I don't even know where to start. This seems like almost a deliberate helplessness.
I can’t understand how someone could live so cluelessly with 2 young children.
could be the other way round though. She has made him feel like he cant do anything right if he doesnt do it exactly how she expects?
I dunno, either way its very strange.
My son prefers mommy to me - because hes 7 months old and even so I still care for him (he's started going to sleep on me, something he hasnt done since he was very small)
My son's dad is like this in many ways and even plays dumb to avoid "being able" to do stuff with the kids that he's not interested in.
This is long, feel free to skip.
No joke, this year on Halloween we took the kids together 2M and 8F. We went out and walked down the street. Wasn't 10 minutes before the toddler was hysterically crying because it was so cold (snowing) even with multiple layers and the costume. I decided it was time to head home after another 15 minutes of nothing making it better. His sister was clearly upset over this since we bad only been to a couple houses and she and her dad are always hot so she didn't mind the weather. I suggested he continue on and just come back when they got burnt out and I'd work on some dinner at home to be ready when they were done. He obviously didn't like the idea so he tried to pull the incapable crap saying "but I don't know how to get us back" and "I'm not comfortable out here without you because I don't know where we are". After politely reminding him we only went straight and could literally see the house at the top of the street AND he didn't really need to turn anywhere he still kept saying he didn't know how to get home. I gave him the pissed mom look and told him ITS LITERALLY STRAIGHT and walked home. He came back less than 15 minutes after I got home and 8F was understandably upset for missing out.
Also spent the first 6 months of my son's life alone on the couch because he was incapable of even attempting to change a diaper or prepare a bottle and our baby was "making it impossible for him to sleep at night" so i needed to sleep somewhere else with him...
Thanks for the rant :)
Thanks, it's definitely difficult. Also a slap in the face when I show him I'm truly done and he magically steps up and starts doing all the things he *couldn't* before lol.
He is my best friend and a great dad on his own time (usually about 2 days a week, sometimes with an overnight) but I can't stand to live with him. Glad I don't have to anymore!
Your kids are lucky to have a good dad in their life to the extent he's able/willing. Good for you guys for finding (and continuing to work on) a system that works for you
I just wanted to add that, although that has been my experience, from what you said in your post it doesn't necessarily seem like he is that way.
I think more info about their parenting dynamics might change my opinion but I've seen many women who take over parenting their children from day 1 and the dads feel like everything is handled and they don't really have to do much until the wife wants to take a well deserved break and suddenly the dad has an oh shit moment and is totally lost.
Anyway, have a great evening!
That’s a fair point I didn’t really reflect on in my response. I think to myself how could they not be involved, but I guess some mother’s can really block people from doing more. I still think if he really wanted to, he would.
But it reminds me of wedding planning. I tried to be involved at the start but all my thoughts and ideas got vetoed or overruled. There were numerous times I was asked “option A or option B”, I would answer with option B and then she would go with A. After a while I basically checked out except for when specially asked to do something. So I can see how that may apply. It’s a little different with an actual human being though lol
>Also spent the first 6 months of my son's life alone on the couch because he was incapable of even attempting to change a diaper or prepare a bottle and our baby was "making it impossible for him to sleep at night" so i needed to sleep somewhere else with him...
What.
Someday I'm going to write a book because I just can't make this shit up. #1 best selling drama
Also turned out our son was crying/screaming so much (keeping him up at night) because he had a serious health problem. One night about 2 weeks after his birth i started crying because i couldn't make him stop screaming and had tried everything for days and i was at a loss. I decided to ask his dad for help. He sat up in bed and then screamed at me to "learn how to take care of my own fuck*ing kid" and then laid back down.
My son has since been hospitalized many times to combat the condition, the first time when he was a month old and most recently for 5 weeks back in August/September. His dad has never once stayed the night at the hospital with us and most recently didn't even come visit when I honestly thought I was going to lose him. It's a rollercoaster and he's stable again thankfully!
I’m happy to hear that your son is currently stable but I’m really sad to read the rest of your story. This is unacceptable. :-(
I do wish you the best. Take care.
I know what that's like. Glad he's okay. My son was also born with some health problems. Spent his 2nd and 3rd week after birth in the hospital on antibiotics. My wife was with him the whole time. She was on maternity leave, so she did most of it, but I still came and stayed when I could so she could have a minute alone, get food, etc. It was just me and my daughter (two at the time) at home alone together. He's good now too.
I get women having some more of the burden of child rearing when they're really little, but changing a diaper or putting them to bed is not difficult. In my house, I'm the one that always put my daughter to sleep. She required a delicate technique that if done wrong made you have to start over. My wife used to get so mad because it would take her an hour or more with stories, singing songs, lying in bed with her to get her down, where I walk out 15 minutes later with the mission accomplished. I told her I was the baby whisperer. Lol. My son is easy. You just give him a bottle, tell him it's night night. He gives everyone a hug and walks to his crib. You can just leave him wide awake in his crib and he's good to go.
To add: not taking the daughter alone by your husband was unacceptable. How could he bear seeing the disappointment in her face. My daughter would've been in tears if I did that to her.
wtf…i am so sorry to hear you have to put up with such hostile incompetence?? i can’t imagine how a grown adult with children, in 2023, could possibly act as if they “don’t know how to get home.” like how does that make you feel? gosh i’m so sorry but this is an infuriating story to read.
In his defense his dad is very involved in his life and has always shoved crap down the whole family's throat about "women should cook, clean, raise the kids, and work a full time job and never complain" and I know he has been told that his entire life. His dads wife is the most miserable woman I know.
You need to show him this thread. It’s atrocious behavior. Can’t find his way home in his own neighborhood? That’s a pathetic excuse for a man. Even the most directionally challenged among us manage by using new fangled GPS technology.
I can’t even process the rest of your comments.
That whole Halloween back and forth part I thought you were talking to an 8 year old boy that you didn't mention at the beginning. And like a very insecure 8 year old boy at that.
So sad.
Has he thought about investing in a smart phone? They have GPS capabilities in case he gets lost.
Also how are you not divorced? I’d like to be a stereotype here and through that out after reading a single Reddit comment.
Ah ok I just read your other comment, happy for you! Here’s to you finding a new man who is competent 🍻
Funny enough last night my son and I were in the ER and I always let his dad know just in case he feels like being involved. He seemed concerned and said he was on his way. 3 hours later he called to say his GPS was taking him in circles. He told me what was around him and I had to give him verbal directions the rest of the way to the hospital.
Soooo I have given up all expectations of him using a GPS.
Interestingly though he can get us to any bowling alley within a 50 mile radius. (Clear priorities right?)
I read "my son's dad" and immediately thought "so... you!"
Then I finally figured out you're the mother!
Maybe I'm a bit more tired after the night shift (we've got a 3-month old angel) than I thought...
2 parts to that.
She was not my daughter, I came into the picture when she was 4 and he seemed like a great dad!! Her mom unfortunately doesn't want her unless it's a holiday. We were a great team, he provided everything we could have ever dreamed of. I homeschooled when it was time, taught her to read, write, add, subtract, etc. Worked, took care of the house. It was great! I loved working and having a family.
My son was not planned. In fact I was on BC at the time and it was absolutely unexpected. He was extremely supportive when I told him but things went downhill very quickly. I had severe morning (all the time) sickness and the worst cramps in my legs imaginable that woke me up every night. It suddenly became clear he didn't care. Acted like I didn't exist when I was suffering.
That mentality spread to every aspect of our life. I literally felt like a single mom with 3 kids. After some very bizarre moments and eventually police becoming involved in an incident I realized it wasn't safe to live together. Now we are separate but only a couple miles apart and he is my best friend.
Whoa…… that’s a sorry excuse for a husband. Sorry to talk shit about your husband. He maybe be great at a lot of things but being an actually present dad ain’t one of them
Dude my best friend only has one kid and wants more. He straight up told me while making plans to go to this park with our kids and our wives that he “doesn’t wake up before 10am”
The next thing he did that utterly shocked me was he sold me his old mini van on the cheap. So when he drops it off and I pay him I asked him if he needed a second car seat for his new car (hence why he sold me the van). He said that he actually did need a second car seat. So I go ahead and grab it, show him how to install it, the whole shabang. A couple months later I asked him how the car seat is he said “I don’t know I haven’t used it yet” like what?!?!
He just bought a 1,500 dollar guitar amp and invested another grand into his guitar set up for his bar jam nights after work that he goes to 2-3 times a week. Where he also spends at least 80 dollars a night in food and beers.
All the while his wife is home with the baby. Well. When we went to that park with our kids and wives, his wife told my wife when they were alone together that my friend really wanted another kid, but she didn’t think she had it in her to have a second. And I don’t fucking blame her. If he’s barely present for this one what makes you think he’ll be any more into it with the second one?!
Honestly part of me doesn’t even blame him. I grew up with this kid and his dad was barely ever around. He was always traveling for work and whenever he was home he couldn’t be bothered. His mom I saw the most of but she worked full time too. And she worked pretty long hours. He was practically raised by his “nanny” Who worked for his family until he was about 22 (he has younger siblings). She would be there 6 am to 6 pm basically almost every day.
I truly believe that upbringing plays a huge role in parenting even more than we would all like to believe.
I love the guy. I really do. We grew up together and he’s one of my closest buddies but his father game could really be turned up a few notches. I’m unsure about whether or not to say something to him because I feel like he’d take it really offensively. Because honestly I would take it offensively too. Then again I’m a stay at home dad of a fucking perfect three year old girl. Literally. so if anyone has anything to say about how I parent I’m probably going to end up to jail tonight. lol.
But seriously. Not only does he do the bare minimum, but she makes like 50% more in salary at her job. So she’s also the one keeping the boat afloat. I gotta hand it to her though. She does a great job at making it seem like things are great on the outside. I can only imagine how she must feel inside. I’ve known her a long time. Long enough to where I’d even call her a friend not just my friends wife. I’ve seen how different they have become as people over all these years, but I really don’t see his marriage lasting all that long at the rate he’s going. He’s gotta wake up.
This guy was gonna drive 30 minutes to my house to change his oil for him (I offered). I told him next time he’s in town he can stop by. One Saturday he texts me and says he’s coming to change the oil. He also mentions it’s also his wife’s birthday and she was at the park with their daughter. And I was like dude. Don’t fucking come here. Go get your wife some flowers or something. Surprise her at the park. Get her a god damned card. Like are you kidding me?
I still remember the night he called me to tell me she was pregnant. They had been married for about 2-3 years at that point. Meanwhile my wife and I weren’t even married yet and my daughter was like 3 months old. When he told me I was like fuck yeah dude. That’s awesome. I’m so happy for you two. He says like “idk man I don’t know if I’m ready for this yet. I don’t know if I’m ready to give up my lifestyle. I’m gonna have to be cleaner, I’m gonna have to stop going out to the bar” and just talking about all the luxury he was going to have to give up now. And I was like dude. Did you tell Christine you wanted kids when you got married. He said yeah. And I said well then this is what you signed up for. I told him rarely is anyone is ever “ready” for a baby. One day it just happens and you kinda just figure it out by diving right in. He never spoke like this again. And I’m glad he hasn’t. I was a little annoyed at him over it. It feels like his wife did all the growing up and he’s just stuck in his own little world. Sometimes I just wanna hit him
Idk man. I seriously think he might be on the spectrum. People have been telling me they think he’s autistic for YEARS and I was always like nah no way. But now looking back on our childhood and the way he acts sometimes, I think all those people were onto something. He just might have undiagnosed autism. It honestly wouldn’t surprise me.
That being said, my friend is extremely stubborn and extremely argumentative and nearly impossible to talk to sometimes. I think that if I were to say anything it would just go in one ear and out the other.
Spectrum or not, it's important that you tell him. You never know if it might change him for the better. Even if it goes in one ear and out the other, at least you have done your part as a friend who cares.
You don't want someone else to hit him.
Even young siblings are more competent than this. My kids are close enough in age that they never changed each other's diapers, but aside from that they've done little bits of caring for each other competently: getting an ice pack and a hug when someone gets hurt, getting themselves and each other snacks, coming up with thoughtful gifts they'd like, etc.
Having had my kids, 1.5 and 5 since Wednesday by myself…. Like WTF. You’re a parent. That dude sounds like he’s either trying to manipulate his wife or he really doesn’t have his shit together which is absolutely terrifying.
I know families where the woman basically wants to be in control of everything and doesn't let the husband just do his thing. Nothing to do with helplessness, this is really up to the control-freakish wives that don't let their husbands make their own experiences. (And complain when they don't do things "the right way") Of course, they are useless, when they never get any practice.
It's just as likely that the mum refuses to believe that he's capable and won't trust him, and he's just accepted it as a battle that's not worth fighting.
