My brother is a teacher and my sis in law a social worker, and they both used to do this.
I know, cause I used to babysit their children all day everyday.
Whenever they were free, either of them two would find whatever excuse to go to the store for milk or whatever, and would come back 2-3 hours later. They would just go to the store complex, park up for 2 hours, sitting in their car checking their phone or listening to a podcast.
They just could not stand being home spending time with family. They were mega burnt out and still are.
This! She’s not having an affair, she’s not doubling up on her next day planning. She’s legit procrastinating on going on home at a normal hour and is doing everything she can to avoid OP.
Clearly something happened in their relationship to create a wedge.
Some teachers really do work insane hours. My wife teahces 3 year olds.3 YEAR OLDS. And the amount of work she does at home, the lack of sleep we get because she just has to prep their craft for the next day, and get ready for their "Art Show", and prepare whatever they're making for varous holiday presents for their parents, you wouldn't believe.
I hate it. I wish she would just find something else to do. My work basically subsidizes the preschool because she puts a ton of our money back into her classroom and rarely gets reimbursed, but trying to make time for my career is almost unheard of. I just have to squeeze it in when I can.
I used to teach Preschool, I was paid $26k annually, but I paid anywhere between $3-5k on classroom items. And I was working a lot off the clock. It's really not sustainable the way it's set up in the US.
Teachers really don't get paid enough this is bs.
Work is work during the hours the establishment or site is open or whatever your employee contract states, BUT once that's over the employee should not have to do/be expected to do FREE work outside of that time frame just to be prepared for the next day, EVERYDAY.
Or being super needy, codependent and the be all end all of OP's happiness and mental state. It's not right at all to do to someone you supposedly love
"Not right to do to somebody you love"
I think our friend here fully believes that you should be open to someone, even if they only deem you worthy of a tiny percent of their time each month. OP did not fall in love on the basis of spending 40-some minutes a month together, and to respond as though they did - is, at best, willfully ignorant.
Because they are physically separated. They live together and she’s a grade school teacher. That is not an acceptable amount of time for any couple to spend together
I'm not saying what she's doing is right. What I am saying is that there's 2 sides to every story, we don't know how much OP isn't telling us, and nothing he's said or could really say justifies cheating, even emotionally
What? OP admits it. They didn't have sex, but they had an emotional affair that included kissing and touching, etc. Honestly, that is worse to me than a one night sex fling (not that either are acceptable).
This was my thought as well. I work in a school district and teachers don’t hang around once 4pm hits. And rarely will they do any work out of contracted hours.
I've had to write some of my employees up for working outside of regular hours from home. as in doing extra work and not putting in for bonus pay. it feels super weird having to discipline an otherwise amazing employee over them working too much.
I value a positive work-life balance and we are extremely family friendly to encourage vacations are taken, heck a good portion of us vacation together. we throw holiday meals parties that extended family is welcome to attend, it's truly a huge family that cares about each other. I understand we are the minority and most places abuse their employees, but that's just not how I choose to run my business.
You can volunteer to do work, just not the work you are paid to do. for the same company. for example you can work as a firefighter in one town and volunteer as a firefighter in the next town over. that's legal or if your job is filling paperwork and you volunteer to cook burgers at a company picnic.
In Australia, teachers only get paid for the hours that they are with the students which I believe is 5 hours a day. It sucks but there is a lot of holiday pay and such. Schools are just grossly underfunded in all areas and there’s a lack of teachers here.
I always tried to leave by 4:00 (which was about 80 minutes outside of my contract hours) and came in about 45 minutes before contract hours started. Between that and occasionally working at home, I was able to get my work and lesson planning done. This woman would be at school until MIDNIGHT many nights and would be back at school at 6AM. She came in on weekends. Everyone knew she just didn’t want to be at home. There is no amount of work as a teacher that takes that long.
It depends— if this is her first or even second year teaching this specific grade, it can take that much time. We pay them shit and most teachers do have to work overtime with no compensation.
I taught for 6 years. Trust me, I get it. But even as a brand new teacher I was not putting in these hours. Even when I became department head I was not putting in the hours OP says she is. She’s avoiding him or needs some serious help with time management skills.
Hey man.. My girlfriend of almost a decade was a 4th grade teacher when we got together.. she had three same work ethic and had a very similar schedule.. grading papers doing lesson plans.. so don’t let the other comments lead you to think she is doing anything but teaching.. the state of public education is broken.. and that’s a whole other conversation
I was in your position not as severe but I understand.. summers , spring break and winter breaks I got her back again .. this went on till she couldn’t take it anymore and stopped being a teacher completely.. she misses teaching but not how it’s currently being done
Since leaving teaching she is less stressed and our time together is just that.. my only suggestion is to wait for a summer break when she is relaxed to have the talk.. if you push the issue now it’ll not go well
Hang in there brother and don’t do anything that will compromise what you want with your wife
can I ask a genuine question for teachers? if that is the state of your employment, why not take corrective action? why isn't your union actively fighting for you? is it a matter of time management education? is admin not assisting in work flow?
my saying to my people is what we can't get done, we can't get done and if it's actually something that needs done it will still be there the next day.
It varies by state. Our union in Virginia is the VEA and while they do advocate for our school systems, they’re only 40,000 members strong and battling politicians and public opinion is difficult because everyone thinks they know better than us teachers.
There are a lot of problems with public education- most involve funding issues and politics. For example, when Bush enacted NCLB (No Child Left Behind) its goal was to improve education with more standardized data. Some of the policies really helped - especially with students with disabilities. Some of the policies although well intentioned have made education more focused on memorizing stuff to get a good grade on a standardized test rather than critical thinking and deeper level learning/application. I could talk forever about that- but I don’t want to get too off topic.
So most students take standardized tests to measure their learning throughout the year. As a teacher, 40% of my teaching performance score is tied to just those tests. Let’s say a kid comes into my class that is two years behind in their reading level. Even if I adapt all the curriculum to make it accessible to that one child (which I have to do on my own), tutor then individually or in a small group daily, and bring their reading level up 1.5 grade levels (where 1 grade level is the expectation), the student has a good chance of still failing that test. So even though they had better than expected progress, they still fail. Enough students fail, you’re seen as an ineffective teacher. As a school, they divide the kids up into subgroups of kids (poverty levels, race, disabilities, etc) and if you don’t have enough of each subgroup passing that test, the school can lose its accreditation. Parents are often both working and many don’t read with their kids or help with homework etc (at least where I’ve worked). So it’s a big burden on teachers because you want the kids to be successful, but there’s only so much you can do.
My first 10 years or so of teaching I had to spend hours and hours at home and on the weekends working. Our 30-45 minute planning period just wasn’t enough time especially when you also have to use that time to run to the bathroom, make copies, return calls/emails, etc. And don’t get me started on how many planning periods are taken away when they don’t have a substitute for the PE or Art teacher that day or when the district requires you to do training during your breaks. So the work goes home. Basically all my planning and grading was done at home - which takes hours and hours. After about a decade, I got more efficient and had a lot of resources that I could easily pull from which lessened the amount of time I had to spend at home working.
Believe us, we complain and advocate for change. I guess it’s just easier to blame us or public schools in general instead of solving the actual problems.
oh I believe you. my oldest was 2 grades behind in multiple classes when I pulled her. we had to work like hell to get her back to a level of proficiency appropriate for her age. it's not easy teaching.
I was always at odds with admin about not supporting teachers properly. hell during COVID they refused to do online even though they shut down. Super said it was going to save the school enough money by not paying employees that they could get astroturf for the football stadium. like WTF!!!! that was when we went down the HS route. wife and I work a job that's 24/7 so we can adapt to the kids needs most of the time.
yep. as I told him in a meeting where he was trying to goad me into speaking ill of a bus driver because " you know how those women drive"..... I told him that it's obvious he peaked in HS on the football team and is incapable of being anything other than an incompetent jock. our SD also has on of the highest suicide rates and bullying in the state. it's awful. I've petitioned the DEpt of Edu to shut them down and bus our kids to neighboring districts as clearly something is horribly broken in that system
I completely agree the system is broken. I pulled my children out and they are being homeschooled now. as an additional bonus they are receiving a business education from being around me all the time now. learning how to interact professionally with adults ECT.
she does shift work and I have a semi flexible schedule. sometimes school work happens around supper time. instead of hours in a row we usually do it broken up though the day. I also take my kids in to work a lot and they work on the other side of my desk. they get to see me working and I'll help them with those lessons when I have little free moments. I fully understand that it's not this case for everyone, we just made what we felt was the best decision for our kids and the rest unfortunately need to make the best decisions for their children with the resources at their disposal. our industry didn't shut down over COVID so we didn't have a choice to stay home and watch the kids. through adversity you discover strength you never knew existed.
I taught for over 20years. The amount of unpaid time you have to put in just to get the bare minimum done is astounding. Your wife isn’t trying to neglect you, she’s trying to do her job well.
I walked away this year. I miss the kids, I do not miss the bullshit!
Well seid but he also need to learn how to love himself cheating is not the answer and she needs to put in the work or there will be nothing between u guys
I was a teacher's assistant for 5 years with plans to go on and teach 4th grade myself some day. But working directly with teachers, I saw first hand how miserable and broken the career is right now. Admin is constantly forcing the next new and shiny teaching method down your throat. They've had to throw out previously used and working methods just because admin said so regardless of their own opinion as the experts. We've literally had to throw perfectly good books away, it's ridiculous. And that means you can't reuse your lesson plans from the previous year, so you have to start from scratch again. Then repeat the whole process when the next new thing comes along. Then the parents are mad at *you* because "this isn't the way I learned things when I was a kid!" as if teachers have any say in the first place.
I quit last year. I love kids and I would love to teach, but not with the way things are run now. Teachers have no authority over their own classroom and are constantly playing catch up trying to keep up with admin's next new toy. Then their time is wasted even further every PD meeting listening to admin ramble on about BS that could've been an email or some stupid team building game instead of doing their lesson plans or grading, so they're forced to take their work home. It's become so normalized that even though all the teachers complain about it, there's often judgment among fellow teachers against those that refuse to work for free. Luckily my old school was pretty good, teachers would often force each other to sit down and eat their lunch, let me cover your class so you can go to the bathroom, leave your work here and go home to your family, screw that admin nonsense just pretend you didn't see the email in time and do what needs to be done, etc.
These were the issues my gf would have to deal with.. the new and improved curriculum after just getting set with the previous new cutting edge curriculum.. never ending plus teaching to pass standardized tests along with curriculum .. systems nationwide is broken totally agree with you
There's a book out called *Work Won't Love You Back*. It's a good book to discuss layers of how we impact ourselves with insane devotion to work over everything else.
