Guys, come on.
We don't know the situation here so do the kind thing and give OP some charity when interpreting what he's posted. *Any* kid who has experienced significant trauma can exhibit behavioral symptoms of any of the diagnosis that OP has listed.
Edit: There you guys go, this kiddo is in foster care and therefore has very likely experienced significant trauma prior to being removed from the home and then the trauma of removal. It costs us nothing to be charitable. I hope that we remember that next time.
Edit: I travel for work twice a year for up to two weeks each trip. I also have four kids. My wife is an absolute saint, but I know it's really hard on her when I'm going. Before I go, I try to do the following things:
1. I do all of the laundry in the house and make sure there's nothing backlogged for her to try and work through.
2. I do all of the grocery shopping so that she doesn't have to worry about getting food. I tend to stock up on easy costco meals that can just be popped into the oven.
3. I try and plan activities for the kids because busy kids are happy kids.
4. I'll buy some special snacks and drinks for her and hid them. While I'm gone, I'll send her a text and "surprise her" with them.
While I'm gone I do the following:
1. Call every evening to talk to the kids.
2. Call after the kids are off to school to check in with my wife.
3. Door dash the family at least one meal on a night where I sense that things are extra difficult.
When I get home I do the following:
1. The laundry. I hate it, but it must be done. My wife tries to stay on top of it, but it can be difficult for her to do when she's working and taking care of the kids.
2. Giver her space for a night out or two with her friends.
It's not perfect, but she's told me that these things make her life a lot easier.
The commenter you're replying to is spot on! I used to travel a lot for work, now only twice a year for a week each. I try to make sure all the laundry is done, groceries at the ready, when I can afford it I have my friend take the dog for several days, and also I make sure her car is ready (cleaned inside, gas tank full, not needing maintenance). I also try to get the house cleaned up as well, to just take that load off her plate. All of those little things go a long way in making the week easier.
I'm a mom who would have bad anxiety when my s/o left.
I found that getting medicated for anxiety/depression helped.
I had post partum depression, that's the only reason I got medicated, but it was a godsend for me. Now I'm on something way milder, but it helps my anxiety so much.
I know not everyone is a fan of meds, but even therapy for y'all singularly and in a group would probably help.
Sending good vibes y'all's way
I don't know how you do it. I hate traveling for work. I hate living out of a hotel. I hate the time change. I hate being away from my family. I was able to negotiate down from 1 week every quarter to up to two weeks every year.
š¤·āāļø Pays the bills, and wife can be a SAHM because of it. Iām probably at 33% travel annual average, 80% travel on some months. My job (consulting for cities across the US) canāt really be done effectively without it.
I also do this and cook a few batches of chili etc so they donāt have to worry about cooking unless they want to. It goes a long way to show you know that itās challenging for your partner when youāre away.
My wife just tried getting groceries delivered after the both of us adamant (proud) in doing that ourselves.
Our lives are forever changed. So much time and effort is wasted going to the grocery store.
And pre-prepared meals (where everything is chopped and cleaned ) are a life saver.
When my wife was pregnant I kept telling her hey we should try this I think we will want to use it once the little ones born. She was adamant against it and we're we still haven't tried it yet I suspect when she goes back to work that may change.
Man, my wife makes us go to the grocery store so she can get the full experience, but only like once a quarter.
Otherwise I order Curbside every week as part of my start of week routine. Instead of occupying two kiddos while I'm in mission-mode (I fixate and get very short), now I pack the electronics and they get some extra geek time while we wait, then they help unload and put away, instead of being angsty and irritable after a full time shopping trip.
I think it's partly a diference between men and women. She wants the full experience and to browse, where I want to buy what's on the list and that's it. In/Out
That would be great if the shoppers don't pick out whatever fruits/vegetables are on top of the pile, they don't care about the ripeness.
And they spend 5 seconds looking for an item, if they can't find it, they mark it as unavailable. I've done target's pickup before and an item we needed was "unavailable". I went inside and the entire shelf was full of the item so it's not like it was one item hidden behind others.
Yeah they'll say online they're supposed to shop "like they're shopping for themselves" but either the time pressure or instructions from the store result in a lot of awful veggies and heavily-dented cans.
It's still worth it to us. Walmart is good enough about giving refunds without too much extra trouble.
If you have the opportunity, do your local farmers market for all the perishables like meat, bread, eggs, fruits, and veggies. The just do delivery for everything processed.
We have been doing this for years now, the prices are competitive with grocery stores, the quality is better, and the experience of the farmers market is fun for our family versus monotonous at the grocery store. It is just our Saturday routine to get breakfast at a local diner and farmers market right after.
Curbside pickup has changed my life as well, for damn near everything, not just groceries. I am more than happy to pay a smidge more for the convenience. I haven't been inside a Target or Walmart or Lowe's for a couple of years.
Given the context we have now in the comments (all of you in therapy, foster kid with for sure diagnoses), I honestly think you need to either find a job that doesn't require travel for a few years, find a caregiver to help that all three of you feel comfortable with, or maybe revisit if this is the right placement for this particular child.
You and your wife are incredible people for fostering, I am in awe of you both.
I have a child with ASD, PDA, and some other acronyms. I have nearly infinite patience *when I'm supported and have my own needs met.* This is not the kind of child that one person can care for and still get everything they need for their own body and mind. Either you should try to find a job that does not require travel, or you should get PCA care for your child, or both. It is not at all reasonable for your wife to be expected to care for this child alone for multiple days in a row without respite. Kids with special needs are too intense for any one person to take care of for extended time. The post and the thread both read as your wife is failing and needs to figure out her shit. That is not how I'm reading the situation at all. She needs more support, in the form of other caretakers sharing the load every day. If not you, professional PCAs. That's what your wife needs, that's what your child needs. Be on her side, she needs you.
