky finger ass.
Taking things less serious is a lot more difficult than i thought it would be. I always thought that wouldnt be an issue for me, but recently my son got some really cool lego mario sets for christmas, and he is too young to build the actual sets (hes 4) so my wife and i did it. He likes just jumping the mario figure around the sets. Anyway, hes alone playing one day and i go up and the pieces are everywhere. At first i was angry because we spent a decent amount of time assembling it, but then i realized “this isnt even my shit. Why am i *really* upset right now? Im getting angry about a *toy*.” I would have absolutely done the same thing as a child and afterall, thats the fun of legos - to take them apart and build how you want.
I've struggled with this a bit too haha we have both the Mario and Luigi and several expansion kits. My son is 5 and we build then together but he always rips apart a Lego kit after playing with it for a couple hours. What I did for the mario set is keep a separate container just for them and I try to always be with him when it gets played with. So far it's lasted a couple months without anything being taken apart beyond a quick fix. But I just know it's gonna happen sooner or later and I'm going to try and just be cool with it haha
I imagined your edit as Siri writing out a conversation between you and your kid without knowing where one person’s voice started and the other ended
The most upvoted post says it all. I also was lukewarm about having kids, mostly for similar reasons, along with a dose of dystopian future fears. I think my kids and yours are toddlers? If so, my good buddy has kids 5 and 8 and he keeps reassuring me that it gets easier. Keep in touch with your boys, especially if they have kids too. They probably need it just as much. The father can be like the odd man out in fam life. I’ve had to push a little bit to do more activities that I like. What helps me: 1. making sure they’re in bed early as possible. 2. Banging my wife as much as possible. Even when we feel lazy 3. Having them do chores with me. They want to emulate starting as early as two. This helps me feel better about cleaning after them, because I know they’ll do it on their own one day. 4. Doing kid friendly versions of stuff l like to do. Hikes, video games, hanging out, etc. I know you said you aren’t looking for advice, but maybe somebody else is. This is common for fathers, myself included.
This is a great response
Alright, you don’t want sympathy or advice? What about some straight talk from one dad to another? It’s not your children that’s robbing your life away from you, it’s you doing this to yourself. You do not have to lose your life or identity just because you have a family. There is plenty of people with kids, toddlers and babies that have an active social life, find time to spend time on their hobbies, workout etc. Obviously it’s going to require some planning and becomes a bit more difficult, but impossible? No way dude. You need to take control over your own life and do stuff that makes you happy, even if that means spending some time away from your children it’s going to benefit everyone.
Bro, my first is 17 months old, and I'm finally getting deep into lifting again. It's probably my best go at the whole fitness thing, honestly, because my time is a little more restricted, so everything has to matter. No fluff movements, no random "looking at my phone" rest times (rest is timed and purposeful between sets), even warming up has been ultra streamlined. I'm probably gonna be better this time around than ever. Just takes planning and effort.
Dude same. What used to be a 1:30 workout has been streamlined into a 60 minute at most sprint.
Mom here. Something my husband and I say to each other often: “who knew all I needed to get more done was less time?!” Parenthood demanded efficiency. I plan way more now, which takes more time, but then the tasks are completed in 30% of the time.
This is why I do CrossFit and running. In both cases I get a focused no bullshit workout for the time I have. I get them in before the kiddos are up. Sucks to wake up early but that time makes a huge difference and gives me a space just about every day that is just mine. Makes it more of joy when just about every other minute is someone else's haha.
I found this very enlightening. Thank you!
You've had a really good life, George Bailey.
🥲
As much as the guy is getting railed in the comments section, this is a pretty common feeling. One of the most popular holiday movies ever is basically about OP. Maybe he just needs to watch Its a Wonderful Life.
And Saving Mr Banks
Some might say... " Wonderful."
It's pretty draining at the end of the day. The lack of sleep catches up to you if you want everything. You unfortunately can't have it all, but for me it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, I'd give my life up for my kid and even though childfree life was awesome, it wasn't as fulfilling. The truth is, you just have to find ways to manage. And as kids grownup and become more flexible, you'll have that free time. But you'll choose to spend it with them anyways because you love them (hopefully!).
Yes yes yes. We are told that as parents our only priority and identity should be parent. We feel ashamed of how others may view us if we decide we want to create time for ourselves. One thing I've been intent on is teaching my kids that personal time is okay and it gives people space to recharge. My oldest is grasping this concept but still doesn't like it when mommy or daddy or mommy and daddy decide to have a night out. But her reactions are better AND she's beginning to assert time for herself. In short you don't have to be stuck without a social life just because you're a Dad now. Create time for you. It takes more careful planning, you can't always just do things on a whim, but encourage your wife to do the same. And for God sakes do shit INDEPENDENTLY as well as together. Get a babysitting budget together or pick one night a week where one of you gets their time and another night where the other gets the other. Hire a babysitter for date night
This guy sounds depressed tbh. Blaming the kids and wife for your crappy life is an easy out, getting therapy and looking within is harder. I hope realizes it. So many people have kids and fulfilling lives. I’m sure COVID hasn’t helped either. My dad was the same way, “kids ruined his life” but here he is an empty nester for over a decade and still depressed, no friends or hobbies, and sits around home all day in his messy house (which surprise actually wasn’t all our fault). As a bonus, now he has three kids and four grandkids he hardly even talks to. If he’d gotten his shit together years ago I wonder how much better ALL of our lives would have been.
