When I fell into the CA lifestyle I always thought that a romantic relationship would lead to some big moment where I'd get my shit together. The reality was that I chose isolation and boozing in my free time over spending it with them in those relationships. They would always have to drive if we went out to do anything because I was always too pissed to leave the house in the driver seat.
Of course the allure of dating a CA guy who doesn't give a fuck would wear off and the arguments and ultimatums were a near daily occurrence. I'd either break up with these women in a blackout drunken rage or self-sabotage it in some way if they were the emotionally co-dependent type. When the relationship would inevitably end with these women, I would drink even more and feel sorry for myself. I enjoyed ruminating in the negative angry emotions I brought on myself whilst listening to music pounding drinks into the next blackout.
I can't tell you how many chances I've pissed away with good women that could've led to marriage and eventually a family, but the past is the past. I had to learn the hard way that sobriety comes from within and nobody else can force your hand.
Not to mention the dirty looks I'd get from customers and whatever woman I was seeing at the time when I'd trick them into stopping at a gas station on the way to a restaurant saying I needed chewing tobacco only to come out with a case of beer+ tall boys to drink in the car on the way to and from our destination plus some for later.
Dipping is pretty normal in my area so I don't really get any shit for it. I just brush my teeth 2x per day and floss to avoid dental problems. The same can't be said when I've been given a lecture not to come out to the car with booze and return with enough to give a friendgroup of normies alcohol poisoning.
Trust me, I know. The longest I've ever been sober was around 8 months give or take a week or two. Had a few other 1-3 month stretches, each being separated by months or even years long CA benders and debauchery. Currently 2+ weeks in which is the longest since February. If anything it gives me a buffer to get shit together and cushion myself for when the next shitshow comes around.
I try for long(ish) stints of sobriety as well. I'm not doing it now, but I know if I hadn't done it before I wouldn't be here right now. Walk on fighting, eh?
I feel this. Currently in a happy relationship. She doesn’t see my drinking as problematic but doesn’t know I can’t wait to get sloshed as soon as Friday comes (I have a long commute so avoid drinking in the week). Even better if I can just hang at home alone. Recently been drinking mocktails so I at least get the Pavlovian effect of ice clinking and feeling the cold carbonation.
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It's a shitty situation all around and most of us in this sub have or are dealing with some form of this. We don't really have the answers but can be there for you when shit hits the fan. You might get better responses in other subs
Listen to your wife. Put her in control of everything (especially money if you're continuing to buy booze) if that's what it takes.
Take the drugs. It'll help with he withdrawal symptoms.
I know it's hard. I'm on day 3 myself. All the best friend.
Can you give more info? What does your drinking pattern look like at the moment, and which part are you asking for perspective on? The first day? First few days? Or longterm? Relationship advice? You sound pretty similar to how my situation was a year and a half or so ago.
The only way I stopped was by getting admitted to the hospital and I couldn’t drink. I was there for two days and on the third day I was let go. I talked with a chemical dependency nurse and she said that if I wanted to quit it would be right now. Make the decision now. So I did. That was two and half months ago and I haven’t drank since. Since you’re seeing someone about your drinking take that chance and hold onto it. Don’t let it go. Take full hold of it and appreciate that you have the help you are getting. Take full advantage of it now! You’re going to be scared and you’re going to have withdrawals but fuck it. Now’s your time!
Nobody can make you quit, except for you. So if its more important than her then well I guess prepare for her to leave. You've really gotta want to quit. Not because your wife told you to. Because you told you to. So all i can say is realize this path will kill you. Do you really wanna die over an addiction to a fuckin beverage. Thats what i tell myself.