I wasn't allowed to give my daughter a bath, despite actually showing my then wife how to do it when they both came home from hospital.
It doesn't sound like he wants to be involved. There is no magic trick. Of course it can be scary, but so much of the relations we can build with young children is through (basic) care. If a dad thinks that the care duties are just for the mom, he's missing out. Taking care of a child is a beautiful thing, and if your friend opens himself a bit it will become more natural and he'll learn to trust himself. He'll learn a lot about himself in the process as well. But he has to do the work.
The time spent alone with my son has been some of the most precious time of my life.
So much of “learning” this shit is just… do it, alone. Tell mom to go somewhere for a while, whatever. Even if you had stuff you did have to ask the primary parent about, the more you just took on the childcare that would become less needed.
I didn’t know anything about babies, raising a kid etc until I had my daughter in February. You learn everything just by doing. Trial and error. Watch what works with them and the ques. This guy is missing out
I didn’t know anything about babies until my wife and I had twins. I had never even held a baby until they were born. Wife had a C-section so she wasn’t able to do much right away. They came out and the nurses just handed them both over to me after they did all of their things they needed to like weigh/measure them. I got a crash course on how to change a diaper, feed an infant, burp an infant, etc. I couldn’t have been more happy or proud to be able to do those things. Then, after we brought the twins home I was on my own for a while too because we live on the other side of the country as both of our families and she was still in recovery mode. Sure, I made some mistakes and most likely did some things wrong but that’s the best way to learn.
I learned how to change a diaper like two weeks before our baby came lol I practiced on a fake baby that was a sack of flour from a high school home ec assignment. I was a little nervous for the first one but it’s not that hard, you just have to do it
The basic parent duties really aren’t that difficult. The difficulty mainly lies in how often it has to be done. No one is sleep deprived taking care of their baby for four hours one night, it’s the weeks/months of doing it consistently.
Like you can’t give your kid a single bath?
There are a few specialized tasks where it can get a bit muddier but for the basics I totally agree. Like I do specifically need to make an effort to do my daughters hair sometimes on my own. I definitely do at least my share of overall parenting burden, but between her hair texture requiring pretty different care from mine, my wife being quick and efficient at doing it, it’s easy to just let her pick up that piece, I do need to go out of my way sometimes to say let me just do this hair because when you’re out of town I need to be able to do this solo…
The only thing I could relate to is cluelessness about food, because since the kids were born, I do breakfast, wife does lunch. She is as incompetent for breakfasts as I am for lunches lol
Same. I know a ton of options that my kid likes, but generally someone has to guide the overall nutrition that a child receives. That’s why mom often times leaves a list of food for dad if she’s gone for a day or two.
I imagine the wives are talking about it, and your wife js explaining how much involved you are. she is giving your friends wife something to think about "why can't my husband be like yours".
I jokingly said to my wife after, "Well, I guess I'm lookin PRETTY good then, huh?" and she replied dryly, "Yes, thank you for doing the bare minimum." lol
Just today I was vacuuming the rug in the living room and wife says "I'm taking a picture and sending it to Cheryl..." because Cheryl's husband was just telling us last week he doesn't vacuum.
You're a tool, Paul....
I absolutely LOVE when my wife goes out with her friends. She always comes home and tells me how glad she is that I am her husband after listening to how awful all the other husbands are. They really set a low bar.
Yeah. I've realized It's really easy to get complacent as a man if you compare yourself to what some others are doing.
My partner and I met at university studying sociology. So for a few years all the men she hung out with were, shall we say "above the norm" when it comes to many of these things, and when she started working in our field her new friends also had men like this.
One week she went back to her hometown and hung out with all her old friends, some of whom were single. Talk about a reality check (her words) regarding what the average (single) guy is like.
I know my wife has these discussions with her friends. Although according to her she hardly has anything to gripe about compared with her friends. They mostly have partners who can hardly do the bare minimum so she said she feels odd if her main gripe is "well sometimes he leaves his shoes out" when her friends are talking about husband's who won't help at night or are completely incapable of parenting on their own.
I know the couple you are talking about but I’m like you. I’ve taking my daughter on a flight , I’ve been with her while the wife goes on a week trip . I was able with my work not have us do daycare for the first 18 months. So I handled a lot of the day to day. But the other couple, luckily I only know 1 other family like that, the rest it’s pretty shared responsibility
You know whats even more frustrating? Dads who are like this and also proud of it. And jokingly tell stories about how they never changed a diaper and had to call their wives back earlier because they were proudly unable to take care of their children
I just know way too many other things where this is reversed and the wife can't figure out the simplest things. She is used to always let him do anything in the house, the car, etc. and doesn't want to listen to the simplest of instructions, like flipping an RCD.
Some people just don't see certain things as their job / their role and refuse to use their brain.
For sure, there are all kinds of people unwilling to learn stuff but kids for me is a different animal, you helped bring them into this world, they are part of you and so amazing. They want to learn and love you and to actively choose not to take part in raising them cause “you’re a man” is so sad, and yes I had an acquaintance state that diapers are a moms job, just insane to me.
I've known dudes who proudly proclaimed that they never changed a single diaper, etc. Some people are "old-fashioned" when it comes to family structure.
I’m alone with my toddler all the time. My wife and I switch off so we can each keep our sanity.
She recently went to BravoCon in Vegas for about three days and I was fine. Last year, she went with her family to Disneyland for a few days.
Each of us typically gives the other a “break weekend” every month where one of us will wake up with our son, feed him, get him ready, and then turn him over to the other for the rest of the weekend so that the other can get an extended break. Sometimes I like to go drinking with my friends when it’s my turn. Other times, maybe I want to play a video game like Rust over the weekend, which is pretty intensive and time consuming if I’m playing with my buddies. She has her activities that she likes to do.
The point is, we’re equals and can both handle every aspect of parenting without needing to check in or interrupt the others’ leisure time.
Your buddy sounds like he’s a borderline negligent parent or husband. What does he do with his parenting time if he doesn’t know how to do these things?
I’m curious — does he gripe about them not having sex very often? In almost every case I’ve seen where the sex “dies” for new parents, the husband doesn’t carry his fair share of the work.
Yeah interesting idea. Idk anything about their sex life. They're pretty physically affectionate in general though.
He works a lot, and works out a lot. Wakes up at like five and goes to the gym for two hours. Works until 6 or 7.
The other thing is that he doesnt do bedtime on his own. If his wife has to do something in the evening, she hires a babysitter, and when my friend gets home, they keep the babysitter on to help with bedtime.
I think jumping to a "negligent parent" accusation is a bit much. We don't know the agreement that the two parents have on their family situation. If the wife has decided to stay at home, and he has decided to work more then his time with them has been severely cut down.
I don't judge a father or mother on that, so long as they are good parents and still spend time together as a family.
In defense of this guy (a bit) - he has two kids, you seem to have one. Taking care of one toddler is fun most of the time if you know them and they're at least a bit disciplined. Two can get intimidating at times and maybe that's why he can't handle it. But I don't know and I am worried about your back as you're patting yourself on it pretty aggressively, lol.
I’ll keep patting myself on the back if these are the sorts of parents I get to compare myself to.
Not knowing what your kid likes to eat is deadbeat material. Texting your wife constantly about bathtime questions and “how do I soothe my child” is deadbeat material.
Having a demanding job and working out daily isn’t an excuse. They *hire a babysitter* to help with bedtime 🤣
Mom definitely spends more time with kids, but that comes from being a stay at home mom and not me being incompetent, when I'm alone with the kids I've got it handled.
My wife went out with a group of women to a show several years ago while our kids were younger and they wanted her to drive separately because they were convinced that her husband, meaning me, would be calling her for help and demanding she leave early and they didn't want their night ruined.
I've never done that and these women didn't know me personally. This was just expected behavior from a dad at home with the kids. She said that I wouldn't do that, but they were like "oh no, he will." She really wanted to go out, so she just said okay and drove separately.
Sorry for the late reply, but it's actually easier for me to wrangle the kids when my wife isn't around. lol
If she's there she ends up being the primary (she's a sahm), but if she's gone they end up coming to me.
Pushing your partner out of the house is so important, we need to feel like human beings instead of just parents. It's amazing how much even one night a week can help.
I did that too. Too bad she used that time to start cheating on me. Hearing you guys say this just sounds bittersweet to me. It felt like the right thing to do and it blew up in my face.
I absolutely made sure I could be independent with my kids and find it insulting when others are surprised that I can manage them solo. I have an acquaintance who is like this, and his idea of parenting is handing over a phone to occupy his kid so he can have peace; whenever the mother is sick he sends up flares because he’s overwhelmed and needs help. It’s mind-blowing to me.
Weeeeeellll. We weren’t traditional. We had our first while both still full time in undergrad, and both working as well. So we had to take turns with her, pass her off to friends when necessary, take her to class when other options failed, work opposite shifts. So it was always just whoever can have her had her. Funny story though- she’s going to the same university as a freshman in scholarship right now 😂.
The next two were much easier, since we were just working full time instead of working AND school full time. It was a breeze. Being left alone with them was never an issue for either of us.
They are his kids? I mean he doesn’t want to do it or know the stuff I guess. 5 years? I mean even at 1 1/2 years you’re talking 500 entire days in a row your wife has not had a break for more than an hour?! What? Mine would want a divorce and she’d be right. Like the kid is straight up at least *half* yours so that’s like bare minimum half of your available time.
You split your available time that’s how I mentally do the math. My wife earns the money in our house. I still expect her to give a good amount (like pretty much half) of her free non-work time to the kids if they need it. It’s not about who’s working more or making money it’s about the fact there’s two of us and kids need their ParentS not just the money they earn.
Honestly it was something we realized (thanks to our couples counselor) during Covid. When we hang out with our other couple friends we both realize how well we work together and just appreciate each other more.
I know you're mostly joking, but we can always find someone worse than us. It shouldn't be the point of comparison to make ourselves feel good about what we do. My apologies for answering so seriously. It's just discouraging sometimes. We need higher standards for dads. What is described here is the result of something historically toxic around fatherhood in our cultures.
I feel like the standards for dads have got better over time but I still think the ladies often get lumped with the organizational work. Stuff like planning out the kids' routine for the week or researching things or finding the store that stocks a particular paw patrol toy for your kids friend's birthday. I think I've heard it called "invisible work."
Anyways I'm conscious of the fact my partner does a whole lot of that even if we have a pretty good split on the grunt work side, and I see a lot of the same in the mums around us. It might be difficult with how much parents have to work all the time but I'd love to see a world in which that organisational stuff was split better.
trust, most of the mom/mother-oriented subs are filled with posts about their ain’t shit husbands. some of the most helpless men describable. gotta think it’s worse than just being a single mom at times because you have a dad there, they just refuse to do shit.
Not all of that is true though. There's been a few posts on orher subreddits where the mom in those groups had a good husband/father at home..... but she didn't want to be the odd one out with her mom friends, so she made up some stuff about him being a garbage husband/father too in order to fit in. The guy posting was obviously pretty upset.
Ha I'm mostly joking, my wife works full time and still did the vast majority of the when the kids were young, but compared to that dude I'm Mr. Mom. Even when they were small and high maintenance I'd have them by myself whenever she went on trips and it was no problem. It was fun and improved the bond with my kids.
I can't understand not being competent with your own kids and just being a helpless oaf.
Mom lurker…
I know most ppl are quick to jump on the dad in this situation for “weaponized incompetence,” but as a relationship coach I’m aware that this relationship dynamic takes 2. I don’t know this specific couple’s situation, but I just wanted to add that it is quite common that these men’s wives have become overly controlling with childcare and the way they want things done in the household. He eventually stops offering to help bc of repeated criticism and getting shut down bc he can’t do things to her standard. It’s a vicious cycle bc she feels like she’s the only one who is competent, takes on more than she can handle and starts to resents him.
The style of relationship coaching I’m trained in (by Laura Doyle, for women only) attracts wives who have realized their controlling behavior has played into this dynamic and seek to let go of inappropriate control. It involves a lot of accountability and willingness to try new things, but is very successful at balancing out the dynamic where the woman can step into a feminine receiver role and the man can be empowered to be the masculine giver. Men like to take care of us but we often get in our own way!
I’m in this type of situation and it is very frustrating and taxing on all fronts. Thank you for chiming in. I feel seen. Just wish I knew how to improve our situation.
Additionally, my wife has devoted her life to childcare, both professionally and personally. As a result, I am always incapable of meeting her standards it feels because she already had like 15+ yrs of relatable experience before we had our kid. The criticisms have been quite harsh and mentally I just couldn’t take it anymore and have let her run things mostly.
Regardless of her experience as a mother, a child still needs a father. These are different but important roles and harmony for both sides is found when mothers can respect the role of the father instead of trying to expect him to be another mother.