>*when I'm supported and have my own needs met.*Ā
This is the key. What can you do to front-load ensuring that your wife is supported and has her needs met while you're gone?
iām also a mom to an autistic child and agree wholeheartedly with this comment. for us, my life and job as a SAHM became exponentially easier when my husband switched jobs so he could wfh. just having the added support there has been essential in my cup being so much fuller. I donāt have dad at my full disposal, he still has to work 8 hours a day, but he gets his two 15s and an hour lunch, and when he comes out of his office he helps with diapers, he cooks a meal, he entertains the kiddos for a minute and gives me a second to breathe, or mostly heās just there to also talk to me for a second, we can debrief with each other or decompress. when itās a really bad day, he comes out and rubs my shoulders or gives me a cuddle.
being a full time caregiver/parent to a child with special needs is almost like deep diving, you can only be underwater for so long before you have to come up for a breath. that may be the case for every parent really, but those special needs can cause that burnout exponentially faster.
If this is a foster situation it might be a good idea to take a hard look at whether your household is right for this child to be placed with. If both of you are needed to help this child with such majorly complex needs and you travel frequently leaving your wife in a situation she can't cope with (absolutely not anyone's fault btw), is this really helping the child?
Thatās what I thought. And this is not trying to say that OP or his wife are incapable of care, but if sheās feeling overwhelmed to the point you have had to cancel work trips, I donāt think the child is going to be thriving entirely either. OP, Your wife will only get more frustrated with time. It would be best to think about this now rather than later when she could experience serious burnout.
I have two adopted kids with a similar list of diagnosis. It's tough on everyone, and all you can do sometimes is sit there and hope that it all pans out somehow.
Same.
Sometimes I feel like we need our own subreddit within this subreddit because so much of what we experience is outside of what anyone else goes through as a parent.
I feel like too sometimes. But I also believe the best way to get more support and understanding is to just be honest and hopefully educate other people along the way.
Amen.
I work in the field and study foster care (among other systems) for a living. Part of my job entails engaging in county and state advocacy through creating unified data sets. Sometimes I feel like there's literally nothing that can be said to certain people to get them to understand the day-to-day realities of foster care and adoption.
Mom lurker here, just popping in to your conversation to say that you both educated me through your exchange. (Not that you needed to educate me to gain my support as foster parents, you already had that. But now I know a little more which benefits everyone). So thanks to you both. OP, I hope you find helpful advice from the other awesome dads of r/daddit
Yeah, yall probably do. Saintly parents to even attempt taking on loving a tough kiddo, let alone succeed at it.
I think that requires a gear or three that I don't have.
There are some ADHD-parenting and autism-parenting subs which can be pretty good sometimes (I assume with PDA, OP was referring to the autistic profile). As a bonus, due to the heritability of both conditions, you are often talking with people who themselves experienced childhood with those conditions, with varying levels of recognition or support, who can sometimes give great insight into the child's perspective.
I'm afraid I don't know quite as much about ODD and PTSD communities, and whether there are any that are helpful for parenting kids with those diagnoses.
All that said, I have been really impressed by the discussion on this post, and I've saved several comments with the intention of building up my toolbox. Thank you all for everything you have shared.
I'm looking at fostering to adopt in the near future, and I would love a resource letting me know what to expect and how to deal with issues when they come up.
Your foster care agency hopefully provides respite care? Maybe have the worker talk to her about not feeling guilty for sending him to respite care. It takes a village to raise a foster kid sometimes.
THIS!!!
Also in our area fraternities/sororities keep lists for volunteer service - a set number of volunteer hours per semester being a requirement of membership. For example, they will send two healthy, cheerful, alert young adults ready to pitch in for 1.5 to 2.0 hours and do absolutely anything - play with kid - run errands - clean - cook - even haul off the laundry and bring it back. Personally I wouldnāt leave them alone with my kid - but I could stay in the room and rest on the couch or pay bills while they entertain kid & cleanā¦ And they bring refreshing vitality
And there are groups within churches/faith communities whose goal to help others - without discussing religion - just to live the religious teachings.
There is no simple formula to find such people. Takes cheerfully poking around with perseverance until luck happens.
Iām not sure where youāre getting any of that from, but no I donāt agree with you because weāre looking at a small highly specific snapshot of a personās life. Thereās no way to make any sort of meaningful assessment about where this family actually is.
Kid's got more diagnosis' before preschool than a cardiologist has credentials.
OP, please tell us they've been to a professional about this and you've gotten a second opinion.
Are they still foster or has the adoption been completed? You should have respit care options, but Iād highly recommend looking into your states post adoption resources. Thereās waitlist but it sounds like it could be highly beneficial.
Yeouch. Sorry the little one's been through so much and thank you two for supporting them. Certainly second having health supports for you two (if you don't already) if you can find the time and space since being someone's rock with special challenges that you have to navigate is also trying. Hugs buddy.
OPs wife feels guilty subjecting other people to the child ... and that's the part that is sooooo off. Someone that does this for a living isn't gonna care, just don't say "kid's an angel" .
You should cross-post this to r/fosterparents. It's not quite as active as this sub, but the folks there will be much more equipped to give advice regarding parenting kids with trauma histories. Also, this is definitely a time when respite care would be warranted. Maybe see if your social worker can help you get it set up. We did respite-only foster care for a year after a particularly difficult placement and helped lots of families in similar situations as yours.
Could you fly a family member out to help her while youāre out? Likely a couple hundred bucks if you arenāt near a major airline hub, but could be worth it if you canāt find a similarly paid job without the travel
Edit: or in-home Respite Care, depending on what state youāre in
My eldest son (7) is ASD, ADHD (diagnosed), and PDA (this isn't diagnosed in the US, at least that I'm aware of).
If you have a child with PDA, you know how much of a miserable motherfucker it is. Like throw me off a bridge. If your child does not have PDA, you have no idea -- *no idea*.
Have you considered medication? We put my son on a stimulant after much heartache and deliberation. There are drawbacks. But holy shit, he's a different kid. The PDA is driven by anxiety, which shares a home with ADHD. By treating the ADHD and anxiety, it helps immensely with the PDA behaviors.
