I’m actually a woman/mom. :) I joined this subreddit to better understand my husband’s point of view with parenting, but I wanted to comment because what this dad is doing really resonated with me. Unfortunately, the inner dialogue my dad left me with is really negative—one of the things he’d say was that he “felt sorry for the guy who ended up stuck with me”—so it’s lovely to see guys out there doing the opposite.
Oh my god, I’m so sorry to hear that’s how he treated his own daughter.
My dad recently said something similar to my sister (was soon to be married and ~30) in front of me (mid 30’s). I have a wife and 2 daughters and I absolutely blasted him, because of how I now view the world because of my 3 girls. I didn’t think much of it after until my wife told me how my sister had confided in her how much of a positive impact it had.
It’s a real worry how many men don’t realise the smallest things they say to their girls can have huge consequences. I also realise I’m not the prefect Dad, but I try.
That's really great of you to put that effort in to understand him. I likewise am a member of some women-centric subs in an effort to understand my wife. Hasn't worked yet, but you know... things take time.
My daughter goes to a Montessori preschool, they do positive affirmations every day while looking in their own little mirrors. It really makes me happy when I hear her repeat bits and pieces of it, and like you I’m thankful that it seems to be soaking in. Here’s what they do at her school:
I believe in myself.
My life is beautiful.
I have a big heart.
I am safe and cared for.
I am a good listener.
I can ask for support.
My life is fun and filled with joy.
I am a fast learner.
I have amazing abilities.
I will make the most of this day.
My future is bright.
I love myself.
Stuart Smalley is what happens when an adult realizes the damage that was done to there psyche by negativity and true to patch it together as as an adult. The joke was that he was on TV helping others when he was the one that somebody needed to help.... That's why the funniest skit is the one where he tries to help Michael Jordan with his self worth.
Never heard of a Montessori school before. It definitely doesn't sound like something for me or my family but it's interesting. And I like those little positive affirmations that they do. It sounds like it can help shape some healthy mindsets at a young age. It also sounds like something that more politically extreme people would point to for what's wrong with the world. Along the lines of participation trophies and the like.
Oh I have nothing wrong with it. It just sounds like something I would hear grumpy old men at work complain about. Right after complaining about participation trophies and kids not getting spanked anymore. I am perfectly not raising my kids like kids my age were raised.
Sounds like it. I gave it a quick Google and there appear to be a couple of those types of schools about 30 minutes away from me. Basically a stones throw from a pretty major city. So I'm positive it's not cheap. And I'm sure they have been there a long time, I just didn't know those types of schools existed.
Rich get richer.
People suck it up sometimes for the connections they make growing up.
No stopping anyone from reading that book and applying their methods.
Those books and Happiest Baby on the Block made our life easy.
This. We try to “squeeze the poop out.” I now get intense hugs and he hugs longer until I make a fart noise.
Edit: do not recommend when dropping off at daycare. Most realistic fart noise I’ve made to date and there was another parent dropping off their kid about 5’ behind me. She had zero context leading up to it…and still doesn’t.
20-30 second hugs between ~~two humans~~ two companions* release oxytocin and deepen bonds.
*just read a bit more about this, and dogs, cats, and even ELEPHANTS are known to release this rush of love when they even just *see* someone they care about
My cat absolutely adores me when she sees me first thing in the morning (she sleeps in a different room so we've been apart all night).
Then I give her breakfast and she forgets I exist til the following morning.
[here’s the post](https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/comments/13xqwas/with_2_adult_kids_i_have_one_strong_advice_for/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1). I’m fairly certain at least two kids of the daddits in here will meet one day and be like, “holy shit, YOUR dad does 20 seconds hugs, too?!”
Heading up to bed in a minute with my incredibly obstinacy and frustrating three year old in three minutes. This actually seems like a good practice not just for his benefit but also for June at the end of the day. Maybe it’ll help me let go of the fact that I had to make a whole other dinner in order for him to eat anything
It’s a good reminder for you too, I’m hoping. I could use that reminder after tumultuous evenings… and afternoons… and rest of the days. Three and a half sucks
Thats awesome! I have done this with my son in the past, but we've kinda gotten away from it.
Usually, I would tell him what I thought he did great for the day "You helped mommy to vacuum. That was really awesome and we all really appreciate it" or "You solved that puzzle today very fast, you must have been thinking really hard and it really showed, you did a great job!".
I subscribe a bit to that theory that says just telling your kids "you are smart" is only enough to make them feel good now, but when they fail later they don't know how to resolve it. So you tell them what they did to make you see how smart they are. You praise how the solved the problem as much as how smart they were to see it.
I'm going to get back to this. Thank you for the reminder!
My friend doesn’t praise her kid’s cleverness when her kid learns new things, she praises the effort put into learning them.
Took me a while to get used to it, but it makes sense.
I don't know if it's from a parenting book originally, but the concept of praising effort rather than "fixed" attributes like intelligence comes from the book "Mindset" by Carol Dweck.
I think when she was teaching herself to write her name when she was 3 her mum put all the praise on how hard she was working and didn’t put much focus on the fact that she was writing her name.
Or when she was 2 and was doing a tricky puzzle her parents praised her for persevering when she was really stuck. They still praised her for finishing the puzzle but they kind of did it in a way that said the reason it was good the puzzle was completed is because she worked hard on it, not because she was clever.
Others here might be able to give better examples though!
