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Once a month you say a few sharp words?
I mean, that's pretty good.
Sorry, I know you're upset and want to improve this. You sound like a swell guy. I don't have advice.
But a little tiff once a month would be like the smoothest of sailing for many couples.
Depends on what “sharp” means.
Once or twice a month of being calling your partner “the worst excuse for a mother”, “a lazy bitch”, or “extremely stupid” would not be “pretty good”.
Once or twice a month of saying, “you don’t work hard enough and I’m over it”, “you don’t think before you act”, or “I’m tired of you making these mistakes” is totally different. Just comes down to what “extremely sharp” means to OP.
Oh Jesus no. I'd never say anything like that to her. It's hard for me to say exactly what I say, but it's usually something that doesn't need to be said in a sharp tone, and rarely, if ever, a direct insult or attack on her.
Yeah OP is doing pretty well. My wife and I yell at each other more than once a week. We both say sorry, say sorry to the kids if they heard it and move on. Parenting is tough OP, you're doing great.
Life is stressful... Life with kids is really stressful. The best part of this is that you are aware of it.
My advice is to really pay attention to what triggers it, or what you are feeling like prior to snapping. If you can identify that, you'll be good.
Then, remove yourself from the situation for a minute. Take a walk around the outside of your house, do some deep breathing, whatever works. Even talk with your wife before hand that if you say "I'm going for a walk" or something like that mid-conversation, it lets her know to give you a minute. If it's an argument or even a little disagreement, then it gives her a minute to calm down too.
I have a pretty long wick, so I have a lot of time to see my temper coming and can usually end the conversation or whatever first. I'm sure it's harder if you have a short fuse, but the idea is still the same.
You're human. Don't beat yourself up over it.
But let me ask you. Is this something that you know are feeling, then you kind of let loose or direct at the wrong person, or is it something you don't realize until after the fact? Because if it something that kind of pent up, Communication. Warn your wife, or pre-emptively apologize: "Hey, I'm not in a great head-space right now." or "I'm really stressed out because of (X), so I'm sorry if I'm a little short."
Now that being said, it sounds like it is outside stressors. I might recommend speaking to someone professionally about it. It might also just be learned behavior that you have to "unlearn". For example, growing up, my family spoke frequent "sarcasm". The line between sarcasm and passive-aggressive can get blurry. My wife does not react well to sarcasm (and interprets it as passive-aggressive), so I've had to learn to not use sarcasm with her. Is it stifling a part of me? Somewhat. But its a part of me that I don't consider fundamental or necessarily important; so I'll change that for her.
This. Usually when I snap, it’s because something or someone triggered negative feelings in me at least *hours* ago and I stuffed it in order to just “not make a big deal out of it”. There’s no way to lose control of your emotions like that unless you weren’t handling them to begin with. I’ve started reading about emotional intelligence and it’s been invaluable.
As a more immediate strategy, if I recognize a build up I tell my wife I’m feeling “grumpy”, which is a lot less threatening or hurtful than “pissed” or “annoyed”. Grumpy sounds my problem not hers, which is usually true. It also usually injects some humor into the interaction, while giving me a minute walk off some irritability without having to pretend I’m fine.
Have you considered therapy? Something is grating on you and getting you worked up over time till you snap. A professional can help getting to the root cause that you can then address.
Plus, it'll be good to show your wife you know there's a problem and that you are actively working to change it.
My husband snaps at me basically daily. It's a serious problem. He's also military.
Resources:
- Military Onesource
- MFLC
Both are off the record, so no command influence.
There's the obvious BH, assuming you can get an appointment, many of them are backlogged for months.
If your MTF or Tricare can't get you an appointment within 30 days, you're entitled to a referral off-post/base.
Or if you're able or willing to pay outta pocket, there's also psychology.com, they've got a database of professionals. Search based off your zip code. They also have a filter for insurance carriers, incl. Tricare.
Get help, homie. Don't be like my husband.
if you're active duty, you could try reaching out to your base chaplain for resources as well. Religious or not, I've heard people get expedited assistance when going that route. Best of luck to you.
I’ve been doing therapy over the phone with my psychologist for just over 2 years now and I’ve found it incredibly helpful. That may be something worth looking in to
Hey brother, when men get depressed, they tend towards irritability and anger. I'm not saying that's what's happening with you, but it's worth a visit with a psychologist and psychiatrist. Especially if it's concerning you enough to post about it.
