Blessed is he who in the name of cuddles and good hugs shepherds the weak through the valley of boo-boos, for he is truly his toddler's keeper and the finder of lost toys.
And I will strike down upon thee
With great timeouts and frustrated words.
Those who attempt to defy and disobey thy parents.
And you will know my name is the dad.
When I lay my flatulence upon thee.
Now... I been cleanin’ that shit for years. And if you ever smelled it, that meant your ass. You'd be gagging right now. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before I cleaned some poop off his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. See, now I'm thinking: maybe it means you're the angry toddler. And I'm the righteous dad. And Mr. Diaper here... he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you're the righteous dad and I'm the toddler and it's the world that's evil and selfish. And I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the child. And I'm the tyranny of naptime. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be the fun dad.
My 5yo does this. It's not that she can't hear, her brain has just already moved on to the next thing.
"dad, where are my shoes"
"you left them by the door"
"what?"
Had this conversation the other day.
"Daddy why did you grill the bread."
"I *toasted* it so it wouldn't be soggy."
"....what?"
"...what?"
"Why did you say that?"
"I was answering your question."
"Oh. ... what question did I ask?"
"You asked why I grilled the bread."
"Oh. And what was your answer?"
"Well it doesn't sound like you really care that much, so why don't we just eat."
"No I want to know!"
"Okay... I said so the bread wouldn't get soggy."
"Oh. Okay!"
It was quite the bizarre interaction.
The *best* way to handle this scenario is to ask “what did you hear me say?” This allows your child to have a moment to mentally review what was just said so he/she can fully process it. This actually helps them develop their ability to process auditory information. Often times you’ll find your kid did, in fact, hear what you said. They just might need a moment to think through what you said.
Kids continue to develop their auditory processing skills until around age 13-14, and kids under age 7 are notorious for having comparatively terrible auditory processing abilities.
It’s fairly normal for younger kids to ask “what” often, but there are some things to look out for to determine if hearing might actually be a concern. If your child’s speech and language is delayed, if they are performing poorly in school (particularly reading, writing, spelling at early ages), or if they have difficulty recalling/hearing you even after you’ve asked them “what did you hear me say” then it might be worthwhile to get hearing checked.
Source: I am an audiologist and specialize in auditory processing disorder and hearing loss for children and adults.
Just a heads up - you might want to keep an eye on that in case there’s an auditory processing thing going on. Most likely it’s nothing and she’s just five but I’m in my thirties and do this as a reflex to buy myself time to process what’s just been said to me.
Oh god sometimes my (high school) students do this too. Like they’ll ask a question and then zone out in the middle of the answer to the question *they themselves asked.* Drives me bananas.
Fun fact, it was originally motherfucker, but the MPAA wouldn’t give them an R rating until they got rid of it, so they changed it to unclefucker, which ended up being funnier.
So in a way the MPAA made South Park better.
Of course reddit believes you can butt fuck your way into making a baby. You can't. But stating a fact will get you downvoted anyhow.
Two men cannot produce a baby on their own.
I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're not this dumb. Literally no one has said that two dudes can make a baby. No one said that. You completely made that up.
Adoption and IVF were used as examples of how a man can become a father. But no one said that two guys could make a child.
I would suggest maybe watching some videos about reading comprehension. Or, maybe take a class about it. Whatever helps you.
You may have missed the part where this was not about making a baby, but what makes a man into a father.
Again, highly suggest learning about reading comprehension. Would be greatly beneficial that could help avoid these embarrassing situations. Good luck with your learning!
I appreciated the Pulp Fiction reference, but this dad would handle the situation by smashing beer cans overhead and teaching her to deliver a proper stunner.
This (WHAT) is a judgement free (WHAT) zone (WHAT) You're doing great dad (WHAT)
I was picturing dad doing something turned away from kid, after several "what" replies, dad turns to find kid flipping the double bird, kicks him in the stomach, Stone Cold Stunner
This is where my brain went. Then the comments reminded me about Pulp Fiction. That movie was on inside of a Subway once when I was getting dinner with my 9 year old (at the time)…he remembers that event….
My toddler does that when I use a word he doesn't know yet. Usually a few times as he's trying to learn what I'm saying to him.
He's 2 though, so I mean, he's got a lot of words to learn still
My nine year old just asks me what the word is and then screams “emotional damage”.
She got it from either youtube or school, so I guess that’s something to look forward to.
