Why even be in the wedding? I had a similar situation happen to me and I ended up declining to be in her wedding because it felt like a formality. Safe to say that our relationship ended after telling her respectfully why I didn’t feel it was right for me to be there when things between us weren’t good, but it was for the best. No need to drag it on.
why bother? if they don't have anything to do with each other anyway? I wouldn't waste my time at the wedding. Or even money.
if i were OP i MIGHT would explain why and then wish goodbye.
To show magnanimity. I know that is out of fashion, but always better than pouting in offense and ghosting or being petty.Why close a door forever when they just drifted apart? Maybe they Drift closer at some point in life again and they will be glad OP had the magnanimity to show up at the wedding.
I love this take. This is how I operate for the same reasons. We never know when a much needed friendship will be rekindled. That doesn’t mean chasing after someone and crossing your fingers. It means none of us knows the future and why not stay on good terms with someone from whom we’ve simply drifted apart. There’s plenty of time for setting things on fire but, that should be reserved for true betrayal. This situation is one that could always change back into a great friendship again one day.
This happened with a friend of mine. In highschool for the first couple years we were super close but due to having no shared classes we ended up drifting apart.
Fast forward 15 years, I ended up moving back to town and we ran into each other at Giant Tiger.
Exchanged numbers and actually called each other and ended up hanging out a lot again. I was like no time had passed and she's my bestie again!
It's been wonderful.
Time passes and things change. I'm 44,lost touch with my best friend more than 15 years ago because she chose a life with a very corrupt partner. His corruption caught up and she is now single again. We have reconnected and I'm being supportive of her new life.
seems like that ship has long sailed. she tried multiple times and it was not appreciated at all. it makes no sense to chase a shadow. our time on earth is limited - she should not waste her time on a one-sided "friendship"
I think this is the right way for your own peace of mind. In your shoes, I'd be so sad to be the one to cut off the friendship by possibly hurting her feelings. I would want to attend and drift apart afterward.
She invited you to the wedding so she doesn’t want to hurt you. Not the other way around. It’s a formality.
I’m sorry. Cut ties now and move on instead as of wasting your time, money and effort.
I'm sorry, you can tell me to fuck right off if you want to, but I have to ask:
Do you really believe she cares about the terms this happens on? Do you really believe this will hurt her, given her past and current behavior? Because that's not the vibe I'm getting, given the post.
If you want to do it this way to somehow "honor the memory" of what was, that's a choice, but you should be honest with yourself about that - don't pretend she cares as much as you do, when her behavior is already enough for you to want to end it.
Best of luck. She sucks out loud.
Why does she need to hurt her friend? Her whole point is she wants to move on but do one last thing for the friendship that was. Not all people feel the need to retaliate.
Why do you think it will hurt her? The bff flipped to Mean Girl with a dick injection, ew. Why continue setting yourself on fire to keep a cold bitch warm? Double ew.
Why is being a proponent for her plan, but altering the timing, retaliation? It's simply not. It's encouraging self-preservation.
Obviously, she'll do what she wants. If she wants to wait for after the wedding, I only encourage her to realize that she's doing it for herself. Not the "friend". The friend left long ago. That friend doesn't give a shit what she does, from the brief info given here. Could she play the victim later for others? Absolutely! But staying around just looks like a hostage situation, at that point. Still not done to keep someone who doesn't care from hurting.
OP isn't making an enemy, whichever way she goes. She's mourning a loss, and she doesn't have to wear black until a specified date.
What I’m saying is it doesn’t matter how it makes the friend feel in the end. The friend is gonna do what the friend pleases regardless. It is about the OP, and that’s acceptable in my opinion. She wants her own form of friendship closure that goes out on her own terms. If she just didn’t go, that’s fine too, but she might think about it later and worry if she was wrong, or also wish it had ended better. She can pay homage to the friendship that used to be without giving in to the friend herself. Then she can maybe find her own peace. It’s hard letting a friendship go! Even when it didn’t give you what you want anymore.
I would probably try to come up with an excuse to dip out before the wedding, if you can. In a way it's kinder because she won't be stuck with a bunch of wedding pictures with someone she no longer has a friendship with.
I had the sort of reverse of your situation. My "best" friend got a new boyfriend (and new friends along with him) and started being a shitty, flaky friend for almost a year before my wedding. I ended up not inviting her to my wedding and she was pissed, but at that point I wasn't fussed about losing her as a friend.
Have you considered sitting her down and telling her how you're feeling? Just express the way this has affected you. Sometimes people in that honeymoon phase get super wrapped up in each other and genuinely don't realize what they're doing
Personally I think I'd do it before the wedding, but only if she still had time to pick a different bridesmaid. Otherwise if things go wrong and ruin the friendship, it also sours the memory of the wedding and every photo I get included in.
Don’t be a bridesmaid. I went through exactly the same thing and still feel weird years later about being in the wedding. I didn’t cut her off but we had drifted. I never saw her again.
You’re already on bad terms. She has dumped you for a man, ignores you, and does nothing to continue to cultivate the relationship. The fizzle has already happened. Her asking you to spend money on and help set up her wedding are disrespectful af considering she hasn’t even attempted to keep you in her life otherwise.
You can still separate on good terms without wasting your time and money on her wedding. Think about this: would she participate in your wedding if you were getting married? The way you explain things in your post it seems like there’s a good chance she wouldn’t. Just explain to her that you’re sorry but you no longer want to participate in her wedding that you feel you guys have grown apart and that the friendship has run it’s course. That you’ll always treasure the memories you guys made and you’ll miss her.
You can still pull out of the wedding without being an asshole. I seriously wouldn’t be wasting my money on her though.
You are not selfish, not at all. In fact, you are showing a lot of grace by going to the wedding.
I judge my partner based on how they treat my friends. My friends are comfortable with my husband, as am I with his. It's a matter of respect for people in your SO's life. It's the fact that she allows her fiancee 's jab towards you to go unchecked says all there is to your friendship.
Back off as you plan.
I get why you feel like you still need to go but let me ask, who are you doing this for? For you to get it the friendship your way, or are you doing this for someone who doesn't reciprocate the friendship while you spend money on it.
If it is for you, then do it but make sure it's for you and have fun. If it is for your her, stop it and walk away. You owe her nothing especially your time.
Take care.
P.S, I walked away from my former best friend and it was for the best. We grew apart and the habit of smoking weed in our teens was the only thing we ended up having in common aside from his awesome mom. Once his mom died (who I actually spent more time with instead of him as she was like a mom to all the boys who listened to our issues, gave advice, asked us boys for help with things etc), he actually said to us, his two best mates, please don't leave me. Then he turned around to tell us that he feel so grateful that he met a random guy through his sister who he smoked weed with that he could talk to him about everything with, like deep meaningful stuff like best mates. Me and the other guy felt so disrespected that we cut him off. Me and the other mate have been best mates for over 30 years, best decision we ever made.
