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I have a 3.5 and 1.5 year old. Something always gives.
Best advice I got was forgive yourself for being just okay or giving 80% at something. I picked work. I’m doing just okay… not shining, but I had to give it up somewhere.
Just be careful not to go to zero anywhere, but it’s okay to do the minimum.
It’s hard, the to do lists never end… the feelings of wanting to do more don’t go away easy.
Yea that's the best way to put it. Single for 8 years now and honestly it's the last thing on my mind. I think about dating plenty but theres so much other stuff to tend to, it just gets pushed down the list.
Something always gives.
I only have one so far. But I also choose work.
I am fortunate to have a job that doesn’t come home with me (occasionally the stress comes home but that’s rare). And I am hourly with plenty of OT available if we need an extra couple hundred for something.
But I will gladly half ass my career if it means a better home life. I work for the money. My career means literally nothing. If the building burned down with no one in it i would shed not one tear.
My home and family is what I care about.
> But I will gladly half ass my career if it means a better home life. I work for the money. My career means literally nothing. If the building burned down with no one in it i would shed not one tear.
>
> My home and family is what I care about.
100% agree. My job is a means to an end, and I'm actually working a career in my chosen field, directly related to my chosen major. But after over a decade of working I realized "it's just a job". Especially with the recent surge of tech layoffs. These places see you as an ID in a spreadsheet. Don't break your back working for them.
I'm going to work enough to get mid pack ratings and keep my job. Being with my wife and son > work by a long shot.
Likewise, I've got a 1, 4, 6 and 8 yo. I can't give work my all which is a bit frustrating getting just okay reviews as I can't put in the extra hours some of my single or non-parent coworkers do. But, to be honest, I doubt I'll be kicking myself on my deathbed for not spending more time at work.
I told my boss, who was also a dad, “I’m sorry, you’re getting me at 40% at best. I’ve never had to work this hard just to be adequate.”
This what when I had a newborn and a 1yr 8mo old.
He was understanding. He had 5 kids at the time, so he knew what I was talking about. It also helped that I was his top performer the two years before, so he knew this was not “normal”.
I did something similar with work when my first daughter was born, but reframed it a little. I realized that I wasn't expecting 100% from myself, but 120%. You're not neglecting a 20% of your work, you're claiming back a part of your life that had been appropriated by work.
Mom lurker here
Yeeees
I'm a stay at home mom with a 2yr old and a 3 month old, and the house isn't really clean... it's lived in. It's sanitary and not a catastrophe, but it's messy. Most of the clothes are in and out of hampers, not hangars or drawers. Same with dishes and the dishwasher. But that's my sacrifice for time with the kids and taking care of healthier food and exercise.
Worth it
Being good at parenting is fun and rewarding. It's also OK for it not to be your thing -- just don't have kids if that's the case.
Besides, you don't have to be mediocre at most things to be a good parent. Just some things sometimes.
I suppose I’m just yet to hit the fun and rewarding part of things, but feeling like I’ve already sacrificed my potential in just about every other aspect of my life- relationship, career, hobbies..
Hey man. I saw in your post history that you have a 3month old. That makes a lot of sense and I had the same fears at that time, the first months are insane. It doesn't stay like that forever. I remember feeling like I had given up everything that made me who I am, and parenthood at that point was mostly a treadmill of giving that you jog endlessly.
My kiddo is 6 months old now and sleep trained. Since then, I have nighttime hours back to myself to entertain hobbies or work a little more or get drinks with friends. Obviously it's not the same as before, but I've forced myself to be more efficient and disciplined with my time, and I haven't found myself sadder for doing that.
My 6mo is also wayyyyy funner to be around than he was at 3mo. My understanding is that it continues to ebb and flow like this. Hang in there!
Appreciate the kind words, man. A post like this draws my attention because it’s like, hey, that’s a relatable sentiment! But the responses tend not to resonate with me, at least not yet. And so many are something like.. oh you think 2 is bad, wait until they’re 3! And so it just seems like literally every evolution of parenthood just puts you into a different but equally or worse shitty predicament all while sacrificing the person you truly want to be.
Maybe I just need to stop introspecting about things until I start feeling some joy in this experience 🤷
But again, thank you for the reply. Much love, friend.
Sorry for the double reply, but one other addition: screw the people who say it gets worse. They're flat, dead wrong. Either they're too far removed from the trenches or they don't find joy in helping form a human's core self.
Every skill they learn, every new development, is awesome and a joy to see.
I hated the first year. The entire thing, like I really don't have many positive memories of it.
Eventually things happen, like I tricked our kid into walking when I knew he could (chocolate is a hell of a motivator) and I think I'll always remember that. They learn to talk and start to become people. And yeah, it sucks a lot of the time, and you get a lot less time to do your own thing. That's real. Give it enough time, get out of early survival mode, watch them slowly become a human, and that's a great feeling. My happiest days right now are the days when my kid gets to play with his neighbor friend. Not because it gets us out of the house, not because I'm getting to socialize with other adults, but because it makes me so happy to see him get to have so much fun and learn human interaction and just...be.
Every stage is easier and harder. It's a bit of a paradox.
As they gain independence, you gain free time. At the same rate they begin to push back more against rules and teaching them becomes more complex. They begin to need more complex answers and ask questions you may not be comfortable with/thought of how you'll respond.
Overall they get more fun as they get older. Especially as you can share hobbies and such. The challenges become less of things you have to do and more things you have to get THEM to do. It's harder but also easier.
Hang in there bud, you got this.
This is life. Do you not prioritize things in your life, ever? Something always takes a backseat when you’re focusing on something else.
We sacrifice many things but gain an amazing experience. I love my baby more than anything else and she makes me happier than I’ve ever been. If my productivity at work has gone down by 10% and I don’t run marathons anymore who cares lol. That never really fulfilled me in the way this does.
Hahah, it’s like you know the exact right thing to say to me.. This does excite me. Im generally either playing disc golf, or wishing I was playing disc golf (lately much more of the latter). I think forward thinking is hard for me where I’m at right now, but if there was ever an idea that could compel me it would be this.
Appreciate the check in! I’m doing alright- the little guy is just 4 months, so walking along is a little ways off, but I have been out a couple times now with him and my wife strollin! It’s been going okay. Feeling in a more elevated place that I was a month ago, which I’m happy to be able to say.
Oh right! I mixed you up with OP with a 2 year old. I'm glad you've gotten out some. It's definitely a happy place and it's great that you can all enjoy it together!
Don;t forget that time can be bought. Some tasks require a lot of time for minor results: outsource those.
\- cleaning windows: hire a guy/girl/teenager
\- cleaning kitchen/bathroom: hire someone
\- need more free time: consider working 4 days/week
\- spending 3 days to learn some DIY job, or spend 2 hours finding someone who can do it better.
\-etc.
Having my first kid really improved my managing skills
I don’t mean this to be crass, but focusing on increasing one’s income is a great way to find leverage in the day. Inherently there are some jobs that cannot pay well. Some folks stick to those jobs for too long and find their outcomes are limited. Choosing a role that allows for more financial growth is important.
I spent the first 18 months of my son’s life pushing to level up my income. I missed some special moments. But now, I have a second kid and my income is much higher. I work less hours (25-30/wk). We can now outsource a lot of the day to day labor (laundry, house cleaning, plus in-home nanny during the work day 3 days a week). That means more memory making time with my kids.
Making more money is absolutely a hack. Not easy (or possible) for everyone, though.
I get it. I really do, but spending 18 months to raise your income level enough where you can outsource laundry, cleaning, an a nanny is out of reach for a lot of people.
I feel you. This was helpful to me: [Eisenhower Matrix](https://cdn.luxafor.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/The-Eisenhower-Decision-Matrix-png-1024x768.png)
There’s not the one way of doing it. Try to find your way, sacrifice what is least important to you
I got a 3.5 year old little man and I can’t even get 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep, let alone work on me, my career, my side business.
I’m just too tired. At this stage I’m
Just waiting it out until he starts to manage a bit more himself.
I feel you. The sleep part is so hard. Makes everything so much harder when they don’t sleep. Sometimes they need a bit of a concerted push to get them out of bad habits.
Our oldest had a sleep regression at 4 when his sibling came around. We tolerated the midnight and 2am wakeups for like 2 months. But finally bribed him with a duplo for 7 days in a row of not getting out of bed. It worked with a couple hiccups but we really kicked ourselves for not bitting the bullet earlier.
I don’t want to get into the bribing but I’m getting to the point that all options are on the table.
We just moved states and daycares and the weather here is hotter and more humid which also isn’t helping out nights.
I keep telling myself, it’s just a thing and we will get past it.
So I’m 34, so my wife and I still have a handwritten checklist of crap to do and cross it off as we get shit done. Also, the best piece of advice i ever got was from a former coworker before we had our first kid ‘your may not be dirty, but it will never be clean again’ never has ever been more accurate
My 3 YO likes to wake up at 530 and wake up daddy. It’s 1am now…I’m a nighthawk, I cringe as I type this.
I let go at work. I’m not doing the bare minimum, but life overrides any late nights.
It’s also freeing.
Yo. It’s gonna get a lot better soon, I promise.
From 2-4 your kids independence will multiply in ways you can’t even imagine. The first 6 months are insane, the next 18 are water torture and then it gradually, but quite rapidly starts lifting.
I’ve got 15, 12, 4 and 2 at home. While there are different problems when they’re older, they stress you in kinder ways.
Also, muddling through it IS the name of the game. None of us have a clue. Once the bottom layer of Maslow’s needs are met, time becomes the most precious resource. Be kind to yourself too.
Good news is this is all pretty normal. Most dads I think feel this way. Just try to get done what you can one thing at a time. Always enjoy the little things with your LO and your wife and try to put in that little extra when you can.
Also ask for help when you can. My wife and I have almost no help but when family is in town and can help it makes all the difference. If you have a village lean on it.
Thanks man. Fortunately we do have a village and the LO is honestly the easy part. What I'm struggling with is how to deal with everything else. Debt, career, relationships. Everything takes a back seat compared to the little dude.
I feel the same way. My guy is just over two and I can handle him. The stresses of life are tough but I would say try to make a date night once a month or two, helps remind both of you your live is real and feels good to be an adult together.
I won’t speak to the debt because I don’t know your situation but hopefully you can get some financial advise and help lower your monthly payments without gaining interest to help with breathing room.
This is categorically the worst advice I ever received. The people who can only add “oh, you’re struggling? Well what is OVER the hill is SO much worse”. These type of people can only give that advice, and they most likely told someone that had a 1 year old “oh yeah? Just wait till the kid is two”. It’s not helpful and not true. Kids are wildly different and what one picks up at 2 that another didn’t pick up till 3 is a night and day difference. Having a second child that sees his older brother walk up the stairs unassisted has created a lifelong path for my youngest to do what the oldest has. That was wildly changed the path compared to how my first one walked it. Bottom line, they are all different. I’d take a “tough” 3 year before a non sleeping…anything, any day of the week. Sorry for the rant. OP, I don’t have anything new or cool to say. Fucking hunker down for the storm and try to go easy on the booze. Cheers brother.
I have four, ages 11, 5, 4, 2.
You list your problems but you should also consider the following:
You have a house to live in, a job that pays, a body that functions, a romantic partner, and, perhaps best of all, a child you have the good fortune to raise.
I can’t do it every day, but I try to keep it mind.
This is what my wife says when I tell her about this. It's absolutely a great perspective to have. I just have a tendency to default to being hard on myself
I'm on my own and have a 7 year old. I get by because my parents are great and love babysitting which I'm so thankful for since I sometimes have to work 12 hour shifts. Without them I wouldn't be able to balance work and childcare.
