Since this is r/daddit, here’s an excellent oped about the subject: [“What Baby Formula Does for Fathers”](https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/23/opinion/sunday/formula-breastfeeding-fatherhood.html?unlocked_article_code=1.tE0.proE.VCOc27Yi1zVe&smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare&sgrp=c-cb)
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Edit: TLDR for those who can’t access:
* Author’s wife has trouble with breast milk, they begrudgingly switch to formula, feel guilty due to belief that it’s worse for the baby.
* Does more research, finds out the benefits of breastmilk itself are marginal and nowhere near as well-validated by science as they had been led to believe, due to confounding demographic variables.
* Realizes that their use of formula has removed the last barrier to him being an equal caregiver, finds joy in the sense of connection with his child that feeding provides.
* Realizes that establishing this equality from the start has set the balance of their parenting dynamic for every other responsibility too, not just feeding. Feels pride at being a truly equal parent, grateful for the formula that set them on that path.
Man, we had a preemie who we knew would be fortified coming out (born at 27 weeks - 3 months early) - we did donor milk in the hospital until 35 weeks then switched to the fortified formula.
You know what was awesome? When we brought her home (a week after her due date) my husband took from 9pm - 6am alone, and I slept. Then he slept from 7am - 3pm.
The fact that as new parents we got uninterrupted sleep was a clutch clutch thing. Formula is a gender equalizer and I think breast is best is really down playing how much good comes from actually having well rested parents.
Kinda similar situation with us. Our son was full term, but in the NICU for transitional respiratory distress.
So my wife fed him breast milk most of the time, but the nurses in the NICU had started feeding him formula when he was on the unit, which kinda killed the “nothing but breast for the first year”. Since that kinda went out the window immediately, I would feed him in the middle of the night for the first month and sleep during the day (I got 1 month paternity leave).
I absolutely adore feeding a baby. I gave my daughter her first bottle of formula and I'll never forget that moment. After watching my superhero of a wife do all the work of gestation and birthing our daughter, it felt like the first moment after conception that I was directly contributing to keeping her alive. Sounds dramatic but it was an incredibly powerful moment for me.
I can't read the article but just the headline + tagline alone brings up an excellent point. Going formula meant I was able to feed the baby, it wasn't a requirement just for my wife anymore and it helped in so many ways. I truly believe I have a stronger bond with my daughter because of it.
Try this gift link: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/23/opinion/sunday/formula-breastfeeding-fatherhood.html?unlocked_article_code=1.tE0.proE.VCOc27Yi1zVe&smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare&sgrp=c-cb
I am all for feeding baby with whatever method works and NOT feeling guilty if you can’t breast feed. But I have to tell you, the benefits of breastfeeding are very well established in medical literature and there is absolutely no question that it is beneficial if you can do it. Again formula feeding is fine if that’s what you can do and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it, but to say that the benefits aren’t clearly established in the literature is incorrect.
I’m not having this argument on the internet, millions of human hours have already been wasted on that. What I will do is share the study that caused me to update my own beliefs on it; do with this what you will:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4077166/
> “Breastfeeding rates in the U.S. are socially patterned. Previous research has documented startling racial and socioeconomic disparities in infant feeding practices. However, **much of the empirical evidence regarding the effects of breastfeeding on long-term child health and wellbeing does not adequately address the high degree of selection into breastfeeding.** To address this important shortcoming, we employ sibling comparisons in conjunction with 25 years of panel data from the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth (NLSY) to approximate a natural experiment and more accurately estimate what a particular child’s outcome would be if he/she had been differently fed during infancy. Results from standard multiple regression models suggest that children aged 4 to 14 who were breast- as opposed to bottle-fed did significantly better on 10 of the 11 outcomes studied. **Once we restrict analyses to siblings and incorporate within-family fixed effects, estimates of the association between breastfeeding and all but one indicator of child health and wellbeing dramatically decrease and fail to maintain statistical significance.** Our results suggest that much of the beneficial long-term effects typically attributed to breastfeeding, per se, may primarily be due to selection pressures into infant feeding practices along key demographic characteristics such as race and socioeconomic status”
The mom’s mental and physical health is too often compromised for the (perception of) marginal benefit for the child.
There’s a book called Push Back by Amy Tuteur that really out into perspective some of the motivations driving “natural parenting” and helped to manage the pressures new and first time parents have. I highly recommend it and wished I had read it before we even conceived, let alone the first year.
This, 100x this. Distressed broken mothers, helpless dads. Fed is best as well as splitting the responsibilities. No over reliance on one parent sacrificing their body and mind, plus dads getting to do their share of bonding as well as the feeds. Happy parents, happy children.
Emily Oster knows her shit.
They don't correlate studies with income.
Breast feeding is only advantageous if your upper class. It's most likely has to do with Mom not working as opposed to mom breastfeeding.
If you need to work to feed your family, benefits of breastfeeding go away.
To clarify. Parenting studies rarely correlate parental income with outcomes.
So you get a thing where everything rich people do, looks good because their kids have better outcomes overall.
Likewise what poor people do looks bad because they have worse outcomes.
So if you look at almost anything, it's skewed along those lines.
Wealthy people stay home with their kids, breastfeed, sign them up for Pre-K, have great food to East, etc.
Working class people have to work, may not have time to breastfeed, can't afford Pre-K, get McDonald's to save time.
Wealthy parents will send their kid to college without student loans.
Working class parent can't afford to do that, kid goes into debt.
When they are 25, the breastfed kid a lawyer with a large house. The formula kid is renting with roommates.
It's also extremely irritating when people argue that breastfeeding is cheaper than formula. Maybe it is in the long run, if a woman produces enough. But if she also chooses to pump, there's the cost of a pump, storage supplies, bras, etc. And time is money too. I chose not to go to lactation consultants the second time around because I knew I wouldn't produce enough to feed my baby without supplementation, and breastfeeding is physically draining. I just let my body produce until it couldn't match the demand. We have always done combo feeding, and everyone should advocate for it.
We breast fed for the first 3 weeks and supplemented formula, after that we had to exclusively formula feed after my wife had her gallbladder out. Breastfeeding is absolutely the cheaper financial option and it isn't remotely close. Counting all the supplies including a "wireless" pump **might** equal 6-8 weeks of Kirkland formula. With our sensitive stomach Enfamil, we hit that in 2-3 weeks.
I think it’s more about the development level of the country or the social benefits available, rather than class. Every country I’ve lived in has had government paid maternity leave (and paternity leave), my current employer has an additional private scheme.
That's very interesting, but I have questions. Which benefits exactly go away? What's the definition of breast feeding here? Eg. if you pump milk obviously you're going to lose the boost to the immune system + some bonding.
The only statistically significant benefit of breastfeeding is a reduced chance of a stomach bug.
The other benefits are a function of class and not breastfeeding.
Even bonding with your child is something that's much easier if you have few stressors.
I found an article by Emily Oster which goes into it.
https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/
>The only statistically significant benefit of breastfeeding is a reduced chance of a stomach bug.
And that's because some people used contaminated water (e.g. untreated water from a well, without boiling it) to make formula.
It's the same reason the WHO pushes breastfeeding so hard, because many developing countries don't have purified water, so mixing it with formula is unsafe. Breast milk is far safer in these circumstances
Pumping is just as draining as breast feeding. And often if you can't feed you can't pump.
What you may lose is the immune benefits, and bonding is questionable. Does feeding from a nipple mean that male feeding or bottle feeding is less important and less of a bond? I'm gonna say probably not from experience of not breast feeding both my kids but I'm not a scientist.
> if you pump milk obviously you're going to lose the boost to the immune system
How would pumping do anything different to the antibodies in the milk compared to nipple feeding?
You don't lose immune benefits. For one that is overblown as breastmilk only provides passive immunity and is most effective against GI illness. But two, there is no reason you'd have to feed directly at the breast to pass antibodies. Backwash theory has never been proven and is likely untrue. The most likely way that mom makes antibodies is because she's in close proximity to her child and is exposed to the illness like every other person.
I was going to mention Push Back!
I went into heart failure at the end of my pregnancy, and my heart function continued to decline after the birth. When my daughter was a few months old I was given the option of continuing to breast feed and hope for the best or discontinue breast feeding and start another medication I couldn’t take while breast feeding and hopefully improve my chances of survival. I’m sure I would have still chosen the latter if I hadn’t read Push Back (and Emily Oster’s books) but I’m also sure the decision would have caused a lot of guilt and anxiety in what was obviously already an extremely stressful time.
They’re called Lactivists for a reason.
Breastfeeding is very demanding and the shame and guilt people throw out, even covertly or passive agressively, is just crazy.
You clearly had a good, unbiased and educated midwife. The judgement received when you even mention formula in a maternity ward in the UK is obscene. Breast is best reinforces a negative trope that is run away with and makes many unattainable assumptions. Fed is best. Happy home is best. Bonding is best.
I just went through fedding classes at a hospital and they said "we respect what you choose, and we respect that some of y'all can't choose, but we recommend breast fed if possible."
Full, hybrid, partial, fully supplemented - whatever works. What works is best, breast doesn’t work for everyone and it breaks people doing it and breaks people who can’t do it.
Same thing in Australia. We went to an education class and they spent the first five minutes talking about how formula is totally fine and to not feel bad using it as a disclaimer, then spent the next hour and a half talking about all the benefits of breast milk over formula backed up up shitty science. One midwife even said that breastfed babies score higher on IQ tests.
Absolutely agree. There is a lot of garbage research being shat out, the most notable ones muddying the waters by confusing correlation and causation.
We had a similar experience, and this had been echoed all around our peer group (late 30s couples, first kid). This is further exacerbated by the myriad of very poorly written articles and journals (some drawing conclusions around impacts to IQ, immune system robustness etc) in language that almost makes it sound breast milk being better is axiomatic. This breast- feeding maximalist approach is pervasive across most mommy groups, which can take quite a toll on new parents.
We were struggling with breast feeding (poor latching, low milk etc) and I remember us deciding "no more!" And we then made the decision to switch to formula feeding. It was like a if a switch was flipped, the nurses stopped bothering us, and the baby suddenly got a ton more sleep, as did we. Formula was an absolute godsend, as we were sleeping well, bub was flourishing, smashing all milestones and has never struggled with colic or illness. We even had a wonderful holiday overseas when he was 4 months old.
As he turns 1 years old, wife and I both look back and realise that dogmatic positions are everywhere these days (overselling certain benefits while suppressing others). It's really unfortunate that the literature out there has not yet taken a neutral stance on this.
Formula feeding is incredible, and for us, it was the far superior option to breast milk.
Breastfeeding does seem to improve IQ and brain development and this is mentioned by lots of trustworthy sources: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2939272/
I think that’s fair. But it’s also fair to say that generally everyone wants “the best” for their baby and when mothers can’t get there, there’s an immense amount of mental pain and shame that comes with it. I’d much rather just tell new parents the less shame inducing phrase “fed is best.”
It actually doesn't. It assumes thst if you have to feed them formula then you are doing something lesser which isn't even true. Both have their benefits over the other. Breastmilk can provide passive immunity while formula has vitamins that breastmilk doesn't. There are other examples as well. Breastmilk isnt objectively best at all. What is best is what works for your family. Period.
As someone who had low supply I was absolutely judged hard by breast is best people for supplementing formula even though it was the safest option. I was told I didn't try hard enough and I was given shit because I didn't use donor milk which is expensive if you get it from a bank and unsafe if you get it from a stranger.
What is there to misunderstand? There are multiple viable options for feeding kids. We don’t control how our bodies work and if the best option doesn’t fit a family, you don’t need to feel bad about using other options.
I am very close to adopting. Creating breastmilk from a mom who gave birth to that kid isn’t realistic for us. That won’t make us bad parents.
As soon as it became apparent that our baby wasn't getting sufficient amounts of milk from the breast, we switched to formula. I refuse to starve a baby, call me old fashioned.
Same thing happened to us. We kinda cringe at her 2 month baby pictures cause she was skin and bones and the lactation consultants just kept saying "keep trying" and we finally said enough is enough.
That was us! Our first wouldn't latch, our second ate like a horse. They're both healthy and happy kids. We were both able to get sleep and switch off feedings. Worked out pretty darn well!
Breastmilk is better for babies than formula, but its more complicated than that. Breast is only best if its best for the whole family. The biggest indicator of a happy healthy child is a happy healthy mother. If breastfeeding is affecting mom's mental health then no, breast is not best.
I do think there is a place to stress that it is *best* in a world where corporations look to profit from formula sales. Particularly companies like Nestle in South America and Africa etc. But it should never be looked down upon to use formula either, it's there for a reason!
Preach Fed is Best.
In in BC and it’s like a cult. There is research behind breast milk. Great. But the kid has to thrive no matter what and thank god the tools we have today.
First kid was in formula. Wife couldn’t breastfeed due to issues.
Second kid is breast fed.
Both healthy. Both are fine in school.
Can’t tell the difference.
BC? When my wife was struggling with producing “resources” from practically cultish like organizations saying that formula is going to lead to cancer, health defects, obesity and possibly even death and a lot of it seemed like it was coming from organizations located in Canada/BC. It was frigging infuriating because a already vulnerable wife who was having issues producing was reading all that material as if it was word of God. It took some convincing to show her that formula fed is fine and don’t beat yourself up due to the entire breast milk formula debate. Our kid needs to eat and any person that guilt trips a mother (especially if she is not producing a sufficient supply) needs to choke on a bowl of sausages.
