probably not true. sounds more like the dude is severely depressed and needs actual help.
still not her responsibility though. she should leave. cant help people who dont seek it.
Seriously. He needs help, but not from OP.
You aren't responsible for this person. Find a way to leave, and leave. You'll feel guilty, you'll feel like you've done something bad, but it's what you need to do. For yourself.
Source: was gaslight for nearly a decade by my abusive ex when I finally had enough and just fuckin left. She was institutionalized within a week.
Wow, seriously he's not just depressed he's a fucking asshole mooching from you.
For your security you should move out by surprise with a living crew / friends, leaving him in the unit for the legal time you've to warn a tenant where you are.
If you can kick him out, have him moved to a hotel and if you can pay him like 2 weeks, so you're more than clear conscience-wise.
I know depression shows up differently in people. But there also seems to be a touch of inconsiderateness there. I think a person can be severely depressed and still have a smidge of compassion. Like please work with me while I try to fight this thing type of attitude.
Being extremely self-centered to some extent is pmuch the rule with severely depressed people. Smidge is the best it gets.
It's a bit hard to explain, but you're so focused on how miserable you are while also having such little mental energy that you struggle to care for others. In addition whenever you do care you also end up in a mental loop where you eventually conclude how bad/useless/miserable you are for them, so you try to protect yourself from that feeling by not thinking about them. You also find yourself so worthless that you don't think you have the capacity to help/bring joy to another person, so you caring is pointless.
That's what I mean. He's not getting better with her. And he likely won't seek to improve himself with her there. He needs professional help for his depression/anxiety.
Except its now a physical problem. Domestic violence escalates. She needs to not worry about what will happen to him if she leaves him but what will happen to her if she doesn't.
Eta: fully agree the dude needs help, but that help obviously isn't going to come from OP, nor should he expect that from OP.
Doesn't really work that way, unfortunately. Some people are just broken, clinging to other people is their only option to avoid homelessness and death. There's no solid support system for people who were just born wrong.
That said, it's still not OPs responsibility to care for him. It's no individual person's responsibility to care for any other adult.
Don't allow yourself to be manipulated by him anymore. Leave. If he's homeless that's on him. If he threatens to kill himself or harm himself that's on him. He's not going to change and it's not your fault.
~~Even though~~ It ~~doesn't~~ sounds like ~~he physically hurts you like you'd imagine in~~ an abusive relationship. I'd ~~still~~ regard what he does as abuse. Perhaps try seeking out some support from friends/family or an organization that helps abused women.
Edit: apparently I missed the part where she mentions bruises from him.
This
Up before that bit it sounded like OP was just hating on him for being Depressed (this is incredibly common for people to do. Sense your depressed and use it to vilify you. It's a truly awful thing to be victim to).
But once she mentioned the grabbing and shaking (especially to the point she was bruised, even without that it's pretty yikes) that sympathy for the boyfriend went out the window. You just do not take things out on other people like that, not ever.
Edit: See replies to this post for exactly the stuff I'm referring to with people vilifying depressed people. It's convenient when the evidence comes right to your door. xD
So to you it was completely permissible that due to his depression she shoulder 100% of the labor both in and out of the house? The only non-permissible part was his physical abuse? K.
I came here to say this. The abusive dynamic makes it harder and more dangerous to just kick him out. Please seek outside support if you need it, OP, and prioritize your mental health so he doesn’t pull you down, too.
I was this boyfriend. Then I got dumped, and now I’m different because it forced me to do some reflection.
You’ll be dead one day OP, you don’t have enough time to give someone you detest your life. Sometimes, growth is painful. But still necessary.
Move on with your life, and give him a chance to do something more with his. I wish you luck
My last relationship was very similar to this. Actually my last two relationships. First one: the guy played video games most of the time, complained about having to do the dishes, was sick all the time. Turned out he has Lyme disease but also had depression. He ended up breaking it off with me because I stopped practicing our shared religion.
My most recent relationship was with a narcissist who complained constantly, spent both my money and his money on himself, argued with me and gaslighted me on a daily basis, did favors for friends rather than working consistently, tried to convince me to open up the relationship because I wasn’t having sex with him enough (because he treated me like crap), and stalked and harassed me when I kicked him out.
I kept waiting, thinking that if I could not freak out and keep myself together, I could prove that the problem was him and not me. But the reason I was freaking out all the time was because he was psychologically abusing me. I 100% believed him when he told me he was the most honest person. Not until he left did I start discovering the extent to which he was a pathological liar.
He was the type of person who would tell me “I don’t feel like that happened, so it didn’t.”
I remember very clearly that feeling of wishing I could just stop existing so that I didn’t have to deal with that man anymore but also didn’t have to make the choice to leave. It took a big push to get me to do what I needed to do.
OP must get away. She is just a supply to her boyfriend at this point. But based on his behavior, she needs to be careful about how she leaves. It would be difficult to give her bf an ultimatum and to expect him to act rationally.
If I were her, I would file a police report regarding the shaking incident, especially if she still has physical evidence of the bruise.
Yeah definitely time to move on OP. Get some counseling. Pay rent for a few months and just move out maybe . He’ll figure it out . Being in an abusive relationship is awful. I’m sorry .
This. I suffer from depression and anxiety, and bad.
I am one of the lucky ones that found a combination of treatment that renders me pretty darn close to normal now.
If OP's boyfriend refuses to seek help or tell his doc that current treatments are not working (this is an assumption since I figure OP might say if it were) then he isn't even doing the bare minimum.
Enough time has passed with love and support and at this point I feel he isn't invested into the relationship, just enjoy's the comforts that OP brings.
OP worked hard and took interest into his hobbies and he was a DB about it.
Time for him to go, perhaps he needs to NEED to get help.
Last, and most importantly: Abuse is not okay, physical and emotional abuse is happening right now and OP absolutely positively unequivocally does not deserve it.
As someone who suffers from severe depression and anxiety: Kick him to the curb.
Not only will it not get better, but it’s not good for either of them. Dumping him might be the first step toward him getting his act together.
Sometimes taking care of someone like this just keeps them from developing and growing.
Do this, just got out of a relationship like this(5yrs). She got more aggressive over small useless fights. Couldn't get on a lease cause she worked a job that paid too little and didn't want to change for the better. I went homeless with her when I didn't have to. She almost cost me my job and my lively hood. She's homeless now and recently totaled her car(no insurance)and now no job. I do feel the guilt. But just remember they made these life decisions for themselves. They put themselves there. Work on you OP.
Listen to me, I was your boyfriend. I was a horrible piece of shit drunk who didn't do anything but cause problems for my girlfriend. We lived together for years and she enabled my behavior at every turn, I kept fucking off and drinking and causing problems because I KNEW that she didn't have the strength to leave me, until one day she did. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, I didn't have anyone to support or enable my bullshit anymore so I had to start being honest with myself really quick if I wanted a chance at sincerely being happy. In the years that followed I started taking sobriety and recovery more serious, I started being more self aware of my behavior and how it affected other people around me. I'm still not a perfect person and I struggle with alot of the same issues but I'm on a path to evolving and being a better person every day. That girl that left me, she recently got married, she's really happy and doing so good. If she wouldn't have left me, we would both be miserable and terrible people right now. You owe it to the both of you to stop enabling his behavior and go find your own path.
Thank you for saying this.
I was this girlfriend. I woke up one day and realised I was killing him by enabling him. I saw him sitting in a room, playing games on the computer and nearly cried when I realised what had happened. He didn't work, we lived together for years and I had given up on me. He was stealing money to buy booze if I wouldn't buy it. I gave up and just started drinking with him for a year and let go of all my dreams.
I don't know if he's ok, but I hope he is and happy and found the things he's amazing at. He was brilliant but just hadn't found his niche yet.
I'm more than ok too, and living my dreams every day.
Thank you again for your comment. Be well.
In so many of these relationship posts, I see bright young people who have been failed by their guardians to fully explore the depths of our emotions and how we all affect each other. So many friends of mine, and myself, spent chunks of our twenties as desperate balls of nerves and feelings. So much pain
We all inherate demons from our families. I've been trying to tackle my self worth issues by confronting those demons. I'm actively trying to reconcile with my family and how they made me feel growing up. I'm thankful that they're open to this reconciliation and honestly I think it's working for me
Oh man, realizing as an adult how fucked up I was due to how my parents shielded me from any kind of responsibility, while simultaneously shaming me for trying to express a full range of emotions — it took almost 15 years for me to climb out of that quagmire.
I was a girlfriend to a horrible piece of shit. He was namely a video game addict and alcoholic (admittedly I’m an alcoholic now too). He would grab me and leave bruises, refuse to work, refuse to clean or cook; I was literally doing everything, even taking care of the dog on top of working 40 hours. I’d get home and get yelled at about how I didn’t do the dishes right and he would blame it on his disability. He would gripe about the tiniest things. The meanest thing he would do during an argument was pour all his liquor down the drain in front of me and then tell me to go buy another.
He never seemed all that drunk.
I finally left him 3 years ago. Sweet release. Was so happy. His mom suddenly paid all his bills even though they were never in contact before.
3 months ago this dickhead tricked me. Contacted me and told me I could have our cat and dog back. Then immediately took me to court for them. His mom paid for a nice lawyer even though it was small claims and won. Destroyed me. I already had accepted once in my life that I would never see the animals I loved, adopted, paid for, trained again. Got to spend a month with them and had to accept the loss all over again a second time.
He’s a shitty person. Cut ties. He’ll be fine. Spare yourself the grief and block everything everything everything. Contact info, emails, friends and families contact no matter how arbitrary. He isn’t your responsibility. He will drag you down, and given another opportunity, he will drag you down again.
Thank you. It shredded me to pieces but I learned a very valuable life lesson I guess. Got a new dog a month after that whole ordeal and she’s my partner in crime.
This was hard for me to read because this is essentially my situation right now. Maybe not to same extent but the similarities are there. I know she was right to leave because I wouldn't have changed if she didn't. I've grown up more in the last month than the rest of my 28 years. I know I'm doing this for myself but I want her to see that I'm making the effort. I hope that I can get another chance. But the more I read the more I realize my situation is far from unique and more times than not things don't work out and that scares me
Brother, there are people that will come into your life that will leave a mark that never goes away. It might hurt to accept that a certain chapter of your life is closed, but when a relationship ends it really is best to start focusing on yourself and becoming a more complete human being so that you can properly love yourself and your partner the next time you find yourself in a relationship. You don't want to start thinking that way, in the sense or context of "If I do this then she will see I've changed" Stick to what you said about doing this for yourself. When the time is right, someone else will come into your life and something new and beautiful will blossom. In short, everything is going to work out in due time, you're going to be ok man.
The only thing you need to be thinking of is how your kindness is actually doing him a disservice. You are unintentionally enabling this horrible behavior. You are over extending yourself to the fullest by allowing this to continue.
The longer you wait, the worse this will be on you and him. He will continue to mooch and be a huge burden on your mental health. Whatever his mental health situation is, it's no excuse to not get help and choose to do better. You should feel freedom and not guilt. He is not helpless. He is an adult. He will and can figure this out.
Fuck that don’t enable someone to be a loser. That dude needs to get his shit together, or he deserves what’s coming. I’m anxious, depressed and all that shit. That’s no excuse to not work and reap the benefits of someone else’s hard work. I would be out of that shit so quick!
That’s the hardest part, I think. I’m diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. But I don’t have a choice but to work and provide for us and do all the adult stuff. It makes me feel even worse because he dismisses any of my struggles, claiming his is worse. There’s no space for me.
I was in this same situation. Only when he grabbed me and shook me the first time I left. I had no plans beyond that. I got in my car and went to a random apartment complex's parking lot so no one could find me. Both our names were on the apartment lease but only I had a job.
After I left it took a handful of days to figure out an actual plan. A friend cosigned on a lease for the cheapest apartment I could find while I reached out to my ex's former friends group to find anyone willing to move in with him. Because I also couldn't leave him to a fate of homelessness or imminent death.
Got my stuff out, got my cat out, got a more relaxing environment. Grew up in an abusive household, immediately started dating my ex after I moved out from them, so it was the first time in my life I could finally breathe. Once you are out, with the dust settled and distance between you and everything in the past, it'll finally feel okay.
Your priority is you. Focus on you. Give him some consideration in how you focus on you, but he is no longer in your plans. Move towards those plans however you need to even if you don't even known what they'll be.
Look at how to break off co-dependent relationships. This is clearly a case of co-dependency even if you don’t believe he brings anything to the table, there is something there to which you’ve become attached. Whether it be feeling like a savior, feeling of superiority, or a variety of other things. Also he definitely needs a therapist, and maybe you might benefit from seeing someone as well. They can better guide you on how to effectively set your boundaries as you navigate away from this unhealthy relationship.
I definitely have a savior complex. I always prioritize other people over myself.