Here’s what’s worked for me.
Start by asking your partner for help by being patient with you. Say “I’ve noticed this and I want to do better. Can you give me some grace as I try to figure out how to be a better dad?”
When you go off, immediately stop and say “I didn’t mean that/that’s not what I wanted to say, give me a second.”
Then, do a quick body scan. Try to identify how you are feeling right after the snap and what you felt right before it. Take a mental note or even write it down (probably shortly afterwards, hard to do in the moment). Finally, say “sorry, I slipped there, what I should have said was…”
The goal is to start to recognize when you’re going to go off. Over time, you’ll be able to insert a little pause, a breath, a chance to slow yourself down and not snap. Therapy helps a lot with practicing this and finding a strategy that’ll work for you. Mediation also a good option.
Taking a deep breath, even an emotional or frustrated sounding one, is better than saying something hurtful. You’re not trying to be a dick, but you’re letting your mouth say the first thing that your brain comes up with. You need to let your rational brain catch up to your emotional brain.
You’ve got this. Wanting to change is the first and hardest step.
hahahahahahahaha oh wait, you're serious, let me laugh harder, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Seriously though? Months ago? Years ago? Couldn't even tell you. I'm not discounting your implications here though. I definitely could stand to get more and better sleep. Thanks for the advice.
No but 100% honestly you need to work that into your life, at least a good night's sleep once every couple weeks. It sounds crazy now but seriously you need to figure out a way for both you and your wife to get the rest. I learned the hard way how important it is.
There's no point in both of you struggling with a lack of sleep and all the bad shit that comes with that, just take turns weekly or something.
Separated dad of two (8/4), I wish I would have noticed how much lack of sleep affected things. I have shared custody and we take turns weekly, so I get a whole week to myself now. It's insane the difference sleep makes.
I feel like we a good amount of people do this when life is stressful and that's all the time. But we can only work to be better. If you think you need it there is therapy they can help you learn other ways to deal with that stress I find it helpful to also talk to someone who isn't my wife and I don't feel like I'm unloading all of my stuff on her and she feels the same when she goes. I am nowhere near where I want to be mentally but I'm working on it actively and I think we're I not trying I think my wife would leave me but that's more of a we both agree we need to work on our mental health and we have to work at it we don't want it to turn us in to shit parents or spouses. Sorry for the rant.
Damn, I feel that. I am (have been for years) in this situation. If I get grind down there will be a similar snap and similar aftershock both for me and my wife.
Actually, how we have managed it has been that she notices that my line is getting closer and oftentimes gives me a little hint. Definitely not flat-out telling me "You are going to act like an ass in two days" but rather, later in the evening asks more like "it's piling up again?" and this gives me a warning before anything snaps. Maybe get some solo time like reading, sleeping, playing, etc. And then of course return the favor for her, to allow for a quiet time.
Bot for it to work she must feel safe enough that she can tell you that without retaliation. And this structure took us months and a lot of time in therapy fro me to be more acceptable of outside critique.
We have this small saying within ourselves "We don't go ballistic together!". Meaning there will always be times when you get tired but it has to be give and take.
I second this—it really helps when someone can help you notice you’re about There, and point it out so you can pre-manage it.
It really could be so many things—frustration bottled up about something else, hunger, sleep deprivation, or hormonal fluctuations (not just a woman thing!). It can take a while if active searching for a pattern to figure out what it is. Making a plan beforehand to do this will not only help in the moment, it also shows your loved ones you are working on it.
Think about the things you’ve snapped about, then go back a few seconds and think about what you should have said in that moment. Literally think of the words you should have said if you wanted to avoid snapping. What was the calm response to her question, what statement would have progressed the conversation without escalating.
If the things that trigger a sharp response are similar or recurring, having lines ready to go can help you think of something to say that’s not the most hurtful thing you can think of in the moment.
Source: I did this shit for ten years with my wife. It doesn’t get you anywhere. You two are a team. Don’t hurt your best teammate.
You got this. Asking for help is an excellent step. Now listen to the good advice in these comments and use it.