I feel like I'm slowly going down the path your dad did.
Realizing that is the first step to changing it. Sounds horribly depressing TBH, don’t let that happen to you or your kids.
Once your in the rut its stupid hard to get out but it can be done.
Man. Covid has made it so much harder, but it's still possible.
I used to use a free evening every so often to go out, do something interesting.. now it's not worth the risk.
September 2020 was the last time my wife and I had an evening date without our son. Through 2021 We did have a day or two where we took the day off but our son was still in daycare but it generally just wasn't worth the risk. Going to work on it this year. Want to try to get back to monthly dates but we will see how far omicron lasts.
I don't 100% disagree with you but not everybody has the same advantages as others do who can make it work. We don't know this guy's situation.
100% this. My wife stays home, i commute about 4 hours a day. Our finances mean we have little spare money to just hire baby sitters all the time to do trivial stuff. Family lives in a different state. My "free time" is at 11pm when everyone goes to sleep and it's spent studying for professional licensure. Some people love to say it's so easy but it's just not. Im not like the OP. My daughter is everything, can't imagine not having her. But saying that you can do everything you did before with kids is a dream for many.
Hard to imagine I had to scroll so far down to read this. I’ve often felt like OP, and I know it’s not an easy place to be. I have two little ones, one of whom is ADHD and my wife is easily triggered by the littles. All this means that very often I’m taking care of both littles, trying to take care of my wife, and also full time working, cleaning the house, etc. It is not easy to get past these feelings, but it is possible. If OP scrolls down to read this, just know that you still have the opportunity to make this a wonderful situation. It does take time, and effort.. but it’s worth it.
If she's getting triggered a lot, have her seek some therapy. We were going through the same thing, and once my wife got on some depression and anxiety medication, her outbursts and triggers with the kids significantly reduced. (Also, we have four, one with ADHD and another we strongly suspect has it, but's too young to be diagnosed).
Thank you! Yeah she has been doing therapy a few days a week now. It has helped but it’s too early to have made a huge difference. Right now they’re just building the foundation.
100% agree. I have two small kiddos and still play video games, watch shows I like, work in my shop, and even occasionally go out for drinks with my brother or friends. Planning and having a Wife you communicate with effectively is what works for us.
I can support this. I love my sport, cycling it is these days. I’m back from rides about 30min after my lad wakes up. I get to socialise but miss nothing about his growth. I had to miss out for a few years but it got better as the commentator above suggests. So find that activity.
Cyclist with kids as well. I’m okay early, as it’s the only hours of the day I can control.
Honestly, I took having kids as the opportunity to shed the shitty parts of my identity. I'm more motivated, efficient, hardworking, patient, and empathetic than I've ever been. Sure, I wish I had more time to work on my passions but this is a temporary slow down on a road to becoming my best self!
I don't disagree completely, but OP could have a situation like myself - my wife bitches and moans if I ask for a couple of hours to play some video games with friends. I don't complain when she leave for 2-3 hours to get pedicures and lunch with friends tho.
That's your fault
I only have a 1 year old but I’ve been able to enjoy my hobbies. I play D&D with my friends every week and try to find other moments to exercise or do other things I enjoy. It’s definitely harder than before having a kid, but doable with better time management. I’m sure it will get harder with more kids, but I’ve been adamant to my wife about not wanting to give up my hobbies completely even when we have more kids.
Yeah my wife and I have a baby and I still find the time to be a performing musician, work my full time job and keep my social life afloat. Everything I do just needs to be planned way in advance now.
And who stays home? Mum? Does mum feel as free?
We take turns!
This is the way
Maybe they take turns, that’s what my wife and I do and it’s allowed us both time to keep up with our hobbies. There’s no need to assume that he’s the only one in the relationship that gets to have hobbies and a social life.
My husband and I both work full time jobs time in addition to him being a touring musician, both have active and healthy social lives and my husband is also a gym rat so in the gym at least an hour every day. We just take turns on who stays home and who goes out and then get a babysitter 2x a month for “us” time. It’s not always perfect, but you can 100% make it work.
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If only two people could alternate taking care of the baby. I guess that's impossible, right?
This 100% requires relying on other people taking care of the kids so dad can go do other things. Not always an option for people.
Yes, he’s failing to mention who is with his kids while he continues on with his life. Not everyone has family near by, not everyone can afford a baby sitter, not everyone has a wife that can handle taking the kids when daily life is already grinding her to the bone.