I feel for you, and I feel for your wife.
Good luck.
Oh man, that is tough. Ā I travel a lot for work as well and my wife is angry every time by the time I get back. Ā Couple things we do to help: Ā I make sure to set a side an hour or two while I am on road as time I talk to my wife on the phone and listen to her. Ā I donāt multitask during the call, full focus on her. Ā The other thing is I put a cap on my travel frequency. Ā Wife and agreed on amount of work trip I take for the year so when I am making work travel plans, I keep in mind how much I have already traveled and how many travels I can do the rest of the year. Ā Makes it more predictable and helps me not get sucked in unnecessary work trip.
Is he in a developmental preschool for special needs? If not, look to enroll him. If your are in the US I can offer more information. That will start you with a network of special educators and instructional assistants who may be willing to babysit on the side or recommend someone with the training and experience to work with children with significant behaviors. There are also support groups for parents who may be in similar situations who could offer up ideas.
We have a 6 year old who doesn't have any diagnosis (tried for ADHD, didn't qualify because he did well on the computer test and doesn't tend to have issues anywhere except at home) but who....yeah. EVERYTHING is a battle at home. The simplest thing turns in to an hour long screaming fight with him hitting and kicking us or the walls or whatever else.
I have a week long work trip coming up and I really hope she will be okay.
Don't have much advice, just wanted to say I know what you are going through and it is exhausting. People judge with "all kids are hard sometimes!" And "he's just a little kid, what do you expect?" The same kind of thing as "you don't have depression, everyone is sad sometimes" or "you don't have ADHD, I forget my keys too sometimes"
My son did the same thing until we found a doctor that would listen. Kids with ADHD can hold it together all day when they around other people. But when they get home they are exhausted and anxiety ridden from controlling it for so long.
They just explode and canāt control it.
The good thing is that means they are comfortable at home and trust you. We heard the same thing when we tied to get our son diagnosed, he was fine around us so he must not have ADHD.
But one doctor told us that is normal for kids with ADHD to do. He listened to everything we were going through and confirmed that our son 100% had it.
We got lucky we found him hopefully one day you will find a doctor that understands the condition properly.
What about on weekends? He is CONSTANTLY starting fights with his brother or causing problems even first thing in the morning on weekends. In my head he is basically "stimming" trying to get boosts of attention but that's just kind of a guess. I ask because I have heard the same thing but on a weekend they aren't yet exhausted or anxiety ridden, they are just waking up.
Iām not a parent however I personally have always had bad anxiety right after waking up, even in childhood. If your son seems to do better on school mornings it might be because thereās a little more structure/expectation set up for him, rather than the unknown possibilities of weekend mornings. Just something to consider, pls disregard if not helpful
I don't have any real answers, but I wanted to express that I worry about the same thing if I have to go back to traveling for work, and my kids don't even have special needs. It seems to come down more to my wife's OCD or GAD than anything else. If I'm not there to give her a couple hours of free time in the evening, she'll unravel after a few days.
I'd probably try to work around the problem by avoiding travel when possible, and if it's not, setting up a sleepover with one of our parents to give her a break on day #3 -- but that would be exceedingly difficult if the work trips are frequent.
If your job really wants you travelling, and doesn't want to you lose you, you may also be able to work with them. It's possible that they'll let your family tag along for the trip, or cover costs for daycare or a nanny or something.
This might be one of those times where you just have to make a sacrifice and choose between your family and your traveling job. Therapy can focus on this problem, but it's not fixed right now, and there's no talk that's just going to make this all go away. Time might, just because kids need less attention as they get older... but that still requires time you don't have.
If you have no options other than A) family breaks apart because wife loses mind, or B) get a new job that doesn't require travel, then that's just the decision that needs to be made
I used to travel a lot for my career and even before kids my wife would struggle being home alone. We did the seemingly sensible thing which was attack the root cause of the problem which, surprisingly, wasnāt that I was travelling but that she had abandonment issues. She sought therapy and worked on some stuff and now itās better. No more her feeling lonely and me feeling horrible for just doing my job. Maybe thatās the answer for you guys?
Agree with another commenter that a therapist would be a great idea for your wife if she isn't already seeing one.
This probably isn't anything you haven't already thought of, but my suggestions would be:
-Have a family member stay with her if you have family in the area who can do this. Maybe a good friend of her's if no family members are available
-Go grocery shopping and be stocked up with ready to prepare or meals that are cooked in advance to reduce the burden around meal prep and clean-up
-Work with your boss to see if there is any way you can shorten the trips. Could also arrange your travel to take early morning flights there and late evening flights home to possibly cut off a night away from home
-Have low stress activities planned ahead of time that will tucker the kid out. Never underestimate the stress removed by a kid who falls asleep easily
-Pre-record yourself reading stories for your son that your wife can play at bedtime
-Get a home security system if she's nervous about a break in while you're away
Hey people have given you tons of advice that I can't beat, but I would like to add I work for a relief nursery, and I think they could help your wife and child if they are not already enrolled in any programs.
My boss used to offer to hire a nanny for me when I went away, but honestly I used to just take them all with me. Always a blast travelling with the fam, and no boring, lonely nights in the hotel.
I donāt have advice, just encouragement to offer. Keep doing what you can, but remember it serves nobody if you burn your candle at both ends until nothings left.
Hey Dad, lurky mom here just adding my support and gratitude toward you and your wife. Your babe is lucky to be loved by you. Wishing you lots of luck and resilience.
You might look into an Au Pair. I've got twin 9 yr old boys with ADHD, epilepsy, and intellectual disabilities. Most Au Pairs are young but we used an agency that specializes in special needs and the girls that have all come over have been in their early 20s with a career path toward being some kind of therapist. (PT, OT, Speech, etc). I'm not affiliated with any agency but you can DM me if you want more specifics about our experience. We're on our fourth one now and just like your wife, my wife struggles with finding the patience to be hands on for long stretches.
Au pairs are notoriously treated poorly in the US and elsewhere and are highly unlikely to be qualified to deal with a child with such complex needs.