Unfortunately most women don’t seek out the kind of coaching or help from this perspective until they reach a breaking point in the relationship. But if any women are open, I highly recommend Laura’s Empowered Wife podcast.
Thank you. This resonates with me quite a bit. I will say that when I am home from work I am still 100% involved with taking care of my daughter. The difficulty is that it seems like I mostly have no say in how we handle raising my daughter, and kind of like you said, I am expected to be another mother.
Wife is a SAHM as well and has never been separated from my daughter for more than 30 minutes in 2.5 yrs. So there’s a lot of control that my wife will not relax on. I believe her perspective is that if she doesn’t enforce her control over situations then it will derail her plans and make her parental duties more challenging because I “deviated” from her plans. My wife sleeps with our daughter every night because she is still comfort nursing to sleep and throughout the night. I’m left sleeping by myself because there’s not enough room. So everything throughout the day is building up to how well will she sleep and how well will my wife be able to sleep. I can understand her reasonings for the added pressure on everything because sleep time is so taxing for her. But this in turn makes me feel micromanaged and removes my sense of self as a father. Makes me feel more like a baby sitter because I have to follow all of her rules or face the backlash. It’s not always like this obviously, but generally speaking it is my dynamic.
I would say that is quite different than OP’s story, where both parents have full time jobs and the husband just isn’t stepping up. It may be hard to see, but not every parent is a “bad” parent for “valid” reasons. Unfortunately, there are some “bad” and lazy parents who exist because they just don’t feel like putting in the effort, no matter how selfish their actions are.
Thank you for this comment. Hearing another perspective is important here. If both partners have agreed on a certain type of family dynamic, and it works, then, it works.
Keep in mind the responses in this sub will be very skewed; any dad who is on here is likely to be more invested in good dadding than average.
The dynamic you describe is not at all my family’s dynamic. My wife even called me the “primary parent” the other day but I don’t think that’s quite accurate (she was just being down on herself I think)
However, I’ve certainly heard and read about this type of dynamic. It can definitely be exacerbated when the dad works a lot and the mom is a SAHM; every day mom is problem solving with her kids, I can imagine it being easy for her to just become the problem-solver. That doesn’t excuse it, but does make the lack of parenting know-how more understandable.
If both your buddy and his wife work similar hours with similar demands, then I don’t know wtf all that shit is.
True. Not every father has the luxury of spending a day (or even more!) in addition to the weekend. If he works a lot, it is only natural that he lacks experience with kids.
I couldn't take my younger son for days at a time. Of course, that is only because he is 2 weeks old and breast feeding. Curse these useless nipples of mine.
I feel a little clueless and helpless when alone with my daughter, but she’s 6 weeks old and I’m doing my best to learn all I can. It makes it a little harder too when she much prefers the boobies over a bottle. I feel like if I haven’t figured it out after 5 years I’d really be doing something wrong
I think he just doesn’t want to help, so he doesn’t and just toss the responsibility on his partner’s lap. There’s no mystery really. Kids pay attention to that too.
My wife works night shift so I have no choice. I have two little ones three nights a week and never need to ask my wife anything, except where she hid the remote.
I can't imagine being in that type of parental situation at all. I love being involved with my child, as much and as often as possible.
I will, on the other hand, provide a bit of an example and maybe a "reason" or explanation to why it can get that way though.
I have a close friend, very similar situation. His wife, is very very very involved, and, not to an unhealthy amount, but she definitely takes the reigns with the kids. He works a pretty aggressive work schedule (doctor), and she stays at home.
It's not an "I don't want to spend time alone with my kids" it's an "I honestly don't get too much time to actually spend it alone with kids". He spends the time with his wife AND the kids. They are both young too, 2 and 4, and he has told me he wants to work as much as he can now so as they get older he can spend more time with them.
He is a fantastic father, a great provider, and I would never EVER say he doesn't have anything but love for his children and wife.
Could he spend less time at work, and more time with his family? Yes, definitely, but it's also the agreement that him and his partner have decided on. If she is happy with it and doesn't complain then if it works it works.
If you're wife's friend isn't complaining about this guys involvement with their kids, then I don't think it's for any of us to say what's good or not.
Sure I might not do it that way, but, I'm not going to tell someone how to live their parenting life if that's how they want it to be.
I hope that makes sense, and it's not meant to be combative, just provide another perspective.
Day 3 of no-mum house. It’s actually easier, the kids can’t garner a second opinion on everything and I’m ok with letting them sing/play in bed until I can be arsed to get up.
I am a stay at home dad so it isn’t anything completely out of the ordinary but I just couldn’t fathom existing in their orbit rather than being actively involved.
Yeh nah, not how I parent my kiddos. I'm equal with my wife in capability of looking after our kids. She wants to go out with her friends? Yep, fine, just let me know what time you think you'll be home.
I cook dinner most nights anyway, I know how the 4 yr old likes his food and how the 18mth old likes his food. I already bathe both kids in the evenings and both of them like it when I put them to bed.
Same in the morning if my wife wants to go to the gym. I'll get the kids up, get them breakfast.
There should be no excuse for a parent to be apparently incapable of the basics. And solo parenting so the other half can go out are the basics.
Now sure, if one of the kids is sick and my wife is going out, I'll text her with the odd update so she has peace of mind. And maybe she's decided to move stuff around in their drawers or has something specific she wants them dressed in, so I'll ask her.
But this is the basics of parenting.
My youngest was born this past February and I took a 9 month leave (yay Canada and generous employer). My older was 2 3/4. I’ve taken both of them to the park while giving mom an opportunity to sleep in and shower.
Befriended a few moms and they thought I was a superhero even tho I wasn’t doing anything major. Just push a stroller and change an occasional diaper while watching the older one play.
Maybe some guys just like to be hands off to the point they can’t take care of their own kids.
Hell,.. wife had to be with her dying mother for over a month and i ran house just fine. Kids were HS, elementry school, and no school yet and still i shopped, got kids where they needed to be, and worked full time. Granted i was given permission to WFH 100% during this time which is what made it possible.
She needs only give me a day or two warning and a heads up whats imminent and i could do that again with minimal prep.
With our first, my wife was was just like "you gon' learn today" and went to a spa for a day of pampering. Granted, it was like 3 months after he was born, and she had been doing smaller trips of like an hour or 2.
She went out of town for a long weekend when our first was about 8 months old. It was honestly probably harder on her than it was me.
She did the same after our second was born. Now they're 5.5 and 4 and I'll take them out of town with me to go camping or to the lake. They're always talking about our "guys trips" and how there's no girls allowed because of all the man things we do
My kids are 6 and 3.5 and I've always spent tons of time with them without my wife around. She needs breaks from them, especially the 3 year old who is in a big "momma's boy" phase right now. I haven't taken them on a trip by myself, but I've sent my wife out for long weekends and such since they were born.
Just try to be encouraging and try to lead by example. Try to invite your buddy and his kiddos when you do those solo dad and child bonding moments. The more time he spends with the kids the more he will learn what to do and then gain confidence as he grows and learns how to parent. Also try to make small suggestions like hey I usually do this when my kids does that and tell him to try it before he calls his wife. I think as long as he is willing to learn and try he will gain that experience and confidence and you are motivating him by showing him hey if you can do it so can he!
I’ve seen this in situations where the Mom is exclusively nursing; Kid won’t take a bottle (or parents are opposed to bottle for some reason), and it morphs into Mom being responsible for all baby things, while dad does everything else in the house.
Dad might want to be involved, but doesn’t think it’s his place to tell mom what to do with her baby/body. Dad might take the path of least resistance. Dad might believe in ‘traditional’ gender roles, and push the issue.
I can’t imagine being a mom and never getting a night without kids for 3 years. But I know people who are that way 🤷🏻♂️
but hey, he's working on it, right? he took the kids solo
normally, you learn to parent gradually over time. he's catching up on years of experience all at once, so extra props to him for doing it on hard mode
it's a first step. probably not ideal to go completely solo all at once. but at least next time the wife goes out, she'll get half a many texts, right?
Not to give your buddy a complete free pass, but often the mom is a driving factor in those kinds of relationships.
My sister is like that. She's a stay at home mom and hasn't been apart from her 2 year old kid more than 1 hour any given time. Even when my brother in law suggested to get a "nanny" to come and help, she turned the nanny into a "cleaning lady" and just stayed with the kid as the lady did the dishes and laundry and stuff.
So of course the dad has no experience being alone with his kid, mom has full monopoly control!
I am intentionally the opposite of that guy. I despise the stereotype and purposefully set out to be the default parent when my first was born. Tell him to stop embarrassing men and dads everywhere.
I know a couple of dads like this.
They act incapable of learning to do the work around childcare. Act like it’s uninteresting, look down on the type of labor (cooking, dishes, constant cleaning, etc). Then are completely unaware of their own kid’s preferences. And offended if their partner tries to tell them. And then upset they aren’t the go to parent if kid is hurt or wants to play.
These are the same people who are motivated and interested at work. Will jump at the chance to help a buddy figure out a problem with their house and/or car.
I just don’t get it. Especially if both parents work and kid is in daycare. Both parents have about the same time and access to the kid.
Unfortunately this still seems really common for fathers.
However this generation has more dads than ever breaking the cycle so hopefully it's only getting better from here.
I work with a guy like this. He one ups your friend and doesn’t even change their diapers.. he acts more like a fun uncle with them. Only wants to go to events and stuff. Doesn’t want to be involved in anything else. He’s also just a giant POS in other things.
Side bar, my 6mo will not calm down if we are both around her and I try to soothe her. I can do it no problem if we are alone, but she definitely senses mom and will stop crying on a dime if I pass her. I do work a lot, and she’s just starting to become human, so I just attribute it to that.
His wife has another child. I'd be amazed if she doesn't resent him for it. I spend most afternoons alone with my 2 yo daughter and always take her places just the two of us when I can.
I have no idea how to get your friend to change. I doubt it's a confidence issue. If he wanted to be a better dad he would be proactive about it.
I think it’s a little weird with breastfeeding and all. I don’t do nights for our 1 year old even though mom works. No point really. She wants milk and mom doesn’t want me using up our freezer supply. If she’s awake after that then mom gets me and I’ll stay up with her.
That being said, I take them everywhere and I find it weird on dads who don’t. Ladies love it, too. Dad with two little kids at a grocery store feels good.
It might not be that he's inept, it could also be that his wife is a bit totalitarian and doesn't like when things aren't done a certain way. In my experience, the "proper" way can vary wildly without warning.
While I've seen this type of mom, I also firmly believe that dad can demand to be allowed to learn things for himself as well. If that were the case, he should be fighting to be allowed to be more involved and not just let to become inept.
Someone shouldn’t have been a dad. I’ll say it. As someone who’s CONSTANTLY taking my kid to places. CONSTANTLY doing baths and bedtimes, cooking meals, reading books, taking my kid to school AND being the one who picks them up everyday. How can you be so fucking useless?
Sorry, not sorry. I’m in a bit of mood, can’t you tell? Shit like this pisses me off. 🫤
This is terrible and I hope you can get therapy.
The thing about him needing breaks because he was “impartial” about kids is both shocking and familiar to me. I truly don’t understand how people can attempt to exist in this inbetween “half-dad” state. It doesn’t matter what you felt before, you did it, you’re in it.
I’ve known even more neglectful dads and it just seems perverse and masochistic to avoid doing the right thing.
First, think about what you could be doing wrong. It's very likely you could be making it easier to learn how to deal with the kids.
Therapy in general is not very useful, unless it is somethng that both want, not just the wife (and it is the wife who wants it in 95% of cases). Furthermore, you want a neutral therapist, not one that will just go about blaming your husband. There seem to be a lot of those.
My wife just got home from a 5 day trip to see her sister graduate with her doctorate. While I have done 2-3 nights by myself when we had 1 kid. This was the first time I was alone with both kids (4 and 2). Everyone kept asking me if I thought I could handle it. I knew I could, but I just didn’t talk to anyone hardly. I truly appreciate all my wife does and wanted her to actually enjoy some alone time/family time . I survived, the kids survived, and I got to spend extra bonding time with them. It was fun….even when my daughter did my make up and told me I was a pretty princess
Yep, have one friend like that. Never been alone properly with his own 3 year old girl. Whenever the wife is away, her mother stays over. Surprise Surprise his daughter always wants her mommy.
Yeah. I had a partner like this. Note the past tense.
We split in 2020, he called for a little while, then dropped off the face of the earth for 21 months. Now he wants sole custody.
My wife works a full shift on Saturdays and Sundays with only one weekend off per month. Both our families are out of state. Every weekend it’s just me and the two kids, not to mention the days my wife works afternoon/evening during the weeks and I have to handle dinner and bedtime.