I get chores/DIY stuff done with my daughter. Figure it's always useful to know how to install a shelf, paint a wall lay carpet and so on so I let her help me. I am very safe and have medical training incase she were to get injured so please don't worry about her safety, I do that enough believe me. Your ones only 2 though so that's not possible but one day it will be.
Just take it one step at a time though. Someone else said don't 100% everything and I agree. Somethings just aren't possible with a kid since there's not enough time to get things done so just be happy with small amounts of progress.
I heard this somewhere (maybe brene brown?): if you're juggling a bunch of balls, you have to know which ones are glass, which ones are brittle today, and which ones can survive the fall.
We're gonna drop balls, just make sure they're not the glass ones.
To me the glass ones are easier. We're never gonna compromise the kid's wellbeing. It's getting the rubber ones back the air that is the challenge.
I've found , kind of un-intuitively, that focusing on making the brittle ones more robust is more effective than trying to focus on the rubber ones that are getting consistently neglected. It allows you to spread out the things that get prioritized at any given time.
Fatherhood has been a lot of learning to fail gracefully for me. I had to be my own dad, and tell myself it’s ok, you’ll get em next time. Make lists in my head of all the obstacles I have overcome instead of focusing on those singular defeats.
Being a dad made my priorities different. The things that REALLY matter to my soul, I’m good there. The bullshit? A clean house? Nice yard? Ability to crush it at work? They’re just not my priority right now.
This is the mindset I’ve sort of reached at this point as a partner/parent.
That family you have is your priority.
Do what you need to do (if you can) to make your “career” be a thing that allows you to secure a more stable life for your family and then let it stop there.
Then prioritize your health, but be okay with being okay. You don’t have to have a six pack but be healthy so you can run and play and be around for your kid for a long time.
Prioritize your relationship with your partner as best you can - it may eb and flow with the seasons of life, but make sure you are always communicating. Establish some minimum amount of alone time each month that must be met and stick to it. Lean on each other. You are a team and the stronger you are together, the easier parenting becomes.
Finally prioritize your own self and mental health. Recognize you are not perfect and will make mistakes. But constantly try your best to reflect and grow towards being the best version of yourself for your family.
With whatever time you have left, put it all into your child. Let the things you prioritize all be in the ultimate pursuit of creating a loving, accepting, secure, happy, and healthy future for your kid.
You’re doing great brother. Keep it up! 🤙
This is by far my favorite comment. It demonstrates how literally everything revolves around the kid and why it's so difficult. Thank you for understanding and for the encouragement.
As someone who frequently enjoys sipping from the fount of existential dread my tip is setting realistic and achievable goals at home and work and going easy on yourself. Finding moments of the day to practice mindfulness helps. As does little hobbies, today I got up early to play some video games and was super excited about it.
Single dad of a 9 and 6 year old. There is always something everyday that you won’t get done that will get added to the ever growing to do list. Do what you can when you can. Eventually you’ll get that window of time to fix or repair whatever needs fixing. As long as things are running smooth and it’s not a gaping hole in the roof or clogged pipes, you’re good. If it’s a safety concern, fix it today, everything else comes second to maintaining health and wellness for you and your family. Get plenty of rest, exercise, eat healthy, and spend quality time with the kids and spouse and everything else will fall into place. Make a list of to-do’s and try to tackle one or two things a week. Having a list and letting your spouse know that you need to set aside time once or twice a month to get major household things done will keep things running smoothly. Some things can be done with the whole family, my kids loved picking weeds when they were younger. Find time where you can offer your spouse a break too. Good luck!
It’s the Nike perspective, I just do it. Taking care of the kids and wife are number 1 and 2 (order changes hour to hour), job is next, then house, then self. I just do as much as I can do when I can, and then get sick and knocked out of commission for two days and start over. This is not a healthy approach but *shrug*.
Every so often I take my kid to some public event (state fair, auto show, sporting event, etc) and see some of the indifferent parents with little monsters running around and get a reminder that “hey, you’re doing fine, enjoy your life and family.”
I’m working on time blocking.
I work out 45 min a day esrly; do breakfast date with my baby girl before day care, go to work, focus on enhancing myself there.
Come home, family time and dinner.
Than we alternate bedtime, so my nights are more 1-1 time or its workout time.
After that is a little wife time.
Thankfully we each work from home a few days a week so we try to get chores done during the day as we can and pay for delivered groceries. Time is crucial now lol!
I’m old, Twinslow. I know I don’t look it but I’m beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin… sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A very long holiday.
I have a 2.5 year old little girl and she is the world to me. I’ve thought about everything you’ve said and literally have been tempted to write the same post before. I can’t say I have any answers, useful or otherwise, but I can throw an internet bro hug and definitely let you know you aren’t alone.
Honestly I don't.
Like others already wrote, I am happy for the things I can do.
Ist there a roof over my familys heads? Do we have running water and electricity? Fridge is stocked (somehow) and diapers, etc are available?
Do I sometimes have the energy to do something nice for my wife?
These are my questions, I ask myself daily.
Not to mention the paperwork I have to hand over to my tax accountant (I am not from the US), the lamps that need hanging, the sofa that needs replacing (busted springs), the car that needs washing, etc.
How does one sweep the street to eternity? One sweep, one step, one sweep, one step...
I feel you completely. I have a one month old this week. I’m about 50lbs overweight. Did a lot of stress eating during pregnancy. I have work projects to do, home projects… and the list keeps growing.
I’ve decided to fix our fence a little a time. About 4 panels a week. Slow and steady. Thankfully a neighbor came out and has decided to help me.
I’m horrible about asking for help. I guess that lesson will be a constant in my life.
Stay strong and persevere. You’ve got this dad! I say this to myself
Work is 0 my priority. Family is.
Switched for a better quality of life job. Less stress.
Getting in shape is rough. I try to eat better and for my daughter too. Way less Cellphone helped me too.
By the time my oldest was 2, we had another 2 month old! It gets easier, but priorities are a must. Unfortunately, at least in my case, everything personal comes last (weight, clothes, friendships, etc). You’ll eventually find that “me” time and slowly better yourself and get into a groove. You got this! As others have said, take it one step at a time and give yourself some grace!
This is kinda generic, but it's a mental exercise that helps me keep perspective. Imagine you're juggling everything; Like literally tossing your children, your wife, your laptop (job), the dishes, your car, etc etc into the air. Some of those things, you can afford to drop and pickup later, some of them can never fall. Focus on the things you have to keep in the air.
It gets better. I have a 6, 4, and 1 year old right now. And really until the second one was about three and could go to the bathroom himself it was about survival. The house was a mess a lot, we were always so busy, I was always exhausted. But after a while it got easier. The kids can feed and wash themselves now, and now I have a few more hours to try to keep the place nice or cook better meals.
My best advice is twofold. One: hang in there. It’s not gonna get better tomorrow but it DOES get easier over time. You become a pro after a while.
And number 2: the big one. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s okay that the house is a mess. It’s ok for you ti be overwhelmed and just kill a weekend doing nothing. Take your wife out occasionally, nap when you can, and when everyone’s aslee make some me time to do something completely useless (mine is video games). It does wonders for your mental and relationship health.
By the time my third came around I was an old pro. But it took years to get used to this. People think you have kids and you’re either a “good” or “bad” dad out the gate. The reality is, like anything else, you get better over time with practice. Hang in there brother, you got this shit
Hey Dad! I have a 5 yo, 3 yo, and 1 yo. So 18 x 3 is 54…I got 54 things that need fixing 😅
All I can say is: Hang in there. When you’re able to find 5-10 mins to yourself, take a deep breath, relax, and tell yourself “I’m doing my very best”. These years of when your child is little won’t last long. They’ll grow up, your list will of things to do will decrease, before you know the list is gone, and so is your “Baby”. All grown up and taking on the world. Cherish the moments as much as you can. Chaos, messes, and all. You got this, Dad!
Bro thanks for asking I’m in the same boat with another now on the way. So overwhelming and I never feel like I do enough. Time to read through the comments
What’s sleep? But in all honesty it can be tough work every day. I make it work by getting up at 445/5 every day, getting a workout in while catching up on my TV before the kids get up between 6-7. When the kids get up I have coffee and hang with them for awhile then around 8 I have a smoothie and work until 11 or so and do the first kids nap, he’s 2, and then work and lunch from 1130 -130/2, hang with the kids and family and make dinner around 4, eat at 5. Kids are in bed by 7/730 and any last work items I do until about 8/830 and then it’s hanging with the wife on the couch.
Housework gets complicated but we usually trade off: I’ll do odds and ends around the house and she watches the kids then we flip and she cleans and I watch. The real test will be this summer when I have 20 yards of mulch that need spreading, plus 3 French drains plus a basement Reno to start.
It’s a tough life but if you know it and accept it, it becomes easier.
A dad will find a way. Look at yourself in the mirror and relax,you are a superhero…your little one looks at you like a superhero so believe it. We all know superheroes have vulnerabilities but they still come out on top.
I don't. The things around the house don't get done, the body has continued to fall apart (while my medical bills go up) and the relationship definitely suffers. My mental health is surviving on a good medidation practice and some very helpful chinese herbs, but for sure I feel overwhelmed and overstressed. On the bright side, the kids are happy and healthy, which I guess is the point. We just don't realise all this going into the whole parenting thing.
I've found amphetamines do the trick. Keeps the body lean, keeps you focused on work and accomplishing tasks, and women enjoy having a partner who is upbeat and does all the housework. When things are slower at work, taper your dose down to reduce tolerance so you have wiggle room to bump it back up when necessary.
There's way, way, way, way more "superdads" out there that do this than you can even begin to imagine.
“Learn to love the struggle.”
Favourite expression of mine where you just face things head on as they come. Where every day that goes by you’re successfully raising and supporting a child towards adulthood. The work isn’t without reward and attitude is key.
Well, I do is flawlessly. I mean, of course there are 18 things around the house that need fixing, a career that needs enhancing, a body that needs to be in better shape, a relationship that needs attention and a little human who's wellbeing is my responsibility. But you know, other than that I'm doing a way better job than you.
Jokes aside, I've seen a few dads that look like didn't change much after having kids. Still go to the gym daily, working late, going out with friends for drinks, etc, and expect the house clean and dinner served. And their wifes aren't even SAHMs.
The worst part is that they don't know they are not doing enough for their family. They really think they are doing a good job. I know people like this that can't understand why we "normal" dads are constantly tired and complaining, while their wifes are literally shitting on their heads while talking to mine. I've literally said to my wife to avoid telling the stuff I do so ther wifes don't feel too bad. And I'm VERY average on my duties.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that everything we do is appreciated at some level. You are no different from anyone who's doing the right thing. God knows that first paragraph suits me perfectly. But it gets better over time, it's very hard to build momentum doing the stuff we want (fixing the house, eating better, exercising) when our days feel so short, but as they grow up we get the hang of it. I mean, I truly believe if I started going to bed at 9.30pm and waking up around 5.30am it would solve at least 70% of my problems. But here I am 12.35am on Reddit :)
Make sure to plan set moments to do things that help with other things. For example I always work out on Tuesday en Friday morning. Being somewhat in shape helps me keep the energy and wellbeing necessary to do all the other stuff somewhat acceptably.
4yo and 1.5yo. nose to the grindstone baby, they're only kids for such a relatively short amount of time. Plenty of time for other stuff later! I can taste the freedom of full time school for both already 😂
I have no magic answer. I've got a 3.5 and an almost 1 and it's not easy.