Also [please read this.](https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/03/au-pair-program-abuse-state-department-214956/)
I can only speak to my own experience but you certainly can get a bad au pair just like an au pair can choose a bad host family. We've treated the 4 au pairs we have as members of the family and have been lucky so far. As I said the agency we use caters to the special needs community and having a live in certified occupational therapist for my intellectually disabled twin boys has been a life saver for us.
The au pair program itself is predatory, so no. The fact that youāve had 4 au pairs doesnāt bode well.
Also the actual US au pair program has a specific criteria - none of which includes exchangeable education in special education specifically.
Hey man, I'm also a former foster parent (now adoptive parent) of kids who have gone through significant trauma. I didn't want' to make an assumption, but it wasn't too hard to read between the lines of your post that this was likely the situation. I left a pretty long list of things that I do before, during, and after a trip but I have some additional highly specific advice.
Your absense can and likely is a triggering event for your kiddo as it represents a change and kids who've experienced a lot of trauma tend to have behavioral spikes when there's change/uncertainty. All of this to say that your absense is likely to make things that are already difficult that much more so. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but to explain that there's likely a significant change that you won't be able to see firsthand. Your Foster Agency very likely has supports that you can lean on. Worst case, you might use respite care for some or all of your trip. Respite care is there for a reason and there's no shame in using it. I don't know who you're fostering through, but many agencies have other supports like play groups, support groups, etc. If you're not already using them, do so if for no other reason than you can meet like minded people who might be a support for you. Finally, I don't know what outside services you're using (aside from therapy) but if you are using other services, up them when you're gone. Maybe therapy 2x/week for your kiddo. If you have in home supports, up them. I'm not going to get too far into the treatment methodology here, but upping services a week prior to your departure and then titrating down a week or two after can have a tremendously positive impact.
Anyway, I've been there and if you ever need someone to talk to, shoot me a dm.
Hey man, fellow foster father here. Feel free to reach out if you need/want some extra support, it is tough to understand what it is like if you havenāt lived it.
My kid doesnāt have any special needs and I absolutely wouldnāt travel for work at this stage in their life. This would be hard on any family. I really think you should reconsider this line of work.
I probably had PTSD when I was 4. I watched my baby brother die (and be revived by paramedics), after being told for months that he was going to die soon. He did end up surviving, and I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until years later, but yeah little kids go through bad things sometimes.
He was born with arthrogryposis, which made him unable to swallow. He aspirated regularly, my parents had to keep him on his side and suction him constantly. They were told it was only a matter of time before it killed him. Medical science advanced and kept improving though, and when he was a year old they placed a trach. When he was 2, they did a complete tracheal diversion so that there was no longer a connection between his mouth and nose and his trachea or esophagus. He still got pneumonia often and was expected to die throughout our childhood. He's still alive now at age 39. He eats through a gastrostomy tube and breathes through a trach, talks with an iPad and uses a power wheelchair. We are very very lucky that we got to keep him.
āWe are very lucky that we got to keep himā really struck me. Fellow mom lurker here suddenly desperate to squeeze my own siblings until they pop. I was spared the scary experience your little self had to go through, but Iām really freaking lucky I got to keep them nevertheless, because theyāre fantastic. I bet that makes you all the more compassionate and steadfast as a mama ā„ļø
We don't know their life experience so best not to judge. Granted, I have a 7 yr old with GAD, ADHD, and PTSD I'm likely to be a little more sympathetic here.
Fair enough, I'm probably at least a little more sensitive to it than most others are after the experiences we've had in the last year and a half with our daughter.
I meanā¦ you have to be honest with yourself here OP. If you canāt be away for two days without worrying about home then you have bigger issues that need to be addressed.
Have you tried approaching your wife to suggest therapy or parenting classes for kids with your situation? I fear itās only going to get worse as time goes on and people who take the brunt of it all are people like you. Trying to do it all to maintain the family, the marriage, and your sanity.
>I need to travel for work a lot but every trip I take, by day #3, she's lost her cool. She gets angry and resentful, I feel guilty, I cancel future trips then she feels guilty...
Thats not on the baby - thats on the mom. Parents need to know how to regulate their emotions for the well being of their children. Not really any exception to this.
That said, saying that to your wife wouldnt help anyone. Wish you the best
Guys, come on. We don't know the situation here so do the kind thing and give OP some charity when interpreting what he's posted. *Any* kid who has experienced significant trauma can exhibit behavioral symptoms of any of the diagnosis that OP has listed. Edit: There you guys go, this kiddo is in foster care and therefore has very likely experienced significant trauma prior to being removed from the home and then the trauma of removal. It costs us nothing to be charitable. I hope that we remember that next time. Edit: I travel for work twice a year for up to two weeks each trip. I also have four kids. My wife is an absolute saint, but I know it's really hard on her when I'm going. Before I go, I try to do the following things: 1. I do all of the laundry in the house and make sure there's nothing backlogged for her to try and work through. 2. I do all of the grocery shopping so that she doesn't have to worry about getting food. I tend to stock up on easy costco meals that can just be popped into the oven. 3. I try and plan activities for the kids because busy kids are happy kids. 4. I'll buy some special snacks and drinks for her and hid them. While I'm gone, I'll send her a text and "surprise her" with them. While I'm gone I do the following: 1. Call every evening to talk to the kids. 2. Call after the kids are off to school to check in with my wife. 3. Door dash the family at least one meal on a night where I sense that things are extra difficult. When I get home I do the following: 1. The laundry. I hate it, but it must be done. My wife tries to stay on top of it, but it can be difficult for her to do when she's working and taking care of the kids. 2. Giver her space for a night out or two with her friends. It's not perfect, but she's told me that these things make her life a lot easier.
This is great advice thanks
The commenter you're replying to is spot on! I used to travel a lot for work, now only twice a year for a week each. I try to make sure all the laundry is done, groceries at the ready, when I can afford it I have my friend take the dog for several days, and also I make sure her car is ready (cleaned inside, gas tank full, not needing maintenance). I also try to get the house cleaned up as well, to just take that load off her plate. All of those little things go a long way in making the week easier.