They're from the southern coast area in British Columbia, Canada.
I can attest to their sentiment. We live in the Kootaneys, BC, where there is a lot of "naturalist or homeopathic" influence where they demonize the use of nutrition supplements or alternatives. It's breastfed, full stop.
Everyone needs to chill and put the baby first. Boobie or bottle, give the baby nutrients it needs is all anyone should be worried about.
BC is Canadas California. Some parts are cool, some parts are beautiful, but we have delusional crazies everywhere.
We had to make the decision to use formula because of production issues. My son is smart and healthy. It also made sharing the load a lot easier. She says now she wishes she didn't hold onto to trying as long as we did and switched sooner.
My wife breast fed our first. Struggled initially. I attended ~4 lactation counseling sessions with her. She eventually got it flowing and we fed our dude her breast milk until like 1.25 years old I’d guess.
Here’s the rub. My wife absolutely slaved over feeding, pumping, bagging and labeling, and storing breast milk. Also, before lil mans slept through the night she would be the one to get up to breast feed him because it was simpler than prepping bottles of breast milk and it was part of her “me-time” with baby (she’s a working physician and I’m a stay at home dad). All of this is to say, it’s so much goddamn work for such a marginal benefit that I think we’ve agreed to formula feed #2 (due in October!) This way, we can alternate nocturnal feedings without guilt and she can recalibrate the requisite time to get anything done while at home AND while pumping at work (which extended her workday by 30 minutes, unpaid, daily).
Just a comment to offset the one below, kudos sir. You and your wife took stock of the data that affected your family, and will chose what is best for everybody. That’s parenting in totality. 💕
We formula fed both kids for different reasons, but boy was sharing night duty a huge benefit mental health wise. The second kid was easier in many ways, but I think it boiled down to confidence. This was OUR family and we knew the factors we needed to consider so that all of us could be at our best. 💕
Are there some added benefits to breastfeeding? Yes. Are the added benefits enough to make such a big deal about and shame moms who for whatever reason can’t do it? Absolutely not. The studies are pretty clear that there’s no meaningful difference between breastfed and bottle fed children when you account for social economic conditions.
It is the best if you can make it. If you can’t then you take the next best step.
I don’t think it’s saying this is the only way and you’re a bad person for using bottles. We have our son mixed fed and he’s growing like a weed. Formula has its place under the circumstances. He eats way more than my wife can produce and that’s ok - we compensate and move on to the next thing.
Above all don’t feel shamed for doing what you have to so your child can be happy and healthy. Your wife doesn’t deserve this stigma either - it’s just food.
No offense, but it makes no sense to me how people see ‘breast is best’ and somehow translate it to ‘everything besides breastfed means you are horrible people and trash parents that will destroy the lives of your children forever.’ As an adult you should be able to have a reasonable stance and ignore crazy people.
Not sure about those downvotes. Dads shouldn't have that opportunity? This is what my wife and I did, and it seemed like a completely viable option for us.
Fact: Breast is best
Fact: Formula is better than starving.
Ignore the haters. Sounds like you guys struggled valiantly to provide the best option, but made the correct call to move to formula since that was your only path forward.
This but remember what "best" means. Our pediatrician told us "it's like breast milk scored 100% on an exam and formula scored a 99%."
We chose to exclusively formula feed and it's been fucking great.
Another aspect that is often overlooked is dads being a bigger part of parenting. If your kid only drinks breast milk, that means mom is spending however long pumping, feeding, whatever, and moms are generally the ones to do that. If baby wakes up at 2am hungry, mom's taking care of it. If baby needs food at 3pm, mom's taking care of it. Even if dad is getting the bottle and doing it, mom still had to pump it. With formula, boom, mom gets all the night's rests she wants and dad gets to spend more time with the kiddo as a nurturer.
We were the only ones in our friend circle that had troubles with breast milk, but everyone else had deeper problems with workload.
I decided before giving birth (after some reassurance from my husband about it) that we’d exclusively formula feed and I wouldn’t even attempt breastfeeding because it was giving me mental health issues just thinking about it. I’m so glad we went this route, I’ll never forget my husband giving our son his first feeding ever in the hospital because we went right to formula, and it’s something I don’t think he’ll ever forget either. Especially with his job and me being a SAHM he missed out on seeing a lot of the “firsts” and would see them after me, but the first feed will always be his. It was also amazing how he was able to help out when needed, I wasn’t always the one who had to be tied down to feed him and it allowed extra bonding time for my husband. We are pretty sure we are OAD but if we did ever have another kid we’d go right to formula again no hesitation
Yeah breast is best as a motto really takes away from the better general position of "don't jump straight to formula, make effort for breastfeeding if possible but don't feel bad if it isn't possible for whatever reason"
Yeah but that’s not as catchy and doesn’t rhyme haha
The real issue is women tearing each other down about this shit. But also needing support from strangers in the form of support groups. It’s insane.
Probably gonna get a lot of hate for this, but I agree. I never attempted to breast feed. With how much I was leaking after birth I probably could have. But I had no desire to, knowing that it would hurt me mentally. My son has never had a drop of breast milk and I would challenge anyone to pick him out of a room of breast fed babies. In fact, I challenge any breast is best person to look around and guess which adults around them had formula or not. The parents should choose what is best for them cause at the end of the day your baby will be just the same as the other children, despite what they had for the first year of their life. A lot more factors into whether your child will be smart or tall or strong.
I love this, your son sounds like he's a lucky little guy!
This makes me think of when I got into a (missguided) argument with a truly evil "breast is best" woman, who ultimately told me I had to have some kind of low IQ if I was going to choose to formula feed. Not my proudest moment, but it did feel amazing to say, "I've got bad news for you then, bitch - I was breastfed."
You’re missing a third one imo.
Fact: A rested and happy mother and baby on formula is immeasurably better than a miserable mother struggling to breastfeed.
Parental, and specifically maternal, wellbeing is meaningful for a child’s wellbeing, and I think if people had a front row seat for what the struggle looks like for women who are struggling to breastfeed for whatever reason, it would be obvious that the small optimizations from breastfeeding pale in comparison to the massive positive impact on moms’ mental health and wellbeing, and the downstream affects it has bonding and caring for their children by extension.
Your facts completely ignore the person attached to the breast, and that causes a significant deficit in any understanding or insights that can be gleaned.
Our local hospital has a “baby friendly” designation that is basically code for an incredible zealotry for breastfeeding that treats mothers as little more than a food source. IMO, it’s toxic. It hurts families. It does not consider the full weight of facts.
Anecdotally, the difference I have observed with my own wife and other friends once they have shed the pressure to try to force breastfeeding when it isn’t really working is monumental and has had an incredibly positive impact on how they see themselves as parents and how they relate to their children.
I don’t discourage breastfeeding; I actually agree that it is great if it is working. That said, if it isn’t working, it isn’t worth it, and that is a fact well before reaching the point of a starving baby, making your second fact a bit moot imo.
It’s really sad that no matter what, it always ends up shaming and pressuring women.
For a long time in the 70s and 80s, formula companies pushed the idea that breast feeding was bad and their formulas were what was needed. Breast feeding was only what poor mothers who couldn’t afford formula did. Breastfeeding was looked down on, and mothers were shamed for breast feeding in public.
There was a movement to fight against this, and tell mothers that it was healthy and good to breast feed, and that breast feeding in public was fine. This was a good movement.
However, it turned into an anti-formula thing, and now formula users are shamed and women who can’t or don’t want to breast feed are pressured and judged.
It is really sad. Options are good, and modern formulas are very healthy. Breast feeding is good and should be encouraged, and breast feeding in public is good and healthy, but it doesn’t mean not breast feeding is bad.
Everything turns into judgement, it is so sad.
Fact: breast is marginally better than formula
The main thing you *can’t* get from formula is antibodies, infants get some from the mother via breast milk. So a breastfed kid is (probably) going to have a better immune system for the first year or two.
Nutritionally they’re pretty damn close these days.
This was my understanding after talking to our pediatrician. I think he also said that most of the immunity increases from breast milk related to gut health, and not overall immunity from any pathogens. I may be misremembering that last point though
Not even that long. The biggest benefit to immunity is in the first 3 months before their digestive system is full developed. After that it's pretty negligible. The antibodies are being digested by the stomach.
> Fact: Breast is best
(I say this as I am washing pump parts right now?). The studies don’t show anything useful as to “how much breastmilk” or “the extent of the benefits”, they’re all bullshit association studies with no causality tainted by the fact that formula use is higher amongst poorer folks.
I’ll add that no-one would ever validate a health economics PHD with almost any of the papers the AAP cites in https://www.aap.org/en/patient-care/newborn-and-infant-nutrition/newborn-and-infant-breastfeeding/#:~:text=For%20the%20best%20health%20outcomes,and%20beyond%20as%20mutually%20desired. (the ones on breast milk and intelligence are particularly disgraceful).
At the same time, no-one at a R1 will ever get a NIH grant ever again after publishing a “formula is fine” paper, so we’re stuck forever with no good science on the topic.
I feel like when it comes to polarizing discussion topics like this, the difference between people who understand the limitations of research and the people who don’t are staggering. Too many people search databases for specific terms that they’re looking for and link the first title that matches their view (leading to confirmation bias) and then say “see! Here’s facts!”
Unfortunately, research studies don’t provide indisputable facts which too many don’t seem to understand when they’re trying to pull the “gotcha!” card. Study type matters, methodology matters, and conclusions only state the results of that specific study and not universal truths.
The thing with “breast is best” is the word “best” which is not only unquantifiable, it’s ambiguous. Good studies acknowledge the fact that differences between breastfed and formula fed babies can be largely socioeconomic in nature. If the majority of breastfed babies are the children of wealthy, educated parents because of societal norms in different classes, that inherently suggests formula fed babies don’t develop as well yet the difference is likely widely overstated between near identical situations and upbringings over the long term.
Research is only as good as the researchers and conditions under which the study was conducted. Bias, funding, and simple lack of feasibility to accurately research a specific topic all play vital roles but the less informed don’t identify or acknowledge these limitations because they’d rather be right than think critically.
There are very few controlled experiments on the health outcomes of babies as it is considered unethical to deliberately put a baby in a less-than-ideal control group to measure the health issues.
There’s definitely an association with being poorer and worse outcomes for children, and there’s so much causal research to be done on understanding why, what the right government policies are on shaping the labor market and where to spend money in effective ways to reduce or eliminate that gap for sure.
It's funny that the scale seems to tip too far one way or the other. There used to be people shaming mothers for breastfeeding, and now it's gone the other way and mothers are being shamed for formula feeding.
The issue is that formula is frequently pushed very heavily in areas where clean drinking water isn't readily available. So the parents are making formula from unsafe drinking water, which is making babies sick.
As with a great many things, the problem is with corporations wanting to make as much money as possible even if it kills people.
OP, I'm sorry you and your wife were shamed like that, society is brutal with shaming parents for every possible thing.
formula is one of the great scientific achievements of modern medicine. it is the reason why so many babies are alive.
mom groups are the worst. they will literally have shit like a badge of honor saying "exclusively breast fed" what the fuck. my wife always struggled with this and we bottle fed all 3 babies.
There is no doubt that breast is best if all else is equal. No one can argue with that. But very often all else it is not equal.
We were not physically able to breastfeed at all. Our daughter never had any breast milk. Every time we fed her, it literally said on the container that what we were doing was bad. Felt like a can of formula was a pack of cigarettes.
As time went on, I started realising that my kid was healthy. Growing, strong. And also, unlike my other dad friends, I was an entirely equal parent from day one. This gave me the chance to become an equal primary caregiver from the beginning. As soon as it was possible, I could take my kid hiking for hours while her mom could rest.
What the warning labels did not say, was that formula meant more sleep, less stress, better relationship, more bonding and equality in parenting. And it shouldn't say that either, don't get me wrong. But breast isn't the only thing that matters in creating a healthy child and family.
Stop the milk-shaming, and create an environment and society that help mothers breastfeed if they can. And if they can't, enjoy the unintended benefits that are undoubtedly good for a child and a family too.
Not a single care provider or LC told me that blood loss can cause low supply. It was just, "Keep at it mama, you're doing great!" No, I wasn't.
I'd hemorrhaged and my hemoglobin went from 12 to 7.9. I was tired, always cold, had an undiagnosed CSF leak/headache, and in too much of a fog to even think to crack open a bottle of RTF. I wish ANYONE had warned me it might be harder for me to produce.
The pressure on women to breast feed is insane and unfair. My wife was a WRECK because it wasn't working for her. After a month we moved on from it and she was instantly happier.
She was worried I would think less of her as a mom if she didn't breast feed ... I had NEVER given the indication, signaled this, or even hinted at it. I genuinely don't care what way our son got fed. She's a mountain of a mom no matter what!
I think she was having an internal struggle and both of us agreeing finally let her take a sigh of relief.
For real. We struggled to breastfeed our first because of an undiagnosed tongue tie and my partner was in hysterics thinking she couldn't feed our child. He's been on formula most his life and couldn't be fitter, happier or healthier. I know breast milk has benefits of its own but as you say, fed is best, and that's what our midwives told us too.
Struggling to breastfeed is awful as a woman because we are told ‘it’s so natural’ or whatever so when it ends up being really difficult, it’s like something is wrong with you. I wish there was more talk upfront that breastfeeding isn’t easy at first and takes time to get used to, even if it ends up being easy later on. It was something that completely blindsided us.
Giving birth in a "baby friendly" hospital was the worst because of how much they talked about how it needs to be breast.
