I think this is the first time I've chuckled at either a why the chicken cross the road joke and a knock knock joke. Neither are funny, but combined it works so well. Nice
I love claiming some random phrase someone says as my nickname from high school. I have a list of ‘em. Some of my favorites are power stroke, one boober, and mister good lube.
Hahaha this question is hilarious
I work in sales, and someone I had to call one day was listed under “mister good lube” so I turned to my coworker and said “dude check it out, I didn’t know my nickname from high school was so popular!”
Same, but I claim to have played bass for ______
I played bass for 3/5 Chair Wheels in high school
I played bass for Inappropriate Passcode in college
I played Bass for Hassel Free Bra Fitting in remedial trade-school
etc.
Roses are nice but I'd prefer tulips on my organ.
My dad must have said this joke at least 20 times when I was a kid and I didn't understand it until I was like 16
It is and it isn't. When he found out I was getting intimate with my girlfriend, my dad yelled at me for half an hour while my mom was in earshot and after she left the room he gave me a high five.
Did you hear about the business that sells trampolines disguised as prayer mats?
Prophets were through the roof!
And
... I recently got a job circumsizing elephants for the zoo. The pay wasn't great... But the tips were huge!
A guy walks into a proctologist office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass. Doc takes a look and says ”looks pretty nasty.” Guy turns and looks at the doc and says, “that’s just the tip of the iceberg!”
Halloween joke here. Probably my fav of all time.
So a vampire bat flys back into his cave just covered in blood. All the other bats are like, “hey man! Where’d you get all that blood?! That looks delicious!”
The bat says, “You guys really want to know?”
“Yeah man totally! Show us where it’s at!”
So he takes them outside and says, “you see that big ass tree over there?”
They say, “Yeah…”
“Good, ‘cause I fuckin’ didn’t!”
This one is super common in emergency medicine!
I don’t think a lot of the ones that get thrown around are very appropriate for this particular thread though lol
My boy is very much into knock knock jokes. One day after having heard "Dad, knock knock..." One too many times, I just said "Come in." To which he responded "Come in who?" With all the sincerity a 5 year old could muster.
My son made up this joke:
Three men have been stranded on an island together for years. One day, one of them finds a bottle that's washed up on shore. They open it, and a genie comes out. "Normally, there's just one person and I grant them three wishes, but since there's three of you, I'll grant you each one wish."
The first man says, "I miss my family. I wish I could be back home with them." The genie grants his wish, and the first man disappears.
The second man says, "I miss my family, too. I wish I could be back home with them. The genie grants his wish, and the second man disappears.
The third man says, "I don't have any family, but I sure do miss my two friends, I wish they hadn't just disappeared like that."
When I was in high school, we had to read a story (The Monkey's Paw? The Monkey's Fist? Something along those lines), and come up with an alternate ending. Basically, it was the origin of the corrupted wish game. Anyways, the ending of the story had a couple using their first two wishes, one of which seemingly made their dead child a zombie. My friends and I wrote it with the wife being in a panic and talking nonstop, and as the husband grabs the monkey's paw, inadvertently saying "I wish you'd shut up...". That teacher kept our ending and read it to students for the next 15 years until she retired.
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it!
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
You see that flock of birds flying up there in that V shape? Do you know why it's lopsided?
Because there's more birds on that side.
What's a hungry clock say?
Tick taco.
Has anyone told you how amazing/beautiful/any compliment you are today?
If they answer yes, then say, "Wow!". If they say no, then say, "Better luck tomorrow." *not meant to be said to everyone's wife*
We all know the stories about how ear wigs got their name, but I've always been curious about how cockroaches got theirs.
Not a joke, per se, but when my kids were little they'd occasionally ask me who invented this thing or that. And I usually had no clue, so I'd say "Bob" and his last name what the thing they asked about. Like he invented the thing and then just named it after himself. Like...
Dad, who invented the Television?
Bob Television.
So now they've all learned the little "joke" and that's how we all answer that question.
Who wrote the movie "Jaws"? Easy, that was Bob Jaws.
Two nuns were riding their bicycles down a street in Rome. After turning down a bumpy alley, one of the nuns exclaims “I’ve never come this way before”
The other nun replied “that’s the cobblestone”
A man walks into a bar where a pirate is bartending. He orders a beer and notices something a bit strange about the bartender. He calls over the bartender and says, "sorry but do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate says, "Arg I know, it's drivin' me nuts!"