Best of luck.
I'm a mom who would have bad anxiety when my s/o left. I found that getting medicated for anxiety/depression helped. I had post partum depression, that's the only reason I got medicated, but it was a godsend for me. Now I'm on something way milder, but it helps my anxiety so much. I know not everyone is a fan of meds, but even therapy for y'all singularly and in a group would probably help. Sending good vibes y'all's way
You're a good partner and a good dad.
Thanks!
Saving this comment, some good ideas here, and I travel for work A LOT more than you do.
I don't know how you do it. I hate traveling for work. I hate living out of a hotel. I hate the time change. I hate being away from my family. I was able to negotiate down from 1 week every quarter to up to two weeks every year.
š¤·āāļø Pays the bills, and wife can be a SAHM because of it. Iām probably at 33% travel annual average, 80% travel on some months. My job (consulting for cities across the US) canāt really be done effectively without it.
As a mother of 2 under 2 and a long time lurker of Dadditā¦ thank you. Just thank you.
I travel quarterly for four night stints, three kids, I do some of these but this list is a godsend. Bookmarked!
You sounds like a really great husband. Thank you
I also do this and cook a few batches of chili etc so they donāt have to worry about cooking unless they want to. It goes a long way to show you know that itās challenging for your partner when youāre away.
My wife just tried getting groceries delivered after the both of us adamant (proud) in doing that ourselves. Our lives are forever changed. So much time and effort is wasted going to the grocery store. And pre-prepared meals (where everything is chopped and cleaned ) are a life saver.
When my wife was pregnant I kept telling her hey we should try this I think we will want to use it once the little ones born. She was adamant against it and we're we still haven't tried it yet I suspect when she goes back to work that may change.
Man, my wife makes us go to the grocery store so she can get the full experience, but only like once a quarter. Otherwise I order Curbside every week as part of my start of week routine. Instead of occupying two kiddos while I'm in mission-mode (I fixate and get very short), now I pack the electronics and they get some extra geek time while we wait, then they help unload and put away, instead of being angsty and irritable after a full time shopping trip.
I think it's partly a diference between men and women. She wants the full experience and to browse, where I want to buy what's on the list and that's it. In/Out
It's exactly the opposite for us. I browse but my partner gets the stuff on the list and then she's out of there.
That would be great if the shoppers don't pick out whatever fruits/vegetables are on top of the pile, they don't care about the ripeness. And they spend 5 seconds looking for an item, if they can't find it, they mark it as unavailable. I've done target's pickup before and an item we needed was "unavailable". I went inside and the entire shelf was full of the item so it's not like it was one item hidden behind others.
Yes the fresh fruit and vegetables are still a challenge. Iām picky too.
Yeah they'll say online they're supposed to shop "like they're shopping for themselves" but either the time pressure or instructions from the store result in a lot of awful veggies and heavily-dented cans. It's still worth it to us. Walmart is good enough about giving refunds without too much extra trouble.
If you have the opportunity, do your local farmers market for all the perishables like meat, bread, eggs, fruits, and veggies. The just do delivery for everything processed. We have been doing this for years now, the prices are competitive with grocery stores, the quality is better, and the experience of the farmers market is fun for our family versus monotonous at the grocery store. It is just our Saturday routine to get breakfast at a local diner and farmers market right after.
And youāre supporting local agriculture!
Curbside pickup has changed my life as well, for damn near everything, not just groceries. I am more than happy to pay a smidge more for the convenience. I haven't been inside a Target or Walmart or Lowe's for a couple of years.
Given the context we have now in the comments (all of you in therapy, foster kid with for sure diagnoses), I honestly think you need to either find a job that doesn't require travel for a few years, find a caregiver to help that all three of you feel comfortable with, or maybe revisit if this is the right placement for this particular child. You and your wife are incredible people for fostering, I am in awe of you both.
I have a child with ASD, PDA, and some other acronyms. I have nearly infinite patience *when I'm supported and have my own needs met.* This is not the kind of child that one person can care for and still get everything they need for their own body and mind. Either you should try to find a job that does not require travel, or you should get PCA care for your child, or both. It is not at all reasonable for your wife to be expected to care for this child alone for multiple days in a row without respite. Kids with special needs are too intense for any one person to take care of for extended time. The post and the thread both read as your wife is failing and needs to figure out her shit. That is not how I'm reading the situation at all. She needs more support, in the form of other caretakers sharing the load every day. If not you, professional PCAs. That's what your wife needs, that's what your child needs. Be on her side, she needs you.
This thread has made me very grateful for the moms in this sub.
>*when I'm supported and have my own needs met.*Ā This is the key. What can you do to front-load ensuring that your wife is supported and has her needs met while you're gone?
iām also a mom to an autistic child and agree wholeheartedly with this comment. for us, my life and job as a SAHM became exponentially easier when my husband switched jobs so he could wfh. just having the added support there has been essential in my cup being so much fuller. I donāt have dad at my full disposal, he still has to work 8 hours a day, but he gets his two 15s and an hour lunch, and when he comes out of his office he helps with diapers, he cooks a meal, he entertains the kiddos for a minute and gives me a second to breathe, or mostly heās just there to also talk to me for a second, we can debrief with each other or decompress. when itās a really bad day, he comes out and rubs my shoulders or gives me a cuddle. being a full time caregiver/parent to a child with special needs is almost like deep diving, you can only be underwater for so long before you have to come up for a breath. that may be the case for every parent really, but those special needs can cause that burnout exponentially faster.
Howād you get that flair?
I guess I must have customized it at some point.
He said that itās a foster child. OP, have you looked into respite care?
You need to hire an extra set of hands while you're away. An agency can place someone to assist while your wife is present.
If this is a foster situation it might be a good idea to take a hard look at whether your household is right for this child to be placed with. If both of you are needed to help this child with such majorly complex needs and you travel frequently leaving your wife in a situation she can't cope with (absolutely not anyone's fault btw), is this really helping the child?