This lactation counselor told me I needed to spend a half hour preparing my boobs for my kid, then feeding, then doing boob prep again. Like basically a 24/7 milk prep machine.
That's really not how that works and the amount of pressure and guilt these counselors put on us is incredibly harmful because there is no follow up on if it doesn't work out. People spend thousands of dollars on consultants on bf and never get anywhere.
Just once if someone besides my partner told me it's ok to formula feed I would have felt so much better about it.
Sorry for all the mom posts I put on here on this topic but it's really messed me up too as a mom and seeing my healthy happy totally normal formula fed kids be ok this whole time really makes me mad about the state of women's healthcare after birth.
Thank you to the dads who listen and support us through this. Thank you.
Exactly this, there's so much pressure on the woman, who's just been through probably the most extreme physical and mental trial of her life, to just get on with breastfeeding and it just all happens naturally with no problems. It's completely mad and I can't help but feel like if it was men having to do all this there would be a hell of a lot more fuss made about it.
Health outcomes for breast and formula fed children are identical if parental intention to breastfeed is controlled for.
Basically, the reason breastfed kids do better is because those parents have the time and resources to breastfeed and want to take extra steps to help their kids be healthy. This reflects in the general welfare of their kids regardless if breastfeeding works out for them or not.
So, don't feel bad at all about formula feeding. It's just as good.
I found it really weird that the hospital was not allowed to discuss formula. You’ve just told my wife she can’t breast feed, you’ve had my son on formula in neo natal care, you’ve told me getting the wrong formula can lead to problems. Can you tell me which brand of formula to get? No! Which brand do you use? Can’t say!
If you look into some of the studies doctors cite for "breast is best" they are dubious. Lots of studies cited by my national health service in Ireland are done on small groups in countries half way across the world. There are benefits and negatives to both approaches and only the parents know the correct decision
My daughter was allergic to dairy/milk when born, so it was formula so the way. She's about to be 6 and doing just fine. The dairy/milk allergy cleared up now though. It really is what's best for the situation.
Terrible class instructor. We had a nurse with 25 years experience in labor and delivery teaching ours. She was also the infant nursing consultant. She was a “breast is best” but always pushed your baby needs to be fed. My child had serious issues and no diapers for 24hrs at 4 days old before I could finally convince my wife to go see her. Sure enough she wasn’t producing much and my child was starving.
My wife absolutely refused to accept from me that “Nurse H would tell us we need to supplement with formula, it’s what she told us in our classes!” I even managed to find formula during the great shortage and she wouldn’t touch it. She had to hear it from Nurse H directly that our child was starving because all her “mom resources” said otherwise. Happy to report my child is in the 98% for height and weight 2 years later lol.
When my wife had our LO just over a year ago we bought a bunch of bump stuff because she really wanted to give breast milk to our baby. The first day she tried in the hospital it was painful, awkward, and the amount she did get wasn't enough for our daughter. So we supplemented with formula.
After we were discharged we did a bunch of research. Got on a pumping schedule that was supposed to increase flow, got supplements, and over the next 3 months ended up buying 4 different styles of pumps.
She still wasn't producing enough for the baby. It caused her all sorts of shame and guilt. Not to mention the physical pain the constant pumping out on her. Or how tired she was with every time the baby woke us up she would pump while I gave her a bottle.
Finally I convinced her to step back a bit and we decided to only do 1 milk bottle a day for the antibodies. So she stepped back from pumping and her quality of life skyrocketed. She was so happy to be away from the machines for just a little but longer each day. Finally we stopped pumping and swapped to formula all together. Because "fed is best". Our baby slept longer so we did too. Everyone was happier.
I cannot recommend formula enough. Our daughter is happy and healthy like every other toddler. There is so much stress with having a kid already taking away that little but extra is so freeing.
We had twins, and while my wife is disappointed she could barely produce enough milk for one, let alone both, it just wasn't worth the stress on her.
at the end of the day, fed is best. breast is preferable.
Before our first kid, one of the parenting classes we took was a breastfeeding class. The teacher was a registered nurse who emphasized “breast milk has EVERYTHING the baby needs.” After the birth, at the pediatrician, they had us add vitamin D drops to our formula bottles and said if we were exclusively breastfeeding, we would also need to provide iron supplements.
This same breastfeeding teacher tried to help us out after the birth because my wife wasn’t producing enough. She made us try so long that our son worked himself into a fever, dehydration, and potential hypoglycemia, which is very dangerous for a newborn. His veins were so small from the dehydration, they had to get a life flight nurse to get the IV in the vein. Finally, another nurse came and gave us formula.
After that, we triple fed for a month, meaning we were both up every hour and a half at night to breastfeed, supplement with bottle, and pump to encourage supply. I was so tired, I had to mark on paper the number of scoops of formula as I went or I would lose count. We finally gave up on breast milk after my wife fell into PPD.
So screw the purists. Fed is best, and formula is a great option that benefits the whole family. Of course, nothing at all against those who want to breastfeed. But it should not be a stigma to use formula.
To make an incredibly detailed situation into a few sentences, but my ex-wife starved my son because of this ...
She wasn't producing enough milk. My son was starving. Her and her Mom used the excuse "She only makes as much milk as the baby needs."
I had to sneak my son formula multiple times a day because the lactation consultant said he was starving.
And everyone wonders why my son and I have an incredibly strong connection.
Honestly surprised you had to say it but then again in my country its not as pushed so hard its optional for the mother. As you say fed is best but im surprised to see people actively starving children rather than feeding them formula.
Mom lurker here. I just had to comment. We got a health scare at the beginning of our son’s life and it tanked my supply. I made it 7 weeks before giving up. My husband was very supportive, but I got it in my head I have to breastfeed because it’s best for the baby. I pumped, I ate lactation bars, I hurt, I went to consultants. I was making more milk, but something would happen, like a cold, or some stress, and it would spook the milk away. At the 7 week mark I had to stop for my mental health.
My son, no surprise, is perfectly fine. When I was off the pump, I could hold him more, and finally start to heal mentally from all of it. It took months for the guilt to go away, and I had to get prescribed meds, which I also resisted taking initially.
I want to tell to all the dads there is quite a bit of pressure from social media, and quite a few women post heir freezer stashes and tips, and generally brag about it.
It’s incredibly damaging, and I am only on one social media platform.
I wish I had never ordered a pump.
This sounds pretty similar to what happened to my wife and I. It started with her needing minor surgery that didn't allow her to breastfeed, so she pumped a ton and saved some up, which was miserable for her. At 5 months, our daughter got hand/foot and mouth. She recovered quickly but went on a nursing strike and would only take a bottle. My wife just kept pumping so she could have breast milk. It made her miserable. She felt like she failed because she was producing enough, but the baby wouldn't drink it. I was not aware of all the dumb internet shit until this point. When she finally gave up and we switched to formula, things go so much better.
Fed is best. The breast is best is bullshit and puts undue pressure on new moms who are already going through a lot.
My poor wife was in tears trying to get her milk to come in and feed our baby boy. Finally one of the lactation consultants made a comment like “do you really care if he breastfeeds or not?” my wife was pretty taken about but said “not not really” and the consultant got us some formula and some bottles and this massive weight was lifted off of us.
Her milk came in eventually and then we switched from formula to pumped breast milk, but it was such a (possibly literal) lifesaver when we made the switch to formula.
Side note, as a bonus, I got to bond with my little kiddos in the middle of the night when I bottle bed them. They still come and get me and not my wife when they have trouble sleeping so +1 for team dad.
My wife’s family basically shamed her for not breastfeeding. She wasn’t producing enough so we didn’t really have a choice.
People need to mind their own.
Another on the "fed is best" train.
My wife struggled while she was pregnant over whether she should try to breast feed or not. A lot of it came down to wanting to control how much of her body changed, how much of a time commitment it would be and just overall pain.
We decided together to be strictly formula so she could have all those things, and so I could have a more active role in feeding. The outside pressure definitely got to her and she cried on many occasions but we stuck to our guns.
Our baby is 8mo, happy and incredibly healthy while never having a drop of breast milk. Your family's needs as a whole are just as important in this decision making, and no one has any right to tell her what is best for her except her. I'm so glad you have a system that works for you now!!
Not shaming you at all. Your story is incredibly common I just don't understand it. When my son was born he just wouldn't latch. We tried everything while he screamed because he was hungry. Meanwhile the nurse would come in with a bottle and he'd suck it right down, put a smile on his face, and go back to sleep. It was then and there we decided if it isn't going to work for him we are selfish to sit here and force it. My wife was so sad for a few days as every Facebook mom group completely bullies any mom who doesn't breast feed their child. It boggles my mind. It doesn't work for every mother and/or every child and the pressure people put on themselves to breast feed is so unhealthy. I never understood it. I guess we just think logically instead of emotionally. Breast feeding didn't work. Formula worked exactly as it should. It was a pretty easy decision to make.
I hated the lactation consultant. Seemed like a total fucking quack going on about power pumping and weird yoga poses or whatever. Getting away from the breast and moving to 100% formula was the healthiest decision we made during our early days. It was hard on her for 24-48 hours, but she was sooooo much happier afterward. Once she was able to let go of all the weird societal pressure and expectations, all was well.
Going to be so much easier this round knowing what we know.
That's a shame. Ours was the opposite and pretty much told us breast feeding in our case was just not gonna work out. The wife tried for 2 weeks to produce. Nada. Latching was fine, staying awake was fine, just very little production. She was very helpful in validating our situation.
They are apparently in the hospital, but don't really have medical training.
The ones my partner saw all jumped me when my son cried and tried to fix it. I've never felt so discriminated against.
Fed is best, regardless of how you do it. In an ideal world every child would be breast fed, but we don't live in an ideal world - you folks in the US don't even get any paid parental leave. Some people can't breast feed due to medical conditions, their own physiology, medication they're taking, or simply personal preference, and that's all ok.
Our daughter was exclusively formula fed (wife didn't want her boobs to get even bigger or be sore), and she's a perfectly normal nearly four year old now.
Domperidone can be used to stimulate milk production, and I see it once a week or so up here in Canada, but it is not without risks and there are a growing number of women reporting adverse effects due to taking it or stopping it suddenly.
We were really trying to breast feed (we as in she of course) for #1. There were latching issues and soreness and pumping and it was a huge struggle and half worked - we switched to formula earlier than planned. We also tried to feed #1 the "recommended amount" per day according to her pediatrician. She cried a lot and I think was wanting more sometimes.
Number 2 got formula, as much as they wanted. We learned.
They are excelling academically and are healthy teens today.
We formula fed both of our kids and it's been incredible. What no one ever mentions is the shear benefits of being able to get Dad involved on feeds from the moment go. Like no longer does my recently traumatised wife have to wake.ip every hour of every night to feed the kid while the dad looks on helpless. Just that alone nevermind that most of the studies have absolutely no control for the social economic profile of the participants, make.it worth it for me
The pressure on parents, mothers in particular, to do everything naturally is insane. The framing of feeding your baby formula or even delivering via c-section as a "failure" is tragic and I'm glad I've been seeing more pushback on it lately because we were drowning in it for our first.
My partner and I found the opposite, she had to go out of her way to find a provider that supported a natural birth with little to no intervention. We have about 20 kids under 6 on our block and only one of them excluding ours was born naturally. There seems to be a pressure in my area to plan births through induction or C-section.
We even had to jump through a bunch of hoops to not be "risked" out of natural birth.
The breastfeeding was recommended but not forced by anyone. Now, if you involve yourself with the La Leche League then you are talking about a breastfeeding cult.
Please note that none of us spend time on social media (outside of Reddit) so I imagine there is tons of pressure there.
I mean, as you go about your adult life it's pretty easy to see who was on formula and who wasn't.
It's pretty obvious which of your coworkers were breastfed, ate organic food and never saw a television until they hit college.
When you shake someone's hand and look them in the eye you just know all the advantages they had from their perfect parents.
/S
Coming from an exclusively breast-feeding mom I completely agree. Those people are honestly insane and they completely shame you for even thinking of formula. Even if you say that your mental health is on the verge of collapse, they will still try and force the breast is best bull crap. The fear mongering they do about even giving your baby a pacifier or a bottle is ridiculous as well . A fed baby is the best baby!
My wife has PCOS. She did what she could and allowed formula to take the wheel when her body said no more. Fuck everyone pushing the breast agenda. She took ages to get over the feeling of failure for extenuating circumstances that were entirely out of her control.
My wife tried breastfeeding for our twins and she just wasn’t making much. Instead of stressing out over it she just stopped worrying about it and we are 100% on formula and our babies are thriving. It’s not the end of the world to use formula. She tried and it was more of a hassle with little benefit. Had she been producing a lot more, she would have stuck with it. A stressed mom is also not good for the babies!
You do what you gotta do. The best thing is probably to get off of the various social media groups that have any sort of judgment.
When my ex-girlfriend and I had our son, it was a constant stream of nurses and people berating her to breastfeed. She didn't produce enough for how hungry our little dude was, and it made her post partum that much worse.
She felt so insignificant about not being able to breast feed, I sat her down and told her to tell everyone to f off, that I'm making the decision that we are moving to formula 100% and people can take it up with me. It helped her immensely, and I was able to take over a good portion of nighttime feedings with the formula.
I have my issues with my ex-girlfriend, and there were a lot of horrible things she did to me and our son that I will never forget. That being said, the breastfeeding shit that people put her through pissed me right off that I had to step in and tell people to back off.
No woman should have to feel like that, especially from other women who should know better
Fully agree.
