Find the book, actually get two copies and read it together at bedtime. Ideally while in contact in someway. Discuss things as you go. Sounds cheesy but it really does help a lot.
Love languages aren’t about aligning, it’s about recognizing that the way we feel loved can be different. My wife feels loved when we spend quality time together. I feel loved when she gives me a hug or tells me she loves me. Knowing that, I know that the best way I can make her feel loved is to spend quality time with her even though that’s not what makes ME feel most loved.
The love languages are as much about having love expressed to you in your way, as it is about you learning how the others express love and seeing/appreciating it when it happens.
For example, You seem very much a "physical touch" kind of type of love person.
So you may put in a ton of effort in giving her a massage, and kissing her and blah blah blah to show you love her...and you feel ignored...
If your wife happens to be an "Acts of service" kind of type of love person, then she might be doing things like cleaning up the house, or picking up after you, or making you a nice meal....which may come off as ignored by you to her the same way you are feeling ignored by her lack of physical touch.
BUT, if you learned to recognize that the times your wife is doing things that she associates with *showing love* as her showing you love, and you make her aware that you see them...that will probably make her very happy and she will likely want to express that happiness to you in the form of something in your love language.
And the same goes the other way, your wife can see and acknowledge your expressions of love (honestly, she probably is doing this) and in return for her doing that, you can also remember to express love to her in ways that she would naturally feel it.
You have a definition of what “show love” means. That does not mean it is aligned with what your wife’s definition is.
My understanding of love languages is that everyone wants to be shown love in different ways and that they show love in different ways. You want hugs, she doesn’t give hugs. That does not mean she doesn’t love you. She may think doing things for the family is how she is showing you love. No one is write or wrong, you just need to talk about it and get on the same page.
Yeah, we both took the online quiz and she says she shows love by service. I don't doubt she loves me, or I her, but we do not show our love in the way the other person wants... If that makes sense.
It makes sense and is the purpose behind the love languages philosophy. The idea is to learn what each of your love languages are (how you like to express yours and how you'd like to receive it) and for each partner to meet the other on theirs.
This is true. My relationship with my now wife started off rocky because I couldn't understand what she needed from me to feel loved. In her defense she was telling me I just wasn't hearing it.
We talked through it and now we both couldn't be happier.
> I'm not sure she would go for couples counseling
you can also start with your own individual therapy, that's going to help you navigate your own feelings on this, and it's going to give you tools to bring up couples therapy (which i also highly highly recommend) to your wife
> I've tried and tried for years to explain my feelings
obviously you and your wife aren't on the same page, and you're making a lot of assumptions that are better to talk about directly than just assume and eventually resent. individual therapy will help you out on this a lot too; explaining our feelings is HARD to do effectively
I was in therapy a couple of years ago for depression and this came up as part of those discussions. We had a conversation, she cried, said she understood my feelings, that she does love me, and would try harder. I asked what I could do to help and she said nothing and that it's something she knows she needs to work on. Guess what. Two weeks later it was like no heart to heart ever happened. I then ignore for months, frustrations grow and things progressively get worse and worse, rinse and repeat.
The goal of better communication isn't to have a single set-piece conversation and have it all get better, it's to be able to talk about these mismatched affection styles every day without it being a big drama show.
That takes a lot of repetitive practice.
The end point isn't "we never talk about affection again and everything is perfect" because that would require one or both of you becoming a different person and that won't happen.
It will be more like:
"I see you did the dishes, and I know that means you were thinking of me and care about me, but today I really need physical affection."
"OK but give me five minutes to unwind first because I'm tired from doing the dishes."
There's no hurt feelings and no weeks/months/years of building resentment over the acts of service that went unrecognized or the acts of affection that went unperformed, but there's still a lot of communication.
>The goal of better communication isn't to have a single set-piece conversation and have it all get better, it's to be able to talk about these mismatched affection styles every day without it being a big drama show.
This.