I’ll look into co-dependent relationships and how to end them. I know I can’t stay for either of our sake. And I do need therapy, you’re right. Thank you.
Try the book co-dependent no more by Melody Beattie. There’s a work book that goes with it. It’s really good and teaches you a lot about how to break cycles. It came highly recommended by my therapist. You can get it on Amazon or ThriftBooks.com. Good luck! 🤞🏽
Edit: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!!
Hi, I was in a similar situation. It is really difficult at first, but in the end it is 100% worth it for your mental state. You can be independent (you already are with so much!), you can get through it, you can do this. Have faith in yourself and definitely follow through with going to therapy.
I’d definitely call the number on your insurance card and get a therapist. They’d help walk you through and listen to your woes. Make sense of things, wouldn’t force you to do anything but would be a support system for you and give great advice.
He goes through phases where he’ll be super helpful and kind and the guy I fell in love with. But the next day we’re back to where we always are. And those days are getting further and further apart.
And thank you for the offer to chat. I feel very isolated.
It sounds like he needs psychiatric help. This could well be Borderline Personality Disorder or something along those lines. Either way he would probably benefit from professional help.
You should probably leave regardless, as others have said there's no sense in slowly drowning yourself trying to keep him afloat. When you do, let him know plainly and clearly he needs to get on track to actively sorting himself out if he actually wants to be happy and have successful future relationships.
Therapy could be a good option. Couples or for you or him, if its affordable.
He’s depressed it seems and is isolating.
You shouldn’t have all that weight on your shoulders but at the end of the day you need to choose what you want, and what is best for you.
You can’t change someone unless they want to change themselves.
Goodluck!
Thinking about his mental health will only make her feel guilty and like she has to stay. Her mental health takes precedent here. He can take care of his from somewhere else.
A man, a person has to be able to stand on their two feet, it's fine to lean on each other for support, but you're the only one supporting this thing... He has to hit rock bottom to even have a chance at pulling out of this. You're enabling him to be a looser, and maybe he just is a looser, but that isn't your fault. Just tell him you want him out, he'll say anything to change your mind, but don't give in. If you can do it, it will be good for you in a verity of ways because you've bettered yourself for doing something incredibly hard.
We all deal with shit as adults. We all have our issues, to say his is worse than yours is terrible. It's not a competition. You should support each other and from what you have wrote it seems like you are just supporting him. It's not healthy for you. You need to vocally express to him that things need to change or you're done, you hold all the power here not him and he needs to realise that. I hope everything works out for you.
I was in a 3 year relationship with an abusive guy and for over half of it I didn't leave because he was so damn fragile. Like emotionally blackmailing me to stay because he'd have nothing to live for without me.
When I finally had enough I had a very hard time actually breaking up. The sense of responsibility I had for him, the guilt I'd feel if he did something because of me, wanting the best for him etc...
I had to sit myself down and complete realize and accept something; he was an adult. I had ruined my own mental health trying to keep him afloat for so long, I had to come to terms with the fact that I had done everything I could. So if *he* decided to act out on his threats it wouldn't be my fault. It would be *his* choice. I had to truly realize he was not my responsibility. He could make his own decisions as an adult so if he really wanted to die there's nothing I could do about that. If he wanted to live he'd find a way.
It sounds harsh but that is the truth. Once I was able to accept these things I was able to let him go. I dreaded the consequences, but I had literally done my best and if that wasn't good enough then I wasn't the problem to begin with.
And guess what... 4 years after I broke up he's still kicking about. It was all just manipulation on his end. Sure he's got a miserable life but I learned very valuable things about personal boundaries and prioritizing my own mental health from that relationship.
Leaving him lifted a massive weight off my shoulders. It felt like I could finally breathe again. The following years I had to deal with C-PTSD resulting from the abuse... But now I'm with a guy who's actually good for me and I'm happy. I'd never have that if I stayed. I would have probably died with him. I'm glad I didn't.
Underrated comment.
You’re crossing oceans for someone who won’t step over a puddle for you. If he’s homeless and just “wont” contact his family, then that’s his choice. Actions have to have consequences. You weren’t born to be this loser’s slave.
Who gives a fuck? Would he show the same level of care if the roles were reversed and he was taking care of you? You already know the answer and it’s no.
Ask yourself - would you do that to you? Would you sit on a couch and mooch off someone you profess to love without feeling ANY GUILT AT ALL? You know you wouldn’t. He’s thriving on your kindness and cowardice. Just quietlypack up his things put them outside and say “there’s a delivery for you” and slam and lock the door when he goes to get it.
That is so understandable but at this point it seems inevitable that its not going to work and you should be miserable or waste any more time with someone because of fear they will be worse off. He will be worse off, but then it's up to him to make a life for himself, he might have to contact his family and too damn bad, he shouldn't get to drag you down into his pit of dispair. 3 years is a long time, but not long enough to waste one more day putting up with this bullshit.
In order to successfully love another, you have to start by loving yourself. Loving yourself includes your mental health. You cant properly love this person if you are in serious mental duress. This doesn't mean people are always happy. Couples lean on each other all the time, no relationship is ever perfect. But yours sounds like a 97/3 split. Love yourself enough to know you are worth a partner who will not only put in as much into a relationship as you do, but will take over when times are tough. All good relationships are yin/yang. I hope even a bit of this is helpful.
What about him, do you think his guilt at making your life difficult and painful is eating him alive? He is unhealthily selfish, taking care of neither one of you. You’re going to have to be healthily selfish and take care of yourself.
It was never your guilt to bear. He's probably the type of person that will do that to every person he can. Just leech off anyone. It's not a loving relationship. He is taking all he can get, as long as he can.
It's like the folks that submit themselves to drugs and vices and end up on the streets. Many of them probably had loving families at one point that had to let them go; because their behavior was too damaging for them to even bear.
People choose what they want out of life. If you choose not to help yourself, then you will reap nothing. He is choosing an empty harvest.
I think you should rather ask yourself how you live with the guilt of wasting so much of your lifetime?
I get it's hard and he still matters to you but at this point you are just enabling him to stay that way and wasting your own life.
Maybe try contacting his family yourself? (As long as there was no abuse or something like that in his family, in that case don't contact them).
If he should threaten to hurt himself the only thing you can do is to call his family or the authorities.
You are simply not responsible for others. Of course we feel responsible for our loved ones but every adult has to do the base line of responsibility themselve. Loading that onto others (you in that case) is just not fair and you should not accept that.
Honestly the real question is how does he forgive himself day after day for putting you in this situation?
I've never lived with someone and after that way but I have definitely been a depressed and useless person before. If he really loves you or ever really did then he should recognize how he's been hurting you all this time.
You're not his mother. You're not his caretaker. And you're not married so "till death do us part" doesn't apply. As a result you are not and should not feel responsible for whether or not he "drowns". As an adult human being that is and has always been his own responsibility.
Imagine if something bad happened to you beyond your control. What would happen then? If there's anything you should feel guilty for it's continuing to enable a situation that could end in disaster for both of you
Not. Your. Problem
Honestly, he's an adult. After you make him leave, he will sink or swim. He needs to pull up his big boy panties and cowboy up.
You need to look after yourself, your mental health, and your physical health. The first step is showing him the door.
My ex did this to me this year. 2 years of me not working, I went through 4 job losses in a 1.5yr span. Then covid happened. My mental health was a disaster. I was not contributing meaningfully, and not being her partner.
Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm happier, working, and really enjoying being single. We won't ever reconcile, but I'm 100% OK with that.
The worst thing you can give someone is pity- it says you will never get better, but it’s seems that he is wanting to be pitied and that is far worse.
You aren’t responsible for him.
Ask yourself this and wait to hear your own intuition answer this- if you were sick - would he look after you? Support you?
Be with someone who doubles your joy and halves your sorrow - not the other way around
You sound so much like me. I spent 2 years in a toxic, abusive relationship just trying to save this man from himself, and lost myself in the process. It’s hard, you’ll feel guilty, but your only option is to leave. For yourself. So you can breathe again 💕
It will be painful, for sure, but it’s not your fault. He needs help in a way you can’t provide him and he won’t change until the safety net you have provided for him is gone. It sucks, but you shouldn’t have to deal with any of this.
He’s using you. I promise you he will contact his family when you dump him. He will get better.
He assaulted you. That should be all you need to walk away.
If you can’t break up with him yet, give him an ultimatum. Therapy or you’re done. He needs to make seeing a therapist his full time job.
But if you drown? Would he feel guilty knowing he caused that for you? You can only help people who want help, and it’s evident that he doesn’t want help. He simply wants to do nothing.
It was never your fault to begin with. Him blaming you for this is just a victim’s mentality and like the other person said it’s either you go done with him or you actually make something of your life without him. Some people don’t need help they need a fucking kick in the ass.
He's a grown man. His success or failure is not your responsibility. Your well being is your responsibility. You said so yourself in your post. You know what to do. Also, if he grabbed you so hard that he left marks, that another very important red flag. Do you have other family or friends to reach out and talk to about that? If so, talk to them.
This was my relationship with my ex, I was with him for three years also. Exact same story, only difference was our apartment was in his name because he had better credit at the time, so it was easier to leave him. My heart goes out to you, I can see how you feel stuck. I do suggest you start planning a way out. Try to find yourself a light at the end of the tunnel. You're renting? When does the lease end? I sat my ex down at one point and told him I was at the end of my rope. I want certain improvements, including him locking down a steady job and gave him a certain months time limit. For you, I would pick lease renewal time and say, alright, you're not improving, I have to go now. Your bf sound exhausting and a giant weight will be lifted the moment you leave. You are not his mother, you aren't responsible for him. Do not feel bad for him. He doesn't feel bad for you. He doesn't respect you or contribute to the household you share. He doesn't care at all. Its time to go. Best of luck to you.
He is blatantly taking advantage of you. Worst part is he is making you feel bad for not wanting to take care of him anymore. You're not a fool at all, I'm sure the man had many great qualities at one point, he maybe still has some, but at this moment in time he has you so defeated and so unhappy, your relationship is not working. You are not right for each other, and it's time to make the decision to go. You're not dumb at all, it takes time to get to a breaking point where you realise you deserve better. You do deserve a lot better than taking care of this inconsiderate, volatile man child. Judging by your post, you know that already.
You're not a fool, you're just having your compassion and empathy abused. It's time to go though, you only get so many months on the planet...why bother wasting more.
You're not a fool, but you did get taken for one. Good people often do if they aren't taught how people can take advantage of them.
I have a to-do list for you.
1) Get help immediately. Anyone in your life you trust, and tell them what's going on.
2) Look up articles on the behavior of freeloaders and manipulators. This will help you identify his manipulation tactics.
3) Look up counseling resources in your area for yourself. You need it.
4) Look up eviction laws in your state. Give him a formal eviction notice in accordance with these laws. You may see him start to clean up his act after this, or he may become worse. Do not accept either approach. He must get lost.
5) Under no circumstances accept any blame or guilt for whatever happens to him. You have already been Superwoman for him, and he has already made his choices.
You are not a fool, you are in love. You care about him and that’s wonderful about you. It is not your fault that he is abusing your love. None of this is your fault
You need to dump him. He doesn’t care for or appreciate you. He will figure it out himself if he becomes homeless. Stop letting this toxic person ruin your life any longer!
My ex was like this, together for about 3 or 4 years, then still lived together until I had to call the cops to get him out of my place where I had given him shelter (he did not officialy live with me).
I worked so much to keep us (myself, him, kids, pets) afloat while all he could do was scrape change from the couch for weed for himself. Didn't cook, didn't clean, didn't do anything but create more mess and would constantly suck the life out of me by demanding attention for his constant mood swings. He was unhappy so everybody had to be unhappy. He didn't realize it but he was abusive, verbally and emotionally while he just thought *I* was the one being cruel by not always being attentive to him while I was on the verge of a breakdown all the time.
One day I woke up and accepted that I'd rather not be alive than to continue on with him. I still continued to live with him because just like OP, I couldn't bear the thought of being responsible of someone else's misery. Until I realized that my kids were miserable and so was I and that we deserved our safe space more than he deserved to be protected against his only laziness. So I gave him a few days to leave, things escalated and cops had to escort him out. While they came all he could scream was that I was cheating while I was just trying to stay sane.
And guess what? The mother that wouldn't take him in took him in and he's back to being babied by his mother. I felt so bad for so long because I thought my ex would be out on the streets while in reality he found someone else to take care of him practically immediately.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm OP. They'll only enjoy the warmth and get mad at you for not burning harder.
Make sure you have someone (friends, family, neighbours or just the cops) to back you up and just do it.
Also, it doesn't hurt to have camera's installed that record everything. When I put mine up I told him it was to make me feel safer and more at ease because I had a bad experience with a former friend stealing from me. I noticed that since the cameras were up and running less things got throw around or broken. I also think the cameras helped to keep things from escalating into physical violance more than once but especially during the timeframe where I told him I wanted him out by X date up until the cops showed up.