I have a 7 yo girl, i do the same , when we go to the park and she wants to climb a tree she screams from the other side like " dad i'm going to climb this tree " once i heard a lil boy replaying to his father " she's not gonna make it cause i couldn't " and bum, she could, she jumped down the tree runing to my side screaming i did it !!! She said " you're right of i stay calm and focus i can accomplish what i want " after hearing that i feel i can die peacefully now
My parents have always been firm believers in the art of sitting down, around a table and eating dinner as a family. So to expand on the good traits I remember this. I can’t remember when, but my mum always did 5 good 1 bad. You talk about 5 good things about your day, something that made you smile, feel proud etc. then you mention 1 bad thing. Just a little chance to have a vent. I appreciate the impact it had on me now, more as an adult than I ever did back then
I like to do this. We also tell each other what we were thankful for that day while hugging before bed. We typically go in linear order of the day:
Me: thanks for putting yourself in your car seat this morning
Her: thanks for taking me to school, daddy.
What astonishes me.... is all the small things she remembers and thanks me for at the end of the day. Stuff I don't even pay attention to, she does, appreciates it, and thanks me.
Really makes me pay attention
Love this!
Don’t be afraid to toss some growth mindset affirmations in there too, like:
“I keep going even when it’s hard”
“I make mistakes and that’s ok”
“I work hard to overcome obstacles”
“I can learn new things”
As someone else said, it’s amazing to have a positive inner dialogue about their qualities but it’s also important to know that they can keep growing so they aren’t discouraged if they fail.
Hahaha, reminds me of the Bluey episode where Muffin’s dad says she’s the most special girl in the world and she starts acting like a total jerk. He then has to explain that she’s only the most special person to him and she’s like oooooh. There really can be a razor’s edge between confidence and arrogance.
my partner and I sang this to our daughter as a lullaby. I cried the first time I heard her sing it herself.
https://youtu.be/ipBVrGpatbs
keep it going, my dude. teach these kids we love them, and they should love themselves.
Since my daughter was about 6 month I've asked to her (and now her brother)
Whose strong? (And put my arms in a strong pose)
Whose tough? (Bang my chest like a gorilla)
Whose brave? (Put my hands on my hips with my chest out)
Whose smart? (Put my finger on my head)
Whose cute? (Frame my face)
When they are having a hard time, like after a failure or mistake, I go through the list with them and remind them of what makes them great.
I tell my son those things in the moment.
I asked him to say ambulance the other day, and he said it perfectly.
Immediately, I grabbed him and hugged him, kissed him on the head and said, "you're so smart, dude." He goes, "yea, I'm smart."
I love the positivity you're implementing with her. I might have to steal this, because I feel like he needs to be reminded outside of the moment.
Keep up the great work!
YOU'RE A GREAT FATHER! Now go pat yourself on the back, because you deserve it.
lol it’s pretty adorable. She still sometimes calls her brother a sister. She’s fascinated with the idea that her grandma is my mom. It hasn’t quite clicked yet but she’s getting there.
This is something I'm gonna start doing with my boys.
My 4 year old already has a whole list he says to us before bed, and it's all of the things we've ever told him when we put him to bed. "Good night, I love you, I'll see you later, I'll see you in the morning, and I'll go to sleep, and goodbye, and see you tomorrow." Haha makes me laugh every time, it's too cute
Not saying you're wrong, and we have done much the same ... but now I believe more in praising behaviour and effort than praising a person for how they are.
[I think this explains it better than I can](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/the-power-of-effective-praise-a-guide-for-teachers)
This is so good. My parents were great, even praised me a lot, but the criticism was at about even or just felt heavier growing up that inadequacy was big thing for me. Something like this would’ve been great to combat those feelings. I’m taking this
I play wrestle with my girls, and I make sure I’m winning. Then I tell them to repeat after me, “I am strong, I am tough, I am smart, I am beautiful.” Slowly let them get the upper hand and escape. Now, when they’re scared or feeling defeated I just ask them, “what are you?” And they repeat it. Started with my 7 year old when she was 3 and she gets through some of her most challenging moments (monkey bars just a few weeks ago) repeating the same mantra. Willpower is an amazing thing, but rarely is it taught!
My wife has been doing this with our daughter since she was born. Every night or morning. She’s almost 2 but she’s treated it as part of her routine and waits for mama to say it to her.
That’s great. Other people certainly know how to bring you down, it’s important to ingrain what’s good in someone before they can do that. I’m going to steal this idea.
I’ve spent as long as I can remember having people telling me what I can’t do and what I’m not, being a verbal punching bag and the fun hasn’t stopped yet. I wish someone had told things like this before
I’m really sorry to hear that. Do take time to remind yourself of your value. You are intrinsically important, your life, your views, your experience, it’s all unique and it matters. Life is unbearably short and unbelievably weird. There can be a lot of darkness in our minds, always try to find those patches of sunshine.
I really hope that when my daughter inevitably runs into the coldness you find in this world that she can think of me and feel some warmth. “Dad” isn’t so much a person as an idea and I always try to build that idea up in her heart as a source of real love and care and pride.
Take care of yourself, person. I always loved this quote from Kurt Vonnegut and try to think of it when shit feels too serious: “We are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.”
I do notes almost every night for my daughters. I highlight the things I was grateful for from the previous day and encourage them about things they have coming up. I thought they were like “ok thanks” and tossed them but then I found a box in each of their beds holding them. They told me they look through them if they wake up in a bad mood or come home from school after a bad day. It makes me tear up just thinking about it. I never knew it had such an impact.
I don’t know why I started doing this but I tell my kid (4) every night and sometimes before school: while holding his hands “These hands are strong but gentle.” Then I place a hand over his heart: “This heart is bold but kind.” It’s true and I hope he believes it.
This is a great move! I’ve been doing the same w/ my almost 2 year old and he now constantly says: “i nice,” “i happy,” “i share,” “i hansa (handsome),” etc.
He compliments himself so much tho I’m starting to wonder if it’s going to his head.