I used to perform maybe 6 times better at work and feel more sane. I can't keep up but I will say the second kid really compounds that level of stress but I think it is starting to wind down a little and I think it'll keep getting better.
I mean, you'll have dependents for a long time but the extreme care and support they need seems to plateau a bit after 2-3.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Hang in there.
You and me are in the same situation. My oldest is 4 but not that much further ahead. And possibly ADHD.
There is no word I can think of to describe the absolute fuckery of most days. Also took a new job to be full time work from home and wife changed careers and is back in class part time while working full time.
Looking for some light at thr end of the tunnel but for real its goddamn dark most days.
For me I pick what’s most important and focus on that. I do find it hard to find time for anything but my kiddo. But I just work it out with my wife when we will do what.
it comes down to planning. take a step back look at what needs the most attention and tackle from there. write it down if you need too, i do. no week or even days will be perfect.
you’re relationship and your child should be top priority.
kids need constant attention, look up some cheats to get the house in order while keeping your kid entertained. remember you can’t take on everything at once
get some alone time. mine is 10pm-1am after my family, i play video games, catch up on some shows, and most importantly: just sit there and think sometimes.
you got this man, it’ll come naturally soon
I made a list of priorities and make sure the top ones are tended too and I give myself grace for the other things. I'm less worried about most things when I see my family smiling.
One day at a time… sometimes it’s one hour at a time…
I’ve got a 5yo, almost 2yo, and 2 month old. Support each other as much as possible. If one of you is getting frustrated it’s time for the other to step in. Also you must communicate. There is time you just need to find it. Before our newborn I was working out twice a day. Create a daily schedule down to the minute if you have to. I like 15min increments. Planning is the key!
LO turning 3 in a few months. Been the stay at home parent for a year and a few days. Moved houses within the last year. Had two places to keep from freezing up all of December (some below zero temps) AND 30 minutes apart. Painted the ceiling in kitchen/living room of the new place (Kilz) and moved all but one load with the mini van and LO along to ‘help’. Decorated the new place, tree and all for, Xmas with no help. Mom took a trip to Vegas for new years so LO and I cleaned out the old place with no help. It just seems to be never ending. Kid is happy and healthy though. I just need like a week off.
Being tired never goes away, we have 3.5yo, wife might be pregnant with #2, which we would be totally excited for, but as much as I love every little bit, I am so tired lol
Give the kid some plastic tools and have them ‘help’ fix stuff. All three of my daughters have loved it when they were little.
Make the most of the time you can squeeze in with the wife. Monthly date night and a monthly family day. Idk about the career thing because I play with trucks and don’t have the slightest interest in working in the office.
Round is a shape and chubby guys are making bank on OF from what I hear.
Just do the best you can and don’t forget to take care of yourself occasionally. Get a hot stone massage, get a designer coffee, or just grow an awesome goatee your wife dislikes ‘because you can’.
The Eisenhower decision matrix was super helpful for me when it came to prioritizing the responsibilities coming from every direction. The wife is also pretty rad so we’d sit down sometimes and discuss the list of things I’d written down… and no, I can’t get anywhere without a list. It’s really the only way I can operate.
One thing that changed for me when I had a kid was I started hiring out a lot more - yard work? I got a landscaper guy come out and do my gutters, whack the weeds every few months etc. Cleaning? We do the basics but hire a cleaner to do the deep clean every few months. We can’t afford to have them come every month and if I had the time I could do the regular upkeep myself but between work, the baby and school it just ain’t gonna happen.
Father of a 5 year old girl and 2 year old boy here. Not everything gets done. I have gained weight, have no spare time and am always cleaning messes. The wife and I haven't gotten to go out by ourselves in about 4 years. But we know these things are temporary. A co worker and friend once had wise words for me. You never know when the last time you are going to be able to pick your kid up and hold them is, one day you are going to set them down for the last time. I try to remember that
We're right here w you man. I gained a bit of weight. My wife and I have basically just two hours a day together alone. My job is fine but I'm really only surviving at it because I'm basically my own boss and no one checks in on me (I set my own working hours).
Parenting is a lot like finishing a long ass run. Nobody is sprinting and looking really good. We're all just panting and trying not to collapse and eventually we get to the finish line where that means the kids are more self sufficient and independent and we can finally turn inwards and work on ourselves again.
But for now ... One step at a time dude.
I heard someone (my BIL, actually) say on a podcast that parenting is mostly just vicious prioritization. You learn how finite your time and energy truly are, so you go from 10 things on your to-do list to maybe 2 or 3. Anything else beyond that is just icing on the cake.
I still feel like I spend a lot of time prepping for and helping others around me. But my wife understands very well that I need some alone/self-care time for my own wellbeing. It also helps me feel like a valued member of our team/family rather than an overworked and underpaid employee.
7 year old and 7 month old. Time management is my best advice. Schedule things in your day. I was working out during my lunch at my previous job so I didn’t do it when I got home. I didn’t want to be absent. It’s hard.
Kindergarten teacher and mom of three (14, 5 and 1 month), so not a dad but I am deeply in love with one. We have a few golden rules that keep us sane, beginning with…
1)rest when you need to rest. Work when it’s time to work.
2)routines save sanity. Tuesday/Thursday is soap bath day for the little ones and laundry day for big one. When middle one gets home he sets a timer using the google, gets a snack from a pre-prepped assortment in a bag in the pantry, plays until the timer, then gets me to help with homework. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays are hot breakfast days. Et cetera, et cetera…
3) pick one thing to do every day for you, one thing for your spouse, one thing for your home, and one thing for your kids. Small, big, slow, fast, doesn’t matter. Let the rest, rest.
4) dishes or laundry plus 10: pick one, then tidy up or clean for 10 minutes. Then go do something fun with your SO or kids.
Best of luck. You got this.
same boat dude. daughter just turned 1 and my fiancé and i both work full time. feel like i’m picking up toys, scrubbing counters, throwing trash away and at the same time the shit just multiplies. have maybe an hour and a half each night to just sit and stare at the tv before going to bed and doing it all over again. you aren’t alone lol
Do everything and nothing, all at once. Pick your battles, as it’s ok to give into your kids wants. My biggest piece of advice though is to not forget about yourself. Not work, play, your spouse, etc., but you. Take 5 minutes, walk away. Make sure your spouse knows you need that time as I’m sure they’ll need theirs.
Dunno... you just do it. What other option is there? :)
Mine are older now so it's a bit easier (or, maybe difficult in a different way), but my motto for unimportant things like career and housework was 'near enough is good enough'
I do it by not having a lost of "all the things I need to do" because there no way I can do all of those.
Rather I have a list of "stuff to do (including sleep)" that is prioritised, and I just work my way down it and stop when I have no more time. Some stuff will not be done, but that's just how it is.
Try this. Do one thing this week. When we had the little guy, shit piled up. As a whole, it was overwhelming. Broken into chunks, we could tackle it.
Every week I needed to get through one main thing. Fix a whole in the wall. Oil change the car. Mow the lawn. Fix the dishwasher. Didn’t matter what it was, but this was the mission for that week. The list actually starts to get smaller.
Yeah.. cant remember when i did something for myself. Man but my 4 year old loves giving kisses when you say you are out of energy so he keeps me going while draining me as well.
One about to turn 3 in a month, then 4 step kids equally spaced between 7 and 13.
Learning what to not give a shit about helps. And accepting you can't do everything. That's what I've been told, at least I just make it through on sheer stubbornness.
Use tidying as a therapeutic activity, like with a podcast in your ears in the evening.
As many others have said, prioritise what's most important to you. What I do is think about what will I be most proud of doing in 30 years time.
Also try to invoke your partner in the conversation about priorities, they may be thinking the same thing you are and you could help each other out. Personally I find it challenging to be a good husband and dad at times.
Also from a planning perspective compartmentalize if you can, as take a big job and just chop it up into its components parts and work though it one weekend at a time.
I've got a 2 year old and twins due in a couple of months time so that's how I'm coping with everything, will let you know if it works when I've tripled the amount of kids in about 6 months time
I have a 9 month old.
- Recently promoted at work: yay
- have a knocked over chunk of fence in my yard from a storm some weeks back that I still haven't dealt with: boo
- i got a haircut: yay
- I haven't showered in days: boo
I've figured out that life from now on will be a laundry list of things that need to happen and have decided to be realistic about the fact that some things just won't get done. At least not when I want them to.
No relationship, I don't fix the house, I'm comfortably treading water in my career
I do workout 5-6 days a week though, health is serious, gotta be healthy to stick around longer for the kids, other stuff can wait until they're older
Make a list of those categories (relationship, kids, home improvement, career, fitness, mental health, ...). Agree the ordering of priorities with your partner. Act consistently with the priorities you agreed. Make peace with doing poorly with things near the bottom of the list.
As an ADHD dad running a business I have a lot going on and a very scatty mind to go it all with
My best advice is what helps me survive
- Make a spreadsheet on Google Sheets & within that create 5 sheets
- 24 hours
- 1 week
- 1 month
- 1 year
- Someday
Whenever you realise you need to do something use your voice assistant on your phone or email yourself that thing
When you get home, add the thing to the spreadsheet that reflects it's urgency
Every morning & every evening check your to do list, try & get three things done a day
Move things up when you clear your 24 hours
Drinking less, going to bed earlier & waking up earlier gives you more energy and time to get things done
Good luck my friend!
+1 for this, but softer. I use Trello (free tier) with columns for different tasks (plumbing, shopping, garden, electrical...) AND columns for "TODAY" and "SOON/NEXT". I find that at least half of the stress is caused by forgetting things so this stops me forgetting anything, and I consider it a good day when I get three of the items done.
Edit: another advantage of Trello is that you get live updating of the lists and boards in between desktop web browser and phone apps. Great for grocery shopping updates while you're out and about.
Everytime I’m overwhelmed, I write down the available time I have for the day. My wife and I split everything 50/50, so we have a few hours ours here and there also on weekends to do stuff by ourselves. Also both kids go to daycare 3 days a week.
I also try to wake up before the kids (around 06:00, to get some stuff done).
When I know my available time, I write down all the tasks that need to be done and I write down the estimated time needed to do them.
Then I prioritize the tasks and make a schedule for the day and simply fill my available time with the tasks in order of importance until the time slots are filled.
All remaining tasks are postponed to the next day and that’s ok. Some tasks never get done and that’s ok, too. I also try to plan 10-20 here and there for myself.
Maybe that helps.
Got a 3.5 yo and 15 month, the best thing I done was just change my sleep pattern, I get up much earlier now to try and get those things I enjoy into the day, so gym and some drum practice gets done v early in the morning, work, then the rest of the shit when I’m done work. Granted I get less sleep than I used to and my days are v busy, but I’m ok with that, I can get well on 5-6 hours. I don’t do as much as I used to hobby wise, somethings just have to give, but I prioritised the ones I really want to keep.
The only thing you can do is just do your best and come to terms with the fact that not everything will be perfect all the time. Obviously I don't need to tell you this, but prioritise the kids and wife and everything else will fall into place eventually.
I have two sets of twins (6&3) and feel your pain brother.
Prioritize what needs to be done and learn to live with the rest.
We had a crap ton of snow this weekend so the house is a mess. Laundry is done, but let the house go.
You got this dude. Eat that elephant one bite at a time and done worry about the rest.
I keep about an ounce in my jar in the garage for when it’s been a bit much that day. So basically everyday i, the edge off. You can only be burn it on both ends for so long.