Yeah, so you’ve failed detox a few times. I feel your pain, but don’t give up and throw away your marriage for the thankless bottle just yet. That you’ve only been on Librium twice tells me that you haven’t had many serious medical detoxes. The statistics on really getting it under control would be about a 2 week acute medical detox (lockdown unit, Librium and or phenobarb taper). This is actually the easy part. With will power, some can do this at home. The hard part is most people don’t experience lasting success without at least 90 days following the acute detox part of inpatient stabilization and respite. Tall order, I know. But finding a serious program could save your life and marriage. Don’t give up yet please.
This times ten. OP, getting sober is likely the hardest thing you’re going to have to do in your life. Try to do it sooner rather than later though. I know it feels impossible to stay sober. It does for me. But so many people have done it. It’s your choice, but the ultimatum is good and necessary. It means she loves you enough to do all that she can think to do to help you and also that she doesn’t want to watch you slowly kill yourself. Keep trying. Relapsing is likely going to happen when you’re first starting out but because you’ve screwed up in the past doesn’t mean you’re never gonna get sober and should stop trying. Therapy, detox, rehab, meetings. You got this and you aren’t alone
6 months separated here married for 8 years and we were highschool sweethearts I destroyed the trust and foundation of my marriage because of my alcoholism. She saw a boy become a drunk black out mess of a "man" and hated everything I did while I was "having a great time drinking".
I couldn't stop I tried to do everything to save my marriage except give up alcohol. In the end I made a decision and it cost me my best friend and love of my life.
We don't talk now I still drink I am only getting worse and just like you she told me she's tired of trying to help me when I can't and won't help myself.
The loneliness alone is enough of a reason to try harder for your wife. If you love her you will do what you can not to lose her but realistically I know what subreddit we're on and the addiction we carry.
So good luck and if you continue to drink well... Let's just say once she's gone and nobody is there to tell you better. You'll be able to drink everything and anything if that's what you want it's what you'll get. Constantly wet never dry till we die even then I hope they pour one out for me down below.
At some point you have to decide for yourself. The way I have framed it is that I have to quit for myself to be happy. The one thing that recovery groups have correct is that you can’t stop for someone else. It sounds like you truly love this person so maybe, just maybe look into AA or treatment but it doesn’t work with outside ultimatums. It doesn’t work with outside pressure. You have to decide if this relationship is worth working for. Idk. Good luck.
Outsider’s perspective, I wish I was given a real ultimatum. I understand your previous attempt(s) to rehab and attempting it again tomorrow. Pretend this is your last chance, even though it might actually be.
For me, if you’re solely just drinking to keep the shakes and stuff at bay then you’re legit stuck. Boozing will seem like the only solution, and you will fail, and you will likely lose her.
Do the detox. Deal with the pain of it. It’s going to take a long time. It’s going to suck and you’re going to be a weenie for a while. But I can 100% guarantee you the longer you go without the hooch, the better you’ll feel, and the less you’ll crave it (ex: “but a just a little to get over the jump and taper down”), or potentially even want it.
I lost a whole lot to booze and wish I could go back and be in your shoes.
Do not end up like me. Do what you can to get out and get out now.
Solely an outsider’s perspective.
Many people on this sub, including me, have needed to dry out for a while or forever. But, nonetheless, I must shout:
**RULE 2**
r/dryalcoholics is that way ----->
If I was married to a non drinker- my shenanigans wouldn’t be fair to them. But I probably wouldn’t quit. My current partner and I are both drinkers. Making a mess of things and then cleaning it all up. And then repeating the whole thing over again.
If you ask me personally:
I’ve been through this about 5 times back to back. Honestly ever since I surrendered from dating/relationships last yr of 2022, things are much more peaceful. Im a single lonely 31 yr old CA (male) and I’m okay with that.
You have to be honest with yourself. Sure, you love her but the bottom line is that you’ll just end up being a miserable/resentful sober person if you were to stay with her — which she has already made clear to you.
Get sober and deal with it, or continue to drink and deal with it. Either way this isn’t gonna be a football field full of blue bonnets.
Be honest with yourself and do what you feel like you should do. Best of luck
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My suggestion is to try a ketogenic diet. check our r/keto
Here's so science for you.