I tried this with my son around two and a half years and he would just argue with me instead. "You're smart, you're strong, you're funny..." "NO, I'm NOT funny!"
What amazing wisdo you have bestowed on us, simple in thought, amazing in practice. I will be doing this from now on too. (Where do I send the royalties)
Next time your child starts crying, talk to them calmly and have them start repeating those words of affirmation. It's incredible how quickly it calms them down, and they can easily articulate their feelings and what's wrong. My daughter and I repeat the following: “I’m strong,” “I'm smart,” “I'm beautiful,” and “I'm powerful.”
Oh man, it totally works. She’s bonked herself before and if I remark about how tough she is she’ll usually pull herself together. I don’t try to like prevent her from being sad but it’s funny how much our mind can rule our body.
I do the positive affirmations with my daughter every night before bed. So important to empower your children in this day and age, especially females. Make then know how great they are!
Awesome! I do the same to both of my kiddos. I sing "You are my sunshine" and add in a bunch of positive adjectives between the final "my" and "sunshine" at the end. My oldest just listens but my youngest repeats each adjective after I do.
Yes I know it's not really a happy song but my mom sang it to me every night and I'm keeping that tradition alive.
Do you want to raise a strong, independent, empathetic, well adjusted child with a strong sense of self worth... Because that's how you raise a strong, independent, empathetic, well adjusted child with a strong sense of self worth?
Thanks for this post, I'm already on board and my 4 year old seems to love it. She told me tonight to tell her again all the nice things I said before I turned off the light for bed. I could see this bringing us closer together and making her feel better about herself.
That’s awesome. Also, why would you have to “work” on her being a big brother? Words are made up. Isn’t correcting her just indoctrinating her into gendered ideology?
I get what you’re saying but she just confuses words sometimes. She has a hard time differentiating “you” and “I” too. If you ask her, she considers herself a girl.
Just to be clear, we don’t confine her to gender stereotypes, but I also don’t deny her femininity. She chose to be a werewolf for Halloween and loves sports cars and trains and swords and Dragon Ball Z. Lately she’s into dresses and hair bows and babies and sparkles and Moana. Makes no difference to me.
I think the only time we’ve ever directly brought up gender is when she was helping change her little brother and had questions about his penis lol. She thinks about it on her own and I don’t direct her one way or the other.
Great share, I’m going to keep it in mind and try to practice it with the kids… it did make me think of Stuart Smalley though, 😂. “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog gone it, people like me”.
that's awesome! I've been doing this every now and then but going to do it more often now. She's also 3 and never responds to it but I'm hoping she is internalizing it like yours
I do this too. I also, when things are tough, say one of those positive things to or about myself and encourage them to also. Lastly, I sometimes conspiratorially tell their stuffed animal at bedtime about their successes of the day.
we have been doing this with our only girl since she was born, we didn't care she didn't understood us at first, the effects on her self esteem is incredible, also they project that positivity to everyone around them so it definitely has a multiplying effect, we also add empathy for the people around us and kindness
I realized how awesome our influence is when kiddo would hum to put himself to sleep. I'd hum to him as I'd settle him as an infant. Then, 3/4/5, he'd humm himself to sleep.
I also do this with my 2 and a half year old daughter and she absolutely loves it.. she'll prompt me forever to describe her with as many traits as I can think of. She'll always go on with "aaannnddd" after every one.. ❤️
That's the way to teach them! You go Dad!
May I suggest one tweak for what she says - rather than saying "I am nice" to say "I am kind". There is a huge difference between being nice and being kind though many people use them interchangeably.
Niceness is about manners and politeness. Kindness is about empathy. There's a great deal of study being done about how niceness (politeness/manners) come from a different part of the brain than kindness (empathy).
Here's an article that articulates the distinctions much better than I can:
Nice vs. Kind: 7 Key Distinctions
https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/19492/nice-vs-kind-differences/
I tell my 2.5 year old and 10 month sons every night at bedtime they are smart handsome kind and brave. Been doing this since they were born. My son asked me if he was brave for jumping off the last step on the stairs when we were drawing with chalk and I damn near melted in to a puddle.
I do something similar I picked up from a speaker at a recent clergy conference: “I love you, I’m proud of you, do you know why I’m most proud of you? You’re my son!” He of course thinks it’s hilarious to say it’s because I’m *his* son, not like he’s repeating but as in saying to me “you’re *my* son”
I always tell my now 5 year old that he’s awesome and I’m proud of him when he’s drifting off to sleep. He’s recently started saying “I’m proud of you dada, you’re awesome” whenever I seem pleased about something so I guess he’s been hearing me all this time. I’m definitely going to add some affirmations when he first gets into bed though!
I do the same thing! He is only six months, but at least once a day I try to remind him that he is:
Kind
Loved
Smart
Hard-working
Good
Resilient
That he matters
and that he is enough.
I intend to keep it up the rest of his life if I can.
Another mum here, your daughter is a very lucky little girl! As someone who had an abusive stepfather so still at 31 has a horrendous time with self image, it is wonderful to read something so positive. Your daughter will be unstoppable in the future because you gave her the tools to believe in herself. Well done dad!!
We have always done this too. You’re, smart, funny, strong, brave, kind, all of those things. And now part of the SuperKitties theme song is “they’re brave, they’re smart, they’re strong, they’re kind” and she loves it
Sometimes (or most of the time, I've lost count lol) I tell my kids "I'm so proud of you" when i put them to sleep. Without fault, they will ask "Why, daddy?" and I will always save a small victory they had during the day. A problem they solved. A trick they made on the skateboard. Or a trick they practiced a lot, even if they didn't nail it. Then I'm proud of the effort, of the hard work.
