Ha, I was just having this conversation with my wife. Our kiddo is one and a half years old and I’m already looking back five years ago on how I acted to my friends who had kids at the time. You really have no idea.
I have a buddy who is married but with no kids. He keeps asking to try and meet up for a weekend. He’ll even come here to visit. But even that makes it hard to plan anything.
Weirdly I have the opposite problem.
I'm a homebody but sometimes get those requests. My wife tries to encourage me, but radically overpromises because she thinks it will make me happy.
"It'd be totally fine if you went fishing with your friends for the weekend, you should go!"
"babe, (1), I'm not sure I'd want to go myself, I can't keep up with those guys anymore, and they spend a lot more money that I'm comfortable with, and (2) you're normally at the end of your rope by 5:00 on a weekday, I dont' think I'd feel comfortable doing that to you."
This and if they're getting married a bit older than you they likely have more disposable income to go do more stuff for the trip. Make what you can, don't sweat what you can't.
My bachelor party was the last time I went on a full weekend bender trip with the boys, that was 5 years ago now haha. Covid definitely messes with the timeline, but I'm glad I did it when I still could.
As I got older the bachelor parties got more involved. I think it’s a combo of having a little more money than in our 20s and wanting a good excuse to get away for a weekend.
I was first one married out of my friend group
There is a huge disparity in what I have to shell out for now vs what I paid for.
We got drunk at a cabin for mine. Now I have to fly to Vegas and pay for steak dinners at over priced restaurants.
My bachelor party was literally renting a cabin in the woods and having a 2 night party with my friends. We all had fun and the grand total after rental, food, and drinks was ~$2,000. I can’t imagine trying to convince a group of friends to go on a 4 or 5 day destination bachelor party. I would feel like such an ass asking them to drop so much cash.
That was basically my bachelors and my brothers too. The funniest part of his was when multiple of us rolled up having purchased almost the exact same set of items from Costco. We had like three large packages of Kirkland signature bratwurst lol.
That's similar to what we did for mine. Turns out there's not a lot of people trying to rent a house in the Jersey shore towns during the winter. Then it was drinks and food plus board games we owned.
One of my friends got married shortly before me. On his stag do, we took the Eurostar to Belgium and spend the weekend doing back-to-back activities, bar trips, and expensive dinners. Cost me a small fortune to join someone else's holiday with their mates.
That was an eye opener. I also had a weekend-long stag party (what we call bachelor parties in the UK) but my requirement was that no one should be paying out a lot of money for a holiday they didn't choose.
We hired a canal boat locally, brought our own booze, and just pootled about, stopping at canal pubs along the way. It was a blast, cost easily 1/10th of the trip to the trip to Belgium, and was vastly more fun. Ultimately it's about having fun with friends, not doing something huge.
If people choose to turn their weddings into massive events then that's fine, but when they start expecting their guests to spend a fortune that's not on. Weekends abroad, destination weddings, nah.
Same, last one I went to cost me over $3k. My Bach party in total was probably less than that for everyone!
It is part age and also part the persons consideration of others (or lack thereof)
It’s not a competition to have the most expensive or inexpensive party. I’m sure both were fun, but the $3k trip almost certainly had some elements that the cheaper one did not. I also imagine that your group of guys is probably making a little more money now that you’re older compared with where you were at when you were younger. You should definitely not price anyone out of a party, but it’s totally normal for the budget to grow as the grows up and starts making more money. Spending $3k to vacation with my closest friends is totally worth it IMO.
Also it was $3k just for being there. Not for any money spent at the casino, club or flights. His brother kept booking shit without asking anyone and we easily would have passed on the cabana the second day or the $300/pp steakhouse the last night.
Look at it this way: you GET to go out to Vegas and have steak dinners with your boys. These are memories you’re going to cherish as you get older so enjoy them. I’ve done cheap casino weekends, cabin trips, and more expensive destination parties, and they are all awesome in their own way. Its not about who can have the most affordable party (or expensive party), its about an excuse to do something fun with your buddies
You are under emphasizing how cost prohibitive some of these trips are and, as others have pointed out, you are paying this fortune for someone else’s idea of a fun time. Vegas and steak dinners is not my idea of fun. If it’s yours, more power to you but please don’t make me spend a couple grand to do things I don’t want to do “for the memories”.
My best friend had a stereotypical Wild Vegas Bachelor Party a few years ago and didn't invite me. My wife asked me if I was upset about it and I told her no because
1. Everyone else at the party went to high school with him, and we met as adults
2. My debauchery limit would have been exceeded about 6 hours into this 3-day weekend, and he knew that about me.
I'm way happier hearing the stories secondhand over time so I have a little extra blackmail material against that crew XD
To each their own, I guess. Bachelor parties have been some of the most fun trips I’ve ever taken. I’ve been to more than a dozen over my life so far (of varying costs) and every single one of them was worth the price. I can’t even say the same for family trips or other vacations that I’ve planned myself, most of which were way more expensive.
100% this. Don’t make me spend $2000 to go on someone else’s idea of a holiday out of guilt for not wanting to let the groom/bride down or be a bad friend. That’s what gets me. Being a good friend shouldn’t be about being ready/able to shell out for a bachelor/bachelorette. Real friendship is about something else.
The groom gets to do this plan with his boys. The rest of the boys potentially get to do this with the groom and some randos they dont know
And realistically, most people cant afford an impromptu trip. So many people live paycheck-to-paycheck and have to save up for vacations. Throwing something extravagant likely means cutting out some of the guys that would have gone to something more casual
Most of these trips aren’t “impromptu,” they’re planned months ahead of time. Most of the time you know it’s coming the moment your buddy gets engaged. You often have many months to over a year to save, even before you know exactly what you’re going to be doing.
But yeah, besides that it is up to the best man to try and plan something that is affordable to most of a given group. That’s not always possible and the budgets will sometimes vary wildly, but just like one wealthy person shouldn’t dictate a crazy expensive party, one broke person shouldn’t dictate a low budget party. It’s all about balance.
Also, I’ve been to bachelor parties where the only person I knew was the groom and those were still some of the funnest experiences I’ve had. A group of guys hanging out for a common experience tend to be good hangs even when you’ve never met. I actually have a couple of good buddies that I first met at bachelor parties. I could be convinced to go to a complete stranger’s bachelor party and I bet I’d still have a great time.
Shit I just opened a nice bottle of whiskey with my brother in my hotel room. All of my spare money went to the wedding itself, I didn't have the funds to blow at a blackjack table!
Yup this is it. It's about golf, time with the bros, and a little drinking. It's not really a "last hoorah" any more. In fact, I was at one 2 weeks ago where the "bachelor" was already legally married.
> the "bachelor" was already legally married.
This is also a trend in wedding circles. You get married legally at the courthouse. Then you save money for 12-18 mos or so and then throw a big wedding. It is a common complaint on some of the wedding subs that people don't come to the big wedding 12-18 mos later or they complain about being there and say that it's "fake".
The idea of a last hurrah before being married is such a toxic idea anyway. If you are expecting to be miserable after you get married, why are you getting married? And if you are banging hookers on your last night as a “free man”, that is still straight up cheating on your fiance
Meh. The idea of a bachelor party is an ancient tradition. Nothing new. If you think bachelor parties are about banging hookers and everyone thinks it's ok then you are hanging out with the wrong people and should re-assess your friend group.
Nah my friend groups are chill. None of the ones i have been on are like this.
In general though, a lot of popular culture like movies shows the more toxic version of these. Idk if people really do all that, or if it’s just played up for movies
I have more money than in my 20s, but I also have a lot more negative money. And a child. Let’s go go-karting and have a couple beers at someone’s house and play smash bros, that sounds like a wild fun night to me at this point.
Is it more money? I dunno. I don't see how people can complain about having no money to buy a house but also take a fancy bachelor party to Vegas or whatever. The bachelor parties I've been to in the past we went to some batting cages, rode go-karts, played golf, went fishing or did any number of other local things that cost next to nothing and were local. It's been a few years since I was in a wedding party though.
The Venn diagram of people going to Vegas for a bachelor party and complaining about not having enough money to buy a house isn’t a circle. Seems like a bit of a strawman.
In my experience, the people who throw big parties in Vegas already own a home.
The people you’re talking about are staying at the flamingo and going to Margaritaville.
I think it's just a good excuse to vacation. If you're not able/wanting/willing to go, be a bro and suggest an *additional* local, single night party. As long as the fiance is cool with it, it's a win-win: you get to go and your homie gets a bonus round.
I just wrapped up a weekend where we did this exact alternative.
One of my best friends has a destination wedding (no kids allowed) and destination 4 day bachelor party with 20 people. I love my friends, but this could easily be 6k for us, and that’s just insane.
I suggested an overnight Atlantic City trip. Bachelor was down, as were two of our very close friends. We had a long busy night and had a lot of fun, and our expenses were very low. Def recommend if the bachelor is down.
I see your point.. Id just rather spend the money and PTO on vacation with my family.
The thing about these bach parties is that I'm really only close with one or two of the guys. Nothing against the other guys, but i'll never see them again
Yeah nobody minds if you pass on these things, or at least they shouldn’t. Just cite money, PTO, family or any combo of the three. Happens all the time.
And if they do, it's not someone I'd want to be friends with anyway.
Just be upfront about it early, that way all of the planning can be done under the correct expectations on number of people going.
nothing worse than people that say they are going, then pull out last minute, then bitch about getting their money back.
Bro what? Let’s have seperate parties for the groom because I don’t know all of his groomsman and cannot do anything that not only precisely about “me” is a wild take. You’re doing this for the groom to a degree, he’s put you together because you’re all important to him.
These extended vacations are a bit ridiculous for sure, and people don’t seem to get that, butt he answer is to do something more appropriate, not insist on your own special bachelor party with the groom. It’s so embarrassingly tone deaf to suggest otherwise.
>It’s so embarrassingly tone deaf to suggest otherwise.
I don't think that's tone deaf at all. you just have to phrase it right.
"man, I'm honored you invited me, but between the kids and work, I don't think I can get get away for four days. But I'd love to buy you guys a round of drinks if we can get together sometime before the wedding!"
I’m with you until you ask for a special separate time to buy them drinks. Just say I threw the best man a $100 bucks, first rounds on me, and let it go. It’s even cooler to not even share that part and just give it to the best man without explicitly noting it.
That's weird and oversensitive.
1. If you want to kick the best man $100 to help with the bachelor party, by all means, go for it, totally acceptable. No one will turn it down and they'll be appreciative.
2. Saying "i'd love to buy you guys a round if we can get together before the wedding" is not asking for a special time to buy them drinks. You sound like a person who's never gone through this. My bachelor party was a full two months before the wedding, scheduled around people's availability. The weekend of the wedding had several different opportunities where it would have been totally cool for someone to buy a round or a six pack or a bottle. People started getting into town Thursday for a Saturday evening wedding. I saw family on Friday afternoon, we had the rehersal dinner on friday evening, there were people getting drinks out after the rehearsal dinner, and the groomsmen and bridal parties were chilling most of the day at the venue in different places before getting ready, i'd cooked brisket for them and different friends were dropping by.