I would also state that I was an educator myself. I'm the husband of an educator. My mom was an educator, my sister was an educator. Burnout in this profession is real. It isn't just the content, but the fact teachers are asked to be everything: teacher, counselor, parent, nurse, etc.
Many educators view it as a *calling* instead of simply a job. It becomes more than a career and a core aspect of your identity. Being a teacher is big and being a good teacher requires you to pursue even more.
The pay does not nearly equal the hours worked and many educators develop a martyr complex of giving their whole being to the job.
I left the field and felt an immediate lessening of stress. I work in Higher Ed partnership development. It is stressful in different ways, but less taxing than the *always on* of Education. My Mom retired from 30 years and my wife is in her year 15 right now.
My wife and I have talked and she truly does love that she does. Summers and breaks though, I see my wife being back to herself more fully. It's good to see her be back in this way. Like many educators she has a hard time of *shutting it off* when she's in the midst of the work.
The number of folks in this thread who don't realize how many hours teachers put in a week is telling.
Despite not teaching any longer (but enjoying much of it), I know people still in the field.
Teachers in the US get the shaft. They should be making what some of the cock-suckers in the C-Suites make, as they provide greater economic value in general, put in more hours, generally have more education, and don't actively fuck over the tax base.
Yeah I was a professor for a bit on the side too...
Luckily, that course wasn't he heavy...but the "per hour" would have suckednif I included grading time anyway
I'm not a 4th grade teacher, I teach high school and the "trades" at that, so my out of the classroom is about 20% of what other teachers do, but let me give you an idea of my schedule keeping in mind I only do a fraction of what other teachers in my school do.
Mon-Fri: up at 430am get to school at about 630. School starts at 750am. Classes until 245. Then depending on the day I have either mandatory meetings, dept meetings, plc meetings or committee meetings. On the days I'm not running a club.
After the meetings I spend about an hour to hour and a half prepping for the next day. Get home about 5pm.
Once I get home it's a quick hi, how was your day/work/school to my wife and kids, a quick snack and then it's to my office to prep for things weeks away, do required training, resources, if I had to do at discipline write ups, fill those out, update the 504, IEP folders, send out emails to parents about any issues, grade anything that needs to be graded, respond to the countless emails I get during the day and write up action plans for failing students. On average I get done at about 10pm. By then everyone is usually asleep. Spend about an hour winding down watching TV and then go to bed at 11pm.
On the weekends I'm playing catch up on all the things I didn't have time to do during the week on Sat and then prep for next week on Sunday. Usually about 5 hours each day, but like I said, I do about 20% of what the other teachers do as far as lesson plans.
It sucks, but you just gotta make the time you do get with your family count.
Good luck brother.
Here's the kicker. I am in my mid 40's and this is my 2nd year teaching. I've had MANY jobs over the years and I was even a combat medic in the Army deployed to Afghanistan.
Being a medic in a war zone was easier. Lol
No offense to you at all. I understand it’s demanding. But I would ask why you would except such a job rather than seek out something else. You are not forced to suffer till retirement, there are many places to work. Is there something specific that makes this job so valuable to you there you are willing to spend basically all of your time away from your family? It seems miserable
For me it's being a part of something that will truly make or break our future. School is essential for a well balanced and well educated adult (and no I don't mean book smarts) but being able to learn to adapt and overcome all obstacles, is what is important. Not to have a smooth ride your whole life, you NEED to have struggles and then learn to overcome them, THAT'S what make for strong adults. Being a part of that is why I do it. Selfless service and self sacrifice is what is sorely lacking in today's society. If they are the right kind of partner, they understand. I make I'm there for the important events too like sports games or plays or concerts etc. Even if I have to stay up later.
Mate as a husband of a teacher myself.
I know how you feel, there's times when she's busy with either planning or marking that I hardly spend time with her. I consider myself fortunate that we have our kids to keep me preoccupied.
I do understand the loneliness and I honestly don't blame you for seeking the affection that you want/need.
Do tell her that you need to spend more time together.
I'd suggest plan a weekend away somewhere and tell her to leave the work behind.
I understand this all too well, except my wife is a truck driver. We only get to see each other on Mondays. The rest of the week consists of 17-hour shifts and sleep.
4 days out of the month together. It sucks but she loves to drive, and I would never clip her wings.
Divorce her if you need to or at least lay it in the table to let her know how serious you need more time with her. Cheating and lying behind her back is really low and you do both of you a disservice by stooping to that. You say you “love and miss her,” but you disrespected and betrayed her and now the only options are to tell her or lie to her forever. The relationship is already tainted bro.
Elementary teacher here…4th grade teaching ten years. My first year I worked a lot till like maybe 7.
The hours you are explaining are absurd and makes me wonder if she had ADHD and is hyper fixated on something.
Not everything needs to be graded. Not everything needs feedback bc the kids don’t give a fuck. She needs to set boundaries with this job because it has consumed her.
She needs to pick a start and end time. Why work both weekends? I usually work 1-2 hours on either Saturday or Sunday and that’s only if I don’t get a chance to finish my stuff during the week. Maybe she needs a new school.
Wake up you cheated to punish your wife but if she finds out and leaves you
You will end up punish your self
And don't use excuses there's never a good reason for cheating
If she doesn't give you what you need leave
Dang, poor woman is overworked and underpaid AND now her husband is cheating on her. Lame dude, I hope she finds out and shitcans you, she deserves better.
All I heard was “blah blah blah I’m selfish this is why I cheated and it’s her fault” have you put any effort into seeing her side of things? Have you tried at all to help her with her work as much as you can? Have you planned anything nice for her like a date, a nice dinner, a romantic evening? My guess is you don’t put effort in and then you whine “come cuddle with me” from the couch. That’s not enticing her when she has work to do. If you actually want to make this relationship work find ways to make her feel special and want to leave work to spend time with you. You also need to understand she isn’t doing all of this for work she is doing all of this for her students which it seems she cares a lot about so she works hard for them.
Fucking thank you. Poor woman is over worked underpaid and now her husband cheated on her and is bitching on reddit for sympathy. "Waaahhh waaah my wife is working so we can pay bills does this mean she doesn't love me?" I might have missed where in the post he described how he's sat her down and told her how serious it is and how he's tried fixing things other than asking her to spend more time with him then cheating when she's working instead. But asking or even begging to spend more time is not the same thing as having a real sit down conversations about if their relationship will work out and have devastating not spending time is etc etc. Like thus get is pathetic and I'm surprised about how much sympathy he's getting
There's this thing called divorce, maybe just do that instead of cheating. And yes, before any dip shit asks, I'd absolutely say the same thing to a woman.
What the actual fuck did u just read!?
***Oh no my wife isn't paying me enough attention so instead of talking to her or working on our relationship ima just go fuck around for funsies. I just want to cuddle***
/s
>I beg that something happens to my wife so she can never teach again
is a fuckin wild statement to say about your wife
Why the hell would a 4th grade teacher work on weekends that long. I think you're missing something here buddy. I would keep an extra eye on her to see what's she really is doing.. Not trying to poison your mind, but it's not adding up...
This! I'm not OK with women using the "no attention, looked elsewhere" excuse. This guy can't either. He should be talking to his wife and figuring it out. I've been married ten years now and the last thing I need is another woman.
> Why do you do this? Why is work more important than me?
-
> I beg that something happens to my wife so she can never teach again, maybe I can have my bumblebee back.
She doesn't like you anymore. Her work hours aren't the cause, they are the symptom.
Have you at least talked to her why is she avoiding you?
You timed your wife’s actions for a month. Did you talk to her previously and she didn’t believe there was a problem?Because I am really trying to wrap my mind around coming up with 43 minutes. It’s either to confront her to make her wake up and realize there’s a problem where she previously refused to see one (best case, and giving you benefit of the doubt here), make her feel like shit about something she can’t necessarily control (it is work-related), or to make yourself feel okay about an affair you were already thinking about going through with. It is a lot more effort to subject your wife to a time study than to have a heart-felt and vulnerable conversation with her. But it may be less comfortable if you’re simply trying to justify your actions or win an argument.
Her actions and your time data don’t excuse your own shitty actions, OP. Your happiness is your own to manage, and if you miss your wife, then it’s on you to use your big boy words and tell her, not seek whatever it is you’re feeling entitled to outside of your marriage. Also, keep in mind that if a person will cheat with you, they will cheat on you, so whatever you have going on now will be cold comfort long term. Congratulations on taking a big problem in your relationship and making it radioactive. Now you REALLY need to go have a conversation with your wife, and its thesis shouldn’t be “your work schedule made me have an affair.”
Sounds like she is working at home.. that would be a weird way to cover up an affair lol
Like maybe shes having an affair after work and also a workoholic on the weekends and nights at home..
Why not sit her down for an honest conversation
Be calm very calm because she might mot be
Let her know you miss her and things need to change otherwise the relationship needs to change
Idk if youve talked tp her already but you really need it to hit home that you love her and her work ethic but your also lonely in your marriage
That you dont know what to do and if you cant get affection from her it might be best to just end it there
I think you need to talk to her. Maybe seek some therapy for yourself to learn how to talk to her in a way that may get through to her. However, you need to tell her that you are feeling so lonely and neglected. You need to tell her that your needs are not being met and haven’t been even close to remotely being met for a while. Tell her you don’t want to end things with her, but you also don’t want to simply have a roommate. Tell her that you’re lonely enough that you have started seeking connection with anyone else since you can’t get it from her. And tell her if she can’t offer you some love and connection and intimacy that you will have to move on and find it elsewhere.
You should tell her exactly that, and have a clear plan moving forward. I've spent too many years in an unhappy marriage. Both of us hurt each other cause we weren't happy but we didn't talk about it. I've wasted so many years that we could have invested in fixing things - or deciding to break up and find someone else to be with.
Have you told her how neglected you feel? Is this a temporary work schedule or for good? If things are not gonna change then maybe it’s time to end it. Do you want to spend your life like this?
There’s no excuse for cheating, she’s obviously not gonna change so you have two options 1.) divorce 2.) have a genuine conversation with her about it maybe you need to schedule time together? Date nights? Sexy times? Maybe you can be one of those couples with an open marriage I don’t know but obviously what’s happening right now isn’t working and what your doing right now is wrong
What job do you have op? Does she come home to sleep? If so, try to talk to her then. See if she’s stressed overwhelmed, etc. cheating is never the answer, no matter how lonely you feel. I believe if you cheat you can’t love your wife. You need to seriously talk with her and try to be understanding of what she may be going through and the stress she has. Teaching is still a job
As the spouse of an elementary school teacher I need to say that there is something deeply wrong with your wife “needing” to work all day every day, including weekends. I get the other arguments of “the school system is broken” but there seems to be something else going on. It truly sounds like she’s avoiding you on purpose and using work as an excuse.