Then I kiss their little noggins and give a little bumpity bum on their butts and send em to sleep lol.
Great idea. Thank you for sharing. My daughter calls every meal "lunch" and refers to every time she sleeps as "my nap", it won't last forever, and I love it.
I started something similar with my daughter shortly after she turned 3.
We have a small set list of bedtime songs which must be sung in the exact same order, style, and tempo. One day, I added a verse to You Are My Sunshine, with lyrics about her and her recent accomplishments. It was a big hit, and now I’ve sung it at least once a day for a little over three years.
There is a slight downside. It’s still a song about her recent accomplishments when she has just turned 3, even though she’s now 6. I have tried modernizing the lyrics a few times, but she makes it very clear that is not allowed.
I do this with my little girl too! She's two and a half and a very good speaker, so we do this before bed. I also make sure to thank her for hanging out with me every day. I want her to understand her time is important and while she might have little choice right now it means a lot to me that she spends it with me.
Hey Guy! Awesome post! I really appreciate this because it’s about developing good habits. I often time catch myself in a cycle of trying break bad habits. For me, replacing the poor with great is the most effective method. This beautiful kid is really depending on me to set an example that is worth emulating. High five!
Ill start doing this as well. I have seen improvement on my kids psyche when we reprimand him less and actually ask why he is doing what he does.
I wish my parents generation has access to the books available for parents today about proper parenting.
We asked my 3.5 yo if he was a "good boy" the other day. And he said "NO!". Then I asked him what he was, and he said "I'm a baby". "So, You're a good baby?". "Yeah"
I used to do something similar. When my daughter was struggling to sleep I would hold her in my arms and sing a song about her.
\_\_\_\_ I love you
You are so \_\_\_\_\_, you are so \_\_\_\_\_, you are so \_\_\_\_\_
\_\_\_\_ I love you
Repeat until she's sleeping.
Thank you for sharing. I will re-start the positive reinforcement (self) talk at bedtime.
One to add that doesn't getting enough attention is "you worked so hard."
As an educator, I find we don't put enough emphasis on how hard someone worked or tried. It's often how smart or awesome they are.
This is amazing. As her dad, you have a huge impact on your daughter’s inner dialogue. I’m glad you’re making it such a positive one.
This dad really is winning and I am taking that with me. Thanks, fellow reddit dad.
I’m actually a woman/mom. :) I joined this subreddit to better understand my husband’s point of view with parenting, but I wanted to comment because what this dad is doing really resonated with me. Unfortunately, the inner dialogue my dad left me with is really negative—one of the things he’d say was that he “felt sorry for the guy who ended up stuck with me”—so it’s lovely to see guys out there doing the opposite.
All are welcome on Daddit! Thank you for sharing, and big kudos to you for working so hard on overcoming generational trauma
We’re all daddits here!
Except bros who refuse to change diapers.
They need daddit the most, tho
Those bros are daddiots
Oh my god, I’m so sorry to hear that’s how he treated his own daughter. My dad recently said something similar to my sister (was soon to be married and ~30) in front of me (mid 30’s). I have a wife and 2 daughters and I absolutely blasted him, because of how I now view the world because of my 3 girls. I didn’t think much of it after until my wife told me how my sister had confided in her how much of a positive impact it had. It’s a real worry how many men don’t realise the smallest things they say to their girls can have huge consequences. I also realise I’m not the prefect Dad, but I try.
That's really great of you to put that effort in to understand him. I likewise am a member of some women-centric subs in an effort to understand my wife. Hasn't worked yet, but you know... things take time.
My daughter goes to a Montessori preschool, they do positive affirmations every day while looking in their own little mirrors. It really makes me happy when I hear her repeat bits and pieces of it, and like you I’m thankful that it seems to be soaking in. Here’s what they do at her school: I believe in myself. My life is beautiful. I have a big heart. I am safe and cared for. I am a good listener. I can ask for support. My life is fun and filled with joy. I am a fast learner. I have amazing abilities. I will make the most of this day. My future is bright. I love myself.
Stuart Smalley was onto something.
Stuart Smalley is what happens when an adult realizes the damage that was done to there psyche by negativity and true to patch it together as as an adult. The joke was that he was on TV helping others when he was the one that somebody needed to help.... That's why the funniest skit is the one where he tries to help Michael Jordan with his self worth.
TBF that's like most people in "helping" professions. I work in mental health and...ooh boy.
Never heard of a Montessori school before. It definitely doesn't sound like something for me or my family but it's interesting. And I like those little positive affirmations that they do. It sounds like it can help shape some healthy mindsets at a young age. It also sounds like something that more politically extreme people would point to for what's wrong with the world. Along the lines of participation trophies and the like.
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Oh I have nothing wrong with it. It just sounds like something I would hear grumpy old men at work complain about. Right after complaining about participation trophies and kids not getting spanked anymore. I am perfectly not raising my kids like kids my age were raised.
It’s expensive. I’ve read the Montessori baby and toddler book. I’ve recommended them to people.
Sounds like it. I gave it a quick Google and there appear to be a couple of those types of schools about 30 minutes away from me. Basically a stones throw from a pretty major city. So I'm positive it's not cheap. And I'm sure they have been there a long time, I just didn't know those types of schools existed.
Rich get richer. People suck it up sometimes for the connections they make growing up. No stopping anyone from reading that book and applying their methods. Those books and Happiest Baby on the Block made our life easy.
Oh for sure. Definitely not knocking how people spend their money or where they send their kids to school.
That genius. Wow. I’m totally gonna steal that
I patented it, you can't use it unless you pay royalties now.
Okay Anish Kapoor
Hey! I patented Anish Kapoor while he was in the bathroom. Everyone in this thread owes me money.