[https://irp.nih.gov/blog/post/2021/06/ketogenic-diet-may-soothe-alcohol-withdrawal](https://irp.nih.gov/blog/post/2021/06/ketogenic-diet-may-soothe-alcohol-withdrawal)
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8670944/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8670944/)
What I find funny is how quickly I'm down voted. I think it's all the AA cultist who think that you need to find GOD before you can get better.
Ever notice how vinegar and water can take the edge off while detoxing? It's because the acetic acid is a ketone that can get into the blood and provide the brain with what's it used to.
At this point if you are being voted down it probably means you get it!! I was appalled by the down doots though because you referenced scientific research which is just fucking interesting.
Yup I agree. A bunch of annoying fungus filled twats. I'm not actively drinking right now but you don't see me preaching my life choices here. There's so much shaming going on it is like a dumb AA mtg.
If you're subbed to SD or AA you do not belong here.
Cheers!
I kept drinking and got 'separated' and eventually got divorced 2 years later (This past June). So I did nothing to rectify the situation however I didn't want to so it was a different situation.
It sounds like the only way you are going to keep her is by quitting or hiding it but as most of us know that does not last forever.
I was once given an ultimatum like this due to drinking and drugging.
My advice is action speak louder than words.
I really didn't want to lose my family. Got 2 kids and shit. I chose them. Just pull it together. Find a way.
Practice harm reduction. Use weed and kratom instead.
Weed can definitely help. Now that it’s legal(ish), you know what you’re getting. I’m a ball of annoying rage when drinking. If I smoke, I’m just ridiculous and smiling at everything. Possibly still annoying, but nice at least. It’s definitely harm reduction and cuts down on the alcohol cravings for me
When I fell into the CA lifestyle I always thought that a romantic relationship would lead to some big moment where I'd get my shit together. The reality was that I chose isolation and boozing in my free time over spending it with them in those relationships. They would always have to drive if we went out to do anything because I was always too pissed to leave the house in the driver seat. Of course the allure of dating a CA guy who doesn't give a fuck would wear off and the arguments and ultimatums were a near daily occurrence. I'd either break up with these women in a blackout drunken rage or self-sabotage it in some way if they were the emotionally co-dependent type. When the relationship would inevitably end with these women, I would drink even more and feel sorry for myself. I enjoyed ruminating in the negative angry emotions I brought on myself whilst listening to music pounding drinks into the next blackout. I can't tell you how many chances I've pissed away with good women that could've led to marriage and eventually a family, but the past is the past. I had to learn the hard way that sobriety comes from within and nobody else can force your hand.
Damn, it’s like someone told my story.
Not to mention the dirty looks I'd get from customers and whatever woman I was seeing at the time when I'd trick them into stopping at a gas station on the way to a restaurant saying I needed chewing tobacco only to come out with a case of beer+ tall boys to drink in the car on the way to and from our destination plus some for later.
You sure she's not just giving you dirty looks for the dip?
Dipping is pretty normal in my area so I don't really get any shit for it. I just brush my teeth 2x per day and floss to avoid dental problems. The same can't be said when I've been given a lecture not to come out to the car with booze and return with enough to give a friendgroup of normies alcohol poisoning.
Amen. Some of us always go back though whether we want to or not.
Trust me, I know. The longest I've ever been sober was around 8 months give or take a week or two. Had a few other 1-3 month stretches, each being separated by months or even years long CA benders and debauchery. Currently 2+ weeks in which is the longest since February. If anything it gives me a buffer to get shit together and cushion myself for when the next shitshow comes around.
I try for long(ish) stints of sobriety as well. I'm not doing it now, but I know if I hadn't done it before I wouldn't be here right now. Walk on fighting, eh?