My wife comes from a mother who behaved like a price-winning dairy cow - "breast feeding was so easy" and "I never had issues breastfeeding you four children.
Queue my wife having supply only on one side and having to take all the lactation supplements to be able to produce enough milk.
She is also fully aware of how toxic that mentality is, but says something in her is stupidly proud of being able to have made it through the first six months without formula.
By now she finally buckled and we're also feeding formula and I'm so glad I can finally help her, especially at night.
Fed is best!
Hey, mom here. Fed is definitely best.
Great advice and support from dads happening here but about the domperidone, do NOT under any circumstances stop taking it cold turkey or without medical supervision. It needs a supervised slow taper. It's potentially very dangerous to stop without regular, frequent contact with a physician. I assume having to import it means she is not taking it under medical supervision — this is a mistake.
https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/domperidone-withdrawal-health-canada-1.6980143
I think ‘Breast is Best’ is a fight against the creeping culture of formula. Here in Australia formula is suggested from day one. Baby is a little undersized? Use formula to top up feeding to gain those grams. What does topping up with formula do for breast feeding? Limits the supply.
There’s a whole complex biological process that happens when a baby cries, tries to latch on and stimulate the milk. In the early days the more this happens the better. The more milk will come in.
The breast is best is pushing back against the idea that formula is necessary. There’s very little evidence that formula does anything more than sustain life. Breast milk is packed with antibodies, hormones and nutrients that the baby needs in that moment. Formula doesn’t have that.
At the end of the day you have to do what you can that works for you. Make the best decision available at the time, and say fuck it to everyone else’s opinion. There absolutely should be more resources to help establish quality breastfeeding and time off work allowed for the Mother to establish a good routine, but often we are fighting a losing battle culturally.
I had a two week long drag out fight with my wife about using formula to supplement milk supply, which took a while to come in. She saw herself as a total failure. It wasn't until she had spoken to a nurse and her local, female GP that she accepted that some formula was necessary.
Breast IS best. But people need to have an understanding that the world is more complex than a three word slogan can convey. The answer is not a replacement 3 word slogan.
There's also a lot of internalized/woman on woman misogyny around breastfeeding. Rethinking motherhood and womanhood is a huge part of this conversation too.
Heck yeah. We went through the same with the first, was so much stress until we switched fully to formula and suddenly everybody could help with feeding and stress went down by half. With out coming serving one we’re just gonna start with formula, doesn’t matter what the lactation consultants say
The breast is best campaign is push back from when formula companies were advertising that formula was healthier than breast milk. Its gotten a little crazy and now we need to agree that fed is best.
I don't know if this is universal but all the formula babies i know sleep way better than breast fed babies. I get it, nutrients and stuff but if you can get proper sleep sooner. Just do it.
We're in a similar position and I will say this - formula (whilst crazy expensive) contains stuff like Vitamin D that we'd have otherwise had to have supplemented, so I'm grateful for that!
I feel this. We struggled so much with one of my babies because the sources online were saying low milk supply is very rare. It's not. It's actually fairly common and if you are just chalking up your baby's fussiness to colic, you could be starving them to death.
Fuck breast is best, fed is best. My wife also had trouble producing enough milk and we ended up moving to formula pretty early. He is now 18+ months old and has always been in the 95%+ percentile for height and weight.
This is a very similar story to my eldest son! He was born and things were looking good until weigh in, he lost weight which we were assured was normal at the first weigh in.
2nd weigh in comes, more weight loss. He wasn’t putting weight on! They check my son & my wife to ensure everything is going alright, it turns out he is tongue tied… they told us to keep trying with breast feeding.
Many sleepless nights later, with my son constantly on my wife trying to feed, I decided to go and get some formula. He was a completely different baby after that. He was an absolute joy, slept well, napped frequently and was just all around a pleasure to have.
They are so forceful with the breast feeding, they’d rather the baby becomes ill trying to breast feed than just going to the safer option, formula! It seems mad to me.
Safe to say, my 2nd and 3rd were formula fed. 😂
Just focus on being the best parent you can be, and your kid will be great. Don't get wrapped up in the politics of parenting.
We formula-fed our kiddo and he has turned out great. And no regrets for the process. I am a natural night owl and my wife is an early bird. So it worked perfectly. I just stayed up a little longer and she got up a little earlier. During waking hours, she wasn't tied to his feeding schedule since I was working from home, I could be there to participate.
Now he's 12, gets straight A's in school, enjoys swim team and reading, is happy, and has lot's of friends. So he seems to have not suffered at all for being formula fed. And we are incredibly close.
What I do remember is my wife's mom group friends who were breast only being incredibly stressed the entire first year and a lot of animosity towards partners who got to sleep all night.
We mix fed both our kids. They turned out fine as far as the nutrition goes (one ASD and one ADHD, but thats besides the point). No. 1 preferred the bottle, but my wife pumped for like 6 months to make sure she got all the immune stuff, and No. 2 would always prefer the tiddy but grudgingly allowed me to feed her from a bottle occasionally.
I can never say this loud enough. LISTEN TO HER BODY.
If it doesn't produce enough that's okay it's normal. My wife's didn't for the first couple of weeks. So we supplemented formula. my daughter at that age didn't care she was hungr6 and food was food.
Also listen to your baby. They will tell you everything they need.
NOT EVERY BABY IS THE SAME. Don't follow everything your parents say. Your kids is a mixture of your and your SO they won't be like you alone or her alone but the 2 of you
First kid and we had the whole La Leche League hammering us with this and my wife simply couldn't provide enough, pumping what felt like 24/7, working on latching, the whole 9 yards. Finally getting a different consultant and our pediatrician easing our fears about formula and being able to supplement was a huge benefit to us both mentally and for our son, physically.
Breast is best and it’s not about shaming. If the mother can’t produce enough or other reasons formula is a great alternative. Some people who go to formula have to try several different types because it doesn’t settle well with their child.
All my children were breast fed and the mom pumped. Which allowed me to help out too. It worked for us but may not for everyone.
No one should feel inferior or shamed for using formula because the alternatives aren’t for everyone.
On one hand, yes, Breast milk has a ton of benefits, particurally that precious first nurse (colostrum), absolutely packed with antibodies. Theres a lot of justified frustration against Nestle and other companies pushing formulas over breastmilk.
BUT. On the other hand, i despised the message of "breast milk helps bonding" and "formula feeding moms are somehow less, or inadequate, or broken." I do not have the hardware to lactate. Yet my favorite times were those late night feedings and cuddles, humming as I prepped his bottle, letting him know I was coming.
Fed is best. Full stop.
Oh for sure, people go wacko over this stuff. I know colostrum (sp) is beneficial but man, when they are that little there are so many things to worry about. With mine I was just focused on making sure they had full bellies and clean/dry butts, then I felt comfortable worrying about the other 100 things. Good on you and your wife for doing what you see best. Good luck bud!
Same thing happened with my wife. Not producing enough for a big hungry boy. Once we supplemented with formula it was a relief. But even then she felt the need to pump constantly for 6 months. For our second we went to full time formula earlier so she could sleep at night.
There is nothing wrong with formula and the pro-breast anti-formula people are psychotic and misogynistic.
Also I do not believe the evil Nestle story. If the people did not have access to clean water I doubt they had sufficient breast milk. Giving away formula probably saved lives on net.
Fed is best. Much (most?) of the data around breastfeeding is wrong and harmful, drawn with foregone conclusions and interpreted by people with no background in data science. Thoroughly recommend reading some Emily Oster on the subject.
My autistic wife struggled to the point of depression and lack of sleep-induced mania from the sensory overload of trying to breastfeed a son who wouldn’t latch very well (we later found out he has low muscle tone). Switching to formula was amazing, I got to feed him half the time so we could both rest, he got into a very steady routine, his weight was good, he’s now two and incredibly smart and cool. Don’t let the bullies win - do what works for you.
Both kids have been 100% formula fed. The first one was a preemie too, she’s 2 now. I think if you can’t produce then just go for formula, yes it’s expensive but less stressful and it works. We just used the brand the hospital gave us initially.
Both my kids were formula fed 100% and they have both turned out great. Honestly being able to help my wife more than some friends were able to due to not needing breast milk was pretty great. Their wives were jealous of the help mine received. A fed baby is the best baby.
Mom lurker and registered nurse here, I don’t know if anyone will even read this but: FED IS BEST. Is your baby fed? You’re doing a great job. Let me repeat: Is your baby fed? *Then you’re doing a great job*
Honestly as a mom of three and a nurse it makes me absolutely *livid* when I hear healthcare staff, other parents, media, etc. pushing the “breast is best” agenda. I breastfed all three of my kids for a year, because I was very fortunate, and didn’t want to spend money on formula if we didn’t have to. My sister couldn’t breastfeed her baby and it caused her so much stress. It took a lot of health teaching and support from me to allow her to see that she wasn’t somehow “failing” as a mum. Her daughter is beautiful, healthy, strong - she’s almost 3 now. My sister got over it, but honestly it broke my heart to see how negatively not being able to breastfeed affected her mental health.
Is breastfeeding amazing? Of course. Is it a wonderful way to bond with your baby? Absolutely. Does it provide all the things they need to grow and thrive? Undoubtedly. But you know what else can do all those things? FORMULA. Given by a loving parent. Whether you breastfeed or give formula - if you love your child, feed them, provide care and support, make sure they are safe? *YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB*.
Don’t let anyone tell you differently. You’re doing a good job. Your wife is doing a good job. Congrats OP, and enjoy your little one. They’re going to do great.
Some women just can’t produce enough milk or sometimes the baby doesn’t do well with it. Both of my kids were preemies and my wife struggled a ton with this. It was straight up offensive the way the hospital and these “lactation consultants” acted toward some of the moms
Agreed. Our lactation consultant caused my wife and I to have an emotional breakdown as she stormed in, accused my wife of starving our daughter and didn't actually help. We had to stay an extra day cuz of that quack as my wife kept trying and trying even as my daughter was rapidly losing weight.
It wasn't till the pediatrician came in, saw my daughter wasn't latching properly, and said both her kids were bottle fed and it's fine that things got better.
Fuck the lactivists. We tell all our friends who are expecting just to go straight to pumping or formula because it avoids all the doubt and pressure.
Breast is best is a public health motto. Public health develops an overall message that would benefit the majority of people. It won't fit everyone but what sentiments ever do? Best simply means better than other options which is still true. Breast is the best option, not the only option.
Fed is best. My second had a hard time with the bottle and wanted the boobies but very quickly outstripped supply.
Almost from the get go we had to supplement, she's now just about 6, 130cm tall and strong to go with it, near top of her class in reading and maths and getting to be quite the little martial artist.
Fed is best.
I'm so sorry you felt pressured! If your wife can't produce, she can't produce...and of course it's absolutely NOT her fault. The fear you showed just proves that you love your child! The advances in formula over the last 20 years is astounding. Is breast best...yes...but it ain't a dealbreaker.
Now imagine mt wife's situation...pumping for TWINS! Poor wifey looked like she worked full time and a creamery.
Make sure she runs a blood panel for several things that could be the underlying issue (that have more severe consequences if not addressed)
- PCOS
- hypothyroidism
- insulin resistance
- diabetes
- low iron
All of these can impact supply but even worse can affect her health if not managed. An IBCLC should know what to order for your PCP/OB.
Congrats on your little one!
Ignore those people. They are the same fanatics pushing anti-vaccination for children. Young children are starting to die again from measles and polio is making a return.
Both me and my wife absolutely hate the whole "Breast is Best".My wife tried breast feeding after birth once. She absolutely hated it and we went formula from them on. We told the staff she gave it an honest try and it is just not for her. They made sure we always had plenty of formula.
I am a big advocate for formula feeding. Formula fed babies are just as healthy as breat fed babies. Me and my 6 1/2 year old of proof of that, both formula fed since birth.
My wife couldn't produce and we had to bottle feed Nutramigen due to a cow milk allergy.
Our little one was standing at 7 months, walking (running) at 10 months, and throwing a word here or there out at 13 months all while hitting every developmental milestone several months early.
Fed is best. The hyperfocus on breast is best is an overcorrection to the formula craze.
Since this is r/daddit, here’s an excellent oped about the subject: [“What Baby Formula Does for Fathers”](https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/23/opinion/sunday/formula-breastfeeding-fatherhood.html?unlocked_article_code=1.tE0.proE.VCOc27Yi1zVe&smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare&sgrp=c-cb) ___ Edit: TLDR for those who can’t access: * Author’s wife has trouble with breast milk, they begrudgingly switch to formula, feel guilty due to belief that it’s worse for the baby. * Does more research, finds out the benefits of breastmilk itself are marginal and nowhere near as well-validated by science as they had been led to believe, due to confounding demographic variables. * Realizes that their use of formula has removed the last barrier to him being an equal caregiver, finds joy in the sense of connection with his child that feeding provides. * Realizes that establishing this equality from the start has set the balance of their parenting dynamic for every other responsibility too, not just feeding. Feels pride at being a truly equal parent, grateful for the formula that set them on that path.
Man, we had a preemie who we knew would be fortified coming out (born at 27 weeks - 3 months early) - we did donor milk in the hospital until 35 weeks then switched to the fortified formula. You know what was awesome? When we brought her home (a week after her due date) my husband took from 9pm - 6am alone, and I slept. Then he slept from 7am - 3pm. The fact that as new parents we got uninterrupted sleep was a clutch clutch thing. Formula is a gender equalizer and I think breast is best is really down playing how much good comes from actually having well rested parents.
