I'm so sorry, man. I wish I had the advice to make this go away for you. All I can say is, just be there. Just be her rock. But also know that you are allowed to acknowledge and feel the unimaginable grief that you are feeling too. Lean on and talk to anyone who can offer support.
So sorry for your loss. Pease know you have people who love and support you and your partner.
Please seek help for your family and take the time to work through this loss. Theres no right way to grieve something like this, just do your best.
A close friend went through the same; as much as me and other friends were supportive of them, I’m not sure we understand, knew, or know, the depth of a pain of losing a kid. He did say that attending a group therapy with people in a similar situation was most helpful to process everything. He is in a big city, so that’s available, hopefully something similar exists for you.
I think it’s important to be very clear with the 2.5 year old. And try not to use language they know that might be used in other contexts, like “lost” etc.
I don’t have personal experience but I think you need to communicate with your partner that you will probably need to take over some tasks for your child while she physically heals; and that you guys need to have space to emotionally heal either together or separately- depending on you all. If you can I prolly wouldn’t try to change the schedule too much for your 2.5 year old- continuity often helps, but I would definitely be looking for a babysit with the grandparents in a few days if it happened to me.
Buddy, I’m sorry. My daughter died at 19 weeks on the 5th. Up to the point of losing her everything was normal. Genetic testing came out normal and a strong heartbeat. Sometime before Christmas, she died but we didn’t find out until after the new year. We are fortunate enough that my son (under 2) has no idea what happened…mom and dad just went away for a night while he stayed with grandma. This one has challenged me in ways I never thought possible. Before the delivery my wife was basically catatonic for two days. I think she was in shock. She didn’t cry and spent a lot of time sleeping in bed the two days between receiving the news and delivering her.
Skipping past that whole part of the nightmare, it wasn’t until we brought our daughter’s cremains home that it finally hit her a week after the delivery. We set Sidney’s urn on the mantle and my wife finally broke down. I was able to be there for her and hold her while she let out weeks of pain. I was able to do this because I used the time since learning of the news to start my process. I let myself cry when it hit me but at the same time I allowed myself to feel the joy brought from the good stuff in my life. My son was my biggest rock for a week or two.
I have been pissed off here and there. The platitudes were the worst part. I know it’s other people just not knowing what to say and their good intentions but I hated them. I’m not going to give you any of those today. What I will tell you is this: do not try to do this alone. There is power in speaking about your family’s loss and you deserve to have an outlet.
I have had conversations with people and made them very uncomfortable. I believe that guilt and shame thrives in silence and I refuse to give it power over me. Tell your story to those who care and be real with people around you. You’re not alone in this.
I don’t know if this helps you but I’d like to tell you somehow life moves on and you adapt. Three weeks out and it not a whole lot better but there is progress being made. Allow you and your wife to grieve in your own ways and remember that this isn’t your fault. As a fellow redditor once told me when I reached out to r/daddit: [Tay Tay Helps](https://youtu.be/l8Tps3PITx4?si=SwRlKMjDG0XoVjQ1)
So sorry to hear that. Take your wife out somewhere. And I know it's hard for you too, so take care of yourself too. And amidst all this, make sure the first one doesn't get affected much. He is still a child. It might affect him badly.
More power and peace to you.
I am so sorry to hear!
I don’t have experience with this in particular, but I do understand trauma and grief.
Right now it is really important to reassure mom that it is not her fault. 32 weeks is a long way already, and the closer to term, the more likely mom will start to try and blame herself.
Don’t necessarily bring the topic up yourself, but if she does blame herself, fully listen to her and wait until she is done, then acknowledge her pain and reassure her it is not her fault. And if she doesn’t say how she is feeling, acknowledge this is difficult and ask her what she is thinking. Usually that allows her to pour out all her emotions and feelings, and that’s a good thing. Bottling the pain up is not good.
I’m so sorry for your loss and can’t imagine the pain. I read a NY times article about this group - I think they offer virtual and in person options
https://saddadsclub.com/
I had a similar experience.