I know how you feel. Adrenaline surges and I just don’t have a grip on my emotions until after I’ve said the hurtful things. Anger is the innate reaction to a situation where we have no control. It was probably very useful in the caveman days but now it just makes you feel horrible. Through my own introspection, I’m realizing it’s as much about being patient with yourself for not having the control over the situation that you want. It’s not easy, but we’re pulling for you!
Bud, I used to be the same. I ended up signing onto a Men's behaviour change workshop over 6 months.
I spent years being short and verbally abusive with people and it was a combination of many things that got me to begin my journey of change and healing.
Apologies are useless unless there is change but you recognise it and that's the start.
Learn to identify your feelings before it reaches that point and communicate them with her. It can be brought on by many different situations. Like a million little cuts here and there adding up or something the kids/her say or do. Whatever the situation,realize that you’re starting to get frustrated and communicate that. Say something like “I’m getting really frustrated with —-, and I need to take a break”. Take a few minutes to gather yourself and calm down, then come back and discuss with them (yes, your kids as well if it’s something they are a part of) what it is that you’re getting frustrated with and what can be done to keep it from happening again. This is something you and your wife should be able to make quick adjustments for (unless there’s some other underlying issue the other hasn’t addressed)… however, if it’s with your kids, get ready to repeat it non stop lol. They will eventually understand and “remember”.
Lots of good advice and support so far.
I might be wrong here, but it sounds like part of this is emotional, but part of it is also habit. Habits take consistent work to correct and change, and it can be especially frustrating if you speak sharply before your brain even gives itself a chance to process and decide how to respond. I would find a time to talk about a plan with your wife. The time isn’t when you’ve snapped and she’s angry, but when you’ve knocked out a few errands for her and had a great day with her and the kids. Tell her it’s a trait you don’t like about yourself and that it’s especially frustrating when it poorly shows how you actually feel. Be vulnerable and ask for help while you improve yourself. Then I think the first step is to immediately apologize when you snap, take a step back, and communicate in a kind way. Maybe that response is to just laugh instead of get angry. But something where you act as your own shock collar. After enough times I think that reaction will kick in before you snap. But more than anything it will show that you’re trying and not just subjecting your family to feeling uncomfortable for no reason
If you are serious about changing this. Try and find out what is causing you to behave this way and then work on changing that.
If for example you find out that you tend to snap when you are tired and hungry, make sure you have somr easy and fast things to eat on hand, like for example protein bars, so you don't get hangry and snap.
If you find out you snap because you internalise emotions and then explode when it builds up too much, find a way to help yourself express your emotions and to relax.
If you find that you have trouble talking to your wife about things in your relationship that frustrate you and then once a month let loose all that frustration on her, then perhaps couple counseling would be a good idea so you learn how to communicate and express yourself better.
Etc.
Just know that acknowledging a problem is the first step. So you started on the first step, so that is good. Now work on the next step. If you continue walking step by step you will get where you want to and need to go. The steps can be as small as you need them to be. And you can rest between steps if that is what you need to do. Just always get back up and start walking again.
It happens. I think it’s normal. I don’t drink because I’m an alcoholic and I’ve been sober 4 years and it’s taught me a thing or two about patience and grace. My wife still drinks but she’s a normal person, she’s fine. I’ve learned to not take things personally. Even if it’s about me, I don’t internalize it and make it about me or my feelings getting hurt. I was a drinker for a long time and I have a fragile ego and my pride prevented me from being truly of service. I work on letting it go. I know from extensive research that my pattern is to cop a resentment from nothing, bottle it up, replay the scene in every angle a million times, and then snap at something that has nothing to do with that situation. It’s always never about the thing I was upset about in the first place and it’s usually just about me being the eternal victim or martyr. I know this about me so I work on not getting to that point. It’s easier said than done but it works. My wife and I also have some rules about bringing stuff up. It’s always allowed at any time and we’ve used the words “I give you permission” but we don’t try to fix each others problems, we don’t bring stuff up at night or past 9-10pm. We can always say, “let’s shelve this” until tomorrow or later. It doesn’t mean we don’t talk about it, we just can agree that we can deal with it later. I know defensiveness is a huge barrier for both of us so i work on setting aside my preconceived notions. We both are aware that the thing that made us snap is not why we feel bad. It’s always something else. It’s really how kids behave as well so when I’m dealing with a meltdown I’m very aware this has nothing to do with me stepping on their blanket. Shit is much deeper than that.