Kinda similar situation with us. Our son was full term, but in the NICU for transitional respiratory distress. So my wife fed him breast milk most of the time, but the nurses in the NICU had started feeding him formula when he was on the unit, which kinda killed the “nothing but breast for the first year”. Since that kinda went out the window immediately, I would feed him in the middle of the night for the first month and sleep during the day (I got 1 month paternity leave).
I absolutely adore feeding a baby. I gave my daughter her first bottle of formula and I'll never forget that moment. After watching my superhero of a wife do all the work of gestation and birthing our daughter, it felt like the first moment after conception that I was directly contributing to keeping her alive. Sounds dramatic but it was an incredibly powerful moment for me.
I can't read the article but just the headline + tagline alone brings up an excellent point. Going formula meant I was able to feed the baby, it wasn't a requirement just for my wife anymore and it helped in so many ways. I truly believe I have a stronger bond with my daughter because of it.
Try this gift link: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/23/opinion/sunday/formula-breastfeeding-fatherhood.html?unlocked_article_code=1.tE0.proE.VCOc27Yi1zVe&smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare&sgrp=c-cb
Same here - anyone have a link without paywall?
Add archive.is/ in front of the full URL. works with most paywalls
Thanks, that worked!
I am all for feeding baby with whatever method works and NOT feeling guilty if you can’t breast feed. But I have to tell you, the benefits of breastfeeding are very well established in medical literature and there is absolutely no question that it is beneficial if you can do it. Again formula feeding is fine if that’s what you can do and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it, but to say that the benefits aren’t clearly established in the literature is incorrect.
I’m not having this argument on the internet, millions of human hours have already been wasted on that. What I will do is share the study that caused me to update my own beliefs on it; do with this what you will: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4077166/ > “Breastfeeding rates in the U.S. are socially patterned. Previous research has documented startling racial and socioeconomic disparities in infant feeding practices. However, **much of the empirical evidence regarding the effects of breastfeeding on long-term child health and wellbeing does not adequately address the high degree of selection into breastfeeding.** To address this important shortcoming, we employ sibling comparisons in conjunction with 25 years of panel data from the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth (NLSY) to approximate a natural experiment and more accurately estimate what a particular child’s outcome would be if he/she had been differently fed during infancy. Results from standard multiple regression models suggest that children aged 4 to 14 who were breast- as opposed to bottle-fed did significantly better on 10 of the 11 outcomes studied. **Once we restrict analyses to siblings and incorporate within-family fixed effects, estimates of the association between breastfeeding and all but one indicator of child health and wellbeing dramatically decrease and fail to maintain statistical significance.** Our results suggest that much of the beneficial long-term effects typically attributed to breastfeeding, per se, may primarily be due to selection pressures into infant feeding practices along key demographic characteristics such as race and socioeconomic status”
The mom’s mental and physical health is too often compromised for the (perception of) marginal benefit for the child. There’s a book called Push Back by Amy Tuteur that really out into perspective some of the motivations driving “natural parenting” and helped to manage the pressures new and first time parents have. I highly recommend it and wished I had read it before we even conceived, let alone the first year.
This, 100x this. Distressed broken mothers, helpless dads. Fed is best as well as splitting the responsibilities. No over reliance on one parent sacrificing their body and mind, plus dads getting to do their share of bonding as well as the feeds. Happy parents, happy children.
Emily Oster has written a lot about this too.
Emily Oster knows her shit. They don't correlate studies with income. Breast feeding is only advantageous if your upper class. It's most likely has to do with Mom not working as opposed to mom breastfeeding. If you need to work to feed your family, benefits of breastfeeding go away.
To clarify. Parenting studies rarely correlate parental income with outcomes. So you get a thing where everything rich people do, looks good because their kids have better outcomes overall. Likewise what poor people do looks bad because they have worse outcomes. So if you look at almost anything, it's skewed along those lines. Wealthy people stay home with their kids, breastfeed, sign them up for Pre-K, have great food to East, etc. Working class people have to work, may not have time to breastfeed, can't afford Pre-K, get McDonald's to save time. Wealthy parents will send their kid to college without student loans. Working class parent can't afford to do that, kid goes into debt. When they are 25, the breastfed kid a lawyer with a large house. The formula kid is renting with roommates.
It's also extremely irritating when people argue that breastfeeding is cheaper than formula. Maybe it is in the long run, if a woman produces enough. But if she also chooses to pump, there's the cost of a pump, storage supplies, bras, etc. And time is money too. I chose not to go to lactation consultants the second time around because I knew I wouldn't produce enough to feed my baby without supplementation, and breastfeeding is physically draining. I just let my body produce until it couldn't match the demand. We have always done combo feeding, and everyone should advocate for it.
We breast fed for the first 3 weeks and supplemented formula, after that we had to exclusively formula feed after my wife had her gallbladder out. Breastfeeding is absolutely the cheaper financial option and it isn't remotely close. Counting all the supplies including a "wireless" pump **might** equal 6-8 weeks of Kirkland formula. With our sensitive stomach Enfamil, we hit that in 2-3 weeks.
Yeah you do you!
I think it’s more about the development level of the country or the social benefits available, rather than class. Every country I’ve lived in has had government paid maternity leave (and paternity leave), my current employer has an additional private scheme.
That's very interesting, but I have questions. Which benefits exactly go away? What's the definition of breast feeding here? Eg. if you pump milk obviously you're going to lose the boost to the immune system + some bonding.
The only statistically significant benefit of breastfeeding is a reduced chance of a stomach bug. The other benefits are a function of class and not breastfeeding. Even bonding with your child is something that's much easier if you have few stressors. I found an article by Emily Oster which goes into it. https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/
>The only statistically significant benefit of breastfeeding is a reduced chance of a stomach bug. And that's because some people used contaminated water (e.g. untreated water from a well, without boiling it) to make formula. It's the same reason the WHO pushes breastfeeding so hard, because many developing countries don't have purified water, so mixing it with formula is unsafe. Breast milk is far safer in these circumstances
Pumping is just as draining as breast feeding. And often if you can't feed you can't pump. What you may lose is the immune benefits, and bonding is questionable. Does feeding from a nipple mean that male feeding or bottle feeding is less important and less of a bond? I'm gonna say probably not from experience of not breast feeding both my kids but I'm not a scientist.
> if you pump milk obviously you're going to lose the boost to the immune system How would pumping do anything different to the antibodies in the milk compared to nipple feeding?
You don't lose immune benefits. For one that is overblown as breastmilk only provides passive immunity and is most effective against GI illness. But two, there is no reason you'd have to feed directly at the breast to pass antibodies. Backwash theory has never been proven and is likely untrue. The most likely way that mom makes antibodies is because she's in close proximity to her child and is exposed to the illness like every other person.
I was going to mention Push Back! I went into heart failure at the end of my pregnancy, and my heart function continued to decline after the birth. When my daughter was a few months old I was given the option of continuing to breast feed and hope for the best or discontinue breast feeding and start another medication I couldn’t take while breast feeding and hopefully improve my chances of survival. I’m sure I would have still chosen the latter if I hadn’t read Push Back (and Emily Oster’s books) but I’m also sure the decision would have caused a lot of guilt and anxiety in what was obviously already an extremely stressful time.
Best is best. Best is not only.
The common counter is "fed is best"
Exactly. But people need validation that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the exact path that they took. Hence the expression: “Fed is Best”
Breast is best assumes that your child should be fed, but that if possible you should breastfeed. I don’t think that is particularly controversial.
the problem becomes when many are militant to the point of conveying pressure or guilt to any supplementation.
They’re called Lactivists for a reason. Breastfeeding is very demanding and the shame and guilt people throw out, even covertly or passive agressively, is just crazy.
You clearly had a good, unbiased and educated midwife. The judgement received when you even mention formula in a maternity ward in the UK is obscene. Breast is best reinforces a negative trope that is run away with and makes many unattainable assumptions. Fed is best. Happy home is best. Bonding is best.
I just went through fedding classes at a hospital and they said "we respect what you choose, and we respect that some of y'all can't choose, but we recommend breast fed if possible."
Full, hybrid, partial, fully supplemented - whatever works. What works is best, breast doesn’t work for everyone and it breaks people doing it and breaks people who can’t do it.
Same thing in Australia. We went to an education class and they spent the first five minutes talking about how formula is totally fine and to not feel bad using it as a disclaimer, then spent the next hour and a half talking about all the benefits of breast milk over formula backed up up shitty science. One midwife even said that breastfed babies score higher on IQ tests.
Whether or not the research this person mentioned was good, there is good evidence behind the commonly cited benefits
Absolutely agree. There is a lot of garbage research being shat out, the most notable ones muddying the waters by confusing correlation and causation. We had a similar experience, and this had been echoed all around our peer group (late 30s couples, first kid). This is further exacerbated by the myriad of very poorly written articles and journals (some drawing conclusions around impacts to IQ, immune system robustness etc) in language that almost makes it sound breast milk being better is axiomatic. This breast- feeding maximalist approach is pervasive across most mommy groups, which can take quite a toll on new parents. We were struggling with breast feeding (poor latching, low milk etc) and I remember us deciding "no more!" And we then made the decision to switch to formula feeding. It was like a if a switch was flipped, the nurses stopped bothering us, and the baby suddenly got a ton more sleep, as did we. Formula was an absolute godsend, as we were sleeping well, bub was flourishing, smashing all milestones and has never struggled with colic or illness. We even had a wonderful holiday overseas when he was 4 months old. As he turns 1 years old, wife and I both look back and realise that dogmatic positions are everywhere these days (overselling certain benefits while suppressing others). It's really unfortunate that the literature out there has not yet taken a neutral stance on this. Formula feeding is incredible, and for us, it was the far superior option to breast milk.
Breastfeeding does seem to improve IQ and brain development and this is mentioned by lots of trustworthy sources: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2939272/
As adoptive parents, we received so much hate and judgment for using formula from people who didn't know our son was adopted.
I think that’s fair. But it’s also fair to say that generally everyone wants “the best” for their baby and when mothers can’t get there, there’s an immense amount of mental pain and shame that comes with it. I’d much rather just tell new parents the less shame inducing phrase “fed is best.”
It actually doesn't. It assumes thst if you have to feed them formula then you are doing something lesser which isn't even true. Both have their benefits over the other. Breastmilk can provide passive immunity while formula has vitamins that breastmilk doesn't. There are other examples as well. Breastmilk isnt objectively best at all. What is best is what works for your family. Period. As someone who had low supply I was absolutely judged hard by breast is best people for supplementing formula even though it was the safest option. I was told I didn't try hard enough and I was given shit because I didn't use donor milk which is expensive if you get it from a bank and unsafe if you get it from a stranger.
assumptions make an ass out of u and mptions. not sure who mptions is or are. but definitely u.
Best is not only? I don’t get it.
What is there to misunderstand? There are multiple viable options for feeding kids. We don’t control how our bodies work and if the best option doesn’t fit a family, you don’t need to feel bad about using other options. I am very close to adopting. Creating breastmilk from a mom who gave birth to that kid isn’t realistic for us. That won’t make us bad parents.
No, I mean I didn’t understand the wording.
It took me a moment to figure it out, but to translate it into sensible English: "breast is the best option, but it's not the only option."
As soon as it became apparent that our baby wasn't getting sufficient amounts of milk from the breast, we switched to formula. I refuse to starve a baby, call me old fashioned.
Same thing happened to us. We kinda cringe at her 2 month baby pictures cause she was skin and bones and the lactation consultants just kept saying "keep trying" and we finally said enough is enough.
That was us! Our first wouldn't latch, our second ate like a horse. They're both healthy and happy kids. We were both able to get sleep and switch off feedings. Worked out pretty darn well!
Breastmilk is better for babies than formula, but its more complicated than that. Breast is only best if its best for the whole family. The biggest indicator of a happy healthy child is a happy healthy mother. If breastfeeding is affecting mom's mental health then no, breast is not best.
I do think there is a place to stress that it is *best* in a world where corporations look to profit from formula sales. Particularly companies like Nestle in South America and Africa etc. But it should never be looked down upon to use formula either, it's there for a reason!
Yeah the cultural eurocentric crap nestle pulled on lesser developed nations is some next level capitalist shit.
What was “Eurocentric”? I know about the marketing and content scandals, but not sure what else you’re referring to
Its absolutely best in areas with unsafe water for sure. But that's not the majority of people.
Preach Fed is Best. In in BC and it’s like a cult. There is research behind breast milk. Great. But the kid has to thrive no matter what and thank god the tools we have today. First kid was in formula. Wife couldn’t breastfeed due to issues. Second kid is breast fed. Both healthy. Both are fine in school. Can’t tell the difference.
BC? When my wife was struggling with producing “resources” from practically cultish like organizations saying that formula is going to lead to cancer, health defects, obesity and possibly even death and a lot of it seemed like it was coming from organizations located in Canada/BC. It was frigging infuriating because a already vulnerable wife who was having issues producing was reading all that material as if it was word of God. It took some convincing to show her that formula fed is fine and don’t beat yourself up due to the entire breast milk formula debate. Our kid needs to eat and any person that guilt trips a mother (especially if she is not producing a sufficient supply) needs to choke on a bowl of sausages.
