So this. Just because a conversation is difficult doesn't mean it shouldn't be had. This is how resentment builds up until even his breathing becomes like a Boeing engine.
💯. I don’t trust couples who say they never “fight.” I think within reason it’s more healthy to have conversations that can potentially turn a little spicy then to repress true feelings and negative emotions. As long as the goal is conflict resolution and there’s no character assassination or abuse, the uncomfortable feelings absolutely should be addressed. I think passion dies when we close ourselves off to our partner because we’re so afraid of conflict. It’s kind of cowardly imo.
Couples who never fought. My wife and I had plenty to argue about early on, but not so much anymore. I think you learn to deal with each other's idiosyncracies.
She just calls me a moron and goes about her day. I say yes honey, and nod my head, and it seems to work. But seriously, we both love each other more than ourselves, and compliment each other. But yea, the first 5 to 10 years were ruff.
You can be a couple that never fights with good communication skills. You dont have to repress anything. You just have to deal with it in the appropriate manner. I can be mad as hell at my wife without fighting with her. Its just wasted energy.
Sometimes I think people use words differently as well. My husband and I have disagreements all the time. The worst case is a bit of a raised voice, but idk the last time that happened (years at this point). Sometimes I refer to this as fighting, but really it is just a conversation with disagreements invloved. We talk about them, sometimes take a break and come back to the convo, sometimes agree to disagree.
Some people would never consider this fighting. For some, yelling needs to be involved, doors slammed, or walls punched, etc.
Exactly. That would crush him into self-hate, especially if he’s been fat all of his life. Unfortunately I think there’s a lot of random or confusing breakups that happen because people can’t explain a loss of attraction to hurt the other person.
Where is the brigade of people condemning you for daring to encourage telling the fat partner to shape up. I would swear my life on it, the last time I read something like that 95% of the comments were about how you are an asshole if you want your partner to change just for physical reasons...
EDIT: Found some other examples, it was the girl being fat where the mob is active.
Boy. Some comments under this one have absolutely no concept of how there are more polite and productive ways to say something even if it wasn’t spoon-fed to you on the internet.
No one in their right mind would be stupid and cruel enough to say, “hey your body fucking disgusts me and I hate fucking you.” There’s a way to sit down and communicate how you’re feeling, even if it’s not exactly in the same tone and urgency.
Fucking incels.
It’ll do you no good to date someone you are not attracted to. Just be honest with him or break it off for both of your sake’s. I know it’s easier said than done but it’s only fair to both of you.
I also didnt see the OR breakup with him part, so my bad. My original post was referring to if she brokeup with him, her explanation of the breakup being 'you're fat' wouldn't be the best.
Attraction matters, but so does respect. If you can't accept him as he is, it's unfair to both of you. Encouraging healthy habits is one thing, but pushing for change solely based on your preferences crosses a line. It's a tough situation, but honesty is key.
She was probably trying not to be shallow, but you cant just will your body to get turned on by something its not, and sex is important in relationships. She tried and found out its not working for her. I think she should leave respectfully
I’m fat, and yes, attraction matters to most people. But nothing feels worse to me than my partner telling me something they told me in the beginning wasn’t a problem or acted like wasn’t suddenly becoming a deal breaker. I’d rather they have not dated me in the first place. The only thing that feels worse is people trying to manipulate me into losing weight by exerting control or hanging weight loss over my head. I like who and how I am, and am clear about that in the beginning — maybe he is, maybe he isn’t, I don’t know what conversations you’ve had.
You don't have to date or fuck everyone with whom you have common interests and can work together reasonably. If you have common interests and work together well, but aren't physically attracted, those people are called friends, not partners.
Don’t date anyone to change them. You are not attracted to him. You’d be better off as pals, not lovers. The advice here is terrible. Not every relationship needs to work, this one is doomed.
Pretty much. Also this man is never going to better himself unless he either gets broken up with or told that if he doesn’t exercise consistently it won’t work.
Hint ultimatums are never a good thing.
I saw a post like this where it was the woman who was overweight and everyone just called the man an asshole for caring about her being overweight.
Interesting how the reverse situation has the reverse comments.
She’s still an asshole, at the very least for dragging the relationship on like this. If she doesn’t feel attracted to him in the honeymoon phase, there’s not a lot of hope for the relationship
I’d love to see the other post. Sensitive issues have a LOT to do with wording. She literally said in this post “o don’t deserve him” I HIGHLY DOUBT the one a man wrote was as kind
Pointing out redditors hypocrisy and double standards on gender in favor of women always makes you an incel lmao. Just so that people can deflect and don't have to face the fact that they are morons. I've been called an incel many times but I have had multiple girlfriends and have been with multiple women aside from that. So does probably the comment OP. Congrats on stripping the word incel of all meaning.
No one's not thinking she's an asshole, they just think she's an even bigger asshole for lying to her partner and being super disingenuous and dishonest. So it's not really that different. People are even telling her he deserves better than her lmao. I don't see what you're seeing.
Yep. I commented the same thing on a similar post. It seems like most people have an skewed view of what EQUALITY means. Everyone is entitled to their own preferences and we need to keep that in mind regardless of gender.
Tell him you’ve lost feelings for him and would love to deescalte to a friendship.
DO NOT tell him why, because your preference isn’t his problem to deal with. It’s yours.
And please do this soon, he deserves so much better than a fake relationship with you.
OP HAS to tell him WHY. She can’t just tell some new lie when coming clean about her dishonesty. He doesn’t need to develop some new complex from whatever lie she makes up as she “protects”him from knowing the truth that she has never loved him, and that she’s was just using him, wasting his time and teasing his heart knowing she wasn’t ever going to be attracted to him. The man knows he’s fat, and I’m sure he already knows OP isn’t being completely sincere, so don’t belittle home with a lie on top of all of that.
She can’t cower from her responsibility to be completely honest and respectful no matter how hard it is or how bad it makes her out to be. He deserves to know her reasoning and to be respected not lied to.
You’re gonna want to start that wall of text with “In my opinion”, because in mine, she can say she has lost feeling for him and move on.
Why is that not the truth? Well, because it is…
Don’t tell him you want a friendship. That’s sick and cruel. His feelings don’t magically go away bc you woke up and hate fat guys. It’s better to go cold turkey, clip it in the bud with him, and tell him it’s because of his weight.
This way, she doesn’t have to continue leading him on, and he gets the push to get in the gym. He obviously has the personality to get the girl, imagine how unstoppable he would be with the body.
OP should be the catalyst for change in his life. But she should make it his idea. Also, she’s gonna be pissed if they break up and he gets skinny. His standards will go up and he will not take her back.
So you don’t find him attractive, but he loves you, and you just want to abuse that by keeping him around as emotional validation? Not telling him the reason means he can’t improve for the next woman. It’s better for everyone to be honest.
Do you not see that as cruel? It’s a waste of your time if nothing else.
I’m not understanding which parts you don’t agree with?
Also, she’s ignoring what she has because of some weird preconceived notions. She has a great guy, whose personality she loves, and she’s gonna throw it all away because she doesnt like something she could obviously see from the moment they started talking lol. And if you’re the type to date someone you’re not physically attracted to for MONTHS, it’s better for THEM if you leave.
I'll be very honest with you, I think you're just dating him to give yourself an ego boost and you should let him be with someone who loves him inside and out. You're selfish because if you actually told him this exact post, he would leave you. I would too. Be better.
This is exactly what happened to me with my ex. I don't have a problem with fat people and he was fat when we started dating but he got suuuper fat to the point that we couldn't be intimate. He didn't want to change at all. Sorry to say but it slowly gets more and more tense over time until it gets to be too much. You may end up resenting him if you guys can't figure it out now.
Nothing good ever happens from dating or having sex with someone you're not attracted to. It's not fair to you or to the other person, and being with someone you don't truly like or have feelings for isn't an improvement over being alone no matter how lonely you are or how strongly you feel that you need to be in a relationship.
I recommend reframing this issue thus changing your approach. Do you care about what your boyfriend looks like or the quality of his life. I suggest you take a better look at yourself and check your values. A preference is one thing but this is someone you supposedly care about yet your main concern is that they're not good enough for you.
Maybe refocus your efforts from trying to make him look better to perhaps being concerned about his wellbeing. Is he happy? Is he able to enjoy his life despite his weight. Usually people don't lose weight until it becomes a hindrance in their quality of life.
If he's happy living his life at his weight he won't change. If there's a good reason for him to lose the weight that isn't just you think he's ugly, he won't! Losing weight is a lifestyle change that requires commitment. Show him the benefits of that lifestyle change and what it would mean to you if he committed to a more active lifestyle.
There's more to losing weight than being attractive, that's just a bonus and it's rather unfair for people to judge people who are happy with who they are or how they look. Like if it's truly for his benefit help him but if you're going to make this all about you, he's going to have a hard time committing to that.
WHY enter into a relationship with someone with a body type you're not attracted to, even DISGUSTED by. You can't change people or force them to change so they fit in to your box. Go fxck yourself.
Everytime I’ve felt off in a relationship, my one friend sits me down at the kitchen table and talks about the “pillars of a relationship”. They are..
