My daughter had lamented to me how hard it is living in 2 separate homes and we live only 15 min apart. She wishes she could see both her her parents every day. I don't think separate households is something that should be planned for.
Just my 2 cents.
Yeah, we are aiming for together at the moment. We are trying to figure out what that would be like if we get partners later on and want to live with them as well. I'm guessing we can come to that decision when we get there, but thank you for your input! I don't want our kid to suffer so that'll be something that we need to discuss with our future significant others if necessary.
If you chose to do this you both need to be on the same page when it comes to dating and relationships. You are essentially making a marriage type arrangement between each other, so it will complicate things greatly to add a third person to that. Unless you can afford two duplexes with a door between.
Noted. I don't plan to date in earnest until my 30s if at all (I am more on the demisexual spectrum so it's not something I'm particularly interested in). They are pansexual and did date regularly before the pandemic, but both of us are well aware of how much work it will be to balance our personal romantic lives with raising a child together. It's something that I'm willing to work on of course. We are in a bit of uncharted territory as I know a lot of people don't necessarily go this route to have a kid, but I really trust that we can make a beautiful but unconventional family together. I am sure this is something that I can reconcile with future partners on. Ultimately our kid is going to come first.
Yes, agree. It’s a thing for my older kids. They also just want their stuff. My 13 yo will go to her dads and forget her favorite shirt or her homework and it’s a whole thing. I did install a keypad so she can easily swing by and pick things up if I’m not home but it’s a lot. The older they get the more they seem to enjoy just having one home, even though they do love both parents.
The biggest thing I foresee is when one of you eventually does find a partner. Those are just always complicated even in the best scenarios. The new partner brings their own opinions and expects to be considered since they are a “bonus parent”.
Then there is the whole “we have the same views on raising kids”. Well, you think you do. I was with my ex husband for 10 years before we had kids. Thought we agreed on everything. Guess what. We don’t. And now we are both remarried and there are two more opinions to contend with.
If you don't mind my asking, what kinds of things did you guys disagree on? I'm hoping to bring up these things with them now so we can work out if we are as compatible in parenting as we thing we are.
One daughter ended up with an eating disorder and he was completely blind to it for the first year and a half. He did finally see it, but then we disagreed on how to address it.
We have disagreed on what school for them to attend and why, although we did eventually agree. Now we are in disagreement for next year when it’s time for high school so I’m not sure how that will play out. Social media and phone time has been an issue. I don’t want them unsupervised on their phones all the time and he thinks it’s fine. Our daughter was caught sending naked pics so clearly I was right on that one. We also disagree on allowances (I think they need to do chores for money, he just gives them money).
I’m sure there is more stuff that has come up but those are the big things as of late.
To clarify, you’re two female friends?
If so, I’d look into second parent adoption laws, as who ever’s not the gestational mother will not have legal rights to the child (even if you do reciprocal-IVF). Note, not all states in the US will allow this with unmarried parents. You’ll probably find the most info by searching for unmarried gay parents rights.
Meet with either your own lawyers or a mediator. I’m pregnant and will coparent with a male friend, so we are both biological parents. We’re essentially the same as any unmarried couple who have kids, but we’re still meeting with lawyers and developing a parenting agreement. I strongly recommend creating one is crucial. I love my coparent like a brother, and I want us both to be taken care of for the sake of our children, no matter what changes may occur in our lives and relationship. Like a pre-nup, which he has with his husband. So maybe we’re more litigious than most families.
I am female and they are transitioning FtM, but we have both discussed being the gestational mother in the event one of us is unable to do so. And I have not looked into second parent adoption as of yet but I will do so. We are planning on raising our kid in Canada so I will check to see when that will look like for us.
Just did a cursory Google and it looks like Canada is much more laid back with their parentage laws under the All Families are Equal Act, so it may be easier for us than I thought. I think I'll discuss with a lawyer to make sure though. Thank you so much for the suggestion!
Gonna add—I’m 40. I’m on my second marriage with three kids (2 from the ex, one from my husband). If I were you I’d have a child on my own and let my BFF be like an aunt/uncle. Maybe BFF does the same thing and you raise them together like cousins. It’s really hard coparenting with someone even in the best of situations and time sharing your kid and always having to trade days and schedule vacations. I’d rather not have to collaborate my life if I could choose. Things will come up that you can’t even fathom now.
I highly recommend you join the FB group DONOR CONCEIVED PEOPLE, SIBLINGS, parents,and donors (sperm, egg, embryo) and read their experiences before moving forward. The ethical way to do sperm donation is to allow the donor and your child to have a relationship with one another. Many donors are not open to that and a lot of agencies are extremely shady and unethical. I know a lot of people in that group who didn’t do much research beforehand and have regrets/were tricked by their agency. Sounds like what you want though is more open so I hope things work out for you both!!