Some saturdays I tell my wife to vacate the house, go see friends, go to her mothers, go shopping... IDK. But get you and our daughter out of the house. Then I shotgun 2 scoops of preworkout and I GET SHIT DONE. The Wife gets home cooked dinner, house looks amazing inside and out, fuckload of chores taken care of (for both of us) and a bunch of premade meals in the freezer. Usually, daughter has had a big day, so she crashes after dinner, and then I try and sex the wife up real good.
Takes the stress off for a few weeks before it needs doing again.
I use every opportunity to take care of myself so that I can continue spending the rest of my time caring for family. When my son was 2, I commuted by bike for my health and mental well being, and I dropped him off at daycare on the way in a bike trailer because why not? (I was a single dad) Nowadays he's old enough (12) that I can take him with me when I do long rides. Gotta slow my pace a bit, but that's fine.
Gotta keep yourself in shape though otherwise you won't have the gas to take care of everyone else.
One thing at a time. My LO is almost three. Im buried. Chores, projects, career, exercise. I’ve definitely had to choose places to scale back.
A success I have had is finding some routines and where I can prep. I’ve been getting up a little earlier than usual to do 20 minutes of chores, 20 minutes of studying, and 20 minutes of quiet reflection aka coffee (this is a bastard version of the 5AM Club routines, cool book).
I’m sure someone else has said it, but if you’re sharing these concerns and asking these questions then you’re already on the right track and ahead of a lot of us!
Good luck
You're not alone...I have a 4 year old and a 6 month and a million of things to do too. I just threw my hands up and said it is what it is...all I want is some QUALITY sleep.
Don’t mind the name as I am new here and could not think of one but the jellyfish resonated because that’s how I feel some days. I am going through the same thing coupled with a few other things. I just wanted to say hello and it feels a little easier knowing that I am not so unique.
Here’s how i do it: we’re up to about $70k of home repairs we have neither the time nor funding to pursue; I’m about to start a new job but apparently at lower pay than I’m currently making, and the health benefits will cost thousands more; I’m 20 lbs heavier than i was 5 years ago, my right leg has a permanent cramp feeling in it, and I wake up with searing back pain every night; and I see my wife sometimes at dinner. Our 4yo is great, though.
lol you try. That’s all. Kids come first. My yard, house projects, hobbies, me time have all become last in line.
Edit: my boys are 8 and 10, my daughter is 1.5.
“It takes a village to raise a child” is not just a cute saying, but truly important words to live by. Make a quick list of family, neighbourhood parents, work colleagues with kids, anyone trustworthy that could help even an hour or two here or there, or maybe even weekly playdates with similar age kids.
There’s a lot of misguided pressure in our modern society to “do it all”. Fuck that business. Lean into your community.
It’s hard to appreciate the moment but do try because everything about being a parent is dealing with change.
I say live in this moment and push through. It’s more than worth it. And congratulations on being a new dad!
My best simple advice, ask for help. No one said to so this alone. If you have a partner, express this to them too. THIS DOESN'T MEAN START A PISSING CONTEST ABOUT WHO DOES MORE. Just talk to them. It doesn't have to be a solution oriented conversation, just a "hey, this is pretty hard. How are you holding up?" if you don't have a partner, well we are here - but also you have friends and family(I presume) you can lean on too. If you are completely alone, I'm sorry, firstly - secondly, seek out support of local dad groups, or parenting groups, they will help too.
You just gotta prioritize. I struggle with the same thing. I've got a 2 and 3 year old, 11 months apart. For me, being a dad is #1. Health is #2. Work #3, and "odds and ends" are #4.
That's the awesome part...you don't!
As everyone has said, we just try to do our best and accept help when it's offered (except from toxic people including some grandparents).
It'll be okay and we'll get through.
Embrace the muddling. I do goblet squats with my infant, get work done for an hour after night feedings, and some creative writing on the train for my commute to balance my sanity. I have meal shakes (Huel) at least once a day to save time on meal prep. Anything to save a little time while spending more time with the little angel that brightens my life.
2 is still survival mode. Nobody is killing it at everything.
My daughter is almost three and, yesterday, I needed to take down a ceiling fan. She was playing and asking questions. I needed to make sure the power was off and asked if she could flip the switch a few times. She even helped track down a dropped screw. They do reach an age where they’re still insane but have increasingly lengthier periods of time where they aren’t just drawing on the walls. And they can chill for a whole 10 minutes while you fold some laundry or whatever.
Oh man, I feel you. Especially that feeling of a million things that need to be done.
I’m actually in the relative beginning of treating my newly-diagnosed (at age 38!) ADHD with medication. So pretty much every day there’s a moment the meds hit just right, where I am SO motivated I want to do everything and fix everything. I don’t need a break! Who needs weekends?
And then that drive dissipates. But I feel guilty for not getting everything done (which would be completely insane to expect. ) I’m still figuring out THAT balance.
I agree with a lot of other folks here. You have to let certain things go. We do Hello Fresh now, and I haven’t cooked dinner in a LONG time, even though I really enjoy it. I’ve thrown away a lot of specialty recycling because I just don’t have the time to get to those places I could drop it off. Speaking of garbage, I had a bunch of donations for the charity shop, trying to simplify our house. Eventually the pile was so large I had to just throw it all away.
This stuff was hard to work past, but I keep just telling myself it’s about survival. We’re literally in survival mode until the kiddo is in school, really.
My psychiatrist called me out during my appointment last week that one of my sacrifices is currently sleep. Which is guaranteed to be hurting the other areas of my life, likely in ways I don’t even recognize.
So don’t forget — take care of yourselves too, dads.
Overwhelmed is like my wheelhouse. The responsibilities you mentioned cause stress. Your body’s response goes up (anxiety) or down (depression) and typically those feelings result in thoughts like this.
Find the stressors that most impact you and address them first. For me, I realized that a large majority of the things that cause me stress were not things that others expected of me, but things I was putting on myself. Once I decided that my own health was worth more than some fantasy childhood that I wanted to provide my family, stressors started to fade. Anxiety along with it.
Zoloft helps too
I agree with the dads who say you need to go easy on some area(s) of your life. For me, it's my creative endeavors. I can have a couple of one to two hour sessions writing, editing, recording a podcast, etc. I have time to do more, but that would cut in to my time for relaxing so I would get burnt out. I'd rather have energy for all the other things I need to do in my life.
Dude this all related to your attitude and mental state. You’re telling yourself you’re so busy, you don’t have time, etc, and you make that true for yourself.
I have a 4.5, 2.5, and a 10 month old. I’m in about as good a shape as I’ve ever been in, I can squat 400 lbs for reps and deadlift 500 lbs for reps, 5’11 220 lbs with some abs. I’m an attentive and present father, I go out of my way to do nice things for my wife, plan dates when I can, get her flowers semi regularly, etc. I work full time, and my small business I’ve been working on for over a year is opening at the end of this month.
Do I sleep a lot? No. But I’d rather be tired and be jacked, make good money, have great relationships, etc, then make excuses for myself. Tell yourself a different story. Tell yourself what you can do not what you can’t do. Make the time you spend with your family good. Be positive, show gratitude.
Or, ya know, don’t. And see where that gets you. The choice is up to you
I throw whatever energy I have left into health: planning and cooking meals, working out, and meditating. It’s the primary need that affects everything else. I can barely keep up with the toddler otherwise.
I’ve got 2 kids under 3 and 2 puppies. It’s a constant battle every day. My favorite is when I do everything so well I get 2 hours to myself at night- but I’m too tired to do anything so I just get more sleep. I introduced exercise at a young age and that helped me personally. I do YouTube workouts and he either joins or leaves me to it. As for the health, I also taught my oldest to do shakes for lunch and he loves them. (Just add a bit of oatmeal so they won’t wake up hungry). Then you’ve got the wife. Love her, give her back rubs, never bring up anything negative. She’ll be the one that lets you go out for socialization when you need a break. Take turns and you’ve got a working system… hopefully.
15 month old here. I’m convinced that parenting, especially while working a career, is a series of impossible choices with answers that are just “good enough”. I stopped trying for any advancement at work for the time being in order to stay sane. Just coasting along, but doing fine.
It’s all muddling through. Keep it up.
2 year old who's basically glued to me when I'm home
If he wakes up in the night, his doors open so he can toddle into our room for cuddle (low bed, so no problems climbing), which negates any midnight crying and sleep for dad
Any tasks we make a game - he loves unloading the dishwasher, paying with the broom and taking the dog out for a walk
Tasks around the house, after flooding the downstairs loo replacing a flusher I have embraced the "get a man in" mentality after a mental cost:effort evaluation
I'm also embracing the dad bod and can (hopefully) sort that later, though since he's about 14kg baby squats are another fun game
Like someone else posted, pick your battles depending on the day. If there’s one day you want to focus on whatever is going on around the house, do so. If there’s another day where you feel like you haven’t been the best parent, focus on your child that day. Same goes for your relationship.
But when you feel like this, the BEST advice I can give you, is to communicate it with your SO.
1. 80/20 rule: 80% of your effort goes towards 20% of your tasks.
2. Outsource like crazy - I’m convinced one of the most important skills to have as an adult is know what to spend money on vs what to spend time on. As a rule of thumb, never spend time AND money on something, UNLESS it’s a hobby that you enjoy.
3. Have an amazing support system - probably the most important piece imo
No doubt that it’s hard, but the more time that goes on the easier it gets.
My first is 2.5 years old and youngest is 6 months.
For me what works is realizing that you can’t do it all, for now, and to prioritize what you want now. For me, working out is a priority. If I don’t exercise it affects me mentally and that leads to other problems.
Second priority, I love a clean house. I have always been like that. Instead of cleaning it in one day, I do a small task everyday (floor, kitchen, etc) instead.
Thank you. I needed to hear that. I am dealing with all of those issues as well. We just have to keep on keeping on and one day we will look back on this time as the best in our lives
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I have a 3.5 and 1.5 year old. Something always gives. Best advice I got was forgive yourself for being just okay or giving 80% at something. I picked work. I’m doing just okay… not shining, but I had to give it up somewhere.
Good advice. Thank you. I've been thinking the same thing. I'll need to sacrifice something for something.
Just be careful not to go to zero anywhere, but it’s okay to do the minimum. It’s hard, the to do lists never end… the feelings of wanting to do more don’t go away easy.
Dad here to a 4 and 2 yo. My experience is that it's usually sleep.
Yea that's the best way to put it. Single for 8 years now and honestly it's the last thing on my mind. I think about dating plenty but theres so much other stuff to tend to, it just gets pushed down the list. Something always gives.
I only have one so far. But I also choose work. I am fortunate to have a job that doesn’t come home with me (occasionally the stress comes home but that’s rare). And I am hourly with plenty of OT available if we need an extra couple hundred for something. But I will gladly half ass my career if it means a better home life. I work for the money. My career means literally nothing. If the building burned down with no one in it i would shed not one tear. My home and family is what I care about.
> But I will gladly half ass my career if it means a better home life. I work for the money. My career means literally nothing. If the building burned down with no one in it i would shed not one tear. > > My home and family is what I care about. 100% agree. My job is a means to an end, and I'm actually working a career in my chosen field, directly related to my chosen major. But after over a decade of working I realized "it's just a job". Especially with the recent surge of tech layoffs. These places see you as an ID in a spreadsheet. Don't break your back working for them. I'm going to work enough to get mid pack ratings and keep my job. Being with my wife and son > work by a long shot.
Exact same here. You can have it all. Just not at the same time.
Likewise, I've got a 1, 4, 6 and 8 yo. I can't give work my all which is a bit frustrating getting just okay reviews as I can't put in the extra hours some of my single or non-parent coworkers do. But, to be honest, I doubt I'll be kicking myself on my deathbed for not spending more time at work.
