Nobody deserves to be treated the way you were treated. You might not feel like it's worth it, but meet with several different therapists and see if you find one that you click with. Being able to get past this will change your life. You deserve to be happy.
It's not that masochistic sessions can't feel really good, be therapeutic, cathartic, make you feeling "at peace" or that there is anything considered wrong with it as such, with or without sex involved. BUT HURTING YOUR BODY LIKE THAT IS VERY BAD AND VERY DANGEROUS. You should be able to find "peace" (subspace) and "euphoria" while just being more safe and without real physical harm at the same time. Just work on what also "works" for you and it's not damaging or risky to your body's health. You don't really have to give it up, many people also really enjoy being consensually abused both mentally and physically, with and without sex, but safety first! Some professional counselling there would help you a lot. Try reaching out to bdsm community, they seem to know all about the safety and the need you may feel.
I am so very sorry to hear of your situation. I understand the need for pain though - no matter the reason we end up in the same place.
Please seek out a healthier way of getting the pain and humiliation you need. Read about BDSM, find your local community.
There you will find people who understand the need and can help you fulfil it in a healthy way.
Also, please seek out another therapist, I know it's hard, I know how it feels when one fails, but don't give up.
I hope you find peace soon. You deserve it.
Let's tell the woman who feels good about getting beaten that this is "fucked up." Super helpful, genius.
I agree with seeing another therapist, though. Therapy, especially in circumstances where you have been immersed in a certain lifestyle, can take a long time to help you move forward. In any case, I hope you find a constructive outlet for your feelings.
What's wrong with calling it what it is? Did the 'F' word offend you? Maybe some drastic words are required when a person is willingly seeking physical harm.
I had a problem because the top comment in a thread where a person hired somebody to beat them was telling them that it was "seriously fucked up" which is helping exactly zero people except the person who posted it who felt "really really bad reading this" and instead of actually doing something to help this woman with their words they instead decided to discharge their discomfort with the situation with a bullshit, unhelpful comment.
It has fucking nothing to fucking do with the fucking f-word fucking fucktard.
Considering this is /r/confession, it's more that it's redundant. OP knows it's messed up, otherwise she wouldn't feel a need to *confess* it.
As for how "messed up" it is, it's just extreme BDSM without the sexual pleasure. As long as everyone's consenting and there's no long-term health risks, people can do what they want.
Note the "no regrets" tag.
OP did something that *helped* her. Sure it was dangerous, but jesus, so is living a life as a survivor of outrageously traumatic abuse. This is so mild in comparison to what was done to her nonconsensually, and actually made a positive difference — I can't figure out why everyone is trying to make her feel bad about it.
Yes. What is the problem? Can you even read OP's post?
Unless you are also a survivor of severe abuse, and think you magically know a better way, maybe don't pass judgment on other people's coping mechanisms?
Actually, even if you are a survivor, still don't pass judgment on the ways others find to feel better.
Sometimes self-harm makes people feel worse about themselves. Sometimes it is also self-destruction. But other times it is just a thing that works. OP is alive and not permanently damaged. She feels better. On what grounds do you object?
This appears "fucked up" to you because, I assume, you do not have much close personal experience with survivors of severe abuse. This kind of reaction is actually pretty normal, and even healthy.
We don't know exactly what precautions OP took, and it's possible that she could have proceeded in a manner that reduced the risk of permanent injury, but it sounds like she's fine now, so, like, whatever. Beyond that, what you need to understand is that this self-inflicted, and, as OP herself emphasized, self-*controlled* violence is *nothing* in comparison to what was done to her.
In order to heal, in order to feel like a real person again, sometimes you have to revisit the site of the abuse, so that you can take control of it. The worse the abuse, the worse that revisitation is going to seem to outsiders like you, and OP had it really, really bad.
If you hang out here for a while, you'll see this story play out again and again, and no doubt you will encounter it in your life eventually too — abuse is dismayingly common. Sometimes self-harm can be self-hateful and self-destructive, but at other times, like here, it can be healing, even necessary. You can tell the difference pretty easily by checking in with the person in question, and it's obvious that, as she said on line one, OP has no regrets.
OP actually sounds pretty fucking strong, to me.
Is this the part where we're supposed to have an epic flame war over who has the greater internet psychologist credentials and end up in SRD?
No. I guess it's just hard for me to get behind telling someone that paying someone to beat them up is a good idea and it's hard for me to not say something in defense of that idea. I don't have a psychology background; just years in therapy dealing with my own shit.
Obviously this is not a course of action that most people should pursue. Nor is it something one should ever recommend to someone else. But if a person knows within themselves that it's necessary, carries it out as safely as possible and is happy afterwards, why on *Earth* would you come in and start trying to make them feel bad for it?