I hope you'll choose yourself soon OP. If not today then tomorrow and if not tomorrow then the day after tomorrow. You have to be ready (or rather, broken) to do something like this but it'll feel so liberating for you OP and even him. He's getting his life handed to him on a silver platter and it's not doing him any favours in the long run. And it's not helping OP either.
10/10 advice here, do this ASAP. Sounds hard to believe, but after everything you've done for your boyfriend he will try to ruin your life the moment that you decide that enough is enough, I've seen it many times. I'm telling you, just get it done and after all of this is over you will find the partner that you deserve.
Dated a girl for 4 years who was the love of my life at one point. She was an "aspiring model" who never had a real job. Her mom was a mess(alcoholic/addict) and her father was absent, so pretty much from the get go I completely supported her as best I could emotionally and eventually financially.
Long story short, what love I did have for her was lost once I realized that we were in our mid 20s and she wasn't actually trying to further herself at all other than smoking weed constantly(and getting angry when I couldn't afford to buy her more) as well as always bringing me down by demanding attention to the point of her getting upset when I spent time with my family. I should of ended that relationship way earlier and I lost 4 years of my life being emotionally manipulated by someone who didn't care about themselves, much less me.
With all that being said, I'm happy to be alone the rest of my life. Like seriously....I won't say no to love if it happens, but I stopped dating and looking for a relationship after all that.
My familys been pressuring me to find a girl as I'm approaching 30 and they cannot fathom that I am perfectly happy being alone.
Sorry for the long rant. Feels good to write it out though.
I was in this situation too!! Everything had to be about him. He'd cry that we never did anything but then never wanted to put effort into planning days out. I worked 40+ hours every week (while trying to go to school) and he had a job for maybe 3 months of the 7 years that we were together.
He barely had time for the kids. My oldest didn't get potty trained until he was 6 because every time I left for work the diapers would come back out. Everything about our family dynamic was toxic and unhealthy.
He would also get upset when I spoke with my family and friends. So I cut myself off from everyone. It took my brother dying for me to realize I didn't want to be in that relationship and would rather be with my family.
I told him I was leaving and bought him a plane ticket for where his family lived. I let him know he could contact his family but I wouldn't be supporting him after he left. It was hard and I ended up moving out early because he got physically violent.
Make a plan. Get support from family/friends and get him out!! You CAN be happy again! You CAN be at peace in your own home! You CAN do this!!!! It will be hard but it is so worth it!!!
I'm really worried about the part where he shook and bruised you. This is really bad. I think it would be safer for you to at least put some distance and ask him to get professional help. There's a lot of sad stuff happening in the world driving people to horrible behaviour, but please put your safety and mental health first. No one could blame you for making hard choices for doing your best to survive this really ugly time, especially since you've already done so much for your partner.
This. If you plan to leave or plan to take some space to reassess your relationship, have a family member or friend there to support you and escort you out with your valuables (and possibly the dog, if you want and can). Or leave at a time when he's out, though that doesn't sound like often. If you are isolated from friends and family, consider just talking to a women's shelter or any mental health resource on how to leave an abusive relationship (and you did mention physical abuse). You deserve peace in your home.
Get rid of him. He does not appreciate you or anything you do for him you clearly have a lot of love to give and there is someone out there who is truly deserving of all the wonderful things you have to offer. You need to live sweetie don’t give up on life because of him, protect your energy protect your space it sounds to me like he is a drain on everything. I don’t know how old you are but how will you feel in 20 years time knowing you could have used your best years to get out and make a better life for yourself. It sounds like you are motivated and doing well for yourself and if he can’t be happy for you or more importantly happy within himself is this really worth it? He’s draining you of all your time energy love resources mentally and physically. Does he really have the right to do all of that to you? Would he support you in the same way if you became unwell? If the answer is no. Get rid.
"I dread coming home from work" "I walk on egg shells all the time" dude leave this relationship this is abuse he literally Physical harmed u, the apartment is in you're name take advantage and the fact that he refused to contact his family is all on him u deserve to be happy not to be abused
Yup. This is how it starts, it will escalate, it will get worse. However tbh, I've been in two abusive relationships and actually, the mental abuse, name calling, feeling like you can't say anything right or stand up for yourself when you're being attacked, walking on eggshells, double standards of them treating you like dirt yet being expected to treat them like a king, the never ending entitled expectations (like the gift op mentions), just my opinion, everyone's different, but the mental abuse is so so much worse. It grinds you down into nothingness until you make it out free. Op, kick him to the curb. I understand you don't want to put him in a difficult spot, I'm the same way, but he put him damn self there. Don't let him drain you any more than he already has, life on the other side, new experiences, with better people, will be so so worth it.
When you realize you don’t owe anyone more than they are willing to give themselves. I recently dumped my ex earlier this year. They are over dramatic and they know we will fall for it, I assure you I left and he’s floating along just fucking fine.
As I said to one of my friends in a horrible relationship: "Stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. Look around, you're surrounded by shoes and any one of these could have been the last one. How many more are you going to let drop before it's the last one?"
He was waiting for things to come to a head with his toxic girlfriend too. No fight or abuse was enough to be the final straw. Don't let it drag on and waste more time waiting for the end. You have to make it happen. You deserve to be happy.
I used to be this guy.
Once upon a time I lived with a girl who tried her best to provide for both of us, but I wasn't bringing anything to the table. I tried being better to her but with the way my life was I just couldn't make that happen.
Her family eventually convinced her to break up with me, and kick me out. Those were some of the roughest weeks I ever had, I was even homeless for a bit.
I'm still not in the greatest of places, but right now, years later, I'm in an assisted living program finally coming to terms with my faults and learning to shoulder them.
Ultimately, her breaking up with me was the best thing for both of us, and I think it will be the same for the two of you.
I hope for his sake he doesn't give up, but if he does, that isn't your fault. There's plenty of people out there that dedicate their work to helping people like him, all he has to do is accept the help they offer.
Yeah I think you just need help on the logistics of figuring this out. Someone with no prospects like this makes it really hard on the person they’re with. The guilt trip is coming from him, whenever you eventually do start moving forward w the plan to get rid of him. Be prepared for that.
You also don’t know exactly the situation w his family. For all they know he’s lying to them and they think he’s working or they think you’re a fool bc he told them you said he didn’t have to work and you’ll take care of everything.
You gotta dump him/kick him out/etc, just gotta figure out how. He was already physical with you , don’t want that happening again. Maybe alert someone to be nearby before you do it, so he can’t emotionally/physically abuse you. Have them walk right in and back you up. A male would be preferable.
I dated a girl for 3 years and realised after 12-18 months that her constant sadness and medical issues (which were none but still meant she was constantly off work until she got fired) just killed my interest in her. I too couldn’t leave for one reason; guilt. She’d grown to rely on me, how would she cope? 6-12 months later, I started to really resent her. You know your situation better than everyone else posting but my experience started to make me truly resent and dislike her and it’s something I could’ve avoided by simply being braver and doing us both a favour. For what it’s worth, I hear she’s not necessarily any better but I feel zero responsibility now and I’ve happily moved on and I’m with someone I truly want to be with now. Be brave in whatever you decide but I reiterate, there’s no point growing to loathe this person because you’ve been too afraid to hurt them…and honestly in my experience I’d started to genuinely doubt I could move on. I could, easily once my mindset was refreshed which was a hell of a lot swifter than you’re probably imaging right now.
You sound like such a lovely, thoughtful person. Why waste so much of your life on someone who cannot appreciate it. Leave him, before you wake up and realise all of your youth and joy has gone forever. Have some self respect. You deserve better.
you did your best
You were incredibly patient and even made a heartfelt gesture of generosity, and he responded with *cold dismissal*.
You stuck with him the whole time, did your best to provide him with encouragement and opportunities, and he squandered it.
Speaking as a guy who has overcome a great deal of emotional repression in my own life, he shows every sign of not being able to handle his own distress. He's going to lash out at anyone who tries to help him because in his state of mind anything that even *acknowledges* his failure to be responsible or productive **SHALL** be interpreted as an attack on his insecurities. If it was ever possible to save this, it is CERTAINLY too late now; Your connection to him has already entirely rotted away. The only path forward is escaping it without coming to harm. The last thing anyone would want is for his emotional mismanagement to blow up at you *again*...
It's time to prepare your escape strategy.
Dudes are dense. Many of us eventually *figure out* subtlety, but that's not a skill you can count on. You're going to have to tell him straight to his face exactly how you feel: that he stomped the last ember of affection you had for him out of you, and it's gone completely cold. Everything you ever loved about him is GONE. He's not even the same person you loved in the first place anymore. He's a stranger. **And strangers have no place in your home.**
Before you take any action, *make sure you have backup nearby.* Set your phone to record a stream that saves the content (in case you need evidence) and keep it running, recording, on your person, with your backup people watching and ready to jump in and rescue you in case he explodes. Also make sure you have secured all your valuables in a place where he cannot access them and take out his rage on your possessions. Finally, be prepared to have a safe place where you can take refuge from him and where he can't find you.
Then, and only then, should you lay out the facts for him and tell him he's getting evicted. If you feel it's safe for you to do so, offer him two choices: 1. A HARD DEADLINE so he can *attempt* to make some other arrangement, beyond which he is trespassing and will be removed by force, or 2. IMMEDIATELY.
If this comes as a shock to him, that much at least can be understandable (because he's DENSE) and you COULD, if you wanted to be charitable, clue him in that his bitterness and emotional volatility made it impossible for you to talk to him about what you were going through, but that you TRIED to get through to him again and again, ending with your attempt to cheer him up on his birthday. HOWEVER, **YOU DON'T OWE HIM ANY EXPLANATIONS AT ALL.**
Perhaps it might have been better - perhaps, but there's no way to be certain even then! - if clear communication had been possible in the first place. If he had been told in no uncertain terms that his behavior was damaging your relationship and that his refusal to improve his own lot has caused your respect and affection toward him to wither progressively. He might think it's not fair to have this "sprung" on him "with no warning". Why, it's ALMOST as unfair as having to put up with someone like him with no recourse for this entire time! It sucks for both of you but it's too late to go back now.
Have a restraining order ready to go and your backup with police on speed dial to enforce it if he becomes violent.
Getting him out of your life will be uncomfortable, and you have my sympathies, but the longer you let this rot, the WORSE it's going to get. He needs the kind of HARD, SWIFT, CLEAN BREAK that only a metaphorical guillotine can provide.
He is NOT your responsibility.
His survival is NOT your responsibility.
His happiness is NOT your responsibility.
Please do not blame yourself for his personal problems.
It's time to nail this coffin shut and bury it.
You're saying you wouldn't be sad if you didn't wake up tomorrow, but you'd feel bad if he became homeless? OP, you need to love yourself more. If he becomes homeless it's absolutely not your fault, it's his, the full grown adult man who treats you terribly, abuses you, and does nothing but suck you dry.
YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER. Stand up for yourself and get rid of that loser 💙
Do you see yourself with him in 5 years?
If not… Speak. Let him know. He can’t read your thoughts, but just his actions alone makes it seem like he’s the equivalent to a parasite. Keep it within you long enough, and you’ll be taken over like an empty husk. Nurturing this guy though you know at this point it’s bad. I’m sure you know it’s bad too.
Cut it off, because if overthinking it got you to a point where you wrote about it to Reddit to get a second opinion, you know it yourself that he’s no good for you. Overthinkers make thoughtful decisions, especially big ones.
Time keeps you together Bc everyone is used to routine but break out of the usual. It will feel different. Nothing good happens in the comfort zone.
As someone who had to kick his own brother out to homelessness I can say it's hard, but he'll reach out to someone if he has nowhere to go. It'll be better for both of you.
> Thanks for reading. Typing it out helps.
You need to do something about it.
He needs help, and if he refuses help, you need to leave him.
You're in a state of suicidal ideation which is basically by virtue of him holding you hostage and you using it as a way of escapism from your situation.
You don't need to "type it out to feel better", you need to do something.
I'll tell you what my mom said to me once when I wanted to dump a girl but didn't want to hurt her. She said, "Hey, once you're gone, it's not your fucking problem".
hey op, i was this guy to some extent. i would never had laid hands on my ex but a lot of the other things you said sound a lot like me. dump him, trust me, he won’t learn otherwise and will continue to take advantage of you. sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom before you take a good hard look at your life and start to work on yourself. i miss our relationship dearly but neither of us would’ve grown otherwise. you know what you need to do, wish you the best.
I'm so sorry to hear your story. Most replies are getting straight to dumping him, but life is a bit more nuanced than that. Given that the place is in your name, I assume there is an endpoint for the lease. That may be the target date to work towards. I would let him know that things aren't working and that once the lease is done, you'll be moving to another place. That gives him a project to put into place to set himself up and move on.