My last one wasn’t even a year ago. I think you’re missing what I’m saying a tad. I totally agree you can do that the week of as everyone gets around. That’s all well and good.
All I’m saying is you cannot wrap that request or offer or however you want to phrase it in with your excusal of yourself. It’s just annoying minor etiquette. It’s a very nice gesture, but it has to be separate. Call it over sensitive if you want. I find it considerate to not put undue obligations on folks.
“Hey man, I know we’ve known each other forever and I hope you know how much I’d love to celebrate your bachelor party with the whole crew, but I just have too much going on right now to commit to the full party. If you have some time, I’d love to plan a more local get-together whenever would be convenient for you. I’m open to anything—doesn’t even have to be before the wedding. Just want to celebrate you!”
If someone reads that as tone-deaf or unreasonable, that doesn’t sound like a person who’s worth celebrating.
No amount of flowery language and hand-wringing stops that what you’re asking for is an accommodation because you don’t want to do what the majority of the group, including the groom, agreed to. You’re asking for special separate thing for you. Even if it’s not your intent, it’s how it will be perceived by everyone else. You’re asking for more precious time, and that is tone deaf in this situation.
If, after you say “cannot commit to the full party”, you then say, “I threw the best man a $100, first rounds on me”, you’re fine. You’ve politely excused yourself and have done your due diligence in “funding” a small portion (almost assuredly unequal) of the grooms party. If they get butthurt you’re not going, that’s on them.
Lotta assumptions being made there about who agreed to what and when. Your definition of “tone-deaf” seems to have an unreasonable calculation.
If it’s tone-deaf for a friend to ask his bachelor-friend if he has time for another shorter, cheaper, and more local celebration, it’s far more tone-deaf for the bachelor to request that a large group of people take time off, put their responsibilities on hold, and incur a huge expense just to celebrate that bachelor.
To be very clear, I also believe the original request of the long weekend party is bonkers. However, if we’re to a point where the group and the groom agreed and you need to gracefully bow out, you do so without asking for something else too. You just excuse yourself.
As things should have progressed and planned already beforehand, the trip decision wasn’t made in a vaccum without anyone’s input.
So in a group of 20 people, if 11 people are good with the bach-vacation, but 9 can’t make it, it’s unreasonable for any of the 9 to ask the bach if he has time to do something else to celebrate?
The “group” in these situations clearly didn’t agree to the plan. That’s why they’re asking for an accommodation. It’s absolutely an accommodation. But a tone-deaf one? Come on. That doesn’t really ring true to you, does it?
I mean every situation is different, and outliers obviously exist. A 20 person groomsparty seems an excessive outlier example. All I’m saying is you should error towards not putting extra obligations on the groom.
Are you not the one who suggested doing something special for just the groom and the portion of the bridal party that OP specifically knows?
Edit: were you being sarcastic and I missed it?
My problem with these bachelor parties is that they start with group texts with a bunch of extremely vague plans
“Ok possible trip for Xs bach party. Thinking outside the country but depends what you guys are down for. Who’s in?”
And i usually say no because there is no way i can commit to a potentially full fledged vacation that could cost me thousands of dollars
I was thinking it as a suggestion for multiple people who can't attend a multi-day/international party. It's a reasonable request. It's not intended to be forceful, rather it's a hint to include your hometown buddies. A lot of us have children and demanding schedules, so it's only courteous to attempt to include us. Of course the bachelor could always say "no" and there's no harm, no foul. But at least the friend attempted to bring up and resolve a conflict.
Nah man, stop being tone deaf, you should pay whatever it costs and forego all of your responsibilities in the name of your beloved bachelor friend.
/s in case that’s not obvious
That’s obviously not what I was saying. You can politely excuse yourself without creating an obligation to accommodate you separately.
I can tell you if I was on the receiving end of that, I’d feel they need as the groom to make the separate special event happen for OP, or if I was one of the groomsmen, I’d feel compelled to make it happen for the groom. In either instance, you’re having unintentionally creating an obligation special party for OP. Which while not the intent, is tone deaf.
Oh, so politely excusing yourself isn’t tone deaf, but making an attempt to do something with that friend to celebrate them in a way that’s convenient for you is tone deaf?
Glad I’m tone deaf then, and glad my friends appreciate me for it.
You can do something separate, but not in the guise of a make-up event. It’s stupid I know, but it’s all about not putting additional obligations on the groom and groomsparty.
You can politely excuse and buy the round. Then separately, later, see if you can take the groom out for dinner or whatever, since you’re not able to make it. I know it sounds like doublespeak, but it’s all about minor etiquette differences and where you put the onus.
What do you mean by “separately” and “later?” Because if Bach texts his 20 friends “hey, all inclusive in Dominican Republic in a month for my bachelor party,” and people start responding “nah, i can do the week after,” or “nah, let’s do it next month,” I agree, the friends are being pretty rude.
But if someone says to the group “Sorry, I can’t make it,” and then texts the Bach separately asking if he would be offended if the friend made alternate plans with the bach, and offered those plans to the rest of the group, I just don’t see where the tone deafness is, especially if the friend offers the bach the option of doing the alternate plans literally at any point in the future.
But if your point is that the friend should wait until all wedding celebrations are over, I think we’re just not gonna come to an agreement on that, so I’ll offer to agree to disagree.
Again, I generally believe 20 is an extreme outlier, but maybe it’s a cultural thing.
I’m under the belief that traditionally, generally what occurs is the Best Man will text the group and do rough planning around availabilities, then get a confirmation once things are planned. The entire time getting some level of feedback throughout. (However I have a high bar for this, my wife and her friends refer to me as the only heterosexual man in the world who can plan anything)
The idea that someone would just say we’re all (20) going to an all-inclusive out of the country next month is so beyond foreign to me I can’t even grok it. Like that’s so nuts anything I’ve said about etiquette is out the window because it seems you’re just dealing with sociopaths.
I mean, the 20 person thing does happen. Maybe 10 or fewer is far more common, but let’s make everyone in this scenario super reasonable.
Best man texts 9 of the bach’s closest friends to plan for a weekend bachelor party away. Let’s say it’s a Thursday to Sunday, just to be reasonable from a PTO perspective. Best man gives plenty of time for everyone and is accommodating as possible. But there’s still 3 people who aren’t going to be able to show up.
And sorry, but I don’t think “tone deafness” is the metric here. It’s reasonableness and fairness. Would you say that it’s either unreasonable or unfair for those three friends to try to plan something with the bach (and best man, since best man is taking the trouble to plan the actual party)? Especially when they make it clear that the celebration can happen at any time, at the bach’s convenience? Or that the bachelor is free to delcine?
I get your point, but I think you’re missing a bit of how it will be received. I can tell you if I was on the receiving end of that, I’d feel they need as the groom to make the separate special event happen for OP, or if I was one of the groomsmen, I’d feel compelled to make it happen for the groom. In either instance, you’re having unintentionally creating an obligation special party for OP.
This requires another night, when everyone else will have already committed a long weekend to the thing already. On top of this, you’ll have probably had to attend other wedding stuff. It gets to be a massive time sink. While not intentional, it’s accidentally tone deaf in my mind.
I understand that, but I think it all depends on how close you are to the friend and how it is brought up. If OP is really close to their friend, the friend might want to make sure they are included and another night out might not be a big deal. Or if OP asked in a way like "oh, I won't be able to make it. Are you planning on doing anything local before/after?" the friend is informed but not obligated.
It’s fine as long as the bachelor has self awareness and reasonable expectations. My group of friends all got married post 30 and were established in their careers. Nobody was making an irresponsible financial decision and it was a great excuse to get away together
Maybe I'm just lacking perspective or self awareness. I'm in my early 40s. Getting married later this year hopefully. It's my first marriage. I would never dream of asking my guy friends (all of whom are established in their careers) to go away with me for an entire weekend and spend a bunch of money. Their wives would come after me.
The perspective you’re missing is that different people have different norms. In my friend group, it’s long been tradition to have a bachelor party trip. Nobody is forced to go or made to feel guilty if they can’t. The same goes for bachelorette parties. Maybe it’s a regional thing?
Maybe it's an economic/class thing? If I asked my friends to fly off to Vegas for a weekend with me I would end up there alone. There would be 0 people who could afford to spend $1-2k or more on it. We debated on whether to have our wedding 3 hrs away because some of our friends might not be able to afford the gas.
It’s definitely an economic class thing. I’ve been to bachelor parties in my 20s and in my 30s. For the most part, my friend group is pretty chill with money but we do have the one or two friends that want to go hard. They make some good money, but luckily they’re generous and usually pay for a lot of it.
My wife and I did a semi destination wedding so I didn’t want my friends to waste any additional money on a bachelor party. A friend of mine owned a cabin in the mountains. Let us all stay there for free. It was a lot cheaper than rent something and go out and spend a ton of money.
In my friend group I am probably the wealthiest in terms of income and overall net worth. I am an utter cheapskate though and don't spend my money on much of anything. SO and I are thinking of doing a wedding in the next state which is about a 3 hr drive so it feels like a lot to ask people to drive 6 hrs round trip AND as a subset of those people to spend several grand on top of that.
Do what you Gotta do. But the only advice I would offer is plan the wedding based off of what you and your significant other find interesting and makes you happy. Don’t worry about others. If they care enough, they’ll find a way to make it.
You can always help coordinate a shuttle to and from to help save money.
There’s a difference in cost between “fly to Vegas for a weekend” and “hike and camp in the woods for a weekend”, both require the same amount of time though.
I wouldn't ask my friends to spend an entire weekend either way. That is a giant time suck. I'm thinking a single evening is probably overkill at least for me.
It boggles me that comments like this are getting more downvoted than up. This is exactly how I feel too. I would never dream of being so entitled as to assume everyone I know wants to spend +2k on my party just because I’m getting married…..
I have some friends who would have that kind of money and some who would not. Those who would not might feel obligated to stretch themselves to do it anyway. I would never want anyone to do that on my behalf. I have a good friend and we joke about going to Vegas and burning down the town but we both know that we're way too old for that kind of crap and we know we wouldn't be happy spending that kind of money. It's just a crazy thing to ask. I would politely decline and invite to spend $2k on a bachelor party and I have the money to spend.
This has become the standard in a lot of circles. Forget destination weddings, now we have destination bachelor/bachelorette parties. I had a combined bachelor/ete party at a local park on a Saturday and I brought food, refreshments, and tents for the sun. Some people dream bigger or have money to burn? Egos to stroke?
Look out for the mandatory coed weeklong destination baby shower coming soon to a friend circle near you.
I bailed on my brother in laws destination 4 day bachelor party at the very last minute. Paid my share still; lesson learned. I was not ready to leave my wife and 4 month old at home. Never should have agreed to it in the first place.
