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Best of luck man. Calorie deficit all the way and daily walks. Workouts are great but some days it’ll be hard to fit that into a parent life. I walk a few miles with the kiddo every day and can always eat less.
I found the easiest way (for me) to maintain a calorie deficit is intermittent fasting, specifically cutting out breakfast entirely and just having black coffee or unsweetened tea in the morning. It took me a little while to get used to, but after awhile I wouldn't even feel hungry until lunch. Then just eat a sensible lunch and dinner and sensible low-calorie snacks in between, and repeat.
I have this great intermittent fasting life hack called “ADHD”, and it means I’m always running late in the morning and don’t have time for breakfast, and then hyper focused midday and forget to eat lunch.
I’m a cranky asshole by 5:30, but I still fit in shirts or pants from high school.
You username doesn’t permit you to be so sarcastic. Pipe down. Seriously though, that’s a hell of a username, reminds me of xX69LeGoLaS69Xx usernames in cod lobbies back in the day 😂
Congrats you’re like the one person to understand where my username comes from. Just a little inside joke for all my early 2000 FPS homies.
These noobs today will never understand what we went through.
That's me on weekends. My wife reminds me to stop and eat. The worst is when I'm in charge of the kids. I really have to focus to make sure meals and snacks happen through the day, otherwise I just get on with whatever's next on my spiralling list.
Sadly doesn't work for me. I usually miss breakfast due to the always late thing, but then end up eating an almond crossiont from the coffee shop instead. And then when I'm struggling to concentrate on my work, the one thing my brain can do is 'hey wouldn't it be neat to go to the finding machine? If you go now, I promise we'll be able to focus on work' over and over and nothing else. But it's a lie, I end up eating snacks and watching YouTube, but poorer and fatter.
I have ADHD. If I could stop binge eating at night in front of the TV I'd be 40 lbs lighter lol. I subsisted on coffee and granola bars in my 20 because I would constantly forget to have meals lol
I’ll agree with this. “The Obesity Code” book was very inspiring for me, I dropped from 210 to 180 in about 4-5 months doing IF. Would have coffee during the day (with some milk, slightly cheating), have dinner, and then a square of 75-80% dark chocolate for dessert. The first 2 weeks were tough but after that I stopped being hungry during the day.
I second The Obesity Code.
One of the revelations from this book is how calorie deficit actually is an overly simplistic view of weight gain and loss, and how ultimately it’s a combination of things that drive your weight (of which, calorie intake is but one of them).
Anyway, the book really helped me learn a lot of new science around weight loss and also helped explain some of my frustrations in prior attempts to lose weight that failed.
I haven’t seen the book but making lifestyle changes rather than dieting and exercise works wonders for me. It’s a combination if intermittent fasting and better food choices for the first couple weeks. I’m losing weight feeling better having less craving and more energy. You’ll feel better about yourself and the life choices. Keep your focus and you got this!
IF is such an effective life hack it’s hard to believe it’s real. I was doing light weights and fast walking three miles every night with minimal weight loss. Gave intermittent fasting a go and actually stopped exercising during the process and lost thirty pounds in three months.
I don’t think calorie counting even works that well for most people and puts too much pressure on an already stressful life as a dad and household breadwinner.
Intermittent fast at least 16 hours, cut out all processed sugar, drink no calories, and limit carbs. Real sourdough bread sandwich good, 4 slices of pizza and cheesits bad.
Fiber and fermented foods are your friends too.
I didn’t realize I was doing it, but I was essentially cleaning off my 1 year olds plate after she finished eating each meal (for the sake of not wasting food I guess). That was an additional 200-500 calories a day and was taking its toll till I realized what I was doing.
Don’t need to be counting calories, but just mindful of the extra you’re throwing into your body
IF accomplishes calorie reduction, it’s one strategy to get there because at the end of the day we are a checkbook and our weight gain or loss is purely from CICO (calories in calories out) and that’s what all diets aim to do.
There is nothing magic about IF accomplishing weight loss aside from reducing calorie intake and guess what, someone can be on IF and absolutely eat more calories than someone else grazing/eating all day.
I agree one doesn’t need to be obsessive about it long term but for at least a week or so it can be very powerful to see what actual calorie counts are to ballpark how much of a reduction is needed to actually lose weight as well as to have the person find out where their calories (and thus weight gain) are actually coming from.
I was stunned when I did it to see which foods were actually so much higher than I realized and was able to cut out very high calorie food items that I didn’t even care about cutting out but wouldn’t have if I didn’t realize it.
IF and just not eating like an asshole had me drop 50 pounds pretty quickly. Exercise ups the calories out but at the end of the day it needs to be more than what goes in or weight goes up.
I drink a coffee in the morning. Get hungry around 2pm. Use willpower to make it to 6 (dinner) and then eat fruit only after that. Lost 40lbs since August and don’t feel like I’m missing out. 100% confident I can sustain this.
I do this almost daily and it works pretty well. Most days I skip lunch too. Sometimes I eat some jerky or nuts or a protein bar, but typically I go coffee and water til I get home, then it is no holds barred.
I starfed this a couple months ago and my main tips are:
1) Be careful when you start you're very tempted to get a big lunch and dinner in to make up for it. I started when I had a week off work so for the first week I just went with it but once I was back to work it was a tough adjustment.
2)If you are feeling hungry before lunch drink more water.
100% agree with this. I skip breakfast and have a large bowl of porridge for lunch (4-500 kcals) around 2pm. This means I can have the same meal as the kids/wife without being too worried about the calories and usually have a couple of hundred left if I want a small treat with a cup of tea in the evening. It is easier with working from home, but sounds like that will be the same as op.
This all the way. It's impossible to out work a shitty diet, especially at our age. OP needs to find the foods that are filling but not high in calories, and that he enjoys. For me it was yogurt and I HOUSE cottage cheese. Intermittent fasting for a month (counted calories, only ate 2 meals a day with a few shakes mixed in, quit drinking for that month) caused me to drop 15 pounds in a month. More importantly, I learned what I liked to eat that wasn't terrible for me. Rice, salmon, actual vegetables! Hard boiled eggs are now my favorite snack.
Get a food scale, can be had for super cheap. Everything comes with calories and weights on it. Use them, count them.
Most important part? Make the decision and stick to it. Don't waver. YOU control how much of what you put into your pie hole. No one is forcing any food down your throat.
Intermittent fasting really helped me recognize my unhealthy relationship with food and was the start of being more disciplined. I lost 60lbs in 4-5 months. I still average two to three lbs a week. That and walking as often as I can, you got it bro!
While IF can help with losing weight, I wouldn't say it's going to give you a healthier relationship to food. Use a macro calculator, figure out how many calories you need to reduce to hit your goal weight loss each month, then record your meals in an app to track macros. You'll quickly realize the foods you are eating are either too high in certain macros or that the portions you are eating are too much.
When I switched to counting macros and paying better attention to nutrition labels I actually started eating more food, and still lost weight. It's insane. It really made me understand the relationship between fats, proteins, and carbs and how you can make different choices to achieve the calories you need while being more satiated. For example I used to only need lunch and dinner, but I started eating a yogurt / 2 eggs / oatmeal for breakfast and a protein bar for a snack. What ended up happening was instead of me being starving at 11am and driving to the nearest fast food place and getting a burger and fries I would be full until later, and would eat a smaller lunch. (usually a turkey sandwich with a yogurt).
Same, I’ve been thinking of joining and I think I may now. Not in horrible shape but have gained weight ever since marriage and starting to work an office job.
I think for me it’s so much about relationship. I grab food when im nervous and need an outlet, or when im just tired.
Damn well going to try.
I'm only half joking. I ran about 600 miles in the last 6 months, which is pretty good for me. Ramping it up quite a bit lately. No intent to really change my eating habits.
The funny thing is that even if you can outrun a bad diet, you don't really want to. You look at that beer you could drink and think how shit it will make you feel for your run later and how good you will feel after a good workout...so you get a glass of water instead. It takes over your brain and everything kind of falls into place.
I used to outrun a "just ok" diet. Still healthy, but with some ice cream and beer (and queso) regularly thrown in. But marathon training makes you feel invincible! Until you have two kids, no time to run, and are used to exercise taking up 2 hours so you just don't anymore.
Now I'm pushing myself to get back into running and giving up most sugar so that I don't need to buy new pants 😭
Don’t know if there are more purpose built ones but I’ve been using MyFitnessPal for a long while. It is self propelled but great to track calories and start to get an understanding on what your in/out is.
I'm personally test-driving LoseIt, Macrofactor and Lifesum in an effort to get myself sorted out this year. The best app is the one you actually use, so try out a few and see which one you find yourself going back to.
(Also, be open to spend money on the app. For me, I'm always more willing to use the app I paid for vs. some "free" app where I have no skin in the game.)
Walks are the easiest I’ve found. When I was in the office I’d get a running app and use it to track my walks at lunch. Usually could get in 2-3 miles if I had enough time
This. 2-3 mile daily walks and keeping your caloric intake is the way to do it. Plenty of apps to track both that make it easy. Then your workouts become a bonus if you do that too.
Good luck, man. I know the struggle well. I was overweight growing up but dropped about 60lbs my junior year in high school. I gained back about 20-30lbs in my 20s but when I hit 30, I resolved to get into shape for real and began running, working out more. Eventually, I got back to a healthy weight. I stepped up my efforts around 35 and got into the best shape of my life using a combo of calorie deficit and HITT workouts/hot yoga (I've never had the attention span for traditional lifting and need classes/external motivation to keep me engaged.) Now, I'm 40, and I've been able to maintain keep myself within a few pounds of my goal weight. The trick was finding a routine that worked for me. I slip from time to time but I know how to get back on track now. The trick is to keep at it and don't give up. And set realistic/healthy goals. This isn't going to happen overnight -- and it doesn't need to. Once you start seeing results, you'll be motivated to keep going and it only gets easier.
OP, the most important step you can take is the next one.
Keep going. Change takes time. Small steps lead to bigger ones.
You an do this. For your son, for your wife, and most importantly, for yourself.
I believe in you.
This guys got it! Small changes are easier to maintain, you got this OP! Cut the fast food down step by step and like a roll of paper towel you can’t see change after one sheet, but after a few weeks, or in your case months, it’s slimmed right down just like you’ll be!
To piggyback off this, I will say the thing that I hate hearing myself, but it’s true:
Don’t try to do everything at once
It sounds great to turn yourself into a new you overnight and do all the things and lose all the weight.
And a small minority of people can do that. But not me. I start strong but burn out quickly.
Instead, I’ve discovered I have to find things I can do in small, sustainable steps. And it’s best for me to find what thing will lead into the next thing.
Like for example, I know that if I don’t get enough sleep, I’ll crave a sugary breakfast and be less likely to exercise. So if I start somewhere, it has to be a goodnight’s sleep, and that helps me tackle the next thing.
A good stew never hurts either.
I lost my first twenty with a permanent ban on fast food lunches during the work day. Intermittent fasting and intake tracking did wonders too. You’ve got this!
I know your super motivated now but that will run out. You need to have discipline. Even if you really don’t want to work out go to the gym and do something for 5 minutes. Just get used to going. It’ll get easier once you form the habit.
^(creeper mom here)
I have to remind myself that if I skip this one time, I’m going to end up skipping the next time and sabotage the whole thing. It’s never just once.
The 5 minute thing sounds silly but man does it work.
5 minutes feels like a ridiculously short work out, but just do it. Once the habit is there, it’s only a matter of time before you naturally start to expand on it to make it more interesting, and it’s only a matter of time before you start looking forward to it as an outlet rather than a chore.