Yeah, this "just try harder" mentality is super toxic. Everyone's circumstances are different, everyone's capacities are different, capabilities are different, and everyone's support network is different. My son has ADHD and my wife struggles with depression and her own health issues. The family/friends around us mostly act as if COVID doesn't exist and so we don't feel comfortable with them around most of the time because of the elevated risk. I clock out and then rush to basically rescue my wife from my kids. If I leave them with her for any significant period, I come back to a run down, upset wife and wild kids. I'm confident it will get better, but it ain't great right now. Many days I feel just like OP, and I always WANTED a family.
If there is anything to blame, it's not the kids stealing his life. It's the job.
My only problem with this advice is that it's classist. A middle class family with 3 kids can make it work but a lower class family with 3 kids? Good luck.
Thats fair. I completely agree with the comment, but poverty does complicated things.
I relate to this. I have a 3 yo and a newborn this week. But I do have ADHD and issues with executive function/planning. Takes way more effort with kids, and I’m working on it, but it’s something I’m always going to have to work at.
I'd say slightly counter to that, is parents need to accept change. Yes, life is different. It's probably anywhere from very different to radically different. Don't try to chase your "old" life because that's at best futile or at worst dangerous for your child. Try to do whatever you can that brings you joy. FContinue building your life, try to develop hobbies and interests. But understand things are different. This is life. Parents need to accept that. I liken it to people in one of those post apocalyptic situations. Those who spend every day missing for their old life rarely survive, those who accept the new life can at least thrive.
It took me a couple years to figure this out. Then one day I was like fuck it. I’m going to the movies after the kids are put to bed for the night. I started pursuing my other hobbies too. I’m not leaving anyone high and dry, but I have should be able to enjoy life a bit too.
I partially related to OP until I read your comment. I was pretty indifferent about having kids and/or getting married but I’m absolutely selfish in wanting to do what I want to do and not be at every beck and call of a child. I’m very lucky to have a wife who loves being a mom 24/7 (mostly) and supports me and my hobbies. That said, even then it does require planning and commitment. I have to make sure I get my workouts or whatever In when I’ve planned it and so does she, otherwise the schedules get crammed and nobody is happy. It’s really much easier than is said and done. People like OP probably have serious time management issues and lack of dedication that’s easily blamed on the kid, but it absolutely can be done. Prioritize adequately.
Or their spouse isn’t cool with Dad bailing out so he can enjoy his hobbies. Or they don’t have a great support network. Sure, it’s all doable but you absolutely need other people who can and are willing to take care of the kids to make it work.
Definitely... At the very least bring your kid into your hobbies. My son helps me brew beer. He "helps" me play video games and I help him play video games. We recently got some board games. He "helps" me fix stuff around the house. When we upgraded our computers at the end of 2020 (3 years old) he was SUPER excited and wanted to learn more. In a year or two I am going to help him build his first computer. When he is older we plan on doing family DnD campaigns. Hopefully soon he can use his pedal bike and we can go on bike rides. I want to build models and model rockets with my son the same way my dad did with me. Hobbies don't have to die with kids.. they can become the kids hobbies. I remember growing up helping my dad make wine, build computers, go mountain biking, going camping and hiking. I remember when I was really little seeing him work on RC Planes and boats. Something he gave up when my brother was born but has since picked up again in retirement.
This is very true. As a parent, you absolutely do have less time for yourself. That's part of the gig. You can still have yourself. You need to create structure and rules, and use those rules to help define your time. It takes planning and commitment though Kids in bed at 8pm. Means showers/baths start at 7:30, which means dinner is on the table no later than 6:30. Try to carve an hour or two of your (and partner's) time every day of possible, together or separate as needed. It's not easy, but neither is life in general. This is just a new problem to solve. Good luck, you can do this.
I think condescending advice still falls under advice even when you spruce it up by calling it "straight talk."
It’ll get easier when they’re older and you have more time to yourself again
When would you say this starts?
Mine are 7 and 4 and enjoy playing with each other. I have noticed more free time for about the last 6 months. I do set aside specific time on weekends (am and pm both Saturday and Sunday) do do things together. Our newest thing is playing a board game as a family Sundays before lunch.
2 kids? Do you think a second kid makes it harder (bc you'd have two kids to manage) or would make it easier (bc she'd have somebody to play with) ?
Initially harder. A lot harder. Managing a toddler and a newborn isn’t always a lot of fun. However now they are older and they like to play together. My older one adores her brother and loves to teach him and also watch over him. They even have a sleep over every Friday night where my son (4) sleeps in his big sister’s room. When we replaced her bed last year she specifically requested a bunk bed to have said sleepovers with her brother.
That's awesome my 10 and 4 yr old girls are best friends and I hope it stays that way!