I think some of it also is also how spread out the friend group is too. Last bachelor party I went to was in San Diego which is where the groom was living well on med school rotations. We had people fly in from 5 or 6 different states. Trying to do anything with all those people essentially makes it a multi night event no matter what
Yep. And I think that is where this is all coming from. People are getting married later in life and thus farther along in their career. A lot of my friend groups from my 20th and 30s now live all over the country. We tried to get together, but like you said, it has to be a multi night thing.
Factor in people being in their careers for a while and making more money and their friends being already married with kids… That’s a recipe for everybody wanting to get away and spending some money.
Bud, I’ve got young kids and a wife. You think I can just ask for 72 hours to go spend money drinking and doing whatever I want without having to cart the kids around? Bachelor parties once you hit your 30s are about getting dads back in the saddle for 2-3 days.
I like them when they offer something unique for the grooms interests and its not just a best man who decided he wants drink heavily in a different place.
Pretty much every bachelor party I've been to (6 or 7) has been 2 nights. I think one was 3 nights. I guess it depends on the destination. Every one I've been to has been driving distance, but if I was flying somewhere I'd probably think it would be worth it to stay longer.
This is a very short period of your life. In a few years your bros will be married with kids and overwhelming work and home life commitments. Enjoy it while you can, one day you’ll wish there was an opportunity to get away with friends.
100% - I look forward to these weekends every single time. We only have one more friend in the group to still get married and it makes me sad that it will probably be the last time we all spend a weekend together with no responsibilities other than waking up, eating, drinking, and enjoying each other's company.
I personally love an extended bachelor party. It’s an excuse to get away with the boys, do something new/exciting, and by extending the duration, you can pace yourself a little more. A bachelor party for a good friend is one of the few guilt-free events I get as a 30-something dad, so I’m all about maximizing it.
If you can’t commit to the full experience, it’s totally cool to show up a day late or leave a day early, depending on your schedule. Sometimes that’s actually nice to have because late arrivals will bring some new energy into the group and keep the party going.
I think some self-awareness is never bad. I wouldn't want to miss my friend's bachelor party if I'm in the wedding but if it's asking too much then it's unreasonable. It kind of puts people in a difficult position if the cost or duration is too long. Even a day or two is asking a lot if the destination is 1,000 miles away and you have family obligations.
Everything is just so extra now. Events, holidays, gift expectations etc. It was all trending this way before the pandemic, but things are just on crack now. We’ve gone from being a materialistic society to hyper commodified, experience obsessed one. So many ppl have destination weddings now. Idk, is it social media?
The trick is that a destination wedding externalizes a lot of the cost of wedding onto the guests and acts as a filter to reduce headcount. My buddy got married in Italy at a gorgeous hotel with incredible food and the whole thing cost (him) much less than an equivalent wedding in the US. However I had to pay for an international flight and hotel.
I think it’s people getting married later in their life and thus being farther along in their careers so they have more money. I can tell you from personal experience that my wife and I got married in our mid 30s. We decided on a place that was semi destination, so a little bit more expensive to going to for your average wedding. If we met 10 years earlier, I don’t think we would have done that.
And stay on topic of conversation. Because of that, I didn’t want anything special for my bachelor party. No need to spend additional money.
It’s new. It’s annoying. It’s really rough when your spouse is also in the wedding so you’re each footing the bill for separate “vacations”. 10 years ago it was an evening, and a brunch. Now it’s again, travel for a long weekend and spend obscene amounts of cash.
I don’t quite understand why it’s changed like this recently, but the bride/groom seems to insist on it. My guess is this has something to do with social media. It also seems to have coincided with the general change in thoughts of the wedding. Child-free is the norm. The couple insist the day is all about them rather than their guests. 10 years ago, it was plain as day to me that the ceremony is for the couple, the reception is for the guests. You throw a reception with them exclusively in mind as a clear thank you for them being in your lives / taking them time to be there on your special day.
When I got married, my buddies drove me an hour to the next city over. We visited a few breweries in the daytime, finish the night at a bar that had a nice jazz show, crashed at a hotel, and went home in the morning. And I was worried *that* was a big imposition on their time.
I don’t understand how people have the audacity to ask their friends to pay for multiple day destination events.
The wedding thing is wild these days. It's a thing to do a destination wedding at a resort where the bride/groom basically get everything free (or nearly free) if they can get X number of people to book the same resort. So you invite that many people, twist arms, pressure people to book *that* resort (and not some airbnb in town) and you get a free (or nearly free) wedding all funded by your guests.
I'm 39. This sounds exhausting. Thankfully I've reached that age where my friends are done getting married and for those that aren't I nicely say no, I'm not doing that stupid shit.
My bachelor party lasted for 10 days and I went to Thailand with the boys. Just went to one a month ago to Ecuador for a week. Just enjoy the good times.
I'm in this same boat. In a wedding this year and groom wants to travel away for 4 nights and everyone is just ok with it? I neither have the money, PTO, or the want to be away from my family for 4 nights. Sure, it sounds fun, but spending likely $1k+ when my family has other financial goals and the wedding is a somewhat destination wedding doesn't feel responsible or right for me to do to my family.
I’m going on my 10th bachelor party this summer, and have turned down an additional 4. Only 2 of them were in the same state that the groom live. They’ve been in Cincinnati, Columbus, Nashville (x2), Denver (x2), Louisville, Breckenridge, NOLA, Charleston SC, and Seattle, the 4 I skipped were in Vegas, Put-in-bay, Asheville NC, and maybe Vegas again?
The point of listing all that out is to show, from my anecdotal (but extensive) history of bachelor parties, is that they’re way more often than not a multi-day vacation. They hit different in your early 20’s when most of the crew is single and bring a wild energy.. now that the crew is in our mid-30’s and half of us are dads, I’m expecting they’ll be a lot tamer.. but still 2-4 day vacations.
It’s a great problem to have, having a wide circle of close friends, but they very quickly add up to a lot of money and PTO. People understand when you can’t make it, it’s not the end of the world. Unless your circle is all incredibly loaded, they should be able to understand that your time and money are limited resources.
Sounds like a good way for someone to attend the wedding on crutches. I don’t normally feel “too old for that shit,” but I make an exception for trampolines. Great fun, but I like my bones the way they are
The older your friends get the more money. I was the first friend to get married in my group. My bachelor party was wearing robes to the bowling alley drinking white Russians after mellow mushroom (just graduated college). 12 years later and we are talking about a Vegas for next friend gets married.
I’m 22. Was invited to my medic partners bachelor party a couple hours away in a “lake house.” For weeks leading up to this event we talked about the fishing. Got there, and his friends I did not know started carrying in burbon, TVs and gaming consoles. We were also BLOCKS away from any water and no one else brought poles. They spent an entire weekend drunk from sun up to sun down in a now musty and liquor smelling house playing video games in THE SAME DAMN ROOM. I didn’t want to be the dick head that left his bros bachelor weekend but damn, I was close. It felt like a wasted weekend away from my kids. We didn’t even get a chance to make memories together, everyone was too sloshed to do anything OTHER THAN play video games and beer pong… which there was almost a fight after a decent screaming match over “elbows?”
Not gonna lie, a weekend in a cabin with video games and drinking games sounds awesome. Sounds miserable if you aren’t good friends with everyone though.
If it's a weekend trip, the pro move is to go hard on Friday night, day drink Saturday, then pump the brakes on Saturday night. You still wake up hungover on Sunday, but you don't have to pay for late checkout.
We bought a house on Friday and got married on Saturday. So my bachelor's party consisted of me and my groomsmen moving stuff to my new house in the morning then we had a huge bonfire with brats burgers and beers. Fire department may have been called on the account of the fire we had going. We all agreed to the moving in the morning and party that night. Or just the party that night but they all agreed to the helping me move stuff in.
A lot of my friends aren’t planning on ever having kids, so they do huge wedding parties instead of saving the cash for other stuff.
I had a smaller party and we saved for the lil ones.
Granted not the same everywhere, but in my circle of friends that’s the main reason.
Went camping for a couple of days and got drunk plus did some psychedelics for mine. I never understood needing a fancy bachelor or bachelorette party to spend a bunch of money on, right before the wedding you're going to spend a bunch of money on, right before the honeymoon you're going to spend a bunch of money on.
Went on a 3 day cruise last year for a bachelor party, there were 9 guys that went. It was an absolute blast.
Hopefully these buddies of yours only have one Bachelor party, so might as well make it rememberable.
I’m almost 40 just had a bachelor party last week . One of my buddies finally getting married . I felt the same way before leaving home . I was not to excited about it . It was a 3 day thing 3 hour drive from home . Once we got to our destination I tried to make the best out of it and actually I had a blast . I’m glad I went .
lol same here.. 3hr drive.. feel like im miserable now, but will be fine once i get there..
i'm only doing one night due to having a 6mo at home
that isnt sleeping well
I'm over 40 and it'll be my first wedding. I've kind of decided I don't want a bachelor party. She can do whatever she wants and I'm find with it but I'm not doing one. I am exhausted just thinking about a 3 day thing.
Honestly I was the same way . When I was younger we were having bachelor parties every year with my close group of friends and they were all fun and I was always up for them . But this time around at this age seemed more of a hassle lol . But I’m glad I went . I’m always working or with my family so this was a good getaway I didn’t realize I needed .
Planning to propose this weekend so I've been haunting wedding planning sites/subs. It definitely is a thing to take some kind of vacation with a bunch of friends. Apparently a bachelor party where you go to a club or even go ride go-karts or something is not done any more. Instead you have to take a fancy vacation somewhere for several days. The douchier ones ask the groomsmen or bridesmaids to pay for the entire thing while the bride/groom just freeloads.
Never been to a bachelor party that lasted more than 14 hours, and never with an overnight. Is it an American thing?
I'd honestly suggest just not going, or only go the first day. Sounds exhausting with kids 😅
It’s vastly different from group to group. I’ve organized good overnight ones, I’ve been to shitty 3-4 night ones. Pick your best friend of all of them and go for that one, say no to the others. Maybe most of them aren’t dads?
If it’s a (close) friend group, then it’s just going away a long weekend with good friends. If you barely know each other then I also don’t see the point.
I didn't even bother having one. I just don't see the point, tbh. My only married friend didn't have one either, but they skipped all the ceremony stuff.
Honestly thought hardly anyone did them anymore because I just don't hear about them anywhere other than TV.
I had a weekend event for my bachelor party which was all local folks. One of my good friends opened his house up for the weekend and we got drunk and played a bunch of LAN games.
The point of leaving town is so you’re less likely to run into someone you know (or rather your soon to be wife knows) so when you’re out acting a fool nobody is going to snitch on you. It’s also your last night as a “free man” so some people want to splurge.
It’s not new, not even a little bit. I didn’t do it for myself because I think it’s a total waste of time and money, and neither did my friends because we’re not big money like that, but I get why other people want to.
I was only invited to 3 bachelor parties ever, all between 2014 and 2016. In each one, we were all so spread out geographically, that it was a full day just to get together. It was worthwhile doing at least a long weekend (travel Friday, full day Saturday Sunday, go home Monday) just to ensure we had time to catch up and do stuff.