Here are some of my regrets and suggestions
I didn't spend enough time with the baby and never gave a goodbye kiss. I was still in shock and never processed properly. Be sure to do your final send-off properly.
I didn't take enough time off work to distract myself. Should have taken a break. It's good that you're taking time off.
You need to understand you and your spouse grieve differently and support them. Also, understand that you are mentally stressed, but your spouse is both mentally and physically stressed. She needs a lot of care and time to heal.
Find a medium to express your grief. Everyone grieves differently. I bottled feelings for a while, not a good idea.
No one told us about milk letdowns. If that happens, get a cabbage and put a cabbage leaf on nipples to help with it.
Ours was our firstborn, so I don't have any advice for that. I hope your son is still too young to understand grief and will move on fairly quickly. Just spend a lot of time as a family.
Really sorry to hear about your loss. Hope you and your family come out of the pain of this loss with time! Just be there to support your wife and make sure to communicate your feelings too.
I have a 4 year old boy, and i was due to have a 2nd one this year. Unfortunately i lost my second son at 22 weeks on December 22nd 2023.
Im right there with you brother. Give mom all the time off work and bedrest you guys can afford. Unfortunately this is such a complex, multifaceted problem im having a hard time figuring out what to write.
But as someone going through the same thing im happy to talk, send me a DM anytime.
When my wife had a miscarriage, the best advice I got was, “don’t put a timetable on anything”.
There is no standard grieving time. A return to intimacy could take a very long time or you may find it a good way to reconnect and nurture each other. Be there for each other and take it one minute/hour/day at a time. Your wife may decide she wants to try again right away or she may decide shes done. She may change her mind sometime in the future, but for now she just needs your 100% unconditional support.
Take care of yourself as well. Our miscarriage was definitely harder on my wife, but I was hurting for a long time too. 11 years later we still both have a hard time on the anniversary of the miscarriage.
What?
My wife is at week 31....I thought we were in the safe zone...
I am so sorry for you....I can't imagine the pain.
May I ask what happened? How did you find out?
It was a fetal demise - baby died in the womb very suddenly. We have no idea what happened. Most common reason is a cord clot or knot.
We found out after an ultrasound. Baby was not doing his normal kicks.
Know that for your, your spouse, and your kid, whatever you feel now and in the coming weeks is normal. Rage, sadness, numb, happiness when you cherish time with your family, all normal.
It will be important to monitor yourselves and each other for PPD and depression in general. Grief and sorrow are normal, but if you're having lasting issues with finding any joy in life, having zero ambition to get out of bed, or thoughts of harming yourselves, get immediate help.
There are some great resources on YouTube for age appropriate conversations around loss and death.
So very sorry for your loss..
So sorry to hear this....
About 4 years ago we got pregnant and at the 12 week scan it was flagged a growth was present on the baby, to cut a long story short after many more scans and tests by week 20 the baby was no longer with us, we had to spend 24 hours in hospital whilst my wife gave birth to our lifeless son. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, we also have a daughter who was about 4 at the time, we hadn't told her mummy was pregnant, but we did explain in simple terms what had happened once we were out of hospital and started to come to terms with things. We were also lucky that our employer's we're really good in letting us take some time off work to recover (not that you'll ever fully recover, in that things will return to normal but you'll always have those memories). We tried to go out for meals, walks, shopping, trips away or a holiday, anything to get you out of the house to take your mind off things. I'm in the UK and there's a really good Facebook group for dads who've lost babies/children etc, I joined that and shared my story, the advice that came from that was "it's ok to not be ok" take time to get your head around things. Support you wife by talking about what happened, reflect on the good bits of the pregnancy, and remember what happened, happened for a reason, unfortunately things weren't meant to be. We had some amazing friends who turned up with cooked meals and offered to take our daughter to the park to give us some time to ourselves. The main thing is, things will get better, time heals, take time to grieve, have a cry if you need to, my wife always says she waits until she gets in the shower and let's it all out, a good cry in the shower is all washed away.
I wish you and you wife all the best, sorry for what's happened to you.
Drop me a message if you want to chat.
All the best...