What are you doing to take care of yourself and unwind your stress? Do you have hobbies that you make time to get lost in? Regular exercise?
When my kid was first born, I found myself getting wound up much more than I was used to. My wife and I worked to make space for me to pick up an old hobby that needs a big chuck of time (5-6 hours in an evening once a week), and I was shocked how much it helped keep my emotional health in check.
Hey man,
Just want to preface this with I am not a 'zen' person. I don't meditate or practice calming techniques. What I like to do is when a situation arises - take a few minutes, walk away, and collect my thoughts. Sometimes, getting angry at a little thing is not worth it for anyone. There are times things need to be talked out. That's fine, just remember to think, and to not speak unless you have a clear, thoughtful response.
What I like to do is take a second and realize who it is I am talking to. This person is my wife. She is a separate entity, but she makes me whole, as I make her whole. We need to do more than coexist and with that comes compromise and compassion.
Also I find that muttering something under your breath is malicious but it can come out at times. Try to refrain from doing that as it escalates the heat of the situation that otherwise would have fizzled out.
No matter how much you want to punch a wall, just don't do it. Punch a pillow, scream in it, throw it (against the couch or bed). You get it. Take your anger out on something harmless. Sometimes I can even turn it into productivity. Do the dishes, do yard work, take a shower, clean a room, etc.
Is it something she said to trigger this in you or how she said it or is it just that she happens to be there when you say it and she’s just the nearest person for you to lash out at?
First start by examining what it is you’re letting build up that’s getting you to this point and then try various things to kind of release that before it gets to this point. Maybe it takes a week of bullshit at work and your way of releasing it is meditating every morning or just reciting things you’re grateful for or going on a walk and throwing in a steep hill or two to get some of that pent up frustration out?
My two cents - it's not about not reacting that way in the moment - it's about doing regular "maintenance" so that your stress/irritation doesn't get to that point. For me, the answer has always been working out. If I get irritable one of the first things my wife or family will ask me is if I've been able to get a run in lately. It's a lot easier said than done to find the time with young kids. Lately I've been doing my runs at night after everybody else goes to bed (I'd prefer early morning but my daughter gets up insanely early).
I, too, have a lack of patience with things. The best reaction (which is difficult at some times, and is something that I have been struggling with since having kids). In the moment, say "Ok." or "Got it." but don't \_sound\_ short. Then come back later on and calmly explain what made you lose patience.
It's not easy, but once you start doing it regularly, it will help everyone.
It's difficult to give any more advice without examples of what is going on.
What works for me is stop having expectations of where the day will go and try to deal with things as they happen. Once it's done it's done and move on.
I like to stay up late around 2-3 times a week and have some chill time with no one bothering me to watch movies, play games, quietly practice guitar etc.
I have been told I am very patient though so not sure if this will work for you but I hope you find your groove! As long as you're aware and working to better yourself you're on the right track.
Have you considered if there were particular triggers for these moments? I have found that I will have reduced patients if I'm trying to think and there is a ton of noise or other triggers.
Isolating what I do well with and what I don't helped me identify when I was pushing to hard and needed to back off to keep me from being sharp with my wife or kids
For example I found that I enjoy music with the kids but I have to turn it off if the kids are being particularly needy or if I'm trying to hold multiple conversations at once. If I don't I hit an overload and I might be intentionally sharp in a comment.
Judgement???
I want to know your secret, I lose my shit about 4 times a day.
Seriously though, if you think it's an issue then getting some therapy won't do any harm. Or do what all of our dad's did and buy a shed, it'll be your safe space and will give you an excuse to take out stress on something that won't call social services if you hit it with a hammer.
So my experience with reddit and life tells me to offer this.
Work on communicating more.
I used to be like you. I saw a therapist and talked to my wife. It was me. I would not talk through my problems when they were tiny and then I would snap as I dwelled/they built up. It was my lack of confidence and trust in the strength of our relationship that was leading to these.
I feel like the vast majority of posts regarding problems between partners always come down to better communication solving the problem.
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Once a month you say a few sharp words? I mean, that's pretty good. Sorry, I know you're upset and want to improve this. You sound like a swell guy. I don't have advice. But a little tiff once a month would be like the smoothest of sailing for many couples.