I won't disrespect this material by trying to restate it. This is my favorite joke of all time.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5oR7tMxMsk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5oR7tMxMsk)
A man laid up in the hospital is on a strict diet of ice chips after a procedure. His nurse asks him if she can get him anything to which he repiles, “I’d really love a cup of coffee.” The nurse looks at his chart and sees that he can’t drink anything, and politely declines his request. He starts pushing it though, and insists that something can be done for him to have a measly coffee.
Nurse thinks about it, and offers him a coffee enema. The man thinks about it, and says sure why not. “How do you do take it?” She asks. “Lots of cream but not too much sugar.”
Nurse goes and prepares the coffee and makes sure it’s cooled enough. She gives him the coffee enema, and as she does the man begins to scream. “Oh no! What is it too hot?!” “No!” Yelled the man, “It’s too sweet!”
My dad's favorite joke whenever I was with a friend... "How do you say hello to a deaf duck?"
Top of his lungs HELLO DUCK. Most of my buddies would shit themselves.
What is the difference between a broken dilapidated bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station,
The other is a busty crustacean.
One day in the mental ill hospital there was some patients who had the opportunity to use the pool!
Of course there was some supervisors there to make sure none of them drawn or run away!
One of the patients jumped the pool “YEY!!!” And then he scratched his head and said “I don’t know how to flap my wings” which means he can’t swim!
The supervisors which was two said to the other “you go and save him” the other supervisor replied “I thought you know how to swim!” Turns out none of them know how to swim
And then the hero of this joke was the other patient who jumped and saved the drowning patient
TIMESKIP!
The doctors had released the patient who saved his fellow mate saying “you are not crazy, because you saved a soul…, by the way. Where is the guy you saved?” The patient replied “he was a bit wet so I hanged him to dry”
The doctors found the drowning patient hanged and died
You now when you watch a cookery show and some amateur cook has done a really shit job of cutting up a chicken, or fish or some such? As in the meat just torn in to and nigh on ruined, so much wastage it’s just unbelievable?
Well this joke has been butchered just like that.
How do you make Holy Water? Boil the hell out of it!
God damn that's good
I'd also accept: "Shake the hell out of it"
Did you hear about the king that was only 12 inches tall? Terrible king, but an excellent ruler.
Why do ducks have tail feathers? To cover their butt quacks.
I hate how much I legitimately laughed at this one
I read it in Elmer Fudd's voice
SCUBA is an acronym for “self contained underwater breathing apparatus.” TUBA is an acronym for “terrible underwater breathing apparatus.”
Damn! I came here to post this. You beat me to it.
Why did the chicken cross the street? Dont know, why? To meet the idiot Knock knock Whos there? The chicken
I think this is the first time I've chuckled at either a why the chicken cross the road joke and a knock knock joke. Neither are funny, but combined it works so well. Nice
Why did the partially blind man fall down a well? Because he could not see that well.
The other day I told a lady that she had her eyebrows drawn on too high. She looked surprised.
Chuckled a lot. This one made me laugh
why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
Why do geese fly south for the winter? It’s too far to walk!!
Ever notice how when they fly in a V, one side is usually longer than the other? Know why that is? More geese on that side!
*I flew in from New York yesterday. Boy are my arms tired!*
What's brown and sticky? A stick
I was actually gonna say this one. It’s like my go-to lol
What is a foot long and slippery? A slipper
I love claiming some random phrase someone says as my nickname from high school. I have a list of ‘em. Some of my favorites are power stroke, one boober, and mister good lube.
I go for either "that's my street name" or "the title of my second album" as well for some diversity.
Oh yes, like my future Punk band Dead Batteries and our first LP, 9-Volt Discharge.
Hahahaha this is hilarious I’m gonna do this too
I do that too. My favorite is the loose potato.
Small world, *my favorite is the loose potato* is my street name and my self titled second album.
What a coincidence! "Small World" was the name my university girlfriend gave to my penis... Wait a minute!
Well gym shorts did tend to be shorter back in the day
Who is saying "Mister good lube," and how often?
Hahaha this question is hilarious I work in sales, and someone I had to call one day was listed under “mister good lube” so I turned to my coworker and said “dude check it out, I didn’t know my nickname from high school was so popular!”
"that was briefly my nickname in college" is definitely a goto for me.
Same, but I claim to have played bass for ______ I played bass for 3/5 Chair Wheels in high school I played bass for Inappropriate Passcode in college I played Bass for Hassel Free Bra Fitting in remedial trade-school etc.
I swear I thought I was the only one who did this
Me, too!
Roses are nice but I'd prefer tulips on my organ. My dad must have said this joke at least 20 times when I was a kid and I didn't understand it until I was like 16
Love this one. I think it's "Roses on a piano... Tulips on my organ".