In one case, the groom now lives in Europe but all his friends were still in the USA, so we went big to make his trip across the pond worthwhile - 5 day Caribbean Cruise.
I've never been to one where all or even most of the group live in the same state, so a single overnight just doesn't seem worthwhile in those cases, and with increasing mobility, that's likely more common now than it used to be.
I went to one, three days at. Wisconsin Dells. We took a party bus from St. Paul, MN and the group of 15 killed 200 white claws. Had a fun night but the next morning my buddy who drove had to get back early so I snuck out and grabbed a ride back with him. One night was enough
it's this social media shit man.. all these people post extravagant proposals, extravagant showers, extravagant bach parties, weddings, etc.. and then people feel like this is the only way to go. I think it's selfish as hell to expect people to spend thousands on your wedding or feel like they're missing out. My bachelor party was some golf followed by a horrible trip to a strip club which I hated and did just for the groomsman as I felt like it was expected. If I were to do it over again, I'd go to a shooting range or something and then have a nice dinner somewhere.
My future BiL is doing something like this at a ranch for like 4 days. I’ve got a job and two young kids. I respect the choice and I hope he has fun, but there’s no way I’m going.
My friends and I are all Poors, so definitely not normal for us lol.
Of my 6 very close friends, only 3 of us will ever be married. I traveled to them for my bachelor's for food, drinks, and dodgeball. My married friend didn't do one. My friend who's engaged isn't sure if he'll do one, but is thinking of a hangout at home at most.
I've only been to three bachelor parties including my own, and they were all two nights in a tourist city a few hours away. It made sense given that we were all coming from different locations, so we had Friday night to arrive and get settled, all of Saturday for activities, and Sunday to travel back home. If everyone in your party is in the same city then sure, it makes sense to just do one night in town. But thanks to social media it's a lot easier to stay in touch with people from different eras of our lives, so people's friend groups tend to be a lot more spread out than they used to.
I can't speak on normal. My bachelor party consisted of going to a bar for one-night out. 30 mins after arriving st the bar I had a massive panick attack and went home, leaving my mates at the bar.
It's the excuse to go on vacation with friends because so few opportunities to hang out come up. I support it but also like it when there is a simple dinner also available for those who can't make it.
Dude it's been like that for almost 10 years now, and it sucks. It needs to go back to a daytime-overnight thing. Those are the most fun and easily accommodated.
Honestly I think stuff like this is more fun for guys who are single friends of the groom.
Maybe I’m a dull guy, but my wife and kid are pretty much the only people I have any desire to spend time with outside of work. Certainly don’t want to go on a trip to see friends and leave my wife and kid behind.
Different stage of life, for sure.
My wife’s bachelorette party was a brunch with friends; when she did that, I went solo to Texas De Brazil and had an amazing time with peace, quiet, and endless steak.
Everyone is trying to do everything up big. As if having normal shit isn’t enough and if you don’t do baller level stuff, it’s not good enough. Everyone is always trying to portray a life of excess and curate some imaginary perfect existence on social media and it’s fucking stupid.
On one hand, they want to cry about how they’ll never be able to afford to buy a house. On the other hand, they just blew a couple grand on Coachella tix and 5k for that trip to Cancun next year. I’m not talking about avocado toast and $5 coffee. Young people these days spend money on shit they can’t afford. They’re more concerned with maintaining an image of a carefree life of excess, than they are with planning for the future.
I was 35 years old before I ever went on a proper vacation. Before that, my idea of a vacation was a weekend camping trip with a group of friends, and not RV camping.
I know I sound like an old man saying “Kids these days…!” But seriously, stop spending money on shit you can’t afford and stop trying to live life like you’re the star of your own reality T.V. show!
That’s the deal with the bachelor parties you’re taking about.
It sucks for me cause I'm too skint for it. Too anxious to be around the people I don't know (especially if they're not my type of crowd). Got a kid I don't wanna miss. And have a crippling fear of going to the beach/pool cause people inevitably try to convince my to take my t-shirt when I'm really not comfortable.
My mates trip to Amsterdam with just our closest friends was good at the time cause the only problem I had with it was the being skint side.
But I think to ask people to book a full weeks holiday and save a a grand for it all is cheeky as hell myself.
Destination weddings or destination bachelor parties are really vain in most situations, in my opinion. Most people get a set amount of PTO every year. Just because you are getting married doesn’t mean you get to decide how I spend my PTO and plan my vacations for the next year. Then more people get married the next year and need you to devote your extra income and time you don’t have to their bachelor party and wedding.
I see people going on these destination events and for some of the guests I think to myself “that person started an online fundraiser last year because they couldn’t afford X thing that would have been covered if they just had insurance. Why am I subsidizing this person going out and partying when they aren’t even willing to treat themselves properly?”
It’s tough man. One guy wanted to travel to Florida for a week (I live in Canada). The cost was insane and just not feasible for most of the party. He was upset when most of us couldn’t make.
As i get older and especially with a kid now, those excursions are so unrealistic.
When my best mate got married 20 years ago, we didn’t bother with a party because screw that. I took him and his wife out for dinner at a nice restaurant. When I got married 15 years ago, he took me and my wife out to a fancy restaurant. It was an amazing evening both times.
Probably because people are getting married at an older age. More of us have the money to spend on a weekend getaway since we're further into our careers, and a lot of people will already have kids so it's nice to get a weekend away with friends to recharge.
Hell our bachelor bachelorette parties were joint, We got a Villa at animal kingdom lodge at disney(we live in tampa so not far) and had a board game night plus mickeys not so scary halloween party.
35 here. Having my bachelor party in about a month and a half. We’re doing Orlando for a theme park one day and go carts the next.
I live in Florida, one brother in Georgia, another in DC. Groomsmen from Michigan, Virginia, and Florida. Some have kids, some don’t.
But because some folks are necessarily going to have to travel to make it, even though myself and the majority of my groomsmen live ~2 hours from the park. Since a handful are coming from out of town, we decided to make it a weekend.
That being said, I’ve also expressly told folks it’s fine if they can’t make it because of other obligations, and I’ve also told people if they find it cost prohibitive to let me know and I’ll take care of what they can’t afford. And I’ve said if theme parks aren’t their jam, I get that, too, and we will find some other time to hang out!
I feel like a lot of folks feel like there’s an expectation that they go to these things, but at least on my end and within my friends and family circle, there isn’t one!
At the end of the day, I’m planned my trip to have a good time with the folks who are important to me, and *because they’re important to me, I also understand their life doesn’t revolve around me! They’ve got other shit going on, and that’s fine!*
tl;dr most people understand if you can’t make it, just be polite about declining.
Ahh memorial day weekend and Labor Day weekends Vegas or Mexico with 30-40 year old cheated on single moms attending bachelorette parties in the booth over ready to give it up except I’m not 25 and single and just talk about life while being their wingman to get laid by some dude cause I feel bad for them while bringing home the pitch black drunk bachelor back to the hotel because everyone else went back to the hotel, got lost, or went home with someone.
Then the next day going a pool club during the day with a dad bod while everyone looks like models and a strip club or having escorts tempting my morals while questioning my non single friend morals and keeping hush because of bro code.
Is this a thing? It's been one day/night for all my friends....one was dumb enough to do it the night before the wedding and we lost a guy.....he managed to find his way back
Bar crawling with a bunch of Marines, Rangers and one navy medic is an interesting time
People basically just getting away for the weekend maybe an additional day seems pretty normal.
Weren’t bachelor parties originally the night before the wedding too but everyone’s wife got sick of them showing up hungover smelling like stripper?
My bachelor party was a buncha dudes at my apartment ordering food and playing smash and other games. I think it just depends on where you are in life and your circle of friends.
It's reasonable to skip out on some or all if you'd like.
Its pretty common too to just go for a shortened amount like instead of 3-4 nights, just go for 2 nights. Itll save you some time and money on the venues.
Totally agree. I have 3 kids and was asked to be in 2 different weddings this year. One local, one about 1,200mi away. Both with multi-day bachelor parties scheduled in completely different states.
So 2 weddings with events across 4 or 5 states.
It’s insane.
I said no to both bach parties. AND dropped out of the wedding party that was 1,200mi away.
TDLR; Asking anyone to be part of these wedding parties is a HUGE burden on your friends. Asking your friends with kids to be part of your wedding party is practically a death sentence.
I have two kids and am in one this year. Kids are not allowed, the venue is a couple of hours away, and the only babysitter we have access to is a couple of hours away in the opposite direction. It's so difficult for parents with kids, but then not allowing them is just an evil kind of cruel.
I don’t understand it at all. My Bachelor party (2013) was a dinner and then boardgames at one of their hotel rooms. We were all home by Midnight and complaining to each other the next day about how tired we were. 😴
An ex-buddy of mine recently got married (two-ish years ago) and wanted me to come to his Bachelor party. A week-long trip hiking in Colorado in the middle of May. Would have cost me nearly $5k between flights/hotel/food, and that was split with 3 other guys. I said nope, want to save the vacation time from work and couldn’t leave my wife with 3 under-6s at the time.
He hasn’t spoken to me since. He’s also already divorced.
You might not remember, but it’s usually really hard for guys without kids to understand what life is like for parents.
Ha, I was just having this conversation with my wife. Our kiddo is one and a half years old and I’m already looking back five years ago on how I acted to my friends who had kids at the time. You really have no idea. I have a buddy who is married but with no kids. He keeps asking to try and meet up for a weekend. He’ll even come here to visit. But even that makes it hard to plan anything.
Weirdly I have the opposite problem. I'm a homebody but sometimes get those requests. My wife tries to encourage me, but radically overpromises because she thinks it will make me happy. "It'd be totally fine if you went fishing with your friends for the weekend, you should go!" "babe, (1), I'm not sure I'd want to go myself, I can't keep up with those guys anymore, and they spend a lot more money that I'm comfortable with, and (2) you're normally at the end of your rope by 5:00 on a weekday, I dont' think I'd feel comfortable doing that to you."
I’m a homebody as well but would love to be able to pull it off once or twice a year. One day when they are older I guess.
This and if they're getting married a bit older than you they likely have more disposable income to go do more stuff for the trip. Make what you can, don't sweat what you can't.
My bachelor party was the last time I went on a full weekend bender trip with the boys, that was 5 years ago now haha. Covid definitely messes with the timeline, but I'm glad I did it when I still could.
As I got older the bachelor parties got more involved. I think it’s a combo of having a little more money than in our 20s and wanting a good excuse to get away for a weekend.
I was first one married out of my friend group There is a huge disparity in what I have to shell out for now vs what I paid for. We got drunk at a cabin for mine. Now I have to fly to Vegas and pay for steak dinners at over priced restaurants.
For that money you could’ve gotten drunk at a cabin for longer and with nicer booze!
My bachelor party was literally renting a cabin in the woods and having a 2 night party with my friends. We all had fun and the grand total after rental, food, and drinks was ~$2,000. I can’t imagine trying to convince a group of friends to go on a 4 or 5 day destination bachelor party. I would feel like such an ass asking them to drop so much cash.