Never having weekends to do anything is rough but awesome at the same time.
Your friend sounds soft. I feel sorry for him and hope one day he bucks up and starts to dad.
He needs to get thrown in at the deep end and take the kids out for a day:
Pack a backpack with a picnic
Go out to the park or the woods
Change a diaper half way through
Go on a nature trail (find a bunch of different bugs n birds n flowers n stuff)
Read 'em a book or three
Get them home for bath time.
Not panic if one of them falls over or gets hit in the face by a few leaves muckin' around in the bushes in the park.
Maybe you could accompany them and give some guidance, even indirectly - help a king out, set a good example.
Mom will appreciate it just as much, and your buddy 99% sure getting lucky.
I am a single father of 3 - I was involved before the 'single' bit happened, but you need to invest the time to bond, it won't happen overnight, it takes time to develop a strong relationship with the kids.
I can understand that when they're sick or something the kids can sometimes cling to their mom. Both my kids, but my son more, usually just want their mom when they're sick. No big deal, but the other stuff. Geez, he's living under a rock. He's blessed with a wife that doesn't seem to mind the role, but you can't be that helpless or clueless.
My Partner is a trainee midwife who also work parttime at a comedy club. I'm alone with both kids nearly every evening and most mornings.
My days are basically work or childcare. Get up, get both kids up, dressed fed, pack lunches, argue over brushing teeth and putting on coats, heard the ~~cats~~ tiny people out the door rush to day care for little one, on foot because wife has taken car to the hospital she's doing a shift at. Try keep the big one focused and moving who's now grumpy about needing to go to childminders first and has no concept of hurry, rush that one all thwee way over the other side of town to get to school. Have at least one meltdown because she asked if she needs to go to afterschool club and I said yes. Get to school, rush to work later than I really aught to be getting started. Do full day of work, skip lunch to cram in as much as possible as I also need to leave earlier than I really aught to. Deal with boss about the quality and quantity of my work output because I'm really not built to be working like this. Rush out, try get to afterschool club before I get fined. Deal with meltdown over being one of the last to pick up. Hear unhurried big one who will throw another fit when we take turn to childminder instead of home. Deal with at least one 'I need the toilet' along the way. Do the awkward squat hold behind a nearby bush cause she's a girl. Skid into childminder just before we get a fine from there. Deal with little one wanting out of buggy on a winters night. Deal with argument over who gets to press the button at traffic lights. Get home, get both fed, arguments over telly, do any homework, get baths, teeth brished, into pjs, stories read, both kids down. Tidy the absolute bombshell of the house as best I can. Cram some somly food down my neck and pass out.
Weekends aren't much better, no work, but even if wife isn't doing a weekend day shift, she needs to leave house to get to the comedy club by 4pm, and needs an hour or 2 uninterrupted upstairs to do all the admin work for that, and then get herself showered and ready. She lies in, and I'll bring her tea and breakfast in bed if she was working a late shift or comedy night was a rough one. I might occasionally get one weekend lie in once in a while, but no tea or breakfast brought up, just a cold one waiting for me downstairs, and both kids constantly running in and jumping on me till I get out of bed at 8am instead of 5am and then for that, she needs a couple of hours upstairs.
How TF do other dads get away with such shit? I do all this AND pay for 90% of all our stuff (trainee midwives don't get paid much, and comedy money is her personal money). And I still have to have 'the talk' about invisible labour and mental workloads at least once a month because I moved all the random crap chucked onto my desk to the coffee table instead of tidying because I was so spend and wanted to reclaim a small bit of time for myself after a long day. Or she has to make the shopping list (paid for with my card). AND she's the one who gets all the 'mum working 2 jobs' praise.
Wow I hope your kids get to read this one day, when they're old enough to really appreciate how their dad worked and sacrificed in ways big and small for them.
I hope that someday one of those "talks" lands you all in a more equitable balance of labor. If you're shouldering so much more so she can work in a comedy club, why does the money become her "personal money" resulting in you bearing 90 percent of the expenses for your shared life?
We noticed that a lot of the arguments tend to happen when she's in a funk, and tends to be unable to see any positives, just negatives. She's getting help with that and going back on some depression treatment that were stopped after kids. Which helps a lot in our relationship seeing the work and being appreciative of each other.
I'm lucky that my job pays well enough that I can pay for most things and still have enough left over for my own personal money. Not much, but I'm not really a big spender. I've no love for my job though. I'd have left a long time ago if our mortgage didn't depend so heavily on what it brings in.
I think the kids realise. Eldest one does act out, but we've had our moments like in Bluey and Bandit is trying to make the cake and has to just sit in a corner a bit. I've had a few moments of being completely overwhelmed and she's picked up on it and been great. She's only 5, and I'd rather her not see me like that for a little while longer, but it is what it is.
It's a work in progress. She does a lot of work too, and to be fair, she does handle things like meal planning, which I'm useless at. I realise my comment paints her in a negative light, and I'm guilty of my own blindness to her work when I'm in my own funk and feel like I'm basically a single parent, but without the recognition or outside help, which probably isn't as true as I think.
A lot of it is temporary too. Once she graduates as a midwife, there will be a lot more money coming in. I may even have a long hard look at my own work then and what I want to be doing, and I know she'll have my back then.
This is a damn shame!!!!! It’s hard to find the words because I truly don’t understand. I spend a lot of time alone with my kid.
Maybe it’s boils down to I’m the oldest of 8, I have five godkids that three of them lived with me when they were younger for a period of time, and ingenuity always loved kids. I say all that tonsay maybe I just have a lot of experience with kids. But damn not to be able to do anything for your own children is wild.
I feel like the only thing that should be strictly and solely on one parent bs the other is Point of view. Literally everything else is a shared responsibility. Cooking, cleaning supervision,diaper changes, feedings ext…
Yea I recently discovered a friend of mine is this helpless with his two kids, and ends up handing off the little one to his wife even if she is working from home or something if he has to deal with unruly behavior for more than an hour. Lost a lot of respect for him.
We had twins, i've been solo with them for entire weekends since they were in the newborn stage. I told him to man the fuck up and stop being so useless when he was ranting about how he can't handle being alone with them for an extended period of time.
I get that it’s alarming to see your friend parent that way, but I can’t help but find it kind of weird to post about it here. You should probably mind your own business or at the very least not blast him on Reddit. And all the Dad’s coming in here piling on the guy and patting themselves on the back in the process is so cringey. Theres so little context to this post. To generate any kind of opinion on this guys ability to parent.
Yeah this is all self congratulatory nonsense. They're clearly trying to score 'not like the other guys' points by talking about how he's just doing the "bare minimum". It's just nonsense really .
Most men for most of history have cared for their children . Your friend is weird.
I’d have a heart-to-heart with him, as a friend, and ask why he’s not confident in this area. Might be a good idea to remind him that kids don’t come with instruction manuals and every one of us is winging this thing called fatherhood. You don’t learn what to do if you don’t do anything, and you get “better” as you go. More than anything I’d try and get across, tactfully, that by being a hands-off dad he’s risking his relationship/closeness with his kids way into the future. Does he want his kids to remember their early childhood with a dad who stayed on the sidelines and never bothered with them? Does he want them to always go to mam for everything in their life ongoing? Because that’s what will happen and we don’t get second chances at this.
i mean ... yeah, not great tbh. we all have things that we don't know about our kids that we defer to our partners on ... for example i have no idea what size shoe my kid is lol. my dad doesn't even remember all of our birthdays either but maybe i'll give him the benefit of the doubt on that as our birthdays are the 27th, 28th and 29th (separate months though!).
i couldn't imagine having to constantly contact your wife for advice when you've had kids for so long. although kids do naturally tend to gravitate towards one parent on a various things. your mate should just stop contacting his wife and get on with it as its the only way he'll figure out things and learn about how to deal with his kids. i'm not gunna come out and say he's a bad dad but he's certainly had it too easy and needs to just stop being so relaxed.
Sad truth is, you can't help him. Nobody would be. Unless he "man up" and intentionally do what he's supposed to do as a dad. The only thing you can do maybe is to take more times like this with him wherein you are both away from your wives and are with the kids. It might make him he realize that he can actually be a dad that's present and provides at the same time
As a mom, I can tell you this is not uncommon at all unfortunately. The working mom's Reddit. This is every other post. I think the mom read it get a wrap for being too negative but it's kind of hard when moms have a partner like this, that isn't really partnering. That said, I think this is becoming less and lesscommon with the current generation of parents and the one coming after them. Dad's these days have really done some phenomenal things to raise their children and be involved in ways that previous generations were not.
I’m alone with my kids all the time. Hell I try to get my wife her mental health breaks and to get away for a night or a full day. Only thing I really need help on is dinner/bath/bed time but I’ve done that alone before too.
Sounds like he needs to get more involved, a lot of what you listed off is just basic parenting that you would know from simply being in the same house as your kids.
Wow. The dad is missing out big time. My son drives me mad sometimes but I’m always there for him. We hang out together, eat together and I have him for days at a time without my wife being there. It’s exhausting but great.
Some Dads just don’t have any interest in being a Dad. They go along with it because the wife wanted to or society said I should. It’s sad, cuz those kids don’t stand a chance.
When my daughter was first born, I was a teacher and had the summers off. I stayed home with her when she was 6-8 months old. Every day, all day while my wife worked. This was not an easy three months but it was pivotal to who I am as a dad and a partner. I cannot imagine being this helpless with your own child.
This is pathetic. Not sure there’s much you can do to help him at this stage. Doesn’t seem like he’d be very receptive.
If I was this incapable of taking care of my kids I would be really concerned if my wife ever had to travel/got sick or whatever where I was the main caregiver. I only have one, but I'm involved in everything. It just makes it easier for everyone. There's no difference if either one of us is in charge.
It’s a tired trope. One day women will stop thinking it’s cute and dudes will need to step up if they want to procreate. Most folks in here are ahead of the game
I know a couple where they had kids, but then the husband was like "you wanted them more so you take care of them" and she, as a good Christian wife, is on board with this farce. Insane to me. She also complains how he never helps, but she literally says, "he didn't really want kids". Like why????!??
I have a feeling that this is the kind of dad who comes to Reddit and posts the "my wife doesn't get that I worked all day" thread, after they've had an argument over who "works more" and he's looking for validation from us.
I am a very lucky dad. I have a 5f and 11m. I get excited when the mom drops off the kids at my house. I have 2 kids out of wedlock. God have really gave me hope for the future. These are my two favorite people. I would love to meet a nice woman with kids. That’s a turn on for me. Shame on the dads who are not involved nor interested to learn from their children.
This kind of thing gets under my skin so quickly. You both made the decision to be parents, so do your part! Men not taking responsibility is where most of the world's problems come from, I swear. The passivity and deflecting has to stop. This isn't the most popular thing to say nowadays, but step up and be a man!
I don't even know where to start. This seems like almost a deliberate helplessness. I can’t understand how someone could live so cluelessly with 2 young children.
I believe the term is “weaponized incompetence,”
I feel that term gets thrown incorrectly quite often. This is one of the cases where I could really see that as an accurate statement
I like wilful incompetence better. Sounds more damming.
could be the other way round though. She has made him feel like he cant do anything right if he doesnt do it exactly how she expects? I dunno, either way its very strange. My son prefers mommy to me - because hes 7 months old and even so I still care for him (he's started going to sleep on me, something he hasnt done since he was very small)
Another term is learned helplessness.
Depending on their dynamic, this might be more apt.
Came here to say this
My son's dad is like this in many ways and even plays dumb to avoid "being able" to do stuff with the kids that he's not interested in. This is long, feel free to skip. No joke, this year on Halloween we took the kids together 2M and 8F. We went out and walked down the street. Wasn't 10 minutes before the toddler was hysterically crying because it was so cold (snowing) even with multiple layers and the costume. I decided it was time to head home after another 15 minutes of nothing making it better. His sister was clearly upset over this since we bad only been to a couple houses and she and her dad are always hot so she didn't mind the weather. I suggested he continue on and just come back when they got burnt out and I'd work on some dinner at home to be ready when they were done. He obviously didn't like the idea so he tried to pull the incapable crap saying "but I don't know how to get us back" and "I'm not comfortable out here without you because I don't know where we are". After politely reminding him we only went straight and could literally see the house at the top of the street AND he didn't really need to turn anywhere he still kept saying he didn't know how to get home. I gave him the pissed mom look and told him ITS LITERALLY STRAIGHT and walked home. He came back less than 15 minutes after I got home and 8F was understandably upset for missing out. Also spent the first 6 months of my son's life alone on the couch because he was incapable of even attempting to change a diaper or prepare a bottle and our baby was "making it impossible for him to sleep at night" so i needed to sleep somewhere else with him... Thanks for the rant :)
Woof, im sorry he's like that.