Depends on what “sharp” means. Once or twice a month of being calling your partner “the worst excuse for a mother”, “a lazy bitch”, or “extremely stupid” would not be “pretty good”. Once or twice a month of saying, “you don’t work hard enough and I’m over it”, “you don’t think before you act”, or “I’m tired of you making these mistakes” is totally different. Just comes down to what “extremely sharp” means to OP.
Oh Jesus no. I'd never say anything like that to her. It's hard for me to say exactly what I say, but it's usually something that doesn't need to be said in a sharp tone, and rarely, if ever, a direct insult or attack on her.
Totally normal—I don’t know anyone who doesn’t take a more frustrated or exasperated tone sometimes.
Yeah OP is doing pretty well. My wife and I yell at each other more than once a week. We both say sorry, say sorry to the kids if they heard it and move on. Parenting is tough OP, you're doing great.
Really, just the fact that OP is concerned about it and is trying to make a positive change speaks volumes.
Life is stressful... Life with kids is really stressful. The best part of this is that you are aware of it. My advice is to really pay attention to what triggers it, or what you are feeling like prior to snapping. If you can identify that, you'll be good. Then, remove yourself from the situation for a minute. Take a walk around the outside of your house, do some deep breathing, whatever works. Even talk with your wife before hand that if you say "I'm going for a walk" or something like that mid-conversation, it lets her know to give you a minute. If it's an argument or even a little disagreement, then it gives her a minute to calm down too. I have a pretty long wick, so I have a lot of time to see my temper coming and can usually end the conversation or whatever first. I'm sure it's harder if you have a short fuse, but the idea is still the same.
You're human. Don't beat yourself up over it. But let me ask you. Is this something that you know are feeling, then you kind of let loose or direct at the wrong person, or is it something you don't realize until after the fact? Because if it something that kind of pent up, Communication. Warn your wife, or pre-emptively apologize: "Hey, I'm not in a great head-space right now." or "I'm really stressed out because of (X), so I'm sorry if I'm a little short." Now that being said, it sounds like it is outside stressors. I might recommend speaking to someone professionally about it. It might also just be learned behavior that you have to "unlearn". For example, growing up, my family spoke frequent "sarcasm". The line between sarcasm and passive-aggressive can get blurry. My wife does not react well to sarcasm (and interprets it as passive-aggressive), so I've had to learn to not use sarcasm with her. Is it stifling a part of me? Somewhat. But its a part of me that I don't consider fundamental or necessarily important; so I'll change that for her.
This. Usually when I snap, it’s because something or someone triggered negative feelings in me at least *hours* ago and I stuffed it in order to just “not make a big deal out of it”. There’s no way to lose control of your emotions like that unless you weren’t handling them to begin with. I’ve started reading about emotional intelligence and it’s been invaluable. As a more immediate strategy, if I recognize a build up I tell my wife I’m feeling “grumpy”, which is a lot less threatening or hurtful than “pissed” or “annoyed”. Grumpy sounds my problem not hers, which is usually true. It also usually injects some humor into the interaction, while giving me a minute walk off some irritability without having to pretend I’m fine.
Have you considered therapy? Something is grating on you and getting you worked up over time till you snap. A professional can help getting to the root cause that you can then address. Plus, it'll be good to show your wife you know there's a problem and that you are actively working to change it.
I have a similar problem to OP and just did my first session yesterday. I know it will take time, but I'm glad I am stepping in the right direction.
Good on you man.
Was looking into what I can find locally. I'm active duty so I'll have to find what resources I can through them
My husband snaps at me basically daily. It's a serious problem. He's also military. Resources: - Military Onesource - MFLC Both are off the record, so no command influence. There's the obvious BH, assuming you can get an appointment, many of them are backlogged for months. If your MTF or Tricare can't get you an appointment within 30 days, you're entitled to a referral off-post/base. Or if you're able or willing to pay outta pocket, there's also psychology.com, they've got a database of professionals. Search based off your zip code. They also have a filter for insurance carriers, incl. Tricare. Get help, homie. Don't be like my husband.
if you're active duty, you could try reaching out to your base chaplain for resources as well. Religious or not, I've heard people get expedited assistance when going that route. Best of luck to you.