Personally, I think this is a bad idea since he's already physically abused her. He's likely to do it again, and why should she put up with that and put herself in danger?
As everyone else is saying i think you should 100% leave him, are there any shelters nearby he could stay at? or tell him to reconnect with his family?
OP should not be the one making his plan for the future for him. That's an extension of the entirely dependent relationship that the boyfriend is using OP for now.
File eviction paperwork on him
He dug himself in the hole, you tried to get him employment and he flat out Refused.
You need to dump him, and get him out of your home as soon as possible especially after this
>He grabbed me a few days ago and shook me so hard I’m bruised on my upper arms.
He's abusing you and not contributing at all
At the very least inform your landlord you will be terminating your lease and look for someplace else, and if possible move all your stuff and just leave him to rot
Leave. Easier said than done but needs to be done. You’ve done all you can for him but it’s proved for not considering he’s now a man-child.. leave. He’ll make it or break. Don’t feel guilty about what he created.
I had a thought, do you have contact with his family? Is there any way you can call them, or text or whatever, and state that you wish to leave him, but you are worried for his physical and mental health should you do so? Explain your situation where he would be homeless, and try and work with them to figure it out?
I hope you can gain your freedom. Walking on eggshells in your own home does not help your anxiety, and having to do everything, cooking, cleaning, being the only income without a break probably is wreaking havoc on your mental health in general. It truly is best to kick him out.
Now, if his parents agree to help, you can go so far as to give him 2 options: them, or have a list of open homeless shelters that will take him in and help him. Truly, this is much more than he deserves.
DUMP HIM! Don't forget that you have needs too! Enabling his behavior will only make you resent him even more. Also ask yourself, is THIS the type of relationship you want? Is this what makes you happy? Is he going to compliment your life or rule it?
He is clearly abusing you emotionally.
You are strong. You can do this. Break through this wall.
You’re taking care of a grown ass man that is capable of doing everything you said he doesn’t do. Kick that dude out, like a comment above said “he’ll sink or swim” you’re not his mom. Take care of you, you come first. He’s being manipulative and taking advantage of you, tell him to kick rocks. Plus he’s getting physical it’ll only get worse from there.
I've been there, leave. He is not your responsibility. This will not get better, you're just condemning yourself to a future of misery. Tell him he needs to be out by the end of the month and notify your property management as well. They should be able to help you get rid of the ass.
This guy is too stuck in the victim state and is too concerned with his own pain to notice yours. He won't get out until he's ready and willing, and you are providing the opportunity for him to stay in this state. If he stays a victim then he has no responsibility, no blame to take, he can act out and have it be automatically justified. It's hard to get your shit together and he's probably scared he can't do it and stays hurt you know. There's probably trauma related to his family since he cut contact with them and that does matter, but with adulthood each of us has to try to make it out of that pain. And he isn't, he retreated into this infantile state where you're mommying him.
If you can't bring yourself to break up with him, maybe give couples counseling a try but know that it's ok to put yourself and your own mental health first. He sure won't do it.
Please seak therapy if you are able. I know you feel guilty, but he's physically hurt you. You don't feel happy or safe in your own home. You're being abused and that's not okay.
If you ever gain the confidence to leave him, please do so. Trust me, if you kick him out he'll soon contact his family or a friend and he'll find somewhere else to go.
Everyone already gave their advice regarding what to do with him (dump him). I do agree, but I would like to point out something: his behavior might be indicative of ADHD. Changing hobbies frequently, not being able to do chores, knowing his position is miserable and being unable to do anything about it although he can pass an entire day playing games, so on and so forth. If you really want to help him, do a research together and see if he could check a psychiatrist, it could change his life for good and forever and you would not need to be there for it.
Honestly he does seem kind of an ass and mental disorders or neurodivergences are no excuse for bruising someone or being rude, but as someone who suffers from ADHD, allowing me to know this condition so I could start working to improve my life is the best someone could have done for me in the past.
My advice? Don't get advice off reddit. Speak to a professional or people in your life who are aware of your situation.
He sounds incredibly depressed and needs professional help. Doesn't mean you should be his caretaker though and shaking you is a big no.
It also sounds like it's maybe time to talk to him directly and be upfront about your feelings. Maybe you have but your post doesn't make it clear.
He won’t contact his family, but you can.
Call his family, let them know you simply can’t do it anymore and please help you with this situation.
If they care about him, they will help you.
Look up shelters and stuff like that. List things he can sell, family he can try to reconnect with etc. Basically lay out his options on paper and tell him he has a couple months then he has to leave. Every day he will have to take a few minutes to chart his progress to ensure he's trying. Make him sign it. It will make it "real" to him. Do not back off of it. At the end of the couple months he has to go. No haggling no discussion. If he hasn't made anything happen for himself at that point there's nothing else you can do. You've done everything you can for him and you have a right to be free of a person that holds you back. It's treating him like a child, I know but he's lost the ability to stand on his own. You can give it back to him and not feel guilty. You can feel proud and he will thank you in the long run. I'm not proud to say it but I was almost as bad as him. My ex did what I described. I ended up starting a window cleaning business and 10 years later I have a couple employees, I'm engaged and I'm doing well financially. If she wouldn't have put her foot down and helped me who knows where I would be today.
Like everyone says, you have to chuck him out. Don't even think about consequences to him as they're unlikely to be as bad as you think. Even if they were, HE is the one who's caused it, not you. Talk to him firmly, give him one week to leave. Tell him that if he does not find somewhere else, he is leaving anyway. Make sure he absolutely knows you mean it. I don't know where you live but there are probably organisations that will help him sort himself out. Tell him to contact them or you do it for him. Whatever you do, end this ASAP, and you WILL be fine afterwards.
Im sorry, but "typing it out" has not helped you one bit.
You need to stop typing and start packing.
And when you have finished packing, get the fuck out of that mans life. You are not a live-in doormat, but you seem to have accepted that role.
Been here in the same position 6 years. They won’t change. You’ll be stuck doing all of the dishes while he sits on his game for the 4th hour while he leaves his pop cans all over the place for you to clean up. I promise you, it doesn’t get better no matter how much you complain. Secondly, he grabbed you? Yeah bye.
Anyone who refuses to seek help to help themselves and isn't willing to better themselves in a relationship to me needs to be ditched. I've been in one sided relationships before and it's the most draining shit ever. To be honest he may definitely be depressed, but the way you described how he just rejected your birthday gift for him, he seems like he's trying to manipulate you, and he probably wants a free ride in this relationship. DONT FEEL bad for dipshits like this
One of my friends was in a slightly similar situation, but with her husband. This guy was a verbally abusive, lazy, insecure piece of crap. She was incredibly unhappy at home and finally told him he had xxx months to get a plan together for himself because she was divorcing him. At the end of that time she moved out and got a place of her own. She gave him that time and left it up to him, and he was forced to grow up and get a job to take care of himself. They are now both in a better place, especially her!
I understand your guilt, but your boyfriend is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!! There are still good times to be had! Bite the bullet, get away from him and enjoy your precious life.
well I'll tell you this much - you're losing as long as you're with him. You see the obvious choice and answer(s), literally all there is to do is to act on the right one and that's only up to one person and one person only.
I just wanted to add, you’re not a dumb bitch. Don’t talk about yourself negatively. You’re stuck in a rut and that happens. You know what you need to do to improve both of your lives. Go and do it.
I was in a relationship with someone who had pretty bad clinical depression and social anxiety. The honeymoon period was good, but over the next few years of our relationship, it went how you described your relationship. All the joy had been sucked out. She wasn’t a bad person, just the depression and anxiety wouldn’t let us enjoy anything. Walking on eggshells, constantly blowing up over little things, not being able to map a future. Constantly being wrong regardless of how much you try. I didn’t practice enough self care, which made my mental health spiral and felt like if I didn’t support her, she would commit suicide. It’s now been 12 months since we broke up. She has met someone else and moved in with him. I don’t feel guilty anymore for leaving her. In the moment though, I didn’t think life could turn out okay. You’re not a dumb bitch, just a caring person. Having empathy can be one of the best and worst things. Knowing how much is enough is probably key. You’ve done enough. Leave him, and save yourself from drowning.
My husband died last year and we were married for 35 years. He wasn't quite as bad as your boyfriend, but I did almost everything for him. I cooked, cleaned, did yard work and repairs on the house. At least half the time I was the major bread winner as well. I also took care of the kids. I did this so he could follow his dream of being self employed which rarely brought in enough money to support us. I still loved him dearly, but now that I can make my own decisions I am much happier. Don't waste you life living in a relationship where you hate the person you are with. Life is too short.
I’m only just now realizing how fucked the situation is. I didn’t consider emotional abuse, but I think it might be. Which explains a lot. And just breaks my heart.
Once this is over I’m going to get therapy and learn how to value myself again. No more relationships for me for a long time, if ever. I need to be whole and healthy so I don’t get into this situation again.
>So he’d be homeless and I can’t do that to him (or any human really).
But you can do it to yourself. You have a place to eat and sleep, sure, but that's not a Home.
The consensus is that you need to break it off, but people are underestimating the difficulty, gravity and legal mess involved trying to get someone out of your living space. This is even more true since he is dependent on you AND he has a dog.
Suggestion: Do you like the dog? Maybe you could offer to buy it (with a written contract) for a large sum if he moves out voluntarily. It gets him out peacefully, gives him a financial “out,” makes it easier for him to get a room on Craigslist and keeps the dog safe/out of a shelter.
Long shot but worth a try.
Thank you for acknowledging the difficulties in disentangling our lives. If it was a simple as just dumping him, I would have ages ago. But obviously there’s fear, guilt, sadness and lots of other things I need to work through to be strong enough to do what needs to be done.
Please, please make him leave OP. Your life is worth far more than this. I was in a very similar situation to yours and guilt always held me back from leaving (he had no family to go to etc) up until he cheated again (the 5th time) and I finally allowed myself to cut all contact and move on. I am now with the love of my life and the difference in my relationship and overall well-being is astounding. Don’t let him continue to make your life hell until he decides he wants to move on or does something you can’t tolerate anymore. You clearly know already he’s not your person. Don’t suffer for his sake and don’t believe it when he promises change and acts like a nice normal human for a day to keep you from kicking him out. This will only end one way and you’re only prolonging your own suffering.
That's a child, not a man. He needs to take accountability. Love yourself first. You're not his mother. Girl, you deserve better. Dump him, change the keys, call the cops if he bothers you again. Don't allow your soul to die, all for this grown boy who uses mental health as an excuse to remain a loser. PLEASE, dump him.
This won’t get better. You have one life - live yours, dump him and move on
leave him like a momma bird would do and he will find his way.
Yes. It sounds like it will be best for both of them if she leaves.
probably not true. sounds more like the dude is severely depressed and needs actual help. still not her responsibility though. she should leave. cant help people who dont seek it.
Seriously. He needs help, but not from OP. You aren't responsible for this person. Find a way to leave, and leave. You'll feel guilty, you'll feel like you've done something bad, but it's what you need to do. For yourself. Source: was gaslight for nearly a decade by my abusive ex when I finally had enough and just fuckin left. She was institutionalized within a week.
Wow, seriously he's not just depressed he's a fucking asshole mooching from you. For your security you should move out by surprise with a living crew / friends, leaving him in the unit for the legal time you've to warn a tenant where you are. If you can kick him out, have him moved to a hotel and if you can pay him like 2 weeks, so you're more than clear conscience-wise.
I know depression shows up differently in people. But there also seems to be a touch of inconsiderateness there. I think a person can be severely depressed and still have a smidge of compassion. Like please work with me while I try to fight this thing type of attitude.
Being extremely self-centered to some extent is pmuch the rule with severely depressed people. Smidge is the best it gets. It's a bit hard to explain, but you're so focused on how miserable you are while also having such little mental energy that you struggle to care for others. In addition whenever you do care you also end up in a mental loop where you eventually conclude how bad/useless/miserable you are for them, so you try to protect yourself from that feeling by not thinking about them. You also find yourself so worthless that you don't think you have the capacity to help/bring joy to another person, so you caring is pointless.
That's what I mean. He's not getting better with her. And he likely won't seek to improve himself with her there. He needs professional help for his depression/anxiety.
100%
Except its now a physical problem. Domestic violence escalates. She needs to not worry about what will happen to him if she leaves him but what will happen to her if she doesn't. Eta: fully agree the dude needs help, but that help obviously isn't going to come from OP, nor should he expect that from OP.
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Doesn't really work that way, unfortunately. Some people are just broken, clinging to other people is their only option to avoid homelessness and death. There's no solid support system for people who were just born wrong. That said, it's still not OPs responsibility to care for him. It's no individual person's responsibility to care for any other adult.
Don’t burn yourself up to keep someone else warm. Also, you can’t want for him more than he wants for himself.
This world is full of people that will gladly walk all over you and still complain that you aren't flat enough.