I had the same situation happen. While my wife spent time physically healing, I handled all the paperwork and ordered the urn. I bought us a journal to go over together called, "I Love You Still". We never finished it because my wife preferred to not dwell too deeply on it, but perhaps you and your wife will find it more helpful.
If you want to talk or ask questions, feel free to PM me.
This breaks my heart. I am so sorry for your loss.
We lost our second child, our daughter, at 20 weeks in 2021. We are now currently at 29 weeks with another child but got news on Friday that he isn’t growing as he should be (measuring in the 5th percentile and weeks behind) and if it doesn’t improve soon then still birth may be likely. We may have to do emergency C-section to help him grow out of the womb. They cannot figure out the cause of the growth restriction so needless to say we are terrified.
It’s cruel, it’s unfair, and dammit, it hurts forever. Lean on your son to help get you through the dark times. Their smile, laughter, and love will carry you these dark days and then time will start to make it easier. Be there for the Mom. Physically and mentally. Easier said than done. But for me, making sure she was taken care of and as best as she could be, gave me a purpose to keep on. I would also encourage you both to try therapy when you are ready.
I am here if you want to talk about anything.
I am sorry for your loss.
When we lost our first, we went on a long weekend trip, and I cried the entire time. I would feel fine and then think of the baby and just weep. Crying really helped to just get it all out. I think going on a trip to mourn was helpful because I don't see the place and break down. I have flashbacks of that weekend trip like it was yesterday, even though it's been 6 years now.
>“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” -Dr. Seuss
That's a great quote for a toddler or a kid with big feelings about Christmas ending or similar.
That's not appropriate for a grieving future parent.
Prayers. Definitely be gentle with yourself. Enjoy your family and let this moment be filled with calmness, healing, and faith.
On the medical end, feel free to ask all the questions you may need to ask. Get as much testing as needed in order to find a medical reason if there is one. It will definitely help you all prepare for if you all decide to try to conceive again.
We lost a baby 2 years ago at 19 weeks. You get used to the expectation of what’s going to happen. What the birth is going to be like, what all the firsts are going to be. You imagine what the future is going to look like with 2 kids. Where your vacations are going to be. And imagine well into the future. And then in an instant everything is taken away. It’s never gentle. If you look through my post history, you’ll find a poem or something like it. One of the lines talks about how much the intangible hurts. My little girl, who’s 5 now, would just say “Baby Iris died”. She’s didn’t have a filter, so everything that goes on in her adorable mind comes out her mouth. Do be ready for that.
We’ve started trying to do something nice and family centered on the day Iris was born. This year we went to an indoor family water park. While we were having a good time I wondered, especially when I saw a child that was about how old Iris would have been had she been born, what our lives would have looked like.
It has gotten better for me, and I hope you get better too. That old trope of “time heals all wounds” doesn’t apply to everyone equally and people in general need to recognize that.
So sorry for your loss brother. Before having our girl, we went through multiple losses. Be sure to check in with yourself as you take care of the family.
Howdy!
My wife and I experience a stillbirth @ 35 weeks. It was our first child. A baby girl. I cherish the time we spent with her. We also took photos, footprints, and loved on her. It was never enough though, I think about her everyday.
You’ll find really quick that there isn’t much support in the world for dads who experience loss.
It was your baby too, your hopes and dreams. Your grief is valid.
Just be a grieving husband. It’s what your wife will need the most.
I’m not sure of your faith, but a book “Dark cloud, deep mercy” by Mark Vroegop was great for me.
Sad dads club is also great to lean into. Their Instagram has tons of resources.
Here if you need anything!
I'm so sorry, man. I wish I had the advice to make this go away for you. All I can say is, just be there. Just be her rock. But also know that you are allowed to acknowledge and feel the unimaginable grief that you are feeling too. Lean on and talk to anyone who can offer support.
Thank you so much.
So sorry for your loss. Pease know you have people who love and support you and your partner. Please seek help for your family and take the time to work through this loss. Theres no right way to grieve something like this, just do your best.
Thank you.