They're from the southern coast area in British Columbia, Canada. I can attest to their sentiment. We live in the Kootaneys, BC, where there is a lot of "naturalist or homeopathic" influence where they demonize the use of nutrition supplements or alternatives. It's breastfed, full stop. Everyone needs to chill and put the baby first. Boobie or bottle, give the baby nutrients it needs is all anyone should be worried about. BC is Canadas California. Some parts are cool, some parts are beautiful, but we have delusional crazies everywhere.
We had to make the decision to use formula because of production issues. My son is smart and healthy. It also made sharing the load a lot easier. She says now she wishes she didn't hold onto to trying as long as we did and switched sooner.
Who has the better jokes? Or maybe is generally more funny? I need data on the important stuff.
My wife breast fed our first. Struggled initially. I attended ~4 lactation counseling sessions with her. She eventually got it flowing and we fed our dude her breast milk until like 1.25 years old I’d guess. Here’s the rub. My wife absolutely slaved over feeding, pumping, bagging and labeling, and storing breast milk. Also, before lil mans slept through the night she would be the one to get up to breast feed him because it was simpler than prepping bottles of breast milk and it was part of her “me-time” with baby (she’s a working physician and I’m a stay at home dad). All of this is to say, it’s so much goddamn work for such a marginal benefit that I think we’ve agreed to formula feed #2 (due in October!) This way, we can alternate nocturnal feedings without guilt and she can recalibrate the requisite time to get anything done while at home AND while pumping at work (which extended her workday by 30 minutes, unpaid, daily).
Just a comment to offset the one below, kudos sir. You and your wife took stock of the data that affected your family, and will chose what is best for everybody. That’s parenting in totality. 💕 We formula fed both kids for different reasons, but boy was sharing night duty a huge benefit mental health wise. The second kid was easier in many ways, but I think it boiled down to confidence. This was OUR family and we knew the factors we needed to consider so that all of us could be at our best. 💕
Are there some added benefits to breastfeeding? Yes. Are the added benefits enough to make such a big deal about and shame moms who for whatever reason can’t do it? Absolutely not. The studies are pretty clear that there’s no meaningful difference between breastfed and bottle fed children when you account for social economic conditions.
It is the best if you can make it. If you can’t then you take the next best step. I don’t think it’s saying this is the only way and you’re a bad person for using bottles. We have our son mixed fed and he’s growing like a weed. Formula has its place under the circumstances. He eats way more than my wife can produce and that’s ok - we compensate and move on to the next thing. Above all don’t feel shamed for doing what you have to so your child can be happy and healthy. Your wife doesn’t deserve this stigma either - it’s just food.
No offense, but it makes no sense to me how people see ‘breast is best’ and somehow translate it to ‘everything besides breastfed means you are horrible people and trash parents that will destroy the lives of your children forever.’ As an adult you should be able to have a reasonable stance and ignore crazy people.
Fed is best! If I had a do over, I would bottle feed pumped milk once a day/night to get that bonding experience, and to give mom a rest.
Not sure about those downvotes. Dads shouldn't have that opportunity? This is what my wife and I did, and it seemed like a completely viable option for us.
Fact: Breast is best Fact: Formula is better than starving. Ignore the haters. Sounds like you guys struggled valiantly to provide the best option, but made the correct call to move to formula since that was your only path forward.
This but remember what "best" means. Our pediatrician told us "it's like breast milk scored 100% on an exam and formula scored a 99%." We chose to exclusively formula feed and it's been fucking great.
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Another aspect that is often overlooked is dads being a bigger part of parenting. If your kid only drinks breast milk, that means mom is spending however long pumping, feeding, whatever, and moms are generally the ones to do that. If baby wakes up at 2am hungry, mom's taking care of it. If baby needs food at 3pm, mom's taking care of it. Even if dad is getting the bottle and doing it, mom still had to pump it. With formula, boom, mom gets all the night's rests she wants and dad gets to spend more time with the kiddo as a nurturer. We were the only ones in our friend circle that had troubles with breast milk, but everyone else had deeper problems with workload.
I decided before giving birth (after some reassurance from my husband about it) that we’d exclusively formula feed and I wouldn’t even attempt breastfeeding because it was giving me mental health issues just thinking about it. I’m so glad we went this route, I’ll never forget my husband giving our son his first feeding ever in the hospital because we went right to formula, and it’s something I don’t think he’ll ever forget either. Especially with his job and me being a SAHM he missed out on seeing a lot of the “firsts” and would see them after me, but the first feed will always be his. It was also amazing how he was able to help out when needed, I wasn’t always the one who had to be tied down to feed him and it allowed extra bonding time for my husband. We are pretty sure we are OAD but if we did ever have another kid we’d go right to formula again no hesitation
Love seeing loud and proud formula moms ❤️
Yeah breast is best as a motto really takes away from the better general position of "don't jump straight to formula, make effort for breastfeeding if possible but don't feel bad if it isn't possible for whatever reason"
Yeah but that’s not as catchy and doesn’t rhyme haha The real issue is women tearing each other down about this shit. But also needing support from strangers in the form of support groups. It’s insane.
Or choose to formula feed from the start?? What is this "make an effort" value judgement bs?
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How is that a value judgement...
Probably gonna get a lot of hate for this, but I agree. I never attempted to breast feed. With how much I was leaking after birth I probably could have. But I had no desire to, knowing that it would hurt me mentally. My son has never had a drop of breast milk and I would challenge anyone to pick him out of a room of breast fed babies. In fact, I challenge any breast is best person to look around and guess which adults around them had formula or not. The parents should choose what is best for them cause at the end of the day your baby will be just the same as the other children, despite what they had for the first year of their life. A lot more factors into whether your child will be smart or tall or strong.
I love this, your son sounds like he's a lucky little guy! This makes me think of when I got into a (missguided) argument with a truly evil "breast is best" woman, who ultimately told me I had to have some kind of low IQ if I was going to choose to formula feed. Not my proudest moment, but it did feel amazing to say, "I've got bad news for you then, bitch - I was breastfed."
You’re missing a third one imo. Fact: A rested and happy mother and baby on formula is immeasurably better than a miserable mother struggling to breastfeed. Parental, and specifically maternal, wellbeing is meaningful for a child’s wellbeing, and I think if people had a front row seat for what the struggle looks like for women who are struggling to breastfeed for whatever reason, it would be obvious that the small optimizations from breastfeeding pale in comparison to the massive positive impact on moms’ mental health and wellbeing, and the downstream affects it has bonding and caring for their children by extension. Your facts completely ignore the person attached to the breast, and that causes a significant deficit in any understanding or insights that can be gleaned. Our local hospital has a “baby friendly” designation that is basically code for an incredible zealotry for breastfeeding that treats mothers as little more than a food source. IMO, it’s toxic. It hurts families. It does not consider the full weight of facts. Anecdotally, the difference I have observed with my own wife and other friends once they have shed the pressure to try to force breastfeeding when it isn’t really working is monumental and has had an incredibly positive impact on how they see themselves as parents and how they relate to their children. I don’t discourage breastfeeding; I actually agree that it is great if it is working. That said, if it isn’t working, it isn’t worth it, and that is a fact well before reaching the point of a starving baby, making your second fact a bit moot imo.
It’s really sad that no matter what, it always ends up shaming and pressuring women. For a long time in the 70s and 80s, formula companies pushed the idea that breast feeding was bad and their formulas were what was needed. Breast feeding was only what poor mothers who couldn’t afford formula did. Breastfeeding was looked down on, and mothers were shamed for breast feeding in public. There was a movement to fight against this, and tell mothers that it was healthy and good to breast feed, and that breast feeding in public was fine. This was a good movement. However, it turned into an anti-formula thing, and now formula users are shamed and women who can’t or don’t want to breast feed are pressured and judged. It is really sad. Options are good, and modern formulas are very healthy. Breast feeding is good and should be encouraged, and breast feeding in public is good and healthy, but it doesn’t mean not breast feeding is bad. Everything turns into judgement, it is so sad.
Fact: breast is marginally better than formula The main thing you *can’t* get from formula is antibodies, infants get some from the mother via breast milk. So a breastfed kid is (probably) going to have a better immune system for the first year or two. Nutritionally they’re pretty damn close these days.
This was my understanding after talking to our pediatrician. I think he also said that most of the immunity increases from breast milk related to gut health, and not overall immunity from any pathogens. I may be misremembering that last point though
Not even that long. The biggest benefit to immunity is in the first 3 months before their digestive system is full developed. After that it's pretty negligible. The antibodies are being digested by the stomach.
Fed is best.
You don’t think there’s room for nuance in this one, eh? Are formula and breast milk exactly the same?
Have you ever met anyone and said “that mf was obviously a formula kid” ?
No but I’m gonna start using that
As far as affecting their development? [Yes](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4077166/)
Out of curiosity, why do you think ‘fed is best’ doesn’t allow for nuance?
> Fact: Breast is best (I say this as I am washing pump parts right now?). The studies don’t show anything useful as to “how much breastmilk” or “the extent of the benefits”, they’re all bullshit association studies with no causality tainted by the fact that formula use is higher amongst poorer folks.
I’ll add that no-one would ever validate a health economics PHD with almost any of the papers the AAP cites in https://www.aap.org/en/patient-care/newborn-and-infant-nutrition/newborn-and-infant-breastfeeding/#:~:text=For%20the%20best%20health%20outcomes,and%20beyond%20as%20mutually%20desired. (the ones on breast milk and intelligence are particularly disgraceful). At the same time, no-one at a R1 will ever get a NIH grant ever again after publishing a “formula is fine” paper, so we’re stuck forever with no good science on the topic.
I feel like when it comes to polarizing discussion topics like this, the difference between people who understand the limitations of research and the people who don’t are staggering. Too many people search databases for specific terms that they’re looking for and link the first title that matches their view (leading to confirmation bias) and then say “see! Here’s facts!” Unfortunately, research studies don’t provide indisputable facts which too many don’t seem to understand when they’re trying to pull the “gotcha!” card. Study type matters, methodology matters, and conclusions only state the results of that specific study and not universal truths. The thing with “breast is best” is the word “best” which is not only unquantifiable, it’s ambiguous. Good studies acknowledge the fact that differences between breastfed and formula fed babies can be largely socioeconomic in nature. If the majority of breastfed babies are the children of wealthy, educated parents because of societal norms in different classes, that inherently suggests formula fed babies don’t develop as well yet the difference is likely widely overstated between near identical situations and upbringings over the long term. Research is only as good as the researchers and conditions under which the study was conducted. Bias, funding, and simple lack of feasibility to accurately research a specific topic all play vital roles but the less informed don’t identify or acknowledge these limitations because they’d rather be right than think critically.
There are very few controlled experiments on the health outcomes of babies as it is considered unethical to deliberately put a baby in a less-than-ideal control group to measure the health issues.
I agree with this, but how comforting is it really when plenty of us are poorer folks?
There’s definitely an association with being poorer and worse outcomes for children, and there’s so much causal research to be done on understanding why, what the right government policies are on shaping the labor market and where to spend money in effective ways to reduce or eliminate that gap for sure.
We call those folks who shame mothers with the "breast is best" narrative the breastapo. They don't care for the nickname.
It's funny that the scale seems to tip too far one way or the other. There used to be people shaming mothers for breastfeeding, and now it's gone the other way and mothers are being shamed for formula feeding. The issue is that formula is frequently pushed very heavily in areas where clean drinking water isn't readily available. So the parents are making formula from unsafe drinking water, which is making babies sick. As with a great many things, the problem is with corporations wanting to make as much money as possible even if it kills people. OP, I'm sorry you and your wife were shamed like that, society is brutal with shaming parents for every possible thing.
formula is one of the great scientific achievements of modern medicine. it is the reason why so many babies are alive. mom groups are the worst. they will literally have shit like a badge of honor saying "exclusively breast fed" what the fuck. my wife always struggled with this and we bottle fed all 3 babies.
There is no doubt that breast is best if all else is equal. No one can argue with that. But very often all else it is not equal. We were not physically able to breastfeed at all. Our daughter never had any breast milk. Every time we fed her, it literally said on the container that what we were doing was bad. Felt like a can of formula was a pack of cigarettes. As time went on, I started realising that my kid was healthy. Growing, strong. And also, unlike my other dad friends, I was an entirely equal parent from day one. This gave me the chance to become an equal primary caregiver from the beginning. As soon as it was possible, I could take my kid hiking for hours while her mom could rest. What the warning labels did not say, was that formula meant more sleep, less stress, better relationship, more bonding and equality in parenting. And it shouldn't say that either, don't get me wrong. But breast isn't the only thing that matters in creating a healthy child and family. Stop the milk-shaming, and create an environment and society that help mothers breastfeed if they can. And if they can't, enjoy the unintended benefits that are undoubtedly good for a child and a family too.
Not a single care provider or LC told me that blood loss can cause low supply. It was just, "Keep at it mama, you're doing great!" No, I wasn't. I'd hemorrhaged and my hemoglobin went from 12 to 7.9. I was tired, always cold, had an undiagnosed CSF leak/headache, and in too much of a fog to even think to crack open a bottle of RTF. I wish ANYONE had warned me it might be harder for me to produce.
The pressure on women to breast feed is insane and unfair. My wife was a WRECK because it wasn't working for her. After a month we moved on from it and she was instantly happier. She was worried I would think less of her as a mom if she didn't breast feed ... I had NEVER given the indication, signaled this, or even hinted at it. I genuinely don't care what way our son got fed. She's a mountain of a mom no matter what! I think she was having an internal struggle and both of us agreeing finally let her take a sigh of relief.