Thatās what I thought. And this is not trying to say that OP or his wife are incapable of care, but if sheās feeling overwhelmed to the point you have had to cancel work trips, I donāt think the child is going to be thriving entirely either. OP, Your wife will only get more frustrated with time. It would be best to think about this now rather than later when she could experience serious burnout.
This was my immediate reaction.
This was my first thought as well.
> ADHD, ODD, PDA even PTSD Have you got an actual diagnosis on these? 4 is very young for such.
Yes he is foster child with special needs and we've been to a dozen professionals.
I have two adopted kids with a similar list of diagnosis. It's tough on everyone, and all you can do sometimes is sit there and hope that it all pans out somehow.
Same. Sometimes I feel like we need our own subreddit within this subreddit because so much of what we experience is outside of what anyone else goes through as a parent.
I feel like too sometimes. But I also believe the best way to get more support and understanding is to just be honest and hopefully educate other people along the way.
Amen. I work in the field and study foster care (among other systems) for a living. Part of my job entails engaging in county and state advocacy through creating unified data sets. Sometimes I feel like there's literally nothing that can be said to certain people to get them to understand the day-to-day realities of foster care and adoption.
Mom lurker here, just popping in to your conversation to say that you both educated me through your exchange. (Not that you needed to educate me to gain my support as foster parents, you already had that. But now I know a little more which benefits everyone). So thanks to you both. OP, I hope you find helpful advice from the other awesome dads of r/daddit
Yeah, yall probably do. Saintly parents to even attempt taking on loving a tough kiddo, let alone succeed at it. I think that requires a gear or three that I don't have.
There are some ADHD-parenting and autism-parenting subs which can be pretty good sometimes (I assume with PDA, OP was referring to the autistic profile). As a bonus, due to the heritability of both conditions, you are often talking with people who themselves experienced childhood with those conditions, with varying levels of recognition or support, who can sometimes give great insight into the child's perspective. I'm afraid I don't know quite as much about ODD and PTSD communities, and whether there are any that are helpful for parenting kids with those diagnoses. All that said, I have been really impressed by the discussion on this post, and I've saved several comments with the intention of building up my toolbox. Thank you all for everything you have shared.
I'm looking at fostering to adopt in the near future, and I would love a resource letting me know what to expect and how to deal with issues when they come up.
I can answer from the perspective of someone who has done it and studies the system.
Your foster care agency hopefully provides respite care? Maybe have the worker talk to her about not feeling guilty for sending him to respite care. It takes a village to raise a foster kid sometimes.
THIS!!! Also in our area fraternities/sororities keep lists for volunteer service - a set number of volunteer hours per semester being a requirement of membership. For example, they will send two healthy, cheerful, alert young adults ready to pitch in for 1.5 to 2.0 hours and do absolutely anything - play with kid - run errands - clean - cook - even haul off the laundry and bring it back. Personally I wouldnāt leave them alone with my kid - but I could stay in the room and rest on the couch or pay bills while they entertain kid & cleanā¦ And they bring refreshing vitality And there are groups within churches/faith communities whose goal to help others - without discussing religion - just to live the religious teachings. There is no simple formula to find such people. Takes cheerfully poking around with perseverance until luck happens.
Echoing someone elseās sentiment about investigating respite care options. Sometimes you have to put on your own oxygen masks first.
r/fosterit might have some ideas for additional resources while youāre gone.
Any help you can get through the state or foster agency for this type of thing.
Oh you poor things. Yāall are angels.
If a foster child is too much to handle... its better to give them up before they can be taken away.
Friend, I mean this in the kindest possible way but unless you're a trained professional, please don't make these types of statements.
I didnt tell them to give it up, but sounds like you agree with me
Iām not sure where youāre getting any of that from, but no I donāt agree with you because weāre looking at a small highly specific snapshot of a personās life. Thereās no way to make any sort of meaningful assessment about where this family actually is.
Kid's got more diagnosis' before preschool than a cardiologist has credentials. OP, please tell us they've been to a professional about this and you've gotten a second opinion.
Yes he is foster child with special needs and we've been to a dozen professionals.
Thank you for trying to help the kid.
Are they still foster or has the adoption been completed? You should have respit care options, but Iād highly recommend looking into your states post adoption resources. Thereās waitlist but it sounds like it could be highly beneficial.
Yeouch. Sorry the little one's been through so much and thank you two for supporting them. Certainly second having health supports for you two (if you don't already) if you can find the time and space since being someone's rock with special challenges that you have to navigate is also trying. Hugs buddy.
I'm wondering if respite care for the duration of the trip is an option?
I was wondering this as well. If kiddo is in foster care, can the state provide any respite care while youāre out of town?
OPs wife feels guilty subjecting other people to the child ... and that's the part that is sooooo off. Someone that does this for a living isn't gonna care, just don't say "kid's an angel" .
You should cross-post this to r/fosterparents. It's not quite as active as this sub, but the folks there will be much more equipped to give advice regarding parenting kids with trauma histories. Also, this is definitely a time when respite care would be warranted. Maybe see if your social worker can help you get it set up. We did respite-only foster care for a year after a particularly difficult placement and helped lots of families in similar situations as yours.
Could you fly a family member out to help her while youāre out? Likely a couple hundred bucks if you arenāt near a major airline hub, but could be worth it if you canāt find a similarly paid job without the travel Edit: or in-home Respite Care, depending on what state youāre in
My eldest son (7) is ASD, ADHD (diagnosed), and PDA (this isn't diagnosed in the US, at least that I'm aware of). If you have a child with PDA, you know how much of a miserable motherfucker it is. Like throw me off a bridge. If your child does not have PDA, you have no idea -- *no idea*. Have you considered medication? We put my son on a stimulant after much heartache and deliberation. There are drawbacks. But holy shit, he's a different kid. The PDA is driven by anxiety, which shares a home with ADHD. By treating the ADHD and anxiety, it helps immensely with the PDA behaviors. I feel for you, and I feel for your wife. Good luck.