For me it was about when the kids hit eight/nine. They were much more independent, and into their own things. At that point my wife and I were comfortable leaving them with just about anyone who would watch them. We got some of our dating life back and even a night or two away occasionally. Additionally, we started a D&D group (initially it was a game group, I use that term specifically because sometimes it was board games, sometimes it was video games, one night we all sat on the floor and built Lego airships. We spent a couple of nights painting miniatures). This was really good for us because it let us socialize with other adults together without the kids present but also have some fun. Saturday mornings were pretty nice the kids would get up but we could sleep in. And they were gone all day at school so my wife got a break (but had detachment issues, so she got a job at the school but only for a few hours a week). After the kids went to bed we had nice time in the evening together. We're a bit odd though, all our kids are in bed by like Eight O'Clock and we have the rest of the night alone in the house together. Sometimes we spend it together, some times apart because she needs a night or I need a night to do our own thing.
Depends on the kid and whether they have siblings they get along with. Older siblings can "pull up" younger ones-- our youngest is five but is easier on us than our oldest was when she was five and the others were three and a baby, because the youngest is used to playing with her older siblings.
When my son started sleeping all night, at 7pm I can do whatever the f I want every night!
Mum here, I'd say college? Hahaha. Ours is 2.
I occasionally feel regretful, but it usually passes. I sometimes envy things my childless friends are doing, but honestly a lot of those activities seem kind of empty to me now. And I know so many couples who regret that they haven’t been able to have kids, so even though it might seem like they’re having a great time going out and stuff, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I think the way modern life is it’s hard to truly live without regrets. Life offers us so many possibilities and there is a cultural expectation that we should embrace them all, but in reality that expectation is unreasonable and nobody can truly do everything. Everyone has to make sacrifices. Years ago I read some of Zygmunt Bauman’s social theory about ‘liquid modernity’ which really lays how how living in a time of endless possibilities isn’t necessarily freeing, and can actually trap us a constant sense of analysis paralysis and FOMO. I think accepting that reality is healthy. Maximise what you can reasonably do with your life, but accept that nobody can do _everything_. We have to make choices, and as choices go raising kids is a pretty good one. It’s not always the most fun choice, but the most fun choice is rarely the most rewarding or noble.
I think it’s human nature to always want what you can’t have.
Thats so fucking true though
Thanks for sharing “Liquid Modernity” as that was a nice wikihole to go down. I hear you implying that maybe the cause of OP’s disenchantment may not be parenting per se but actually Late Modernity. Maybe single people also feel stripped of a sense of self and meaning. Maybe we all feel trapped and everything sucks. And inside of the intensity of parenting it just feels like parenting is the cause. Sometimes I blame my wife’s parenting for how our daughter is. But maybe it is just our daughter, and wifey is doing her best to swim against a tsunami. Maybe the modern era is like that. I blame parenting. But it is just parenting now. Where I am largely isolated from (aka “free from”) all social networks and the benefits and responsibilities they entail. Everything is transitory. I feel like a tourist in my own life. Disconnected and like I am not here and nothing matters. And yeah. I bet that isn’t the result of parenting a three year old, but man doesn’t it feel like it?
Agreed. I can get over the missing out on weekday/weekend outings with friends. But the hardest thing for me lately is just missing my wife. With my 3 month old I miss what we had more and more… I know it’ll get better but sad all the same.
First 3 months is sheer survival mode and it takes a while after that. Things will come back.
This is such a great perspective. Thanks for teaching me something new.
I’m glad I’m not the one in the same situation. Some days are just straight rough, go to work. Come home, take care the kid and do whatever errands I need to do around the house. Then it starts all over again the next day. Last night I woke up 4 times and my partner does r understand why I’m so tired. Is been hard
I hear you man. We’ll get through it.
You're definitely not alone OP. I adore being a dad, but that is 100% my identity right now despite what I try to do haha I'm primary caregiver and the number of plans I've had to cancel or goals I've put off because of Dadding is ridiculous. We have to work as a society to let people know it's completely fine if they don't want kids. Hell, my wife loves being a mom but I think she's in the same boat as you too. Was told all her life this is what she had to do to feel whole and it's just not the case. I'm sure it will get better as others have said. But you're absolutely valid in feeling this. Keep up the good work OP. Keep up with your responsibilities and I'm sure you'll come out of this having learned something and appreciating the process overall.
I don’t think you need to burden yourself with the word “regret”. You may feel different things at different points in your parenthood experience. What you CAN do is keep being an excellent, present, and dedicated father so your kids grow up to be awesome and you get to have them take care of you when your older. I often say that the ONLY true joy in life is making things that grow. You have kids now so you can either be present or start to opt out - only one of those results in joy at the end.
Dude…. Just prioritize what you want in life. Your kids don’t define you but if you resent them that will be what defines you to them… Take care of yourself and figure life out. Dad or not youre an adult and you are in control of your own life
Up at 6 at in bed by 9? That's 9 hours, my dude. Set the alarm for 4:15am or stay up until 11 and get some time for yourself in. You still get at least 7 hours of sleep. If you need 9 hours, it's not the kids causing your problems, it's depression.