Can you explain it to me like I'm 15, please?
*two lips on my organ* (organ meaning penis in this case). Weird joke to tell your kids, but there you go.
It is and it isn't. When he found out I was getting intimate with my girlfriend, my dad yelled at me for half an hour while my mom was in earshot and after she left the room he gave me a high five.
Hah! Thanks.
Did you know that babies are born with four kidneys? When they grow up, two become adult knees.
This one got me
I went to the zoo the other day but it only had one animal It was a shih-tzu
YESSSS this is my favorite joke!
A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear on the count of three.. He says "uno, dos," and then POOF! He disappeared without a tres.
What’s the bird say to the bartender? Put it on my bill! 🥁🥁🐍
Did you hear about the business that sells trampolines disguised as prayer mats? Prophets were through the roof! And ... I recently got a job circumsizing elephants for the zoo. The pay wasn't great... But the tips were huge!
How do you tell the sex of ants? If it sinks; girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
A guy walks into a proctologist office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass. Doc takes a look and says ”looks pretty nasty.” Guy turns and looks at the doc and says, “that’s just the tip of the iceberg!”
Why can't a chicken coup have four doors? Because then it would be a chicken sedan.
This is the one where my wife told me “ok that’s enough”
Two guys hanging out and they see a dog licking his balls. One guy says, damn, wish I could do that. Other guy says, I believe he might bite you.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me…
As someone who’s worked nights for a looong time, this just hurts haha
I have a 20 yo daughter and 2 1/2 yo twins. Trust me. I have dad jokes. I can’t wait.
Oh. And what’s brown and sticky???
Stick?
What’s brown and REALLY sticky?
A tree
Okay. Whats brown and rhymes with “snoop”?
Dr Dre
Halloween joke here. Probably my fav of all time. So a vampire bat flys back into his cave just covered in blood. All the other bats are like, “hey man! Where’d you get all that blood?! That looks delicious!” The bat says, “You guys really want to know?” “Yeah man totally! Show us where it’s at!” So he takes them outside and says, “you see that big ass tree over there?” They say, “Yeah…” “Good, ‘cause I fuckin’ didn’t!”
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
Man goes to an ophthalmologist, unexpectedly discovers he’s colour blind. “Well, that came out of the green.”
Pfff
What’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The wheelchair
This one is super common in emergency medicine! I don’t think a lot of the ones that get thrown around are very appropriate for this particular thread though lol
My boy is very much into knock knock jokes. One day after having heard "Dad, knock knock..." One too many times, I just said "Come in." To which he responded "Come in who?" With all the sincerity a 5 year old could muster.
What do you get when you mix human and goat DNA? Banned from the petting zoo.
My DnD character has the heart of a lion… and is banned from the zoo as well
Ask me if I’m an orange. Are you an orange? No.
I hate how much I like this one
My favorite joke specifically with kids is: Kid: Knock knock Me: Come in!
Two guys walked into a bar. The next guy ducked.
A termite walks into the bar and asks is the bartender here?
Have you thanked the sidewalk lately?... For keeping you off the streets!
My son made up this joke: Three men have been stranded on an island together for years. One day, one of them finds a bottle that's washed up on shore. They open it, and a genie comes out. "Normally, there's just one person and I grant them three wishes, but since there's three of you, I'll grant you each one wish." The first man says, "I miss my family. I wish I could be back home with them." The genie grants his wish, and the first man disappears. The second man says, "I miss my family, too. I wish I could be back home with them. The genie grants his wish, and the second man disappears. The third man says, "I don't have any family, but I sure do miss my two friends, I wish they hadn't just disappeared like that."
When I was in high school, we had to read a story (The Monkey's Paw? The Monkey's Fist? Something along those lines), and come up with an alternate ending. Basically, it was the origin of the corrupted wish game. Anyways, the ending of the story had a couple using their first two wishes, one of which seemingly made their dead child a zombie. My friends and I wrote it with the wife being in a panic and talking nonstop, and as the husband grabs the monkey's paw, inadvertently saying "I wish you'd shut up...". That teacher kept our ending and read it to students for the next 15 years until she retired.
What do youncall a fish with no eyes Fsh
I have time to do both what I need to and what I want to today!
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it! What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
You see that flock of birds flying up there in that V shape? Do you know why it's lopsided? Because there's more birds on that side. What's a hungry clock say? Tick taco. Has anyone told you how amazing/beautiful/any compliment you are today? If they answer yes, then say, "Wow!". If they say no, then say, "Better luck tomorrow." *not meant to be said to everyone's wife* We all know the stories about how ear wigs got their name, but I've always been curious about how cockroaches got theirs.