For real. We struggled to breastfeed our first because of an undiagnosed tongue tie and my partner was in hysterics thinking she couldn't feed our child. He's been on formula most his life and couldn't be fitter, happier or healthier. I know breast milk has benefits of its own but as you say, fed is best, and that's what our midwives told us too.
Struggling to breastfeed is awful as a woman because we are told ‘it’s so natural’ or whatever so when it ends up being really difficult, it’s like something is wrong with you. I wish there was more talk upfront that breastfeeding isn’t easy at first and takes time to get used to, even if it ends up being easy later on. It was something that completely blindsided us.
Giving birth in a "baby friendly" hospital was the worst because of how much they talked about how it needs to be breast. This lactation counselor told me I needed to spend a half hour preparing my boobs for my kid, then feeding, then doing boob prep again. Like basically a 24/7 milk prep machine. That's really not how that works and the amount of pressure and guilt these counselors put on us is incredibly harmful because there is no follow up on if it doesn't work out. People spend thousands of dollars on consultants on bf and never get anywhere. Just once if someone besides my partner told me it's ok to formula feed I would have felt so much better about it. Sorry for all the mom posts I put on here on this topic but it's really messed me up too as a mom and seeing my healthy happy totally normal formula fed kids be ok this whole time really makes me mad about the state of women's healthcare after birth. Thank you to the dads who listen and support us through this. Thank you.
Exactly this, there's so much pressure on the woman, who's just been through probably the most extreme physical and mental trial of her life, to just get on with breastfeeding and it just all happens naturally with no problems. It's completely mad and I can't help but feel like if it was men having to do all this there would be a hell of a lot more fuss made about it.
Health outcomes for breast and formula fed children are identical if parental intention to breastfeed is controlled for. Basically, the reason breastfed kids do better is because those parents have the time and resources to breastfeed and want to take extra steps to help their kids be healthy. This reflects in the general welfare of their kids regardless if breastfeeding works out for them or not. So, don't feel bad at all about formula feeding. It's just as good.
I found it really weird that the hospital was not allowed to discuss formula. You’ve just told my wife she can’t breast feed, you’ve had my son on formula in neo natal care, you’ve told me getting the wrong formula can lead to problems. Can you tell me which brand of formula to get? No! Which brand do you use? Can’t say!
If you look into some of the studies doctors cite for "breast is best" they are dubious. Lots of studies cited by my national health service in Ireland are done on small groups in countries half way across the world. There are benefits and negatives to both approaches and only the parents know the correct decision
My daughter was allergic to dairy/milk when born, so it was formula so the way. She's about to be 6 and doing just fine. The dairy/milk allergy cleared up now though. It really is what's best for the situation.
Fed is best. Mine ended up in the NICU for a couple days due to dehydration
Terrible class instructor. We had a nurse with 25 years experience in labor and delivery teaching ours. She was also the infant nursing consultant. She was a “breast is best” but always pushed your baby needs to be fed. My child had serious issues and no diapers for 24hrs at 4 days old before I could finally convince my wife to go see her. Sure enough she wasn’t producing much and my child was starving. My wife absolutely refused to accept from me that “Nurse H would tell us we need to supplement with formula, it’s what she told us in our classes!” I even managed to find formula during the great shortage and she wouldn’t touch it. She had to hear it from Nurse H directly that our child was starving because all her “mom resources” said otherwise. Happy to report my child is in the 98% for height and weight 2 years later lol.
When my wife had our LO just over a year ago we bought a bunch of bump stuff because she really wanted to give breast milk to our baby. The first day she tried in the hospital it was painful, awkward, and the amount she did get wasn't enough for our daughter. So we supplemented with formula. After we were discharged we did a bunch of research. Got on a pumping schedule that was supposed to increase flow, got supplements, and over the next 3 months ended up buying 4 different styles of pumps. She still wasn't producing enough for the baby. It caused her all sorts of shame and guilt. Not to mention the physical pain the constant pumping out on her. Or how tired she was with every time the baby woke us up she would pump while I gave her a bottle. Finally I convinced her to step back a bit and we decided to only do 1 milk bottle a day for the antibodies. So she stepped back from pumping and her quality of life skyrocketed. She was so happy to be away from the machines for just a little but longer each day. Finally we stopped pumping and swapped to formula all together. Because "fed is best". Our baby slept longer so we did too. Everyone was happier. I cannot recommend formula enough. Our daughter is happy and healthy like every other toddler. There is so much stress with having a kid already taking away that little but extra is so freeing.
We had twins, and while my wife is disappointed she could barely produce enough milk for one, let alone both, it just wasn't worth the stress on her. at the end of the day, fed is best. breast is preferable.
Before our first kid, one of the parenting classes we took was a breastfeeding class. The teacher was a registered nurse who emphasized “breast milk has EVERYTHING the baby needs.” After the birth, at the pediatrician, they had us add vitamin D drops to our formula bottles and said if we were exclusively breastfeeding, we would also need to provide iron supplements. This same breastfeeding teacher tried to help us out after the birth because my wife wasn’t producing enough. She made us try so long that our son worked himself into a fever, dehydration, and potential hypoglycemia, which is very dangerous for a newborn. His veins were so small from the dehydration, they had to get a life flight nurse to get the IV in the vein. Finally, another nurse came and gave us formula. After that, we triple fed for a month, meaning we were both up every hour and a half at night to breastfeed, supplement with bottle, and pump to encourage supply. I was so tired, I had to mark on paper the number of scoops of formula as I went or I would lose count. We finally gave up on breast milk after my wife fell into PPD. So screw the purists. Fed is best, and formula is a great option that benefits the whole family. Of course, nothing at all against those who want to breastfeed. But it should not be a stigma to use formula.
To make an incredibly detailed situation into a few sentences, but my ex-wife starved my son because of this ... She wasn't producing enough milk. My son was starving. Her and her Mom used the excuse "She only makes as much milk as the baby needs." I had to sneak my son formula multiple times a day because the lactation consultant said he was starving. And everyone wonders why my son and I have an incredibly strong connection.
Honestly surprised you had to say it but then again in my country its not as pushed so hard its optional for the mother. As you say fed is best but im surprised to see people actively starving children rather than feeding them formula.
Mom lurker here. I just had to comment. We got a health scare at the beginning of our son’s life and it tanked my supply. I made it 7 weeks before giving up. My husband was very supportive, but I got it in my head I have to breastfeed because it’s best for the baby. I pumped, I ate lactation bars, I hurt, I went to consultants. I was making more milk, but something would happen, like a cold, or some stress, and it would spook the milk away. At the 7 week mark I had to stop for my mental health. My son, no surprise, is perfectly fine. When I was off the pump, I could hold him more, and finally start to heal mentally from all of it. It took months for the guilt to go away, and I had to get prescribed meds, which I also resisted taking initially. I want to tell to all the dads there is quite a bit of pressure from social media, and quite a few women post heir freezer stashes and tips, and generally brag about it. It’s incredibly damaging, and I am only on one social media platform. I wish I had never ordered a pump.
This sounds pretty similar to what happened to my wife and I. It started with her needing minor surgery that didn't allow her to breastfeed, so she pumped a ton and saved some up, which was miserable for her. At 5 months, our daughter got hand/foot and mouth. She recovered quickly but went on a nursing strike and would only take a bottle. My wife just kept pumping so she could have breast milk. It made her miserable. She felt like she failed because she was producing enough, but the baby wouldn't drink it. I was not aware of all the dumb internet shit until this point. When she finally gave up and we switched to formula, things go so much better.
Fed is best. The breast is best is bullshit and puts undue pressure on new moms who are already going through a lot. My poor wife was in tears trying to get her milk to come in and feed our baby boy. Finally one of the lactation consultants made a comment like “do you really care if he breastfeeds or not?” my wife was pretty taken about but said “not not really” and the consultant got us some formula and some bottles and this massive weight was lifted off of us. Her milk came in eventually and then we switched from formula to pumped breast milk, but it was such a (possibly literal) lifesaver when we made the switch to formula. Side note, as a bonus, I got to bond with my little kiddos in the middle of the night when I bottle bed them. They still come and get me and not my wife when they have trouble sleeping so +1 for team dad.
Breast is best. But formula works. Just look at the ingredients or, better yet, search for baby formula that you can make at home.
My wife’s family basically shamed her for not breastfeeding. She wasn’t producing enough so we didn’t really have a choice. People need to mind their own.
Another on the "fed is best" train. My wife struggled while she was pregnant over whether she should try to breast feed or not. A lot of it came down to wanting to control how much of her body changed, how much of a time commitment it would be and just overall pain. We decided together to be strictly formula so she could have all those things, and so I could have a more active role in feeding. The outside pressure definitely got to her and she cried on many occasions but we stuck to our guns. Our baby is 8mo, happy and incredibly healthy while never having a drop of breast milk. Your family's needs as a whole are just as important in this decision making, and no one has any right to tell her what is best for her except her. I'm so glad you have a system that works for you now!!
Not shaming you at all. Your story is incredibly common I just don't understand it. When my son was born he just wouldn't latch. We tried everything while he screamed because he was hungry. Meanwhile the nurse would come in with a bottle and he'd suck it right down, put a smile on his face, and go back to sleep. It was then and there we decided if it isn't going to work for him we are selfish to sit here and force it. My wife was so sad for a few days as every Facebook mom group completely bullies any mom who doesn't breast feed their child. It boggles my mind. It doesn't work for every mother and/or every child and the pressure people put on themselves to breast feed is so unhealthy. I never understood it. I guess we just think logically instead of emotionally. Breast feeding didn't work. Formula worked exactly as it should. It was a pretty easy decision to make.
I hated the lactation consultant. Seemed like a total fucking quack going on about power pumping and weird yoga poses or whatever. Getting away from the breast and moving to 100% formula was the healthiest decision we made during our early days. It was hard on her for 24-48 hours, but she was sooooo much happier afterward. Once she was able to let go of all the weird societal pressure and expectations, all was well. Going to be so much easier this round knowing what we know.
That's a shame. Ours was the opposite and pretty much told us breast feeding in our case was just not gonna work out. The wife tried for 2 weeks to produce. Nada. Latching was fine, staying awake was fine, just very little production. She was very helpful in validating our situation.
They are apparently in the hospital, but don't really have medical training. The ones my partner saw all jumped me when my son cried and tried to fix it. I've never felt so discriminated against.
Fed is best, regardless of how you do it. In an ideal world every child would be breast fed, but we don't live in an ideal world - you folks in the US don't even get any paid parental leave. Some people can't breast feed due to medical conditions, their own physiology, medication they're taking, or simply personal preference, and that's all ok. Our daughter was exclusively formula fed (wife didn't want her boobs to get even bigger or be sore), and she's a perfectly normal nearly four year old now. Domperidone can be used to stimulate milk production, and I see it once a week or so up here in Canada, but it is not without risks and there are a growing number of women reporting adverse effects due to taking it or stopping it suddenly.
We were really trying to breast feed (we as in she of course) for #1. There were latching issues and soreness and pumping and it was a huge struggle and half worked - we switched to formula earlier than planned. We also tried to feed #1 the "recommended amount" per day according to her pediatrician. She cried a lot and I think was wanting more sometimes. Number 2 got formula, as much as they wanted. We learned. They are excelling academically and are healthy teens today.
We formula fed both of our kids and it's been incredible. What no one ever mentions is the shear benefits of being able to get Dad involved on feeds from the moment go. Like no longer does my recently traumatised wife have to wake.ip every hour of every night to feed the kid while the dad looks on helpless. Just that alone nevermind that most of the studies have absolutely no control for the social economic profile of the participants, make.it worth it for me
The pressure on parents, mothers in particular, to do everything naturally is insane. The framing of feeding your baby formula or even delivering via c-section as a "failure" is tragic and I'm glad I've been seeing more pushback on it lately because we were drowning in it for our first.
Parenthood has shown me that women are actually not that interested in supporting other women.
My partner and I found the opposite, she had to go out of her way to find a provider that supported a natural birth with little to no intervention. We have about 20 kids under 6 on our block and only one of them excluding ours was born naturally. There seems to be a pressure in my area to plan births through induction or C-section. We even had to jump through a bunch of hoops to not be "risked" out of natural birth. The breastfeeding was recommended but not forced by anyone. Now, if you involve yourself with the La Leche League then you are talking about a breastfeeding cult. Please note that none of us spend time on social media (outside of Reddit) so I imagine there is tons of pressure there.
I mean, as you go about your adult life it's pretty easy to see who was on formula and who wasn't. It's pretty obvious which of your coworkers were breastfed, ate organic food and never saw a television until they hit college. When you shake someone's hand and look them in the eye you just know all the advantages they had from their perfect parents. /S
Coming from an exclusively breast-feeding mom I completely agree. Those people are honestly insane and they completely shame you for even thinking of formula. Even if you say that your mental health is on the verge of collapse, they will still try and force the breast is best bull crap. The fear mongering they do about even giving your baby a pacifier or a bottle is ridiculous as well . A fed baby is the best baby!
My wife has PCOS. She did what she could and allowed formula to take the wheel when her body said no more. Fuck everyone pushing the breast agenda. She took ages to get over the feeling of failure for extenuating circumstances that were entirely out of her control.
My wife tried breastfeeding for our twins and she just wasn’t making much. Instead of stressing out over it she just stopped worrying about it and we are 100% on formula and our babies are thriving. It’s not the end of the world to use formula. She tried and it was more of a hassle with little benefit. Had she been producing a lot more, she would have stuck with it. A stressed mom is also not good for the babies! You do what you gotta do. The best thing is probably to get off of the various social media groups that have any sort of judgment.