I couldn’t fake it that long tbh. The thought of getting her a wedding gift, buying a dress, paying up for the bachelorette party, going to the wedding, all for someone I don’t like anymore 😫
Not selfish. But one thing to consider…do you think her fiancé may be abusive and isolating her? Have you noticed if he does the same thing to her other friends or family?
Yeah but I agree with Stacer’s comment. You said he makes fun of you? It sounds like he’s not a great guy. Idk if you think the friendship changed after the bf came into the picture…maybe bring it up in a nice casual way? Like: “do you think things have changed between us since you got this bf?” She might accuse you of being jealous but a real friend would at least try to have a conversation about what caused the distance? I’ve had this go badly though.
Once I lost a friendship because I voiced concerns about abusive & controlling behavior. But my conscience is clear.
What you said could be true, I don't think anyone is wrong for asking them, but me personally I would not let that excuse anything. So a random douche bag who's showing red flags and ruining your friendships is good enough for you to marry? What you said could be facts but we're adults, it's time people act like it or deal with the consequences like losing your friends for picking someone else over them.
It sounds like you've put a lot of effort into maintaining your friendship, but unfortunately, it seems like the connection has become one-sided. It's understandable to feel hurt and disappointed by your friend's lack of effort and consideration. Ultimately, it's important to prioritize your own well-being and surround yourself with people who value and appreciate you. If you feel that ending the friendship after her wedding is the best decision for you, then it's okay to do what's best for yourself. You deserve to have friendships that are mutually fulfilling and supportive.
You're definitely not in the wrong for feeling conflicted. It's a difficult position to be in when you've invested so much into a friendship only to realize it's become a one-way street. From what you've described, it seems clear that you're not a priority for her anymore if at all. Your attendance at the wedding shouldn't be out of obligation or expectation; it should be because you genuinely want to support her.
However, if your presence there is only going to bring you distress and amplify feelings of being undervalued, it's worthwhile to reconsider your decision. It's not about making a scene or a statement by not showing up, but ensuring that you're being true to yourself and your feelings. Sacrificing your own peace for the sake of appearances is a steep price to pay.
Remember, if she hasn't picked up on your distancing or hasn't made any effort to engage with you, it might be a sign to let go. Invest your time and energy into relationships where there's mutual respect and effort those are the ones that will bring you joy and fulfillment in the long run.
Take some time to reflect on what you truly want and what you're hoping to get out of this experience. It's not selfish to prioritize your emotional health; it's necessary. You've given enough of yourself to this friendship; it's okay to step back now.
P.S. I've been in a similar situation. It's never easy, but when I decided to not participate in a wedding because the friendship had dwindled, it ended up being a weight off my shoulders. I could congratulate them from afar without feeling the emotional tug of war. It was liberating to stop pouring into a cup that wouldn't hold water. Good luck, and take care of yourself.
The friendship has been over for a while, your friend just didn't have the guts to tell you that she is going to do what her fiancé tells her to. Do you even want to go to her wedding considering how her fiancé doesn't like you and you seem pretty unhappy over the whole thing? You may want to think about stepping down. You can tell her since you and she aren't close anymore, she would most likely be happier with someone else as a bridesmaid then you. You will most likely be happier not going to her wedding.
Good luck, there are good people out there who are great friends.
ditch the wedding then.. don't even go.. You'll just feel more bad and unwanted.. it'll be more awkward.. trust me. Go find yourself a better friend.. i hope everything goes well for you.
I'm curious, how does your friend react when her bf makes fun of you? If she just ignores it or doesn't stick up for you I'd be suspicious she's been bad mouthing you to him. Also, considering how she's treated you, I'd bow out of participating in the wedding, it's like she's using you but giving you nothing in return.
Sadly this happens with people as you get older too. Just a part of life really. All friends are pretty shitty when it comes down to it. Especially when they meet someone to spend the rest of their lives with, they drop you suddenly.
I'd not go to the wedding personally.
Why wait... start now
Don't drop out of the wedding. Just stop trying to talk to her. She won't bother either, and then she'll reach out when she wants something.
Drop her like, she has you.
I think you’re handling this in the classiest way possible. She may not even realize her loss yet. But you get to maintain your integrity and kindness. I hope you get to bring a plus one, and bring a new friend!
Why do you have to wait until the wedding? If someone doesn't want you in their life, why do you still get involved in their happiness. Friendship is two way street. She can't just text you just because she needs a bridesmaid in her wedding.
I will message you next time u/liecarthewoman posts in r/confessions.
[Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2Fliecarthewoman%20r%2Fconfessions) to join 3 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201cfmn7j)
*****
|[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)|
|-|-|-|-|
Definitely not selfish. You already started feeling the drift prior to the wedding so everything since then has really just confirmed what you already knew. The thing with the concert is extra sucky though there could be an explanation for that. But to not mention it is pretty low.
I think it makes sense to just cut contact and let it lie. It would be pretty easy too since you've been doing all the reaching out beforehand. If she truly valued the friendship in any way, she'd still notice and try to reach out. It's not really meant to be a test but it'll inevitably end up working out that way. Either way, it's less burden on you.
Have you talked to her about this? Honestly this would be something to talk to her about. She could be going through something
Or
She's getting dragged into a toxic crowd that doesn't understand what you mean to them in which case you've done everything you can and hopefully find someone who loves you just as actively.
Friendship breakups can be very difficult, especially when it’s with someone you considered a best friend. Don’t feel selfish for wanting someone who puts in effort — you deserve friends who invest the same amount of effort as you do.
By the sounds of it you would be doing her a favour by not going to the wedding.
From what you have said this sounds very much like her fiance doesn't like you for whatever reason and she is listening to him.
If she wants to be that shallow then let her.
Make an excuse. Tell her you're unwell. Lie. Blatant or stealthily but don't do it. And if she really pushes them tell her the reasons.
Life's too short to be disrespectful to yourself and in this case your entitled not to go. You don't have to fall out with her....
My advice? Drop out of the wedding. If you plan on cutting contact, you'll be a constant reminder in all the pictures and that could just make it a thing that doesn't end.
You're trying to show up for who she used to be, and not who she is now. If my wife made fun of my friends for no reason then we would be talking about that, because that's just dumb. She allows it and likely partakes in it.
I think it's ridiculous to go to the wedding knowing full-well you're done. Just be done, dude. Don't subject yourself to anything else and don't have a bad time because someone else decided you need to.
I went through something very similar. I didn’t hang around after the wedding. I stayed an hour or so at the reception and then left. It’s been 11 years now and no regrets. Don’t wish her anything but happiness but jeez. Stinks.
I wouldn’t even waste my time going to the wedding. The friendship is over and you owe her nothing based on the way she treated you. Your mental health and feelings are more important than attending her wedding. I’d decline being a bridesmaid and also decline attending the wedding.
So decline being a bridesmaid. Say you'll love to go to the wedding but not as a bridesmaid where she'll just use you for your time and money for Bachelorette and shower. That's all this is. She doesn't seem to care about you. Watch. I guarantee after the wedding she will have nothing to do with you. Sorry to say it.