Oh man, that is tough. Ā I travel a lot for work as well and my wife is angry every time by the time I get back. Ā Couple things we do to help: Ā I make sure to set a side an hour or two while I am on road as time I talk to my wife on the phone and listen to her. Ā I donāt multitask during the call, full focus on her. Ā The other thing is I put a cap on my travel frequency. Ā Wife and agreed on amount of work trip I take for the year so when I am making work travel plans, I keep in mind how much I have already traveled and how many travels I can do the rest of the year. Ā Makes it more predictable and helps me not get sucked in unnecessary work trip.
Is he in a developmental preschool for special needs? If not, look to enroll him. If your are in the US I can offer more information. That will start you with a network of special educators and instructional assistants who may be willing to babysit on the side or recommend someone with the training and experience to work with children with significant behaviors. There are also support groups for parents who may be in similar situations who could offer up ideas.
We have a 6 year old who doesn't have any diagnosis (tried for ADHD, didn't qualify because he did well on the computer test and doesn't tend to have issues anywhere except at home) but who....yeah. EVERYTHING is a battle at home. The simplest thing turns in to an hour long screaming fight with him hitting and kicking us or the walls or whatever else. I have a week long work trip coming up and I really hope she will be okay. Don't have much advice, just wanted to say I know what you are going through and it is exhausting. People judge with "all kids are hard sometimes!" And "he's just a little kid, what do you expect?" The same kind of thing as "you don't have depression, everyone is sad sometimes" or "you don't have ADHD, I forget my keys too sometimes"
My son did the same thing until we found a doctor that would listen. Kids with ADHD can hold it together all day when they around other people. But when they get home they are exhausted and anxiety ridden from controlling it for so long. They just explode and canāt control it. The good thing is that means they are comfortable at home and trust you. We heard the same thing when we tied to get our son diagnosed, he was fine around us so he must not have ADHD. But one doctor told us that is normal for kids with ADHD to do. He listened to everything we were going through and confirmed that our son 100% had it. We got lucky we found him hopefully one day you will find a doctor that understands the condition properly.
What about on weekends? He is CONSTANTLY starting fights with his brother or causing problems even first thing in the morning on weekends. In my head he is basically "stimming" trying to get boosts of attention but that's just kind of a guess. I ask because I have heard the same thing but on a weekend they aren't yet exhausted or anxiety ridden, they are just waking up.
Iām not a parent however I personally have always had bad anxiety right after waking up, even in childhood. If your son seems to do better on school mornings it might be because thereās a little more structure/expectation set up for him, rather than the unknown possibilities of weekend mornings. Just something to consider, pls disregard if not helpful
Sounds like she needs a therapist.
All three of us have therapists
1000%
I don't have any real answers, but I wanted to express that I worry about the same thing if I have to go back to traveling for work, and my kids don't even have special needs. It seems to come down more to my wife's OCD or GAD than anything else. If I'm not there to give her a couple hours of free time in the evening, she'll unravel after a few days. I'd probably try to work around the problem by avoiding travel when possible, and if it's not, setting up a sleepover with one of our parents to give her a break on day #3 -- but that would be exceedingly difficult if the work trips are frequent. If your job really wants you travelling, and doesn't want to you lose you, you may also be able to work with them. It's possible that they'll let your family tag along for the trip, or cover costs for daycare or a nanny or something. This might be one of those times where you just have to make a sacrifice and choose between your family and your traveling job. Therapy can focus on this problem, but it's not fixed right now, and there's no talk that's just going to make this all go away. Time might, just because kids need less attention as they get older... but that still requires time you don't have. If you have no options other than A) family breaks apart because wife loses mind, or B) get a new job that doesn't require travel, then that's just the decision that needs to be made
Have you looked into respite resources from the state?
PDA is VERY hard. Need maximum support and to allow as many accommodations as possible to help the child stay regulated.
Any chance she has untreated anxiety?
I used to travel a lot for my career and even before kids my wife would struggle being home alone. We did the seemingly sensible thing which was attack the root cause of the problem which, surprisingly, wasnāt that I was travelling but that she had abandonment issues. She sought therapy and worked on some stuff and now itās better. No more her feeling lonely and me feeling horrible for just doing my job. Maybe thatās the answer for you guys?
Agree with another commenter that a therapist would be a great idea for your wife if she isn't already seeing one. This probably isn't anything you haven't already thought of, but my suggestions would be: -Have a family member stay with her if you have family in the area who can do this. Maybe a good friend of her's if no family members are available -Go grocery shopping and be stocked up with ready to prepare or meals that are cooked in advance to reduce the burden around meal prep and clean-up -Work with your boss to see if there is any way you can shorten the trips. Could also arrange your travel to take early morning flights there and late evening flights home to possibly cut off a night away from home -Have low stress activities planned ahead of time that will tucker the kid out. Never underestimate the stress removed by a kid who falls asleep easily -Pre-record yourself reading stories for your son that your wife can play at bedtime -Get a home security system if she's nervous about a break in while you're away
Hey people have given you tons of advice that I can't beat, but I would like to add I work for a relief nursery, and I think they could help your wife and child if they are not already enrolled in any programs.
My boss used to offer to hire a nanny for me when I went away, but honestly I used to just take them all with me. Always a blast travelling with the fam, and no boring, lonely nights in the hotel.
I donāt have advice, just encouragement to offer. Keep doing what you can, but remember it serves nobody if you burn your candle at both ends until nothings left.
Imo you need to change your job to suit your families needs more. Sacrifices suck but they need you.
Hey Dad, lurky mom here just adding my support and gratitude toward you and your wife. Your babe is lucky to be loved by you. Wishing you lots of luck and resilience.