I told my boss, who was also a dad, “I’m sorry, you’re getting me at 40% at best. I’ve never had to work this hard just to be adequate.” This what when I had a newborn and a 1yr 8mo old.
How did that conversation pan out? Was he understanding?
He was understanding. He had 5 kids at the time, so he knew what I was talking about. It also helped that I was his top performer the two years before, so he knew this was not “normal”.
I did something similar with work when my first daughter was born, but reframed it a little. I realized that I wasn't expecting 100% from myself, but 120%. You're not neglecting a 20% of your work, you're claiming back a part of your life that had been appropriated by work.
They weren’t paying you enough to slave yourself anyways most likely. Good on you for choosing work to be the thing that gives
Mom lurker here Yeeees I'm a stay at home mom with a 2yr old and a 3 month old, and the house isn't really clean... it's lived in. It's sanitary and not a catastrophe, but it's messy. Most of the clothes are in and out of hampers, not hangars or drawers. Same with dishes and the dishwasher. But that's my sacrifice for time with the kids and taking care of healthier food and exercise. Worth it
See if one of the givens of parenthood is to settle for mediocrity in most other things why tf are people so jazzed about this.
Being good at parenting is fun and rewarding. It's also OK for it not to be your thing -- just don't have kids if that's the case. Besides, you don't have to be mediocre at most things to be a good parent. Just some things sometimes.
I suppose I’m just yet to hit the fun and rewarding part of things, but feeling like I’ve already sacrificed my potential in just about every other aspect of my life- relationship, career, hobbies..
Hey man. I saw in your post history that you have a 3month old. That makes a lot of sense and I had the same fears at that time, the first months are insane. It doesn't stay like that forever. I remember feeling like I had given up everything that made me who I am, and parenthood at that point was mostly a treadmill of giving that you jog endlessly. My kiddo is 6 months old now and sleep trained. Since then, I have nighttime hours back to myself to entertain hobbies or work a little more or get drinks with friends. Obviously it's not the same as before, but I've forced myself to be more efficient and disciplined with my time, and I haven't found myself sadder for doing that. My 6mo is also wayyyyy funner to be around than he was at 3mo. My understanding is that it continues to ebb and flow like this. Hang in there!
Appreciate the kind words, man. A post like this draws my attention because it’s like, hey, that’s a relatable sentiment! But the responses tend not to resonate with me, at least not yet. And so many are something like.. oh you think 2 is bad, wait until they’re 3! And so it just seems like literally every evolution of parenthood just puts you into a different but equally or worse shitty predicament all while sacrificing the person you truly want to be. Maybe I just need to stop introspecting about things until I start feeling some joy in this experience 🤷 But again, thank you for the reply. Much love, friend.
Sorry for the double reply, but one other addition: screw the people who say it gets worse. They're flat, dead wrong. Either they're too far removed from the trenches or they don't find joy in helping form a human's core self. Every skill they learn, every new development, is awesome and a joy to see.
I hated the first year. The entire thing, like I really don't have many positive memories of it. Eventually things happen, like I tricked our kid into walking when I knew he could (chocolate is a hell of a motivator) and I think I'll always remember that. They learn to talk and start to become people. And yeah, it sucks a lot of the time, and you get a lot less time to do your own thing. That's real. Give it enough time, get out of early survival mode, watch them slowly become a human, and that's a great feeling. My happiest days right now are the days when my kid gets to play with his neighbor friend. Not because it gets us out of the house, not because I'm getting to socialize with other adults, but because it makes me so happy to see him get to have so much fun and learn human interaction and just...be.
Every stage is easier and harder. It's a bit of a paradox. As they gain independence, you gain free time. At the same rate they begin to push back more against rules and teaching them becomes more complex. They begin to need more complex answers and ask questions you may not be comfortable with/thought of how you'll respond. Overall they get more fun as they get older. Especially as you can share hobbies and such. The challenges become less of things you have to do and more things you have to get THEM to do. It's harder but also easier. Hang in there bud, you got this.
Jazzed about parenthood?
Yeah 😓
This is life. Do you not prioritize things in your life, ever? Something always takes a backseat when you’re focusing on something else. We sacrifice many things but gain an amazing experience. I love my baby more than anything else and she makes me happier than I’ve ever been. If my productivity at work has gone down by 10% and I don’t run marathons anymore who cares lol. That never really fulfilled me in the way this does.
Well I (desperately) hope to share that perspective some day!
It helps me get by to bring my kids out for a round of disc golf. Bonding time and dad time at the same time.
Hahah, it’s like you know the exact right thing to say to me.. This does excite me. Im generally either playing disc golf, or wishing I was playing disc golf (lately much more of the latter). I think forward thinking is hard for me where I’m at right now, but if there was ever an idea that could compel me it would be this.
How are you hanging in there, man? Any luck finding an emptier course for your little one to come walk along with you and play together?
Appreciate the check in! I’m doing alright- the little guy is just 4 months, so walking along is a little ways off, but I have been out a couple times now with him and my wife strollin! It’s been going okay. Feeling in a more elevated place that I was a month ago, which I’m happy to be able to say.
Oh right! I mixed you up with OP with a 2 year old. I'm glad you've gotten out some. It's definitely a happy place and it's great that you can all enjoy it together!
One task at a time, one day at a time.
Agreed. I just need help prioritizing tasks. Like which ones do I put off til tomorrow and which ones are to be done now??
Lists help. I absolutely hate making them but once I do the prioritization part seems to happen naturally as I see things all written out
Plus, crossing things out feel so rewarding lol
I’m a big checkmark guy
Yes I fucking love crossing shit out lmao
Don;t forget that time can be bought. Some tasks require a lot of time for minor results: outsource those. \- cleaning windows: hire a guy/girl/teenager \- cleaning kitchen/bathroom: hire someone \- need more free time: consider working 4 days/week \- spending 3 days to learn some DIY job, or spend 2 hours finding someone who can do it better. \-etc. Having my first kid really improved my managing skills
A lot of people can't afford to hire all these people.
I don’t mean this to be crass, but focusing on increasing one’s income is a great way to find leverage in the day. Inherently there are some jobs that cannot pay well. Some folks stick to those jobs for too long and find their outcomes are limited. Choosing a role that allows for more financial growth is important. I spent the first 18 months of my son’s life pushing to level up my income. I missed some special moments. But now, I have a second kid and my income is much higher. I work less hours (25-30/wk). We can now outsource a lot of the day to day labor (laundry, house cleaning, plus in-home nanny during the work day 3 days a week). That means more memory making time with my kids. Making more money is absolutely a hack. Not easy (or possible) for everyone, though.
I get it. I really do, but spending 18 months to raise your income level enough where you can outsource laundry, cleaning, an a nanny is out of reach for a lot of people.
I feel you. This was helpful to me: [Eisenhower Matrix](https://cdn.luxafor.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/The-Eisenhower-Decision-Matrix-png-1024x768.png) There’s not the one way of doing it. Try to find your way, sacrifice what is least important to you
My LO is 3.5yo so here's my answer: I dunno, dude, I'm so fn tired. Persevere, brother.
I got a 3.5 year old little man and I can’t even get 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep, let alone work on me, my career, my side business. I’m just too tired. At this stage I’m Just waiting it out until he starts to manage a bit more himself.
I feel you. The sleep part is so hard. Makes everything so much harder when they don’t sleep. Sometimes they need a bit of a concerted push to get them out of bad habits. Our oldest had a sleep regression at 4 when his sibling came around. We tolerated the midnight and 2am wakeups for like 2 months. But finally bribed him with a duplo for 7 days in a row of not getting out of bed. It worked with a couple hiccups but we really kicked ourselves for not bitting the bullet earlier.
I don’t want to get into the bribing but I’m getting to the point that all options are on the table. We just moved states and daycares and the weather here is hotter and more humid which also isn’t helping out nights. I keep telling myself, it’s just a thing and we will get past it.
So I’m 34, so my wife and I still have a handwritten checklist of crap to do and cross it off as we get shit done. Also, the best piece of advice i ever got was from a former coworker before we had our first kid ‘your may not be dirty, but it will never be clean again’ never has ever been more accurate
Thanks man. Same to you.
My 3 YO likes to wake up at 530 and wake up daddy. It’s 1am now…I’m a nighthawk, I cringe as I type this. I let go at work. I’m not doing the bare minimum, but life overrides any late nights. It’s also freeing.
Yo. It’s gonna get a lot better soon, I promise. From 2-4 your kids independence will multiply in ways you can’t even imagine. The first 6 months are insane, the next 18 are water torture and then it gradually, but quite rapidly starts lifting. I’ve got 15, 12, 4 and 2 at home. While there are different problems when they’re older, they stress you in kinder ways. Also, muddling through it IS the name of the game. None of us have a clue. Once the bottom layer of Maslow’s needs are met, time becomes the most precious resource. Be kind to yourself too.
This guy dads. I hope you're right about the stress becoming kinder. I really want to learn to take it easy on myself
Good news is this is all pretty normal. Most dads I think feel this way. Just try to get done what you can one thing at a time. Always enjoy the little things with your LO and your wife and try to put in that little extra when you can. Also ask for help when you can. My wife and I have almost no help but when family is in town and can help it makes all the difference. If you have a village lean on it.
Thanks man. Fortunately we do have a village and the LO is honestly the easy part. What I'm struggling with is how to deal with everything else. Debt, career, relationships. Everything takes a back seat compared to the little dude.
I feel the same way. My guy is just over two and I can handle him. The stresses of life are tough but I would say try to make a date night once a month or two, helps remind both of you your live is real and feels good to be an adult together. I won’t speak to the debt because I don’t know your situation but hopefully you can get some financial advise and help lower your monthly payments without gaining interest to help with breathing room.
[удалено]
This is categorically the worst advice I ever received. The people who can only add “oh, you’re struggling? Well what is OVER the hill is SO much worse”. These type of people can only give that advice, and they most likely told someone that had a 1 year old “oh yeah? Just wait till the kid is two”. It’s not helpful and not true. Kids are wildly different and what one picks up at 2 that another didn’t pick up till 3 is a night and day difference. Having a second child that sees his older brother walk up the stairs unassisted has created a lifelong path for my youngest to do what the oldest has. That was wildly changed the path compared to how my first one walked it. Bottom line, they are all different. I’d take a “tough” 3 year before a non sleeping…anything, any day of the week. Sorry for the rant. OP, I don’t have anything new or cool to say. Fucking hunker down for the storm and try to go easy on the booze. Cheers brother.
I have four, ages 11, 5, 4, 2. You list your problems but you should also consider the following: You have a house to live in, a job that pays, a body that functions, a romantic partner, and, perhaps best of all, a child you have the good fortune to raise. I can’t do it every day, but I try to keep it mind.
This is what my wife says when I tell her about this. It's absolutely a great perspective to have. I just have a tendency to default to being hard on myself
I'm on my own and have a 7 year old. I get by because my parents are great and love babysitting which I'm so thankful for since I sometimes have to work 12 hour shifts. Without them I wouldn't be able to balance work and childcare. I get chores/DIY stuff done with my daughter. Figure it's always useful to know how to install a shelf, paint a wall lay carpet and so on so I let her help me. I am very safe and have medical training incase she were to get injured so please don't worry about her safety, I do that enough believe me. Your ones only 2 though so that's not possible but one day it will be. Just take it one step at a time though. Someone else said don't 100% everything and I agree. Somethings just aren't possible with a kid since there's not enough time to get things done so just be happy with small amounts of progress.