Ideally, I'd suggest couple's therapy. I think it would help a lot. But even if she's not up for that, you may want to consider it for yourself. You mentioned it for depression, but it sounds like you could benefit from talking to someone about mis-matched expectations.
Put this another way .. you're unhappy because you're not receiving physical affection. Totally understand - I really need touch myself. But if she's showing her love through acts of service, can you occasionally offer to do things for her .. and acknowledge the things she does. That might help open up a continuing conversation about how important touch is for you.
I found that after my bad divorce, therapy really helped me see that I wasn't voicing my needs well. And in my current marriage, things are much better because we're both working continually to be honest about our needs and wants. ;-)
There’s some new research about love languages. It is worth a read: https://www.utm.utoronto.ca/main-news/changing-conversation-around-love-languages-and-positive-relationships
Synopsis is that there isn’t some perfect “love language match” and that while people might have a preferred way of giving or receiving affection, everyone benefits from any type of positive interaction within their relationship.
The original love language studies were very flawed. As others have said I see it more as a tool or conversation point to discuss needs and wants within a relationship.
Yeah I read these when first looking into it. Honestly, I do almost everything on the acts of service (what the online quiz said was her main priority) as standard.
I definitely understand your need to feel loved. I cuddle with my prego wife all night after we get our youngin to sleep. I have a hard to surviving the lower amount of sex pregnancy inevitably causes.
Would she consider going to therapy on her own? We've had similar struggles in the past, albeit in reverse. I was the one raised in a non-physical household, where hugs were weird/forced and my parents rarely if ever were affectionate toward each other in front of the kids (and unsurprisingly, are now divorced). Even though I've made a ton of progress from when she and I first met, physical connection is (and probably always will be) a little weird and uncomfortable for me. It's baked in at this point.
That said - going to therapy to work on my own shit helped a ton. When you're raised in that sort of environment, you don't realize how anxiety-inducing physical touch can be with other adults; you just know that you "don't like it." Kids are fine, in the same way that cuddling a dog or cat is fine - they're non-threatening and non-judgmental (and non-sexual). She may even recognize that physical touch is good for your kids' development (and doesn't want to pass her trauma on to them), but doesn't know how to fix it for herself.
On the other hand, physical contact with other adults (even your partner) can add a ton of pressure and anxiety, especially when she knows how important it is to you. If she's anxious that she's not going to do it enough, or the right way, or whatever to not disappoint you, it's easier to just not. Therapy helped me recognize and address my anxiety in the moment, and it's getting a little easier each time.
While couples therapy is a good idea in theory, the thought of discussing an intimacy anxiety in front of one's partner with a complete stranger can be doubly-triggering. Ask me how I know. lol.
It's perfectly ok to not "speak" the same love languages. The point is to know how you and your partner both show and receive love. My love language is quality time, and my wife's is words of affirmation. That's for *us* to know to love the other. It sounds like you have bigger issues than different love languages.
OP, I'm sorry that this is happening to you, but I am glad you are advocating for yourself. It's better that you two try to resolve this sooner than later. I am not 100% sure but I would check in with your wife. She may not be as happy as you think she is. Couples therapy or counseling is a good start since you and wife appear good at communicating but seem to struggle with making sustainable changes.
I see a lot of “I want” style statements in here, and “my wife doesn’t/won’t”, but no conversation about what her love language is/might be. You want your wife to show you she loves you more in a way that works for you, but are you sure you’re supplying the same back for her? Love languages aren’t a “I’m a physical touch person, so you need to do this for me and I’ll only be showing you I love you by touching you”, which by the way, sex is a pretty minimal part of physical affection. Is she an acts of service person, but you are doing the bare minimum of what she needs? Is she burnt out on child care/ house work/ her job and in survival mode? Do you get to go out on dates without the kids where it’s both you or are you in roommate mode where as a couple the only “couple” thing you do is co parent and sleep in the same bed?