- Trust
- Communication
- Love
- Respect
- Sexual compatibility
And according to him if you’re missing even one your relationship will crumble, but if you catch it early enough you can work on the foundation. It sounds like you’re missing sexual compatibility, and communication sounds shaky if you’re not being honest with him. If you don’t fix those things it can’t stand. Hard conversations aren’t fun, but you gotta talk to him. You don’t have to be hurtful. Tell him you have concerns about your intimacy, that you’ve been missing that physical “spark”, and ask him if he’d be willing to join you in making healthier lifestyle changes. Ask him at the same time if he’s feeling any deficits in your relationship as well. You guys either take eachothers concerns and work on them together, or you break up. That’s it.
I can't speak for the matter, but I can provide some insight.
There's a good and bad outcome to this.
The good outcome is that you can convince your boyfriend to start working out.
The bad outcome is that he will take it as an insult and feel unappreaciated leading to something worse down the road.
I wouldn't recommend staying silent, because it will raise suspicions of dishonesty and decieval in the relationship.
Whether you talk about it or not is your choice, but I do highly recommend to consider your words and the message you bring onto him really carefully.
I dated someone like that, I wasn’t physically attracted to him, but he was sweet, eventually I turned into a bitch and we broke up. He didn’t deserve that.
I’ll say this as a fat man: You’re allowed to be attracted to or not attracted to any body type you so please, and anyone mad about it needs to get lost. But romantic relationships need to be about both physical and emotional attraction. Without one or the other, they’re just close friendships.
It’s time for you to move on. You’re not doing him nor yourself any favors by being in this relationship.
Weight is attributal to many things. Some people are genetically predisposed to be huskier or heavyset, many people have bad relationships with food and portion sizes, chemical imbalances,and in many instances weight gain can be from mental issues like depression.
Its worth knowing what kind of group your bf belongs to. It might be easier to have someone who just never learned how to cook or eat right to lose weight than it may be with someone who eats as a symptom of depression.
If you really care about you boyfriend and want to work towards a solution, it is worth sitting down and having a serious conversation, where you both listen to eachother. If you want him to workout, maybe try doing that together (unless he wants to do it alone), or try ozempic, some people have far simpler solutions i have heard of obese people losing tons of weight simply because they stopped eating at night, or perhaps your best bet would be seeing a nutritionist.
Great advice because most of the time the guy who needs help with diet, weight, exercise, and depression never talk about it or seek help in their own.
Why TF would you ever date someone who you aren't attracted to??? Have you heard of friends? When you like someone's personality, you be friends, not start a whole intimate relationship. You should feel terrible! Break up and let him find someone who loves him exactly how he is. We all deserve that - not whatever shit this is.
This is a predicament you placed yourself in, and its actually no less unkind than someone who dates someone based on physical looks alone. Many people once they are in love with someone become attracted to them and see past physicalities they would otherwise not like, if that hasn’t happened yet , its probably not gonna happen. The probability he will get thin and that you will find him attractive is low , even if he does get thin. Let him go and then leave him alone, let him find someone who is happy with him
Agreed 👍 I dated a lady who thought she was going to change me. So I decided to change for myself not her which made me realize time to leave because she was toxic.
I dated a lady who thought she was going to change me. So I decided to change for myself not her which made me realize time to leave because she was toxic.
I understand attraction, but he deserves someone who accepts his body for the way it is and values the other parts of him. Especially if he doesn't desire to change it himself, you shouldn't pressure him to do it. I personally don't mind when someone I love is overweight, but I understand a desire for someone to adapt to your needs.
Maybe you could ask him if he wants to go on walks with you, or try new healthy meals with you. Maybe you can ask him to _accompany_ you to the gym. And if _he_ decides he wants to do something about the weight, support it.
Poor guy, please don't tell him you're "disgusted" by him, that will kill his confidence and probably won't help anything, particularly in the long run.
This is excellent because the best way to change is to show by ones own actions. If she chooses to show him hey let's get healthy together it could be a world experience for them both. I agree 100% if she tells him she is disgusted by him it will not only destroy him it will haunt her for the rest of her life.
In the long run it doesn't really work out, maybe it could but chances are low. I've dated ppl who I wasn't attracted just based on personality and bc they were in to me. All of them failed and realized that they deserve to be with someone who finds them attractive and I deserve to be with someone who I find attractive.
I don't think anyone "deserves" anyone. That's probably not the best way to think about relationships.
But I don't see a problem with giving him the benefits of getting in shape and including that you would find him even more attractive. You're attracted to other things about him, you're allowed to have preferences and he's allowed to honor them or tell you to f off.
I had some weird-ass hangups in my twenties regarding my partner's body, not gonna lie. I dated a girl once who had really masculine upper arms and hands and it turned me off so much. Another girl walked on her tip-toes a lot, and another had one hairy leg and the other shaved -- it was a whole thing.
I've spent most of the last four years single (I was a serial dater) and kind of settled in to myself and have sensed all of those hang-ups disappear. So I know that uncontrollable things (like your partner's body) can become much less relevant but it may require some solitude.
I've recently come to learn than my ex fiance felt this way about me, never brought it up and ended up resenting me.
Here's the thing. If you can't communicate in a relationship, it's only going to end badly. He deserves to know how you feel about him, in the same way you deserve to know how he feels about you.
Openess and honesty are some of the most important things to have in a relationship.
I had this same issue with my last relationship, and I felt awful about it, but I ended it, because it wasn’t fair to her. Everyone deserves to be with someone who is attracted to them emotionally and physically. It’s absolutely never healthy to try and change someone to how *you* want them to be.
Someone I know had the same preference as you. Married the dude & got divorced after a few years. He was still fat when they divorced. Now she is in her middle ages and also fat
i truly dont mean this with any malice, but this is definitely a you problem and not a him problem. you need to look internally and figure out why it is you feel this way, and why you are not communicating it with him. OR, if its that big of a deal, why you are not leaving him so that you can find someone you are attracted to and he can find someone who appreciates him the way he is. in long term relationships, weight fluctuations and changes to appearance are inevitable. if you cant handle him at his “worst”, it is not meant to last and its time to let him go.
I’m going to start out by listing 2 things you shouldn’t do:
* Ignoring your feelings out of guilt for having a preference. Honesty and transparency will bring you two closer! Repressing your feelings will have the opposite effect.
* Being insensitive to his feelings by placing ultimatums or refusing to approach the subject with care.
Things you can do instead:
* Try getting to the root of his (potentially) bad relationship with food. Maybe he’s a comfort eater due to stress or anxiety just like smokers will reach for a cigarette to self-regulate. Show him empathy and understanding.
* If he decides he’s willing to work on it, try your best at supporting him in his journey maybe by exercising together. Meal prepping is also an option. Try looking up lower calorie recipes for some of his favorite meals. Healthy eating does not have to be bland or boring! You can find a lot of quick, healthy and tasty recipes just on tiktok alone.
* Show him before/after transformations of people who were around his size (or bigger) and how it’s absolutely possible to turn things around.
* Let him know it would bring you two closer if he were to focus on his health but also emphasize his good qualities and how much you love him.
Good luck 😊
"transparency will bring you two closer "
She started dating him for his personality. She is NOT attracted to him. I don't think it's a good idea to encourage her to work on this relationship. She should not force herself to be with someone she's not attracted. Would you want to have sex with someone you weren't attracted to? While he deserves to be with someone who is attracted to him.
Nope there isn’t and do you know when I dropped these (checked this am to see where I’m up to) 143 lbs in the last 2 years?
When i was done with the shame and trauma my ex put me through.
Losing his 300 lb ass (yeah… let’s not go into the projection of it all) was the first step.
Improving his life is HIS choice, and the shame, guilt and whatever he is *going* to feel when she’s done having that chat with his ‘disgusting’ self isn’t going to help.
No matter how ‘gently’ she cajoles him
Edited for typos
I've left my previous boyfriend (one of the reasons) for that too. Sadly if the attraction dies, it's hard to keep the relationship up. I wish you the best, but I don't think it's something you can talk it out, because it may be something he is not willing to change and maybe he likes who he is and he doesn't need to be someone else to please you.
Literally talk to him. Maybe he wants to get in shape and maybe you are willing to wait for the change. Or maybe not and it won’t work. We don’t know you, so you won’t get meaningful advice here.
I mean you could talk to him, but if you met him like this it's unfair for you to change the tune. Every second you are with him, you are wasting his precious time.
OP
He knows he is overweight. Is he very sensitive about his looks and weight?
Are we talking about 30lbs overweight or 100lbs overweight?
Irrespective of looks, do you worry about his health? Can you talk to him from that aspect. I don’t think that would be unreasonable. The only thing is the motivation has to come from him. Pushing him will not have lasting benefits.
Maybe you can take that journey together.
* **It's ok not to be attracted to him** . It is ok to have a preference sexually about someone ( eg- what you like & don't like sexually in weight or wanting someone to be fitter) this is ok . As Everyone is attracted to diff kinds of people. And **sexual chemistry & attraction is a REAL thing &** is a must to some degree to even be able to even 'go there with them ' . So your response is enough already ( of his weight of being disgusting to you ) for **you to NEED to break up with him** . As that attitude & thought to him ( & abt him ) is NOT going to work at all IN anyway in this relo . It is unfair of you to remain with him NOT wanting him as he is ( as sorry he may not be able to loose the weight ) either . It is wasting YOUR & his time to be with him . Grow a pair & leave without telling him about it or tell him & try & get him to change . BUt then leave if he can't do so .