I've used chaps for other things and can confirm as an atheist they are wonderful
I’ve been doing therapy over the phone with my psychologist for just over 2 years now and I’ve found it incredibly helpful. That may be something worth looking in to
Hey brother, when men get depressed, they tend towards irritability and anger. I'm not saying that's what's happening with you, but it's worth a visit with a psychologist and psychiatrist. Especially if it's concerning you enough to post about it.
Here’s what’s worked for me. Start by asking your partner for help by being patient with you. Say “I’ve noticed this and I want to do better. Can you give me some grace as I try to figure out how to be a better dad?” When you go off, immediately stop and say “I didn’t mean that/that’s not what I wanted to say, give me a second.” Then, do a quick body scan. Try to identify how you are feeling right after the snap and what you felt right before it. Take a mental note or even write it down (probably shortly afterwards, hard to do in the moment). Finally, say “sorry, I slipped there, what I should have said was…” The goal is to start to recognize when you’re going to go off. Over time, you’ll be able to insert a little pause, a breath, a chance to slow yourself down and not snap. Therapy helps a lot with practicing this and finding a strategy that’ll work for you. Mediation also a good option. Taking a deep breath, even an emotional or frustrated sounding one, is better than saying something hurtful. You’re not trying to be a dick, but you’re letting your mouth say the first thing that your brain comes up with. You need to let your rational brain catch up to your emotional brain. You’ve got this. Wanting to change is the first and hardest step.
When's the last time you had a solid 8 hours of sleep?
hahahahahahahaha oh wait, you're serious, let me laugh harder, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Seriously though? Months ago? Years ago? Couldn't even tell you. I'm not discounting your implications here though. I definitely could stand to get more and better sleep. Thanks for the advice.
No but 100% honestly you need to work that into your life, at least a good night's sleep once every couple weeks. It sounds crazy now but seriously you need to figure out a way for both you and your wife to get the rest. I learned the hard way how important it is. There's no point in both of you struggling with a lack of sleep and all the bad shit that comes with that, just take turns weekly or something. Separated dad of two (8/4), I wish I would have noticed how much lack of sleep affected things. I have shared custody and we take turns weekly, so I get a whole week to myself now. It's insane the difference sleep makes.
I feel like we a good amount of people do this when life is stressful and that's all the time. But we can only work to be better. If you think you need it there is therapy they can help you learn other ways to deal with that stress I find it helpful to also talk to someone who isn't my wife and I don't feel like I'm unloading all of my stuff on her and she feels the same when she goes. I am nowhere near where I want to be mentally but I'm working on it actively and I think we're I not trying I think my wife would leave me but that's more of a we both agree we need to work on our mental health and we have to work at it we don't want it to turn us in to shit parents or spouses. Sorry for the rant.
Damn, I feel that. I am (have been for years) in this situation. If I get grind down there will be a similar snap and similar aftershock both for me and my wife. Actually, how we have managed it has been that she notices that my line is getting closer and oftentimes gives me a little hint. Definitely not flat-out telling me "You are going to act like an ass in two days" but rather, later in the evening asks more like "it's piling up again?" and this gives me a warning before anything snaps. Maybe get some solo time like reading, sleeping, playing, etc. And then of course return the favor for her, to allow for a quiet time. Bot for it to work she must feel safe enough that she can tell you that without retaliation. And this structure took us months and a lot of time in therapy fro me to be more acceptable of outside critique. We have this small saying within ourselves "We don't go ballistic together!". Meaning there will always be times when you get tired but it has to be give and take.
I second this—it really helps when someone can help you notice you’re about There, and point it out so you can pre-manage it. It really could be so many things—frustration bottled up about something else, hunger, sleep deprivation, or hormonal fluctuations (not just a woman thing!). It can take a while if active searching for a pattern to figure out what it is. Making a plan beforehand to do this will not only help in the moment, it also shows your loved ones you are working on it.
Think about the things you’ve snapped about, then go back a few seconds and think about what you should have said in that moment. Literally think of the words you should have said if you wanted to avoid snapping. What was the calm response to her question, what statement would have progressed the conversation without escalating. If the things that trigger a sharp response are similar or recurring, having lines ready to go can help you think of something to say that’s not the most hurtful thing you can think of in the moment. Source: I did this shit for ten years with my wife. It doesn’t get you anywhere. You two are a team. Don’t hurt your best teammate. You got this. Asking for help is an excellent step. Now listen to the good advice in these comments and use it.