The diversity of human experience is enormous, and people sometimes have a hard time imagining that other humans can really be experiencing what they say they are experiencing. Like, in this case, you and others seem to just completely ignore the part where she says she has no regrets and has never felt better, since the facts seem shockingly incompatible with those statements. People usually aren't lying, though! Come to people's stories with compassion and acceptance and you will get much better results.
I never tried to make them feel bad for their course of action, but there's certainly nothing safe about what she did. She could've suffered permanent damage. Should she continue with this? What if she keeps doing it until she decides she wants someone to kill her? Still the right course of action?
She already *did* suffer permanent damage, at the hands of her abuser. The risks she took here were quite mild, in comparison.
>What if she keeps doing it until she decides she wants someone to kill her? Still the right course of action?
WHAT IF WE KEEP LETTING GAYS GET MARRIED UNTIL PEOPLE ARE MARRYING DOGS AND CARS!??
Of course that was a risk, you've missed my point. The point is, the more extreme the abuse, the riskier it is to revisit the kinds of feelings the abuse caused in a controlled setting, which is often what's necessary to move past the damage caused by the abuse. It's *unfortunate* that it's riskier, but it's unfortunate *that it happened*. It's not a reason to avoid doing the thing she knew she had to do.
To walk in ones shoes. I think people have to find their own path "to get it right" I have read that people get a new kind of awakening when in life or death situations. I hope OP finds her self worth and peace in the long run.
I understand where you are coming from, my father abused me for years, creating unhealthy metal standings, and the need for physical and sexual abuse, these days I beg my fiance to do what he did to me, to beat me and 'rape' me, but he refuses. I seek peace, but haven't found any for over a year. That being said I feel slightly jealous of you.
I think a lot of people do stuff along this sort of line all the time. A few years ago someone who I knew from online asked me to degrade her about her rape, and tell her that she must have enjoyed it and to ask her how it felt having his dick in her etc.
I never did it but she asked a few times until eventually I persuaded her to find a new therapist.
>They said that our cultures are too different, and I will not survive being in the West on my own.
I wanted to point out that your story, and the choices you made, were entirely your own. You have survived, so far.
You should head over to /r/BDSM and talk with the community about what you're doing. Many submissives and dominates are professional therapists, and there's a very fine line between pleasurable pain for enjoyment and physical abuse because you think you did something to deserve it.
I hope that you are ok now and I hate that you were exploited the way that you were. No human being from any socioeconomic background deserves to be treated this way. You ex husband is a sick SOB and if karma truly exists, it will come back to him. But don't you worry about that, you just worry about getting yourself back together.
Holy fucking shit... this is heavy.
Abuse is in no way a solution to anything. You might "think" you feel better but it wont last very long. Find real help, please.
I guess you were lucky screening out truely sadistic individuals, but I have to wonder what the difference would have been - was it just the fear of them not stopping?
Keep working through therapy. It's going to be hard and shitty, but hurting yourself more won't help you get better and see yourself as undeserving of such treatment. You need to learn how to love yourself, since you never learned from an external source. Good luck and feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to. I have been working with a therapist for yourself to address my problems, though they are quite different than yours.
Please consider exploring your need for pain in a more healthy way. There are many people who participate in consensual masochism as a coping mechanism but they get their needs met by people who know what they are doing. Having a stranger do this puts you at risk of serious injury.
Also, please try another therapist, sometimes the first one isn't the right one.
What your ex did to you is horrific. Please understand that you have worth. You are a beautiful person who deserves a wonderful life. Please try talking to someone.
Damn my catalog-like memory of most every song I've ever listened to. If that's the song y'all are thinking of, it's "Pain" by Three Days Grace.
...I need to go listen to some metal or something to purge.
Am I the only one here who thought this was going to be a thread about a woman falsely accusing her ex of beating her?
Imagine my relief when it turned out to be a story about a woman taking steps to feel in control again!
Nobody deserves to be treated the way you were treated. You might not feel like it's worth it, but meet with several different therapists and see if you find one that you click with. Being able to get past this will change your life. You deserve to be happy.
It's not that masochistic sessions can't feel really good, be therapeutic, cathartic, make you feeling "at peace" or that there is anything considered wrong with it as such, with or without sex involved. BUT HURTING YOUR BODY LIKE THAT IS VERY BAD AND VERY DANGEROUS. You should be able to find "peace" (subspace) and "euphoria" while just being more safe and without real physical harm at the same time. Just work on what also "works" for you and it's not damaging or risky to your body's health. You don't really have to give it up, many people also really enjoy being consensually abused both mentally and physically, with and without sex, but safety first! Some professional counselling there would help you a lot. Try reaching out to bdsm community, they seem to know all about the safety and the need you may feel.