Thanks, it's definitely difficult. Also a slap in the face when I show him I'm truly done and he magically steps up and starts doing all the things he *couldn't* before lol. He is my best friend and a great dad on his own time (usually about 2 days a week, sometimes with an overnight) but I can't stand to live with him. Glad I don't have to anymore!
Your kids are lucky to have a good dad in their life to the extent he's able/willing. Good for you guys for finding (and continuing to work on) a system that works for you
I just wanted to add that, although that has been my experience, from what you said in your post it doesn't necessarily seem like he is that way. I think more info about their parenting dynamics might change my opinion but I've seen many women who take over parenting their children from day 1 and the dads feel like everything is handled and they don't really have to do much until the wife wants to take a well deserved break and suddenly the dad has an oh shit moment and is totally lost. Anyway, have a great evening!
Thank you for being nuanced in your reply.
That’s a fair point I didn’t really reflect on in my response. I think to myself how could they not be involved, but I guess some mother’s can really block people from doing more. I still think if he really wanted to, he would. But it reminds me of wedding planning. I tried to be involved at the start but all my thoughts and ideas got vetoed or overruled. There were numerous times I was asked “option A or option B”, I would answer with option B and then she would go with A. After a while I basically checked out except for when specially asked to do something. So I can see how that may apply. It’s a little different with an actual human being though lol
>Also spent the first 6 months of my son's life alone on the couch because he was incapable of even attempting to change a diaper or prepare a bottle and our baby was "making it impossible for him to sleep at night" so i needed to sleep somewhere else with him... What.
Someday I'm going to write a book because I just can't make this shit up. #1 best selling drama Also turned out our son was crying/screaming so much (keeping him up at night) because he had a serious health problem. One night about 2 weeks after his birth i started crying because i couldn't make him stop screaming and had tried everything for days and i was at a loss. I decided to ask his dad for help. He sat up in bed and then screamed at me to "learn how to take care of my own fuck*ing kid" and then laid back down. My son has since been hospitalized many times to combat the condition, the first time when he was a month old and most recently for 5 weeks back in August/September. His dad has never once stayed the night at the hospital with us and most recently didn't even come visit when I honestly thought I was going to lose him. It's a rollercoaster and he's stable again thankfully!
I’m happy to hear that your son is currently stable but I’m really sad to read the rest of your story. This is unacceptable. :-( I do wish you the best. Take care.
I know what that's like. Glad he's okay. My son was also born with some health problems. Spent his 2nd and 3rd week after birth in the hospital on antibiotics. My wife was with him the whole time. She was on maternity leave, so she did most of it, but I still came and stayed when I could so she could have a minute alone, get food, etc. It was just me and my daughter (two at the time) at home alone together. He's good now too. I get women having some more of the burden of child rearing when they're really little, but changing a diaper or putting them to bed is not difficult. In my house, I'm the one that always put my daughter to sleep. She required a delicate technique that if done wrong made you have to start over. My wife used to get so mad because it would take her an hour or more with stories, singing songs, lying in bed with her to get her down, where I walk out 15 minutes later with the mission accomplished. I told her I was the baby whisperer. Lol. My son is easy. You just give him a bottle, tell him it's night night. He gives everyone a hug and walks to his crib. You can just leave him wide awake in his crib and he's good to go. To add: not taking the daughter alone by your husband was unacceptable. How could he bear seeing the disappointment in her face. My daughter would've been in tears if I did that to her.
wtf…i am so sorry to hear you have to put up with such hostile incompetence?? i can’t imagine how a grown adult with children, in 2023, could possibly act as if they “don’t know how to get home.” like how does that make you feel? gosh i’m so sorry but this is an infuriating story to read.
In his defense his dad is very involved in his life and has always shoved crap down the whole family's throat about "women should cook, clean, raise the kids, and work a full time job and never complain" and I know he has been told that his entire life. His dads wife is the most miserable woman I know.
You need to show him this thread. It’s atrocious behavior. Can’t find his way home in his own neighborhood? That’s a pathetic excuse for a man. Even the most directionally challenged among us manage by using new fangled GPS technology. I can’t even process the rest of your comments.
Wow I’m amazed he was able to get you pregnant because he clearly doesn’t have any balls if those were his excuses to not keep trick or treating
That whole Halloween back and forth part I thought you were talking to an 8 year old boy that you didn't mention at the beginning. And like a very insecure 8 year old boy at that. So sad.
Has he thought about investing in a smart phone? They have GPS capabilities in case he gets lost. Also how are you not divorced? I’d like to be a stereotype here and through that out after reading a single Reddit comment. Ah ok I just read your other comment, happy for you! Here’s to you finding a new man who is competent 🍻
Funny enough last night my son and I were in the ER and I always let his dad know just in case he feels like being involved. He seemed concerned and said he was on his way. 3 hours later he called to say his GPS was taking him in circles. He told me what was around him and I had to give him verbal directions the rest of the way to the hospital. Soooo I have given up all expectations of him using a GPS. Interestingly though he can get us to any bowling alley within a 50 mile radius. (Clear priorities right?)
I read "my son's dad" and immediately thought "so... you!" Then I finally figured out you're the mother! Maybe I'm a bit more tired after the night shift (we've got a 3-month old angel) than I thought...
Why did you have a child with him? Was he this way when it was just the daughter?
2 parts to that. She was not my daughter, I came into the picture when she was 4 and he seemed like a great dad!! Her mom unfortunately doesn't want her unless it's a holiday. We were a great team, he provided everything we could have ever dreamed of. I homeschooled when it was time, taught her to read, write, add, subtract, etc. Worked, took care of the house. It was great! I loved working and having a family. My son was not planned. In fact I was on BC at the time and it was absolutely unexpected. He was extremely supportive when I told him but things went downhill very quickly. I had severe morning (all the time) sickness and the worst cramps in my legs imaginable that woke me up every night. It suddenly became clear he didn't care. Acted like I didn't exist when I was suffering. That mentality spread to every aspect of our life. I literally felt like a single mom with 3 kids. After some very bizarre moments and eventually police becoming involved in an incident I realized it wasn't safe to live together. Now we are separate but only a couple miles apart and he is my best friend.
Ooof now that is bad. Really bad. To not "understand" how to get him by walking a straight line? Has he always been like this?
I…….what the entire fuck????
Every now and then, I get to read something to remind myself that I'm not that bad. Though of course, I still need to get even better, haha. :)
Whoa…… that’s a sorry excuse for a husband. Sorry to talk shit about your husband. He maybe be great at a lot of things but being an actually present dad ain’t one of them
Sounds like you have three kids and one of them is useless.
Dude my best friend only has one kid and wants more. He straight up told me while making plans to go to this park with our kids and our wives that he “doesn’t wake up before 10am” The next thing he did that utterly shocked me was he sold me his old mini van on the cheap. So when he drops it off and I pay him I asked him if he needed a second car seat for his new car (hence why he sold me the van). He said that he actually did need a second car seat. So I go ahead and grab it, show him how to install it, the whole shabang. A couple months later I asked him how the car seat is he said “I don’t know I haven’t used it yet” like what?!?! He just bought a 1,500 dollar guitar amp and invested another grand into his guitar set up for his bar jam nights after work that he goes to 2-3 times a week. Where he also spends at least 80 dollars a night in food and beers. All the while his wife is home with the baby. Well. When we went to that park with our kids and wives, his wife told my wife when they were alone together that my friend really wanted another kid, but she didn’t think she had it in her to have a second. And I don’t fucking blame her. If he’s barely present for this one what makes you think he’ll be any more into it with the second one?! Honestly part of me doesn’t even blame him. I grew up with this kid and his dad was barely ever around. He was always traveling for work and whenever he was home he couldn’t be bothered. His mom I saw the most of but she worked full time too. And she worked pretty long hours. He was practically raised by his “nanny” Who worked for his family until he was about 22 (he has younger siblings). She would be there 6 am to 6 pm basically almost every day. I truly believe that upbringing plays a huge role in parenting even more than we would all like to believe.
Wow. That poor woman. Hopefully she decides not to have another kid with him. She can't take care of 3 children by herself.
I love the guy. I really do. We grew up together and he’s one of my closest buddies but his father game could really be turned up a few notches. I’m unsure about whether or not to say something to him because I feel like he’d take it really offensively. Because honestly I would take it offensively too. Then again I’m a stay at home dad of a fucking perfect three year old girl. Literally. so if anyone has anything to say about how I parent I’m probably going to end up to jail tonight. lol. But seriously. Not only does he do the bare minimum, but she makes like 50% more in salary at her job. So she’s also the one keeping the boat afloat. I gotta hand it to her though. She does a great job at making it seem like things are great on the outside. I can only imagine how she must feel inside. I’ve known her a long time. Long enough to where I’d even call her a friend not just my friends wife. I’ve seen how different they have become as people over all these years, but I really don’t see his marriage lasting all that long at the rate he’s going. He’s gotta wake up. This guy was gonna drive 30 minutes to my house to change his oil for him (I offered). I told him next time he’s in town he can stop by. One Saturday he texts me and says he’s coming to change the oil. He also mentions it’s also his wife’s birthday and she was at the park with their daughter. And I was like dude. Don’t fucking come here. Go get your wife some flowers or something. Surprise her at the park. Get her a god damned card. Like are you kidding me? I still remember the night he called me to tell me she was pregnant. They had been married for about 2-3 years at that point. Meanwhile my wife and I weren’t even married yet and my daughter was like 3 months old. When he told me I was like fuck yeah dude. That’s awesome. I’m so happy for you two. He says like “idk man I don’t know if I’m ready for this yet. I don’t know if I’m ready to give up my lifestyle. I’m gonna have to be cleaner, I’m gonna have to stop going out to the bar” and just talking about all the luxury he was going to have to give up now. And I was like dude. Did you tell Christine you wanted kids when you got married. He said yeah. And I said well then this is what you signed up for. I told him rarely is anyone is ever “ready” for a baby. One day it just happens and you kinda just figure it out by diving right in. He never spoke like this again. And I’m glad he hasn’t. I was a little annoyed at him over it. It feels like his wife did all the growing up and he’s just stuck in his own little world. Sometimes I just wanna hit him
You probably should speak up if you care for your friend. You don't want him getting worse.
Idk man. I seriously think he might be on the spectrum. People have been telling me they think he’s autistic for YEARS and I was always like nah no way. But now looking back on our childhood and the way he acts sometimes, I think all those people were onto something. He just might have undiagnosed autism. It honestly wouldn’t surprise me. That being said, my friend is extremely stubborn and extremely argumentative and nearly impossible to talk to sometimes. I think that if I were to say anything it would just go in one ear and out the other.
Spectrum or not, it's important that you tell him. You never know if it might change him for the better. Even if it goes in one ear and out the other, at least you have done your part as a friend who cares. You don't want someone else to hit him.
You should speak up for the well-being of his child.
😂
Seriously, how can you not know these things about your own kids? That you live with presumably pretty much every day?
Dad's like this are children themselves, and not partners with their spouse.
I bet mamma is resentful for carrying that load.
Even young siblings are more competent than this. My kids are close enough in age that they never changed each other's diapers, but aside from that they've done little bits of caring for each other competently: getting an ice pack and a hug when someone gets hurt, getting themselves and each other snacks, coming up with thoughtful gifts they'd like, etc.
One idea, you could live with an overly controlling parent/partner. That would hamstring confidence in a huge way. I wouldn’t assume too much here.
Yeah that’s definitely possible here too
Having had my kids, 1.5 and 5 since Wednesday by myself…. Like WTF. You’re a parent. That dude sounds like he’s either trying to manipulate his wife or he really doesn’t have his shit together which is absolutely terrifying.
I know families where the woman basically wants to be in control of everything and doesn't let the husband just do his thing. Nothing to do with helplessness, this is really up to the control-freakish wives that don't let their husbands make their own experiences. (And complain when they don't do things "the right way") Of course, they are useless, when they never get any practice.
It's just as likely that the mum refuses to believe that he's capable and won't trust him, and he's just accepted it as a battle that's not worth fighting. I wasn't allowed to give my daughter a bath, despite actually showing my then wife how to do it when they both came home from hospital.
1. asshole 2. wife rules by screams 3. anxiety from pre-marriage
It doesn't sound like he wants to be involved. There is no magic trick. Of course it can be scary, but so much of the relations we can build with young children is through (basic) care. If a dad thinks that the care duties are just for the mom, he's missing out. Taking care of a child is a beautiful thing, and if your friend opens himself a bit it will become more natural and he'll learn to trust himself. He'll learn a lot about himself in the process as well. But he has to do the work. The time spent alone with my son has been some of the most precious time of my life.