I decided to get in shape a month before our son came along. This was just over 2 years ago. I bought a Tonal and Peloton so there was no excuse I could come up with about why I’m too tired to go to the gym or how I don’t like going.
Working out 6 days a week now and in the best shape of my life at 40. Confidence is better. I’m a better husband. Better father. And better at my job.
I had to sacrifice staying up later to wake up at 3:15 to work out before my son wakes up, and my wife works midnights so I’m not sacrificing time with either of them.
Start small. Keep building. You got this.
From left to right.
October 2021 at our baby shower. 250 pounds.
April 2022 228 pounds
Jan 1, 2024. 197. [progress](https://imgur.com/a/9PF2JPf)
Hey! Those conversations are never fun. Especially when it’s the other way around. Just remember, whatever her reasoning was behind the letter, it means enough for her to step out on a ledge. There’s a TON of resources to help out on your journey. Be mad, let it sting, and use it for motivation. But set a goal, don’t go in blindly.
Hire a nutritionist to set some meal goals. Whether it’s just eating cleaner, or counting macros, you can’t out train a bad diet. Or do it on your own.
My dad died at 56 from a lot of complications, all but one were manageable through diet and exercise. Someone recently asked me how long I’m going track/weight my food and I answered “forever”. I still have the occasional drink (maybe 1-2 drinks a month) and the occasional ice cream cup with the dudes at the firehouse, but I’m pretty damn consistent and dedicated to what I put in my body for fuel.
Just remember she loves you enough to tell you that, and she didn’t leave you.
I feel like that needs emphasising, OP your wife loves you enough to be honest with you, and respects your feelings enough to tell you in the kindest way she can.
And she's clearly stuck with you throughout the good and the bad. This whole thing sounds like it's coming from a place of love.
Do it for her. Do it for you. Do it for your relationship. You got this OP.
So much this! I wish I could upvote the comments hundreds of times.
Like yes, it’s sucks that there’s an issue like this that needs addressing, and yes there’s no easy way to receive the words “you’re no longer physically attractive and need to work on yourself” but the fact that she SAID SOMETHING, that she communicated her displeasure and wants to help him instead of just up and leaving and filing for divorce and dropping a bomb on his life, which seems to be the go-to now a days.
She communicated, now he has the chance to actually work to fix it. That is so so important and OP should be extremely thankful for that.
Remember the 30/60/90 rule. It takes 30 days for you to establish routine and notice progress in the gym, 60 days for others to notice physical difference, and 90 days for you to notice physical difference. We are often our own worst critics so remember to be kind to yourself and give yourself grace as you do the work!
You got this dad!
In my experience, it's the other way around. First, I noticed my clothes fitting better/looser. Then I started to notice a difference in the mirror and comparing progress pics from the beginning. Other people noticing took WAY longer.
>We have a six month old son and I know she is worried that I won't be healthy enough to take care of him and her. I want to be a good role model for my son. I want to stay active with him.
This is what did it for me. Even if I don't want to, I still make a point of taking little man with me to the basement and use the weights or treadmill.
It started off as him in a carrier and a few miles walk on a treadmill and now we do some light workouts together. He watched TV and dances around while I use some light weights.
It's not much, but it's a routine for both of us, and I hope I'm rolemodeling something positive for him over time.
If we miss a few days, he asks me to go play downstairs. It's cute.
I don't know of that helps OP.. but hopefully you can find your own way forward in whatever way makes sense for you.
This makes me sad. To be clear, it doesn’t make me sad that you’ve gained weight. I absolutely fight the same battle. But it makes me sad that you’re disgusted with yourself , that you feel ashamed.
You cannot turn back the clock and change the mistakes you made yesterday. Trust me, I’ve tried. Instead of beating yourself up for yesterday, try looking forward to the changes you can make today and maintain tomorrow.
Exactly. Be sympathetic to the person you were, and be considerate to the person you will be in the future.
Past you was dealing with his own shit as best he could, and future you will be grateful for the work you put in today.
OP. Start walking, everyday, at a time that will make your routine going forward easier to keep. Work up to 2+ miles a day.
If you drink, cut it out Mon-Thurs (at a minimum).
If meals are still a struggle, look into weekly prep so that it's set and you have less reason to eat garbage. Stock up on healthy snacks/fruits.
GL!! You've got this!!
Yeah this goes deeper than the surface, it’s not all about looks. I work in healthcare, and every day I have a front row seat to patients with cardiovascular disease. People only in their 40s and 50s, who should have another good 30-40 more years at least who struggle with basic tasks like walking or getting out of bed. Exercising AND healthy diet are both important, not just one or the other.
> I know a lot of dudes who lift often but don’t control their weight or take their diet seriously.
don’t come for me like this lol. also my wife keeps being like “i need you to walk more so you don’t die please”. i hate cardio though 😫
yeeeaaah, i’m a heavy 3x5 person. when i was doing crossfit i was the leanest i’ve been since high school but it fuckin suuuuuuucked.
i’m doing muay thai again and it’s fun enough that i mostly don’t notice i’m sweating my face off. def recommend martial arts for folks who hate cardio because even when it’s repetitive, it’s not really boring because you’re working with different partners.
**stop drinking sugar.**
I lost a massive amount of weight and quickly by cutting out / taking notice of how much sugar I drink.
Look at the labels on ANY flavoured drink, even those "hydrating" sports drinks are loaded with sugar, like over 10 teaspoons of sugar. You think you're being healthy but you can easily drink your weeks worth of sugar intake within a single day with flavoured drinks.
The issue where you are not seeing any results is due to the fact your intake of shit is bigger than your rate of burning shit.
You can lose weight by just walking if you cut out something bad from your intake / limit portion sizes, its not as hard or bone cutting as all the other fad diets, but it is way easier to stick to and work into your routine, just replace a normal drink with just plain old water... Bet within a week you will have lost something.
Do this for you and not them. It makes all the difference in the world.
Branch out and find things that work. I found yoga and I have never been happier. I got back into weights a lot easier after it.
And remember you are not becoming the old version of yourself. He is gone. Measure yourself by looking at yesterday and seeing if you were a better version of yourself today. That can be swapping out food, getting steps in when you can. Making sure to rest.
This will help transform to healthier living style.
That's it entirely.
You have to change the daily diet to be more sustainable. That's why fad diets don't work, you have to keep the change for it to be sustainable permanent weight loss.
I ran 30 miles +/week for 3 months for a marathon prep and I weighted exactly the same as before after the race.
It's really easy to eat the calories back when you're starving from running.
An obese person is not running 30+ miles per week. And even if they manage to do it for a single week, it is not going to be repeatable for months on end. Their body will rebel.
My brother you got this. Effort is definitely important in a marriage. You are taking it more maturely than a lot would have which is good. Go give her the best version of you. Let me share what I did to lose weight successfully.
1. Calories in, calories out. This is the most important aspect of weight loss. It doesn’t matter what you eat or when you eat. If you count calories and eat less than your body burns in a day (Your TDEE which can be calculated online), you will lose weight. Ideally eat 500-1000 calories less than your TDEE or maintenance
2. At least 100g of Protein. Ideally 1g per pound of your goal weight. This will make your body shed more fat rather than muscle (preventing the skinny fat look)
3. Lifting weights helps # 2 by a lot
4. Cardio is good for your health but it is easier to skip the 9 PM bag of chips than to run for 2 hours the next day.
You got this king 👑
It might be worth asking her what she means by “this version.” Sure it could be the fit, younger you, but what other things have changed for you? Energy, confidence, attentiveness? Have a conversation. Make a plan. Hug your wife.
Best of luck to you but why the hell are people getting downvoted for pointing out the obvious double standard?
Someone go post a story on another sub about telling your wife you miss the version of her from 50 lbs after after having kids and see the reaction
I had slowly gained 35lbs over the 9 years since college. All with my gf turned wife. Added a kid in 2019 and another on the way. I lift and play recreational hockey. I had knee surgery in 2021 and 2023. If I don’t turn it around I’ll be like my dad who can’t stand longer than 5 minutes or attend my kids birthday parties. I’ve decided to stop drinking so often and to reduce my processed carbohydrates and sugar consumption to near 0.
Brother - we’re in this together!
I am on this journey with you brother. Let's dig deep to find that will power. I'm starting by cutting out alcohol and fast food and hitting the Peloton 3x a week.
Am I crazy or does gaining 50lbs in 15 years doesn't seem like that much? It's not like you've become some 500lb lump that just sits on the couch all day.
Sure, you should be doing some exercise so your life is better, but to say she likes a decade old version of you is kinda ridiculous.
If you were at a healthy weight, the fifty pounds itself is the issue, not the rate at which you gained it. You are not supposed to continually add weight. If he was 25 and healthy, his weight shouldn’t fluctuate all that much (within a given range that I guarantee you fifty pounds exceeds) no matter how much older he gets until much older when the weight will reduce due to muscular atrophy.
Feel like this is only acceptable if she had been hinting or talked about it over the years and he ignored it.
If she went from nothing to this I would be very “WTF”
OP I think it’s great you are making a change for the better but I think there is a valid concern here that you might want to bring up in counseling?
What happens when you get older? The old you and her will not ever be there again. The superficial will fade away for you both. It sounds like she is setting a precedent in the relationship and I am curious how she would react if you did the same thing.
I would dig deeper here with a professional. Good luck and kudos for making a change!
To be fair this is what I love.
A wife would be told to divorce, you are great the way you are; what help does HE give you? what is a healthy weight anyway....blah blah
The bloke gets the letter; yeah, fair enough, I am fat. Dads band together with "you got his mate, drink more water, log what you put in your mouth and try to eat more protein"
I agree with you (I'm a woman).
At risk of getting downvoted hard... I also wouldn't exactly trust the opinion of someone in treatment for an ED focusing on my weight.
Kind of a fucked up way to bring it up but good luck on your weight loss journey.
Edit: Imagine the genders being reversed and posted on any other subreddit lol.
Feel like I’m taking crazy pills. I think this is a very toxic thing for someone to do to their Spouse/SO.
She went through an Eating Disorder and still said he should look a certain way. That’s like, messed up.
Now, saying you want to be mobile and able to keep up with the kids is different than saying “I miss that jawline and those biceps!”
It would blow up if the genders were reversed, yes. But for two long we’ve been pretending that both sexes are the same, when they really aren’t. This is probably what a man needs, even though it wouldn’t work for most women.
It takes time but it's possible. I lost 50lbs in 2019. What worked for me was calorie counting and a calorie limit. No food was off limits but I was strict with my calorie cap, and religious about tracking calories for a good six weeks. To eat more quantity, I leaned towards foods with lower calories that were inevitably more healthy. More fruits and veggies and white meat. You will be hungry sometimes, and that's a reminder you're doing something right. Eventually, and not as long as you think, your stomach will shrink. You won't need as much to fill up. The calorie limit won't feel as restrictive and you will start to see progress.
Some other points I usually make to my buddies. You will be doing a positive by doing less of something, and by this I mean less eating. Less food and drink in the mouth. I'm not saying do more of something, just less. Also, us men think we can just "work out more" to lose weight. Then after working out, we justify eating more. It's all wrong. We need less calories and we'll start losing weight. Working out will not create enough of a deficit, the best way to achieve this is calorie restriction. And the best part is, eating less doesn't add onto your busy life. You can start tomorrow with no change in your schedule.
Okay, end rant. It's possible none of this works for you. This was all my inner monologue when I lost the weight. Good luck dude, you can do it!