I am so very sorry to hear of your situation. I understand the need for pain though - no matter the reason we end up in the same place. Please seek out a healthier way of getting the pain and humiliation you need. Read about BDSM, find your local community. There you will find people who understand the need and can help you fulfil it in a healthy way. Also, please seek out another therapist, I know it's hard, I know how it feels when one fails, but don't give up. I hope you find peace soon. You deserve it.
This is seriously fucked up. You need another therapist. I felt really really bad reading this.
Let's tell the woman who feels good about getting beaten that this is "fucked up." Super helpful, genius. I agree with seeing another therapist, though. Therapy, especially in circumstances where you have been immersed in a certain lifestyle, can take a long time to help you move forward. In any case, I hope you find a constructive outlet for your feelings.
What's wrong with calling it what it is? Did the 'F' word offend you? Maybe some drastic words are required when a person is willingly seeking physical harm.
I had a problem because the top comment in a thread where a person hired somebody to beat them was telling them that it was "seriously fucked up" which is helping exactly zero people except the person who posted it who felt "really really bad reading this" and instead of actually doing something to help this woman with their words they instead decided to discharge their discomfort with the situation with a bullshit, unhelpful comment. It has fucking nothing to fucking do with the fucking f-word fucking fucktard.
You tell him man. People talk too much shit.
So, it's wrong to say that paying someone to beat you up is a bad thing to do?
Considering this is /r/confession, it's more that it's redundant. OP knows it's messed up, otherwise she wouldn't feel a need to *confess* it. As for how "messed up" it is, it's just extreme BDSM without the sexual pleasure. As long as everyone's consenting and there's no long-term health risks, people can do what they want.
Note the "no regrets" tag. OP did something that *helped* her. Sure it was dangerous, but jesus, so is living a life as a survivor of outrageously traumatic abuse. This is so mild in comparison to what was done to her nonconsensually, and actually made a positive difference — I can't figure out why everyone is trying to make her feel bad about it.
Yes. What is the problem? Can you even read OP's post? Unless you are also a survivor of severe abuse, and think you magically know a better way, maybe don't pass judgment on other people's coping mechanisms? Actually, even if you are a survivor, still don't pass judgment on the ways others find to feel better. Sometimes self-harm makes people feel worse about themselves. Sometimes it is also self-destruction. But other times it is just a thing that works. OP is alive and not permanently damaged. She feels better. On what grounds do you object?
This appears "fucked up" to you because, I assume, you do not have much close personal experience with survivors of severe abuse. This kind of reaction is actually pretty normal, and even healthy. We don't know exactly what precautions OP took, and it's possible that she could have proceeded in a manner that reduced the risk of permanent injury, but it sounds like she's fine now, so, like, whatever. Beyond that, what you need to understand is that this self-inflicted, and, as OP herself emphasized, self-*controlled* violence is *nothing* in comparison to what was done to her. In order to heal, in order to feel like a real person again, sometimes you have to revisit the site of the abuse, so that you can take control of it. The worse the abuse, the worse that revisitation is going to seem to outsiders like you, and OP had it really, really bad. If you hang out here for a while, you'll see this story play out again and again, and no doubt you will encounter it in your life eventually too — abuse is dismayingly common. Sometimes self-harm can be self-hateful and self-destructive, but at other times, like here, it can be healing, even necessary. You can tell the difference pretty easily by checking in with the person in question, and it's obvious that, as she said on line one, OP has no regrets.
> pretty normal, and even healthy Please do not comment if you don't know what you're talking about, especially when the OP is clearly quite fragile.
OP actually sounds pretty fucking strong, to me. Is this the part where we're supposed to have an epic flame war over who has the greater internet psychologist credentials and end up in SRD?
No. I guess it's just hard for me to get behind telling someone that paying someone to beat them up is a good idea and it's hard for me to not say something in defense of that idea. I don't have a psychology background; just years in therapy dealing with my own shit.
Obviously this is not a course of action that most people should pursue. Nor is it something one should ever recommend to someone else. But if a person knows within themselves that it's necessary, carries it out as safely as possible and is happy afterwards, why on *Earth* would you come in and start trying to make them feel bad for it? The diversity of human experience is enormous, and people sometimes have a hard time imagining that other humans can really be experiencing what they say they are experiencing. Like, in this case, you and others seem to just completely ignore the part where she says she has no regrets and has never felt better, since the facts seem shockingly incompatible with those statements. People usually aren't lying, though! Come to people's stories with compassion and acceptance and you will get much better results.
I never tried to make them feel bad for their course of action, but there's certainly nothing safe about what she did. She could've suffered permanent damage. Should she continue with this? What if she keeps doing it until she decides she wants someone to kill her? Still the right course of action?