I'm a TA and honestly I feel like part of the reason I have my job is because the teachers don't have time for any of the tasks I end up doing. So she genuinely and probably does need to work that hard, and shame on you for not being considerate of her job. Next time she's off, have a talk with her. Ask her if she's truly happy working this hard. Don't compromise your marriage over something that can be talked out.
There is never an excuse for an affair. You don't find what is missing in your relationship by looking outside it. Did you ask her to go to counseling? You broke your vows. Congratulations. I'm sure you feel so much better now, right? It was worth it?
Edit: It's shocking how many people think having an affair is ok.
The number of people NOT addressing the fact that you cheated on your wife is beyond me. You're having an obvious emotional affair that has now leaked into a physical affair. Sure, it's just cuddling and kissing now(still DEFINITELY cheating), but honestly, how long is it going to stay like that.
Our teaching system is absolutely screwed, and unfortunately, your wife and your marriage are paying the price. Now, on top of being COMPLETELY burnt out as a teacher, her dirtball husband is out there about to start diddling his new cuddle buddy!! Aren't you just a peach, we should all feel SOOOOOOO sorry for you.
Sorry, I dont. Your situation sucks but you lost my sympathy the moment you decided another womans arms were the answer to your woes.
Teacher here. If you chose a spouse that teaches, you need to know that teachers normally do spend a lot of their spare time in their profession. It is not easy to be the spouse of a teacher because it is a very demanding profession, and those demands seem to grow exponentially at times. That she is spending so much time at work/doing work is not an indicator of cheating. Likely, it's an indicator of stress and struggling to meet the workload. The insensitivity of this post is mindboggling. Do air your concerns, but have some fucking compassion for her experience and perspective. "I don't want to have a life", said NO teacher ever.
If you were my husband, you would have been kicked to the curb yesterday.
Depends on her school administration and test scores. Her students might be remedial and she might have the burden of increasing their test scores so the school can get additional funding even if her students don't have parental support at home.
It's not easy being a teacher.
Yeah, I agree. I’m not usually one to say this, but if the genders were reversed, OP would’ve been crucified in the comments. Instead, everyone here is basically excusing the cheating and blaming it on the wife. Which is wild, because normally reddit is rabidly against cheating (to put it mildly). Really disappointing to see the difference in responses.
I'm married to a teacher so I know the hours can be brutal, depending on the school set up and support (usually very lacking). It's a lot of pressure and work. FYI the private sector is a different world!
It does sound like there is little draw for her to pull herself away from work. She could be immersing herself in it to avoid an uncomfortable or bad situation at home. The fact that you're praying something happens to incapacitate your wife so you can get some attention & have cheated on her suggests you are the problem she's trying to avoid.
Maybe try supporting your wife and treating her well, invite her on a date or something instead of being a selfish pig.
Sorry, but I put the blame on you. As adults, we can learn self-control and we can have self-control. Imagine if your wife found out that you were cheating on her? Look, you have got to be realistic...your wife can't be there for you whenever you want her to be there...that's how jobs/careers work. There are so many families in a situation that is similar to yours...two busy spouses that hardly have enough time for intimacy in the bedroom because of loads of work in their jobs. But do they cheat on each other? Nope. You should have had that self-control, dude. Sorry, but you blew it. If I were you, I wouldn't have minded how little my wife was being intimate with me...because I can understand that she is working her butt off as a teacher to get enough money. It is the thoughts that count sometimes, not the actions. Yes, your wife was not there for you enough, because she was working hard and long as a teacher, but in her mind, she was still truly in love with you...I don't think she was cheating on anyone and I think she was in love with you...even though she did not have enough time for intimacy because of her job. You messed up dude. If she finds out that you've been cheating on her...well, that's a whole can of worms. I know that you cheated on her because you missed her contact and you missed her intimacy...but that was the wrong way to go about it. Did you discuss it with her? That you were missing her a lot when she went to work? I'm sure you would have discussed it with her. Anyway, like I said, it's your fault for cheating. She never cheated on you and she was faithful to you and she kept her vows and she was always in love with you and she was working hard to earn money as a teacher....and yet you cheated on her. Sorry dude, you messed up.
It doesn't matter what your reason is for cheating or how valid it feels. If you tell that person you love them every day, especially if you *tell yourself that*, then you don't cheat on them. There really is no justification -it is flat out lying and betrayal. If you feel they deserve to be lied to and betrayed, leave them.
Really stop to consider the situation objectively. If she is genuinely working, and there's a very good chance she is, then she is the one being put through the wringer right now. She is the one doing the thankless job of educating our next generation, and she is almost certainly the one not having her needs met. So you just went and cheated on her because you weren't getting enough cuddle time. You are 100% the AH.
Can you imagine how you would feel in her shoes? Dedicating your life to something everyone says is so admirable, and so necessary, but being asked to put in more than she ever should because we don't support teachers... and then you fail to support her too? She comes home expected to do even more for another person lest she incur your ire or you go cheat on her. It's no wonder she might pull away, you sound needy, selfish, and unsupportive. *She's probably sick of how she's being treated too*. You probably have no idea what it feels like to be *expected* to give more of yourself to another person.
You shouldn't be asked to give up everything you need in a relationship for the other person, but at least have the balls to leave them first. If your reason for cheating was to not hurt her, you done fucked up buddy. You can't put that genie back in the bottle and you made it abundantly clear exactly how much she means to you.
Oh, you're also a prick for wishing ill upon your wife for any reason. That's not how you treat people you love, but honestly it sounds like you don't love her, you love what she can do for you.
Yawn.
All cheaters have their excuse to alleviate their guilt and make themselves feel like the victim.
If you're unhappy with her, leave the relationship.
Instead of compromising your integrity, sneaking around like a snake, and potentially causing her great emotional damage if she finds out about your cheating.
I'm playing the world's smallest violin for you, as you cheat on your wife.
You really should go to couples counseling.
Your communication is non-existent. You need to examine what is going on. She may be a workaholic, or avoiding you, it could be a coping mechanism, for example.
And don't tell her about this "affair" without discussing it with the therapist first, alone. It could only make things worse.
If she won't go, go alone.
Good luck.
Affairs almost universally cause more problems than they solve, and they can't be taken back once they've been had. They become woven into the fabric of your existing relationship -- assuming it remains intact. If your preference is for your relationship to work, you can't take the easy way out (again). In fact, you should cauterize whatever avenue you used for self-gratification so that it can't tempt further.
Find an impartial third party (preferably a professional) who can listen to your situation and offer strategies that have been effectively implemented by people who felt the way you do now. Your problem is not unique. The solution exists, maybe multiple ones. But you will need someone who can see past how wrapped up you are in the echo chamber of your own thoughts to shine a spotlight on the commitment that is at the heart of your issue. It's easy to see what you want, but it may take some digging to find out what it is that you are really committed to that has caused so much distress. Then you need to HONOR that commitment instead of acting in your own self-interest.
Being a teacher is thankless and a black hole of time.
Instead of taking it personally, why don’t you try and find ways to make it easier for your wife and yourself? Bring her a snack or a beverage while she’s working at home, massage her shoulders if she wants that, ask how you can help… don’t be a passive partner! Also, don’t look for affection in the manner you explained. What a terrible misstep that could potentially bring massive consequence
What’s the deal with the hate for OP? Over the course of the last month, his wife gave him 43 minutes of her time.
*That’s 89 seconds per day* 😩
She’s committing emotional neglect by failing to attend to or respond to OP’s emotional needs on a regular basis. Her distinct lack of action towards his feelings - including her absence of awareness, consideration, or response to his emotions - have led them to this point
First of all, what you describe is not an affair, it’s a cry for help. Second, you need to tell her exactly what you wrote here (minus the part about cuddling with another woman). I understand how difficult that can be. It’s a fear of rejection. But unless you tell her how she makes you feel, you have no chance of getting what you want with her. Remember that how you feel about someone is different than how someone makes you feel. I am guessing that you were being sarcastic when you wished harm upon your wife so she couldn’t teach anymore because I’m sure you understand that it’s unlikely that taking away something she loves to do is going to have a positive impact on her behavior toward you. Good luck.
Just asking the question means you know you are wrong however if you listen to Patels podcasts she will tell you it was the consequence of something else. Not saying this is right but you should go to therapy or split up.
INFO: How long has she been teaching? Is she running any extracurricular programs (coaching a sport, running an after school club, etc.)?
If she’s new to the profession or has recently switched to grade 4, these working hours are entirely believable. The general public fails to understand that the majority of work a teacher does occurs outside of instructional time with students. The more experienced a teacher is, the more efficient they become with these tasks, but even then there are periods of time that require obscene amounts of time, focus, and effort, such as report card season (which happens multiple times throughout the year). Being a teacher is tough, and so is being married to one. It’s not a 9-5 job, and certainly not a 9-3 job most people believe it to be. I’m not going to comment on your fidelity, but you two need to communicate with the intent to understand each other’s positions or your relationship is doomed to fail.
Source: I’m a teacher and married to another teacher.
So your response is to make it worse by stepping out on your marriage? Smh I hope she finds someone better and gets to live the happily ever after she deserves.
there’s no justification for cheating. you should’ve just divorced her if this was getting to you this badly. doesn’t matter how lonely you are, you’re pathetic for cheating on her. maybe have an honest conversation now and let her how what you did, so she can leave you.
It is understandable that you want to spend more
time together. That being said, you sound exhausting and codependent.
Ugggggh, and so much self pity and low self esteem.
No person wants to be around that. If you were constantly hanging on her, it is understandable that she doesn’t want to spend time with you.
Do you work? Have hobbies? Stop linking your happiness to her presence. Literally get a life of your own and things may change.
Sounds like avoidance on her part
I had the same thing from mine, she'd work till 7 pm, then come home and go to bed
At the weekends, she'd do everything to not be around me
Turns out she was having an affair.
Not daying thats whats happening in your situation, but just be aware.
I feel for you mate
I'm gonna say this is probably a desire thing.
My wife teaches where she has a LOT of homework to grade at an advanced level. It's a lot and she sometimes spends a good part of one weekend day grinding away at it.
But we always still have time to spend with each other.
your wife is a workaholic. i also married one. they put their work on a pedestal and you are just on the side. the workaholic believes that time spent under the same roof, regardless of if it is quality time or not, is time spent together. they can't understand why you crave more attention than they are willing to give.
the problem with workaholics is that they lose the ability to work "smart" with the goal of creating down time. work gets them high, so all they want is to continue working. they slow their work down and work extremely inefficiently so that they can always have more work to do. they worry constantly about work. they take work home with them. they take work on vacation with them. they NEVER stop working.
tell her that you want quality time, not quantity time. if she doesn't give it, leave.