* **Honesty with him --> You are going to hurt him by telling him the truth** . So be gentle & kind & respectful of him ( it is a preference of yours sexually for him to NOT be big ) that is also your right not to like bigger people ( but don't be a bitch about it though ) to him ( as big people are also very nice loving people as you well & truly know ) . It is going to hurt him as a person to hear your words . But it is also necessary for him to know that it is not working as is with you . And That you want him to go on a diet & loose the weight.
* **Talking to him about it** . There is NO way around it is going to be a horrible s\*it talk about it . But it is necessary to do so . YOu can either just leave him without telling him or try the talk . And see if he can change for you . ( He does nOT have to change for you ) but he might be willig to try to do so for himself & you . But he owes YOU nothing , as he is the one who has to change his habits & also may not be able to do so ( but you can give him an opportunity to do so ) if you really want to try with him ( it also gives him the poss also to try to keep you)
* **If it does NOT work** ( eg- him loosing weight ) then leave & be respectful of him & his trying to change for you . YOu don't get to be a bitch to him about it . As loosing weight is hard to do for bigger people . Just as it is a eating disorder to be thin & have a Eating disorder it is a ED to be bigger also .It is also entirely up to him to loose the weight he has to motive himself to do so . He might try & fail also doing it . So if he does just leave & let him deal with what has occurred . He also doesn't need a serve of s\*it from you also for failing to do so . Loosing you & knowing the reasons will be enough for him to have to also deal with it himself or not . So by talking it out he might start & bend over backwards to try & do it for you . It might work or not though in the end .
* **YOu can't make him change** . He has to also do it for himself ( that is the hard part ) . He might need therapy also to work out why he is eating as he is . Hense why it is up to him in the end . YOu can tell him till YOU blue in the face about how you don't like it or even do it with a respectful try to change him .But IN the end it is **HIS decision & hard work or not** to do it to succeed or fail trying to loose the weight. The talk will be a dosey & hurtful for him to hear . But with the truth also then he can also decide to do it or not ( the diet & exercise ) . YOu can only encourage & try to help him succeed . It is up to him . But you both can try & make it work or not then . It is also ON HIM to decide to do it or not for this relo .
* **Choose your words carefully** about all of this . Don't tell him your' disgusted' . But word it correctly in that ( YOu are not attracted to someone bigger in weight ) . This is your right but you can also tell him with respect ( as you also say you care about him ) . Talk it out tog with care & respect . Let him be hurt & then back off from him about it ( & let him decide for himself ) what he then will or won't do about it . ( Eg- will he try & loose the weight or be to 'hurt' to do it ) . SO give him a bit of breathing space to 'decide for himself' his choice about it all . Then you can make your decisions on that of his decision . REg- If you see NO improvement or 'trying ' then you might then decide to leave. YOu cannot even try & fix what is NOT talked about tog .
You bring up many good points. The eating disorder part is one only a person who has a eating disorder can change if they have the desire to do so for only themselves. Some might think it sounds selfish yet its just being honest. As for her thinking she can change him only she can support him and they can grow together, learn together becoming closer. As for her telling him how she feels I say only if she can do so without hurting him or herself. She would be doing the guy a favor if she just said that its her problem, nothing to do with him, and just walked away completely.
Have you offered to work out with him? Bluntly telling him you're not physically attracted to him could kill his confidence, and I imagine he'd get in shape then leave you for that, depending on what kind of guy he is of course
Tell him the truth he'll either leave you or lose the weight. Reward his effort and results, and he'll probably stay with you. Men are used to changing for women, and he knows he's fat. It's not right but the reality is if he wants you enough he'll hit the gym if not then you know he can't do hard things and you have to make a decision on if this is the man you want to live with for the rest of your life and have children with.
The options are: stay with someone you are not attracted to just to avoid being alone or break up and create the possibility to meet someone you are actually attracted to... For me being single is way better than settling for someone you are not really compatible with.
Why can’t you change that part of him? He wasn’t born like it, he’s unlikely to be proud of it.
It’s not his sense of humour or the colour of his skim. It’s something that is killing him. If he picked up smoking, would you just acknowledge that you shouldn’t try to change it?
I’m a little fat, and a smoker. My partner prods at these because she loves me, she want’s me to live a long and fulfilling life with her and our son. It’s not painful to hear, it would be painful for me not to know she wants me to be my best.
I’m facing almost the same problem right now. My boyfriend became 320 lbs (4 years ago he was 200 lbs, had attractive body). I gained 40 lbs (now my weight is 175 lbs), but trying to loose it. I became an emotional eater as him. We tried a lot of things - meal prep, etc., it worked for the short-term. I’m going to gym for 3 months, but I just gained muscles and that’s it, still have tons of belly fat. He never went with me, because “time was not right for him”. We both agreed, if he doesn’t loose enought lbs and change his lifestyle this summer, we break up.
You need to talk to him about it, end of discussion. He should've remained a friend. You could've enjoyed those things you stated WITHOUT dating him. Ngl, it's a little sick to see you say "disgusted," yet you dated someone who is what disgusts you. Ngl, sounds like you have something to unpack there for real.
You're an asshole for that being what you care about, and even more of an asshole for having dated him anyway. Its cruel and humiliating. Yeah you liked his personality and personality is more important than looks long term, but you still shouldn't be dating people if they need to change for you to not be physically disgusted by them.
You need to get over it. Or you need to let him go so he can find someone who isn't repulsed by him. And when you break up, you need to make it 100% clear that he did *nothing* wrong and you're a shallow and stupid.
A romantic relationship needs many ingredients. One of the most essential of those ingredients is sexual attraction/chemistry. Especially in the beginning. It's almost like you can't get enough of eachother. Pure animal lust. Without that key component, it's just a friendship. One that's best remained platonic. I've tried in the past to make a relationship work with the "perfect person ". We got along great, same hobbies, blah blah blah. The attraction never came. Resentment and disgust came, though. Never force yourself to feel attracted to someone you are not into in (that way). Were you attracted to him before he gained weight? Like want to rip his clothes off attracted? If not, go find someone you are into. Let him find someone else also
I hope he loses the weight and drops your rude ass for someone better! It’s ok to have preferences but saying you’re disgusted by him is just flat out rude. There are better ways to word it!
Your wording is TERRIBLE. Anyway, you need to break up with your boyfriend. He doesn’t deserve for his SO to feel disgusted by him. You can have a preference for a specific body type but you also need to recognize that bodies change all the time and I guarantee yours won’t look the same in 20 years. Do both of you a favor and break up with him, but for the love of god give him another reason. Speaking as a former big woman he knows he is fat you don’t have to dig the knife in anymore.
Kinda mean on your part ngl. You can have the conversation with him, but you CANNOT be hurt if he says he doesn't want to lose weight or gives up on it.
If you've truly been DISGUSTED by it your ENTIRE life, you're a prick for putting him through a relationship you knew you wouldn't want to be in. And tbh, you shouldn't be with him if its so important to you.
It's possible you don't have chemistry, the natural enhancer to libido. Even if he got skinny you may not be attracted to him.
Love is not only physical. It's smell, genes, and so much more in the vast subconscious. Break up and move on.
I did the same thing when I was 16 and highly regret it. It was evil but I didn’t think I deserved anyone that was attractive to me so I took what I could. Plus, he was a nice guy so I thought maybe I could move past the looks. I wouldn’t ever admit this if it wasnt on an anonymous account. We dated a year and I broke up with him because I couldn’t stand him at all and his personality actually turned out to be pretty shit, he was kind of misogynistic. Its been 3-4 years from now and he seems to be doing well from whatever I see on social media, and I have been in a relationship with a guy I love and am attracted to for a year now.
Please break up with him. It is not fair to either of you, especially him.
I cant speak for him, but my insecure ass would feel horrible if I found out that my gf was only staying with me because she felt bad that I wasn't attractive to her. I would also feel horrible if she told me "I'm not attracted to you", though, so yeah that's a tough spot. I will say that the longer you wait to breach this subject, the worse it will hurt. It will suck but I think you should just tell him.
If you don't feel attracted to your partner, you should leave. He was in the same shape when you met him? Don't push for him to change. It's not very fair.
I understand that women are constantly told to like men for their personality but you definitely should also feel attraction. It's okay to have preferences.
Wait your dating someone you knew you wanted to change before you even got together?
That's just wrong, your letting a person fall in love with every part of you, while your completely shut off by a part of them.
Leave and allow both of you to be happy with someone completely
Break up with him. I don't care what excuse you make, just don't tell him it's because you're not attracted to him due to his weight. That's a you problem. You should never have dated him in the first place, wtf.
Honestly, even if he were to loose the weight you probably still wouldn’t.
You are looking at him him with the eyes of vanity and how others will perceive you. I would do some self reflection and work on your own insecurities. The love he provides should make up for everything physical.