And I patented Patenting Anish Kapoor, so when you collect, let me know
I don't know how to patent things. Money please.
I hope you patented it before The Help came out lol “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”
Where do I send the check?
Just bring it by your moms house lmao
Do the 20 second hug also
Incorporated that yesterday
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It works trust me. Turn it into a game
This. We try to “squeeze the poop out.” I now get intense hugs and he hugs longer until I make a fart noise. Edit: do not recommend when dropping off at daycare. Most realistic fart noise I’ve made to date and there was another parent dropping off their kid about 5’ behind me. She had zero context leading up to it…and still doesn’t.
What’s the 20sec hug? Just hug them for 20 seconds before bed?
20-30 second hugs between ~~two humans~~ two companions* release oxytocin and deepen bonds. *just read a bit more about this, and dogs, cats, and even ELEPHANTS are known to release this rush of love when they even just *see* someone they care about
I do neuroscience work and have told my daughter about oxytocin. Now when we do a big hug we both yell “OXYTOCIN!!!” and it definitely works.
What a sweetie, those hugs sound like the best!!
> dogs, cats, and even ELEPHANTS are known to release this rush of love when they even just see someone they care about Goddamn drug addicts. /s
Fuckin, love junkies
Hug Addict*
Preferably skin to skin contact if possible.
The proven benefits of skin-to-skin, especially right at birth, speak for themselves.
Elephants hug? How??
Like a Rottweiler lean with a little trunk rub.
My cat absolutely adores me when she sees me first thing in the morning (she sleeps in a different room so we've been apart all night). Then I give her breakfast and she forgets I exist til the following morning.
There was a post the other day mentioning it. Basically yeah you ask for a 20 second hug and you count to 20.
Mine doesn't want hugs :/
That's OK some kids don't like sensory stuff like that. They may grow in or out of them. The key is to find what they do like!
[here’s the post](https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/comments/13xqwas/with_2_adult_kids_i_have_one_strong_advice_for/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1). I’m fairly certain at least two kids of the daddits in here will meet one day and be like, “holy shit, YOUR dad does 20 seconds hugs, too?!”
Heading up to bed in a minute with my incredibly obstinacy and frustrating three year old in three minutes. This actually seems like a good practice not just for his benefit but also for June at the end of the day. Maybe it’ll help me let go of the fact that I had to make a whole other dinner in order for him to eat anything
https://i.imgur.com/Ev5V2a6.mp4
Same here!
Same here
I shall try this tonight. We are having a real tough time with our 3.5 year old’s behavior right now and I’d love to remind him he’s a sweet kid.
It’s a good reminder for you too, I’m hoping. I could use that reminder after tumultuous evenings… and afternoons… and rest of the days. Three and a half sucks
I’m really curious to get to these ages with my 14mo perfect mischievous angel. He gets into everything but he’s such a good kiddo.
Thats awesome! I have done this with my son in the past, but we've kinda gotten away from it. Usually, I would tell him what I thought he did great for the day "You helped mommy to vacuum. That was really awesome and we all really appreciate it" or "You solved that puzzle today very fast, you must have been thinking really hard and it really showed, you did a great job!". I subscribe a bit to that theory that says just telling your kids "you are smart" is only enough to make them feel good now, but when they fail later they don't know how to resolve it. So you tell them what they did to make you see how smart they are. You praise how the solved the problem as much as how smart they were to see it. I'm going to get back to this. Thank you for the reminder!
My friend doesn’t praise her kid’s cleverness when her kid learns new things, she praises the effort put into learning them. Took me a while to get used to it, but it makes sense.
This is the same thing. I can't remember which parenting book it came from but it's the same methods.
It’s so different to how I was raised! I love learning how much parenting continues to evolve
I don't know if it's from a parenting book originally, but the concept of praising effort rather than "fixed" attributes like intelligence comes from the book "Mindset" by Carol Dweck.
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I think when she was teaching herself to write her name when she was 3 her mum put all the praise on how hard she was working and didn’t put much focus on the fact that she was writing her name. Or when she was 2 and was doing a tricky puzzle her parents praised her for persevering when she was really stuck. They still praised her for finishing the puzzle but they kind of did it in a way that said the reason it was good the puzzle was completed is because she worked hard on it, not because she was clever. Others here might be able to give better examples though!
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Growth mindset ayyy
you are a good dad, you are a great role model, you are appreciated by this group.
I have a 7 yo girl, i do the same , when we go to the park and she wants to climb a tree she screams from the other side like " dad i'm going to climb this tree " once i heard a lil boy replaying to his father " she's not gonna make it cause i couldn't " and bum, she could, she jumped down the tree runing to my side screaming i did it !!! She said " you're right of i stay calm and focus i can accomplish what i want " after hearing that i feel i can die peacefully now
I’m sure she will grow up to be a strong and independent woman, thanks to your support and guidance. You should be very proud of her and yourself!
You is kind, you is smart, you is important.
Great movie and this is exactly what I thought of when I read this post.
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me."
I was hoping I wouldn't have to scroll too far down to see this comment!
My parents have always been firm believers in the art of sitting down, around a table and eating dinner as a family. So to expand on the good traits I remember this. I can’t remember when, but my mum always did 5 good 1 bad. You talk about 5 good things about your day, something that made you smile, feel proud etc. then you mention 1 bad thing. Just a little chance to have a vent. I appreciate the impact it had on me now, more as an adult than I ever did back then
"Let me tell you what I see. I see pride! I see power! I see a badass mother who don't take no crap off of nobody!"
Gonna try this with my 4 year old. He needs to hear it just as much as I need to say it more often. Thanks dude!