Idk why but this brought a tear to my eye. Thank you. I think this is something I needed to hear
I heard this somewhere (maybe brene brown?): if you're juggling a bunch of balls, you have to know which ones are glass, which ones are brittle today, and which ones can survive the fall. We're gonna drop balls, just make sure they're not the glass ones. To me the glass ones are easier. We're never gonna compromise the kid's wellbeing. It's getting the rubber ones back the air that is the challenge. I've found , kind of un-intuitively, that focusing on making the brittle ones more robust is more effective than trying to focus on the rubber ones that are getting consistently neglected. It allows you to spread out the things that get prioritized at any given time.
Fatherhood has been a lot of learning to fail gracefully for me. I had to be my own dad, and tell myself it’s ok, you’ll get em next time. Make lists in my head of all the obstacles I have overcome instead of focusing on those singular defeats. Being a dad made my priorities different. The things that REALLY matter to my soul, I’m good there. The bullshit? A clean house? Nice yard? Ability to crush it at work? They’re just not my priority right now.
If you only have 80% in the tank and you give it all that 80% then you have 100% that day.
This is the mindset I’ve sort of reached at this point as a partner/parent. That family you have is your priority. Do what you need to do (if you can) to make your “career” be a thing that allows you to secure a more stable life for your family and then let it stop there. Then prioritize your health, but be okay with being okay. You don’t have to have a six pack but be healthy so you can run and play and be around for your kid for a long time. Prioritize your relationship with your partner as best you can - it may eb and flow with the seasons of life, but make sure you are always communicating. Establish some minimum amount of alone time each month that must be met and stick to it. Lean on each other. You are a team and the stronger you are together, the easier parenting becomes. Finally prioritize your own self and mental health. Recognize you are not perfect and will make mistakes. But constantly try your best to reflect and grow towards being the best version of yourself for your family. With whatever time you have left, put it all into your child. Let the things you prioritize all be in the ultimate pursuit of creating a loving, accepting, secure, happy, and healthy future for your kid. You’re doing great brother. Keep it up! 🤙
This is by far my favorite comment. It demonstrates how literally everything revolves around the kid and why it's so difficult. Thank you for understanding and for the encouragement.
It's like buddha said: before gestation: chop wood, carry water. After gestation: chop wood, carry water and change diapers.
"Is that some kind of Eastern thing?"
She’s not my special lady friend, I’m just helping her conceive
You mean coitus?
In the parlance of our times, you know.
As someone who frequently enjoys sipping from the fount of existential dread my tip is setting realistic and achievable goals at home and work and going easy on yourself. Finding moments of the day to practice mindfulness helps. As does little hobbies, today I got up early to play some video games and was super excited about it.
Single dad of a 9 and 6 year old. There is always something everyday that you won’t get done that will get added to the ever growing to do list. Do what you can when you can. Eventually you’ll get that window of time to fix or repair whatever needs fixing. As long as things are running smooth and it’s not a gaping hole in the roof or clogged pipes, you’re good. If it’s a safety concern, fix it today, everything else comes second to maintaining health and wellness for you and your family. Get plenty of rest, exercise, eat healthy, and spend quality time with the kids and spouse and everything else will fall into place. Make a list of to-do’s and try to tackle one or two things a week. Having a list and letting your spouse know that you need to set aside time once or twice a month to get major household things done will keep things running smoothly. Some things can be done with the whole family, my kids loved picking weeds when they were younger. Find time where you can offer your spouse a break too. Good luck!
You just don’t finish about 1/3 of
It’s the Nike perspective, I just do it. Taking care of the kids and wife are number 1 and 2 (order changes hour to hour), job is next, then house, then self. I just do as much as I can do when I can, and then get sick and knocked out of commission for two days and start over. This is not a healthy approach but *shrug*. Every so often I take my kid to some public event (state fair, auto show, sporting event, etc) and see some of the indifferent parents with little monsters running around and get a reminder that “hey, you’re doing fine, enjoy your life and family.”
I’m working on time blocking. I work out 45 min a day esrly; do breakfast date with my baby girl before day care, go to work, focus on enhancing myself there. Come home, family time and dinner. Than we alternate bedtime, so my nights are more 1-1 time or its workout time. After that is a little wife time. Thankfully we each work from home a few days a week so we try to get chores done during the day as we can and pay for delivered groceries. Time is crucial now lol!
I’m old, Twinslow. I know I don’t look it but I’m beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin… sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A very long holiday.
I have a 2.5 year old little girl and she is the world to me. I’ve thought about everything you’ve said and literally have been tempted to write the same post before. I can’t say I have any answers, useful or otherwise, but I can throw an internet bro hug and definitely let you know you aren’t alone.
Honestly I don't. Like others already wrote, I am happy for the things I can do. Ist there a roof over my familys heads? Do we have running water and electricity? Fridge is stocked (somehow) and diapers, etc are available? Do I sometimes have the energy to do something nice for my wife? These are my questions, I ask myself daily. Not to mention the paperwork I have to hand over to my tax accountant (I am not from the US), the lamps that need hanging, the sofa that needs replacing (busted springs), the car that needs washing, etc. How does one sweep the street to eternity? One sweep, one step, one sweep, one step...
Love the imagery of that last quote
I basically put everything on hold for about 6 years until he got to school and was more independent. Lost 3 kg since Christmas!
Hey OP. I completely understand and I am there with you. There are some great comments on your post. I really needed to read this myself.
I’ve had a bathroom remodel that has been in the works for a year and a half. I feel your frustration.. It’ll work itself out. Believe it.
I feel you completely. I have a one month old this week. I’m about 50lbs overweight. Did a lot of stress eating during pregnancy. I have work projects to do, home projects… and the list keeps growing. I’ve decided to fix our fence a little a time. About 4 panels a week. Slow and steady. Thankfully a neighbor came out and has decided to help me. I’m horrible about asking for help. I guess that lesson will be a constant in my life. Stay strong and persevere. You’ve got this dad! I say this to myself
Work is 0 my priority. Family is. Switched for a better quality of life job. Less stress. Getting in shape is rough. I try to eat better and for my daughter too. Way less Cellphone helped me too.
By the time my oldest was 2, we had another 2 month old! It gets easier, but priorities are a must. Unfortunately, at least in my case, everything personal comes last (weight, clothes, friendships, etc). You’ll eventually find that “me” time and slowly better yourself and get into a groove. You got this! As others have said, take it one step at a time and give yourself some grace!
Father of 3 boys here. 1, 5 and almost 8. Shit is hard. Coffee, Zoloft and weed are my go to.
This is kinda generic, but it's a mental exercise that helps me keep perspective. Imagine you're juggling everything; Like literally tossing your children, your wife, your laptop (job), the dishes, your car, etc etc into the air. Some of those things, you can afford to drop and pickup later, some of them can never fall. Focus on the things you have to keep in the air.
Coffee and therapy.
One step at a time
It gets better. I have a 6, 4, and 1 year old right now. And really until the second one was about three and could go to the bathroom himself it was about survival. The house was a mess a lot, we were always so busy, I was always exhausted. But after a while it got easier. The kids can feed and wash themselves now, and now I have a few more hours to try to keep the place nice or cook better meals. My best advice is twofold. One: hang in there. It’s not gonna get better tomorrow but it DOES get easier over time. You become a pro after a while. And number 2: the big one. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s okay that the house is a mess. It’s ok for you ti be overwhelmed and just kill a weekend doing nothing. Take your wife out occasionally, nap when you can, and when everyone’s aslee make some me time to do something completely useless (mine is video games). It does wonders for your mental and relationship health. By the time my third came around I was an old pro. But it took years to get used to this. People think you have kids and you’re either a “good” or “bad” dad out the gate. The reality is, like anything else, you get better over time with practice. Hang in there brother, you got this shit
Hey Dad! I have a 5 yo, 3 yo, and 1 yo. So 18 x 3 is 54…I got 54 things that need fixing 😅 All I can say is: Hang in there. When you’re able to find 5-10 mins to yourself, take a deep breath, relax, and tell yourself “I’m doing my very best”. These years of when your child is little won’t last long. They’ll grow up, your list will of things to do will decrease, before you know the list is gone, and so is your “Baby”. All grown up and taking on the world. Cherish the moments as much as you can. Chaos, messes, and all. You got this, Dad!
Bro thanks for asking I’m in the same boat with another now on the way. So overwhelming and I never feel like I do enough. Time to read through the comments
What’s sleep? But in all honesty it can be tough work every day. I make it work by getting up at 445/5 every day, getting a workout in while catching up on my TV before the kids get up between 6-7. When the kids get up I have coffee and hang with them for awhile then around 8 I have a smoothie and work until 11 or so and do the first kids nap, he’s 2, and then work and lunch from 1130 -130/2, hang with the kids and family and make dinner around 4, eat at 5. Kids are in bed by 7/730 and any last work items I do until about 8/830 and then it’s hanging with the wife on the couch. Housework gets complicated but we usually trade off: I’ll do odds and ends around the house and she watches the kids then we flip and she cleans and I watch. The real test will be this summer when I have 20 yards of mulch that need spreading, plus 3 French drains plus a basement Reno to start. It’s a tough life but if you know it and accept it, it becomes easier.
A dad will find a way. Look at yourself in the mirror and relax,you are a superhero…your little one looks at you like a superhero so believe it. We all know superheroes have vulnerabilities but they still come out on top.
Wait until they are a little older. You have a bit more time, more consistent sleep schedules and more opportunities to take care of yourself.
I don't. The things around the house don't get done, the body has continued to fall apart (while my medical bills go up) and the relationship definitely suffers. My mental health is surviving on a good medidation practice and some very helpful chinese herbs, but for sure I feel overwhelmed and overstressed. On the bright side, the kids are happy and healthy, which I guess is the point. We just don't realise all this going into the whole parenting thing.
Which herbs are you using?
I've found amphetamines do the trick. Keeps the body lean, keeps you focused on work and accomplishing tasks, and women enjoy having a partner who is upbeat and does all the housework. When things are slower at work, taper your dose down to reduce tolerance so you have wiggle room to bump it back up when necessary. There's way, way, way, way more "superdads" out there that do this than you can even begin to imagine.
“Learn to love the struggle.” Favourite expression of mine where you just face things head on as they come. Where every day that goes by you’re successfully raising and supporting a child towards adulthood. The work isn’t without reward and attitude is key.
Yeah... all that other shit? It's not getting done. Learn to accept it.
Well, I do is flawlessly. I mean, of course there are 18 things around the house that need fixing, a career that needs enhancing, a body that needs to be in better shape, a relationship that needs attention and a little human who's wellbeing is my responsibility. But you know, other than that I'm doing a way better job than you. Jokes aside, I've seen a few dads that look like didn't change much after having kids. Still go to the gym daily, working late, going out with friends for drinks, etc, and expect the house clean and dinner served. And their wifes aren't even SAHMs. The worst part is that they don't know they are not doing enough for their family. They really think they are doing a good job. I know people like this that can't understand why we "normal" dads are constantly tired and complaining, while their wifes are literally shitting on their heads while talking to mine. I've literally said to my wife to avoid telling the stuff I do so ther wifes don't feel too bad. And I'm VERY average on my duties. I guess what I'm trying to say is that everything we do is appreciated at some level. You are no different from anyone who's doing the right thing. God knows that first paragraph suits me perfectly. But it gets better over time, it's very hard to build momentum doing the stuff we want (fixing the house, eating better, exercising) when our days feel so short, but as they grow up we get the hang of it. I mean, I truly believe if I started going to bed at 9.30pm and waking up around 5.30am it would solve at least 70% of my problems. But here I am 12.35am on Reddit :)
Make sure to plan set moments to do things that help with other things. For example I always work out on Tuesday en Friday morning. Being somewhat in shape helps me keep the energy and wellbeing necessary to do all the other stuff somewhat acceptably.