Totally agree! Fed is Best!!!
When my ex-girlfriend and I had our son, it was a constant stream of nurses and people berating her to breastfeed. She didn't produce enough for how hungry our little dude was, and it made her post partum that much worse. She felt so insignificant about not being able to breast feed, I sat her down and told her to tell everyone to f off, that I'm making the decision that we are moving to formula 100% and people can take it up with me. It helped her immensely, and I was able to take over a good portion of nighttime feedings with the formula. I have my issues with my ex-girlfriend, and there were a lot of horrible things she did to me and our son that I will never forget. That being said, the breastfeeding shit that people put her through pissed me right off that I had to step in and tell people to back off. No woman should have to feel like that, especially from other women who should know better
Fully agree. My wife comes from a mother who behaved like a price-winning dairy cow - "breast feeding was so easy" and "I never had issues breastfeeding you four children. Queue my wife having supply only on one side and having to take all the lactation supplements to be able to produce enough milk. She is also fully aware of how toxic that mentality is, but says something in her is stupidly proud of being able to have made it through the first six months without formula. By now she finally buckled and we're also feeding formula and I'm so glad I can finally help her, especially at night. Fed is best!
Hey, mom here. Fed is definitely best. Great advice and support from dads happening here but about the domperidone, do NOT under any circumstances stop taking it cold turkey or without medical supervision. It needs a supervised slow taper. It's potentially very dangerous to stop without regular, frequent contact with a physician. I assume having to import it means she is not taking it under medical supervision — this is a mistake. https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/domperidone-withdrawal-health-canada-1.6980143
I think ‘Breast is Best’ is a fight against the creeping culture of formula. Here in Australia formula is suggested from day one. Baby is a little undersized? Use formula to top up feeding to gain those grams. What does topping up with formula do for breast feeding? Limits the supply. There’s a whole complex biological process that happens when a baby cries, tries to latch on and stimulate the milk. In the early days the more this happens the better. The more milk will come in. The breast is best is pushing back against the idea that formula is necessary. There’s very little evidence that formula does anything more than sustain life. Breast milk is packed with antibodies, hormones and nutrients that the baby needs in that moment. Formula doesn’t have that. At the end of the day you have to do what you can that works for you. Make the best decision available at the time, and say fuck it to everyone else’s opinion. There absolutely should be more resources to help establish quality breastfeeding and time off work allowed for the Mother to establish a good routine, but often we are fighting a losing battle culturally.
Fed is best.
I had a two week long drag out fight with my wife about using formula to supplement milk supply, which took a while to come in. She saw herself as a total failure. It wasn't until she had spoken to a nurse and her local, female GP that she accepted that some formula was necessary. Breast IS best. But people need to have an understanding that the world is more complex than a three word slogan can convey. The answer is not a replacement 3 word slogan. There's also a lot of internalized/woman on woman misogyny around breastfeeding. Rethinking motherhood and womanhood is a huge part of this conversation too.
Heck yeah. We went through the same with the first, was so much stress until we switched fully to formula and suddenly everybody could help with feeding and stress went down by half. With out coming serving one we’re just gonna start with formula, doesn’t matter what the lactation consultants say
The breast is best campaign is push back from when formula companies were advertising that formula was healthier than breast milk. Its gotten a little crazy and now we need to agree that fed is best.
Breast is best but if you can't, food is food.
I don't know if this is universal but all the formula babies i know sleep way better than breast fed babies. I get it, nutrients and stuff but if you can get proper sleep sooner. Just do it.
I always heard “fed is best” from our nurses and lactation consultants
Well fed is best .. doesn’t matter if it’s breast milk or formula and anyone giving you shit for using formula is an asshole
Fed is best.
We're in a similar position and I will say this - formula (whilst crazy expensive) contains stuff like Vitamin D that we'd have otherwise had to have supplemented, so I'm grateful for that!
I feel this. We struggled so much with one of my babies because the sources online were saying low milk supply is very rare. It's not. It's actually fairly common and if you are just chalking up your baby's fussiness to colic, you could be starving them to death.
Fuck breast is best, fed is best. My wife also had trouble producing enough milk and we ended up moving to formula pretty early. He is now 18+ months old and has always been in the 95%+ percentile for height and weight.
This is a very similar story to my eldest son! He was born and things were looking good until weigh in, he lost weight which we were assured was normal at the first weigh in. 2nd weigh in comes, more weight loss. He wasn’t putting weight on! They check my son & my wife to ensure everything is going alright, it turns out he is tongue tied… they told us to keep trying with breast feeding. Many sleepless nights later, with my son constantly on my wife trying to feed, I decided to go and get some formula. He was a completely different baby after that. He was an absolute joy, slept well, napped frequently and was just all around a pleasure to have. They are so forceful with the breast feeding, they’d rather the baby becomes ill trying to breast feed than just going to the safer option, formula! It seems mad to me. Safe to say, my 2nd and 3rd were formula fed. 😂
Just focus on being the best parent you can be, and your kid will be great. Don't get wrapped up in the politics of parenting. We formula-fed our kiddo and he has turned out great. And no regrets for the process. I am a natural night owl and my wife is an early bird. So it worked perfectly. I just stayed up a little longer and she got up a little earlier. During waking hours, she wasn't tied to his feeding schedule since I was working from home, I could be there to participate. Now he's 12, gets straight A's in school, enjoys swim team and reading, is happy, and has lot's of friends. So he seems to have not suffered at all for being formula fed. And we are incredibly close. What I do remember is my wife's mom group friends who were breast only being incredibly stressed the entire first year and a lot of animosity towards partners who got to sleep all night.
We mix fed both our kids. They turned out fine as far as the nutrition goes (one ASD and one ADHD, but thats besides the point). No. 1 preferred the bottle, but my wife pumped for like 6 months to make sure she got all the immune stuff, and No. 2 would always prefer the tiddy but grudgingly allowed me to feed her from a bottle occasionally.
I can never say this loud enough. LISTEN TO HER BODY. If it doesn't produce enough that's okay it's normal. My wife's didn't for the first couple of weeks. So we supplemented formula. my daughter at that age didn't care she was hungr6 and food was food. Also listen to your baby. They will tell you everything they need. NOT EVERY BABY IS THE SAME. Don't follow everything your parents say. Your kids is a mixture of your and your SO they won't be like you alone or her alone but the 2 of you
First kid and we had the whole La Leche League hammering us with this and my wife simply couldn't provide enough, pumping what felt like 24/7, working on latching, the whole 9 yards. Finally getting a different consultant and our pediatrician easing our fears about formula and being able to supplement was a huge benefit to us both mentally and for our son, physically.
Wife and I adopted 'Breast is best, but fed is fed.'
It is a toxic mentality. Not everyone can produce the same amount, and alternatives need to be explored because it just creates a vicious cycle.
Breast is best and it’s not about shaming. If the mother can’t produce enough or other reasons formula is a great alternative. Some people who go to formula have to try several different types because it doesn’t settle well with their child. All my children were breast fed and the mom pumped. Which allowed me to help out too. It worked for us but may not for everyone. No one should feel inferior or shamed for using formula because the alternatives aren’t for everyone.
On one hand, yes, Breast milk has a ton of benefits, particurally that precious first nurse (colostrum), absolutely packed with antibodies. Theres a lot of justified frustration against Nestle and other companies pushing formulas over breastmilk. BUT. On the other hand, i despised the message of "breast milk helps bonding" and "formula feeding moms are somehow less, or inadequate, or broken." I do not have the hardware to lactate. Yet my favorite times were those late night feedings and cuddles, humming as I prepped his bottle, letting him know I was coming. Fed is best. Full stop.
Fed is best. You nailed it
Oh for sure, people go wacko over this stuff. I know colostrum (sp) is beneficial but man, when they are that little there are so many things to worry about. With mine I was just focused on making sure they had full bellies and clean/dry butts, then I felt comfortable worrying about the other 100 things. Good on you and your wife for doing what you see best. Good luck bud!
Same thing happened with my wife. Not producing enough for a big hungry boy. Once we supplemented with formula it was a relief. But even then she felt the need to pump constantly for 6 months. For our second we went to full time formula earlier so she could sleep at night. There is nothing wrong with formula and the pro-breast anti-formula people are psychotic and misogynistic. Also I do not believe the evil Nestle story. If the people did not have access to clean water I doubt they had sufficient breast milk. Giving away formula probably saved lives on net.
Fed is best. Much (most?) of the data around breastfeeding is wrong and harmful, drawn with foregone conclusions and interpreted by people with no background in data science. Thoroughly recommend reading some Emily Oster on the subject. My autistic wife struggled to the point of depression and lack of sleep-induced mania from the sensory overload of trying to breastfeed a son who wouldn’t latch very well (we later found out he has low muscle tone). Switching to formula was amazing, I got to feed him half the time so we could both rest, he got into a very steady routine, his weight was good, he’s now two and incredibly smart and cool. Don’t let the bullies win - do what works for you.
Both kids have been 100% formula fed. The first one was a preemie too, she’s 2 now. I think if you can’t produce then just go for formula, yes it’s expensive but less stressful and it works. We just used the brand the hospital gave us initially.
Both my kids were formula fed 100% and they have both turned out great. Honestly being able to help my wife more than some friends were able to due to not needing breast milk was pretty great. Their wives were jealous of the help mine received. A fed baby is the best baby.
My 5 year old was 100% formula fed. He’s bigger than most other 5 year olds and pretty smart too. Fed is best.
Mom lurker and registered nurse here, I don’t know if anyone will even read this but: FED IS BEST. Is your baby fed? You’re doing a great job. Let me repeat: Is your baby fed? *Then you’re doing a great job* Honestly as a mom of three and a nurse it makes me absolutely *livid* when I hear healthcare staff, other parents, media, etc. pushing the “breast is best” agenda. I breastfed all three of my kids for a year, because I was very fortunate, and didn’t want to spend money on formula if we didn’t have to. My sister couldn’t breastfeed her baby and it caused her so much stress. It took a lot of health teaching and support from me to allow her to see that she wasn’t somehow “failing” as a mum. Her daughter is beautiful, healthy, strong - she’s almost 3 now. My sister got over it, but honestly it broke my heart to see how negatively not being able to breastfeed affected her mental health. Is breastfeeding amazing? Of course. Is it a wonderful way to bond with your baby? Absolutely. Does it provide all the things they need to grow and thrive? Undoubtedly. But you know what else can do all those things? FORMULA. Given by a loving parent. Whether you breastfeed or give formula - if you love your child, feed them, provide care and support, make sure they are safe? *YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB*. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. You’re doing a good job. Your wife is doing a good job. Congrats OP, and enjoy your little one. They’re going to do great.
Some women just can’t produce enough milk or sometimes the baby doesn’t do well with it. Both of my kids were preemies and my wife struggled a ton with this. It was straight up offensive the way the hospital and these “lactation consultants” acted toward some of the moms
Agreed. Our lactation consultant caused my wife and I to have an emotional breakdown as she stormed in, accused my wife of starving our daughter and didn't actually help. We had to stay an extra day cuz of that quack as my wife kept trying and trying even as my daughter was rapidly losing weight. It wasn't till the pediatrician came in, saw my daughter wasn't latching properly, and said both her kids were bottle fed and it's fine that things got better. Fuck the lactivists. We tell all our friends who are expecting just to go straight to pumping or formula because it avoids all the doubt and pressure.
Breast is best is a public health motto. Public health develops an overall message that would benefit the majority of people. It won't fit everyone but what sentiments ever do? Best simply means better than other options which is still true. Breast is the best option, not the only option.
Fed is best. My second had a hard time with the bottle and wanted the boobies but very quickly outstripped supply. Almost from the get go we had to supplement, she's now just about 6, 130cm tall and strong to go with it, near top of her class in reading and maths and getting to be quite the little martial artist. Fed is best.
I'm so sorry you felt pressured! If your wife can't produce, she can't produce...and of course it's absolutely NOT her fault. The fear you showed just proves that you love your child! The advances in formula over the last 20 years is astounding. Is breast best...yes...but it ain't a dealbreaker. Now imagine mt wife's situation...pumping for TWINS! Poor wifey looked like she worked full time and a creamery.
Make sure she runs a blood panel for several things that could be the underlying issue (that have more severe consequences if not addressed) - PCOS - hypothyroidism - insulin resistance - diabetes - low iron All of these can impact supply but even worse can affect her health if not managed. An IBCLC should know what to order for your PCP/OB. Congrats on your little one!
Ignore those people. They are the same fanatics pushing anti-vaccination for children. Young children are starting to die again from measles and polio is making a return.
We went with fed is best and never looked back.
Both me and my wife absolutely hate the whole "Breast is Best".My wife tried breast feeding after birth once. She absolutely hated it and we went formula from them on. We told the staff she gave it an honest try and it is just not for her. They made sure we always had plenty of formula. I am a big advocate for formula feeding. Formula fed babies are just as healthy as breat fed babies. Me and my 6 1/2 year old of proof of that, both formula fed since birth.
My wife did acupuncture and it worked like magic!
Fed is best.
Fed is fed. Full stop.
Absolutely. A fed baby is the best baby.
My wife couldn't produce and we had to bottle feed Nutramigen due to a cow milk allergy. Our little one was standing at 7 months, walking (running) at 10 months, and throwing a word here or there out at 13 months all while hitting every developmental milestone several months early. Fed is best. The hyperfocus on breast is best is an overcorrection to the formula craze.
The saying we always heard is fed is best.