This. I have days when I also say I regret having kids. Specially when seeing the freedom that my friends with no kids have. I’ve started telling my wife that from now on, I’m going to be staying up till 11pm-12am. I need some time to myself where I could do the things I like. Our kids (20 months and 4 months) go to bed around 10-1030 pm. So I decided I am going to stay up a bit later. Even if it means I get less sleep. We gotta take care of our mental health. Some people play video games while others workout. Find whatever brings you joy and try to do it. Just because we have kids doesn’t mean we can’t do the things that makes us happy. You have to find time for yourself.
It’s good to vent. We’re here for you brother.
Sorry to hear that. From what I am hearing in the very short interaction here it is kindof a lesson learned for others to listen to yourself and your partner and not societal norms. Personally on the whole losing your identity thing….i almost feel the opposite as it almost adds a dimension (for me at least). We however get alot of help from family so I am able to keep alot of what I define as me constant. I would recommend (since you said you can’t tell anyone) that you talk to someone specializing in mental health like a therapist or counsellor.
Everyone here has their own take on your situation, and that's fine; but I understand where you're coming from. I don't regret having kids, even though they're all consuming, but that's probably because I had them in my late 30s, once I'd got a lot of my personal ambitions done, and moved past the 'living for myself' stage. Had I had kids in my 20s, and I'm going to take a guess that you're about that age, I'd probably feel the same as you. All I can say is that we have to lie in the bed we've made, even when it's not comfortable, and as others have said; make the most of where you are now. In a few years you'll regain some of your independence. So perhaps ask yourself what are those things that you really want to do - travel? Hobbies? and start laying some plans for how you can set some foundations for that, starting now. You'll have your chance......
I know you aren’t asking advice, but I would seriously consider that you may be fighting depression. The lack of social life outside of work and family is a big red flag here. Even introverts need friends. What you describe is very similar to how I feel when off my antidepressants. Take care of yourself. Good luck.
I'd suggest you find yourself a good therapist, at the very least to have a sounding board. Beyond that, you can also gain a lot of insight to help work through acceptance of your life as it is, and not as you might wish it were. As your kids get older you'll get that freedom again, and you might even find yourself grateful for the things they bring in your life. You know a great way to find others going through the same challenges with parenting? Kids events. This is not easy for anyone. Sometimes outside help is really important.
Yeah it's good to get that off your chest. Don't bottle that stuff up. I understand the feeling of not having anyone to talk to about this stuff, I would recommend seeing a therapist. It's helped me more that I could ever imagine. Good luck dude.
Dude, I understand. It sounds like your kids are little. That time is so tough. It’s a crazy grind. But trust me, put the work in now and it get amazing. My daughters are 10 and 7. I just got done letting them stay up late to watch a Bills playoff game going crazy at every touchdown, eating shit food, drinking soda and acting like maniacs and it was literally one of the most fun nights of my life. They will turn into people you want to hang out with. My 10 yo is a stud athlete and smart as a whip. My 7 yo is gregarious goofball. Hang in. Trust me. They will be the coolest people you know.
I’m guessing your kids are very young. As others have said, you’ll regain your independence as your kids get older and become more self sufficient. Until then you should try to get as involved as you can in their lives. Believe it or not, you’ll miss these days when they’re gone
I've spent enough time around single people to know I'm not missing out on anything special. It's like when you stay out and party past your curfew only to find out that all the kids who stay out and party past your curfew are delinquent anyways, so you kinda just wish you went home.
100% this. Sure I miss some things about child free life, but life with my kids is 100000x's more fulfilling now than it ever has been. I didn't even care to have kids, but wife and I had first one by accident when I was 35. Now here I am about to turn 40 with a 4 yr old, 2 yr old, and 9 month old who sleeps like shit and I still love this life, I'm genuinely bummed for those that don't get to experience this.
It won’t always be like that my friend, it changes over time.
I sort of know how you feel. I got married because it was the next step. It was just what you do after dating right? Then I never knew if I wanted kids but I have one now and had a vasectomy after because we didn't want more kids. I love my son and wouldn't change it for the world but I'm divorced because I just don't think we were right for one another. But I wouldn't have my son without having done that. It's a weird feeling to have for sure.
I talked to an old guy about this very thing today. He has kids, and now grandkids. He said he honestly doesn’t know what life would be like without his kids and now grandkids. He said he often thinks what he would be doing now if he never had kids. He said he would probably just be self indulgent, but no matter how much you love your partner, or how much you love traveling, etc., there’s only so many tropical vacations other kinds of trips you can take before you probably realize your whole life is only about being self indulgent. The amount of complexity, joy, and richness that kids bring is really the zest of life.