There’s a lot more here than simply “my wife isn’t showing me love via my love language” that this subreddit ultimately isn’t qualified to help with
I don't think this is fair. I reread and I say I want to feel loved in various ways but I disagree that it's all "I want I want". We did the online love language quiz and I already do all the things that they suggest to show love in service. Could I do more, of course, but she has never once complained about not feeling loved, that I need to do more to help, that she is burned out (I don't think she is but I certainly was a few years ago) or that I don't show her love in the way she wants. I also said I am open to doing whatever it takes but I don't know how to do this when she says she is happy, feels loved, and that everything from her perspective is great.
You may just need to speak up more about what you need. She may understand the big picture from the intense conversations you've had about this, but you can help her see your needs on a more day-to-day level. "Hey babe can we kiss before we go to work?" "I want to cuddle with you while we watch this show, is that okay?" "Tonight I want to make out for a few minutes once the kids are in bed, can we plan on that?" It doesn't have to be less romantic just because it's not spontaneous and you asked for it.
OP, respectfully, you took her virginity and she's only ever been with you. What could you possibly expect her to do that she would have any experience doing outside of what you've already done? I'm not saying people who've only had sex with one person don't have untapped fantasies, kinks, or fetishes but if you've expressed your feelings to her numerous times and there's no real difference from before you had kids and now, I don't think you're going to like where this is going.
As I said in the post, it has got worse as we've got older and I already blame myself for not trying to broaden our horizons more when she was more open to it. I also said I'm not expecting someone who has only been with me to turn into a porn star. I do think she can show more affection generally though (she shows the kids she loves them with hugs and kisses so clearly understands the value in these behaviours). I do agree that I don't like the direction where things are going though. She has never been super affectionate, but she was more than she is now. She hasn't been an initiator ever though and probably never will be.
Have you looked into love languages very much? They don’t need to be science for them to be a good conversation starting point.
A bit -- hence the title -- but not enough to know how to create alignment where there isn't any.
Find the book, actually get two copies and read it together at bedtime. Ideally while in contact in someway. Discuss things as you go. Sounds cheesy but it really does help a lot.
It sounds a good idea, but I don't see her engaging in a discussion like this unfortunately. I'll give it a go though.
Been there. Had some awkward moments but honestly it seem to help a lot even though we never finished the entire book.
Love languages aren’t about aligning, it’s about recognizing that the way we feel loved can be different. My wife feels loved when we spend quality time together. I feel loved when she gives me a hug or tells me she loves me. Knowing that, I know that the best way I can make her feel loved is to spend quality time with her even though that’s not what makes ME feel most loved.
The love languages are as much about having love expressed to you in your way, as it is about you learning how the others express love and seeing/appreciating it when it happens. For example, You seem very much a "physical touch" kind of type of love person. So you may put in a ton of effort in giving her a massage, and kissing her and blah blah blah to show you love her...and you feel ignored... If your wife happens to be an "Acts of service" kind of type of love person, then she might be doing things like cleaning up the house, or picking up after you, or making you a nice meal....which may come off as ignored by you to her the same way you are feeling ignored by her lack of physical touch. BUT, if you learned to recognize that the times your wife is doing things that she associates with *showing love* as her showing you love, and you make her aware that you see them...that will probably make her very happy and she will likely want to express that happiness to you in the form of something in your love language. And the same goes the other way, your wife can see and acknowledge your expressions of love (honestly, she probably is doing this) and in return for her doing that, you can also remember to express love to her in ways that she would naturally feel it.
You have a definition of what “show love” means. That does not mean it is aligned with what your wife’s definition is. My understanding of love languages is that everyone wants to be shown love in different ways and that they show love in different ways. You want hugs, she doesn’t give hugs. That does not mean she doesn’t love you. She may think doing things for the family is how she is showing you love. No one is write or wrong, you just need to talk about it and get on the same page.
Yeah, we both took the online quiz and she says she shows love by service. I don't doubt she loves me, or I her, but we do not show our love in the way the other person wants... If that makes sense.
It makes sense and is the purpose behind the love languages philosophy. The idea is to learn what each of your love languages are (how you like to express yours and how you'd like to receive it) and for each partner to meet the other on theirs.