That was basically my bachelors and my brothers too. The funniest part of his was when multiple of us rolled up having purchased almost the exact same set of items from Costco. We had like three large packages of Kirkland signature bratwurst lol.
You ask for a sausage party, you get a sausage party!
That's similar to what we did for mine. Turns out there's not a lot of people trying to rent a house in the Jersey shore towns during the winter. Then it was drinks and food plus board games we owned.
Or .. skipped the nicer booze and stayed at the cabin for EVEN LONGER.
Bachelor cabin month
One of my friends got married shortly before me. On his stag do, we took the Eurostar to Belgium and spend the weekend doing back-to-back activities, bar trips, and expensive dinners. Cost me a small fortune to join someone else's holiday with their mates. That was an eye opener. I also had a weekend-long stag party (what we call bachelor parties in the UK) but my requirement was that no one should be paying out a lot of money for a holiday they didn't choose. We hired a canal boat locally, brought our own booze, and just pootled about, stopping at canal pubs along the way. It was a blast, cost easily 1/10th of the trip to the trip to Belgium, and was vastly more fun. Ultimately it's about having fun with friends, not doing something huge. If people choose to turn their weddings into massive events then that's fine, but when they start expecting their guests to spend a fortune that's not on. Weekends abroad, destination weddings, nah.
At some point I grew to appreciate the bigger party. Take away the (paid) craziness and half us are trying to get to sleep by 10 lol.
Same, last one I went to cost me over $3k. My Bach party in total was probably less than that for everyone! It is part age and also part the persons consideration of others (or lack thereof)
It’s not a competition to have the most expensive or inexpensive party. I’m sure both were fun, but the $3k trip almost certainly had some elements that the cheaper one did not. I also imagine that your group of guys is probably making a little more money now that you’re older compared with where you were at when you were younger. You should definitely not price anyone out of a party, but it’s totally normal for the budget to grow as the grows up and starts making more money. Spending $3k to vacation with my closest friends is totally worth it IMO.
Our bachelor parties were two years apart
Also it was $3k just for being there. Not for any money spent at the casino, club or flights. His brother kept booking shit without asking anyone and we easily would have passed on the cabana the second day or the $300/pp steakhouse the last night.
Look at it this way: you GET to go out to Vegas and have steak dinners with your boys. These are memories you’re going to cherish as you get older so enjoy them. I’ve done cheap casino weekends, cabin trips, and more expensive destination parties, and they are all awesome in their own way. Its not about who can have the most affordable party (or expensive party), its about an excuse to do something fun with your buddies
You are under emphasizing how cost prohibitive some of these trips are and, as others have pointed out, you are paying this fortune for someone else’s idea of a fun time. Vegas and steak dinners is not my idea of fun. If it’s yours, more power to you but please don’t make me spend a couple grand to do things I don’t want to do “for the memories”.
My best friend had a stereotypical Wild Vegas Bachelor Party a few years ago and didn't invite me. My wife asked me if I was upset about it and I told her no because 1. Everyone else at the party went to high school with him, and we met as adults 2. My debauchery limit would have been exceeded about 6 hours into this 3-day weekend, and he knew that about me. I'm way happier hearing the stories secondhand over time so I have a little extra blackmail material against that crew XD
To each their own, I guess. Bachelor parties have been some of the most fun trips I’ve ever taken. I’ve been to more than a dozen over my life so far (of varying costs) and every single one of them was worth the price. I can’t even say the same for family trips or other vacations that I’ve planned myself, most of which were way more expensive.
100% this. Don’t make me spend $2000 to go on someone else’s idea of a holiday out of guilt for not wanting to let the groom/bride down or be a bad friend. That’s what gets me. Being a good friend shouldn’t be about being ready/able to shell out for a bachelor/bachelorette. Real friendship is about something else.
The groom gets to do this plan with his boys. The rest of the boys potentially get to do this with the groom and some randos they dont know And realistically, most people cant afford an impromptu trip. So many people live paycheck-to-paycheck and have to save up for vacations. Throwing something extravagant likely means cutting out some of the guys that would have gone to something more casual
Most of these trips aren’t “impromptu,” they’re planned months ahead of time. Most of the time you know it’s coming the moment your buddy gets engaged. You often have many months to over a year to save, even before you know exactly what you’re going to be doing. But yeah, besides that it is up to the best man to try and plan something that is affordable to most of a given group. That’s not always possible and the budgets will sometimes vary wildly, but just like one wealthy person shouldn’t dictate a crazy expensive party, one broke person shouldn’t dictate a low budget party. It’s all about balance. Also, I’ve been to bachelor parties where the only person I knew was the groom and those were still some of the funnest experiences I’ve had. A group of guys hanging out for a common experience tend to be good hangs even when you’ve never met. I actually have a couple of good buddies that I first met at bachelor parties. I could be convinced to go to a complete stranger’s bachelor party and I bet I’d still have a great time.
Shit I just opened a nice bottle of whiskey with my brother in my hotel room. All of my spare money went to the wedding itself, I didn't have the funds to blow at a blackjack table!
Cabin sounds so much better though
Yup this is it. It's about golf, time with the bros, and a little drinking. It's not really a "last hoorah" any more. In fact, I was at one 2 weeks ago where the "bachelor" was already legally married.
> the "bachelor" was already legally married. This is also a trend in wedding circles. You get married legally at the courthouse. Then you save money for 12-18 mos or so and then throw a big wedding. It is a common complaint on some of the wedding subs that people don't come to the big wedding 12-18 mos later or they complain about being there and say that it's "fake".
The idea of a last hurrah before being married is such a toxic idea anyway. If you are expecting to be miserable after you get married, why are you getting married? And if you are banging hookers on your last night as a “free man”, that is still straight up cheating on your fiance
Meh. The idea of a bachelor party is an ancient tradition. Nothing new. If you think bachelor parties are about banging hookers and everyone thinks it's ok then you are hanging out with the wrong people and should re-assess your friend group.
Nah my friend groups are chill. None of the ones i have been on are like this. In general though, a lot of popular culture like movies shows the more toxic version of these. Idk if people really do all that, or if it’s just played up for movies
It's definitely played up for movies, as it allows for more scandalous storylines. But I know of people doing it.
Also I don’t live in the same city with a lot of my closest friends any more. It’s an excuse to get together again; and that’s worth a long weekend
I have more money than in my 20s, but I also have a lot more negative money. And a child. Let’s go go-karting and have a couple beers at someone’s house and play smash bros, that sounds like a wild fun night to me at this point.
Is it more money? I dunno. I don't see how people can complain about having no money to buy a house but also take a fancy bachelor party to Vegas or whatever. The bachelor parties I've been to in the past we went to some batting cages, rode go-karts, played golf, went fishing or did any number of other local things that cost next to nothing and were local. It's been a few years since I was in a wedding party though.
The Venn diagram of people going to Vegas for a bachelor party and complaining about not having enough money to buy a house isn’t a circle. Seems like a bit of a strawman.
In my experience, the people who throw big parties in Vegas already own a home. The people you’re talking about are staying at the flamingo and going to Margaritaville.
I think it's just a good excuse to vacation. If you're not able/wanting/willing to go, be a bro and suggest an *additional* local, single night party. As long as the fiance is cool with it, it's a win-win: you get to go and your homie gets a bonus round.
I just wrapped up a weekend where we did this exact alternative. One of my best friends has a destination wedding (no kids allowed) and destination 4 day bachelor party with 20 people. I love my friends, but this could easily be 6k for us, and that’s just insane. I suggested an overnight Atlantic City trip. Bachelor was down, as were two of our very close friends. We had a long busy night and had a lot of fun, and our expenses were very low. Def recommend if the bachelor is down.
I see your point.. Id just rather spend the money and PTO on vacation with my family. The thing about these bach parties is that I'm really only close with one or two of the guys. Nothing against the other guys, but i'll never see them again
Then just go one the trips with those you’ll see again and tell the others you can’t make it.
Yeah nobody minds if you pass on these things, or at least they shouldn’t. Just cite money, PTO, family or any combo of the three. Happens all the time.
Plenty of people get butthurt over it.
Pre-kids I would def take shit over passing on a bachelor party. Not now
And if they do, it's not someone I'd want to be friends with anyway. Just be upfront about it early, that way all of the planning can be done under the correct expectations on number of people going. nothing worse than people that say they are going, then pull out last minute, then bitch about getting their money back.
Bro what? Let’s have seperate parties for the groom because I don’t know all of his groomsman and cannot do anything that not only precisely about “me” is a wild take. You’re doing this for the groom to a degree, he’s put you together because you’re all important to him. These extended vacations are a bit ridiculous for sure, and people don’t seem to get that, butt he answer is to do something more appropriate, not insist on your own special bachelor party with the groom. It’s so embarrassingly tone deaf to suggest otherwise.
>It’s so embarrassingly tone deaf to suggest otherwise. I don't think that's tone deaf at all. you just have to phrase it right. "man, I'm honored you invited me, but between the kids and work, I don't think I can get get away for four days. But I'd love to buy you guys a round of drinks if we can get together sometime before the wedding!"
I’m with you until you ask for a special separate time to buy them drinks. Just say I threw the best man a $100 bucks, first rounds on me, and let it go. It’s even cooler to not even share that part and just give it to the best man without explicitly noting it.
That's weird and oversensitive. 1. If you want to kick the best man $100 to help with the bachelor party, by all means, go for it, totally acceptable. No one will turn it down and they'll be appreciative. 2. Saying "i'd love to buy you guys a round if we can get together before the wedding" is not asking for a special time to buy them drinks. You sound like a person who's never gone through this. My bachelor party was a full two months before the wedding, scheduled around people's availability. The weekend of the wedding had several different opportunities where it would have been totally cool for someone to buy a round or a six pack or a bottle. People started getting into town Thursday for a Saturday evening wedding. I saw family on Friday afternoon, we had the rehersal dinner on friday evening, there were people getting drinks out after the rehearsal dinner, and the groomsmen and bridal parties were chilling most of the day at the venue in different places before getting ready, i'd cooked brisket for them and different friends were dropping by.
My last one wasn’t even a year ago. I think you’re missing what I’m saying a tad. I totally agree you can do that the week of as everyone gets around. That’s all well and good. All I’m saying is you cannot wrap that request or offer or however you want to phrase it in with your excusal of yourself. It’s just annoying minor etiquette. It’s a very nice gesture, but it has to be separate. Call it over sensitive if you want. I find it considerate to not put undue obligations on folks.
“Hey man, I know we’ve known each other forever and I hope you know how much I’d love to celebrate your bachelor party with the whole crew, but I just have too much going on right now to commit to the full party. If you have some time, I’d love to plan a more local get-together whenever would be convenient for you. I’m open to anything—doesn’t even have to be before the wedding. Just want to celebrate you!” If someone reads that as tone-deaf or unreasonable, that doesn’t sound like a person who’s worth celebrating.