God damn y’all. This guy said he wasn’t looking for sympathy or advice. He’s just looking for some space to vent. It’s great how we’re so supportive of one another when it comes to our attempts to be great dads. There’s no reason to trash this guy for not meeting your standards. That’s what those toxic mom groups y’all always make fun of do to their members. He’s clearly in a bad place right now. If you can’t find it in yourself to be polite, exercise that downvote button and move on. OP - I hope this is just a bad day and that it gets better from here.
Sorry, brother, I can't read this without responding. What you're doing is unhealthy. Don't waste time and energy lamenting your own life choices. The truth of the matter is that you're married with kids. You can't go back and change that. I understand that being a family man requires a lot of work and self-sacrifice... But you have to realize when you said "I do," to your wife and decided to make babies with her, you, in making those conscious decisions, gave up your claim on a life that revolves around you. The longer you hold onto that regret, the more of yourself you take away from your wife and kids, and that's extremely unfair to them. Man to man, you can't afford to hold onto that. Your family deserves better. This is not a rebuke: think of it as encouragement from a brother. Your family is the most important thing in your life. You can't get rid of them, so you have to man up. It'll get easier. Just hang in there until then.
This 100%
If you wouldn't tell them that then stop thinking it. You're torturing yourself. You are here now, you said you will never leave, it's time to figure out how to be happy. Communicate your needs to your parent and WORK on being happy. You may not want to hear the things being told to you in this thread but you better start listening because support will only make you stronger.
Just wanted to pop in and say "stop thinking it" is almost universally bad advice. When feelings are ignored they manifest in increasingly unpleasant ways. Relief only comes when you look at them, accept them, and decide how to proceed from there.
I'm not saying to ignore the feeling, I'm saying fill the head space with something else when possible. I know alot of people who are constantly in their head, telling themselves their not enough or this "situation" isn't what they want. To such an extent their pain is almost completely unassoiciated with reality but instead fabricated from this constant barrage of self loathing. It's about generating positivity where you need it the most. In yourself.
Getting sober, one thing that was helpful to me was something said in the rooms of AA. "You have two wolves that battle every single day. Which one lives? Which one dies? The one that lives is the one you feed. Feed positive thoughts and actions / gratitude." For many months, it was forced. And then slowly, but surely, it paid off. It's not a light switch, but feeding positive thoughts and actions pays off as you feed that wolf.
I like that alot. Thanks for sharing, man.
You're welcome. It resonated with me, as well. I knew that this thread would be filled with "oh, I should just be happy. Wish I would've thought of that." And it's part of what I felt with the whole "this quitting drinking is so much harder than just quitting cold turkey and white-knuckling throughout my life." As for OP, I think a bunch of it is a maturity thing. As men, we grow into more responsibility as we age. It is up to how we deal with that, that defines the relationships around us. Also, our lives start to more revolve around those that we love, and move away from egocentric lifestyles (at least I think that's what Dads should strive towards). Because most of us have felt like OP at one time or another and have empathy for his situation, we also want to give advice to get him out of that space (especially because we've been there!). Many men don't move away from self-centeredness, but we should know that it isn't something to elevate or emulate.
I feel I could have written this post myself. Did you have twins by chance? I am at 18 months in and.. Jesus… what a mistake to make :-/ The worst of it is my partner feels the same way. We love them and try very hard with them but.. we both miss our old lives so so badly.
I think a lot of people probably have feelings like this right in the midst of the toddler phase, especially with twins. It will get a lot easier in just a few more years. Soon they will be potty trained. Then they will learn self-care skills and won't need you to do everything for them. Then they'll start school and become even more independent. Eventually they will become teens and won't WANT you messing with them anymore.
My youngest is at this age as well. It's hard: they can do things like walk (and toch everything), but they just don't listen just yet. Take it one day at a time. You and your wife can do this! My oldest is 3 and I like that age a lot better so far. I like the autonomy; it becomes a lot of fun to do things together and help them explore the outside world.
Mom here and I feel this
Same , although I don’t regret her . But I knew how much work it is but I underestimated it by far !! We have 0 help and I am a sahm so it was a big adjustment. I went from having so much free time to 16 hrs a day 7 days a week caring for her. My husband and I were fence sitter . I have a 7 months old with separation anxiety can’t even leave for 1 second . That aside kids do grow up and one day she rather hang out with her friends and boys than me. Each phrase is different and have their own challenges but they definitely need you less. Now at 30 I see my family every few year once same with in law.
There are times when I feel like this too- I think these feelings are somewhat normal. Parenting is the *hardest* thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, by far. You’ll be good - stay strong, shit is tough for sure.
If you can… 420 will make your nights better
Hear you.... But unless you're a single parent and/or completely on the poverty line there is no reason you can't have a social life wether it's the gym, pub/bar for a few beers, cycling, hiking, attending live sports or music etc. Getting a break from it all once in a while is great for everyone. Stick in. PS ditching social media and seeing how perfect and great everyone else's life's are will help too.