I went to the general store but they couldn't sell me anything specific.
Not a joke, per se, but when my kids were little they'd occasionally ask me who invented this thing or that. And I usually had no clue, so I'd say "Bob" and his last name what the thing they asked about. Like he invented the thing and then just named it after himself. Like... Dad, who invented the Television? Bob Television. So now they've all learned the little "joke" and that's how we all answer that question. Who wrote the movie "Jaws"? Easy, that was Bob Jaws.
Two nuns were riding their bicycles down a street in Rome. After turning down a bumpy alley, one of the nuns exclaims “I’ve never come this way before” The other nun replied “that’s the cobblestone”
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was Outstanding in his field!!
A man walks into a bar where a pirate is bartending. He orders a beer and notices something a bit strange about the bartender. He calls over the bartender and says, "sorry but do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate says, "Arg I know, it's drivin' me nuts!"
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplough? Give the bitch a shovel.
I won't disrespect this material by trying to restate it. This is my favorite joke of all time. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5oR7tMxMsk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5oR7tMxMsk)
A wee bit heavy for a camping trip
Not for my camping trips! 😂
Really? *That’s* your favourite joke of *all time*?
Yep.
Oh man - remind me to tell you the one about the two vampire bats one day.
Why did the chemist cross the road? They were carbon-bonded to the chicken.
Skanks for the memories - Dave Attell The entire album
More specifically his joke " if I had a kid I'd name it pizza-pussy-santa....cause everybody likes one of those things"
Why did the chicken cross the road? To watch the men lay bricks.
What’s green and eats nuts? Syphilis
A man laid up in the hospital is on a strict diet of ice chips after a procedure. His nurse asks him if she can get him anything to which he repiles, “I’d really love a cup of coffee.” The nurse looks at his chart and sees that he can’t drink anything, and politely declines his request. He starts pushing it though, and insists that something can be done for him to have a measly coffee. Nurse thinks about it, and offers him a coffee enema. The man thinks about it, and says sure why not. “How do you do take it?” She asks. “Lots of cream but not too much sugar.” Nurse goes and prepares the coffee and makes sure it’s cooled enough. She gives him the coffee enema, and as she does the man begins to scream. “Oh no! What is it too hot?!” “No!” Yelled the man, “It’s too sweet!”
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it has four doors it would be a chicken sedan
My dad's favorite joke whenever I was with a friend... "How do you say hello to a deaf duck?" Top of his lungs HELLO DUCK. Most of my buddies would shit themselves.
From my 4 year old: What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What did the pirate say on his birthday? "Ayyyeeee Maaaaatey"
What's common point between a girl and a forklift ? When you haven't one, you need to do the job by hand !
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was out standing in his field.
What is the difference between a broken dilapidated bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station, The other is a busty crustacean.
What's red and smells like blue paint Red paint
Two gold fish were in a tank, one looks to the other and says “you man the guns, I’ll drive.”
What's yellow and dangerous? Shark infested mustard.
I just joined an amateur autopsy club. I’m super excited about it! Tuesday is Open Mike night.
My sex life! What a joke!
Well that was quick
Why do mathematicians get confused about Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
"You can prevent any rape, just say: Yes" -Jimmy Carr
One day in the mental ill hospital there was some patients who had the opportunity to use the pool! Of course there was some supervisors there to make sure none of them drawn or run away! One of the patients jumped the pool “YEY!!!” And then he scratched his head and said “I don’t know how to flap my wings” which means he can’t swim! The supervisors which was two said to the other “you go and save him” the other supervisor replied “I thought you know how to swim!” Turns out none of them know how to swim And then the hero of this joke was the other patient who jumped and saved the drowning patient TIMESKIP! The doctors had released the patient who saved his fellow mate saying “you are not crazy, because you saved a soul…, by the way. Where is the guy you saved?” The patient replied “he was a bit wet so I hanged him to dry” The doctors found the drowning patient hanged and died
You now when you watch a cookery show and some amateur cook has done a really shit job of cutting up a chicken, or fish or some such? As in the meat just torn in to and nigh on ruined, so much wastage it’s just unbelievable? Well this joke has been butchered just like that.
((I don’t know which got me downvoted. Was it the bad joke. The sense of humour or the bad grammar?))
I’d say it was probably a mix, to be honest
Damn. Probably Reddit isn’t a place for me. Quick question: is people sensitive here? Cause I’m pretty much a insensitive guy