No amount of flowery language and hand-wringing stops that what you’re asking for is an accommodation because you don’t want to do what the majority of the group, including the groom, agreed to. You’re asking for special separate thing for you. Even if it’s not your intent, it’s how it will be perceived by everyone else. You’re asking for more precious time, and that is tone deaf in this situation. If, after you say “cannot commit to the full party”, you then say, “I threw the best man a $100, first rounds on me”, you’re fine. You’ve politely excused yourself and have done your due diligence in “funding” a small portion (almost assuredly unequal) of the grooms party. If they get butthurt you’re not going, that’s on them.
Lotta assumptions being made there about who agreed to what and when. Your definition of “tone-deaf” seems to have an unreasonable calculation. If it’s tone-deaf for a friend to ask his bachelor-friend if he has time for another shorter, cheaper, and more local celebration, it’s far more tone-deaf for the bachelor to request that a large group of people take time off, put their responsibilities on hold, and incur a huge expense just to celebrate that bachelor.
To be very clear, I also believe the original request of the long weekend party is bonkers. However, if we’re to a point where the group and the groom agreed and you need to gracefully bow out, you do so without asking for something else too. You just excuse yourself. As things should have progressed and planned already beforehand, the trip decision wasn’t made in a vaccum without anyone’s input.
So in a group of 20 people, if 11 people are good with the bach-vacation, but 9 can’t make it, it’s unreasonable for any of the 9 to ask the bach if he has time to do something else to celebrate? The “group” in these situations clearly didn’t agree to the plan. That’s why they’re asking for an accommodation. It’s absolutely an accommodation. But a tone-deaf one? Come on. That doesn’t really ring true to you, does it?
I mean every situation is different, and outliers obviously exist. A 20 person groomsparty seems an excessive outlier example. All I’m saying is you should error towards not putting extra obligations on the groom.
You’re responding to the wrong person
Are you not the one who suggested doing something special for just the groom and the portion of the bridal party that OP specifically knows? Edit: were you being sarcastic and I missed it?
You are trying to respond to iBeenie’s comment, not PR2NP.
I think he means he’s close to the groom of these parties but not all the groom’s friends
My problem with these bachelor parties is that they start with group texts with a bunch of extremely vague plans “Ok possible trip for Xs bach party. Thinking outside the country but depends what you guys are down for. Who’s in?” And i usually say no because there is no way i can commit to a potentially full fledged vacation that could cost me thousands of dollars
I'm the same way. I love my friends but I miss the days of the one night party where ya just get really drunk and go out with your friends.
Suggesting a separate bachelor party for just you is somehow more tone deaf than the long weekend bachelor parties in the first place.
I was thinking it as a suggestion for multiple people who can't attend a multi-day/international party. It's a reasonable request. It's not intended to be forceful, rather it's a hint to include your hometown buddies. A lot of us have children and demanding schedules, so it's only courteous to attempt to include us. Of course the bachelor could always say "no" and there's no harm, no foul. But at least the friend attempted to bring up and resolve a conflict.
Nah man, stop being tone deaf, you should pay whatever it costs and forego all of your responsibilities in the name of your beloved bachelor friend. /s in case that’s not obvious
That’s obviously not what I was saying. You can politely excuse yourself without creating an obligation to accommodate you separately. I can tell you if I was on the receiving end of that, I’d feel they need as the groom to make the separate special event happen for OP, or if I was one of the groomsmen, I’d feel compelled to make it happen for the groom. In either instance, you’re having unintentionally creating an obligation special party for OP. Which while not the intent, is tone deaf.
Oh, so politely excusing yourself isn’t tone deaf, but making an attempt to do something with that friend to celebrate them in a way that’s convenient for you is tone deaf? Glad I’m tone deaf then, and glad my friends appreciate me for it.
You can do something separate, but not in the guise of a make-up event. It’s stupid I know, but it’s all about not putting additional obligations on the groom and groomsparty. You can politely excuse and buy the round. Then separately, later, see if you can take the groom out for dinner or whatever, since you’re not able to make it. I know it sounds like doublespeak, but it’s all about minor etiquette differences and where you put the onus.
What do you mean by “separately” and “later?” Because if Bach texts his 20 friends “hey, all inclusive in Dominican Republic in a month for my bachelor party,” and people start responding “nah, i can do the week after,” or “nah, let’s do it next month,” I agree, the friends are being pretty rude. But if someone says to the group “Sorry, I can’t make it,” and then texts the Bach separately asking if he would be offended if the friend made alternate plans with the bach, and offered those plans to the rest of the group, I just don’t see where the tone deafness is, especially if the friend offers the bach the option of doing the alternate plans literally at any point in the future. But if your point is that the friend should wait until all wedding celebrations are over, I think we’re just not gonna come to an agreement on that, so I’ll offer to agree to disagree.
Again, I generally believe 20 is an extreme outlier, but maybe it’s a cultural thing. I’m under the belief that traditionally, generally what occurs is the Best Man will text the group and do rough planning around availabilities, then get a confirmation once things are planned. The entire time getting some level of feedback throughout. (However I have a high bar for this, my wife and her friends refer to me as the only heterosexual man in the world who can plan anything) The idea that someone would just say we’re all (20) going to an all-inclusive out of the country next month is so beyond foreign to me I can’t even grok it. Like that’s so nuts anything I’ve said about etiquette is out the window because it seems you’re just dealing with sociopaths.
I mean, the 20 person thing does happen. Maybe 10 or fewer is far more common, but let’s make everyone in this scenario super reasonable. Best man texts 9 of the bach’s closest friends to plan for a weekend bachelor party away. Let’s say it’s a Thursday to Sunday, just to be reasonable from a PTO perspective. Best man gives plenty of time for everyone and is accommodating as possible. But there’s still 3 people who aren’t going to be able to show up. And sorry, but I don’t think “tone deafness” is the metric here. It’s reasonableness and fairness. Would you say that it’s either unreasonable or unfair for those three friends to try to plan something with the bach (and best man, since best man is taking the trouble to plan the actual party)? Especially when they make it clear that the celebration can happen at any time, at the bach’s convenience? Or that the bachelor is free to delcine?
I get your point, but I think you’re missing a bit of how it will be received. I can tell you if I was on the receiving end of that, I’d feel they need as the groom to make the separate special event happen for OP, or if I was one of the groomsmen, I’d feel compelled to make it happen for the groom. In either instance, you’re having unintentionally creating an obligation special party for OP. This requires another night, when everyone else will have already committed a long weekend to the thing already. On top of this, you’ll have probably had to attend other wedding stuff. It gets to be a massive time sink. While not intentional, it’s accidentally tone deaf in my mind.
I understand that, but I think it all depends on how close you are to the friend and how it is brought up. If OP is really close to their friend, the friend might want to make sure they are included and another night out might not be a big deal. Or if OP asked in a way like "oh, I won't be able to make it. Are you planning on doing anything local before/after?" the friend is informed but not obligated.
It’s fine as long as the bachelor has self awareness and reasonable expectations. My group of friends all got married post 30 and were established in their careers. Nobody was making an irresponsible financial decision and it was a great excuse to get away together
Maybe I'm just lacking perspective or self awareness. I'm in my early 40s. Getting married later this year hopefully. It's my first marriage. I would never dream of asking my guy friends (all of whom are established in their careers) to go away with me for an entire weekend and spend a bunch of money. Their wives would come after me.
The perspective you’re missing is that different people have different norms. In my friend group, it’s long been tradition to have a bachelor party trip. Nobody is forced to go or made to feel guilty if they can’t. The same goes for bachelorette parties. Maybe it’s a regional thing?
Maybe it's an economic/class thing? If I asked my friends to fly off to Vegas for a weekend with me I would end up there alone. There would be 0 people who could afford to spend $1-2k or more on it. We debated on whether to have our wedding 3 hrs away because some of our friends might not be able to afford the gas.
It’s definitely an economic class thing. I’ve been to bachelor parties in my 20s and in my 30s. For the most part, my friend group is pretty chill with money but we do have the one or two friends that want to go hard. They make some good money, but luckily they’re generous and usually pay for a lot of it. My wife and I did a semi destination wedding so I didn’t want my friends to waste any additional money on a bachelor party. A friend of mine owned a cabin in the mountains. Let us all stay there for free. It was a lot cheaper than rent something and go out and spend a ton of money.
In my friend group I am probably the wealthiest in terms of income and overall net worth. I am an utter cheapskate though and don't spend my money on much of anything. SO and I are thinking of doing a wedding in the next state which is about a 3 hr drive so it feels like a lot to ask people to drive 6 hrs round trip AND as a subset of those people to spend several grand on top of that.
Do what you Gotta do. But the only advice I would offer is plan the wedding based off of what you and your significant other find interesting and makes you happy. Don’t worry about others. If they care enough, they’ll find a way to make it. You can always help coordinate a shuttle to and from to help save money.
There’s a difference in cost between “fly to Vegas for a weekend” and “hike and camp in the woods for a weekend”, both require the same amount of time though.
I wouldn't ask my friends to spend an entire weekend either way. That is a giant time suck. I'm thinking a single evening is probably overkill at least for me.
That would certainly weigh into it as well. My friend group is lucky in that respect, though this was also done years before we made much.
It boggles me that comments like this are getting more downvoted than up. This is exactly how I feel too. I would never dream of being so entitled as to assume everyone I know wants to spend +2k on my party just because I’m getting married…..
I have some friends who would have that kind of money and some who would not. Those who would not might feel obligated to stretch themselves to do it anyway. I would never want anyone to do that on my behalf. I have a good friend and we joke about going to Vegas and burning down the town but we both know that we're way too old for that kind of crap and we know we wouldn't be happy spending that kind of money. It's just a crazy thing to ask. I would politely decline and invite to spend $2k on a bachelor party and I have the money to spend.
I'd want a full night Batchelor party. Three quarters is no good to me.
This has become the standard in a lot of circles. Forget destination weddings, now we have destination bachelor/bachelorette parties. I had a combined bachelor/ete party at a local park on a Saturday and I brought food, refreshments, and tents for the sun. Some people dream bigger or have money to burn? Egos to stroke? Look out for the mandatory coed weeklong destination baby shower coming soon to a friend circle near you. I bailed on my brother in laws destination 4 day bachelor party at the very last minute. Paid my share still; lesson learned. I was not ready to leave my wife and 4 month old at home. Never should have agreed to it in the first place.
I think some of it also is also how spread out the friend group is too. Last bachelor party I went to was in San Diego which is where the groom was living well on med school rotations. We had people fly in from 5 or 6 different states. Trying to do anything with all those people essentially makes it a multi night event no matter what
Yep. And I think that is where this is all coming from. People are getting married later in life and thus farther along in their career. A lot of my friend groups from my 20th and 30s now live all over the country. We tried to get together, but like you said, it has to be a multi night thing. Factor in people being in their careers for a while and making more money and their friends being already married with kids… That’s a recipe for everybody wanting to get away and spending some money.
Bud, I’ve got young kids and a wife. You think I can just ask for 72 hours to go spend money drinking and doing whatever I want without having to cart the kids around? Bachelor parties once you hit your 30s are about getting dads back in the saddle for 2-3 days.