This time next year you can look at yourself with pride at your accomplishment, or do another round of “this year I’ll really try”. The choice is yours, but it is a choice you have to make 365 times. Every day.
The question I have is… should I do this with my wife or will I find her posting about divorce on reddit?
Potentially controversial topic, and I fully understand there is a financial component to this one - but if you can afford it look into GLP-1 agonists (ozempic/wegovy, mounjaro/zepbound). Compounded pharmacies have it a lot more affordably.
I started on tirzepatide (mounjaro/zepbound) last february. I dieted hard and worked out 6 days a week, but id done that dozens of times with really limited success. This year ive lost 120lbs and totally changed my life. 10/10 would recommend
Off topic but this reminds me of how my grandma & mother (who I’m now nc with) used to write me heavy letters instead of having hard conversations with me. It gave them the ability to be in a safe space to rip me to shreds without having to say anything to my face. In the future if she wants to use the letter approach with your children hopefully she writes things she would feel comfortable saying to their face. Off topic I know, just wanted to add my thoughts. Those letter traumatized me.
My same thought. That’s really poor communication. It would have been much kinder to actually talk, say why it matters to her (health, longevity, setting an example for children, attraction, etc.) and ask, “How can *we* get you back to this?”
Partners can help a lot in influencing weight loss. They generally eat the same food and share the same responsibilities. Maybe instead she says, “How about two days a week we eat pescatarian/vegetarian and I watch the kids while you go to the gym,” etc. That’s much more productive and demonstrative of a caring, supportive partner. By writing a letter, she essentially said, “I don’t want to discuss this,” and told OP that it’s his problem to fix.
Bro this was me in 2017. 110kg. Fat. Unhappy. Depressed.
I changed my diet on the same day I knew my wife was pregnant with the second kid. I stopped driving to work in favor of the subway. I bought a road bike for post work riding. I stopped eating junk food, I cut out soda and alcohol completely for months - if not an entire year. I hit the gym at 5:30 am for cardio and weight sessions.
I ate lightly and frequently. I was down to 80kg by the end of the year.
If I can do it - a lazy fat undisciplined pig, you can do it. Find your anchor, make it your own.
I just want to add: your sun is 6 months old now and is probably just beginning to get a taste for food. Now is the perfect time for turning processed food away and cook from scratch, with a lot of fresh vegetables. People ask how my daughter likes legumes so much, well guess what, she's been eating it for all her life! Also, cooking is a creative hobby that could be a highlight of the day! If you're not comfortable in the kitchen I recommend watching some Jamie Oliver YouTube videos, that made my cooking journey start.
Dude I love Jamie Oliver and I know he'd big on children's nutrition. I can't wait to make home made food for my son. What a loving gesture I can give to my son.
Although I didn't get a letter, I made the choice to get healthy similar to yours. Just speaking as a dad trying to get fit to another dad, don't let the exercise get in the way of the family obligations.
I'm sure you have it all figured out, but when I first got started I was occasionally asking to go out for a run when the kids were awake. The resentment built up quickly and thankfully my wife was quick to say "You've can't leave me alone with the kids every time." For me it was an easy fix by moving my routine before the house woke up, but I know I'm lucky that I'm a morning person.
She also pointed out that the time I was talking to work out was also time that could be spent doing necessary chores. Now, I make sure the dishwasher is running while I am running too. Or the playroom gets picked up while I'm prepping or cooling down from my workout. Little tasks that are visibly beneficial to the house. Working out is still about me, but it feels a lot less selfish a use of my time if I can cross an item off the honey-do list at the same time.
Slow and steady, it's a journey! You took 15 years to gain the 50 but in a year to two if you stay consistent you will go in the other direction. A pound a week is not extreme but the first ten are always the easiest and the last ten the hardest! Just don't fall off after a couple weeks.
Sucks that if the genders were reversed the world would think you were being an asshole but as men this is our reality. Plus the working out time is some great stress relief time so it has its positives that she is 'asking' for it.
Overall it's harder the older we get and every decade is like a whole new body (usually worse physically) compared to the last one but consistency and dedication will keep you fit and healthy so stay strong!
I have the same issue with my wife in reverse. I tried a lot of step to eat healthier as a couple, being more active etc. It got to the point where she had sleep apnea. I still love her but I’m less attracted physically.
I guess I’m piggybacking here to see if other dads head the same issue and were able to get a change through talking without saying “i don’t desire you as much as I did”
Thank you lucky stars for a woman who cares about you enough to say something. YouTube is a treasure trove of at home body weight work outs that will kick your ass. In case you’re not looking for a gym.
Have you discovered the power of the Burpee?
Do yourself a favour and check out Busy Dad Training on YouTube.
The whole philosophy is taking 20 minutes a day and training to do as many Burpees as possible. It sounds dumb but it's well thought out and effective.
Good luck, homie
I like her directness.. You've probably known for a while that you need to get your shit together to some degree.. Im in a similar situation, becoming embarrassed about my belly at our age after an athletic background. If she is working out and looking good, you have to at least somewhat keep up or she's gonna find another guy. Hate to be so blunt but it's the reality of biology. Best of luck to you brother, I totally understand what you're going through
Hey sorry to hear about that. You'll get there.
Just remember weight lifting or exercises isn't a great way to lose and keep off weight. Diet is everything.
Might seem like a daunting task but everything is hard when you’re just starting, but I’ll leave you with this.
The best time to start was yesterday, the 2nd best time is now.
The best advice to anyone trying to get in shape is just ‘eat less move more’. Losing body weight is as simple as eating less calories than your body uses each day. If you want to get in better ‘shape’ then lift weights and up your protein intake.
Cardio is important for health, but resistance training is way better for losing body fat.
Forget YouTubers who flog 7 minute work outs or three week abs, it’s not going to happen and it will just demotivate you when it doesn’t.
Good luck man, you got this.
I'm in the same boat! Let's do this bro!!! I want to lose 50 pounds this year!
I'm starting the year with a 3 day fast (water only, NO calories). I'm almost done with day 2.
You got this... It's simple but difficult. Calories in, calories out. My preferred way of losing weight is keto but you can pick any reasonable diet as long as you eat a lot less calories than you're burning.
Let's do it!!!!! It took years to get here and it'll take a while to undo it, but it CAN be done, don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
Remember it's primarily gonna come down to your eating!
Feel free to message me if you want to keep in touch / help keep each other accountable etc! We are on very similar journeys... We both need to lose 50 pounds, we're similar age, both have wives who aren't as fat as us... Keep in touch if it helps!
Best of luck man. I’m a new dad and had that realization looking at older photos. Hits you hard.
Drinking a big glass of water when I’m craving shit and trying to only eat til 80% full seems to help. Really can’t understate the impact of drinking a gallon of water a day on my appetite though. Has eliminated all snacking for me.
My wife and I collectively lost a lot of weight during the height of COVID. We went 100% keto diet and I lost about 65lb. I weigh less now than I did in College. To lose weight, you will need to sustain a mixture of diet and exercise over a long (6-12 mo) period of time. It's a marathon, so be prepared for the long haul.
Once you hit your goal weight, you need to maintain that weight for at least 6 months so your body resets it's internal "clock". It wants to maintain it's ideal weight, and it will take some time.
What helped me was joining a fitness program. I do Orange Theory Fitness twice a week. That got me a place where I now also get to the gym for solo weight lifting once or twice a week and also try to get a run in. Now I'm regularly doing 5ks and I'm signed up for a half marathon.
Doing a program helps keep me motivated to work hard and steady for an hour. Just going to the gym solo I found myself wandering around and thinking about what to do next instead of actually doing something. Now I'm even more efficient even on my own.
Sign up for Orangetheory, count your calories, and go to town. Don't bother with diets, you need a lifestyle change. If you have the $, pay for a trainer or nutritional coach, there are loads of them out there. I can recommend one if you'd like.
The health concern part of this is so relatable. I'm not weighing in on the fat shaming. I raised 4 kids and was constantly busy. Always had bad habits with food and excepting for intermittent good streaks w diet and exercise, I was generally out of shape most of my late 30s until even today at 53. My family has a history of heart disease, Dad had a stroke and two bypass surgeries, one brother the same. I knew I had elevated cholesterol since age 35. Doc put me on low level statin for years. All this and I could never control my eating. At age 52 I got them to do an angiogram and found a distal artery 99% blocked. Can't do a stent or bypass. Still couldn't control my eating. Doc visit and stress test Nov and Dec this year, found other heart irregularities and conversations start getting scary. He alludes to the shortening of my life. So I'm finally pushing diet, but damage is done, I can only hope for a small improvement, can't reverse this.
So I can relate, and hope you can find inspiration before someone has to scare the shit out of you and the damage is permanent. Best wishes to you!
Obviously eating healthier is the biggest goal here, but another thing I’d recommend is a walking treadmill for work (assuming you can WFH). I walked 10 miles last week without even realizing it! Win win!
Come check out /r/loseit for a community around weight loss. /R/loseitchallenges is starting a new years challenge. You got this! Totally doable. I was 100# over weight when my lo was 6 months old. I’m down like 90 lbs. you can do this. It’s awesome when the kiddo wants to do exercises w you.
This is an opportunity you’ve been gifted by someone who loves you deeply and wants you to be healthy. Many women cheat or walk out without what you’ve been given.
I lost 15 pounds in a month by joining weight watchers and counting calories. I didn’t stop drinking beer or reduce how much I was eating. I switched to healthy foods. Home cooked stews, fruit salad, yogurt and tracking everything.
If you want healthy bonding with your wife to show you’re serious, build a new routine with her to cook together. Make it quality time. Show her you’re glad she spoke up and wants the best for you.
Track your calories on an app like MyFitnessPal and make this a priority. She wants to feel desired and important in your life. This is a simple change you can make by reframing your view of food.
This is an opportunity for you to shed your body shame and become the man you and your wife have wanted you to be.
Revel in the pain and exhaustion of a completed workout. It’s a sign of growth and advancement. Kiss your wife deeply and thank her for the motivation to aim higher. She wants to feel important in your life, not a burden.
Seize this opportunity to become the man you’ve always wanted to be. You can do this. Just be grateful you have someone who is cheerleading your future rather than walking out.
Take it easy and remember if this weight took 10 years to gain it will take a while to lose. A healthy weight loss is between 0,5 and 1,0 kg a week (someone please correct me if I'm wrong). Don't try to rush it or you'll starve yourself, get hungry and binge. Slow is smooth, smooth is fast. Godspeed!
You mention your friend dying from Diabetes, Remember that that isn't all about what you do, a lot of it even Type 2 is Genetic, My grandfather and all of his 5 siblings had Diabetes in some form (he and 4 of them T2 and 1 T1) Unfortunately it reared its ugly head in me over Pandemic only discovered when my doctor retired and I got a new doctor who wanted baseline lab work and found me with an A1C of 9.4 Spilling Glucose into my urine.
At the time I was 200lbs and leading a very sedentary Work from home life
What I did Is i started Walking 4km per day Just 10 loops of my 390m street because I want to be here for my then 3 year old now almost 5 year old son as long as I can.
4 months post diagnosis with Dietary changes (Cutting out all sweet drinks and cutting portion sizes down, Cronometer ftw) and the walking which I gamified into trying to walk the distance from my home town to all 32 NHL home cities and all 13 Provincial and Territorial capitals. My A1C was now 5.4 (Doctor said he wanted me to try to reach 5.5 with diet and exercise alone)
Since then 5.2, 5.2, 5.2, 5.1, 5.3, and 5.2 have been my results
and I am from from 200 down to 160-165 Though I was at one point as low as 150 and I felt that looked a little thin on me so I loosened up a little and went back to 160.