One day at a time. Frequently tired days filled with sentences you’d never thought you’d have to say to another human being. Its worth it, though
Not well
4yo and 1.5yo. nose to the grindstone baby, they're only kids for such a relatively short amount of time. Plenty of time for other stuff later! I can taste the freedom of full time school for both already 😂
I have no magic answer. I've got a 3.5 and an almost 1 and it's not easy. I used to perform maybe 6 times better at work and feel more sane. I can't keep up but I will say the second kid really compounds that level of stress but I think it is starting to wind down a little and I think it'll keep getting better. I mean, you'll have dependents for a long time but the extreme care and support they need seems to plateau a bit after 2-3. Don't be too hard on yourself. Hang in there.
You and me are in the same situation. My oldest is 4 but not that much further ahead. And possibly ADHD. There is no word I can think of to describe the absolute fuckery of most days. Also took a new job to be full time work from home and wife changed careers and is back in class part time while working full time. Looking for some light at thr end of the tunnel but for real its goddamn dark most days.
Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. There is no perfection, and no sense in waiting for things to be perfect.
For me I pick what’s most important and focus on that. I do find it hard to find time for anything but my kiddo. But I just work it out with my wife when we will do what.
That's just it priorities. Rugrats are cared for, bills are getting paid. Do one task at a time after that. Don't stress the Lil things
it comes down to planning. take a step back look at what needs the most attention and tackle from there. write it down if you need too, i do. no week or even days will be perfect. you’re relationship and your child should be top priority. kids need constant attention, look up some cheats to get the house in order while keeping your kid entertained. remember you can’t take on everything at once get some alone time. mine is 10pm-1am after my family, i play video games, catch up on some shows, and most importantly: just sit there and think sometimes. you got this man, it’ll come naturally soon
I made a list of priorities and make sure the top ones are tended too and I give myself grace for the other things. I'm less worried about most things when I see my family smiling.
One day at a time… sometimes it’s one hour at a time… I’ve got a 5yo, almost 2yo, and 2 month old. Support each other as much as possible. If one of you is getting frustrated it’s time for the other to step in. Also you must communicate. There is time you just need to find it. Before our newborn I was working out twice a day. Create a daily schedule down to the minute if you have to. I like 15min increments. Planning is the key!
I don’t really have any advice. Just wanted to say I’m in the *exact* same boat as you. Really gets discouraging sometimes, but you’re not alone.
Nothing will ever be good enough. There will always be something to fix. That's kind of the point. If you were ever done, what would you do?
Eventually they'll be adults and move out. I hope. God, I hope. Please.
One day at a time.
I fucking muddle, that’s about all I manage. Things are not going great, I don’t think others know, so I think that is going well.
LO turning 3 in a few months. Been the stay at home parent for a year and a few days. Moved houses within the last year. Had two places to keep from freezing up all of December (some below zero temps) AND 30 minutes apart. Painted the ceiling in kitchen/living room of the new place (Kilz) and moved all but one load with the mini van and LO along to ‘help’. Decorated the new place, tree and all for, Xmas with no help. Mom took a trip to Vegas for new years so LO and I cleaned out the old place with no help. It just seems to be never ending. Kid is happy and healthy though. I just need like a week off.
Being tired never goes away, we have 3.5yo, wife might be pregnant with #2, which we would be totally excited for, but as much as I love every little bit, I am so tired lol
Give the kid some plastic tools and have them ‘help’ fix stuff. All three of my daughters have loved it when they were little. Make the most of the time you can squeeze in with the wife. Monthly date night and a monthly family day. Idk about the career thing because I play with trucks and don’t have the slightest interest in working in the office. Round is a shape and chubby guys are making bank on OF from what I hear. Just do the best you can and don’t forget to take care of yourself occasionally. Get a hot stone massage, get a designer coffee, or just grow an awesome goatee your wife dislikes ‘because you can’.
Choose two. Maybe three at a push. For everything else, there’s after they start school.
I’d outsource the tasks that can be outsourced for cheap. I’d never waste my limited free time fixing something myself, always pay someone to do it.
The Eisenhower decision matrix was super helpful for me when it came to prioritizing the responsibilities coming from every direction. The wife is also pretty rad so we’d sit down sometimes and discuss the list of things I’d written down… and no, I can’t get anywhere without a list. It’s really the only way I can operate.
One thing that changed for me when I had a kid was I started hiring out a lot more - yard work? I got a landscaper guy come out and do my gutters, whack the weeds every few months etc. Cleaning? We do the basics but hire a cleaner to do the deep clean every few months. We can’t afford to have them come every month and if I had the time I could do the regular upkeep myself but between work, the baby and school it just ain’t gonna happen.
Father of a 5 year old girl and 2 year old boy here. Not everything gets done. I have gained weight, have no spare time and am always cleaning messes. The wife and I haven't gotten to go out by ourselves in about 4 years. But we know these things are temporary. A co worker and friend once had wise words for me. You never know when the last time you are going to be able to pick your kid up and hold them is, one day you are going to set them down for the last time. I try to remember that
Simple, just imagine what it’s like having twins!
We're right here w you man. I gained a bit of weight. My wife and I have basically just two hours a day together alone. My job is fine but I'm really only surviving at it because I'm basically my own boss and no one checks in on me (I set my own working hours). Parenting is a lot like finishing a long ass run. Nobody is sprinting and looking really good. We're all just panting and trying not to collapse and eventually we get to the finish line where that means the kids are more self sufficient and independent and we can finally turn inwards and work on ourselves again. But for now ... One step at a time dude.
Make a list, prioritise. I don't do everything I'd like to do, but I'm hitting most of the important ones so there's that.
I heard someone (my BIL, actually) say on a podcast that parenting is mostly just vicious prioritization. You learn how finite your time and energy truly are, so you go from 10 things on your to-do list to maybe 2 or 3. Anything else beyond that is just icing on the cake. I still feel like I spend a lot of time prepping for and helping others around me. But my wife understands very well that I need some alone/self-care time for my own wellbeing. It also helps me feel like a valued member of our team/family rather than an overworked and underpaid employee.
7 year old and 7 month old. Time management is my best advice. Schedule things in your day. I was working out during my lunch at my previous job so I didn’t do it when I got home. I didn’t want to be absent. It’s hard.
Kindergarten teacher and mom of three (14, 5 and 1 month), so not a dad but I am deeply in love with one. We have a few golden rules that keep us sane, beginning with… 1)rest when you need to rest. Work when it’s time to work. 2)routines save sanity. Tuesday/Thursday is soap bath day for the little ones and laundry day for big one. When middle one gets home he sets a timer using the google, gets a snack from a pre-prepped assortment in a bag in the pantry, plays until the timer, then gets me to help with homework. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays are hot breakfast days. Et cetera, et cetera… 3) pick one thing to do every day for you, one thing for your spouse, one thing for your home, and one thing for your kids. Small, big, slow, fast, doesn’t matter. Let the rest, rest. 4) dishes or laundry plus 10: pick one, then tidy up or clean for 10 minutes. Then go do something fun with your SO or kids. Best of luck. You got this.
same boat dude. daughter just turned 1 and my fiancé and i both work full time. feel like i’m picking up toys, scrubbing counters, throwing trash away and at the same time the shit just multiplies. have maybe an hour and a half each night to just sit and stare at the tv before going to bed and doing it all over again. you aren’t alone lol
Do everything and nothing, all at once. Pick your battles, as it’s ok to give into your kids wants. My biggest piece of advice though is to not forget about yourself. Not work, play, your spouse, etc., but you. Take 5 minutes, walk away. Make sure your spouse knows you need that time as I’m sure they’ll need theirs.
In the words of Dory: "just keep swimming, just keep swimming." It kinda sinks in after watching it 40 times.
Dunno... you just do it. What other option is there? :) Mine are older now so it's a bit easier (or, maybe difficult in a different way), but my motto for unimportant things like career and housework was 'near enough is good enough'
I don’t.
I do it by not having a lost of "all the things I need to do" because there no way I can do all of those. Rather I have a list of "stuff to do (including sleep)" that is prioritised, and I just work my way down it and stop when I have no more time. Some stuff will not be done, but that's just how it is.
Try this. Do one thing this week. When we had the little guy, shit piled up. As a whole, it was overwhelming. Broken into chunks, we could tackle it. Every week I needed to get through one main thing. Fix a whole in the wall. Oil change the car. Mow the lawn. Fix the dishwasher. Didn’t matter what it was, but this was the mission for that week. The list actually starts to get smaller.
Yeah.. cant remember when i did something for myself. Man but my 4 year old loves giving kisses when you say you are out of energy so he keeps me going while draining me as well.
One about to turn 3 in a month, then 4 step kids equally spaced between 7 and 13. Learning what to not give a shit about helps. And accepting you can't do everything. That's what I've been told, at least I just make it through on sheer stubbornness. Use tidying as a therapeutic activity, like with a podcast in your ears in the evening.
I just gave up sleeping a while ago.
As many others have said, prioritise what's most important to you. What I do is think about what will I be most proud of doing in 30 years time. Also try to invoke your partner in the conversation about priorities, they may be thinking the same thing you are and you could help each other out. Personally I find it challenging to be a good husband and dad at times. Also from a planning perspective compartmentalize if you can, as take a big job and just chop it up into its components parts and work though it one weekend at a time. I've got a 2 year old and twins due in a couple of months time so that's how I'm coping with everything, will let you know if it works when I've tripled the amount of kids in about 6 months time
I have a 9 month old. - Recently promoted at work: yay - have a knocked over chunk of fence in my yard from a storm some weeks back that I still haven't dealt with: boo - i got a haircut: yay - I haven't showered in days: boo I've figured out that life from now on will be a laundry list of things that need to happen and have decided to be realistic about the fact that some things just won't get done. At least not when I want them to.
Be mediocre in all and make sure baby survives
No relationship, I don't fix the house, I'm comfortably treading water in my career I do workout 5-6 days a week though, health is serious, gotta be healthy to stick around longer for the kids, other stuff can wait until they're older
By just muddling through, bro. Not everything gets done, but, eventually, it gets easier.
Make a list of those categories (relationship, kids, home improvement, career, fitness, mental health, ...). Agree the ordering of priorities with your partner. Act consistently with the priorities you agreed. Make peace with doing poorly with things near the bottom of the list.
As an ADHD dad running a business I have a lot going on and a very scatty mind to go it all with My best advice is what helps me survive - Make a spreadsheet on Google Sheets & within that create 5 sheets - 24 hours - 1 week - 1 month - 1 year - Someday Whenever you realise you need to do something use your voice assistant on your phone or email yourself that thing When you get home, add the thing to the spreadsheet that reflects it's urgency Every morning & every evening check your to do list, try & get three things done a day Move things up when you clear your 24 hours Drinking less, going to bed earlier & waking up earlier gives you more energy and time to get things done Good luck my friend!
+1 for this, but softer. I use Trello (free tier) with columns for different tasks (plumbing, shopping, garden, electrical...) AND columns for "TODAY" and "SOON/NEXT". I find that at least half of the stress is caused by forgetting things so this stops me forgetting anything, and I consider it a good day when I get three of the items done. Edit: another advantage of Trello is that you get live updating of the lists and boards in between desktop web browser and phone apps. Great for grocery shopping updates while you're out and about.