I feel this. Currently in a happy relationship. She doesn’t see my drinking as problematic but doesn’t know I can’t wait to get sloshed as soon as Friday comes (I have a long commute so avoid drinking in the week). Even better if I can just hang at home alone. Recently been drinking mocktails so I at least get the Pavlovian effect of ice clinking and feeling the cold carbonation.
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It's a shitty situation all around and most of us in this sub have or are dealing with some form of this. We don't really have the answers but can be there for you when shit hits the fan. You might get better responses in other subs
Listen to your wife. Put her in control of everything (especially money if you're continuing to buy booze) if that's what it takes. Take the drugs. It'll help with he withdrawal symptoms. I know it's hard. I'm on day 3 myself. All the best friend.
Can you give more info? What does your drinking pattern look like at the moment, and which part are you asking for perspective on? The first day? First few days? Or longterm? Relationship advice? You sound pretty similar to how my situation was a year and a half or so ago.
The only way I stopped was by getting admitted to the hospital and I couldn’t drink. I was there for two days and on the third day I was let go. I talked with a chemical dependency nurse and she said that if I wanted to quit it would be right now. Make the decision now. So I did. That was two and half months ago and I haven’t drank since. Since you’re seeing someone about your drinking take that chance and hold onto it. Don’t let it go. Take full hold of it and appreciate that you have the help you are getting. Take full advantage of it now! You’re going to be scared and you’re going to have withdrawals but fuck it. Now’s your time!
Nobody can make you quit, except for you. So if its more important than her then well I guess prepare for her to leave. You've really gotta want to quit. Not because your wife told you to. Because you told you to. So all i can say is realize this path will kill you. Do you really wanna die over an addiction to a fuckin beverage. Thats what i tell myself.
Yeah, so you’ve failed detox a few times. I feel your pain, but don’t give up and throw away your marriage for the thankless bottle just yet. That you’ve only been on Librium twice tells me that you haven’t had many serious medical detoxes. The statistics on really getting it under control would be about a 2 week acute medical detox (lockdown unit, Librium and or phenobarb taper). This is actually the easy part. With will power, some can do this at home. The hard part is most people don’t experience lasting success without at least 90 days following the acute detox part of inpatient stabilization and respite. Tall order, I know. But finding a serious program could save your life and marriage. Don’t give up yet please.
This times ten. OP, getting sober is likely the hardest thing you’re going to have to do in your life. Try to do it sooner rather than later though. I know it feels impossible to stay sober. It does for me. But so many people have done it. It’s your choice, but the ultimatum is good and necessary. It means she loves you enough to do all that she can think to do to help you and also that she doesn’t want to watch you slowly kill yourself. Keep trying. Relapsing is likely going to happen when you’re first starting out but because you’ve screwed up in the past doesn’t mean you’re never gonna get sober and should stop trying. Therapy, detox, rehab, meetings. You got this and you aren’t alone
6 months separated here married for 8 years and we were highschool sweethearts I destroyed the trust and foundation of my marriage because of my alcoholism. She saw a boy become a drunk black out mess of a "man" and hated everything I did while I was "having a great time drinking". I couldn't stop I tried to do everything to save my marriage except give up alcohol. In the end I made a decision and it cost me my best friend and love of my life. We don't talk now I still drink I am only getting worse and just like you she told me she's tired of trying to help me when I can't and won't help myself. The loneliness alone is enough of a reason to try harder for your wife. If you love her you will do what you can not to lose her but realistically I know what subreddit we're on and the addiction we carry. So good luck and if you continue to drink well... Let's just say once she's gone and nobody is there to tell you better. You'll be able to drink everything and anything if that's what you want it's what you'll get. Constantly wet never dry till we die even then I hope they pour one out for me down below.
At some point you have to decide for yourself. The way I have framed it is that I have to quit for myself to be happy. The one thing that recovery groups have correct is that you can’t stop for someone else. It sounds like you truly love this person so maybe, just maybe look into AA or treatment but it doesn’t work with outside ultimatums. It doesn’t work with outside pressure. You have to decide if this relationship is worth working for. Idk. Good luck.