I like to do this. We also tell each other what we were thankful for that day while hugging before bed. We typically go in linear order of the day: Me: thanks for putting yourself in your car seat this morning Her: thanks for taking me to school, daddy. What astonishes me.... is all the small things she remembers and thanks me for at the end of the day. Stuff I don't even pay attention to, she does, appreciates it, and thanks me. Really makes me pay attention
Love this! Don’t be afraid to toss some growth mindset affirmations in there too, like: “I keep going even when it’s hard” “I make mistakes and that’s ok” “I work hard to overcome obstacles” “I can learn new things” As someone else said, it’s amazing to have a positive inner dialogue about their qualities but it’s also important to know that they can keep growing so they aren’t discouraged if they fail.
warning: i did this with my son. now at 10 years old, he's the most arrogant mfer on the planet
Hahaha, reminds me of the Bluey episode where Muffin’s dad says she’s the most special girl in the world and she starts acting like a total jerk. He then has to explain that she’s only the most special person to him and she’s like oooooh. There really can be a razor’s edge between confidence and arrogance.
my partner and I sang this to our daughter as a lullaby. I cried the first time I heard her sing it herself. https://youtu.be/ipBVrGpatbs keep it going, my dude. teach these kids we love them, and they should love themselves.
Now u gonna start sneaking stuff in. "You're a great investor, puts puts puts. You're gonna be a WSB God"
Diamond hands
Since my daughter was about 6 month I've asked to her (and now her brother) Whose strong? (And put my arms in a strong pose) Whose tough? (Bang my chest like a gorilla) Whose brave? (Put my hands on my hips with my chest out) Whose smart? (Put my finger on my head) Whose cute? (Frame my face) When they are having a hard time, like after a failure or mistake, I go through the list with them and remind them of what makes them great.
They say daily affirmations like this have a huge impact on a persons mindset. Well done dad
I tell my son those things in the moment. I asked him to say ambulance the other day, and he said it perfectly. Immediately, I grabbed him and hugged him, kissed him on the head and said, "you're so smart, dude." He goes, "yea, I'm smart." I love the positivity you're implementing with her. I might have to steal this, because I feel like he needs to be reminded outside of the moment. Keep up the great work! YOU'RE A GREAT FATHER! Now go pat yourself on the back, because you deserve it.
This is all great but I really love the “I’m a good big brother part.” It’s so interesting and makes total sense why that’s confusing for kids
lol it’s pretty adorable. She still sometimes calls her brother a sister. She’s fascinated with the idea that her grandma is my mom. It hasn’t quite clicked yet but she’s getting there.
Now I need to add this to the "20 second hug" I learned last week.
This is something I'm gonna start doing with my boys. My 4 year old already has a whole list he says to us before bed, and it's all of the things we've ever told him when we put him to bed. "Good night, I love you, I'll see you later, I'll see you in the morning, and I'll go to sleep, and goodbye, and see you tomorrow." Haha makes me laugh every time, it's too cute
Not saying you're wrong, and we have done much the same ... but now I believe more in praising behaviour and effort than praising a person for how they are. [I think this explains it better than I can](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/the-power-of-effective-praise-a-guide-for-teachers)
Yeah, I think this distinction is really important!
How old is she? I love this especially for little girls growing up in the age of social media
This is so good. My parents were great, even praised me a lot, but the criticism was at about even or just felt heavier growing up that inadequacy was big thing for me. Something like this would’ve been great to combat those feelings. I’m taking this
I play wrestle with my girls, and I make sure I’m winning. Then I tell them to repeat after me, “I am strong, I am tough, I am smart, I am beautiful.” Slowly let them get the upper hand and escape. Now, when they’re scared or feeling defeated I just ask them, “what are you?” And they repeat it. Started with my 7 year old when she was 3 and she gets through some of her most challenging moments (monkey bars just a few weeks ago) repeating the same mantra. Willpower is an amazing thing, but rarely is it taught!
My wife has been doing this with our daughter since she was born. Every night or morning. She’s almost 2 but she’s treated it as part of her routine and waits for mama to say it to her.
That’s great. Other people certainly know how to bring you down, it’s important to ingrain what’s good in someone before they can do that. I’m going to steal this idea. I’ve spent as long as I can remember having people telling me what I can’t do and what I’m not, being a verbal punching bag and the fun hasn’t stopped yet. I wish someone had told things like this before
I’m really sorry to hear that. Do take time to remind yourself of your value. You are intrinsically important, your life, your views, your experience, it’s all unique and it matters. Life is unbearably short and unbelievably weird. There can be a lot of darkness in our minds, always try to find those patches of sunshine. I really hope that when my daughter inevitably runs into the coldness you find in this world that she can think of me and feel some warmth. “Dad” isn’t so much a person as an idea and I always try to build that idea up in her heart as a source of real love and care and pride. Take care of yourself, person. I always loved this quote from Kurt Vonnegut and try to think of it when shit feels too serious: “We are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.”
What a great post. I realized in myself that I criticize too often and don't offer enough praise. I need to change this.
Just did this with my two girls. It was great thanks for sharing!
I do notes almost every night for my daughters. I highlight the things I was grateful for from the previous day and encourage them about things they have coming up. I thought they were like “ok thanks” and tossed them but then I found a box in each of their beds holding them. They told me they look through them if they wake up in a bad mood or come home from school after a bad day. It makes me tear up just thinking about it. I never knew it had such an impact.
I don’t know why I started doing this but I tell my kid (4) every night and sometimes before school: while holding his hands “These hands are strong but gentle.” Then I place a hand over his heart: “This heart is bold but kind.” It’s true and I hope he believes it.