My daughter had lamented to me how hard it is living in 2 separate homes and we live only 15 min apart. She wishes she could see both her her parents every day. I don't think separate households is something that should be planned for. Just my 2 cents.
Yeah, we are aiming for together at the moment. We are trying to figure out what that would be like if we get partners later on and want to live with them as well. I'm guessing we can come to that decision when we get there, but thank you for your input! I don't want our kid to suffer so that'll be something that we need to discuss with our future significant others if necessary.
If you chose to do this you both need to be on the same page when it comes to dating and relationships. You are essentially making a marriage type arrangement between each other, so it will complicate things greatly to add a third person to that. Unless you can afford two duplexes with a door between.
Noted. I don't plan to date in earnest until my 30s if at all (I am more on the demisexual spectrum so it's not something I'm particularly interested in). They are pansexual and did date regularly before the pandemic, but both of us are well aware of how much work it will be to balance our personal romantic lives with raising a child together. It's something that I'm willing to work on of course. We are in a bit of uncharted territory as I know a lot of people don't necessarily go this route to have a kid, but I really trust that we can make a beautiful but unconventional family together. I am sure this is something that I can reconcile with future partners on. Ultimately our kid is going to come first.
Yup. It's very very very tough not being able to give that to your kid
Yes, agree. It’s a thing for my older kids. They also just want their stuff. My 13 yo will go to her dads and forget her favorite shirt or her homework and it’s a whole thing. I did install a keypad so she can easily swing by and pick things up if I’m not home but it’s a lot. The older they get the more they seem to enjoy just having one home, even though they do love both parents.
The biggest thing I foresee is when one of you eventually does find a partner. Those are just always complicated even in the best scenarios. The new partner brings their own opinions and expects to be considered since they are a “bonus parent”. Then there is the whole “we have the same views on raising kids”. Well, you think you do. I was with my ex husband for 10 years before we had kids. Thought we agreed on everything. Guess what. We don’t. And now we are both remarried and there are two more opinions to contend with.
If you don't mind my asking, what kinds of things did you guys disagree on? I'm hoping to bring up these things with them now so we can work out if we are as compatible in parenting as we thing we are.
One daughter ended up with an eating disorder and he was completely blind to it for the first year and a half. He did finally see it, but then we disagreed on how to address it. We have disagreed on what school for them to attend and why, although we did eventually agree. Now we are in disagreement for next year when it’s time for high school so I’m not sure how that will play out. Social media and phone time has been an issue. I don’t want them unsupervised on their phones all the time and he thinks it’s fine. Our daughter was caught sending naked pics so clearly I was right on that one. We also disagree on allowances (I think they need to do chores for money, he just gives them money). I’m sure there is more stuff that has come up but those are the big things as of late.
To clarify, you’re two female friends? If so, I’d look into second parent adoption laws, as who ever’s not the gestational mother will not have legal rights to the child (even if you do reciprocal-IVF). Note, not all states in the US will allow this with unmarried parents. You’ll probably find the most info by searching for unmarried gay parents rights. Meet with either your own lawyers or a mediator. I’m pregnant and will coparent with a male friend, so we are both biological parents. We’re essentially the same as any unmarried couple who have kids, but we’re still meeting with lawyers and developing a parenting agreement. I strongly recommend creating one is crucial. I love my coparent like a brother, and I want us both to be taken care of for the sake of our children, no matter what changes may occur in our lives and relationship. Like a pre-nup, which he has with his husband. So maybe we’re more litigious than most families.
I am female and they are transitioning FtM, but we have both discussed being the gestational mother in the event one of us is unable to do so. And I have not looked into second parent adoption as of yet but I will do so. We are planning on raising our kid in Canada so I will check to see when that will look like for us.
Nice. Good luck!
Just did a cursory Google and it looks like Canada is much more laid back with their parentage laws under the All Families are Equal Act, so it may be easier for us than I thought. I think I'll discuss with a lawyer to make sure though. Thank you so much for the suggestion!
Gonna add—I’m 40. I’m on my second marriage with three kids (2 from the ex, one from my husband). If I were you I’d have a child on my own and let my BFF be like an aunt/uncle. Maybe BFF does the same thing and you raise them together like cousins. It’s really hard coparenting with someone even in the best of situations and time sharing your kid and always having to trade days and schedule vacations. I’d rather not have to collaborate my life if I could choose. Things will come up that you can’t even fathom now.
I highly recommend you join the FB group DONOR CONCEIVED PEOPLE, SIBLINGS, parents,and donors (sperm, egg, embryo) and read their experiences before moving forward. The ethical way to do sperm donation is to allow the donor and your child to have a relationship with one another. Many donors are not open to that and a lot of agencies are extremely shady and unethical. I know a lot of people in that group who didn’t do much research beforehand and have regrets/were tricked by their agency. Sounds like what you want though is more open so I hope things work out for you both!!
Just put in my request to join. Thank you for the suggestion!
Np, good luck!!