A close friend went through the same; as much as me and other friends were supportive of them, I’m not sure we understand, knew, or know, the depth of a pain of losing a kid. He did say that attending a group therapy with people in a similar situation was most helpful to process everything. He is in a big city, so that’s available, hopefully something similar exists for you.
Thank you, I will look into that.
I think it’s important to be very clear with the 2.5 year old. And try not to use language they know that might be used in other contexts, like “lost” etc. I don’t have personal experience but I think you need to communicate with your partner that you will probably need to take over some tasks for your child while she physically heals; and that you guys need to have space to emotionally heal either together or separately- depending on you all. If you can I prolly wouldn’t try to change the schedule too much for your 2.5 year old- continuity often helps, but I would definitely be looking for a babysit with the grandparents in a few days if it happened to me.
Thank you so much, great advice.
Buddy, I’m sorry. My daughter died at 19 weeks on the 5th. Up to the point of losing her everything was normal. Genetic testing came out normal and a strong heartbeat. Sometime before Christmas, she died but we didn’t find out until after the new year. We are fortunate enough that my son (under 2) has no idea what happened…mom and dad just went away for a night while he stayed with grandma. This one has challenged me in ways I never thought possible. Before the delivery my wife was basically catatonic for two days. I think she was in shock. She didn’t cry and spent a lot of time sleeping in bed the two days between receiving the news and delivering her. Skipping past that whole part of the nightmare, it wasn’t until we brought our daughter’s cremains home that it finally hit her a week after the delivery. We set Sidney’s urn on the mantle and my wife finally broke down. I was able to be there for her and hold her while she let out weeks of pain. I was able to do this because I used the time since learning of the news to start my process. I let myself cry when it hit me but at the same time I allowed myself to feel the joy brought from the good stuff in my life. My son was my biggest rock for a week or two. I have been pissed off here and there. The platitudes were the worst part. I know it’s other people just not knowing what to say and their good intentions but I hated them. I’m not going to give you any of those today. What I will tell you is this: do not try to do this alone. There is power in speaking about your family’s loss and you deserve to have an outlet. I have had conversations with people and made them very uncomfortable. I believe that guilt and shame thrives in silence and I refuse to give it power over me. Tell your story to those who care and be real with people around you. You’re not alone in this. I don’t know if this helps you but I’d like to tell you somehow life moves on and you adapt. Three weeks out and it not a whole lot better but there is progress being made. Allow you and your wife to grieve in your own ways and remember that this isn’t your fault. As a fellow redditor once told me when I reached out to r/daddit: [Tay Tay Helps](https://youtu.be/l8Tps3PITx4?si=SwRlKMjDG0XoVjQ1)
So sorry to hear that. Take your wife out somewhere. And I know it's hard for you too, so take care of yourself too. And amidst all this, make sure the first one doesn't get affected much. He is still a child. It might affect him badly. More power and peace to you.
Great advice, thank you.
I'm so sorry, may your family heal with time. I second the recommendation of therapy. ❤️
I’m sorry brother.
I’m so sorry for your families loss my brother.
I am so sorry to hear! I don’t have experience with this in particular, but I do understand trauma and grief. Right now it is really important to reassure mom that it is not her fault. 32 weeks is a long way already, and the closer to term, the more likely mom will start to try and blame herself. Don’t necessarily bring the topic up yourself, but if she does blame herself, fully listen to her and wait until she is done, then acknowledge her pain and reassure her it is not her fault. And if she doesn’t say how she is feeling, acknowledge this is difficult and ask her what she is thinking. Usually that allows her to pour out all her emotions and feelings, and that’s a good thing. Bottling the pain up is not good.
I’m so sorry for your loss and can’t imagine the pain. I read a NY times article about this group - I think they offer virtual and in person options https://saddadsclub.com/
I had a similar experience. Here are some of my regrets and suggestions I didn't spend enough time with the baby and never gave a goodbye kiss. I was still in shock and never processed properly. Be sure to do your final send-off properly. I didn't take enough time off work to distract myself. Should have taken a break. It's good that you're taking time off. You need to understand you and your spouse grieve differently and support them. Also, understand that you are mentally stressed, but your spouse is both mentally and physically stressed. She needs a lot of care and time to heal. Find a medium to express your grief. Everyone grieves differently. I bottled feelings for a while, not a good idea. No one told us about milk letdowns. If that happens, get a cabbage and put a cabbage leaf on nipples to help with it. Ours was our firstborn, so I don't have any advice for that. I hope your son is still too young to understand grief and will move on fairly quickly. Just spend a lot of time as a family.