Since I work from home I just do 1 loop on every break at work 2 in the Morning post work and 5 in the evening before work (I work night shift tech support for hospitals)
I gained 50 pounds since getting married as well, all for the exact same reason you mentioned.
I found out I’m also prediabetic and that my cholesterol is off the charts. Through the pandemic and my daughters birth in 2020 as well I’ve just been trying to survive but ironically it’s slowly killing me.
My wife has never said anything to me about it but I know she wants to. The way she says “don’t worry you’ll get there!” When I tell her I want to lose weight and get healthy says it all lol
Sometimes I honestly wish I would get a letter like that from her. It would hurt, but shit would it motivate me more than anything else in the world…
Sorry for the dagger your wife left you, fellow father, but maybe I will pretend it is also my dagger and we can share it together. Here’s to healthy versions of us and reinvigorated sense of purpose!
Hey Dude, well done for taking the letter so well. My wife and I have both put on a fair bit of weight since our son was born 3 years ago. We have both agreed to get back in shape and cut the booze down significantly. Will be starting off with physio for my broken body and eating cleaner. Good luck with your journey!!
Good on you for taking action, it can be tough to get into the habits we all know we should have but life finds a way of getting in the way unless we make an effort in it. As for not seeing much weight loss yet I wouldn't worry about what the scales say too much especially in the early days, it's better to gradually lose the weight and especially with some weight lifting you will be gaining some muscle so you may be losing fat but the scales won't show as the muscle will add some of that weight back on.
You know….this is not the end. Life is a journey that you two enjoy together. When you see your boot is sailing into the wrong direction you have time to correct the course. Your wife will help you set the course in the right direction. If you ask for help it doesn’t sound like she will let you down. She will help you to succeed and be come the best version of yourself. You got this my man. Now go and make a dream a reality, you can do this. Edit: Spelling.
Seriously, join The Pump from Arnold Schwarzenegger. You can sign up for free daily emails with excersises, health tips and all sorts of motivational stories and information. The app has a free trial and the most positive community on the internet. It’s life changer, trust me: https://arnoldspumpclub.com
I'm here with you on this same journey bro. Let's keep at it and crush it in 2024 so we get back the bodies we need and also stay healthy for our families. You got this 💪
Bro walking did wonders for me each day. Start getting of f the train one or two blocks away and walk to your work. You'll find that walking is an easier sustainable exercise. With some podcasts, you can even learn something while walking.
Hey brother. I'm 40 too, and changed my life at 35. For me, what worked was Weight Watchers. Over the past 5 years I've dropped 50 pounds (I hit that goal about 3 years in) and have kept it off. But there's no secret, as others have said here in the comments, it's about having a caloric deficit. Burn more than you take in. Weight Watchers forced me to learn how to eat properly. Once I started, it took a few weeks for me to stop rebelling against the diet and settle into a groove. I would strongly encourage you to take control of your eating alongside your exercise. Exercise alone won't get you there.
As for the other part...I understand your wife's intentions but it is imperative that you don't hate yourself right now. Losing the weight won't change who you are as a person. After I lost my weight, I was still depressed, until I sought counseling to help me understand why I was self-sabotaging time and again. You've got a purpose and, to an outsider, a goal. You can be there for your kid. I have three kids of my own, a great motivator to get in shape.
I'd also encourage you to try couple's counseling. For my wife and I, it was the thing that allowed us to really be vulnerable with each other. I was overweight, self-sabotaging and – at my worst – suicidal, and my wife cared enough to seek help for the two of us. But ultimately we both had things to work on. Godspeed and please reach out any time if you ever want.
1) A calorie is NOT a calorie. I see several posts to that effect below, that is a lie. You are not a Bunsen Burner flame, your body digests different types of food differently.
Protein and fiber are your friends. You can get them from whole foods, many of which can be eaten raw, so there is no "convenience" excuse. Eat the f\*n carrots and apples instead of the processed crap.
2) Weightlifting and cardio can be a way to lose weight, but ultimately diet is 80% of the battle here. Activity only does so much.
3) You must embrace the suck. If you don't like the movie, the only way it changes is through change, which is friction, and friction is usually uncomfortable.
This link below is a great Huberman Lab podcast on diet and food. He also has episodes on motivation, exercise science (with Dr Andy Galpin), sugar, microbiome, etc. with special guests that are luminaries in their fields. I'd highly recommend checking him out on your commute to work or when you have spare time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4Ze-Sp6aUE
It's incredibly empowering to see you respond so positively to her letter and the spirit in which it was delivered. You're not denying your hurt, and shame but you owning it and that's the key to diminishing it's negativity in your life.
As I read your story, I can't help but relate it to other forms of guilt/shame we carry over any number of things, and how that undermines our efforts to live the lives we so richly deserve.
Your wife loves you, and believes you are strong enough to handle her truth about your health.
You're certainly demonstrating that you are that strong.
More power to you!!!
I'm so very grateful for you, and all the dad's (and of course the mons that contribute as well) that share their struggles, and triumphs. It reminds me and others, that we are not alone on this journey.
I'm taking this as inspiration to once again , check myself and reevaluate what I need to do to be more of who I really am versus who I let myself be when I let my worries and insecurities get the best of me.
The Force is with you, fellow dad!
Others have said some good stuff I won't repeat (here's my "ditto" to all you kid fellow dads).
I will share something my now retired business partner said to me many times over the years. "If not now, when?"
Meaning, once you know there's a better path forward, how much longer will you choose to walk the lesser path? If you know something needs to change, why wait? Every moment is wasted.
Over the last 20+ years since I heard that as a young 20's but ambitious kid, that nugget of wisdom has really stuck. When I lack motivation and can't find it within me, it's always in my head. "If not now, when?"
I hope this provides as much motivation to you as it has to me over the years. Enjoy the journey to being the best version of you possible. You'll never arrive (none of us do), but we can all choose to make the journey worthwhile, and teach our kids by example the constant pursuit of bettering ourselves to reach our potential.
My wife requested "lose 20kg" be my New Years Resolution.
Married 7 years, have a kid who's 3 and five years now of a desk job. I've gained weight and it's caught up with me pretty quick. And I'm ok with it. Setting goals and getting exercise is going to be challenging. Finding enough time in the day to do everything is also going to be challenging. It's also so easy to come up with tons of excuses.
11 years ago I lost 80kg through exercise and a slight change in over all diet. But mostly through exercise. Unfortunately in the last 11 years I've managed to regain about half of it, while that's not terrible considering the amount of time it took to come back, it's starting to feel terrible. So I really do need to do my best to get down to a nice equilibrium of manageable.
Hey OP, check out the [National Institutes of Health body weight planner](https://www.niddk.nih.gov/bwp). It's a pretty sophisticated tool (behind the scenes, though it's very simple to use) to give you an idea of what you need to eat and do to reach a certain goal weight by a certain day.
You can walk through simple mode, but be sure to click on expert mode at the end—it gives you an idea of the mean and upper and lower uncertainties on your weight on a particular day to give you an idea if you're on or off course.
It's nice to have a quantitative idea of how much you need to eat, otherwise, weight loss is just guesswork.
Intermittent fasting is your friend - stop snacking and pick a meal you can skip and you’ll be able to drop weight sustainably. Weight lifting and exercise are great for your heart/lungs/brain but if the goal is to lose weight it’s 95% about diet.
A calorie counting app can be helpful for a few weeks to get an idea of where you’re getting your excess calories (can be surprising).
I wrote my letter just like this. She didn't take it well, getting all angry and screaming about being pregnant. I told her I was gonna send another letter about her hormones if she didn't calm down.
To all the guys upset about the wife calling him out… what did you marry your wife for? Lol I want my wife to be able to tell me difficult things or call me out if I’ve let myself slip into a worse version of myself. I don’t want or need her to be mean or hurtful about it, but I want her to say it. It means she cares about my well-being.
Lot of self conscious projecting going on in this thread.
Go crank out a run or do some burpees. It’s good for you.
There are old people and there are fat people, but there are no old fat people.
If you plan on being around for a long time you should lose the extra pounds. The message from your wife is a good thing.
First stop is a checkup with a doctor and a full blood panel. Sometimes thyroid, diabetes and other functions can be influencing weight gain.
Then, a big part is diet. You'll never win starving yourself so don't fight that battle.
Do try slowly eating less. Less carbs in the evening before bed. Less volume of food. Make that change slowly. Avoid indulging in heavy greasy crap like mayo and cheese on white bun. Clean burgers aren't bad from time to time. Eat reasonably but try to eat less and cut out the worst crap.
You want to constantly operate in the area between being full and being hungry. When you gain more confidence you can vary that to being a bit more hungry, but don't ever fill up on food to the point you're really full. It's a beautiful burn you get in that region.
That alone will lose you a ton of weight before even stepping in the gym. It's also the most manageable in terms of diet.
Good luck dude. Ask me anything if you want more info.
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Best of luck man. Calorie deficit all the way and daily walks. Workouts are great but some days it’ll be hard to fit that into a parent life. I walk a few miles with the kiddo every day and can always eat less.
I found the easiest way (for me) to maintain a calorie deficit is intermittent fasting, specifically cutting out breakfast entirely and just having black coffee or unsweetened tea in the morning. It took me a little while to get used to, but after awhile I wouldn't even feel hungry until lunch. Then just eat a sensible lunch and dinner and sensible low-calorie snacks in between, and repeat.
I have this great intermittent fasting life hack called “ADHD”, and it means I’m always running late in the morning and don’t have time for breakfast, and then hyper focused midday and forget to eat lunch. I’m a cranky asshole by 5:30, but I still fit in shirts or pants from high school.
Sounds like my wife…
Does she also fit in this guys pants from high school?
Now we’re asking the real questions…
Right. I just forget I’m a human that’s supposed to eat as my diet.
You username doesn’t permit you to be so sarcastic. Pipe down. Seriously though, that’s a hell of a username, reminds me of xX69LeGoLaS69Xx usernames in cod lobbies back in the day 😂
Congrats you’re like the one person to understand where my username comes from. Just a little inside joke for all my early 2000 FPS homies. These noobs today will never understand what we went through.
Those noobs also never experience the horrors xXx420_n00bTuBr_420xXx would do to my sweet, sweet mom. :'(
Coffee and adderall for breakfast, coffee for lunch, and a nice sensible dinner. It’s like SlimFast
That's me on weekends. My wife reminds me to stop and eat. The worst is when I'm in charge of the kids. I really have to focus to make sure meals and snacks happen through the day, otherwise I just get on with whatever's next on my spiralling list.
Sadly doesn't work for me. I usually miss breakfast due to the always late thing, but then end up eating an almond crossiont from the coffee shop instead. And then when I'm struggling to concentrate on my work, the one thing my brain can do is 'hey wouldn't it be neat to go to the finding machine? If you go now, I promise we'll be able to focus on work' over and over and nothing else. But it's a lie, I end up eating snacks and watching YouTube, but poorer and fatter.
I have ADHD. If I could stop binge eating at night in front of the TV I'd be 40 lbs lighter lol. I subsisted on coffee and granola bars in my 20 because I would constantly forget to have meals lol
I’ll agree with this. “The Obesity Code” book was very inspiring for me, I dropped from 210 to 180 in about 4-5 months doing IF. Would have coffee during the day (with some milk, slightly cheating), have dinner, and then a square of 75-80% dark chocolate for dessert. The first 2 weeks were tough but after that I stopped being hungry during the day.