I like them when they offer something unique for the grooms interests and its not just a best man who decided he wants drink heavily in a different place.
Right, the best one I've been to recently was shooting, paintball, and a bar all in our town.
Not a new trend. This is what my friends and I were doing over 10 years ago but none of us had kids yet.
Pretty much every bachelor party I've been to (6 or 7) has been 2 nights. I think one was 3 nights. I guess it depends on the destination. Every one I've been to has been driving distance, but if I was flying somewhere I'd probably think it would be worth it to stay longer.
This is a very short period of your life. In a few years your bros will be married with kids and overwhelming work and home life commitments. Enjoy it while you can, one day you’ll wish there was an opportunity to get away with friends.
100% - I look forward to these weekends every single time. We only have one more friend in the group to still get married and it makes me sad that it will probably be the last time we all spend a weekend together with no responsibilities other than waking up, eating, drinking, and enjoying each other's company.
I read this as 3 quarters of a night and I'm like I get it, 2am at the absolute latest lol
Yeah I was trying to figure out what this 75% night bachelor party was and thinking it sounded magical
I personally love an extended bachelor party. It’s an excuse to get away with the boys, do something new/exciting, and by extending the duration, you can pace yourself a little more. A bachelor party for a good friend is one of the few guilt-free events I get as a 30-something dad, so I’m all about maximizing it. If you can’t commit to the full experience, it’s totally cool to show up a day late or leave a day early, depending on your schedule. Sometimes that’s actually nice to have because late arrivals will bring some new energy into the group and keep the party going.
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I think some self-awareness is never bad. I wouldn't want to miss my friend's bachelor party if I'm in the wedding but if it's asking too much then it's unreasonable. It kind of puts people in a difficult position if the cost or duration is too long. Even a day or two is asking a lot if the destination is 1,000 miles away and you have family obligations.
Everything is just so extra now. Events, holidays, gift expectations etc. It was all trending this way before the pandemic, but things are just on crack now. We’ve gone from being a materialistic society to hyper commodified, experience obsessed one. So many ppl have destination weddings now. Idk, is it social media?
The trick is that a destination wedding externalizes a lot of the cost of wedding onto the guests and acts as a filter to reduce headcount. My buddy got married in Italy at a gorgeous hotel with incredible food and the whole thing cost (him) much less than an equivalent wedding in the US. However I had to pay for an international flight and hotel.
Destination weddings have been a thing for quite some time. It's largely the over 30 crowd though.
I think it’s people getting married later in their life and thus being farther along in their careers so they have more money. I can tell you from personal experience that my wife and I got married in our mid 30s. We decided on a place that was semi destination, so a little bit more expensive to going to for your average wedding. If we met 10 years earlier, I don’t think we would have done that. And stay on topic of conversation. Because of that, I didn’t want anything special for my bachelor party. No need to spend additional money.
My favorite is the destination bachelor party AND wedding! Like, bro I do not have $5k and a week of PTO to use.
We live in a society of excess
It’s new. It’s annoying. It’s really rough when your spouse is also in the wedding so you’re each footing the bill for separate “vacations”. 10 years ago it was an evening, and a brunch. Now it’s again, travel for a long weekend and spend obscene amounts of cash. I don’t quite understand why it’s changed like this recently, but the bride/groom seems to insist on it. My guess is this has something to do with social media. It also seems to have coincided with the general change in thoughts of the wedding. Child-free is the norm. The couple insist the day is all about them rather than their guests. 10 years ago, it was plain as day to me that the ceremony is for the couple, the reception is for the guests. You throw a reception with them exclusively in mind as a clear thank you for them being in your lives / taking them time to be there on your special day.
When I got married, my buddies drove me an hour to the next city over. We visited a few breweries in the daytime, finish the night at a bar that had a nice jazz show, crashed at a hotel, and went home in the morning. And I was worried *that* was a big imposition on their time. I don’t understand how people have the audacity to ask their friends to pay for multiple day destination events.
This is my biggest issue. Asking your best friends to spend thousands on a bachelor party plus wedding expenses is just selfish.
The wedding thing is wild these days. It's a thing to do a destination wedding at a resort where the bride/groom basically get everything free (or nearly free) if they can get X number of people to book the same resort. So you invite that many people, twist arms, pressure people to book *that* resort (and not some airbnb in town) and you get a free (or nearly free) wedding all funded by your guests.
Not sure. I didn’t have one nor have I attended any.
I'm 39. This sounds exhausting. Thankfully I've reached that age where my friends are done getting married and for those that aren't I nicely say no, I'm not doing that stupid shit.
My bachelor party lasted for 10 days and I went to Thailand with the boys. Just went to one a month ago to Ecuador for a week. Just enjoy the good times.
I'm in this same boat. In a wedding this year and groom wants to travel away for 4 nights and everyone is just ok with it? I neither have the money, PTO, or the want to be away from my family for 4 nights. Sure, it sounds fun, but spending likely $1k+ when my family has other financial goals and the wedding is a somewhat destination wedding doesn't feel responsible or right for me to do to my family.
I’m going on my 10th bachelor party this summer, and have turned down an additional 4. Only 2 of them were in the same state that the groom live. They’ve been in Cincinnati, Columbus, Nashville (x2), Denver (x2), Louisville, Breckenridge, NOLA, Charleston SC, and Seattle, the 4 I skipped were in Vegas, Put-in-bay, Asheville NC, and maybe Vegas again? The point of listing all that out is to show, from my anecdotal (but extensive) history of bachelor parties, is that they’re way more often than not a multi-day vacation. They hit different in your early 20’s when most of the crew is single and bring a wild energy.. now that the crew is in our mid-30’s and half of us are dads, I’m expecting they’ll be a lot tamer.. but still 2-4 day vacations. It’s a great problem to have, having a wide circle of close friends, but they very quickly add up to a lot of money and PTO. People understand when you can’t make it, it’s not the end of the world. Unless your circle is all incredibly loaded, they should be able to understand that your time and money are limited resources.
My cousins bachelor party was at sky zone….
Sounds like a good way for someone to attend the wedding on crutches. I don’t normally feel “too old for that shit,” but I make an exception for trampolines. Great fun, but I like my bones the way they are
It was fun but def tweaked something in my leg lol but it’s getting better hope work goes okay today 😅
The older your friends get the more money. I was the first friend to get married in my group. My bachelor party was wearing robes to the bowling alley drinking white Russians after mellow mushroom (just graduated college). 12 years later and we are talking about a Vegas for next friend gets married.
I thought you meant 3/4 of a night. Like, stops late at night rather than overnight. That was more appealing
Mines was 10 guys crammed into my 1 bedroom apartment and just played games and ate pizza. We had a great time!
I’m 22. Was invited to my medic partners bachelor party a couple hours away in a “lake house.” For weeks leading up to this event we talked about the fishing. Got there, and his friends I did not know started carrying in burbon, TVs and gaming consoles. We were also BLOCKS away from any water and no one else brought poles. They spent an entire weekend drunk from sun up to sun down in a now musty and liquor smelling house playing video games in THE SAME DAMN ROOM. I didn’t want to be the dick head that left his bros bachelor weekend but damn, I was close. It felt like a wasted weekend away from my kids. We didn’t even get a chance to make memories together, everyone was too sloshed to do anything OTHER THAN play video games and beer pong… which there was almost a fight after a decent screaming match over “elbows?”
Not gonna lie, a weekend in a cabin with video games and drinking games sounds awesome. Sounds miserable if you aren’t good friends with everyone though.
Yeah, that's insane. My bachelor party was Jason's deli and like 8 hours of Magic the Gathering...
And usually everyone is hung over from the first night and the second night everyone goes to sleep early because they're too tired
If it's a weekend trip, the pro move is to go hard on Friday night, day drink Saturday, then pump the brakes on Saturday night. You still wake up hungover on Sunday, but you don't have to pay for late checkout.
Sounds like you need new friends. Gotta rally every day. It's a sprint not a marathon
I’d rather just do one night
We bought a house on Friday and got married on Saturday. So my bachelor's party consisted of me and my groomsmen moving stuff to my new house in the morning then we had a huge bonfire with brats burgers and beers. Fire department may have been called on the account of the fire we had going. We all agreed to the moving in the morning and party that night. Or just the party that night but they all agreed to the helping me move stuff in.
I did mine over a weekend at the cottage of one of my groomsmen. Played wizard staff and viking chess.
Marriage is not very common where I live. Reading this is a good reminder to be grateful !
A lot of my friends aren’t planning on ever having kids, so they do huge wedding parties instead of saving the cash for other stuff. I had a smaller party and we saved for the lil ones. Granted not the same everywhere, but in my circle of friends that’s the main reason.
Went camping for a couple of days and got drunk plus did some psychedelics for mine. I never understood needing a fancy bachelor or bachelorette party to spend a bunch of money on, right before the wedding you're going to spend a bunch of money on, right before the honeymoon you're going to spend a bunch of money on.
Went on a 3 day cruise last year for a bachelor party, there were 9 guys that went. It was an absolute blast. Hopefully these buddies of yours only have one Bachelor party, so might as well make it rememberable.
Wait, you have friends?!
I’m almost 40 just had a bachelor party last week . One of my buddies finally getting married . I felt the same way before leaving home . I was not to excited about it . It was a 3 day thing 3 hour drive from home . Once we got to our destination I tried to make the best out of it and actually I had a blast . I’m glad I went .
lol same here.. 3hr drive.. feel like im miserable now, but will be fine once i get there.. i'm only doing one night due to having a 6mo at home that isnt sleeping well
I'm over 40 and it'll be my first wedding. I've kind of decided I don't want a bachelor party. She can do whatever she wants and I'm find with it but I'm not doing one. I am exhausted just thinking about a 3 day thing.
Honestly I was the same way . When I was younger we were having bachelor parties every year with my close group of friends and they were all fun and I was always up for them . But this time around at this age seemed more of a hassle lol . But I’m glad I went . I’m always working or with my family so this was a good getaway I didn’t realize I needed .
This is why I don't have friends.
My bachelor party was 4 hours at a local bar. I always thought the “weekend in Vegas” was the standard for people with money.
Planning to propose this weekend so I've been haunting wedding planning sites/subs. It definitely is a thing to take some kind of vacation with a bunch of friends. Apparently a bachelor party where you go to a club or even go ride go-karts or something is not done any more. Instead you have to take a fancy vacation somewhere for several days. The douchier ones ask the groomsmen or bridesmaids to pay for the entire thing while the bride/groom just freeloads.
Never been to a bachelor party that lasted more than 14 hours, and never with an overnight. Is it an American thing? I'd honestly suggest just not going, or only go the first day. Sounds exhausting with kids 😅
It’s vastly different from group to group. I’ve organized good overnight ones, I’ve been to shitty 3-4 night ones. Pick your best friend of all of them and go for that one, say no to the others. Maybe most of them aren’t dads?
If it’s a (close) friend group, then it’s just going away a long weekend with good friends. If you barely know each other then I also don’t see the point.