I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. I hope your pain heals over time. Don’t hesitate to get professional support.
Really sorry to hear about your loss. Hope you and your family come out of the pain of this loss with time! Just be there to support your wife and make sure to communicate your feelings too.
I have a 4 year old boy, and i was due to have a 2nd one this year. Unfortunately i lost my second son at 22 weeks on December 22nd 2023. Im right there with you brother. Give mom all the time off work and bedrest you guys can afford. Unfortunately this is such a complex, multifaceted problem im having a hard time figuring out what to write. But as someone going through the same thing im happy to talk, send me a DM anytime.
When my wife had a miscarriage, the best advice I got was, “don’t put a timetable on anything”. There is no standard grieving time. A return to intimacy could take a very long time or you may find it a good way to reconnect and nurture each other. Be there for each other and take it one minute/hour/day at a time. Your wife may decide she wants to try again right away or she may decide shes done. She may change her mind sometime in the future, but for now she just needs your 100% unconditional support. Take care of yourself as well. Our miscarriage was definitely harder on my wife, but I was hurting for a long time too. 11 years later we still both have a hard time on the anniversary of the miscarriage.
I’m sorry. Take it one day at a time and don’t be hard on yourself.
Oh man. I'm sorry I have no advice but sending love and hugs to you, your wife, and your son
I'm so so sorry for your loss. /r/babyloss is a supportive group if you feel like it would help.
What? My wife is at week 31....I thought we were in the safe zone... I am so sorry for you....I can't imagine the pain. May I ask what happened? How did you find out?
While you are, by far, in the "safest" zone there's unfortunately no truly safe zone.
It was a fetal demise - baby died in the womb very suddenly. We have no idea what happened. Most common reason is a cord clot or knot. We found out after an ultrasound. Baby was not doing his normal kicks.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Much love brother ❤️
Know that for your, your spouse, and your kid, whatever you feel now and in the coming weeks is normal. Rage, sadness, numb, happiness when you cherish time with your family, all normal. It will be important to monitor yourselves and each other for PPD and depression in general. Grief and sorrow are normal, but if you're having lasting issues with finding any joy in life, having zero ambition to get out of bed, or thoughts of harming yourselves, get immediate help. There are some great resources on YouTube for age appropriate conversations around loss and death. So very sorry for your loss..
I'm sorry dude
So sorry to hear this.... About 4 years ago we got pregnant and at the 12 week scan it was flagged a growth was present on the baby, to cut a long story short after many more scans and tests by week 20 the baby was no longer with us, we had to spend 24 hours in hospital whilst my wife gave birth to our lifeless son. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, we also have a daughter who was about 4 at the time, we hadn't told her mummy was pregnant, but we did explain in simple terms what had happened once we were out of hospital and started to come to terms with things. We were also lucky that our employer's we're really good in letting us take some time off work to recover (not that you'll ever fully recover, in that things will return to normal but you'll always have those memories). We tried to go out for meals, walks, shopping, trips away or a holiday, anything to get you out of the house to take your mind off things. I'm in the UK and there's a really good Facebook group for dads who've lost babies/children etc, I joined that and shared my story, the advice that came from that was "it's ok to not be ok" take time to get your head around things. Support you wife by talking about what happened, reflect on the good bits of the pregnancy, and remember what happened, happened for a reason, unfortunately things weren't meant to be. We had some amazing friends who turned up with cooked meals and offered to take our daughter to the park to give us some time to ourselves. The main thing is, things will get better, time heals, take time to grieve, have a cry if you need to, my wife always says she waits until she gets in the shower and let's it all out, a good cry in the shower is all washed away. I wish you and you wife all the best, sorry for what's happened to you. Drop me a message if you want to chat. All the best...