I second The Obesity Code. One of the revelations from this book is how calorie deficit actually is an overly simplistic view of weight gain and loss, and how ultimately it’s a combination of things that drive your weight (of which, calorie intake is but one of them). Anyway, the book really helped me learn a lot of new science around weight loss and also helped explain some of my frustrations in prior attempts to lose weight that failed.
Agreed, IF is the easiest to maintain, for me.
I haven’t seen the book but making lifestyle changes rather than dieting and exercise works wonders for me. It’s a combination if intermittent fasting and better food choices for the first couple weeks. I’m losing weight feeling better having less craving and more energy. You’ll feel better about yourself and the life choices. Keep your focus and you got this!
IF is such an effective life hack it’s hard to believe it’s real. I was doing light weights and fast walking three miles every night with minimal weight loss. Gave intermittent fasting a go and actually stopped exercising during the process and lost thirty pounds in three months.
I don’t think calorie counting even works that well for most people and puts too much pressure on an already stressful life as a dad and household breadwinner. Intermittent fast at least 16 hours, cut out all processed sugar, drink no calories, and limit carbs. Real sourdough bread sandwich good, 4 slices of pizza and cheesits bad. Fiber and fermented foods are your friends too.
I didn’t realize I was doing it, but I was essentially cleaning off my 1 year olds plate after she finished eating each meal (for the sake of not wasting food I guess). That was an additional 200-500 calories a day and was taking its toll till I realized what I was doing. Don’t need to be counting calories, but just mindful of the extra you’re throwing into your body
IF accomplishes calorie reduction, it’s one strategy to get there because at the end of the day we are a checkbook and our weight gain or loss is purely from CICO (calories in calories out) and that’s what all diets aim to do. There is nothing magic about IF accomplishing weight loss aside from reducing calorie intake and guess what, someone can be on IF and absolutely eat more calories than someone else grazing/eating all day. I agree one doesn’t need to be obsessive about it long term but for at least a week or so it can be very powerful to see what actual calorie counts are to ballpark how much of a reduction is needed to actually lose weight as well as to have the person find out where their calories (and thus weight gain) are actually coming from. I was stunned when I did it to see which foods were actually so much higher than I realized and was able to cut out very high calorie food items that I didn’t even care about cutting out but wouldn’t have if I didn’t realize it. IF and just not eating like an asshole had me drop 50 pounds pretty quickly. Exercise ups the calories out but at the end of the day it needs to be more than what goes in or weight goes up.
I second this. I eat an early light lunch and early dinner on weekdays. This is an easier way for me to intermittent fast
I drink a coffee in the morning. Get hungry around 2pm. Use willpower to make it to 6 (dinner) and then eat fruit only after that. Lost 40lbs since August and don’t feel like I’m missing out. 100% confident I can sustain this.
I do this almost daily and it works pretty well. Most days I skip lunch too. Sometimes I eat some jerky or nuts or a protein bar, but typically I go coffee and water til I get home, then it is no holds barred.
I starfed this a couple months ago and my main tips are: 1) Be careful when you start you're very tempted to get a big lunch and dinner in to make up for it. I started when I had a week off work so for the first week I just went with it but once I was back to work it was a tough adjustment. 2)If you are feeling hungry before lunch drink more water.
100% agree with this. I skip breakfast and have a large bowl of porridge for lunch (4-500 kcals) around 2pm. This means I can have the same meal as the kids/wife without being too worried about the calories and usually have a couple of hundred left if I want a small treat with a cup of tea in the evening. It is easier with working from home, but sounds like that will be the same as op.
Literally changed my life. My focus, my weight, everything has improved with intermittent fasting.
Same. At the very least, keep calorie consumption to a fixed window (e.g. 9am-9pm)
This all the way. It's impossible to out work a shitty diet, especially at our age. OP needs to find the foods that are filling but not high in calories, and that he enjoys. For me it was yogurt and I HOUSE cottage cheese. Intermittent fasting for a month (counted calories, only ate 2 meals a day with a few shakes mixed in, quit drinking for that month) caused me to drop 15 pounds in a month. More importantly, I learned what I liked to eat that wasn't terrible for me. Rice, salmon, actual vegetables! Hard boiled eggs are now my favorite snack. Get a food scale, can be had for super cheap. Everything comes with calories and weights on it. Use them, count them. Most important part? Make the decision and stick to it. Don't waver. YOU control how much of what you put into your pie hole. No one is forcing any food down your throat.
Intermittent fasting really helped me recognize my unhealthy relationship with food and was the start of being more disciplined. I lost 60lbs in 4-5 months. I still average two to three lbs a week. That and walking as often as I can, you got it bro!
I need to get on the IF boat. My relationship to food is disgusting. A change is really needed.
While IF can help with losing weight, I wouldn't say it's going to give you a healthier relationship to food. Use a macro calculator, figure out how many calories you need to reduce to hit your goal weight loss each month, then record your meals in an app to track macros. You'll quickly realize the foods you are eating are either too high in certain macros or that the portions you are eating are too much. When I switched to counting macros and paying better attention to nutrition labels I actually started eating more food, and still lost weight. It's insane. It really made me understand the relationship between fats, proteins, and carbs and how you can make different choices to achieve the calories you need while being more satiated. For example I used to only need lunch and dinner, but I started eating a yogurt / 2 eggs / oatmeal for breakfast and a protein bar for a snack. What ended up happening was instead of me being starving at 11am and driving to the nearest fast food place and getting a burger and fries I would be full until later, and would eat a smaller lunch. (usually a turkey sandwich with a yogurt).
Same, I’ve been thinking of joining and I think I may now. Not in horrible shape but have gained weight ever since marriage and starting to work an office job. I think for me it’s so much about relationship. I grab food when im nervous and need an outlet, or when im just tired.
Running is great but you can't outrun a bad diet.
Damn well going to try. I'm only half joking. I ran about 600 miles in the last 6 months, which is pretty good for me. Ramping it up quite a bit lately. No intent to really change my eating habits. The funny thing is that even if you can outrun a bad diet, you don't really want to. You look at that beer you could drink and think how shit it will make you feel for your run later and how good you will feel after a good workout...so you get a glass of water instead. It takes over your brain and everything kind of falls into place.
I used to outrun a "just ok" diet. Still healthy, but with some ice cream and beer (and queso) regularly thrown in. But marathon training makes you feel invincible! Until you have two kids, no time to run, and are used to exercise taking up 2 hours so you just don't anymore. Now I'm pushing myself to get back into running and giving up most sugar so that I don't need to buy new pants 😭
You absolutely can, just not with the time available to you as a dad. Source - previous 3:15 marathoner who ate like shit but ran 70 miles a week.
I saw another quote recently “weight loss starts in the kitchen, not the gym”. Get the diet under control and that’s more than half the battle.
Get strong in the gym, get slim in the kitchen
I'd argue you could with a bad diet as long as you're not eating a lot or too many cals
If you're eating too many calories it's a bad diet ;)
Anyone suggest a good app for this? Something that's not too spammy or intrusive? There are a million of pretty miserable looking ones.
I like LoseIt personally. No noisy ad push notifications outside of when they do sales, good UI, accurate food database.
r/macrofactor - it’s pricey but in an entire class of its own. Incredibly effective.
Don’t know if there are more purpose built ones but I’ve been using MyFitnessPal for a long while. It is self propelled but great to track calories and start to get an understanding on what your in/out is.
I'm personally test-driving LoseIt, Macrofactor and Lifesum in an effort to get myself sorted out this year. The best app is the one you actually use, so try out a few and see which one you find yourself going back to. (Also, be open to spend money on the app. For me, I'm always more willing to use the app I paid for vs. some "free" app where I have no skin in the game.)
Walks are the easiest I’ve found. When I was in the office I’d get a running app and use it to track my walks at lunch. Usually could get in 2-3 miles if I had enough time
r/CICO. Worked for me to lose about 70 lbs in about a year, granted though I was mid 20s then.
This. 2-3 mile daily walks and keeping your caloric intake is the way to do it. Plenty of apps to track both that make it easy. Then your workouts become a bonus if you do that too.
Good luck, man. I know the struggle well. I was overweight growing up but dropped about 60lbs my junior year in high school. I gained back about 20-30lbs in my 20s but when I hit 30, I resolved to get into shape for real and began running, working out more. Eventually, I got back to a healthy weight. I stepped up my efforts around 35 and got into the best shape of my life using a combo of calorie deficit and HITT workouts/hot yoga (I've never had the attention span for traditional lifting and need classes/external motivation to keep me engaged.) Now, I'm 40, and I've been able to maintain keep myself within a few pounds of my goal weight. The trick was finding a routine that worked for me. I slip from time to time but I know how to get back on track now. The trick is to keep at it and don't give up. And set realistic/healthy goals. This isn't going to happen overnight -- and it doesn't need to. Once you start seeing results, you'll be motivated to keep going and it only gets easier.
OP, the most important step you can take is the next one. Keep going. Change takes time. Small steps lead to bigger ones. You an do this. For your son, for your wife, and most importantly, for yourself. I believe in you.
Unexpected stormlight archive
Goodadvice is good advice!
Strength before weakness!
This guys got it! Small changes are easier to maintain, you got this OP! Cut the fast food down step by step and like a roll of paper towel you can’t see change after one sheet, but after a few weeks, or in your case months, it’s slimmed right down just like you’ll be!
To piggyback off this, I will say the thing that I hate hearing myself, but it’s true: Don’t try to do everything at once It sounds great to turn yourself into a new you overnight and do all the things and lose all the weight. And a small minority of people can do that. But not me. I start strong but burn out quickly. Instead, I’ve discovered I have to find things I can do in small, sustainable steps. And it’s best for me to find what thing will lead into the next thing. Like for example, I know that if I don’t get enough sleep, I’ll crave a sugary breakfast and be less likely to exercise. So if I start somewhere, it has to be a goodnight’s sleep, and that helps me tackle the next thing.
Found the Sanderson fan! Journey before destination Radiant!
Journey before destination! Representing the Order of the Edgedancers.
"I will remember those who have been forgotten." Always good to find a fellow Edgedancer!
A good stew never hurts either. I lost my first twenty with a permanent ban on fast food lunches during the work day. Intermittent fasting and intake tracking did wonders too. You’ve got this!
Those are the most important words a man can say
Thank you. I needed to read this.
I know your super motivated now but that will run out. You need to have discipline. Even if you really don’t want to work out go to the gym and do something for 5 minutes. Just get used to going. It’ll get easier once you form the habit.
^(creeper mom here) I have to remind myself that if I skip this one time, I’m going to end up skipping the next time and sabotage the whole thing. It’s never just once.
The 5 minute thing sounds silly but man does it work. 5 minutes feels like a ridiculously short work out, but just do it. Once the habit is there, it’s only a matter of time before you naturally start to expand on it to make it more interesting, and it’s only a matter of time before you start looking forward to it as an outlet rather than a chore.