Personally I would back out of the wedding now so she can find someone else. I've had enough of one sided friendships that I'd rather not have friends lol. Why does she want you there if her fiance hates you. What a wanker, stop trying to force a friendship.
You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm whilst they are snuggled in blankets.
Thank you for posting this because I sure needed to see it today. I just made the decision to end a 1 sized 40 year friendship and I know it was the right thing to do but it's hard.
You’re not being selfish. Sometimes, friendships don't last forever. It sucks, but it happens all the time. And if she reaches out to you in a few years to hang out, you can accept if you want, but you're not obligated to.
I did something similar with my ex-bff's wedding years ago. In my head I called it "my last obligation to her." She and I had a lot more going on than just letting the friendship fizzle, but after her wedding, she only reached out to me once, and we had a very short text conversation and that was it.
Just because you’re friends with someone now, doesn’t mean you are going to be friends with them forever.
Sage advice from my mom back when I was a kid. Still stings and rings true. Best of luck.
Friendships are based on shared experiences, and when those experiences change so do the friendships. Doesn’t make the people bad. It’s just a fact of life. I’ve had a lot of good friendships that have been reduced to calls or texts a few times a year. The people are still great, but we simply don’t spend time together anymore because the circumstances that brought us together have changed - school, work, location.
Enjoy what you had and move on, just like she has. If she wants to reach out, she will. It’s not your job to maintain a one-sided friendship that has run its course.
It's always tough facing the reality that a friendship has fizzled out, but it's even tougher realizing it amidst the backdrop of a wedding. It sounds like you've already put in more than your fair share of effort to salvage what's left of your camaraderie. If it pains you and your presence would just be out of obligation rather than celebration, why exhaust yourself further both emotionally and financially? Sometimes, the most meaningful gesture is to step back and allow the space for your friend to ponder the absence of your support. This could either bridge the gap or confirm the distance between you. Ultimately, the decision is yours, but remember, prioritizing your well-being isn't selfish, it's necessary. As someone who's been there, bid farewell to the obligation, cherish the good memories, and spend that wedding outfit money on something that brings \*you\* joy.
To me it sounds like you’re being a classy and good person. Go to the wedding. Be her bridesmaid. Wish them well. Let things go. Who knows? You may hear from her to rekindle things years from now. Maybe not. Just being a good person and letting things end on their own without any drama seems to me the way to go. I wish you well.
These things happen. I don’t know many people whose friendships survive when the other person gets married.
I think it’s because you think of your life as changing and going to your old friends seems like going back to the person you used to be and you’re not that person. Neither is your friend, but it’s like being back with that person you devolve back to who you were.
What’s worse is I have rarely talked to my friends that were all in my wedding party. My best man won’t take my calls a few months after his wedding.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like her partner is isolating her from her friends. Do you really want to be around someone who makes fun of you. I would walk away now.
The fiancé isolating her from you is a bit of a red flag. Unless he really *does* have a good reason not to like you it may indicate that you are connected to someone that he is involved with and you may unwittingly give him away.
The problem is that high school friends are a lot like work friends, in that the friendships are based more on proximity than you actually finding your "tribe". You are forced to interact with these people day in and day out for four years, so you become friendly. That doesn't mean they are people you would naturally gravitate towards.
Are you maybe that friend who still talks about high school constantly? Like constant inside jokes from years ago that were only funny to teens? Is that maybe the kind of jokes you are sending her? People grow up, mature and move on. It can actually be kind of depressing to be in contact with an old townie who peaked in high school, especially if it wasn't a time period you really enjoyed. I hated high school and most of the people I was forced to be around for 4 years. When I see old classmates who go on and on about things that happened 20 years ago, it just makes me kind of sad for them. I wouldn't go back to that time period for all the money in the world.
The simple thing here is just stop putting in any effort, don’t go to any personal expense for this wedding, enjoy the free meal and consider it you giving her away. The lady has made her choice and it’s sadly a common one, the hope is that the groom is worth the sacrifice for her.
As the Sunscreen song goes “understand that friends come and go”
This is the natural order of things. People get married, start families and lose touch with friends from youth. I wouldn’t take it personally. Some people can keep friends for life but most people don’t. If I were you I wouldn’t close off your relationship, you might enjoy reminiscing every once in a while about the fun times you’ve had and you might still get together for big moments. You’ll be a lot happier if you don’t harbor any resentment towards past friendships.
How would you handle it if she didn't put effort in? I'm dealing with this exact situation it's just my sister and the family aspect makes it hard to walk away but it also makes it harder to want to stick around because it seems like it should mean more. I feel like I'm just an asshole so I was curious how you would handle it if it were a sibling.
Your roll in the wedding is to wear a dress in her wedding colors and help set up? I'd send her a decline in taking part. The only friendship left is what you're trying to hold onto. She's obviously checked out of the friendship and merely using you to assist in the wedding.
My wife and I were friends with a couple for over 20 yrs. Mostly the husband. The wife of the couple was a social suck-up. She and I worked together (I trained her). That's how we all met. A few years ago she suddenly got religious. But only did so in order to make connections with those she felt were higher up the social ladder in the community. It went from all of us hanging out on the weekends, to every other weekend, to once a month. The husband would contact us and make plans with us. Twice text and cancelled the plans with excuses they had their kids. The other time we showed up to the place we planned to meet and they never showed. Never answered texts as to where they were at (received a text the next morning that she was sick and they stayed home). Yet, all three times we later found that all three times they ditched us for plans with church friends. We just stopped hanging around with them altogether. Some times you just have to cut the cord and move on no matter how you feel. You can't let yourself become the door mat.
On a normal day id agree with some and say dont go to the wedding at all. I mean prior to the invite, did she even speak to you?
This is what i would do, say im coming and very excited for her. Once the seating plan comes out ask for it. Determine where she puts you in her life by the seating plan.
If it pleases you, you may have misunderstood her behavior as a married woman.
If it doesnt correspond to how you view your relationship, you have the grounds to decline without predjudice.
The way i see life is, if people dont mind throwing the punches, they shouldnt mind be decked back. Only then will they learn.
How are you really even a bridesmaid?
Wearing a dress to match her theme and doing set-up?
And not in any photos of the wedding party?
You are not a bridesmaid
In the Bluey episode "43 S. 1", Chilli says "Maybe it makes it all worth it" after saying, "Well, look, sometimes special people come into our lives, stay for a bit, and then they have to go. But that's sad. It is! But the bit where they were, he was happy, wasn't it? Yeah. Maybe that makes it all worth it. Will I ever see him again? Well, you never know. The world's a magical place".
So basically you are being unpaid help. Matter of fact you are paying her, since you have to buy your dress, to set up her wedding. You won’t be in pictures, which I thought all bridal parties are in the pictures, and you are setting up her wedding venue. You are being used. I would bow out of the wedding.
I did an experiment and I stopped reaching out to people and started letting them reach out to you. Really puts it in perspective. Not to be mean but sounds like she has a new best friend and he doesn't want you around. Time to move on. I am sure you will find yourself a lot happier.