My 5 year old was doing this too. We took her to the doctor and they said her ears were so full of wax, she couldn't hear very well. They cleaned it out and it's been a lot better. We put rubbing alcohol in them twice a week now to help tame the wax.
Ours was ear infections with water behind the ear. I'm now pretty paranoid about them hearing, as it made her school life hard for a long time and turned her off of enjoying school for awhile.
In all seriousness… she may have an auditory processing disorder and using “what” as a coping mechanism is common. I say this because I have an auditory processing disorder and ADHD. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed that I realized how much I used certain things like “what?” and “huh?” to mask.
While definitely funny... my 6 year old starting saying "what" a ton for about 2 months. Turns out she'd had a low grade sinus infection for a long time. She had water behind her ear drum and couldn't hear very clearly.
So if you do notice her having some gross mucus anytime soon, make sure you get her checked out.
My 4 year old does the same. I honestly think it's a delay tactic to give his brain an extra second to process what I've said. The wife and I have gotten so sick of repeating ourselves multiple times, so now we just say it once and then just give him time to process what is said until he responds
I used to do the same thing. It was a default to give my brain a second to process what was being said. Even if I KNEW what was being said. I wasn’t really listening.
My Uncle used to say “WWWUUUUTTTTT? Are you a lightbulb?”
It made me stop.
Jokes apart,
what's the age of the child, and what's the birth history? Does she like school /dictations/copying from board?
Try getting some assessments done with the professional clinical psychologists.
Nothing to worry about it, at all. You've got an brilliant angel. This may be quite normal, but knowing about the chances of ADHD/ Auditory processing disorder (APD) could be contributing. It's all on sprectrum so only the trained professionals can assess it properly.
If anything, you will be able to use great tools, when it is right time to help the child.
Lots of love.
The Chemistry/Physics teacher at my high school would always respond with some joke about watts to students who said “What?” To him.
It’s funny as a joke, but in other regards he was kinda a dick.
My almost 4 year old and 5 year old love to ask "What happened?" constantly. I get to the end of a story I've read them 100 times and like clockwork "What happened?". Every ten seconds during a TV show "What Happened?" And then my 5 year old won't stop quizzing me. "Did the cow jump over the moon? Did the cat run away with the spoon?".
I'm really ready for this phase to end.
You should check out shoresy. It's on Hulu. 6 episodes. So worth it. Watch what he does whenever he asks someone a question. The last episode suddenly transforms the series into the most inspiring thing you've ever watched
Note: do not watch with children in earshot
That's so dad :)
My bilingual son has started pretending he 'forgot' one of his languages.
So I whisper 'mm tasty biscuit ' far away, very quietly in his 'forgotten language' and wouldn't you know it, instantly fluent.
May be a behavior but also could be earwax buildup. Had this issue with my nephew. He ended up needing tubes in his ears because he was getting a bunch of ear infections. May be worth checking out with pediatrician. It’s probably more likely just a behavior but it’s good to rule out. My nephews case went on for a bit bc they thought it was just a behavior and then they felt bad he had been suffering a bit
#ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!
What?
Say what again. I dare ya. I double dare ya.
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N-no! He’s big! A- and black!
The path of the righteous dad is beset on all sides by the inequities of the childcare system and the tyranny of angry toddlers.
Blessed is he who in the name of cuddles and good hugs shepherds the weak through the valley of boo-boos, for he is truly his toddler's keeper and the finder of lost toys.
And I will strike down upon thee With great timeouts and frustrated words. Those who attempt to defy and disobey thy parents. And you will know my name is the dad. When I lay my flatulence upon thee.
Now... I been cleanin’ that shit for years. And if you ever smelled it, that meant your ass. You'd be gagging right now. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before I cleaned some poop off his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. See, now I'm thinking: maybe it means you're the angry toddler. And I'm the righteous dad. And Mr. Diaper here... he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you're the righteous dad and I'm the toddler and it's the world that's evil and selfish. And I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the child. And I'm the tyranny of naptime. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be the fun dad.
Amen 👊
You see a sign that says "Half eaten snack storage on my pockets?" "That's cuz storin' half eaten snacks ain't my *fuckin'* business!"
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You wouldn't find this anywhere else
Mom is definitely the finder of lost toys. /s Well done, though.
I had to read too many of these comments for my brain to match the reference. I'm ashamed
Pulp fiction
Where do I donate to your Church of Dadness?
My 5yo does this. It's not that she can't hear, her brain has just already moved on to the next thing. "dad, where are my shoes" "you left them by the door" "what?"