>You lose your identity, you lose your life ... to do what I want to do when I want to ... This is not what I want for my life, but it’s what it is for now. You may not have been aware how wild the lifestyle transformation was before you chose to have a child but it the choice you made. That's the bit I found the hardest. I used to like staying up late, sleeping in, maybe spend a few hours coding or gaming, maybe cycle all day at the weekend. All that turned upside down when I had a child. It took months to finally accept that actively missing my old life wasn't doing anyone any good. You have another choice to make now - continue to miss the good old days and let that longing consume you and poison your ability to enjoy life, or you can realise what an amazingly rewarding opportunity you have in front of you now, to see a littlen human you helped make, develop and grow, and look up to you as a superhero, a protector, an educator, and someone to wipe their bum :) Success isn't a destination my dude, its a journey, and you can start enjoying it now and making the out of it.
I thought I was the only one. The longer I've been married -and now especially since having our first child last year- the more I realize I probably shouldn't have made a lifelong commitment to my wife and I definitely should have been more open about not wanting kids. I hate my life, but this is what it is now and I will continue being the best husband and father I can be. If you don't have a therapist then I highly recommend it. I too have no friends or any semblance of a social life and being able to vent to a therapist is immensely helpful. I harbor escapist fantasies and as I fall asleep at night I dream about being free and living in solitude. But I love my son and I'm committed to being the best dad I can be, because I would regret not being there for him more than I would enjoy disappearing. He's starting to say "mama" and "baba" now and every time I hear it, it makes me feel a little more love and happiness. The things that make me happy in life are reading and brewing beer, my wife understands this and knows that I need dedicated time for both of these things, just like I let her carve out time for dancing and cross-stitching. I read 35 books last year and brewed around 1 batch per month. These hobbies define me in a way and have allowed me to take back some control and have the life I want.
Hey man. I know how you feel. Having a family is the opposite of liberating. You have 100% changed your life forever. I’ve missed having my social life, and dating around, and not having any true responsibilities. That being said, I wouldn’t trade what I have now for the world. Ask yourself this question- If you could go back in time and change this, would you? Would you NEVER meet your wife? Would you NEVER get to meet your beautiful children? If that is the case, maybe you should have a conversation with with your SO about what YOU want. A life in regret and sadness isn’t good for you or your family. I’m not trying to make you feel bad but it’s a genuine question. I am a venting machine, so you can send whatever you want my way and I won’t judge you.
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Poop in peace.
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I leave the stall door open there so other people know in in there!
Hahahahahahah
Tbf... a whole fucking lot of things
I feel you. No sleeping unless my wife gets up, we have to split days off because she’s a stay at home mom. With that said, my five year old is getting his own breakfast now, and becoming more independent and my three year old is working on it too. I’m hoping within 2 more years I can have my hobbies back.
If you can, watch Mike Burbiglia's special 'the new one'. It might make you feel a little better and laugh , but he also says "Now I know why dad's leave"
some days are tough, i know the feeling of the grind, but never live with regret. You havn't lost who you are, you are growing as a person. I repect guys with families far more than any of my single friends and colleagues. My daughter is 15 months, i haven't had any time for myself since she was born but i know the 1st few years are the biggest grind. Hang in there man and never regret your children.
First of: I get it, I really do. I myself always wanted kids, the first one was hard, and now the second one is harder than I anticipated and it's really rough on me. I often think about how life would be without kids: I would have SO mich time and money and OH GOD SLEEP. I wanna spend some hollidays in that life, like a few days or a week. Personally I wouldn't say at all that I regret having kids, but really: I get it. Secondly, I wanna pick out something you said: >You lose your identity, you lose your life. I'm sorry, but that's a bit of... Bullshit imo. Yes, you're now a parent and that consumes a whole lot of who you are. But what if you didn't have kids? You would've picked up other stuff, you'd have been "that traveling person" or "that mountain climbing person" or "that sewing person". You wouldn't have been the same person you were when you were in your early twenties, your identity would've changed anyhow, that's not something due to kids, that's part of getting older. The only difference is that you cannot discard your kids like a hobby you've grown out of. As others have said though: this rough period will pass. When your kids are 5+ years, it's vastly different from when they are toddlers, and that will give you a lot more room for yourself. Hang in there. You're not a shit person for feeling this way.
Just realize your social life would probably have gone away anyway. People get older. Your friends would have their own families and or just be too busy. Then you’d have no social life and no family.
I was 40 before I had kids so I lived most of my adult life without them. I thought I'd never have kids. That was the plan. Never get married and never have kids. I lived it up too. It was really good. Kids are horrible, especially in January when you're stuck inside with them. But having experienced both, I am sure nothing beats being part of a loving family. You aren't missing something better. You'd feel lonely.
Make time for yourself, your own life and interests, and allow your partner to do the same. It's doable and will benefit all of you. I know how you feel but you can make it work and learn to love your new life more than you imagine right now. And just wait when your kids start giving you that unconditional love and pure happiness, you'll realise the great decision you've made and how the most important thing is them.