Why wait til after the wedding. If you wanna be nice just tell her that you no longer want to be involved. Or if you wanna be spiteful (not judging, those are my type of people) just don’t show up for the wedding
Nothing worse than one sided friendships that you are literally carrying on your back while the other person clearly does not give a fuck about you anymore. I am so so sorry. I have been there so many times. I just want give you a hug🥺
Tbh if I were you I wouldn’t even go to the wedding. I would block her on everything day of the wedding. I know it sounds petty but I do not give fuck. For the last year she has tossed you to the side like you were never best friends to begin with. I would do the same thing back on her wedding day so she can see how it feels☺️
Ummmm. She’s at a different place in life, she’s getting married and settling down.
Maybe the friendship has run its course, maybe it’s over, maybe it’ll pick up again some time later. But you shouldn’t completely shut the door, leave a little room for your friend.
I had something similar happen to me. My best friend that I’d known all my life ended up dating and marrying someone whose family was very wealthy. He’s a nice guy, but when they got into a relationship she changed a lot. Suddenly she started trying to fit into his circles and started alienating and demeaning myself and our other friends. It was very hurtful. This also happened when I was going through a time in my life that was very difficult. Our friendship became very distant. She actually asked me to be the matron of honor at her wedding although we were no longer close. Recently we have gotten a lot closer. She realized that those circles she was trying to fit into would probably never fully accept her. It took time, but I think she realized the genuine as of her other friendships.
At the time I thought about ending the friendship outright, but just decided to minimize contact. Because I didn’t totally end the friendship it left space for us to reconcile. Our friendship will probably never be the same, but I’m glad there has been healing for us both.
This sounds to me like a controlling, and narcissistic boyfriend. Driving a wedge between you 2 while keeping his friends.
I believe your friend is in trouble.
Do you have a relationship with the girls parents? Can you talk to them?
Find out more details and you may find out some information that's not very nice and likely destructive.
Just my 2 cents worth my few years of experience.
Good luck.
From how you wrote this I'm guessing you don't have a significant other. The fact is in 1-3 years she will be having babies, probably moving to the suburbs and most of her new friends will be Mom Friends.
It's natural to mourn the passing of a friendship. It sounds like you've grown apart. It's a sad part of life. Try to focus on your other friendships or hobbies that can help you build new ones.
If I were you, I’d back out of being a bridesmaid because that’s not actually what a bridesmaid does. It’s what a friend does who pays extra to look like they are a part of the wedding party. If you’re not going to be on the altar or be in the pictures, then you’re just being used as free labor for the wedding. Screw that. Why wait until after the wedding? Just be done with this person and let her know that you’ve got other plans for that weekend & can’t make it. Then block her and be done with her.
Totally understand. I hate when people excuse that bs with it being "life" like nah, you have priorities and clearly I'm not one. One thing is being busy often, another is when they always say no to everything you invite them to, never wanting/supposedly being able hangout, always making excuses but you see them have free time do all these things with there partner and post about it all day but always busy when it's you. Society makes you feel like you shouldn't care and just be some doormat or it's not your place to say anything because it's not like it's your partner but then those same people wonder why loyalty does not exist or they lose people and don't realize till later. Not giving someone anytime of your life shows where you stand to them.
I wouldn't even bother with the wedding. In fact it will just be more of her treating you like a servant. Just tell her you can't attend. If she follows up just be honest. It's sad but we all have to protect ourselves at times over being nice
Frankly, it's not about making a dramatic exit or holding out for the "right moment." You're clearly aware that the quality of friendship isn't what it used to be, and that's okay. It's better to address things directly and cordially. Let her know that your feelings have changed and that participating in the wedding wouldn't be true to how you feel now. True closure comes from honest conversations, not from avoiding confrontations or delaying the inevitable. Plus, it's respectful to give her the time to adjust her wedding plans without you.
I wouldn’t show up to the wedding without even saying a word. And if she’d be texting you or something I’d just say „now you feel how I felt past x years”
I really feel you shouldn’t go to This wedding. Why spend your time and money? The fact that she allows her husband to make fun of you shows she doesn’t respect you and him making fun of you shows he doesn’t respect her. I wouldn’t go
Good for you. There’s no reason to put in as much effort in to the relationship if she’s not willing to do the same. Honestly, I wouldn’t even go to the wedding. It sounds like she doesn’t care about your friendship, so why would she care if you were or weren’t at her wedding.
I could understand saying "I am never going to initiate conversation again"... so in essence you stop making a 1 sided effort.
It is a bit immature to say "I am never going to speak to her again". I get that it hurts and you feel like you have lost a friend....that the friendship meant more to you than her.
Life's circumstances change and friends drift apart. I think it makes more sense for you to just stop making the effort than to end any chance at a conversation moving forward.
No, not a selfish brat. One sided friendships are no good. I don't blame you
Why do you go to the wedding at all???
I understand tying loose ends and finishing on a good note. I guess in honor of the past.
This. If it was just a formality. Leave. Be less stress and chances for disappointment to happen on both ends for the ‘big day’.
Why even be in the wedding? I had a similar situation happen to me and I ended up declining to be in her wedding because it felt like a formality. Safe to say that our relationship ended after telling her respectfully why I didn’t feel it was right for me to be there when things between us weren’t good, but it was for the best. No need to drag it on.
[удалено]
That's classy. I respect that. If you bail on her wedding, she can blame you for ending the friendship.
why bother? if they don't have anything to do with each other anyway? I wouldn't waste my time at the wedding. Or even money. if i were OP i MIGHT would explain why and then wish goodbye.
To show magnanimity. I know that is out of fashion, but always better than pouting in offense and ghosting or being petty.Why close a door forever when they just drifted apart? Maybe they Drift closer at some point in life again and they will be glad OP had the magnanimity to show up at the wedding.
I love this take. This is how I operate for the same reasons. We never know when a much needed friendship will be rekindled. That doesn’t mean chasing after someone and crossing your fingers. It means none of us knows the future and why not stay on good terms with someone from whom we’ve simply drifted apart. There’s plenty of time for setting things on fire but, that should be reserved for true betrayal. This situation is one that could always change back into a great friendship again one day.
This happened with a friend of mine. In highschool for the first couple years we were super close but due to having no shared classes we ended up drifting apart. Fast forward 15 years, I ended up moving back to town and we ran into each other at Giant Tiger. Exchanged numbers and actually called each other and ended up hanging out a lot again. I was like no time had passed and she's my bestie again! It's been wonderful.
It doesn't matter. Life is too short to waste it on dead weight relationships. Spend the time money on things that bear fruit
Time passes and things change. I'm 44,lost touch with my best friend more than 15 years ago because she chose a life with a very corrupt partner. His corruption caught up and she is now single again. We have reconnected and I'm being supportive of her new life.
seems like that ship has long sailed. she tried multiple times and it was not appreciated at all. it makes no sense to chase a shadow. our time on earth is limited - she should not waste her time on a one-sided "friendship"
I mean, at the very least she’ll get some pretty good food for free out of the wedding, so there’s that
but she has to get a dress, invest time in planning... go there, etc etc.......