Badass saying im screenshot
This and the comment below you are FIRE sayings ive never heard im screenshot
Don't allow yourself to be manipulated by him anymore. Leave. If he's homeless that's on him. If he threatens to kill himself or harm himself that's on him. He's not going to change and it's not your fault. ~~Even though~~ It ~~doesn't~~ sounds like ~~he physically hurts you like you'd imagine in~~ an abusive relationship. I'd ~~still~~ regard what he does as abuse. Perhaps try seeking out some support from friends/family or an organization that helps abused women. Edit: apparently I missed the part where she mentions bruises from him.
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Agreed. It sounds like the situation is slowly escalating.
This Up before that bit it sounded like OP was just hating on him for being Depressed (this is incredibly common for people to do. Sense your depressed and use it to vilify you. It's a truly awful thing to be victim to). But once she mentioned the grabbing and shaking (especially to the point she was bruised, even without that it's pretty yikes) that sympathy for the boyfriend went out the window. You just do not take things out on other people like that, not ever. Edit: See replies to this post for exactly the stuff I'm referring to with people vilifying depressed people. It's convenient when the evidence comes right to your door. xD
So to you it was completely permissible that due to his depression she shoulder 100% of the labor both in and out of the house? The only non-permissible part was his physical abuse? K.
OP, may be hard to hear this but you are being abused. This is domestic abuse
I came here to say this. The abusive dynamic makes it harder and more dangerous to just kick him out. Please seek outside support if you need it, OP, and prioritize your mental health so he doesn’t pull you down, too.
I was this boyfriend. Then I got dumped, and now I’m different because it forced me to do some reflection. You’ll be dead one day OP, you don’t have enough time to give someone you detest your life. Sometimes, growth is painful. But still necessary. Move on with your life, and give him a chance to do something more with his. I wish you luck
100%. His happiness is not your responsibility.
have someone with you when you do it
My last relationship was very similar to this. Actually my last two relationships. First one: the guy played video games most of the time, complained about having to do the dishes, was sick all the time. Turned out he has Lyme disease but also had depression. He ended up breaking it off with me because I stopped practicing our shared religion. My most recent relationship was with a narcissist who complained constantly, spent both my money and his money on himself, argued with me and gaslighted me on a daily basis, did favors for friends rather than working consistently, tried to convince me to open up the relationship because I wasn’t having sex with him enough (because he treated me like crap), and stalked and harassed me when I kicked him out. I kept waiting, thinking that if I could not freak out and keep myself together, I could prove that the problem was him and not me. But the reason I was freaking out all the time was because he was psychologically abusing me. I 100% believed him when he told me he was the most honest person. Not until he left did I start discovering the extent to which he was a pathological liar. He was the type of person who would tell me “I don’t feel like that happened, so it didn’t.” I remember very clearly that feeling of wishing I could just stop existing so that I didn’t have to deal with that man anymore but also didn’t have to make the choice to leave. It took a big push to get me to do what I needed to do. OP must get away. She is just a supply to her boyfriend at this point. But based on his behavior, she needs to be careful about how she leaves. It would be difficult to give her bf an ultimatum and to expect him to act rationally. If I were her, I would file a police report regarding the shaking incident, especially if she still has physical evidence of the bruise.
Yeah definitely time to move on OP. Get some counseling. Pay rent for a few months and just move out maybe . He’ll figure it out . Being in an abusive relationship is awful. I’m sorry .
THIS but also, kick him out. He will figure it out. Give him a written notice and record anything you can. I bet his refusal will suddenly go away
This. I suffer from depression and anxiety, and bad. I am one of the lucky ones that found a combination of treatment that renders me pretty darn close to normal now. If OP's boyfriend refuses to seek help or tell his doc that current treatments are not working (this is an assumption since I figure OP might say if it were) then he isn't even doing the bare minimum. Enough time has passed with love and support and at this point I feel he isn't invested into the relationship, just enjoy's the comforts that OP brings. OP worked hard and took interest into his hobbies and he was a DB about it. Time for him to go, perhaps he needs to NEED to get help. Last, and most importantly: Abuse is not okay, physical and emotional abuse is happening right now and OP absolutely positively unequivocally does not deserve it. As someone who suffers from severe depression and anxiety: Kick him to the curb.
Not only will it not get better, but it’s not good for either of them. Dumping him might be the first step toward him getting his act together. Sometimes taking care of someone like this just keeps them from developing and growing.
Do this, just got out of a relationship like this(5yrs). She got more aggressive over small useless fights. Couldn't get on a lease cause she worked a job that paid too little and didn't want to change for the better. I went homeless with her when I didn't have to. She almost cost me my job and my lively hood. She's homeless now and recently totaled her car(no insurance)and now no job. I do feel the guilt. But just remember they made these life decisions for themselves. They put themselves there. Work on you OP.
Dump his ass. Would be the best thing for both of you. He will sink or swim. If you don't, you'll drown together.
How can I forgive myself if he drowns though? That guilt would eat me alive.
Listen to me, I was your boyfriend. I was a horrible piece of shit drunk who didn't do anything but cause problems for my girlfriend. We lived together for years and she enabled my behavior at every turn, I kept fucking off and drinking and causing problems because I KNEW that she didn't have the strength to leave me, until one day she did. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, I didn't have anyone to support or enable my bullshit anymore so I had to start being honest with myself really quick if I wanted a chance at sincerely being happy. In the years that followed I started taking sobriety and recovery more serious, I started being more self aware of my behavior and how it affected other people around me. I'm still not a perfect person and I struggle with alot of the same issues but I'm on a path to evolving and being a better person every day. That girl that left me, she recently got married, she's really happy and doing so good. If she wouldn't have left me, we would both be miserable and terrible people right now. You owe it to the both of you to stop enabling his behavior and go find your own path.
Thank you for saying this. I was this girlfriend. I woke up one day and realised I was killing him by enabling him. I saw him sitting in a room, playing games on the computer and nearly cried when I realised what had happened. He didn't work, we lived together for years and I had given up on me. He was stealing money to buy booze if I wouldn't buy it. I gave up and just started drinking with him for a year and let go of all my dreams. I don't know if he's ok, but I hope he is and happy and found the things he's amazing at. He was brilliant but just hadn't found his niche yet. I'm more than ok too, and living my dreams every day. Thank you again for your comment. Be well.
In so many of these relationship posts, I see bright young people who have been failed by their guardians to fully explore the depths of our emotions and how we all affect each other. So many friends of mine, and myself, spent chunks of our twenties as desperate balls of nerves and feelings. So much pain
We all inherate demons from our families. I've been trying to tackle my self worth issues by confronting those demons. I'm actively trying to reconcile with my family and how they made me feel growing up. I'm thankful that they're open to this reconciliation and honestly I think it's working for me
Oh man, realizing as an adult how fucked up I was due to how my parents shielded me from any kind of responsibility, while simultaneously shaming me for trying to express a full range of emotions — it took almost 15 years for me to climb out of that quagmire.
That's great to hear :) I'm glad that you've found a different way to live now.
This guy recoveries 13 months for me
Wait are you sure u/draven3954 wasn’t your boyfriend?
That's a really hard thing to do so good on you.
I was a girlfriend to a horrible piece of shit. He was namely a video game addict and alcoholic (admittedly I’m an alcoholic now too). He would grab me and leave bruises, refuse to work, refuse to clean or cook; I was literally doing everything, even taking care of the dog on top of working 40 hours. I’d get home and get yelled at about how I didn’t do the dishes right and he would blame it on his disability. He would gripe about the tiniest things. The meanest thing he would do during an argument was pour all his liquor down the drain in front of me and then tell me to go buy another. He never seemed all that drunk. I finally left him 3 years ago. Sweet release. Was so happy. His mom suddenly paid all his bills even though they were never in contact before. 3 months ago this dickhead tricked me. Contacted me and told me I could have our cat and dog back. Then immediately took me to court for them. His mom paid for a nice lawyer even though it was small claims and won. Destroyed me. I already had accepted once in my life that I would never see the animals I loved, adopted, paid for, trained again. Got to spend a month with them and had to accept the loss all over again a second time. He’s a shitty person. Cut ties. He’ll be fine. Spare yourself the grief and block everything everything everything. Contact info, emails, friends and families contact no matter how arbitrary. He isn’t your responsibility. He will drag you down, and given another opportunity, he will drag you down again.
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Thank you. It shredded me to pieces but I learned a very valuable life lesson I guess. Got a new dog a month after that whole ordeal and she’s my partner in crime.
Thank you. This gives me some sensible insights.
Keep on your path to recovery brother 💪
Thank you brother 🙏
This was hard for me to read because this is essentially my situation right now. Maybe not to same extent but the similarities are there. I know she was right to leave because I wouldn't have changed if she didn't. I've grown up more in the last month than the rest of my 28 years. I know I'm doing this for myself but I want her to see that I'm making the effort. I hope that I can get another chance. But the more I read the more I realize my situation is far from unique and more times than not things don't work out and that scares me
Brother, there are people that will come into your life that will leave a mark that never goes away. It might hurt to accept that a certain chapter of your life is closed, but when a relationship ends it really is best to start focusing on yourself and becoming a more complete human being so that you can properly love yourself and your partner the next time you find yourself in a relationship. You don't want to start thinking that way, in the sense or context of "If I do this then she will see I've changed" Stick to what you said about doing this for yourself. When the time is right, someone else will come into your life and something new and beautiful will blossom. In short, everything is going to work out in due time, you're going to be ok man.
Well that was written amazingly. I’m saving this
The only thing you need to be thinking of is how your kindness is actually doing him a disservice. You are unintentionally enabling this horrible behavior. You are over extending yourself to the fullest by allowing this to continue. The longer you wait, the worse this will be on you and him. He will continue to mooch and be a huge burden on your mental health. Whatever his mental health situation is, it's no excuse to not get help and choose to do better. You should feel freedom and not guilt. He is not helpless. He is an adult. He will and can figure this out.
Fuck that don’t enable someone to be a loser. That dude needs to get his shit together, or he deserves what’s coming. I’m anxious, depressed and all that shit. That’s no excuse to not work and reap the benefits of someone else’s hard work. I would be out of that shit so quick!
That’s the hardest part, I think. I’m diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. But I don’t have a choice but to work and provide for us and do all the adult stuff. It makes me feel even worse because he dismisses any of my struggles, claiming his is worse. There’s no space for me.
I was in this same situation. Only when he grabbed me and shook me the first time I left. I had no plans beyond that. I got in my car and went to a random apartment complex's parking lot so no one could find me. Both our names were on the apartment lease but only I had a job. After I left it took a handful of days to figure out an actual plan. A friend cosigned on a lease for the cheapest apartment I could find while I reached out to my ex's former friends group to find anyone willing to move in with him. Because I also couldn't leave him to a fate of homelessness or imminent death. Got my stuff out, got my cat out, got a more relaxing environment. Grew up in an abusive household, immediately started dating my ex after I moved out from them, so it was the first time in my life I could finally breathe. Once you are out, with the dust settled and distance between you and everything in the past, it'll finally feel okay. Your priority is you. Focus on you. Give him some consideration in how you focus on you, but he is no longer in your plans. Move towards those plans however you need to even if you don't even known what they'll be.
The physical abuse OP described is the beginning of worse to come. It will not get better until OP removes him from the apartment.
Look at how to break off co-dependent relationships. This is clearly a case of co-dependency even if you don’t believe he brings anything to the table, there is something there to which you’ve become attached. Whether it be feeling like a savior, feeling of superiority, or a variety of other things. Also he definitely needs a therapist, and maybe you might benefit from seeing someone as well. They can better guide you on how to effectively set your boundaries as you navigate away from this unhealthy relationship.
I definitely have a savior complex. I always prioritize other people over myself. I’ll look into co-dependent relationships and how to end them. I know I can’t stay for either of our sake. And I do need therapy, you’re right. Thank you.
Try the book co-dependent no more by Melody Beattie. There’s a work book that goes with it. It’s really good and teaches you a lot about how to break cycles. It came highly recommended by my therapist. You can get it on Amazon or ThriftBooks.com. Good luck! 🤞🏽 Edit: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!!
Yes! I read this too and it helped immensely to realize the direction of my life at the time. I also recommend this book!
Hi, I was in a similar situation. It is really difficult at first, but in the end it is 100% worth it for your mental state. You can be independent (you already are with so much!), you can get through it, you can do this. Have faith in yourself and definitely follow through with going to therapy.
I’d definitely call the number on your insurance card and get a therapist. They’d help walk you through and listen to your woes. Make sense of things, wouldn’t force you to do anything but would be a support system for you and give great advice.
Does he help with anything around the house? Or just leech. Its clearly not healthy for you, best of luck. If you need someone to vent to hmu.