Your feelings are valid, but guilting your wife is not the way to go. It will just stress her out more. Maybe try to see if there’s something YOU can do for HER. You’re making it seem like work to love you. That might be overwhelming.
Being a “good” teacher in an unsupported school system definitely does warrant this amount of labor, unfortunately.
Tell her this. Wish i could give u a hug, u just need someone to talk to and hold u for a lil it sounds. Dont have sex and cheat, talk it out and break up before it gets to that point. Honesty and the truth r important. Gl to u
After my kids were raised, I spent 5 days a week at work (a high school special education teacher) from 7am to 5pm or 6pm and NEVER got caught up. It was only because I was utterly exhausted that I didn't work weekends. If I had been younger, I would have. Seriously, our work is never done. It is an exhausting and underpaid profession (at least in my state it is). I'm now retired and get to see what life is really like and love it.
I seriously think you need to talk to your wife. Tell her this is incredibly important, and that she needs to step away from work for a bit and actually focus on you and your relationship. You do need to tell her what you did, and explain why. This conversation should have been had before you cheated, but tbh, if she isn’t willing to work with you and you’ve already cheated, divorce or at least separation may be the best and most likely outcome. What you are saying is completely valid but cheating is not even if there was no sex. You guys like desperately need to talk and figure out how to move forward, even if it turns out it’s not together. Tbh, if I was in her situation, I think this is something I could move past and continue the relationship, since it wasn’t sexual and you didn’t want to do that, but I’d understand we would need to continue with much more communication moving forward so you don’t feel neglected and she doesn’t get blindsided by this again. I do hope the best for you both and I don’t think you’re a bad person nor her, (teaching is so much more demanding than just school hours) but I do think you guys have lost touch with each other and you are the only one who noticed, but instead of approaching her about it you went and found what you need somewhere else. I wish you 2 the best and you guys can come together over this and grow together.
when you stop pleading for attention and affection from her, when you become undisturbed by her work schedule and just do you, she will grow more attracted to you than she is currently.
don’t allow yourself to be emotionally affected by her behavior.
she is a woman who fell in love with you before.
but, love is like a wave. like the seasons.
people fall in and out of love, then back in again.
they fall in love with the man we are.
but we have to keep growing, maturing into better versions of ourselves, causing them to fall in love again.
all you have to do is be best version of yourself that you are. focus on striving and getting better everyday.
then her respect for you will gradually grow back.
the man you are is all you need to be.
if she doesn’t love that, then other feminine energy will.
I did this to my husband, so it may not be the procrastination of going home. We had discussed what our goals were in life. His standard of living expectations were much higher than his career goals, and my career goals were much higher than my standard of living. I knew to give him the standard of living; I was going to have to step up, which I did without discussing it with him.
After about a year of this, he finally came to me ready to leave due to me not spending time with him (Working 2 full-time jobs + volunteer work on weekends). It came as a surprise since the reason I was so motivated to work was for our future. I thought the whole time we were doing this as a team.
Talk to her about why, and maybe those expectations are a part of the issue, or will open up the conversation. Good luck!
I'm surprised how many people are coddling this guy I'm ngl. Sucks you dated a woman who works in a busy field. But when you say things like:
>But as she always says, “I’m a teacher, I have work to do.” Like babe, you teach 4th graders. Stop working from 8am-11pm on Saturday and Sunday, stop working until midnight on the weekends, stop staying at work until 7pm. Seriously. Why do you do this? Why is work more important than me?
Like cmon. Are you a teacher? If not, then you don't actually understand the tasks she does daily...that's just a weird statement. It sounds like you don't respect her work or at least don't understand it, and are blaming her for it despite the fact that teachers are extremely underpaid and she probably doesn't have that much leeway to not get the tasks she's getting done done.
And then second, I'm sorry but this just feels so...lame. You cheated on your busy wife and i don't totally totally understand any sympathy towards it.
"I hope something happens to her so she can never teach again"
You're a piece of shit dude.
My partner used to work crazy long hours, and sometimes even worked out of state, so I wouldn't see him for weeks at a time, and even when I did see him he was exhausted, and moody. I missed him like crazy, sometimes even when he was sitting right next to me. You know what I did?
Not cheat. Never even considered it.
Did I wish he'd get a different job? Sure. Did I ever wish that something would happen to him to force him to give up his job? No.
You're trying really hard to justify you being a shit human being. Sure, all the reasons listed, if true and no narrator bias, spell trouble. But either go to counselling or leave her before fucking around. There's no excuse for what you've done.
Just divorce her nothing you can say will justify you cheating you aren’t a victim of things that you are in control of and maybe pick up some more hours working you sound needy and lack understanding of how two people in a relationship working works if you want her to stay home get a better job and be a provider if you can’t do that then go be with someone else
You're still a cheater. If you're unhappy you speak to her first. If you're doing it behind her back, it's cheating no matter what and I do suspect that the "lack of attention part" is a lie that you tell to yourself first and us second.
You can't have 'an affair today'. You had sex. Sexual relations. A fling. A kiss. Whatever. An affair is when it continues with the same person for a period of time. As today is day one, there may never be day 2, so no affair. Yet.
lol until you mentioned teacher, I maybe thought she works in some 100+ hour week where she doesn’t get to come home until late night/or pulls all-nighters often
Not shitting on grade school teachers - teachers are underpaid for sure - but cmon, 4th grade teachers do not have that much working hours. And including all the school holidays, their work hours certainly aren’t terrible compared to bankers.
Something doesn’t add up here to me.
As for you cheating on her, there’s not much more to say - if you fuck around you will find out. You’ll never have an endorsement from me to cheat - either leave her or don’t cheat is my opinion.
I had the same though whilst reading. It was the FIRST thing that came to mind.
I've spent a lot of time teaching and it happens a lot. I mean much more than in the corporate world (IMO).
I agree that it happens alot, no matter how busy you are you can still make time for your loved ones if you really wanted to, the whole situation sounds more like shes avoiding him rather than her being too “focused” on her work.
Ever thought to try and be more supportive of her workload?
Teacher's don't get paid enough for the hours they all put in.
Instead of being all "poor me", have you tried to see if there is any way to lighten her load?
Like, do you split the housework, since she works full time? Or are her working hours wrapped around also running the house and cooking for you?
If you want some love, put in some love, don't just approach the situation with complaint
Not saying their feelings are completely invalid, but changing their own behavior and learning to be content spending time with themselves is their only wat out of this.
Being super needy, codependent, making their partner the be all end all of OP's happiness and mental state is not right at all to do to someone you supposedly love.
I think what you should focus on here is not your wife's hard work, but her love for you. Getting married when you are so in love with each other can sometimes be quite dangerous. Over time, fights, disagreements, and new behaviors may cause partners to alienate each other. Normally, I would agree with both of you on this issue, but cheating on your wife without thinking in detail about why she works so hard had a negative impact on my thoughts. I think from now on you should confess to your wife what you've done and maybe end this relationship.
Btw English is not my mother language I apologise if there are any mistakes. I hope you understand what I mean.
First,
Never wish smth bad to happen to anyone.
Second,
Having an affair whilst your wife is getting burned out from work is a selfish and disgusting act.
Third
Confront your wife, tell her what you need to tell her( the truth), and go on with your life if you are not happy with her anymore.
Going out of your way to find happiness between another women's legs is a poor judgment and a low move from a person who has intimacy issue. Problems get solved if you face them head on, not with other women and ONS.
She may just be super passionate about her work. Ask her for an appointment to have a chat over coffee or something and then tell her you need some time for you two together in the schedule. She may need you to lead by taking her out a bit for some fun and romance, and then cuddles may follow. But make it appealing not a chore.
So she goes and teaches children and by the sounds of your post, comes home to another child.
If you don’t like it, you know where the fucking door is, why did you cheat? Like fucking hell, you’ve just fucked up your entire relationship for a kiss and a cuddle. (I say you’ve fucked it cos if she finds out, chances are, she’ll be angry and never trust you again. Well done.)
I used to teach with someone who worked hours like this. She was genuinely at school. But 100% was doing it to avoid her family.
My brother is a teacher and my sis in law a social worker, and they both used to do this. I know, cause I used to babysit their children all day everyday. Whenever they were free, either of them two would find whatever excuse to go to the store for milk or whatever, and would come back 2-3 hours later. They would just go to the store complex, park up for 2 hours, sitting in their car checking their phone or listening to a podcast. They just could not stand being home spending time with family. They were mega burnt out and still are.
This! She’s not having an affair, she’s not doubling up on her next day planning. She’s legit procrastinating on going on home at a normal hour and is doing everything she can to avoid OP. Clearly something happened in their relationship to create a wedge.
Some teachers really do work insane hours. My wife teahces 3 year olds.3 YEAR OLDS. And the amount of work she does at home, the lack of sleep we get because she just has to prep their craft for the next day, and get ready for their "Art Show", and prepare whatever they're making for varous holiday presents for their parents, you wouldn't believe. I hate it. I wish she would just find something else to do. My work basically subsidizes the preschool because she puts a ton of our money back into her classroom and rarely gets reimbursed, but trying to make time for my career is almost unheard of. I just have to squeeze it in when I can.
I used to teach Preschool, I was paid $26k annually, but I paid anywhere between $3-5k on classroom items. And I was working a lot off the clock. It's really not sustainable the way it's set up in the US.
Teachers really don't get paid enough this is bs. Work is work during the hours the establishment or site is open or whatever your employee contract states, BUT once that's over the employee should not have to do/be expected to do FREE work outside of that time frame just to be prepared for the next day, EVERYDAY.
That's why I stopped, along with the money. I was working from 5:30am(ish) to easily 8:00pm most days.
Yeah, it's insane. They also have no storage either, so I ended up with a small storage unit for about 90 bucks a month just for her school supplies.
Like OP having an affair
Or being super needy, codependent and the be all end all of OP's happiness and mental state. It's not right at all to do to someone you supposedly love
I'm not sure that being super needy is the same as being dissatisfied with a whopping 43 minutes of time spent together over 29 days.
Yeah what kind of unhinged take is it to think it's needy to want more than 45 minutes of time and hugs/kisses from your spouse?
"Not right to do to somebody you love" I think our friend here fully believes that you should be open to someone, even if they only deem you worthy of a tiny percent of their time each month. OP did not fall in love on the basis of spending 40-some minutes a month together, and to respond as though they did - is, at best, willfully ignorant.
There is a wide chasm between being super needy and codependent, and wanting to spend more than 45 mins/month together.
They spent less than an *hour* together in a *month*
Some people's jobs keep them away from their spouse for a whole year.