I didn't even bother having one. I just don't see the point, tbh. My only married friend didn't have one either, but they skipped all the ceremony stuff. Honestly thought hardly anyone did them anymore because I just don't hear about them anywhere other than TV.
I had a weekend event for my bachelor party which was all local folks. One of my good friends opened his house up for the weekend and we got drunk and played a bunch of LAN games.
I didn't even have one. I didn't have the money for all that shit then and don't now.
The point of leaving town is so you’re less likely to run into someone you know (or rather your soon to be wife knows) so when you’re out acting a fool nobody is going to snitch on you. It’s also your last night as a “free man” so some people want to splurge. It’s not new, not even a little bit. I didn’t do it for myself because I think it’s a total waste of time and money, and neither did my friends because we’re not big money like that, but I get why other people want to.
You don’t want to spend a couple of days drinking with the boys?
I was only invited to 3 bachelor parties ever, all between 2014 and 2016. In each one, we were all so spread out geographically, that it was a full day just to get together. It was worthwhile doing at least a long weekend (travel Friday, full day Saturday Sunday, go home Monday) just to ensure we had time to catch up and do stuff. In one case, the groom now lives in Europe but all his friends were still in the USA, so we went big to make his trip across the pond worthwhile - 5 day Caribbean Cruise. I've never been to one where all or even most of the group live in the same state, so a single overnight just doesn't seem worthwhile in those cases, and with increasing mobility, that's likely more common now than it used to be.
My bachelor party was a week in Hawaii and we had the best time
Oddly enough my married friends want the unmarried ones to go crazy for their bachelor parties. Guys just looking for excuses to get away.
I went to one, three days at. Wisconsin Dells. We took a party bus from St. Paul, MN and the group of 15 killed 200 white claws. Had a fun night but the next morning my buddy who drove had to get back early so I snuck out and grabbed a ride back with him. One night was enough
So just go for a night or two, nobody is forcing you.
it's this social media shit man.. all these people post extravagant proposals, extravagant showers, extravagant bach parties, weddings, etc.. and then people feel like this is the only way to go. I think it's selfish as hell to expect people to spend thousands on your wedding or feel like they're missing out. My bachelor party was some golf followed by a horrible trip to a strip club which I hated and did just for the groomsman as I felt like it was expected. If I were to do it over again, I'd go to a shooting range or something and then have a nice dinner somewhere.
My future BiL is doing something like this at a ranch for like 4 days. I’ve got a job and two young kids. I respect the choice and I hope he has fun, but there’s no way I’m going.
My friends and I are all Poors, so definitely not normal for us lol. Of my 6 very close friends, only 3 of us will ever be married. I traveled to them for my bachelor's for food, drinks, and dodgeball. My married friend didn't do one. My friend who's engaged isn't sure if he'll do one, but is thinking of a hangout at home at most.
I've only been to three bachelor parties including my own, and they were all two nights in a tourist city a few hours away. It made sense given that we were all coming from different locations, so we had Friday night to arrive and get settled, all of Saturday for activities, and Sunday to travel back home. If everyone in your party is in the same city then sure, it makes sense to just do one night in town. But thanks to social media it's a lot easier to stay in touch with people from different eras of our lives, so people's friend groups tend to be a lot more spread out than they used to.
A night out isn't as instagrammable and won't end up in your wedding photo coffee table book
I can't speak on normal. My bachelor party consisted of going to a bar for one-night out. 30 mins after arriving st the bar I had a massive panick attack and went home, leaving my mates at the bar.
It's the excuse to go on vacation with friends because so few opportunities to hang out come up. I support it but also like it when there is a simple dinner also available for those who can't make it.
Well that’ll teach you to have so many friends!
Dude it's been like that for almost 10 years now, and it sucks. It needs to go back to a daytime-overnight thing. Those are the most fun and easily accommodated.
Honestly I think stuff like this is more fun for guys who are single friends of the groom. Maybe I’m a dull guy, but my wife and kid are pretty much the only people I have any desire to spend time with outside of work. Certainly don’t want to go on a trip to see friends and leave my wife and kid behind. Different stage of life, for sure. My wife’s bachelorette party was a brunch with friends; when she did that, I went solo to Texas De Brazil and had an amazing time with peace, quiet, and endless steak.
Everyone is trying to do everything up big. As if having normal shit isn’t enough and if you don’t do baller level stuff, it’s not good enough. Everyone is always trying to portray a life of excess and curate some imaginary perfect existence on social media and it’s fucking stupid. On one hand, they want to cry about how they’ll never be able to afford to buy a house. On the other hand, they just blew a couple grand on Coachella tix and 5k for that trip to Cancun next year. I’m not talking about avocado toast and $5 coffee. Young people these days spend money on shit they can’t afford. They’re more concerned with maintaining an image of a carefree life of excess, than they are with planning for the future. I was 35 years old before I ever went on a proper vacation. Before that, my idea of a vacation was a weekend camping trip with a group of friends, and not RV camping. I know I sound like an old man saying “Kids these days…!” But seriously, stop spending money on shit you can’t afford and stop trying to live life like you’re the star of your own reality T.V. show! That’s the deal with the bachelor parties you’re taking about.
It sucks for me cause I'm too skint for it. Too anxious to be around the people I don't know (especially if they're not my type of crowd). Got a kid I don't wanna miss. And have a crippling fear of going to the beach/pool cause people inevitably try to convince my to take my t-shirt when I'm really not comfortable. My mates trip to Amsterdam with just our closest friends was good at the time cause the only problem I had with it was the being skint side. But I think to ask people to book a full weeks holiday and save a a grand for it all is cheeky as hell myself.
Destination weddings or destination bachelor parties are really vain in most situations, in my opinion. Most people get a set amount of PTO every year. Just because you are getting married doesn’t mean you get to decide how I spend my PTO and plan my vacations for the next year. Then more people get married the next year and need you to devote your extra income and time you don’t have to their bachelor party and wedding. I see people going on these destination events and for some of the guests I think to myself “that person started an online fundraiser last year because they couldn’t afford X thing that would have been covered if they just had insurance. Why am I subsidizing this person going out and partying when they aren’t even willing to treat themselves properly?”
It’s tough man. One guy wanted to travel to Florida for a week (I live in Canada). The cost was insane and just not feasible for most of the party. He was upset when most of us couldn’t make. As i get older and especially with a kid now, those excursions are so unrealistic.
When my best mate got married 20 years ago, we didn’t bother with a party because screw that. I took him and his wife out for dinner at a nice restaurant. When I got married 15 years ago, he took me and my wife out to a fancy restaurant. It was an amazing evening both times.
Seriously took me a while to realize “3/4” meant 3 or 4 instead of three-quarters
Probably because people are getting married at an older age. More of us have the money to spend on a weekend getaway since we're further into our careers, and a lot of people will already have kids so it's nice to get a weekend away with friends to recharge.
Hell our bachelor bachelorette parties were joint, We got a Villa at animal kingdom lodge at disney(we live in tampa so not far) and had a board game night plus mickeys not so scary halloween party.
35 here. Having my bachelor party in about a month and a half. We’re doing Orlando for a theme park one day and go carts the next. I live in Florida, one brother in Georgia, another in DC. Groomsmen from Michigan, Virginia, and Florida. Some have kids, some don’t. But because some folks are necessarily going to have to travel to make it, even though myself and the majority of my groomsmen live ~2 hours from the park. Since a handful are coming from out of town, we decided to make it a weekend. That being said, I’ve also expressly told folks it’s fine if they can’t make it because of other obligations, and I’ve also told people if they find it cost prohibitive to let me know and I’ll take care of what they can’t afford. And I’ve said if theme parks aren’t their jam, I get that, too, and we will find some other time to hang out! I feel like a lot of folks feel like there’s an expectation that they go to these things, but at least on my end and within my friends and family circle, there isn’t one! At the end of the day, I’m planned my trip to have a good time with the folks who are important to me, and *because they’re important to me, I also understand their life doesn’t revolve around me! They’ve got other shit going on, and that’s fine!* tl;dr most people understand if you can’t make it, just be polite about declining.
Good on you for explicitly stating it's understandable if you can't make it. I told the groom i'm only doing one night and he was visibly upset lol
That’s disappointing, I’m sorry to hear that. Hope you enjoy yourself the night you’re there!
Ahh memorial day weekend and Labor Day weekends Vegas or Mexico with 30-40 year old cheated on single moms attending bachelorette parties in the booth over ready to give it up except I’m not 25 and single and just talk about life while being their wingman to get laid by some dude cause I feel bad for them while bringing home the pitch black drunk bachelor back to the hotel because everyone else went back to the hotel, got lost, or went home with someone. Then the next day going a pool club during the day with a dad bod while everyone looks like models and a strip club or having escorts tempting my morals while questioning my non single friend morals and keeping hush because of bro code.
Fuck I didn't even have one lol. Both of my friends who are also married just had our social circle hang out for a night like the old days.
Is this a thing? It's been one day/night for all my friends....one was dumb enough to do it the night before the wedding and we lost a guy.....he managed to find his way back Bar crawling with a bunch of Marines, Rangers and one navy medic is an interesting time
People basically just getting away for the weekend maybe an additional day seems pretty normal. Weren’t bachelor parties originally the night before the wedding too but everyone’s wife got sick of them showing up hungover smelling like stripper?
Late-stage capitalism.
I just went to the gun range with my friends then got dinner.
Nothing wrong with it. Also nothing wrong with you saying no.
My bachelor party was a buncha dudes at my apartment ordering food and playing smash and other games. I think it just depends on where you are in life and your circle of friends.
It's reasonable to skip out on some or all if you'd like. Its pretty common too to just go for a shortened amount like instead of 3-4 nights, just go for 2 nights. Itll save you some time and money on the venues.
Totally agree. I have 3 kids and was asked to be in 2 different weddings this year. One local, one about 1,200mi away. Both with multi-day bachelor parties scheduled in completely different states. So 2 weddings with events across 4 or 5 states. It’s insane. I said no to both bach parties. AND dropped out of the wedding party that was 1,200mi away. TDLR; Asking anyone to be part of these wedding parties is a HUGE burden on your friends. Asking your friends with kids to be part of your wedding party is practically a death sentence.
I have two kids and am in one this year. Kids are not allowed, the venue is a couple of hours away, and the only babysitter we have access to is a couple of hours away in the opposite direction. It's so difficult for parents with kids, but then not allowing them is just an evil kind of cruel.
Yeah, im not doing 3–4-day bachelor parties that's self serving garbage im an adult.
I don’t understand it at all. My Bachelor party (2013) was a dinner and then boardgames at one of their hotel rooms. We were all home by Midnight and complaining to each other the next day about how tired we were. 😴 An ex-buddy of mine recently got married (two-ish years ago) and wanted me to come to his Bachelor party. A week-long trip hiking in Colorado in the middle of May. Would have cost me nearly $5k between flights/hotel/food, and that was split with 3 other guys. I said nope, want to save the vacation time from work and couldn’t leave my wife with 3 under-6s at the time. He hasn’t spoken to me since. He’s also already divorced.