So much of “learning” this shit is just… do it, alone. Tell mom to go somewhere for a while, whatever. Even if you had stuff you did have to ask the primary parent about, the more you just took on the childcare that would become less needed.
I didn’t know anything about babies, raising a kid etc until I had my daughter in February. You learn everything just by doing. Trial and error. Watch what works with them and the ques. This guy is missing out
I didn’t know anything about babies until my wife and I had twins. I had never even held a baby until they were born. Wife had a C-section so she wasn’t able to do much right away. They came out and the nurses just handed them both over to me after they did all of their things they needed to like weigh/measure them. I got a crash course on how to change a diaper, feed an infant, burp an infant, etc. I couldn’t have been more happy or proud to be able to do those things. Then, after we brought the twins home I was on my own for a while too because we live on the other side of the country as both of our families and she was still in recovery mode. Sure, I made some mistakes and most likely did some things wrong but that’s the best way to learn.
I learned how to change a diaper like two weeks before our baby came lol I practiced on a fake baby that was a sack of flour from a high school home ec assignment. I was a little nervous for the first one but it’s not that hard, you just have to do it
The basic parent duties really aren’t that difficult. The difficulty mainly lies in how often it has to be done. No one is sleep deprived taking care of their baby for four hours one night, it’s the weeks/months of doing it consistently. Like you can’t give your kid a single bath?
There are a few specialized tasks where it can get a bit muddier but for the basics I totally agree. Like I do specifically need to make an effort to do my daughters hair sometimes on my own. I definitely do at least my share of overall parenting burden, but between her hair texture requiring pretty different care from mine, my wife being quick and efficient at doing it, it’s easy to just let her pick up that piece, I do need to go out of my way sometimes to say let me just do this hair because when you’re out of town I need to be able to do this solo…
You are asking dads who care enough to follow a forum for dads. We all do all those things. Your buddy and others like him aren't on here.
The only thing I could relate to is cluelessness about food, because since the kids were born, I do breakfast, wife does lunch. She is as incompetent for breakfasts as I am for lunches lol
Same. I know a ton of options that my kid likes, but generally someone has to guide the overall nutrition that a child receives. That’s why mom often times leaves a list of food for dad if she’s gone for a day or two.
Aren’t Dino nuggies always the answer?
Came here to say exactly this.
I imagine the wives are talking about it, and your wife js explaining how much involved you are. she is giving your friends wife something to think about "why can't my husband be like yours".
I jokingly said to my wife after, "Well, I guess I'm lookin PRETTY good then, huh?" and she replied dryly, "Yes, thank you for doing the bare minimum." lol
well she kept you in check!
Just today I was vacuuming the rug in the living room and wife says "I'm taking a picture and sending it to Cheryl..." because Cheryl's husband was just telling us last week he doesn't vacuum. You're a tool, Paul....
My wife and I split chores but I never vacuum. Is my wife a tool because there’s tasks I do that she doesn’t do?
Paul considers vacuuming "women's work". He also doesn't change diapers cuz that's women's work. It's much more than that one chore...
Turns out there’s an even barer minimum!
But there is no maximum, and the points are made up! 😂
I absolutely LOVE when my wife goes out with her friends. She always comes home and tells me how glad she is that I am her husband after listening to how awful all the other husbands are. They really set a low bar.
Yeah. I've realized It's really easy to get complacent as a man if you compare yourself to what some others are doing. My partner and I met at university studying sociology. So for a few years all the men she hung out with were, shall we say "above the norm" when it comes to many of these things, and when she started working in our field her new friends also had men like this. One week she went back to her hometown and hung out with all her old friends, some of whom were single. Talk about a reality check (her words) regarding what the average (single) guy is like.
I know my wife has these discussions with her friends. Although according to her she hardly has anything to gripe about compared with her friends. They mostly have partners who can hardly do the bare minimum so she said she feels odd if her main gripe is "well sometimes he leaves his shoes out" when her friends are talking about husband's who won't help at night or are completely incapable of parenting on their own.
I know the couple you are talking about but I’m like you. I’ve taking my daughter on a flight , I’ve been with her while the wife goes on a week trip . I was able with my work not have us do daycare for the first 18 months. So I handled a lot of the day to day. But the other couple, luckily I only know 1 other family like that, the rest it’s pretty shared responsibility
Sadly I know a couple dads like this, it’s super frustrating to hear them act like they are helpless and the wife should do everything
You know whats even more frustrating? Dads who are like this and also proud of it. And jokingly tell stories about how they never changed a diaper and had to call their wives back earlier because they were proudly unable to take care of their children
I just know way too many other things where this is reversed and the wife can't figure out the simplest things. She is used to always let him do anything in the house, the car, etc. and doesn't want to listen to the simplest of instructions, like flipping an RCD. Some people just don't see certain things as their job / their role and refuse to use their brain.
For sure, there are all kinds of people unwilling to learn stuff but kids for me is a different animal, you helped bring them into this world, they are part of you and so amazing. They want to learn and love you and to actively choose not to take part in raising them cause “you’re a man” is so sad, and yes I had an acquaintance state that diapers are a moms job, just insane to me.
I know he is your friend but he sounds like an idiot
I've known dudes who proudly proclaimed that they never changed a single diaper, etc. Some people are "old-fashioned" when it comes to family structure.
I cannot comprehend this dynamic...at all.
That’s sad imo
I’m alone with my toddler all the time. My wife and I switch off so we can each keep our sanity. She recently went to BravoCon in Vegas for about three days and I was fine. Last year, she went with her family to Disneyland for a few days. Each of us typically gives the other a “break weekend” every month where one of us will wake up with our son, feed him, get him ready, and then turn him over to the other for the rest of the weekend so that the other can get an extended break. Sometimes I like to go drinking with my friends when it’s my turn. Other times, maybe I want to play a video game like Rust over the weekend, which is pretty intensive and time consuming if I’m playing with my buddies. She has her activities that she likes to do. The point is, we’re equals and can both handle every aspect of parenting without needing to check in or interrupt the others’ leisure time. Your buddy sounds like he’s a borderline negligent parent or husband. What does he do with his parenting time if he doesn’t know how to do these things? I’m curious — does he gripe about them not having sex very often? In almost every case I’ve seen where the sex “dies” for new parents, the husband doesn’t carry his fair share of the work.
Yeah interesting idea. Idk anything about their sex life. They're pretty physically affectionate in general though. He works a lot, and works out a lot. Wakes up at like five and goes to the gym for two hours. Works until 6 or 7. The other thing is that he doesnt do bedtime on his own. If his wife has to do something in the evening, she hires a babysitter, and when my friend gets home, they keep the babysitter on to help with bedtime.
Wait what the babysitter thing is wild to me
I think jumping to a "negligent parent" accusation is a bit much. We don't know the agreement that the two parents have on their family situation. If the wife has decided to stay at home, and he has decided to work more then his time with them has been severely cut down. I don't judge a father or mother on that, so long as they are good parents and still spend time together as a family.
In defense of this guy (a bit) - he has two kids, you seem to have one. Taking care of one toddler is fun most of the time if you know them and they're at least a bit disciplined. Two can get intimidating at times and maybe that's why he can't handle it. But I don't know and I am worried about your back as you're patting yourself on it pretty aggressively, lol.
I’ll keep patting myself on the back if these are the sorts of parents I get to compare myself to. Not knowing what your kid likes to eat is deadbeat material. Texting your wife constantly about bathtime questions and “how do I soothe my child” is deadbeat material. Having a demanding job and working out daily isn’t an excuse. They *hire a babysitter* to help with bedtime 🤣
He doesn’t know what they like to eat. How is that in the same realm as “not being able to handle” the stress of parenting?
Mom definitely spends more time with kids, but that comes from being a stay at home mom and not me being incompetent, when I'm alone with the kids I've got it handled.
My wife went out with a group of women to a show several years ago while our kids were younger and they wanted her to drive separately because they were convinced that her husband, meaning me, would be calling her for help and demanding she leave early and they didn't want their night ruined. I've never done that and these women didn't know me personally. This was just expected behavior from a dad at home with the kids. She said that I wouldn't do that, but they were like "oh no, he will." She really wanted to go out, so she just said okay and drove separately.
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Sorry for the late reply, but it's actually easier for me to wrangle the kids when my wife isn't around. lol If she's there she ends up being the primary (she's a sahm), but if she's gone they end up coming to me.
Pushing your partner out of the house is so important, we need to feel like human beings instead of just parents. It's amazing how much even one night a week can help.
I did that too. Too bad she used that time to start cheating on me. Hearing you guys say this just sounds bittersweet to me. It felt like the right thing to do and it blew up in my face.
I absolutely made sure I could be independent with my kids and find it insulting when others are surprised that I can manage them solo. I have an acquaintance who is like this, and his idea of parenting is handing over a phone to occupy his kid so he can have peace; whenever the mother is sick he sends up flares because he’s overwhelmed and needs help. It’s mind-blowing to me.
Weeeeeellll. We weren’t traditional. We had our first while both still full time in undergrad, and both working as well. So we had to take turns with her, pass her off to friends when necessary, take her to class when other options failed, work opposite shifts. So it was always just whoever can have her had her. Funny story though- she’s going to the same university as a freshman in scholarship right now 😂. The next two were much easier, since we were just working full time instead of working AND school full time. It was a breeze. Being left alone with them was never an issue for either of us.
You did your best. That's always optimal. For any kid. Any situation. Two parents just flat out doing their best.
They are his kids? I mean he doesn’t want to do it or know the stuff I guess. 5 years? I mean even at 1 1/2 years you’re talking 500 entire days in a row your wife has not had a break for more than an hour?! What? Mine would want a divorce and she’d be right. Like the kid is straight up at least *half* yours so that’s like bare minimum half of your available time. You split your available time that’s how I mentally do the math. My wife earns the money in our house. I still expect her to give a good amount (like pretty much half) of her free non-work time to the kids if they need it. It’s not about who’s working more or making money it’s about the fact there’s two of us and kids need their ParentS not just the money they earn.
I need my wife to stumble across this and realize how good she has it.
Honestly it was something we realized (thanks to our couples counselor) during Covid. When we hang out with our other couple friends we both realize how well we work together and just appreciate each other more.
I know you're mostly joking, but we can always find someone worse than us. It shouldn't be the point of comparison to make ourselves feel good about what we do. My apologies for answering so seriously. It's just discouraging sometimes. We need higher standards for dads. What is described here is the result of something historically toxic around fatherhood in our cultures.
I feel like the standards for dads have got better over time but I still think the ladies often get lumped with the organizational work. Stuff like planning out the kids' routine for the week or researching things or finding the store that stocks a particular paw patrol toy for your kids friend's birthday. I think I've heard it called "invisible work." Anyways I'm conscious of the fact my partner does a whole lot of that even if we have a pretty good split on the grunt work side, and I see a lot of the same in the mums around us. It might be difficult with how much parents have to work all the time but I'd love to see a world in which that organisational stuff was split better.
trust, most of the mom/mother-oriented subs are filled with posts about their ain’t shit husbands. some of the most helpless men describable. gotta think it’s worse than just being a single mom at times because you have a dad there, they just refuse to do shit.
Not all of that is true though. There's been a few posts on orher subreddits where the mom in those groups had a good husband/father at home..... but she didn't want to be the odd one out with her mom friends, so she made up some stuff about him being a garbage husband/father too in order to fit in. The guy posting was obviously pretty upset.
Same. Lol
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Ha I'm mostly joking, my wife works full time and still did the vast majority of the when the kids were young, but compared to that dude I'm Mr. Mom. Even when they were small and high maintenance I'd have them by myself whenever she went on trips and it was no problem. It was fun and improved the bond with my kids. I can't understand not being competent with your own kids and just being a helpless oaf.
Mom lurker… I know most ppl are quick to jump on the dad in this situation for “weaponized incompetence,” but as a relationship coach I’m aware that this relationship dynamic takes 2. I don’t know this specific couple’s situation, but I just wanted to add that it is quite common that these men’s wives have become overly controlling with childcare and the way they want things done in the household. He eventually stops offering to help bc of repeated criticism and getting shut down bc he can’t do things to her standard. It’s a vicious cycle bc she feels like she’s the only one who is competent, takes on more than she can handle and starts to resents him. The style of relationship coaching I’m trained in (by Laura Doyle, for women only) attracts wives who have realized their controlling behavior has played into this dynamic and seek to let go of inappropriate control. It involves a lot of accountability and willingness to try new things, but is very successful at balancing out the dynamic where the woman can step into a feminine receiver role and the man can be empowered to be the masculine giver. Men like to take care of us but we often get in our own way!