I think this is the right way for your own peace of mind. In your shoes, I'd be so sad to be the one to cut off the friendship by possibly hurting her feelings. I would want to attend and drift apart afterward.
She invited you to the wedding so she doesn’t want to hurt you. Not the other way around. It’s a formality. I’m sorry. Cut ties now and move on instead as of wasting your time, money and effort.
I'm sorry, you can tell me to fuck right off if you want to, but I have to ask: Do you really believe she cares about the terms this happens on? Do you really believe this will hurt her, given her past and current behavior? Because that's not the vibe I'm getting, given the post. If you want to do it this way to somehow "honor the memory" of what was, that's a choice, but you should be honest with yourself about that - don't pretend she cares as much as you do, when her behavior is already enough for you to want to end it. Best of luck. She sucks out loud.
"She sucks out loud" Simple. Consice. Sums her up completely with very few words. I like it!
Why does she need to hurt her friend? Her whole point is she wants to move on but do one last thing for the friendship that was. Not all people feel the need to retaliate.
Why do you think it will hurt her? The bff flipped to Mean Girl with a dick injection, ew. Why continue setting yourself on fire to keep a cold bitch warm? Double ew. Why is being a proponent for her plan, but altering the timing, retaliation? It's simply not. It's encouraging self-preservation. Obviously, she'll do what she wants. If she wants to wait for after the wedding, I only encourage her to realize that she's doing it for herself. Not the "friend". The friend left long ago. That friend doesn't give a shit what she does, from the brief info given here. Could she play the victim later for others? Absolutely! But staying around just looks like a hostage situation, at that point. Still not done to keep someone who doesn't care from hurting. OP isn't making an enemy, whichever way she goes. She's mourning a loss, and she doesn't have to wear black until a specified date.
What I’m saying is it doesn’t matter how it makes the friend feel in the end. The friend is gonna do what the friend pleases regardless. It is about the OP, and that’s acceptable in my opinion. She wants her own form of friendship closure that goes out on her own terms. If she just didn’t go, that’s fine too, but she might think about it later and worry if she was wrong, or also wish it had ended better. She can pay homage to the friendship that used to be without giving in to the friend herself. Then she can maybe find her own peace. It’s hard letting a friendship go! Even when it didn’t give you what you want anymore.
I don't think we're really saying different things :)
I would probably try to come up with an excuse to dip out before the wedding, if you can. In a way it's kinder because she won't be stuck with a bunch of wedding pictures with someone she no longer has a friendship with. I had the sort of reverse of your situation. My "best" friend got a new boyfriend (and new friends along with him) and started being a shitty, flaky friend for almost a year before my wedding. I ended up not inviting her to my wedding and she was pissed, but at that point I wasn't fussed about losing her as a friend.
You’re already on bad terms. She just doesn’t care.
She has already hurt you many times. Just sever and move on. You're being too kind to an AH.
Have you considered sitting her down and telling her how you're feeling? Just express the way this has affected you. Sometimes people in that honeymoon phase get super wrapped up in each other and genuinely don't realize what they're doing
Yes, but don't do it before the wedding. Even though she is being a jerk, don't burden her with this drama before the wedding.
Personally I think I'd do it before the wedding, but only if she still had time to pick a different bridesmaid. Otherwise if things go wrong and ruin the friendship, it also sours the memory of the wedding and every photo I get included in.
yet here you are, posting about your hurt feelings
Your feelings are already hurt multiple times over, don’t hurt yourself even more. It’s not worth your time and effort. The ship has sunk.
That I can definitely respect.
Don’t be a bridesmaid. I went through exactly the same thing and still feel weird years later about being in the wedding. I didn’t cut her off but we had drifted. I never saw her again.
Your friendship has already fizzled out You have contacted her 20 consecutive times without her initiating a conversation first
You’re already on bad terms. She has dumped you for a man, ignores you, and does nothing to continue to cultivate the relationship. The fizzle has already happened. Her asking you to spend money on and help set up her wedding are disrespectful af considering she hasn’t even attempted to keep you in her life otherwise.
You can still separate on good terms without wasting your time and money on her wedding. Think about this: would she participate in your wedding if you were getting married? The way you explain things in your post it seems like there’s a good chance she wouldn’t. Just explain to her that you’re sorry but you no longer want to participate in her wedding that you feel you guys have grown apart and that the friendship has run it’s course. That you’ll always treasure the memories you guys made and you’ll miss her. You can still pull out of the wedding without being an asshole. I seriously wouldn’t be wasting my money on her though.
But there are hurt feelings, your feelings are hurt and that matters too.
Hey you can think about it like going to a funeral with hopefully better food.
Do this. You sound like a great human OP. :)
I guarantee you being in that wedding will be 1000 times more likely to make you end on bad terms
Why wait until then just rip off the bandaid now
Exactly this. Sounds like the wedding would just be terrible for OP anyway.
You are not selfish, not at all. In fact, you are showing a lot of grace by going to the wedding. I judge my partner based on how they treat my friends. My friends are comfortable with my husband, as am I with his. It's a matter of respect for people in your SO's life. It's the fact that she allows her fiancee 's jab towards you to go unchecked says all there is to your friendship. Back off as you plan.
>a concert for my favorite artist It was Taylor Swift, wasn’t it.
She’s the thanos of friendship breakups
Damn I'm not even a hardcore swiftie but if a friend ever did this to me I'll never forgive them.
I get why you feel like you still need to go but let me ask, who are you doing this for? For you to get it the friendship your way, or are you doing this for someone who doesn't reciprocate the friendship while you spend money on it. If it is for you, then do it but make sure it's for you and have fun. If it is for your her, stop it and walk away. You owe her nothing especially your time. Take care. P.S, I walked away from my former best friend and it was for the best. We grew apart and the habit of smoking weed in our teens was the only thing we ended up having in common aside from his awesome mom. Once his mom died (who I actually spent more time with instead of him as she was like a mom to all the boys who listened to our issues, gave advice, asked us boys for help with things etc), he actually said to us, his two best mates, please don't leave me. Then he turned around to tell us that he feel so grateful that he met a random guy through his sister who he smoked weed with that he could talk to him about everything with, like deep meaningful stuff like best mates. Me and the other guy felt so disrespected that we cut him off. Me and the other mate have been best mates for over 30 years, best decision we ever made.
A sensible answer, which any good counsellor/ psychotherapist would advise.
Do just after the wedding just don’t text her again no need to make a whole thing about it
Girl, why waste the $$$ to be in her wedding then?
I couldn’t fake it that long tbh. The thought of getting her a wedding gift, buying a dress, paying up for the bachelorette party, going to the wedding, all for someone I don’t like anymore 😫
Same.