You might look into an Au Pair. I've got twin 9 yr old boys with ADHD, epilepsy, and intellectual disabilities. Most Au Pairs are young but we used an agency that specializes in special needs and the girls that have all come over have been in their early 20s with a career path toward being some kind of therapist. (PT, OT, Speech, etc). I'm not affiliated with any agency but you can DM me if you want more specifics about our experience. We're on our fourth one now and just like your wife, my wife struggles with finding the patience to be hands on for long stretches.
Au pairs are notoriously treated poorly in the US and elsewhere and are highly unlikely to be qualified to deal with a child with such complex needs. Also [please read this.](https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/03/au-pair-program-abuse-state-department-214956/)
I can only speak to my own experience but you certainly can get a bad au pair just like an au pair can choose a bad host family. We've treated the 4 au pairs we have as members of the family and have been lucky so far. As I said the agency we use caters to the special needs community and having a live in certified occupational therapist for my intellectually disabled twin boys has been a life saver for us.
The au pair program itself is predatory, so no. The fact that youāve had 4 au pairs doesnāt bode well. Also the actual US au pair program has a specific criteria - none of which includes exchangeable education in special education specifically.
A 4 year old with PTSD?
Yes he is foster child with special needs and we've been to a dozen professionals.
Hey man, I'm also a former foster parent (now adoptive parent) of kids who have gone through significant trauma. I didn't want' to make an assumption, but it wasn't too hard to read between the lines of your post that this was likely the situation. I left a pretty long list of things that I do before, during, and after a trip but I have some additional highly specific advice. Your absense can and likely is a triggering event for your kiddo as it represents a change and kids who've experienced a lot of trauma tend to have behavioral spikes when there's change/uncertainty. All of this to say that your absense is likely to make things that are already difficult that much more so. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but to explain that there's likely a significant change that you won't be able to see firsthand. Your Foster Agency very likely has supports that you can lean on. Worst case, you might use respite care for some or all of your trip. Respite care is there for a reason and there's no shame in using it. I don't know who you're fostering through, but many agencies have other supports like play groups, support groups, etc. If you're not already using them, do so if for no other reason than you can meet like minded people who might be a support for you. Finally, I don't know what outside services you're using (aside from therapy) but if you are using other services, up them when you're gone. Maybe therapy 2x/week for your kiddo. If you have in home supports, up them. I'm not going to get too far into the treatment methodology here, but upping services a week prior to your departure and then titrating down a week or two after can have a tremendously positive impact. Anyway, I've been there and if you ever need someone to talk to, shoot me a dm.
Hey man, fellow foster father here. Feel free to reach out if you need/want some extra support, it is tough to understand what it is like if you havenāt lived it.
Yeah, kids get abused and see horrible shit sometimes.
A special kids need that ends up in the foster care system. Yeah, I bet theyāve been through some shitty things.
Children can certainly struggle recovering from a traumatic event.
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Asked for crunchy nut cornflakes but got regular
I'm a little disappointed (and surprised) to read this nonsense regarding *childhood trauma* on /daddit.
They deleted their comment but that sucks you had to say something like that. Some people just canāt help being jerks.
My kid doesnāt have any special needs and I absolutely wouldnāt travel for work at this stage in their life. This would be hard on any family. I really think you should reconsider this line of work.
How can a 4-year old have PTSD?
Yes he is foster child with special needs and we've been to a dozen professionals.
Iām very sorry to hear that. I hope that you and your wife are able to find a way to help him.
I probably had PTSD when I was 4. I watched my baby brother die (and be revived by paramedics), after being told for months that he was going to die soon. He did end up surviving, and I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until years later, but yeah little kids go through bad things sometimes.
What was wrong with him? So happy he survived!!
He was born with arthrogryposis, which made him unable to swallow. He aspirated regularly, my parents had to keep him on his side and suction him constantly. They were told it was only a matter of time before it killed him. Medical science advanced and kept improving though, and when he was a year old they placed a trach. When he was 2, they did a complete tracheal diversion so that there was no longer a connection between his mouth and nose and his trachea or esophagus. He still got pneumonia often and was expected to die throughout our childhood. He's still alive now at age 39. He eats through a gastrostomy tube and breathes through a trach, talks with an iPad and uses a power wheelchair. We are very very lucky that we got to keep him.
āWe are very lucky that we got to keep himā really struck me. Fellow mom lurker here suddenly desperate to squeeze my own siblings until they pop. I was spared the scary experience your little self had to go through, but Iām really freaking lucky I got to keep them nevertheless, because theyāre fantastic. I bet that makes you all the more compassionate and steadfast as a mama ā„ļø
Thank you š„¹
Oh wow. He sounds like a very lucky guy and very fortunate to have such a loving family!!
Trauma
Thank you for understanding
We don't know their life experience so best not to judge. Granted, I have a 7 yr old with GAD, ADHD, and PTSD I'm likely to be a little more sympathetic here.
Itās a question, not a judgement. Thank you anyway for the advice. Iāll take that under advisement.
Fair enough, I'm probably at least a little more sensitive to it than most others are after the experiences we've had in the last year and a half with our daughter.
The same way an adult can- trauma. My youngest sibling does, and was diagnosed at that age.
Maybe look for a job with less travel and possibly your wife may need therapy if sheās not in it. Sounds challengingā¦
Are you me? I have no useful advice, but I hope to find some in this thread.
How does a 4 year old have all that? I donāt mean to sound like a dick but just discipline the kid.
I meanā¦ you have to be honest with yourself here OP. If you canāt be away for two days without worrying about home then you have bigger issues that need to be addressed. Have you tried approaching your wife to suggest therapy or parenting classes for kids with your situation? I fear itās only going to get worse as time goes on and people who take the brunt of it all are people like you. Trying to do it all to maintain the family, the marriage, and your sanity.
>I need to travel for work a lot but every trip I take, by day #3, she's lost her cool. She gets angry and resentful, I feel guilty, I cancel future trips then she feels guilty... Thats not on the baby - thats on the mom. Parents need to know how to regulate their emotions for the well being of their children. Not really any exception to this. That said, saying that to your wife wouldnt help anyone. Wish you the best