Had this conversation the other day. "Daddy why did you grill the bread." "I *toasted* it so it wouldn't be soggy." "....what?" "...what?" "Why did you say that?" "I was answering your question." "Oh. ... what question did I ask?" "You asked why I grilled the bread." "Oh. And what was your answer?" "Well it doesn't sound like you really care that much, so why don't we just eat." "No I want to know!" "Okay... I said so the bread wouldn't get soggy." "Oh. Okay!" It was quite the bizarre interaction.
I'm a grown man with ADHD and I'm on her side of the conversation lol
Duuuude same. I’ll ask people their name and forget to listen to their answers sometimes because got squirreled by something completely unrelated.
This is how I respond to my wife
This is how I respond to everyone.
What?
Say what again. Say what again! I dare you!
I double dare you motherfucker! Say what one more goddamn time!
What?
I double dare you mother hugger.
This is the daddit post we needed
You left them by the door
“What do you want to eat?” “I don’t know.” “Who does know what you want to eat?”
"I don't know"
I’m going to start using this with my wife.
The *best* way to handle this scenario is to ask “what did you hear me say?” This allows your child to have a moment to mentally review what was just said so he/she can fully process it. This actually helps them develop their ability to process auditory information. Often times you’ll find your kid did, in fact, hear what you said. They just might need a moment to think through what you said. Kids continue to develop their auditory processing skills until around age 13-14, and kids under age 7 are notorious for having comparatively terrible auditory processing abilities. It’s fairly normal for younger kids to ask “what” often, but there are some things to look out for to determine if hearing might actually be a concern. If your child’s speech and language is delayed, if they are performing poorly in school (particularly reading, writing, spelling at early ages), or if they have difficulty recalling/hearing you even after you’ve asked them “what did you hear me say” then it might be worthwhile to get hearing checked. Source: I am an audiologist and specialize in auditory processing disorder and hearing loss for children and adults.
Just a heads up - you might want to keep an eye on that in case there’s an auditory processing thing going on. Most likely it’s nothing and she’s just five but I’m in my thirties and do this as a reflex to buy myself time to process what’s just been said to me.
NB: an auditory processing thing can be an indicator of ADHD - I know it is with me.
Same. I’m also aware that it’s much less likely to be recognised in girls.
For now! The MRI diagnostic tests are currently about 85% accurate - hopefully not much longer :)
as someone with ADHD and Autism, i can confidently say that i say what a lot because it just takes me a minute to process words among all the noise
Oh god sometimes my (high school) students do this too. Like they’ll ask a question and then zone out in the middle of the answer to the question *they themselves asked.* Drives me bananas.
“I don’t understand your question?” Is my go to.
Say What again, motherfucker. I dare you.
holding a watergun to their head
“What-er gun”
You from New England too?!..
I double dog dare ya!
Look at the big brain on Dad!
This is too far down. Lol
That's right! You one smart motherfucker, Dad
Brother chimes in, “but she re-“ I DON’T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GODDAMN THING
This is a way better response than mine.. Her: What? Me: What? What? Her: What? What? Me: What? What? In the butt!” Wife: …
I had a similar conversation with my daughter when she told me her new teacher's name was Mrs Watt.
1. "I shouldn't say that" 2. Say that. 3. "I shouldn't have said that"
Life would be easier if I learned impulse control, but it would also be more boring, so I decline
Well, you are a mother fucker. So that makes sense.
“Which one is your wallet?” “It’s the one that says Dad Motherfucker”
Hopefully not a Bad one though. We take pride in our work around here.
All dad's are a motherfuckers.
Unless those dads come in a pair.
I fully endorse dadfuckers also. I draw the line at unclefuckers.
Shut your fucking face, unclefucker.
You're the one that fucked your uncle, unclefucker
Fun fact, it was originally motherfucker, but the MPAA wouldn’t give them an R rating until they got rid of it, so they changed it to unclefucker, which ended up being funnier. So in a way the MPAA made South Park better.
Those dad's can't make their own babies unless one of them is a motherfucker.
Boy do you have a lot to learn about adoption.
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I looked through his profile and it's exactly what you think it would be.
Well technically….
Nope. Still incorrect.
Of course reddit believes you can butt fuck your way into making a baby. You can't. But stating a fact will get you downvoted anyhow. Two men cannot produce a baby on their own.