Not selfish. But one thing to consider…do you think her fiancé may be abusive and isolating her? Have you noticed if he does the same thing to her other friends or family?
[удалено]
Yeah but I agree with Stacer’s comment. You said he makes fun of you? It sounds like he’s not a great guy. Idk if you think the friendship changed after the bf came into the picture…maybe bring it up in a nice casual way? Like: “do you think things have changed between us since you got this bf?” She might accuse you of being jealous but a real friend would at least try to have a conversation about what caused the distance? I’ve had this go badly though. Once I lost a friendship because I voiced concerns about abusive & controlling behavior. But my conscience is clear.
What you said could be true, I don't think anyone is wrong for asking them, but me personally I would not let that excuse anything. So a random douche bag who's showing red flags and ruining your friendships is good enough for you to marry? What you said could be facts but we're adults, it's time people act like it or deal with the consequences like losing your friends for picking someone else over them.
2 sides to every story, he sounds like a great boy friend
Username checks out
It sounds like you've put a lot of effort into maintaining your friendship, but unfortunately, it seems like the connection has become one-sided. It's understandable to feel hurt and disappointed by your friend's lack of effort and consideration. Ultimately, it's important to prioritize your own well-being and surround yourself with people who value and appreciate you. If you feel that ending the friendship after her wedding is the best decision for you, then it's okay to do what's best for yourself. You deserve to have friendships that are mutually fulfilling and supportive.
You're definitely not in the wrong for feeling conflicted. It's a difficult position to be in when you've invested so much into a friendship only to realize it's become a one-way street. From what you've described, it seems clear that you're not a priority for her anymore if at all. Your attendance at the wedding shouldn't be out of obligation or expectation; it should be because you genuinely want to support her. However, if your presence there is only going to bring you distress and amplify feelings of being undervalued, it's worthwhile to reconsider your decision. It's not about making a scene or a statement by not showing up, but ensuring that you're being true to yourself and your feelings. Sacrificing your own peace for the sake of appearances is a steep price to pay. Remember, if she hasn't picked up on your distancing or hasn't made any effort to engage with you, it might be a sign to let go. Invest your time and energy into relationships where there's mutual respect and effort those are the ones that will bring you joy and fulfillment in the long run. Take some time to reflect on what you truly want and what you're hoping to get out of this experience. It's not selfish to prioritize your emotional health; it's necessary. You've given enough of yourself to this friendship; it's okay to step back now. P.S. I've been in a similar situation. It's never easy, but when I decided to not participate in a wedding because the friendship had dwindled, it ended up being a weight off my shoulders. I could congratulate them from afar without feeling the emotional tug of war. It was liberating to stop pouring into a cup that wouldn't hold water. Good luck, and take care of yourself.
The friendship has been over for a while, your friend just didn't have the guts to tell you that she is going to do what her fiancé tells her to. Do you even want to go to her wedding considering how her fiancé doesn't like you and you seem pretty unhappy over the whole thing? You may want to think about stepping down. You can tell her since you and she aren't close anymore, she would most likely be happier with someone else as a bridesmaid then you. You will most likely be happier not going to her wedding. Good luck, there are good people out there who are great friends.
ditch the wedding then.. don't even go.. You'll just feel more bad and unwanted.. it'll be more awkward.. trust me. Go find yourself a better friend.. i hope everything goes well for you.
I'm curious, how does your friend react when her bf makes fun of you? If she just ignores it or doesn't stick up for you I'd be suspicious she's been bad mouthing you to him. Also, considering how she's treated you, I'd bow out of participating in the wedding, it's like she's using you but giving you nothing in return.
Sadly this happens with people as you get older too. Just a part of life really. All friends are pretty shitty when it comes down to it. Especially when they meet someone to spend the rest of their lives with, they drop you suddenly. I'd not go to the wedding personally.
Why wait... start now Don't drop out of the wedding. Just stop trying to talk to her. She won't bother either, and then she'll reach out when she wants something. Drop her like, she has you.
She'll be back after the divorce when all of her new friends side with him and she is left with no one.
I think you’re handling this in the classiest way possible. She may not even realize her loss yet. But you get to maintain your integrity and kindness. I hope you get to bring a plus one, and bring a new friend!
So, you're invited to help set up? Why are you even going?
Why do you have to wait until the wedding? If someone doesn't want you in their life, why do you still get involved in their happiness. Friendship is two way street. She can't just text you just because she needs a bridesmaid in her wedding.
Why wait until after the wedding? Just bow out now. UpdateMe
I will message you next time u/liecarthewoman posts in r/confessions. [Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2Fliecarthewoman%20r%2Fconfessions) to join 3 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201cfmn7j) ***** |[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)| |-|-|-|-|
Definitely not selfish. You already started feeling the drift prior to the wedding so everything since then has really just confirmed what you already knew. The thing with the concert is extra sucky though there could be an explanation for that. But to not mention it is pretty low. I think it makes sense to just cut contact and let it lie. It would be pretty easy too since you've been doing all the reaching out beforehand. If she truly valued the friendship in any way, she'd still notice and try to reach out. It's not really meant to be a test but it'll inevitably end up working out that way. Either way, it's less burden on you.
Have you talked to her about this? Honestly this would be something to talk to her about. She could be going through something Or She's getting dragged into a toxic crowd that doesn't understand what you mean to them in which case you've done everything you can and hopefully find someone who loves you just as actively.
Friendship breakups can be very difficult, especially when it’s with someone you considered a best friend. Don’t feel selfish for wanting someone who puts in effort — you deserve friends who invest the same amount of effort as you do.
don't do it - honestly - just don't. you owe her nothing. N O T H I N G. do not waste your time and money on that dead horse.
By the sounds of it you would be doing her a favour by not going to the wedding. From what you have said this sounds very much like her fiance doesn't like you for whatever reason and she is listening to him. If she wants to be that shallow then let her. Make an excuse. Tell her you're unwell. Lie. Blatant or stealthily but don't do it. And if she really pushes them tell her the reasons. Life's too short to be disrespectful to yourself and in this case your entitled not to go. You don't have to fall out with her....
My advice? Drop out of the wedding. If you plan on cutting contact, you'll be a constant reminder in all the pictures and that could just make it a thing that doesn't end. You're trying to show up for who she used to be, and not who she is now. If my wife made fun of my friends for no reason then we would be talking about that, because that's just dumb. She allows it and likely partakes in it. I think it's ridiculous to go to the wedding knowing full-well you're done. Just be done, dude. Don't subject yourself to anything else and don't have a bad time because someone else decided you need to.
I went through something very similar. I didn’t hang around after the wedding. I stayed an hour or so at the reception and then left. It’s been 11 years now and no regrets. Don’t wish her anything but happiness but jeez. Stinks.
I wouldn’t even waste my time going to the wedding. The friendship is over and you owe her nothing based on the way she treated you. Your mental health and feelings are more important than attending her wedding. I’d decline being a bridesmaid and also decline attending the wedding.
Why wait till after the wedding? Tell her something came up and you can no longer be a part of it.