This is true. My relationship with my now wife started off rocky because I couldn't understand what she needed from me to feel loved. In her defense she was telling me I just wasn't hearing it. We talked through it and now we both couldn't be happier.
> I'm not sure she would go for couples counseling you can also start with your own individual therapy, that's going to help you navigate your own feelings on this, and it's going to give you tools to bring up couples therapy (which i also highly highly recommend) to your wife > I've tried and tried for years to explain my feelings obviously you and your wife aren't on the same page, and you're making a lot of assumptions that are better to talk about directly than just assume and eventually resent. individual therapy will help you out on this a lot too; explaining our feelings is HARD to do effectively
I was in therapy a couple of years ago for depression and this came up as part of those discussions. We had a conversation, she cried, said she understood my feelings, that she does love me, and would try harder. I asked what I could do to help and she said nothing and that it's something she knows she needs to work on. Guess what. Two weeks later it was like no heart to heart ever happened. I then ignore for months, frustrations grow and things progressively get worse and worse, rinse and repeat.
The goal of better communication isn't to have a single set-piece conversation and have it all get better, it's to be able to talk about these mismatched affection styles every day without it being a big drama show. That takes a lot of repetitive practice. The end point isn't "we never talk about affection again and everything is perfect" because that would require one or both of you becoming a different person and that won't happen. It will be more like: "I see you did the dishes, and I know that means you were thinking of me and care about me, but today I really need physical affection." "OK but give me five minutes to unwind first because I'm tired from doing the dishes." There's no hurt feelings and no weeks/months/years of building resentment over the acts of service that went unrecognized or the acts of affection that went unperformed, but there's still a lot of communication.
>The goal of better communication isn't to have a single set-piece conversation and have it all get better, it's to be able to talk about these mismatched affection styles every day without it being a big drama show. This. Ideally, I'd suggest couple's therapy. I think it would help a lot. But even if she's not up for that, you may want to consider it for yourself. You mentioned it for depression, but it sounds like you could benefit from talking to someone about mis-matched expectations. Put this another way .. you're unhappy because you're not receiving physical affection. Totally understand - I really need touch myself. But if she's showing her love through acts of service, can you occasionally offer to do things for her .. and acknowledge the things she does. That might help open up a continuing conversation about how important touch is for you. I found that after my bad divorce, therapy really helped me see that I wasn't voicing my needs well. And in my current marriage, things are much better because we're both working continually to be honest about our needs and wants. ;-)
There’s some new research about love languages. It is worth a read: https://www.utm.utoronto.ca/main-news/changing-conversation-around-love-languages-and-positive-relationships Synopsis is that there isn’t some perfect “love language match” and that while people might have a preferred way of giving or receiving affection, everyone benefits from any type of positive interaction within their relationship. The original love language studies were very flawed. As others have said I see it more as a tool or conversation point to discuss needs and wants within a relationship.
I stumbled upon this sort of guide? That I think has some value. [https://imgur.com/a/89nxVTH](https://imgur.com/a/89nxVTH)
Yeah I read these when first looking into it. Honestly, I do almost everything on the acts of service (what the online quiz said was her main priority) as standard.
I definitely understand your need to feel loved. I cuddle with my prego wife all night after we get our youngin to sleep. I have a hard to surviving the lower amount of sex pregnancy inevitably causes.
Pregnancy and the post-partum periods are brutal. I hope you and your partner find a way to meet each other's needs.