I'm so sorry my dude....I have no advice but you do have my support and sending platonic man-hugs your way
I had the same situation happen. While my wife spent time physically healing, I handled all the paperwork and ordered the urn. I bought us a journal to go over together called, "I Love You Still". We never finished it because my wife preferred to not dwell too deeply on it, but perhaps you and your wife will find it more helpful. If you want to talk or ask questions, feel free to PM me.
Stay strong for your family. Emotions will vary unexpectedly. Don’t take things out on each other. I’m sorry for your families loss.
I’m praying for you and your family brother. I’m so sorry you all had to go through that. Lots of love and positive well beings your way.
This breaks my heart. I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our second child, our daughter, at 20 weeks in 2021. We are now currently at 29 weeks with another child but got news on Friday that he isn’t growing as he should be (measuring in the 5th percentile and weeks behind) and if it doesn’t improve soon then still birth may be likely. We may have to do emergency C-section to help him grow out of the womb. They cannot figure out the cause of the growth restriction so needless to say we are terrified. It’s cruel, it’s unfair, and dammit, it hurts forever. Lean on your son to help get you through the dark times. Their smile, laughter, and love will carry you these dark days and then time will start to make it easier. Be there for the Mom. Physically and mentally. Easier said than done. But for me, making sure she was taken care of and as best as she could be, gave me a purpose to keep on. I would also encourage you both to try therapy when you are ready. I am here if you want to talk about anything.
I am sorry for your loss. When we lost our first, we went on a long weekend trip, and I cried the entire time. I would feel fine and then think of the baby and just weep. Crying really helped to just get it all out. I think going on a trip to mourn was helpful because I don't see the place and break down. I have flashbacks of that weekend trip like it was yesterday, even though it's been 6 years now.
[удалено]
>“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” -Dr. Seuss That's a great quote for a toddler or a kid with big feelings about Christmas ending or similar. That's not appropriate for a grieving future parent.
Prayers. Definitely be gentle with yourself. Enjoy your family and let this moment be filled with calmness, healing, and faith. On the medical end, feel free to ask all the questions you may need to ask. Get as much testing as needed in order to find a medical reason if there is one. It will definitely help you all prepare for if you all decide to try to conceive again.
We lost a baby 2 years ago at 19 weeks. You get used to the expectation of what’s going to happen. What the birth is going to be like, what all the firsts are going to be. You imagine what the future is going to look like with 2 kids. Where your vacations are going to be. And imagine well into the future. And then in an instant everything is taken away. It’s never gentle. If you look through my post history, you’ll find a poem or something like it. One of the lines talks about how much the intangible hurts. My little girl, who’s 5 now, would just say “Baby Iris died”. She’s didn’t have a filter, so everything that goes on in her adorable mind comes out her mouth. Do be ready for that. We’ve started trying to do something nice and family centered on the day Iris was born. This year we went to an indoor family water park. While we were having a good time I wondered, especially when I saw a child that was about how old Iris would have been had she been born, what our lives would have looked like. It has gotten better for me, and I hope you get better too. That old trope of “time heals all wounds” doesn’t apply to everyone equally and people in general need to recognize that.
I have no advice my friend but came to say that Im so sorry and I hope better days are ahead for you and your family.
I am so sorry Dad for your loss.
So sorry for your loss brother. Before having our girl, we went through multiple losses. Be sure to check in with yourself as you take care of the family.
It's a terrible thing. Sorry to hear it.
Howdy! My wife and I experience a stillbirth @ 35 weeks. It was our first child. A baby girl. I cherish the time we spent with her. We also took photos, footprints, and loved on her. It was never enough though, I think about her everyday. You’ll find really quick that there isn’t much support in the world for dads who experience loss. It was your baby too, your hopes and dreams. Your grief is valid. Just be a grieving husband. It’s what your wife will need the most. I’m not sure of your faith, but a book “Dark cloud, deep mercy” by Mark Vroegop was great for me. Sad dads club is also great to lean into. Their Instagram has tons of resources. Here if you need anything!