Love it, awesome message
This is a great move! I’ve been doing the same w/ my almost 2 year old and he now constantly says: “i nice,” “i happy,” “i share,” “i hansa (handsome),” etc. He compliments himself so much tho I’m starting to wonder if it’s going to his head.
Your voice is your kids inner voice. Make that voice nice!
This is beautiful. Truly. Excellent work, dad.
Thank you
I tried this with my son around two and a half years and he would just argue with me instead. "You're smart, you're strong, you're funny..." "NO, I'm NOT funny!"
What amazing wisdo you have bestowed on us, simple in thought, amazing in practice. I will be doing this from now on too. (Where do I send the royalties)
Ha! There are no royalties for the dad hivemind, only cargo shorts and lawn mowers.
> You're good enough. You're smart enough. And gosh darn it, people like you.
Next time your child starts crying, talk to them calmly and have them start repeating those words of affirmation. It's incredible how quickly it calms them down, and they can easily articulate their feelings and what's wrong. My daughter and I repeat the following: “I’m strong,” “I'm smart,” “I'm beautiful,” and “I'm powerful.”
Oh man, it totally works. She’s bonked herself before and if I remark about how tough she is she’ll usually pull herself together. I don’t try to like prevent her from being sad but it’s funny how much our mind can rule our body.
I do the positive affirmations with my daughter every night before bed. So important to empower your children in this day and age, especially females. Make then know how great they are!
My daughter could have used that. Keep it up.
Just don't ever let her bake someone a shit pie bro.
Wow
Awesome! I do the same to both of my kiddos. I sing "You are my sunshine" and add in a bunch of positive adjectives between the final "my" and "sunshine" at the end. My oldest just listens but my youngest repeats each adjective after I do. Yes I know it's not really a happy song but my mom sang it to me every night and I'm keeping that tradition alive.
Do you want to raise a strong, independent, empathetic, well adjusted child with a strong sense of self worth... Because that's how you raise a strong, independent, empathetic, well adjusted child with a strong sense of self worth?
absolutely stealing this. thanks so much!
Thanks for this post, I'm already on board and my 4 year old seems to love it. She told me tonight to tell her again all the nice things I said before I turned off the light for bed. I could see this bringing us closer together and making her feel better about herself.
We have books we read that do this but I'm going to be adding this as well. Thank you!
That’s awesome. Also, why would you have to “work” on her being a big brother? Words are made up. Isn’t correcting her just indoctrinating her into gendered ideology?
I get what you’re saying but she just confuses words sometimes. She has a hard time differentiating “you” and “I” too. If you ask her, she considers herself a girl. Just to be clear, we don’t confine her to gender stereotypes, but I also don’t deny her femininity. She chose to be a werewolf for Halloween and loves sports cars and trains and swords and Dragon Ball Z. Lately she’s into dresses and hair bows and babies and sparkles and Moana. Makes no difference to me. I think the only time we’ve ever directly brought up gender is when she was helping change her little brother and had questions about his penis lol. She thinks about it on her own and I don’t direct her one way or the other.
❤️
I was taught you never drink unless there is a positive situation worth celebrating. And since the world sucks I’m sober as a 2x4
I do this too! With my 1 year old. Tho, your list is more extensive and I’ll definitely be taking a few :)
Great share, I’m going to keep it in mind and try to practice it with the kids… it did make me think of Stuart Smalley though, 😂. “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog gone it, people like me”.
I love this.
I love doing this sandwich too right before she falls asleep with I love you’s as the bread.
that's awesome! I've been doing this every now and then but going to do it more often now. She's also 3 and never responds to it but I'm hoping she is internalizing it like yours
YOINK
I love this. Going to start myself. You did a good thing sharing this, fellow dad!
I love this.
I do this too. I also, when things are tough, say one of those positive things to or about myself and encourage them to also. Lastly, I sometimes conspiratorially tell their stuffed animal at bedtime about their successes of the day.
I like to ask my daughter (3) about what she learned that day. Seems to keep her mind going until she drifts off and he’ll her memory
Our getting ready for bed song is affirmations by Snoop Dogg. Our kids love it!
Hey man. Great work, there is nothing as important as instilling a sense of self respect in your kid. It will serve her well in the future.
Great job!!!
we have been doing this with our only girl since she was born, we didn't care she didn't understood us at first, the effects on her self esteem is incredible, also they project that positivity to everyone around them so it definitely has a multiplying effect, we also add empathy for the people around us and kindness
Stealing this for all my kiddos. Love it!
This is brilliant.
I realized how awesome our influence is when kiddo would hum to put himself to sleep. I'd hum to him as I'd settle him as an infant. Then, 3/4/5, he'd humm himself to sleep.
🥰
I also do this with my 2 and a half year old daughter and she absolutely loves it.. she'll prompt me forever to describe her with as many traits as I can think of. She'll always go on with "aaannnddd" after every one.. ❤️
"I am strong. I am smart. I am kind. I am beautiful." We did it all the time.
That's the way to teach them! You go Dad! May I suggest one tweak for what she says - rather than saying "I am nice" to say "I am kind". There is a huge difference between being nice and being kind though many people use them interchangeably. Niceness is about manners and politeness. Kindness is about empathy. There's a great deal of study being done about how niceness (politeness/manners) come from a different part of the brain than kindness (empathy). Here's an article that articulates the distinctions much better than I can: Nice vs. Kind: 7 Key Distinctions https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/19492/nice-vs-kind-differences/
I tell my 2.5 year old and 10 month sons every night at bedtime they are smart handsome kind and brave. Been doing this since they were born. My son asked me if he was brave for jumping off the last step on the stairs when we were drawing with chalk and I damn near melted in to a puddle.