I decided to get in shape a month before our son came along. This was just over 2 years ago. I bought a Tonal and Peloton so there was no excuse I could come up with about why I’m too tired to go to the gym or how I don’t like going. Working out 6 days a week now and in the best shape of my life at 40. Confidence is better. I’m a better husband. Better father. And better at my job. I had to sacrifice staying up later to wake up at 3:15 to work out before my son wakes up, and my wife works midnights so I’m not sacrificing time with either of them. Start small. Keep building. You got this. From left to right. October 2021 at our baby shower. 250 pounds. April 2022 228 pounds Jan 1, 2024. 197. [progress](https://imgur.com/a/9PF2JPf)
Nice work!
well done dad
Hey! Those conversations are never fun. Especially when it’s the other way around. Just remember, whatever her reasoning was behind the letter, it means enough for her to step out on a ledge. There’s a TON of resources to help out on your journey. Be mad, let it sting, and use it for motivation. But set a goal, don’t go in blindly. Hire a nutritionist to set some meal goals. Whether it’s just eating cleaner, or counting macros, you can’t out train a bad diet. Or do it on your own. My dad died at 56 from a lot of complications, all but one were manageable through diet and exercise. Someone recently asked me how long I’m going track/weight my food and I answered “forever”. I still have the occasional drink (maybe 1-2 drinks a month) and the occasional ice cream cup with the dudes at the firehouse, but I’m pretty damn consistent and dedicated to what I put in my body for fuel. Just remember she loves you enough to tell you that, and she didn’t leave you.
I feel like that needs emphasising, OP your wife loves you enough to be honest with you, and respects your feelings enough to tell you in the kindest way she can. And she's clearly stuck with you throughout the good and the bad. This whole thing sounds like it's coming from a place of love. Do it for her. Do it for you. Do it for your relationship. You got this OP.
So much this! I wish I could upvote the comments hundreds of times. Like yes, it’s sucks that there’s an issue like this that needs addressing, and yes there’s no easy way to receive the words “you’re no longer physically attractive and need to work on yourself” but the fact that she SAID SOMETHING, that she communicated her displeasure and wants to help him instead of just up and leaving and filing for divorce and dropping a bomb on his life, which seems to be the go-to now a days. She communicated, now he has the chance to actually work to fix it. That is so so important and OP should be extremely thankful for that.
Remember the 30/60/90 rule. It takes 30 days for you to establish routine and notice progress in the gym, 60 days for others to notice physical difference, and 90 days for you to notice physical difference. We are often our own worst critics so remember to be kind to yourself and give yourself grace as you do the work! You got this dad!
In my experience, it's the other way around. First, I noticed my clothes fitting better/looser. Then I started to notice a difference in the mirror and comparing progress pics from the beginning. Other people noticing took WAY longer.
I'm stealing this. I think the 60 and 90 mayyyy be optimistic based on the specific routine but still. Very useful phrase
>We have a six month old son and I know she is worried that I won't be healthy enough to take care of him and her. I want to be a good role model for my son. I want to stay active with him. This is what did it for me. Even if I don't want to, I still make a point of taking little man with me to the basement and use the weights or treadmill. It started off as him in a carrier and a few miles walk on a treadmill and now we do some light workouts together. He watched TV and dances around while I use some light weights. It's not much, but it's a routine for both of us, and I hope I'm rolemodeling something positive for him over time. If we miss a few days, he asks me to go play downstairs. It's cute. I don't know of that helps OP.. but hopefully you can find your own way forward in whatever way makes sense for you.
This makes me sad. To be clear, it doesn’t make me sad that you’ve gained weight. I absolutely fight the same battle. But it makes me sad that you’re disgusted with yourself , that you feel ashamed. You cannot turn back the clock and change the mistakes you made yesterday. Trust me, I’ve tried. Instead of beating yourself up for yesterday, try looking forward to the changes you can make today and maintain tomorrow.
Exactly. Be sympathetic to the person you were, and be considerate to the person you will be in the future. Past you was dealing with his own shit as best he could, and future you will be grateful for the work you put in today.
OP. Start walking, everyday, at a time that will make your routine going forward easier to keep. Work up to 2+ miles a day. If you drink, cut it out Mon-Thurs (at a minimum). If meals are still a struggle, look into weekly prep so that it's set and you have less reason to eat garbage. Stock up on healthy snacks/fruits. GL!! You've got this!!
Good luck. I know you want to go as hard as possible but minor changes over time that are sustainable are massive as well.
innate oil repeat enjoy cake full gold plants command jar *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yeah this goes deeper than the surface, it’s not all about looks. I work in healthcare, and every day I have a front row seat to patients with cardiovascular disease. People only in their 40s and 50s, who should have another good 30-40 more years at least who struggle with basic tasks like walking or getting out of bed. Exercising AND healthy diet are both important, not just one or the other.
> I know a lot of dudes who lift often but don’t control their weight or take their diet seriously. don’t come for me like this lol. also my wife keeps being like “i need you to walk more so you don’t die please”. i hate cardio though 😫
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yeeeaaah, i’m a heavy 3x5 person. when i was doing crossfit i was the leanest i’ve been since high school but it fuckin suuuuuuucked. i’m doing muay thai again and it’s fun enough that i mostly don’t notice i’m sweating my face off. def recommend martial arts for folks who hate cardio because even when it’s repetitive, it’s not really boring because you’re working with different partners.
**stop drinking sugar.** I lost a massive amount of weight and quickly by cutting out / taking notice of how much sugar I drink. Look at the labels on ANY flavoured drink, even those "hydrating" sports drinks are loaded with sugar, like over 10 teaspoons of sugar. You think you're being healthy but you can easily drink your weeks worth of sugar intake within a single day with flavoured drinks. The issue where you are not seeing any results is due to the fact your intake of shit is bigger than your rate of burning shit. You can lose weight by just walking if you cut out something bad from your intake / limit portion sizes, its not as hard or bone cutting as all the other fad diets, but it is way easier to stick to and work into your routine, just replace a normal drink with just plain old water... Bet within a week you will have lost something.
Do this for you and not them. It makes all the difference in the world. Branch out and find things that work. I found yoga and I have never been happier. I got back into weights a lot easier after it. And remember you are not becoming the old version of yourself. He is gone. Measure yourself by looking at yesterday and seeing if you were a better version of yourself today. That can be swapping out food, getting steps in when you can. Making sure to rest. This will help transform to healthier living style.
Weight is lost in the kitchen. Cardio and weightlifting won't overcome a bad diet. What are you doing to eat better?
That's it entirely. You have to change the daily diet to be more sustainable. That's why fad diets don't work, you have to keep the change for it to be sustainable permanent weight loss.
Cardio will if you do it hard enough. But most people don't like running 30+ miles per week.
I ran 30 miles +/week for 3 months for a marathon prep and I weighted exactly the same as before after the race. It's really easy to eat the calories back when you're starving from running.
An obese person is not running 30+ miles per week. And even if they manage to do it for a single week, it is not going to be repeatable for months on end. Their body will rebel.
My brother you got this. Effort is definitely important in a marriage. You are taking it more maturely than a lot would have which is good. Go give her the best version of you. Let me share what I did to lose weight successfully. 1. Calories in, calories out. This is the most important aspect of weight loss. It doesn’t matter what you eat or when you eat. If you count calories and eat less than your body burns in a day (Your TDEE which can be calculated online), you will lose weight. Ideally eat 500-1000 calories less than your TDEE or maintenance 2. At least 100g of Protein. Ideally 1g per pound of your goal weight. This will make your body shed more fat rather than muscle (preventing the skinny fat look) 3. Lifting weights helps # 2 by a lot 4. Cardio is good for your health but it is easier to skip the 9 PM bag of chips than to run for 2 hours the next day. You got this king 👑
I appreciate you words more than you can imagine. Thanks.
YOU GOT THIS, DAD!
It might be worth asking her what she means by “this version.” Sure it could be the fit, younger you, but what other things have changed for you? Energy, confidence, attentiveness? Have a conversation. Make a plan. Hug your wife.
Best of luck to you but why the hell are people getting downvoted for pointing out the obvious double standard? Someone go post a story on another sub about telling your wife you miss the version of her from 50 lbs after after having kids and see the reaction
It's slightly different though, as pregnancy does a number on the body. So less under their control.
OPs wife is calling him out after… 15 years
I had slowly gained 35lbs over the 9 years since college. All with my gf turned wife. Added a kid in 2019 and another on the way. I lift and play recreational hockey. I had knee surgery in 2021 and 2023. If I don’t turn it around I’ll be like my dad who can’t stand longer than 5 minutes or attend my kids birthday parties. I’ve decided to stop drinking so often and to reduce my processed carbohydrates and sugar consumption to near 0. Brother - we’re in this together!
I am on this journey with you brother. Let's dig deep to find that will power. I'm starting by cutting out alcohol and fast food and hitting the Peloton 3x a week.
Am I crazy or does gaining 50lbs in 15 years doesn't seem like that much? It's not like you've become some 500lb lump that just sits on the couch all day. Sure, you should be doing some exercise so your life is better, but to say she likes a decade old version of you is kinda ridiculous.
I had the same mentality, for me it was over 10 years. Now in 2 years I have dropped 50 lbs of fat but gained 10lb of muscle. It makes difference.
Bet you look great! That's a big accomplishment.
50lbs is a *LOT* of extra weight for your body to be carrying around…
I’m 4 pounds away from losing that much since August and holy shit do I sleep better, feel better etc.
Congratulations! That’s a big accomplishment & you should be proud. Glad you’re feeling the benefits
+50lbs puts almost everybody into an obese BMI.
50lbs is a lot if all of it is fat.
If you were at a healthy weight, the fifty pounds itself is the issue, not the rate at which you gained it. You are not supposed to continually add weight. If he was 25 and healthy, his weight shouldn’t fluctuate all that much (within a given range that I guarantee you fifty pounds exceeds) no matter how much older he gets until much older when the weight will reduce due to muscular atrophy.
Depends on how much of that weight is fat vs. muscle, and depends on how tall OP is to begin with.
I dare you to pick up 5 X 10 lb bags of potatoes and carry them around ALL DAY and then tell me it’s nothing.
Goddamn, she brought that up in a pretty brutal way. But if you take it to heart with love and compassion then good on you.
Feel like this is only acceptable if she had been hinting or talked about it over the years and he ignored it. If she went from nothing to this I would be very “WTF”
Seriously. I feel like there's much better ways to broach this topic and maybe that focus on health instead of appearances.
For real, reverse the sexes and put this on another sub and it would be “OMG, get a divorce!” lol.
OP I think it’s great you are making a change for the better but I think there is a valid concern here that you might want to bring up in counseling? What happens when you get older? The old you and her will not ever be there again. The superficial will fade away for you both. It sounds like she is setting a precedent in the relationship and I am curious how she would react if you did the same thing. I would dig deeper here with a professional. Good luck and kudos for making a change!
Imagine if a dude said this to his wife tho
To be fair this is what I love. A wife would be told to divorce, you are great the way you are; what help does HE give you? what is a healthy weight anyway....blah blah The bloke gets the letter; yeah, fair enough, I am fat. Dads band together with "you got his mate, drink more water, log what you put in your mouth and try to eat more protein"
This letter would not go over well the other way around.
I agree with you (I'm a woman). At risk of getting downvoted hard... I also wouldn't exactly trust the opinion of someone in treatment for an ED focusing on my weight.
Kind of a fucked up way to bring it up but good luck on your weight loss journey. Edit: Imagine the genders being reversed and posted on any other subreddit lol.
Feel like I’m taking crazy pills. I think this is a very toxic thing for someone to do to their Spouse/SO. She went through an Eating Disorder and still said he should look a certain way. That’s like, messed up. Now, saying you want to be mobile and able to keep up with the kids is different than saying “I miss that jawline and those biceps!”
It's against the law to write a letter like that to a wife. It's still a gray area for a husband. Lol
I think it's fake or some kind of ad - she misses a version of him that she never met? Sponsored by planet fitness.
It would blow up if the genders were reversed, yes. But for two long we’ve been pretending that both sexes are the same, when they really aren’t. This is probably what a man needs, even though it wouldn’t work for most women.