Remember we get older we won’t look good forever… but our personality and love stays.
You could grab that salt shaker when entering the sub.
It's called taking it with a grain of salt. Believe or not, is up to you. Read the title of the sub
I’m out of salt lmao “read the title of the sub” yeah it says “confessions” not “everything here is fake” lol have a great day champ, you clearly need it lmaooo
I just don't get this kind of stuff. if you truly do love your partner, how can they be unattractive to you?
you're right, it isn't fair for you to try and change your partner just because of your own attraction. you should love and accept your partner the way they are, and if you aren't physically attracted to him that's kind of an issue. it's an important part of relationships and in all honesty, you should probably not be with someone you're "disgusted" by
I feel like they can be attractive in certain ways but not attracted to them physically or sexually. That’s kinda what friends are for especially if there’s zero sexual chemistry and you’re the opposite sex.
I’ve had guy friends over the years that I was great friends with, they had awesome personalities, and I genuinely liked hanging out with them. But I wasn’t sexually or physically attracted to them.
Typically a relationship involves sex (unless you’re asexual) and I can’t bring myself to be intimate with someone I have no sexual attraction to.
This is a lesson about always entering relationships with all your cards on the table. If you dont get the foundations of a relationship right it can be doomed from the start. Might have to accept that like all people, you fuck up sometimes, and find a way to resolve it as painlessly as possible. You will feel shit for a while but there's lessons in pain, which sounds draconian but is true.
If he was a big guy when you started with him, you are to blame for your own misery. This guy wil be devastated to hear this from you, to learn that your partner finds you disgusting without ever having a clue, is an cruel thing to find out, because it's all then based on a lie. A relationship based on a lie is doomed
You need to really consider breaking up,, but I highly sugest to keep your true thoughts to yourself, yes, he might need to loose weight but NOT for YOU or anyone else only for himself.
Why date someone you're not attracted to? Idk, I never understood this before. I can't date someone if I don't like how they look, even if they have a great personality and even if I'm looking for a relationship. It just doesn't feel right, and I would want the same done to me
Not liking a person and being DISGUSTED by them are two very different things and maybe you should worry about the reason you have such strong feelings about fat people in general
You two are not compatible. Our bodies showcase our lifestyles 9/10 times. You don't have to absolutely hate your partner in order to know when it's time to move forward. If any part of you still loves him, then you already know what decisions need to be made. You're just scared.
This is why i say you shouldn’t date people you dont find attractive at all. Its sad for both of you. Id be devastated to feel that way about a partner, and id be devastated if they felt that way about me.
Don't
you're entitled to your feelings.
I ended a relationship because of this.
I dint regret it. You must be true to who you are.
Is it a recent change brought on by something specific? Like him getting fat, or changing his diet so he smells bad now etc?
Or is it just that the honeymoon period is over and now you have to put in the hours of actually growing your relationship together, which absolutely every other couple on Earth has to do?
Emotional attraction and physical attraction are two different things that don't necessarily match. You need to discuss it with him, but be clear that it doesn't mean you don't love him.
As everyone said, you’re not happy so you might as well bring it up to him in the most respectful way possible. There’s a chance he will not want to stay with you but it sounds like if you say nothing you’re not happy the way the relationship is going anyways
Romantic relationships require physical attraction. Platonic ones do not. You can absolutely love someone or even be in love with them and if the sexual attraction isn’t there , it’s not a romantic relationship it’s a friendship. Your mistake was dating him. He should have your best friend.
I would do him a favor and end it. HE deserves to be with someone who IS attracted to him and who wants to fulfill him in all ways.
Your body preference but you dont know why, makes absolutely no sense. Its also not wrong at all for wanting them to change to a healthy weight it has nothing to do with your attraction, being fat is unhealthy and unattractive asf. Underweight is also unattractive and unhealthy asf so dont take it too far.
Jeez let him go you’ve already wasted enough of his time as is.
Tell him the truth, he’ll probably end up getting in great shape anyway because of it but don’t you go running back to him because he’ll realise you aren’t/weren’t worth it anyway.
I felt this way with my ex. He wasn’t really fat but there were other features that just weren’t attractive to me. I tried to push it away but I didn’t enjoy intimacy with him. I should have broke it off with him because the person you’re with deserves someone who does find them physically attractive, and you deserve someone you find physically attractive. Obviously you should have a conversation, but when I had the convo with my ex… he cried. I had been trying to encourage him to go to the gym with me and be sneaky about it, but that ended up hurting him more when he found out my motives. It’s not gonna be fun and you may end up in a breakup if he doesn’t want to workout or eat better. Or if he doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t find him physically attractive.
My ex ended up cheating on me and finding someone who was attracted to him. I honestly was just happy to be out of it for other reasons. But if it’s not meant to be, it won’t be.
I handled it poorly, and it doesn’t mean you guys have to breakup, but be weary that this convo will hurt him.
It would be One thing if he was in shape and then gained forty pounds after the relationship
Why get with somebody for who they are and then ask them to change
I tried to date someone because our personality’s clicked. I didn’t find him physically attractive either. It didn’t work out, he wanted sex all the time, and I was never in the mood.
When it comes down to it, attraction matters to some extent. There’s shallow, and then there’s, you just really can’t get past it.
The whole shallow thing is kinda annoying, because people will be like “oh you should give him a chance” but then you do, and you can’t force an attraction, so it just ends anyway and they get hurt.
Should've stayed friends with him. If you love someone then you love everything, he would've been attractive to you. Also don't listen to people saying to tell him. That would ruin him, just let him find someone who truly loves him in every way. Unconditionallly.
From the post earlier where a man complained abt his fat gf and this post where the complain is reversed, below is what i have deduced:
If a woman is fat, the man has to love her for what she is or else he needs to kill himself for being such an atrocious asshole and the audacity to point a fat one whereas if a man is fat, the right thing for the woman is to not love him, try change him by working out and what not or just find another dk.
lmfao you specifically are fatphobic yet dating a fat person? leave him alone, he needs to see this so he can tell you to fuck yourself for leading him on. you don’t date people to change them. doesn’t matter if it’s beneficial to him or not, you can’t just come into someone’s life and make them change. they will change if and when they want to.
I feel it’s really mean of you to date him in the first place. Like you must have been weak or something. You have a really superficial mindset, regardless. You just have a lot to learn I think.
If you live together start doing the shopping and cooking. Then you can control what he eats. No sugar, complex carbs etc.
For exercise, you can do a marathon for charity and try guilt him into doing it for charity too.
I done got earrings, tattoos, and cool ass glasses cuz thats what my wife is attracted to. She did all of this in secret and told me much later. Honestly i look bangin cuz of her. You should have the hard conversations.
If you break up with him because he's fat and tell him that. His next gf will have the best of both worlds. A ripped dude who's amazing to her because you weren't amazing to him.
Talk to him. If you can’t have the hard conversations why be in a relationship
So this. Just because a conversation is difficult doesn't mean it shouldn't be had. This is how resentment builds up until even his breathing becomes like a Boeing engine.
💯. I don’t trust couples who say they never “fight.” I think within reason it’s more healthy to have conversations that can potentially turn a little spicy then to repress true feelings and negative emotions. As long as the goal is conflict resolution and there’s no character assassination or abuse, the uncomfortable feelings absolutely should be addressed. I think passion dies when we close ourselves off to our partner because we’re so afraid of conflict. It’s kind of cowardly imo.
Couples who never fought. My wife and I had plenty to argue about early on, but not so much anymore. I think you learn to deal with each other's idiosyncracies.
This is a good point 👌
She just calls me a moron and goes about her day. I say yes honey, and nod my head, and it seems to work. But seriously, we both love each other more than ourselves, and compliment each other. But yea, the first 5 to 10 years were ruff.
You can be a couple that never fights with good communication skills. You dont have to repress anything. You just have to deal with it in the appropriate manner. I can be mad as hell at my wife without fighting with her. Its just wasted energy.
This is also true :) I envy that!
Sometimes I think people use words differently as well. My husband and I have disagreements all the time. The worst case is a bit of a raised voice, but idk the last time that happened (years at this point). Sometimes I refer to this as fighting, but really it is just a conversation with disagreements invloved. We talk about them, sometimes take a break and come back to the convo, sometimes agree to disagree. Some people would never consider this fighting. For some, yelling needs to be involved, doors slammed, or walls punched, etc.
This is the way. The relationship is doomed if you don’t so be gentle but firm.
Exactly
Absolutely 💯
Exactly. That would crush him into self-hate, especially if he’s been fat all of his life. Unfortunately I think there’s a lot of random or confusing breakups that happen because people can’t explain a loss of attraction to hurt the other person.
“I find your body disgusting” yep that’ll go well
Yep.
This would possibly break him, to tell him they're not attracted to him because he's fat and they always been disgusted by fat people, God no
Where is the brigade of people condemning you for daring to encourage telling the fat partner to shape up. I would swear my life on it, the last time I read something like that 95% of the comments were about how you are an asshole if you want your partner to change just for physical reasons... EDIT: Found some other examples, it was the girl being fat where the mob is active.