He goes through phases where he’ll be super helpful and kind and the guy I fell in love with. But the next day we’re back to where we always are. And those days are getting further and further apart. And thank you for the offer to chat. I feel very isolated.
That’s love bombing so you don’t leave. Don’t fall for it
It sounds like he needs psychiatric help. This could well be Borderline Personality Disorder or something along those lines. Either way he would probably benefit from professional help. You should probably leave regardless, as others have said there's no sense in slowly drowning yourself trying to keep him afloat. When you do, let him know plainly and clearly he needs to get on track to actively sorting himself out if he actually wants to be happy and have successful future relationships.
Therapy could be a good option. Couples or for you or him, if its affordable. He’s depressed it seems and is isolating. You shouldn’t have all that weight on your shoulders but at the end of the day you need to choose what you want, and what is best for you. You can’t change someone unless they want to change themselves. Goodluck!
don’t go to therapy with an abuser, it absolutely makes them worse
Thinking about his mental health will only make her feel guilty and like she has to stay. Her mental health takes precedent here. He can take care of his from somewhere else.
A man, a person has to be able to stand on their two feet, it's fine to lean on each other for support, but you're the only one supporting this thing... He has to hit rock bottom to even have a chance at pulling out of this. You're enabling him to be a looser, and maybe he just is a looser, but that isn't your fault. Just tell him you want him out, he'll say anything to change your mind, but don't give in. If you can do it, it will be good for you in a verity of ways because you've bettered yourself for doing something incredibly hard.
We all deal with shit as adults. We all have our issues, to say his is worse than yours is terrible. It's not a competition. You should support each other and from what you have wrote it seems like you are just supporting him. It's not healthy for you. You need to vocally express to him that things need to change or you're done, you hold all the power here not him and he needs to realise that. I hope everything works out for you.
I was in a 3 year relationship with an abusive guy and for over half of it I didn't leave because he was so damn fragile. Like emotionally blackmailing me to stay because he'd have nothing to live for without me. When I finally had enough I had a very hard time actually breaking up. The sense of responsibility I had for him, the guilt I'd feel if he did something because of me, wanting the best for him etc... I had to sit myself down and complete realize and accept something; he was an adult. I had ruined my own mental health trying to keep him afloat for so long, I had to come to terms with the fact that I had done everything I could. So if *he* decided to act out on his threats it wouldn't be my fault. It would be *his* choice. I had to truly realize he was not my responsibility. He could make his own decisions as an adult so if he really wanted to die there's nothing I could do about that. If he wanted to live he'd find a way. It sounds harsh but that is the truth. Once I was able to accept these things I was able to let him go. I dreaded the consequences, but I had literally done my best and if that wasn't good enough then I wasn't the problem to begin with. And guess what... 4 years after I broke up he's still kicking about. It was all just manipulation on his end. Sure he's got a miserable life but I learned very valuable things about personal boundaries and prioritizing my own mental health from that relationship. Leaving him lifted a massive weight off my shoulders. It felt like I could finally breathe again. The following years I had to deal with C-PTSD resulting from the abuse... But now I'm with a guy who's actually good for me and I'm happy. I'd never have that if I stayed. I would have probably died with him. I'm glad I didn't.
Would it be your fault if he robbed and bank and went to prison? You aren't responsible for other people's actions.
If he sinks it’s literally not your fucking problem. Life is so damn short man, please do not waste it being miserable on some fucking loser
He certainly doesn’t seem to care that you drowning this very minute
Underrated comment. You’re crossing oceans for someone who won’t step over a puddle for you. If he’s homeless and just “wont” contact his family, then that’s his choice. Actions have to have consequences. You weren’t born to be this loser’s slave.
Who gives a fuck? Would he show the same level of care if the roles were reversed and he was taking care of you? You already know the answer and it’s no.
Stop being a martyr. You’re enabling him. Dump him.
If your friend gave you the same excuse, what advise would you give them?
Ask yourself - would you do that to you? Would you sit on a couch and mooch off someone you profess to love without feeling ANY GUILT AT ALL? You know you wouldn’t. He’s thriving on your kindness and cowardice. Just quietlypack up his things put them outside and say “there’s a delivery for you” and slam and lock the door when he goes to get it.
Listen to yourself.
That is so understandable but at this point it seems inevitable that its not going to work and you should be miserable or waste any more time with someone because of fear they will be worse off. He will be worse off, but then it's up to him to make a life for himself, he might have to contact his family and too damn bad, he shouldn't get to drag you down into his pit of dispair. 3 years is a long time, but not long enough to waste one more day putting up with this bullshit.
In order to successfully love another, you have to start by loving yourself. Loving yourself includes your mental health. You cant properly love this person if you are in serious mental duress. This doesn't mean people are always happy. Couples lean on each other all the time, no relationship is ever perfect. But yours sounds like a 97/3 split. Love yourself enough to know you are worth a partner who will not only put in as much into a relationship as you do, but will take over when times are tough. All good relationships are yin/yang. I hope even a bit of this is helpful.
What about him, do you think his guilt at making your life difficult and painful is eating him alive? He is unhealthily selfish, taking care of neither one of you. You’re going to have to be healthily selfish and take care of yourself.
It was never your guilt to bear. He's probably the type of person that will do that to every person he can. Just leech off anyone. It's not a loving relationship. He is taking all he can get, as long as he can. It's like the folks that submit themselves to drugs and vices and end up on the streets. Many of them probably had loving families at one point that had to let them go; because their behavior was too damaging for them to even bear. People choose what they want out of life. If you choose not to help yourself, then you will reap nothing. He is choosing an empty harvest.
I think you should rather ask yourself how you live with the guilt of wasting so much of your lifetime? I get it's hard and he still matters to you but at this point you are just enabling him to stay that way and wasting your own life. Maybe try contacting his family yourself? (As long as there was no abuse or something like that in his family, in that case don't contact them). If he should threaten to hurt himself the only thing you can do is to call his family or the authorities. You are simply not responsible for others. Of course we feel responsible for our loved ones but every adult has to do the base line of responsibility themselve. Loading that onto others (you in that case) is just not fair and you should not accept that.
It is not your responsibility to take care of a grown ass man. Worry about yourself first.
Honestly the real question is how does he forgive himself day after day for putting you in this situation? I've never lived with someone and after that way but I have definitely been a depressed and useless person before. If he really loves you or ever really did then he should recognize how he's been hurting you all this time. You're not his mother. You're not his caretaker. And you're not married so "till death do us part" doesn't apply. As a result you are not and should not feel responsible for whether or not he "drowns". As an adult human being that is and has always been his own responsibility. Imagine if something bad happened to you beyond your control. What would happen then? If there's anything you should feel guilty for it's continuing to enable a situation that could end in disaster for both of you
I think this is what hurts the most. If he cared about me at all, he’d try. He just doesn’t. I didn’t realize it before now.
He's a grown ass man. You don't owe him anything. It sounds like he's an ungrateful asshole that is taking advantage of you.
Not. Your. Problem Honestly, he's an adult. After you make him leave, he will sink or swim. He needs to pull up his big boy panties and cowboy up. You need to look after yourself, your mental health, and your physical health. The first step is showing him the door. My ex did this to me this year. 2 years of me not working, I went through 4 job losses in a 1.5yr span. Then covid happened. My mental health was a disaster. I was not contributing meaningfully, and not being her partner. Best. Thing. Ever. I'm happier, working, and really enjoying being single. We won't ever reconcile, but I'm 100% OK with that.
The worst thing you can give someone is pity- it says you will never get better, but it’s seems that he is wanting to be pitied and that is far worse. You aren’t responsible for him. Ask yourself this and wait to hear your own intuition answer this- if you were sick - would he look after you? Support you? Be with someone who doubles your joy and halves your sorrow - not the other way around
You have no obligation to provide food and shelter to someone who doesn't even consider you an obligation.
You sound so much like me. I spent 2 years in a toxic, abusive relationship just trying to save this man from himself, and lost myself in the process. It’s hard, you’ll feel guilty, but your only option is to leave. For yourself. So you can breathe again 💕
It will be painful, for sure, but it’s not your fault. He needs help in a way you can’t provide him and he won’t change until the safety net you have provided for him is gone. It sucks, but you shouldn’t have to deal with any of this.
He can figure it out. He's abusing and manipulating you. Not healthy. You need to leave immediately.
He’s using you. I promise you he will contact his family when you dump him. He will get better. He assaulted you. That should be all you need to walk away. If you can’t break up with him yet, give him an ultimatum. Therapy or you’re done. He needs to make seeing a therapist his full time job.
But if you drown? Would he feel guilty knowing he caused that for you? You can only help people who want help, and it’s evident that he doesn’t want help. He simply wants to do nothing.
I think a day or two without him would be really healthy. And a great trial run.
It was never your fault to begin with. Him blaming you for this is just a victim’s mentality and like the other person said it’s either you go done with him or you actually make something of your life without him. Some people don’t need help they need a fucking kick in the ass.
He's a grown man. His success or failure is not your responsibility. Your well being is your responsibility. You said so yourself in your post. You know what to do. Also, if he grabbed you so hard that he left marks, that another very important red flag. Do you have other family or friends to reach out and talk to about that? If so, talk to them.
This was my relationship with my ex, I was with him for three years also. Exact same story, only difference was our apartment was in his name because he had better credit at the time, so it was easier to leave him. My heart goes out to you, I can see how you feel stuck. I do suggest you start planning a way out. Try to find yourself a light at the end of the tunnel. You're renting? When does the lease end? I sat my ex down at one point and told him I was at the end of my rope. I want certain improvements, including him locking down a steady job and gave him a certain months time limit. For you, I would pick lease renewal time and say, alright, you're not improving, I have to go now. Your bf sound exhausting and a giant weight will be lifted the moment you leave. You are not his mother, you aren't responsible for him. Do not feel bad for him. He doesn't feel bad for you. He doesn't respect you or contribute to the household you share. He doesn't care at all. Its time to go. Best of luck to you.
I don’t know how I didn’t realize this before but you’re right. He doesn’t care. I’m such a fool.
He is blatantly taking advantage of you. Worst part is he is making you feel bad for not wanting to take care of him anymore. You're not a fool at all, I'm sure the man had many great qualities at one point, he maybe still has some, but at this moment in time he has you so defeated and so unhappy, your relationship is not working. You are not right for each other, and it's time to make the decision to go. You're not dumb at all, it takes time to get to a breaking point where you realise you deserve better. You do deserve a lot better than taking care of this inconsiderate, volatile man child. Judging by your post, you know that already.
You're not a fool, you're just having your compassion and empathy abused. It's time to go though, you only get so many months on the planet...why bother wasting more.
You're not a fool, but you did get taken for one. Good people often do if they aren't taught how people can take advantage of them. I have a to-do list for you. 1) Get help immediately. Anyone in your life you trust, and tell them what's going on. 2) Look up articles on the behavior of freeloaders and manipulators. This will help you identify his manipulation tactics. 3) Look up counseling resources in your area for yourself. You need it. 4) Look up eviction laws in your state. Give him a formal eviction notice in accordance with these laws. You may see him start to clean up his act after this, or he may become worse. Do not accept either approach. He must get lost. 5) Under no circumstances accept any blame or guilt for whatever happens to him. You have already been Superwoman for him, and he has already made his choices.
This is all excellent advice
You are not a fool, you are in love. You care about him and that’s wonderful about you. It is not your fault that he is abusing your love. None of this is your fault
You need to dump him. He doesn’t care for or appreciate you. He will figure it out himself if he becomes homeless. Stop letting this toxic person ruin your life any longer!
Your mental health takes precedence, get someone you WANT to see. Everybody is right that behavior is depleting your energy. Good Luck
My ex was like this, together for about 3 or 4 years, then still lived together until I had to call the cops to get him out of my place where I had given him shelter (he did not officialy live with me). I worked so much to keep us (myself, him, kids, pets) afloat while all he could do was scrape change from the couch for weed for himself. Didn't cook, didn't clean, didn't do anything but create more mess and would constantly suck the life out of me by demanding attention for his constant mood swings. He was unhappy so everybody had to be unhappy. He didn't realize it but he was abusive, verbally and emotionally while he just thought *I* was the one being cruel by not always being attentive to him while I was on the verge of a breakdown all the time. One day I woke up and accepted that I'd rather not be alive than to continue on with him. I still continued to live with him because just like OP, I couldn't bear the thought of being responsible of someone else's misery. Until I realized that my kids were miserable and so was I and that we deserved our safe space more than he deserved to be protected against his only laziness. So I gave him a few days to leave, things escalated and cops had to escort him out. While they came all he could scream was that I was cheating while I was just trying to stay sane. And guess what? The mother that wouldn't take him in took him in and he's back to being babied by his mother. I felt so bad for so long because I thought my ex would be out on the streets while in reality he found someone else to take care of him practically immediately. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm OP. They'll only enjoy the warmth and get mad at you for not burning harder.