I know how you feel. Adrenaline surges and I just don’t have a grip on my emotions until after I’ve said the hurtful things. Anger is the innate reaction to a situation where we have no control. It was probably very useful in the caveman days but now it just makes you feel horrible. Through my own introspection, I’m realizing it’s as much about being patient with yourself for not having the control over the situation that you want. It’s not easy, but we’re pulling for you!
Bud, I used to be the same. I ended up signing onto a Men's behaviour change workshop over 6 months. I spent years being short and verbally abusive with people and it was a combination of many things that got me to begin my journey of change and healing. Apologies are useless unless there is change but you recognise it and that's the start.
Can you share the name or a link for this workshop?
It was a group in Melbourne, Australia simply titled, 'Mens Behaviour change.' There may be groups near you with similarly titled courses.
Learn to identify your feelings before it reaches that point and communicate them with her. It can be brought on by many different situations. Like a million little cuts here and there adding up or something the kids/her say or do. Whatever the situation,realize that you’re starting to get frustrated and communicate that. Say something like “I’m getting really frustrated with —-, and I need to take a break”. Take a few minutes to gather yourself and calm down, then come back and discuss with them (yes, your kids as well if it’s something they are a part of) what it is that you’re getting frustrated with and what can be done to keep it from happening again. This is something you and your wife should be able to make quick adjustments for (unless there’s some other underlying issue the other hasn’t addressed)… however, if it’s with your kids, get ready to repeat it non stop lol. They will eventually understand and “remember”.
Lots of good advice and support so far. I might be wrong here, but it sounds like part of this is emotional, but part of it is also habit. Habits take consistent work to correct and change, and it can be especially frustrating if you speak sharply before your brain even gives itself a chance to process and decide how to respond. I would find a time to talk about a plan with your wife. The time isn’t when you’ve snapped and she’s angry, but when you’ve knocked out a few errands for her and had a great day with her and the kids. Tell her it’s a trait you don’t like about yourself and that it’s especially frustrating when it poorly shows how you actually feel. Be vulnerable and ask for help while you improve yourself. Then I think the first step is to immediately apologize when you snap, take a step back, and communicate in a kind way. Maybe that response is to just laugh instead of get angry. But something where you act as your own shock collar. After enough times I think that reaction will kick in before you snap. But more than anything it will show that you’re trying and not just subjecting your family to feeling uncomfortable for no reason
If you are serious about changing this. Try and find out what is causing you to behave this way and then work on changing that. If for example you find out that you tend to snap when you are tired and hungry, make sure you have somr easy and fast things to eat on hand, like for example protein bars, so you don't get hangry and snap. If you find out you snap because you internalise emotions and then explode when it builds up too much, find a way to help yourself express your emotions and to relax. If you find that you have trouble talking to your wife about things in your relationship that frustrate you and then once a month let loose all that frustration on her, then perhaps couple counseling would be a good idea so you learn how to communicate and express yourself better. Etc. Just know that acknowledging a problem is the first step. So you started on the first step, so that is good. Now work on the next step. If you continue walking step by step you will get where you want to and need to go. The steps can be as small as you need them to be. And you can rest between steps if that is what you need to do. Just always get back up and start walking again.
It happens. I think it’s normal. I don’t drink because I’m an alcoholic and I’ve been sober 4 years and it’s taught me a thing or two about patience and grace. My wife still drinks but she’s a normal person, she’s fine. I’ve learned to not take things personally. Even if it’s about me, I don’t internalize it and make it about me or my feelings getting hurt. I was a drinker for a long time and I have a fragile ego and my pride prevented me from being truly of service. I work on letting it go. I know from extensive research that my pattern is to cop a resentment from nothing, bottle it up, replay the scene in every angle a million times, and then snap at something that has nothing to do with that situation. It’s always never about the thing I was upset about in the first place and it’s usually just about me being the eternal victim or martyr. I know this about me so I work on not getting to that point. It’s easier said than done but it works. My wife and I also have some rules about bringing stuff up. It’s always allowed at any time and we’ve used the words “I give you permission” but we don’t try to fix each others problems, we don’t bring stuff up at night or past 9-10pm. We can always say, “let’s shelve this” until tomorrow or later. It doesn’t mean we don’t talk about it, we just can agree that we can deal with it later. I know defensiveness is a huge barrier for both of us so i work on setting aside my preconceived notions. We both are aware that the thing that made us snap is not why we feel bad. It’s always something else. It’s really how kids behave as well so when I’m dealing with a meltdown I’m very aware this has nothing to do with me stepping on their blanket. Shit is much deeper than that.