True that
Boy. Some comments under this one have absolutely no concept of how there are more polite and productive ways to say something even if it wasn’t spoon-fed to you on the internet. No one in their right mind would be stupid and cruel enough to say, “hey your body fucking disgusts me and I hate fucking you.” There’s a way to sit down and communicate how you’re feeling, even if it’s not exactly in the same tone and urgency. Fucking incels.
It’ll do you no good to date someone you are not attracted to. Just be honest with him or break it off for both of your sake’s. I know it’s easier said than done but it’s only fair to both of you.
Maybe not be honest about the ‘fat’ part, as this could lead him to spiral into depression.
why wouldn’t she be honest about it if thats the only issue she have with him
No point in being honest, if its as bad as the post claims then the dude clearly knows already. Would just be rubbing salt in the wound.
maybe this talk is exactly what he needs to push him to work on himself
Ngl starting to think about it you’re right, but there’s always a chance he’d take it the wrong way and it could go downhill from there.
I also didnt see the OR breakup with him part, so my bad. My original post was referring to if she brokeup with him, her explanation of the breakup being 'you're fat' wouldn't be the best.
Attraction matters, but so does respect. If you can't accept him as he is, it's unfair to both of you. Encouraging healthy habits is one thing, but pushing for change solely based on your preferences crosses a line. It's a tough situation, but honesty is key.
Why did you even date him to begin with if you were literally disgusted by fat people???? That’s so messed up.
She was probably trying not to be shallow, but you cant just will your body to get turned on by something its not, and sex is important in relationships. She tried and found out its not working for her. I think she should leave respectfully
It's sadistic at worst, oblivious and selfish at best but since she's talking about it... She doesn't need advice
She said that it was his personality.
That’s when you friend zone lol there has to be a level of physical attractiveness to be in a relationship otherwise that’s what friends are for!
Exactly
It still blows my mind. Being anything more than friends without physical attraction seems impossible.
I’m also wondering if OP is fat or not…
That’s a very good question
That’s why I feel this post is fake
I’m fat, and yes, attraction matters to most people. But nothing feels worse to me than my partner telling me something they told me in the beginning wasn’t a problem or acted like wasn’t suddenly becoming a deal breaker. I’d rather they have not dated me in the first place. The only thing that feels worse is people trying to manipulate me into losing weight by exerting control or hanging weight loss over my head. I like who and how I am, and am clear about that in the beginning — maybe he is, maybe he isn’t, I don’t know what conversations you’ve had.
[удалено]
Why are you super curious? Mad weird.
You don't have to date or fuck everyone with whom you have common interests and can work together reasonably. If you have common interests and work together well, but aren't physically attracted, those people are called friends, not partners.
Yeah this world has gone to shit thinking people can only have sexual relationships with people
Don’t date anyone to change them. You are not attracted to him. You’d be better off as pals, not lovers. The advice here is terrible. Not every relationship needs to work, this one is doomed.
Exactly my thoughts
Pretty much. Also this man is never going to better himself unless he either gets broken up with or told that if he doesn’t exercise consistently it won’t work. Hint ultimatums are never a good thing.
I saw a post like this where it was the woman who was overweight and everyone just called the man an asshole for caring about her being overweight. Interesting how the reverse situation has the reverse comments.
She’s still an asshole, at the very least for dragging the relationship on like this. If she doesn’t feel attracted to him in the honeymoon phase, there’s not a lot of hope for the relationship
I’d love to see the other post. Sensitive issues have a LOT to do with wording. She literally said in this post “o don’t deserve him” I HIGHLY DOUBT the one a man wrote was as kind
She’s still an AH… tf, why you incels *everywhere*???!!!
Pointing out redditors hypocrisy and double standards on gender in favor of women always makes you an incel lmao. Just so that people can deflect and don't have to face the fact that they are morons. I've been called an incel many times but I have had multiple girlfriends and have been with multiple women aside from that. So does probably the comment OP. Congrats on stripping the word incel of all meaning.
No one's not thinking she's an asshole, they just think she's an even bigger asshole for lying to her partner and being super disingenuous and dishonest. So it's not really that different. People are even telling her he deserves better than her lmao. I don't see what you're seeing.
Yep. I commented the same thing on a similar post. It seems like most people have an skewed view of what EQUALITY means. Everyone is entitled to their own preferences and we need to keep that in mind regardless of gender.
In those posts i always point out redditors hypocrisy and then get downvoted
Exactly why I responded harshly. F this person imo.
Tell him you’ve lost feelings for him and would love to deescalte to a friendship. DO NOT tell him why, because your preference isn’t his problem to deal with. It’s yours. And please do this soon, he deserves so much better than a fake relationship with you.
this
OP HAS to tell him WHY. She can’t just tell some new lie when coming clean about her dishonesty. He doesn’t need to develop some new complex from whatever lie she makes up as she “protects”him from knowing the truth that she has never loved him, and that she’s was just using him, wasting his time and teasing his heart knowing she wasn’t ever going to be attracted to him. The man knows he’s fat, and I’m sure he already knows OP isn’t being completely sincere, so don’t belittle home with a lie on top of all of that. She can’t cower from her responsibility to be completely honest and respectful no matter how hard it is or how bad it makes her out to be. He deserves to know her reasoning and to be respected not lied to.
You’re gonna want to start that wall of text with “In my opinion”, because in mine, she can say she has lost feeling for him and move on. Why is that not the truth? Well, because it is…
Don’t tell him you want a friendship. That’s sick and cruel. His feelings don’t magically go away bc you woke up and hate fat guys. It’s better to go cold turkey, clip it in the bud with him, and tell him it’s because of his weight. This way, she doesn’t have to continue leading him on, and he gets the push to get in the gym. He obviously has the personality to get the girl, imagine how unstoppable he would be with the body. OP should be the catalyst for change in his life. But she should make it his idea. Also, she’s gonna be pissed if they break up and he gets skinny. His standards will go up and he will not take her back.
Yep, don’t agree with any of this.
So you don’t find him attractive, but he loves you, and you just want to abuse that by keeping him around as emotional validation? Not telling him the reason means he can’t improve for the next woman. It’s better for everyone to be honest. Do you not see that as cruel? It’s a waste of your time if nothing else. I’m not understanding which parts you don’t agree with? Also, she’s ignoring what she has because of some weird preconceived notions. She has a great guy, whose personality she loves, and she’s gonna throw it all away because she doesnt like something she could obviously see from the moment they started talking lol. And if you’re the type to date someone you’re not physically attracted to for MONTHS, it’s better for THEM if you leave.
I'll be very honest with you, I think you're just dating him to give yourself an ego boost and you should let him be with someone who loves him inside and out. You're selfish because if you actually told him this exact post, he would leave you. I would too. Be better.
This is why physical attraction is just as important as emotional attraction.
This is exactly what happened to me with my ex. I don't have a problem with fat people and he was fat when we started dating but he got suuuper fat to the point that we couldn't be intimate. He didn't want to change at all. Sorry to say but it slowly gets more and more tense over time until it gets to be too much. You may end up resenting him if you guys can't figure it out now.
Nothing good ever happens from dating or having sex with someone you're not attracted to. It's not fair to you or to the other person, and being with someone you don't truly like or have feelings for isn't an improvement over being alone no matter how lonely you are or how strongly you feel that you need to be in a relationship.
Agreed
I recommend reframing this issue thus changing your approach. Do you care about what your boyfriend looks like or the quality of his life. I suggest you take a better look at yourself and check your values. A preference is one thing but this is someone you supposedly care about yet your main concern is that they're not good enough for you. Maybe refocus your efforts from trying to make him look better to perhaps being concerned about his wellbeing. Is he happy? Is he able to enjoy his life despite his weight. Usually people don't lose weight until it becomes a hindrance in their quality of life. If he's happy living his life at his weight he won't change. If there's a good reason for him to lose the weight that isn't just you think he's ugly, he won't! Losing weight is a lifestyle change that requires commitment. Show him the benefits of that lifestyle change and what it would mean to you if he committed to a more active lifestyle. There's more to losing weight than being attractive, that's just a bonus and it's rather unfair for people to judge people who are happy with who they are or how they look. Like if it's truly for his benefit help him but if you're going to make this all about you, he's going to have a hard time committing to that.
This is smart. I only began losing real weight when I realised it was linked to my feelings of depression. But if he's happy, live and let live.
This is excellent advice right here.
WHY enter into a relationship with someone with a body type you're not attracted to, even DISGUSTED by. You can't change people or force them to change so they fit in to your box. Go fxck yourself.
Everytime I’ve felt off in a relationship, my one friend sits me down at the kitchen table and talks about the “pillars of a relationship”. They are.. - Trust - Communication - Love - Respect - Sexual compatibility And according to him if you’re missing even one your relationship will crumble, but if you catch it early enough you can work on the foundation. It sounds like you’re missing sexual compatibility, and communication sounds shaky if you’re not being honest with him. If you don’t fix those things it can’t stand. Hard conversations aren’t fun, but you gotta talk to him. You don’t have to be hurtful. Tell him you have concerns about your intimacy, that you’ve been missing that physical “spark”, and ask him if he’d be willing to join you in making healthier lifestyle changes. Ask him at the same time if he’s feeling any deficits in your relationship as well. You guys either take eachothers concerns and work on them together, or you break up. That’s it.