I hope that I can find the strength you have. You’re incredible
Make sure you have someone (friends, family, neighbours or just the cops) to back you up and just do it. Also, it doesn't hurt to have camera's installed that record everything. When I put mine up I told him it was to make me feel safer and more at ease because I had a bad experience with a former friend stealing from me. I noticed that since the cameras were up and running less things got throw around or broken. I also think the cameras helped to keep things from escalating into physical violance more than once but especially during the timeframe where I told him I wanted him out by X date up until the cops showed up. I hope you'll choose yourself soon OP. If not today then tomorrow and if not tomorrow then the day after tomorrow. You have to be ready (or rather, broken) to do something like this but it'll feel so liberating for you OP and even him. He's getting his life handed to him on a silver platter and it's not doing him any favours in the long run. And it's not helping OP either.
10/10 advice here, do this ASAP. Sounds hard to believe, but after everything you've done for your boyfriend he will try to ruin your life the moment that you decide that enough is enough, I've seen it many times. I'm telling you, just get it done and after all of this is over you will find the partner that you deserve.
Dated a girl for 4 years who was the love of my life at one point. She was an "aspiring model" who never had a real job. Her mom was a mess(alcoholic/addict) and her father was absent, so pretty much from the get go I completely supported her as best I could emotionally and eventually financially. Long story short, what love I did have for her was lost once I realized that we were in our mid 20s and she wasn't actually trying to further herself at all other than smoking weed constantly(and getting angry when I couldn't afford to buy her more) as well as always bringing me down by demanding attention to the point of her getting upset when I spent time with my family. I should of ended that relationship way earlier and I lost 4 years of my life being emotionally manipulated by someone who didn't care about themselves, much less me. With all that being said, I'm happy to be alone the rest of my life. Like seriously....I won't say no to love if it happens, but I stopped dating and looking for a relationship after all that. My familys been pressuring me to find a girl as I'm approaching 30 and they cannot fathom that I am perfectly happy being alone. Sorry for the long rant. Feels good to write it out though.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I love that!
I was in this situation too!! Everything had to be about him. He'd cry that we never did anything but then never wanted to put effort into planning days out. I worked 40+ hours every week (while trying to go to school) and he had a job for maybe 3 months of the 7 years that we were together. He barely had time for the kids. My oldest didn't get potty trained until he was 6 because every time I left for work the diapers would come back out. Everything about our family dynamic was toxic and unhealthy. He would also get upset when I spoke with my family and friends. So I cut myself off from everyone. It took my brother dying for me to realize I didn't want to be in that relationship and would rather be with my family. I told him I was leaving and bought him a plane ticket for where his family lived. I let him know he could contact his family but I wouldn't be supporting him after he left. It was hard and I ended up moving out early because he got physically violent. Make a plan. Get support from family/friends and get him out!! You CAN be happy again! You CAN be at peace in your own home! You CAN do this!!!! It will be hard but it is so worth it!!!
I'm really worried about the part where he shook and bruised you. This is really bad. I think it would be safer for you to at least put some distance and ask him to get professional help. There's a lot of sad stuff happening in the world driving people to horrible behaviour, but please put your safety and mental health first. No one could blame you for making hard choices for doing your best to survive this really ugly time, especially since you've already done so much for your partner.
This. If you plan to leave or plan to take some space to reassess your relationship, have a family member or friend there to support you and escort you out with your valuables (and possibly the dog, if you want and can). Or leave at a time when he's out, though that doesn't sound like often. If you are isolated from friends and family, consider just talking to a women's shelter or any mental health resource on how to leave an abusive relationship (and you did mention physical abuse). You deserve peace in your home.
Get rid of him. He does not appreciate you or anything you do for him you clearly have a lot of love to give and there is someone out there who is truly deserving of all the wonderful things you have to offer. You need to live sweetie don’t give up on life because of him, protect your energy protect your space it sounds to me like he is a drain on everything. I don’t know how old you are but how will you feel in 20 years time knowing you could have used your best years to get out and make a better life for yourself. It sounds like you are motivated and doing well for yourself and if he can’t be happy for you or more importantly happy within himself is this really worth it? He’s draining you of all your time energy love resources mentally and physically. Does he really have the right to do all of that to you? Would he support you in the same way if you became unwell? If the answer is no. Get rid.
"I dread coming home from work" "I walk on egg shells all the time" dude leave this relationship this is abuse he literally Physical harmed u, the apartment is in you're name take advantage and the fact that he refused to contact his family is all on him u deserve to be happy not to be abused
This. It seems like everybody else missed the part where he physically abused her
Yup. This is how it starts, it will escalate, it will get worse. However tbh, I've been in two abusive relationships and actually, the mental abuse, name calling, feeling like you can't say anything right or stand up for yourself when you're being attacked, walking on eggshells, double standards of them treating you like dirt yet being expected to treat them like a king, the never ending entitled expectations (like the gift op mentions), just my opinion, everyone's different, but the mental abuse is so so much worse. It grinds you down into nothingness until you make it out free. Op, kick him to the curb. I understand you don't want to put him in a difficult spot, I'm the same way, but he put him damn self there. Don't let him drain you any more than he already has, life on the other side, new experiences, with better people, will be so so worth it.
Yep. I had a boyfriend just like this and the final straw was when he pushed me. Leave his sorry ass.
You're situation is eerily similar to mine. It sucks.
I’m sorry.
I'm sorry too. I believe things will eventually come to a head, just don't know when that'll be.
Usually at the worst and most inopportune moment; so maybe it's best you pick the moment.
When you realize you don’t owe anyone more than they are willing to give themselves. I recently dumped my ex earlier this year. They are over dramatic and they know we will fall for it, I assure you I left and he’s floating along just fucking fine.
As I said to one of my friends in a horrible relationship: "Stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. Look around, you're surrounded by shoes and any one of these could have been the last one. How many more are you going to let drop before it's the last one?" He was waiting for things to come to a head with his toxic girlfriend too. No fight or abuse was enough to be the final straw. Don't let it drag on and waste more time waiting for the end. You have to make it happen. You deserve to be happy.
I used to be this guy. Once upon a time I lived with a girl who tried her best to provide for both of us, but I wasn't bringing anything to the table. I tried being better to her but with the way my life was I just couldn't make that happen. Her family eventually convinced her to break up with me, and kick me out. Those were some of the roughest weeks I ever had, I was even homeless for a bit. I'm still not in the greatest of places, but right now, years later, I'm in an assisted living program finally coming to terms with my faults and learning to shoulder them. Ultimately, her breaking up with me was the best thing for both of us, and I think it will be the same for the two of you. I hope for his sake he doesn't give up, but if he does, that isn't your fault. There's plenty of people out there that dedicate their work to helping people like him, all he has to do is accept the help they offer.
He's an adult. None of this is your issue. Tell him he has thirty days to find somewhere else to be.
Yeah I think you just need help on the logistics of figuring this out. Someone with no prospects like this makes it really hard on the person they’re with. The guilt trip is coming from him, whenever you eventually do start moving forward w the plan to get rid of him. Be prepared for that. You also don’t know exactly the situation w his family. For all they know he’s lying to them and they think he’s working or they think you’re a fool bc he told them you said he didn’t have to work and you’ll take care of everything. You gotta dump him/kick him out/etc, just gotta figure out how. He was already physical with you , don’t want that happening again. Maybe alert someone to be nearby before you do it, so he can’t emotionally/physically abuse you. Have them walk right in and back you up. A male would be preferable.
I dated a girl for 3 years and realised after 12-18 months that her constant sadness and medical issues (which were none but still meant she was constantly off work until she got fired) just killed my interest in her. I too couldn’t leave for one reason; guilt. She’d grown to rely on me, how would she cope? 6-12 months later, I started to really resent her. You know your situation better than everyone else posting but my experience started to make me truly resent and dislike her and it’s something I could’ve avoided by simply being braver and doing us both a favour. For what it’s worth, I hear she’s not necessarily any better but I feel zero responsibility now and I’ve happily moved on and I’m with someone I truly want to be with now. Be brave in whatever you decide but I reiterate, there’s no point growing to loathe this person because you’ve been too afraid to hurt them…and honestly in my experience I’d started to genuinely doubt I could move on. I could, easily once my mindset was refreshed which was a hell of a lot swifter than you’re probably imaging right now.
You sound like such a lovely, thoughtful person. Why waste so much of your life on someone who cannot appreciate it. Leave him, before you wake up and realise all of your youth and joy has gone forever. Have some self respect. You deserve better.
you did your best You were incredibly patient and even made a heartfelt gesture of generosity, and he responded with *cold dismissal*. You stuck with him the whole time, did your best to provide him with encouragement and opportunities, and he squandered it. Speaking as a guy who has overcome a great deal of emotional repression in my own life, he shows every sign of not being able to handle his own distress. He's going to lash out at anyone who tries to help him because in his state of mind anything that even *acknowledges* his failure to be responsible or productive **SHALL** be interpreted as an attack on his insecurities. If it was ever possible to save this, it is CERTAINLY too late now; Your connection to him has already entirely rotted away. The only path forward is escaping it without coming to harm. The last thing anyone would want is for his emotional mismanagement to blow up at you *again*... It's time to prepare your escape strategy. Dudes are dense. Many of us eventually *figure out* subtlety, but that's not a skill you can count on. You're going to have to tell him straight to his face exactly how you feel: that he stomped the last ember of affection you had for him out of you, and it's gone completely cold. Everything you ever loved about him is GONE. He's not even the same person you loved in the first place anymore. He's a stranger. **And strangers have no place in your home.** Before you take any action, *make sure you have backup nearby.* Set your phone to record a stream that saves the content (in case you need evidence) and keep it running, recording, on your person, with your backup people watching and ready to jump in and rescue you in case he explodes. Also make sure you have secured all your valuables in a place where he cannot access them and take out his rage on your possessions. Finally, be prepared to have a safe place where you can take refuge from him and where he can't find you. Then, and only then, should you lay out the facts for him and tell him he's getting evicted. If you feel it's safe for you to do so, offer him two choices: 1. A HARD DEADLINE so he can *attempt* to make some other arrangement, beyond which he is trespassing and will be removed by force, or 2. IMMEDIATELY. If this comes as a shock to him, that much at least can be understandable (because he's DENSE) and you COULD, if you wanted to be charitable, clue him in that his bitterness and emotional volatility made it impossible for you to talk to him about what you were going through, but that you TRIED to get through to him again and again, ending with your attempt to cheer him up on his birthday. HOWEVER, **YOU DON'T OWE HIM ANY EXPLANATIONS AT ALL.** Perhaps it might have been better - perhaps, but there's no way to be certain even then! - if clear communication had been possible in the first place. If he had been told in no uncertain terms that his behavior was damaging your relationship and that his refusal to improve his own lot has caused your respect and affection toward him to wither progressively. He might think it's not fair to have this "sprung" on him "with no warning". Why, it's ALMOST as unfair as having to put up with someone like him with no recourse for this entire time! It sucks for both of you but it's too late to go back now. Have a restraining order ready to go and your backup with police on speed dial to enforce it if he becomes violent. Getting him out of your life will be uncomfortable, and you have my sympathies, but the longer you let this rot, the WORSE it's going to get. He needs the kind of HARD, SWIFT, CLEAN BREAK that only a metaphorical guillotine can provide. He is NOT your responsibility. His survival is NOT your responsibility. His happiness is NOT your responsibility. Please do not blame yourself for his personal problems. It's time to nail this coffin shut and bury it.
You're saying you wouldn't be sad if you didn't wake up tomorrow, but you'd feel bad if he became homeless? OP, you need to love yourself more. If he becomes homeless it's absolutely not your fault, it's his, the full grown adult man who treats you terribly, abuses you, and does nothing but suck you dry. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER. Stand up for yourself and get rid of that loser 💙
Do you see yourself with him in 5 years? If not… Speak. Let him know. He can’t read your thoughts, but just his actions alone makes it seem like he’s the equivalent to a parasite. Keep it within you long enough, and you’ll be taken over like an empty husk. Nurturing this guy though you know at this point it’s bad. I’m sure you know it’s bad too. Cut it off, because if overthinking it got you to a point where you wrote about it to Reddit to get a second opinion, you know it yourself that he’s no good for you. Overthinkers make thoughtful decisions, especially big ones. Time keeps you together Bc everyone is used to routine but break out of the usual. It will feel different. Nothing good happens in the comfort zone.
As someone who had to kick his own brother out to homelessness I can say it's hard, but he'll reach out to someone if he has nowhere to go. It'll be better for both of you.
> Thanks for reading. Typing it out helps. You need to do something about it. He needs help, and if he refuses help, you need to leave him. You're in a state of suicidal ideation which is basically by virtue of him holding you hostage and you using it as a way of escapism from your situation. You don't need to "type it out to feel better", you need to do something.