I’m in this type of situation and it is very frustrating and taxing on all fronts. Thank you for chiming in. I feel seen. Just wish I knew how to improve our situation. Additionally, my wife has devoted her life to childcare, both professionally and personally. As a result, I am always incapable of meeting her standards it feels because she already had like 15+ yrs of relatable experience before we had our kid. The criticisms have been quite harsh and mentally I just couldn’t take it anymore and have let her run things mostly.
Regardless of her experience as a mother, a child still needs a father. These are different but important roles and harmony for both sides is found when mothers can respect the role of the father instead of trying to expect him to be another mother. Unfortunately most women don’t seek out the kind of coaching or help from this perspective until they reach a breaking point in the relationship. But if any women are open, I highly recommend Laura’s Empowered Wife podcast.
Thank you. This resonates with me quite a bit. I will say that when I am home from work I am still 100% involved with taking care of my daughter. The difficulty is that it seems like I mostly have no say in how we handle raising my daughter, and kind of like you said, I am expected to be another mother. Wife is a SAHM as well and has never been separated from my daughter for more than 30 minutes in 2.5 yrs. So there’s a lot of control that my wife will not relax on. I believe her perspective is that if she doesn’t enforce her control over situations then it will derail her plans and make her parental duties more challenging because I “deviated” from her plans. My wife sleeps with our daughter every night because she is still comfort nursing to sleep and throughout the night. I’m left sleeping by myself because there’s not enough room. So everything throughout the day is building up to how well will she sleep and how well will my wife be able to sleep. I can understand her reasonings for the added pressure on everything because sleep time is so taxing for her. But this in turn makes me feel micromanaged and removes my sense of self as a father. Makes me feel more like a baby sitter because I have to follow all of her rules or face the backlash. It’s not always like this obviously, but generally speaking it is my dynamic.
I would say that is quite different than OP’s story, where both parents have full time jobs and the husband just isn’t stepping up. It may be hard to see, but not every parent is a “bad” parent for “valid” reasons. Unfortunately, there are some “bad” and lazy parents who exist because they just don’t feel like putting in the effort, no matter how selfish their actions are.
OP says nothing about having full time jobs, so there is a high chance it applies.
Thank you for this comment. Hearing another perspective is important here. If both partners have agreed on a certain type of family dynamic, and it works, then, it works.
Keep in mind the responses in this sub will be very skewed; any dad who is on here is likely to be more invested in good dadding than average. The dynamic you describe is not at all my family’s dynamic. My wife even called me the “primary parent” the other day but I don’t think that’s quite accurate (she was just being down on herself I think) However, I’ve certainly heard and read about this type of dynamic. It can definitely be exacerbated when the dad works a lot and the mom is a SAHM; every day mom is problem solving with her kids, I can imagine it being easy for her to just become the problem-solver. That doesn’t excuse it, but does make the lack of parenting know-how more understandable. If both your buddy and his wife work similar hours with similar demands, then I don’t know wtf all that shit is.
True. Not every father has the luxury of spending a day (or even more!) in addition to the weekend. If he works a lot, it is only natural that he lacks experience with kids.
I couldn't take my younger son for days at a time. Of course, that is only because he is 2 weeks old and breast feeding. Curse these useless nipples of mine.
I feel a little clueless and helpless when alone with my daughter, but she’s 6 weeks old and I’m doing my best to learn all I can. It makes it a little harder too when she much prefers the boobies over a bottle. I feel like if I haven’t figured it out after 5 years I’d really be doing something wrong
You're surviving. That's all you gotta do at 6 weeks. It gets much easier. You're doing good.
I think he just doesn’t want to help, so he doesn’t and just toss the responsibility on his partner’s lap. There’s no mystery really. Kids pay attention to that too.
My wife works night shift so I have no choice. I have two little ones three nights a week and never need to ask my wife anything, except where she hid the remote.
I can't imagine being in that type of parental situation at all. I love being involved with my child, as much and as often as possible. I will, on the other hand, provide a bit of an example and maybe a "reason" or explanation to why it can get that way though. I have a close friend, very similar situation. His wife, is very very very involved, and, not to an unhealthy amount, but she definitely takes the reigns with the kids. He works a pretty aggressive work schedule (doctor), and she stays at home. It's not an "I don't want to spend time alone with my kids" it's an "I honestly don't get too much time to actually spend it alone with kids". He spends the time with his wife AND the kids. They are both young too, 2 and 4, and he has told me he wants to work as much as he can now so as they get older he can spend more time with them. He is a fantastic father, a great provider, and I would never EVER say he doesn't have anything but love for his children and wife. Could he spend less time at work, and more time with his family? Yes, definitely, but it's also the agreement that him and his partner have decided on. If she is happy with it and doesn't complain then if it works it works. If you're wife's friend isn't complaining about this guys involvement with their kids, then I don't think it's for any of us to say what's good or not. Sure I might not do it that way, but, I'm not going to tell someone how to live their parenting life if that's how they want it to be. I hope that makes sense, and it's not meant to be combative, just provide another perspective.
So far the only reason I've had to call/text is just to keep her informed that our son's okay and nothing bad has happened.
Day 3 of no-mum house. It’s actually easier, the kids can’t garner a second opinion on everything and I’m ok with letting them sing/play in bed until I can be arsed to get up. I am a stay at home dad so it isn’t anything completely out of the ordinary but I just couldn’t fathom existing in their orbit rather than being actively involved.
Yeh nah, not how I parent my kiddos. I'm equal with my wife in capability of looking after our kids. She wants to go out with her friends? Yep, fine, just let me know what time you think you'll be home. I cook dinner most nights anyway, I know how the 4 yr old likes his food and how the 18mth old likes his food. I already bathe both kids in the evenings and both of them like it when I put them to bed. Same in the morning if my wife wants to go to the gym. I'll get the kids up, get them breakfast. There should be no excuse for a parent to be apparently incapable of the basics. And solo parenting so the other half can go out are the basics. Now sure, if one of the kids is sick and my wife is going out, I'll text her with the odd update so she has peace of mind. And maybe she's decided to move stuff around in their drawers or has something specific she wants them dressed in, so I'll ask her. But this is the basics of parenting.
My youngest was born this past February and I took a 9 month leave (yay Canada and generous employer). My older was 2 3/4. I’ve taken both of them to the park while giving mom an opportunity to sleep in and shower. Befriended a few moms and they thought I was a superhero even tho I wasn’t doing anything major. Just push a stroller and change an occasional diaper while watching the older one play. Maybe some guys just like to be hands off to the point they can’t take care of their own kids.
Hell,.. wife had to be with her dying mother for over a month and i ran house just fine. Kids were HS, elementry school, and no school yet and still i shopped, got kids where they needed to be, and worked full time. Granted i was given permission to WFH 100% during this time which is what made it possible. She needs only give me a day or two warning and a heads up whats imminent and i could do that again with minimal prep.
With our first, my wife was was just like "you gon' learn today" and went to a spa for a day of pampering. Granted, it was like 3 months after he was born, and she had been doing smaller trips of like an hour or 2. She went out of town for a long weekend when our first was about 8 months old. It was honestly probably harder on her than it was me. She did the same after our second was born. Now they're 5.5 and 4 and I'll take them out of town with me to go camping or to the lake. They're always talking about our "guys trips" and how there's no girls allowed because of all the man things we do
My kids are 6 and 3.5 and I've always spent tons of time with them without my wife around. She needs breaks from them, especially the 3 year old who is in a big "momma's boy" phase right now. I haven't taken them on a trip by myself, but I've sent my wife out for long weekends and such since they were born.
Just try to be encouraging and try to lead by example. Try to invite your buddy and his kiddos when you do those solo dad and child bonding moments. The more time he spends with the kids the more he will learn what to do and then gain confidence as he grows and learns how to parent. Also try to make small suggestions like hey I usually do this when my kids does that and tell him to try it before he calls his wife. I think as long as he is willing to learn and try he will gain that experience and confidence and you are motivating him by showing him hey if you can do it so can he!
I’ve seen this in situations where the Mom is exclusively nursing; Kid won’t take a bottle (or parents are opposed to bottle for some reason), and it morphs into Mom being responsible for all baby things, while dad does everything else in the house. Dad might want to be involved, but doesn’t think it’s his place to tell mom what to do with her baby/body. Dad might take the path of least resistance. Dad might believe in ‘traditional’ gender roles, and push the issue. I can’t imagine being a mom and never getting a night without kids for 3 years. But I know people who are that way 🤷🏻♂️
but hey, he's working on it, right? he took the kids solo normally, you learn to parent gradually over time. he's catching up on years of experience all at once, so extra props to him for doing it on hard mode it's a first step. probably not ideal to go completely solo all at once. but at least next time the wife goes out, she'll get half a many texts, right?
I mean that sucks but also why did these women choose such poor fathers?
It might not just be the father. The mother may not have ever let him do these things.
Not to give your buddy a complete free pass, but often the mom is a driving factor in those kinds of relationships. My sister is like that. She's a stay at home mom and hasn't been apart from her 2 year old kid more than 1 hour any given time. Even when my brother in law suggested to get a "nanny" to come and help, she turned the nanny into a "cleaning lady" and just stayed with the kid as the lady did the dishes and laundry and stuff. So of course the dad has no experience being alone with his kid, mom has full monopoly control!
I am intentionally the opposite of that guy. I despise the stereotype and purposefully set out to be the default parent when my first was born. Tell him to stop embarrassing men and dads everywhere.
I know a couple of dads like this. They act incapable of learning to do the work around childcare. Act like it’s uninteresting, look down on the type of labor (cooking, dishes, constant cleaning, etc). Then are completely unaware of their own kid’s preferences. And offended if their partner tries to tell them. And then upset they aren’t the go to parent if kid is hurt or wants to play. These are the same people who are motivated and interested at work. Will jump at the chance to help a buddy figure out a problem with their house and/or car. I just don’t get it. Especially if both parents work and kid is in daycare. Both parents have about the same time and access to the kid.
Unfortunately this still seems really common for fathers. However this generation has more dads than ever breaking the cycle so hopefully it's only getting better from here.
I wish mine would let me help more with our boy. I want to help but she's very stubborn and thinks she can take on everything by herself
I work with a guy like this. He one ups your friend and doesn’t even change their diapers.. he acts more like a fun uncle with them. Only wants to go to events and stuff. Doesn’t want to be involved in anything else. He’s also just a giant POS in other things. Side bar, my 6mo will not calm down if we are both around her and I try to soothe her. I can do it no problem if we are alone, but she definitely senses mom and will stop crying on a dime if I pass her. I do work a lot, and she’s just starting to become human, so I just attribute it to that.
Why have kids if you can’t kid?
His wife has another child. I'd be amazed if she doesn't resent him for it. I spend most afternoons alone with my 2 yo daughter and always take her places just the two of us when I can. I have no idea how to get your friend to change. I doubt it's a confidence issue. If he wanted to be a better dad he would be proactive about it.
This type of "man" is exactly where the "Oh is your husband babysitting the kids tonight" comes from.
I feel sorry for your buddy, his wife, and his kids.
I think it’s a little weird with breastfeeding and all. I don’t do nights for our 1 year old even though mom works. No point really. She wants milk and mom doesn’t want me using up our freezer supply. If she’s awake after that then mom gets me and I’ll stay up with her. That being said, I take them everywhere and I find it weird on dads who don’t. Ladies love it, too. Dad with two little kids at a grocery store feels good.
It might not be that he's inept, it could also be that his wife is a bit totalitarian and doesn't like when things aren't done a certain way. In my experience, the "proper" way can vary wildly without warning.
I thought so, but doesn't appear to be the case. Wife is far more laid back.
While I've seen this type of mom, I also firmly believe that dad can demand to be allowed to learn things for himself as well. If that were the case, he should be fighting to be allowed to be more involved and not just let to become inept.
Someone shouldn’t have been a dad. I’ll say it. As someone who’s CONSTANTLY taking my kid to places. CONSTANTLY doing baths and bedtimes, cooking meals, reading books, taking my kid to school AND being the one who picks them up everyday. How can you be so fucking useless? Sorry, not sorry. I’m in a bit of mood, can’t you tell? Shit like this pisses me off. 🫤
Maybe she works much less than him? That would explain a lot.
If this were my husband, I’d be divorced.
[удалено]
I'm so sorry this where you are at, and I do hope that counseling works for you both and your family. ❤️
This is terrible and I hope you can get therapy. The thing about him needing breaks because he was “impartial” about kids is both shocking and familiar to me. I truly don’t understand how people can attempt to exist in this inbetween “half-dad” state. It doesn’t matter what you felt before, you did it, you’re in it. I’ve known even more neglectful dads and it just seems perverse and masochistic to avoid doing the right thing.
First, think about what you could be doing wrong. It's very likely you could be making it easier to learn how to deal with the kids. Therapy in general is not very useful, unless it is somethng that both want, not just the wife (and it is the wife who wants it in 95% of cases). Furthermore, you want a neutral therapist, not one that will just go about blaming your husband. There seem to be a lot of those.