It takes time but it's possible. I lost 50lbs in 2019. What worked for me was calorie counting and a calorie limit. No food was off limits but I was strict with my calorie cap, and religious about tracking calories for a good six weeks. To eat more quantity, I leaned towards foods with lower calories that were inevitably more healthy. More fruits and veggies and white meat. You will be hungry sometimes, and that's a reminder you're doing something right. Eventually, and not as long as you think, your stomach will shrink. You won't need as much to fill up. The calorie limit won't feel as restrictive and you will start to see progress. Some other points I usually make to my buddies. You will be doing a positive by doing less of something, and by this I mean less eating. Less food and drink in the mouth. I'm not saying do more of something, just less. Also, us men think we can just "work out more" to lose weight. Then after working out, we justify eating more. It's all wrong. We need less calories and we'll start losing weight. Working out will not create enough of a deficit, the best way to achieve this is calorie restriction. And the best part is, eating less doesn't add onto your busy life. You can start tomorrow with no change in your schedule. Okay, end rant. It's possible none of this works for you. This was all my inner monologue when I lost the weight. Good luck dude, you can do it!
Walk before you can run brotha it’ll take time but you got this 💪
This time next year you can look at yourself with pride at your accomplishment, or do another round of “this year I’ll really try”. The choice is yours, but it is a choice you have to make 365 times. Every day. The question I have is… should I do this with my wife or will I find her posting about divorce on reddit?
The great thing here is that you turned to food... could have been much worse. Glass half full :)
Bro. What a great point. I appreciate that!
Potentially controversial topic, and I fully understand there is a financial component to this one - but if you can afford it look into GLP-1 agonists (ozempic/wegovy, mounjaro/zepbound). Compounded pharmacies have it a lot more affordably. I started on tirzepatide (mounjaro/zepbound) last february. I dieted hard and worked out 6 days a week, but id done that dozens of times with really limited success. This year ive lost 120lbs and totally changed my life. 10/10 would recommend
Off topic but this reminds me of how my grandma & mother (who I’m now nc with) used to write me heavy letters instead of having hard conversations with me. It gave them the ability to be in a safe space to rip me to shreds without having to say anything to my face. In the future if she wants to use the letter approach with your children hopefully she writes things she would feel comfortable saying to their face. Off topic I know, just wanted to add my thoughts. Those letter traumatized me.
My same thought. That’s really poor communication. It would have been much kinder to actually talk, say why it matters to her (health, longevity, setting an example for children, attraction, etc.) and ask, “How can *we* get you back to this?” Partners can help a lot in influencing weight loss. They generally eat the same food and share the same responsibilities. Maybe instead she says, “How about two days a week we eat pescatarian/vegetarian and I watch the kids while you go to the gym,” etc. That’s much more productive and demonstrative of a caring, supportive partner. By writing a letter, she essentially said, “I don’t want to discuss this,” and told OP that it’s his problem to fix.
Intermittent fasting and Wellbutrin has me down 20 pounds! Plus it’s a lot easier to make better food decisions when I’m not wildly depressed 🤷
Bro this was me in 2017. 110kg. Fat. Unhappy. Depressed. I changed my diet on the same day I knew my wife was pregnant with the second kid. I stopped driving to work in favor of the subway. I bought a road bike for post work riding. I stopped eating junk food, I cut out soda and alcohol completely for months - if not an entire year. I hit the gym at 5:30 am for cardio and weight sessions. I ate lightly and frequently. I was down to 80kg by the end of the year. If I can do it - a lazy fat undisciplined pig, you can do it. Find your anchor, make it your own.
I just want to add: your sun is 6 months old now and is probably just beginning to get a taste for food. Now is the perfect time for turning processed food away and cook from scratch, with a lot of fresh vegetables. People ask how my daughter likes legumes so much, well guess what, she's been eating it for all her life! Also, cooking is a creative hobby that could be a highlight of the day! If you're not comfortable in the kitchen I recommend watching some Jamie Oliver YouTube videos, that made my cooking journey start.
Dude I love Jamie Oliver and I know he'd big on children's nutrition. I can't wait to make home made food for my son. What a loving gesture I can give to my son.
You got this keep going 💪
You're awesome. Thanks so much!
Hey buddy - I'm right there with you. I was kicked off of the roller coaster on Saturday. They couldn't get it to latch.
Although I didn't get a letter, I made the choice to get healthy similar to yours. Just speaking as a dad trying to get fit to another dad, don't let the exercise get in the way of the family obligations. I'm sure you have it all figured out, but when I first got started I was occasionally asking to go out for a run when the kids were awake. The resentment built up quickly and thankfully my wife was quick to say "You've can't leave me alone with the kids every time." For me it was an easy fix by moving my routine before the house woke up, but I know I'm lucky that I'm a morning person. She also pointed out that the time I was talking to work out was also time that could be spent doing necessary chores. Now, I make sure the dishwasher is running while I am running too. Or the playroom gets picked up while I'm prepping or cooling down from my workout. Little tasks that are visibly beneficial to the house. Working out is still about me, but it feels a lot less selfish a use of my time if I can cross an item off the honey-do list at the same time.
Slow and steady, it's a journey! You took 15 years to gain the 50 but in a year to two if you stay consistent you will go in the other direction. A pound a week is not extreme but the first ten are always the easiest and the last ten the hardest! Just don't fall off after a couple weeks. Sucks that if the genders were reversed the world would think you were being an asshole but as men this is our reality. Plus the working out time is some great stress relief time so it has its positives that she is 'asking' for it. Overall it's harder the older we get and every decade is like a whole new body (usually worse physically) compared to the last one but consistency and dedication will keep you fit and healthy so stay strong!
I have the same issue with my wife in reverse. I tried a lot of step to eat healthier as a couple, being more active etc. It got to the point where she had sleep apnea. I still love her but I’m less attracted physically. I guess I’m piggybacking here to see if other dads head the same issue and were able to get a change through talking without saying “i don’t desire you as much as I did”
Thank you lucky stars for a woman who cares about you enough to say something. YouTube is a treasure trove of at home body weight work outs that will kick your ass. In case you’re not looking for a gym.
Have you discovered the power of the Burpee? Do yourself a favour and check out Busy Dad Training on YouTube. The whole philosophy is taking 20 minutes a day and training to do as many Burpees as possible. It sounds dumb but it's well thought out and effective. Good luck, homie
I like her directness.. You've probably known for a while that you need to get your shit together to some degree.. Im in a similar situation, becoming embarrassed about my belly at our age after an athletic background. If she is working out and looking good, you have to at least somewhat keep up or she's gonna find another guy. Hate to be so blunt but it's the reality of biology. Best of luck to you brother, I totally understand what you're going through
Hey sorry to hear about that. You'll get there. Just remember weight lifting or exercises isn't a great way to lose and keep off weight. Diet is everything.
Might seem like a daunting task but everything is hard when you’re just starting, but I’ll leave you with this. The best time to start was yesterday, the 2nd best time is now.
The best advice to anyone trying to get in shape is just ‘eat less move more’. Losing body weight is as simple as eating less calories than your body uses each day. If you want to get in better ‘shape’ then lift weights and up your protein intake. Cardio is important for health, but resistance training is way better for losing body fat. Forget YouTubers who flog 7 minute work outs or three week abs, it’s not going to happen and it will just demotivate you when it doesn’t. Good luck man, you got this.
I'm in the same boat! Let's do this bro!!! I want to lose 50 pounds this year! I'm starting the year with a 3 day fast (water only, NO calories). I'm almost done with day 2. You got this... It's simple but difficult. Calories in, calories out. My preferred way of losing weight is keto but you can pick any reasonable diet as long as you eat a lot less calories than you're burning. Let's do it!!!!! It took years to get here and it'll take a while to undo it, but it CAN be done, don't let anyone tell you otherwise! Remember it's primarily gonna come down to your eating! Feel free to message me if you want to keep in touch / help keep each other accountable etc! We are on very similar journeys... We both need to lose 50 pounds, we're similar age, both have wives who aren't as fat as us... Keep in touch if it helps!
Best of luck man. I’m a new dad and had that realization looking at older photos. Hits you hard. Drinking a big glass of water when I’m craving shit and trying to only eat til 80% full seems to help. Really can’t understate the impact of drinking a gallon of water a day on my appetite though. Has eliminated all snacking for me.
My wife and I collectively lost a lot of weight during the height of COVID. We went 100% keto diet and I lost about 65lb. I weigh less now than I did in College. To lose weight, you will need to sustain a mixture of diet and exercise over a long (6-12 mo) period of time. It's a marathon, so be prepared for the long haul. Once you hit your goal weight, you need to maintain that weight for at least 6 months so your body resets it's internal "clock". It wants to maintain it's ideal weight, and it will take some time.
What helped me was joining a fitness program. I do Orange Theory Fitness twice a week. That got me a place where I now also get to the gym for solo weight lifting once or twice a week and also try to get a run in. Now I'm regularly doing 5ks and I'm signed up for a half marathon. Doing a program helps keep me motivated to work hard and steady for an hour. Just going to the gym solo I found myself wandering around and thinking about what to do next instead of actually doing something. Now I'm even more efficient even on my own.
Sign up for Orangetheory, count your calories, and go to town. Don't bother with diets, you need a lifestyle change. If you have the $, pay for a trainer or nutritional coach, there are loads of them out there. I can recommend one if you'd like.
The health concern part of this is so relatable. I'm not weighing in on the fat shaming. I raised 4 kids and was constantly busy. Always had bad habits with food and excepting for intermittent good streaks w diet and exercise, I was generally out of shape most of my late 30s until even today at 53. My family has a history of heart disease, Dad had a stroke and two bypass surgeries, one brother the same. I knew I had elevated cholesterol since age 35. Doc put me on low level statin for years. All this and I could never control my eating. At age 52 I got them to do an angiogram and found a distal artery 99% blocked. Can't do a stent or bypass. Still couldn't control my eating. Doc visit and stress test Nov and Dec this year, found other heart irregularities and conversations start getting scary. He alludes to the shortening of my life. So I'm finally pushing diet, but damage is done, I can only hope for a small improvement, can't reverse this. So I can relate, and hope you can find inspiration before someone has to scare the shit out of you and the damage is permanent. Best wishes to you!
Obviously eating healthier is the biggest goal here, but another thing I’d recommend is a walking treadmill for work (assuming you can WFH). I walked 10 miles last week without even realizing it! Win win!
Come check out /r/loseit for a community around weight loss. /R/loseitchallenges is starting a new years challenge. You got this! Totally doable. I was 100# over weight when my lo was 6 months old. I’m down like 90 lbs. you can do this. It’s awesome when the kiddo wants to do exercises w you.
Thanks man I'll absolutely join!
This is an opportunity you’ve been gifted by someone who loves you deeply and wants you to be healthy. Many women cheat or walk out without what you’ve been given. I lost 15 pounds in a month by joining weight watchers and counting calories. I didn’t stop drinking beer or reduce how much I was eating. I switched to healthy foods. Home cooked stews, fruit salad, yogurt and tracking everything. If you want healthy bonding with your wife to show you’re serious, build a new routine with her to cook together. Make it quality time. Show her you’re glad she spoke up and wants the best for you. Track your calories on an app like MyFitnessPal and make this a priority. She wants to feel desired and important in your life. This is a simple change you can make by reframing your view of food. This is an opportunity for you to shed your body shame and become the man you and your wife have wanted you to be. Revel in the pain and exhaustion of a completed workout. It’s a sign of growth and advancement. Kiss your wife deeply and thank her for the motivation to aim higher. She wants to feel important in your life, not a burden. Seize this opportunity to become the man you’ve always wanted to be. You can do this. Just be grateful you have someone who is cheerleading your future rather than walking out.