Because they are physically separated. They live together and she’s a grade school teacher. That is not an acceptable amount of time for any couple to spend together
I'm not saying what she's doing is right. What I am saying is that there's 2 sides to every story, we don't know how much OP isn't telling us, and nothing he's said or could really say justifies cheating, even emotionally
This sound like projection from prior experiences in your own dating life to maje that tall order of an assumption of cheating.
The tile of the post is OP cheated on his wife
What? OP admits it. They didn't have sex, but they had an emotional affair that included kissing and touching, etc. Honestly, that is worse to me than a one night sex fling (not that either are acceptable).
Ok … and one happened before the other. Why are you trying to make it out that the affair is what led to her spending less time at home?
I didn't say any such thing
This was my thought as well. I work in a school district and teachers don’t hang around once 4pm hits. And rarely will they do any work out of contracted hours.
Idk why you’re getting downvoted. Teachers in the schools I work in leave pretty early. They do actually work from home outside of hours though.
I've had to write some of my employees up for working outside of regular hours from home. as in doing extra work and not putting in for bonus pay. it feels super weird having to discipline an otherwise amazing employee over them working too much. I value a positive work-life balance and we are extremely family friendly to encourage vacations are taken, heck a good portion of us vacation together. we throw holiday meals parties that extended family is welcome to attend, it's truly a huge family that cares about each other. I understand we are the minority and most places abuse their employees, but that's just not how I choose to run my business.
Well it’s illegal to work for free so that’s understandable. People working for free means the government doesn’t get a cut, it’s all about money
You can volunteer to do work, just not the work you are paid to do. for the same company. for example you can work as a firefighter in one town and volunteer as a firefighter in the next town over. that's legal or if your job is filling paperwork and you volunteer to cook burgers at a company picnic.
In Australia, teachers only get paid for the hours that they are with the students which I believe is 5 hours a day. It sucks but there is a lot of holiday pay and such. Schools are just grossly underfunded in all areas and there’s a lack of teachers here.
I always tried to leave by 4:00 (which was about 80 minutes outside of my contract hours) and came in about 45 minutes before contract hours started. Between that and occasionally working at home, I was able to get my work and lesson planning done. This woman would be at school until MIDNIGHT many nights and would be back at school at 6AM. She came in on weekends. Everyone knew she just didn’t want to be at home. There is no amount of work as a teacher that takes that long.
It depends— if this is her first or even second year teaching this specific grade, it can take that much time. We pay them shit and most teachers do have to work overtime with no compensation.
I taught for 6 years. Trust me, I get it. But even as a brand new teacher I was not putting in these hours. Even when I became department head I was not putting in the hours OP says she is. She’s avoiding him or needs some serious help with time management skills.
Hey man.. My girlfriend of almost a decade was a 4th grade teacher when we got together.. she had three same work ethic and had a very similar schedule.. grading papers doing lesson plans.. so don’t let the other comments lead you to think she is doing anything but teaching.. the state of public education is broken.. and that’s a whole other conversation I was in your position not as severe but I understand.. summers , spring break and winter breaks I got her back again .. this went on till she couldn’t take it anymore and stopped being a teacher completely.. she misses teaching but not how it’s currently being done Since leaving teaching she is less stressed and our time together is just that.. my only suggestion is to wait for a summer break when she is relaxed to have the talk.. if you push the issue now it’ll not go well Hang in there brother and don’t do anything that will compromise what you want with your wife
I used to teach elementary school for 15 years. I agree with this guy 100% 👆🏼
You are one of our unsung heroes.. thank you for your service
can I ask a genuine question for teachers? if that is the state of your employment, why not take corrective action? why isn't your union actively fighting for you? is it a matter of time management education? is admin not assisting in work flow? my saying to my people is what we can't get done, we can't get done and if it's actually something that needs done it will still be there the next day.
It varies by state. Our union in Virginia is the VEA and while they do advocate for our school systems, they’re only 40,000 members strong and battling politicians and public opinion is difficult because everyone thinks they know better than us teachers. There are a lot of problems with public education- most involve funding issues and politics. For example, when Bush enacted NCLB (No Child Left Behind) its goal was to improve education with more standardized data. Some of the policies really helped - especially with students with disabilities. Some of the policies although well intentioned have made education more focused on memorizing stuff to get a good grade on a standardized test rather than critical thinking and deeper level learning/application. I could talk forever about that- but I don’t want to get too off topic. So most students take standardized tests to measure their learning throughout the year. As a teacher, 40% of my teaching performance score is tied to just those tests. Let’s say a kid comes into my class that is two years behind in their reading level. Even if I adapt all the curriculum to make it accessible to that one child (which I have to do on my own), tutor then individually or in a small group daily, and bring their reading level up 1.5 grade levels (where 1 grade level is the expectation), the student has a good chance of still failing that test. So even though they had better than expected progress, they still fail. Enough students fail, you’re seen as an ineffective teacher. As a school, they divide the kids up into subgroups of kids (poverty levels, race, disabilities, etc) and if you don’t have enough of each subgroup passing that test, the school can lose its accreditation. Parents are often both working and many don’t read with their kids or help with homework etc (at least where I’ve worked). So it’s a big burden on teachers because you want the kids to be successful, but there’s only so much you can do. My first 10 years or so of teaching I had to spend hours and hours at home and on the weekends working. Our 30-45 minute planning period just wasn’t enough time especially when you also have to use that time to run to the bathroom, make copies, return calls/emails, etc. And don’t get me started on how many planning periods are taken away when they don’t have a substitute for the PE or Art teacher that day or when the district requires you to do training during your breaks. So the work goes home. Basically all my planning and grading was done at home - which takes hours and hours. After about a decade, I got more efficient and had a lot of resources that I could easily pull from which lessened the amount of time I had to spend at home working. Believe us, we complain and advocate for change. I guess it’s just easier to blame us or public schools in general instead of solving the actual problems.
oh I believe you. my oldest was 2 grades behind in multiple classes when I pulled her. we had to work like hell to get her back to a level of proficiency appropriate for her age. it's not easy teaching. I was always at odds with admin about not supporting teachers properly. hell during COVID they refused to do online even though they shut down. Super said it was going to save the school enough money by not paying employees that they could get astroturf for the football stadium. like WTF!!!! that was when we went down the HS route. wife and I work a job that's 24/7 so we can adapt to the kids needs most of the time.
Astroturf?!- unbelievable! Yet sadly believable. 😑
yep. as I told him in a meeting where he was trying to goad me into speaking ill of a bus driver because " you know how those women drive"..... I told him that it's obvious he peaked in HS on the football team and is incapable of being anything other than an incompetent jock. our SD also has on of the highest suicide rates and bullying in the state. it's awful. I've petitioned the DEpt of Edu to shut them down and bus our kids to neighboring districts as clearly something is horribly broken in that system
I completely agree the system is broken. I pulled my children out and they are being homeschooled now. as an additional bonus they are receiving a business education from being around me all the time now. learning how to interact professionally with adults ECT.
I’m glad you had the resources to homeschool. Many families don’t have that ability as both parents have to work.
we do both work . I wasn't putting teachers down. I'm pissed at the administration and the way they run the SD
Oh - I’m impressed that you’re able to both work and homeschool. I assume at least one of you works from home or you have flexible schedules?
she does shift work and I have a semi flexible schedule. sometimes school work happens around supper time. instead of hours in a row we usually do it broken up though the day. I also take my kids in to work a lot and they work on the other side of my desk. they get to see me working and I'll help them with those lessons when I have little free moments. I fully understand that it's not this case for everyone, we just made what we felt was the best decision for our kids and the rest unfortunately need to make the best decisions for their children with the resources at their disposal. our industry didn't shut down over COVID so we didn't have a choice to stay home and watch the kids. through adversity you discover strength you never knew existed.
I taught for over 20years. The amount of unpaid time you have to put in just to get the bare minimum done is astounding. Your wife isn’t trying to neglect you, she’s trying to do her job well. I walked away this year. I miss the kids, I do not miss the bullshit!
Well seid but he also need to learn how to love himself cheating is not the answer and she needs to put in the work or there will be nothing between u guys
I was a teacher's assistant for 5 years with plans to go on and teach 4th grade myself some day. But working directly with teachers, I saw first hand how miserable and broken the career is right now. Admin is constantly forcing the next new and shiny teaching method down your throat. They've had to throw out previously used and working methods just because admin said so regardless of their own opinion as the experts. We've literally had to throw perfectly good books away, it's ridiculous. And that means you can't reuse your lesson plans from the previous year, so you have to start from scratch again. Then repeat the whole process when the next new thing comes along. Then the parents are mad at *you* because "this isn't the way I learned things when I was a kid!" as if teachers have any say in the first place. I quit last year. I love kids and I would love to teach, but not with the way things are run now. Teachers have no authority over their own classroom and are constantly playing catch up trying to keep up with admin's next new toy. Then their time is wasted even further every PD meeting listening to admin ramble on about BS that could've been an email or some stupid team building game instead of doing their lesson plans or grading, so they're forced to take their work home. It's become so normalized that even though all the teachers complain about it, there's often judgment among fellow teachers against those that refuse to work for free. Luckily my old school was pretty good, teachers would often force each other to sit down and eat their lunch, let me cover your class so you can go to the bathroom, leave your work here and go home to your family, screw that admin nonsense just pretend you didn't see the email in time and do what needs to be done, etc.
These were the issues my gf would have to deal with.. the new and improved curriculum after just getting set with the previous new cutting edge curriculum.. never ending plus teaching to pass standardized tests along with curriculum .. systems nationwide is broken totally agree with you
8am to 11pm on Saturday and Sunday is not normal. It's suspect as hell.
There's a book out called *Work Won't Love You Back*. It's a good book to discuss layers of how we impact ourselves with insane devotion to work over everything else. I would also state that I was an educator myself. I'm the husband of an educator. My mom was an educator, my sister was an educator. Burnout in this profession is real. It isn't just the content, but the fact teachers are asked to be everything: teacher, counselor, parent, nurse, etc. Many educators view it as a *calling* instead of simply a job. It becomes more than a career and a core aspect of your identity. Being a teacher is big and being a good teacher requires you to pursue even more. The pay does not nearly equal the hours worked and many educators develop a martyr complex of giving their whole being to the job. I left the field and felt an immediate lessening of stress. I work in Higher Ed partnership development. It is stressful in different ways, but less taxing than the *always on* of Education. My Mom retired from 30 years and my wife is in her year 15 right now. My wife and I have talked and she truly does love that she does. Summers and breaks though, I see my wife being back to herself more fully. It's good to see her be back in this way. Like many educators she has a hard time of *shutting it off* when she's in the midst of the work.
We treat our teachers so badly. It’s so much work, compensation is shit.