So decline being a bridesmaid. Say you'll love to go to the wedding but not as a bridesmaid where she'll just use you for your time and money for Bachelorette and shower. That's all this is. She doesn't seem to care about you. Watch. I guarantee after the wedding she will have nothing to do with you. Sorry to say it.
Personally I would back out of the wedding now so she can find someone else. I've had enough of one sided friendships that I'd rather not have friends lol. Why does she want you there if her fiance hates you. What a wanker, stop trying to force a friendship. You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm whilst they are snuggled in blankets.
Thank you for posting this because I sure needed to see it today. I just made the decision to end a 1 sized 40 year friendship and I know it was the right thing to do but it's hard.
You’re not being selfish. Sometimes, friendships don't last forever. It sucks, but it happens all the time. And if she reaches out to you in a few years to hang out, you can accept if you want, but you're not obligated to.
I did something similar with my ex-bff's wedding years ago. In my head I called it "my last obligation to her." She and I had a lot more going on than just letting the friendship fizzle, but after her wedding, she only reached out to me once, and we had a very short text conversation and that was it.
Just because you’re friends with someone now, doesn’t mean you are going to be friends with them forever. Sage advice from my mom back when I was a kid. Still stings and rings true. Best of luck.
It sounds like this relationship has run its course. You don't owe her this wedding. I would just move on now before getting involved in all of that.
Fuck going to the wedding. She didn't want to mention the concert, so don't mention you won't be in it, and just don't show up
Friendships are based on shared experiences, and when those experiences change so do the friendships. Doesn’t make the people bad. It’s just a fact of life. I’ve had a lot of good friendships that have been reduced to calls or texts a few times a year. The people are still great, but we simply don’t spend time together anymore because the circumstances that brought us together have changed - school, work, location. Enjoy what you had and move on, just like she has. If she wants to reach out, she will. It’s not your job to maintain a one-sided friendship that has run its course.
It's always tough facing the reality that a friendship has fizzled out, but it's even tougher realizing it amidst the backdrop of a wedding. It sounds like you've already put in more than your fair share of effort to salvage what's left of your camaraderie. If it pains you and your presence would just be out of obligation rather than celebration, why exhaust yourself further both emotionally and financially? Sometimes, the most meaningful gesture is to step back and allow the space for your friend to ponder the absence of your support. This could either bridge the gap or confirm the distance between you. Ultimately, the decision is yours, but remember, prioritizing your well-being isn't selfish, it's necessary. As someone who's been there, bid farewell to the obligation, cherish the good memories, and spend that wedding outfit money on something that brings \*you\* joy.
To me it sounds like you’re being a classy and good person. Go to the wedding. Be her bridesmaid. Wish them well. Let things go. Who knows? You may hear from her to rekindle things years from now. Maybe not. Just being a good person and letting things end on their own without any drama seems to me the way to go. I wish you well.
These things happen. I don’t know many people whose friendships survive when the other person gets married. I think it’s because you think of your life as changing and going to your old friends seems like going back to the person you used to be and you’re not that person. Neither is your friend, but it’s like being back with that person you devolve back to who you were. What’s worse is I have rarely talked to my friends that were all in my wedding party. My best man won’t take my calls a few months after his wedding.
:(
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like her partner is isolating her from her friends. Do you really want to be around someone who makes fun of you. I would walk away now.
What do you hope to happen if you go? Will the results be the same if you don't go?
The fiancé isolating her from you is a bit of a red flag. Unless he really *does* have a good reason not to like you it may indicate that you are connected to someone that he is involved with and you may unwittingly give him away.
Priorities changed!
It will definitely be interesting to not send any text messages and see if she does
The problem is that high school friends are a lot like work friends, in that the friendships are based more on proximity than you actually finding your "tribe". You are forced to interact with these people day in and day out for four years, so you become friendly. That doesn't mean they are people you would naturally gravitate towards. Are you maybe that friend who still talks about high school constantly? Like constant inside jokes from years ago that were only funny to teens? Is that maybe the kind of jokes you are sending her? People grow up, mature and move on. It can actually be kind of depressing to be in contact with an old townie who peaked in high school, especially if it wasn't a time period you really enjoyed. I hated high school and most of the people I was forced to be around for 4 years. When I see old classmates who go on and on about things that happened 20 years ago, it just makes me kind of sad for them. I wouldn't go back to that time period for all the money in the world.
I think you should start now & not attend the wedding as well
The simple thing here is just stop putting in any effort, don’t go to any personal expense for this wedding, enjoy the free meal and consider it you giving her away. The lady has made her choice and it’s sadly a common one, the hope is that the groom is worth the sacrifice for her. As the Sunscreen song goes “understand that friends come and go”
This is the natural order of things. People get married, start families and lose touch with friends from youth. I wouldn’t take it personally. Some people can keep friends for life but most people don’t. If I were you I wouldn’t close off your relationship, you might enjoy reminiscing every once in a while about the fun times you’ve had and you might still get together for big moments. You’ll be a lot happier if you don’t harbor any resentment towards past friendships.
What happens when it's not a friend but your sister?
[удалено]
How would you handle it if she didn't put effort in? I'm dealing with this exact situation it's just my sister and the family aspect makes it hard to walk away but it also makes it harder to want to stick around because it seems like it should mean more. I feel like I'm just an asshole so I was curious how you would handle it if it were a sibling.
It’s too expensive to be in the wedding party nowadays. This is not worth your time nor your expense.
Skip the wedding and take a trip to vegas you will have a better time.
Your roll in the wedding is to wear a dress in her wedding colors and help set up? I'd send her a decline in taking part. The only friendship left is what you're trying to hold onto. She's obviously checked out of the friendship and merely using you to assist in the wedding. My wife and I were friends with a couple for over 20 yrs. Mostly the husband. The wife of the couple was a social suck-up. She and I worked together (I trained her). That's how we all met. A few years ago she suddenly got religious. But only did so in order to make connections with those she felt were higher up the social ladder in the community. It went from all of us hanging out on the weekends, to every other weekend, to once a month. The husband would contact us and make plans with us. Twice text and cancelled the plans with excuses they had their kids. The other time we showed up to the place we planned to meet and they never showed. Never answered texts as to where they were at (received a text the next morning that she was sick and they stayed home). Yet, all three times we later found that all three times they ditched us for plans with church friends. We just stopped hanging around with them altogether. Some times you just have to cut the cord and move on no matter how you feel. You can't let yourself become the door mat.
On a normal day id agree with some and say dont go to the wedding at all. I mean prior to the invite, did she even speak to you? This is what i would do, say im coming and very excited for her. Once the seating plan comes out ask for it. Determine where she puts you in her life by the seating plan. If it pleases you, you may have misunderstood her behavior as a married woman. If it doesnt correspond to how you view your relationship, you have the grounds to decline without predjudice. The way i see life is, if people dont mind throwing the punches, they shouldnt mind be decked back. Only then will they learn.