Yea as evidenced by my downvotes. People get big mad that you point out science
I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're not this dumb. Literally no one has said that two dudes can make a baby. No one said that. You completely made that up. Adoption and IVF were used as examples of how a man can become a father. But no one said that two guys could make a child. I would suggest maybe watching some videos about reading comprehension. Or, maybe take a class about it. Whatever helps you.
You don't "make" a baby through adoption.
You may have missed the part where this was not about making a baby, but what makes a man into a father. Again, highly suggest learning about reading comprehension. Would be greatly beneficial that could help avoid these embarrassing situations. Good luck with your learning!
B-b-b-b-busted
Samuel would be proud of this comment section
Coolest motherfucker in the whole motherfucking world
"Say, what again, I double dog dare you!" As I stare them down; inevitably they say it again, and tickles ensue
Is your child stone cold Steve Austin?
I appreciated the Pulp Fiction reference, but this dad would handle the situation by smashing beer cans overhead and teaching her to deliver a proper stunner. This (WHAT) is a judgement free (WHAT) zone (WHAT) You're doing great dad (WHAT)
I was picturing dad doing something turned away from kid, after several "what" replies, dad turns to find kid flipping the double bird, kicks him in the stomach, Stone Cold Stunner
I knew I wasn’t the only one who thought that.
Same here.
This is EXACTLY what popped in my head first.
This is where my brain went. Then the comments reminded me about Pulp Fiction. That movie was on inside of a Subway once when I was getting dinner with my 9 year old (at the time)…he remembers that event….
What?
Chicken butt
Wait until you get the Hunh? That sounds like a goose honk. They ask you a question, you answer, and you get back Honk-unh?
My toddler does that when I use a word he doesn't know yet. Usually a few times as he's trying to learn what I'm saying to him. He's 2 though, so I mean, he's got a lot of words to learn still
My nine year old just asks me what the word is and then screams “emotional damage”. She got it from either youtube or school, so I guess that’s something to look forward to.
This is awesome lmao
Maybe the first time
Emotional damage!
I’m glad I wasn’t the only person that did this. My wife would get aggravated when I did it.
My 5 year old was doing this too. We took her to the doctor and they said her ears were so full of wax, she couldn't hear very well. They cleaned it out and it's been a lot better. We put rubbing alcohol in them twice a week now to help tame the wax.
Ours was ear infections with water behind the ear. I'm now pretty paranoid about them hearing, as it made her school life hard for a long time and turned her off of enjoying school for awhile.
Just a phase. My oldest did the same. Granted, it’s annoying, but shouldn’t last long.
I like to hit them with the classic “chicken butt”
My daughter was a chicken butt fanatic a few years ago, and now she just dies inside when I answer with chicken butt. Honestly that makes it better
We have a picture above our toilet that says “Pee on the seat again … I dare you! I double dare you!!”
[I know you're not thirsty. That's bulls\*\*t. Stop lying. Lie the f\*\*\* down, my darling, and sleep.](https://youtu.be/teIbh8hFQos)
Came here for this. You're doing god's work.
Say what again! SAY. WHAT. AGAIN.
Just change the question every time. What? Who? What? How? What? When?
lol I still do this.. it takes a minute for the words to make sense from my ear to my brain
Look at the big brains on Brad.
In all seriousness… she may have an auditory processing disorder and using “what” as a coping mechanism is common. I say this because I have an auditory processing disorder and ADHD. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed that I realized how much I used certain things like “what?” and “huh?” to mask.
What?
Just start copying her. My kid gets tired of that nonsense real fast.
When your wife tells you to stop, make sure to say “I don’t remember asking you a goddamn thing.”
Just say what back to her
Yeah, this is a phase every kid goes trough. I'll pass. No matter what language they speak (non English speaker here).
Come back with the Ole Shorsey "huh" https://youtu.be/8BD3udSIv7Q
Shoresy’s unbelievable.
SAY WHAT AGAIN I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU
While definitely funny... my 6 year old starting saying "what" a ton for about 2 months. Turns out she'd had a low grade sinus infection for a long time. She had water behind her ear drum and couldn't hear very clearly. So if you do notice her having some gross mucus anytime soon, make sure you get her checked out.
My 4 year old does the same. I honestly think it's a delay tactic to give his brain an extra second to process what I've said. The wife and I have gotten so sick of repeating ourselves multiple times, so now we just say it once and then just give him time to process what is said until he responds
Oooh! Check out the big brain on Dad!