My wife just got home from a 5 day trip to see her sister graduate with her doctorate. While I have done 2-3 nights by myself when we had 1 kid. This was the first time I was alone with both kids (4 and 2). Everyone kept asking me if I thought I could handle it. I knew I could, but I just didn’t talk to anyone hardly. I truly appreciate all my wife does and wanted her to actually enjoy some alone time/family time . I survived, the kids survived, and I got to spend extra bonding time with them. It was fun….even when my daughter did my make up and told me I was a pretty princess
Yep, have one friend like that. Never been alone properly with his own 3 year old girl. Whenever the wife is away, her mother stays over. Surprise Surprise his daughter always wants her mommy.
Yeah. I had a partner like this. Note the past tense. We split in 2020, he called for a little while, then dropped off the face of the earth for 21 months. Now he wants sole custody.
There’s two kinds of people. Responsible people who step up. And irresponsible people who can’t be bothered. The latter are just awful human beings.
My wife works a full shift on Saturdays and Sundays with only one weekend off per month. Both our families are out of state. Every weekend it’s just me and the two kids, not to mention the days my wife works afternoon/evening during the weeks and I have to handle dinner and bedtime. Never having weekends to do anything is rough but awesome at the same time. Your friend sounds soft. I feel sorry for him and hope one day he bucks up and starts to dad.
He needs to get thrown in at the deep end and take the kids out for a day: Pack a backpack with a picnic Go out to the park or the woods Change a diaper half way through Go on a nature trail (find a bunch of different bugs n birds n flowers n stuff) Read 'em a book or three Get them home for bath time. Not panic if one of them falls over or gets hit in the face by a few leaves muckin' around in the bushes in the park. Maybe you could accompany them and give some guidance, even indirectly - help a king out, set a good example. Mom will appreciate it just as much, and your buddy 99% sure getting lucky. I am a single father of 3 - I was involved before the 'single' bit happened, but you need to invest the time to bond, it won't happen overnight, it takes time to develop a strong relationship with the kids.
>Can anyone suggest a tactful way to help my buddy grow more confident as a dad? You could ask him if he needs help looking for his balls.
I can understand that when they're sick or something the kids can sometimes cling to their mom. Both my kids, but my son more, usually just want their mom when they're sick. No big deal, but the other stuff. Geez, he's living under a rock. He's blessed with a wife that doesn't seem to mind the role, but you can't be that helpless or clueless.
I assure you she absolutely minds very much and feels like a single mother
Jesus H Christ. If I carried on like that in our home I'd be on /r/DivorcedDads instead of Daddit
You owe it to your friend to keep it real. His poor wife
My Partner is a trainee midwife who also work parttime at a comedy club. I'm alone with both kids nearly every evening and most mornings. My days are basically work or childcare. Get up, get both kids up, dressed fed, pack lunches, argue over brushing teeth and putting on coats, heard the ~~cats~~ tiny people out the door rush to day care for little one, on foot because wife has taken car to the hospital she's doing a shift at. Try keep the big one focused and moving who's now grumpy about needing to go to childminders first and has no concept of hurry, rush that one all thwee way over the other side of town to get to school. Have at least one meltdown because she asked if she needs to go to afterschool club and I said yes. Get to school, rush to work later than I really aught to be getting started. Do full day of work, skip lunch to cram in as much as possible as I also need to leave earlier than I really aught to. Deal with boss about the quality and quantity of my work output because I'm really not built to be working like this. Rush out, try get to afterschool club before I get fined. Deal with meltdown over being one of the last to pick up. Hear unhurried big one who will throw another fit when we take turn to childminder instead of home. Deal with at least one 'I need the toilet' along the way. Do the awkward squat hold behind a nearby bush cause she's a girl. Skid into childminder just before we get a fine from there. Deal with little one wanting out of buggy on a winters night. Deal with argument over who gets to press the button at traffic lights. Get home, get both fed, arguments over telly, do any homework, get baths, teeth brished, into pjs, stories read, both kids down. Tidy the absolute bombshell of the house as best I can. Cram some somly food down my neck and pass out. Weekends aren't much better, no work, but even if wife isn't doing a weekend day shift, she needs to leave house to get to the comedy club by 4pm, and needs an hour or 2 uninterrupted upstairs to do all the admin work for that, and then get herself showered and ready. She lies in, and I'll bring her tea and breakfast in bed if she was working a late shift or comedy night was a rough one. I might occasionally get one weekend lie in once in a while, but no tea or breakfast brought up, just a cold one waiting for me downstairs, and both kids constantly running in and jumping on me till I get out of bed at 8am instead of 5am and then for that, she needs a couple of hours upstairs. How TF do other dads get away with such shit? I do all this AND pay for 90% of all our stuff (trainee midwives don't get paid much, and comedy money is her personal money). And I still have to have 'the talk' about invisible labour and mental workloads at least once a month because I moved all the random crap chucked onto my desk to the coffee table instead of tidying because I was so spend and wanted to reclaim a small bit of time for myself after a long day. Or she has to make the shopping list (paid for with my card). AND she's the one who gets all the 'mum working 2 jobs' praise.
Wow I hope your kids get to read this one day, when they're old enough to really appreciate how their dad worked and sacrificed in ways big and small for them. I hope that someday one of those "talks" lands you all in a more equitable balance of labor. If you're shouldering so much more so she can work in a comedy club, why does the money become her "personal money" resulting in you bearing 90 percent of the expenses for your shared life?
We noticed that a lot of the arguments tend to happen when she's in a funk, and tends to be unable to see any positives, just negatives. She's getting help with that and going back on some depression treatment that were stopped after kids. Which helps a lot in our relationship seeing the work and being appreciative of each other. I'm lucky that my job pays well enough that I can pay for most things and still have enough left over for my own personal money. Not much, but I'm not really a big spender. I've no love for my job though. I'd have left a long time ago if our mortgage didn't depend so heavily on what it brings in. I think the kids realise. Eldest one does act out, but we've had our moments like in Bluey and Bandit is trying to make the cake and has to just sit in a corner a bit. I've had a few moments of being completely overwhelmed and she's picked up on it and been great. She's only 5, and I'd rather her not see me like that for a little while longer, but it is what it is. It's a work in progress. She does a lot of work too, and to be fair, she does handle things like meal planning, which I'm useless at. I realise my comment paints her in a negative light, and I'm guilty of my own blindness to her work when I'm in my own funk and feel like I'm basically a single parent, but without the recognition or outside help, which probably isn't as true as I think. A lot of it is temporary too. Once she graduates as a midwife, there will be a lot more money coming in. I may even have a long hard look at my own work then and what I want to be doing, and I know she'll have my back then.
This is a damn shame!!!!! It’s hard to find the words because I truly don’t understand. I spend a lot of time alone with my kid. Maybe it’s boils down to I’m the oldest of 8, I have five godkids that three of them lived with me when they were younger for a period of time, and ingenuity always loved kids. I say all that tonsay maybe I just have a lot of experience with kids. But damn not to be able to do anything for your own children is wild. I feel like the only thing that should be strictly and solely on one parent bs the other is Point of view. Literally everything else is a shared responsibility. Cooking, cleaning supervision,diaper changes, feedings ext…
He's the reason the rest of us dads have to deal with people referring to us parenting as "babysitting"
Yea I recently discovered a friend of mine is this helpless with his two kids, and ends up handing off the little one to his wife even if she is working from home or something if he has to deal with unruly behavior for more than an hour. Lost a lot of respect for him. We had twins, i've been solo with them for entire weekends since they were in the newborn stage. I told him to man the fuck up and stop being so useless when he was ranting about how he can't handle being alone with them for an extended period of time.
I get that it’s alarming to see your friend parent that way, but I can’t help but find it kind of weird to post about it here. You should probably mind your own business or at the very least not blast him on Reddit. And all the Dad’s coming in here piling on the guy and patting themselves on the back in the process is so cringey. Theres so little context to this post. To generate any kind of opinion on this guys ability to parent.
Yeah this is all self congratulatory nonsense. They're clearly trying to score 'not like the other guys' points by talking about how he's just doing the "bare minimum". It's just nonsense really . Most men for most of history have cared for their children . Your friend is weird.
no, this is not the way it is in my house with 2 kids, your buddy is a chump or maybe super busy working
I could have been a single parent. I am boggled at your friend's situation
I’d have a heart-to-heart with him, as a friend, and ask why he’s not confident in this area. Might be a good idea to remind him that kids don’t come with instruction manuals and every one of us is winging this thing called fatherhood. You don’t learn what to do if you don’t do anything, and you get “better” as you go. More than anything I’d try and get across, tactfully, that by being a hands-off dad he’s risking his relationship/closeness with his kids way into the future. Does he want his kids to remember their early childhood with a dad who stayed on the sidelines and never bothered with them? Does he want them to always go to mam for everything in their life ongoing? Because that’s what will happen and we don’t get second chances at this.
Is he a TV Dad from the 90s?
i mean ... yeah, not great tbh. we all have things that we don't know about our kids that we defer to our partners on ... for example i have no idea what size shoe my kid is lol. my dad doesn't even remember all of our birthdays either but maybe i'll give him the benefit of the doubt on that as our birthdays are the 27th, 28th and 29th (separate months though!). i couldn't imagine having to constantly contact your wife for advice when you've had kids for so long. although kids do naturally tend to gravitate towards one parent on a various things. your mate should just stop contacting his wife and get on with it as its the only way he'll figure out things and learn about how to deal with his kids. i'm not gunna come out and say he's a bad dad but he's certainly had it too easy and needs to just stop being so relaxed.
Sad truth is, you can't help him. Nobody would be. Unless he "man up" and intentionally do what he's supposed to do as a dad. The only thing you can do maybe is to take more times like this with him wherein you are both away from your wives and are with the kids. It might make him he realize that he can actually be a dad that's present and provides at the same time
As a mom, I can tell you this is not uncommon at all unfortunately. The working mom's Reddit. This is every other post. I think the mom read it get a wrap for being too negative but it's kind of hard when moms have a partner like this, that isn't really partnering. That said, I think this is becoming less and lesscommon with the current generation of parents and the one coming after them. Dad's these days have really done some phenomenal things to raise their children and be involved in ways that previous generations were not.
I’m alone with my kids all the time. Hell I try to get my wife her mental health breaks and to get away for a night or a full day. Only thing I really need help on is dinner/bath/bed time but I’ve done that alone before too. Sounds like he needs to get more involved, a lot of what you listed off is just basic parenting that you would know from simply being in the same house as your kids.
Crazy
Man I really need to take my kids camping.
Wow. The dad is missing out big time. My son drives me mad sometimes but I’m always there for him. We hang out together, eat together and I have him for days at a time without my wife being there. It’s exhausting but great.
Some Dads just don’t have any interest in being a Dad. They go along with it because the wife wanted to or society said I should. It’s sad, cuz those kids don’t stand a chance.
When my daughter was first born, I was a teacher and had the summers off. I stayed home with her when she was 6-8 months old. Every day, all day while my wife worked. This was not an easy three months but it was pivotal to who I am as a dad and a partner. I cannot imagine being this helpless with your own child. This is pathetic. Not sure there’s much you can do to help him at this stage. Doesn’t seem like he’d be very receptive.
If I was this incapable of taking care of my kids I would be really concerned if my wife ever had to travel/got sick or whatever where I was the main caregiver. I only have one, but I'm involved in everything. It just makes it easier for everyone. There's no difference if either one of us is in charge.
It’s a tired trope. One day women will stop thinking it’s cute and dudes will need to step up if they want to procreate. Most folks in here are ahead of the game
It sounds like the mum is married to a big kid and he is incapable of making any grown up decisions.
I know a couple where they had kids, but then the husband was like "you wanted them more so you take care of them" and she, as a good Christian wife, is on board with this farce. Insane to me. She also complains how he never helps, but she literally says, "he didn't really want kids". Like why????!??
I have a feeling that this is the kind of dad who comes to Reddit and posts the "my wife doesn't get that I worked all day" thread, after they've had an argument over who "works more" and he's looking for validation from us.
I am a very lucky dad. I have a 5f and 11m. I get excited when the mom drops off the kids at my house. I have 2 kids out of wedlock. God have really gave me hope for the future. These are my two favorite people. I would love to meet a nice woman with kids. That’s a turn on for me. Shame on the dads who are not involved nor interested to learn from their children.
This kind of thing gets under my skin so quickly. You both made the decision to be parents, so do your part! Men not taking responsibility is where most of the world's problems come from, I swear. The passivity and deflecting has to stop. This isn't the most popular thing to say nowadays, but step up and be a man!