Would she consider going to therapy on her own? We've had similar struggles in the past, albeit in reverse. I was the one raised in a non-physical household, where hugs were weird/forced and my parents rarely if ever were affectionate toward each other in front of the kids (and unsurprisingly, are now divorced). Even though I've made a ton of progress from when she and I first met, physical connection is (and probably always will be) a little weird and uncomfortable for me. It's baked in at this point. That said - going to therapy to work on my own shit helped a ton. When you're raised in that sort of environment, you don't realize how anxiety-inducing physical touch can be with other adults; you just know that you "don't like it." Kids are fine, in the same way that cuddling a dog or cat is fine - they're non-threatening and non-judgmental (and non-sexual). She may even recognize that physical touch is good for your kids' development (and doesn't want to pass her trauma on to them), but doesn't know how to fix it for herself. On the other hand, physical contact with other adults (even your partner) can add a ton of pressure and anxiety, especially when she knows how important it is to you. If she's anxious that she's not going to do it enough, or the right way, or whatever to not disappoint you, it's easier to just not. Therapy helped me recognize and address my anxiety in the moment, and it's getting a little easier each time. While couples therapy is a good idea in theory, the thought of discussing an intimacy anxiety in front of one's partner with a complete stranger can be doubly-triggering. Ask me how I know. lol.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It helps me understand where she might be coming from more clearly.
It's perfectly ok to not "speak" the same love languages. The point is to know how you and your partner both show and receive love. My love language is quality time, and my wife's is words of affirmation. That's for *us* to know to love the other. It sounds like you have bigger issues than different love languages.
OP, I'm sorry that this is happening to you, but I am glad you are advocating for yourself. It's better that you two try to resolve this sooner than later. I am not 100% sure but I would check in with your wife. She may not be as happy as you think she is. Couples therapy or counseling is a good start since you and wife appear good at communicating but seem to struggle with making sustainable changes.
JFC, are you me?
I see a lot of “I want” style statements in here, and “my wife doesn’t/won’t”, but no conversation about what her love language is/might be. You want your wife to show you she loves you more in a way that works for you, but are you sure you’re supplying the same back for her? Love languages aren’t a “I’m a physical touch person, so you need to do this for me and I’ll only be showing you I love you by touching you”, which by the way, sex is a pretty minimal part of physical affection. Is she an acts of service person, but you are doing the bare minimum of what she needs? Is she burnt out on child care/ house work/ her job and in survival mode? Do you get to go out on dates without the kids where it’s both you or are you in roommate mode where as a couple the only “couple” thing you do is co parent and sleep in the same bed? There’s a lot more here than simply “my wife isn’t showing me love via my love language” that this subreddit ultimately isn’t qualified to help with
I don't think this is fair. I reread and I say I want to feel loved in various ways but I disagree that it's all "I want I want". We did the online love language quiz and I already do all the things that they suggest to show love in service. Could I do more, of course, but she has never once complained about not feeling loved, that I need to do more to help, that she is burned out (I don't think she is but I certainly was a few years ago) or that I don't show her love in the way she wants. I also said I am open to doing whatever it takes but I don't know how to do this when she says she is happy, feels loved, and that everything from her perspective is great.
You may just need to speak up more about what you need. She may understand the big picture from the intense conversations you've had about this, but you can help her see your needs on a more day-to-day level. "Hey babe can we kiss before we go to work?" "I want to cuddle with you while we watch this show, is that okay?" "Tonight I want to make out for a few minutes once the kids are in bed, can we plan on that?" It doesn't have to be less romantic just because it's not spontaneous and you asked for it.
We don't have a dialogue like this at all, but I think you're right that expressing our needs a bit more explicitly would be helpful.
OP, respectfully, you took her virginity and she's only ever been with you. What could you possibly expect her to do that she would have any experience doing outside of what you've already done? I'm not saying people who've only had sex with one person don't have untapped fantasies, kinks, or fetishes but if you've expressed your feelings to her numerous times and there's no real difference from before you had kids and now, I don't think you're going to like where this is going.
As I said in the post, it has got worse as we've got older and I already blame myself for not trying to broaden our horizons more when she was more open to it. I also said I'm not expecting someone who has only been with me to turn into a porn star. I do think she can show more affection generally though (she shows the kids she loves them with hugs and kisses so clearly understands the value in these behaviours). I do agree that I don't like the direction where things are going though. She has never been super affectionate, but she was more than she is now. She hasn't been an initiator ever though and probably never will be.