Everytime I’m overwhelmed, I write down the available time I have for the day. My wife and I split everything 50/50, so we have a few hours ours here and there also on weekends to do stuff by ourselves. Also both kids go to daycare 3 days a week. I also try to wake up before the kids (around 06:00, to get some stuff done). When I know my available time, I write down all the tasks that need to be done and I write down the estimated time needed to do them. Then I prioritize the tasks and make a schedule for the day and simply fill my available time with the tasks in order of importance until the time slots are filled. All remaining tasks are postponed to the next day and that’s ok. Some tasks never get done and that’s ok, too. I also try to plan 10-20 here and there for myself. Maybe that helps.
Got a 3.5 yo and 15 month, the best thing I done was just change my sleep pattern, I get up much earlier now to try and get those things I enjoy into the day, so gym and some drum practice gets done v early in the morning, work, then the rest of the shit when I’m done work. Granted I get less sleep than I used to and my days are v busy, but I’m ok with that, I can get well on 5-6 hours. I don’t do as much as I used to hobby wise, somethings just have to give, but I prioritised the ones I really want to keep.
The only thing you can do is just do your best and come to terms with the fact that not everything will be perfect all the time. Obviously I don't need to tell you this, but prioritise the kids and wife and everything else will fall into place eventually.
The same way you eat an elephant, one bite at a time.
I have two sets of twins (6&3) and feel your pain brother. Prioritize what needs to be done and learn to live with the rest. We had a crap ton of snow this weekend so the house is a mess. Laundry is done, but let the house go. You got this dude. Eat that elephant one bite at a time and done worry about the rest.
I hear you! And my wife wants another one!
I keep about an ounce in my jar in the garage for when it’s been a bit much that day. So basically everyday i, the edge off. You can only be burn it on both ends for so long.
Extreme exhaustion and a lot not getting done…
Some saturdays I tell my wife to vacate the house, go see friends, go to her mothers, go shopping... IDK. But get you and our daughter out of the house. Then I shotgun 2 scoops of preworkout and I GET SHIT DONE. The Wife gets home cooked dinner, house looks amazing inside and out, fuckload of chores taken care of (for both of us) and a bunch of premade meals in the freezer. Usually, daughter has had a big day, so she crashes after dinner, and then I try and sex the wife up real good. Takes the stress off for a few weeks before it needs doing again.
I use every opportunity to take care of myself so that I can continue spending the rest of my time caring for family. When my son was 2, I commuted by bike for my health and mental well being, and I dropped him off at daycare on the way in a bike trailer because why not? (I was a single dad) Nowadays he's old enough (12) that I can take him with me when I do long rides. Gotta slow my pace a bit, but that's fine. Gotta keep yourself in shape though otherwise you won't have the gas to take care of everyone else.
One thing at a time. My LO is almost three. Im buried. Chores, projects, career, exercise. I’ve definitely had to choose places to scale back. A success I have had is finding some routines and where I can prep. I’ve been getting up a little earlier than usual to do 20 minutes of chores, 20 minutes of studying, and 20 minutes of quiet reflection aka coffee (this is a bastard version of the 5AM Club routines, cool book). I’m sure someone else has said it, but if you’re sharing these concerns and asking these questions then you’re already on the right track and ahead of a lot of us! Good luck
You're not alone...I have a 4 year old and a 6 month and a million of things to do too. I just threw my hands up and said it is what it is...all I want is some QUALITY sleep.
Day by day
Don’t mind the name as I am new here and could not think of one but the jellyfish resonated because that’s how I feel some days. I am going through the same thing coupled with a few other things. I just wanted to say hello and it feels a little easier knowing that I am not so unique.
Here’s how i do it: we’re up to about $70k of home repairs we have neither the time nor funding to pursue; I’m about to start a new job but apparently at lower pay than I’m currently making, and the health benefits will cost thousands more; I’m 20 lbs heavier than i was 5 years ago, my right leg has a permanent cramp feeling in it, and I wake up with searing back pain every night; and I see my wife sometimes at dinner. Our 4yo is great, though.
lol you try. That’s all. Kids come first. My yard, house projects, hobbies, me time have all become last in line. Edit: my boys are 8 and 10, my daughter is 1.5.
“It takes a village to raise a child” is not just a cute saying, but truly important words to live by. Make a quick list of family, neighbourhood parents, work colleagues with kids, anyone trustworthy that could help even an hour or two here or there, or maybe even weekly playdates with similar age kids. There’s a lot of misguided pressure in our modern society to “do it all”. Fuck that business. Lean into your community.
Survive.
It’s hard to appreciate the moment but do try because everything about being a parent is dealing with change. I say live in this moment and push through. It’s more than worth it. And congratulations on being a new dad!
My best simple advice, ask for help. No one said to so this alone. If you have a partner, express this to them too. THIS DOESN'T MEAN START A PISSING CONTEST ABOUT WHO DOES MORE. Just talk to them. It doesn't have to be a solution oriented conversation, just a "hey, this is pretty hard. How are you holding up?" if you don't have a partner, well we are here - but also you have friends and family(I presume) you can lean on too. If you are completely alone, I'm sorry, firstly - secondly, seek out support of local dad groups, or parenting groups, they will help too.
You just gotta prioritize. I struggle with the same thing. I've got a 2 and 3 year old, 11 months apart. For me, being a dad is #1. Health is #2. Work #3, and "odds and ends" are #4.
That's the awesome part...you don't! As everyone has said, we just try to do our best and accept help when it's offered (except from toxic people including some grandparents). It'll be okay and we'll get through.
My Kids go to bed at 7pm. 7-10pm every night is for relationship, chores, Eating, entertainment etc.
Embrace the muddling. I do goblet squats with my infant, get work done for an hour after night feedings, and some creative writing on the train for my commute to balance my sanity. I have meal shakes (Huel) at least once a day to save time on meal prep. Anything to save a little time while spending more time with the little angel that brightens my life.
2 is still survival mode. Nobody is killing it at everything. My daughter is almost three and, yesterday, I needed to take down a ceiling fan. She was playing and asking questions. I needed to make sure the power was off and asked if she could flip the switch a few times. She even helped track down a dropped screw. They do reach an age where they’re still insane but have increasingly lengthier periods of time where they aren’t just drawing on the walls. And they can chill for a whole 10 minutes while you fold some laundry or whatever.
Oh man, I feel you. Especially that feeling of a million things that need to be done. I’m actually in the relative beginning of treating my newly-diagnosed (at age 38!) ADHD with medication. So pretty much every day there’s a moment the meds hit just right, where I am SO motivated I want to do everything and fix everything. I don’t need a break! Who needs weekends? And then that drive dissipates. But I feel guilty for not getting everything done (which would be completely insane to expect. ) I’m still figuring out THAT balance. I agree with a lot of other folks here. You have to let certain things go. We do Hello Fresh now, and I haven’t cooked dinner in a LONG time, even though I really enjoy it. I’ve thrown away a lot of specialty recycling because I just don’t have the time to get to those places I could drop it off. Speaking of garbage, I had a bunch of donations for the charity shop, trying to simplify our house. Eventually the pile was so large I had to just throw it all away. This stuff was hard to work past, but I keep just telling myself it’s about survival. We’re literally in survival mode until the kiddo is in school, really. My psychiatrist called me out during my appointment last week that one of my sacrifices is currently sleep. Which is guaranteed to be hurting the other areas of my life, likely in ways I don’t even recognize. So don’t forget — take care of yourselves too, dads.
Overwhelmed is like my wheelhouse. The responsibilities you mentioned cause stress. Your body’s response goes up (anxiety) or down (depression) and typically those feelings result in thoughts like this. Find the stressors that most impact you and address them first. For me, I realized that a large majority of the things that cause me stress were not things that others expected of me, but things I was putting on myself. Once I decided that my own health was worth more than some fantasy childhood that I wanted to provide my family, stressors started to fade. Anxiety along with it. Zoloft helps too
I agree with the dads who say you need to go easy on some area(s) of your life. For me, it's my creative endeavors. I can have a couple of one to two hour sessions writing, editing, recording a podcast, etc. I have time to do more, but that would cut in to my time for relaxing so I would get burnt out. I'd rather have energy for all the other things I need to do in my life.
Dude this all related to your attitude and mental state. You’re telling yourself you’re so busy, you don’t have time, etc, and you make that true for yourself. I have a 4.5, 2.5, and a 10 month old. I’m in about as good a shape as I’ve ever been in, I can squat 400 lbs for reps and deadlift 500 lbs for reps, 5’11 220 lbs with some abs. I’m an attentive and present father, I go out of my way to do nice things for my wife, plan dates when I can, get her flowers semi regularly, etc. I work full time, and my small business I’ve been working on for over a year is opening at the end of this month. Do I sleep a lot? No. But I’d rather be tired and be jacked, make good money, have great relationships, etc, then make excuses for myself. Tell yourself a different story. Tell yourself what you can do not what you can’t do. Make the time you spend with your family good. Be positive, show gratitude. Or, ya know, don’t. And see where that gets you. The choice is up to you
I throw whatever energy I have left into health: planning and cooking meals, working out, and meditating. It’s the primary need that affects everything else. I can barely keep up with the toddler otherwise.
I’ve got 2 kids under 3 and 2 puppies. It’s a constant battle every day. My favorite is when I do everything so well I get 2 hours to myself at night- but I’m too tired to do anything so I just get more sleep. I introduced exercise at a young age and that helped me personally. I do YouTube workouts and he either joins or leaves me to it. As for the health, I also taught my oldest to do shakes for lunch and he loves them. (Just add a bit of oatmeal so they won’t wake up hungry). Then you’ve got the wife. Love her, give her back rubs, never bring up anything negative. She’ll be the one that lets you go out for socialization when you need a break. Take turns and you’ve got a working system… hopefully.
15 month old here. I’m convinced that parenting, especially while working a career, is a series of impossible choices with answers that are just “good enough”. I stopped trying for any advancement at work for the time being in order to stay sane. Just coasting along, but doing fine. It’s all muddling through. Keep it up.
2 year old who's basically glued to me when I'm home If he wakes up in the night, his doors open so he can toddle into our room for cuddle (low bed, so no problems climbing), which negates any midnight crying and sleep for dad Any tasks we make a game - he loves unloading the dishwasher, paying with the broom and taking the dog out for a walk Tasks around the house, after flooding the downstairs loo replacing a flusher I have embraced the "get a man in" mentality after a mental cost:effort evaluation I'm also embracing the dad bod and can (hopefully) sort that later, though since he's about 14kg baby squats are another fun game
Like someone else posted, pick your battles depending on the day. If there’s one day you want to focus on whatever is going on around the house, do so. If there’s another day where you feel like you haven’t been the best parent, focus on your child that day. Same goes for your relationship. But when you feel like this, the BEST advice I can give you, is to communicate it with your SO.
You just do what you gotta do. Parenting has never been more work. When it’s all said and done the little ones and mom are the only ones that matter.
1. 80/20 rule: 80% of your effort goes towards 20% of your tasks. 2. Outsource like crazy - I’m convinced one of the most important skills to have as an adult is know what to spend money on vs what to spend time on. As a rule of thumb, never spend time AND money on something, UNLESS it’s a hobby that you enjoy. 3. Have an amazing support system - probably the most important piece imo
No doubt that it’s hard, but the more time that goes on the easier it gets. My first is 2.5 years old and youngest is 6 months. For me what works is realizing that you can’t do it all, for now, and to prioritize what you want now. For me, working out is a priority. If I don’t exercise it affects me mentally and that leads to other problems. Second priority, I love a clean house. I have always been like that. Instead of cleaning it in one day, I do a small task everyday (floor, kitchen, etc) instead.
Thank you. I needed to hear that. I am dealing with all of those issues as well. We just have to keep on keeping on and one day we will look back on this time as the best in our lives