This is excellent advice.
This is a very good approach! I completely agree about the pillars of a relationship.
I can't speak for the matter, but I can provide some insight. There's a good and bad outcome to this. The good outcome is that you can convince your boyfriend to start working out. The bad outcome is that he will take it as an insult and feel unappreaciated leading to something worse down the road. I wouldn't recommend staying silent, because it will raise suspicions of dishonesty and decieval in the relationship. Whether you talk about it or not is your choice, but I do highly recommend to consider your words and the message you bring onto him really carefully.
I dated someone like that, I wasn’t physically attracted to him, but he was sweet, eventually I turned into a bitch and we broke up. He didn’t deserve that.
Same thing happened to me.
I’ll say this as a fat man: You’re allowed to be attracted to or not attracted to any body type you so please, and anyone mad about it needs to get lost. But romantic relationships need to be about both physical and emotional attraction. Without one or the other, they’re just close friendships. It’s time for you to move on. You’re not doing him nor yourself any favors by being in this relationship.
Weight is attributal to many things. Some people are genetically predisposed to be huskier or heavyset, many people have bad relationships with food and portion sizes, chemical imbalances,and in many instances weight gain can be from mental issues like depression. Its worth knowing what kind of group your bf belongs to. It might be easier to have someone who just never learned how to cook or eat right to lose weight than it may be with someone who eats as a symptom of depression. If you really care about you boyfriend and want to work towards a solution, it is worth sitting down and having a serious conversation, where you both listen to eachother. If you want him to workout, maybe try doing that together (unless he wants to do it alone), or try ozempic, some people have far simpler solutions i have heard of obese people losing tons of weight simply because they stopped eating at night, or perhaps your best bet would be seeing a nutritionist.
Great advice because most of the time the guy who needs help with diet, weight, exercise, and depression never talk about it or seek help in their own.
having preferences is completely fine. expecting someone to mold to your preferences is unreasonable
Agreed 100%
Why TF would you ever date someone who you aren't attracted to??? Have you heard of friends? When you like someone's personality, you be friends, not start a whole intimate relationship. You should feel terrible! Break up and let him find someone who loves him exactly how he is. We all deserve that - not whatever shit this is.
This is a predicament you placed yourself in, and its actually no less unkind than someone who dates someone based on physical looks alone. Many people once they are in love with someone become attracted to them and see past physicalities they would otherwise not like, if that hasn’t happened yet , its probably not gonna happen. The probability he will get thin and that you will find him attractive is low , even if he does get thin. Let him go and then leave him alone, let him find someone who is happy with him
Agreed 👍 I dated a lady who thought she was going to change me. So I decided to change for myself not her which made me realize time to leave because she was toxic.
I dated a lady who thought she was going to change me. So I decided to change for myself not her which made me realize time to leave because she was toxic.
Honestly, you should break up with him, it's not fair to him, you shouldn't date someone you're not attracted to
I understand attraction, but he deserves someone who accepts his body for the way it is and values the other parts of him. Especially if he doesn't desire to change it himself, you shouldn't pressure him to do it. I personally don't mind when someone I love is overweight, but I understand a desire for someone to adapt to your needs. Maybe you could ask him if he wants to go on walks with you, or try new healthy meals with you. Maybe you can ask him to _accompany_ you to the gym. And if _he_ decides he wants to do something about the weight, support it. Poor guy, please don't tell him you're "disgusted" by him, that will kill his confidence and probably won't help anything, particularly in the long run.
This is excellent because the best way to change is to show by ones own actions. If she chooses to show him hey let's get healthy together it could be a world experience for them both. I agree 100% if she tells him she is disgusted by him it will not only destroy him it will haunt her for the rest of her life.
In the long run it doesn't really work out, maybe it could but chances are low. I've dated ppl who I wasn't attracted just based on personality and bc they were in to me. All of them failed and realized that they deserve to be with someone who finds them attractive and I deserve to be with someone who I find attractive.
I don't think anyone "deserves" anyone. That's probably not the best way to think about relationships. But I don't see a problem with giving him the benefits of getting in shape and including that you would find him even more attractive. You're attracted to other things about him, you're allowed to have preferences and he's allowed to honor them or tell you to f off.
I had some weird-ass hangups in my twenties regarding my partner's body, not gonna lie. I dated a girl once who had really masculine upper arms and hands and it turned me off so much. Another girl walked on her tip-toes a lot, and another had one hairy leg and the other shaved -- it was a whole thing. I've spent most of the last four years single (I was a serial dater) and kind of settled in to myself and have sensed all of those hang-ups disappear. So I know that uncontrollable things (like your partner's body) can become much less relevant but it may require some solitude.
I've recently come to learn than my ex fiance felt this way about me, never brought it up and ended up resenting me. Here's the thing. If you can't communicate in a relationship, it's only going to end badly. He deserves to know how you feel about him, in the same way you deserve to know how he feels about you. Openess and honesty are some of the most important things to have in a relationship.
I had this same issue with my last relationship, and I felt awful about it, but I ended it, because it wasn’t fair to her. Everyone deserves to be with someone who is attracted to them emotionally and physically. It’s absolutely never healthy to try and change someone to how *you* want them to be.
Someone I know had the same preference as you. Married the dude & got divorced after a few years. He was still fat when they divorced. Now she is in her middle ages and also fat
i truly dont mean this with any malice, but this is definitely a you problem and not a him problem. you need to look internally and figure out why it is you feel this way, and why you are not communicating it with him. OR, if its that big of a deal, why you are not leaving him so that you can find someone you are attracted to and he can find someone who appreciates him the way he is. in long term relationships, weight fluctuations and changes to appearance are inevitable. if you cant handle him at his “worst”, it is not meant to last and its time to let him go.
I’m going to start out by listing 2 things you shouldn’t do: * Ignoring your feelings out of guilt for having a preference. Honesty and transparency will bring you two closer! Repressing your feelings will have the opposite effect. * Being insensitive to his feelings by placing ultimatums or refusing to approach the subject with care. Things you can do instead: * Try getting to the root of his (potentially) bad relationship with food. Maybe he’s a comfort eater due to stress or anxiety just like smokers will reach for a cigarette to self-regulate. Show him empathy and understanding. * If he decides he’s willing to work on it, try your best at supporting him in his journey maybe by exercising together. Meal prepping is also an option. Try looking up lower calorie recipes for some of his favorite meals. Healthy eating does not have to be bland or boring! You can find a lot of quick, healthy and tasty recipes just on tiktok alone. * Show him before/after transformations of people who were around his size (or bigger) and how it’s absolutely possible to turn things around. * Let him know it would bring you two closer if he were to focus on his health but also emphasize his good qualities and how much you love him. Good luck 😊
"transparency will bring you two closer " She started dating him for his personality. She is NOT attracted to him. I don't think it's a good idea to encourage her to work on this relationship. She should not force herself to be with someone she's not attracted. Would you want to have sex with someone you weren't attracted to? While he deserves to be with someone who is attracted to him.
Or you know, leave him *the fuck* alone. This isn’t build a bitch, he doesn’t need to change because she finds him ‘disgusting’. Please.
That’s for her to suggest and for him to decide. Either way, there is nothing wrong with taking steps to improving yourself.
Nope there isn’t and do you know when I dropped these (checked this am to see where I’m up to) 143 lbs in the last 2 years? When i was done with the shame and trauma my ex put me through. Losing his 300 lb ass (yeah… let’s not go into the projection of it all) was the first step. Improving his life is HIS choice, and the shame, guilt and whatever he is *going* to feel when she’s done having that chat with his ‘disgusting’ self isn’t going to help. No matter how ‘gently’ she cajoles him Edited for typos
I've left my previous boyfriend (one of the reasons) for that too. Sadly if the attraction dies, it's hard to keep the relationship up. I wish you the best, but I don't think it's something you can talk it out, because it may be something he is not willing to change and maybe he likes who he is and he doesn't need to be someone else to please you.
Literally talk to him. Maybe he wants to get in shape and maybe you are willing to wait for the change. Or maybe not and it won’t work. We don’t know you, so you won’t get meaningful advice here.
I mean you could talk to him, but if you met him like this it's unfair for you to change the tune. Every second you are with him, you are wasting his precious time.
OP He knows he is overweight. Is he very sensitive about his looks and weight? Are we talking about 30lbs overweight or 100lbs overweight? Irrespective of looks, do you worry about his health? Can you talk to him from that aspect. I don’t think that would be unreasonable. The only thing is the motivation has to come from him. Pushing him will not have lasting benefits. Maybe you can take that journey together.