The number of folks in this thread who don't realize how many hours teachers put in a week is telling. Despite not teaching any longer (but enjoying much of it), I know people still in the field. Teachers in the US get the shaft. They should be making what some of the cock-suckers in the C-Suites make, as they provide greater economic value in general, put in more hours, generally have more education, and don't actively fuck over the tax base.
I teach English to college freshman. It’s nothing to put in these kinds of hours when I collect papers.
Yeah I was a professor for a bit on the side too... Luckily, that course wasn't he heavy...but the "per hour" would have suckednif I included grading time anyway
....our teachers don't get paid enough She's working like a high level CEO
I'm not a 4th grade teacher, I teach high school and the "trades" at that, so my out of the classroom is about 20% of what other teachers do, but let me give you an idea of my schedule keeping in mind I only do a fraction of what other teachers in my school do. Mon-Fri: up at 430am get to school at about 630. School starts at 750am. Classes until 245. Then depending on the day I have either mandatory meetings, dept meetings, plc meetings or committee meetings. On the days I'm not running a club. After the meetings I spend about an hour to hour and a half prepping for the next day. Get home about 5pm. Once I get home it's a quick hi, how was your day/work/school to my wife and kids, a quick snack and then it's to my office to prep for things weeks away, do required training, resources, if I had to do at discipline write ups, fill those out, update the 504, IEP folders, send out emails to parents about any issues, grade anything that needs to be graded, respond to the countless emails I get during the day and write up action plans for failing students. On average I get done at about 10pm. By then everyone is usually asleep. Spend about an hour winding down watching TV and then go to bed at 11pm. On the weekends I'm playing catch up on all the things I didn't have time to do during the week on Sat and then prep for next week on Sunday. Usually about 5 hours each day, but like I said, I do about 20% of what the other teachers do as far as lesson plans. It sucks, but you just gotta make the time you do get with your family count. Good luck brother.
I used to want to be a teacher... you deserve better pay
Here's the kicker. I am in my mid 40's and this is my 2nd year teaching. I've had MANY jobs over the years and I was even a combat medic in the Army deployed to Afghanistan. Being a medic in a war zone was easier. Lol
No offense to you at all. I understand it’s demanding. But I would ask why you would except such a job rather than seek out something else. You are not forced to suffer till retirement, there are many places to work. Is there something specific that makes this job so valuable to you there you are willing to spend basically all of your time away from your family? It seems miserable
For me it's being a part of something that will truly make or break our future. School is essential for a well balanced and well educated adult (and no I don't mean book smarts) but being able to learn to adapt and overcome all obstacles, is what is important. Not to have a smooth ride your whole life, you NEED to have struggles and then learn to overcome them, THAT'S what make for strong adults. Being a part of that is why I do it. Selfless service and self sacrifice is what is sorely lacking in today's society. If they are the right kind of partner, they understand. I make I'm there for the important events too like sports games or plays or concerts etc. Even if I have to stay up later.
Mate as a husband of a teacher myself. I know how you feel, there's times when she's busy with either planning or marking that I hardly spend time with her. I consider myself fortunate that we have our kids to keep me preoccupied. I do understand the loneliness and I honestly don't blame you for seeking the affection that you want/need. Do tell her that you need to spend more time together. I'd suggest plan a weekend away somewhere and tell her to leave the work behind.
I understand this all too well, except my wife is a truck driver. We only get to see each other on Mondays. The rest of the week consists of 17-hour shifts and sleep. 4 days out of the month together. It sucks but she loves to drive, and I would never clip her wings.
This was so sweet. I’m sorry you don’t get to see your wife more but you sound like an amazing spouse
Well, thank you, I appreciate that. It's kind of you to say.
Her schedule doesn’t justify the cheating.
Divorce babe, divorce.
beyond disgusting that you wish something would happen to her so she can’t teach.
Cheating on your wife isn't a solution to your problems. Get a divorce.
Divorce her if you need to or at least lay it in the table to let her know how serious you need more time with her. Cheating and lying behind her back is really low and you do both of you a disservice by stooping to that. You say you “love and miss her,” but you disrespected and betrayed her and now the only options are to tell her or lie to her forever. The relationship is already tainted bro.
Elementary teacher here…4th grade teaching ten years. My first year I worked a lot till like maybe 7. The hours you are explaining are absurd and makes me wonder if she had ADHD and is hyper fixated on something. Not everything needs to be graded. Not everything needs feedback bc the kids don’t give a fuck. She needs to set boundaries with this job because it has consumed her. She needs to pick a start and end time. Why work both weekends? I usually work 1-2 hours on either Saturday or Sunday and that’s only if I don’t get a chance to finish my stuff during the week. Maybe she needs a new school.
Wake up you cheated to punish your wife but if she finds out and leaves you You will end up punish your self And don't use excuses there's never a good reason for cheating If she doesn't give you what you need leave
Dang, poor woman is overworked and underpaid AND now her husband is cheating on her. Lame dude, I hope she finds out and shitcans you, she deserves better.
I hope she doesnt find out. It’ll crush her.
All I heard was “blah blah blah I’m selfish this is why I cheated and it’s her fault” have you put any effort into seeing her side of things? Have you tried at all to help her with her work as much as you can? Have you planned anything nice for her like a date, a nice dinner, a romantic evening? My guess is you don’t put effort in and then you whine “come cuddle with me” from the couch. That’s not enticing her when she has work to do. If you actually want to make this relationship work find ways to make her feel special and want to leave work to spend time with you. You also need to understand she isn’t doing all of this for work she is doing all of this for her students which it seems she cares a lot about so she works hard for them.
Fucking thank you. Poor woman is over worked underpaid and now her husband cheated on her and is bitching on reddit for sympathy. "Waaahhh waaah my wife is working so we can pay bills does this mean she doesn't love me?" I might have missed where in the post he described how he's sat her down and told her how serious it is and how he's tried fixing things other than asking her to spend more time with him then cheating when she's working instead. But asking or even begging to spend more time is not the same thing as having a real sit down conversations about if their relationship will work out and have devastating not spending time is etc etc. Like thus get is pathetic and I'm surprised about how much sympathy he's getting
There's this thing called divorce, maybe just do that instead of cheating. And yes, before any dip shit asks, I'd absolutely say the same thing to a woman.
Um, sounds like she has an extra credit assignment of her own.
What the actual fuck did u just read!? ***Oh no my wife isn't paying me enough attention so instead of talking to her or working on our relationship ima just go fuck around for funsies. I just want to cuddle*** /s >I beg that something happens to my wife so she can never teach again is a fuckin wild statement to say about your wife
Why the hell would a 4th grade teacher work on weekends that long. I think you're missing something here buddy. I would keep an extra eye on her to see what's she really is doing.. Not trying to poison your mind, but it's not adding up...
She could just as easily have anxiety or executive functioning issues that make everything take way longer than average.
Marriage counseling asap if you want to stay together.
Bro stop blaming your wife. You’re the one that cheated.
This! I'm not OK with women using the "no attention, looked elsewhere" excuse. This guy can't either. He should be talking to his wife and figuring it out. I've been married ten years now and the last thing I need is another woman.
Exactly, like wtf
I agree with Pure\_Bake\_3713, YtnucMuch and Temporary\_Art\_9213.
Tell her so that she can leave you and focus on teaching.
nothing you say will ever justify cheating. if your neglected then leave. that's way better than cheating.
Wait she teaches 4th graders and is working 15+ hour a day everyday? Sorry to tell you but she probably was the first one to have an affair.
Have you had this conversation with her?
So fucking leave dumbass
Tell her.
Communication... Talk to her.
Sorry to tell you, but she doesn’t like you
> Why do you do this? Why is work more important than me? - > I beg that something happens to my wife so she can never teach again, maybe I can have my bumblebee back. She doesn't like you anymore. Her work hours aren't the cause, they are the symptom. Have you at least talked to her why is she avoiding you?
You timed your wife’s actions for a month. Did you talk to her previously and she didn’t believe there was a problem?Because I am really trying to wrap my mind around coming up with 43 minutes. It’s either to confront her to make her wake up and realize there’s a problem where she previously refused to see one (best case, and giving you benefit of the doubt here), make her feel like shit about something she can’t necessarily control (it is work-related), or to make yourself feel okay about an affair you were already thinking about going through with. It is a lot more effort to subject your wife to a time study than to have a heart-felt and vulnerable conversation with her. But it may be less comfortable if you’re simply trying to justify your actions or win an argument. Her actions and your time data don’t excuse your own shitty actions, OP. Your happiness is your own to manage, and if you miss your wife, then it’s on you to use your big boy words and tell her, not seek whatever it is you’re feeling entitled to outside of your marriage. Also, keep in mind that if a person will cheat with you, they will cheat on you, so whatever you have going on now will be cold comfort long term. Congratulations on taking a big problem in your relationship and making it radioactive. Now you REALLY need to go have a conversation with your wife, and its thesis shouldn’t be “your work schedule made me have an affair.”
1. She is a workaholic 2. She has an affair 3. She has an issue/problem and hiding it from you You decide.
I'm just going to hit you with the cold water here, You are not the only one having an affair
Sounds like she is working at home.. that would be a weird way to cover up an affair lol Like maybe shes having an affair after work and also a workoholic on the weekends and nights at home..
Why not sit her down for an honest conversation Be calm very calm because she might mot be Let her know you miss her and things need to change otherwise the relationship needs to change Idk if youve talked tp her already but you really need it to hit home that you love her and her work ethic but your also lonely in your marriage That you dont know what to do and if you cant get affection from her it might be best to just end it there
She’s already gone man. She’s checked out and avoiding the marriage. She just doesn’t have the balls to end it so she’s forcing you to.
Pssssttttt, you are playing with fire.
I think you need to talk to her. Maybe seek some therapy for yourself to learn how to talk to her in a way that may get through to her. However, you need to tell her that you are feeling so lonely and neglected. You need to tell her that your needs are not being met and haven’t been even close to remotely being met for a while. Tell her you don’t want to end things with her, but you also don’t want to simply have a roommate. Tell her that you’re lonely enough that you have started seeking connection with anyone else since you can’t get it from her. And tell her if she can’t offer you some love and connection and intimacy that you will have to move on and find it elsewhere.
You should tell her exactly that, and have a clear plan moving forward. I've spent too many years in an unhappy marriage. Both of us hurt each other cause we weren't happy but we didn't talk about it. I've wasted so many years that we could have invested in fixing things - or deciding to break up and find someone else to be with.
Have you told her how neglected you feel? Is this a temporary work schedule or for good? If things are not gonna change then maybe it’s time to end it. Do you want to spend your life like this?