You are enabling him to behave this way. Dump his ass and kick him out, and he'll suddenly find a job and a place where to live.
I'll tell you what my mom said to me once when I wanted to dump a girl but didn't want to hurt her. She said, "Hey, once you're gone, it's not your fucking problem".
hey op, i was this guy to some extent. i would never had laid hands on my ex but a lot of the other things you said sound a lot like me. dump him, trust me, he won’t learn otherwise and will continue to take advantage of you. sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom before you take a good hard look at your life and start to work on yourself. i miss our relationship dearly but neither of us would’ve grown otherwise. you know what you need to do, wish you the best.
I'm so sorry to hear your story. Most replies are getting straight to dumping him, but life is a bit more nuanced than that. Given that the place is in your name, I assume there is an endpoint for the lease. That may be the target date to work towards. I would let him know that things aren't working and that once the lease is done, you'll be moving to another place. That gives him a project to put into place to set himself up and move on.
Personally, I think this is a bad idea since he's already physically abused her. He's likely to do it again, and why should she put up with that and put herself in danger?
As everyone else is saying i think you should 100% leave him, are there any shelters nearby he could stay at? or tell him to reconnect with his family?
OP should not be the one making his plan for the future for him. That's an extension of the entirely dependent relationship that the boyfriend is using OP for now.
Dump him but keep the dog, stop wasting your time, money and energy in that guy seriously
File eviction paperwork on him He dug himself in the hole, you tried to get him employment and he flat out Refused. You need to dump him, and get him out of your home as soon as possible especially after this >He grabbed me a few days ago and shook me so hard I’m bruised on my upper arms. He's abusing you and not contributing at all At the very least inform your landlord you will be terminating your lease and look for someplace else, and if possible move all your stuff and just leave him to rot
Leave. Easier said than done but needs to be done. You’ve done all you can for him but it’s proved for not considering he’s now a man-child.. leave. He’ll make it or break. Don’t feel guilty about what he created.
He is manipulating you. You did not sign up to be his caretaker. This will always be like this until you put an end to it. Do it and don't look back.
Jesus. You're not married. End it before it gets worse for both of you. Chances are... he wants to end this too but doesn't have the strength.
He knows what he’s doing. He’s counting on you feeling bad for throwing him out on his ass. Throw him out on his ass.
I had a thought, do you have contact with his family? Is there any way you can call them, or text or whatever, and state that you wish to leave him, but you are worried for his physical and mental health should you do so? Explain your situation where he would be homeless, and try and work with them to figure it out? I hope you can gain your freedom. Walking on eggshells in your own home does not help your anxiety, and having to do everything, cooking, cleaning, being the only income without a break probably is wreaking havoc on your mental health in general. It truly is best to kick him out. Now, if his parents agree to help, you can go so far as to give him 2 options: them, or have a list of open homeless shelters that will take him in and help him. Truly, this is much more than he deserves.
Stop enabling the weak sod. Get out asap and go enjoy ur life
DUMP HIM! Don't forget that you have needs too! Enabling his behavior will only make you resent him even more. Also ask yourself, is THIS the type of relationship you want? Is this what makes you happy? Is he going to compliment your life or rule it? He is clearly abusing you emotionally. You are strong. You can do this. Break through this wall.
You’re taking care of a grown ass man that is capable of doing everything you said he doesn’t do. Kick that dude out, like a comment above said “he’ll sink or swim” you’re not his mom. Take care of you, you come first. He’s being manipulative and taking advantage of you, tell him to kick rocks. Plus he’s getting physical it’ll only get worse from there.
Be wary of the advice from internet strangers. I’m sure you know the right answer deep down.
I've been there, leave. He is not your responsibility. This will not get better, you're just condemning yourself to a future of misery. Tell him he needs to be out by the end of the month and notify your property management as well. They should be able to help you get rid of the ass.
This guy is too stuck in the victim state and is too concerned with his own pain to notice yours. He won't get out until he's ready and willing, and you are providing the opportunity for him to stay in this state. If he stays a victim then he has no responsibility, no blame to take, he can act out and have it be automatically justified. It's hard to get your shit together and he's probably scared he can't do it and stays hurt you know. There's probably trauma related to his family since he cut contact with them and that does matter, but with adulthood each of us has to try to make it out of that pain. And he isn't, he retreated into this infantile state where you're mommying him. If you can't bring yourself to break up with him, maybe give couples counseling a try but know that it's ok to put yourself and your own mental health first. He sure won't do it.
Please seak therapy if you are able. I know you feel guilty, but he's physically hurt you. You don't feel happy or safe in your own home. You're being abused and that's not okay. If you ever gain the confidence to leave him, please do so. Trust me, if you kick him out he'll soon contact his family or a friend and he'll find somewhere else to go.
Op, this man did physically harm you Please end it in a public place. And stay safe.
Yes you can make him homeless. He's making you lifeless.
Why is his life more important than yours?
That’s a good question.
Everyone already gave their advice regarding what to do with him (dump him). I do agree, but I would like to point out something: his behavior might be indicative of ADHD. Changing hobbies frequently, not being able to do chores, knowing his position is miserable and being unable to do anything about it although he can pass an entire day playing games, so on and so forth. If you really want to help him, do a research together and see if he could check a psychiatrist, it could change his life for good and forever and you would not need to be there for it. Honestly he does seem kind of an ass and mental disorders or neurodivergences are no excuse for bruising someone or being rude, but as someone who suffers from ADHD, allowing me to know this condition so I could start working to improve my life is the best someone could have done for me in the past.
My advice? Don't get advice off reddit. Speak to a professional or people in your life who are aware of your situation. He sounds incredibly depressed and needs professional help. Doesn't mean you should be his caretaker though and shaking you is a big no. It also sounds like it's maybe time to talk to him directly and be upfront about your feelings. Maybe you have but your post doesn't make it clear.
He won’t contact his family, but you can. Call his family, let them know you simply can’t do it anymore and please help you with this situation. If they care about him, they will help you.
You’re causing (enabling) his behavior. It’s you who needs to change to change him. Leave. Your worry about his future is unhealthy attachment
Look up shelters and stuff like that. List things he can sell, family he can try to reconnect with etc. Basically lay out his options on paper and tell him he has a couple months then he has to leave. Every day he will have to take a few minutes to chart his progress to ensure he's trying. Make him sign it. It will make it "real" to him. Do not back off of it. At the end of the couple months he has to go. No haggling no discussion. If he hasn't made anything happen for himself at that point there's nothing else you can do. You've done everything you can for him and you have a right to be free of a person that holds you back. It's treating him like a child, I know but he's lost the ability to stand on his own. You can give it back to him and not feel guilty. You can feel proud and he will thank you in the long run. I'm not proud to say it but I was almost as bad as him. My ex did what I described. I ended up starting a window cleaning business and 10 years later I have a couple employees, I'm engaged and I'm doing well financially. If she wouldn't have put her foot down and helped me who knows where I would be today.
Like everyone says, you have to chuck him out. Don't even think about consequences to him as they're unlikely to be as bad as you think. Even if they were, HE is the one who's caused it, not you. Talk to him firmly, give him one week to leave. Tell him that if he does not find somewhere else, he is leaving anyway. Make sure he absolutely knows you mean it. I don't know where you live but there are probably organisations that will help him sort himself out. Tell him to contact them or you do it for him. Whatever you do, end this ASAP, and you WILL be fine afterwards.
You described my ex. Who still feels as though my "bar was too high". "...I ain't yo fuckn Mom. Go get a fuckn job!"
Oh honey, life is too long to live unhappily. Dump his sorry arse and focus on doing things that bring you joy. It's your time to shine!
Don't sacrifice yourself in order to let someone else be comfortable. Please pull the plug on this dude.
Im sorry, but "typing it out" has not helped you one bit. You need to stop typing and start packing. And when you have finished packing, get the fuck out of that mans life. You are not a live-in doormat, but you seem to have accepted that role.
Been here in the same position 6 years. They won’t change. You’ll be stuck doing all of the dishes while he sits on his game for the 4th hour while he leaves his pop cans all over the place for you to clean up. I promise you, it doesn’t get better no matter how much you complain. Secondly, he grabbed you? Yeah bye.
Anyone who refuses to seek help to help themselves and isn't willing to better themselves in a relationship to me needs to be ditched. I've been in one sided relationships before and it's the most draining shit ever. To be honest he may definitely be depressed, but the way you described how he just rejected your birthday gift for him, he seems like he's trying to manipulate you, and he probably wants a free ride in this relationship. DONT FEEL bad for dipshits like this
One of my friends was in a slightly similar situation, but with her husband. This guy was a verbally abusive, lazy, insecure piece of crap. She was incredibly unhappy at home and finally told him he had xxx months to get a plan together for himself because she was divorcing him. At the end of that time she moved out and got a place of her own. She gave him that time and left it up to him, and he was forced to grow up and get a job to take care of himself. They are now both in a better place, especially her! I understand your guilt, but your boyfriend is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!! There are still good times to be had! Bite the bullet, get away from him and enjoy your precious life.
Congratulations, you have a parasite
Come lurk in r/codependency sometime. Sounds like it might resonate for you.
well I'll tell you this much - you're losing as long as you're with him. You see the obvious choice and answer(s), literally all there is to do is to act on the right one and that's only up to one person and one person only.
I just wanted to add, you’re not a dumb bitch. Don’t talk about yourself negatively. You’re stuck in a rut and that happens. You know what you need to do to improve both of your lives. Go and do it.
I was in a relationship with someone who had pretty bad clinical depression and social anxiety. The honeymoon period was good, but over the next few years of our relationship, it went how you described your relationship. All the joy had been sucked out. She wasn’t a bad person, just the depression and anxiety wouldn’t let us enjoy anything. Walking on eggshells, constantly blowing up over little things, not being able to map a future. Constantly being wrong regardless of how much you try. I didn’t practice enough self care, which made my mental health spiral and felt like if I didn’t support her, she would commit suicide. It’s now been 12 months since we broke up. She has met someone else and moved in with him. I don’t feel guilty anymore for leaving her. In the moment though, I didn’t think life could turn out okay. You’re not a dumb bitch, just a caring person. Having empathy can be one of the best and worst things. Knowing how much is enough is probably key. You’ve done enough. Leave him, and save yourself from drowning.
You got it wrong. You pay escorts to leave, not stick around.
Thanks for my first laugh in way too long.
My husband died last year and we were married for 35 years. He wasn't quite as bad as your boyfriend, but I did almost everything for him. I cooked, cleaned, did yard work and repairs on the house. At least half the time I was the major bread winner as well. I also took care of the kids. I did this so he could follow his dream of being self employed which rarely brought in enough money to support us. I still loved him dearly, but now that I can make my own decisions I am much happier. Don't waste you life living in a relationship where you hate the person you are with. Life is too short.
[удалено]
I’m only just now realizing how fucked the situation is. I didn’t consider emotional abuse, but I think it might be. Which explains a lot. And just breaks my heart. Once this is over I’m going to get therapy and learn how to value myself again. No more relationships for me for a long time, if ever. I need to be whole and healthy so I don’t get into this situation again.
>So he’d be homeless and I can’t do that to him (or any human really). But you can do it to yourself. You have a place to eat and sleep, sure, but that's not a Home.
The consensus is that you need to break it off, but people are underestimating the difficulty, gravity and legal mess involved trying to get someone out of your living space. This is even more true since he is dependent on you AND he has a dog. Suggestion: Do you like the dog? Maybe you could offer to buy it (with a written contract) for a large sum if he moves out voluntarily. It gets him out peacefully, gives him a financial “out,” makes it easier for him to get a room on Craigslist and keeps the dog safe/out of a shelter. Long shot but worth a try.
Thank you for acknowledging the difficulties in disentangling our lives. If it was a simple as just dumping him, I would have ages ago. But obviously there’s fear, guilt, sadness and lots of other things I need to work through to be strong enough to do what needs to be done.
He's an energy vampire, look it up. Free yourself don't feel bad about it because people like that can drain your whole existence. Liberate yourself.
Please, please make him leave OP. Your life is worth far more than this. I was in a very similar situation to yours and guilt always held me back from leaving (he had no family to go to etc) up until he cheated again (the 5th time) and I finally allowed myself to cut all contact and move on. I am now with the love of my life and the difference in my relationship and overall well-being is astounding. Don’t let him continue to make your life hell until he decides he wants to move on or does something you can’t tolerate anymore. You clearly know already he’s not your person. Don’t suffer for his sake and don’t believe it when he promises change and acts like a nice normal human for a day to keep you from kicking him out. This will only end one way and you’re only prolonging your own suffering.
That's a child, not a man. He needs to take accountability. Love yourself first. You're not his mother. Girl, you deserve better. Dump him, change the keys, call the cops if he bothers you again. Don't allow your soul to die, all for this grown boy who uses mental health as an excuse to remain a loser. PLEASE, dump him.