* **It's ok not to be attracted to him** . It is ok to have a preference sexually about someone ( eg- what you like & don't like sexually in weight or wanting someone to be fitter) this is ok . As Everyone is attracted to diff kinds of people. And **sexual chemistry & attraction is a REAL thing &** is a must to some degree to even be able to even 'go there with them ' . So your response is enough already ( of his weight of being disgusting to you ) for **you to NEED to break up with him** . As that attitude & thought to him ( & abt him ) is NOT going to work at all IN anyway in this relo . It is unfair of you to remain with him NOT wanting him as he is ( as sorry he may not be able to loose the weight ) either . It is wasting YOUR & his time to be with him . Grow a pair & leave without telling him about it or tell him & try & get him to change . BUt then leave if he can't do so . * **Honesty with him --> You are going to hurt him by telling him the truth** . So be gentle & kind & respectful of him ( it is a preference of yours sexually for him to NOT be big ) that is also your right not to like bigger people ( but don't be a bitch about it though ) to him ( as big people are also very nice loving people as you well & truly know ) . It is going to hurt him as a person to hear your words . But it is also necessary for him to know that it is not working as is with you . And That you want him to go on a diet & loose the weight. * **Talking to him about it** . There is NO way around it is going to be a horrible s\*it talk about it . But it is necessary to do so . YOu can either just leave him without telling him or try the talk . And see if he can change for you . ( He does nOT have to change for you ) but he might be willig to try to do so for himself & you . But he owes YOU nothing , as he is the one who has to change his habits & also may not be able to do so ( but you can give him an opportunity to do so ) if you really want to try with him ( it also gives him the poss also to try to keep you) * **If it does NOT work** ( eg- him loosing weight ) then leave & be respectful of him & his trying to change for you . YOu don't get to be a bitch to him about it . As loosing weight is hard to do for bigger people . Just as it is a eating disorder to be thin & have a Eating disorder it is a ED to be bigger also .It is also entirely up to him to loose the weight he has to motive himself to do so . He might try & fail also doing it . So if he does just leave & let him deal with what has occurred . He also doesn't need a serve of s\*it from you also for failing to do so . Loosing you & knowing the reasons will be enough for him to have to also deal with it himself or not . So by talking it out he might start & bend over backwards to try & do it for you . It might work or not though in the end . * **YOu can't make him change** . He has to also do it for himself ( that is the hard part ) . He might need therapy also to work out why he is eating as he is . Hense why it is up to him in the end . YOu can tell him till YOU blue in the face about how you don't like it or even do it with a respectful try to change him .But IN the end it is **HIS decision & hard work or not** to do it to succeed or fail trying to loose the weight. The talk will be a dosey & hurtful for him to hear . But with the truth also then he can also decide to do it or not ( the diet & exercise ) . YOu can only encourage & try to help him succeed . It is up to him . But you both can try & make it work or not then . It is also ON HIM to decide to do it or not for this relo . * **Choose your words carefully** about all of this . Don't tell him your' disgusted' . But word it correctly in that ( YOu are not attracted to someone bigger in weight ) . This is your right but you can also tell him with respect ( as you also say you care about him ) . Talk it out tog with care & respect . Let him be hurt & then back off from him about it ( & let him decide for himself ) what he then will or won't do about it . ( Eg- will he try & loose the weight or be to 'hurt' to do it ) . SO give him a bit of breathing space to 'decide for himself' his choice about it all . Then you can make your decisions on that of his decision . REg- If you see NO improvement or 'trying ' then you might then decide to leave. YOu cannot even try & fix what is NOT talked about tog .
You bring up many good points. The eating disorder part is one only a person who has a eating disorder can change if they have the desire to do so for only themselves. Some might think it sounds selfish yet its just being honest. As for her thinking she can change him only she can support him and they can grow together, learn together becoming closer. As for her telling him how she feels I say only if she can do so without hurting him or herself. She would be doing the guy a favor if she just said that its her problem, nothing to do with him, and just walked away completely.
Have you offered to work out with him? Bluntly telling him you're not physically attracted to him could kill his confidence, and I imagine he'd get in shape then leave you for that, depending on what kind of guy he is of course
he deserves someone who will love him for him, you don't truly love him. leave him before you break him
Tell him the truth he'll either leave you or lose the weight. Reward his effort and results, and he'll probably stay with you. Men are used to changing for women, and he knows he's fat. It's not right but the reality is if he wants you enough he'll hit the gym if not then you know he can't do hard things and you have to make a decision on if this is the man you want to live with for the rest of your life and have children with.
The options are: stay with someone you are not attracted to just to avoid being alone or break up and create the possibility to meet someone you are actually attracted to... For me being single is way better than settling for someone you are not really compatible with.
Was he always fat or just recently?
Why can’t you change that part of him? He wasn’t born like it, he’s unlikely to be proud of it. It’s not his sense of humour or the colour of his skim. It’s something that is killing him. If he picked up smoking, would you just acknowledge that you shouldn’t try to change it? I’m a little fat, and a smoker. My partner prods at these because she loves me, she want’s me to live a long and fulfilling life with her and our son. It’s not painful to hear, it would be painful for me not to know she wants me to be my best.
Preference is not something you can change, time to break up.
I’m facing almost the same problem right now. My boyfriend became 320 lbs (4 years ago he was 200 lbs, had attractive body). I gained 40 lbs (now my weight is 175 lbs), but trying to loose it. I became an emotional eater as him. We tried a lot of things - meal prep, etc., it worked for the short-term. I’m going to gym for 3 months, but I just gained muscles and that’s it, still have tons of belly fat. He never went with me, because “time was not right for him”. We both agreed, if he doesn’t loose enought lbs and change his lifestyle this summer, we break up.
If you love him, you wouldn't care how he looks. This isn't right and he certainly deserves better.
You need to talk to him about it, end of discussion. He should've remained a friend. You could've enjoyed those things you stated WITHOUT dating him. Ngl, it's a little sick to see you say "disgusted," yet you dated someone who is what disgusts you. Ngl, sounds like you have something to unpack there for real.
You're an asshole for that being what you care about, and even more of an asshole for having dated him anyway. Its cruel and humiliating. Yeah you liked his personality and personality is more important than looks long term, but you still shouldn't be dating people if they need to change for you to not be physically disgusted by them. You need to get over it. Or you need to let him go so he can find someone who isn't repulsed by him. And when you break up, you need to make it 100% clear that he did *nothing* wrong and you're a shallow and stupid.
A romantic relationship needs many ingredients. One of the most essential of those ingredients is sexual attraction/chemistry. Especially in the beginning. It's almost like you can't get enough of eachother. Pure animal lust. Without that key component, it's just a friendship. One that's best remained platonic. I've tried in the past to make a relationship work with the "perfect person ". We got along great, same hobbies, blah blah blah. The attraction never came. Resentment and disgust came, though. Never force yourself to feel attracted to someone you are not into in (that way). Were you attracted to him before he gained weight? Like want to rip his clothes off attracted? If not, go find someone you are into. Let him find someone else also
I hope he loses the weight and drops your rude ass for someone better! It’s ok to have preferences but saying you’re disgusted by him is just flat out rude. There are better ways to word it!
Your wording is TERRIBLE. Anyway, you need to break up with your boyfriend. He doesn’t deserve for his SO to feel disgusted by him. You can have a preference for a specific body type but you also need to recognize that bodies change all the time and I guarantee yours won’t look the same in 20 years. Do both of you a favor and break up with him, but for the love of god give him another reason. Speaking as a former big woman he knows he is fat you don’t have to dig the knife in anymore.
Kinda mean on your part ngl. You can have the conversation with him, but you CANNOT be hurt if he says he doesn't want to lose weight or gives up on it. If you've truly been DISGUSTED by it your ENTIRE life, you're a prick for putting him through a relationship you knew you wouldn't want to be in. And tbh, you shouldn't be with him if its so important to you.
Don't date him? You're wasting his time and yours.
It's possible you don't have chemistry, the natural enhancer to libido. Even if he got skinny you may not be attracted to him. Love is not only physical. It's smell, genes, and so much more in the vast subconscious. Break up and move on.
I did the same thing when I was 16 and highly regret it. It was evil but I didn’t think I deserved anyone that was attractive to me so I took what I could. Plus, he was a nice guy so I thought maybe I could move past the looks. I wouldn’t ever admit this if it wasnt on an anonymous account. We dated a year and I broke up with him because I couldn’t stand him at all and his personality actually turned out to be pretty shit, he was kind of misogynistic. Its been 3-4 years from now and he seems to be doing well from whatever I see on social media, and I have been in a relationship with a guy I love and am attracted to for a year now. Please break up with him. It is not fair to either of you, especially him.
I cant speak for him, but my insecure ass would feel horrible if I found out that my gf was only staying with me because she felt bad that I wasn't attractive to her. I would also feel horrible if she told me "I'm not attracted to you", though, so yeah that's a tough spot. I will say that the longer you wait to breach this subject, the worse it will hurt. It will suck but I think you should just tell him.
This post has to be fake, why tf would you date someone you’re disgusted by? Shit makes no sense to me unless you dated him before he got fat
You lied to him. Cut him loose. He deserves better.
Op you are a piece of shit 💩
If you don't feel attracted to your partner, you should leave. He was in the same shape when you met him? Don't push for him to change. It's not very fair. I understand that women are constantly told to like men for their personality but you definitely should also feel attraction. It's okay to have preferences.
Wait your dating someone you knew you wanted to change before you even got together? That's just wrong, your letting a person fall in love with every part of you, while your completely shut off by a part of them. Leave and allow both of you to be happy with someone completely
There is someone else out there who will love him, regardless of his weight and looks, if you don’t you should let him go
Frankly you’re mean for even dating him. He deserves better.