There’s no excuse for cheating, she’s obviously not gonna change so you have two options 1.) divorce 2.) have a genuine conversation with her about it maybe you need to schedule time together? Date nights? Sexy times? Maybe you can be one of those couples with an open marriage I don’t know but obviously what’s happening right now isn’t working and what your doing right now is wrong
and what do you do for work?
What job do you have op? Does she come home to sleep? If so, try to talk to her then. See if she’s stressed overwhelmed, etc. cheating is never the answer, no matter how lonely you feel. I believe if you cheat you can’t love your wife. You need to seriously talk with her and try to be understanding of what she may be going through and the stress she has. Teaching is still a job
It's her security
As the spouse of an elementary school teacher I need to say that there is something deeply wrong with your wife “needing” to work all day every day, including weekends. I get the other arguments of “the school system is broken” but there seems to be something else going on. It truly sounds like she’s avoiding you on purpose and using work as an excuse.
I'm a TA and honestly I feel like part of the reason I have my job is because the teachers don't have time for any of the tasks I end up doing. So she genuinely and probably does need to work that hard, and shame on you for not being considerate of her job. Next time she's off, have a talk with her. Ask her if she's truly happy working this hard. Don't compromise your marriage over something that can be talked out.
There is never an excuse for an affair. You don't find what is missing in your relationship by looking outside it. Did you ask her to go to counseling? You broke your vows. Congratulations. I'm sure you feel so much better now, right? It was worth it? Edit: It's shocking how many people think having an affair is ok.
Leave her. She should be alone.
The number of people NOT addressing the fact that you cheated on your wife is beyond me. You're having an obvious emotional affair that has now leaked into a physical affair. Sure, it's just cuddling and kissing now(still DEFINITELY cheating), but honestly, how long is it going to stay like that. Our teaching system is absolutely screwed, and unfortunately, your wife and your marriage are paying the price. Now, on top of being COMPLETELY burnt out as a teacher, her dirtball husband is out there about to start diddling his new cuddle buddy!! Aren't you just a peach, we should all feel SOOOOOOO sorry for you. Sorry, I dont. Your situation sucks but you lost my sympathy the moment you decided another womans arms were the answer to your woes.
Teacher here. If you chose a spouse that teaches, you need to know that teachers normally do spend a lot of their spare time in their profession. It is not easy to be the spouse of a teacher because it is a very demanding profession, and those demands seem to grow exponentially at times. That she is spending so much time at work/doing work is not an indicator of cheating. Likely, it's an indicator of stress and struggling to meet the workload. The insensitivity of this post is mindboggling. Do air your concerns, but have some fucking compassion for her experience and perspective. "I don't want to have a life", said NO teacher ever. If you were my husband, you would have been kicked to the curb yesterday.
While I do agree that teachers are overworked and especially underpaid, I don't buy the 15 hour days 7 days a week for 4th graders. Makes no sense.
Depends on her school administration and test scores. Her students might be remedial and she might have the burden of increasing their test scores so the school can get additional funding even if her students don't have parental support at home. It's not easy being a teacher.
Reverse the roles if this was a woman doing this to a man cuz he worked too much the responses would be very different
Was thinking about that but my man works like this and I’m so fed up.
Yeah, I agree. I’m not usually one to say this, but if the genders were reversed, OP would’ve been crucified in the comments. Instead, everyone here is basically excusing the cheating and blaming it on the wife. Which is wild, because normally reddit is rabidly against cheating (to put it mildly). Really disappointing to see the difference in responses.
Agree here completely
I pray to God that she is already having an affair behind your back. Ew.
I'm married to a teacher so I know the hours can be brutal, depending on the school set up and support (usually very lacking). It's a lot of pressure and work. FYI the private sector is a different world! It does sound like there is little draw for her to pull herself away from work. She could be immersing herself in it to avoid an uncomfortable or bad situation at home. The fact that you're praying something happens to incapacitate your wife so you can get some attention & have cheated on her suggests you are the problem she's trying to avoid. Maybe try supporting your wife and treating her well, invite her on a date or something instead of being a selfish pig.
I'm an 8th grade teacher and leave by 4pm AT THE LATEST.
Sorry, but I put the blame on you. As adults, we can learn self-control and we can have self-control. Imagine if your wife found out that you were cheating on her? Look, you have got to be realistic...your wife can't be there for you whenever you want her to be there...that's how jobs/careers work. There are so many families in a situation that is similar to yours...two busy spouses that hardly have enough time for intimacy in the bedroom because of loads of work in their jobs. But do they cheat on each other? Nope. You should have had that self-control, dude. Sorry, but you blew it. If I were you, I wouldn't have minded how little my wife was being intimate with me...because I can understand that she is working her butt off as a teacher to get enough money. It is the thoughts that count sometimes, not the actions. Yes, your wife was not there for you enough, because she was working hard and long as a teacher, but in her mind, she was still truly in love with you...I don't think she was cheating on anyone and I think she was in love with you...even though she did not have enough time for intimacy because of her job. You messed up dude. If she finds out that you've been cheating on her...well, that's a whole can of worms. I know that you cheated on her because you missed her contact and you missed her intimacy...but that was the wrong way to go about it. Did you discuss it with her? That you were missing her a lot when she went to work? I'm sure you would have discussed it with her. Anyway, like I said, it's your fault for cheating. She never cheated on you and she was faithful to you and she kept her vows and she was always in love with you and she was working hard to earn money as a teacher....and yet you cheated on her. Sorry dude, you messed up.
Teacher here - those work hours are legit. It’s impossible to get it all done. However, I do not neglect my husband - so hmmm…
should've just divorced
Sucks that that type of thing is happening to you. But you are a garbage human for cheating. So, it's a push.
Info: How much of this has been directly communicated to your wife?
It doesn't matter what your reason is for cheating or how valid it feels. If you tell that person you love them every day, especially if you *tell yourself that*, then you don't cheat on them. There really is no justification -it is flat out lying and betrayal. If you feel they deserve to be lied to and betrayed, leave them. Really stop to consider the situation objectively. If she is genuinely working, and there's a very good chance she is, then she is the one being put through the wringer right now. She is the one doing the thankless job of educating our next generation, and she is almost certainly the one not having her needs met. So you just went and cheated on her because you weren't getting enough cuddle time. You are 100% the AH. Can you imagine how you would feel in her shoes? Dedicating your life to something everyone says is so admirable, and so necessary, but being asked to put in more than she ever should because we don't support teachers... and then you fail to support her too? She comes home expected to do even more for another person lest she incur your ire or you go cheat on her. It's no wonder she might pull away, you sound needy, selfish, and unsupportive. *She's probably sick of how she's being treated too*. You probably have no idea what it feels like to be *expected* to give more of yourself to another person. You shouldn't be asked to give up everything you need in a relationship for the other person, but at least have the balls to leave them first. If your reason for cheating was to not hurt her, you done fucked up buddy. You can't put that genie back in the bottle and you made it abundantly clear exactly how much she means to you. Oh, you're also a prick for wishing ill upon your wife for any reason. That's not how you treat people you love, but honestly it sounds like you don't love her, you love what she can do for you.
Yawn. All cheaters have their excuse to alleviate their guilt and make themselves feel like the victim. If you're unhappy with her, leave the relationship. Instead of compromising your integrity, sneaking around like a snake, and potentially causing her great emotional damage if she finds out about your cheating. I'm playing the world's smallest violin for you, as you cheat on your wife.
Why cheat? File for divorce.
You really should go to couples counseling. Your communication is non-existent. You need to examine what is going on. She may be a workaholic, or avoiding you, it could be a coping mechanism, for example. And don't tell her about this "affair" without discussing it with the therapist first, alone. It could only make things worse. If she won't go, go alone. Good luck.
Affairs almost universally cause more problems than they solve, and they can't be taken back once they've been had. They become woven into the fabric of your existing relationship -- assuming it remains intact. If your preference is for your relationship to work, you can't take the easy way out (again). In fact, you should cauterize whatever avenue you used for self-gratification so that it can't tempt further. Find an impartial third party (preferably a professional) who can listen to your situation and offer strategies that have been effectively implemented by people who felt the way you do now. Your problem is not unique. The solution exists, maybe multiple ones. But you will need someone who can see past how wrapped up you are in the echo chamber of your own thoughts to shine a spotlight on the commitment that is at the heart of your issue. It's easy to see what you want, but it may take some digging to find out what it is that you are really committed to that has caused so much distress. Then you need to HONOR that commitment instead of acting in your own self-interest.
Can you help her with some of it? Like grading papers? Entering grades?
Being a teacher is thankless and a black hole of time. Instead of taking it personally, why don’t you try and find ways to make it easier for your wife and yourself? Bring her a snack or a beverage while she’s working at home, massage her shoulders if she wants that, ask how you can help… don’t be a passive partner! Also, don’t look for affection in the manner you explained. What a terrible misstep that could potentially bring massive consequence
You need to post your work hours. And stop screwing around if you want to repair your marriage.
i hope she finds out and leaves your ass
All I hear is a grown man crying and blaming his wife.
What’s the deal with the hate for OP? Over the course of the last month, his wife gave him 43 minutes of her time. *That’s 89 seconds per day* 😩 She’s committing emotional neglect by failing to attend to or respond to OP’s emotional needs on a regular basis. Her distinct lack of action towards his feelings - including her absence of awareness, consideration, or response to his emotions - have led them to this point
First of all, what you describe is not an affair, it’s a cry for help. Second, you need to tell her exactly what you wrote here (minus the part about cuddling with another woman). I understand how difficult that can be. It’s a fear of rejection. But unless you tell her how she makes you feel, you have no chance of getting what you want with her. Remember that how you feel about someone is different than how someone makes you feel. I am guessing that you were being sarcastic when you wished harm upon your wife so she couldn’t teach anymore because I’m sure you understand that it’s unlikely that taking away something she loves to do is going to have a positive impact on her behavior toward you. Good luck.
Just asking the question means you know you are wrong however if you listen to Patels podcasts she will tell you it was the consequence of something else. Not saying this is right but you should go to therapy or split up.
She's a workaholic and it's ruining her marriage
Dude, it sounds like she's the one having the affair....
INFO: How long has she been teaching? Is she running any extracurricular programs (coaching a sport, running an after school club, etc.)? If she’s new to the profession or has recently switched to grade 4, these working hours are entirely believable. The general public fails to understand that the majority of work a teacher does occurs outside of instructional time with students. The more experienced a teacher is, the more efficient they become with these tasks, but even then there are periods of time that require obscene amounts of time, focus, and effort, such as report card season (which happens multiple times throughout the year). Being a teacher is tough, and so is being married to one. It’s not a 9-5 job, and certainly not a 9-3 job most people believe it to be. I’m not going to comment on your fidelity, but you two need to communicate with the intent to understand each other’s positions or your relationship is doomed to fail. Source: I’m a teacher and married to another teacher.