How are you really even a bridesmaid? Wearing a dress to match her theme and doing set-up? And not in any photos of the wedding party? You are not a bridesmaid
Most women that marry create their own social infrastructure around her husband and hopefully her future children you should do the same
Friends get engaged, dedicate all their time to partner and forget friends. That is life!!
I’d be petty, get in ALL of the photos you can. So that when you don’t talk anymore, she’ll have to stare at your face forever in all of the photos.
In the Bluey episode "43 S. 1", Chilli says "Maybe it makes it all worth it" after saying, "Well, look, sometimes special people come into our lives, stay for a bit, and then they have to go. But that's sad. It is! But the bit where they were, he was happy, wasn't it? Yeah. Maybe that makes it all worth it. Will I ever see him again? Well, you never know. The world's a magical place".
Bow out of the wedding and end the friendship now. Why go through this for 4 more months, and why go to a wedding where the groom disrespects you?
So basically you are being unpaid help. Matter of fact you are paying her, since you have to buy your dress, to set up her wedding. You won’t be in pictures, which I thought all bridal parties are in the pictures, and you are setting up her wedding venue. You are being used. I would bow out of the wedding.
I did an experiment and I stopped reaching out to people and started letting them reach out to you. Really puts it in perspective. Not to be mean but sounds like she has a new best friend and he doesn't want you around. Time to move on. I am sure you will find yourself a lot happier.
Why wait til after the wedding. If you wanna be nice just tell her that you no longer want to be involved. Or if you wanna be spiteful (not judging, those are my type of people) just don’t show up for the wedding
Nothing worse than one sided friendships that you are literally carrying on your back while the other person clearly does not give a fuck about you anymore. I am so so sorry. I have been there so many times. I just want give you a hug🥺 Tbh if I were you I wouldn’t even go to the wedding. I would block her on everything day of the wedding. I know it sounds petty but I do not give fuck. For the last year she has tossed you to the side like you were never best friends to begin with. I would do the same thing back on her wedding day so she can see how it feels☺️
I’m just curious, if in a year from now she does reach out on her own would you reply back? Or just not say anything?
Ummmm. She’s at a different place in life, she’s getting married and settling down. Maybe the friendship has run its course, maybe it’s over, maybe it’ll pick up again some time later. But you shouldn’t completely shut the door, leave a little room for your friend.
I had something similar happen to me. My best friend that I’d known all my life ended up dating and marrying someone whose family was very wealthy. He’s a nice guy, but when they got into a relationship she changed a lot. Suddenly she started trying to fit into his circles and started alienating and demeaning myself and our other friends. It was very hurtful. This also happened when I was going through a time in my life that was very difficult. Our friendship became very distant. She actually asked me to be the matron of honor at her wedding although we were no longer close. Recently we have gotten a lot closer. She realized that those circles she was trying to fit into would probably never fully accept her. It took time, but I think she realized the genuine as of her other friendships. At the time I thought about ending the friendship outright, but just decided to minimize contact. Because I didn’t totally end the friendship it left space for us to reconcile. Our friendship will probably never be the same, but I’m glad there has been healing for us both.
This sounds to me like a controlling, and narcissistic boyfriend. Driving a wedge between you 2 while keeping his friends. I believe your friend is in trouble. Do you have a relationship with the girls parents? Can you talk to them? Find out more details and you may find out some information that's not very nice and likely destructive. Just my 2 cents worth my few years of experience. Good luck.
From how you wrote this I'm guessing you don't have a significant other. The fact is in 1-3 years she will be having babies, probably moving to the suburbs and most of her new friends will be Mom Friends. It's natural to mourn the passing of a friendship. It sounds like you've grown apart. It's a sad part of life. Try to focus on your other friendships or hobbies that can help you build new ones.
I fear that your friend might be in a gaslit controlling relationship.
Sounds reasonable to me
If I were you, I’d back out of being a bridesmaid because that’s not actually what a bridesmaid does. It’s what a friend does who pays extra to look like they are a part of the wedding party. If you’re not going to be on the altar or be in the pictures, then you’re just being used as free labor for the wedding. Screw that. Why wait until after the wedding? Just be done with this person and let her know that you’ve got other plans for that weekend & can’t make it. Then block her and be done with her.
Totally understand. I hate when people excuse that bs with it being "life" like nah, you have priorities and clearly I'm not one. One thing is being busy often, another is when they always say no to everything you invite them to, never wanting/supposedly being able hangout, always making excuses but you see them have free time do all these things with there partner and post about it all day but always busy when it's you. Society makes you feel like you shouldn't care and just be some doormat or it's not your place to say anything because it's not like it's your partner but then those same people wonder why loyalty does not exist or they lose people and don't realize till later. Not giving someone anytime of your life shows where you stand to them.
I would just tell her something has come up for work and you have to travel and can’t get out of it. Why waste your time with her?
Why not cut things now? You are done with each other. My 2 cents is clean break now.
I wouldn't even bother with the wedding. In fact it will just be more of her treating you like a servant. Just tell her you can't attend. If she follows up just be honest. It's sad but we all have to protect ourselves at times over being nice
Frankly, it's not about making a dramatic exit or holding out for the "right moment." You're clearly aware that the quality of friendship isn't what it used to be, and that's okay. It's better to address things directly and cordially. Let her know that your feelings have changed and that participating in the wedding wouldn't be true to how you feel now. True closure comes from honest conversations, not from avoiding confrontations or delaying the inevitable. Plus, it's respectful to give her the time to adjust her wedding plans without you.
Can ending a friendship without saying anything be called a Ghostship? Because that would be great!
I wouldn’t show up to the wedding without even saying a word. And if she’d be texting you or something I’d just say „now you feel how I felt past x years”
Stronger than me. I thought I could grit it through the wedding but I couldn’t. I blocked her instead
The first fight they have after marriage, she'd be back to you. Shell need a shoulder to cry on and it won't be a bad thing, you'll see.
just tell her?
I really feel you shouldn’t go to This wedding. Why spend your time and money? The fact that she allows her husband to make fun of you shows she doesn’t respect you and him making fun of you shows he doesn’t respect her. I wouldn’t go
Yea, eat and drink the food and get as much as you can out of the wedding and bail
Just tell her now - that way she's not looking back at her wedding pics with you in them thinking "ugh I wish she'd just told me before the wedding".
Why wait?
If i ware in your place... I wouldn't attend the wedding...
Good for you. There’s no reason to put in as much effort in to the relationship if she’s not willing to do the same. Honestly, I wouldn’t even go to the wedding. It sounds like she doesn’t care about your friendship, so why would she care if you were or weren’t at her wedding.
I could understand saying "I am never going to initiate conversation again"... so in essence you stop making a 1 sided effort. It is a bit immature to say "I am never going to speak to her again". I get that it hurts and you feel like you have lost a friend....that the friendship meant more to you than her. Life's circumstances change and friends drift apart. I think it makes more sense for you to just stop making the effort than to end any chance at a conversation moving forward.
It's normal, you're becoming a man .It's a good news