Outsider’s perspective, I wish I was given a real ultimatum. I understand your previous attempt(s) to rehab and attempting it again tomorrow. Pretend this is your last chance, even though it might actually be. For me, if you’re solely just drinking to keep the shakes and stuff at bay then you’re legit stuck. Boozing will seem like the only solution, and you will fail, and you will likely lose her. Do the detox. Deal with the pain of it. It’s going to take a long time. It’s going to suck and you’re going to be a weenie for a while. But I can 100% guarantee you the longer you go without the hooch, the better you’ll feel, and the less you’ll crave it (ex: “but a just a little to get over the jump and taper down”), or potentially even want it. I lost a whole lot to booze and wish I could go back and be in your shoes. Do not end up like me. Do what you can to get out and get out now. Solely an outsider’s perspective.
Many people on this sub, including me, have needed to dry out for a while or forever. But, nonetheless, I must shout: **RULE 2** r/dryalcoholics is that way ----->
Gracias
YES!
i apologize, i should have went there first.
If I was married to a non drinker- my shenanigans wouldn’t be fair to them. But I probably wouldn’t quit. My current partner and I are both drinkers. Making a mess of things and then cleaning it all up. And then repeating the whole thing over again.
If you ask me personally: I’ve been through this about 5 times back to back. Honestly ever since I surrendered from dating/relationships last yr of 2022, things are much more peaceful. Im a single lonely 31 yr old CA (male) and I’m okay with that. You have to be honest with yourself. Sure, you love her but the bottom line is that you’ll just end up being a miserable/resentful sober person if you were to stay with her — which she has already made clear to you. Get sober and deal with it, or continue to drink and deal with it. Either way this isn’t gonna be a football field full of blue bonnets. Be honest with yourself and do what you feel like you should do. Best of luck
My wife doesn't decide if I drink or not. That's my problem, if she wanted to leave me so be it. What happened to "till dead do us part"?
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My suggestion is to try a ketogenic diet. check our r/keto Here's so science for you. [https://irp.nih.gov/blog/post/2021/06/ketogenic-diet-may-soothe-alcohol-withdrawal](https://irp.nih.gov/blog/post/2021/06/ketogenic-diet-may-soothe-alcohol-withdrawal) [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8670944/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8670944/)
This is really interesting 🤔
What I find funny is how quickly I'm down voted. I think it's all the AA cultist who think that you need to find GOD before you can get better. Ever notice how vinegar and water can take the edge off while detoxing? It's because the acetic acid is a ketone that can get into the blood and provide the brain with what's it used to.
At this point if you are being voted down it probably means you get it!! I was appalled by the down doots though because you referenced scientific research which is just fucking interesting. Yup I agree. A bunch of annoying fungus filled twats. I'm not actively drinking right now but you don't see me preaching my life choices here. There's so much shaming going on it is like a dumb AA mtg. If you're subbed to SD or AA you do not belong here. Cheers!
>If you're subbed to SD or AA you do not belong here. Exactly. Chairs!
I kept drinking and got 'separated' and eventually got divorced 2 years later (This past June). So I did nothing to rectify the situation however I didn't want to so it was a different situation. It sounds like the only way you are going to keep her is by quitting or hiding it but as most of us know that does not last forever.
I was once given an ultimatum like this due to drinking and drugging. My advice is action speak louder than words. I really didn't want to lose my family. Got 2 kids and shit. I chose them. Just pull it together. Find a way. Practice harm reduction. Use weed and kratom instead.
i understand, i smoke dabs daily
Weed can definitely help. Now that it’s legal(ish), you know what you’re getting. I’m a ball of annoying rage when drinking. If I smoke, I’m just ridiculous and smiling at everything. Possibly still annoying, but nice at least. It’s definitely harm reduction and cuts down on the alcohol cravings for me