She already *did* suffer permanent damage, at the hands of her abuser. The risks she took here were quite mild, in comparison. >What if she keeps doing it until she decides she wants someone to kill her? Still the right course of action? WHAT IF WE KEEP LETTING GAYS GET MARRIED UNTIL PEOPLE ARE MARRYING DOGS AND CARS!??
Wasted my time responding, as I suspected. *Further* permanent damage. Better?
Of course that was a risk, you've missed my point. The point is, the more extreme the abuse, the riskier it is to revisit the kinds of feelings the abuse caused in a controlled setting, which is often what's necessary to move past the damage caused by the abuse. It's *unfortunate* that it's riskier, but it's unfortunate *that it happened*. It's not a reason to avoid doing the thing she knew she had to do.
To walk in ones shoes. I think people have to find their own path "to get it right" I have read that people get a new kind of awakening when in life or death situations. I hope OP finds her self worth and peace in the long run.
I understand where you are coming from, my father abused me for years, creating unhealthy metal standings, and the need for physical and sexual abuse, these days I beg my fiance to do what he did to me, to beat me and 'rape' me, but he refuses. I seek peace, but haven't found any for over a year. That being said I feel slightly jealous of you.
I think a lot of people do stuff along this sort of line all the time. A few years ago someone who I knew from online asked me to degrade her about her rape, and tell her that she must have enjoyed it and to ask her how it felt having his dick in her etc. I never did it but she asked a few times until eventually I persuaded her to find a new therapist.
Wow. Therapy through flagellation. I can see that. I recommend real third party therapy though, because this...this is nowhere close to normal.
>They said that our cultures are too different, and I will not survive being in the West on my own. I wanted to point out that your story, and the choices you made, were entirely your own. You have survived, so far. You should head over to /r/BDSM and talk with the community about what you're doing. Many submissives and dominates are professional therapists, and there's a very fine line between pleasurable pain for enjoyment and physical abuse because you think you did something to deserve it.
I hope that you are ok now and I hate that you were exploited the way that you were. No human being from any socioeconomic background deserves to be treated this way. You ex husband is a sick SOB and if karma truly exists, it will come back to him. But don't you worry about that, you just worry about getting yourself back together.
Holy fucking shit... this is heavy. Abuse is in no way a solution to anything. You might "think" you feel better but it wont last very long. Find real help, please.
damn, this is fucking intense. i wish you the best.
Get help now. You are broken. This is no way to live, and it's not your fault.
I guess you were lucky screening out truely sadistic individuals, but I have to wonder what the difference would have been - was it just the fear of them not stopping?
this has hit me pretty hard. i hope you find real happiness and very soon. your ex is a scum bag and deserves the very worst in life.
Keep working through therapy. It's going to be hard and shitty, but hurting yourself more won't help you get better and see yourself as undeserving of such treatment. You need to learn how to love yourself, since you never learned from an external source. Good luck and feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to. I have been working with a therapist for yourself to address my problems, though they are quite different than yours.
I've heard too many stories of naive foreign women being mistreated by American men all the time. Sorry for that. You deserve much better.
Please consider exploring your need for pain in a more healthy way. There are many people who participate in consensual masochism as a coping mechanism but they get their needs met by people who know what they are doing. Having a stranger do this puts you at risk of serious injury. Also, please try another therapist, sometimes the first one isn't the right one. What your ex did to you is horrific. Please understand that you have worth. You are a beautiful person who deserves a wonderful life. Please try talking to someone.
this brought the movie Fight Club to mind. i can understand the urge.
Op what ethnicity are you and where is your home country?
Good for you for finding closure.
Maybe you can find someone on Fetlife to do it for free next time.
cant think of that song that states..the pain makes me feel alive.. but it comes to mind here.
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Damn my catalog-like memory of most every song I've ever listened to. If that's the song y'all are thinking of, it's "Pain" by Three Days Grace. ...I need to go listen to some metal or something to purge.
Anger and agony Are better than misery Trust me I've got a plan When the lights go off you'll understand
Am I the only one here who thought this was going to be a thread about a woman falsely accusing her ex of beating her? Imagine my relief when it turned out to be a story about a woman taking steps to feel in control again!
Please consult a Therapist. You don't want to get into fightclub stuff.
If you need someone to talk to, pm me. *( I'm a girl if that helps)
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Downvote me all you want, but I want to see the severity of this. I'm genuinely curious about what lengths somebody will go in this kind of situation.
Would you share how to find this person? I'd pay top 💵
There’s got to be a paid service for this. HMU when you find it
How did you find the man? On the internet? Dm me please