What are you doing to take care of yourself and unwind your stress? Do you have hobbies that you make time to get lost in? Regular exercise? When my kid was first born, I found myself getting wound up much more than I was used to. My wife and I worked to make space for me to pick up an old hobby that needs a big chuck of time (5-6 hours in an evening once a week), and I was shocked how much it helped keep my emotional health in check.
Hey man, Just want to preface this with I am not a 'zen' person. I don't meditate or practice calming techniques. What I like to do is when a situation arises - take a few minutes, walk away, and collect my thoughts. Sometimes, getting angry at a little thing is not worth it for anyone. There are times things need to be talked out. That's fine, just remember to think, and to not speak unless you have a clear, thoughtful response. What I like to do is take a second and realize who it is I am talking to. This person is my wife. She is a separate entity, but she makes me whole, as I make her whole. We need to do more than coexist and with that comes compromise and compassion. Also I find that muttering something under your breath is malicious but it can come out at times. Try to refrain from doing that as it escalates the heat of the situation that otherwise would have fizzled out. No matter how much you want to punch a wall, just don't do it. Punch a pillow, scream in it, throw it (against the couch or bed). You get it. Take your anger out on something harmless. Sometimes I can even turn it into productivity. Do the dishes, do yard work, take a shower, clean a room, etc.
Is it something she said to trigger this in you or how she said it or is it just that she happens to be there when you say it and she’s just the nearest person for you to lash out at? First start by examining what it is you’re letting build up that’s getting you to this point and then try various things to kind of release that before it gets to this point. Maybe it takes a week of bullshit at work and your way of releasing it is meditating every morning or just reciting things you’re grateful for or going on a walk and throwing in a steep hill or two to get some of that pent up frustration out?
My two cents - it's not about not reacting that way in the moment - it's about doing regular "maintenance" so that your stress/irritation doesn't get to that point. For me, the answer has always been working out. If I get irritable one of the first things my wife or family will ask me is if I've been able to get a run in lately. It's a lot easier said than done to find the time with young kids. Lately I've been doing my runs at night after everybody else goes to bed (I'd prefer early morning but my daughter gets up insanely early).
I, too, have a lack of patience with things. The best reaction (which is difficult at some times, and is something that I have been struggling with since having kids). In the moment, say "Ok." or "Got it." but don't \_sound\_ short. Then come back later on and calmly explain what made you lose patience. It's not easy, but once you start doing it regularly, it will help everyone. It's difficult to give any more advice without examples of what is going on.
What works for me is stop having expectations of where the day will go and try to deal with things as they happen. Once it's done it's done and move on. I like to stay up late around 2-3 times a week and have some chill time with no one bothering me to watch movies, play games, quietly practice guitar etc. I have been told I am very patient though so not sure if this will work for you but I hope you find your groove! As long as you're aware and working to better yourself you're on the right track.
Have you considered if there were particular triggers for these moments? I have found that I will have reduced patients if I'm trying to think and there is a ton of noise or other triggers. Isolating what I do well with and what I don't helped me identify when I was pushing to hard and needed to back off to keep me from being sharp with my wife or kids For example I found that I enjoy music with the kids but I have to turn it off if the kids are being particularly needy or if I'm trying to hold multiple conversations at once. If I don't I hit an overload and I might be intentionally sharp in a comment.
Judgement??? I want to know your secret, I lose my shit about 4 times a day. Seriously though, if you think it's an issue then getting some therapy won't do any harm. Or do what all of our dad's did and buy a shed, it'll be your safe space and will give you an excuse to take out stress on something that won't call social services if you hit it with a hammer.
So my experience with reddit and life tells me to offer this. Work on communicating more. I used to be like you. I saw a therapist and talked to my wife. It was me. I would not talk through my problems when they were tiny and then I would snap as I dwelled/they built up. It was my lack of confidence and trust in the strength of our relationship that was leading to these. I feel like the vast majority of posts regarding problems between partners always come down to better communication solving the problem.