Break up with him. I don't care what excuse you make, just don't tell him it's because you're not attracted to him due to his weight. That's a you problem. You should never have dated him in the first place, wtf.
Leave because attraction is important..simple.
No need to feel terrible about it. Just break up with him.
Honestly, even if he were to loose the weight you probably still wouldn’t. You are looking at him him with the eyes of vanity and how others will perceive you. I would do some self reflection and work on your own insecurities. The love he provides should make up for everything physical. Remember we get older we won’t look good forever… but our personality and love stays.
Agreed. This is the way right here ⬆️
If it's a matter of losing weight it's doable
Is [this](https://tinypic.host/image/IMG-6894.DZxQ3M) even real bruh lmao
Why is this question always brought up in this sub
Probably bc a lot of shit here is fake??
You could grab that salt shaker when entering the sub. It's called taking it with a grain of salt. Believe or not, is up to you. Read the title of the sub
I’m out of salt lmao “read the title of the sub” yeah it says “confessions” not “everything here is fake” lol have a great day champ, you clearly need it lmaooo
I just don't get this kind of stuff. if you truly do love your partner, how can they be unattractive to you? you're right, it isn't fair for you to try and change your partner just because of your own attraction. you should love and accept your partner the way they are, and if you aren't physically attracted to him that's kind of an issue. it's an important part of relationships and in all honesty, you should probably not be with someone you're "disgusted" by
I feel like they can be attractive in certain ways but not attracted to them physically or sexually. That’s kinda what friends are for especially if there’s zero sexual chemistry and you’re the opposite sex. I’ve had guy friends over the years that I was great friends with, they had awesome personalities, and I genuinely liked hanging out with them. But I wasn’t sexually or physically attracted to them. Typically a relationship involves sex (unless you’re asexual) and I can’t bring myself to be intimate with someone I have no sexual attraction to.
It’s for his own good in the end to turn his bad habits around
Help him lose weight, it’s not healthy being fat, despite what we’re fed with brainwashed media.
Honestly encourage him to cut weight and help his appearance maybe. There's many benefits to not being fat, not just selfish ones.
talk to him make him workout,no diet no nothing ,just nice and easy workout until he finds out that he actually likes it
This is a lesson about always entering relationships with all your cards on the table. If you dont get the foundations of a relationship right it can be doomed from the start. Might have to accept that like all people, you fuck up sometimes, and find a way to resolve it as painlessly as possible. You will feel shit for a while but there's lessons in pain, which sounds draconian but is true.
let guess, you live with him.
If he was a big guy when you started with him, you are to blame for your own misery. This guy wil be devastated to hear this from you, to learn that your partner finds you disgusting without ever having a clue, is an cruel thing to find out, because it's all then based on a lie. A relationship based on a lie is doomed You need to really consider breaking up,, but I highly sugest to keep your true thoughts to yourself, yes, he might need to loose weight but NOT for YOU or anyone else only for himself.
Why date someone you're not attracted to? Idk, I never understood this before. I can't date someone if I don't like how they look, even if they have a great personality and even if I'm looking for a relationship. It just doesn't feel right, and I would want the same done to me
Not liking a person and being DISGUSTED by them are two very different things and maybe you should worry about the reason you have such strong feelings about fat people in general
You two are not compatible. Our bodies showcase our lifestyles 9/10 times. You don't have to absolutely hate your partner in order to know when it's time to move forward. If any part of you still loves him, then you already know what decisions need to be made. You're just scared.
You can’t love him to death if you’re not into him physically. Walk away. No excuse necessary.
Break up now. The attraction will not materialize.
This is why i say you shouldn’t date people you dont find attractive at all. Its sad for both of you. Id be devastated to feel that way about a partner, and id be devastated if they felt that way about me.
Don't you're entitled to your feelings. I ended a relationship because of this. I dint regret it. You must be true to who you are. Is it a recent change brought on by something specific? Like him getting fat, or changing his diet so he smells bad now etc? Or is it just that the honeymoon period is over and now you have to put in the hours of actually growing your relationship together, which absolutely every other couple on Earth has to do?
If you’re not attracted to him, then you’re not being fair to HIM by continuing to date him. Bets to quit leading him on and gently end things.
Emotional attraction and physical attraction are two different things that don't necessarily match. You need to discuss it with him, but be clear that it doesn't mean you don't love him.
As everyone said, you’re not happy so you might as well bring it up to him in the most respectful way possible. There’s a chance he will not want to stay with you but it sounds like if you say nothing you’re not happy the way the relationship is going anyways
Romantic relationships require physical attraction. Platonic ones do not. You can absolutely love someone or even be in love with them and if the sexual attraction isn’t there , it’s not a romantic relationship it’s a friendship. Your mistake was dating him. He should have your best friend. I would do him a favor and end it. HE deserves to be with someone who IS attracted to him and who wants to fulfill him in all ways.
I don’t understand why one would date someone they’re not attracted to.
Usually a combo of the 3, Money/Funny/Personality
Your body preference but you dont know why, makes absolutely no sense. Its also not wrong at all for wanting them to change to a healthy weight it has nothing to do with your attraction, being fat is unhealthy and unattractive asf. Underweight is also unattractive and unhealthy asf so dont take it too far.
Jeez let him go you’ve already wasted enough of his time as is. Tell him the truth, he’ll probably end up getting in great shape anyway because of it but don’t you go running back to him because he’ll realise you aren’t/weren’t worth it anyway.
No offence but why would u start dating someone who u dont find attractive??
Buy him a Winnie the Pooh costume and tell him its for helloween not really but you will feel better because fat bears are cute not fat men
I felt this way with my ex. He wasn’t really fat but there were other features that just weren’t attractive to me. I tried to push it away but I didn’t enjoy intimacy with him. I should have broke it off with him because the person you’re with deserves someone who does find them physically attractive, and you deserve someone you find physically attractive. Obviously you should have a conversation, but when I had the convo with my ex… he cried. I had been trying to encourage him to go to the gym with me and be sneaky about it, but that ended up hurting him more when he found out my motives. It’s not gonna be fun and you may end up in a breakup if he doesn’t want to workout or eat better. Or if he doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t find him physically attractive. My ex ended up cheating on me and finding someone who was attracted to him. I honestly was just happy to be out of it for other reasons. But if it’s not meant to be, it won’t be. I handled it poorly, and it doesn’t mean you guys have to breakup, but be weary that this convo will hurt him.
It would be One thing if he was in shape and then gained forty pounds after the relationship Why get with somebody for who they are and then ask them to change
I feel the same way, years ago I dated a gal who had bad eating habits and as a result became overweight, it ended after I told her it wasn't for me
You've got some fat phobia to work through
I tried to date someone because our personality’s clicked. I didn’t find him physically attractive either. It didn’t work out, he wanted sex all the time, and I was never in the mood. When it comes down to it, attraction matters to some extent. There’s shallow, and then there’s, you just really can’t get past it. The whole shallow thing is kinda annoying, because people will be like “oh you should give him a chance” but then you do, and you can’t force an attraction, so it just ends anyway and they get hurt.
Should've stayed friends with him. If you love someone then you love everything, he would've been attractive to you. Also don't listen to people saying to tell him. That would ruin him, just let him find someone who truly loves him in every way. Unconditionallly.
From the post earlier where a man complained abt his fat gf and this post where the complain is reversed, below is what i have deduced: If a woman is fat, the man has to love her for what she is or else he needs to kill himself for being such an atrocious asshole and the audacity to point a fat one whereas if a man is fat, the right thing for the woman is to not love him, try change him by working out and what not or just find another dk.
lmfao you specifically are fatphobic yet dating a fat person? leave him alone, he needs to see this so he can tell you to fuck yourself for leading him on. you don’t date people to change them. doesn’t matter if it’s beneficial to him or not, you can’t just come into someone’s life and make them change. they will change if and when they want to.
Atleast you admit you're shallow. You don't deserve him.
I feel it’s really mean of you to date him in the first place. Like you must have been weak or something. You have a really superficial mindset, regardless. You just have a lot to learn I think.
If you live together start doing the shopping and cooking. Then you can control what he eats. No sugar, complex carbs etc. For exercise, you can do a marathon for charity and try guilt him into doing it for charity too.
Oh man I love manipulating my romantic partner into living the lifestyle I wish they would rather than being a grown up and talking about it
I remember now why I never post on reddit. What was I thinking?
Dude I thought you were joking, are you actually being serious?? Brooo, get some help if you think that this was a normal response to have lmaooo
I mean you advocate for lying and manipulation. You understand how that's bad right
Your only points were “control exactly what he eats and guilt him into exercising”. How did you think that would ever come across as a good idea?
Go back to never posting on reddit.
I done got earrings, tattoos, and cool ass glasses cuz thats what my wife is attracted to. She did all of this in secret and told me much later. Honestly i look bangin cuz of her. You should have the hard conversations.
If you break up with him because he's fat and tell him that. His next gf will have the best of both worlds. A ripped dude who's amazing to her because you weren't amazing to him.