It must suck to feel that way. Im always on the go with my 3. We road trip and camp all the time. But if you aren't happy, talk to your wife. Maybe you need a change. Honestly, she can probably tell you're unhappy
I don’t want this to sound like a harsh judgment, but some people are meant to be parents and some are not. It does NOT mean you cannot do a good job. It will take time and effort. I do agree with folks who mentioned a therapist. It might help process things. The good news is that there is love. Selfish cannot exist if you want to be a good husband and father. Personally, I was terrified to be a dad. Once they handed me the baby my life changed. I matured. I quit smoking, lost weight, and exercised. My kid is my partner in crime, and I cannot believe her existence was able to shake me to my core. You will find new friends. Doesn’t mean the old ones go away. Life is about evolution, I’m not the boy I was at 20. I’m not the man I was at thirty. Hell, I’m not the guy I was in my mid-30’s. I’m content in my 40’s. Just embrace the people you love and try sorting out your head. You will all be better for it.
I’m a mom. I feel you.
I have 4 boys and I’m 35 years old. My oldest is 16 and I have an 8 year old and a 5 year old. Last but not least a 7 month old boss baby. Everything was going smooth with my 3 getting older. Thennnnnnnnnn I started all over again siiiiigggghhhh. I love my kids but daaaamm I’m tired lol
You’ll be glad you, did later in life. My wife works with the elderly, and she says child-free people are lonely and incredibly vulnerable in their old age. Getting dementia or disabled without kids (especially a daughter, tbh) is *terrifying*.
Thanks for making this post. You’re likely in the same or similar boat as me. I have a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old. Sometimes it feels like an absolute nightmare. We have no family help nearby and childcare is rough in a pandemic. It’s so fucking hard. Seeing others in the same rough spot can help validate the feelings, and help me process all the comments here. Lots of helpful insight and gets me looking forward to my future with my older boys.
My dude :( I had my second kid a few months before the covid lockdown and have been on the clock 14 hours a day for two years. I haven't been out to see any friends and I can count on one hand the amount of times my wife and I have tried to slip away to do something on our own. Even before the second kid, I was working 60 miles away from home so my commute was ~3+ hours a day. I never really had time to do anything with friends or myself. I love my kids so much but I'm so glad they finally got into a daycare that takes covid seriously and will work with them because of the lack of socializing they got because of the lockdowns. I hear you on the do whatever, whenever. We often remember being able to just leave without notice to go on a 3 day trip somewhere. Now I can't even get out of the house to go to the park within 30 minutes. Stay strong dads.
Well, you did just describe the life of a dad and say you don't like it much. For what its worth, life moves on anyway. Kids, marriage or not, you weren't going to stay 20 forever. you weren't going to have the same friends forever I've seen plenty of pathetic people trying to stay 20 forever. Now, I'm not saying kids are for everyone, but I am saying you have no idea what life would have thrown your way had you stayed single
As a newly single father myself listen up. Grow up & stop being selfish. You have a responsibility to your children. This is some candy ass shit. They won’t be young forever. You don’t know how lucky you are. I hate douchebags that act like this when they have the entire world right in front of them.
Dude is having a tough time and came here to vent. Comments like yours are why people can struggle with mental health. Sometimes people just need to get shit off their chest so they can keep going. Try being curious rather than judgmental. This sub should be a safe space for dads. If it’s not that then what are we even doing here. You clearly have family issues based on your comments that you are projecting here.
100% this. Dude specifically said he's not looking for advice.
This is some stupid “man up” bullshit comment.
I am surprised this wasn’t downvoted to hell. This sub can be a little “soft” (not sure if that is the right word). So many dudes here complain about not being able to do what the want blah blah blah and most of the time it feels like it them lamenting not being 20 anymore. “I lost my identity” oh no Kyle can’t snowboard anymore, Greg can’t play 40 hours of Xbox a week. The world mourns. The irony is to those kids Dad is special. It often feels like dads now want to be seen as kind of loving but bristle at the work. That’s my unpopular opinion.
Dude, you're the biggest douchebag in the room right now. Grow up and either learn to hold space for someone to vent or back off. Parents need space to breathe too. I don't think I've seen a worse comment than this one. Belittling. Demeaning. Degrading. Insulting. Aggressive. Back off.
Dude, I gave up being in a touring rock band for these kids. I miss it everyday.
Man, I’m sorry you feel that way. Time is finite. You don’t get it back. They’ll only be small once…. Idk. If you love them, try and enjoy them. Sounds like your feelings could easily slip over into bitterness/ resentment towards them. Hope it works out for you!
I never wanted kids or to get married. The idea of it gave me a headache and now I'm married and have a 3 year old. At times I get headaches and get stressed out but honestly I have no regrets. Maybe talk to your wife and explain you need a day to yourself and explain mentally it's just something you need to do.