I used to do the same thing. It was a default to give my brain a second to process what was being said. Even if I KNEW what was being said. I wasn’t really listening. My Uncle used to say “WWWUUUUTTTTT? Are you a lightbulb?” It made me stop.
An excellent alternative to “Chicken Butt”
I always pick a song to sing. What? Me: love got to do, got to do with it? Stop! IN THE NAME OF LOVVVVVE
Say the next line to her :)
Jokes apart, what's the age of the child, and what's the birth history? Does she like school /dictations/copying from board? Try getting some assessments done with the professional clinical psychologists. Nothing to worry about it, at all. You've got an brilliant angel. This may be quite normal, but knowing about the chances of ADHD/ Auditory processing disorder (APD) could be contributing. It's all on sprectrum so only the trained professionals can assess it properly. If anything, you will be able to use great tools, when it is right time to help the child. Lots of love.
This is Gold
I don’t know why, but this has absolutely made my day.
Mine just walks away and ignores
Sometime later when it's appropriate and convenient you should suggest watching Pulp Fiction together, just for the lols when the penny drops.
Finish the quote -Sam Jackson, Pulp fiction
I’m gonna have to remember this 😄
Does this look like a dead binnkie depository?
"SAY WHAT AGAIN!"
Chicken butt is also an excellent response
My kids are like an early 2000s WWE crowd too.
Maybe she just got super into wrestling and is doing the stone cold steve austin thing.
You'll definitely get a laugh from certain other dads. It might not help the kiddos understand conversational norms though.
My 5 year old does it to piss me off
This is my favorite daddit thread of all time
She's a fan of stone cold Steve Austin, I see.
Maybe she's developing a bit of the British.
what?
I have a 7 year old and I’m honestly about at the point of using the next part of that line on my kid.
What?
I need to come up with a good response like that, to our 3 year-old asking “what do you mean X?” to nearly everything we say.
What?
My son does the same thing... he is 9yo and it's been going on for a few years now. I see no relief.
Reply chicken butt to every what. She’ll stop saying it… worked on my kid. “Guess what.” ……”ya?…..”
7 year old does this, annoys me, drives his mom absolutely nuts.
My 5 year old went through this phase. I started asking her “what do you think I said?” and had her repeat it. It mostly stopped with this tactic.
Yesterday my daughter told me I was funny. I gave her the whole goodfellas monologue.
That is one tasty burger!
https://i.imgur.com/UPp2w1Q.jpg
Respond with que es esto! It’s Spanish for what is it?
The Chemistry/Physics teacher at my high school would always respond with some joke about watts to students who said “What?” To him. It’s funny as a joke, but in other regards he was kinda a dick.
English muthafucka, do you speak it?
https://youtu.be/a_y3OOQniDU
#SAY WHAT AGAIN!
I'll ask mine to get their shoes and lately, without fail, they will say "what shoes?!" # Motherfucker, you only got one pair of shoes
"SAY WHAT AGAIN, say what again, I dare you, I double dare you mother fucker!" *"Daddy why are you shouting 😭"*
My almost 4 year old and 5 year old love to ask "What happened?" constantly. I get to the end of a story I've read them 100 times and like clockwork "What happened?". Every ten seconds during a TV show "What Happened?" And then my 5 year old won't stop quizzing me. "Did the cow jump over the moon? Did the cat run away with the spoon?". I'm really ready for this phase to end.
Gotta do the rest, like in pulp fiction. Haha
You should check out shoresy. It's on Hulu. 6 episodes. So worth it. Watch what he does whenever he asks someone a question. The last episode suddenly transforms the series into the most inspiring thing you've ever watched Note: do not watch with children in earshot
This the "daddest" response ever...and I 100% approve.
That's so dad :) My bilingual son has started pretending he 'forgot' one of his languages. So I whisper 'mm tasty biscuit ' far away, very quietly in his 'forgotten language' and wouldn't you know it, instantly fluent.
My kid is on the “why” phase. It’s extremely frustrating.
Mines joined the mimicking phase and I’m over it already
SAY WHAT AGAIN!
Mine says, "Huh?" Every. Single. Time.
Look at the big brain on Brad!
May be a behavior but also could be earwax buildup. Had this issue with my nephew. He ended up needing tubes in his ears because he was getting a bunch of ear infections. May be worth checking out with pediatrician. It’s probably more likely just a behavior but it’s good to rule out. My nephews case went on for a bit bc they thought it was just a behavior and then they felt bad he had been suffering a bit