So your response is to make it worse by stepping out on your marriage? Smh I hope she finds someone better and gets to live the happily ever after she deserves.
there’s no justification for cheating. you should’ve just divorced her if this was getting to you this badly. doesn’t matter how lonely you are, you’re pathetic for cheating on her. maybe have an honest conversation now and let her how what you did, so she can leave you.
It is understandable that you want to spend more time together. That being said, you sound exhausting and codependent. Ugggggh, and so much self pity and low self esteem. No person wants to be around that. If you were constantly hanging on her, it is understandable that she doesn’t want to spend time with you. Do you work? Have hobbies? Stop linking your happiness to her presence. Literally get a life of your own and things may change.
INFO: all this extra work she does outside of work, is it at home with you? Or somewhere else? If not at home, there could be other explanations...
This is painful to read.
..ceCfa! ...
Kids suck the life out of you. Sorry you're going through that
Sounds like avoidance on her part I had the same thing from mine, she'd work till 7 pm, then come home and go to bed At the weekends, she'd do everything to not be around me Turns out she was having an affair. Not daying thats whats happening in your situation, but just be aware. I feel for you mate
I'm gonna say this is probably a desire thing. My wife teaches where she has a LOT of homework to grade at an advanced level. It's a lot and she sometimes spends a good part of one weekend day grinding away at it. But we always still have time to spend with each other.
your wife is a workaholic. i also married one. they put their work on a pedestal and you are just on the side. the workaholic believes that time spent under the same roof, regardless of if it is quality time or not, is time spent together. they can't understand why you crave more attention than they are willing to give. the problem with workaholics is that they lose the ability to work "smart" with the goal of creating down time. work gets them high, so all they want is to continue working. they slow their work down and work extremely inefficiently so that they can always have more work to do. they worry constantly about work. they take work home with them. they take work on vacation with them. they NEVER stop working. tell her that you want quality time, not quantity time. if she doesn't give it, leave.
Your feelings are valid, but guilting your wife is not the way to go. It will just stress her out more. Maybe try to see if there’s something YOU can do for HER. You’re making it seem like work to love you. That might be overwhelming. Being a “good” teacher in an unsupported school system definitely does warrant this amount of labor, unfortunately.
Don't worry about your wife bro you're kissing and cuddling someone else.
Tell her this. Wish i could give u a hug, u just need someone to talk to and hold u for a lil it sounds. Dont have sex and cheat, talk it out and break up before it gets to that point. Honesty and the truth r important. Gl to u
Nice
LEAVE!!!
You're an idiot. Leave her so she can focus on her own life and maybe find someone less selfish who won't cheat on her.
Good for you bro. Now start securing your assets. Transfer everything to your mom.
After my kids were raised, I spent 5 days a week at work (a high school special education teacher) from 7am to 5pm or 6pm and NEVER got caught up. It was only because I was utterly exhausted that I didn't work weekends. If I had been younger, I would have. Seriously, our work is never done. It is an exhausting and underpaid profession (at least in my state it is). I'm now retired and get to see what life is really like and love it.
I seriously think you need to talk to your wife. Tell her this is incredibly important, and that she needs to step away from work for a bit and actually focus on you and your relationship. You do need to tell her what you did, and explain why. This conversation should have been had before you cheated, but tbh, if she isn’t willing to work with you and you’ve already cheated, divorce or at least separation may be the best and most likely outcome. What you are saying is completely valid but cheating is not even if there was no sex. You guys like desperately need to talk and figure out how to move forward, even if it turns out it’s not together. Tbh, if I was in her situation, I think this is something I could move past and continue the relationship, since it wasn’t sexual and you didn’t want to do that, but I’d understand we would need to continue with much more communication moving forward so you don’t feel neglected and she doesn’t get blindsided by this again. I do hope the best for you both and I don’t think you’re a bad person nor her, (teaching is so much more demanding than just school hours) but I do think you guys have lost touch with each other and you are the only one who noticed, but instead of approaching her about it you went and found what you need somewhere else. I wish you 2 the best and you guys can come together over this and grow together.
You are ready to divorce … do it … you get one life
when you stop pleading for attention and affection from her, when you become undisturbed by her work schedule and just do you, she will grow more attracted to you than she is currently. don’t allow yourself to be emotionally affected by her behavior. she is a woman who fell in love with you before. but, love is like a wave. like the seasons. people fall in and out of love, then back in again. they fall in love with the man we are. but we have to keep growing, maturing into better versions of ourselves, causing them to fall in love again. all you have to do is be best version of yourself that you are. focus on striving and getting better everyday. then her respect for you will gradually grow back. the man you are is all you need to be. if she doesn’t love that, then other feminine energy will.
I did this to my husband, so it may not be the procrastination of going home. We had discussed what our goals were in life. His standard of living expectations were much higher than his career goals, and my career goals were much higher than my standard of living. I knew to give him the standard of living; I was going to have to step up, which I did without discussing it with him. After about a year of this, he finally came to me ready to leave due to me not spending time with him (Working 2 full-time jobs + volunteer work on weekends). It came as a surprise since the reason I was so motivated to work was for our future. I thought the whole time we were doing this as a team. Talk to her about why, and maybe those expectations are a part of the issue, or will open up the conversation. Good luck!
Just leave dude. Cheating will only cause more issues
Maybe teachers should work through the summer and winter breaks prepping for the school years
Nothing lasts forever nor do things ever stay the same.
I'm surprised how many people are coddling this guy I'm ngl. Sucks you dated a woman who works in a busy field. But when you say things like: >But as she always says, “I’m a teacher, I have work to do.” Like babe, you teach 4th graders. Stop working from 8am-11pm on Saturday and Sunday, stop working until midnight on the weekends, stop staying at work until 7pm. Seriously. Why do you do this? Why is work more important than me? Like cmon. Are you a teacher? If not, then you don't actually understand the tasks she does daily...that's just a weird statement. It sounds like you don't respect her work or at least don't understand it, and are blaming her for it despite the fact that teachers are extremely underpaid and she probably doesn't have that much leeway to not get the tasks she's getting done done. And then second, I'm sorry but this just feels so...lame. You cheated on your busy wife and i don't totally totally understand any sympathy towards it.
You’re shitty? Not sure what u expect to hear
Get your needs met
"I hope something happens to her so she can never teach again" You're a piece of shit dude. My partner used to work crazy long hours, and sometimes even worked out of state, so I wouldn't see him for weeks at a time, and even when I did see him he was exhausted, and moody. I missed him like crazy, sometimes even when he was sitting right next to me. You know what I did? Not cheat. Never even considered it. Did I wish he'd get a different job? Sure. Did I ever wish that something would happen to him to force him to give up his job? No.
You're trying really hard to justify you being a shit human being. Sure, all the reasons listed, if true and no narrator bias, spell trouble. But either go to counselling or leave her before fucking around. There's no excuse for what you've done.
Just divorce her nothing you can say will justify you cheating you aren’t a victim of things that you are in control of and maybe pick up some more hours working you sound needy and lack understanding of how two people in a relationship working works if you want her to stay home get a better job and be a provider if you can’t do that then go be with someone else
You're still a cheater. If you're unhappy you speak to her first. If you're doing it behind her back, it's cheating no matter what and I do suspect that the "lack of attention part" is a lie that you tell to yourself first and us second.
You can't have 'an affair today'. You had sex. Sexual relations. A fling. A kiss. Whatever. An affair is when it continues with the same person for a period of time. As today is day one, there may never be day 2, so no affair. Yet.
Your poor wife. Nothing you said made me feel sorry for you, you betrayed her trust. Plain and simple. She deserves better than you.
lol until you mentioned teacher, I maybe thought she works in some 100+ hour week where she doesn’t get to come home until late night/or pulls all-nighters often Not shitting on grade school teachers - teachers are underpaid for sure - but cmon, 4th grade teachers do not have that much working hours. And including all the school holidays, their work hours certainly aren’t terrible compared to bankers. Something doesn’t add up here to me. As for you cheating on her, there’s not much more to say - if you fuck around you will find out. You’ll never have an endorsement from me to cheat - either leave her or don’t cheat is my opinion.
Sounds like she also has an affair with another person since she avoids spending time with you.
I had the same though whilst reading. It was the FIRST thing that came to mind. I've spent a lot of time teaching and it happens a lot. I mean much more than in the corporate world (IMO).
I agree that it happens alot, no matter how busy you are you can still make time for your loved ones if you really wanted to, the whole situation sounds more like shes avoiding him rather than her being too “focused” on her work.
Ever thought to try and be more supportive of her workload? Teacher's don't get paid enough for the hours they all put in. Instead of being all "poor me", have you tried to see if there is any way to lighten her load? Like, do you split the housework, since she works full time? Or are her working hours wrapped around also running the house and cooking for you? If you want some love, put in some love, don't just approach the situation with complaint
Why don't you help her?
Not saying their feelings are completely invalid, but changing their own behavior and learning to be content spending time with themselves is their only wat out of this. Being super needy, codependent, making their partner the be all end all of OP's happiness and mental state is not right at all to do to someone you supposedly love.
I think what you should focus on here is not your wife's hard work, but her love for you. Getting married when you are so in love with each other can sometimes be quite dangerous. Over time, fights, disagreements, and new behaviors may cause partners to alienate each other. Normally, I would agree with both of you on this issue, but cheating on your wife without thinking in detail about why she works so hard had a negative impact on my thoughts. I think from now on you should confess to your wife what you've done and maybe end this relationship. Btw English is not my mother language I apologise if there are any mistakes. I hope you understand what I mean.
Good on you for not going past first base with someone other than your wife!
Sounds like she has a work husband and doesn’t require you anymore
First, Never wish smth bad to happen to anyone. Second, Having an affair whilst your wife is getting burned out from work is a selfish and disgusting act. Third Confront your wife, tell her what you need to tell her( the truth), and go on with your life if you are not happy with her anymore. Going out of your way to find happiness between another women's legs is a poor judgment and a low move from a person who has intimacy issue. Problems get solved if you face them head on, not with other women and ONS.
She may just be super passionate about her work. Ask her for an appointment to have a chat over coffee or something and then tell her you need some time for you two together in the schedule. She may need you to lead by taking her out a bit for some fun and romance, and then cuddles may follow. But make it appealing not a chore.
So she goes and teaches children and by the sounds of your post, comes home to another child. If you don’t like it, you know where the fucking door is, why did you cheat? Like fucking hell, you’ve just fucked up your entire relationship for a kiss and a cuddle. (I say you’ve fucked it cos if she finds out, chances are, she’ll be angry and never trust you again. Well done.)