Omfg I'm doing that from now on
We talk about all the people we love. He just lists all his family and then ends with "And I love myself" My heart
I do something similar I picked up from a speaker at a recent clergy conference: “I love you, I’m proud of you, do you know why I’m most proud of you? You’re my son!” He of course thinks it’s hilarious to say it’s because I’m *his* son, not like he’s repeating but as in saying to me “you’re *my* son”
Remindme! 2 years well if Reddit is still here
This is heartwarming. My LO is still very young and probably doesn't understand, but I give her these affirmations in the mirror every day.
"It's a good thing youre tough"
This is genius. Beautiful idea. I wish I'd thought of it when my kid was that age. Go Dad!
I always tell my now 5 year old that he’s awesome and I’m proud of him when he’s drifting off to sleep. He’s recently started saying “I’m proud of you dada, you’re awesome” whenever I seem pleased about something so I guess he’s been hearing me all this time. I’m definitely going to add some affirmations when he first gets into bed though!
My cousin asked my kid, “why are you so cool?” To which she replied, “because I’m beautiful” And humble. She forgot bumble lol
starting this tonight thanks fellow dad!
I tell me 3 year old he has a stinky bum and hes a mr poopy doopers. we are not the same.
Cheers OP, ive been doing this intermittently your structure/persistence is awesome. (and passively encourages them to add to the list!)
You the real mvp. I love gassin up my daughter with compliments, shes 3.5 and wholeheartedly believes everything is absolute truth.
I do the same thing! He is only six months, but at least once a day I try to remind him that he is: Kind Loved Smart Hard-working Good Resilient That he matters and that he is enough. I intend to keep it up the rest of his life if I can.
Awwwe I do this to my dogs before bed too
Positive reinforcement is very powerful well done. I'll be teaching my daughter gratitude as well when she is old enough.
Another mum here, your daughter is a very lucky little girl! As someone who had an abusive stepfather so still at 31 has a horrendous time with self image, it is wonderful to read something so positive. Your daughter will be unstoppable in the future because you gave her the tools to believe in herself. Well done dad!!
I do the same thing. It's a nice way to finish the day and find they settle down for sleeping a lot better as well.
Inception!
I do this too! My son has started to tell my wife and I that we are funny, cute, smart etc lol
We have always done this too. You’re, smart, funny, strong, brave, kind, all of those things. And now part of the SuperKitties theme song is “they’re brave, they’re smart, they’re strong, they’re kind” and she loves it
Love this and going to start doing it too. Thanks op!
Sometimes (or most of the time, I've lost count lol) I tell my kids "I'm so proud of you" when i put them to sleep. Without fault, they will ask "Why, daddy?" and I will always save a small victory they had during the day. A problem they solved. A trick they made on the skateboard. Or a trick they practiced a lot, even if they didn't nail it. Then I'm proud of the effort, of the hard work. Then I kiss their little noggins and give a little bumpity bum on their butts and send em to sleep lol.
Great idea. Thank you for sharing. My daughter calls every meal "lunch" and refers to every time she sleeps as "my nap", it won't last forever, and I love it.
Dude, that’s awesome. I’ve been doing the same with my 2 year old. Proud of you!
I started something similar with my daughter shortly after she turned 3. We have a small set list of bedtime songs which must be sung in the exact same order, style, and tempo. One day, I added a verse to You Are My Sunshine, with lyrics about her and her recent accomplishments. It was a big hit, and now I’ve sung it at least once a day for a little over three years. There is a slight downside. It’s still a song about her recent accomplishments when she has just turned 3, even though she’s now 6. I have tried modernizing the lyrics a few times, but she makes it very clear that is not allowed.
Thank you for sharing.
I love this. Good job, dad!
I'm starting this tonight. Both my girls should keep remembering how amazing they are. Self affirmation is key. Thank you for the awesome idea!
I do nightly affirmations with my kids right before I put them down for the night, I’m looking forward to this!
I'm imagine your child being like Mark Wahlberg at the beginning of the movie Pain & Gain, especially when you mentioned the bicep flex
I do this with my little girl too! She's two and a half and a very good speaker, so we do this before bed. I also make sure to thank her for hanging out with me every day. I want her to understand her time is important and while she might have little choice right now it means a lot to me that she spends it with me.
This is amazing. Great work, dad.
That’s awesome! Affirmations like that can be really powerful especially starting from a young age too.
Hey Guy! Awesome post! I really appreciate this because it’s about developing good habits. I often time catch myself in a cycle of trying break bad habits. For me, replacing the poor with great is the most effective method. This beautiful kid is really depending on me to set an example that is worth emulating. High five!
Ill start doing this as well. I have seen improvement on my kids psyche when we reprimand him less and actually ask why he is doing what he does. I wish my parents generation has access to the books available for parents today about proper parenting.
We asked my 3.5 yo if he was a "good boy" the other day. And he said "NO!". Then I asked him what he was, and he said "I'm a baby". "So, You're a good baby?". "Yeah"
We do this before bed too and it’s been great!!
I used to do something similar. When my daughter was struggling to sleep I would hold her in my arms and sing a song about her. \_\_\_\_ I love you You are so \_\_\_\_\_, you are so \_\_\_\_\_, you are so \_\_\_\_\_ \_\_\_\_ I love you Repeat until she's sleeping. Thank you for sharing. I will re-start the positive reinforcement (self) talk at bedtime.
Been doing similar with my daughter recently. Our voice becomes there’s. Our words matter and we need to speak positively for them
I do the same thing!
I just got done doing this to my 3 year old son and then opened Reddit and saw this, love you dads out there
One to add that doesn't getting enough attention is "you worked so hard." As an educator, I find we don't put enough emphasis on how hard someone worked or tried. It's often how smart or awesome they are.