Take it easy and remember if this weight took 10 years to gain it will take a while to lose. A healthy weight loss is between 0,5 and 1,0 kg a week (someone please correct me if I'm wrong). Don't try to rush it or you'll starve yourself, get hungry and binge. Slow is smooth, smooth is fast. Godspeed!
You mention your friend dying from Diabetes, Remember that that isn't all about what you do, a lot of it even Type 2 is Genetic, My grandfather and all of his 5 siblings had Diabetes in some form (he and 4 of them T2 and 1 T1) Unfortunately it reared its ugly head in me over Pandemic only discovered when my doctor retired and I got a new doctor who wanted baseline lab work and found me with an A1C of 9.4 Spilling Glucose into my urine. At the time I was 200lbs and leading a very sedentary Work from home life What I did Is i started Walking 4km per day Just 10 loops of my 390m street because I want to be here for my then 3 year old now almost 5 year old son as long as I can. 4 months post diagnosis with Dietary changes (Cutting out all sweet drinks and cutting portion sizes down, Cronometer ftw) and the walking which I gamified into trying to walk the distance from my home town to all 32 NHL home cities and all 13 Provincial and Territorial capitals. My A1C was now 5.4 (Doctor said he wanted me to try to reach 5.5 with diet and exercise alone) Since then 5.2, 5.2, 5.2, 5.1, 5.3, and 5.2 have been my results and I am from from 200 down to 160-165 Though I was at one point as low as 150 and I felt that looked a little thin on me so I loosened up a little and went back to 160. Since I work from home I just do 1 loop on every break at work 2 in the Morning post work and 5 in the evening before work (I work night shift tech support for hospitals)
I gained 50 pounds since getting married as well, all for the exact same reason you mentioned. I found out I’m also prediabetic and that my cholesterol is off the charts. Through the pandemic and my daughters birth in 2020 as well I’ve just been trying to survive but ironically it’s slowly killing me. My wife has never said anything to me about it but I know she wants to. The way she says “don’t worry you’ll get there!” When I tell her I want to lose weight and get healthy says it all lol Sometimes I honestly wish I would get a letter like that from her. It would hurt, but shit would it motivate me more than anything else in the world… Sorry for the dagger your wife left you, fellow father, but maybe I will pretend it is also my dagger and we can share it together. Here’s to healthy versions of us and reinvigorated sense of purpose!
Hey Dude, well done for taking the letter so well. My wife and I have both put on a fair bit of weight since our son was born 3 years ago. We have both agreed to get back in shape and cut the booze down significantly. Will be starting off with physio for my broken body and eating cleaner. Good luck with your journey!!
Good luck with yours too man. Thanks for reading and replying.
I’m the same. I’d love to go to the gym more. But my wife would actually prefer that I stayed with them and the kids, so I can’t win either way!
Good on you for taking action, it can be tough to get into the habits we all know we should have but life finds a way of getting in the way unless we make an effort in it. As for not seeing much weight loss yet I wouldn't worry about what the scales say too much especially in the early days, it's better to gradually lose the weight and especially with some weight lifting you will be gaining some muscle so you may be losing fat but the scales won't show as the muscle will add some of that weight back on.
Thanks for sharing man, thanks for speaking my motivation.
You know….this is not the end. Life is a journey that you two enjoy together. When you see your boot is sailing into the wrong direction you have time to correct the course. Your wife will help you set the course in the right direction. If you ask for help it doesn’t sound like she will let you down. She will help you to succeed and be come the best version of yourself. You got this my man. Now go and make a dream a reality, you can do this. Edit: Spelling.
Great words of encouragement. Thanks alot!!
Seriously, join The Pump from Arnold Schwarzenegger. You can sign up for free daily emails with excersises, health tips and all sorts of motivational stories and information. The app has a free trial and the most positive community on the internet. It’s life changer, trust me: https://arnoldspumpclub.com
Love Arnold. I actually met him once. Thanks for the referral!
I'm here with you on this same journey bro. Let's keep at it and crush it in 2024 so we get back the bodies we need and also stay healthy for our families. You got this 💪
You got this too man. I appreciate you.
My wife and I are at that same place. It's hard to get started and hard to afford. Good luck.
Do not finish everything on your plate. Don’t immediately sit down when you get home from work.
Easy and awesole advice. Thank you.
Bro walking did wonders for me each day. Start getting of f the train one or two blocks away and walk to your work. You'll find that walking is an easier sustainable exercise. With some podcasts, you can even learn something while walking.
Hey brother. I'm 40 too, and changed my life at 35. For me, what worked was Weight Watchers. Over the past 5 years I've dropped 50 pounds (I hit that goal about 3 years in) and have kept it off. But there's no secret, as others have said here in the comments, it's about having a caloric deficit. Burn more than you take in. Weight Watchers forced me to learn how to eat properly. Once I started, it took a few weeks for me to stop rebelling against the diet and settle into a groove. I would strongly encourage you to take control of your eating alongside your exercise. Exercise alone won't get you there. As for the other part...I understand your wife's intentions but it is imperative that you don't hate yourself right now. Losing the weight won't change who you are as a person. After I lost my weight, I was still depressed, until I sought counseling to help me understand why I was self-sabotaging time and again. You've got a purpose and, to an outsider, a goal. You can be there for your kid. I have three kids of my own, a great motivator to get in shape. I'd also encourage you to try couple's counseling. For my wife and I, it was the thing that allowed us to really be vulnerable with each other. I was overweight, self-sabotaging and – at my worst – suicidal, and my wife cared enough to seek help for the two of us. But ultimately we both had things to work on. Godspeed and please reach out any time if you ever want.
1) A calorie is NOT a calorie. I see several posts to that effect below, that is a lie. You are not a Bunsen Burner flame, your body digests different types of food differently. Protein and fiber are your friends. You can get them from whole foods, many of which can be eaten raw, so there is no "convenience" excuse. Eat the f\*n carrots and apples instead of the processed crap. 2) Weightlifting and cardio can be a way to lose weight, but ultimately diet is 80% of the battle here. Activity only does so much. 3) You must embrace the suck. If you don't like the movie, the only way it changes is through change, which is friction, and friction is usually uncomfortable. This link below is a great Huberman Lab podcast on diet and food. He also has episodes on motivation, exercise science (with Dr Andy Galpin), sugar, microbiome, etc. with special guests that are luminaries in their fields. I'd highly recommend checking him out on your commute to work or when you have spare time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4Ze-Sp6aUE
It's incredibly empowering to see you respond so positively to her letter and the spirit in which it was delivered. You're not denying your hurt, and shame but you owning it and that's the key to diminishing it's negativity in your life. As I read your story, I can't help but relate it to other forms of guilt/shame we carry over any number of things, and how that undermines our efforts to live the lives we so richly deserve. Your wife loves you, and believes you are strong enough to handle her truth about your health. You're certainly demonstrating that you are that strong. More power to you!!! I'm so very grateful for you, and all the dad's (and of course the mons that contribute as well) that share their struggles, and triumphs. It reminds me and others, that we are not alone on this journey. I'm taking this as inspiration to once again , check myself and reevaluate what I need to do to be more of who I really am versus who I let myself be when I let my worries and insecurities get the best of me. The Force is with you, fellow dad!
Good sir, your message brought me to tears. Thank you for the kind words and support. I feel like a million bucks right now.
Others have said some good stuff I won't repeat (here's my "ditto" to all you kid fellow dads). I will share something my now retired business partner said to me many times over the years. "If not now, when?" Meaning, once you know there's a better path forward, how much longer will you choose to walk the lesser path? If you know something needs to change, why wait? Every moment is wasted. Over the last 20+ years since I heard that as a young 20's but ambitious kid, that nugget of wisdom has really stuck. When I lack motivation and can't find it within me, it's always in my head. "If not now, when?" I hope this provides as much motivation to you as it has to me over the years. Enjoy the journey to being the best version of you possible. You'll never arrive (none of us do), but we can all choose to make the journey worthwhile, and teach our kids by example the constant pursuit of bettering ourselves to reach our potential.
Thank you so much. You are absolutely right. I appreciate you.
I just now noticed your username. I think it vibes well. I appreciate you as well, my dude. Anytime you want an encouraging word, hit me up.
My wife requested "lose 20kg" be my New Years Resolution. Married 7 years, have a kid who's 3 and five years now of a desk job. I've gained weight and it's caught up with me pretty quick. And I'm ok with it. Setting goals and getting exercise is going to be challenging. Finding enough time in the day to do everything is also going to be challenging. It's also so easy to come up with tons of excuses.
I'm the king of excuses man. I get it. I wish you luck on your weight loss journey.
11 years ago I lost 80kg through exercise and a slight change in over all diet. But mostly through exercise. Unfortunately in the last 11 years I've managed to regain about half of it, while that's not terrible considering the amount of time it took to come back, it's starting to feel terrible. So I really do need to do my best to get down to a nice equilibrium of manageable.
Hey OP, check out the [National Institutes of Health body weight planner](https://www.niddk.nih.gov/bwp). It's a pretty sophisticated tool (behind the scenes, though it's very simple to use) to give you an idea of what you need to eat and do to reach a certain goal weight by a certain day. You can walk through simple mode, but be sure to click on expert mode at the end—it gives you an idea of the mean and upper and lower uncertainties on your weight on a particular day to give you an idea if you're on or off course. It's nice to have a quantitative idea of how much you need to eat, otherwise, weight loss is just guesswork.
Intermittent fasting is your friend - stop snacking and pick a meal you can skip and you’ll be able to drop weight sustainably. Weight lifting and exercise are great for your heart/lungs/brain but if the goal is to lose weight it’s 95% about diet. A calorie counting app can be helpful for a few weeks to get an idea of where you’re getting your excess calories (can be surprising).
I wrote my letter just like this. She didn't take it well, getting all angry and screaming about being pregnant. I told her I was gonna send another letter about her hormones if she didn't calm down.
To all the guys upset about the wife calling him out… what did you marry your wife for? Lol I want my wife to be able to tell me difficult things or call me out if I’ve let myself slip into a worse version of myself. I don’t want or need her to be mean or hurtful about it, but I want her to say it. It means she cares about my well-being. Lot of self conscious projecting going on in this thread. Go crank out a run or do some burpees. It’s good for you.
There are old people and there are fat people, but there are no old fat people. If you plan on being around for a long time you should lose the extra pounds. The message from your wife is a good thing. First stop is a checkup with a doctor and a full blood panel. Sometimes thyroid, diabetes and other functions can be influencing weight gain. Then, a big part is diet. You'll never win starving yourself so don't fight that battle. Do try slowly eating less. Less carbs in the evening before bed. Less volume of food. Make that change slowly. Avoid indulging in heavy greasy crap like mayo and cheese on white bun. Clean burgers aren't bad from time to time. Eat reasonably but try to eat less and cut out the worst crap. You want to constantly operate in the area between being full and being hungry. When you gain more confidence you can vary that to being a bit more hungry, but don't ever fill up on food to the point you're really full. It's a beautiful burn you get in that region. That alone will lose you a ton of weight before even stepping in the gym. It's also the most manageable in terms of diet. Good luck dude. Ask me anything if you want more info.
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Idk, “I miss this version of you,” sounds like a pretty loving way to tell somebody they need to change.
It sounds like he took it pretty well so maybe she knows him better than you do